The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • Peculiar hair-styled celebs

    For many years in Nigeria, signature hair-dos were mostly associated with popular musicians and Rastafarians. Nowadays, there are quite a few Nigerians and celebrities outside this circle.

    As we all know, of all body features, nothing guarantees you that special outstanding look than a well-nourished and perfectly styled hair.

    With the help of the right hairstylist and good hair products, you can move from looking ordinary to looking very fabulous. And most of our celebs tend to be hair style chameleons by nature- rocking different hair-dos to suit the latest fashion trend. But don’t be surprised that despite the changes in hair trends, some celebs are still sticking to a particular hair style for ages.

    Here are a few of Nollywood’s signature hairstyle rockers in no particular order that will surprise you.

    Their hair-dos are as famous as their famous faces. They are proof that you don’t have to chase trending hairstyle, once you know what suits you and you stick with it. This week’s assemblage of celebs deserve special kudos because they found hairstyles that suited them, hardly strayed from them and went on to build distinct personal and professional brands on the back of their signature looks.

    Yemi Alade

    The ‘Jonny” crooner, Nigerian Afropop singer and songwriter who gained prominence after winning the Peak Talent Show in 2009, paved the way into then uncharted territory with her spiky Mohawk packed braided  hair style.  While this cool hairstyle wasn’t new when Alade launched hers, her bold choice redefined its presence within the Naija show biz scene.

    Eva Alordiah

    We will credit Elohor Eva Alordiah, better known as Eva Alordiah, a Nigerian rapper entertainer, make-up artist, fashion designer and entrepreneur;  with starting the whole half-shaved look, or at least with making people noticed before it now became a huge trend.

    Derenle

    Adenrele Oluwafemi Edun, widely known as Derenle, is a Nigerian television host whose work has been rewarded with awards both locally and internationally.  From boho style to street style modish, Derenle is always ahead of the trends. He is never afraid of experimenting and has shown up several times on the red carpet with long and bubbling afro hair-dos. He’s the epitome of punk rock well-dressed.

    Banky W

    Nigerian singer, rapper, actor and politician, Olubankole Wellington, popularly known as Banky W, has been rocking his skin-cut haircut popularly known as ‘gorimapa’ since he “threw away” his famous caps. Gone are the days when folks thought sporting a clean skincut would cause a backlash. These days sporting a skincut seems anything but refined.

    Daddy Showkey & Flavour

    Veteran Nigerian galala singer Daddy Showkey and Nigerian singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist and performer-Chinedu Okoli, better known by his stage name Flavour, has one main thing in common. They are known for wearing long dreadlocks  and managing to remain ruggedly handsome while doing so. Daddy Showkey has been wearing the long lengthy locs for more than three decades or more!

    Ty Bello and Omawunmi

    Would you ever recognise TY Bello and Omawunmi without their famous bouncing afro hair-dos? You probably wouldn’t. Both women, highly successful (just in case you haven’t been paying attention to the news, TY is one of the nation’s most successful photographers and Omawunmi is one of the country’s rare golden voices) have stuck to this hairstyle ever since they found out that it worked best for them. And guess what? They have hardly ever strayed from it in years.

    Uti Nwachukwu

    Sir Uti has been rocking his long and straight dreadlocks with a bang before his days at Big Brother Africa. Even Up till now, the locks look the same!

    Asa

    On and off the stage, it’s easy to see Nigerian international songstress Asa, has long favoured short length natural dreadlocks for decades.

    Ehiz 

    MTV Video Junkie Ehiz sports rich, thick shoulder length dreadlocks and he has been doing so for years.

    Nancy Isime

    Isime is one of Nigeria’s hottest OAPs. She’s also a model and actress. She is one of the most famous short pixie cut wearing Nigerians. The gorgeous beauty has long favoured pixie blonde and she doesn’t allow it grow for long.

  • The truth about lying in your relationship (2)

    IF your spouse is explaining an event or occurrence in a vague way with an ambiguous style, giving you assignment in your brain, making you go through so much effort to connect the dots, it may mean he/she is lying. Sometimes if frustration or confusion on how to finish the lie , when the web has confused even the liar , they will suddenly claim anger and become aggressive to drive you away from the issue at hand. If this is regular, I would personally advise you start opening your eyes to the reality of your situation.

    1. Change in response time to questions asked

    When you are in a situation where your spouse has to take time to answer your questions, or keeps replying with “ ermmmmmmmmmm, ermmmmmm” more than usual ,  it may  indicate that he/she is being  dishonest at the time and looking for a way out .  When you are saying the truth no matter how bad it is meant to be flawless and consistent, during winter, summer, autumn or spring. Because telling a lie is a creation of an untruth it will take time to come up with it, although I must commend some people who are masters in the game. They breathe, sleep and eat lies. What a tasking life this would be.

    1. Change in repetition of questions before answering the questions

    If your spouse has the habit of answering question with question repeatedly, then you need to watch out. They may fake ignorance of not understanding your question and appear angry because you are not allowing them time to assimilate the question so they can concoct the lie. This may be another way to identify when you are being told a lie. The pause before response to a question means a lot, and when you get to experience this pause all the time, then there is a problem at hand.

    What to do if you have a liar as a spouse

    It is not a good thing to discover your spouse is a liar. Sadness and distrust can destroy your joy with that person. It could be overwhelming and emotionally draining. There are certain actions to take when someone lies to you in a relationship. They are addressed below.

    • Talk to your partner one on one, no third party please

    Don’t go about reporting to people saying: “Do you know my spouse is a liar?”  you will need to settle this amicably without drama or causing a scene, please try, it is not easy but try, start the conversation in a quiet place with very minimal people incase all hell breaks loose, especially if you do not know how to control yourself. Don’t start the conversation shouting and screaming “you are a liar “up and down. You can inform your partner about your findings or tell them what you feel about him/her not telling the truth and how it is hurting both of you. It’s best to take a calm approach not to intensify the tension. You could use stylish language and not be too direct a figure of speech instead of speaking literally to have a reduced effect, so it doesn’t appear you are being aggressive on the issue, if you feel you can’t deal from the start? You have a right to walk away.

    • Try to wait for an explanation

    Most times when people realize their secret has been exposed, they will be surprised. Liars don’t like confrontation, they sometimes believe they will never be caught, this comes especially to the skilled ones who have gained a degree or maybe PHD in telling lies. But I would personally advise you give your partner a chance to explain, try not roll your eyes too much when they start the explanation. What you need to seek for first is the motive behind the lie. Along the lie, they may apologise or express sadness at lying to you, but don’t count on it 100 per cent, as you may not get the apology you expect.

    • It makes sense to present your evidence

    If your spouse continues to insist that they are telling the truth, this would now be a perfect time to present your evidence of the issue at hand. This move could either get an outright confession or turn to aggression, if they feel their back is against the wall, be careful when doing this.  When this happens, make your partner recognize that your trust for him/her has been lost. This announcement will make your partner severely humiliated.  A lot of people take trust for granted, it is human, no big deal because it happens all the time. They will either choose then to stop lying to you or call it quits be prepared.

    • Realization that your spouse will not stop the lies
  • Nigerian delicacies you should try this weekend

    Nigerian delicacies you should try this weekend

    By Praise Olowe

     

    Nigeria, with her diverse ethnic groups, has several foods delicacies that even some Nigerians are yet to try.

    These ethnic groups are diversified by varying factors including culture, language, beliefs and even food choices. Although Nigeria is diverse, food among other things have a way of unifying the people.

    Western influences have, however, transformed the Nigerian culture in many ways including eating habits. We have become comfortable with canned, frozen and well packaged food found in supermarkets and malls.

    Interestingly, we have so many foods and are creative with them, which is why we can adopt anything that is not ours and come up with interesting stuff. We have our adopted jollof rice which doesn’t have its roots in Nigeria but many of us are not aware of.

    Since we have Nigerianized it, we can afford to have social media wars with Ghana to prove that the Nigerian jollof rice is better.

    The Nigerian chapman is something else I recently read of. Until I did, I never imagined that Nigeria had its own variant of chapman. How many other dishes have we colonized? The list is a handful.

    There are, however, some Nigerian foods that we most likely did not “colonize” because they are peculiar to certain parts of Nigeria. You may also want to try them out.

    There is no doubt, most of us find it difficult preparing our local recipes. Nevertheless, these traditional recipes have nutritious value.

    You might want to try some of these numerous recipes, below is a few Nigerian traditional recipe you should try.

    Iyan (pounded yam) and ishapa

    Iyan
    Iyan

    Iyan (pounded yam) is one of the Nigerian fufu recipes, made from pounding boiled yam repeatedly. It is common among the Ondo and Ekiti people. Ishapa is a tangy vegetable used to make egusi soup served with pounded yam. It is mostly eaten by the Ondo and Ekiti people. It originated from Zobo (roselle)  a woody shrub of the hibiscus species (hibiscus sabdariffa ). The leaves are used as vegetables. Ishapa has lot of health benefits such as Lowers cholesterol, Boosting the immune system (from its high levels of vitamin and antioxidants), Decreases inflammation of the kidneys, Decreases occurrence of urinary tract infections, diuretic properties (helps with water retention) and many more. How to prepare.

    Starch and Banga soup

    Banga
    Banga soup

    Starch (Usi) is a popular delicacy in the Southern part of Nigeria especially with people from Delta state. It’s the major type of “swallow” used in eating the popular Banga soup. It’s made from the common starch used in laundry in Nigeria. How to prepare

    Abula

    Abula
    Amala & Ewedu Abula

    Abula is a wonderful Yoruba soup. It is a mixture of gbegiri (bean soup) and ewedu (draw soup).  Amala (yam flour) is a solid brown paste  made from yam or cassava flour which has been peeled, cleaned, dried and blended into a flour and is simply delicious. There are two types of amala which are yam flour (amala isu) and cassava flour ( amala lafun). Abula and Amala is just a perfect match, you should give it a try. How to prepare

    Masa

    Masa
    Masa food

    Masa is a northern staple similar to a pan-fried rice cake. You can experiment with some onion and ginger to derive that perfect taste. Traditionally, Masa is made into oval shape. How to prepare

    Fufu and ofe owerri

    Fufu and ofe owerri
    Fufu and ofe owerri

    This is a nutritious traditional meal, loved and eaten by Owerri people. Ofe owerri is basically made with assorted fish, mixed with green vegetable. Fufu is a starchy accompaniment for ofe owerri soup. It is made with a flour made from a cassava plant. This meal is popular for it rich taste and nutritional value. How to prepare

    Eba and Edikangikong

    Edikangikong
    Eba and Edikangikong

    Eba is made from cassava flour popularly known as garri. Edikangikong is another traditional meal, eaten by the native of Efiks, Akwa ibom and cross river. It is prepared with a great quantity of pumpkin leave and waterleave. It is nourishing in every sense. Eba and Edikangikong is just perfect. How to prepare

    Abacha and Ugba

    Abacha

    It is popularly known as African Salad. It is made with dried shredded cassava(Abacha) and fermented oil bean seeds(Ugba). Your African salad will not be complete without ugba. How to prepare

    Tuwo masara

    Tuwo masara
    Tuwo and Masara

    This is a corn flour dish popularly eaten in the Northern part of Nigeria.To prepare tuwon masara you must first let your maize dry and afterwards grinded. Let your water boil and then pour the grinded maize fine particles, stir and allow it to harden until it become like a firm dough. Tuwon Masara can be eaten with different type of soups and it has nutritional values. How to prepare

    Miyan Taushe

    Miyan
    Miyan Taushe

    Miyan Taushe is a Pumpkin soup popular among the Hausas in Nigeria. It is prepared with ripe pumpkin meat and enjoyed by both young and old. There are different species of Pumpkin, but the Gourd type is very common in Nigeria, nevertheless, feel free to make use of any species you can get as long as it is ripe. How to prepare.

  • The truth about lying in your relationship (1)

    BIMPE (not real name) needed to get to a party over the weekend, and had no idea how she would escape from her spouse. So she cooked up an excuse for her husband, Soji. “Sweetheart, our company has organized a training and I was selected as one of the participants.” Soji agreed and was ready to take care of the kids, though he was a man who lacked exposure and didn’t allow his wife go for “owambe”, which is the reason why Bimpe decided to tell a lie. And yes she went for the party nothing happened because Soji didn’t know the true story. I am not saying all women are like this. This is just an example of lie being told to a spouse. There are many more examples of various lies people tell in their relationships.  Over time as we mature, there are certain things we shouldn’t tolerate in any relationship. Our lives are complicated with the problems we face in our economy relating to our careers, family, friends, in-laws, enemies and even ‘frienemies’, sometimes it is all too much to handle. Then we now add a new relationship to the mix, or managing an existing one and you have one more issue with which you have to deal with called LIES!

    If you discover that your partner has lied to you, should you stay with such a person?  It all depends on you as a person. How much are you willing to put up with it and how much time are you willing to spend with such a person whom you have now identified as a liar.

    The key ingredient in any relationship to survive is trust, especially as we grow older. This is very important because if there is no trust, the centre cannot and will not hold, no matter how beautiful, handsome, sexy, great in bed and rich this person may be. Coupled with respect and love, trust is an ingredient that gives you a strong basis as a couple or in any relationship such as colleague at work, business partner etc. While trust is a bond, it is also a tenuous one, easily broken, if one of the partners constantly lies. A partner may tolerate it first, second and third time, but after a while they will eventually get tired of tolerating. LIES about your financial level e.g how much you make or have in your account are also trust breakers, it’s a hard pill to swallow but the fact remains not everyone likes to come clean on exactly how much they are worth

    There are also some lies we don’t want to hear (no one likes any sort of lies really). Lies such as, “I didn’t call because my cell phone battery was low or died.” Or,” I was at work”. For anyone who consistently lies the reality is that this person feels lies are acceptable, and will always have reasons why he or she should lie. He or she may lie about the reason they came home late or say they did something that needed to be done but in reality didn’t do it.  The thing with lies is that, it may start small and you may keep getting away with it, they may not be major lies, but gradually they will progress into major ones and become uncontrollable, it may not mean you are committing adultery or hiding money from your spouse, but a pattern is being established where lying becomes second nature to the truth, when your lies become a truth to you, it has now become a habit and difficult to stop.

    As mature individuals you may have to stop making excuses for the person who lies to you over and over again and face the reality of the situation that your spouse is a LIAR. That person is not going to change and you can’t expect him or her to be truthful, they will lose track of the lies as one lie leads to another lie, then another lie and yet another lie, till it becomes a web they cannot be free from.

    Relationships are made up of many important parts. People are willing to put up with various behaviour with their spouses just for the sake of keeping “hope” alive or maintain an appearance that all is well when in reality all is NOT well.

    Signals that your partner is a liar

    Unfortunately, it is not all the time you can tell when you are being lied to in a relationship. Nonetheless, when a partner’s actions seem shady and unexplainable, or when you cannot connect the dots, it might signify dishonesty. These signs are listed and discussed below.

    1. Change of tempo in your spouse’s voice

    If you’re the type who talks a lot with your spouse, you practically become used to his/her voice. When your partner is lying, you notice a slight change of tone in their voice, either going higher or lower. To others, it might not be noticeable, but to you who has held several conversations with your partner and knows them well, especially if you have been together for a while, then that change is detected immediately, even if it is subconscious. Your mind will speak to you, showing you that all is not well. Unless you want to deceive yourself, you will see the signs.

    1. Change in eye contact

    When having a conversation with your spouse, he/she who was previously looking directly into your eyes while talking suddenly answers a question looking away from you or quickly finding something else to look at, that may be a sign of dishonesty. It is either the person is embarrassed about telling a lie that the guilt forces the person to look away from the other’s eyes. Or be that the spouse is trying to organize their thoughts in order to flow with the lie being told, remember we said one lie leads to another and another and another, trust me it is hard work. When your spouse avoids looking into your eyes or in your direction when answering a question of yours, it could be a sign that something is wrong. A lot of betrayals happen in this way; the eyes are window to a mans soul.

    1. Change in recollection of events

    Remember we mentioned earlier that telling lies is connected and hard work to create a perfect lie. Making the lie to suit certain events that have already happened could be complicated if not done well. The liar himself could divulge a lie by himself/herself.

  • Civil way to say it’s over

    RELATIONSHIP building takes a lot of factors to set it in motion; sustain the motion and thereafter ensure that the motion never becomes motionless. Everyday, the parties involved must make compromising sacrifices; have mutual respect for each other’s feelings. Ideally, relationships should be for keeps, it should be nurtured. Couples should learn the act of tolerance not endurance; couples should make deliberate efforts to remain friends. In other words, couples should ensure that the laughter, the fun of being in each other’s company must remain evergreen.

    Building a relationship can take so much passion, effort, energy, but what happens after you must have done everything written in the books? What happens when the proverbial ‘song’ stops playing? What happens after you have done all in your power to make it work, yet it fails? What if the love and the passion you once felt for the other person suddenly dies? Or what if the other party simply stops loving you and suddenly decides to move on in life without you? Should you continue flogging the proverbial ‘dead horse’?

    Are there nice ways to end it all? Do you simply tell the other party, it’s over or apply a more severe approach? A very close friend of mine, Yinka recently told me a story that simply put broke my heart. As I quietly drove home; after paying him a visit over the weekend; I simply could not bring myself to even begin to understand why some people would take the love of a spouse for granted. I could not understand why a spouse would talk a love so dear, so rare and throw it right in the other partner’s face and still live with themselves. It is unfortunate. This could cost the couple a lot and God forbid; it could end a relationship or worse still, a marriage. The reason why my dear heart is bleeding over this issue, is because it take a lot for a man to call up a female friend and simply open up his heart. Men seldom discuss their emotions but then they do; I listen, I listen because it takes a lot of courage on their part to get in touch with their feminine side and open up. So many women are guilty of breakups in relationships. I have not said that men are completely blameless in that regard, I am just saying that a lot depends on women to make it work. That a man is crazily or madly in love with us does not make him a fool, neither should he or his feelings be taken for granted. If you have opted from your adult mind to marry or date a guy, please make efforts to make it work. No matter the number of times you hit the sack ensure that it does not in anyway stop you from having a mutual respect for each other.

    Back to Yinka’s story. He told me how he got involved with a lady I will call Miss X. The feelings they had for each other was very passionate. They found love and they mutually chose to nurture it. Things were wonderful between them until Yinka’s mother had a little accommodation problem and had to temporarily move into her son’s apartment. Miss X became uncomfortable with this arrangement and would not have it. For her, their home was made for herself, her man, her own relations. To her, Yinka’s mum was an unwelcome guest. Contrary to the animosity she felt towards her mother in-law; Yinka’s mum on her part did everything womanly, no, humanly possible to make her daughter in-law happy. She cooked, cleaned, shopped, in a nutshell; she ensured she did virtually all the house chores before Miss X would get home from work. Just to ease the pressure for Miss X when she got home.

    But, according to Yinka, every hand of friendship his mum extended to Miss X was either misunderstood or simply thrown back to her face. In order for peace to reign, Yinka took it all; he tolerated it all; he even endured it all; even though the longer he stayed in the relationship, the more hostility his woman continued to throw in his mother’s direction. His mother was treated like a maid or even worse than a maid, yet Yinka stayed committed to the relationship.

    The ‘scale’ began to gradually fall off his eyes according to him, when suddenly Miss X as if feeling her hostility towards her mother in-law was not severe enough came up with sudden dos and don’ts. Yinka watched the girl he once loved and cherished turn from an angel to a monster. First she stopped her mother in-law from ever entering the kitchen and then she began to starve her. She would give her man food at 10 p.m. (that is when she gets back from work) and then pretend to forget to serve his mother. She made his five-year-old daughter from his first marriage wash her clothes and bed sheets if she wet the bed. The list of her atrocities was endless. Initially her man was not initially aware of this new development. But the day he got to know was the day he told himself some bitter home-truth. He knew this union was definitely over. How to end it thereafter became the issue. To cut a very long story short, he waited one fateful morning for her to leave for work; he called up a few friends, hired a truck and then moved his belongings and of course his mother’s out of the apartment. It has been three years and he has not looked back. He also got his mother a separate and more comfortable apartment with two maids to a match. He said to me that Miss X till now has since sought and is still seeking a reconciliation, but Vera, ‘over my dead body will I go back to that monster that calls herself a woman’

    A top female pastor I admire so much, based in the United States of America, was suddenly called up on the phone by her husband’s lawyers, suing her for a divorce. It was devastating for her.

    She was devastated because the one that cheated all through their married life even though they were both pastors was her husband. According to her, he had virtually slept with all the female members of the church and yet she continued to overlook and tolerate just to ensure that the marriage did not hit the rocks. That the marriage was ending was not what grieved her, it was the selfless efforts she had put in just to make it work that shattered her. She felt used and dumped.

    She has been trying to find her feet since he left her and the kids, but I am happy to say that she is back to the big screen, looking better than have ever. I am sure she has simply decided to move on.

    Relationships are meant to last for ever. But this is life. Things happen. People change. I am sure you can tell that I am incurably romantic and I love happy endings. But I am no fool. I know that relationships differ from person to person. I am fully aware that some unions are meant to last forever. In fact, I advocate that people must make their relationships work at all cost

    To the two categories of people, I wish you well in whatever position you find yourself today, whether you were dumped or you dumped someone. My worry is not whether you end it or when you end it or if you should even end it in the first place. My worry is how you end it. Are you civil with the way you end it? Like Jerry Springer would say: ‘Take care of yourselves and each other’.

  • 4 steps to saving your marriage after an affair

    Your marriage doesn’t have to end if you or your spouse were caught cheating. But you will have to work hard. Even newlyweds have cheated, says Janis Abrahms Spring, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Westport, Conn. and author of ‘After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding the Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful’ . If one of you has cheated, you can still save your marriage. Here are tips for saving your marriage after an affair –

    •End the affair – The unfaithful spouse must have a funeral for the extramarital relationship, says Spring. Essentially, he or she must kill the affair by ending it in no uncertain terms. In other words, the cheating spouse must agree to never contact or accept contact from his or her lover again.

    •Understand why the affair happened -“The affair tells a story that must be understood,” says Spring. “Otherwise, why wouldn’t it happen again?” There are many reasons why people cheat. A few examples of the type who might cheat include someone who always followed the rules and never deviated from the pack, someone who felt his parent’s favored his siblings and seeks attention, and someone who is jealous of the time and affection his wife is now sharing with their children. The point is, however, that you have to get to the bottom of what led your spouse to cheat and try to address whatever needs addressing internally and in your relationship.

    •Turn to each other – After an affair, couples might have a lot of anger and resentment toward one another. They should not dwell on those emotions. Instead, they should look to the future. “Treat each other they way you would like to feel and not the way you actually feel at the moment,” says Spring. “Treat each other with respect, tenderness, and care.” Don’t take each other for granted either. “The after glow wears off, and people lose consciousness of how they treat each other,” says Spring.

    •Re-build trust – Those who have cheated must earn the trust of their spouses again. You’re starting from scratch, so it won’t be easy. Spring suggests you regularly check in, commit to therapy and working on the relationship, answer phone calls from your spouse, be where you say you are going to be, and tell the truth. If you lie or seem like you’re hiding something, your spouse will be brought back to the affair and your behavior during that time. Honesty could save your marriage.

    Those who heal after adversity focus on finding a solution to the problem instead of focusing on the problem. In other words, if you are someone who can’t let go of the idea that your spouse was unfaithful you will have a harder time healing.

    If you are someone who focuses on rebuilding the lost trust and stay open minded about finding solutions you are more likely to save your marriage and heal. The good news is, we can all be solution oriented folks. We can all develop the insight needed to work through marital infidelity and either save a marriage or move on to rebuild and be productive in life.

    The first place to start is with empathy for yourself and your spouse. I truly believe that the first step to healing from any kind of betrayal is an understanding of not only our own feelings but the feelings of the one who betrayed us.

    People who are empathetic are sensitive to their experiences and the experiences of others. You’ve heard the old saying, “walk a mile in my shoes?” This can’t be truer than when attempting to find solutions to marital problems that damage the trust we have in a partner.

    So, I urge you to not only be gentle with yourself but to put effort toward empathizing with the spouse who has hurt you. Doing so leaves little room for anger to take hold, anger that can keep you focused on the problem instead of solutions to the problem.

     

  • How to have a better relationship

    Can you spot a good relationship? Of course, nobody knows what really goes on between any couple, but decades of scientific research into love, sex and relationships have taught us that some behaviour can predict when a couple is on solid ground or headed for troubled waters. Good relationships don’t happen overnight. They take commitment, compromise, forgiveness and most of all — effort. Keep reading for the latest in relationship science, fun quizzes and helpful tips to help you build a stronger bond with your partner.

    Love and romance

    Falling in love is the easy part. The challenge for couples is how to rekindle the fires of romance from time to time and cultivate the mature, trusting love that is the hallmark of a lasting relationship.

    What’s your love style?

    When you say “I love you,” what do you mean?

    Terry Hatkoff, a California State University sociologist, has created a love scale that identifies six distinct types of love found in our closest relationships.

    • Romantic: Based on passion and sexual attraction
    • Best Friends: Fondness and deep affection
    • Logical: Practical feelings based on shared values, financial goals, religion and so on
    • Playful: Feelings evoked by flirtation or feeling challenged
    • Possessive: Jealousy and obsession
    • Unselfish: Nurturing, kindness, and sacrifice

    Researchers have found that the love we feel in our most committed relationships is typically a combination of two or three different forms of love. But often, two people in the same relationship can have very different versions of how they define love. Dr. Hatkoff gives the example of a man and woman having dinner. The waiter flirts with the woman, but the husband doesn’t seem to notice, and talks about changing the oil in her car. The wife is upset her husband isn’t jealous. The husband feels his extra work isn’t appreciated.

    What does this have to do with love? The man and woman each define love differently. For him, love is practical, and is best shown by supportive gestures like car maintenance. For her, love is possessive, and a jealous response by her husband makes her feel valued.

    Understanding what makes your partner feel loved can help you navigate conflict and put romance back into your relationship. You and your partner can take the Love Style quiz from Dr. Hatkoff and find out how each of you defines love. If you learn your partner tends toward jealousy, make sure you notice when someone is flirting with him or her. If your partner is practical in love, notice the many small ways he or she shows love by taking care of everyday needs.

    Reignite romance

    Romantic love has been called a “natural addiction” because it activates the brain’s reward centre, notably the dopamine pathways associated with drug addiction, alcohol and gambling. But those same pathways are also associated with novelty, energy, focus, learning, motivation, ecstasy and craving. No wonder we feel so energized and motivated when we fall in love!

    Individuals in the early stage of intense romantic love show many symptoms of substance and non-substance.

    But we all know that romantic, passionate love fades a bit over time, and (we hope) matures into a more contented form of committed love. Even so, many couples long to rekindle the sparks of early courtship. But is it possible?

    The relationship researcher Arthur Aron, a psychology professor who directs the Interpersonal Relationships Laboratory at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, has found a way. The secret? Do something new and different — and make sure you do it together. New experiences activate the brain’s reward system, flooding it with dopamine and norepinephrine. These are the same brain circuits that are ignited in early romantic love. Whether you take a pottery class or go on a white-water rafting trip, activating your dopamine systems while you are together can help bring back the excitement you felt on your first date. In studies of couples, Dr. Aron has found that partners who regularly share new experiences report greater boosts in marital happiness than those who simply share pleasant but familiar experiences.

    Diagnose your passion level

    The psychology professor Elaine Hatfield has suggested that the love we feel early in a relationship is different than what we feel later. Early on, love is “passionate,” meaning we have feelings of intense longing for our mate. Longer-term relationships develop “companionate love,” which can be described as a deep affection, and strong feelings of commitment and intimacy.

    Where does your relationship land on the spectrum of love? The Passionate Love Scale, developed by Dr. Hatfield, of the University of Hawaii, and Susan Sprecher, a psychology and sociology professor at Illinois State University, can help you gauge the passion level of your relationship. Once you see where you stand, you can start working on injecting more passion into your partnership. Note that while the scale is widely used by relationship researchers who study love, the quiz is by no means the final word on the health of your relationship. Take it for fun and let the questions inspire you to talk to your partner about passion. After all, you never know where the conversation might lead.

    How deep is your love?

    A simple quiz to determine how you score on the passionate love scale.

    Sex

    For most couples, the more sex they have, the happier the relationship.

    How much sex are you having?

    Let’s start with the good news. Committed couples really do have more sex than everyone else. Don’t believe it? While it’s true that single people can regale you with stories of crazy sexual episodes, remember that single people also go through long dry spells. A March 2017 report found that 15 percent of men and 27 percent of women reported they hadn’t had sex in the past year. And 9 percent of men and 18 percent of women say they haven’t had sex in five years. The main factors associated with a sexless life are older age and not being married. So whether you’re having committed or married sex once a week, once a month or just six times a year, the fact is that there’s still someone out there having less sex than you. And if you’re one of those people NOT having sex, this will cheer you up: Americans who are not having sex are just as happy as their sexually-active counterparts.

    Although sexual activity is commonly believed to be a key component of emotional well-being, little is known abo…

    But who’s counting?

    Even though most people keep their sex lives private, we do know quite a bit about people’s sex habits. The data come from a variety of sources, including the General Social Survey, which collects information on behaviour in the United States and the International Social Survey Programme, a similar study that collects international data, and additional studies from people who study sex like the famous Kinsey Institute. A recent trend is that sexual frequency is declining among millennials, likely because they are less likely than earlier generations to have steady partners.

    American adults had sex about nine fewer times per year in the early 2010s compared to the late 1990s.

    Based on that research, here’s some of what we know about sex:

    • The average adult has sex 54 times a year.
    • The average sexual encounter lasts about 30 minutes.
    • About 5 percent of people have sex at least three times a week.
    • People in their 20s have sex more than 80 times per year.
    • People in their 40s have sex about 60 times a year.
    • Sex drops to 20 times per year by age 65.
    • After the age of 25, sexual frequency declines 3.2 percent annually.
    • After controlling for age and time period, those born in the 1930s had sex the most often; people born in the 1990s (millennials) had sex the least often.
    • About 20 percent of people, most of them widows, have been celibate for at least a year.
    • The typical married person has sex an average of 51 times a year.
    • “Very Happy” couples have sex, on average, 74 times a year.
    • Married people under 30 have sex about 112 times a year; single people under 30 have sex about 69 times a year.
    • Married people in their 40s have sex 69 times a year; single people in their 40s have sex 50 times a year.
    • Active people have more sex.
    • People who drink alcohol have 20 percent more sex than teetotalers.
    • On average, extra education is associated with about a week’s worth of less sex each year.

    Early and often

    One of the best ways to make sure your sex life stays robust in a long relationship is to have a lot of sex early in the relationship. A University of Georgia study of more than 90,000 women in 19 countries in Asia, Africa and the Americas found that the longer a couple is married, the less often they have sex, but that the decline appears to be relative to how much sex they were having when they first coupled. Here’s a look at frequency of married sex comparing the first year of marriage with the 10th year of marriage.

    Why does sex decline in marriage? It’s a combination of factors — sometimes it’s a health issue, the presence of children, boredom or unhappiness in the relationship. But a major factor is age. One study found sexual frequency declines 3.2 percent a year after the age of 25. The good news is that what married couples lack in quantity they make up for in quality. Data from the National Health and Social Life Survey found that married couples have more fulfilling sex than single people.

    The no-sex marriage

    Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

    It’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year.  Some sexless marriages started out with very little sex. Others in sexless marriages say childbirth or an affair led to a slowing and eventually stopping of sex. People in sexless marriages are generally less happy and more likely to have considered divorce than those who have regular sex with their spouse or committed partner.

  • What has age got to do with it?

    I have said it before and I will say it again, love is where you find it. You see, when it comes to matters of the heart, you cannot choose who you fall in love with. I have seen and read it all. I have seen and read about men falling in love with girls two times younger than they are. I have seen and read about women falling for men much older or even very much younger than they are. You think it is news? I don’t think so.

    Love is a natural phenomenon that will happen to an individual, when it will happen. As humans, we have very little contributions as to whom we fall in love with. Age-gap relationships need to be flexible, and who ever said or why do so many people believe that true love can only exist between people of the same age. On the average, women are attracted to the personality and the level of intelligence of a man while on the other hand the men are attracted to the looks.

    If one is in love with an individual, it is on a very rare occasion that the age of the partner will became an object of discourse. Age should not be a factor when in a relationship, what should matter is the joy you derive from being in each other’s company; how much fun you have together, everything you have in common, and how you feel when you are in each other’s arms. Having read and written on relationships, I have had one reason or the others to speak with different individuals on what they would look out for in a relationship.

    I have heard ladies say they would fall for a tall, dark and handsome guy only to end up with the opposite. I have also listened to men who would say ‘I’d die for a slim, tall babe and end up with the opposite. What do you think happened? I can boldly tell you that ‘love’ happened! When it does, it simply sweeps one off their feet and you can even begin to explain it. Little wonder why it is said that ‘love is blind’.

    The truth is, when it comes to love; anything can happen. You might think it’s not possible to fall in love with a man or woman younger or older than you but as it is with most things you might think it is impossible to fly an airplane or even walk on the moon; but these things are very possible. Recently, I was watching a ‘red carpet’ moment on one of my favourite TV stations, Channel ‘E’ while the stars took their turns in being captured by the camera; even as they flaunted their dresses and suits alike. Something else caught my attention.

    What caught my attention on that particular award event was a once-upon a favourite actress of mine Demi Moore. Demi Moore, was the lead actress in films like ‘Ghost’ we are no Angels and so many best-selling movies. She is a celebrity and star in every sense of the word. But, it is not her acting panache and finesse that caught my fancy on that day. It was her date. Her date was a fine young man almost half her age.

    So, I got thinking, has our great Demi Moore, found love in the arms of a younger man? I bet you she is not alone in this, the Madonas, Mariah Careys, have also found love in the arms of men young enough to be their younger ones. And they seem very happy.

    Of course, the men are not left out in this. In fact in the case of the men a greater percentage of them meet and fall in love with much, much younger ladies. Take for instance. Dr. Duro Soleye who met and fell in love with an ex-beauty queen Nike Oshinowo and today they are happily married. I have also observed that our society has still not come to the point where love affairs between couples with huge age differences are appreciated.

    It is wrong. It is unfair. People do not choose love, people find love. Why is it that when an older man for instance starts falling in love to a much younger woman, tongues start wagging? As far as society is concerned no young woman falls in love with a man old enough to be her daddy without the bait of money.

    Things are fast changing; the world is becoming more globalised as the years progress. Today, a lot of women take care of themselves so that even at 40, they always look younger. And the young men who now hold mostly executive jobs are so mature they could add five or ten years to their ages without a raised-eye brow. When these two sets of people come together, the age difference is hardly noticeable.

    When the experiences of an older lover clash with the younger lover’s energy and vitality, the result can be quite astonishing.

    When two people with huge age-gap fall in love, the older lover is more caring and more loving. You wouldn’t ask for more. Love is a unique and beautiful thing. According to Dolly Parton, the songstress, ‘love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing’. Please, I beg you; if you find it, with that special person, do not allow age difference, language barrier, financial matters, or  physical looks deter you.

  • ‘My husband slapped me for asking him to wash plates’

    A mother of two who pleaded anonymity has taken to social media to ask members of the public whether it was wrong to ask her husband to do the dishes.

    According to her, her husband lost his business to scam and she has been the one catering for the family with the little she earns from her restaurant business.

    She said: “Truly, My husband was the one who opened the restaurant for me, I cook very well and I still do my cooking by myself as I only direct my staffs on what to do.

    “My husband lost his business to scam and since then it’s been me carrying the responsibilities, most of my staffs left because I could not pay them and at some point, all of them left and I had to do everything by myself.

    Read Also: Police arraign husband, pregnant concubine for assaulting wife

    “My husband is doing nothing yet, he just sits at home and maybe go pick the kids from school and all, so yesterday I had lots of customers in the shop, I was doing everything by myself, so as soon as my husband walked in, I asked him to help me rush to wash a few plates while I serve, and he looked at me in some strange way, I repeated myself and he slapped me in public, and walked out.

    “I ignored the embarrassment and even most of my customers left, when I got home I noticed that he moved his things, I called his phone and he said he is in his friends place till he gets a job he will come home, that I should take care of the kids.

    “He cut the call I tried to call and the next he blocked me.

    “What did I do wrong, who is supposed to be upset? I just need to clear my conscience.”

     

     

     

    Source: BOM

  • Eight reasons to stay single

    There is always pressure on individuals who have attained the age to be in a romantic relationship.

    Sometimes this pressure comes from family, at other times from friends.

    However, there are compelling reasons to stay single! It’s worth thinking about those before rushing into a relationship.

    According to the Law of Attraction, it is better to be fully ready before getting into a romantic relationship.

    Check the reasons:

    1. Clichés about Single People Miss the Mark

    Firstly, some people assume that being single means you are unsociable, unattractive, selfish or immature.

    Consequently, you may feel pressured to be in a relationship, even if you don’t really want to be in one or haven’t really found a suitable partner.

    The reality is that single people can thrive, be deeply charismatic and entirely unselfish all while staying single.

    Try to let go of the idea that being single means you’re not successful.

    2. You May Not Love Yourself Yet

    It’s said a lot, but that’s because it’s true: You can’t truly love someone else until you’ve learned to love yourself.

    If you’re still working on your self-esteem or on getting to know yourself, it’s well worth putting off the formation of romantic relationships. This way, if or when you do decide to find a partner, you can go into it as a confident, self-aware individual who has a good sense of their own needs.

    3. You May Not Be Happy Yet

    On a related note, so many people rush into a relationship hoping that it will fix their problems or make them feel happy. Just as with self-esteem, you need to learn how to be happy on your own so that you don’t put this kind of burden on a relationship.

    Spend time figuring out what you want your life to look like! Plus, focus on finding pursuits that you can enjoy as a single person.

    4. Being Single Provides Freedom

    It’s also important to remember that there are pros and cons to being in a committed relationship.

    The spontaneity available to you as a single person is not to be taken for granted… You can spend your money as you like, live how you want, book last minute trips and plan solely according to what you want.

    Perhaps this is a time in your life when it’s important to simply enjoy that freedom, lest you resent giving it up too quickly.

    5. You May Be Carrying Too Much Baggage

    When you struggle to manifest something that you want, like love, it is often because you’re still holding too much negative emotion about that thing.

    If you stay single long enough to process your feelings and thoughts about past relationships, you can attract and fully commit to a loving, stable connection with a new person.

    6. Friendships Are Just As Valuable

    Yes, you can certainly maintain friendships while dating, but the more significant relationships you have (as well as other life commitments) the harder it is to keep up with them all.

    One reason for staying single is that you might be just as fulfilled by loving friendships as you would by romance. And, unlike romance, those friendships allow you complete autonomy over all your life choices.

    7. There Are Unhealthy Reasons To Want A Relationship

    Another reason why you might be better off single right now is that you may not be motivated by a genuine desire for love. Perhaps, instead, you want to make an ex-partner jealous, you struggle with your own company, or maybe you want to fit in with your social group.

    Whatever the underlying reason, until you are in a place where you want to pursue love for its own sake, you won’t be able to manifest the partnership that’s really right for you.

    8. Being Single Allows Exploration

    Whether you want the freedom to casually date without commitment or want more literal exploration

    This fosters personal development. It also reduces the risk of you feeling resentful if or when you do decide that you want to leave the single life behind.