With Rois Ola

IN recent times and in a very worrisome   manner, more and more people are killing spouses and the root cause being a certain level of hidden depression, unacknowledged emotions resulting in deep seated uncontrollable anger.

Not everyone knows what to do with anger when they have that feeling. It is important we now have to learn how to start to process and use it in a healthy way, or else it will be sorrowful years of hurting other people and yourself causing a severe ripple effect that will tear everyone apart, a situation that people may never recover from sometimes resulting in avoidable death as is the case now in our country, an act that is against our faith and cultural norms.

In this article I would like to address possible reasons why people experience this feeling and ways to kick it out of your relationship.

  When you never learned to process anger as a normal human emotion

It would be totally abnormal if one cannot pause to validate how totally natural anger is. It’s one of the core emotions, and it’s very much okay to feel it. Part of our problem, though, is that some parents refuse to validate, recognize or acknowledge the presence of anger in the life of a child.

Instead, they encourage it or shame them for it, making them feeling guilty, there should be a balance to this. Anger if not noticed will lead to emotional explosions.

Help them learn to make room for anger in life because when I try to push it away, it only comes back more exaggerated in other words you may have experienced this feeling as a child and got shamed by adults for it.

Anger has been existing as far back as time of Cain and Abel, it never ends well.

When you come from a family of people who act on their anger

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When you have parents who hold tremendous amounts of anger that they act on without any regard for the consequences, it has a way of spilling down on the kids. Emotionally abusive parents, violent parents etc contribute to this making you think its ok to behave this well, and when you get into a relationship you continue in this system of lifestyle, do not allow your past model your future!

When you have been (wrongly) taught that anger is how you get what you want

A few people while growing up get to see adults or loved ones berating others and been mean. It has formed the attitude and habit of others that shouting, screaming and being nasty gets you want you want.

When you now start having intimate relationships with others or settle down, you will now discover you start yelling, shouting, screaming when you want something because you feel it is a normal way to communicate.

This method will never result you in getting anything you want, and even if it does it will be at the expense of other peoples trust and eventually destroy good people you come across.

When you have no idea that feelings are not same as FACTS

Anger is a common visitor for peoples mind, especially those who have grown up in such environments where it is seen as normal. When anger rears its Head, it is a message indicating you need to demand something from your partner like more attention.

As an anger prone person your requests will  usually gradually and steadily become  unreasonable and unbearable. The fact is anger and all its accompanying thoughts NEVER tell the whole truth.

Sometimes maybe just a little lack of sleep, less sex, too much workload, loss of a loved one, will make one think your partner is doing something wrong. You have to learn to feel out what EXACTLY an emotion is trying to tell you before ACTING on it.

 When you don’t learn how to regulate your emotions

If you don’t have a constructive way to handle anger when it comes in your relationship the repercussions are terrible, it comes like tidal wave, ripping everything around it, making you gasp for air, holding your chest tight. Get a counsellor to teach you how to regulate your emotions and ride the wave of emotions with caution.

When your unmoderated temper has singlehandedly ruined relationships

Some people think expressing every single, and I mean every single though on their mind through their mind is being sincere and straight instead of it seeing it as downright mean and a show of unmoderated show of emotions.

Read Also: 10 Tips to de-stress your relationships

Take for instance in a relationship you have a gift of not tolerating errors from your partner and next you do is pour their faults right back at them in the worst manner and worst words possible and hide behind the excuse of “I am just being honest”, is a terrible wait to treat your partner. No one will stay long with anyone exhibiting such behavior that has no full stop or comma

When all you know is to fight to learn how to constructively release anger

At this point all I can say is you need Jesus, Allah, Holy Michael or whatever suits your fancy and your faith immediately.

Constant flying of the handle at any little provocation from your spouse, and fighting with words or blows will never lead you to a good path, it is a path full of destruction, pain and regret. Learn to use the emotion to assertive and not violent.

There is a big difference here. Don’t believe becoming irrational can be controlled all the time, one day you may not know when you get to the land of no return. God help us all!!

Resentment and anger in relationships often stem from utter dismay at how your spouse could have possibly done what they did. You just can’t understand it  you never would have done such a thing.

So what is the solution to dealing with resentment against your spouse? Can you learn how to control anger so it doesn’t escalate?

The solution is to channel the shock at your spouse’s behavior into empathy, to try and understand them, and to come at the situation trying to see their perspective. It’s trite to say, but that’s because it is advice which is perennial. If it were easy, no one would need to talk about it much.

Helpful ways to kick anger out of your relationship

1. Use “I” statement, but don’t use “you.”

Here is one example about how to phrase dissatisfaction over another spouse’s actions: “I feel resentful that the business account is still open. I want to understand if I can help you in any way to close the account, because I will feel really relieved and relaxed when it’s closed.”

2. Count to 10 before saying another word

This will help you choose your words more carefully and not say something you will regret .it’s easy just pause, then start counting 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9, and then 10. The tide will gradually go down. And if it doesn’t WALK THE HELL AWAY!!!It works all the time.

3. Implement the “I-Thou.”

“Catch” the other’s feelings, trying to feel them yourself. Surprisingly, this makes the experience of those feelings actually diminish. This is powerful because it is really the only way a person can impact another’s experience with feelings of anger in relationships.

4. Practice listening as patiently as possible.

Repeat back what you heard in order to confirm you understood, and affirm your partner’s feelings. For instance,” Ade am I write to believe you didn’t expect me to act that way?” when he responds yes then you know you understand clearly the situation you are in, and if Ade says know ask him to repeat or rephrase or better still change language.

5. physical connection.

For one, hug, and do have sex. For many women, this may involve a bit of fake it ’til you make it if the situation is in the process of being resolved but isn’t there yet. For most men, sex actually serves to alleviate resentment because it’s a form of connection in its own right.

SEX WORKS, it may not be the final situation but it’s a step, unless you don’t love each other, lack of sex causes doubt or fear. Understand your partner and find out what works. One man’s meat another man’s poison

Even though you both might not be in the same emotional place during the resolution process, connecting physically can help.

In fact, I personally suggest that if the marriage is on a downswing, have sex at least once a day. The scheduled connection might put things in a different light and aid in resolving resentment. This thing called sex is like food for some people, if your spouse sees sex as food, please feed them with it. don’t be stingy.

6. Learn to Meet on a bridge.

This can be metaphorical and also realistic. In order to channel resentment into empathy, the “understanding bridge” will need to be gapped. Integrate the idea that “we both have to be on this bridge together.”

We really can’t see what our partner is feeling until we get out on the bridge. The more steps you take, the more you can see the middle “hump” of this bridge, where you both come together in understanding the other.

In order to actualize this place of mutual understanding, one idea is to literally go to a bridge nearby., not third mainland bridge please. Look for a good and calm location and talk things out. Let it a place you both LIKE.

7. Ensure you engage in daily empathy actions.

Look your partner ask them how they feel. Empathy is not necessarily the default feeling and needs some retraining to become part of you.

if you try it every day it will spice things ups and show you care. Routine empathy can be actualized by checking in with our partners about how they are feeling, Once empathy becomes intrinsic behavior, resentment often becomes a thing of the past.

Empathy, it turns out, is the answer for how to control anger in your relationships. As such, feelings of empathy also fuel natural anxiety reduction.

Not only will you hopefully come to an understanding with your life partner, you will both feel calmer. Making empathy a regular part of your relationship will have an impact not only on getting along better, but ultimately feeling more connected and less stressed, because it facilitates you getting out of your own Head, and into your partner’s.

Empathy, as such, fosters unity, transforming narcissistic into conjoined, and dismay into understanding. Empathy forges the reinvention of self that is necessary for long-lasting love. The truth is every relationship goes through ups and down.

No relationship is perfect. If you have done all you possibly and humanly can and it still is not working, then walk away. It does not have to result into death, no one deserves to lose their life all in the name of Love. I wish you all the best.

With Rois Ola

ARE you growing apart in your relationship? Or do you feel you are drifting away from your spouse? You are not alone. A lot of couple’s experience this disconnect. And so have I. But it’s how you respond and what you do about it that matters.

Because the worry or fear of becoming strangers can easily add unwanted stress to your relationship. And the worst part is when your spouse denies that you are growing apart or is not even aware something is changing or has changed.

I have and still see couples who had grown apart after years of being together and contemplated how they became so distant from each other. How did we ever get here?

This is something couples must work hard against because the effects can damage what you have built together.

One may ask why do couples grow apart? What could be the reason?

Growing apart in a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. It happens slowly over a period of time, which could range from a few months to many years, eventually it will become obvious to first one person and maybe later the other partner.

It can be the small everyday decisions you make or the fact that you stop doing little things like showing appreciation for your spouse.

From my experience and several conversations even with other couples, the biggest reason for drifting apart from your spouse is because you stop life. And when life gets really busy, family conflicts, work obligations, health issues, loss of balancing friends and your marriage, etc. can also contribute to drifting apart from your spouse.

There are so many signs and areas to drifting apart we can mention here today, but first let us start with the signs, which may be obvious to one or all parties involved.

You may be drifting apart from your spouse, but might not know that is what’s happening. The signs below will show you whether you are growing apart from your spouse or not.

1. You may not really care to sit and talk/discuss with your spouse.

You don’t feel like you can communicate with your spouse about everything because you may feel at some point, that  they don’t care about you. As such, you don’t take out time to schedule a time to just talk with your spouse.

In addition, you feel like your spouse will not understand you, or what you may be trying to say, or be there for you physically or emotionally. They might even turn the conversation into a fight or argument, so why bother. Let’s save ourselves the stress.

You are happier when you do things without your spouse. In fact, your spouse is pretty much the last person you want to share any exciting news with. You dislike them and don’t care about what they do.

2. You feel a disconnect in an area of your relationship.

For instance, after the birth of a new baby, a lot of couple’s experience this disconnect because they find it difficult adjusting to the new change. Plus, all the new responsibilities that come with taking care of a new child, most especially the first baby.

For some couples, this disconnect can happen in the sexual area of their marriage, while others may feel that their emotional connection is lacking. This is normal and can be addressed. Of course communication is key.

3. Sex with your partner is…

A sexless marriage certainly shows that you are growing apart from your partner. The exception is when it is for health reasons. Otherwise, you are just roommates. The longer it lasts, the further you will grow apart. You may not have sex, have sex infrequently, have no real connection during sex, dread sex as a chore/duty or you are not sexually satisfied with each other sex is almost as important as food in any relationship, if the sex is not working it will create a crack in the relationship, if both parties are sensitive enough it can be fixed. All it takes is commitment and the will to make things work.

4. You get irritated or annoyed frequently with your spouse.

You fight and criticize each other so often that you really don’t care to spend time with your spouse. You prefer spending more time apart than together, because every minute and every day is filled with exchange of words and battle. It tears you apart emotionally and physically.

Your partner’s presence or anything they do irritates you, what they say, how they act, speak, move infuriates you or ticks you off. Whenever you receive a text message or phone call from them, you feel like they are disturbing you. in fact you get to a point where you can exist in your thoughts without them.

You feel angry and sometimes want to throw the phone away. On some occasions, you even muster the courage to ignore their phone calls. And when they ask why, you lie about it.

5. You miss doing things with your spouse.

Some couples do not realize that Spending quality time doing an activity with your spouse is one of the things that helps you both get to know each other and to connect on a deeper level. So much so, you decided to stick to each other. The moment you stop doing things together, that connection begins to fade away, which will make you miss those activities.

Read Also: Should spouses tell each other everthing?

For example, you used to eat together, but now, you don’t have time to enjoy a meal with each other. Another example is if you used to have a day off to watch a movie together and now you find a way to always get out of it.

Another example is if you used to play a board, card, or dice game together, or some other fun activity, but now you don’t seem to have the time. those activities are gradually not existing again. You don’t have any memories to share together.

6. You feel something is missing in your marriage.

Every relationship has an exciting stage and when you start drifting apart the excitement you once felt starts dwindling, you need to rediscover it.

Make effort to rekindle the passion you had for each other when you first met.

7. You feel your relationship is coming to an end.

Your spouse is not giving you any attention or you are not giving your spouse any attention

You both no longer have any common interest. And there isn’t much you can do about it.

Your hope is gone and seeing eye to eye is now a thing of the past. You can’t even have normal conversations without a fight.

Is it normal to grow apart in a relationship?

The answer is yes. It’s sad and a phase a lot of people go through, but it is a phase that can be overcome, so don’t lose hope. As humans, we are naturally going to get pulled in different directions as we move through life. We are always growing and changing, change is constant in life. Our interests, priorities, strengths, weakness, what we like, what we don’t like, what we can tolerate and opinions also change over time.

Your partner will not remain the same person forever, you will evolve through life and so will they.

You simply have to be intentional and committed about choosing, learning, and discovering new things about your spouse. So you can grow together, and not apart. keep trying to understand those new things you like and the ones you may dislike or even hate. with good communication the ones that can change will change, the ones that can’t don’t sweat about it.

In fact, growing apart in a relationship is probably one of the silent things that could destroy your relationship.

Be intentional about doing everything you can to grow together with your spouse. Even if it is something small like giving each other a passionate hug or kiss every day.

What to do if you have grown apart from your spouse

In other words, is it too late to repair the damage done?

No it is not, however there is work to be done.It may not be so easy. There are a few suggestions on what you can do to help the situation. The good thing is, if you and your spouse are on board to making changes in your marriage and are intentional about connecting with each other every day, you can change the situation before you grow too far apart.

The simple things you can do

Children are God’s gift no doubt, they also add more stress and consume more of our time. Children need so much of your time can make you and your spouse feel like housemates, instead of soulmates.

That is why we intentionally purpose to spend at least thirty minutes every single day together just talking about life.

Try to talk about what you both are interested in, new interests, what we are learning, goals, plans, our family, whatever we feel like talking about that night after our girls are asleep.

And now, it’s one of the things to do every day so we don’t drift apart.

Also, create interesting weekly and monthly activities to do together as a couple like watching movies, creating family budget etc.

The truth is if both of you are not growing together in your relationship, you can’t be on the same page about your life together and this means you will also not have the same goals, aspirations or interests. You need to create these together. Find time because time waits for no one, communicate, express yourself in Love as much as possible. I wish you all the best!