By Rois Ola

Money can destroy families and friendships. It causes rivalry and even destroys relationships. Couples can have a lot going for them, but when it comes to money, problem arises. Maybe one person chooses not to open up to the other person their true financial status or is hiding debts or embarrassing habits related to finance from their partner.

Some go as far as ensuring there is no financial trace to all their dealings, like deleting alerts, both sms and email, avoiding any financial discussions, spending more than the other person or spending less to deceive the other that they don’t have. Even as far as having heavy investment or property without disclosure. There are many reasons for this. But it’s something that cannot stay hidden forever unfortunately. We have cases where people stayed in rented apartments not knowing the house actually belongs to their spouse. Or business men having huge balances and not letting their spouses know. Secret now comes out upon the death of the wealthy one.

Ideally, financial status should not matter when relationships are involved because what we are trying to preach here is financially transparency. A lot of people have bad experiences which have made them to stop. You may be madly in love with someone, but please have it in mind that when you get serious, you’re joining your financial statuses together, no matter how good or bad the status is. So you need to love with your eyes open and medulla oblongata intact.

So my question is why are you arguing with your spouse about money?  You are definitely not alone. When you put together partners and money side by side, you will surely have days where how money is spent becomes an issue will let loose, arguments on how much to spend to buy food for the house and someone is requesting for a pair of shoes or Gucci hand bag or human hair costing the same with a plot of land.  Do you know money is one of the major issues people in relationships fight about? It sometimes can lead to a serious breach in communication and if not handled well, end up in divorce.

Trying to merge your life and that of your spouse, especially in relation to money is not easy. It is a continuous work in progress as each individual has their own perspective. Here are a few mistakes couples make when it comes to their money and relationships and possible ways to avoid or handle them. The truth is talking about money with your partner is the key to handling the issues before they even come. Before settling down with anyone ask the necessary questions.

Cheating your partner and spending on the side man or side chick

Any type of affair, same sex or otherwise, can destroy a relationship. And when the wayward partner has been running up bills, no matter how small, it is with some side chick or side cock, side goat or whatever they are called these days, this will only worsen the issue.

If you decide after all the turbulence to stick to each other, that is if you are both patient and strong enough. You will need to get counselling or have a serious heart to heart talk with each other. This is not easy at all, but it can work, if you are committed. Nobody plans to cheat, sometimes it crawls up on you and overtakes you, which is why even in relationships one needs to be emotionally intelligent so you don’t get sucked into what will hurt your spouse, guard your heart and thoughts jealously.

From a financial aspect, the erring partner going forward needs to be transparent the person who betrayed their partner would have to be willing to make all financial transactions transparent, what this implies is that you will have to willingly inform you partner on all financial transactions and discuss on what you spend, thereby making you financially and emotionally accountable.

Hiding your debts

This, I am so sure, will not be news to you, while you may not be doing this, you will at least know one or two people doing this. Why? Because it is a common situation amongst friends, family and people in relationships.  Hiding debt is not just keeping mum about the money, it also shows that there are fundamental issues of trust amongst couples who experience this.

It may be difficult to discuss this particular one, but you have to start it anyway. So the first step is to not judge, shout or make the person feel worse. Let your statements always have “we” so that they know you are interested in helping them sort it out, as long as she or she is not a chronic debtor, in that case immediate counsel is needed.

Giving money to either family member

This is another issue with trust. Sometimes family members come up with business ideas and ask you to get involved. Sometimes they come asking for money all the time and you keep giving, even at the detriment of your own needs and those of your spouse or immediate family needs. A toxic relationship can erupt here, as one spouse will be forced to take sides or quarrel with family because of money not being paid back. At the end of the day, it boils down to who you perceive to be right or wrong.

It is still possible to fix trust between two people, though a difficult thing to accomplish, as one may need to create boundaries. You will have to accompany your spouse as a team with one voice and tell them (family) how you feel and what they need to do to rectify the situation. This will clear the air and let family know that you have a unified front and destroy any doubts anyone has been experiencing or feeling. Also any misconception on repayment needs to be cleared and put in the open.  You may not recover the loan, but at least will have been put in proper perspective and ensure it doesn’t happen again. I wish you all the best.

By Rois Ola

A very happy Sallah to our Muslim brethren and to you my esteemed readers! How was yesterday? I do hope we did not overdo it. To my fellow ladies, do not forget that we need to remain in shape so let’s ensure that we don’t overdo anything, drinks, food and so on.

As women, we need to decide which side of the fence we want to be on. The old  story of Tiger Woods , the golf player, really got me thinking of how chains of women were bold enough to come out and say ”Oh, he made love to me on the floor, in the bathroom, in his garage, in the hotel room, in the lift lobby.  Give me a break! Truth is that such can only happen in that part of the world. How many of us here as married men’s mistresses (kept women) can be bold enough to come out and say a Tiger Wood had sex with me on the floor!

The Tiger-Woods of Nigeria can sleep with us anywhere and everywhere, yet not even the walls dare to talk about it.

Today’s piece is about which of the ladies shoes would you rather be . Do you prefer to be the wife or the mistress? The one he loves to have sex with, anytime and anywhere? In other words, his sex slave? Or do you desire to be his companion, the mother of his children, his confidant, the person he is seen with on every occasion? At the risk of sounding judgemental, I still think it is better to be his woman rather than to be his kept woman.

Most men are scared stiff of commitment, some will rather court you till they are fed up. As women, there are ways to making men change their minds about their original intentions towards us. I am aware that when a man sights an attractive lady, sex quickly comes to mind. How will she be in bed? It is now up to us, if we are content with just having them sleep with us or show that there is more to us that just sex. Women are blessed with the gifts and know-how of getting men to take them to ‘next level’ if you like.

I recall years back when my late mum’s first cousin came to pay her a courtesy visit with a lady on his arms. When he left the lady at our sitting room and joined my mum in the kitchen, my mum could not wait to ask him if the lady was ‘our’ wife to be?  He laughed and said: ”Aunty, so if I bring this type as a wife to be, would you believe me? She’s not my type. She’s just my part-time lover”. Dearest readers, today they are married with kids to match! Do you call it fate, may be or may be not, or you think it was destiny, you may also be right. But practically speaking, the lady knew in her heart he was going to be her husband and it happened.

Read my lips; a man will treat you the way you allow him to. Research has shown this in 95 out of 100 cases.

When he treats you like his ”spare” girlfriend, it is because you have allowed it.

I recall an aunt of mine who is now in Canada once dated a guy that would make love to her countless times but refused to be seen with her in public. Till date, his reasons are not known. Luckily, my aunt is happily married to a journalist who simply adores her.

She allowed her ex to maltreat her for so long. She became his beck and call girl until fate brought her in contact with a man that practically worships the ground that she walks on.

You will agree that at the wooing stage, the man starts out being very enthusiastic about you. So, when he stops or drops the degree of enthusiasm, what do you think happened?

Chances are that you were ahead of him in the emotions, department, and you showed him more than you should. Fine, you love him, but please don’t choke him to ask him how serious he is with you. Girl, actions and more actions speak volumes. Men do generally love to do the chasing, it actually thrills them. Please do allow him lead the trek of the heart.  Do not continue to allow him treat you like a ”spare” girlfriend, someone he sees when he is in the mood, biding his time until another woman rekindles that enthusiasm he had with you in the early part of the relationship.

Do not allow yourself to be the girl he calls up at last minutes; it means you are nothing but an afterthought. Sometimes you need to show him with your actions what you will and won’t put up with. And show him without adding anger that you are not his beck and call girl.

Romantic love has different dynamics than ‘’unconditional love.”

When in a romantic relationship with a guy, don’t scold him for not being around, get a life for yourself. Show him that you don’t wait by the phone, do not be too clingy, trust me, it scares men away when you are doing the chase, so avoid it when necessary.

Don’t scold him for not being around. Ensure you are busy having your own full life.

Do give him room to pursue you, but avoid the expectations’ talk. If he stops pursing you, then don’t ask him if he’s no longer interested. You assume that he is not. And you keep your life going the whole time. You haven’t heard the last of him if you act that way, he will come back for you.

Do not commit to a man in the hope that he will then be inspired to commit to you. That will make him think that other guys have rejected you for some reason and that he is your last hope. Most men enjoy doing the chase. Please, don’t take that away from them. They need the process. A man wants a woman who is anything but desperate or ‘glued’ on him before he has earned it.

If you already find yourself in this category, not to worry, it can still be remedied. If you realise he is not the man for you, then may be he is not man enough for you.

It is important for us to device means of winning and keeping our men.

A wise woman once said that “all women are prostitutes, the only difference is that the married ones have only one customer.

Stay safe

Shallom.

Rois Ola

 

A lot of times we all believe saying good bye is a true end to everything of bad relationships but Goodbye is not always the answer and this is the case for both old and new relationships. No matter the level of mistakes you are currently facing in your relationship, it’s always worth it to try again as long as you know that both of you are willing to still make it work, emphasis on BOTH, because one person cannot achieve it alone. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a very important aspect in relationships .It helps to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically.

For a fact there are some things that cannot easily be forgiven, they can be forgiven but not as quickly as some other things, not only because of the hurt that they have caused but also because of how it already tainted your trust in your partner and in your relationship. If you are stuck in this cycle of constantly failing to forgive no matter how much your partner has changed, this article will help you understand in clearer times the reason(S) why you need to forgive.

One of the most important things I have experienced and learnt is that, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you strong and sane. Some transgressions are so harmful and disastrous that a relationship may not be able to survive, but forgiveness can still play a role to healing and making things better, but of course time heals all wounds.

The Importance to your health 

Holding onto hurts, disappointments, annoyances,  even betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you  will discover in no time that you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing your hurt (whether real or perceived) for too long can eventually make it turn into something more hate and extreme bitterness. And living a bitter life with who you supposedly love or care for only causes more damage than good.

Not being able to forgive can also wear you down. It takes both a physical and mental toll on you causing depression and sometimes suicide. Resentment gains momentum and chips away at the foundation of your well-being and your relationship. The magic is in being able to share your feelings.

The importance of forgiving your partner

Betrayal of trust is a hard pill to swallow. I have been there and still doing what I can to heal, there are a number of ways one can use to find a place of forgiveness when you have experienced betrayal. Look at each method and find the combination that works best for you.

• Be open to give and receive forgiveness.
• Make an intentional decision to forgive your partner.
• Think of a constructive and positive thing to do to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts, when images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind,
• Refrain from throwing an error or mistake back in your spouse’s face at a later date, yes I know this is difficult, but try; don’t use it as ammunition in an argument, it takes practice but try not to.
• Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression, behavior, or mistake, confession may be very difficult to give or listen to, so accept you may never get the full story and move on.
• Try not to seek revenge or retribution; trying to get even will only extend the pain and chances are good that this won’t really make you feel better anyway.
• Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior.
• Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your partner takes time. Don’t try to hurry the process.

Get professional counseling to help you let go and forgive if you are still unable to forgive, or you find yourself thinking on the betrayal or hurt regularly, it won’t be easy but better to make an attempt than nothing at all.

1. Put a stop to remembering the pain and hurt.

If you want the wound of a mistake to fully heal, you should stop touching it – because what comes after healing is forgiveness, especially if it was done by someone you truly love. Stop thinking about what happened in the past and how it made you feel – as long as the lessons have been learned, you should do your best to stop reliving the pain and hurt. Move on and everything will follow.

2. Try Give your partner a second chance, if they want it and are willing to work for it.

People make mistakes and you, yourself, had your own share of regrets in the past. If you did something hurtful to someone you love like your partner, wouldn’t you want to be given a second chance? Just like how you think you deserve that chance, you should also give the same thought about your partner.

As long as you know that they know what they did, how it affected your relationship, and the things that they should do to avoid repeating the same mistakes, then they deserve that second chance.

3. Appreciate the changes they’ve made or trying to make.

It can be hard for someone to change but do you wonder why they still try? Because they know that it’s the only way for them not to lose you – they want to stay and they’ll do everything for your relationship to be what it once was before, or better.

4. Try to Make an effort to reach out.

Perhaps your partner doesn’t feel like talking about the mistakes that they have done in the past that they tend to be quiet about how they truly feel. Their need to be forgiven sometimes makes them scared that they might say the wrong words again, and it might make things worse. What you can do is to assure them that your relationship is their safe place – they should not stop being who they are or stop expressing their thoughts just because they’re afraid to offend their partner again.

5. Tell yourself why you fell in love.

If all else fails, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your relationship is to remember why you are in this relationship in the first place. How did you fall in love? What are the things that you like about this person? What are the happiest memories you have together? Are those qualities still there?

6. Pray for help and healing from God

Let your faith and spiritual strength show you the way to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, when you are hurting and in pain, you lose the courage to forgive someone who had caused you pain. What you can do is to pray for enlightenment and guidance, for wisdom and for healing, so that you will be able to have the strength to give your love another chance.

7. Together, start over with a new love story if they are willing to.

Let your road to forgiveness open a bigger door to a new stage in your relationship. Start over, start anew – and do this together. In order to build forgiveness in your relationship, you have to make an effort to take the first step. The road may look narrow and daunting, but never let this fear weaken your faith in the promise that you have made together.

How to Ask you partner for Forgiveness

If you are the one who has caused hurt and pain for your partner, you can ask for forgiveness in in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember to give yourself and your partner time when working through the process. Time heals wounds if you allow it to.

• Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you’ve caused, let them see that you are sorry for what you have done.
• Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your partner again by repeating the hurtful behavior, any promise you make, you must fulfill.
• Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt, face them, deal with them directly and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
• Be open to making amends and settling for peace.
• Make a heartfelt and verbal apology; this includes a plan of action to make things right, sometimes words may not be enough.
• Be patient with your partner. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don’t dismiss your spouse’s feelings of betrayal by telling them to “get over it.” That will only make things worse.

Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. No healthy relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. But remember that forgiveness isn’t absolution.

Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul to so many things like your health, state of mind and general wellbeing, existing in an unforgiving state will destroy a lot of things for you. For you to succeed in living a fulfilled life, and enjoying relationships with others, you must learn to forgive. If it’s not working, then I pray God gives you the strength to make the necessary decisions and move. I wish you all the best!!!

By Rois Ola

Being respected by your partner doesn’t just come to you like a free recharge card, you have to earn it and earn I mean work for it. It is everyone’s desire to be respected and not taken for granted by the one they love. Lack of respect kills intimacy; it destroys so many things and can crash all the precious things you have built with your partner.

Respect is a powerful tool in every relationship. It is one of the major things that keep people happy together. Sometimes, people confuse respect and love as the same thing.

In fact, they are two different things. Love and respect are two key ingredients of a healthy relationship. The following tips will help you to gain respect from your partner; In some relationships there is an equal amount of power and respect, and in others, one partner holds most of the power. To make things even more complicated, the power can shift at different points in your relationship. Maybe in the beginning you two never thought of power and respect because it felt equally distributed. But then, as time went on, you noticed things shifting and you felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend somehow had more power. Wait a second, weren’t you the Beyoncé of this couple? Or the Angelina Jolie? Power tussle sometimes can be complicated. Pride too causes power tussles and respect easily can be undermined making the other person feeling used and foolish.

It’s normal for the power dynamic to shift in a relationship. Many things could have made the partnership structure change. But once it has swayed into a new direction (one that you may not love), how do you get on equal footing?

Below are some ways you can gain some respect in your relationship, it may not address all, but it will address some aspects. I hope you gain some things from it to do better in your relationship

1. Learn to speak up

One way to become more powerful is to use your voice. Be clear about your wants and needs. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who else will? Remember, your partner ain’t no Syliva Browne, he or she can’t read your mind. Therefore, you need to use your words and tell him/her what you want and need in your partnership. One very good way to gain your partner’s respect is to speak up. People that are vocal always find it easy to gain respect everywhere. You can also apply this to your relationship. Use your voice. Your partner can’t read your mind. Therefore, you have to speak for yourself. When you are offended, let them know. And it’s very important to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. As this will improve your relationship and help you gain respect from your partner drastically.

2. Learn to be more independent

It should not be mistaken that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you don’t need your partner in any way, it just shows that you are capable of doing things on your own, as a powerful individual. Being able to be self-sufficient while in a relationship is very important. Your partner will admire you for this strength which in turn will favor you.

3. Learn to have boundaries

Having boundaries is important Everyone has their own set of rules and boundaries that they are comfortable with. You will have boundaries in your relationship and it’s vital you keep them. There are some things that will cross the line for you and you need to be able to draw that line firmly.

4. Learn to treat yourself the way you want others too

Instead of following the yellow brick road, how about you follow the golden rule. An easy way of gaining respect is to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect and consideration you have to give it to your partner as well. If you don’t respect yourself, then who else will? It starts with yourself. You have to show how you want to be treated. This will come through with how you treat yourself. How do you talk about yourself? Do you give yourself any power? How do you view yourself? Take a moment to truly think about how you respect yourself. Remember, confidence is contagious.

5. Learn to keep your word

Saying something and doing the opposite is one way to quickly lose respect. Actions speak louder than words, this is not a new phrase to you I believe.  especially in relationships. So, if you tell your partner that there will be certain repercussions for something and you don’t follow through, he or she won’t take you seriously, ever again. So follow through all the time. Or even if you make a small promise to your lover, you must keep it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

6. Learn to not settle for less

There’s nothing more confident and attractive as somebody who knows what he or she deserves. If you’re in a relationship where your partner knows he or she can get away with anything, well then, your power and respect have already gone out the window. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.

No one wants an indolent partner. A hard-working partner is always respected. Ensure that you do well at work and gain more accomplishment. Give your partner a reason to be proud of you. Give them the opportunity to show you off. You can’t gain your partner’s respect if you are indolent. The hard truth is that no one likes to be associated with a loser. Your partner wants to look at you and be proud. This will boost your confidence and respect with your partner. I wish you all the best

By Rois Ola

When it comes to what is necessary to have healthy, thriving, passionate, intimate and trusting relationships, we are all looking for answers. Can it really be something as simple as self-love?

We are all looking for the secret ingredient to the perfect relationship recipe that will fix all of our problems with our significant others. We are obsessed with how to love properly, how to express it in the right way and what we can fix about ourselves in order to do so.

It’s all about you

While this might seem a bit obvious – that the answer lies within – it’s the realist, harshest and most overwhelming and intimidating truth out there.

Accepting yourself as you are is the answer to how to create the healthiest romantic relationship possible.

Definitely not an easy road

Self-love isn’t all about body positivity and incorporating new self-care routine (although those are important). At first, it is actually much more difficult.

Self-love is staring your inner demons in the face until they cease to exist.

It is facing your traumas, your insecurities, your mistakes, and your flaws, and overcoming them all.

It is forgiving yourself for being imperfect.

It is forgiving those that have hurt you – no matter how badly – and releasing those resentments for your own good.

It is addressing where you have been toxic to yourself and to other people, and doing the work it takes to change it.

It requires a lot of honesty with yourself, which can be a very difficult thing to do. However, once achieved, turns into something truly amazing.

It will transform you

While you once looked in the mirror with loathing and disgust, you now look in the mirror and see your best friend staring back at you.

While you once were going to extreme lengths to change your outward appearance, you now only work on doing what is best for your optimal health.

While you once settled, you now have raised standards.

While some may state that this is conceited, it is extremely necessary that self-love and self-care become daily practices.

Being single should not be scary

If you are single, then self-love is your highest priority. It is easy to fall into the trap of constantly questioning why everyone around you is seemingly able to find love, while you are always struggling with it. It can cause you to find faults within yourself and highlight insecurities instead of provoking love for who you are.

Try not to let it make you look desperate

It can cause you to settle for the first person to come along that shows interest. The first spark that you feel with someone else can feel like potential for a serious relationship. Sometimes, however, a spark is just that – a spark. It burns brightly for a split second, then it dies.

We want to believe so badly that spark is what we have been looking for, so we try to force a connection with someone who may not be a good fit for us at all.

It’s like we try to squeeze this person into a mold of what we want them to be, but no matter how hard we force it, they will never fit. The fear of being single is so strong that we would rather settle for a once brightly lit spark that died out fast and is now nothing but a cold pile of ash.

This is because we don’t love ourselves enough to turn down those that aren’t a good fit for us.

What you really are missing from your life is you

We have this notion that being alone is a negative thing. Yes, humans are social beings and are not meant to live alone forever. However, being comfortable alone is how to find love with someone else that you so desperately crave.

When we are happy alone, we stop settling

The fear of being single can be overcome when we genuinely enjoy being with ourselves. We have the confidence that someone else will eventually come along because, hell, we’re a catch. We are the complete package and anyone would be lucky to date us.

We will eventually find someone who is compatible, who speaks a complementary love language, and that treats us how we deserve to be treated.

Self-love teaches us that we can’t imagine settling for a spark when we deserve an eternal flame.

It is one of the foundations for fulfilling relationships, alongside feeling safe with your significant other.

The love that you feel like you have been missing your whole life isn’t the love you receive from a relationship, but the love you give and receive yourself. Then, when somebody else comes along they only add to the existing love you already have.

When you treat yourself without respect or love, you basically give others permission to do the same. So set high standards for yourself. Be able to stand up for yourself and say: “I’m better than this. I’m not going to tolerate this happening to me.” If you don’t love yourself first, you’re not going to have any standard as to how others should treat you. When you have that unconditional self-love, it’s a lot easier to recognize when people are giving you less than you deserve. You’ll notice that as you grow in your self-love journey, you’ll cut ties with certain people because you realize they don’t make you feel good, they don’t uplift you, and they don’t help you grow. Yeah, it can be hard, and can even hurt. However, as your self-love increases, your tolerance for negativity, and disrespect decreases, and these toxic relationships just won’t be worth your time and energy anymore.

Depending on other people to make you feel loved can result in unhealthy relationships not only with others, but with yourself. Honestly, if you don’t have a loving relationship with yourself, you can’t reflect love very well in your relationships with others anyway. At least not in the way that you could if you loved yourself first. This is the same concept as “you can’t pour from an empty cup” when we’re talking about self-care. Know your true, genuine self, and let your light shine. That way, whoever you attract is loving you for you, and not some sort of compromised version of you.

So in a nutshell, self-love is healthy in a relationship. It is the art of  learning how to enjoy your space,  learning how to enjoy you, being happy with who you are even with your flaws and seeking to be better than who you were yesterday. I wish you all the best.