Category: Weekend Treat

  • The dilemma of a rapist(1)

    The dilemma of a rapist(1)

    I held on to my manhood as if it was going to fall, yet it was still firmly there. I looked to the left and to the right, the mammoth crowd dazed me. And this was after I had been thoroughly beaten up by the crowd for making an attempt to rape a minor. Some of the market women were shouting that I should be burnt alive, and fewer opined that I should be handed to the appropriate authority for proper punishment. The voices of those wanting to do jungle justice overwhelmed those who were against! My organ which was big and thick like ponmo was as short and small like a kobo candy. Shrink was the best caption if I were to be a journalist.

    My body ached, my shirt was soaked in the pool of blood arising from the beating. Despite the fact the pains in me were much, the best way to escape from further punishment filled my heart. I looked at the sight one of the loudest voices, a tall and huge man whom I guessed to be in his early 30s, wielding a huge rod gave me a deadly look; cold fear ran through my spine. “God, why am I always in this kind of situation”?

    “Draw him to the centre. Let him lie straight on the ground. Turn to the centre properly” It was the voice of the friend of the mother of the nine-year-old child I wanted to rape. I knew this because she was the one that was first called when the pepper seller who had wanted to poo at the corner of the market waste-side, where I had lured the girl to , under the pretense that I needed a helping hand to assist me in carrying yam tubers to the fore.

    “Beat him more and let him wake up at the gate of hell,” one Hausa man said not minding that his teeth were full of stains. His words got them more furious with me the more.

    “What I am after is the cutting off of his organ. Let us make him useless………” I didn’t look up to see the face of the speaker, but it was a female voice.

    ” Yes, let us cut off the stupid and useless organ that the fool is using to cause havoc. I am sure he must have been doing this for many times.  Oloriburuku, onyiberibe, donbrobaa, bastard”. I raised my head up due to the pebbles someone from the crowd threw at me. It was a fat woman with big and fat arms that spoke those words. Angers were vividly written all over her face. I was restless. The pains were getting too much and the saliva in my mouth was dried up.

    At the end of the day, the Iyaloja, that is, the leader of the market women and men respectively ordered that I should be taken to the nearest police station. There were murmurs amongst the crowd, meaning, they were not satisfied with the verdict of their leader. All they wanted was a pound of my flesh. They wanted to render my organ useless or be cut off and be given to a hungry and deadly dog.

    “I have spoken and that remains an order. Whoever is not pleased should pack his wares and relocate to another market. Imagine killing this man inside our market, what would people and government say? They would say that we have used him to perform a ritual. I don’t want any undeserved embarrassment. Not even with this rapist. Bad man,bad stigma and bad product. Please, get him out of this market,” the Iyaloja said with air of finality.

    She looked at me from head to toe , spat at  me, hissed aloud , as she left the scene.

    “Gboa, gbam, gbash,”  the beating continued as they lifted me up with deadly punches  before taking me to  a police station. Children trooped in large numbers to catch a glimpse of me. It was during the school closing hours. Nobody persuaded them to keep off.

    The story changed when we got to the police station. The officers at the counter were opposed to me being detained there because they said that I was a chronic offender.   Truly, I had been taken there many times on same issue. Yes, on rape issues. Some I did really, and some were just mere attempts. I was ashamed of myself.

    “Officer, we have a rapist for you here. You will be glad to see his rotten face,” the leader of the group enthusiastically informed the Divisional Police Officer.

    The officer whom I could see from afar came in briskly to where I knelt down as ordered by my captors. He was eager to detain me due to the allegations against me. Immediately he saw me, the expression on his face melted away. He was disappointed that I was the offender. He hissed on seeing my face.

    “Is this the culprit? I am not interested in his case. He is a constant figure in this place. In fact, he is a dent on this community and we don’t want someone that will give our station a bad name. Please take him away to anywhere you like. We won’t detain him here,” he said looking more furious.

    “ Haaaaa, so  this  idiot is a son of the beast” ? The second leader asked, looking directly into the DPO’s face.

    “Yes, madam, in the last six months, he has been our visitor more than 32 times on account of raping. We have done our homework and concluded that he must have been cursed. No sane man at this age will engage in such an act. This is terrible,” he said while leaving where I was still kneeling down.

    ” So, you must have been cursed? Were ni e o. You are simply a mad man. You better don’t try this with any of my relatives because I will skin you alive. Let us go and leave this idiot here,”he said while giving me a blow.

    They dispersed one by one, thus leaving me at the entrance of the police station. Efforts by the policemen to create fear in the minds of those who brought me there to take me back were nil. It was a pitiable condition.  Flies were perching on my nose and eyes for a taste of the blood almost turning to greenish colour.  My hands were too weak to scare them. But occasionally, I shook my head in total anticipation to scare them.  Nobody pitied my condition.

    Later, a benevolent female police officer, elderly with beautiful skin came to me , gave  me handkerchief soaked in warm salty water to clean my bruises. She looked at me with pity, but said no word throughout the 20 minutes or thereabout.

    She stayed with me, making sure that I looked a bit better before going away. She called on a younger officer who handed to me some amounts of money enough to take me to any destination in the town. Such is life, no matter what you would still get someone out of thousands to give you a shoulder to lean upon.

    This has been part and parcel of me for the past 20 years. I am a rapist. But the problem is that I always don’t know what always came over me. I must have finished committing the crime and been beaten to a pulp before realising my mistake or coming back to my senses. It was at Orelope Market a few hours ago. What of the ones at Imoore Market, Oyigbo clubside, Agunlejika Bus Stop, Ajaratopo Fish Market and so on?

    I needed help, but help was not coming anywhere. The bruises on my body, both fresh and old, were enough to earn me recognition. There was a day that I was thrown inside hot pepper soup out of anger by the crowd. This was when I went to the church to rape a five-year-old child who went to pee. It was countless. But how did it start. This is what you need to know.

    It began in…………..

     

    (To be continued)

  • ‘My wife cheated on me with my boss on our wedding eve’

    ‘My wife cheated on me with my boss on our wedding eve’

    What is your advice for this man?

    ”My wife confessed she cheated on me.she cheated with my boss before we got married and slept with him a night to our wedding . I asked her why she was confusing to me now,and she said her conscience is killing her because she sent my boss her nude pictures and she felt so bad . Bom I have not responded to her ,I just dragged my pillow and slept . But come to think of it,I think her confessing to me was a big slap on my face and an insult .

    Read Also: Understanding why women fall out of love

    If she truly loved and respected me,why tell me this kind of rubbish,with no fear ,looking at me straight in my eyes.
    I just felt like killing my boss today during our meeting .
    Bom how can I make her pay? .
    I will not divorce her,I want her to divorce her self .
    I am so bitter but just wearing the gentleman attitude . I will rather give her up than give up my job .

     

     

    Source: BOM

  • Save my soul (4)

    Save my soul (4)

    Immediately I saw Avose, I wanted to scream, but the way he pointed the pistol he was holding towards my head   prevented me from doing so. I was baffled and rooted to the ground, as he moved quietly to my side.

    He looked at me with total hatred. He punched my face and tilted my head towards the bedside table. I yelled slowly and gently in pain. He cared less, all he wanted was to kill me and finish the jobs he left undone three years ago.

    As he was doing this rubbish, I quickly said my last prayers to the God Almighty. It pained me beyond marrows that I was without a child as I started the eternal trip. I thought of my parents who doted on me due to my kind and gentle nature.  I flashed back into the Odes, the new parent that really showed me true love. What of Irinkerindo, the private detective and community advocate that removed my eyes from tears?

    “Ah! Ah! Ah! My students; what a pity? God, my life is in your hands. Please, don’t let this bastard rupture my brain. I prefer to die in the hands of an enemy than in the hands of a monster like Avose. Save my soul. Please, even for the last time, father, please save my soul”.

    Hot tears welled down my eyes as I said my last prayers. That was the day reality crept into my life that nobody sees death, or knows his date and hour of death without turning into a jelly fish.

    I was saying all these and suddenly, he put the gun back into a small sack that he brought. He furiously dragged me forward again and tied my two hands to the back. Making sure I could not escape, he led me to the door as the dogs continued to bark rigorously.  Sensing that nobody was looking at him, he disappeared into the thin air with me. I was too weak to think of freeing myself. My mouth was sealed and my hands were tied.

    As we approached the Mosala gate, he cleaned all the blood on my body and removed the ropes and the tape in my mouth. He threatened to slash my throat alive if I didn’t pretend that all was well as we approached the Mosala security formation post. I had no option than to say yes. But deep down me, I continued to pray for miracles. We passed the first gate unnoticed. We were about scaling through the third gate when a siren blared. We were the target of the security men. They were to rescue me from Avose!  That was the order, and it was from the above. Either he died or not was not their problems, but to rescue me.

    Back home, Hajia Totoro had gone to her kitchen to cover the herbal pot when she noticed that the drape by my kitchen side window was half knotted. She alerted other inhabitants who put action into motion. Calls were made to both government and local vigilantes. Just to tell you that Avose was a terrible ma, he played smart on the neighbours by escaping through the back fence, where he collapsed a part of the structure. I had already put the hope of seeing another day, when suddenly I saw some guards running after us.

    Asides this, Irinkerindo, on getting my text messages, notified the needed authorities. Even before my good neighbours started alerting each other, those detectives Irinkerindo called were already in action. All escaped roads have been blocked, but the fact was that he shouldn’t kill or maim me before getting help. Knowing that rather than leave me alone, he could think of wasting me, I had no value to him. Imagine, a man that I gave all my life to! My virginity, loyalty, support, commitment and so on.

    Avose saw a horse tied to a stake. He went there, untied it and started running away with me. It was a hot chase by those who wanted to rescue me, and to my assailant too, same was the word.  The hot chase later resulted into a gun shooting. The exchange of the gunshot were so tensed that I almost choked up; yet Avose refused to let me go. Those who wanted to rescue me too were trying not to hit me in lieu of their target. I have watched something like this in films, but meeting death face to face gave me the vivid impression of what life was all about.

    Avose in a fury lifted me up and placed me on the top of the horse again and started running away with me. He wanted to escape at all cost. Opposite direction was my husband and some of his people who dressed in native hunters’ attire. So, Avose and I were now in the middle. When he knew that the bubble was about to burst, he ran towards the flowing river in the pineapple farm settlement. The speed was so fast that he lost control of the animal.

    Despite the fact that I was famished, I yelled out like a child whose boil was been forced to open. The horse threw me inside the mud and threw Avose by the big baobab tree. He gave out a pitiful and loud scream.  Blood gushed out from his mouth, nostrils and head. He died on the spot.

    Perhaps I fainted afterwards because I woke up to find myself in the hospital. Drips were being passed into my veins. I was so light in body and soul. I heard the doctor informing my relatives not to give me solid food until I finished the drips. My husband later came in with food basket and another bag with lots of fruits. Many were happy that I didn’t die.

    One of the nurses ran inside to give me the phone because the Odes had been trying to reach me. They had begged the Chief Medical Director to allow them have access to me via phone whenever I woke up. They were too happy to speak on the phone. The only thing that I could fathom from the conversation was “God is great”.  My parents came the second day. And their trip was sponsored by Irinkerindo who bought for them a return  ticket because of the long distance.

    The results of the tests that were carried upon by the medical team came out the second day. There, it was revealed that I was two months pregnant. I was full of smiles. My mother in law spoke to the doctor in the Fulfude language to be truly sure, to which he confirmed. It was a celebration galore. But my mother in law instructed we should do all the merriment at home, and that was upon departure from the hospital.  She didn’t want any relapse.

    Throughout that week, the news of Avose and his wicked act were all over the media. My parents warned me not to talk to the media. My husband opined same. Some reports were accurate. Some were not. I read some and smiled, and some made me screamed. But they were really reporting Avose. Well, it was over for the wicked idiot as God had vindicated me. I was discharged and went home to thank all that stood by me in the stormy hours.

    Two years ago, I was invited to an international conference in Spain where I spoke about my experience. The narration alone drew tears into the eyes of the participants. I told them all that I knew. And I also let them know that ‘survivors’ like me had the reason and need to live a new and normal life again!

    Three months ago, my manager finalized the plans by an USA based film company to feature me in a documentary to let my experience in life become a research topic for all to see and hear. The money to be paid to me was in millions. Besides this, I have to   model for some organizations in order to curb violence globally. They were looking for the violence survivors. I am the change angel.

    Yesterday, it was tears of sorrows. But today brings in tears of joy! I am a survivor.  Fate has saved my soul. As you can see, what do I say more than, ‘save my soul’.

  • ‘This broken womb will bear NO CHILD’

    ‘This broken womb will bear NO CHILD’

    A girl is not an earthen pot which is tapped at the bottom to confirm its strength. But Amina Musa’s parents did not know that. Hence they pawned her off to Aliyu, a fish merchant and benefactor, who paid her bride price soon after she clocked 10.

    Like earthen pot, Amina cracked at the bottom. Four years after she married and divorced 47-year-old Aliyu, she has been unable to conceive of another child. Although the 10-year-old had a child by her husband in the first year of her marriage, the baby was stillborn.

    At the advice of his relatives, her husband made her visit a local, herbal doctor for treatment. The latter made incisions on her private part, causing her to experience swollen labia; then pus gathered in her vaginal lips. It took her three weeks to get rid of the abscess and the stench. Afterwards, her husband forced her to revisit the herbalist.

    “The herbal doctor inserted herbal medication into my private part for two weeks with the aim of treating my infertility,” she said. According to her, the constituents of the herb were unknown but it was in the form of black soap and dried pellet made of herbal extract.

    After seven days of herbal therapy, Amina developed high-grade fever and severe burning sensation in the vagina followed by the sudden onset of continuous leakage of urine with a minute amount of blood through the vagina. She stopped experiencing menstruation too.

    Subsequently, she visited a primary health centre where she was later referred to the Aminu Kano Teaching Hospital. There, medical examination revealed scars on and wall of her vagina. Amina leaked urine and fecal matter and a further examination revealed the presence of fistula on the anterior wall of her private part. She was counseled and advised for fistula repair.

    But rather than allow her go for treatment, Amina’s husband threatened to divorce her if she did. Her mother pleaded with her, urging her to do her husband’s bidding and shun the doctor’s advice.

    “She said doctors would make me disgrace our family. She said the doctors got it wrong and that leakage (obstetric fistulae) was not in the history of our family. She said the slight incontinence that I experienced was due to the effectiveness of the herbal therapy. Mother said the potions I drank were forcing me to discharge spells cast on me by my rival wives. I believed her,” said Amina.

    Thus she shunned orthodox medical advice and instead accepted to undergo further herbal treatment. Her ailment worsened and when the stench from her incontinence worsened, Amina’s husband divorced her.

    She subsequently went back for corrective surgery, she started experiencing her menstrual cycle after a five-month cessation but on realisation that her husband would not remarry her, Amina stopped going for post-operation treatment.

    It’s four years since Amina scorned doctor’s advice for herbal therapy and she has not conceived another child. Now 14, Amina has lost hope of ever remarrying. She relocated to live with her mother’s childhood friend outside Kano city; there she shuttles to and from neighbouring Kaduna “to hustle.”

    If Amina’s case is pathetic, Maitara’s ordeal is even more pitiful. Few weeks after the eight-year-old learnt of her betrothal to 59-year-old Salisu Usman, her parents’ landlord and creditor, she was subjected to the gishiri cut.

    “They asked me to promise to do our family proud.  They said only a bastard child would wail under the blade of gishiri. They said if I struggle and wail, a great curse will fall on me and I would never be able to have a child. I promised to do them proud,” said Maitara.

    Thus the eight-year-old went under the blade of gishiri and did them proud. “There were eight women in the room that I was cut. But I could only recognise a neighbour who lived opposite our family house,” she said.

    No sooner did she enter than the women grabbed her hands and held her in a tight grip. They tore her pant off; then she felt excruciating pain.

    Blood gushed from her private part and cascaded her legs.

    Through spasms of pain, the eight-year-old understood that she had become a woman. Three years after she was subjected to the gishiri cut, otherwise known as Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), Maitara’s betrothed came for her hand in marriage. It was a brisk, disorganised affair. “I knew money changed hands between my parents and Salisu but there was nothing I could do. They were indebted to him,” she said.

    On the first night of their marriage, 59-year-old Salisu ravaged 11-year-old Maitara pitilessly.

    In the morning, he walked out leaving her like a crumpled sheet, slumped across the bed. Under normal circumstances, as an adult bride, she would have experienced bliss the night before but Salisu plunged into her unripe orifice as the proverbial rapist defiles a hopeless and naive girl-child.

    “Because I did not open my legs and lay still, he slapped me. When he slapped me the second time, I bit him on the neck. Then he screamed in anger and punched me on both shoulders and my mouth. I became very weak. I could not see clearly anymore and I tasted blood in my mouth. But he was past caring. He tore my pants off and raped me,” said Maitara, adding that she could hear her co-wives giggling in their rooms through her ordeal.

    While her husband drifted into sleep immediately after the act, the 11-year-old could not sleep. She bled continuously from vaginal sores and laceration caused by his violent entry into her core.

    “I thought I would die before dawn,” said Maitara, but she didn’t. Daylight cracked open her mind and slapped her girlish brain into consciousness, and she subsequently learnt to endure the pain of her vaginal wound and the taunts of her two senior wives.

    At her mother’s first visit to her home, Maitara lamented her misery, urging her to take her away but she firmly declined.

    “She said I had become a woman. She said I shouldn’t curse or rebuke my husband, that because of what he did to me, I would become more beautiful, have beautiful kids and have a great life. Then she gave me a herbal potion to drink promising me that my genitals would stop bleeding. She said I would not hurt anymore,” said Maitara.

    But the pain didn’t stop. Maitara experienced great hurt every time her husband slept with her and for several days, she could not stand or walk upright. Eventually, she became pregnant. However, due to complications from protracted labour, Maitara’s baby died at birth and she suffered a severe case of obstetric fistula.

    Despite her incontinence, Maitara’s husband hardly cared. “He did not take me to the hospital until four months after the leakage began. He forced me to drink concoctions prepared by his first wife. But none of the potions worked. I began to stink and I couldn’t stand my own breath.

    “During this period, when he slept with me, he covered his nose with a cloth. Then he stopped coming to my room. Afterwards, he took me to the clinic and abandoned me there,” she said.

    Maitara could not go back home because of the shame she would attract to her family. Hence one year after she became incontinent, she departed for Nasarrawa to live with a relative.  There, she remarried but was later divorced due to her inability to get pregnant.

    She said: “The doctors said the injury made me barren. They said my womb is broken and no child will stay in it.”

    Now 15, Maitara, plans to relocate permanently to Lagos. “I like this place. Life is easier here than back home,” she said on a brief visit to Lagos.

     

    Doctor’s explanation of Amina and Maitara’s ‘secondary infertility’

    Bintu Ahmad, a medical doctor, identified the teenagers’ inability to conceive children even after their stillbirths, as secondary infertility. She described it as a distressing condition, recalling the case of a 33-year-old patient with no living child. “She suffered from secondary infertility presenting with large abdominal mass and severe abdominal pain, of previous obstructed labour. She was young, had no living child, had undergone fistula repair and vaginoplasty yet was wanting fertility. Both she and her spouse were counseled about the high possibility of failure if repeat attempt at vaginoplasty was made, and possible damage to the VVF repair.

    “Finally, after further examination and counseling, the couple accepted that the woman undergoes total abdominal hysterectomy (surgical removal of the cervix and the uterus or womb by incision in lower abdomen). The man divorced the lady afterwards,” said Ahmad.

     

    Grim picture

    There is no gainsaying obstetric fistulae is a major public health problem in Nigeria. According to a 2010 report by EngenderHealth, an estimated 400,000 Nigerian women and girls suffer from fistula, and approximately 12,000 new cases occur annually. The humanitarian crisis in the North East has exacerbated these conditions as victims of impoverishment, rape and forced marriage by Boko Haram are at risk of experiencing VVF, according to medical expert opinion.

     

    An affliction of the poor?

    This injury afflicts society’s poorest and most marginalized; those without access to emergency obstetric medicine.

    Fatimatu Saliu, a Zaria-based nurse and social worker, argues that a greater percentage of VVF patients usually fall within the low income and impoverished economic divide. “Many of the victims come from poor homes and their parents marry them off at a tender age for economic gain,” she said.

     

    Customary disaster

    The plight of Amina and Maitara, no doubt, illustrates the stark misery characteristic of the world of many child brides in the country. By its magnitude, VVF is a major public health problem in Nigeria. Prevalence estimations range from as low as 100,000 to as much as 1,000,000 cases. Health experts, however, quote 400,000 to 800,000 even as Dutch surgeon, Dr. Kees Waaldijk, who has worked with the Nigerian government to end fistula through his direction of the Nigeria National Fistula Programme, stated firmly that the backlog is 200,000 to a maximum 250,000 patients.

    The incidence is currently estimated at 12, 000 new cases a year (an improvement on the 20,000 new cases a year figure of the past) while 90 per cent are untreated. It is estimated that two million women suffer from obstetric fistula globally. In Nigeria alone, the North has over 85 per cent of these cases. The vast majority of VVF is caused by obstructed labour, gishiri (circumcision) cut and obstetrical trauma.

    Fistula, the Latin word for “pipe,” is an “abnormal passage” between organs —in this case, between the vagina and the bladder, the rectum, or both. The hole makes the woman uncontrollably incontinent of urine or feces or both.

    Obstetric fistula results from obstructed labour, which occurs when the baby cannot pass through the mother’s birth canal because pelvis is too small. Prompt medical intervention, often including Caesarean section, permits a delivery safe for both mother and child. But thousands of times each year across the country, birthing women receive no such aid and their labour is a futile agony lasting between three and five days, with uterine contractions constantly forcing the baby, usually head first, against unyielding pelvic bone.

    The unremitting pressure usually kills the child and prevents blood supply to the soft tissues of the vagina and other organs trapped between the baby’s skull and her pelvis. Eventually these tissues also die, forming one or more fistulas and the baby’s head softens sufficiently for the stillborn child to pass from her body. Should she survive, the mother soon finds urine, faeces or both leaking unstoppably from her vagina.

    In about a fifth of cases, the woman also suffers nerve injury that can cause a condition called footdrop, which prevents normal walking. Constant contact with urine or faeces irritates and infects her skin and other tissues. Her kidneys, bladder, or other nearby organs may also be damaged.

    Her menstrual periods may stop, rendering her infertile temporarily or for a long while, according to Bidemi Odukale, a gynecologist. Despite claims by the government that the VVF scourge was under control, recent findings reveal that several girls and women in the country, particularly in the rural areas, remain untreated. The United States Agency for International Development (USAID) recently disclosed that many girls and women are badly affected by the disease in Nigeria, with Ebonyi State having the highest rate of over 3,000 cases.

    Although there are no reliable statistics about the epidemiology of the disease, several women and girls are reportedly rendered infertile by the disease. At the backdrop of the worrisome findings looms the sad reality of 20 VVF surgeons available to handle just a minute number of the victims.

     

    Social reconstructions of the child bride

    set is supposed to be other married women, but being a mere child, most of these women will be older and not likely to be an easy social fit. Consequently, married girls straddle two worlds and frequently find that they are alone and isolated in their new marital homes. Their isolation compounds their diminished access to information and services, making them not easily reached by conventional mechanisms such as youth centers or peer education.

    The Federal Government has attempted to outlaw child marriage. In 2003, it passed the Child Rights Act, prohibiting marriage under the age of 18. But to correct the anomaly, Janet Essiet, a Kano-based lawyer and ‘women’s rights activist,’ suggests more government interventions at the grassroots.

    The government also needs to cooperate with non-governmental organisations (NGOs), argued Zulaykha Habib, a guidance counsellor and owner of Muslim Sisters Development Foundation. “Efforts should be geared towards sensitising parents on the need to delay their daughters’ marriage and instead pursue their educational and psychosocial development,” she advised.

    But as the government and other stakeholders return to the drawing board, they will do well to include severely damaged and disillusioned divorcees and former child brides like Amina and Maitara in their loop of schemes.

    “Leaving such kids to their devices forebodes greater doom for them and the society at large. The misery and disillusionment they feel destroys their psychology and inflicts upon them a jaded view of the entire world. They have lost hope in the society and average human’s capacity to be good. This is a horrific way to see the world, particularly for teenagers and future mothers,” argued Milda Okonedo, a psychologist.

  • Abuja market agog as trader recovers from three-year stroke

    Abuja market agog as trader recovers from three-year stroke

    For traders at the busy Ikaro area of the FCT Abuja, Wednesday December 20, 2017 will go down as a day to remember. It was a day one of them, Alhaji Shehu Malami, who had been down with debilitating stroke for three years and given up on, suddenly showed up, healed and reinvigoured. Justice Ilevbare reports.

    The noise at Ikaro Market, a suburb of the FCT, Abuja, was unusual, and unexpected. But the reactions, as are typical of cities so ever on edge, were spontaneous. A good number of the traders hurriedly shut down their businesses to beat a fast one to safety, while some others shut down but opted to hang around to keep an eye on their shops as well as get an idea of what the hullaballoo was all about. Yet some others braved the odd and moved in the direction of the noise. What exactly was the cause of the noise?

    But alas, it was not a cause for worry, but one for celebration. One of them, Alhaji Shehu Malami, who had been down with a debilitating stroke, had just return to good health, albeit, miraculously. From all directions, the traders rushed and massed up in front of Alhaji Malami’s two building materials’ shops to sing and dance joyously to his health and to the almighty.

    Malami was ecstatic, strong, hale and hearty, hardly an image of someone who had been down to such illness, as he emerged from the inner chamber of one of his warehouses, beaming with smiles. He had been down with stroke for over three years and has not only kept away from his shop ever since but virtually bed-ridden. It was therefore a thing of amazement to the traders, friends and well-wishers, seeing him emerge unaided and clutching the hands of a man he later introduced as his liberator, saviour and healer through the divine glory of God. He shook hands and hugged much closer friends before breaking into a song of praise in Hausa. He recalled his experience and the wonderful hand of God in his life through Chief Okhue Iboi, describing him as a renowned Lagos-based trado-medical practitioner.

    The traders were not done, they were anxious to hear it all and Malami graciously obliged them: “On June 20, 2014. I drove down to Suleja on a business trip, a few kilometres to my destination, I noticed that my hands and legs were getting cold and stiff; it was obvious that something was wrong and I pulled to a halt. My voice was no longer audible and I noticed that a part of my mouth had bent to the right side.

    “Some passersby noticed and came to my rescue; they took me to a nearby hospital, where I was diagnosed with stroke. Since then, I began the journey from one hospital to another; my situation remained the same and even became hopeless. I was incapacitated; my business began to crumble. I became so disillusioned, sad and frustrated that I sought for death to take me away from the trauma.  But just as I contemplated this, my elder brother, who lives and works in the Apapa area of Lagos suddenly came to visit me in the hospital. I believe today that that visit was divine because until that day, we had not seen or heard from each other for about 10 years. Tears dropped from his eyes when he saw me motionless on the hospital bed; he told me that remaining in the hospital was a waste of time as he couldn’t see me recovering there. He promised to return to take me to a certain Chief Okhue Iboi in Lagos for treatment. He described him as very versed in the treatment of such ailments, citing the case of one Audu from Kogi State he successfully treated. He said Audu’s condition was worse than mine, but I was not convinced – not even after he showed me an edition of the vanguard newspaper that featured the man and his many astounding works.

    I told him I had reached dead end and would rather he got me a fast killing substance to end it all. But my brother smiled and it had not gotten to that stage and that he was confident that God would use the herbal man to restore my health.

    “We left Abuja the following day for Lagos and went straight to Chief (Dr.) Iboi’s Herbal Home of Solution and Joy. After severally consulting the oracles, he told me that I would walk with my two legs and work with my two hands again, but that my recovery would be slow because my veins had been weakened by the many injections I had been given at the various hospitals I’d been taken to in my years of battle with the killer ailment.

    “But within a week, I had started moving parts of my legs and hands which had been dead for over two years. Barely a month after I moved in, I began to walk around the compound unguarded. The process of my recovery was steady and here I am today fully recovered and back in your midst to pick up the pieces of my business from where I left off three years ago. I will live to remember Chief (Dr.) Okhue Iboi for the rest of my life. I thank you all for your support, show of love and prayers; may you never encounter the wicked hands of stroke, it is a terrifying killer.”

    Malami, in ecstasy, reached out to the hand of the herbal man, raised it up to the admiration of the crowd of traders and passersby that have now formed a wall of jubilants in front of his shops. Iboi himself looked visibly overwhelmed by the reaction of the crowd as they sought to know him more.

    Reluctantly, he afforded them a glimpse into his life. He was not used to talking about himself, he said; he’d rather his work and those he has worked with speak for him.

    “Like you have heard from Malami, I am Chief (Dr.) Okhue Iboi of WepaWeno Kingdom in Estako, Edo State. I am based in Lagos. I have practiced herbal medicine for over 30 years, proffering solutions to spiritual challenges and life threatening ailments that defy solutions, including stroke, diabetes, barrenness, epilepsy, fibroid and other such related diseases. Malami here today represents a good picture of my capabilities. Those of you who were chanced to see or meet with him a year or two ago can attest to the difference. To the glory of God, he is permanently back on his feet again.

    “Mine is not something that started today; I came right from my mother’s womb with it, having being born several years ago into the family of the late Chief Jonah of Otuo in Okpe Kingdom, Edo State with fresh leaves in my hands. At age two, I mysteriously disappeared from my mother’s side in bed and did not resurface again until the very day of my third birthday. I tried to go to school but couldn’t, each time I was in the class, I would be seeing leaves instead of what the teacher was writing on the board. Whenever I closed from school, instead of going home, I would go into the bush, where I encountered spirits who showed me various leaves and taught me their usages. That was the prelude to what I have become today as an herbalist. I talk to leaves, they talk to me, I understand them, and I talk to every leaf for potency sake, before plucking it for use.”

  • Mother of four needs N4 million to survive

    Mother of four needs N4 million to survive

    A 30 year old mother of four, Mrs Amatullah Agbebaku Odufa needs N4 million naira for chemotherapy so that she can survive a breast cancer that is at the moment threatening her life.

    She developed a lump on her breast before getting pregnant for her fourth child and therefore was unable to undergo any treatment until after delivery which caused the cancer to become severe.

    Speaking to The Nation her husband, Muazu Ozizi, a technician said she found a lump on her right breast two years ago and went to the Nyanya General Hospital, Abuja where she was given some drugs after going for scan and some other tests.

    “After taking the drugs the pain went away and she went ahead to get pregnant. It was during her pregnancy that she started feeling pains again so we thought that it was because she had stopped the third child from breastfeeding and the breast milk had not completely dried off but the pains became severe which prompted us to go back to the hospital.

    “We took her to Nyanya hospital where we were referred to Asokoro; from Asokoro we were referred to National Hospital, Abuja where we were told that it is marginal cell. At the National hospital we were not told what marginal cell is but we were given appointment instead to come back in two weeks and another appointment and by this time the pregnancy was 7 months.

    “When we went there again we were told that an operation would be done to bring the baby out then another one which would cost a certain amount and we were told to come back for it but when we went back, the hospital was on strike so I took her to Ibadan but we were referred back to National Hospital Abuja and by the time the strike would end, the pregnancy was eight months one.

    “We were then told that it was too late to operate that the pregnancy should be nine months before we came back; I took her again to Ibadan but was told that the distance was too far that we should go back to Abuja which we did and she gave birth to the baby naturally. Since then she has been in the National Hospital on oxygen because she cannot breathe on her own and she has started some treatments but we are unable to raise the 4 million and N750, 000 needed for chemotherapy and other injections.

    “We have only been able to raise the initial N250, 000 for some drugs and injections and this is all we have. I have spent everything I have; I don’t want to lose a loving and caring wife and mother to my children.”

    Donations can be made into Diamond bank account number 0012660873 with account name Muazu Onipe Ozizi or Gtbank Account number 0252613961 with account name Agbebaku Amatu Odufah.

  • Tears of joy, as the Ashimolowos fete widows

    Tears of joy, as the Ashimolowos fete widows

    The annual Widows Empowerment Event held annually by Pastor Mathew Ashimolowo and his wife is one occasion widows in Osun State always look forward to. Lateef Sanni reports that this year’s event was not an exception.

    Death is inevitable, true; but loosing a loved one, especially a spouse, is something difficult and grievous and some take a lifetime dealing with it.

    However, such pain can be wiped off, albeit gradually, if the bereaved is made happy and encircled with love. This indeed, is the case of every widow.

    This show of love was recently on display in Ode-Omu, Osun State, where widows, young and old thronged to benefit from Pastor Matthew Ashimolowo and wife, Yemisi Ashimolowo’s largesse. The widows could be seen in groups discussing their plights and especially how this show of kindness has gone a long way in bringing relief and succor to them and their children in the past twelve years.

    Venue was the Kings University, Ode-omu, Osun state, where the Ashimolowos held their annual Widows Empowerment event. “I thought I was lost in Lagidigba (Ilubirin) because there was a huge number of women flooding the entrance”, enthused one of the widows”.

    In her thirties, she looked rattled and you could tell that hunger and the uncertainty of her circumstance have contributed to her outlook.

    Next, you move into another crowd of women, who were negotiating their ways towards the distribution point and their disposition was as myriad as the many problems affecting them. They consist of the able and diable, young and old, strong and weak from                                                  different towns in Osun State.It was time to position and identify themselves; the list included widows from Isokan, Ikire, Apomu, Ikoyi, Oshogbo, Ile-Ife, Modakeke and Ode-omu.

    According to the host, Pastor Matthew Ashimolowo of Kingsway International Christian Centre (KICC), “The event which started 12 years ago helps to unite widows from these towns without geographical or religious discrimination. We started with 308 widows, and gradually the number of the widows kept increasing. Last year, they were 10,000 in number but this year they blossomed astronomically into17,000.”

    At the gate, the women were being ushered into the university premises with their paper tags which were available in three different colours to differentiate their batches. You could hear the serene and melodious voice of the sensational gospel singer Opelope Annointing from the gate. The gospel singer warmly received the women and accompanied them to their seats with hers songs, literally turning the whole proceeding into a fun affair.

    The event was in three batches; morning, afternoon and evening, with the pastor and his wife sharing food, drinks, money and clothes to the widow.

    As the couple spoke and interacted with widows, you could feel their joy at being appreciated.

    Another group of widows that caught this reporter’s attention were those widows not registered, who exhibited visible anxiety as to whether the manna of the Ashimolowo’s would get to them.

    One of them, Mama Taibatu looked to and fro in anticipation of the goodies. As you approached her, she jumped with visible expectation, thinking this reporter had come to take down her name. “This is my first time at the event. I heard about it from my neighbours. They told me what happened here last year, so, that inspired me to be present for this year’s program’.

    Another widow, Mrs. Adenike Adebayo, a beneficiary with great expectations said, “I have been coming for the event in the past four years and I have benefitted a lot from the program. I am very grateful for this show of love and my prayer is that God would spare my life to be present next year.”

    The segment where the pastor distributed clothes to the women was one very emotional and glorious moment, as some of the women burst into tears in appreciation, while some simply burst into prayers, dance and songs.

    Ashimolowo noted that: ‘It’s been a great priviledge to organise the widows’ event here in Ode-omu Osun State. This is not an initiative of KICC; it is my personal initiative along with my wife and of course some of our friends who have seen what we are doing and have decided to support us in one way or the other. We have a good number of our members who flew themselves all the way from London- England just to be here’.

    He continued; “We have already answered the first 5000, the second 5000 are just behind me, and the last batch will be 7000 people from Oshogbo and Ile-Ife. There is a lot of need in Nigeria and what we are doing is not much, food, drink, new clothes for each one of them and money.”

    The pastor who did not wait to be asked about his vision for the future said, ‘We pray that this should metamorphose into something that is bigger than just giving the widows. We want to start a ministry called Christ Compassion to the rurals. We want to hit the rurals with 6 level of needs that we want to meet and I don’t want to say everything. One of the things we want to do is to bring hospitals on wheels. It’s going to cost a lot of money, but still when we enter an area, we have a way of expanding with a sterilised trailer where up to 5 surgeries can be done at a time, while the crusade to the rural is going on. We will be able to do the surgery for about 5 people every 2 to 3 hours. Over a six day period we would have had an impact on an area. That is one major thing we want to do’.

    When asked to share some of the feedback he had got concerning the programme, he said, ‘the feedback so far has been astronomical, very interesting. When we had the event on Saturday, on Monday, the mosques in Ode-omu went on speakers to pray and encourage us and I guess the prayers are being answered because it blooms every year. 60percent of the people who come are Muslims. We have not discriminated, we don’t discriminate. Of course we will play gospel music, preach the word, but we do not want to know whether you are a Muslim or Christian when giving out the gifts because need does not know religion.’

    Mrs. Omolola Makinde, when interviewed has this to say, ‘I am not a widow; I come on behalf of my blind mother in-law every year and this is my fourth year. I am always praying for this man every year when I come here because he takes care of widows. May God spare his life and that of his family. He has really done great for us. Although I have never worn his clothes, yet I pray that my children and their children be able to do something as great as this because this generous act is very rare. He is a man that is worthy of all our prayers. I really I appreciate.’

     

     

  • How to cut an Onion without crying

    How to cut an Onion without crying

    There are so many  reasons why most recipes include the use of onion s. One of which is because onions are a great way to build flavor in a dish.

    Onions get their distinctive flavor from sulfur, which they absorb from the soil they’re grown in. when cooked, the various sulfur compounds in onions, react with one another and produce new flavors ranging from nutty to sweet.

    However, there’s a downside to that entire delicious, flavor producing sulfur because it seems virtually impossible to chop an onion without crying.

    Why Onions Make You Cry

    According to the Institute of Food Science and Technology, Onions make us tear, because it contains certain chemicals. ‘’Onions contain naturally occurring amino acids called sulfoxides, and when you cut into them, their cell walls become damaged’. This causes the sulfoxides to be converted into a super-annoying and irritating gas. The gas wafts from the onion into your eyes, which start to sting and produce tears in an attempt to wash the gas away.
    Here are few tips to help reduce the stress of crying while cutting your onion

    Cut the Onion Underwater

    Cutting an onion under water will prevent the sulfuric compounds from reaching your eyes and causing you to tear. If you want to try this method, take safety precautions — use a wide, flat dish to provide maximum workspace or try putting your cutting board in the sink and cutting the onion under cold, running water.

    Freeze the Onion

    Leaving the onion for minutes in the freezer will definitely reduce your level of irritation while cutting an onion, but it will be a little tougher to cut (owing to the fact that it is partially frozen) and it will be difficult to remove the papery, outermost layer.

    Put a Match in Your Mouth

    Sounds silly, but holding an unlit match (from a matchbook) between your two front teeth while cutting an onion will keep you from tearing up. The theory is, The red end of the match absorbs the sulfuric compounds before they can reach your eyes.

    Rub Lemon Juice on the Blade of the Knife

    An easy fix if you have the ingredient on hand, simply cut a lemon in half and then rub it on the blade of your knife before cutting your onion. Note that, you’ll have to refresh the knife by rubbing the lemon on it after every few cuts of the onion.

    Use a Very Sharp Knife

    Cutting an onion damages its cells and causes it to release irritating compounds, so use a sharp knife (which damages fewer cells); it can help you avoid unnecessary tears.

    Keep a piece of Bread in your mouth

    Sounds silly but holding a piece of bread in your mouth while you cut an onion will significantly reduce or eliminate the amount of eye irritation you experience. The theory here is that the bread absorbs the sulfuric compounds before they can reach your eyes.

  • Politicians only remember us at election time -Kwara women vegetable farmers

    Politicians only remember us at election time -Kwara women vegetable farmers

    Sina Fadare in this report x-rays the plights of women vegetable farmers, who for years have tilled the bank of the Maaro River at Ganmo village in Kwara State. The women, who are bonded by the same vision, passion and desire to survive, share their stories of struggle, achievements and government’s seeming neglect.

    They had migrated from various villages and communities within and outside the state to settle at the base of Maaro River in Ganmo village, Kwara State, where they are guaranteed the benefit of the flowing river to water their vegetable, particularly during the dry season.

    However, they are disadvantaged, cheated, neglected and abandoned at the point of their need by the Kwara State Government, with endless yearly unfulfilled promises. Common watering cans, which are very vital equipment to their vocation but which they can hardly afford, have remained elusive. Once every four years, when elections are drawing near, government officials gather them under a tree, with cameras beaming on their faces, promising to meet all their demands; but as soon as elections are over, they are back to square one.

    Ordinarily, theirs should be a success story, considering that their needs are minimal; unfortunately they were abandoned and could therefore not upgrade their vocation like they envisaged. The farmers, who spread along the base of Maaro River to engage in vegetable farming round the year, are exclusively women, majority of them single mothers trying hard to raise fund from their meager sales of vegetable, to educate their children and generally make a living.

    They are hard-working, determined and highly resourceful in their own way; even without any help whatsoever from the government. They shunned all forms of indolence despite their predicament and the temptation to go begging on the streets. To them, there is dignity in labour, and they are very proud of their vocation and their little contribution to the economy of the state.

    Though disappointed that they have been abandoned, they hold onto the ray of hope that one day in the not too distant future, a messiah in form of a good government that will appreciate their economic contribution will surface in the state and they will have a new story to tell.

    Despite the harsh and extremely cold harmattan that was preponderant in Ilorin and it’s environ when this reporter visited Ganmo, the farmers were already on their farms as early as 6:30am to water their vegetable bed. The farm was a beehive of activities when this reporter visited on 27th of December, 2017.

    Their children were denied the early morning sleep peculiar to their contemporaries, as they equally stormed the farm to assist their mothers to fetch water from the stream to water the vegetable beds. To them, it is a daily ritual they must do to assist their mothers in order to fight off poverty.

    The activities in the farm varies; while some are tendering the vegetable fields; some are tiling the ground in preparation for a new vegetable bed while others are harvesting their vegetable in preparation for the market.

    The Nation gathered that most of the market days of the villages and towns around are targeted before farmers harvest their vegetables, so that they can have good bargaining. Aside this, Ganmo market, which comes up every five days, is equally a target to the farmers due to its closeness to the farm, which eliminates the stress that comes with transportation and cost.

    Mama Aisha is a popular farmer at Maaro River bank; the visually impaired middle-aged woman migrated to Maaro river bank from Oke –Ode village in Ajase area of Kwara State. Her challenge has not stopped her from her vocation as a vegetable farmer. Narrating how she is coping as a farmer, she explained that there is dignity in labour and that she prefers what she is doing to roaming the street begging for alms.

    “One of my sons will lead me to the farm where l will do the work for the day, depending on what l want to do on the farm. I know how to till the ground in preparation for a vegetable bed. In the same way, he would help me to fetch water from the river, which l then use to wet the vegetable bed if the need arises. Though it has not been easy, but l have had to cope with this routine since my eye became bad so that my children will not suffer.”

    She explained that she had to relocate to the base of the river when she saw that other women  were sustaining their families from proceeds from farming and selling vegetables. ”Some of my colleagues do help me, especially when it is time to harvest my vegetable.” She explained.

    Though she is just about two years in the trade, Mama Aisha will appreciate it if government could come to the aid of all the vegetable farmers in the area because they all have the peculiar problems of not been able to procure fertilizer and watering cans to make their job easier.

    To Madam Mulika Saka who migrated from Ogbondoko in Afon area of the state to the farm site six years ago, it has been a good decision, especially since she had nobody to assist her in training her children.

    “I send my children to school through the proceeds I get from the farm. That is why you can see them around this early morning to assist me to fetch water from the river to wet my vegetable beds. It is a normal routine for them anytime they are on holidays.”

    Madam Saka, who is not happy with the government of Kwara State for pretending not to be aware of their suffering said, “We used to see government presence anytime election is approaching. We have a cooperative society and we usually have our meeting dates where we discuss our collective problems and how to go about them. They will come to this meeting to promise us everything but as soon as their political ambition was achieved, we will not see any of them again.”

    Speaking in the same vein, Madam Alarape Jimoh, who relocated to the village from Idi Ape area of Ilorin about 20 years ago, argued that their faith has been put in the hands of God because she has seen it all.

    “I have been a vegetable farmer at the base of this river in the last twenty years and l can tell you authoritatively that all what we are doing here is self-effort. We are earning a living by producing vegetable here throughout the year round, but the little assistance we are expecting from government are not forthcoming. That is why you can see all of us using bucket to fetch water from the river to wet our vegetable.” She explained.

    She lamented that most of them are widows who cannot afford to see their children going on the street to beg; therefore, she said “we had to form a cooperative society and resulted to thrift contribution to assist any of us in need and boost our economic livelihood.

    “Ours is a sad story because any time we learnt there are opportunities available for small scale farmers like us, we usually go there but at the end of the day nothing comes out of it. We are tired of endless promises from governments, who will at the end of the day not do anything.”

    The veteran vegetable farmer said that they, as a body, have resorted to self-help in order to be able to continue producing vegetable so that their survival can be guaranteed.

    From one farmer to the other, The Nation found that they have common problems which they seemingly cannot solve themselves, unless the government comes to their aid. The most important daunting is how to access small loans that would enable them expand the scope of their business and possibly engage more hands to assist in tilling the ground and tending the vegetable to maturity.

    Speaking on the journey so far, the leader of the cooperative society, Alhaja Olajumoke Atobisan explained that there are lots of assistance the government can render, to help create employment opportunities for people in the village.

    “If there is opportunity for us to get fertilizer, small loans, and equipment like watering can and improved seedling, it will go a long way in helping us contribute our own little quota to the development of agriculture in the state.

    “You can see that our children are all scattered on the farm because there is vacation; at times one needs between three to four people to assist on the farm, especially the tilling of the ground.  I am happy that you can see for yourself how some of our women have been tiling the ground since morning. This job can create employment opportunities if government is ready to assist us.” She explained

    The Maaro River is very significant to the people of Ganmo. Its antecedent dates back to shortly after the death of Afonja, the 6th Are-Ona kakanfo of Yoruba land and founder of Ilorin, who was killed as a result of the treachery of his friend Alimi. When Afonja fell, most of his warriors and family had to flee Ilorin to save their lives. When they arrived at Maaro River, they settled at the base of the river to start a new lease of life.

    Speaking to The Nation on the plight of the vegetable farmers, a community leader and President of Afonja Descendants Union, (ADU), Comrade Abdul-kareem Olola Kasum said the Maaro Farmers’ Co-operative Society was formed in 2003 to give a new lease of life to the activities of the women vegetable farmers.

    Olola-Kasum, who is resident in the community, explained that the women need all the assistance the state and local government can offer to help them step up their business. “Every day I see these women struggling to survive with the little proceed from their vegetable farming, they send their children to school and even contribute to the economy of the state, as people troop in here every five days to buy fresh vegetables.”

    He however expressed fear over the future of Maaro River due to the indiscriminate construction of houses on the river bed, noting that host local government, Ifelodun Local Government should discourage this so that the river can retain its originality and at the same time continue to serve the vegetable farmers.

    The Nation gathered that Agriculture was put under Economic Affairs in the 2016 budget of Kwara State along with Energy, Works & Transport, Information and Communication. This gulped N37.7 billion representing 32.5 per cent of the total budget of N116.2billion. However there was no deliberate policy in the budget that gave room for the development of small scale farming system in the state.

    Speaking on the issues raised by the farmers, the Kwara State Commissioner for Agriculture, Mr. Goke Bamidele pointed out that some of the farmers did not access the right information that would afford them the opportunity to know what the government was doing.

    Bamidele said if they had approached the Ministry of Agriculture to table their plights as a body, the ministry would have acquainted them with the available agricultural windows which they could tap into, adding that the ministry usually goes on air on the state radio to update stakeholders on such opportunities.

    “They will have to come forward to know what is happening, whether we are going to connect them to the Bank of Agriculture or similar agency or other Federal Government interventions. There is this agric window at the Federal Ministry of Commerce where soft loans are given to co-operative farmers’ society such as theirs. They are free to come over for such opportunities.”

    He explained that the facilities are already on the ground and what the farmers need as a body, is to approach the necessary agency that will assist them. “The state has a soft loan agric window that they can access anytime they are ready. Information is very crucial here, they need to seek for information on all the opportunities they can benefit from government.”

    Speaking   on how best to tackle the plight of the vegetable farmers at Ganmo, Prof. Kolawole, who is Provost of the School of Agriculture, Kabba noted that the farmers can be empowered through their co-operatives by giving them improved vegetable seeds, helping them purchase watering-cans, foliage fertilizer at Aleshinloye in Ibadan etc.

    According to him the government could even engage experts in vegetable production to teach them the latest in dry season vegetable production, adding that this will go a long way in improving their production.

  • Understanding why women fall out of love

    Understanding why women fall out of love

    WHEN it comes to relationships, there is nothing more magical or fulfilling than falling in love. It’s the ultimate in emotion, the prize, the best part of being with another person. It’s not surprising, then, that falling out of love is one of the most confusing feelings we can experience in life. Yet many women, for many reasons, find themselves in this unexpected place – feeling as if the magic of love has taken a nosedive. But evaluating the relationship midflight can be a tricky proposition. Before you decide if you are fully out of love, read on to see what matters can be changed.

    The notion that the grass is greener is notorious for creeping into, and destroying, relationships. Just because you’ve settled into a comfort zone with your partner doesn’t mean there is excitement around the bend with someone else. The devil on your shoulder may tell you differently, and listening to that voice will pull you away from listening to your partner.

    Communication is critical if a relationship is to grow, and it becomes even more important when there are bumps in the road.

    Concerns that love may be diminishing will start small, with subtle changes in the way you think. The following are all indicators that you need to work on your relationship:

    * You no longer enjoy thinking about your partner throughout the day like you once did.

    * You don’t look forward to your time together.

    * You don’t share the same goals and plans for your future, and you avoid talking about them.

    * The little “things” are beginning to annoy you in a major way.

    * You no longer think of new ways to please him.

    * You are thinking of someone else.

    Evaluating your feelings

    There may be valid reasons for the way you feel, especially if your partner is not giving you what you need. But before you throw in the towel, take a good look at where you’ve been together, and take some time to decide if the relationship is worth saving. Feeling as if you’re falling out of love may simply be a wake-up call that you need to catch each other and take the stairs – together –one by one.

    Before your relationship turns from passionate to lukewarm, notice the warning signs that trouble may be ahead. Has sex become a distant memory for you and your partner? Is there only an occasional physical reminder of the passion you used to share? Sex is an important part of any relationship, so if your sex life has diminished, there is likely some underlying emotional reason for it.

    Communication issues and unrealistic expectations are two of the main reasons people find themselves falling out of love. But there are things that can be done to stop the fall. Relationships are hard work; they should be viewed as investments, particularly if there is a marriage.

    Take stock of your feelings, and do it often. Ask about his feelings, and do it regularly. Growing apart can happen quickly and unexpectedly, particularly if your lives involve changes in kids, work, hobbies, goals, and values. In marriage, falling out of love can have particularly devastating consequences.

    It may be more difficult for women to come to terms with, or even admit, that they are having problems maintaining the feelings of love for their spouses. They have to make a decision to dissolve or save the marriage while battling conflicting emotions.

    Men seem to be getting all the attention when it comes to relationship muck-ups and falling out of love. Bestselling book, Why Men Fall out of Love(2005), by Michael French, was a big hit with readers, but no such book has been written about women. Women, meanwhile, often think they are the “fixers” of the relationship, and tend to seek out information to remedy the problem. They may perceive men to be indifferent and construe their lack of communication as cruel. As the women feel more neglected, the slow process of falling out of love begins. Neglect isn’t as concrete as infidelity or physical abuse, so it is a tougher area to discuss directly.

    See your partner for who he is. If he treats you poorly now, he will later. If he has a bad habit of putting you down in front of his friends, see it as a red flag. These actions may not make you feel like falling out of love now, but soon enough they will wear on you.

    Looking at the Numbers

    Many marriage counselors advise waiting until after the age of 25 to tie the knot; others say waiting until at least 30 is best. Of course, the level of maturity is certainly more important than the calendar years, but give these numbers a little thought.

    Are you on the rebound? If so, beware of getting involved with a new partner too quickly. Regardless how right or perfect he seems, your heart needs time to mend, and your brain needs time to make rational decisions. Rebound romances tend to be hot and heavy at first, but you could find yourself in a sticky situation if things get out of hand. If the relationship is strong and worthy of going the long haul, a little caution is necessary. The same goes if he is the one nursing a broken heart.

    This leads to the topic of second marriages. Despite the notion that you learn from your mistakes and won’t make them again, second marriages are not always the lucky charm. The added pressures of stepchildren and ex-spouses is one of the major stressors on relationships. Those who enter a relationship where children already exist face an even greater potential for problems down the road. Setting ground rules right away is necessary for the relationship to grow and succeed. Without them, falling out of love is an unfortunate possibility.

    4 Reasons We Fall in Love, Falsely

    Some of the reasons why women fall out of love is because they never fell in love for the right reasons to start. Check this list and see if you are a culprit.

    1. The biological clock. That biological clock’s tick-tock may be driving you nuts, but you’re better off finding something to drown out the noise than give in to its chimes. With all of the technological advances we have seen in recent times, age is much less a factor today than it was a generation ago. If a family is part of your plan for the future, make yourself happy first. If that involves being in a healthy relationship, focus on making good choices; the rest will follow.
    2. Social acceptance. Don’t just date someone because having a boyfriend makes your mother happy. Figure out what makes you happy and go with it. Take a class, participate in a new activity or take a trip by yourself. Whether you are hoping to meet a man or a friend, there are many great ways that don’t involve bars.

    A growing number of women are finding that being single is fun. In fact, the 2005 census shows that there were more single women, 51 percent, than married women.

    1. Sympathy. Who hasn’t dated a guy because he had those sad puppy-dog eyes and looked like his heart would break if you said no? The problem is that one date turns into another and the next thing you know, he has moved into your life, your apartment and your checkbook. Don’t play the martyr; it can lead to disaster.
    2. Sex. Come on ladies, this isn’t a reason to fall in love. If sexual intimacy is tops on your list of priorities, there may be other issues you need to work on first.

    Many women fall in love for the wrong reasons. That doesn’t mean the love is any less passionate or meaningful; it just means women set themselves up for disaster by not paying close enough attention to the details. Wanting to fall in love is a normal, natural part of our social makeup. But if you are desperate to find love, for whatever reasons, you risk productive future relationships and your own happiness.

    Are You Headed For A Divorce?

    You may be worried that you or your spouse is getting ready to file for a divorce. This can be a scary time where you question whether your marriage is over and try to determine what went wrong. Whether you are already preparing to take the divorce plunge, or you are worried about life after divorce, take this quiz. Find out if you and your spouse are headed for a divorce.

     

    Source: http: www.lifescript.com