The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Can she control his ogling eyes?

    THERE is a season for everything. This certainly is a time to show love and appreciate those you cherish. It is certainly not the best time to lose what you cherish. Yet if you suddenly find yourself in this situation then you must reorganise yourself and move on to the next phase. Losing a precious heart can be a great dilemma but it does not mean the end of life.

    Pretty Moyo is experiencing this now and she is trying to find her way out of this emotional bullshit. How did it all happen you ask? Reluctantly she takes you into her story amid tears. Moyo was in her final year at the university when she met and fell in love Folarin. They actually became close in a very funny way. He was reading in the library and then tears rolled down uncontrollably. She was sitting next to him and she tried to console him. Why would a very handsome dude like this cry in the open? What was wrong with him,” she wondered.

    Somehow he felt comfortable in her company and opened up on his emotional pain and the girl who stole his heart at that point. In a short while, Folarin told her every detail of his emotional life and about the crush he had for a lady whose heart was elsewhere.

    On her part, Moyo tried to make him know that losing a heart does not mean the end. She cared for him like a brother and somehow they got closer and closer.

    I just didn’t know that I was beginning to like him because I had told myself that men could not be trusted after two nasty experiences that took me down the emotional valley. Now, that she was sure that she had found true love again, there was something else that keeps disturbing her. Her man likes to stare at other women and she wonders if this sign was a threat or not.

    For Cynthia, it was meant to be another memorable outing. It was part of the activities that they had lined up for this year’s Christmas celebration. For weeks, she worked very hard on the details and she dreamt of a romantic outing that would leave lasting memories.

    “When Mayowa turned up at the door, he looked great and I was sure that everything was on course. Two hours after, he ruined everything and I just couldn’t believe that the dream we wanted to share together was gone, gone with the emotional wind.”

    What did he do in such a short while? How could something so good turn out to be so bad, you wonder? “Mayowa has a habit of starring at women and I do not like this at all. I had tried to bring his attention to this fact and we had discussed it twice already. This was supposed to be a special day and somehow he just messed it up. This time around, he did not just stop at starring at the babe in question, he abandoned yours truly for about 30 minutes only to resurface with tales about this lost old flame.

    How was I going to cope with a guy who keeps running into extinguished flames and not knowing what direction to turn to at such moments. What would you have done if you were in her shoes? If your man constantly stares at other woman no matter how many times you’ve told him to stop, it would surely make you feel uncomfortable and irritated.

    If you get to this point, then you need to do something to save the relationship if you are keen about it. Here you need to bring his attention to the effect of his constant drooling appreciation of the opposite gender in front of you. Ask him how he would react if you did the same and state that it makes you look like a fool in front of others. If he cares for you, he will understand and try to control his ogling eyes at least to some extent.

    Sometimes, he may just not understand how you are feeling about all this. If your man comes up with the most likely response, that he has to check out other women to reestablish that you’re the best for him, please don’t accept it. If he really loves you, he doesn’t need to constantly reaffirm it, and definitely not by leeching at other women.

    However, if his reason is that he can’t just help himself, then you need to give him a better emotional direction. As a mature man it is better t be in control of his behavior but if he is so much of a slave to his ogling habits, then you have to make up your mind if you want to go on or opt out.

    The fact that men love to look at women’s bodies more than their faces has been confirmed by a recent study. The research used eye tracking technology to prove what many had long observed. ‘

    Twenty nine women and 36 men were outfitted with the eye-tracking system, which measures in milliseconds how long the eyes fixed on certain spots. Their gazes reacted to photographs of the same 10 women, each with three different digitally manipulated body shapes, curvaceous, much less curvaceous and in-between.

    “We live in a culture in which we constantly see women objectified in interactions on television and in the media. Until now, we didn’t have evidence that people were actually doing that to women’s bodies. We have women’s self reports, but this is some of the first work to document that people actually engage in this. Interestingly, the study also found that women also look at other women’s bodies too.

  • When it’s done deal

    DOTUN wasn’t even her type of guy, but somehow Lauretta put all her affection in his emotional basket. “Till date, I just cannot pinpoint when and how I fell in love with him. The only vivid detail I remember about our emotional beginning was that we met at a shopping mall. That day, I had a lot of things to carry and he volunteered to help me take the shopping bags to the car. We met once again at the mall two weeks after and that was how we became friends. For me, he was just like any other guy and I did not plan to have a relationship with him.”

    Perhaps he wasn’t good looking? “No, that was not the reason at all. When it comes to physical attraction, he was very handsome. Personally, I do not get attracted to men because of their looks. In fact, I try to avoid good looking guys because of the many distractions (from ladies) that they are faced with.

    “When he first broached the idea of a relationship, I turned it down. Then what I felt for him was just friendship, something you feel for a brother. “Unfortunately, for me, he just did not give me any breathing space, while I was evasive he persisted.”

    Her friends actually described him as a ladies’ man and he was. When they met about five years ago, he dated a lot of women and most of the relationship he confessed was fairly shallow. But along the line he realised that what he felt for her was quite different and gradually they became almost inseparable. So what brought about this emotional transformation? you wonder. “There was a day he came to look for me in the office and I was not around. He waited for about two hours and dropped a note for me. Every line was moving and I treasured the note so much. I remember pinning the note to my diary and I read it over and over again.”

    That was the turning point for Lauretta. “I began to notice some of the things I did not see in the past and decided to give him a chance in my life. It was an exciting experience and we had a number of memorable activities together. We had a good life and his company was cherished on a daily basis.”

    He swept her off her feet and just when she thought she had found what she desired, he cross carpeted. “From my emotional hero, he turned out to be a disaster. I began to see that the relationship was all about him and I wanted it to be about me too.”

    The only option was to pull out of this emotional race to save her aching heart. “It was quite painful but the break gave me some direction. I also realised that I had been wasting my time all along. It turned out to be a fruitless emotional journey.”

    Going into the next phase of her life was turbulent.

    She poured herself into her career but it was hard forgetting him. “Even though I realised that I had been taken for a ride, I still missed him. I dated two other guys but I kept comparing what they did with the things I learnt from the one I still loved. My best friend, Ada, noticed what was going on and said I wasn’t satisfied with the other guys because I was still in love with the wrong guy. When she said that, I realised it was the truth and I started crying. In anger, she shouted at me, saying, “Why are you crying like a baby, if you do not love that traitor? You need to wake up and move on with your life. There is really no point crying over split milk.“

    Her friend’s words also freed her from the emotional turmoil that she was going through. It also opened her eyes to the fact that she was still in love with Dotun. A couple of weeks back, he had called and apologised, saying he had learnt from his mistake. Perhaps, it was better to look at the possibility of getting back together. So, she put a call through to Dotun and happily they were reunited. The two of them realised that they still have areas of disagreements as the months rolled by. Yes, they have come to the realisation that they were always going to have some bumps here and there, but there was nobody that they would rather be with but each other. It was therefore better to hang together and make it work, no matter the obstacle in the way.

    Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

    Like Lauretta, Moyo has been going through some dark patches in her love life.

    Even when she puts in her best, she keeps criss-crossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promised land. “I often wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people who fall in love with me.” All you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

    While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who prefer to be adventurous when it comes to matters of the heart.

  • Lord of emotional flies

    WHAT a place to be at this time of the day! It was mid day and everyone was at work or busy doing one business or the other. Sola’s heart and mind was lost and he just didn’t know how to fix the emotional knots that had fallen out of place. Perhaps what he needed was an emotional cleansing or was it laundry?

    While he was still thinking of the emotional way forward, the flies buzzing around just kept intruding and distracting him. They kept on perching on his eyes, nose and lips in a very irritating way. What do they have to offer, running up and down in an irritating manner? He decided to deal with them in his own way. In a few minutes, he became the hero, killing about half a dozen flies.

    Naturally, the other members of the crew took off and peace returned to the atmosphere. Yes, it was time to think straight, but again he realised that killing the flies did not bring a solution and he was back to square one.

    The emotional avenue can be as good as it can be. At such moments, you get carried away and lost to everything else. Conversely, the table can be upturned and at such moments, you may never find your bearing again. In the midst of such emotional confusion, you become a lost voice travelling in an emotional desert and heading to nowhere in particular.

    A quick search at the events that finally culminated in the emotional wars he fought and truly you find that it wasn’t really his fault that things turned out this way. “I actually put in so much into the last relationship and didn’t want it to go the way of the others. But somehow I realised that the more I tried to make it work, the more elusive it became.”

    On the surface, they looked like the best emotional bargain on the love shelf, the type any man would want to pay a fortune for. Tall, beautiful and full of life, these women fit perfectly into his definition of a real woman. But as soon as the emotional journey took off, he realised that it wasn’t what he thought it was.

    Painfully, he discovered that these faces do not match the hearts he so desperately craved for. Instead, they turned out to be wild, wicked and emotional flies. He could not catch up with them and emotional ‘deaths’ became the only viable option. At different points, he tried to ‘change’ them but it turned out that they preferred to bite the emotional fingers that fed them with love.

    Too late? Yes, it was. Everyone was in the picture and their expectation was to see him walk down the aisle with his beloved. Unfortunately, that was not to be and all that he is left with are bitter tales of romance gone awry. Sometimes, there is an element of luck to these things and if you are unlucky to be with the wrong partner (s) then you cannot save the situation on your own.

    Tears? Yes, Sola had been crying all day. Tears of frustration, tears of rejection and tears of anger. Wait a minute! What is going on here, how can he descend this low to cry because of a woman? The handkerchief in his pocket comes to the rescue; nobody must see our dear friend in this state. Shedding those tears was a good relief, indeed.

    It helped to purge away some of the emotions that had been bottled up. Relief that was also temporary. The reality of being bitten twice and more was not a pleasant thing at all. Three wonderful relationships had gone down the emotional drain, flushed away into the archives and stored away forever. Any attempt to revisit to find out what transpired in this (ese) emotional arena (s) would definitely bring affectionate tears, scars of frustration and humiliation.

    The love that he cherished has been thrown into the dustbin of emotional history and there was really nothing he could do about it. Whatever he attempted to say or do became counterproductive.

    Sola’s experience can be compared to Williams Golding’s first novel, Lord of the flies, which takes us through what we want as opposed to what we get from life.

    Even though the novel was not a great success when he first wrote the book, it later became a bestseller and the Nobel prize winner reaped so much later. It was later adopted for film twice. In 2005, the novel was chosen by TIME magazine as one of the 100 best English Language novels from 1923 to 2005.

    So what is the message from the book? It is about a group of British boys stuck on an uninhabited island and they try to govern themselves with disastrous results. Its stances on the already controversial subjects of human nature and individual welfare versus the common good. Here, the uninhabited island represents the desert which is the opposite of paradise. Most times what we crave for is emotional paradise with all the goodies. But instead of getting our dreams, what many are stuck with are emotional deserts that do not take care of their individual needs.

    In desperation, they try to fix the missing gaps, fulfilling selfish desires that end up thwarting the general interest. This leads to what we may consider to be the common good in a relation. This is also very controversial because what is common between Mr. A and Mr. B may not necessarily be the same with Mr. A and Mr. C.

  • Sometimes, it’s about your mindset

    YOU must have noticed that confident people seem to get more confident in whatever skills or talent they possess. The same can be said about people who are optimistic and you discover that their level of optimism helps to discover and rediscover hidden potentials in their lives. Of course, the same applies to people who believe in luck to an extent. It’s almost like a universal magic. The more we expect things to go well for us in our career, business and other spheres of life, the better they go.

    That naturally opens you to the power of positive thinking. Conversely, you also find that people who dwell more on negatives are boxed into a corner this way. This same rule applies to our relationship and the outcome we expect from the one you adore. For a number of great minds who end up in great long-term relationships, you discover that they made it because they put in their best and believed strongly that it was going to work out well.

    It was not just because they were the best candidates for the emotional job but they were determined to get to the end of the emotional tunnel, no matter the odds on the way. Obviously, they didn’t also have the rules on their fingertips. They got through the emotional corridors with attractive partners just because they had a positive mindset. In any relationship, negative feelings are bound to come up. That’s a given. But how you handle those emotions determines the kind of experience you create in the relationship. If your emotions own you early on, you probably won’t be able to talk to him or date in a fun and spontaneous way that men crave and that builds attraction.

    Instead of exploring the potentials and prospect, we usually look the other way. Here, what you discover are issues that make our minds to imagine the worst possible outcomes for dating and relationship situations. This pushes all the wrong buttons and gets us all nervous and upset which, of course, creates distance in relationships.

    On the other hand, when you continuously strive to adopt a positive mind set in a relationship and create fun, positive experiences in the relationship, then the one you love and cherish will start to see you as a positive aspect of his or her life.

    If you want to have a conscious relationship and you want to enjoy the incredible feeling that comes from being able to stay close and connected with the man in your life – even during the tough times or bumps in the road – then you MUST learn how to “own” your emotions in situations with men, and communicate them in a way that uses their power to benefit you and your relationship.

    Your emotions and how you communicate them have tremendous power. They have the power to instantly reconnect you and a man, and they have the power to push him away in no time flat. When you don’t take the time to process emotions and put them into perspective, then the feelings you share would have a very different effect on your partner. Instead of achieving your heart’s desire, you may just be getting negative vibrations all the time. If he doesn’t call you back right away, imagine that he is freaked out with his own life and schedule and make it mean that when he finally does talk to you, he’s going to be even MORE interested because it took you so long to catch up with each other.

    If he tells you he’s not ready for a relationship right now because of his past, realise that, first of all, he’s feeling that way because he really likes you and has had to think about being in a relationship because his feelings are so strong. On the other hand, he may just be scared of his deep feelings for you and doesn’t know how to deal with that yet. But as soon as he figures it out for himself, he’ll miss you and want you, and you don’t have to be there waiting around for him to grow up. There’s nothing wrong with you or how you are. And it’s great that you got to see this problem of his early on, and that it’s his to deal with.

    One of the best ways to do this is through communication and appreciating the other party in the relationship. While it’s fairly easy to practice maintaining a positive mood when you’re by yourself and nobody is pushing your buttons, what happens when you’re relating to a man and he’s bringing his own set of ideas and feelings to the table? You must know what to do, understand how to handle any tension that comes up and how to relate to him in a way that will cause his attraction for you to grow.

  • Falling for school-sweetheart

    ALL work and no play obviously makes Jack (or Jill?) a dull boy. Falling in love in school means different things to different people. For some it brings memories of a fling, some flings and some unfortunate adventure they hate to remember. For people in this category, it brought distractions and bitter memories which they would wish could be swept under the emotional carpet. Interestingly, you also uncover another group that is ready to tell you that it was actually the happiest thing that ever happened in their life.

    Instead of battling with unfaithful partner(s), they met hearts that were sincere and ready to take them to emotional height they never imagined was plausible when they set out on this journey. And just because it provided the warmth required for true love to survive, happily they built on it to make their dreams come true.

    For 35-year-old Kassim, falling in love with his school sweetheart was the best thing that happened to him. “We met in high school and it started as a mere friendship. We parted briefly and met again on campus three years later. We spent a lot of time together and we were almost inseparable. Then one day we went to a friend’s party and I noticed that something fishy was happening. When I confronted her with the details, she denied it and it made me really angry. Later on, she came around with details and wanted me to forgive her. I was really angry and could not believe what I was hearing.”

    Like Kasim, Adeyemi almost broke a heart that was very precious just because of a small argument.

    Adeyemi returned to his lovely treasure, Bimpe, 11 months after an emotional war. “It started as a war of words at a party and for three months it looked that this war would never come to an end.

    “I wept when I saw him running towards me. I couldn’t believe that he was mine once more. The tears continued uncontrollably because all the precious moments that we had shared in the past came rushing back and I just could not hold back the tears. It was a moment they had both been waiting for.

    “It’s definitely more than we could have ever asked for. The reunion has brought us into another phase in the relationship and I just can’t imagine what life would be like if I missed this,” Bimpe enthuses happily.

    When you come across your dream man, there are a number of things that comes to mind. First, you want to know where it’s going to, as well as understand whether it is something that would transform your life.

    Alternatively, it could be something that would sap your emotional energy if you are not in charge. To get a relationship that would be worthwhile, you need to get a clearer picture about the kind of woman a man can’t help but want to be around or get to know better.

    To position yourself as the kind of woman he sees as a long-term prospect rather than a friend or a casual fling, you must understand the things he likes and those he does not like. You can identify this by looking at six critical elements that come to mind when it comes to love and a relationship with a man.

    They include attraction, commitment, sex, love, communication as well as understanding your boundaries. To survive and be on top of the game, you must have a “positive emotional energy” that men can relate to. Most times, you may not even be the most physically attractive woman in the room, but there’s just something about you that men find irresistible.

    When you bring funny, positive thoughts and feelings to situations, you create an experience that men will want to have again and again.

    You also need to stop complaining about little, insignificant detail which will make him feel unappreciated and disinterested, try to think positively about the future together.

    Men, especially those with high-powered, stressful careers, don’t want more stress from the woman in their lives. They want to come home to a woman who can be flexible about plans instead of rigid or set in her ways.

    However, they also respect a woman who has boundaries and says clearly what is not okay with her. You don’t want to be a doormat, or seem like a person who needs his approval. Thinking of nagging or aggression as a tool for emotional survival? No, it won’t take you far at all. Usually, if a man feels coerced or nagged or cornered into doing something, he will resent you. He won’t feel respected and will feel misunderstood. But he won’t tell you that. He’ll just withdraw so he won’t be forced to do things he doesn’t want to do.

    So, instead of forcing him, let him know how happy he will make you if he does something, and then step back. He’ll feel like you trust him and in turn will want to make you happy.

    It is also pertinent to stress that the way you feel and talk about yourself is how a man will ultimately feel about you.

    When a woman talks negatively about herself, whether it’s her weight, her intelligence or her life in general, that’s how a man will see her. If she is looking to him for her worth and self-love, he’s not going to be interested. He’ll see her as needy and not as someone he wants to commit to. But if she loves herself inside and out, he will love her and want to worship her forever.

  • Trapped in an affectionate ditch

    IT was a raining day, and everything and everywhere was in a mess. Shivering in the rain, Bose tried to find her way back home. It was a very sad day because she just broke up with her finance. You can imagine how she was feeling in the cold. Empty and almost with no sense of direction, she just could not imagine how she was going to move on with life without Henry. In that state of confusion, her mind travels far away and then like Humpty Dumpty she falls into the ditch.

    Blackout! “For about three minutes I just couldn’t find my way out, my eyes, mouth and nose was covered with filth. Finally I found my way out drenched in filth and I burst into tears. I cried all the way home. It took me hours trying to get clean but the stench took longer to clear away.”

    Was this going to be the end for this broken and battered heart? Certainly not! It took her a couple of months to come back to reality. Her dear Prince Charming was gone and as she x-rayed the episode (s) that led to the final disintegration of the relationship, she realised that her heart had been in the ditch for so long.

    “Everything came clear to me and I discovered that I was the one who had been fooling myself all along. It was a matter of time but I did not want to accept the bitter truth. By the time he took off, I was devastated.”

    What a sad loss! She saw it coming but was helplessly in love. Most times, a lot of people chase shadows instead of understanding the personality they are having a relationship with. “After the first five weeks together, I realised that Henry was a very selfish and self-centred personality. He was also arrogant and highly temperamental. However, I was ready to accept him because he fit perfectly into the physical image that I had always wanted in a man. He was very handsome and was quite charming,” she confessed.

    Like Bose, Marietta had been through hell and back on the emotional landscape.

    Recently, he came out to tell me about his escapades when a lady in the office tried to blackmail him. He was in a deep shit and somehow he needed my support to survive from this lady. The revelations were devastating for me, but somehow I just had to forgive him because I was helplessly in love with the dude. The only fears that I have at the moment is whether he has changed totally or was likely to go back to all this later.

    Interestingly, some men in this category have confessed to engaging in ‘respectful infidelity’, which involves keeping certain things off-limits, like cheating with women at different stages of their relationship.

    The qualities that sustain a loving and healthy relationship aren’t the expensive gifts or romantic treats that you dole out to the one you love from time to time. Interestingly, love is sustained by the small, repeated show of kindness that costs little in money or time. The big question that you are likely to ask at this point is how can you achieve this kind of attitude as well as sustain it.

    “When I started my last relationship there were signs that things may go bad considering the personality that I had fallen in love with. Even though I saw the threats, I made up my mind to make it work and I started filling the emotional gaps. Some of my friends actually laughed at me, saying that it wasn’t going to work. They advised me to look elsewhere because it seemed that I was fetching my emotional water into a leaking basket. Two years into the relationship, it still looked very bleak but somehow I had made a significant impact in his heart. He made a U-turn and today we have become a reference point for many.”

    It is obvious that successful relationships thrive on sacrifice. You must be there to give what the other person cannot give. By lending a helping, emotional hand here and there, you are certainly going to soar higher and higher. Apart from this, you also need to be thoughtful about the things that would captivate the one you adore as well as make him or her shed tears of affection and joy. You can also achieve this by doing everything that you have always imagined about your dream partner to the one that you finally find yourself entangled with for life. All you need to do is an ’emotional transfusion’. This is a situation where you do everything on your affectionate list to the other person without holding anything back.

    Just give and give as much as you can and somehow you would discover that you are going to derive joy doing this too. By making someone happy you are investing happiness for yourself too, and before you know it, it would be time to reap this emotional seeds in thousands. It is important to do this as often as you can and you can be sure of a great transformation in your relationship.

  • Sweet memories and some fantasy

    MANDY was in her second year on campus when she ran into Bode, a simple and very unassuming gentleman. They liked one another and they had so many things in common which made the relationship exciting and full of prospect.

    She was always ready to tell her friends that this was her dream man. He actually helped to fill all the missing gaps in her life and for those two years that they shared together it was a dream come true. But somewhere along the line, one of her friends came in between them and they fell apart.

    So, what went wrong and who was responsible for this emotional mess? “He started listening to other people’s opinion about me and a lot of times they fed him with lies. Initially, I went to different lengths to prove my innocence but it got to a point where I realised that they was no point crying over spilt milk. It actually worsened the situation and always made me sad.“

    About fifteen months after the break in emotional transmission, Bode discovered the truths. He apologised and wanted to come back. But somehow, Mandy was not as eager as he was. She was afraid that the old scenarios were going to play up again and there was this fear of the unknown.

    Arguments should never be about right or wrong. It should be about what will encourage a healthier relationship. This is done by talking (not yelling) through issues and not only forgiving your partner but being a mature personality in the emotional arena.

    By not letting go of an issue, they will fester over time and cause you to operate negatively in your relationship as if you are in a war zone. Operating in a relationship that was built in love can metamorphose to something terrible. And if you allow yourself to move in this direction as you would do in a war, then it will make you to look at your partner as the enemy and not your partner. The truth of the matter is that it is impossible to be happy and enjoy life when you are constantly in “defence mode.”

    Yes, that sadly is what a lot of people experience in their relationship. On the other hand, it feels better when what you feel brings ecstasy, sweet memories and some fantasy. A colourful relationship can therefore be compared with the rainbow which ushers you into a breath of fresh air.

    Emotionally, we respond to colours as they fit the time of day or year. Lack of sunlight can cause mood swings, depression and low energy level. You appreciate the combination in the rainbow in you understands what some of the colours stand for. For instance, blue is the colour of distance and you can relate this to the oceans, skies and the heavens.

    The energy of blue helps us to hook beyond the immediate environment, expanding our perceptions towards the unknown. As we swing to yellow you get entangled with the sun and its life-giving and sustaining energy. Yellow enriches, lightens and activates many of the systems of the body. Are you fascinated with the colours? Well, there is still a lot of excitement for you as you track your emotional rainbow.

    The words you say and the things you do are very important. It is better to learn how to say the right things at the right time. This actually would give a lasting impression about who you are and where you intend to take the relationship to. Unfortunately, most women never really recognise that they have been making a critical mistake all along in the bid to “save the relationship”.

    While they work desperately to keep the one treasure, they end up discouraging their Romeo by saying things he doesn’t really like. Surprisingly, they never figure out that this particular mistake they keep making is the thing that is actually pushing the man far and further away instead of bringing him closer.

    Something the woman may think that talking things through is all it takes to make things better. They couldn’t be more wrong. Interestingly, at such moments, the best way to save your relationship isn’t more about talking, or sacrificing, or convincing, or even criticizing. It’s figuring out how to inspire your man by doing the things and being the woman that made him feel passionate about you in the beginning.

    It is always better to understand the personality that you are entangled with and the things that he or she likes or dislikes. Once this is settled, then you can move on to the next stages by sealing the deal with affectionate strategies .This would have to be applied in phases and it is better to take one step at a time and not do the last things first.

    So, you can see that it doesn’t have to be hard at all. Because if you’re able to make a critical psychological “shift” in the way you feel about yourself and your relationship, the changes that need to happen are going to happen effortlessly and naturally.

  • Architect of her emotional misfortune

    FOLARIN and Ndidi have been dating for about three years. Each time one of their friends sends an invitation card to their wedding or bachelor’s or spinster’s eve, Ndidi’s heart skips. This time around it was Biodun’s bachelor’s eve and Folarin kept the details from her but fortunately for her, she got the news from Biodun’s girlfriend because they were close. She found her way to the venue and found him with another companion.

    Cheated? Well, if there was another word that could take care of her feelings, this wasn’t quite appropriate. She moved nearer and gave the gal a beating of a life time. The whole party and attention shifted to her and on the spot, Biodun told her it was really over. “Now that you know that it isn’t you that I love, then I can have some peace.”

    What could she really do now? Perhaps it was better to go back to the drawing board and bury the love hatchet. If she got another opportunity to talk with him, they would try to figure out what went wrong and what they could do to get their love back on track again.

    Wait a minute! Haven’t they been talking about this same matter before? As a matter of fact, the talks actually made her upset and even angry at times because his arguments were always unrealistic. But then she persisted because she felt if they could talk things through and make him realise how much she still cared for and loved him, then he may just change this terrible attitude.

    That was not all. Even your friends and family had intervened at different times and it all turned out that you were doing the right things and that if he wasn’t listening, opening up, and “getting it”… then he was the one to blame. That he was the one being selfish and immature.

    Naturally, some of these other reasons made her feel a little bit better but it was only for a moment. It still didn’t explain why, despite everything she was doing to improve herself and their relationship, he was still getting more and more distant, difficult and just wanted to end things with her.

    Sometimes, it is possible to make a miscalculation based on your intuition. This way you are likely to ruin a great relationship because you did the right thing at the wrong time. Of course, there is nothing wrong with following your instinct, the only difference is to understand where and how to apply it.

    For a number of ladies, therefore, you discover that instead of using this intuition to their benefit such people actually end up shooting themselves in the foot and destroying what would have been a marvelous relationship.

    But there are times, when what you have is not worth expending precious energy on. The heart that you have fallen helplessly in love with is actually a counterfeit, an adulterated version of what you dreamed of. It may also be that you are not totally ignorant of the antics but you just want to hold on thinking that things would sort themselves out with time.

    Sadly, some women get so caught up in the mindset that “he will change” once they are married and he would fit into the arrangement with time. But most times, it doesn’t really turn out this way.

    For Bimpe who has found 60 per cent of her requirement in her man, it still can be a hell of a time. “The same laid back demeanour and quiet disposition that my sweetheart possessed and the reason I fell helplessly for him is the same laid back demeanour and quiet disposition that sometimes works my last nerves at times,” she recollects.

    In every relationship, it is important to spell out the terms and understand the personality you are dealing with from the outset. This would let you know whether it is better to continue or make a U-turn if it is only going to end in tears.

    If you do not get off a stressful emotional train then you may crash with the train. Many get caught up in trying to mold and perfect things even when it is obvious that they are never going to go far together.

    It is better to let your woman or man be who they are….flaws and all. The one thing you need to know is that you love unconditionally with not only all the person’s good sides but with all the bad as well.

    We also need to remember that men think differently from women especially when it comes to why they do the things they do in a relationship (s).

    “I am going on my sixth relationship and have been with this current boyfriend for seven months. At the beginning, I liked what I saw and it looked like a dream come true.” But gradually, she began to discover another side of this emotional story and at the moment she is at a crossroads. “He stammers but I didn’t see it as a problem because he was always smiling and happy. But when I got closer and we got used to one another, I realised that he always got angry if I didn’t quickly understand what he was saying while stammering. At such moments, he could be really difficult and I wondered how I was going to cope with such moods in future.”

    Well, she needs to make up her mind on time. This may actually make or mar their relationship and she needs to be sure that it is something that she can cope with in future.

     

  • Reckless on the emotional turntable

    HOW and why did she finally find herself in this situation? Well, that is the question Memuna has been asking herself in the past three days? She went out with a friend last night but her heart was still not in place. The idea was to help resuscitate this dying heart and on the way back home, she fell into a ditch. Every strand on her hair was in a mess, her clothes, shoes and accessories all in a state. When she got back to the house, she had a good wash but the stench was still there. Then she it crossed her mind that she was experiencing the same kind of decay within. Her heart was in pain too and the more she tried to get out of this emotional bullshit the more frustrating things were for her.

    “I just couldn’t really fathom where I lost it all. Was it really my fault or was he the architect of our emotional misfortune? Yes, he was the one who messed it all up but I should have forgiven him. Cheating is almost a way of life for men and I don’t think I should have nailed him to the cross for behaving just like others. Now that I am wiser it’s sad that I just cannot reverse the situation. He messed up and I threw him away. In a short while, another lady grabbed and rescued him from the emotional garbage. The result was that I had lost the one that I really love and it is unlikely that I will ever find a heart like this again.”

    Too bad! What a hard way to learn. Our dear friend should have known that men are a mass of jumbled emotions just as much as we are, and their biggest dream for love is to be totally accepted for who they are. When Sophia met Dotun, she wasn’t really ready for a serious relationship. She was so young and thought she still needed some time to play around before settling down. “On the other hand, Dotun was very excited about the relationship. He was ready to give up everything he had just to have me. But somehow I just did not feel comfortable about the arrangement at all. My friend thought I was stupid for letting what others would have grabbed with both hands go. The truth of the matter was that I wasn’t in love with him, there was no point patching up when I knew that it wasn’t going to work.”

    It was quite obvious that things weren’t going to work out. But if what you are feeling is mutual then you have to make it work. Some people, however, take the other person for granted and just when they think that everything is under control they lose out. It is therefore important to be in charge as well as make sure that you don’t lose the person you are meant to be with forever through your emotional recklessness.

    Sometimes, it is only when we lose what we have that we begin to cherish and appreciate them. You don’t have to fall off the emotional cliff to realise that what you once had compares to a gemstone. However, it is actually easy to survive this emotional disaster, if you’re not genuinely in love with this old flame. Naturally, you are likely to be telling yourself that it was indeed good riddance to this emotional garbage.

    If you feel like she’s a friend, and you don’t have the “tingles” when you’re with her and you don’t care if she calls or if you see her, then it would be easy to cross over this emotional red carpet. In that situation, there isn’t ANY part of you that wants more. You’re probably looking for the woman you really want to show up, and are just “making do” with the pretty face in front of you now.

    Sometimes if the ingredient of love is available, all that is required is a good emotional chef. If you find the right person to do the job then it would be fun all the way. Unfortunately, many actually miss it at this point. They are usually bugged down by the fear of the unknown, which ultimately kills the dreams that would have taken them up the emotional ladder forever together. Mediocrity? Maybe, and this actually stops many of us from getting what we want.

    The big question that we need to ask ourselves at this point is how we use fear the way it’s meant to be used. You are in charge of the emotional arena when you make use of fear as a red flag and a warning. This way you are protected and guided from emotional distractions and disasters. Once you understand how to do this, then you can be sure that it wouldn’t ruin or get in the way of your true happiness. Interestingly, this is an issue therapists and authors have been dealing with for centuries.

  • The best of every man…

    IN her heart, what Chioma craved for in the new relationship she just walked into was an emotional hero, a champion who would meet her emotional needs and take her literarily into the Promised Land. At a glance it looked like she had actually found what she was looking for. Patrick was a cool headed gentleman, he had a good job, was hardworking and a good Christian.

    A dream comes true? Almost! He fit into the bill perfectly well on the surface but as she began to comb his lifestyle she made discoveries nobody was likely to see on the surface. Well, it wasn’t easy rediscovering the guy she would have loved to be the bone of her bones but she persevered and found out the knotty side he would have loved to hide from her.

    “He was very good to me, and my mother and siblings fell in love with him in a short while. They all admonished me not to waste time because of the other emotional hawks who were hanging around. At a point, I was almost convinced about what everyone was telling me. But because I had been disappointed a couple of times by the ones I loved and cherished I had a little reservation about the whole thing.”

    So you wonder where and how she made her discovery and she says: “One evening I found out that he had a call and he found it difficult to answer the call in front of me. He excused himself saying that he wanted to use the gents and I suspected that he had something up his sleeves. He came back looking relieved and I just did not press further after that. About three weeks after, we were at a restaurant when another call came in and he rushed off to the gents once more. When he came back, I confronted him with my observations and he told me that I was right. At that point, he told me that his ex-girlfriend wanted to come back and he just didn’t know how to handle the matter. I told him I was going to give him some time to make his choice. That was the last time I heard from him, he simply reused to get in touch with me and somehow I felt that I had been used.”

    Well, I think there is no point crying over split milk. The gentleman obviously knew what he was doing and once he realised that she wasn’t going to be a fool, he moved on. It was better to discover on time, pick up the battered pieces and move on. Once you find that your partner is not the sincere type then there is no point hanging on. If you hang on with that type of person for too long the pain would hurt deeper as well as cause your heart a lot of damage.

    Once you find out that the relationship isn’t going to get you anywhere, please move on. When you move on, then there is a chance that you can find another and quickly reconnect. This way you can get to that great place you know is inside you and find a better partner. All you need is a heart where love and amazing experiences flow – a heart where love resides and makes emotions flow into your life. This can only happen if you draw the right man and the right relationship to you.

    You also need to remember that: A man can’t read your mind, or know all that’s in your heart.

    Unfortunately, if you are carrying around a belly filled with emotional animosity, then you cannot really go far. You are likely to continue to dwell in the pains of the past as well as read wrong meanings to all the emotional opportunities that come your way.

    For a number of ladies it can be a tough task finding the right man, making a real relationship impossible. So what really is the problem? Are there really no good single men out there? Or is it that you have bad luck and you just keep meeting all the wrong men?