The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

Inside Niger’s miracle centre where ‘witches’ are stripped naked
By Justina Asishana
- Self-styled prophet subjects residents accused of witchcraft to inhuman treatment
- His actions pure abuse of human rights — Activist
- LG chair reveals plans to banish him from domain
- Rights abuse allegations not true says Aide
Videos of gross abuse of human rights in a so-called miracle centre in Mokwa, Niger State have been trending on social media in the past two months. They include those of men and women stripped naked after they were accused of witchcraft. Bizarre scenes in the videos include women being forced to confess their alleged evil deeds at gunpoint and men being forced to urinate on one another.

The opening scene in one of the videos features two men fighting naked while a singer described as the healer Mallam sings for them. The two men engage each other in a fight until they became tired, after which they were made to confess their sins. In one of the confessions, someone is seen in the background slapping the confessor until he admitted to being a wizard. The other man who “refused to confess completely” was given another opponent to continue fighting with.

The two men who were fighting in the opening scene and gave their names as Danjuma and Mohammed are also made to dance naked while the self-styled healer Mallam throws sachets of ‘pure water’ at them.

Another scene features two women who within seconds were stripped naked while every attempt they made to cover their nakedness in front of a mammoth crowd was rebuffed. Even one of the naked women who tried to cover her face was prevented from doing so as she was forced to remove the hands she masked her face with.

Another scenario saw an old woman being tortured with a stun gun to confess that she is a witch. The woman, who looks like one in her 80s, is seen being stunned in the back to force her to confess that she is a witch.

The foregoing are only a tip of the violation of human rights being perpetrated by Hassan Muhammad Nnafene Patigi who claims to be a prophet with the ability to heal all kinds of diseases, including stroke, leprosy, blindness, deafness, and dumbness, as well as provide remedies for infertility, kleptomania, and stillbirth, among others.

It was gathered that Patigi first arrived in Mokwa with claims that he could heal all kinds of illnesses and make barren women productive; a claim that endeared him to many of the town’s residents. This, The Nation learnt, he did for some time before he veered into branding people as witches, stripping them naked, and compelling them to admit that they are witches.

patigi

Patigi is then said to make the accused persons undergo all manner of obnoxious treatments like asking people to urinate in their mouths, stoning them with sachet water, and causing them to fight themselves naked in public.

Patigi is also accused of asking those who are searching for the fruits of the womb to bring the sum of N11,000 and make them count the money repeatedly until they are exhausted. The women are then made to hold hands with their husbands for hours before they give the money to Patigi who would pray on it and ask them to come back to collect the money after some days.

Those who give birth to stillborns or witness premature births are made to count charcoals until they are exhausted while those in need of spouses are made to count stones until they are fagged out.

Mokwa residents no longer at ease with him

The foregoing deeds of Patigi were said to have been tolerated by Mokwa residents until he began to brand people as witches and wizards, on account of which many began to suspect his credentials as the Mallam or Sheikh he claimed to be.

Some Mokwa residents who spoke with our correspondent said they were no longer comfortable with Patigi’s style, especially his use for vulgar languages and how he seems to always single out women to torture and taunt them.

One of the residents, who identified himself as Kasim Umar, said that the self-styled prophet had tortured a lot of people in his presence as one of those who go to watch them tortured or humiliated until it dawned to him that what the ‘prophet’ was doing was not right.

Umar said: “Hassan (Patigi) tortures old women, married women, young girls and men accused of witchcraft with shocking gadgets. He hauls sachet water at them when they refuse to say what he wants to hear.

“He asks some of his boys to beat them with sticks and even strip them naked. When he does some of these things, people think it is funny, so they laugh at the victims.”

A woman who gave her name as Saida believes that it is wrong for Patigi to force people to confess to practising witchcraft, saying that she no longer goes to the arena to watch the shows.

She said: “Everything he is doing or has done is not Islamic. Hassan would ask for the music to be played by his DJs. How can someone who calls himself a prophet go about with DJs? Sometimes, he would ask that a beat be played without lyrics and he would sing to it. It is not Islamic at all.

“When the music is played, he goes around dancing and those who are apparently hypnotised are pushed outside and made to undertake shameful acts. I wonder how people that are made to do undergo these would live with other members of their community without being taunted or embarrassed.”

•WOMEN COUNTING CHARCOAL GAVE BIRTH PREMATURELY OR HAD STILL BIRTH; THOSE COUNTING STONES ARE LOOKING FOR HUSBANDS; CHILDREN

Uthman Mokwa, one of the cameramen engaged to cover his activities, has had to pull out when the scenes were becoming too obscene. Mokwa, who said he was never Patigi’s supporter, said he withdrew his services because he could no longer bear the sights that confronted him on a daily basis.

Explaining Patigi’s mode of operation, Mokwa said: “Whenever he claims to be doing healings, he would point towards the gullible miracle seekers and turn in a circle while standing on a table. Sometimes, he claims to be using his eye contact to heal people.

“After doing it for about five minutes, he would ask those who had been healed to come out for testimonies. His boys will then give such people the microphone to tell the crowd how they were feeling before and how they are feeling now.

“If any of them says he or she did not feel better, he would chase them out of the line and ask me to delete that part from my camera.

“My major problems with him are, first, the torturing of people accused of witchcraft. I was moved to tears seeing the way an old woman who said she was not a witch tortured and asked to confess. Hassan (Patigi) stood by, watching her being tortured. As young as I am, under that condition of torture and helplessness, I would confess to anything.

“My second problem is the way he strips people naked. These people are human beings and it is wrong.”

Prophet or lawbreaker?

Dawod Usman, a journalist who also trained as a lawyer, said that everyone has his or her own perspective about the controversial mallam, adding that his condemnation is based on the weight of one’s justifications.

Speaking about the legal implications of Patigi’s activities, Usman said that what is happening at the miracle centre is nothing but “a massacre of human dignity, considering the that human dignity is a central objective and normative value system established by the Constitution, which is also epicenter to the preamble of Universal Declaration of Human Right 1946.”

He stressed that the human rights basically means that every Nigerian has a right not to be subjected to torture or inhuman/degrading treatment, and no Nigerian should be held in circumstances that amount to slavery or servitude.

He said: The Northern Nigeria penal system where Hassan Patigi is staging witchcraft “exorcism” expressly provides in Section 216 (a) of the Penal Code Law of Northern Nigeria that: ‘whoever by his statement or actions represents himself to be a witch or to have the power of witchcraft, shall be punished with imprisonment which may extend to two years or with fine or with both. By virtue of the above provisions, witchcraft is a punishable offence in the Northern Nigeria penal system.

“However, Hassan Patigi is not recognised by any law as a judicature or judgeship to administer such law whatsoever. And it implies that any pronouncement made by Hassan on any person whatsoever is inconsistent with any provisions of the law, and to the level of that inconsistency is null and void.

“Any Magistrate court, Area court or Upper Area Court in the northern part of Nigeria, including the Federal Capital Territory, is a proper venue for commencing an action against a witch in that the penal code is applicable only in this region as opposed to the Southern, Western and Eastern part of Nigeria where criminal code is in operation.

“Hassan Patigi Miracle Centre Mokwa is, therefore, a non-jurisdictional place to entertain and administer justice on any offences of any ruling whatsoever. Just like any other criminal activity in the northern part of Nigeria, an action against a witch can be instituted by First Information Report or Direct Criminal Complaint. The second mode is applicable in other northern parts of Nigeria except the FCT).

Old woman accused of witchcraft

“It is worthy of note that stripping an alleged witch naked before a large crowd of spectators is not only diabolical by the civility of all the international and domiciliary law put together against the violation of human rights and dignity of the human person, it is socially deplorable, societally condemnable, logically despicable, humanly intolerable and legally actionable.

“Among all the laws that regulate humanity and human transaction, the law that upholds human dignity is “sui generis” that is classical in its own kind. Therefore, every human being needs to enjoy decency of living devoid of any modicum of deprivations except one occasioned by the instrumentality and supremacy of the law.”

We told Patigi he’s acting against the rule of law – LG chair

No longer comfortable with Patigi’s activities and the way he conducts his services, the Mokwa Local Government Council may ask him to leave the council to somewhere else. Our correspondent gathered that he has already been invited to the council secretariat several times for issues bordering on his conduct.

The Chairman of Mokwa Local Government Area told The Nation that what Patigi is doing is clearly against the rules of the government, especially the gathering of large crowds, which he said is against the preventive measures taken by the government against COVID-19.

He said that several letters had been written to the Mallam and the District Head of the community where he carries out his activities and they had been invited for a meeting.

“When he came, he said he was giving help to the people. We have no problem with that, especially if people need help. But now, with the complaints we have received, he is going beyond the stipulated rules and we won’t accept it.

“We are doing our best to see that the rights of our people are intact. We will not fight him, we will only dialogue with him, and if he refuses to change his ways, we will allow the law to take its course. If he wants to practice, it has to be within the rules and regulations of the state and the confines of human rights.

“We have sent a letter to him and we have invited him to come for a meeting. I will let you know the outcome of the meeting when it is held.”

We’ve not delved into the matter yet – Emirate

The Secretary of the Emir of Bida and the Etsu Nupe, Abdulmalik Usman, told The Nation that the palace was yet to delve into the matter, although several complaints about the activities of Mallam Patigi have got to the palace.

Usman debunked insinuations that the palace invited Hassan to warn him about his activities, stating that the only time Hassan came to the palace, he came to pay homage to the Etsu Nupe.

He said: “The palace has not invited Hassan (Patigi), but several complaints have been received about him.

“There was a time he came to Bida and paid a courtesy call to the Etsu Nupe in the palace. Because of the busy schedule of the Emir, he couldn’t see him in good time. He waited, and after some time, he saw His Royal Highness, greeted him and he left.

“There are lots of complaints about his activities and people say there are videos flying around, but I haven’t seen the videos yet. They said he strips women naked, I have only been hearing these but I haven’t seen any video yet.” The Palace Secretary said the Emirate might not invite him because he is not from the Emirate.

“If the Etsu Nupe wants to call him to order, he will send to the Emir of the place of where he comes from and tell his Emir to call him to order,” he said.

It is purely traditional matter, says DG, Religious Affairs

The Director-General of Religious Affairs in Niger State, Dr. Faruk Abdullahi, told The Nation when he was contacted regarding his agency’s stand on the issue, that the issue is purely traditional and not religious.

“From the position of my agency, what we see here is a traditional issue and not a religious issue. My agency deals with religious issues and not traditional issues,” he said.

Men accused of witchcraft stripped naked

He also confirmed that he had been getting a lot of calls regarding the issue, wondering why people were calling him instead of the security agencies or the government.

“I wonder why people keep calling me. What is happening in Mokwa is not within our jurisdiction and for that (reason), we cannot delve into it.”

Allegations of human rights abuse not true — Patigi’s aide

Our correspondent made frantic efforts to get Patigi to speak about his activities and the various allegations leveled against him and to ask if he knows that his activities were a violation of human rights, but the efforts yielded no result.

After repeated efforts made to have an audience with him, one of his aides assured that the reporter would be able to meet Patigi on October 1. Unfortunately, it rained heavily on that day before the reporter could depart Minna for Mokwa, rendering the Minna-Bida and Minna-Zugeru-Bida roads impassable. The reporter was forced to disembark after sitting in the vehicle for more than three hours.

Reaching out again to the aide identified by Truecaller as Mohammed Mokwa, he said that he was not in a position to speak on the matter. He, however, said the allegations against Patigi were not true.

The Reporter asked to speak to Patigi on the phone, and she was asked to call back later. When she eventually did, she was told that the Patigi would only speak with her physically. The reporter’s explanation about the conditions of the road from Minna to Mokwa did nothing to change Mokwa’s stance as he insisted that Patigi would only speak with her physically.
October 10, 2020
When you are the other woman

VERA CHIDI-MAHA

LIFE as a mistress or the other woman generally is not fun all the way. Some ladies become secret lovers to their men not really by choice, but by chance.

For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress, please, don’t wait until you know what the situation is before you judge.

Speaking on this, a friend, who I will simply call Agatha, has this to say, “I am not a home breaker or a seductress. The man I am dating now has been married for 18 years. We have been in this relationship for two years. He fulfils a lot of obligations to his wife.

“I know he loves her and our relationship does not in any way distort or threaten his marriage. At my age, it is difficult to get a single man to date, and to keep myself happy, I have continued with this guy. He and I were best of friends before we became intimate. He is there for me.

“Most of my nights are cold and lonely because of his obligations to his family. He only sees me when he likes or when he has a misunderstanding with ‘madam.’ He would be at my place to cool off. For now, it is okay by me”.

Another lady, Funmi, spoke in a similar vein. “I am a lady who has been having an affair with a married man who is deeply in love with me. We met many years ago as good friends when I was 23. Then, I was married. I later broke up with my violent and abusive partner.

“I moved away and tried to rebuild my life. Years later, I heard through our mutual friend that this man still adored me. He married his wife because his family put pressure on him because she got pregnant in the course of dating.

“He always told anyone that cared to listen that I was the woman he would have loved to marry. He is very handsome and women loved to flock around him. Now that we are back together, that deep attraction is still there. My life as a mistress is lonely and very unfulfilling. Love making is great and that is the only benefit of the relationship I enjoy.

“I know he listens to me. He has promised that we might have a future together. I told him in the beginning that I would rather walk away than to hurt his family; and I mean it because his happiness is important to me. I am sure that soon, it will all be over.”

For Helen, the story is not much different. “Yes, I am dating a married man and I know the society does not agree with it, but I know why I’m doing it. I truly believe we are meant for each other, and I would stay in the relationship for as long as fate permits.

“He is my best friend, but fate does not want us to be husband and wife and life can be really unfair. I still have single male admirers and who knows. Maybe one day I will find someone else. But it has really been a bitter sweet relationship and I hope we can remain friends for life”.

Kate said: “There is no big deal about being the other woman. ‘Sometimes, it is heaven on earth and sometimes, it could really be hell. My man friend is every lady’s dream.

“The most memorable thing he did for me was when he bought me a detachable bungalow in the heart of Surulere and guesses what. He bought it in my name. The nightmare, however, started when his wife got to know about our relationship. She has since been threatening fire and brimstone.

“When her threats became unbearable, I had to put the house up for rent and I have since relocated to Ikeja. We still see from time to time. It’s not the best thing, but I have decided to stay on because half bread is better than none”.

Though Chi acknowledges the fact of her relationship to him, it does not necessarily have to end in marriage. “I would never compromise the children of a marriage, nor would I convince a straying husband into deserting his family. We mistresses don’t get the best part of the deal. We get the lies and false promises and in most cases, insecurity”.

Uche dated a man for more than six years before she eventually got married. “I was a mistress for well over six years, but thank God, today, I am somebody’s wife. I have many reasons to thank God. I am grateful to God because though the six years were fulfilling, but my guy’s marriage was threatened. God saved it.

“I would have lived to regret it. So, many times, I tried to call it off, but to no avail. He paid my fees throughout my university years. He was really nice to me and my family, but he was really possessive. He would not see me with any male friend or course mate.

“In my quiet moment, I used to pray that one day, an end must come to the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I really had a wonderful time, but as a woman with conscience, I became worried about his wife in my sober reflection. I used to wonder what she was going through since her husband spent practically all his spare time with me. Country, on a wife-hunting mission, and he consulted my sugar daddy who recommended me to his nephew.

“Thankfully, today we are married with a baby on the way. I say thankfully because my guy almost ruined the whole show. During my wedding, he could barely take his eyes off me, and when he gave us a car gift, he personally ensured he gave me the keys with a hug and a seductive wink at me which unfortunately my husband noticed. We argued about it for weeks before I was able to argue my way out of it. I have since kept my distance from my former guy because I don’t trust that we will be innocent when left alone”.

Kenny is now a born-again Christian and believes her past should stay that way. “I am now a born-again Christian. Whatever I did in the past belongs to the past. It is over. My affair with my married lover was not originally planned. You see, he did not tell me he was married initially. I was in a higher institution, while he was a senior lecturer in the school. Let me spare you the details of how we met, but it was really love at first sight.

“Unknown to me, his family was based in faraway Warri. It was on one of my usual home keeping chores that I stumbled on his wedding album. Again, I will spare you the details of how he explained it away with tears streaming down his eyes.

“What finally brought me to my senses was when I attended a vigil with some friends. As if the pastor was talking to me directly, he started preaching on the consequences of adultery. He went further to say that if you are a woman and you are living with a man that is not your husband, you should leave. Well the rest as they is history”.

Christy said she had been in both situations–the wife and the mistress. “As an adult, you are responsible for your actions. As a wife, it was very easy for me to become over emotional and be filled with hatred for the mistress to justify staying with my ex-husband who hurt me deeply. It is always easier to stay when someone else is to blame.

“Mistresses are the hidden ones. We are not treated the way men treat their wives. Since we have accepted to be mistresses and always staying in the shadows, it can be really lonely and frustrating”.

For Folake, being a mistress is such an easy role to play, if you understand the rules. “You get all the sweet, flirty romantic part. You have great sex, then they go away and you don’t have to deal with their bad moods or wash dirty socks and so on. Being a mistress is really fun for me”.

My comment

Ladies, as difficult as it is to keep that other woman away completely, there are things you can do. If you don’t want your man to cheat, never let him get bored. Always make yourself attractive.

The minute he realizes that you are putting effort into looking attractive all the time, that alone will keep him on his toes and his mind always on you.

It’s about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but it’s what needs to be done if you want to keep him from straying from home.

October 10, 2020
When deception is an issue in relationship

By Rois Ola

Earlier this week, I got a call from a very good female friend and she asked me some questions on when it would be okay for a woman or man to lie to their partner. I refused to directly respond to her question. I haven’t been blessed with telling lies and getting away without punishments. So I would rather just say the truth.

There is no time lying is okay , no time, it always comes out , and lying to someone close to you hurts them and hurts you. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner? And hiding those things eventually destroys trust.

Two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden part of going against the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal in terms of an affair or hiding other sensitive information is highly unethical. So most times when people get angry when a partner cheats, it is not because of the affair, but because of actions that lead to it, the secrets and lies that build gradually around the affair.

Lying is a very dangerous behavior, especially when infidelity is involved. It shatters trust and reality, spoiling any positive aspect of your relationship. Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. It all leads to sad realizations for the deceived partner, knowing or finding out that you have been living a secret life.

When you go through great lengths to deceive anyone, it shows how your level of moral decadence has hit you. Keeping a damaging secret destroys your partner’s sense of reality, although we do not have control over their emotions. It is true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.

When we teach children that it is wrong to lie, and yet as older people we do exactly what we ask them not to do, who are we deceiving? The lines on telling lies and deception blur, as we get older, always finding excuses to keep the lies and deceptions justified. Most times, we get close to someone without setting boundaries. The issues we carry from our past weigh a lot on our behaviour and actions. Some habits are harmful and destroy things for both partners. At the end of the day, jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity can cause many problems with our partners.

Read Also: I lost five-year relationship over my music career – Ogyny

Once you start compromising yourself or denying who you are, then you are no longer living in reality of what your relationship is about. You need to first of all be honest with yourself and your partner. Lies will come up. The truth is we need to make honest decisions about our lives and not compromise our integrity. This is not to say that people should not expect their partners to be faithful, but rather that couples should try to maintain an open and honest dialogue about their feelings and their relationship. Anything less than this will cause resentment.

When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them, but to ourselves. If your partner can trust you, then they will be open enough to tell you their true feelings about yourself and others you may be attracted to. The more transparent you are, the better it is for you and your partner. The more you open up, the healthier you become in your relationship with your partner and other people. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.

For any relationship to be healthy, it has to be built on truth and honesty. Real freedom comes from making a choice on how you treat your partner, choosing to be honest every single day and keeping it real. Deception is one thing that should never be accepted or tolerated in a relationship.

There are so many types of deceptions (1) omission; (2) distortion; (3) half-truths; (4) blatant lies; (5) white lies; and (6) failed lies. Respondents rated their own and their partner’s use of each type of deception in terms of frequency. Whichever one is used at any point in time should never be accepted. It has a drastic impact on any relationship as the cycle of lies deepens.

It destroys trust

Possibly the most noticeable effect that deception has on a relationship is the washing-away of trust; trust cannot co-exist with falsehood; it crumbles. Trust is the pillar of any relationship. Once it crumbles, then that may be the end.

One lie leads to another lie

When you start telling small lies, it eventually leads to bigger lies. A destructive cycle may become difficult to break, when you get used to it. In addition, you need to keep up with the lies to cover previous lies. It is indeed a tough one.

It leads to poor health

When you deceive so much, it will eventually tell on your health.

With all this being said, lies and deception go hand in hand. Deception only brings pain, distrust and eventually doom because lies and deception can never stay hidden forever. The truth will, for sure, come out one day. So the best is being honest with your partner to have a healthy relationship because only the truth can set you free.

October 3, 2020
Are you in an abusive relationship?

By Vera Chidi-Maha

According to research findings, many domestic violence victims refuse to speak up because they fear being judged and pressured by others.

Years back, a video of domestic violence by Ray Rice and NFL linebacker dragging his fiancee, Janay Palmer, out of an elevator went viral and subsequently, he was accused of domestic violence.

He was formerly charged. In a twisted turn of events, he and his fiancee got married. The very next day, the waves of outrage that followed caused NFL to scramble, interestingly to increase their punishment of Ray Rice and conduct an internal review of other domestic violence policies.

The wife organised a press conference in defence of her now husband, apologising for her role in the abuse. People in general questioned her sanity, wondering why she would stay with a man that knocked her unconscious and even dared to defend him.

O.J. Simpson, who had a legal history of physically abusing, stalking and making death threats towards Nicole Brown, his estranged wife, was arrested and charged with murder. He was acquitted of all charges, but was found liable for both the deaths of his late estranged wife and her boyfriend in a civil lawsuit in 1997.

In the letter that later surfaced after her death, Nicole Brown Simpson narrated the abuse and torment she faced in her husband’s hands. Yet, she stayed for so long until she could no longer bear it. Eventually, when she got the courage to live, he stalked, hunted and killed her in cold blood. Monster in a human skin, he thought his expensive lawyers could get him out so easily because of his juicy career. He eventually lost it all just because he couldn’t control his temper.

The very recent incident which inspired this piece is the story of Sylvester Ofori, the Ghanaian pastor who shot his wife to death after five years of covered domestic violence.

Ofori shot Tommey many times and immediately fled the scene. He was later arrested by detectives of the Orlando Police Department. Police said a warrant was served at the suspect’s apartment and Ofori taken into custody. “You can tell that she’s trying to get inside (the credit union). Unfortunately, he killed her,” Police Chief Orlando Rolon said.

Read Also: Role of trust in relationship?

The two survivors of domestic violence I know are Mrs E and Mrs O. One is my aunt and the other is my friend. The story of Mrs E is a case of inferiority complex on the part of her husband. He beat her up at the slightest provocation. He beat her for not cooking on time. He beat her for children making noise. He beat her for not opening the door on time whenever she got back from work. He beat her for any and every reason until she left the marriage and never looked back. He pleaded to get her back in tears on his knees. He brought his family members to beg too, but she never looked back. Today, she is a happy woman living with her children and grandchildren.

Mrs O’s husband began to beat her the moment he discovered she could not give him a male child after she had their third daughter. The beating continued until his female children began to graduate one after the other.

The first graduated and became a doctor, the second daughter became a lawyer and the third daughter is still in her 300 Level.

On the day of the doctor’s wedding, her father was very proud of her.

Today, my dear friend is happy being a single mother. She had chosen life over death. Problem is sometimes the society adds to the problems the victims are facing, especially in Nigeria. Victims are stigmatised and labelled prostitutes when women decide to leave their abusive partners and opt for single life.

There are so many other reasons victims remain in abusive relationships.

Distorted thoughts

Being controlled is traumatising and this leads to confusion, doubts and even self- blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims. Some women even believe they deserve it. Some don’t believe verbal abuse is domestic violence because there are no scars.

Waiting to be a saviour

Some victims believe they can change perpetrators. Some stay on and die.

Fear

Some are just too scared to walk away. Too afraid to move on and leave the known for the unknown.

Children

So many victims stay because of their children. What happens to the kids?

Family expectations and experiences

People will make fun of you. My sister, run!

In conclusion, my counsel is stop trying to fix an abuser. Most of them will not stop once they start.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please run!

October 3, 2020
Why we can’t ban ‘agbero’ in Lagos – Hamzat

Lagos State Deputy Governor, Obafemi Hamzat, clocked 56 on September 19. To mark his birthday, he met with journalists and shared the story of his life, his encounter with Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu in the United States, how he joined party politics, the Lagos State Government’s efforts to tackle crime, traffic congestion, among others. ROBERT EGBE was there. Excerpts

The Lagos State Government banned commercial motorcycles from some roads recently and it threw many people out of work. Is the government considering re-permitting them to continue? There was also a rumour that the state was trying to set up its own commercial motorcycle business. Can you shed light on these?

We are not trying to set up our own. If you recall, we have a traffic law of 2010 that actually restricted ‘okadas’ (commercial motorcycles) and ‘Keke Maruwa’ (commercial tricycles) from 475 roads in Lagos. All the major high roads, expressways like the Lagos-Badagry, Funsho Williams, Alfred Rewane, and the bridges: Third Mainland Bridge and so on and so forth. So, that has always been there. What happened is that we went back to that, but we were as well noticing three things; the first is the usage of these tools by criminals, and secondly is even the rate of accidents. We have 27 general hospitals and close to 2500 private hospitals. But, forget about the private hospitals; for public hospitals, we were seeing enormous deaths on the average of 20 in a month, because of ‘Okada’ accident, not just injury but death. So, the question was what should we do? Also, a report by the National Drugs Law Enforcement Agency (NDLEA) stated that ‘Okada’ was being used for gang activities and that even primary school pupils were being used to carry drugs. So, no government will wait and say because people are making gain, the fact is you have to be alive to make money. If we had ignored the corruption of our children in primary school without doing anything, we would have been wrong. So, the ban was more because of security and protection of the environment and you would have noticed that it was not even across the state; it was for areas we were seeing that surge. One of the things we did was the release of the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) buses. Very soon, small buses will come in and then, of course, taxis. So, in building the taxis, one of the things we are trying to do is, how do we make sure that we are actually having production in Nigeria? So, we are talking to two companies and very soon you will see activities. How do we get vehicles that are made in Lagos and carrying Lagos’ name? The cars being produced here; we have our children working there, and we are also learning. So, it was more of building a bigger cake and stopping crime.

It is interesting you mentioned crime because one of the problems commercial motorists are confronted with daily is the issue of ‘agbero’. Drivers complain about their extortion and so on. No matter what the government does, it seems it has not been able to solve that problem. What are the current efforts towards that?

We have all agreed that we live by the constitution and laws. The National Union of Road Transport Workers (NURTW) is actually a union recognised by law. I know some people say ban them, but the government must also be careful. When you just say arbitrarily ban them, what stops you from saying I want to ban Nigerian Medical Association (NMA)? Do you understand? There are times government and NMA have issues; does that mean they should be banned? They are expressing their opinion. They might be wrong or right but they have the right to express those opinions. And then remember these people (NURTW) are Nigerians; they are our brothers and cousins. So, one of the things we have been telling them is that if you are the Chairman in Ajeromi and we see that there are all sorts of contraventions in Ajeromi, we will remove you as a Chairman. We are not banning your union but it means you are incompetent. So, that is the outcome of one of the meetings we had with them, that if there’s an infraction in any of the areas due to the executive in that area, then it should be dissolved. And then you know we complain about our society, why people fight on the road; we have all gone around the world and it is only here we see people fighting on the road and tearing clothes off themselves, why? That has to change, but changing that does not mean banning them. It is to make sure we find the time and interact with them, and say, ‘look this is how it works’. Remember during former (Governor Bola Ahmed) Tinubu’s administration when we started BRT; it was a tug of war, but we took the union to Colombia to see how the union there metamorphosed into owning the BRT and so a lot of those blue buses at that time were owned by the union. We said, ‘See you can send your children to school by this; this is a job you can say you are proud of.’ Surprisingly they paid back the loans for the buses quickly. The same thing is happening in the abattoir (business); people say they don’t want the machines, some of our brothers said it is un-Islamic that they want to kill the cow themselves. So, we went to Kenya and Tanzania and we saw Muslims killing in an automated way, and so they agreed. So, it is a matter of engaging people and letting them see the reason they need to change their attitude. That is our way of doing things, not just say put them away.

The Apapa traffic congestion has been with us for decades now. What is the status of the efforts to decongest the area?

It is a huge issue. One is that we (governments) have ‘concessioned’ our ports and that is something that is a legacy issue. In ‘concessioning’, there were mistakes. If you fly over the port you will see huge spaces that some of these trucks can go to, but it is a concessioner and you can’t just come and park in my own space. Those are the kinds of agreements that should have been part of the concessions that we did not do at that time as a people. Secondly, as an economy, we import a lot and don’t export much, so when these containers come in, let us say 3000 containers come in, probably only 200 go out. What happened to the remaining 2800 other containers? That is the challenge. At a time they were also charging them for not bringing back the containers. I think it is N15, 000 per day; so if I have 100 trucks and you charge me N15, 000 per truck and then I can’t bring it back for 10 days, you know that will kill those businesses. But also the Nigerian Ports Authority is a federal government institution, so we have to bring in the federal government. You can see that the governor and the Minister of Transportation recently came to Lagos. Those are parts of the efforts. We invited them to come and see the challenges and know what could be done. We have the Bola Ahmed Tinubu Trailer Park in Orile that was started some time ago, unfortunately, I think the proponents have gone into AMCON receivership, so, part of what we did was to reach an agreement with AMCON, NPA as well as the Lagos State Government whereby we can pay off those debts; that has just been finalised. Also, as I said, the BAT trailer park can take say, 3000 trucks at a time; so if they can park there, there can be a call-up system that takes them to Lilypond Terminal. And then of course we are talking with the Ogun State Government in Sagamu so that as people come, they first park in Sagamu and then maybe there to Orile. So, it involves a lot of stakeholders like the Shippers’ Council and everybody. So I believe we will resolve it soon. The reality from my experience, though it depends on different countries, the 10km radius of the port is always the responsibility of the port, that is the reality. I mean go to places like Hamburg, Frankfurt, or anywhere. We must have those kinds of changes so that the environment will be served well. And then our ports have been built for long, and as people, we keep growing, so our population is much now that the port can no longer serve us conveniently. That is why the Lekki Port we are building, hopefully, it is going to finish soon and we can transfer some of these things there and hopefully to Badagry Port. When all of these come up, then we can conveniently say we have resolved the issue, because the truth is, Nigeria loses about $1.8billion on those things. This we ought to have done long before now, but thankfully we are doing it now.

Your predecessors said there were plans to relocate the Mile 12 Market because it is causing serious traffic congestion on the Ikorodu Road. Is that still on the table?

There’s a plan to move them to Imota, but like you know everything in life changes, and a lot of people are also asking us how easy will it be for them to get to Imota? Again you must engage people. But the Imota Market is under construction; it is about 1000 hectares but 500 hectares is currently under construction. We were also there about six months ago. By the time we finish it, certainly, some things will be moved. Some are saying we should move the cattle market alone, but, as I said, the decision will be reached at the right time and we can then properly plan the Mile 12 Market and build stores instead of the mode currently used.

Some traders often complain that market leaders are imposed on them. They often refer to the Ìyál’ọ́jà and Babaloja systems. What is the state’s connection with this?

First of all, you need to understand that we are Yoruba. In our culture, we have Ìyál’ọ́jà because that is us, that is our culture. So, every market in Yorubaland has them because a market is an assembly place for us as a people. From the historical perspective of the Yoruba, many things apart from buying and selling happen. So, historically we have Ìyál’ọ́jà and ‘ Babaloja. We do not want to change our culture; I mean since it is not harming anyone. So, if a culture is sustainable, I see no reason why we have to change it.

I would like to take you back to the issue of motorcycles. Since the ban, has the crime rate reduced?

Well, there are statistics and it depends on which one you believe. For instance, the 2006 census revealed that Lagos is about 9 million-plus, but our own local census came up with a different figure larger than that. Like the issue of life expectancy of Nigerians said to be between 48 and 51. The question is who did this survey? So they (statistics) are there but which one do you believe? Firstly, the police stations confirmed this, like at Oshodi for instance, we were having a meeting and the DPO (Divisional Police Officer) said, ‘look my cells are empty.’ And as well like I said our 27 general hospitals confirmed this too.

At 56, what is your perspective of life?

My perspective of life is a function of how my father raised me. My father is the type that does not talk much, but there is one thing he always said in Yoruba which is ‘ To ju iwa e, esan o gbo ogun’ that is if you do good in life, that is exactly what you will reap. It doesn’t matter the number of times you go to church or mosque. What age also does for you is that it allows you to see many Christmases, meaning you see many events to either confirm or go against your belief. I think for me as I age, it confirms exactly that. Just be your brother’s keeper because whatever you sow so you shall reap. So, for me, that is basically the essence and it carries across everything in life.

We know Dr. Hamzat as a politician and a technocrat, how would you describe yourself?

I am a human being, but like I said, we all get influenced by our environment, our parents, our uncles, our cousins. So things we do in life affect us. My father was a politician, but at first, he was a banker and spent a lot of years in the North. He was the Regional Manager for IBWA then, International Bank for West Africa which I think it is now Union Bank or so. So when he came back from the North, he went into politics in Lagos and was in the House of Assembly for a while before he became a commissioner. At that age, I noticed that my father would make me write long minutes of meetings even though they would have typed it with a typewriter; he would still ask me to go and write it. I did not know the intent at that time but it allowed me to read the minutes of elders. So, of course, you are influenced by that and you always have it in mind. At times when I came back from school, I meet thousands of people in meetings without my father. So you get used to that and know that this is how politics is, but I never had a plan of becoming a politician. All I wanted to become, of course, like every one of us, was to be well educated and succeed. That was exactly what I was doing until I technically met ‘Asiwaju’. I was lucky; I was young when I had my Ph.D. I had my Ph.D. at 26 and I started working in the United States. I finished in England, after which I got a post-doctoral job in Saudi Arabia in 1991 and then I came back home to spend two or three months before going back. Although I got another one in Canada in a place called Saskatoon, the university specifically. It is a very cold place. I remember then the Registrar of my school, Anna De Winter, came back and said Quadri, I am not sure you will like it. And I went for the interview and it was very cold and I said ‘I can’t live here.’ So, I turned that down thinking I would go to Saudi Arabia. That was when the Gulf War started and they cancelled the whole thing and so I became stranded. I had turned down the Canadian offer, so I went back to my school and I was lucky my professor, Professor Clark, was just leaving the school to go to the United States so I followed him and that was how I left academics. I did not stay long in academics. I went to City Bank, because for my PhD I did more of computer analysis than engineering. So, I started doing IT stuff. I went to Morgan Stanley. That is how I met ‘Asiwaju’ one day when we were having a meeting and he came in as the Governor of Lagos State, of course I had heard about him from my father but I had never met him. So, after the presentation and I was the only black person and he said ‘Ha! Femi Hamzat. Which Hamzat is yours?’ And I said from Lagos State. He said ‘You are the son of my leader? ‘ki ni iwo n se ni bi? (What are you doing here?) and I said I needed to survive, that is it. One of the reasons why it was easy for me to come back was that my father’s birthday is June 13 and by June 12 Abacha’s government would have arrested all of them. By the 8th, 9th, and put them wherever they wanted to put them. It was a bit discouraging and that is how I decided to go and that was how I met ‘Asiwaju’ and the rest, as they say, is history. He knew what I was doing and he wanted to be sure, and that is when Lagos State was doing ERP implementation, what people called ‘Óracle’. He said ‘You know we are doing this and you are doing it overseas, why don’t you come home and help us complete it?’ I did not initially take it seriously, but he was putting pressure that he needed people who had done it overseas and did it well to come and do it. But I now said ‘Sir, I like to work in the private sector not necessarily government and that is what I know.’ So he organised and I had an interview with Oando, MTN, and Oceanic Bank. So, Oceanic and Oando took me but I went to Oando and from Oando we started implementation successfully and he said ‘You need to come and help us in Lagos and that is how I became a commissioner.’

September 28, 2020
OYINKANSOLA ALABI: How Bimbo Odukoya mentored me

Oyinkansola Alabi, popularly known as the Emotions doctor is the Founder of Emotions City based in Texas, USA. In this encounter with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about caring for people with emotional instability, writing her first book at 17 and being mentored by late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya.

Tell us about the inspiration and how it all started?

I have been on the journey for 17 years. I became an appointed pastor in July 2003, head of campus. Fellowship and I was pasturing one of the branches at that time. That was the beginning and when I finished school, I got back to Lagos to serve and I was ordained in church.

You must have worked with late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya?

Yes, I was one of her Protocol assistant. I have quite a handful of pictures with her on social media. I wrote a letter close to what would have been her 60th birthday, September 12th this year. I always say that there is really nothing I can really say that can encompass or encapsulate her personality.

How did you meet her?

It was when I wrote my first book at age 17 years and it was published on my 19th birthday titled the teenage Christian. I scribbled my thoughts and my mother packaged it as a birthday gift. So, Funmi Iyanda and Livi Ajuonoma had invited me for interviews. So, I was getting into the studio and Pastor Bimbo was stepping out of the studio. That was my first time ever but I had always seen her and admired her. So, she looked at me and said: ‘you are the young lady they said wrote a book. At that point, writing a book was a big deal because there was no social media. She asked who I was and just liked me. Then, she said come to my church and let’s have a conversation. I went to the church and finally had access to her. As soon as she saw me, she said young author and that was the name she called me till she died. We got talking and it was the first time, someone said I am interested in mentoring you. She was my first mentor. I was in another church and then I started going to her church. It was two months after that that I became appointed as pastor, I started the fellowship, streams of life in the University and I was a powerful force to reckon with. I remember one day that the vice chancellor called me to meet with me and we were student pastors who knew what they were doing.

Then Sosoliso crashed, it was the first time that I was hearing of Sosoliso. I never heard about the airline and then reality dawned on everybody. I spent three years with her and it was one of the best foundations I ever heard. She was a very kind person and when you say that you experienced God, she was a human being I particularly felt you could touch her love. When she needed to correct you, it was correction in love, not what people do now and attacks your self esteem. Pastor Bimbo always left you feeling better.

I used to visit her tomb for three years, then I used to bike from my house in Mushin and tell the bike man to wait for me. I will be there for about 30 minutes and I did that for three years. Then the spiritual relocation and everybody moved on. So, by the time she was gone I knew that there were so many things that she needed to proud of, things I said I would do. The most important was me still being a Christian and holding unto God because that particular incident shook me. I couldn’t board a local flight for five years. I boarded international flights but I had distrust for local flights. I also lost my only uncle in DANA crash, my mum’s brother. So, while I was recovering from Sosoliso, thinking as a therapist, I could do all my stuff, DANA happened.

At what point did you start caring about people’s emotions?

From being a school leader, I had always been interested in studying human behavior. I later discovered that it was called psychology. My first degree is in International relations. So, I decided that I was going to do my MSc. but I couldn’t afford it immediately. I started and had to stop in a UK University. I then got into life coaching. This looked like it but it wasn’t all that I was looking for, then I got into therapy, different schools, attending different courses. It was looking like it and finally I got into emotional intelligence. I went on to finish my Master’s and Doctorate is in progress. So, this is what I had always wanted to do, this is life. This is me in my natural zone. I have always wanted people to move from dissatisfaction to satisfaction, from meaningless to meaningful. I have always wanted to make people happy and fulfilled.

How did you arrive at the name Emotion city?

One of the things I did was to spend four years in Brand school and I have an idea of personal branding. I have a knack for creating names, names that are unique. I came up with the name Emotions doctor when I wanted to stop my MSc. But I had always wanted to be a doctor. So, I told myself that I needed to have a reminder in my head. I bought a stethoscope and I said every time I see the stethoscope, I would remind myself what I should do, what doctors, do.

Talking about depression, COVID-19 brought a lot of cases, how do you come in here?

I actually did a research report on the effect of COVID-19 on the emotional stability of Nigerians and also in Africa. COVID-19 was something we never experienced. The beginning of the word unhappiness is when your present reality does not align with your desired outcome. So, what this means is that what you are presently experiencing does not align with what you have projected, anticipated or desired. Disappointment is one of the ingredients of unhappiness. So, when COVID showed up we were all disappointed. We had just done our plans for the year and valentine. Valentine became quarantine and the world started reacting in different ways. It affected people’s jobs, attacking their spiritual and financial source. Sadly, we are in a country that is not service oriented. We are in a pandemic and you are increasing fuel price, electricity and dollar is increasing.

You are also working on a trust fund to assist those who cannot afford care here. Tell us about this?

Yesterday was my birthday and we launched a trust where we are going to be offering 80 percent free therapy for Nigerians. We will try and get people who appreciate people to invest in mental health. Targets are those who cannot afford it but they will pay 20 per cent. The reason for the 20 per cent is to value and appreciate what they are getting. It is your life, take responsibility for your life?

A lot of young people are on drugs these days, what do you think is responsible for this?

Every time I see that people take drugs, it is an effect not the cause. What that means is that drugs are a reaction to something. Something has fundamentally gone wrong and they are looking for options. There are people who cheat; it may not just be that something is wrong with their marriage. Their value may not be faithfulness. If at the beginning one of your value is faithfulness, you will try to fix it and if it is not fixable, you will find your way out. It is the same when people steal, not because you had to steal but it is because you are a thief. It is not the scenario that made you steal, but it is in your DNA. You take pleasure in stealing; the act aligns with your belief and your values. Those who have it in their DNA would steal weave-on and put in their bra, it is not poverty. A lot6 of people reach out to us on social media but we are not able to attend to all.

That inspired the idea to open a Trust and see what we can do for them. Mental health and mental illness not the same thing and people always think they are. Mental health is about emotional stability but illness means that you have to treat an imbalance, probably a hormonal imbalance. Treating it the same way that you would treat your finance, if your profit and loss is not balanced. If your health is not aligned, you pay attention to it. I work as an intersection between the carnal and the Spiritual. I can function in both, the religious and the intellectual level.

Rape is another issue that is on the increase and it has emotional health issues. What have you done about this?

I also did a paper on that. It is about how pornography influences rape. During the lockdown people consumed porn a lot. The sites said they received too much visitors because they also know how to attract. The porn guys gave the first 6 months free access, so you can imagine if our banks and others did the same. They waived it for 6 months and everyone was at home, so porn sold. What that means is they will register and pay later. And they were wondering why rape increased, people were idle. I wasn’t surprised that Father’s were raping their daughters and mothers couldn’t talk. Uncles were raping nieces, too much porn makes you see people as things to be penetrated. Not humans to be respected. Porn reduces a human being to an object and I did a research paper on it.

September 27, 2020
Sexual purity gives you power to have all you could ever wish for! (II)
Dear Ma, I’ve been reading your articles in the last few months and I can see the passion, anointing and fire you have/carry for your assignment. I deeply honour and celebrate you! More strength and anointing for your assignment. May God bless you forever!

Precious Chukwuemeka

Dear Ma,

My name is Sylvia. I’m from Akwa-Ibom State and I’m currently observing my National Youth Corps Service. I’ve always read and resonated with your articles in because I’m keen on chastity. I read your article about guys wanting to marry virgins. I’m 23 still a virgin. Reading your article made me feel special, very special. I felt like a gem of inestimable value when I read that piece. I always thought no man would want to marry me without having sex first. Over time, I’ve felt jealous of my friends who are sexually active, because they have boyfriends who splash cash and luxury gifts on them and sometimes I wonder what I’m gaining from keeping my virginity!

But I made a vow to God long ago and also prayed over time to empower me to remain chaste till my wedding night as I really want to marry as a virgin.

I want you to help me. I have some questions.
1. I’ve had boyfriends and even if some of them have been patient, I’ve done things with them that don’t involve penetration just to make them happy. Please how do I stand my ground and say No to them?
2. Please how do I stop getting jealous of my friends? How do I stop feeling like I’m worthless and guys like that won’t like me?
3. Ma, please this question might sound funny but is it possible for a man to marry me without wanting to have sex with me? Will I meet rich men that will take care of me?
My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian daughters,

I’m so glad to reach out to you again and would like you to please Google-search the first part of this article. A good number of you are in Sylvia’s shoes and I know you would refrain from such acts if only you had someone close by, whose “life” you respect and wish to emulate who would constantly encourage you to subdue your flesh. Last Sunday, I referred to Sylvia as a “technical virgin” which is someone who has never had genital-genital sex but who has engaged in other sexually satisfying acts. However, such a person is not only far from holy, such a person is DEFILING GOD’S TEMPLE! Our bodies are described in 1 Corinthians 6:19 as the temple of the Holy Spirit! We are also told in 1 Peter 2:11 to abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul.” Even if you feel you could resist your boyfriend when he wants to gain entry, there are 90% chances that a time would come when your flesh and the passion in you would make you give way because the more you satisfy your flesh, the more you deflate the power of God in you and shut God away! BUT, WHAT’S THE RUSH ANYWAY? Now I would continue with Sylvia’s questions.

“How do I stop feeling like I’m worthless and guys like that won’t like me?”

Dearest Sylvia,

Your question is quite confusing as I don’t know why someone would feel worthless because she refuses to have sexual intercourse. This is quite difficult to answer but I know the day you decide to stop engaging in other forms of sexual immorality, some light from above would illuminate your soul and you would begin to see yourself in a better form!

On your last question, I must tell you that God is committed to those who are committed to Him! As a matter of fact, He has a way of over-answering the prayers of obedient children and giving them out-of-this-world deals! YES! If you sit well before God and prove to be a clean and chaste vessel and not one allowing every Tom, Dick and Harry to play with her body, He wouldn’t want any “tout” to mess you up, He’ll pick a very special man who would follow you, hook, line and sinker and wait till your wedding night! YES! You try Him first!

By the time you allow God to process you and you begin to manifest His glory with your virtues, stars, “spiritual wealth, prosperity” intact, even you can afford to buy yourself an aircraft before you’re age 40 if God wishes. YES! An average female is a gold mine but when the gate of one’s life is opened to strangers on the altar of sex, what should sustain one for life could be wiped off within a few minutes even without penetration! For your obedience God can decide to give you a man 50 times wealthier than your dream man and He may decide your prosperity would turn your husband to a billionaire! As you lay your bed so you lie on it! I live you with God!
- I invite you to follow me on Facebook – TEMILOLU OKEOWO, Instagram @ Okeowo Temilolu.
September 20, 2020
Can you live in your wife’s apartment

By Vera Chidi-Maha

Ideally marriages are for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all other women or men. When I attend weddings and the reverend father or pastor as the case maybe gets to this part, tears have a way of streaming down my face for reasons I don’t even know. I don’t know if they are tears of joy, or pity because I know that if not for God’s grace, many break this vow even sooner than they know it.

But even at that, I still love weddings. Weddings bring people from diverse backgrounds and they suddenly become one big family. It is a unique thing, and I do encourage guys to “put a ring on it” (song by Beyonce Knowles), if you do find the one after your heart.

For the purpose of today’s piece, I will want to dwell on what happens after a wedding.

Of course, we know that there will be bills and more bills to be picked during and long after the wedding bells had stopped ringing.

The cat I am letting out of the bag today is about my colleague’s dear uncle.

Kate’s uncle, Remi (not real name), is a serving customs officer. He got married to his girlfriend of many years, Aunty Shade, who incidentally is also a serving customs official, although hers was at a more senior level than her husband’s. As a result of her status, she was given a tastefully furnished four-bedroom bungalow at Bode Thomas in the heart of Surulere, Lagos.

Uncle Remi, according to Kate, was in no way intimidated by his wife’s financial superiority. In fact, all he did was to try and complement her effort. They were quite happy living in the husband’s apartment of many years still in the outskirts of Surulere until the Nigerian Customs allocated a house to Aunty Shade.

Of course, the elevation at her place of work brought them happiness. It then came to the time when the key of her new home was officially handed over to her.

She thereafter took the keys straight to her husband and she said: “Honey, we are moving to our new home”. It was at that point that Uncle Remi became worried. Call it male chauvinism. Call it ego, if you like or even pride, but Uncle Remi was and always has been a typical African man and he never considered it a good thing to move into his wife’s apartment.

To him, the thought was simply ridiculous, in fact almost laughable, and he told his wife so without mincing words. Aunty Shade’s reaction was even worse after hearing her beloved husband. She took a very deep breath and burst into tears. But for the privacy of Uncle Remi’s office, she would cause a big scare that would have led to an office gossip for weeks.

When they got home, Uncle Remi tried to let her see things from his own perspective. He let her know that he was the man in this union and that it would make him feel dependent, if he was to vacate his home.

Aunty Shade would have none of it. She reasoned that the official accommodation was free and that the rent paid for their home could be used for other things. She saw no need for them as a couple to continue to pay rent when the government had made life better for them.

Trust women, when her husband continued to resist, she ran to family members to convince her husband to move in with her. After much pressure from family members, Uncle Remi finally swallowed his pride and moved into his wife’s new home.

A few years after moving in, things were very rosy. The wife was very sweet and became even more loving than she was when they first got married. Her true colour was shown when suddenly she started deciding when he came back from work, who visited and who should call before visiting.

The list of her atrocities was endless and when Uncle Remi could no longer tolerate her excesses, they resorted to verbal fights and then it degenerated to physical fights and then the worst happened.

Yes, she kicked him out of the house. She kicked her dear husband of eight years out of her official quarters by 2am.

Although I am a woman and we do mess up sometimes, but I can’t even begin to think of kicking my maid out of the house by 8pm. It is not only wrong, but I feel it is criminal. I am not generalising. We do have good women out there who will do more than accommodate their husbands and yet no one will even know about it.

I know of women who buy cars for their men. They appear happy and love each other genuinely, regardless of who is picking whose bills.

I have read of men who tell anybody that cares to listen that their wives help them. It might not necessarily be financially. The support from the wives could even be moral like Obama’s wife, Michelle, did during her husband’s political campaign. She was always seen by his side, always smiling, her hand always in his. Whether we like it or not, her support and love contributed immensely to his being in the White House today.

So, what part are you playing in your man’s life?

September 19, 2020
How to avoid trauma affecting your relationship

With Rois Ola

WE, at one point or the other, may have gone through one challenge or the other which is responsible to an extent on how we think and relate with others. Trauma at any age can have a profound impact on both individuals and relationships.

Learning how to help a partner with trauma can give you an opportunity to support your loved one’s journey while strengthening your bond. Do not try to fix them. Just try to understand how to help them, using healthy communication in finding out vulnerable things that can easily trigger the trauma. In the bid to learn and understand them, do not lose yourself or your identity, so that you yourself will not end up being traumatized.

Relationships are formed every day, and they get broken every day. Relationships fulfil that need to belong, that need to have some form of human connection. In relationship, you not only give love, you are meant to receive it. Ideally, it is supposed to be a two- way thing. It forms companionships that shelter us from the tragedies of this world and circumstances in life.

The process of relationships can be difficult. This is particularly true when your partner has significant emotional challenges.

When your partner has endured trauma of any sort, such challenges can rise to the surface and shape both their experience of themselves and your experience of your relationship.

However, while trauma often presents its own sets of sadness and challenges, it can be the birth of a new dawn for you and your partner. There is a process to recovery, and if done the right way, it can enhance the love between you both. In addition, it strengthens that bond, if well nurtured to be everlasting.

There are few steps to take in ensuing traumas do not affect you relationship negatively.

They may appear difficult to do at a time, but with practice and a commitment to get things sorted, you can do it.

Believe in your partner

It sounds easy right? But this simple thing often causes issues amongst partners. Many people at times due to what they may have suffered may have a fear of being disbelieved.

Denial is a common response to the disclosure of abuse or any trauma deeply rooted and hidden in the life of your spouse. You have to do better by believing them. Treat them with respect even if you have the urge to not believe them. It is important to put those feelings aside.

Gaps in their words may cause some inconsistencies most at times may be because of the pain of the memories. Do not rationalize their pain away and this will do more harm than good. “I believe you” can be deeply empowering and it can be important to vocalize your belief in order to reduce their fears.

Believing your partner does not just mean believing in what they tell you about the events, but also the effects on their life. Believe your partner when they share their pain with you and how trauma has impacted their life.

Sometimes, you may not clearly see a connection between their traumatic experiences and their subsequent behaviour but try to trust their story unless if have reasons not to believe them

Try to cure them of trauma

Healing from a trauma takes time. It’s a process and a painful, time-consuming and confusing one. It is natural to want to cure them or find a way to fix them. Listen to them, validate their feelings, show them you are there for them. Just be present and patient, let them heal on their own. Give them the time and space to find themselves. Try to emotionally supportive as much as you can. Don’t use love to cover it all, face the facts with sympathy. Bear witness to their journey by being available when you can at the same time letting them be on their own terms.

Let communication lines be open

Trauma can have long lasting wounds, but communication helps a lot. It may be difficult, and at some point, there will be struggles due to wounded emotions like fear, shame and guilt.

For your partner, being able to talk about their trauma and its effects can be tremendously powerful and creating an environment in which that can happen is essential. Show that you are willing to listen and support and if they do share, a simple, “Thank you for telling me. I love you and I’m here for you” is often the best thing you can possibly say. However, your loved one may not be ready to talk about their experiences—in fact, they may never want to talk about their experiences—and that is okay too. Disclosure can be a complicated process and is not useful or emotionally safe for everyone in every situation. Accept and respect your partner’s needs and do not push them for information they are not prepared to offer.

Sometimes, things are easier said than done. However, in all, it is the effort and motive to help that count. Trauma can come in many forms, trauma from a bad relationship, from an abusive relationship, trauma from mother wounds or father wounds, sibling rivalry, all sorts can be experienced. The important thing is to be able to identify this pain point and know when to take action and how to support them. Believing that with time, everything will be okay. I wish you all the best.

September 19, 2020
Sexual purity gives you power to have all you could ever wish for!
Dear Ma, My name is Sylvia. I’m from Akwa-Ibom State and I’m currently observing my National Youth Corps Service. I’ve always read and resonated with your articles in because I’m keen on chastity. I read your article about guys wanting to marry virgins. I’m 23 still a virgin. Reading your article made me feel special, very special. I felt like a gem of inestimable value when I read that piece. I always thought no man would want to marry me without having sex first. Over time, I’ve felt jealous of my friends who are sexually active, because they have boyfriends who splash cash and luxury gifts on them and sometimes I wonder what I’m gaining from keeping my virginity!

But I made a vow to God long ago and also prayed over time to empower me to remain chaste till my wedding night as I really want to marry as a virgin.

I want you to help me. I have some questions.
1. I’ve had boyfriends and even if some of them have been patient, I’ve done things with them that don’t involve penetration just to make them happy. Please how do I stand my ground and say No to them?
2. Please how do I stop getting jealous of my friends? How do I stop feeling like I’m worthless and guys like that won’t like me?
3. Ma, please this question might sound funny but is it possible for a man to marry me without wanting to have sex with me? Will I meet rich men that will take care of me?
I look forward to your response eagerly. God bless you Ma.

My dear Sylvia,

I would call you a “technical virgin” – a person who has never had genital-genital sex but who has engaged in other sexually satisfying acts. If you don’t work on your heart and completely subdue your flesh, don’t be surprised if you can’t control your body and you suddenly let your boyfriend have his way when next you’re together! BELIEVE ME, YOU’D REGRET IT! And the stupid, bad devil to further spite you would ensure that person breaks your heart and make you long for someone else and then a vicious cycle starts! I really want you to think of all you stand to lose if you eventually give in to your boyfriend now and not your husband after all the pain you had to bear before now! Little did you know God has a record of all the goodies you said NO to painfully because of the covenant you made with Him and has reserved what you can never imagine you could ever have or exhaust in a life time but if you’re not careful, you may lose them!

If you don’t have a partner who is willing not to touch you till your wedding night then hold on and wait for God to send the right person! Funny thing is, you already carry a heavy dose of God, you just need to stop defiling His temple (your body) and activate His power in you! Believe me, if I were you, I’d make the most of my situation and acquire some of the best things in life!

And I must let you know that if you knew the type of power on your finger tips and what you could get with it, you’d never even give a thought to what your friends appear to be enjoying at the moment! A good number of ladies have already sold their future- 30 years to come and what God has deposited in them to sustain them and make them shine in life on the altar of sex! Sexual intercourse is a serious SPIRITUAL TRANSACTION AND SPIRITUAL EXCHANGE! What goes into you could be good or bad and you may never recover what comes out of you! There are so many ladies/women all over the world today who are suffering from stagnation, hunger, joblessness, non-achievement and going from one problem to the other because they lost their precious glorious, virtues through sexual intercourse!

In fact, I know a good number of women who dated prominent men in their early 20’s, drove luxury cars, travelled on 1st class flights, had boutiques but today in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s they’re living from hand to mouth! THEY HAVE BEEN EMPTIED! I know some men who had “nothing” but became super-wealthy after meeting their wives! Now, if you fling your virtues away to guys who are strangers to your destiny and who may even be harbingers of bad-luck and demonic spirits that may run down your destiny, what do you want to support your husband with in future? I know you are a very wise lady! I’d answer your remaining questions next Sunday.
- To be continued.
I invite you to follow me on Facebook –TEMILOLU OKEOWO Instagram @ Okeowo Temilolu.
September 6, 2020