The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • How to regain a lost friend

    Dear Harriet, I am a 52-year-old man, self-employed and a constant reader of your column. I need your counsel on how to regain a lost friend. Please, help me.

    Anonymous,

    Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message, lost friendships happen over time based on different reasons, sometimes they may be caused by situations beyond  control, for instance you grow up, move away, get married, start a family and make career moves before you realize it you have lost touch with many of your close friends, more so, people change for different reasons, so the friends you once were close to may not want to have a relationship with you anymore with time, so reviving lost friendship can be tough, but here are some useful tips that might be of help: Diagnose the cause.  Lost friendship can happen at any age, so at what point and how did you get disconnected.

    A proper evaluation of the situation will help you know how to bring that friendship back to life again or how to connect with your friend provided that you did not have an unresolved misunderstanding.

    First is to find a way to address the problem with your friend amicably. The next step is to find a way to reach out to your friend; try to search for your friend, this can be done through, may be common friends you both share or relatives if you happen to know any of them, or social media. For example, make a phone call, sometimes the most challenging part of reactivating a lost friendship is simply finding that person again. If it has been a long time you saw or heard from the person, he or she might have moved to a different location, you might not be able to reach out to them even on the phone in case there’s a change of number. Some calls to other people who could give you information on how to reach your old friend should be considered.

    Furthermore, once you are able to reach out to your friend, invite him or her to a lunch. The easy way to renew an old friendship is over a nice friendly lunch or outing. A public social setting is always one of the best ways to create a relaxed, no strings environment. You will both feel more at ease and discuss openly, catching up on each other’s lives.

    Moreover, plan a play date. If you both have a family now, it will be nice to plan a play date with your children. Arrange fun outing with the children, do have fun outside the house doing activities that benefit both families. This will also give room for both families to get to know each other, active and busy rather than just sitting and looking at each other, running out of conversation in no time.

    In addition, understanding is very vital in reviving lost friendship. In some cases it might just be difficult to restore an old friendship, especially if there may be hurt feelings or perhaps too much water flowed under the bridge. Or may be the person is going through some challenges that prevent him or her from reforming the friendship with you at the moment.

    The approach to such situation is patience and understanding, if things don’t go the way or at the rate you expected them to.

    The need to rebuild respect is an aspect that must not be neglected. Respect suffers in some cases of disconnection of friendship, so if your friendship is to survive, it will ultimately depend on the reviving of respect. Taking away respect from a friendship is removing the most splendid ornament it possesses.

    To begin this step is to first identify your friend’s most admirable qualities, make a list of these qualities of character. The reason is not to whitewash your friend’s personality, but to appreciate his or her strength and accept his or her weaknesses, bearing in mind that people are partially good and bad, but most of life, including our friendships, plays a variety of colours and we must learn to accept the fact so that we don’t miss out of a lot of relationships. Friendship is about accepting each other’s imperfections

    In addition, you might need to own up to your end of the relationship by offering a genuine apology (if you are the offender) for not being the kind of friend you could have been. Identify specific things you did that contributed to the friendship failure, admit them to your friend in an apology, and seek forgiveness with a sincere heart so that mutual respect can follow.

    This will make you feel better with yourself because you are the main beneficiary of reconciliation, but if you feel pain of regret or remorse when you think about a lost friend and you pay no attention to it, you will never know what might generated into a great wonderful friendship, although some people believe that some friendships are not worth reviving so long there is no enmity involved.

    Trust is essential and the relationship must be reunion on trust without any doubt. This might not happen immediately because of the gap, but with time, things will fall in place.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to me on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  blog; Liwh.com.ng

    A problem shared is a problem half solved

  • How to avoid poor parenting

    Dear Harriet, As a young parent, I will like you to kindly give counsel on the causes of inattentive parenting.

    Mrs Mercy D.  Abuja

    Your question is a serious cause for concern because inattentive parenting is a major factor for the challenges in our society today.

    The common argument is that we have to work, so that we can provide for our family. That’s true, but in the process, your role as a parent or guardian must not be neglected. For example, people who are raised in an environment of indifference with lack of proper attention, love, and care from parents or guardians in their childhood are often face with challenges.

    Parenting is joyous, but difficult. It is hard enough to juggle the many demands of life. Some people find giving appropriate attention and care to one more children on top of the already considerable responsibilities of marriage and career as a nearly impossible job while others succeed easily. However, here are a few factors that can lead to inattentive parenting.

    Family breakdown: Divorced and single parenting, for instance, create stress on parents. The anger and pain a parent experiences from divorce, or loss of a loved one may overshadow his /her attitude towards members of the family. For example, after a divorce, many a times, one parent is left alone to accomplish the full responsibility of parenting, in addition there may be extra financial burden, beginning a new career for self-improvement, getting into a new relationship. These might serve as a distraction and may lead to less or no attention on the children and other members of the house.

    Single parenting, on the other hand, is an overwhelming task. It is very difficult for single parent to find the proper balance for his needs and that of his family, most especially if the reason for being single is as a result of loss of a loved one. However, some parents are admirably attentive to their children’s needs bearing in mind that they are all they have got.

    Too often teenagers’ emotional needs for attention, affection and support are neglected.

    Poverty: This is the most common cause of neglect because a parent does not have the resources to provide all the necessary needs of the family can result to neglect. Many causes related to poverty increase the likelihood of neglect or inattention, are single parent, multiple siblings and so on.

    Furthermore, locomotive lifestyle in today’s fast pace world, both parents sometimes feel pressured to work. They leave home very early only to get home when the children are in bed. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with both parents working, but they should try as much as possible to balance the home front. This cuts across every class, upper, middle and low class. To avoid neglecting our children as we go out there working for the good of our family, without knowing, parents should remember to be involved by playing a major role

    Multiple siblings can also be a cause for neglect; it is not difficult to see how multiple siblings in a family can make it harder to invest interest and attention in each child. Take for example, as the youngest among other siblings in a family, Bisi never got individual attention from her parents. They were both busy working and trying to keep up with bills a larger family can so easily incur. Bisi’s parents were never available or interested in attending any of her school activites. Infact, they did everything they could to discourage her from pursuing extracurricular interest, citing the additional financial burden such involvement would cause. Bisi felt loved, but neglected in this situation.

    Parent preoccupation with the social ladder: Parents tend to neglect their children if they are preoccupied with anything, especially social advancement. For instance, Emeka’s mum and dad were involved in several activities, and both were constantly vying for advancement. Emeka was left in the care of an aunt, his mum’s older sister; his parents did not know that their son and his caretaker were drinking together every afternoon.

    Mental illness can contribute to inattentive parenting. Manic depression, postpartum depression and clinic depression are some of the disorders that might lead to parental inattention. When a parent suffers from one of these disorders and is not being treated appropriately, the disease will sorely inhibit his or her ability to give attention to a child.

    Selfishness: Today’s society urges men and women to “have it all” and to “have it your way,” earn three figure incomes, send your children to private school, vacation abroad and meanwhile have a happy family. Parents who buy into this attitude of” have it all” mentality will typically neglect their children’s emotional needs, choosing (consciously or un consciously) to place their needs ahead of their children’s needs.

    Lack of parenting skills: Children don’t come with a parenting manual. Most first-time parents admit that nothing could have prepared them for the demands of parenthood. Some struggle, work, and finally succeed at developing skills that not only provide for their children’s physical needs, but for their emotional needs as well.

    Unfortunately, many parents believe that parenting means only providing financially for a family.

    However, a young person whose parents seem unconcerned or inattentive is likely to experience hurt, frustration, anger, sometimes resulting in bitterness, or rage, as well as feelings of insecurity and loneliness. Reactions such as these may prompt many and various effects like low self- esteem, poor academic achievement, poor peer selection, sexual activity, rebellious behaviour, drugs and alcohol problems.

    Solution: Communicate with your children and learn to spend quality times with them.

    Offer them hope, show them that you have confident in them.

    Be involved in their academics, go through their work, and ask questions about the happenings in school.

    Support in their school activity.

    Reward and praise them when they perform well

    Encourage them when they don’t do well academically.

    Show equal love to your children.

    Lead them into relationship with God, who is always there for them.

    Direct them to positive peer groups. Explain to them the kind of friends they should keep at their level.

    Encourage children to help siblings or friends who may also be feeling neglected or unloved.

    Keep reassuring them that they are loved at all times no matter the situation.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to me on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  blog; Liwh.com.ng

  • Tips on starting a blended family!!

    Tips on starting a blended family

    Dear Harriet, I am a 53-year-old single parent with two children. I started dating again after some years. He is very caring and loving to us. He actually makes me understand that a woman can really be appreciated. I will like to spend the rest of my life with him, but my challenge is how to cope with his three children. Please, I need your counsel on how to start a blended family.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem; it will interest you to know that most singles in your situation have the same challenge.

    Parenting is never easy. It involves a lot. When  families come together to form one family, some children may resist changes, while parents, on their own, can be frustrated in the process, especially when things don’t function properly.

    However, changing to a new family structure can be tough on parents and children, so here are some tips that may help blended families adjust and build a successful relationship with one another.

    First, it will be a good idea to have an effective discussion with your partner before marriage on how you both intend to parent together, everything should be laid on the table, asking all the necessary questions and agreeing together. Adjustment  to be made,  if required so that you and you partner will have a clear picture of what you are going into from the very start, more so, this  will help for a better understanding of the children and a smoother transition.

    If your case of being single is as a result of divorce or separation, it will be nice for you to also talk to your children about the changes that will take place, listen to their feelings and try to answer their questions honestly.

    Avoid unnecessary details or negativity about the other family; remind your children that they did nothing to cause the divorce or separation in the first place and that you will always love them. Arrange meeting and trying to know your partner’s children before marriage will be of great help and must be done.

    Acceptance is very important; the fact that you and your partner have decided to get married to form a new family (blended) which includes children from both pervious relationships means that you must learn to embrace all that comes with it, although it can be a bit hard to find the right balance due to the high expectations, but with patience and tolerance, everything will fall in place.

    Moving on is the next aspect which is the issue of time. Time is of great essence in building a new family. Take each day as it comes with an open mind and remember that it will take time for every one involved to be able to adjust to the new structure, so changes should be introduced gradually, for example, too many changes at once can unsettle children.

    In addition, show love to both your children and your stepchildren. As a matter of fact, avoid discrimination. Care for them, treat them well because they are yours now, correct them with love and compliment them as well.

    Children in such situation are happy to know that they are loved and treated the same, in case, you don’t get the kind of response expected, never mind, with some children it takes time.  Think of the changes as making small investment that will yield a lot of interest one day.

    Be yourself and don’t fake it; be open to your spouse and the children, for instance, if you notice an attitude you don’t like. Address it and don’t pretend. Keep an open door policy, be someone that is approachable and show conscience towards their challenges.

    Be the mother that does not only hear them, but listen to them. Furthermore, create family bonding time. Involve the children in the religious aspect by helping them in their spiritual life, guiding them through the path of God. Make time to have fun moments with them in respective of their age, ask them what they will like to do, show interest in things they like so that you can have conversation with them.

    In setting rules and regulations, be firm and flexible. Make out time for each other as husband and wife because you need to be very close in order to bring the children together and build a healthy happy home, but if, for any reason, it seems difficult to seek the help of a professional, a counsellor might be able to assist you and the children talk about problems, fears and concerns.

    Finally, remember to always show love to every member of the family because love conquers all. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved

  • How to deal with emotional issues

    Hello Harriet, My girlfriend and I have been dating for some years now. I truly love her. My parents took to her from the start. Her parents also accepted me.  At the beginning, it was all love between us. Our relationship was doing just fine.

    We belong to the same religion. Therefore, I pleaded with her to be covering her hair, although she was the type that liked to expose her hair. Surprisingly, she did not disagree with me. I was glad that I finally found my choice.

    She started covering her hair which I appreciated a lot. Things were moving fine between us. A few months later, I called to inform her that I would like to pay her a visit in school. I was surprised that she   replied that I should not visit her. I was confused and worried.

    I couldn’t really understand her reason for saying so. I decided to make the trip out of curiosity. Getting there, she refused to pick my call. I had no other way to reach her than to call her friend who then gave me her house address.

    When I saw my girlfriend, she was cold to me.  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I regretted making the trip.  I travelled back home, feeling highly rejected.

    I decided to inform her parents about the whole incident. They asked me to ignore her attitude. My girlfriend later called, begging that I should pardon her. I accepted her apology, but I suspect that she is hiding something from me. I think there is someone else in her life.

    She has really changed. Before, we used to talk almost every day, expressing our love for each other freely, but now there is this serious communication gap between us. I feel so empty without her.  In all sincerity, I am tired of the relationship, despite the fact that I really have feelings for her.

    Please, I need your help. Thanks.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem. Matters of the heart can be overwhelming inrespective of your gender, age, ethnicity or nationality. Disappointment that you have experienced can happen to anybody, but how you handle your situation is what makes the difference.

    When relationship goes sour, the effect can be devastating.  You will definitely feel the pain most, especially if the person is so close to you. The feeling of being lonely can make life meaningless to some people. In a nutshell, there is the feeling of great lost.

    Therefore, while going through this entire emotion, one is expected to grieve one’s loss. Allow nature to run its course as you go through all the natural process.  Every relationship has its ups and downs, so how prepared are you to face the challenges as they come is a major question. Reading through your story, it is certain that your relationship with your girlfriend has some fundamental issues that were not discussed from the very start.

    Relationship is to be enjoyed not endured, where people learn to appreciate each other’s strength and weakness with effective communication. A good relationship works towards understanding each other and correcting with love. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance to grow.

    Therefore, for a relationship to be successful, both persons must be on the same page or have a common ground, bearing in mind that they are two different personalities with separate expectations, ideologies and values from different backgrounds.

    In your case, for example, your wanted her to start dressing in a certain way. Yes, at the beginning, she made an attempt, but she could not keep to it. Do you want to know why? It is simply because that is not who she is.  Expecting your girlfriend or boyfriend to change her or his personality to suit you can either go the right way or the wrong way.

    Note that everyone has their likes and dislikes, so in a situation when you try to force your likes down your partner’s throat, what you will get in return might be obedience at the initial stage and rebellion later.

    Change can only be successful when the person is in acceptance, which takes us to the fact that you can only change yourself, not your partner because to change your partner is to be in acceptance to tolerate their strengths and weaknesses.

    In addition, it takes two to have a successful relationship. So, it will be nice if you can have a talk with your girlfriend about how you feel. Be open and free to state your observations.  Then, listen to her response before making up your mind, if you still want the relationship or not . If yes, then find a way to make it work together, but if not, move on with your life because it will be better for you to have a broken heart which will heal eventually than to live in pain, regret and end up with a broken home. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved

  • Go easy on fast food

    Dear Harriet,

    I am a mother of four lovely children. I want my children to start eating healthy now that they are young by teaching them how to have a balance diet, so that they grow into a healthy lifestyle bearing in mind that they are students and they need to eat before going to school. Looking at the eating habits of children this day frightens me.

    Please, I need your counsel on healthy eating tips for children.

    Thanks.

    Mrs Olufumi  A, Lagos.

     

    Eating habits are learned behaviour. They’re not intuitive, so what your children learn to eat at home early in life sticks with them well into adult hood. It is not a good idea to count calorie or severely restrict food for children, like some parents do. The good news is that most overweight kids do not need to diet and they may not even need to lose weight at all. As overweight children grow taller, they aim to keep their weight about the same. That means they grow into their ideal weight as they get taller.  Your child might not be overweight or obese, but it is important that they eat healthily and remain physically active. The tips here are relevant to all children, no matter their weight.

    Try new healthy meal

    Ever find yourself making one meal for the adults in the house and another for the kids  or even one for each kid? Children take their time warming up to new things, and if you keep giving them the old standbys they’re not going to branch out and explore new foods. Be patient. Make the same dinner for everyone in the family while making sure to put some foods on the plate that your children like  then add something new. If they don’t touch it, don’t worry about it, and definitely don’t make an argument out of it.

    Try again the next week and again the following week. Eventually they’ll surprise you by at least tasting that new food.

    Be flexible

    Note that anything in moderation is okay. Of course, if a child eats meat pie, doughnuts in moderation, together with a pack of potato chips in moderation, and fizzy drink, mind you it’s no longer healthy.

    While we always want to make the healthiest choices for our children’s bodies, a special treat once a week or even once a day won’t do any damag

    On the contrary, it will help make eating a more enjoyable experience and will help your child build a good relationship with food.

    Sugar swaps

    Swap sugary drinks for water, milk or unsweetened fruit juice. Sugary drinks are not as good as water. Yes, they can provide momentary satisfaction for our children when they are thirsty, but in the long run the substances in them apart from the little water added are harmful to their health. As a result, children should be encouraged  to drink plenty of water daily so that when they grow up, it will be much easier to maintain, and the benefit of water must not be overlooked. It helps to improve the functions of the kidney and also prevent constipation in children.

    Meal time

    Today, many of us are disconnected from food sources in a way that is unprecedented in human history. The number of people who cook meals from the scratch is reducing by number because of our busy lifestyles. It’s faster to grab something from a fast-food restaurant on the way home after school/work, instead of cooking a well homemade meal with the entire necessary nutrients that they need to grow healthy.

    Every day, all children should aim to eat five or more servings of variety of fruits and vegetables. It is wise to give more fruits and vegetables which are in season to our children since they are usually cheaper than others. Some people see them as very expensive. Don’t forget the costs of fruits and vegetables are incomparable to the positive health benefits derived from them.

    Vegetable- a lot of food items fall into this category not only green vegetables, for instance

    green leafy vegetables are okra,cabbage,garden egg,cucumber,tomatoes,broccoli and avocado pear,

    to mention a few. They all contain minerals, vitamin, iron, calcium and pro-vitamin. These are essential for healthy growth and development in children.

    Children need meals that are based on starchy foods, as well remember they are still growing. For example: potatoes, pasta, rice, bread, breakfast cereal or other cereal.

    Protein-rich foods – poultry, fish, eggs, beans, pulses and lentils should not be left out.

    Lower- fat dairy products like milk, yoghurt and cheese (once children are over five).

    Activity:  30/ 60 minutes activity a day. Children should be encouraged to add activity into their daily life. It could be playing football, running, walking. Any sport that they enjoy doing, be it at home or in school. In schools where they have clubs once a week apart from the normal Physical Training. Make sure they enrol for a sporting activity. It keeps them stay healthy and busy.

    Don’t use food as reward, bribes or punishment

    It’s alright to take a child out for ice cream occasionally, but not as an incentive for a good work, likewise don’t punish children for not eating certain foods- it will only foster a negative relationship between you and your children. Learn to encourage and praise good eating instead of nagging on the negative. Resist the temptation to give your children sweets and chocolate for rewards and comfort.

    Make sure your child eats breakfast

    It’s the most important meal of the day, and it should ideally be the largest meal of the day to get your child off on the right foot. After ten to twelve hours with no food, it’s important to refuel the engines. If they don’t eat in the morning, they’ll be tired and unable to concentrate in school before lunch. It’s essential that children jumpstart their metabolism in the morning so their bodies don’t enter starvation mode, which might later cause them to experience difficulty maintaining a healthy body weight.

    Some children need to practice small and working to a bigger meal, if you’re having trouble getting your child to eat breakfast. For most children, breakfast should be around 500 calories and should be nutritionally balanced.

    Starting kids off with sugar first thing in the morning is not ideal. This gives a quick burst of energy and then leaves your child drained. Breakfast should always includes a source of protein, some healthy fats, carbohydrates (whole grains are best) and vitamins and minerals.

    Love and accept your child no matter what

    Love and accept your child at any weight, size, or shape. During childhood, growth is unpredictable at best. It comes in spurts and a once-skinny child can suddenly plump up while his height catches up with his weight. There’s a lot of pressure in our society to be thin, and you might be tempted to put your child on a diet during a growth spurt, but that

    won’t be helpful and may even cause emotional and physical damage.

    Instead, help your child maintain his weight until his height catches up. The best way to do that is to teach good healthy eating habits and encourage your child to be active. Stay healthy!

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved.

  • The missing government papers (1)

    How my aunt, Dr. Madeline Berah, the renowned scientist or Aunt Deline as I called her, expected to be rich while working to be poor, I’ll never know. For one thing, she was a teacher, which meant she did not earn much. For another, she often had flights of fancy that made her use the little she earned in several, unprofitable schemes.

    Once, she had an idea to make note pads with funny little writings on them. Only, it was not to make money but to amuse her friends. Another time, she threw herself into making little furniture pieces with painted patterns on them. Again, it wasn’t to make money but to give out as gifts.

    She had endless schemes like those that not only did not make her rich but actually made her poorer. Every attempt to make her see the uselessness of these ventures fell flat. No one can take the place of providence in her life, she always said; God takes care of his wee little sparrows.

    Travelling through life unconventionally like this, she managed somehow to make it into her sixties. But there she was, one day hard at her teaching post, the next called into the  office of the registrar of the city’s only university, University of Beamtown, shown her file, and asked to hand in her letter of retirement. I don’t think it ever occurred to her she could ever live long enough to be out of work!

    The bigger problem was, she said, she could not for her life recount where the years of her youth went. She insisted it was certainly not while she was having fun; she had been too busy teaching. So, the retirement had caught her by surprise. She had not finished fine-tuning her retirement plans, even though she had been on it for ten years. She needed just a few more years to bring it to maturity, like another ten. Exactly what she planned to do though, I have not been privileged to know.

    You must get this right. I loved my dear aunt, but our relationship was based on mutual respect. I respected her grey hairs, sagacity and sometimes … I don’t want to use the word ‘quaint’ … let’s say ‘different’ ways. In return, she was kind to me: she did not hold my youth against me. She even deferred to my views many times! Actually, that’s how I came to know that I could be taken to be intelligent. Her deference boosted my confidence in class no end, and that made me carry myself with something akin to pride. True, it gave occasion to some envious schoolmates to talk behind my back, but honestly, other than that, I don’t think you can hold me guilty of any other crime.

    I had a carte blanche to visit her before and after my holidays, and since I was schooling in the same university she used to teach in, also during the school days. So, I was, for all practical purposes, her wanted guest throughout the year. That meant of course that I fed on her. In return, I became her confidant, daughter, secretary, recorder, cleaner, cook, and generally in charge of a lot of things, such as the one she bounced ideas off, on and into. That is how I come to be able to tell you her story or stories, dear reader. She did nothing without passing it by me.

    Don’t get me wrong, Aunt Deline was a fiercely independent woman, stubborn even. She was so independent she refused to marry, promising to break the head of one suitor should he have the temerity to repeat his suit, as I heard, and to drown another if he so much as breathed to a soul that she ever allowed him to kiss her. I took her deferring to my opinions as a measure of her regard for me, her only sister’s daughter.

    When I arrived fresh from a dull holiday at my parents’ rather more placid existence in Pere town somewhere in the middle part of the country, I found Aunt Deline on the landing, in front of the flat, talking with the inspector’s wife. The flat directly above my aunt’s was rented by Inspector Gogo, a very friendly policeman with a ‘criminal record’. His crime? He had a sense of humour. Luckily, he had an equally friendly family to share it with. Seriously, he was also a good source of the city’s crime records.

    Obviously, the policeman was not in, but his wife was in as I could hear her conversing with my aunt on the landing as I struggled up the staircase with my luggage.

    ‘How are you, Mrs. Gogo? Is your husband in?’

    ‘No, he has gone out.’

    ‘On duty?’

    ‘No, to work. Are you fine, Mama? Yesterday, we did not see you at all.’

    ‘Ah, no problem, Mrs. Gogo. I went somewhere and came back late.’

    ‘All right. I will tell him you called.’

    ‘Thank you. Do you know if he brought yesterday’s newspaper home?’

    ‘Yes’, and the woman promptly went back inside to retrieve it. It was The Manifest.

    When my aunt descended the staircase and saw me, she did not help me with any of my baggage. That wasn’t her way.

    ‘If you persist in going around like a pilgrim, then you should be prepared to carry your sins on your back,’ was her only encouragement to me. I assured her I could cope as I had remission of sins to look forward to. She grunted and went back into our flat. At least she held the door open for me.

    One of the perks of living in our block was living alongside Inspector Gogo. He and his family made life tolerable for us by their friendliness and his frequent bouts of head butting with Aunt Deline and kindness to me. I enjoyed both sides of him and that made me sympathise with those who had really ugly neighbours. It could make one want to commit suicide.

    More importantly, he was an unending source of stories on crime and criminals. His stories were so astounding that I could not believe that this city of Keriba could hide such murk beneath it while appearing so calm on the surface. Worse, they brought out all kinds of emotions in me. At first, the stories incited so much fear in me I became too afraid to even move around at all. Then they made me so indignant I felt like thrusting out into the underworld, where it is said that low life criminals move and live and have their being, and incinerating them all. Then, I gradually found myself looking forward to his visits to our flat, because each visit meant new stories. Just when the change took place I cannot tell, but one day, I actually became interested in the stories. And the more salacious they were, the more interesting.

    We heard stories about the murder of a young girl committed in broad day light while her mother was away in the market; about some government papers stolen from some official’s house in the night; of some people unhappy with the government and blowing up pipelines just to show it; of oil workers who were white men kidnapped by hooligans; of rich and poor people’s family members kidnapped for ransom; of political figures assassinated in several ways  bombs delivered to their houses, armed thugs degutting them, or plain old fashioned straight shooting …

    As time went on, I found that the inspector was not merely recounting the stories for our listening benefits. Often, Aunt Deline’s questions or contributions provided him with angles that he probably had not thought of before. She was his sounding board, just as I was hers.

    As I unpacked and settled in, Aunt Deline settled down to read the newspaper, mumbling something about needing to see the situations vacant columns.

    ‘Look’, she showed me a story headline. ‘The state is planning to start its own university in the next six months. That’s better than nothing. Not a full time employment but it should keep body and soul together.’

  • How to handle your finances in marriage

    DEAR HARRIET,

    My husband and I are always arguing about money. Why is money such a big issue in marriage? Thanks.

    Mrs. Akin

    Lagos.

     

    Although money is not everything in a marriage, it can make or unmake a home. Money is very important to everyone as to couples. Many marriages are in trouble today because of money, while some have failed and died.

    It is hard to admit that money is often the root of most problems in marriages, but if handled properly, it can be a source of amazing intimacy. That is not to say that money is the centre of life or that managing the family finances must be a heavy burden. In fact, financial success is really just a matter of making good choices consistently.

    However, the issue of money is so fundamental in marriage that we cannot overlook it. For example, when couples struggle financially, we see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups and chaos.

    It’s difficult to show love towards your spouse when your mind is occupied with worries about financial matters like school fees, house rent, and other bills. Only couples who are open in their finances can stand hard times because there is no financial secret.

    Talking about why money is such an issue in marriage, we find out that couples most times rate each other’s spending differently. Phrases, like I’m the saver, while you are the spender, are commonly used.

    The perception of spending money between husband and wife is different. Most women usually take care of family daily expenses, groceries, clothes for the family, while men spend on large purchases like plasma TVs, cars and computers. However, they are spending differently.

    In some homes, for example, money can be used to dominate a relationship or satisfy a hungry ego to some spouses. Too little of it can be a source of anxiety, especially when there are children to be educated, too much of it can also lead to inflated egos and break bond.

    These are ways money can affect a marriage. Unemployment is not left out. It can affect self-esteem, confidence level, emotional state of a spouse and this can really affect a marriage.

    Moreover, extended family expenses can be a financial challenge to a family, if not discussed and managed properly.

    Lifestyle not in accordance with the available resources can put a huge strain on spouse’s relationship. Gigantic purchases like building or buying a house, car, if not within budget and proper time can pose as a problem. If you and your spouse quarrel over money most times, here are some guides.

    Talking about money with your spouse is one way of solving money issues. You are in a better position to solve the issue pressing on your marriage mostly if it has to do with money. Looking for what suits your family, some families can work better with joint accounts, for instance, while others can have joint and still maintain separate personally accounts. You know what! Look for what suits your family and apply it. Always remember to save for a rainy day.

    Keeping spending on check:  Gone are the days of cutting your coat according to your size. With the economic situation, couples should know that it is now cut your coat according to your fabric. Therefore, having a plan on what is important and necessary is vital. Communicating with your spouse, deciding on how much money will be allocated to daily running of the house, how much to save for big projects and so on together must be put into consideration in order to avoid monetary problem in marriage.

    Avoid blaming each other when things go wrong. This is one common challenge that couples who are going through financial problems experience. A situation whereby a spouse sees his  or her spouse as somebody who spends alone, while he or she hardly spends, if not treated properly, might lead to some bigger problems because in the real sense, they both spend. It is just that their priorities are different in terms of their purchases as mentioned earlier.

    Avoid debts: This is another aspect that affects marital relationship. Avoid purchases on credit. Don’t go buying what you can’t afford; something we have to know is that good things never come to an end. There will always be nice stuff; however, that you cannot afford it today does not mean that you can’t tomorrow. Go for what you can afford and be contented.

    Approach all financial issues as a team, setting goals for resolving your financial setbacks. Agreeing on a course of action together provides the clarity of purpose necessary for finding a solution.

    Remember don’t blame each other when things go wrong. The blame approach doesn’t work in marriages and love.

    Self-pity also is a waste of emotion. Don’t wallow in it. Feeling sorry for yourself or your situation does not solve anything. Getting out is by taking a team approach to focus and act positively.

    Take action today to begin addressing your financial issues together. More so, celebrating together over a financial breakthrough should not be left out. Times do occasionally get tough, but here’s the bottomline-if you have a loving and trusting relationship with someone who believes in it.

    If you love someone completely, then understand that your true love will sustain you through the best of times and the worst of times.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Let the tears flow (3)

    She had access to  key information in the town.

    Many times, she would come to me with the lists of successful people looking for partners in the town. On some occasions, I would say something, and other times , I could just stay there laughing.

    “It will be better to stay back in this town to set up an information agency office” I said while peeling an orange for her to enjoy.

    “Stay back ke! Why?” She asked while using her tongue to remove the orange seed hanging in  between her mouth and the palate.

    “To establish your poke-nosing and data collection trade, of course. If you are lucky, Iyaloja will give you one of her sons to marry”

    “You are not serious.”

    “I am very serious.”

    “Unmmmm, if that is the case , it will be of better value for you to marry Uncle Adebayo, so that we can both stay here and add to the population,” she said so,  moving towards the window.

    “You are such a dreamer.”

    “The problem with you is that you are too busy to notice your admirers. Well not to worry, I am bringing Uncle Bayo to your school tomorrow because I have finished selling your profile to him”

    “If that is a joke, better stop it before I lose my temper” I got up feigning to knock her down with a television remote control gadget I quickly picked from the centre table.

    I was now used to her stupid but realistic jokes.

    By the time I met Adebayo again at the state banquet dinner, we were more or less beginning to like each other.

    The governor’s wife whom I called Aunty Abike was our matchmaker. She believed that I was going to be an asset to my race. She also believed that Bayo was too kind to end up with a bad wife. The governor pretended not to know what was happening. I was too shy and surprised at the fast tempo. Real love doesn’t count days but moments.

    That night the governor was hosting the Italian Ambasador to Nigeria. The man had requested for native songs. Notwithstanding, at intervals  were the music of African pop and highlife maestros such as Tunji Oyelana, Victor Olaiya, Osadebe, Rex Lawson, even Madam Comfort Omoge’s Asiko song  were played.

    Men were coming out to excuse ladies to dance. Bayo came to me where I sat beside the First lady, excusing me for a dance. Before I could say no, Aunty as I called the governor’s wife said in Yoruba that he would dance with the three of us, Justina inclusive. Crazy Justina was already on her dancing feet. As we were dancing to the lyrics coming form Omo Pupa by Victor Olaiya whom I later leant that his grandfather originated from Ekiti, but had many houses in core Lagos areas, the governor came to excuse his wife, leaving Bayo,Justina and I. Seconds later,  Justina said she wanted to use the toilet. It was pre-planned in order to have time for Bayo to really get closer to me.

    We were dancing and in-between whispering things into my ear.  I would move closer to listen to him due to the loud music blaring from the sound system. This would give him ample opportunity for his shoulder to touch mine.

    It was a great night to remember. There were a lot to eat and wine. Bayo settled for palm wine, I opted for cola drink.

    By 3pm, the party was still on, but I told the First Lady of my schedule at the school the following day, hence the need to retire for the day.

    Justina was not ready as she was eager to dance until the music stopped. I bid Bayo good night while Aunty herself drove me to my apartment in her Volkswagen Beetle car. She made sure I bolted the door from inside before she left.

    I thought of the party scene for about one hour before sleeping off .

    It was Yeye , my landlady’s voice that woke me up the following morning. I quickly rushed down to the bathroom in order to be able to get to the school on time. Justina was already at my doorstep fully prepared for the hospital. How she made it was amazing to me.

    “I left you at the party last night, How  were you able to be fully prepared before me?” I quizzed her after greeting Yeye.

    “That is the secret of being an Iyaloja ‘s daughter” she answered smiling.

    “You have not answered my question. When you answer me , I will know.”

    “You better go and take your bath before the driver changes his mind.” She said using one hand to push me aside as she entered my sitting room

    “You are full of mischief, which driver are you talking about?”

    “International VIP, of course”

    “Please, leave me out if this rubbish before I get late to the school. You know the school principal always uses me as an example to the latecomers.”

    I went in to prepare. As we got to the gate,  I saw Bayo truly waiting to take us to our different locations.

    I was too stunned to say something!

    “Good morning Uncle Bayo,” I saluted him.

    Turning to Justina, I gave her a scornful look. She pretended not to see my face.

    “I hope you won’t sell me to the cattle rearers one day because you seem to know the mother more than the child?”

    Replying me, ” Yes, I know the mother more than the child, the wife more than the husband, the school more than the teacher because I am training myself to be your chief bride’s maid soon” Bayo was laughing. We were both enjoying her joke, but I did not answer her.

    We drove to the hospital first to drop her. When I inquired to know why not me first because the school was nearer to my house than the hospital, Bayo didn’t say anything; but Justina whom I just christened Emure Parrot was quick to say: “ How would you two have time to talk about the new development if he drops you first.”

    Still not satisfied, she said as she was running towards the hospital gate,  “Uncle Bee, don’t forget the lunch time. My friend can watch our mouths while we eat.”

    She didn’t wait for any answer as she ran inside. Bayo and I drove in silence until we approached the school gate.

    He placed his right hand on mine own right hand. He asked if it would be wiser to get married in June due to the raining season.

    “Why are you consulting me about such?”

    I asked without looking up

    “Because you are my wife and I need to know your best months.”

    “Wife ?” I queried him angrily.

    “Yes, you are my wife to be and both God and human beings have signed the intention paper. Why should I waste time?”

    “Is that how you marry people without wooing her?”

    “Woo you? Who told you I have not done such?”

    “Do you think I have no boyfriends in Lagos?”

    “Why adding ‘s’ to the word boyfriend? Anyway, I have done my homework and I am fully convinced that we are for each other. I was even in your church in order  to see the family that I am  going to  newly adopt”

    “You don’t mean it?”

    “I mean it, is your church not the Cathedral beside Balogun Market”?

    “Aaaaaah!”

    “Is your daddy’s seat not closer to the organist’s arena?”

    “You must be out of your senses.”

    “Yes, out of my senses to a worthy cause.”

    That was it as we got married six months later.  Justina as she said before became my best lady. It was a classy society wedding. The encomiums were too much.

    Bayo was a perfect gentleman, friendly, romantic, open-minded and easy-going, a bundle of happiness to me and the entire household.

  • Never love this

    Only last weekend I watched a movie about a young lady who went the extra mile to wangle, (not just win) the love of a guy she loved, even though she was warned that he did not love her in return. Apparently, the guy was only interested in her money. In spite of advice to the contrary, she manipulated the situation to her advantage, and got her wish, but with tragic consequences, I digress. Back to my story, what on earth makes a woman choose to be with a man she knows does not love her? I like what the female author of the Dating Rules for Women said, “Wise women love only men who love them.” Why? When a man loves you, he will treat you with respect and kindness and will always have your interests at heart, without love, anything can happen. In all the instances I have seen of men who treat their women like dirt, more often than not, the union was not founded on love (especially on his side).

    What many ladies fail to realize is that the average man is a hunter, and appreciates whatever he struggles to get, even if he got it with great difficulty. Even though most men might not admit it, just as the average guy believes that a woman who gives in too easily is cheap, even worse is the situation of women who choose to love men who do not reciprocate their affections. Such a woman is at a disadvantage, why? Love gives a woman her man’s heart, and guarantees that he will treat her with kindness and care, without it anything can happen.

    In most cultures and religions the world over, women are required to submit to their husbands while men are required to love their wives. Anything else is a reversal of nature and a recipe for disaster. Taking the argument further, any married woman will tell you that it is easier to submit to a loving husband than an unfeeling, or cold husband, if not a tyrannical one. These words are however only valuable to single ladies out there. For the married ones, what can I advise? Patience.

    I have taken the time to ask people of both sexes why a woman would choose to love someone they know does not love them and received quite a number of responses; from the misguided to the unbelievable, but the truth is, how possible is it for a woman to live with a man who is from a different background and all without love?  I will end with another quote by the author of the Dating Rules for Women, when you are with a man who loves you he will treasure you and will always (in his mind) pursue you. The woman who decides to love a man who does not reciprocate her affections will always have to pursue him, which is not a very palatable experience for any woman.

  • When not to depend on your spouse

    DEAR Harriet,

    My husband says I am suffocating him. I’m more in love with him than he is with me. I don’t want to lose him by being too clingy. I need your counsel.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos.

    Thanks for sharing your problem. A situation where you are totally dependent on your spouse or partner for everything or always being in his space for fear of losing him because of the love you have for him.

    Such behaviour can drive him away, rather, in no time the person will start feeling choked. Not everybody enjoys being crowded. Some people just need their space.

    In addition, excessive expectations in intimate relationships involve unreasonable demands for time, affection, or strength. If care is not taken, you will suffocate your relationship if you expect too much.

    However, it may indicate a different problem such as insecurity, anxiety, or low self- esteem or  your husband or partner could be responsible for you acting the way you are.

    People cling on when they feel insecure. You may have accepted your husband loves you less, but I suspect emotionally it’s a different story. If your husband wants you to be more independent, tell him that he needs to be more loving because a woman that is shown affection,  feel safe and secure, then find no reason what soever to be clinging so much to her husband.

    However, the more reassured you are, the less suffocating you will be. Apart from your spouse or partner, you also have a very important role to play in this situation in order to put an end  to the happening.

    Here are some tips to assist you: Learn to take time for yourself. Have time for yourself doing what you enjoy alone. If you like to read, then go on and read at your free time. If it is watching films, kick back and enjoy a film. Find out that thing you like, it will keep you occupied and less clinging.

    Another step is to give your partner or spouse space, time and room to breathe. Some men like to hang out with their guys Friday after work, while some women also will like to visit their friends or families as well.

    Couples are  encouraged to create special moment where they can spend quality time together for bonding. In spite of this, they should bear in mind that sometimes  they also need their “lone time,” so that when they get back together they can share their experiences and have something to talk about. Most men need to be able to get away to think about issues and digest them.

    Furthermore, it is for you to  strike a balance between your demands and those of your spouse or partner. Try to have a common ground with your spouse on issues. Things might not always go your way because the relationship involves two different personalities with separate expectations and opinions.

    Always put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Next is the issue of your hobbies and interest. The question is what are the things you enjoy the most.  Go and do them. If it is sport, get registered and keep at it. This will help you not to always be in your spouse’s or partner’s face.

    Moreover, learn to cultivate your own friends apart from your husband’s or partner’s friends that you barely know. For example, have your own friends. This can be some good friends you have known growing up that have made positive impact on your life, friends who are always there to tell you the truth not because they want to gain something from you, but are honest friends in their ways.

    Keeping in touch with your good friends might help you as well. Appreciate who you are as a person.   Start seeing greatness in yourself with the feeling that you are a complete being instead of pushing so hard for your spouse to complete you.

    Therefore, develop your own spiritual, personal, social and professional self. Trust me, once you are not in touch with whom you are, it can lead to suffocation of one’s spouse or partner.

    If you find it difficult to work on your own, don’t hesitate to see a professional counsellor to help you.

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng