The Nation Newspaper

Category: RELATIONSHIP

  • Four reasons marriages of actors may not work

    Four reasons marriages of actors may not work

    British-Nigerian actor and writer, Kalu Ikeagwu is seeking dissolution of his six- year-old marriage to Ijeoma Eze on the grounds that she denies him sex and access to his 10-year-old step daughter, and three-year-old son.

    This case was in an Ikeja High court on Monday, 30th May. Their experience shows the harsh realities embedded in marriage, which many couples, especially weak ones won’t be able to fight through. Here are some reasons why the marriage of actors may not work:

    Absence: People paint marriage to be a fairytale story, rushing into it without taking into consideration the hitches and the compatibility checks. This concept carries a lot of responsibility to take on because you’re no longer thinking for yourself alone but for a partner and likely children with whom you will share your burdens and laughs with. The major reason why their marriage is on the verge of collapse is because of his unstable presence to perform his role as a husband. As is obvious, absence seems to be the greatest problem for married actors.

    Trust issues: This can arise from not seeing your spouse for a long time whilst knowing they are in the company of other people on the same set for weeks. Some roles given to actors can incite some suspicions in their partners especially if it is sex related.

    Read Also: Celebrity marriage sagas that shocked Nigerians

    Roles: The roles actors play in movies has an effect on them. They start exhibiting those traits even in their homes and this comes unconsciously at times. It is worse If the role affects them psychologically. Method acting has this to book because it takes some time for actors to come out of their roles. This can in many ways affect a marriage.

    Lack of effective communication: Seeing as one party is always on set and has little time to catch up with the other, communication may slip. This may not be an immediate effect but in the long run, this will become a huge problem. Time spent away makes actors miss out on great experiences with their families, the stages of growth for the children, the family bonding and much more. Considering the nature of the job, they are never in the same place long enough as scene’s are taken in different locations, Inter-state even.

    Star actor, Stanley Ebuka Nzediegwu and his wife Blessing Jessica Obasi are doing nice job of their marriage. Their YouTube channel programme “how we met” has good viewership where they share hilarious and cute content about moments in their marriage. He said in their 10 fun facts YouTube video, “what I cherish most about our relationship is the fact that we are very vulnerable with each other”. Their aggressive communication and YouTube time together is a good way of strengthening their relationship and enhancing effective communication

  • Eight signs you’re dating a narcissist

    Eight signs you’re dating a narcissist

    A narcissist is someone dealing with a narcissistic personality disorder or NPD which is characterised by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, resulting in an extreme need for admiration, believing others are inferior, lack of empathy, and difficulty forming healthy relationships.

    Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes. However, there’s one quality they all share: they can wreak havoc in your life through various manipulative tactics.

    Below are eight tell-signs to alert you that you are in a relationship with a narcissist so you could put on your ‘running shoes’ and flee from the scene forever:

    (1) Everything must revolve around them

    When talking to a narcissist, it may feel as though you need to fight to get a word in about yourself. The conversations you have will generally be about them and their problems.

    The moment you start to talk about yourself, a narcissist may become visibly bored, tuning you out because you’re not talking about them.

    (2) They’re excessively concerned with their appearance and reputation

    A well-known characteristic of a narcissist is their inflated sense of self-worth. But this presents itself as more than constantly staring at themselves in a mirror and admiring how beautiful they are, though they may do this, too.

    While narcissists may be deeply concerned about their physical appearance, they also tend to spend a great deal of time worrying about how strangers perceive them.

    This focus inward can translate to the narcissist you’re dating going above and beyond what would be typical behaviour for the situation to win your heart, a phenomenon called love bombing.

    The moment you fall for them, a narcissist will stop trying to demonstrate how they care about you and your needs.

    However, in public, a narcissist will continue to play the role of the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, so everyone thinks highly of them but behind closed doors, where there’s no one to impress, they’ll drop the act and emotionally abuse you instead.

    (3) They expect perfection from you even though they far from it

    A narcissistic partner may also expect you to be perfect and will not accept any of your shortcomings, which everyone has, including them.

    With a narcissist, it’s these shortcomings along with their self-loathing that plagues them and are at the root of their abusive behaviour.

    (4) They’re manipulative

    A more dangerous characteristic of a narcissist is their tendency to manipulate others, particularly those close to them. Because of their excessive need for admiration, they may do almost anything to achieve those ends, no matter how cruel.

    A narcissist may manipulate you by making you feel guilty when you do something for yourself that goes against their desires. Or they may blatantly degrade you to keep you feeling trapped in the relationship. For instance, a narcissist may tell you no one else will want you because you’re so fat, ugly, stupid, etc.

    (5) They will gaslight you at every given opportunity

    Narcissists may also gaslight you by lying straight to your face, causing you to question what you know to be real: something about them and your relationship isn’t right.

    Gaslighting doesn’t usually start all at once, like most of their devaluing and discarding behaviours they ignite the process of gaslighting slowly.

    They start with a little lie mixed with a spoonful of truth because it’s more believable that way and will certainly get you confused.

    If you dare question the truth it gets thrown back at you and you are accused of having a bad memory, you are told you always forget. And they continue to repeat the lie-brainwashing till you start to question ‘reality.’

    (6) They are empathy deficient

    One criterion of NPD is a lack of empathy, the ability to pick up on and experience feelings someone else has.

    The way a narcissist experiences emotion is different from most individuals. They may know why someone might feel a certain way in a superficial sense but cannot share those emotions.

    In a relationship, this would translate to a narcissist behaving in a way they know will upset you but not caring because they don’t consider anyone else’s feelings except theirs.

    (7) They have few long-lasting friendships

    Due to the immaculate ‘false’ image they want to present to the world, narcissists can be charming and have no problem making friends.

    However, when an individual is pathologically self-absorbed, it can be challenging to keep friends.

    True friends take on a selfless role and listen to their friends’ problems rather than make everything about them.

    Like romantic relationships, platonic friendships function as a two-way street, meaning there’s give and take. Because the world revolves around a narcissist, they may struggle to behave like a good friend, resulting in friendships that tend to fizzle out quickly.

    (8) They keep a lot of romantic interest (known as narcissist supply) around them

    A narcissist is often afraid of making a long-term commitment, though narcissists do marry. Those who are afraid to commit tend to keep a lot of romantic interests around, known as narcissistic supply or a narcissistic harem, just in case one of them begins making demands the narcissist can’t and won’t meet. When that happens, the narcissist generally pulls back using one of their manipulation tactics or disappears.

    When the narcissist returns without warning, the same way they left, and successfully reels their target back in, they can effectively reset the relationship to a place where they’re comfortable.

    Usually, the target won’t be so quick to make demands the next time, fearing what happened when they did. If they become so bold, the punishment typically escalates; the time the narcissist disappears becomes longer, the verbal abuse becomes more severe, etc.

    The longer the cycle continues, the harder it becomes to break away for good. A narcissist always comes back.

    Thus, the best way to protect oneself from a narcissist is to have nothing to do with them by strictly adhering to the ‘no contact’ rule.

  • Five ‘demonised’ beauty accessories

    Five ‘demonised’ beauty accessories

    A lot of people have come to par with the recent northern aphrodisiac made famous by some contemporary online sensationalists and charm entrepreneurs.

    With the rise of some aphrodisiac sellers, a lot of people have attributed the stuff to some spiritual powers or divination thereby demonising it. Here are five harmless beauty accessories ‘demonised’ in recent times:

     

    · Waist beads (Jigida). The history and use of waist beads or jigida as called by the Hausas and ola uku by the Igbos precedes this time. It has been in use since inception. It is basically a beauty accessory embraced by different cultures around the globe. Funnily enough, some men have begun to adopt the wearing of waist beads in recent times, some people have described it as “un-manly” and some say it is cute.

     

    · Henna (lale). The Indians are very well known with this adornment, especially for wedding occasions. It involves drawing beautiful patterns across the body just like tattoos but henna is temporary. It depends on what occasion and how good the artist is, the henna on the skin can be very beautiful and can last for months on the skin. The henna of the contemporary days however has had some side effects on some people. In the not so distant past, the henna used to be natural leaves prepared and left on the body but we now have varying chemical substances used in making the herbs which has now become a substance. Most people have had various side effects ranging from itching, to swelling of the skin and so it is advised to use the appropriate materials for henna. A lot of people do not resist to voice out their reservations on this especially the older generations because according to them it is similar to drawing tattoos.

    · Leg chains. A s3x worker in Lagos is imagined with long hair, skimpy revealing gowns, long high heel, a big ” I might spend the night” bag, the mouth moving with the cracks of a bubble gum, do not forget the bubble gum, very necessary and of cause the leg chain. It doesn’t matter if she was just leaving her parent’s house to school or if she’s returning from a legal work, she’d be named “olosho”.

    · Nose rings. The perception of the nose rings and leg chains are similar. While the leg chain is much more frowned upon especially by southerners, the nose ring is a little more bearable because it is understood that it is a little more cultural than it is fashionable.

    · Eye liner. Eye liner can be accepted by all and sundry except for those whose religious beliefs are totally against any form of make-up. Some diabolical actions have however been attributed to the eyeliner. For example, it is said that people have been robbed of their cash just by fraudsters who consult with traditionalists and they were hence deceived into applying traditional eyeliner called “tiro” in Yoruba. An overall makeover however requires the use of eyeliner in the eye section for the makeup to come out well.

     

  • 10 reasons why your husband may be cheating on you

    10 reasons why your husband may be cheating on you

    As much as many detest to hear about the word cheating in a relationship or union, it doesn’t eradicate its actual existence.

    There’s no greater betrayal than finding out one’s husband is cheating. Although, women are sometimes culpable but the ‘cheating’ space seem to be owned more by men.

    According to experts, the following are 10 reasons why your husband may just be cheating on you by having an affair.

    Resentment

    Resentment is one of the primary emotional triggers of cheating. Specifically, the feelings of being neglected, wherein their infidelity becomes a way to recapture their partner’s attention.

    Some husbands have an excessive need for attention and feel neglected however, they fail to communicate same to their partners and resort to cheating instead.

    Validation/Vulnerability

    Validation/vulnerability is also another the key reasons why married men cheat.

    In a bid to satisfy the “hunger for attention,” men can look outside of their relationship and find themselves engaging in workplace affairs, where finding the admiration and appreciation they seek might be more readily available to them.

    Inability to express self

    The feelings of stifled or limited self-expression a person may feel within their own relationship can lead them to cheat on the spouses.

    Read Also: Nine Yoruba actors/actresses who remarried

    When this happens, the person in question may feel they need to look outside of their existing partnership for a connection that allows them to express themselves in whatever way they don’t feel they’re able to with their partner.

    Self-expression is key when it comes to communication in a relationship. Toxic-masculinity is real and creating space where you can nurture SQ (SPIRITUAL QUOTIENT) and EQ (EMOTIONAL QUOTIENT) in your connection will only strengthen it.

    The enticement of ‘forbidden fruit’

    Affairs are “rarely about sex” but in fact, have more to do with desire specifically, the desire for that which one doesn’t have.

    Self-gratification

    An inflated man needs to self-gratify. When your main concern is me, me, me, you tend to lose sight of the bigger picture, more specifically, the value in long term goals.

    Disappointment

    Disappointment is one of the main causes of infidelity.

    As it relates to disappointment, some partners find themselves unable to cope with a lack of excitement or the flaws of their long-term relationships, and so they engage in an affair as an alternative to dealing with the confrontation of communicating their disappointment to their partner.

    Boredom

    There’s no doubt that infidelity happens year round but there’s just something about the holidays.

    Much as we’d like to think that during the most festive time of year, family is number one on everyone’s mind, it’s just not always the case.

    In fact, oftentimes it happens that one (or both) people in a relationship can find themselves feeling so overwhelmed by the season, and underwhelmed by their partner, that their better half ends up taking a back seat to their own search for something a little more exciting regardless of whether it lands them on the “naughty” list.

    Financial Reason: Wage gap

    Some people believe the financial-factor has more to do with cheating that the intimacy-factor.

    In the sense that, a ‘wage gap’ between partners might be the thing that sends the person who earns less looking for a way to even the footing in the relationship.

    While this ties into the idea of resentment, it goes a further to identify men as the gender most likely to take lesser-earnings to heart between themselves and their significant other.

    Disconnection

    At its core, cheating is more of a symptom than a cause of something, Precisely, a symptom of an inability to connect with one’s partner, and not something purely rooted in lust.

    The result of this disconnection being even the simplest of connected moments that one partner might experience with someone else, in which they may see this new person or connection as a source of replenishment for what they feel is missing at home.

    Emotional needs

    We are never able to meet all of our needs on our own, in spite of our desire for independence.

    Relationship(s) is the logical source for those emotional needs which we need help satisfying.

    The core reason for cheating is as simple as someone feeling their emotional needs aren’t being met in their relationship.

  • Seven things partners should avoid in relationship

    Seven things partners should avoid in relationship

    All relationships pass through difficult times but it takes work, commitment and willingness to adapt with your partner to have a long-lasting and successful relationship that keeps it going.

    Every relationship is unique and people come together for many different reasons best known to them.

    Part of what defines a healthy relationship is sharing a common goal and having your partners’ best interests at heart.

    Being aware of things to avoid in a relationship can help you have a long-lasting relationship.

    Here are seven things partners should avoid in a relationship:

    · Avoid making your partner feel less important.

    It is important to always reassure your partner and showing more love and concern. When you feel loved, it makes you feel valued and prioritised by your partner. Most relationship meets rock bottom due to of lack of affection and attention by a spouse. Ladies generally love getting attention and admiration when they are being heard. It is important to always assure your partner they are being held highly.

    · Avoid using abusive words during arguments

    Arguments are inevitable in a relationship. It is only natural for two people having different personalities and interpretations of things to disagree. Abusive words should be avoided at all costs because an altered word can’t be taken back. It’s best to avoid arguments that lead to exchange of abusive words. It is okay to inform your partner about what troubles you but not to the point of exchanging abusive words and raising voices.

    · Avoid comparison

    Nobody likes being compared negatively with others. Comparison can only reduce a person’s self-esteem, confidence and zeal. Nobody likes being compared and no two persons are created the same way. It is only acceptable to admire a person. Couples should avoid comparing their affairs at all costs to someone else’s affair. It would only resort to being uncontented with what you have and selfish.

    · Lack of communication

    Good communication is a key part of any relationship. When both people know what they want from the relationship and feel comfortable expressing their needs, fears, and desires, it can increase trust and strengthen the bond between you. It is important for your spouse to understand and listen to what you have to say.

    · Avoid unnecessary jealousy

    Trust is a key factor in any relationship, so have faith in your partner and respect them when they need some privacy. Your insecurity can cause you more harm if you keep doubting your partner’s intentions. Talking about it is a better way rather than snooping around to find out hidden proof like checking mails, wallets, cell phones and stalking on social media.

    You’ll only end up misinterpreting things and hurting yourself. Asking your partner about your doubts and confusion is better than carrying out personal investigations that can only fuel your rage which sometimes yields false results.

    · Holding on to grudges

    Holding on to grudges might not only hurt a relationship but it will also cause unwanted stress and anxiety for both. Talking about issues and misunderstandings is a better way of clearing confusion. If you keep things unsaid and bottle up your feelings, things may blow out of proportion, and then it might be too late to save the relationship. Also try not to keep in mind small detail of arguments you had, as it will directly relate to unnecessary tension. It may be hard but it is advisable to move on and forget about past disagreements.

  • 10 most expensive celebrity divorces of all time

    10 most expensive celebrity divorces of all time

    By Fasanmi Abiola

    The news of Bill Gates and Melinda’s divorce created a flutter around the world. This took many by surprise, especially after a 27-year-old marriage.

    In announcing their split, the couple announced they will continue to work together on philanthropic issues through their Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation.

    Below are some of the most expensive celebrity divorces of all time”

    1. Jeff Bezos and MacKenzie Scott – $38 billion

    The billionaire Amazon founder and his wife announced their split in 2019 after 25 years of marriage, what followed was an expensive divorce that made Scott the third-richest woman in the world.

    She left Bezos with 75 percent of their shared stock in the e-tail giant, although she only kept nearly 20 million shares, which were valued at about $35 billion at the time.

    The split is deemed as the most expensive divorce ever as Bezos had to part with $38 billion of his wealth.

    2. Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren – $110 million

    10-most-expensive-celebrity-divorces-of-all-time

    Tiger Woods’ divorce payout to ex-wife Elin Nordegren may be as much as $110 million, according to HuffPost.

    Tiger admitted to having multiple affairs and the couple decided to divorce after six years together in 2010.

    In 2010 his divorce settlement was finalised and Elin Nordegren pocketed US$110 million with the couple sharing custody of their two children.

    3. Michael Jordan and Juanita Vanoy – $168 million

    10-most-expensive-celebrity-divorces-of-all-time

    Michael Jordan and Juanita Vanoy filed for a divorce in 2002 after being married for almost two decades.

    The couple tried to sort out their differences for four years before issuing a statement about their separation in 2006.

    After the divorce, Vanoy received a $168m divorce settlement, which is still one of the largest in sports history.

    Michael Jordan and Juanita Vanoy’s divorce settlement is considered as one of the most expensive in sports history. Jordan also paid $2.1 million for their legal fees.

    4. Elon Musk and Talulah Riley – $16 million

    10-most-expensive-celebrity-divorces-of-all-time

    The second-richest man in the world has also divorced twice from the actress Talulah Riley.

    After their first marriage ended in 2012, Riley reportedly walked away with $4.2 million.

    They reconciled and wed again a year later, only for Elon to file for divorce in 2015.

    That time, Musk agreed to pay her $16 million in the split, TMZ reported.

    He is currently worth about $151 billion, according to Forbes.

    5. Ivana and Donald Trump – $25 million

    The former president of the United States of America’s divorce from his first wife, Ivana, wasn’t just expensive but dramatic.

    Trump cheated on Ivana with his eventual second wife, Marla Maples, in a scandal that claimed many headlines.

    Famously, Maples confronted Ivana in Aspen, where she reportedly said: “I’m Marla and I love your husband. Do you?” according to an interview Ivana gave to Barbara Walters. The divorce soon followed, with an estimated settlement of $25 million.

    6. Alec Wildenstein and Jocelyn Wildenstein — $3.8 billion

    Jocelyn Wildenstein, who is known by her plastic surgery moniker, “Catwoman,” had the priciest divorce settlement to date at the time when she split from her billionaire art dealer husband, Alec Wildenstein, in the late 1990s.

    The breakup turned ugly after she caught him in bed with another woman, The high-profile divorce proceedings resulted in Jocelyn being awarded $2.5 billion and $100 million for each of the next 13 years, for a total of $3.8 billion.

    7. Rupert Murdoch and Maria Torv – $1.7 billion

    Media mogul Rupert Murdoch and journalist Maria Torv were married for 31 years and have three children together.

    But the couple had diverging plans for when Murdoch would retire, and they agreed to an “amicable separation” in 1998.

    Murdoch married Wendi Deng 17 days after the divorce while Torv married William Mann six months after, Torv is rumoured to have received $1.7 billion in settlements according to Economic Times.

    8. Adnan Khashoggi and Soraya Khashoggi — $874 million

     

    Saudi Arabian arms dealer Adnan Khashoggi married a 20-year-old British woman named Sandra Daly, who converted to Islam and changed her name to Soraya in 1961.

    According to Time, at the height of their wealth, the couple owned 17 homes, three planes, and three yachts.

    The couple divorced in 1974 and their settlement totaled a then-record $874 million dollars, equivalent to more than $2 billion today.

    9. Bob Johnson and Sheila Crump Johnson — $400 million

    Co-founders of Black Entertainment Television Bob Johnson and Sheila Johnson were married from 1969 to 2002.

    In 2000, the couple even became the first African-American billionaires, and when the couple divorced in 2002, Sheila Johnson acquired $400 million.

    In a twist of fate, Sheila later married the judge who presided over her divorce.

    10. Melissa Mathison and Harrison Ford – $85 million

    Another high-profile celebrity divorce was Ford’s split with ex-wife Mathison in 2004. The divorce came after 21 years of marriage and Mathison walked away with a large chunk of Ford’s earnings after their $85 million settlement.

  • Five types of women that may cheat

    Five types of women that may cheat

    By Chinyere Okoroafor

    We can never know in totality why women cheat in a relationship.

    There are many reasons why a woman cheats on her partner. It could be because she can or she is out of love or whatever her reasons might be.

    Here are five women who may cheat on their partners:

    The materialistic women

    These kinds of women have low royalty. They barely work for what they want and have hardly worked for the things that they own. They have this insatiable appetite to get the finest things in life no matter and they don’t care who they hurt in the process.

    Because they are highly driven by material things all a man needs to do is flash money or items that they like before their eyes. When they are in a relationship with a man, they are not satisfied with what the man gives them and it is worse when the man is also not in the position to give, therefore, they will always end up in another man’s bed to get what they want.

    The woman who is still active on dating sites/ apps

    It doesn’t make sense for a woman in a relationship to be on dating sites. For her to be there means she hasn’t found you. So if you have a girl whom you are in a serious relationship with and she is still in dating sites this means she is opening herself up for other relationships. The propensity for her to cheat is higher because she is opening herself up in that space.

    The unapologetic flirtatious woman

    She is the type that likes to get the attention of men. She has no excuses to continue flirting with other men once she has established a serious relationship with you.

    More so, it is disrespectful doing so in front of you at an event, flaunting her body, rubbing guy’s checks and dancing with everyone and doing all sorts of things to draw attention to herself. Some men will likely lead her on when she flirts with them and it is only a matter of time before she gives in. When a woman is taken, she totally eliminates all kinds of flirting in her life.

    The woman who never shows you off

    When you have shown so much interest in a woman and months passed you still haven’t met any important person in her life, this woman is obviously hiding you. You don’t know any of her friends; you barely know where she is working or her house. She wouldn’t give you much information and she will complain will you ask questions. If a woman cares about you, she wants everyone in her circle to know that you are her man. So if you are in a situation where a woman is not willing to show you off, then she must be hiding something and chances are that there are other people or person that she is dating and the relationship with you doesn’t mean much and you are side-cock.

    The women who lack attention

    Some women love attention, they crave attention from their significant other or partners and if you are one of those guys who believes that ‘oh I have finally found this woman and I don’t need to work hard to keep her then you are mistaken because women need attention and constant reassurance. They need words of affirmation and of cause you need to know the kind of love language that your lover has so that you can give it to her straight.

    As fickle or unimportant it may sound to you that she likes attention, make sure to give her that attention in normal ways without overdoing it so that it doesn’t look creepy. When you can’t give it to her, there are many possibilities that she will cheat on you with another guy who does.

  • Pushing a good woman to her limit

    Pushing a good woman to her limit

    By Tope Abiara

    In celebration of Valentine’s Day, my organisation held an outstanding program which comprised of the singles and couples. There was a question that was raised for the male singles, which received some interesting answers and I thought it would be great to share it with our readers.

    Here’s the question: “If you, as a guy, lose a very good lady due to your ignorance and negligence; then you tried every step possible to win her back but it’s not working, what else could be done for her to give you another chance since you have now realized your mistake?”

    In all sincerity, I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of the responses we received to this question. We were able to give room to three guys to answer because we wanted to keep to time and incredibly, all the three guys mentioned that this question describes their personal experience.

    Each guy, who is not in any way related to the other, confessed that he has once lost a very good lady due to ignorance and negligence; and just as described in the question, he tried all his best to reconcile with her, after having realised his mistakes but all his efforts were to no avail.

    One of the men mentioned how he pleaded severally with the lady but she wouldn’t bulge. Hmmm… Well, in order not to be one-sided, I asked that we hear from some ladies that were part of the program of their views and what they would do, if placed in such a situation. The response of every lady was that she wouldn’t give him another chance, no matter how much he pleaded.

    The above was half- surprising to me, maybe because I thought if a woman loves a man, no matter what, she would always take him back; but then I remembered that I’ve always known and said this quote by an unknown author “Men are quicker to leave, but usually always return. Women take longer to think if they should leave, but if they leave they never return.”

    What a true statement! Most times, guys tend to take good ladies for granted, it’s very common as there’ s the mindset that she will always be there and that there are several ladies out there for him. After taking her for granted for so long, the lady will give an ultimatum and leave when there’s no change. It is a truth that has been seen many times.

    It happens a lot in marriages, wives suffering with their husbands, keeping it all a secret, for no one to know, acting like all is perfect in the home, yet the husband wouldn’t appreciate this virtue in his wife. In fact, some men would be involved in infidelity many times, most men will leave their wives for another woman and return years later, because their wives have better characters than the other woman; most often, the wives will take them back – perfect description of what a lot of our mothers went through.

    However, with all these, a woman sometimes comes to the point of “enough is enough” and she leaves; the moment she leaves, I promise you, she doesn’t return, I’ve seen it happen many times. My surprise here was it happens alike in relationships, which reminded me of one of my clients currently, despite that age is not on her side and not in a committed relationship, she has her former partner begging profusely to be back in a relationship with her.

    My client is so adamant that she doesn’t care how much he professes that he has changed, she is not interested, she is not getting back to a relationship with him though she once loved him deeply. My point is this, if you’ve got a good woman, don’t wait till you lose her before trying to do right by her.

    Granted, there are several women out there but each one is unique and the character that is beneficial to you in one, may not be found in another. Don’t push a good lady away, she may not necessarily be there forever, there’s a push limit for every individual, don’t take her there, the moment she’s there, there’s no going back; would you say your peace of mind is worth the risk of losing her?

    Don’t take your chances; the peace, the joy, the progress associated with having a good woman as a wife is indescribable, don’t wait until she leaves before you attempt to become the best man she wants you to be, do it today.

    • Abiara is President of Love & Family Foundation (also known as Love Clinic), a professional marriage & family counselor, a relationship expert with 17- year experience as well as a Master’s degree in the field.

  • Can you force someone to love you?

    Can you force someone to love you?

    By Tope Abiara

    About 13 years ago, I was privileged to counsel a very beautiful woman of 60 years old; it is rare to have such a beauty at that advanced age. She was a divorcee, doing well for herself. She was deeply in love with a man who was a widower and just 2 years older than her. She was very much in love with him but the feeling wasn’t mutual.

    She was ready to do anything for him in the name of love, she went above and beyond to please him. The man led her on, there wasn’t really any solid definition about their relationship but he truly acted the part of being her partner, to the extent of moving to her neighborhood; he actually moved to the house adjacent to hers.

    My client put in a lot of efforts to make the relationship work, she would cook for him, cater for him, assist him financially as needed; the man, on his part, would show great love and care to her one week while he would stay completely to himself the following week, with his actions towards her barely like that of acquaintance; it was very confusing for her.

    My 60 years old client would cry and cry during counseling, wondering what else to do to win his heart completely. She had been selfless with him in their undefined relationship and she was willing to love him unconditionally. She dreamt of their wedding day, her wedding outfit, the venue etc.

    Then came an unbelievable shock, She came home one day and met another woman in his house, the man’s new girlfriend. She was dumbfounded, she couldn’t ask any question. The new woman started to frequent the man’s house, she would see her coming and going, staying and sleeping over at this man’s house (remember they were neighbors); my client was devastated but guess what, the man didn’t attempt to offer her any explanation, I don’t think he believed he owed her any explanation, I believed he felt she should just move on, which was hard for my client because she really put everything into the relationship; her heart was in too deep.

    My client felt betrayed and used. Her cries were endless, she couldn’t be consoled. I felt helpless; I was only able to hold back my tears while she was crying profusely because of my professional ethics. She asked me where she had gone wrong, she wanted to know, so she could avoid such in the future. I didn’t see her fault, well maybe she could have asked for a definite definition of their relationship.

    It was at that point, though early in my professional career, that I learned that “love doesn’t know an age, it cuts across all ages; when you fall in love, you become a giggling teenager no matter how old you are. It sparks a youthful life in you. Love is definitely beautiful but if the person you love does not love you in return, it is far from beautiful.

    Please stop forcing it, especially with Valentine’s Day approaching. Love is not enforced. It comes naturally. If you enforce love, you will spend the better part of your life wishing to be loved, stop chasing shadows, stop making excuses for that man, or that woman when it’s so obvious that you’ve given your heart to someone who doesn’t appreciate it; leave him/her alone, it may seem difficult right now but it would be the best decision you will ever make.

    Being single will save you thousand times more stress than being with the wrong person. The wrong person will not bring out the bright light of life within you, rather he/she will dim the light.

    My client later met another man, who cared deeply for and adored her; he was very loving to her. I was a guest at their beautiful wedding.

    Remember, there’s somebody who would do anything to make you happy. That’s the person who’s worth your love, worth your heart and your selflessness and please, make sure your relationship is verbally defined.

    Abiara M.A, is a marriage and family Counsellor.

    Contact info: WhatsApp 09021117273

    FB/IG/Twitter: LoveClinicNG

    www.topeabiara.org Info@topeabiara.org

  • What men and women think after sex (2)

    What men and women think after sex (2)

    By Funmi Akingbade

    Last week we started an extensive thought-provoking discussion: we started enumerating what actually goes on in the minds of partners shortly after sex.

    Many partners in relationships are eager to travel down memory lane with their loved ones immediately after sex. This is based on the quest to know whether their partners professed love and commitment is actually a reality or a mirage.

    Dating partners or intending couples are not left out either. As a matter of fact, the quest to know what is in the after thoughts of their partner’s mind matters to them.  The urge to know what the guy/girl is thinking shortly after sex has been a searchlight to the significance of such relationship. It has helped lots of ‘about to be married’ partners make decisions about the relationship they are involved in. It has even helped prevent and avert a potentially doomed marriage.

    When a guy is only interested in a sexual intimacy and not a committed relationship, one cardinal signal is his thought shortly after sex – especially in a one night stand situation. Once he is done with all of ‘that’ the next thing he does is stare at the ceiling with thoughts raging in his mind about when the right time to say goodbye is.

    Or which is the right way to stop seeing the girl or how can he get such free sexual favour over and again without been trapped. He is mostly concerned about the right time that would make her feel less bad. Sometimes, certain guys might not really want to end things if they believe the girl in question is willing to freely give sexual favours; they play along till they are ready to change sex partners.

    At this crucial time it important for the girl to cunningly and shrewdly ask in a very funny way what the guy is actually thinking about. When he is caught unaware with such questions his reaction, facial expression, body movement and verbal expression or remark will definitely give him away.

    However, some guys are so smart and could outwit the girl and pretend they are in a relationship for real. Close observation is needed here. So, it is important for the lady to watch out for some unconscious remarks, jokes, expression, movement and telephone conversations.

    Some other guys who are indecisive may be ready for commitment and marriage may be wondering what step they should be taking next? Should he be calling her up to ask for another date? Should he be making conversations with her on a daily basis? Should he make his intention of commitment to her known? Can sex be the true measure of her commitment? How should he behave with her now that they have had quenched their physical thirst?

    At this stage a girl in love should try and start a sincere soul searching conversation with him so as to be able to measure the level of his commitment. Many times girls make the mistake of thinking that sexual relationship prior to marital commitment makes the relationship solid. I do not think so because there may be nothing left to the imagination any  more.

    Sexual encounters between the married seal the bond of intimacy more than imagined, but such encounters between singles ‘intending to get married’ sours the union. Some relate tales of endangered health, betrayed trust. Sex is never a good measure of commitment in a relationship. Rather than help reveal the true love that should exist between dating lovers, it most times mars their sense of judgment.

    Sex is a means to an end and not an end itself. So it must be handled with every atom of carefulness; it must never be put up as bait for a good relationship.

    The primary test of commitment is to look out for real love because everyone wants to loved and be loved. Even in a marriage relationship great sex life between husband and wife does not connote or mean a great marriage, but rather an established loving companionship.

    While dating as singles don’t jump the process and make sex a yardstick for a good relationship. It is better not to be involved than be in one where sex is only the activity of the day. Singles who are dating must be convinced that the relationship is by choice and not by force.

    Any partner that forcefully demands sex and tenders such as condition for commitment is an abusive partner. Dating relationship is about friendship and not just sexual passion. When a partner in a relationship does not see reason for complete commitment he or she is not expected to be in that relationship.

    Marriage is not for girls and boys because they always want opportunity without responsibilities. And when talking about responsibilities age is irrelevant when it comes to maturity, because growing up is not the same thing as growing old and mature.

    There is more at stake in a relationship than just two people trying to meet one another sexual needs all the time. It is far more complex than that. Your mature look at things and ability to withheld immediate gratification is what qualifies you for such. So when next time as a single in a dating relationship you’re trying to imagine the thoughts of your partner, first ask yourself if the relationship is worth the sexual sacrifices or not.

    I love to conclude by asking if you are worried about your sexual health. If you are experiencing a diminished libido, or mid-life sexual crisis, loss of erection, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or weak erection, or you can’t last long in sex as desired, or you are experiencing problem with sperm cells, you are not far from total freedom. Just email or give me a call.

    QUESTION ONE

    My wife gave birth to a set of twins five years ago after which she developed these horrifying varicose veins that get enlarged year in year out. The moment I look at her legs and arms I get irritated and nauseated. It so repulsive I have tried to make her wear stockings and the likes yet the sight of it does not make me ask her for sex. It appears as if earthworms are crawling all over her. We have tried all we can and she’s afraid of surgery. Are there natural ways to handle this?

    Running away from her will make things worse. You need to know that healthy veins carry blood to the heart through a series of one-way valves. These valves allow blood to flow in the right direction from superficial veins to deeper veins and to the heart. The vessels are surrounded by muscles which contract and help pump blood to the heart. Normally the veins have a one-way valve to prevent backflow. However, defective valves allow blood to flow backward and pool inside the vein. As blood pools within the vein, pressure builds and the vessel wall weakens. As a result, the vein tends to bulge and twist. Depending on the size of the blood vessel and extent of swelling, the result is a varicose vein. They can be spider like or larger blood vessels that have become swollen and twisted. This problem is common in people with jobs that keep them on their feet, such as nurses and teachers. Sometimes it may be due to aging, obesity, pregnancy, trauma, or surgery to the leg and some other times it may be hereditary; mostly women are more victims than men.

    Varicose veins could actually be an eyesore and also painful for the victim, but there are natural remedies, beside using support stockings that help improve circulation and relieve pain and discomfort in the legs. Losing weight and walking regularly can ease the symptoms. Eating a low-salt diet to reduce water retention is very important. Whenever possible, propping up the legs with a pillow or recliner, so they rest at or above the level of the heart reduce the effect totally.

    Getting plenty of exercise is one of the best ways to keep weight under control and leg muscles toned, so blood will flow freely. Stretching your leg muscles often improves circulation and whenever she is pregnant again remind her to sleep on her left side rather than her back.

    QUESTION TWO

    I am always having toilet disease which always makes me have pain during sex, especially when am aroused. It is so painful and because of the frequent re-occurrences I do not use public toilet whatsoever – even outside the country. Still I must use some medications for this condition every week. What can I do?

    Sometimes all you need to do is understand your vulva make up and how to naturally care for it. Vulva is the name applied to the female external genitals as a whole. As a woman becomes aroused the entire vulva becomes engorged with blood, resulting in swelling and darkening of the external genitals. The result of this swelling is much like a water bed, touching any place causes ripples of sensation throughout the whole area. But when it painful due to toilet disease you may lose sensitivity. So try and desist from using anti-bacterial soaps or body washes in that area. This is because anti-bacterial soaps can kill the good bacteria in that part of the body and can open you up to infections. Washing with warm water alone is enough. If you must wash with soap, then use very mild soap and make sure you rinse very thoroughly to get rid of any traces of soap.  Avoid douching. This is the process of forcing water or other liquid into the vaginal cavity to flush away vaginal discharge. This actually causes more harm than good and so should be avoided. After using the toilet, always wipe from front to back, never from back to front. This is so you don’t introduce harmful bacteria from the anus to the vulva area. If you play around with food or drinks in that area during sex, you might want to stop. This is because sugar found in these foods or drinks can cause irritations down there so avoid such. Then always wear panties with cotton lining to allow vulva breath and prevent dampness. This means you have to pay more attention to the type of panties you buy. Make sure its cotton.

     QUESTION THREE

    Can virgins catch STDs?

    Yes, they can. Many STDs spread through any type of sexual activity, including skin-to-skin contact and oral sex. This is especially true of STDs that produce genital lesions or sores.

    QUESTION FOUR

    I was recently sent packing when my husband discovered that it was my breast pictures I sent to his Blackberry smart phone. It’s embarrassing for me to tell his family that he sent me out of the home for this reason. Do you have a way out for me?

    Calm down, there is always a way out. I think you should do all you can to get his forgiveness; plead, beg and send people you think he holds in high esteem to him to reason with him. Make sure you do not defend yourself for any reason, just plead guilty. I am sure it’s a matter of time before he calls you back after he has cooled off. Sometimes in the bid to do something sexy and crazy we may go overboard. That is we should think twice before applying some of the sexual tricks we read or hear about before applying it in our marriage bed. It’s nice to act and look sexy. It’s nice to be proactive and innovative, but first and foremost you must understudy your partner, spouse or mate closely before applying some of these sexual tricks because it’s different strokes for different folks. We should never forget that the beliefs and cultural background of your spouse could affect their sexuality.