Yetunde Oladehinde

WHO needs a heart, when a heart can be broken. That is the love zone puzzle. If you have gone through an emotional somersault before, you become wary of the antics in the arena. Fantasies? Forget it!  Love, victims would tell you is for only dreamers and hearts fresh from the emotional farm. For old timers, you can take a flashback down memory lane and compare notes.

It is the time of life when we all imagine that love was this invincible and you just want everything to flow without thinking about the consequence of your action or inaction.

Just while you are putting up all the emotional defence to make thing work forever, ensuring that what you have can be equated to the bulletproof force that is immune to outside influence, impervious to evil and capable of overcoming all obstacles.

Unfortunately, many do not stay too long on the emotional island. As soon as they settle down to the beauty of love and the affection that comes with it, they realise that there is competition within. Other hearts are jostling for positions and at the end of the emotional struggle, the winner takes it all. Folarin is a victim and somehow he still has not got himself back. What happened? The poor heart suddenly discovered that his fiancée was sleeping with his best friend. That was not all. The saddest part of the discovery was that she started cheating on him barely three weeks after they met.

The smart girl was dating both of them simultaneously and his friend knew all along. He was the only one who was in the dark until that bubble was ruptured, never to be restored again.

Truth of the matter here is that love can be stupid. Many do so many things they do not even understand and remain a fool for love. Many times, the signs are actually there, but we may choose to ignore them because of some genuine or selfish reasons.

This is a change of attitude, outlook and habits that can point to the fact that something is going on. Of course, there are times when the other person is consistent and there are no clues at all. Another case with young loving heart comes to mind here.

Dotun is a ladies’ man. They just can’t resist him, and for a while, his friends thought he was never going to settle down with a single babe. “I thought so too and most times, I was always afraid that I may not be able to stick to a particular babe forever.”

About a year ago, he met Omowunmi at a party and from that moment, he just could not take his eyes and heart away from this beauty. It wasn’t just her beauty alone. There was something magnetic about the way she talked, laughed and just everything about her”.

Now that he had found love, everything that he did tilted in her favour and direction. To impress the angel of his life, Dotun began to make arrangements for a grand wedding. One of the biggest steps was a new house, but he did not tell Omowunmi because he wanted it to be a surprise. Everything required must be in place before he brings her to the place.

One Saturday morning, the guy who made the furniture wanted to come and deliver them. Dotun went with them very early in the morning and while they were moving the furniture in, her dear Omowunmi stepped out of the flat downstairs scantily dressed, his neighbour, James, also stepped out in his pyjamas. They talked for a few minutes and in a short while, they started cuddling one another.

Wait a minute! This is for real. The girl he finally gave his heart to was fooling him, and this bitch was not in love with him.  She didn’t see Dotun and he decided to record the love proceedings. It was all over, but, of course, he would need this evidence to prove that he was not looking for an excuse, just because he wants to ditch her for another babe.

Love can be really naughty, but again, you can’t judge a heart based on your criteria for emotion. Who you fall in love with, how you access the heart in question and your rationale for keeping or dumping something you crave for can only be best understood by no one, but you.

To avoid being in an emotional scam, you must understand your spouse’s feeling and if the attention is for you or for another. If your partner has been making elaborate excuses for not meeting you or spending time with you, then there is great cause for alarm. In addition, if the heart that you really love has been ignoring your calls and messages, then there is fire on the emotional mountain.

The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually supportive relationship is being separate, yet connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or herself , compromising the relationship as a whole. The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need a relationship with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keep a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

By Rois Ola

Money can destroy families and friendships. It causes rivalry and even destroys relationships. Couples can have a lot going for them, but when it comes to money, problem arises. Maybe one person chooses not to open up to the other person their true financial status or is hiding debts or embarrassing habits related to finance from their partner.

Some go as far as ensuring there is no financial trace to all their dealings, like deleting alerts, both sms and email, avoiding any financial discussions, spending more than the other person or spending less to deceive the other that they don’t have. Even as far as having heavy investment or property without disclosure. There are many reasons for this. But it’s something that cannot stay hidden forever unfortunately. We have cases where people stayed in rented apartments not knowing the house actually belongs to their spouse. Or business men having huge balances and not letting their spouses know. Secret now comes out upon the death of the wealthy one.

Ideally, financial status should not matter when relationships are involved because what we are trying to preach here is financially transparency. A lot of people have bad experiences which have made them to stop. You may be madly in love with someone, but please have it in mind that when you get serious, you’re joining your financial statuses together, no matter how good or bad the status is. So you need to love with your eyes open and medulla oblongata intact.

So my question is why are you arguing with your spouse about money?  You are definitely not alone. When you put together partners and money side by side, you will surely have days where how money is spent becomes an issue will let loose, arguments on how much to spend to buy food for the house and someone is requesting for a pair of shoes or Gucci hand bag or human hair costing the same with a plot of land.  Do you know money is one of the major issues people in relationships fight about? It sometimes can lead to a serious breach in communication and if not handled well, end up in divorce.

Trying to merge your life and that of your spouse, especially in relation to money is not easy. It is a continuous work in progress as each individual has their own perspective. Here are a few mistakes couples make when it comes to their money and relationships and possible ways to avoid or handle them. The truth is talking about money with your partner is the key to handling the issues before they even come. Before settling down with anyone ask the necessary questions.

Cheating your partner and spending on the side man or side chick

Any type of affair, same sex or otherwise, can destroy a relationship. And when the wayward partner has been running up bills, no matter how small, it is with some side chick or side cock, side goat or whatever they are called these days, this will only worsen the issue that is if you are both patient and strong enough. You will need to get counselling or have a serious heart to heart talk with each other. This is not easy at all, but it can work, if you are committed. Nobody plans to cheat, sometimes it crawls up on you and overtakes you, which is why even in relationships one needs to be emotionally intelligent so you don’t get sucked into what will hurt your spouse, guard your heart and thoughts jealously.

From a financial aspect, the erring partner going forward needs to be transparent the person who betrayed their partner would have to be willing to make all financial transactions transparent, what this implies is that you will have to willingly inform you partner on all financial transactions and discuss on what you spend, thereby making you financially and emotionally accountable.

Hiding your debts

This, I am so sure, will not be news to you, while you may not be doing this, you will at least know one or two people doing this. Why? Because it is a common situation amongst friends, family and people in relationships.  Hiding debt is not just keeping mum about the money, it also shows that there are fundamental issues of trust amongst couples who experience this.

It may be difficult to discuss this particular one, but you have to start it anyway. So the first step is to not judge, shout or make the person feel worse. Let your statements always have “we” so that they know you are interested in helping them sort it out, as long as she or she is not a chronic debtor, in that case immediate counsel is needed.

Giving money to either family member

This is another issue with trust. Sometimes family members come up with business ideas and ask you to get involved. Sometimes they come asking for money all the time and you keep giving, even at the detriment of your own needs and those of your spouse or immediate family needs. A toxic relationship can erupt here, as one spouse will be forced to take sides or quarrel with family because of money not being paid back. At the end of the day, it boils down to who you perceive to be right or wrong.

It is still possible to fix trust between two people, though a difficult thing to accomplish, as one may need to create boundaries. You will have to accompany your spouse as a team with one voice and tell them (family) how you feel and what they need to do to rectify the situation. This will clear the air and let family know that you have a unified front and destroy any doubts anyone has been experiencing or feeling. Also any misconception on repayment needs to be cleared and put in the open.  You may not recover the loan, but at least will have been put in proper perspective and ensure it doesn’t happen again. I wish you all the best.

Rois Ola

The word depression, when many people hear it, brings up a feeling of dread, fear or an outright God forbid in our thoughts. Unfortunately, many people are currently battling with an experience. It darkens your thoughts. It makes you turn into something else, it makes it unbearable for some of our loved ones to even be around us. It is a difficult illness that some refuse to accept. It saps everything good and is energy draining. Depression spoils your ability to connect emotionally with people. It distorts your view about life and people making you act crazy. It represents everything in a negative way. It makes you even hate your partner. If you are not careful, it inhibits you from having a healthy relationship. Anyone going through this, needs help as quickly as possible as reality becomes warped in darkness.

Obviously, the first step to healing is being  able to identify that this is what you are going through and be ready to take measures to have a healthy relationship. There are many ways depression destroys relationships. Here are a few and NOT ALL below:

When you experience self-doubt

Depression colours your mind. When people are thinking towards the right, you may be reasoning towards the left. It creates self-doubt and makes you view your partner as the reason for your problems. In addition, it creates a very unhealthy dose of self-esteem. Low self-worth destroys relationships and does not allow effective communication or resolution of issues. The best way to feel secure in your relationship is to feel secure in yourself.  Self-doubt makes you feel as if you have no value or worth and doesn’t allow you accept your flaws. It does not allow you accept failure forgetting that failure in life is normal. Low self-esteem and self-worth will not allow you enjoy the ups and downs of life.

When you criticize too much

If you are in a relationship and depressed without handling it on time, it will make the positive parts of your relationship look small and the negative parts look big. As little as leaving toothpaste tube open can make you interpret it as your partner hates you or does not care about you enough. It makes your partner feel bad and condemned. Always look at the positives, no matter how small. Try to take a paper and pen, list out the positive sides and think on them clearly to help you feel better. Try intentionally to gradually keep adding positives to the list and be grateful for them as the number rises. If you are depressed and you build a tendency to appreciate them for the little more, they in turn will make effort to do better if they truly love you and this will create a stronger bond and help you overcome the bad days.

When your expectation is too high

If you have expectations that are too high and unrealistic, or expectations that you have never voiced out. It may be difficult for your partner to meet up with them. They may not have any idea on what you want and how you want it, and yet you want them to JUST KNOW without saying a word. Sometimes you may start out with them thinking things will turn out differently and yet they don’t.

Depression isn’t just occasional sadness. It’s a collection of symptoms, including irritability, fatigue, difficulty in concentrating, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, feelings of worthlessness or helplessness, a loss of enjoyment in your usual activities, and sometimes suicidal thoughts.  You have to work on getting better and assuring your partner that you’re on that path that can go a long way in helping them understand you better and help them better.

Sex drive goes down

Relationships are not about sex all the time, but when depression sets in, then you need to create an activity where there is emphasis on INTIMACY and not just sex. It takes time, but practice makes perfect.

You quarrel more

Depression is not about shouting suicide all the time or breaking in tears all day. Being highly and unreasonably irritable is part of it.

You are isolating yourself more and more

Depression makes you want to withdraw into your own island of despair. You might be ashamed you cannot pull yourself out of the funk. Alternatively, if you do not have the energy to connect with your partner, you might drop out until you feel better.

“There’s an emotional check-out with depression,” Paz says. “You’re not present in anything but your darkness.” It is best to look for an activity that brings you joy, find something to love, maybe a new pet or a new hobbies.

Vera Chidi-Maha

FOR us in this part of the world, writing one’s will or choosing a next of kin is not seen as a top priority. People are so busy with everything else, hence the temptation to ignore the most vital issues of life becomes unavoidable. We have heard of cases where the man forgets to write down his next of kin, and at the event of his death, his extended family forcefully acquires all his wealth and leaves the immediate family empty handed. Women more often than not have fallen victims due to the negligence of their husbands. Naturally, nobody wants to think or plan of his or her death, but because it is inevitable. It is important that one should learn to plan for the future. It is in the light of the above that we compelled our respondents to talk about who takes over when they leave planet earth.

Mrs Bridget Mustapha

Before I got married, my immediate younger one was my next of kin. But when I got married and started having kids, I changed my next of kin to my husband. The reason is very simple when a lady gets married,her siblings immediately become her extended family. The Bible commands that you and your spouse become one flesh. I am very sure that if you ask my husband, he will tell you that I am his next of kin. I do not see any reason to choose anybody else. If something happens to me today, I am confident that my children will not lack anything because he loves them dearly.

Mr. Oyebanji Abiodun

My wife is my next of kin. I love my wife dearly, and I trust her with my life. In fact, there is nothing she doesn’t know about me. Currently, we are not even in the same location, but we trust each other. I cannot leave any of my kids as my next of kin. I am fully aware of a mother’s love. No mother will ever abandon her child no matter how wayward she is. Even if she remarries after I am gone, I believe strongly that her kids will still be treated with utmost care and provision. After all, when a child is good, the credit in most cases, goes to the mother.

Mr. Alfred Nweke

My pastor is my next of kin. My understanding of the next of kin has to do with a person you can trust. I have known my pastor for years now, and he is a very dependable person. He is a believer, he knows and fears God and I know that he will make and take wise decisions that will benefit my immediate family.

Mr. Williams Aliyu

My elder brother is my next of kin. I can never choose my wife. I am a Muslim and I can pick another woman when I choose, but with due respect to women, I would like to state here that women are not deep thinkers. They make and change their minds as often as they change their clothes. I cannot entrust my wealth to any woman. Some women can be so blinded by jealousy that they can even plan to undo their husbands, just to achieve their selfish objectives.

Suppose I make my wife my next of kin, and I die today, what do you think will happen there after? I know for sure that she will waste no time in getting remarried. What happens then? What will be the future of my other wife or wives as the case maybe? What will become the fate of my children, even the children from other woman or women? My elder brother is simply and surely my next of kin.