BOREDOM: “We’ve gotten into the worst rut. We do the same things every weekend. He never has any ideas or takes any initiative to plan anything.” We heard this several times from frustrated ladies who were sensing a complete lack of interest or passion from their mates. To keep a relationship thriving, you’ve got to keep it interesting and put some thought and energy into it. What’s that they say about tending to the garden? Well, it’s true.
Wherefore art thou chemistry?
Some women get addicted to that initial stage–the warm feeling in the pit of your stomach when you know you are going to see your love. As anyone knows who has been in a relationship long enough, chemistry often fades, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but for some that means it’s time to move on. It may not be the most mature point of view, but it’s a choice women make when the sparks have dwindled.
There is such a thing as “healthy separateness” in a relationship. It’s important that both women and men retain their own friends, own activities and personal interests after they get together. When your partner becomes the end-all-be-all, they also may make you incredibly resentful at what you have given up to be with them. The best couples figure out how to maintain their own identities as individuals as well.
Constant criticism
It creeps into a relationship, eventually killing any warm and loving feelings a woman might have for her guy. The constant need to nit-pick and criticize every little thing she is doing “wrong” will usually a) knock the wind out of her sails until she feels depleted and then b), she is going to start caring less about putting any effort into the relationship until c) she realizes she must protect herself and self-esteem, and heads for the door. There really is something to be said for, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything.”
THEY are both women and have occupied political offices at different times. But there is more that former Minister of Finance, Dr Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and former Lagos State commissioner and woman leader of the All Progressives Congress (APC), Chief (Mrs) Kemi Nelson, have in common than gender and career. The two amazons share a unique style of exquisite perch headgear that tends to set them apart from the crowd of other women.
They are not only numbered among top class Nigerians whose accomplishments and unique styles inspire others, they also lend credence to the saying that people who give out double doses of inspiration every time they appear in public are not usually generalists; they inspire because they are masters of a particular item of style.
Fashion buffs agree that one item that most elegant African women cannot do without is the headgear. Whether as ankara, aso oke or gele fabric, their dressing is never considered complete without one. In fact it is like the scarf or jacket that everyone wears in the West during winter.
Okonjo-Iweala and Nelson have a unique way of knotting their head gear/scarf. Both seem incapable of stepping out or attending a social event without stylishly perching their headgear on the forehead. It is a style with which they have become inseparable over the years.
There is no gainsaying the fact that they have succeeded in using their head ties to create a distinct image of themselves.
Mrs Mercy Ayodele is the candidate of the Restoration Party of Nigeria (RPN) in the September 22 governorship election in Osun State. In this interview with BISI OLADELE, she describes politics as “very hectic and deep,” but said it should not be left to professional politicians alone. The finance expert and mother -of-three also reveals why women are better managers and the reason behind her hope of becoming the first female governor of the state of the virtue (Ipinle Omoluabi)
What made you join the governorship race?
What actually bought me to limelight is just because of the situation of the state and the country at large. We must accept that women are the most endangered specie in politics. So, I felt it’s time we women stood up and stop being in the other room and come out . We have the potentials and we have what it takes.
A woman is always like five-in-one; we are the home managers, we are always into career, we take care of the children, we take care of our husbands. If we can do that ,we can as well manage a nation.
You refer to leaving the other room. What did you mean by that?
Well, most people believe that women are meant to be at home taking care of the home front, taking care of the kitchen and not coming out like this to face the big wigs who are mostly men. So they believe we are meant to be in the room or in the kitchen serving them . But nowadays, the current president of Germany is a woman, a mother . And I must tell you , a mother is always emotional. A good mother will always take care of the family. For example if she cooks and wants to dish out the food, the first food she will dish is for her husband, the children,even the visitors. Sometimes the mother at home will not even eat or may be left with just a little. She is always in charge of taking care of people. So, I felt it’s time we came out and take good care of our people instead of deceiving them.
Governorship race is a big project. How did you come about your conviction that you deserve to be a governor, not a councilor, House of Assembly member etc?
Well it’s all about vision. If you have vision you are going to get there. Like I always say, I’m giving it to my husband. When this race was about to start, he was the one that said “you can do it.” By saying that he knew I have the potentials of doing it. He said you can do it and when I look back I will always say “thank you” to him for giving me the opportunity to be where I am today in the political terrain.
Is he still supporting your ambition on this project?
Yes. He is very, very supportive. We are i nto it together. He is always there.
When it settled in your mind that you needed to vie for governorship, why didn’t you join one of the popularly parties such as APC, PDP etc?
I always tell people that when you want to join any political party or any organization, you have to first of all check the ideology of the organization. I think the ideology of Restoration Party fits my own ideology. RPN is a female-friendly political party and also it’s very very friendly to those who are physically challenged. It is a very good platform for us to vie for any position.
Apart from the administration fee, the nomination fee for every female aspirant to presidency level is free in RPN. And then it’s a party for the youths .They use the wisdom of the elders and the strength of the youth. So that’s why I decided to pitch my tent in Restoration Party.
Are you among the people that registered the party?
No
Did you go through primary through which you emerged as the party’s candidate?
Yes
How many of you contested?
We were three – a particular aspirant stood down for me. So, only two of us went into the primary. INEC officials were there, the state officials and INEC official from Abuja.
We had media houses on ground and we even invited other political parties to come and witness the way we did our primary, which was very fair and peaceful.
You said you were three initially. Is the one that stood down for you a male or female aspirant?
The two others are male.
Since you emerged as governorship candidate, how has it been?
Well, I must tell you politics is very, very hectic and deep. It is very, very deep. I just want to thank God for the strength and I also want to use the opportunity to appreciate my state Chairman, Dr. Tosin Adeyemi , who is a very vibrant youth. He is the youngest party chairman in Osun State. I want to give it to him, he has been there and I must tell you politics is very very sweet and it must not be left to the politicians. It is high time we got involved.
When did you join politics?
I have been into politics for quite a long time, more than a decade but I was doing it partially.
Did you join any political party?
I did not but I have my soft spot for some political parties. And I have been following the trends whenever they were having campaigns. I’ve always been partially involved. But I came in fully on board to RPN.
Which party or parties did you ever participate in their activities before?
I didn’t participate directly but indirectly. I just had flair for some parties.
Which parties?
I will mention KOWA because KOWA is the first political party that gave us a female presidential candidate. So I have soft spot for KOWA. I was following the trend when the professor, Remi Solaya, emerged as its presidential candidate.
Judging by your experience so far since you threw your hat into the ring, do you think this terrain is meant for women?
It’s meant for women. It all depends on the individual and the readiness of women and the supportive aspect of the men, because I must tell you we cannot do it without men. We need their support and we just have to help our women to be in politics . It’s just like having an aeroplane engine that is having 50\50 capacity and it’s flying on the capacity of just 50 percent. In due time, the 50 percent will wear out and then the other one will just be there without being tapped. We have not actually tapped into getting our women to going into real politics. And its high time , that’s why I have this respect for Goodluck Jonathan. During his tenure, we had more women given political appointment or in elective positions. But now, it’s going gradually down. That is why I call them most endangered species in politics. We are the most endangered specie. People are scared of all these thugs and that’s why I pitched my tent with RPN. It’s not a political party of thugs, we all have our careers, we are professionals in our field and when it’s politics time we come out and do the needful. It’s not a do-or-die party. We have professionals in the party. It’s a party to pitch tent with because they will give you your voice as a woman.
Are you just for the cause of women or you have much more, reasons why you are in this race?
First, I must confess, I’m in it because of women. If you look at the history of Osun State we have another woman now that’s vying for the same position. I’m the first that actually aspired for this position and that is to tell my fellow women that we can do it.
Secondly, it is not that we should just sit down, we are intellectual people too. We have professional women there, like the formal Finance Minister, Prof. Ngozi Okonjo- Iweala. She is one of the people I look up to in politics. I love her, I love her doggedness, I love the way she operated.
Since you started your campaign after the primary, have you ever imagined yourself on the governorship seat?
We are taking over from Governor Aregbesola. He knows that he’s going to hand over to me.
Why are you so sure he’s going to hand over to you?
One, we have the strength of the youths. We have women and I must confess women are the one that vote most. So It’s high time we stopped just voting. I have been voting for more than a decade . it’s now time they vote for us, we can do it.
How are you keeping the home front during this period of campaign?
Thank God I have understanding children. They know what I’m into and I’m always balancing it . When I’m at home, I make sure I do my home chores – cooking and taking care of them . So, they know when I’m not around, I’m not around. When I’m around I make sure I do my roles as a mother.
Mine was quite interesting. Today, we are looking at our forefathers’ ways of proposing to their spouses back then and how the present generation is handling theirs. Which is better? Who is happier? Our daddies and grand daddies, or our present ‘yuppy’ daddies? Are there things we ought to emulate from them? Have we refined or overrefined their ways of doing things? Were they more romantic?
The topic came about at a recent group discussion during a retreat. A woman came up to tell how romantic her husband is. She recalled how he proposed in a grand style.
“Steve is one person that knows how to catch his fun. He is a meticulous person to the core. So I knew we would be happy together. The most connecting aspect of our union is that I’m a romantic person as well”
He proposed to her on one bended knee. He applied all the works, figuratively speaking. There were flowers, candlelight dinner, including wine et al. “In spite of all the drama” , said another member of the group , a male, “I am of the opinion that our forefathers were better in everything. All we are practising now in the name of ‘proposal’ is nothing but a borrowed culture. I have been happily married for a decade and a half and I believe my wife and I are very happy.
“My wife got pregnant with our first child during courtship. We both decided to make our union legitimate and got married. Why should I propose? We are both consenting adults. How many times did our forefathers propose. As a matter of fact, their marriages back then lasted till death did them part.
“No formal proposals on bended knees, no flowers, plastic or real, they had none of that. Yet they were happy. They had very healthy marriages. Conflicts were minimal because no one was claiming equality. I encourage this present generation should be more original, please. ”
Another speaker made his own contribution, ” I will liken my marriage to that of our forefathers. Our fathers were happier because their marriages were arranged. Their love was genuine. For me , it should not be about the proposal alone. There’s more. It is the aftermath that should matter not the paparazzi part.
“Back then, our mothers knew their place, while the men were fully in charge. Food and shelter were all provided by the man. Husbands were revered whether he had one wife or more . There was order. There was little or no need to propose. If a man fancied a girl, he would tell his parents, and they would do the necessary investigation and follow-up.
The necessary bills were picked and a home was happily formed . I am proud to state hear that my marriage was an arranged one and we are both happy.
To further buttress his points, he continued: “I pity what we have now. What we have now is social media attention seekers. Followed by loud weddings and oftentimes broken homes.”
He cited the instance of a man on the social media who took the standard of proposals to an entirely new level. “A man proposed to his girlfriend with a pink car and lots of pink balloons. I condemn it and feel it is nothing, but a gimmick to show off his creative nature by improvising and making his own proposal a unique one . Our forefathers were happier. They were thought morals and values . Money was not a priority for them. ”
It was Williams Shakespeare who said in one of his classic works, Macbeth, that life is a stage where people play their part and make their exit. Our forefathers came on stage, played their part very well and made their glorious exit. My take is that our forefathers left a remarkable print on the sands of time . We are expected to build and improve on what they taught us. Marriage proposals should be peculiar to couples.
What works for one might not work for the other.
Take for instance what happened recently at a shopping mall. A lady decided to bite the proverbial bullet and propose to her boyfriend. She went further to go down on a bended knee, but to everyone’s shock the guy turned her down! Go figure. Trust Naija! Instead of showing some form of sympathy, almost everyone around started videotaping the embarrassing moment.
Another incident happened right in the middle of the Allen Junction. Luckily, it ended well. My favourite, however, is the Davido’s Porsche proposal or was it toasting. Who wouldn’t say yes to that. Buy me Porsche anytime, my answer will be Yes! Kidding, I think, but seriously let us slow it down; propose according to how we really feel. Not by the sweetness of the melody ‘Joromi Joromi’.
About who does it better?
Your guess is as good as mine, but I would love to hear from you.
“Please I need advice and this is very urgent as it’ll help me because I’m at a point of confusion right now.
I met a man, he was married with a child but separated now, his wife moved out with their child, he told me while he was separated with his wife a lady came into his life.
To cut d story short, she moved in with him and they’ve been staying together for two years now but they didn’t get married nor did any introduction of any sort but his family is aware of her, and his family has been putting pressure on him to have kids but she’s unable to conceive as a result of fibroid.
So he told me d initial plan was for her to move in pending d time she’s able to get her accommodation then she’ll leave but she has refused to leave ever since she moved in neither is she pregnant, fast forward to when we met. We met and he told me everything about him, his ex-wife and the lady months after we’ve met.
Now I’m so confused, he said he just told his best friend about d lady living with him to seek advice on how he can make her leave.
According to him, she is not ready to move out cos everyone thought they were already married.
This is because they act like they’re married already.
He hides me from her, doesn’t want her to know he’s dating someone else which is really confusing since he doesn’t want her.
Now the most confusing thing is I think he’s in love with her but wants a child at all cost and couldn’t get it from her, so he’s trying to have a child with me cos he told me his friends said she’ll only move out if he gets another woman pregnant.
Please I’m confused I need answers as I’ve already fallen in love with him, he shows so much care and love, he’s been asking to meet my family I’m really confused.”
You can also share your story with us @info@thenationonlineng.net
WINNING has different definitions for different people. To one, it could be recovering from an illness; it may be passing an examination. To others, it could be suddenly becoming rich and to some others it is having enough to meet one’s needs. For a woman, a win should be a must. What is a win to you may be a walkover to me and vice versa
Winning is triumph. It is having or being that which makes you fulfilled.
Many set on the paths of triumphs, but get weary along the way and return to defeat, depression and misery. Others think that they should win because they have suffered for so long forgetting that probably they have not done what is needful to win.
A top female physician, Mrs. Rosemary Abuah, said: “You don’t win because you have a suffering experience, you win because you play by the rules. One of the rules is fighting. If there was no opposition, everyone would be a winner.
“It is the situation that calls for war. You don’t just fight, you fight lawfully.
“Some women can fight but they do so unlawfully, they fight the wrong people, using the wrong weapons. They fight for their enemies and not against them.”
We asked how women can fight lawfully, she further explained: ”You participate, you enlist, and then go out and people know you are competing. You demand for what you want. Crying or self-pity is definitely not participating.” She added: ”Sitting idle is not fighting. Go where you are likely to get help for what you need. Do only those things that can change your situation.
“Negative thinking and talking, wrong attitude desiring pessimism, emotional problems, wrong choices, keep people constantly out of the ring, you stand disqualified, no matter how hard you try”.
Mrs Abah further gave a few tips that women need to know to ginger them up to fight and win.
Goal Setting: You cannot win without a goal post. It is often said that the higher the goal post, the easier the chances of scoring. Losers, on the contrary, think that the lower the goal post (or desire), the higher the chances of winning.
Those who don’t set goals at all, get tossed to and fro every year with nothing to aim at or fight for.
Enthusiasm: Every woman that must win needs that inner fire to burn from within, otherwise there will be no reason to go on when things bleak.
Before you win, there could be many discouraging reports. A lot of excitement, enthusiasm and interest about something, will keep you on the road for a win.
Persistence: Continuing to try to do something in spite of difficulties, especially when other people are against you and think you can be stopped, then you win.
See it: If the naked can see herself clothed, she will fight to have same. If the hungry can see a prepared table, she will fight to have same. If the homeless can see a beautiful home, she will fight to have same. People do not fight because they see nothing. It is what you keep seeing that keeps you fighting till you win. So, what do you see?
Have it: If you must win, this is the path to take. Begin to live as if you already have it. You won’t have it when you have won. You have it before you win. It is knowing that you have it that will make you refuse a no for an answer.
We have no idea when you will win, but we know that with the above tips, i.e. if you have set goals to aim at every day, every week, every month, every year, so many good things will start happening to you.
You will become stronger every day with growing self-esteem. When you look back, you will marvel at the changes that have taken place in your life. If you win in the real sense of the word, there will be other successes to celebrate. Unlike the non-fighters, you can count some blessings. Another fact is you will win if you don’t change your mind about winning. Women will win when they stop waiting for trophies. There is something to do to win. Don’t forget, it is always “Well done”. There is a price to pay. We have to face the real opponents, our fears, our inhabitations, our mental weakness, our visionlessness, our planlessness, our slothfulness, our ignorance, our selfishness, our superficialness, our idleness, our solitude – and fight to win.
Pursue Success: Become loyal to your success.
Work at it. Work it out.
Women are no failures. Art Williams says: “Somebody is going to win and the person who wins will be the person who is just a little bit tougher. The person who waits just a little bit more”.
I challenge you to surprise everyone including yourself. John Mason says: “One of the greatest pleasures you can find is doing what people say you cannot do”.
You Have Regular Sex. If the honeymoon phase has come and gone and the two of you still maintain a consistently hot-and-heavy romp schedule, you’re on the road to relationship bliss. In fact, a study published in the journal Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that having sex at least once a week brings as much happiness to your relationship as making an extra $50,000. For this study, researchers surveyed more than 30,000 Americans over four decades, and found that having sex just once a week was the frequency most linked to relationship happiness. Surprisingly, couples who had sex more or less frequently were not happier. “Intimacy is just another type of communication, so if that communication falters, so will your sexual connection in response,” says Tessina. That being said, your sexual chemistry is not a race to the sack. “If you’re mutually enjoying more sex, than it will make you both happier, but remember that it comes down to both people wanting to be intimate that often,” says Greer.
You’re Similar
You know the old saying, “opposites attract”? Well, if you happen to have a lot in common with your partner, it may be a better recipe for attraction. In fact, a brand-new study by researchers from Wellesley College and the University of Kansas found that we’re actually hard-wired to desire “like-minded others.” They were able to reach this conclusion by analyzing pairs or people—from romantic couples to friends and even mere acquaintances—interacting in public. The pairs were asked questions about attitude, values, and prejudice, among other things, and it was found that the longer-term relationship pairs had greater similarities than those who had recently become acquainted. “If you’re more alike in terms of your personalities, you’re sharing similar styles of dealing with a variety of things in life—from interacting with friends to experiencing life changes,” says Greer. “So if you and your partner share similar values and interests, you’ll wind up with more cooperative spirits and having a greater respect for one another.”
Your Spending Habits Differ
You’re certainly not alone if you find that the majority of the arguments you have as a couple are sparked by personal (or combined) finances. In fact, a Money Magazine poll found that a whopping 70 percent of couples argue about finances the most—more than household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and so on. But if the two of you have stark differences in the way in which you prefer to spend—a.k.a. one of you is a spendthrift and the other is a tightwad (yes, that’s an actual term)—you just might be perfect for each other. The proof is in one study by the Universities of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Northwestern. Researchers surveyed over 1,000 married and unmarried couples, and found that most individuals tend to choose their spending opposite when it comes to selecting a lifelong partner. So if that sounds like you and yours, you just may have the perfect yin-and-yang combo to make things work. “Just remember to prioritize the big-spending opportunities like buying a car, house, etc,” reminds Greer.
You Laugh at the Same Jokes
If you and your sweetie both know how to appreciate a raunchy comedy routine (Eddie Murphy Raw, anyone?), love anything with Will Ferrell, or both equally detest either of those two scenarios, you’re a match made in heaven, says science. A study published in the Western Journal of Communication found that 75 percent of happy couples laugh together at least once a day. Even more interesting, another study reported in the same journal found that 92 percent of married men and women credited humor as a factor that made a significant contribution to their married life. “Laughing at and appreciating the same comedy is the emotional oil to grease the wheels of a relationship to keep it moving forward,” says Greer. “It gives each of you the resilience you need to laugh off the petty and irrelevant things that naturally build up in life and offers more chances to bond intimately on a regular basis.”
You both love to booze it up or not at all
We’ve all seen it at one point in our lives—the couple scenario where one person is totally sober and the other is a giant, falling-all-over-the-place mess. There’s a good reason why those unmatched levels of drunkenness or sobriety don’t wind up working out in the end. In a study published in the journal of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research, scientists reviewed data collected from nearly 20,000 married couples, and found that the spouses who consumed relatively the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one person drank more heavily or significantly lighter than the other spouse. “I’ve seen many couples split when one of the pair of drinkers got sober,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Alcohol alters a heavy drinker’s experiences and perceptions, so couples who drink heavily together naturally have similar ways of living, as do couples who don’t drink much at all.”
You are pretty sure you’ve finally found that right person for you. You know, the one who listens intently while you vent about your grueling day at work and is there to hold you tightly on the couch with your Netflix queue already lined up. But how can you tell for sure? Luckily, science has some answers.
You’re both positive
Sure, this one might not come as a surprise, but studies show that a positive outlook and a few genuinely exchanged smiles a day can go a long way in keeping a relationship stable. Researchers from the University of Chicago found that when just one partner possesses a high level of positivity, there’s less conflict in the relationship. “Positive emotions are fundamental to any relationship because they counteract the negative emotions that shut us down,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York-based relationship expert and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness from Ruining Your Relationship. “This translates into feeling more secure with your partner and more trusting.” And the benefits of seeing the cup half full don’t stop there. Another study published in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who celebrated their partners’ achievements—say, a job promotion or killing that 7-minute mile—as if they were their own, experienced greater satisfaction than those who reacted negatively or with indifference. In the study, the couples who had broken up rated their partners’ typical responses to good news as “particularly uninspiring.” While this isn’t to say you should break out in the Carlton Dance next time bae offers up some good news, it’s a sure sign that optimism can benefit you both.
You keep texting to a meaningful minimum
Between emojis and GIFs, our feelings and emotions are pretty clearly captured sans alphabetical symbols these days. But tread lightly when communicating with your significant other via telecommunication, say researchers from Brigham Young University. After surveying 276 men and women around age 22 and in committed relationships, they found that heavy texting was to blame for both genders feeling dissatisfied with their relationships. “Texting is precarious for a lot of people in relationships because it’s hard to flesh out our genuine expressions,” says Greer. “When one person is less interactive, the expectation is not matched by the reality for the other, and this can lead to disappointment and a feeling of disconnection.” Similarly, the study found that the men who texted more often reported lower relationship quality than those who didn’t text their partners as frequently, while the women who texted more often reported higher relationship quality. Researchers speculate that as men detach from the relationship, they replace face-to-face convo with increased texting. The ladies, on the other hand, take to their mobile devices to try and make things work. Bottom line? Hold the phone—literally.
You limit social media use
You love checking your Instagram, Facebook and Twitter feeds—and, chances are, it’s probably also how you read your news. But over-scrolling on social media may be one of the most toxic things you can do for your relationship. One study in the Journal of Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking found that people who use Facebook more than once a day (ahem, most of us) are more likely to report conflicts in the relationship that inevitably lead to negative outcomes like cheating, breaking up, or getting divorced. “Romantic relationships can be challenging enough to navigate without these added technological complications,” says Joseph Cilona, Psy.D., Manhattan-based licensed clinical psychologist. “Finding ways to simplify or minimize potential pitfalls, like limiting what each other shares about your relationship on social media, is a great rule of thumb to follow.” But good news for your social media mojo if you and your man or lady have been together for over three years: These results only held for couples in the early years of the relationship, which may mean the threat of Facebook coming between you two reduces the longer you stay together.
You cuddle
Most of us admit to loving the feeling of being physically close to another human—it’s a natural, biological response. But when consistent physical intimacy (not just sexual) is a staple of how you both behave in your relationship, it also signals your levels of happiness together. A study published in The American Journal of Family Therapy surveyed 100 men and 195 women to examine their preferences and attitudes towards romantic physical affection—massaging, caressing, cuddling, holding hands, hugging— and found overwhelmingly that the amount they experienced in their relationship was significantly correlated to their levels of couple satisfaction.”Cuddling and tenderness help maintain the physical connection and intimacy shared between couples—not just when you’re being sexual,” says Greer. “As a result, it can be easier to get turned on because there’s always an element of sexual energy being shared through physical touches, therefore leading to a happier relationship overall.” So next time you’re in the mood to snuggle, remember science is on your side!
You actually fight instead of holding back your feelings
While you might get down and out about the latest tiff you had with your boo, one study reports that it may be the all-important glue that winds up keeping your relationship together. Researchers from Florida State University found that expressing anger when disagreements arise may actually be necessary in resolving problems in the relationship. In fact, that whole saying “forgive and forget” could surprisingly lead to buried feelings of resentment that fester and almost always come up later in the courtship. “If you learn to argue in a healthy way early on, then you’re more comfortable expressing your emotions to your partner and working through your different points of view,” says Greer. “This creates a good working framework for handling arguments in a positive way instead of them resurfacing constantly, causing more strain in the relationship.” So don’t be afraid to put your feelings out there and fight (respectfully, of course) next time you feel passionately for or against something in your relationship.
Source: www.womenshealthmag.com
You Have Regular Sex
If the honeymoon phase has come and gone and the two of you still maintain a consistently hot-and-heavy romp schedule, you’re on the road to relationship bliss. In fact, a study published in the journal Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that having sex at least once a week brings as much happiness to your relationship as making an extra $50,000. For this study, researchers surveyed more than 30,000 Americans over four decades, and found that having sex just once a week was the frequency most linked to relationship happiness. Surprisingly, couples who had sex more or less frequently were not happier. “Intimacy is just another type of communication, so if that communication falters, so will your sexual connection in response,” says Tessina. That being said, your sexual chemistry is not a race to the sack. “If you’re mutually enjoying more sex, than it will make you both happier, but remember that it comes down to both people wanting to be intimate that often,” says Greer.
You’re Similar
You know the old saying, “opposites attract”? Well, if you happen to have a lot in common with your partner, it may be a better recipe for attraction. In fact, a brand-new study by researchers from Wellesley College and the University of Kansas found that we’re actually hard-wired to desire “like-minded others.” They were able to reach this conclusion by analyzing pairs or people—from romantic couples to friends and even mere acquaintances—interacting in public. The pairs were asked questions about attitude, values, and prejudice, among other things, and it was found that the longer-term relationship pairs had greater similarities than those who had recently become acquainted. “If you’re more alike in terms of your personalities, you’re sharing similar styles of dealing with a variety of things in life—from interacting with friends to experiencing life changes,” says Greer. “So if you and your partner share similar values and interests, you’ll wind up with more cooperative spirits and having a greater respect for one another.”
Your Spending Habits Differ
You’re certainly not alone if you find that the majority of the arguments you have as a couple are sparked by personal (or combined) finances. In fact, a Money Magazine poll found that a whopping 70 percent of couples argue about finances the most—more than household chores, togetherness, sex, snoring, and so on. But if the two of you have stark differences in the way in which you prefer to spend—a.k.a. one of you is a spendthrift and the other is a tightwad (yes, that’s an actual term)—you just might be perfect for each other. The proof is in one study by the Universities of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Northwestern. Researchers surveyed over 1,000 married and unmarried couples, and found that most individuals tend to choose their spending opposite when it comes to selecting a lifelong partner. So if that sounds like you and yours, you just may have the perfect yin-and-yang combo to make things work. “Just remember to prioritize the big-spending opportunities like buying a car, house, etc,” reminds Greer.
You Laugh at the Same Jokes
If you and your sweetie both know how to appreciate a raunchy comedy routine (Eddie Murphy Raw, anyone?), love anything with Will Ferrell, or both equally detest either of those two scenarios, you’re a match made in heaven, says science. A study published in the Western Journal of Communication found that 75 percent of happy couples laugh together at least once a day. Even more interesting, another study reported in the same journal found that 92 percent of married men and women credited humor as a factor that made a significant contribution to their married life. “Laughing at and appreciating the same comedy is the emotional oil to grease the wheels of a relationship to keep it moving forward,” says Greer. “It gives each of you the resilience you need to laugh off the petty and irrelevant things that naturally build up in life and offers more chances to bond intimately on a regular basis.”
You Both Love to Booze It Up or Not At All
We’ve all seen it at one point in our lives—the couple scenario where one person is totally sober and the other is a giant, falling-all-over-the-place mess. There’s a good reason why those unmatched levels of drunkenness or sobriety don’t wind up working out in the end. In a study published in the journal of Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research, scientists reviewed data collected from nearly 20,000 married couples, and found that the spouses who consumed relatively the same amount of alcohol were less likely to divorce than pairs where one person drank more heavily or significantly lighter than the other spouse. “I’ve seen many couples split when one of the pair of drinkers got sober,” says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., a licensed psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting About the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. “Alcohol alters a heavy drinker’s experiences and perceptions, so couples who drink heavily together naturally have similar ways of living, as do couples who don’t drink much at all.”
This one goes out to all my women, my strong women
So amazing how this world was made, I wonder if God is a woman
The gift of life astounds me to this day, I give it up for the women.
She’s the constant wind that fills my sail…oh, that woman
With her smile and her style, she will protect like a child… That’s a woman
She will put a smile upon your face, and take you to a higher place,
So don’t you underestimate
The strength of a woman
The strength of a woman
Woke up this morning, I got up with the scent of a woman
Just picture, if you would what life would be
Ain’t much good without a woman
She can nag and be a constant pain oh, that woman
But that hips, she’s got me whipped
And it’s just too hard to resist …
Above is the lyrics of a song by Shaggy, highlighting the power of a woman. Women, naturally, are believed to be more magnetic than men. Men draw much of their confidence and attraction from women. It is through the woman’s influence that the man becomes refined and interesting.
Many abrasive and carefree men have been refined shortly after meeting women of their interest or choice. A woman’s charisma, conviction and mental inspiration have been the invincible forces behind some men’s advancement.
In fact, nearly all our great men often attribute much of their successes in life to the influence of their wives. Their help or support is not only in the physical but also in the mental and the spiritual. The mental image of the husband crystalises into a reality through promotion at work or big breakthrough in business.
A woman of strong magnetism can accomplish wonders with a man in a short time. Sequel to the above facts, we sought to know how women have been able to influence their men, environment and homes.
Mrs Edith Bassey
A woman should seek to preserve her individuality, develop and improve herself. Many women sometimes miss it. After marriage, they change into tools on their husbands’ will. Thus, they become monotonous and tiresome to the husband whom they seek to please.
Submission does not mean stupidity; it simply means respect for the other person’s feelings. As a woman, you can exhibit your God-given talent to influence your home positively thereby winning the respect and accolades of your husband and kids.
Mrs Bolaji King
The strength and influence a woman has on her home, environment and society at large cannot be overemphasised. I will give the instance of a neighbour of mine. He lost his wife of many years. It was a horrible experience for him as expected. The man was not able to find a reason for living. He became a complete wreck afterwards, totally ignored his outward appearance and everything that hitherto mattered to him. It was that day that the reality of the importance of a woman in a home dawned on me. Women have the kind of impact that cannot be easily erased or substituted by a man.
Mrs Chidera Obinwa
A woman determines at the final stage what happens in her home. Take my home for instance. When I got married to my husband, with the little I knew about him, it happened that he liked to have his way on all issues. However, things changed for the better when I came into his life.
It was not like I was controlling him or anything like that. It was just that I knew better when it came to making certain decisions that concern our home, especially when it comes to redecoration of the house. In fact, these days, I determine what type of food he eats, and so on. Also, during our courtship years, his house was a huge mess. Thanks to God, today, it is no longer a house but a home.
I also discovered the inner strength a woman has when it comes to determining the mood in the house. I subconsciously observed that when I’m happy, everyone is happy, and when I encounter an ugly day at work, your guess is as good as mine.
Men sometimes find it difficult to admit, but the truth is that the woman runs the home, regardless of the man’s financial input. Even in the running of the society at large, when a woman does her thing, it becomes better than the man left it.
Mrs Joyce Suleiman
The woman is a special gender. A woman that sets her heart on achieving a particular goal can do that, irrespective of the odds.
Women, these days, are excelling in all spheres of life, in all sectors of the economy. We have risen in our political ambitions. We are practically everywhere. Even the seemingly “boys club” women are fast joining. Talk about sports (wrestling, football, boxing, tennis), women are there live!
Even in our homes today, we can still feel the edge over our male counterparts. For instance, whose relatives visit more? Whose relatives and friends are freer when they visit? When a woman is delivered of her baby, whose mother visits first? We all need to get this straight, respect it and the world would be a better place.
Mrs Ovuokpoye
To say women are powerful would be an understatement. Women are very powerful. When I got married, it was initially rosy until three years into our marriage when it became a cat and mouse thing. It went from one degree of misunderstanding to another, and you know men, they feel they can live without us.
Each time we had a disagreement, my husband will tell me to pack…all I heard consistently for six months from my husband was “pack your things”, “leave my house”, “I will throw you back to the slum where I picked you from!”
Anyway, a day came and I decided to leave his house for him and temporarily moved in with a friend of mine. Come and see the chaos that followed my departure. I was told by those that saw him how he went pleading with my parents, promising to turn a new leaf. He went further to tell a friend of mine how all he said and threatened were jokes.
To cut the very long story short, because I made sure he suffered a little before going back, we are back together again and he is now a born again husband. I need to mention that he does not threaten me again, at least for now.
Mrs Memeh Nkechi
My husband works in one of the top airlines today, thanks to me. No, no, I didn’t do anything fetish or sleep with anyone. The bottom line is that I got him the job. He had applied to the same organisation for years but nothing happened until, to the glory of God Almighty, I intervened.
All I did was to accost the chairman, shed a few tears, ok, plenty tears, blew my nose ceaselessly and the job became his, just like that. In fact, now, he treats me like a queen. Really, there’s no big deal, all I have simply done is exhibit the strength of a woman.
…Plight of minors at the mercy of hunger, starvation, death in Benue IDP camps
Nigeria’s most vulnerable population is under threat as thousands of displaced children living in underserved and under-defended internally displaced persons (IDP) camps in Benue State are battling with hunger, death and malnutrition. HANNAH OJO who visited some of the camps in Benue reports.
THE pains of a withering finger and the sight of a child with flaccid penis has sent Mseer Agabi’s mind on a rapid decline. Agabi’s sedentary life took a detour when she fled herdsmen attack in her home town on January 2. The 19-year-old farmer is among the 24,019 people seeking refuge in an overcrowded IDP camp at a primary school in Ghajimba, Guma Local Government Area, Benue State.
Living in dire sanitary conditions with barely enough to eat, Agabi contracted a disease that rendered the middle finger in her left hand sore and swollen. Left with no medical help, Agabi is left to surrender to a cruel fate that limits her ability to care for her yet to be circumcised 17-month-old baby boy. With no money to buy pain reliefs or analgesics, she dresses the affected finger in leaf and herbal ointment, which only provide temporary relief. The pains often return more forcefully, causing her sleepless nights.
Struggling to hold the young lad as she made to clean mucus from his nose with the edge of her torn skirt, she uttered: “I’m afraid I won’t be able to give him the delicate care he deserves if I circumcise him now. I’m not feeding well and I can barely use my hand. Even now, I’m depending on other people to help nurse him whenever the pain becomes unbearable.”
Not far from Agabi’s section of the LEA Primary School premises in the Gbajimba IDP camp is Terna Egba, a middle-age woman with a gaunt frame. Wearing an oversized shirt, her face still bears the grief of an impoverished life caused by the discomfort of a lost homeland. The millet farmer lost her husband in June to food poisoning. Faced with the task of raising five children alone, Terna ekes out a living from the pittance she makes from weeding people’s houses. Her six-year-old son who has rashes on his body walks around half clad with a protruding tummy and a skinny face.
Her youngest child, a two-year-old, wears a black thread with the locket of the Holy Mary around his neck. “He often complains of stomach ache,” she complains. “I’m helpless when my children fall sick. I can’t even buy soap to wash them properly. The last time we got food in the camp was two months ago, and I barely make enough to feed my children,” she said in a tone of lamentation.
•A displaced woman feeding her twins at the Gbajimba IDP Camp
Interrupted childhood, lost innocence Benue’s most vulnerable demographic is under threat. As at March 2018, the Benue State Emergency Management Agency (SEMA) registered more than 80,000 children scattered in various camps across the state. These children, who left their homelands with parents and guardians to escape herdsmen attacks, now live in underserved and underfunded IDP camps.
Schooling has been interrupted and cases of hunger and malnutrition are rife since food supplies have ceased from the government for some weeks. Findings revealed that the last consignment of food supplied to the seven recognised IDP camps in the state was in May.
With the gear of hunger set in motion, many of the IDPs go into town in search of jobs but often return with no luck. The women go into the forest to cut firewood, dry them and sell, earning between N300 to N500, sums that are barely enough to feed their children.
On one of such trips to the forest in search of firewood, Nyieryila Lorakpen came back to meet her 16-month-old baby, Aondofa, surrounded by a crowd. Poor baby Aondofa was playing around an open cooking area when he staggered into the fire and got his buttocks burnt two weeks ago.
With no medical care in sight, the mother dresses the burns with leaves, slowing down the healing process. The baby no longer sleeps at night and spends the greater part of the day on the shoulders of him mum. Their case is worsened since they reside in an uncompleted staff quarters in Makurdi with some other IDPs who left the Abagena/Agan Camp in Daudu, where 34,986 people scramble for space in an uncompleted school building.
“We are in an isolated place. Nobody remembers us. I can’t go out to work and there is no food. Even if I get medicine for my children, do I administer it on empty stomach?” the disgruntled mother asked in frustration.
In the same location where Baby Aondofa got his buttocks burnt, five other children have died between May and July. The first one died at birth. About two died of shortage of blood, the other one died of convulsion. They were aged between one and seven.
A mother of one of the deceased children, Alaam Doosuu, a 25-year-old woman from Torkula village in Guma Local Government Area, has fought hard to remember the circumstances surrounding the loss of her child.
“He started purging but we waited two weeks before taking him to the hospital because there was no money. Doctors said he had shortage of blood. When we finally gathered money and took him to a private clinic, he was no longer responding to treatment. My baby died, and I have been suffering.
“I don’t even have food to eat. I don’t have anything,” she said, wiping off tears as she relived her ordeal.
“Our houses have no doors and we don’t have mosquito nets. There is no clinic here and our children can’t go to school. We have to go to the stream to fetch water, except for the raining season when we collect water in kegs and bowls,” Emmanuel, leader of displaced persons in the camp where the children died said.
Deaths and more deaths
Sickness and ill health have been the lot of many displaced persons, especially women and children. As it stands, a total 175,070 displaced persons across the state are scattered in 14 IDP camps (both the recognised and the unrecognised) in three local government areas.
Infrastructure in all of the camps are in dire straits, forcing many to sleep in open spaces while children are exposed to danger and mosquito bites. Present within the premises of some of the camps are environmental hazards which have not only left scars on some children but led to the death of others.
At the Abagena/Agan Camp, which has the second highest population of 34,986 displaced persons, a six-year-old girl fell from the topmost floor of an uncompleted building in the camp. She died on the spot. It was the same fate of death and fatal injury at another camp located in an area known as ‘Heavy Duty’ in North Bank Makurdi. There, the IDPS, numbering about 100 persons, occupy an uncompleted building which was initially designed as a guest house. The building has four uncovered pits covered with dirt. A child died in the pit two months ago while another one, a three-year-old named Emmanuel, survived a fall in the pit with a scar on his face.
Banke Abel Ebe, a member of the coalition of NGOs who educates the IDPs on hygiene, said the ‘Heavy Duty’ camp is not recognised and has received no help from government. “We are making arrangement to see if we can get people to help them with aid,” he said in a tone laden with uncertainty.
Located in the middle belt region of Nigeria, Benue State, renowned for its fertile soil, is the food basket of the nation. With a large body of rivers that nourishes the soil, making it yield easily, majority of the state’s inhabitants are farmers who profit from the pact between earth and hoe.
Often times, clashes arise when herdsmen come from arid areas to graze their cattle, not discriminating between wild lands and farms. Conflict has escalated over the last few months, leading to indiscriminate massacres as herdsmen armed with superior weapons attack communities with no warning.
A report by the International Crisis Group (ICG) stated that clashes between farmers and herdsmen in Nigeria have killed more people than Boko Haram in 2018.
“At least 1,500 people have been killed in clashes between nomadic herders and sedentary farmers in central states since September last year. More than 1,300 Nigerians died from the farmer-herder conflicts between January and June this year, while the death toll from Boko Haram’s rebellion was about 250,” the group said.
The report added that the quoted number is said to be six times higher than the number of people estimated by the United Nations to have been killed by Boko Haram in the same period.
Hunger pangs and declining revenue
Adjusting to a life of dependency where food is rationed is a hard reality to bite for many of the displaced persons. Many of them are keen to return to their homelands, but their lands are not safe as marauding herdsmen have taken over some of the lands and farming fields. Those who have dared to go back to reclaim their lands were killed while the women among them were raped with sticks inserted into their private parts, the natives relived.
Agricultural production has stalled and food insecurity appears to be gaining a terrifying momentum as a result of the crisis.
Before now, the displaced persons commanded attention, as they attracted visits by prominent individuals and private companies who donated food items. It is now seven months since they have been camped but the visits have waned. Donor corporations have moved on and the government has withdrawn food supplies, citing lack of funds.
Few humanitarian agencies such as Doctors without Borders and the Red Cross are helping to provide clinical services and drugs to treat simple illnesses in some of the camps, but the impact is low because the people have no food to aid the digestion of the drugs.
At the Gbajimba camp where Red Cross runs a clinic, 93 children were enrolled for a Community Management of Acute Malnutrition programme in July, out of which two of them later died.
“The most prevalent ailment at the camp during the dry season was diarrhea and cough. When the rain started, people started coming down with malaria. Due to insufficient food intake, some children were not healthy as required,” Gbawuan Godwin, the officer in charge of the clinic in Gbajimba told The Nation.
An official of SEMA, who pleaded anonymity, told The Nation that the last supply of food and toiletries brought to the camp was done in May. “There is no food in the camp. The store is empty, and we are helpless,” the SEMA official intoned.
Confirming development in the IDP camps, Mr Emmanuel Shior, the Executive Secretary of SEMA, cited paucity of funds from the federal allocation as the reason for the lack of supplies to the camp.
Mr Shior, who added that the state government had managed to keep IDPs in camp for over seven months, decried the lack of attention to the humanitarian crisis in Benue State on the part of the federal government.
He said: “I want to use this opportunity to draw the attention of the federal government and international partners to the humanitarian crisis in Benue. The state government cannot do everything; there is need for intervention.
“The problem in Benue is similar to what is happening in the Northeast, and I am surprised attention has not been given to the Benue humanitarian issue.
“I am also surprised at the attitude of NEMA. NEMA should be at the forefront to ensure the way for IDPs but NEMA has only been here twice. When the Vice President visited with the DG of NEMA, the DG promised to return to Benue State in two weeks to provide shelter and additional food, but nothing has been done till date. Why is the federal Government not paying attention to what is happening in Benue State? Is Benue State not part of Nigeria?”
About 67 per cent of Nigerian young children are at risk of poor development according to a Nurturing Care Framework developed by WHO, UNICEF and partners. With the burden of the humanitarian crisis in Benue, it appears the percentage is set to increase.
As the reporter made to depart the Gbajimba IDP camp in Guma, her eyes met that of Ukenyo Gbosu, the oldest person in the camp who is said to be 117-year-old. In the light of the herdsmen attack, Ukenyo made it to the camp transported on a motor bike.
Speaking through an interpreter, she described her experience in the camp as difficult. In her home, she plays with her grandchildren and they give her yam to eat, but now the yam is no more.
She has also missed eating swallow and describes the unavailability of her choice delicacy as a challenge. Ukenyo gave birth to an only son, Udende, a prominent yam farmer in Ukyongu village who married three wives and has birthed 25 children.
Reporting made possible with funding from the International Centre for Journalists (ICfJ)
