The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • A heart that is chronically untrustworthy

    AN elderly couple holding hands, taking a romantic walk can be exciting to behold. They must have crossed many emotional rivers together and you wonder what’s been holding them together all these years. Guess many would want to be like this when they grow old. It’s a wonderful notion: having someone as your mate in a happy and lasting relationship.

    What are the ingredients of a great relationship? A beautiful face, handsome buddy, resources to carry out your dreams, and more. However, trust is the livewire of a great relationship and it makes the emotional ledger balanced. It is the first and the most important predictor of long-term relational success.

    For a number of people, trust is indeed a complicated matter. Some actually trust blindly. Those in this category are with hearts that have shown time and again to be untrustworthy, yet they continue to give that person underserved chances. Naturally, this can be linked with the saying that goes, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.”

    To allow a chronically untrustworthy individual to be one’s significant other is to create an inherently insecure relationship, which may ultimately lead to disillusionment. Usually, it is better to evaluate your partner’s trustworthiness during courtship to be sure that you are on the right track.

    While some people trust blindly, others actually have trust issues. This can be due to negative experiences from the past or those who can’t trust a committed relationship with the opposite sex. They, therefore, continually go through an emotional struggle when it comes to trusting their mate, no matter how dependable their partner is.

    When you like and admire someone, you still need to be on the alert emotionally. It is not wise to just believe that all is well because you never can tell. That was precisely what Maureen did and in the process the emotional cat was let out of the bag.

    “I met my boyfriend about nine months ago. We met at the cinema and somehow hit it off almost immediately. Like yours truly, he had had some nasty relationships and we talked about it holding almost nothing back from each other.”

    Could this be love? Has she finally found what she so desperately craved for? Questions, questions and more questions. From experience, Maureen tried to be a little cautious and tried to cross check all the emotional details. “ At a point, I thought everything was going great. We planned an outing at the cinema and I put in so much effort to look great that evening. Then he called me to inform me that he had to travel for an emergency in the office. I felt really disappointed but held no grudges because work was also important.”

    Somehow, our dear friend made up my mind to go to cinema alone instead of feeling very lonely at home. “To my utmost shock, I saw my boyfriend at the cinema with another girl. They were kissing and hugging themselves and didn’t even know that I was there. Then I walked up to him just to say hello. When he saw me he was just too shocked to say a word. He just stood up and ran out of the place abandoning his date as well. I could not wait to watch the movie and I cried all the way home. Only God knows what happened to the other girl, she probably was also one of his many victims.”

    Like Maureen, Biodun is at the crossroads with the girl he loves so much. Dedicated and loving, he does everything to assure her that she is the apple of his eyes. One night while she stepped out to go to the kitchen, or he was curious and slightly suspicious, he snuck onto her phone and found that she was actually talking to, and even flirting with people whilst still maintaining a relationship with him.

    Tears of affection! Yet, he decided to keep it a secret that he had seen something on her phone that same night and questioned her about the other people in her life seemingly casually.”She lied and even showed me her phone claiming that I was the only person in her life. Then I noticed that she had actually deleted the messages I had just seen.”

    Biodun was incredibly upset, but brushed it aside, and decided to just keep that in mind for the future. “About three weeks after, Maureen came over to my place and while she was taking a nap, curiosity got the best of me again, and I crept onto her laptop and discovered that she had been talking to her friends about breaking up with me because she thought that I was insecure about our relationship, that I was too anti-social for her tastes and that we didn’t have much in common.”

    At this point, his heart was crushed, and decided that it was better to save himself from more pain. I told her exactly what she had told her friends and expected her to apologise and be sober. She took it a lot harder than he had expected and didn’t like the fact that Biodun questioned her commitment either.

  • Stuck with the beast

    SOME people actually love the beast, someone who would beat and traumatise her, yet she just won’t leave. He turns her into a punching bag on a daily basis and she seemingly likes it. It must be an emotional nightmare and you wonder how to define this kind of love.

    The big question here is would you voluntarily hop into a cage with an angry tiger only to wonder how you got stuck with the beast? No, you don’t really have to go through this kind of agony. If you do this then you did it by choice. At that point you are likely to think that you could do something to calm this beast. If you find yourself in this unfortunate state, then it is better to get out before you get hurt.

    This scenario explains what a lot to do when we go into relationships with strange bedfellows. Usually, we set ourselves up for rejection and pain, then insist that it should not be happening or that we can change the other person. Unfortunately, some people repeat this pattern for a lifetime. Seeking the approval of negative people can be an emotional addiction. It approaches insanity in many cases.

    ‘While all deception requires secrecy, all secrecy is not meant to deceive’.

    This quote by Sissela Bok tells us that a heart that is filled with deception must have lots of secrets, do unusual things and plan desperately secrets that such a person would never want to be uncovered. You can be sure that all hell would be let loose if anyone they are shielding the secrets attempts to open the can of emotional worms.

    If the person you love and cherish is willing to make some sacrifice and work on repairing your relationship, then there is a chance that your problems are fixable. But if the strings are very weak, then there is nothing you can really do about it. Perhaps, it may also be the turning point that you have been craving for all your life. It could just be the end of the stress relationship that you have been struggling with all your life.

    Even those with a heart of stone would feel bad when they are taken for granted on the emotional landscape. “My husband of about 12 years is having an affair with a woman he met on a flight.” Sadly, she found out a few weeks ago when he inadvertently left an email message open on his laptop. “Of course, I know that cheating is part and parcel of the love process. The truth of the matter is that it is not written on people’s faces but after a while whatever is done under wraps would come out in the open.”

    When you live with someone for a while, then you are likely to notice when they are going astray. Here, you would notice some changes in their habits and it’s possible that they would begin to do the things that they were not doing in the past. In this particular case, he discovered that her phone records confirm daily long-distance conversations, change in dress code and a more fanciful hairstyle.”

    Did she really smell a rat? “Of course, I sensed that they have never met personally but they were desperately planning to meet in a couple of weeks at a wedding. Despite problems in our marriage, neither of us has strayed, and I’m confident he doesn’t want to lose me nor do I want to lose him.”

    So what strategy would be appropriate in this cat and mouse love drama. “My dilemma is whether to tell him that I know what’s going on prior to his trip, or confront him when he returns with pictures taken by a private investigator. It is so sad and I just can’t let this betrayal continue.”

    Folake has been single for five years. The pretty woman recently reconnected with a man she lost contact with 13 years ago. “It was like a dream come true. We went out a few times and it was wonderful and like every other lady who had been starved of emotions for so long began to fall helplessly in love with the dude. Somehow, the curious part of life got stronger and something advised me to verify everything to be double sure. “

    She cross-checked every information he gave her about himself painstakingly, hoping to get lots of affirmations in his direction. “To my amazement, all the beautiful details that I was holding onto were all lies. What a pity! It would have been suicidal if I had just folded my arms and fallen sheepishly in love with the emotional liar. Tears and more tears with no one to console yours faithfully. The truth was so bitter; I had no choice but to keep it sadly to my chest for a while. Then, gradually, I realised that I had to open up to have some inner peace and satisfaction.”

    Now, it was time to hear from the horse’s mouth. Perhaps he would be sober and be remorseful. “When I confronted him, he was furious and accused me of not trusting him. Now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m heartbroken. I loved him years ago and thought this was for real. At a point, I felt guilty for not trusting him, even though I knew that he hasn’t been honest with me.”

  • Cruising above the clouds

    LOVE and friendship brighten up your day. They are the oil that keeps your emotional wheel going, especially when things are tough. It is better to cultivate an emotional balance from the onset. It helps you to maintain the elasticity of the heart which is imperative as a future investment. All relationships have positive or negative influence. These skills focus on building positive relationships through managing reactions in all circumstances.

    Interestingly, a lot of people take our emotions for granted, especially in our youth. Why not! Naturally, this is a time when emotional concerns are few and it is a time we just want to play to the emotional gallery not minding whose ox is gored in the process. Hearts, hearts and more hearts are broken, leaving tales of sorrow, tears and blood.

    After all, other people have broken hearts before and so why should your own case be different? Another school of thought argues that hearts get stronger when they have been broken, crushed and shattered. So it must be a part of the emotional process.

    After criss-crossing the emotional landscape in tears, it looked like there was an emotional light in the tunnel. It was at this point that she met Kunmbi at a shopping mall when she went to pick her laundry. He looked calm and nice and almost like an emotional saint. But the phrase, ‘Men cannot be trusted’ registered vividly in the background.

    Four months along the emotional corridors, and the smart Alec succeeded in pulling her off balance and putting her heart in a state of turmoil. It was indeed a time to sing a new song: “Should I say yes, or should I say no?”

    Finally, the weaker part of the heart caved in and she decided to take the plunge; after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained. A few dates rolled pleasantly by and it looked like it was going to be the happy-ending type which you often read about in story books. They also recorded a couple of romantic outings in some popular restaurants and it looked like her emotional dreams were falling perfectly into place.

    But deep down, her instincts kept on warning her not to get too excited. She could smell deception but just could not lay her finger on what it was. Was it a problem she could fix? Time certainly would tell. First, the most important thing was to make the best of this emotional opportunity. At the moment, she was lost on the emotional Island and in her heart was that inescapable tingling every time Kunmbi was around her.

    He literarily swept her off her feet, and, one by one, she told her friends about the emotional star who had stolen her heart. They were also very eager to meet this knight in shining armour and a small get-together was organised for everyone to meet our dear Kunmbi. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a disaster. Reason: “He came late and there was a lot of suspense in the air. Then when he finally came to the venue the mood changed, they all knew him. The man I was going to show off to them had been a serial cheater. He had left bitter emotional tales different from the side he had been showing to me.”

    Empty allegations, or could they be the usual mistakes that men make? Well, Kunmbi just refused to give any explanation. He took off and since that encounter did not think he owed his ‘Juliet” any explanation. It was obvious that he just wanted to take her for an emotional ride and did not imagine that he would run into friends who had some nasty experience exposing the side he had covered up for too long.

    Well, that certainly is one of those things. The ball certainly is in her court and she needs to make her up mind whether she wants to pull out or pretend that nothing has really happened. Every decision comes with consequences because the affectionate road is filled with bumps and it could just be a nasty road all the way through.

    It is indeed a case of different strokes for different folks. Most times, what you need to forge ahead in the emotional arena is inspiration. This skill focuses on using other people’s experience in previous and current relationships to connect with your buddy. You acquire this by listening to the person you treasure as well as making the other person feel important.

    One other important skill for relationship management is developing others. Developing your partner occurs when you focus on acknowledging his or her accomplishments and strong points, then offering feedback to them. This skill is important because it helps the growth of relationships and businesses. Like employees who feel valuable and appreciated, the love of your life is likely to do so much once the person knows that you appreciate the effort that is being put into the love process. Conversely, things are likely to work negatively when all you do is to shout at the person you claim you adore and desperately look out for shortcomings and mistakes that are imagined.

    Relationship management skills include the ability to manage conflict in a constructive way. It also means that you are willing to accept different perspectives, as well as demonstrate self-control and respect for everyone.

  • You can’t give what you do not have

    What do you desire in the relationship that you are dying for? If your desire is to give as much as you hope to get, then you must be truly involved. Conversely, if all you do is to associate love with pain, then no matter how hard you try, safety will trump any potential for a real romance. Reason: Your unconscious deems love as dangerous territory. So whether you look it or not, the unconscious mind would always move you from pain to pleasure.

    These protective mechanisms of the ego are not bad. Having a strong ego served you when you were younger and was important for your survival and strong state of mind. Now that you are older, understanding the ego’s defences can help you bring them to light so you can transcend the ego and move toward a higher desire based on love instead of fear.

    For many, love is for dreamers. It is as elusive as the day and each time they think that you have finally found what you want, it turns out to be just a dream. So what is the point falling in love? you ask. Who needs a heart when it can be broken to pieces like the chinaware? How do you continue to fool around with something or someone that you are uncertain about?

    Perhaps the best attitude would have been to cast away this spell called ‘love’ and have it quarantined for sanity to reign. But the truth of the matter is that love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. Like a shadow, it trails you about and the more you want to flee from all its trappings, you just realise that you just cannot help yourself.

    For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. However, the crux of the matter is that the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not automatic. Even when you work so hard at it and expect it to be a happy ending like you read about in story books, things still do not fall in place.

    Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship at one point or the other. It sinks the heart and you just wonder if love was not meant to be that way. Like a business that you laboured for, worked consciously to master the skills necessary to make it flourish, things may go still go down the emotional drain.

    Of course, it is only the outstanding pair that doesn’t run into a few bumps on the road. You are therefore better off, when you recognise ahead of time, what those relationship problems might be. Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going no matter the odds. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life.

    The truth of the matter is that you cannot give what you do not have. This is why relationships that are unplanned most often fail. Even though every relationship has its peculiar strengths and weaknesses, it is better to plan and invest in your emotional future. The next question would be how to make core love investments. Are you sure that your investments would be appreciated as well as reap emotional dividends at the right time?

    Here, we must think of the type of emotional investment that we need to make, responsible investment as well as the costly mistakes that emotional investors make before forging ahead. Next, you need to define and understand the kind of investments you need to make as well as how to go about doing it in the right way.

    The love arena comes with a lot of complications and what you think is important may not necessarily be cool for the other party. In economics, investment is the accumulation of newly produced physical entities, such as factories, machinery, houses, and goods inventories.

    Investing in your emotions as well as in the emotions of the one you love is not a short-time strategy. It is about making a success about the relationship in the long run, and you must have the goal of wanting it to work out. It is only when you are sincere with the heart that you treasure, that you would be ready to make core love investment.

    To have your emotions given, or “invested,” towards someone or something sounds like a great idea but it requires a lot of hard work, dedication as well as perseverance. It requires focusing your emotions on to something or someone that you care a lot about.

    No matter how hard we try we are still likely to run into emotional and economic depression. They are phases that we pass through in our finances and our emotions. The phase should not be a hindrance, setback or stumbling block. The most important thing is to understand the tools to make use of as you pass through the phase. On the other hand, the assets and investments that you have stored up over time would definitely help you to pass through the rainy day without tears.

    Experts would readily tell you that it is only the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few potholes as the journey through and from the emotional in the road. Some even run into emotional gutters, somersault on the emotional flyovers many times and still survive because they have saved lots of emotions which they use to replenish each time they are in emotional distress.

  • Exploring a great connection

    “It is so good, loving somebody and somebody loving you back.” The sweet echoes from the lyrics of Teddy Pendergrass’ great old song admonishes that love is better when the emotional scale is balanced. This week, you could feel the love thing in the atmosphere and love, the architect of people’s emotional fortune (or misfortune), has been set loose.

    Yet, you find that there are number of people who still can’t drink from the river of love. They actually get to an emotional stream and identify someone they think matches their dreams. But beyond these connections, their dreams just refuse to fly and it almost impossible to take what would have been an amazing connection to the next level.

    Perhaps they aren’t passionate about what they want? Not really! Sometimes they may even have the passion running all over their veins and still not get connected emotionally. To get the right connections usually require getting the right heart, a heart that is also willing to explore the possibilities that they share in common. Once this is established, then it would be easy to cruise on love’s control towers and not crash midway.

    For Shade, love has not really been fair. As you take a peep into the emotional encounters the pretty lady has been subjected to, you cannot help but cry a little. It has been tales of hit-and-run lovers, emotional fraudsters and a collection of pretenders to her emotional throne. Her heart has, indeed, seen better days, but, somehow, she still needs to pick the emotional pieces, hoping to find real love again.

    It got so bad and now her memory is fading. Now, what’s going to happen now that she has discovered an amazing, single, attractive man; someone who wants to get close to her? But, somehow, she is still not so sure of what to expect. The question on her mind is whether this new man is going to see her as the woman to love and cherish or someone that should be used and dumped.

    For anyone in Shade’s shoes, it is important to look back on your love life to avoid the shortcomings you had in the past. You need to be sure that you do not have a hand in creating some of the heartbreak you’ve experienced. Once this has been established, then you can romantically move on to the next phase of your love life.

    The emotional current started fading out some months back and she knew at that point that they had actually come to the end of the road. “I just noticed that he had changed towards me and everything I said or did make him angry. Even when I kept quiet, he would make up a story and would read meanings to any response I offered. He didn’t use to behave this way and I knew that somebody somewhere had stolen his heart. I just had to let go because it became traumatic trying to win a heart that had changed from love to deep hatred.”

    A quick diagnosis of this emotional ailment, and you find that they were not operating on the same love frequency and channel. The girl tuned off thinking she had captured her Mr. Right when he needed her most. Not satisfied with the miserly emotions doled out, he looked elsewhere and found exactly what he had been looking for. By the time the gal realised that another bird had filled the vacuum, it was already too late.

    Like Shade, Kenneth has come to the realisation that love, like life, isn’t constant. Sometimes, you win some and there are times when there is really nothing you can do about it. When you get to an emotional crossroads, then you just have to be brave and move on. It may actually be an opportunity to find someone who is more precious than the heart you are crying all over the place for.

    While it is possible to win a particular heart for a lifetime, some hearts are quite restless, energetic and very adventurous. Just when you think you have found what you are looking for or dreaming about, it zooms off like a butterfly looking for another beautiful flower to perch on.

    So, it is therefore common to find lovers lost on the emotional island. Unfortunately, you cannot fly alone. What about a by-hook-or-crook way out of the emotional woods? Oh no! It is impossible to move at your pace; on the love path you can only fly with someone who is willing to fly. If the one you love has other ‘interests’, then you may just let this lovebird be.

    The scenario can also be compared to walking on a broken bridge; here crossing over to the other side can be a real torment if you are lucky. But if you are not, then you can be sure that one of the lovebirds or both of them would fall off.

  • Sorting out a serial cheater

    WHAT do you do with love that has gone sour? Usually, it is better to throw it into the trash can before it runs the tummy. That is exactly the way Teju is feeling at the moment. She had just survived an emotional hurricane and just could not fathom where and how she was going to move on.

    Until recently, it looked like what she wanted and hoped for. But along the line, she came to the realisation that the relationship which lasted for two years and four months was filled with ’emotional errors’. The guy she wanted to donate her heart to was a serial cheater.

    Sadly, Teju just had to move on, hoping to find a better heart, one that would not contaminate whatever was left. On her heart, she felt it may just be too hard to start over on a clean slate. The other option, therefore, was to avoid any emotional entanglements for now.

    The emotional pressure she was going through started to affect her work and so she thought of different ways to recover herself.

    A few weeks after, she just could not take her mind off and there was also tension at work. Teju decided to take a break from work and the restaurant in the neighbourhood looked like a great arrangement. A few minutes’ walk down the road and she was in the right place, relaxed in the serene environment, feeling different. The meal was also great and she waited a little just to get refreshed before going back to work.

    Two jolly good fellows walked in looking as famished as she was and they also had lunch. Once the stomach was sorted out, they talked about some of their recent conquests and escapades. Midway into the conversations, they remembered a third friend, Lanre, and the exploits he made when he was part of this team of emotional ‘musketeers’.

    Unfortunately for them, Lanre recently found love and amended his ways. “I just don’t know what is wrong with that guy. How can he lose all his head for one woman? I thought he was stronger than this but he has really disappointed me. Sometimes, when I remember his matter I get really upset. That is why I have stopped thinking about him,” Adamu lamented.

    The bone of contention is the fact that their good friend has ‘repented’. Old things and ’emotions’ have simply passed away. “One other thing that he does is that he actually keeps all the money he makes into a joint account with this woman. To make matters worse is the fact that the alert actually goes to the woman’s phone number. He just cannot do anything without her. Is that really what they call love? Humh….. I am sure that something fishy is going on.”

    The question here is: what is wrong with being faithful a hundred per cent? Our friends, however, feel differently and believe that it is better to have a plan B in every arrangement. “That is not how to be faithful at all. I think he is just being a mugun and I am very sorry for him. I just hope that it won’t be too late before he realises what’s going on.”

    Humorously, Mr. B goes on to talk about a similar experience and how a smarter Alec survived the emotional struggle. “Muyiwa had always been smart from our schooldays. Then about three years ago, he met this lady and he became very cool and calm. The first time I met the lady in question, I just did not like her at all. She was very rude and domineering and I told him that he was not likely to go far with that kind of lady.”

    He continued: “For the first time, Muyiwa was visibly angry with me and he told me not to interfere with the relationship because he was in charge. So I left him with this emotional cross and thought this was another lost case. We met at a friend’s party about six months after and we reconciled. It was there that he made me realise that he was not as foolish as I thought. ‘We have a joint account and we use this account to service whatever we need to run the home. I pretend to put all my resources in the account but I have a secret account where all the extras that I make is kept. The strategy, however, is to look and feel helpless financially, so that I can continually draw from the joint account .This way I have a robust savings account that she doesn’t know exist.’”

    Can you beat that? Well, a lot of women actually get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship, and most times it has to do with a fear of the unknown.

    Lots of women who are afraid of being alone also end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it”.

    So you need to identify what you want and if it isn’t there, then there is no point hanging on. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with a behaviour you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

  • Winning a heart in distress

    When you are in a relationship that you cherish, the most important thing on your mind is for it to endure for so long. As soon as you see any sign that the emotional flight is nose diving and the one you love wants the love boat to capsize, you need to do something fast. For many, when there is a strain, they try to be sweeter and more affectionate, hoping that the other person would reciprocate their emotional gestures.

    Some actually spent countless hours trying to talk about what they were both feeling and “work” on things. But that only pushed those they adore further away. No matter how much reasoning or understanding you did, when it came to the lovebirds, they just won’t understand how you feel.

    The crux of the matter is that if you’ve been close to someone for a while and had started sharing an amazing level of love and connection, then it may not really be a serious threat.

    On his or her part, there must be something they do not like about you or are confused about. So it is only logical to give such a person time and understand what they are passing through. If you are patient, you are likely to discover that deep down the person still has some space in the heart that still wants to connect with you and share what you used to share.

    This is the kind of scenario that thirty-two-year-old Akindele and his fiancée, Adebimpe, were ensconced in. They are back together but it was a very difficult courtship. Interestingly, things actually fell apart just before they tied the knot. Adebimpe was the precious bride that he had always adored. She had the right looks, a good family background and a fantastic job. But there was a snag.

    “She was a very arrogant and difficult person to deal with. She was always so aggressive each time we discussed something she did not like. Usually, I expect her to shift from her stand but over time I came to realise that the one that I had fallen helplessly in love with is very rigid. I ran to her best friend thinking that she could help talk to her but she also confirmed that her friend sticks passionately to her views and that I needed to take things easy with her.”

    Akindele has fallen in love and he just cannot shift his affections elsewhere. Certainly, this is a hard emotional nut to crack. Many in his shoes would have taken a walk away from a slippery emotional corridor without stress. So what is really wrong with this babe? you wonder. The Romeo went into the archives to do some research and in the process, he found out that her heart had been in the panel beater’s workshop a couple of times and she was not ready to go through another emotional bullshit.

    “When I realised that she had been hardened by the relationships that she had in the past, I thought that if I did my best, then I would be able to win her over gradually.”

    So, he put on his thinking and emotional caps and tried to ‘recycle’ this emotional waste. Transforming or winning a heart in distress is not a very easy assignment, but he was determined to get a positive result.

    “At a point, she changed and things began to fall into place. I was really happy because it was like a dream come true and I decided to propose to her three weeks after my conviction. I also told my friend about my decision and he was very happy for me.”

    Could this be a dream come true? Not exactly! “We met in a restaurant on my birthday and it was meant to be a memorable experience. It started on a bright note and everything went well until I proposed. As soon as I told her my intention, her mood changed and I tried to calm her down and we departed.”

    Perhaps, what she needed was time to gain composure, and so he took it as one of those things. “I called her a few hours later but she refused to pick my call. I tried again and again but she got very cold. Things changed once more and it was obvious that we were back to square one.”

    So what did he do? “I was so confused that I just did not do anything. To my surprise, she became very angry with me and I just couldn’t understand why she was doing all that to me. Initially, I ignored the actions, thinking that she would soon realise her mistakes, but to my utmost surprise she was the one who was always getting angry with my actions or inactions.

    “Now, I am at a crossroads. Should I make a u-turn or persevere to see if there is going to be light at the end of our emotional tunnel?”

  • It must have been distraction galore

    Bed of emotional roses? No, forget it! Perhaps, that is where dreamers want to be at all times. However, the crux of the matter is that love, like life obviously has its high and low points. There is indeed a season to love, seasons to cry and of course a season when you may just have to let go, if the other party redefines what love means to them.

    Unfortunately, a lot of people prefer to dwell on the positives more. As soon as the emotional pendulum shifts in the other direction, then things begin to crumble and fall part. Naturally, every woman dream is to find her way into emotional paradise, a place where the man has been ‘captured’ crook whether physically or emotionally.

    So the dream begins and the only desire here is to have him till death does ‘them’ apart. However this usually appears to be the most difficult part of the emotional bargain. Reason: “ Men can be really slippery when it comes to matters of the heart, just when they think they have found what they are looking for in a woman, another distraction comes and somehow they find it difficult to look in the other direction.

    Insecurity, doubt , uncertainty fear and ultimately panic are things that goes on in the minds of women whose love are going through one form of distraction or the other.

    It’s the feeling of suddenly not being sure where you stand with your man. You’re not sure what he’s thinking about and what’s bothering him. Soon, you may even begin to worry that you can’t count on him to “come back” and be completely there for you.

    Add it all up, and it’s easy to see why, when your man pulls away, closes off, and stops communicating with you.

    Sometimes, it may be the tonic required to turn the whole situation around and make your relationship come out even stronger, more secure, and more connected on the other side. One case that comes to mind at the moment is French President, Francois Hollande.

    Ms Valerie Trierweiler was the one who occupied the uppermost part of Hollande’s heart until this discovery was made in the Closer magazine recently. This emotional bomb shattered her heart and she has since been hospitalized.

    The damning photographs allegedly also showed the two-timing president going to comical lengths to keep his romantic liaisons with Miss Gayet a secret.

    Mr. Hollande was pictured disguised beneath a helmet and a dark coat arriving on a three-wheeled moped driven by his bodyguard.

    He spent the night there on several occasions. One morning, his publicly-funded bodyguard returned carrying breakfast croissants.

    Mr. Hollande has threatened legal action against Closer for breaching his privacy but has not denied the affair.

    On his part Hollande has been urged by his fellow country men and women to clarify the situation in his complicated love life. To be or not to be? That is the emotional question being asked here. Well, the President who interestingly is in hot demand here must bell the cat. He must be courageous enough to tell the world that the beautiful actress, Julie Gayet has stolen his heart.

    For the man on the emotional cross, it is a private affair. The other argument however is that the private side of a public man or woman cannot be swept under the carpet. The pertinent thing here is that the President has an obligation to ‘clarify’ his relationship with his girlfriend of seven years because of his on-going love affair with the actress so that the public knows where he stands.

    It is an emotional war between Ms Trierweiler, 48 and Julie Gayet, 41. At the end of the emotional imbroglio, the winner certainly takes it all.

    Interestingly, Trierweiler became Mr. Hollande’s live-in girlfriend following his separation from fellow Socialist politician Segolene Royal, the mother of his four children. Mr. Hollande was said to have taken her as mistress while still living with Miss Royal.

    The French magazine Closer which spilled the emotional beans carried comical pictures of him sneaking in to his Paris love nest wearing a helmet after arriving by scooter.

    Hollande, 59, is said to have made a full confession to Valerie the night before full details were published in France’s Closer magazine.

    The couple is not married but has been together for six years, making her the de facto first lady when the Socialist leader became President in 2012.

    ‘He denied nothing. Neither the escapades on the scooter with the security officer in the middle of the night, nor the frequency of these clandestine rendezvous, nor the date that this love affair began… several months ago.’

    Hollande and his new found love met at a £2.5million Paris love nest, registered to writer and actor Michel Ferracci. Ferracci, once a close friend and business associate of assassinated Corsican mafia boss Richard Casanova, is a former lover of the French actress Emmanuelle Hauck, who now uses the flat with their children.

    Miss Hauck is a friend of Miss Gayet, and there is a suggestion that is how she came to use the apartment to meet Mr. Hollande.

  • Hustling for emotional space

    THE emotional space is as competitive as any business environment you can imagine. Faced with that reality, it is always better to make sure that the one that you are attracted to get value for the emotions that they would be giving to you. You just have to put yourself constantly in your partner shoes to appreciate what you do or have left undone.

    Conversely, accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want in a relationship will not only make you unhappy, it will also keep you tied to someone who is not right for you. So, really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.

    Adunni and Tolu had courted for about seven months and they got along pretty well. During this period, the two lovebirds discovered some of the things they shared in common and hoped that the relationship was going to lead them to the altar. Just when Adunni thought she had found the man of her dream, the dream was aborted.

    How did things fall apart? you ask. A few weeks before the discovery, Adunni paid Tolu a surprise visit in the office. That was in order; it sometimes gives you direction and you would find out if you are on the right emotional track or not.

    How did the bubble burst? Our dear friend who was still day-dreaming an emotional adventure ran into another competitor who, surprisingly, had won the emotional crown. “I found them together in a very uncompromising way and I began to ask some questions.”

    So, did she get answers to these questions? Not really. “Tolu simply introduced the lady as his fiancée.” No apologies! For a few seconds she felt as if her heart had stopped. This relationship had caused her so much harm in the past and this certainly was the last straw. Gradually, she gained composure, got her car keys, ran out of the office and sat inside the car for a few minutes.

    It was very cold and she was lonely and alone. All kinds of things started riveting in her mind. Cars were revving as everyone was in a hurry to get out of the car park and then she finally found her way out of the mess (physical and emotional).

    Like Adunni, Nnamdi is in a deep emotional mess. He was supposed to meet his fiancée, Matilda, in the restaurant at 5 pm. The traffic was really bad and somehow he was a little late. He finally found his way into the restaurant panting and almost breathless. A few seconds after, he felt better and looked for her in their usual corner.

    To his surprise, she wasn’t around. That was quite unlike her and he decided to call her on phone. The line was dead and so he decided to wait for his sweetheart.

    With his laptop opened in front of him, he happily slipped into a happy reverie of all their moments. The things they had shared. The words she had said; he had turned out to be quite the poet.

    In that few minutes, he tried to work on some of the pending mails in his inbox. Here, he found a note from his beloved, Matilda. “I can’t make it as promised. I am a bit confused about this relationship. Please, I need some time to think about it all. Sorry for whatever inconveniences this might cause you.”

    At this point, he knew that something new must have happened; after all they spoke about an hour ago. So where do we go from here? Should he really give her another chance or start thinking of a plan B?

    It is important to know how to interpret your partner’s mood from time to time. Usually, when a man or woman acts withdrawn, that is a signal that the person is undergoing an emotional process and needs time to recharge.

    Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.

    Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears, she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.

    The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.

    When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that it can be very devastating to handle. So the next question is how you survive during the hurting period. The crux of the matter is that it can be really tough but you just have to be determined to move on and create a better emotional space for the future.

  • Force of attraction too strong to repel

    DUPE and Sesan were both as different as chalk and cheese. She had grown up in an orthodox, aristocratic family, proud of her tradition and lineage. Sesan on the other hand grew up in a laid-back Christian household. Her mother and father were her source of pride and she saw almost everything from their perspective. These two lovebirds met in their university during their post graduate studies in the Arts department and it was started first as friendship and then Cupid’s arrow brought them to the affectionate corridor.

    Scroll back down memory lane and you discover how hate melted into love. When Dupe first ran into this handsome dude at the fresher’s party, she didn’t even like his attitude. He was in the company of her school mate who introduced him briefly as her cousin. For the first ten minutes, they argued over every topic and she vowed never to have anything to do with this guy again. She thought he was too cavalier and he thought she was not in touch with reality.

    Interestingly, fate had other plans for them. Alphabetically destined together, Dupe and Sesan ended up sitting next to each other in class the following week. How was she going to handle this guy? Should she move away and find a better space? Well, something told her not to worry and just be herself. He was in a better mood or could it be that he had repented?

    Two weeks after that encounter, he also began to view her differently and they got closer and closer. She had never been so happy in her life. Everything about him was strange, different and exciting, waiting to be explored. He was so mysterious and, yet, so loving and she couldn’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him.

    Dupe and Sesan were as unlike as it could get. They were undeniably different. Their backgrounds, their upbringing, their culture, and their outlook towards life were all different. But though poles apart, it seemed like the magnetic laws were soon to start applying to them. The force of attraction was too strong to repel. They were soon quite inseparable. Most times, you do not really know who a person is until you give them a chance. At such moments, the adventurous side plays itself out and you can be sure to drink from the stream of love if you play your cards well.

    Of course, we all know that there are times when you put in so much and all you get is rejection. At such moments, all you need is to get a substitute and make yourself happy. Rejection doesn’t feel great and sometimes it feels unfathomable but it shouldn’t be something you allow to take away happiness from your life. The suffering that happens when rejection occurs comes from over-thinking the “loss” that you feel you are suffering.

    The reality of life is that rejection will form a part of itthere will be occasions when your date request will be rejected by someone, somewhere. It is a healthy attitude to accept that rejection is a part of life and to acknowledge that what really matters is finding the way to bounce back and try again. The truth of the matter is that, it is normal to feel bad, so don’t try to bottle up your disappointment and sadness.

    It is, however, better not to allow yourself to feel this way for too long. If you do not move away from being a sinking heart, then you may risk colouring your future emotional endeavours with a negative impression.

    You may also seek the help of a counsellor when you cannot handle it alone. Experts believe that you can open the window (s) of emotional possibilities with a loving and caring attitude towards your partner. In addition to all these, you also need to be thoughtful about the things that would captivate the one you adore as well as make him or her shed tears of affection and joy.

    You can put in extra effort and do everything that you have always imagined about your dream partner to the one that you finally find yourself entangled with for life. All you need to do an ’emotional transfusion’. This is a situation where you do everything on your affectionate list to the other person without holding anything back.

    Just give and give as much as you can and somehow you would discover that you are going to derive joy doing this too. By making someone happy you are investing happiness for yourself too and before you know it, it would be time to reap this emotional seeds in thousands. It is important to do this as often as you can and you can be sure of a great transformation in your relationship.

    If the challenge that you were experiencing was from your partner, then you are going to find that your partner will now become more caring, loving and thoughtful towards you. Here you would find that the energy of your unselfish acts resonates in the loving space of your partner.