The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • 10 things you should avoid saying to your wife

    By Praise Olowe

    Words are powerful and can be used to build an amazing relationship or destroy one.

    Here are 10 things you should avoid saying to your wife because women can be quite fragile and emotional.

    “It’s up to you.”

    Ladies generally don’t always like to hear this. If you are trying to come up with a plan or something, and your wife seeks your opinion regarding it, “It’s up to you” can be a very frustrating response and could even make her give attitudes for the rest of the day. Please engage in conversation with her to find a solution that works for both of you.

    “I don’t remember saying that”

    Sir? Why won’t you remember? It is important to know that women are confident in their memory. Be careful how you handle this conversation or it could quickly turn into a fight.
    If you feel confident in your own memory, try something different like “the way I remember it is…” and approach it from a neutral perspective. Saying something like “I don’t remember saying that” can feel like an attack and put your wife on the defence.

    “I don’t know.”

    Your wife is asking what you’d like for dinner, and you saying I don’t know. Even as a daughter, it gets really annoying when I ask my dad “can I serve your food now” and he says “I don’t know” please what do you not know exactly?

    When your wife turns to you for some insight or help and you reply with “I don’t know” and keep doing what you’re doing, you leave your wife feeling alone. Instead, jump in and make some suggestions. Just say something that will benefit you both please.

    “Nothing”
    The “silent treatment,” is very dangerous to any relationship at all. It creates disconnection and frustration. Instead, tell your wife you need a short time to “cool off,” and then intentionally go back to the conversation later.

    “I’ll do it later”

    Please, what happened to now? Or at least why not specify when exactly. We all know that later could be next year. If you do say it, be the person who does it within a reasonable time.

    “What have you done all day?”

    Personally, I feel like this is the height of it all. This is just a big no, no! Some women stay home to take care of the kids while the husband goes to work, or perhaps works from home. I beg you to please never come home and ask your wife what she’s been doing all day. Maybe the house isn’t perfect or dinner is a bit late, just don’t ask such. It can be really really annoying.

    Read Also; Six ways to win over your crush

    “Get out!”
    Okay, is there a crisis situation?, I mean, is the house on fire? did a tree fall on the house or somewhere near? Please and please, if any of these is not the case then do not order your wife out. She didn’t sign up to be bullied. No matter what the issue is, give it time to cool off.

    “You always….” or “You never…”

    You don’t have to criticize her or at least find a better way of doing it. Instead of discussing all of your wife’s shortcomings, again, be constructive. Simply tell her how you feel and what you would like her to do differently. Yes, you can still do this while married.

    “It’s your fault.”

    Even if it is her fault, you should find a better way of making her realize it. Assigning blame only takes you further into disagreements. It is nonconstructive. Remember, you’re a team, and you can be part of the solution.

    “You’re fat”

    Such a blunt statement will never be seen as helpful but hurtful. Your wife knows it that she has put on weight and she might have already made plans to drop off a few pounds. She might be already under some pressure regarding her weight gain, and saying she is fat will only worsen matters for her. So, please be gentle.

  • How to make interfaith relationship work

    Sikiru and Hannah (not real names) were crazily in love with each other. Sikiru is from a strong Muslim family, while Hannah’s parents are very religious Christians. After much trial and tribulation, they were able to finally have a relationship together and for seven years did their best to live in peace till things took a turn when Sikiru and Hannah, both serious in their separate religions, started having religious arguments every now and then. Sometimes the other person refusing to accept or keep quiet and let peace be. The strain of too many fights was breaking them up gradually, until Sikiru who was no longer comfortable at home and stylishly moved out for a few weeks. This was just the beginning of bigger issues to come.

    Over time I have discovered that life gives you quite a handful of deal breakers, which could be issues bordering on personality, attitude, wealth or poverty, lifestyle choices and so on. Some of these deal breakables are able to withstand life’s pressures depending on how they are handled, while some of these issues will make both partners emotionally incompatible. If we are talking about someone who is very religious, it can be a very sensitive issue in the sense that even without being in an emotional relationship, religious topics or discussions easily blow up and get seriously out of hand.  If someone is serious about their religious or spiritual practice, then you need to be sensitive to them. I would, however, advise caution when venturing into interfaith  relationship

    Interfaith relationship is a relationship between partners professing different religions. It could either be Christian and Muslim, pagan and Christian, pagan  and atheist, traditionalist and Muslim, traditionalist and Christain, Muslim and pagan and so on. Disagreement in life is normal, even people professing the same faith will argue and disagree, but disrespect is not allowed, because once you throw in disrespect, things can and will never work. It is important to acknowledge your religious difference, talk about them constantly so as to always be on the same page. Listening to each other is very important, in any interfaith relationship apart from the faith you profess, you have to share other common grounds in several areas, reason being that any decision being made jointly, once it is influenced moderately or strongly, it can present a problem down the line.

    Interfaith relationships have been existing for years and will still exist, no matter how people fight it, most times because love is involved. In a situation where the couple are really serious about each other , then below are a few points I have tried to explain below to help me understand and maintain the relationship, of course, as long as external factors are not able to break or destroy everything.

    Ensuring you have enough patience

    An interfaith relationship is definitely going to have one or more difficult times. There will also be days when it appears as if every day is full of trials and tribulations. It will be difficult for a Christian to explain to atheist why he or she has to fast for 70 days on “ori oke” (the mountain), the first thought to an atheist would be what kind of mountain is this? Why 70 days? A Muslim may also find it difficult to educate an unbeliever why dinner must wait till after sundown during Ramadan or why they can’t stand pig meat.

    A Christian may be shocked at why a traditionalist will have to use feathers, animal skin, sprinkle blood and make sacrifice to “Sango” (the thunder deity), in another case an atheist will argue to no end why a Christian should believe in something or someone they cannot see. In conflicting situations like this it will lead to annoyance, irritation, and eventually someone is going to commit what some of my friends will call “a diarrhea of the mouth situation”.

    You really have to be cautious and patient, with the willingness to explain as much as you can as many times as possible and with as much details as possible without getting annoyed. Some people hate repeating things, but in this case you have to be ready to keep explaining why you are always on the mountain!  Have it in mind that your faith sounds excellent to you, but may not sound excellent to your partner. Do not expect them to understand it all at once from the beginning.

    Ensuring respect for your partner

    One of the things I recommend for all relationships, no matter the age is respect. It is so precious and something that should not be toyed with. With interfaith relationships, it is a very important requirement. No matter how much you argue or disagree with your partner, never overlook the aspect of respect, it is key.If one person is very religious and the other is not,  is that enough reason to ridicule or put their faith down? Or even make them feel less than worthy?

    Definitely not if you will not be tolerant enough to respect and appreciate your partner’s religion, then that will amount to serious problems for both of you and of course no more peace of mind. Because most people that are very religious attach so much importance to it, they merge their religions with their identities.

    In another instance, if your partner is not religious, it would really be nice, if you can at least try to get involved in nonreligious events that they love, to make them feel you at least care. Respect is and should be reciprocal. Ideally, if you give respect you get respect, but if you don’t give respect, don’t expect to get it in return. If you ignore the part of respect, they will dislike and then hate you at the end of the day, which will lead to the end of the relationship.

    All relationships must be built on mutual respect.  The funny thing in relationship is most people say love is blind, but there are times in between  that the love blindness turns to red eyes , once the “ love sickness” wears out , it is then the statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the living room will start annoying you, it is then you will warn your in-laws and threaten them with 30 strokes of the cane if you catch them eating pork meat, it is also then the mention of the greeting.“As- salâmu alaykum irritates you, it is then you start telling your spouse  “Sango “ is old school. Interfaith relationships can push one to the very edge if not well managed. It takes as earlier explained lots of patience and now in addition respect.

    There is just no way out of it. You must clash, be it a minor issue or major issue. The decision is yours to either fall for the clash and scatter everything totally or take a deep breath, swallow spit or pride and just walk away, if you feel the relationship is worth it, then you need to put in the work.

    When we say put in the work, it means as a Christian when it is time for Muslim prayers you should not be irritated with prayer time or angry when they have to  wear hijab. It means as a Muslim if your spouse is always shouting holy ghost during prayer and asking enemies to fall down and die you should not be irritated, but can playfully join in asking the enemies to fall down and die. Or something similar to show them you respect the fact that there are spiritual battles to be fought, it also means as a Muslim if your spouse is a traditionalist and needs to bath in the river Nile , every two days then so be it , either walk away or learn to live with it , if you can tolerate  bathing in the Nile with them, then that would be great as well.

    Ensure you always see the funny side to issues

    Years ago I tried to attend an event organized by my in-laws, being Muslims, head scarf and hijab are part of the regalia. I hate anything covering my head, even wearing a hat to church is like punishment, once I have any extra thing God didn’t create put on my head, I start having headache.

    There are days I leave home with long hair and get back home with short hair. My family is used to this; they know when it comes to my head any extra weight is forbidden.  So on this fine day at the family event, I was required to wear hijab or scarf, you need to see me sweating.

    I struggled for a few minutes, then my husband tried to help me tie my scarf; it was a disaster. We kept laughing and laughing, and when I came out with the ugliest looking scarf tied on my head, I just told them it was my husband that did it. The event became a laughing jamboree for everyone. I still don’t like such events, but we make it fun every time we attend one. Remember what I always say about team work. As a team, you can conquer anything.

    Understand as much as possible that your partner is trying to get things right. They may not partake or believe in your faith, but they are trying to honour you and take part when they can, so please respect and cherish it. Try to always look at the funny side of it; do not be sarcastic, but humorous. Do not get tired of explaining, even when they ask what you may consider as silly questions.

    In fact, it makes a lot of sense, if you do proper research, nothing too tedious anyway, but enough to help you understand the basic things. Ask questions concerning things you don’t understand. It doesn’t mean you will convert, but it shows you are willing to make things work.

    Ensure you have the “talk” before it gets serious

    I have a friend who is good at always telling me Rois, “what you cannot tolerate when you are rich, don’t tolerate it when you are poor” No matter how tolerant you are, finding out your partner is not willing to be compatible or tolerate you even at an early stage can end everything. Religious incompatibility is a topic that needs to be discussed early and not put off for later. Cultural issues alone can destroy relationships, so we really don’t need to add religion to it again.

    Do your best to see if you can make things work, but if you can’t, at least you know you did the best you could. Recognize the signs that show incompatibility and consciously make effort to help the relationship survive the storm or take a walk.

    Relationships will always have issues. Interfaith will probably face more issues than normal. This does not mean it is not worthwhile. It is unique. It is challenging. You may struggle, but you will learn a lot. You will be wiser. It will mature you; it will help you appreciate your partner and also appreciate your faith as well. And with team work, you can conquer anything. I wish you all the best.

     

  • Domestic violence reaching epidemic proportions

    About a fortnight ago, Abibat, a sweet  dedicated Catholic and a practising nurse, not her  real name, is hospitalised in the same hospital she worked. Initially,  the concerned family members and friends were put in the dark as to why she was in the hospital battling for her life.

    It did not make sense. Some spoke to her days earlier and she sounded very healthy.

    The truth eventually came out when neighbours let the proverbial cat out of the bag when their were serious protests by their home. Youths were threatening to lynch her husband.  They told whoever cared to listen the our sweet Abibat drank bleach in a bid to escape her husband’s verbal and physical abuse.

    This information came as a horrible shock to all that heard, except the neighbours, ofcourse.

    Church members told how happy and close they always appeared in church.  They regularly wore same clothes.  They made all singles wish they were married.  They were always cited as examples of how a couple should appear.  How ironical!

    To think that their home was a living hell where on several occasions neighbours had been called upon to settle their differences and in most cases literally drag Abibat away from her abusive husband.

    Incidentally,  her husband, also a very active person in church,  did not in anyway appear to be an abuser.

    Okada riders told how her husband would oftentimes monitor her positions on the bike. Slapping or hitting her, alleging that she was sitting too close to the biker. He complained that her breasts were too close to the biker.

    We were also informed that whenever she came home from work,  how he would chase her out alleging that she had been sleeping around.

    Read Also: 10 Nigerian celebrities who suffered domestic violence

    Thankfully,  Abibat did not die from her suicide attempt.  Her husband is in custody as I write this piece and Abibat is recovering fast. She confided in me through the phone that she wanted to end her life because she did not want to witness the shame of facing her parents and siblings.  She further told me how she defied her wealthy family and married her husband because she felt she was in love.

    She said for the two years they had been married, he had continued to beat her almost on a daily basis.  She alleged that she was promiscuous.  She regrets her suicide attempt, prays to recover and return to her parents’ home.

    According to her, the reason she chose death initially was to avoid her parents knowing.  She said now that they had known,  the marriage was automatically over.

    All I could muster to her was a few words.  Marriage is not and has never been a  do-or-die affair.

    Staying in an abusive relationship is not worth it. On a very regular basis,  women in abusive relationships often opts to die in it rather than face the humiliation of living a single life and facing public scrutiny.  Well,  I would rather be single than die in an abusive relationship.

    Domestic violence is defined as a violent or aggressive behaviour within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner.  It is also called Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).

    Intimate partner violence is a serious preventable public health problem that affects millions  globally.

    Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.

    It does not discriminate.  Anyone of any race , age , sexual orientation,  religion or gender can be a victim or a perpetrator of domestic violence.  It can happen to people who are married or living together or dating. It affects people of all socio-economic backgrounds.  If you find yourself in an abusive relationship remember the following:

    *You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.

    * You are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behaviour.

    *You deserve better.  You deserve to be treated with respect.

    * You deserve a safe and happy life.

    *Your children deserve a safe and better life.

    * You are not alone.  Please get help.

    It is only natural that you want to help your partner.  You may think you are the only one who understands him or that it is your responsibility to fix his problems.  The truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse,  you are reinforcing and enabling the behaviour.  Instead of helping your abuser , you are perpetrating the problem.

  • Who should make decisions in your relationship?

    Tomiwa and Angela (not real names) have been   together for seven years. In some relationships, it is the woman that is in charge of all decisions being made in the house, while for some couples it is the man. The sad part is if the woman appears to be in control over the man, it becomes a big issue. Why? Because there is a common misconception that to be a man you have to make all the decisions. Do all the work and the woman come along for the ride.

    In a relationship, it is the two of you making the decisions together. No one has to lord their opinion over the other. To be peace and good health in that relationship, you must learn to communicate properly on what works to make each of you happy together. For instance, my husband and I usually go to watch movies together, especially when we want to escape from the children. I love horror film. The screaming, the blood, the running up and down excite me. Please, don’t ask me why because I am not sure I even know the reason why myself.

    My husband hates horror film. He can’t stand it for a second. So imagine going to the movies and it is time to make a decision on what to watch and then I say horror film, do you think he will be willing to watch it? Definitely not, but instead, he will prefer action films, investigation FBI type of movies which make me sleep within five minutes. We have both learnt to come to an amicable decision. So here’s what we do! First of all, before going to the movies we scan through what is available, discuss for 10 minutes on each movie and what we stand to gain or enjoy, then we agree on what we both find interesting before proceeding to the cinema. This is the art in simple terms of making a decision together. Sometimes, I get my way, sometimes I don’t, but anytime I don’t get my way, he promises to allow me watch what I want the next time, or we buy the cheap version so I can take home and watch at my leisure.

    Another example is food. Hubby likes heavy food, while I have a slower digestive system. I can’t eat heavy food; it is also not convenient all the time cooking separate food every day. So we agree together on what to eat to favour everyone. This is not to say your whole life should become a conference centre, but for both of you to think in the best interest of the family and make decisions that are not self-centred. You do not need to force your spouse on every decision you make. The best and easiest way to this is, as a man provide general leadership and give approval for things. Don’t ever stress too much or think you’re not manly enough because you are not making all the decisions.  What you need to do is provide general leadership for the relationship.

    There are several ways to make wonderful decisions together because you are a team.

    1. Do not make decisions without considering long term effects of each decision you make like job, relocation, in- laws, friendships with others, privacy, academics and so on.
    2. You need to be sincere with each other, state your feelings clearly so they understand your thoughts on every decision being made and how it affects you.
    3. Find ways all the time or as much as possible to meet each other half way, in essence find ways to sacrifice for each other.
    4. Always be open to each other; do not shut your spouse out and act as if their acceptance does not count because it does.
    5. Pray about it together. Life is not about the physical alone; it also involves the spiritual.
    6. Seek to always agree from your heart. This is a situation where you will not harbor a grudge or malice because you have decided to agree on issues or decisions with your spouse.

    One must always try to focus on making good decisions rather than trying to see the best way to manipulate the future. Some couples are afraid of making decisions because they don’t want to be blamed in the future for whatever decision they make. Unfortunately life is a risk and one must take full ownership and responsibility for any decision being made. When your partner makes a decision, you must be able to wholeheartedly and logically see the good sides of the decision, as long as it is not a selfish one. Making decisions with your partner is not an easy one. Reason is that you most likely have different backgrounds and home training and values, different orientation of life and sometimes different religions.

    When you are single and searching, you can make decisions that favour only you which most likely may not require anybody’s input or acceptance, you may also have the liberty of not caring if it affects other people, but if you happen to be in a committed relationship, making decisions requires the agreement and buy in from both parties and even if you refuse to accept the truth, every decision you make will affect the other person.

    The truth is once you get into a relationship, the decisions you can make on your own becomes very limited. You may not need to make all decisions together, but most have to be done together. In a healthy relationship, each spouse must put into consideration feelings of their partner before making a decision. We are not talking about decisions on how to fry egg, type of meat to buy, when to brush your teeth, time to use the toilet or when to do morning devotion. Waiting for spouse to concur with your decision should not over take common sense.

    Sometime ago, a couple came to me for counsel, and after several arguments in front of me, of course I allowed each of them to air their views and displeasure, I discovered what they had problem with was joint decision making process.

    In a proper situation, two must come together as one, but the woman was totally adamant to have her way, not giving the man space to even say or approve anything. On the other hand, he wasn’t against her making decisions, but her voice kept drowning him out.

    Some other time I have seen roles reversed where the man becomes Hitler, totally unreasonable and not ready to move a bit in the decision making process, insisting his word is law, from mundane decisions to totally extreme and life changing ones. Well a lot of such relationships end up crashing.

    Decision making by both spouses together builds trust and improves intimacy. I am a 200 % supporter of intimacy not sex but intimacy because this is what eventually sustains the relationship, that emotional connection that keeps your mind and soul in sync. If you can coordinate your schedule as much as possible to suit each other, check in with each other via messages, sms, WhatsApp, calls and communicate properly, making joint decisions will be easier and take less effort.

    In fact, it will come easy to both of you. Each decision made together deepens your love and respect for each other. The level of trust will increase, and invariably you will learn to not only be considerate, but to also each other’s needs equal or above your own. To enjoy the best of any relationship as regards making decisions you have to take full responsibility for their feelings that will give you the maximum enjoyment and fulfilment which will help you attain a sustainable level of your relationship that can weather any storm.

    It is not to strive for perfection, but to strive for an even balance of understanding, love, mutual respect and consideration.

    This balance can be attained by following some simple rules which I have always preached in previous articles and will still preach because they are principles that work.

    Ensure balanced communication. This is an aspect where you get to see things from each other’s view , with everyone understanding what is considered valuable or useful information. This will help you understand how your spouse thinks, and automatically help you know what they like , dislike and how to make informed decisions even in their absence without upsetting them.

    Mutual Respect: What I have learnt over time is when I am making my own decisions. I have to respectfully think of how it will affect my spouse. I also consider that yes the decision may be wrong. Yes, I may feel it will end up in disaster, but I am ready to accept and manage that disaster with them, my husband and I have a phrase we use “we are in it together, good or bad.” So, sometimes I make horrible decisions, which I have been warned by my spouse not to. I still stubbornly make those decisions and immediately I enter trouble, my spouse tries to help and sometimes bears the consequence with me.

    Permit me to give you one funny instance.I made a wrong financial investment in the category of network marketing where your money doubles. Hubby advised me not to invest that it would crash,but I refused.  Some money was lured into further investment when the crash came. I wept in shame because I lost money and I was warned , but greed didn’t allow me see clearly. I wanted to make quick money.

    Quick money is not always good money. Anyway, this is not for financial advice, but to let you know how hubby respectfully allowed me make my own mistake, but stood by me when I lost money. He did not kill me, beat me or say I told you so, but I know within myself I didn’t do well. This is not same in all relationships. It takes a level of maturity to be able to swallow pride, swallow pain and swallow the defeat of a terrible decision you have made.

    As long as you and your spouse communicate, respect and make sure you are accountable to each other, then making decisions becomes a piece of cake and, of course, you will grow stronger together. Remember what we said earlier. You are a team. I wish you all the best.

  • You win by playing by the rules

    Winning has different definitions for different people. To one, it could be recovering from an illness; it may be passing an examination. To others, it could be suddenly becoming rich and to some others it is having enough to meet one’s needs. For a woman, a win should be a must. What is a win to you may be a walk-over to me and vice versa.

    Winning is triumphing. It is having or being that which makes you fulfilled. Many set on the paths of triumphs but get weary along the way and return to defeat, depression and misery. Others think they should win because they have suffered for so long, forgetting that probably that they have not done what is needful to win.

    A top female physician, Mrs Rosemary Abuah, said: “You don’t win because you have a suffering experience; you win because you play by the rules”. She further explained that “one of the rules of winning is fighting. If there was no opposition, everyone would be a winner. It is the situation that calls for war. You don’t just fight, you fight lawfully. Some women can fight but they do so unlawfully.They fight the wrong people, using the wrong weapons. They fight for the wrong reasons. They fight for their enemies and not against them”.

    We asked how women can fight lawfully, she further explained. “You participate, you enlist, then go out and let people know you are competing. You demand for what you want. Crying or self-pity is definitely not participating.”

    She added: “Sitting idle is not fighting. Go where you are likely to get help for what you need. Do only those things that can change your situation. Negative thinking and taking wrong attitudes, desiring pessimism, emotional problems, wrong choices, keep people constantly out of the ring, you stand disqualified, no matter how hard you try”

    Mrs. Abuah further gave a few tips that women need to know to ginger them up to fight and win.

    Goal setting: You cannot win without a goal post. It is often said that the higher the goal post, the easier the chances of scoring. Losers, on the contrary, think that the lower the goal post (or desire) the higher the chances of winning. Those who don’t set goals at all, get tossed to and fro every year with nothing to aim at or fight for.

    Enthusiasm: Every woman that must win needs that inner fire to burn from within, otherwise there will be no reason to go on when things are bleak.

    Before you win, there could be many discouraging reports. A lot of excitement, enthusiasm and interest about something will keep you on the road for a win.

    Persistence: Continuing to try to do something in spite of difficulties, especially when other people are against you and thing that you can be stopped, then, you win. See it: If the naked can see her clothed, she will fight to have same. If the hungry can see a prepared table, she will fight to have same. If the homeless can see a beautiful home, she will fight to have same. People do not fight because they see nothing. It is what you keep seeing that keeps you fighting till you win. So, what do you see?

    Have it: If you must win, this is the path to take. Begin to live as if you already have it. You won’t have it when you have won. You have it before you win. It knows that you have it that will make you refuse a no for an answer.

    We have no idea when you will win, but we know that with the above tips, meaning, if you have set goals to aim at every day,every week, every month, every year, so many good things will start happening to you. You will become stronger everyday with growing self-esteem. When you look back, you will marvel at the changes that have taken place in your life.

    If you win in the real sense of the word, there will be other successes to celebrate. In like the non-fighters, you can count some blessings. Another fact is you will win if you don’t change your mind about winning. Women will win when they understand that there is a battle to fight before winning.

    Women will win when they stop waiting for trophies. There is something to do, to win. Don’t forget, it is always well done. There is a price to pay. We have to face the real opponents, our fears, our inhibitions, our mental weakness, our visionlessness, our painlessness, our slothfulness, our ignorance, our selfishness, our superficialness, our idleness, our solitude and fight to win.

    Pursue success: Be loyal to your success. Work at it. Work it out. Women are no failures. Art Williams says, “Somebody is going to win and the person who wins will be the person who is just a little bit tougher. The person who waits just a little bit more”.

    I challenge you to surprise everyone, including yourself. John Mason says, “One of the greatest pleasures you can find is doing what people say you cannot do”.

  • Benefits of marrying an Igbo or Yoruba girl

    Adeyinka Akintunde

     

    Love is a beautiful thing. The Holy Book says that it is not good for a man to be alone, and that a man must leave his father and his mother and will get married to his wife and the two of them will become one.

    Marriage is revered and it is carefully entered into. A man is always careful to choose the wife he marries, as it is widely believed that 90 per cent of the success or failure of a person depends on the person he or she gets married to in life.
    There are however things to know if a man gets married to a girl from the two major tribes in Nigeria. There are inherent benefits of marrying an Igbo girl from the South-East and a Yoruba girl from the South-West.

     

    IGBO

    One quick advantage to mention about Igbo girls is that it is widely argued that they are extremely beautiful and considered the best when it comes to cooking.

    Other advantages may include:

    1.            She will raise your children with love and teach them her local language

     If you marry an Igbo girl, you can be sure that your children would speak the Igbo language whether you like it or not. She would raise the children with love and instill the right values and morals into them.

    The Igbo people value their culture a lot and would make sure they pass something from it onto their children- your children.

    This means that your children would be able to speak more than one language.

    2.            Her family members will always visit

    There is nothing like total privacy if you marry an Igbo woman. Her family members would always visit and the house will always be full.

    This has advantages and disadvantages as you may spend more seeing to their affairs while playing the perfect in-law but you can be sure it would be fun all the way.

    This would make your wife happy and more contented.

    3.            They are very religious

    Igbos are very religious people and their preferred religion is Christianity. Most Igbo girls are brought up in strict religious homes and as such, they have the fear of God and the belief in His supremacy instilled in them.

    Even when they leave their parents, they still carry those values with them into their marriage and homes. So prepare yourself for church every Sunday, and get ready to observe religious holidays and church programmes once married to an Igbo girl, because they hardly compromise on this or convert to other religions

    4.            Do not cheat on an Igbo girl if you still want to live

     They may not kill you physically but be sure that life will be very difficult for you and your mistress if you get caught. If you want to marry an Igbo girl, then you should know that as subtle and sweet as they are, they could be highly venomous when pushed and taken for granted.

    They are not ladies who would fold their hands while you cheat on them. They would confront you and your lover with their findings and would deal with both successfully.

     

    YORUBA

    1.            Yoruba girls are very respectful

     The moment a child is born in Yorubaland every elder around him or her suddenly becomes his/her parent as he or she is not only restricted to receiving discipline from the biological parent. This has made it very easy to inculcate habits like being respectful in the young child.

    Yoruba girls are brought up to totally give respect to whoever it is due. The Yoruba culture says that when a youngster meets an elder, she must kneel down to greet as a sign of respect.

    This is a major reason why Yoruba ladies top the list of respectful tribes in Nigeria

    2.            Yoruba girls are hardworking

    A lot of Yoruba girls grew up with the teachings of self-reliance. This is because at a tender age, they get taught how to do major household chores and how to exceptionally take care of the house, the man of the house and the children.  So, it is safe to call a Yoruba girl a better “helpmeet”, as she would help with her hardworking, enterprising spirit in shaping your life.

    3.            Yoruba girls are highly Intellectual

    A high percentage of Yoruba girls take school and education seriously. This gives them an edge over other ladies from other tribes in Nigeria.

    A typical Yoruba girl would prefer to go to school, get her degrees and certificates before thinking of marriage, which is rare in some tribes. This help them plan their lives well enough; get prepared for the future before jumping into it.

    4.            Yoruba girls age gracefully

    Because most Yoruba girls keep themselves before marriage, there are better chances for them to look way younger than their real age. They are ever agile even in old age to tend to their family. Just like fine old wine, Yoruba girls get stronger as they grow older.

    So, guys, which one do you want?

  • Behold medical doctors, engineers in showbiz

    LAST week, we gave you a peep into the professional backgrounds of our celebs whose professions are in the humanities. This week, we will be showcasing celebs whose educational backgrounds are in the other side of the academic divide.

    Of course, it is easy to think that some of our biggest and most successful stars in showbiz have a backgrounds in the arts. Nigerian actors and actresses may not feature regularly in Hollywood movies or feature regularly on top chats, but still they are masters of the game. They are master interpreters of simple and complex roles and crooners of the highest caliber.

    So, you may be forgiven if you thought that your favourite celebs either studied theater arts or went straight to the studio after high school. Wrong! The backgrounds of our celebs are very diverse.

    Some of our biggest stars have science, engineering, medical and technology education and degrees. For example, Banky W studied engineering, while Kiki Omeili,

    Beautiful Nubia and Dr Sid have medical degrees.

    Some like Kate Henshaw and Beautiful Nubia actually practised for some time before dabbling into the world of showbiz. So, here are celebrities who also ditched their first love for showbiz.

    Banky W

    Nigerian artist, actor and politician Olubankole Wellington aka Banky W, the Empire Mates Entertainment (EME) boss popularly known as Banky W is perhaps best known for his role in the film “The Wedding Party” and in the music industry, both of which were incredibly successful.  He studied Industrial Engineering at Rensselaer University in New York. Banky W has a reputation for interpreting his roles well. Besides being a successful musician in his own right, he is also a successful artiste management expert. So, it may surprise you to know that his background is in engineering.

    Okey Bakassi

    The former Senior Special Adviser on Entertainment Matters to the past Imo State Governor, Ikedi Ohakim, Okechukwu Anthony Onyegbule, popularly known as Okey Bakassi, is a Nigerian stand-up comedian and actor. He’s a graduate of Agricultural Engineering from the Rivers State University of Science and Technology (RSUST), Port Harcourt.

    Kate Henshaw – Medical Microbiology

    Kate Henshaw shot to fame as a model, and has since grown her brand and wealth with television and film roles. After completing her primary and secondary school in Lagos and Calabar, she spent one year at the University of Calabar for remedial studies and then majored in Medical Microbiology at the School of Medical Lab Science, Lagos University Teaching Hospital (LUTH). Henshaw worked for some time at the Bauchi State General Hospital.

    Eldee

    Nigerian rapper, record producer and architect Lanre Dabiri, popularly known by his stage name Eldee, is an architect with a Masters Degree from the University of Lagos, Nigeria.

    Kiss Daniels

    Nigerian artist and Woju crooner-Oluwatobiloba Daniel Anidugbe aka Kiss Daniels has a degree in Water Resources Management and Agrometeorology (Water Engineering) from the Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta.

    Dr Sid

    Popular Nigerian singer and song writer, Sidney Onoriode Esiri, well-known as Dr Sid, completed a Dental Surgery course/degree at the Universit y of Ibadan (UI) before pursuing his passion in entertainment.

    Kiki Omeili

    The next person on our list of celebrities with degrees in the medical field is a graduate of medicine, this time from University of Lagos. Omeili began performing in stage plays all through her primary and secondary school years. This continued when she got into the university as she was a member of the drama club and acted in various productions as well as taking part in several drama competitions. In 2006, she obtained a medical degree from the College of Medicine, University of Lagos.

    Beautiful Nubia

    Nigerian songwriter, music composer and band leader Segun Akinlolu, popularly known as Beautiful Nubia, graduated from the University of Ibadan with a Doctor of Veterinary Medicine degree in 1992 and practised as a veterinary doctor for about eight years. He also holds a Post-Graduate Diploma from the Nigeria Institute of Journalism.

    Tonto Dikeh

    Nigerian actress, singer and humanitarian Tonto Dikeh, known to many as Poko, Tontolet, Mama King and King Tonto. Tonto Dikeh got an early taste of fame when she starred in a movie titled “Dirty Secret”, which generated controversy among Nigerians due to its adult scenes. Dikeh studied Petrochemical Engineering at the Rivers State University of Science and Technology.

    Chioma Chukwuka-Akpotha

    Chukwuka’s acting career began with her debut in the movie “The Apple” in 2000 and has since bolstered her fame and wealth with television and film roles. She hails from Oraifite, Ekwusigo Local Government Area, Anambra State, Nigeria, but born in Lagos State. She completed her primary education at Onward Nursery and Primary School in Lagos State, and then proceeded to the Federal Government Girls College in Onitsha, Anambra State, for her secondary education. She then headed to Lagos State University, where she studied Banking and Finance.

  • When issues of the past affect your present relationship

    Amaka and Teddy (not real names) have been dating for 14 months. Teddy was madly in love with Amaka , but because her previous boyfriend was a Casanova , she was always expecting Teddy to cheat on her. Teddy on the other hand being very handsome and a good guy was to Amaka a potential ladies’ man, so no matter how much Teddy tried to tell her he loved only her, she didn’t believe him and was expecting him to cheat on her the way her ex did. Her constant monitoring and jealous tantrum was destroying the relationship gradually. Finally, they were able to seek for counsel and discovered that past hurts in her previous relationship were affecting them negatively.

    This is a common story to so many couples, especially the ones recovering from a bad relationship, just getting into a new one. When you leave a bad relationship, the next one may seem like a bomb waiting to explode. Sometimes we cook up problems that don’t exist. We are not saying be blind to your spouse’s fault, but the issue at hand is to explain how one can move on from a past relationship and enjoy the current one without allowing issues from your past affect you.

    A lot of people develop negative mindsets due to previous hurt or pain experienced from spouse, friend or family member and thereby create a defence mechanism to avoid heart break and pain.

    There are quite a number of ways to tell if your past is affecting your present or even your future. And one of the best ways is when you quarrel or fight, what are the typical issues that come up? Is it about the opposite sex?  Money? Sex? Pride? Chores? Responsibility? Forgiveness?

    The truth is if you don’t get rid of issues you faced in past relationship and come to terms with it , they will definitely affect you in a negative way.

    I will try to address a few of the issues that are common to most relationships which may have their major source from unresolved past hurts / experiences with others.

    1. The fear of being dumped or abandoned

    Hmmm this is a big one. No matter how young or old, being dumped is the worst feeling, even worse when there is no exact traceable reason why, other than the fact that he/she doesn’t love you anymore.

    So many people have been dumped on their wedding day, introduction day, after introduction, after having a baby, after paying bride price, after paying school fees, after building house, and so much more. It makes one feel used, especially if one of the parties has been sucked dry. When one is suddenly dumped or abandoned by a past lover, spouse or friend, it can be extremely difficult to build another friendship without having the thought of “what if she dumps me?” or “what if he uses me for sex only and moves on to the next young, fresh, yellow skinned lady?” Truly it is only God or Allah that can see and know all things, no man can exactly understand how another man thinks 100 %, a man you claim to know today can transform tomorrow, even good people are capable of doing bad things, which is why we are comfortable in blaming the devil for everything except ourselves.

    Anyone who has been dumped before will be afraid of being dumped again. It will be difficult to open up completely to anyone. Unfortunately, you cannot totally  avoid being heartbroken or vulnerable because you have to take a risk to love , being alive alone is a risk. We need to know that we must stand up and take responsibility for our hearts and actions. You have to face the reality of things and ensure that yes you were dumped but it is not the end to life and an opportunity to learn how to avoid such happen. It doesn’t mean you have to turn into a shell and stay inside like a tortoise. Life is for the living and must be enjoyed.

    1. Creating the lion armour syndrome

    Most times because of past hurts, people create a very strong armor to protect themselves, and what this does in essence is that it makes you unable to share your thoughts, feelings and fears without your spouse, you only succeed in closing off everything so that no one can hurt you again. It is almost as if you become a zombie and if anyone tries to come close to you, roar like a lion to scare them off. Such people never find joy in any relationship because wounds are so deep, no matter what you do they can never be happy, even if you cut your leg or hand of.

    Emotionally, you make your partner suffer because you are making them suffer for crimes someone else committed. It is a style of withholding yourself emotionally. Regardless of anything, you need to work on this issue. The more you can try to make effort to open up, the more you can share who you really are with your spouse. It is a difficult path to follow, but healing is very possible. You just need to make an attempt, especially if your spouse is worth it. First step is honesty about how you feel on certain issues to help build intimacy. Don’t just carry your issues on your head.

    1. Being used for sex issue

    Sex is fun no doubt, some people have the stamina of going at it 24/7 , good luck to them! While some prefer to use time table, what is good for Peter may not be good for Paul.  The issue here now is the category of people who feel they have been used for sex only by previous partners. This is a serious issue and can affect a relationship negatively because focusing on sex only to keep your partner means insecurity is seriously at play and then when this partner gets tired of sex , what next? Sex issue gets in the way of intimacy. Thinking sex is the only thing to offer is a dangerous move. We won’t always stay beautiful, and we won’t always stay handsome.

    I remember when I had accident years ago, instead of me to praise God I was alive, the first thing that came to my mind was my teeth. I thought my front teeth had broken. I was so scared. God, how will I now talk , laugh or smile with several missing teeth? When my husband came to the scene, the first question I asked him was, please please check my teeth o, are they still complete?  The world says beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but just try being ugly for a day and see how people will react towards you. Vanity is truly the order of the day. So back to sex, yes any relationship based on sex alone can never last. True love is really complex as it encompasses so many things like sacrifice, balance, forgiveness, patience, and lots of long suffering. Someone who truly loves you will appreciate you for more than sex and will never want you to feel used. But you also need to give love a chance. Someone who loves you will find you sexy inside and outside the bedroom.

     

  • Would you settle for the good, the bad or the naughty girl?

    I grew up in Fadeyi, one of the rough and rowdy outskirts of Lagos. Fadeyi had everything and anything. We had the refined ones, the ghetto ones, and the carefree ones. I must not forget to mention that in our great Fadeyi, we had good girls, bad girls and the naughty ones.

    But generally speaking, we have different categories of girls all round the world, we have bad girls and whether we like it or not, we have the very naughty girls. I am eager to tell you a few things about good girls. They are very regular, well behaved and they show decorum in the way they talk and carry themselves. They don’t speak, unless they are spoken to. Their whereabouts at any given time are known by their parents and even siblings alike. You cannot date them to take them out of their homes unless you have their parents’ permissions. They are so well-mannered; they could wait for their wedding nights to get ‘deflower’. Their good girl status has nothing to do with their upbringing or the society; it is just the way they are.

    The bad girls are just for no reason in particular. They are the insatiable types, the types that would extort from a man without a second thought. They would date two to three friends at a go, with no apologies to anyone. They are capable of getting any man of their choice at their beck and call. If it is even remotely possible to steal their friend’s man. They would go right ahead without butting an eyelid.

    Lastly, the naughty girls. They are the ones that know how to make a man happy; both in bed and outside the bed. They are not in the reserved league at all. When a man is daring enough to date them, they meet up with the man’s expectations. This group of girls dates their men with no pretence whatsoever; most guys go with this group of girls because they like to cut straight to the chase. This brings me to the story of my childhood neighbours, Franca and Ijeoman. Franca and Ijeoma were age mates, but their differences were like night and day.

    Read Also:

    Franca, to everyone’s knowledge, was tagged a very naughty girls. She was notorious. Every man wanted her because she knew how to treat them right.

    In fairness to her, Franca never double dated at any time. She was always a one man’s woman. Ironically, her suitors could not have enough of her, but because people saw her as notorious, they refused to be seen in the public with her. Austin, on his part, was also a daring young man. He was bold enough to date Franca openly without any inhibitions. Two years into their relationship, they took a step further and tied the knot. Austin later won the US lottery and he relocated with his family to the United States of America.

    The stories that have been reaching us thereafter are that Franca later became a very industrious lady. She secured two different jobs and opted to also further her education. Austin was encouraged by Franca to send for his mother to come for a visit. In February, this year; they just completed their three-storey building in Delta State. They plan to visit in December to officially open their family home. Austin today attributes his success story to his once naughty girlfriend that has now become his very caring, industrious and loving wife.

    Ijeoma, on her part, was the regular girl next door. Very homely, reserved, decent (if you like the type that wears very long skirt and oversized shirt to match). Everybody felt Ijeoma was the ideal girl to marry. She was supposedly everyman’s dream of a good woman. Ijeoma lived a good life. She had a very clean slate. There was no man or boy that ever dated her. She was later married off to an eligible suitor based in England called Udoma.

    Ijeoma’s husband was ecstatic to meet his wife a virgin. Things were wonderful. The marriage was simply a dream come true or so everybody thought, Ijeoma’s true colour came into play when she started telling her husband who could come to their family house in England and who could not.

    Only those who could visit were ijeoma’s people. First, her immediate younger brother left for England, then her mum and soon, her elder sister.

    Whenever Udoma tried to suggest that one of his people should visit even for a month, hell would be let loose. Ijeoma just could not tolerate any of her in-laws. Udoma tolerated this for four years of their marriage. In those years, no money was sent to his people, even calls were drastically reduced. In the fourth year, Udoma could not take it anymore. He reacted by refusing to take meals at home. Ijeoma provoked him endlessly, and when he could not take it anymore, he slapped her.

    To cut a very long story short. Udoma has been deported to Nigereia. The court held that he could not remain in England because he was physically abusing his wife. We were all shocked to see him back in Nigeria after spending so many years abroad.We also knew that his predicament was as result of marrying a bad girl in a good girl’s skin.

    Till date, he is trying to find his feet. So, the question is what kind of girl would you settle for? Readers’ responses are welcome.

  • Why do men prefer fair-skinned ladies to the dark-skinned?

    Omo pupa o, omo pupa lemi n fe, omo pupa o, jowo mo feran re o. Ti n ba de London, maa wa fowo oko ranse, omo pupa o, jowo mo feran re o (Oh! Fair-skinned lady, I am in love with fair-skinned lady and when I travel to London, I will send flight fare to the fair-skinned lady I love).

    History has shown that black people with lighter skin were treated better. The above popular number from the highlife maestro, Victor Olaiya, gives credence to this fact.

    In the days of slavery, the dark-skinned blacks worked on the fields while light-skinned blacks worked in the houses. Hence, the terms, field Negroes and house Negroes. It got so bad that not only did the slave owners, who were often responsible for the higher shade of brown slaves give lighter-skinned blacks more respect, but so did the dark-skinned blacks. This evolved into generations of blacks both consciously and subconsciously teaching themselves that one is better than the other which eventually led to billions of naira being made in fake or artificial hair industry.

    Obviously this, by every standard, is a very sensitive subject, but I need to get it off my mind because I have secretly nursed this thought in my head for long. I have always wondered why men prefer fair-skinned ladies to us, the dark-skinned. Just to buttress my view, I have met and known ladies who were once dark-skinned and suddenly became fair-skinned. They would spend fortune just to lighten their skins. Some even go overboard and become too light for their own good.

    From toning a bit, they graduate to full-blown bleaching; and when this cannot be maintained due to the huge financial implications attached, their skins become damaged and they end up with rashes different coloured skins all in an individual. Do the men even know the trouble some women take just to meet up with their expectations?

    Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against my fair-skinned sisters and friends. As a matter of fact, my childhood friends, Ayisat and Helen Egume, now in Abuja are all fair-skinned and we have been friends like for ever. We are closer than ever. At the risk of sounding a little jealous, even way back when we were in school, they had all the toasters in the world. For every 10 men that made passes at them, I had only one. Haba! Is it a crime to be dark-skinned? Must all of us be fair-skinned at all cost?

    After I had managed to put my school experiences behind me, I met and fell in love with my man. My man is dark-skinned like me, and we were just fine with each other. Until their office recruited a tall and fair-skinned lady to work directly with him, it is was fine by me because I knew that my man needed an experienced assistant who would help reduce his workload. Before his chairman recruited the lady in question, we actually discussed it over lunch one day and I was like, why not?

    When I ran into this lady, her beauty struck me. You know, for a lady, she was on the tall side, light-skinned, I am sorry, did I say she was light-skinned? No! I mean, she was dangerously fair-skinned! O’boy, I became uneasy with the realisation that they had to work and tour almost half of the country together, alone for that matter. It, therefore, came as little or no surprise to me when it filtered into my ears that they were having an… no I mean they were becoming too close for comfort. Without wasting much time, I did a quick check with my pastor and after ceaseless praying and fasting sessions, my bobo is safe back into my hands. But I tell you the truth, I almost lost him to that African oyibo.

    Anyway, the bitter truth is that research has shown that 70 percent of men would rather go for fair-skinned ladies rather than dark-skinned ones. Perhaps, it is because they are more notifiable or perhaps it is because the men want their kids to also be fair-skinned. I don’t know, I am not a man, but I do know that they go for them before they come for us. I once worked for a boss who swore never to date a skinny or slim lady. He said to me that no matter how pretty a lady is, he would never approach her for anything unless she is on the fleshy side.

    Jokingly, we asked him to consider a situation where he was trapped with a slim lady on an isolated island. Again, he said never, he would not go for her. For him, to win his heart, a lady must have lots and lots of flesh on those bones. Thereafter, we had a client we had to handle a brief for, and the client had a very slim, very pretty and yes, very fair-skinned daughter. Before we could say Alhaji! Our boss found himself spending hours conversing with this lady.

    I don’t know how his fiancé then now his wife, got wind of it and to prove to his finace that he had nothing to do with our clients daughter, he brought her to formally introduce to the lady. After the introductions and exchange of pleasantries, they decided to call it a day and drove home. What jolted my boss to reality was when he asked his finacee what she thought of his platonic friendship with the lady, the finacee said: “Alhaji forget this lady, I know say she dey lim side, but this one yellow o”.

    Need I say more?