The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Fumbling heart on the highway

    IT is just natural to fall in love with the other heart. At this point, you are likely to want to do anything for love. It may also get you into trouble or be a source of disappointment. When you fall, the process you make use of depends on your goals, lifestyle and more. That perhaps could be the reason why it is mysterious for many.

    Emotional ‘ fallacies’ make our world go round and we usually cannot comprehend how it all started, where we are heading to or why it packed up earlier than expected. At the outset, love comes with excitement.

    Tasty, if it is true. Salty, if it’s tilted in one direction, and polluted, if there is a third heart working so hard to knock off one of the hearts. For the first eight years of the relationship, Tony and Clara had a wonderful time together. Then he got promoted at work and had to travel for about two years. Sadly, they had never been separated since they got married and it just had to happen. Devoted Tony was in touch on phone and he also shared information with her via email.

    For the first six months, Clara tried to adjust and then she fell ill. The family doctor was helpful and she also talked him about the lonely moments. He tried to fill in the gaps and in a short while this emotional handshake went past the elbow. Now, it was time for Tony to return but Clara and the family doctor were cruising on a 140 kilometre-per-hour emotional highway. In less than three months, their truck hit Tony’s car (heart) and it was time for Clara to make a confession. No man likes to hear tales about his wife messing around.

    Instead of having a smooth ride, there was anger, bitterness and confusion which subsequently caused an emotional traffic. At the end of the emotional imbroglio, Tony crushed these hearts and his heart was equally destroyed in the process.

    It’s fun to taste and drink from this stream or river as the case may be. However, when you take too much from love or drink from the wrong stream then you may just have a disaster in your hands. So, how can you stay safe? Perhaps, it’s better to adhere to the popular rule: ‘If you drink, please don’t drive’. The same should apply to the emotional highway – if you are in love, please don’t drive.

    Doing this may just endanger the lives of fellow motorists (lovebirds), pedestrians (not qualified), motorcyclists (who have been banned from the arena) and cyclists (those who would never come this way).

    A person who is drunk is affected by alcohol (love) to the extent of losing control of his or her faculties. A fallen emotional hero here may need to hold onto the wall, a door or a tree to keep him or her from tripping over. When you are intoxicated with love, then it would make you do things that you won’t do ordinarily. At that point, those who know the principles that you cherish would certainly wonder what happened.

    Getting drunk depicts that a number of lovebirds are emotional casualties. We go into the arena with a clear head but gradually begin to lose our head and brain once cupid’s arrow passes through. Poisonous or not , you cease to be your original self, craving and crying for love, asking for more like Oliver Twist and getting so little in return.

    You can’t think properly, you can’t walk properly or drive properly.

    A collision is imminent and if it is a mild crash, then nobody is going to really notice. What you run into also matters and if you are in control of your emotional wheels, then you are likely to manoeuvre and survive. If you don’t then you may be stuck in a bizarre accident with fatal injuries or death.

    A fumbling heart on the highway is a bleeding heart. Even if it survives, the scars would always be there to remind you of the error(s) committed in a drunken state. Sadly, it is a temporary state and when your head clears gradually, you can be sure that the damage is already done. The gender of the person who is drunk matters. If it is the man who is drunk, it can be excused.

    Here it is the familiar it’s-a- man’s-world or men-can-do-it. Alternatively, she could also be blamed for leaving emotional loopholes, gaps that made him stray in the first place. But if the person who has taken in too much alcohol (love) is a woman, then the story would be different. The emotional pendulum can be unfair and you just have to adjust to be in control.

  • In the wrong connecting flight

    TRAVELLING for many can be interesting and it also brings new opportunities. You can do this by road, rail, and sea or by air. Travelling by air comes with excitement as well as challenges too, but the most important thing is to be sure that the end justifies the means.

    This can either be a direct flight or a connecting flight. Where you are going would definitely determine the kind of flight that you opt for in your journey (physical or emotional). For many, the direct flight is straight forward and you are sure to get to your destination faster than if you had to go with a connecting flight.

    The truth of the matter is that it is not all destinations that can be done with a direct flight. At such moments, you are stuck with a connecting arrangement and you just have to change planes (hearts) to get to the destination.

    Naturally, this heart is going from A to C but the heart (plane) must stop at B to continue the emotional journey to C, which is in between the place of origin and the destination. It is actually a hectic and stressful emotional process that can be stalled with baggage transfer, flight delays, flight cancellation and more. It is, however, worse when you miss the connecting flight or hurriedly find your way into the wrong flight.

    This is the emotional scenario that has played itself out in Amarachi’s life. At a distance, you would think she has everything going for her, but that is far from the real picture. Ever since she met this new guy, her emotional flight got diverted and she is stranded.

    “I got married at the age of 15 years, which was quite early. As the last child in the family, my parents and siblings resisted, saying I was not mature enough.”

    She loved him so much and they came to the realisation that this was her choice. She made up her mind to sink in this emotional boat and they just had to let her be. So, did this Prince Charming disappoint her? No, he didn’t! “I lived with him for about 13 years and we had a wonderful time together. The union produced three wonderful children and he was the best father any child could ask for. During this period, I also went back to school and read Accountancy,” she recalls.

    So, why is this babe raising an emotional alarm? “Just when I thought that my dreams were taking shape, the man died. It was the most traumatic period in my life and it was quite hard getting the pieces together.”

    Luckily, her in-laws were also as kind hearted as her late husband. They extended warmness, and things brought succour her way. It was six years in the emotional wilderness, and loneliness made the journey tortuous. Her mother also did not make things better and she kept urging her to look for another heart to lean on. “You are too young to be a widow; you need someone to support you and make life meaningful once more.”

    Young, restless and extremely attractive, the emotional corridors became very tempting. All kinds of hearts started to intrude and it was tough dodging and avoiding the turbulence of the emotional landscape. Her heart was unstable and it was at this point that a dashing dude sauntered into her life. He was all over her whispering sweet nothings, the type every gal wants to hear.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gain. She yielded and decided to open the doors of her heart widely and wildly for the Romeo to reign. What a relief! For the first few months, that was the ‘melody’ on her fragile lips. He swept her off her feet, making her tipsy all the way. Now that we have found love, what are we gonna do with it?

    It was just too good to be real! Time certainly would tell, but in the interim, this poor heart fell helplessly into the emotional gutter. A few months after, she was pregnant. Did he take to his heels?

    Not yet! “He took me to the village to see his parents and some other relatives. Everybody welcomed me warmly and I was convinced at that stage that it was for real.” She continued: “He rented an apartment and we moved in together but we were not married formally.”

    She gave birth to a baby boy and thought that this would further guarantee her place in the uppermost part of his heart. “Shortly after the baby came, I noticed that his attitude towards me changed.”

    He later relocated to the extreme end of the state in search of another emotional greener pasture(s). “He stopped calling me and refused to answer my calls. I got so worried and a family friend told me how to trace him to his new abode. There I discovered that he was living with a sugar mummy; the woman rented a two-bedroom apartment for him and gave him some money to set up a new business.”

    All hell was let loose. Was this pretty lady going to abandon her emotional property for this ‘moneybag’ or was she ready to recover this asset from the old hag, no matter what? This emotional battlefield is quite complicated and our dear friend is just alone. Nobody wants to align with her and the ‘loot’ is satisfied with his new status. His fickle-minded heart is surely having fun. Only God knows how long this new mistress will be able to sustain him, before he goes hunting for the next victim.ac

  • Heart for sale

    WHEN the heart aches so badly, it may just be that you need some emotional painkillers. If it persists, then you are likely to go for more painkillers. But you just have to be careful not to get to a stage where you end up with an overdose of emotional killers. There are some traumatic experiences that painkillers just cannot heal. Perhaps what you need is surgery to make the healing permanent.

    This also may not totally take care of the harm that has been done to your poor loving heart.

    Many have therefore asked overtime: who needs a heart when it can be broken to pieces? Isn’t it better to put it up for sale and make some profits before it crashes? No, it isn’t fair to sell your heart because it aches emotionally. It obviously carries out so many other essential duties that are far more important than falling in and out of love.

    The heart is a hollow muscular organ that pumps blood throughout the blood vessels to various parts of the body by repeated, rhythmic contractions. The average human heart, beating at 72 beats per minute, will beat approximately 2.5 billion times during an average 66-year lifespan, and pumps approximately 4.7-5.7 litres of blood per minute. It weighs approximately 250 to 300 grams in females and 300 to 350 grams.

    It is a part of you that you treasure and you certainly would not want to lose or allow to be in the wrong hands. However, when it comes to the emotional heart, then there are times when it may be better to do away with a leaking heart, a sagging heart or a heart that has shrunk. When you get to this stage, then you are likely to put up your heart or the other heart for sale at an emotional bazaar. Here, the heart (s) would be auctioned and you can be sure that the highest bidder is going to go home with whichever heart has been put up for sale.

    At this point, it is gone forever and you just have to let go and stop dreaming that you are ever going to get it back. Of course, the person who has staked so much to grab your heart or the heart of the person you treasure is not going to allow you to come and make claims after paying so much.

    So, the big question here is why anybody would want to let go of something they cherish or had treasured at a particular point in time.

    You get into a relationship with some expectations and when you get in there, you find that the person does not meet up to your expectations at all and that is the point where some begin to map out strategies on how to opt out of such a relationship.

    There are also other instances when the person started very well and it looks like a dream come true. However, with time, values may change and the person may not longer be as attractive as they were in the past. Different strokes, indeed. What Mr. A places so much value on may just not be appealing to Messrs. C, B and D.

    The emotional additions and subtractions may just not add up correctly and this brings tears, frustration and confusion. If suddenly you discover somewhere along the line that something fishy is going on, then you need to take a decision. It could be to forgive and forget or simply to walk away instead of ending up in an emotional ditch.

    Well, it could also be compared with “House for sale.” The images would be unpleasant for many. What is exciting about a dilapidated porch, shattered window panes, casements that are rotting and sagging, broken shutters as well as door knobs that have fallen apart. Of course, there’s nothing fanciful or interesting for anyone to behold! It would definitely be deserted and you would actually feel the empty loneliness from a distance.

    Even a blind heart can smell it all. Whoever wants to reside here would be living in the past; old designs and the state of neglect which only a few would be content to stick it. Flashback down memory lane and you could see a very deep contrast. Sweet décor, flowers and the freshness of new paint and wood polish made it once magnetic.

    People sell what they have sometimes to meet a need, support a cause, to get a better value or just out of desperation. Here, you can be sure that this heart would be at the whims and caprices of the buyer.

    If there is a jinx and there is no buyer then it may just become an abandoned building (heart). At such moments, you may just need the help of an agent (matchmaker).Here, you are at the mercy of the buyer and you should remember that this house now has a second hand value and you just may not be in control of the pricing.

    Certain factors would determine what you get and if the bargain is right; the mood of the buyer, his or her temperament, personality and disposition to emotional matters. If the mood is right, then the buyer is likely to transform the old house and it would look like a palatial edifice, a place everyone wants to be. At such moments, those who sold it off in a hurry would look back and wish they could pull back the hands of time.

  • Casting a tattered love net at sea

    WE all like to have things our way. This, however, does not apply in the game of love because it takes two hearts to move the love ship forward. Things must therefore be done in proportion to have a balance. When this is not attainable, then you may just have to give the other person some breathing space.

    So, when your partner begins to show some distant behaviour then it could just be a temporary or a permanent break. Interestingly, men have a different emotional process when it comes to attraction and getting closer to a woman.

    Once you know how to make a man feel attracted to you on physical, emotional, and intellectual levels, then your relationship will largely take care of itself.

    When Kunle lost his third girlfriend, Morenike, about two years ago, he vowed not to take women seriously any more. She played a lot of pranks and he preferred not to share his pains with anyone. Gradually, he realised that loneliness was worse and decided to lift the emotional embargo. Of course, he was not going to allow any lily-livered girl to take advantage of his heart and must therefore tread cautiously.

    Casting his love net into the sea, the search began in earnest. Unfortunately, the net was not in good shape, it was tattered and so the targets could not stay. He tried and tried again, but, sadly, the few hearts that moved around were not mature or acceptable by his standards. Then one morning, this Romeo got a call that made his heart skip a bit in the emotional direction. “Hello… good morning. Please I have a package from your sister in South Africa. She asked me to drop it for you, when can I do this?”

    Her voice swept him off his feet immediately and he told the babe at the other end to bring the package immediately. Could this be the chosen one? Only time would tell. And, in the interim, he tried to make the house look very neat and plan a romantic first encounter.

    The door bell finally rang about two-and-half hours later and happily he opened the door. “I was too shocked by what I saw; the voice just did not correspond with the face that was staring at me.” In a jiffy, he did a random assessment and knew that this was no Cinderella or the girl of his dream. The dress and her pair of shoes were awful; it was obvious that she had no sense of style. Her eyeballs were damned too big, and shapeless was the word.

    He continued: “I didn’t know how long I stood there, staring at her in disappointment, and then her sweet voice brought me back again. ‘I am sorry, hope I am not in the wrong place, or have I done something wrong?’ ” she queried.

    Oh dear! The sonorous voice was at work once more and he invited her to step inside the house. “We talked for hours and I realised that we shared a lot in common.”

    That was how their love story began and they became inseparable in a short while. “We saw ourselves on a regular basis and we shared every detail without holding anything back from each other.

    “Together, we worked on her appearance and, today, you cannot believe the transformation that has taken place. I realised that she was even prettier than the other girls that I dated in the past. The only difference was that she got frustrated with matters of the heart and refused to take care of her looks. By the time I came into her life, she became a different person and that happiness radiated in every aspect of her life,” Kunle enthused.

    On a daily basis, people run into hearts that they fall in love with for one reason or the other. Sometimes, it could be your looks, attitude or a little detail that you never really cared about.

    You also find a lot of people who are confused when it comes to choosing a partner. They have some qualities that they want and once the person does not possess these qualities, then there is no going further. What Mr. A likes would definitely be different from what Mr. B likes. Yet, there are ways to identify some areas of similarities which may set the sparks.

    So, how do you go about falling in love? you ask. That’s hard to say because people find love in different ways and there is no hard or fast rule to follow. However, there are some things you can do to let yourself open up to all the possibilities love has to offer.

    The first key to falling in love is finding someone to fall in love with. The person you love will most likely be your best friend or someone that you have known for a while. Even though some experience “love at first sight” and it sounds romantic, but the truth of the matter is that it isn’t very smart. The use of the term “fall” implies that the process is in some way inevitable, uncontrollable, risky, irreversible, and that it puts the lover in a state of vulnerability.

  • Can’t fix what you can’t see

    THE desire to have a compatible partner and live happily together is great. In reality, this appears to be a dream and only a few lucky dreamers, are proud to live this dream. Why should attaining love heights be a mirage for many?

    Success comes when lovebirds are genuine. This is possible with hearts that are ready to produce sincere friendship, friendship that can endure the test of time as well as overcome the odds encountered as the years roll by.

    A genuine heart service therefore comes your way when your partner shows true feelings; and it is expressed in an honest way. Conversely, if you are unlucky to come across a heart that if filled with deceit, hypocrisy then you are in for trouble. No matter how much you try things aren’t going to work because an adulterated heart is going to mess up everything with feigned romance.

    So, the most appropriate thing would be to check with an emotional stethoscope to be sure that the heart that you are in a tango with is not a fictitious heart. The next question you are likely to ask, is how do you verify and sift out a heart hiding behind a plastic smile.

    The crux of the matter is that this is a very hard task and many do not get to know what’s actually happening in the heart of those the treasure until it is almost too late. At that point, the deed (s) would have been done and your input actually does not count. So you either take it or leave it. But if you are sharp enough to detect that Mr. or Mrs. Right is ‘fake’, then you may just be able to make a few changes and be saved from an emotional blast.

    Like every other blast, it knocks you off the emotional lane ; if you are lucky to come back, it may just be with a heart that has been amputated. This kind of heart, will not take you far and if you have to do an emotional marathon with others, you can be sure to come last in the race.

    Tobiloba dated his first girlfriend, for about four years and he was so certain that the relationship would end in marriage. He played his role dutifully and everyone imagined that this was one of those rare experiences, made only in heaven.

    At a point, the groom to- be had drawn up a list of things to do and dreamt of what to expect on the D-day. He also asked the lady who had stolen his heart to bring her list of essentials but to his dismay she started to develop cold romantic feet.

    What could he have done wrong? Was he not meeting with her expectations or was there something distracting her heart from his. Yes, there was a distraction indeed. “For about three months, I tried to find out what was amiss but she just would not open up. The wedding naturally was kept on hold because of the confusion. Then one morning, I got a call from her sister who finally let the ugly cat out of the bag.”

    She told the Romeo that the heart who claimed to be my sweetheart was actually in love with another person. What a blow! Well, there is really nothing new under the sun and so he just had to accept his lot and move on with the remaining pieces. She then went on to apologize on her sister’s behalf saying she realized that what she felt for me was not love and that I was more like a brother to her.’

    It was obviously the end of the road and the important thing was for his heart to make a u-turn, fin a better direction and navigate wisely to avoid another emotional crash. That failed trip took a toll on almost everything he did and about two years after he ran into another lady who caught his emotional fancy.

    Interestingly, Tayo

    Was very shy and reserved when he first ran into her.

    “I thought she was sweet, but in all honesty I didn’t see a second date in our future. She was just too quiet and it seemed like we had almost nothing in common. On our way out of the shopping mall, we stopped by a bookshop and bumped into some of her friends. To my utmost surprise, she loosened up, and that was when I saw a different side to her personality. That part of her which was soft and humorous attracted me to her and that was how it really started”.

    She also like the fact that I liked that Toba was open and there were no pretense. He was genuinely interested and cared about every little detail.

    For six years, Amaka has been lonely and alone. She decided to put all her attention on the job to fill in the vacuum. Her dedication to work paid off and it made her feel a little bit wanted and appreciated. However this did not take away the emotional gaps which had dug a big hole in her heart.

    For some of her friends, the hope that work would open new romantic opportunities was the last resort. Unfortunately, Mr. Right was not along this corridor and she never met men through my job no matter how hard she tried.

    Oh dear! How can our dear friend get out of the emotional woods? This led her into the habit of reigniting old relationships, seeing if she could make them work the second time around.

  • Star without the emotional medal

    Star without the emotional medal

    OSCAR Leonard Carl Pistorius had the world in his pocket. He struggled against the odds even though both legs were amputated below the knee when he was 11 months old.First he competed in events for single below-knee amputees and for able-bodied athletes. He became a Paralympics champion and made moves to enter able-bodied international competition. It was not so easy and he got persistent objections and charges that his artificial limbs gave an unfair advantage.

    Determined our star ruled his world and eventually prevailed in the legal dispute. At the2011 World Championships in Athletics, Pistorius became the first amputee to win an able-bodied world track medal. At the Olympics, the following year Pistorius became the first double leg amputee to participate in the Olympics when he entered the men’s 400 metres and 4 × 400 metres relay races. That same year at the paralympics, Pistorius won gold medals in the men’s 400-metre race and in the 4 × 100 metres relay, setting world records in both events.

    For his fans, this man was destined for more exploits and they were waiting to see him set other records. But 14 February last year all the feats and medals were put on the reverse gear . Instead attention now shifted to an emotional error committed on Valentine’s day. Pistorius was arrested and charged with the murder of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.

    It has therefore been tales of trials and tears for friends and family. Even Reeva would be shedding tears in her graves. Tears of a shattered emotional dream, tears for the heart she loved so much, tears also that she is not alive to tell her own version of this love tragedy. At the center of the tragedy are claims of an intruder, the person (s) who distracted the love process and replaced cupids arrow with a fatal bullet (s).Clinging to claims that he was after an intruder Pistorius appears to be heartbroken.

    What we also need to verify whether the intruder was physical or an emotional intruder. Sometimes, the emotional intruder can more vicious and you just cannot track them down. The more you search for the emotional intruder , the more elusive the become slipping away like the shadow. Any when you are hunting a shadow in a romantic adventure , you are likely to shoot yourself down and ultimately become the victim.

    During the week Oscar Pistorius’s defence received a new blow when its own expert witness contradicted the athlete’s version of events in cross-examination from chief prosecutor Gerrie Nel.

    This case can be compared with Shakespeare’s Othello. It is the story of a brave and competent soldier of advanced years and Moorish background in the service of the Venetian Republic. He elopes with Desdemona, the beautiful daughter of a respected Venetian senator. After being deployed to Cyprus, Othello is manipulated by his Ancient Iago, into believing Desdemona is an adultress. Othello murders her and, upon discovering Iago’s deceit, kills himself.

    The script takes off after a storm destroyed the Turkish fleet. Othello orders a general celebration and leaves to spend private time with Desdemona. In his absence, Iago schemes to get Cassio drunk after Cassio’s own admission that he cannot hold his wine. He then persuades Roderigo to draw Cassio into a fight. The resulting brawl alarms the citizenry, and Othello is forced to quell the disturbance. Othello blames Cassio for the disturbance and strips him of his rank. Cassio is distraught, but, as part of his plan to convince Othello that Cassio and Desdemona are having an affair, Iago persuades Cassio to importune Desdemona to act as an intermediary between himself and Othello, in order to convince her husband to reinstate him.

    Iago now persuades Othello to be suspicious of Cassio and Desdemona. Othello drops a handkerchief (with which Desdemona was trying to bind his headache) that was Othello’s first gift to Desdemona and which he has stated holds great significance to him in the context of their relationship.

    Despite the supposed importance of the handkerchief neither seem to notice the handkerchief had been dropped. Emilia finds it, and gives it to Iago, at his request, but she is unaware of what he plans to do with the handkerchief. Iago plants it in Cassio’s lodgings as evidence of Cassio and Desdemona’s affair. After he has planted the handkerchief, Iago tells Othello to stand apart and watch Cassio’s reactions while Iago questions him about the handkerchief.

    Then Iago goads Cassio on to talk about his affair with Bianca, a local courtesan with whom Cassio has been spending time, but speaks her name so quietly that Othello believes the two other men are talking about Desdemona when Cassio is really speaking of Bianca.Feeling betrayed, Othello resolves to kill his wife and asks Iago to kill Cassio. In the night, Othello confronts Desdemona, and then smothers her to death in their bed.

  • Could unleash emotional terror

    NOBODY wants to be in a business without any benefits. Out of desperation a number of people take certain jobs and businesses thinking that things would get better later. Most times things do not get better or match their dreams and it is at such moments that they resort to drastic measures or revert back to statuesque.

    The same applies to our various relationships there must be something interesting or exciting about the other person to make the love dream work. Sometimes the love ingredient was actually present at the onset but after a while it shrinks and subsequently diminishes.

    When you notice that the heart that you care about is shrinking then you need to lend a helping hand. This is important because if you don’t do something fast your affections would be wasted. When you get to this point you need to fashion out ways to bring back the original intimacy to survive.

    Enitan has had a fair share of relationships and at a point she figured that she was pretty in tune with what romance and intimacy were. So there was no point beating about the emotional bush searching for the elusive Mr Right. It was better to settle for what she was acceptable even though it was not the original idea.

    The next set assignment was to make this second hand emotional car move her bode , soul and mind through the required shedules that would ultimately take them to the desired destination. A lot of psychological repairs, painting and cleaning had to be done and she put in everything into this project to make it work.

    Through sharing her life with Banji, Enitan who had been deprived of affection realized just how important and special romance and intimacy could be. Whaoh! Was this what she had been missing all this while and from that point there was no holding back. She became a slave to love sowing affection endlessly and hoping that all the affectionate tears sown were appreciated.

    ‘We dated for about eighteen months and he was so nice and gentle. we went everywhere together , did almost everything together and at a point we seemed to reason almost alike. Each time I looked into his face, I thanked God for uniting such a great heart with mine”.

    An emotional miracle ? Well, not quite . “I went shopping one day and realized that a lady had been trailing me. I decided to comfort her and to my surprise she wasn’t remorseful at all. I wanted to know what she wanted from me and that was when she let out the cat from the bag. She was Enitan’s secret lover and she was tired of been kept in the cooler”. The crux of the matter here is that when you keep something in the fridge or freezer it is for a while.

    The intention usually is to keep it and bring it out when the time is ripe. If you forget to do this or realize that you do not need the item in question then it is either going to loose its taste or crack if it is in a bottle.So it is with our emotions. A plan B in a relationship means that at a certain point the former would be replaced by the latter. However if the calculations do not go as planned then someone who must feel used is bound to get angry and unloose emotional terror. Who has been playing the fool here? Someone certainly must give way because the two timers have been unveiled and you either take ‘it’ or leave ‘it.’

    The best way out of the emotional woods is to play the game according to the rules. Maintain a good relationship and let your partner know that you are always thinking about him or her. This really takes very little effort and costs absolutely nothing but your time.

    “My woman sends me several text messages throughout the day while he’s at work, just to say he’s thinking about me. I find myself really looking forward to these, and if most of the day goes by and I haven’t received one yet, I realize how much I miss them!”

    He adds: “One morning, I woke after she was already at work, and when I went into the bathroom to take a shower, there, written on the mirror with a bar of soap, was a message from her. I didn’t clean it for two days!”

    Interestingly, these little reminders that your love is on your mind even when you are not there will make her feel special and important and they take very little time and effort on your part for such a large payoff in return.

    Give her a gift for no reason at all and make it something personal or homemade. Compliment her. If you are going out for the night and you know she took special care to dress and prepare for the evening, be sure to tell her she looks nice. I know a lot of guys don’t notice the little things like a new hair cut or a new outfit, but if you think she looks good, tell her so, and mean it.

  • What to do with fractured remains?

    TRUE love should be able to withstand the test of time. It should get better as it passes through the emotional furnace and be purified instead of being burnt out.

    A teen-age father was arrested recently on suspicion of biting off the tip of his infant son’s nose in a fit of rage because the child was crying. What a pity! Well, you can’t totally blame him because he is not yet mature for the responsibilities entrusted upon him.

    That, of course, is no excuse because he chose to tread the path early and must be made to bear the consequence. Joshua Cooper, 18, was therefore booked into jail on suspicion of child cruelty and aggravated mayhem for the incident.

    The whole drama started when the police were alerted to the incident following a “hysterical” call from the newborn boy’s 17-year-old mother and first responders found the baby bleeding from his nose.

    “One third of the child’s nose had been severed off and the child was rushed to the hospital and later transferred to the Children’s Hospital due to the severity of his injuries. The baby’s skull was also fractured, and his brain was hemorrhaging. After further investigation, this immature father and lover was arrested and sent to jail, far away from those he claimed to love and you just wonder if he was ever love in the first place.

    Joshua obviously is not alone. There are so many hearts that have been fragmented and fractured this way. A number of people actually rush into the love arena without an inkling of what awaits them at the other end of the emotional tunnel.

    By the time they are hit with the reality and responsibilities expected, their hearts freeze and instead of showing affection they give out the reverse and the result is that more hearts get frozen in the process. From love heroes and heroines, they become terrors dreaded on the emotional highway.

    The emotional corridor, pedestrian bridges and highways are supposed to bring succour and comfort to many. Unfortunately, it now boasts of hit-and-run drivers, hoodlums and charlatans. When you find yourself in this kind of arena, you are naturally going to be filled with fear or worry about your relationship.

    Well, this is another hard truth. Everyone does. At different points, we all have this inner “voice” that pops up in your mind trying to sort things out, sift out the lie. Here, you are bound to make more discoveries as well as identify the symptoms of a dying or dead relationship.

    Sometimes you move on to a better side of the relationship, and it is at this point that things begin to fall back in the right place. But there are times when the voice makes your heart sink deeper into the abyss. It is important to note that when this voice comes up, you must acknowledge it for what it is.

    The voice is an expression of some of your own fears or worries, but not the best of you. And the voice might be trying to tell you something it could be helpful to know, but the voice is rarely right. The voice is not your best or highest “self.” It’s a part of you, but not all of you. Being aware that the voice is not entirely “you” and is just that – a voice – makes all the difference in how you live your life and the choices you make in your relationship.

    The crux of the matter is that when you allow the voice to speak for you and occupy your thoughts, it would certainly drive your emotions and feelings in the wrong direction.

    When someone has a crush on you, they would be ready to do anything for love. It is at that point that they would overlook all the bad things that you do or have ever done to them. But as soon as you hit your emotional limit, then you have lost it. It is at such points that you find someone who has been showing a lot of interest in the past suddenly losing interest and wanting to let go. Of course, now that you have come to the realisation that you are about to lose the gem you never cherished, you would be desperate and your immediate reaction is probably to launch into “fix it” mode. You might start to worry, ask her what she’s thinking and feeling, and generally try to “fix” the situation.

    While this might seem like a sensible, proactive thing to do, it usually ends up leaving you frustrated and can actually create more distance between you and the heart you want a second chance from.

    Naturally, when one person in any interaction becomes the “convincer,” the other person will usually resist. It’s human nature, and we all know that you are likely to pass through different phases and your level of tolerance will determine how far the two of you can go. The best thing you can do is to take the focus off needing to fix the situation and simply give the person space to determine whether it is worth continuing with the relationship or not.

  • To switch gear or make an abrupt exit

    WHEN a young guy and a young girl fall in love, it is indeed a dream come true. However, it is not the falling and tripping that matter; usually the most important thing is where there are heading to. Would it be a forever-happy ending, would it make disastrous headlines later or are they likely to want to take each other’s pound of flesh when cupid’s arrow makes an abrupt exit.

    One interesting story is that of a young man whose heart sank as soon as he saw the girl he loved. Unfortunately for them, there was this social disparity and for a while it looked like they couldn’t go far. The young man was from a very wealthy background while the girl who caught his fancy was from a very poor home.

    For him, it wasn’t really an issue but somehow our dear friend was swimming with conflict over this complex. The girl’s parents weren’t also comfortable with the whole idea. So, the young man decided not only to court the girl but to court her parents as well. In time, the parents saw that he was a good man and was worthy of their daughter’s hand.

    But there was another problem: his parents had not been converted in this love arrangement and they stood against it. Then the man at the centre of the love story was given an assignment in the office and he had to travel for a year and half. Well, there was nothing they could do about it and he just had to go. Sadly, a few days after he left, the girl had a major accident. It was a head-on collision which left her really in a bad shape.

    When she woke up in the hospital, she saw her parents and friends crying. Immediately, she knew there was something wrong. She later found out that she suffered brain injury. The part of her brain that controlled her face muscles was damaged. Her once lovely face was now disfigured. She cried as she saw herself in the mirror.

    No, this was not what he fell in love with and so there was no point short changing Mr. Right. Right there and then, she decided to release her fiancé from their promise. She knew he wouldn’t want her anymore. She would forget about him and never see him again. However, he was faithful and wrote so many letters. He tried to phone her but she just wouldn’t return his calls.

    Then a friend told him what had happened to his darling and he took the next flight just to see the only heart that he cherished. As soon as he saw her he reassured her that what he felt was not physical; it was not the face that had changed but a heart that was filled with love and warmth.

    A beautiful face with a wicked heart cannot compare with what she had given him over the years. That assurance healed her wounds in a very short while and they were united once more in love. Interestingly, not all love stories end this way. A lot of times lovebirds get carried away with the things they see and not what they feel. Love is defined as what is sweet, tasty, rich and attractive. Once the person you claim to cherish is affected by the vicissitudes of life it would be time to take off and run into the arms of someone who possesses the quality that they once had. A fair-weather friend, indeed.

    Most times, love is actually a gamble with the ‘To be or not to be ‘ question hanging in the balance. For the unlucky ones, the gambler may have to run at a certain point. Running may take place almost immediately halfway through the storm or just towards the end of the love game.

    The latter experience is the saddest because it comes at a point when almost everyone is certain that the lovebirds have crossed the Rubicon. At that point, they would have spent precious time, energy and resources to make this love project work. Now, instead of getting kudos for a job well done, all you get in return for your investments are knocks; knocks that pierce through the heart like poisonous arrows.

    In order to save yourself from being an emotional wreck, it is better to run away with the ‘wretched remains’, because you have come to the realisation that you are on the brink. To enjoy a relationship, you must share a number of things in common.

    In addition, the couple must be ready to make sacrifices, the fifty-fifty love kind of thing. But if she is giving 70 and you are giving a miserly 30 per cent, then it isn’t going to work at all. Maureen is actually in a faulty relationship she has had to endure for about 18 months but now she just can’t carry on again. Having been a victim thrice, Maureen decided to stoop to conquer this time around.

    Throughout the courtship period, the lovebirds schemed to achieve their individual goals and you wonder if they could ever emerge as one. Everyone wants financial and emotional security, but striking a good balance comes when you are ready to give so much for the one you love.

    Agree? Not everyone would agree with that view. The truth of the matter is that we always look around for partners that can help perpetuate our brand of love. When they resist, then it would be time to abandon this love canoe for a better love boat, one that would accommodate our whims and caprices.

  • Sorting out the bumps and rough patches

    GOOD romance can be compared to that haute couture design that you cherish so much and you feel like wearing all the time. It is personal, attractive and something that makes you the cynosure of eyes each time you step out in it. You love to flirt around in it, show off and proud to say it is yours. Conversely, an outfit that is so common and found on almost everyone feels cheap and you would definitely want to have it tucked away in the corner.

    The latter obviously depicts romance that has gone sour and brings bitter memories each time it flashes in your mind. Looking down memory lane, you almost wish you never had anything to do with it because it is not worth the while. A wonderful experience is all about creating a mood, touching the senses, cradling the heart, and mingling with each other’s souls; so, be creative.

    Romance and intimacy are important spices that are necessary to produce a lasting impression on the person you love and admire. To enjoy a relationship, whatever you are giving must be reciprocated by the other party.

    Here we are talking about the quality of the portion of love that is being doled out which must be matched with trust, mutual respect and appreciation of the good deeds. You can therefore be sure that all is well when you add all the parts together and you have a wonderful outcome.

    There are times when the affectionate lane is dull and unattractive. When you get to this emotional juncture, you sure need to fashion out ways to cross over without tears. Tears? Yes, they are a necessary part of the emotional itinerary but there is no point crying for the sake of it.

    How far you go at this point depends on your partner. You definitely need to be there for one another, no matter the odds. If it is the woman who feels like walking, then it means that she needs more attention to find her emotional bearing. Here, her better half needs to do more than cuddling just a little bit. Well, if you are the time that is not used to showing off this way, then you may just have to fake it.

    The crux of the matter is that women need to feel loved and cared for all the time. Some people believe that with age things should be different. No, it has nothing to do with age at all. From time to time, you need to give her a little pat on the back, compliment her when she’s doing some task or give her a wonderful kiss before you walk out the door.

    This certainly would help to sustain the emotional circle and renew the sparks from time to time. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not understand this when things begin to fall apart. Of course, there are a number of signs to look out for and once you come to the realisation that all is not well then it is better to mend the emotional fence before it comes crumbling down.

    The big question here is what you watch out for at this stage. Naturally, there are different phases in every relationship. You need to be on the alert when the love of your life starts to appear more interested in his friends and relatives than in you. Sometimes, there may just be no cause for alarm because it may just be that your partner needs some space.

    At that point, all he or she needs is some time to rediscover themselves especially after a period of intense intimacy. It would surely be a time to take stock and reassess the love process. It is something done to recharge and they are likely to come back better and brighter in the relationship.

    It could also be that there is an uncertainty that needs to be cleared. This could be because the person is feeling that he or she is not in the right place and is probably thinking of exploring another relationship option.

    Here it is obvious that the person is not getting fulfillment and there is an emotional vacuum that needs to be filled. The truth of the matter is that almost every relationship hits bumps and rough patches at one point or the other.

    However, if you spend quality time building special moments and memories, you will have these times to reflect back upon and those moments will certainly help carry you two over the hurdles and obstacles.

    Experts advise that keeping the romance alive is an important aspect of a relationship. You need to constantly make time for each other. You have to be willing to set aside special times for each other. The problem, however, is that couples become too busy with their everyday activities and it becomes easier to sacrifice the romance as opposed to finding and making the time for each other.

    There is no straight jacket answer to relationship and the many puzzles we encounter from time to time. Problems in relationships are inevitable, yet it is possible to remain satisfied in your relationship in spite of differences.

    Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences. The key is to continually work it out and be matured when the uncertainties come your way. It can also get better when you acknowledge that there is a problem and you both talk about it.