The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • Ways to tackle matters of the heart

    Dear Harriet, I have been married for some years but still maintain just a friendly relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Recently, I am beginning to have affection for her more than my wife. I keep feeling that my marriage is a mistake. Please, what should I do? Kindly help me. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Your case is not an exceptional one, trust me. Some people are in your situation in their relationship or marriage at the moment but they find it hard or there is no outlet or somebody to speak to. Some have tuned their minds to go with the flow while others are standing firm, putting all the ex-girlfriend feelings to rest.

    One thing for sure is that there is no perfect wife or perfect husband. Couples, in some cases, have this feeling that they would have been better married to maybe their ex or someone else. They think the grass is greener on the other side. This will pose a huge problem if not tackled properly. The feeling of someone better than your wife, if care is not taken, can give room to other issues in the home.

    In no time, you will start seeing and treating your wife badly, simply because of the feelings you have for your ex, without realising it. As a result, you will always find fault in your wife, no matter how much she tries to be a good wife for you. Your marriage is very young, and I suppose that before you proposed to your wife, you thought it through, most of all, if there was some kind of affection or connection between both of you.

    Agree that the early years of coming together to live as one is really not easy because everybody is trying to make a point, call it securing their space somehow. Couples struggle at this early stage. Take, for instance, all this while you are used to doing things in a certain way, but now that you are married the story is different, it is no longer going your way; things have changed. This stage does not last forever since couples get better as the day goes by. The main quality that will keep couples going is if they have love for each other, which is the main factor that holds a good marriage together.

    Love overcomes every obstacle. Another factor is to have an open mind with your wife; no assumptions because, without a free mind, you cannot have effective communication, an important ingredient that couples need for a successful marriage. Acceptance and contentment must be mentioned at this point because when they are lacking in a marriage, it can give room for issues.

    Satisfaction comes from within, so to snap out of this feeling is to remind yourself of the reason why you married your wife. The ball is in your court to make your marriage work. Come to think of it, what guarantee is there that your ex will be a better wife? Relationship or dating is a different game compared to marriage. Besides, she can only show you the part of her that she wants you to see. Have you ever thought of it? The devil you know, they say, is better than the angel you don’t know. Think it over and see how you can make it work because one thing we must note is that it takes two to build a happy home.

    Furthermore, every couple has its strengths and weaknesses. Learn to encourage each other and work on your weaknesses as a team. Talk to her about everything, especially your likes and dislikes, don’t hold anything back and ask her about hers as well. Discuss freely about all, even your sex life. You are married, confirmed husband and wife, for crying out loud. So, talk and learn from each other on how to bond as one. In addition, if you want to stop thinking about your ex, you need to take away her presence from your life. Therefore, all contact with her must stop; no phone calls, no text messages, e-mails or social media messages.

    Interaction must be brief and formal, if necessary. There is no perfect marriage, you must know. For every successful marriage you see out there, it means that someone worked at it. Someone showed love, faithfulness, honesty, humility, patience, tolerance, appreciation and satisfaction. Life is about the choices we make. Occupy your mind with thoughts that will aid you to achieve realistic goals in order to be a better person and husband. Take up sporting activities that you enjoy. Filling your days up will leave little time to start feeling or thinking of your ex. Get busy.

    Having joint activity with your wife can bring back the spark in your relationship. Make space to spend quality time as couples together, go out if need be, and do those things you used to do. Enjoy each other’s company. Most marriages are boring today because couples pay little or no attention to spending quality time doing what they enjoy doing before marriage. Feeling is a mind set, and you alone can control it. Cherish what you have.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng  or bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj

    A problem shared is a problem half solved

  • Dealing with verbal abuse in marriage

    Dear Harriet, thank God I got a person like you. I have been in a verbally abusive marriage and my husband doesn’t see anything wrong in it. My feelings do not matter to him. I am psychologically traumatised because of this abuse. He calls me names like ‘mugu’, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘senseless’, ‘goat’, ‘aturu’ (sheep) ‘evil’, ‘devil’; how I can’t meet up as a wife, more so that  he is keeping me because of the children, and that nothing good comes out of me. With all these happenings, I can’t have sex with my husband any longer or feel free with him. I need your counsel please.

    Name with held, Abuja

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us and seeking advice on how to deal with happening in your relationship with your husband. What you are actually experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very common in relationships and, most times, victim do not tag it abuse because it is not physical or it appears subtle and hard to recognise due to the manner it plays out, so some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse.

    Giving a clear understanding of what you are passing through is of great essence, so I will start by explaining what action can be classified as verbal abuse and its effect, then steps to take which I had published months before for people with similar experience. This is not only applicable to women; some men are verbally abused by their wives as well.

    Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person. For example: name-calling, using words like ‘stupid’, ‘idiot’, ‘fool’, ‘useless’, and so on. These words put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle them. Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly ‘walking on egg shells’ for fear of been told off.

    Furthermore is the blaming and shaming attitude, the ‘can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner’, always finding fault, showing no appreciation no matter how hard the victim tries, isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during discussions; disregard of spouse opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour. All these are signs of verbal abuse.

    You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. But the scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep. In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, sometimes even more. It affects the victim slowly.

    A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self esteem while making the person believe that his or her action is done out of love and care. Moreover, verbal abuse can be so regular that it becomes the normal way of communication. In addition, it puts the victim in a confused state, not really knowing what to believe anymore, their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from someone who initially loved them.

    Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness and resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on. Verbal abuse can take a great toll on someone’s health and general well-being if not addressed. More ways of dealing with issues of verbal abuse are to have effective communication with your spouse about how his talking down on you affects you and the relationship and talking about the attitude in a very calm manner, not through a quarrel.

    If you are not making any headway through this means, your next step is to suggest visiting a trained counsel or speaking out to a member of the family that you feel he or she will listen to for help. However, if he is the type that doesn’t listen to anybody, still make your report. Avoid silence because your abuser gains more control when you don’t talk. He might kick against it at the beginning. Learn not to force it but keep at it in a nice way and don’t forget to take your situation to God in prayer while you add action to it by doing the aforementioned.

    Think more about yourself than your situation, take good care of yourself and be happy, take up a hobby that you enjoy, register with a gym if possible, as exercise is a form of relaxation that makes you feel good with yourself. Nobody has the right to make you miserable except you permit it. Don’t regard his attitude towards you as your fault. Another step is to avoid isolation. Instead, surround yourself with true friends and family members for support. To stay sane, you surely will need all the help you can get.

    Moreover, avoid engaging in conflict with your abuser, be calm when he or she is upset, don’t give room for him to call you names, walk away if possible without an attitude. Verbal abuse, if not handled properly, can give room to other forms of abuse like physical abuse, the type that has sent spouses to their early grave. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an advocate of divorce, but safety is very important and must not be neglected.

    As you seek healthy ways to restore the situation, have the right attitude towards one another. Bear in mind that there is no moral justification whatsoever for a spouse or partner to verbally abuse his or her spouse, no matter the situation. Temper control promotes a healthy relationship among spouses which is a key factor in putting an end to verbal abuse.

    One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of marriage is determined by the direction of the tongue. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog: www. Liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com, text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine

  • Nigerian Compere Industry worth N1bn Annually – Chigozirim

    Nigerian Compere Industry worth N1bn Annually – Chigozirim

    Everyone who has ever attended an event will agree that the difference between an ordinary event and a memorable one is the quality the Master of Ceremony adds to the event. While many are of the opinion that the arduous task of compering an event can be delegated to anyone, the reality is this task can only be delegated to a select few who possess the requisite skills of public speaking coupled with the ability to keep the audience hooked; a set of skills hard to come by, but can be found in a professional MC.

    A number of female professional Master of Ceremonies have begun to emerge in the hitherto male dominated industry. One of such female MCs who has braved the odds to carve a niche for herself in the industry is Chigozirim Otefe-Edebi. Chigo as her fans would call her started her career in the banking and telecoms industry with over a decade old experience before deciding to pursue a professional compere career.

    Chigozirim’s story is an interesting and educating one, as it offers us a rare insight into a previously unexplored industry. She shares her unique experience as a female professional Master of Ceremony in this interview.

     

    How would you describe the compere/master of ceremony job you do, Is it in the acting category or a trade or profession of its own?
    In my opinion, being a full time compere can be referred to as a profession on its own. Its serious business and very lucrative if you have the right machinery in terms of skills, publicity and patronage.

     

    Would you prescribe a special school to raise professional talents for the job?
    Well it could be part of a whole curriculum like arts, entertainment, communication, show business or any other field that leverages strongly on public speaking. A special school just for being a compere might be extreme because the curriculum and activity schedule to train a committed and interested person is estimated to require a few days of like 3- 4 hours per day. The major challenges and bulk of personal development exercises though for someone interested in this field would be things like building confidence, conquering stage fright, diction & grammar improvement etc.

     

    Presently, what is the estimated worth/value of the industry?
    Well I can’t say I have thought of this question before today but let me paint a picture that will attempt to answer this question. In Lagos alone I was reliably informed that following an event venue audit, there are at least 600 event venues active every Saturday for weddings and other activities. Let’s assume half of those events are wedding receptions which must have an MC and these MCs range from celebrity MCs to the smooth talking relative, with a very conservative average fee per MC pegged at N50,000, that brings the worth of the industry to about Fifteen Million Naira for just one Saturday for weddings in Lagos state alone , not to mention all the other types of events in the other 300 venues plus other days of the week. The industry is huge and there is so much room because unlike catering or event planning an MC/Compere can only be in one place at a time.

     

    The Compere business in Nigeria appears to be all comers affair, what do you think and how would you like it to be structured?
    The entry barrier is very low. Once a person believes they can speak well and they are not afraid of the crowd, possibly they believe they have humor as well, then they make themselves available for any willing client. It requires little or no capital if you have a nice outfit or a friend to lend you your outfit and another friend to drop you at the venue. In some cases, you are lucky, and you are paid either part or all of your money before the event so you can buy what you need if you want and get yourself there but at the end of the day, some of these enthusiasts have wrecked a lot of events. Some clients are even forced to take on celebrities like actors or musicians as MCs for their events just because they are great on TV but will they be great with engaging your crowd? It’s not bad to identify potential and want to harness it but I believe so much in training and it would be great if we had talent managers who clients can rely on to give them trained MCs for various events from formal to social. Personally I dream of growing bigger to be known globally as a quintessential and dynamic brand as far as compering events goes. Then as I grow I am training and raising others under my communication company so people with different budgets can access excellent comperes for their various events. They look at my quality as a standard guarantee that anyone from under Voicewox (my company) must be a great MC.

     

    Some master of ceremonies run down Nigeria at international events, what do you think and how can this business be used to promote Nigeria’s image?
    I am a very firm believer and advocate of the mantra that every single person in the communication business has a role to play in nation building from movie makers to musicians and yes MCs. What we say and how we say what we say speaks volumes to the listeners. We are automatic leaders of thoughts and influencers of ideas. You can leave an event and days after still be laughing or upset when you recall what the MC said, so yes I agree we are powerful. Personally I try to chip in some positive thoughts when I am on stage. E.g. at weddings I proudly let them know I am a successful product of intertribal marriage, at another event one time, I used humorous examples to advocate for keeping Nigeria clean because someone just threw something out the window when there was a dustbin a few feet away so I took a cue from that. Such roles can shape our society for the better if we actively think about it.

     

    There are not too many ladies in this industry, what is keeping them away and what is making you strong?
    It’s possible that there are a lot of ladies but we don’t know a lot of them because they haven’t done some homework yet. As I speak to you I can count over 10 Female MC (Not Comedians), pure professional MCs that I know personally. However you are correct that as with most other business sectors, women have challenges. . I don’t know what might be limiting other women but let me share some of the things that threatened to limit me.
    I started this business in December 2003 and I got married in 2007. I have had a lot of breaks in my career due to pregnancy, maternity, raising my kids etc. I have done events with pregnancy because the clients really believed in me and wanted me or no one else. Those were really humbling times but I just had to tell myself this is like a job you go back to when maternity leave is over and don’t write yourself off. Then there is the issue of physical flaws whether real or imagined; I’m too fat, not beautiful enough, tummy is too big etc. but thanks to the fashion industry we can now hide these flaws or manage them and feel more confident. There is the issue of sexual harassment from strange men at events but the way you dress and comport yourself as a woman can help prevent that. Also, you can go with someone to events, which can help. Overall believing in myself against all odds, determination regardless of competition and staying focused because the sky is so big and wide for all birds to fly in this profession. I also have an extremely supportive husband and family. They cheer me on and make it very easy for me to keep going.

     

    What challenges does the industry face and how can they be solved?
    There used to be this challenge of competing with comedians for space and even when you get the job, the crowd expects you to behave like a comedian. Meanwhile we are not the same. An MC is not a comedian. An MC might be funny, some comedians might be good MCs but ultimately our functions at events are not the same. However I see that challenge as no longer existent for me because I think I have outgrown that crowd that doesn’t understand the difference. These days, I am specifically sought out by people who are clear on the difference. Between 2008 to 2010, I also did some advocacy work in my own little way using articles, my old blog and opportunities to speak at events to highlight the differences between a comedian and an MC/Compere. That doesn’t mean an MC shouldn’t bring humor to the table, except in cases where the clients specifically advice against any jokes and give strict instructions for a strict, formal interaction all through. This brings me to the next challenge, some clients and some MCs underestimate the importance of planning an event before D-Day. My best events are those where a proper planning meeting or rehearsal occurred before D-Day. It doesn’t mean some things might not change but it always comes out better because expectations are aligned. The other challenge is the perception of star power. Clients will rate and pay an in-experienced radio or TV personality higher than you forgetting that live crowd engagement is different so I have since started playing in the media space with a couple of my own radio shows on various radio platforms and I have some TV gigs in the making; both film, series and talk shows . I also featured in the Audrey Silver hit movie ‘Surulere’ which was sold out in cinemas. The beauty of God’s grace is that I happen to do TV and radio fabulously so I can only fully overcome this challenge in a matter of time.
    How did you find yourself in the Compere/master of ceremony business?
    I found myself in university as a confident public speaker and somehow the job chose me. People kept identifying me as MC for small gatherings and it just kept growing. My first huge platform which made me go commercial was my office year end party in December 2003. It was a Telecommunication company, I was in the call center at the time and by a series of events I found myself on stage as the compere. I did so well, I got two wedding bookings after that day for N5, 000 each. I kept growing; today I am worth over a hundred times more.

     

    What makes you accept to perform at a ceremony – money or audience?
    I have a price tag which I review quarterly or annually depending on Macro Economics so really any client who can afford me, I will work for. It’s pretty much first come- first serve for now. However I have been privileged to stand before some amazing audiences in the course of my work but that doesn’t necessarily affect my choice. It’s my job, I want to work. Once you can pay my price, I will work. I haven’t yet had to refund any body’s money or turn down an event because a bigger crowd called me. I have had one or two scenarios like that but I stayed true to the first caller. The journey is long term, there will be plenty opportunities ahead. Just book early, its first come, first serve, the price is constant.

     

    Where do you rate yourself in the compere business?
    I always tell people I’m a compere not an MC because I think ‘MC’ is too pedestrian a word for beautiful, international me. I have distinguished myself from the crowd by approaching the business with a professional disposition as opposed to a hobby and I like to think I made that word ‘Compere’ popular or main stream. Since 2008, I took up that cause to carve that niche for a compere being associated with a classy, top notch, professional MC. I can confidently say I am one of Nigeria’s top pure breed- professional Comperes.

     

    Among other master of ceremonies, what stands you out?
    Beyond being female, classy, beautiful, confident, articulate, funny, decent, warm and respectful, I also have a strong corporate and marketing communications background in both Banking and Telecommunications in Nigeria. I did almost 2 years in Banking and 12 years in Telecommunications so you find that I understand business protocol, language and the brand or business communication objectives at formal and corporate events. I also have strong Christian and family values which have qualified me to be the compere of several high impact social religious events. I also enjoy high patronage from female brands or social events because as a fun loving, woman I know how to show the girls a great time.

     

    Apart from yourself, who do you admire most in that industry?
    Ikonwosa Osakioduwa (IK) is really doing well and literarily living in my dreams.

     

    What do you love more when performing on stage?
    Once the crowd is engaged and responsive that’s when I feel most fulfilled and certain again that I was born to do this. I lose myself on stage, it’s not about me for those hours, it’s about the flow and the people. There were times I was seriously ill just before an event and I would forget I was ill until event was over. No one would even suspect. One day I crawled into my house after an event cos I was really ill but no one would have guessed at the event. Even I forgot something was wrong with me for the 4 hours I was on stage.

     

    What makes you pick the dress you wear for a ceremony?
    I choose my outfit based on the brand colors if it’s a corporate event or colors of the day if it’s a wedding. Sometimes the event theme, culture or tribe of the celebrants inspire my outfit but my outfits must also flatter my physique, must be decent and I must be comfortable. I also love accessories and sometimes I tend to use really bold pieces.

     

    What do you do when not performing?
    I resigned from paid employment in December, so these days I take care of my family, then I’m an APCON accredited Media and Communications professional, I have a diploma in Digital Marketing and Social Media Marketing from the Shaw Academy UK, so when I’m not on stage, I consult for clients, I manage and design web content for clients, media placements among other things. I also host my own radio shows on Metro 97.7FM and then Digits 1024Radio which is online. There are TV programs in the making as well. Sometimes my 24 hours are not enough.

     

    Where and how do you get your inspiration for stage performance?
    I believe I was born to do this, sometimes I think from heaven I must have been announcing the names of the next set of angels to present worship or something because I don’t need much to inspire me before I do the work. However I watch a lot of TV with emphasis on comedy, game shows and drama so I think those things help as well.

     

    Tell me some of your best performances?
    Please they are too numerous to mention, however I have found that when my client (s) and I plan the event flow together and when my client(s) believe in me then allow me the liberty to do my job, the results are exceptional.
    What advice would you give to upcoming master of ceremonies?
    Believe in yourself. Practice and rehearse with any opportunity you have so that when you are given big opportunities you will do well. Keep building and growing your confidence and invest in your wardrobe.

     

    Where do you think you will be in the next 10 years?
    Heading and growing my own Media and Communication consulting company with at least 30% of the business revenue coming in from Talent Management of a kaleidoscope of talents with me being the number one compere out of Africa for National and International premium events. I will also be my husband’s wife and my children’s mother.

     

    Your parting words?
    I want to use this opportunity to appreciate everyone who has ever cheered me on or patronized me on this job and advice event planners and potential clients not to settle for less than a professional MC for their events having invested so much into making it a reality.

  • How to handle family problems

    Dear Harriet,

    I am 45 years old married man with children.

    Please, I need your counsel on family problems. Thanks.

    Mr. James Y., Lagos.

    Family problems come in all shapes and sizes; some are short-lived and easily managed, while others are more chronic and difficult to handle. Some are just temporary which disappear in no time, if only families learn to be patient.

    As the saying goes, there is no perfect family. That is why each family develops its own ways of coping with the various stresses like illness, injury, changing jobs, unemployment, financial difficulties and so on.

    Unsuccessful coping can be recognized by a number of characteristics as follows: poor communication, poor problem-solving, poor division of duties, lack of emotional support, differences, over-dependency on others, chronic crises.

    Poor interaction is one common problem that exists within the family. Could be that family members either avoid talking with one another due to past encounter or have not learned to listen well to what others are trying to say through their words, expressions or actions.

    As a matter of fact, a situation where conflicts and disagreements are not resolved poses as a problem to the family. This usually occurs when family members avoid discussing problems or even avoid admitting that there is a problem in the first place.

    Impression like this extends conflict which causes some discomfort and unhappiness. Some families still have not learnt  the skill of negotiating or, for some other reasons, cannot let go of bad feelings with little or no regard on how this action can affect the members of the family, bearing in mind that  children on their own pattern their attitude after their parents’ bahaviour.

    In addition, inability to settle differences within the family can also pose as a huge problem; for example, in a situation where family members are finding it difficult on deciding what problems really exist or who is responsible, the choice for working out the problem and how the family can agree upon an option and act on it can be a challenge. There may not be an agreement on what the priorities are within the family in the process.

    Another aspect that poses as a problem in a family is the area of poor division of responsibilities; families often decide how family responsibilities will be shared among family members. When situation like this occurs the life of the family becomes completely confused and many things are not accomplished.

    At the other extreme, some families are not flexible at all and family members do not help one another out or fairly reassign responsibilities as family circumstances change.

    However, cases like insufficient emotional support is not left out as a problem facing the family. Families are, especially for children, the most important source of emotional support. During the middle years, children, for instance, believe that their emotional support should come from their family. A situation where it is not available, they then start seeking for it outside the family, which as a result, puts them in danger. Note children do not perform or develop well without their family support.

    Lack of individual differences: Families function best when the individuality of each family member is acknowledged and appreciated. Personal traits and characteristics are to be highly valued. Each family member needs to tolerate and respect individual traits, and lack of this can lead to a serious problem in the family.

    When family members withhold love from one another because of family differences, children as members of the family are most likely to have difficult time developing a healthy self-image and they will have low self-esteem and limited poor social skills.

    Complete reliability on others: Children need to succeed in order to feel capable of successfully managing life’s stress and challenges. If they are taught or encouraged to depend on others (within the family or outside it) to solve their problems will be a difficult issue. It also limits their ability to challenge themselves. Low self- esteem is one common factor that is attached to over-dependency on others. As a matter of fact, this is one common problem the family suffers

    Habitual crises: Families who have some of the above characteristics are likely to have trouble coping with life’s inevitable crises. In these families, even relatively simple problems are not resolved, but take on the appearance and feel of major dilemmas. Thus by their lack of successful coping skills, these families create additional difficulties for themselves and go from crisis to crisis, with little relief and little pleasure from life or from one another.

    Although we all strive for perfection, there is no perfect family. Each family has its own strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, challenges and problems. If your family seems overwhelmed with problems or if there is breakdown in relationships within your family, it is probably time for professional aid.

    As parents or guardians, your task is to meet the multiple demands of the family with energy and creativity. By so doing, you will enable your children to grow and develop in a positive, healthy way in order to experience self-fulfilment.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    The period of courtship is very important and paramount in every relationship because it is the period of knowing each other, the period of knowing the character and attitude that each partner possesses.

    This is also the time of knowing each other’s background, family members and also the time for each partner to prepare for greater responsibilities.

    According to an online source, Courtship is the period in a relationship which precedes engagement and marriage or the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During this time, there are likely to be many challenges because it is a time of understanding each other. Most often, partners detect the weakness(s) of one another during this period. It is also a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship before getting married. Each intending partner gets to know how to manage or tolerate the temperaments of the spouse, since up-bring and exposure, education and mindsets are not the same from person to person.

    On the other hand, Marriage, according to an online free dictionary, is a legally and formally recognized union of a man and a woman. Similarly, it is a process by which two adults make their relationships public with consents of parents or other witnesses. In some cases, Courtship leads to marriage. However, there is a clear distinction between marriage and wedding.

    The utmost aim of every partner is to end up in marriage with man or woman of their choice, but sometimes fail to understudy what marriage entails.

    Interestingly, most young person in contemporary days, look forward to that day of wedding but do not know about the challenges of marriage. Suffice to note here that being mature is more important in handling all these responsibilities either in “marriage or courtship”.

    As for Courtship, it allows intending spouses to practice­, in a limited way, the roles and the virtues needed in marriage, while marriage permits them to practice the roles and virtues necessary in living together for life.

    In proper courtship, it is necessary for the partners must recognize their first righteous desires and ambitions.

    In conclusion, by the most courtship metamorphose into marriage most of the physical growth of each partner would have already occurred. More importantly, the level of friendship that the couples have shown during courtship, goes a long way in determining how smooth the marriage ride will be, beginning from their wedding night.

    Then, every intending spouse should bear in mind that the main purpose of courtship is to avoid troubles in marriage and to know each partner’s behaviors, attitudes, mannerism, temperament and interests better before getting married. To the singles in courtship, please note that marriage is not the place to start your studies, rather courtship. And to the married, do have blissful years together for life.

  • Why you should forgive and forget (2)

    WE will be looking at more useful counsel on why it is necessary to forgive and forget. Sometimes we find it difficult to let go despite the fact that we claim to have forgiven our offenders. Like some people will say, I can forgive, but I cannot forget.

    Genuine forgiveness and giving-up resentment go hand in hand. Real forgiveness requires three things: understanding the other’s experiences and feelings, being compassionate to others and accepting others as they are.

    To forget what was said or the action that was carried out, or pretend that it never happened is not true because the word or action indeed took place, so for you to let go which is regarded forgetting, the following steps should be put into consideration.

    Talk about how the word or action has affected you. It could be your friend,  family member or worker, and find out what made him or her say or do what hurt you. Make your message clear, and pour out your emotion freely.

    Avoid violence because it is not the best way of resolving issues. Don’t be in denial and tell the person your pain, bitterness, and resentment. On the other hand, if writing the issue down will make you feel better, why not do so.

    The main issue here is that you need to let it out from your mind, so that you can get rid of the whole issue faster and move on. Because the sooner you forgive and let go, the better for you as a person. As a matter of fact, forgiveness is really an act of will, making up your mind to forgive the offender, even before you are asked for forgiveness.

    This can only take place when you put certain steps into consideration, which are as follows: First is to acknowledge that others have also forgiven your offences as well. Once you realize this, forgiving your offender might come easier.

    The next step is to release the person from your mind. It might be emotional which involves mental bundling up all hostile feelings and throwing them behind you. This can be achieved in two ways either by meeting face to face or by using a substitute possibly sharing the issue with someone who will help you put things right with your offender.

    Acceptance must not be excluded, accepting others as they are and releasing them from any responsibility to meet your needs should also be considered.  Learn not to expect more from people, so that you will not be disappointed by their actions.

    Certain people can make or destroy your day, depending on the level of attention you give to their actions or utterances. However, when you decide as an act of will to forgive, you absolve your offender of any responsibility to meet your expectations. In addition, you must see the person as a tool in your life to assist your growth. Experience, they say, is the best teacher. It also helps you understand and appreciate boundaries.

    The last thing that must be considered is the aspect of reconciliation, regardless of how you go about it. Restoration after forgiveness is vital and you must ask God to restore the lost good relationship you once shared with this person.

    Furthermore, several things will occur once the forgiveness process is completed. The first effect is that all the negative feelings about your offender will disappear completely and you start seeing the person in a different form. Henceforth, you find it simple to accept your offender without feeling the need to change him, being willing to understand people for who they are and be able to tolerate their strengths and weaknesses.

    Finally, your concern should be more about the person, not his or her action. So, no matter the pain, whatever the situation, you must learn to get involved with the process of forgiving others and find out what it means to let go and be free.  Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • ‘My purpose for being in politics’

    ‘My purpose for being in politics’

    Alhaji Abdulganiyu Kola Egunjobi is the Secretary, All Progressive Congress (APC) in Agege Local Government Area of Lagos State. The politician in this interview, Egunjobi talked about his ambition to become a local government chairman among other sundry issues…

     

    Excerpts

    As a grassroots politician and a graduate of School of Hard Knocks (laughter) and that of Lagos State University, LASU, where I read Sociology. I equally have a diploma certificate in Purchasing & Supply Management from University of Lagos. I attended Iloro Grammar School and State Primary School, now Ife-Oluwa, both in Agege. You may wonder, which school is the School of Hard Knocks, well it is just an idiomatic expression suggesting that I have gained a lot of experience and valuable knowledge in life. I grew up at Isale-Oja, an environment that is filled with tension and violence in Agege area and where people across West African countries, Ghanaians, Nigeriens, Togolese etc live. Yet in the midst of violence and diversity, there is love and harmony. I speak English, Yoruba and Hausa fluently. Also, I don’t believe in working for people but working with them because that way am more efficient. I was once Business Development Manager at Emporium Communications, a medium sized media relations firm and currently a Social Media Manager consultant with Secom Nigeria Ltd among others.

     

    The progressive party as your party, APC prides itself lost some seats to PDP and the opposition in Lagos State House of Assembly and House of Representatives in the last general election for the first time in the 16 year history of democracy, is that not an indication that the party is losing ground in the state?

    In life you win some and you lose some. It also goes to show that in Lagos State and in APC, election is never do-or-die affair like it happens in PDP controlled states. It was an unfortunate incident that will never repeat itself because the outcomes of the election in those places where we lost didn’t reflect our popularity in every nook and cranny of Lagos State. APC is too formidable a party to lose election in Lagos State even across Southwest with our able leader in the person of Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu.

     

    There is fear in some quarters that due to the current bad economic situation, APC may lose election in the future?

    Personally I don’t share such view or fear. We all know this is a mono economy highly dependent on inflows from the sale of crude oil within a global economy in decline. Oil prices have fallen to their lowest level since 2003, at a time sinking below $28 a barrel. And this was because of a slowdown in economic growth in China and Europe among others. The effects of falling prices are being felt by economies around the world, particularly oil producing nations that rely on exports. There is crisis from Azerbaijan to Venezuela. Recently in Azerbaijan there was protest across the nation. The federal government is doing its best by diversifying, but the result will not be immediate.

     

    What is your view about godfatherism and imposition in party politics?

    Each time I listen to people’s opinion on the issue of imposition and godfatherism, I often laugh because it is quite a complex topic. It is not a straightforward issue as people tend to suggest in most of their discussions. Most times, they condemned it in its entirety, and failed to appreciate it, particularly when they are not the godsons or goddaughters. But the fact still remains that godfatherism has its origin in monolithic religion. It also depends on how you perceived godfathers because to me you can both be loyal to the people, that is the state, and your godfather, since what a reasonable godfather wants is the common good. Even where we patterned our democracy, after, the United States, there is godfatherism. As a student of history, I read that JF Kennedy as American president appointed his younger brother, a fresh law graduate, Robert Kennedy, the Attorney General of the United States. So what would you call that?

     

    Why did you venture into partisan politics and why do want to become the chairman of Agege Local Government?

    Politics is in my DNA. I joined partisan politics way back in secondary school and have been in the progressive party. I was the Assistant financial secretary of the defunct Social Democratic Party, SDP, in ‘Ward B1’ Gbogunleri/Isale zone, member of defunct UNCP, AD, ACN and currently APC, party secretary, Agege Local Government. My late elder brother, Sharafadeen Egunjobi of blessed memory, was once a councilor in Agege. Am of the conviction that I have all it takes to make Agege a better place, a commercial and social hub.

     

    You look stylish, what informed this?

    To me looking good is an everyday business. I don’t joke with the way I look. Appearance is the basis people formed their first impression of someone and I want them to have a great first impression of me. I believe that you can judge a book by its cover. While I was in secondary school, I and my late elder brother had a fashion school by the name, La frique Home of Embroidery.

  • Why you should forgive and forget?

    Dear Harriet, I am hurting badly. I just can’t forgive him for what he did. It is so hard for me to let go. Please, help me.

    Amaka, Lagos.

    Thanks for sharing your situation; it is not that easy to open up when it comes to emotional issues, so I must commend you for your text message because some people in your situation will try dealing with it on their own, instead of seeking help.

    From every indication, it must have been a very painful experience, although details of the offence are not given here. Holding on to grudge and revenge works like a deadly poison that can destroy the general well- being and mind of a person.

    Not been able to face anger and confront bitterness issues (whether from a loved one, colleague, relative and so on), people allow  unforgiving behaviour to cause much distress for them. However, it might sound impossible or irrational, let’s face it, forgiveness is the most difficult issue to tackle in one’s heart. The reason is simply because the afflicted person believes that he or she has every cause to loathe his or her offender.

    Forgetting that by refusing to forgive and let go, you might feel you are fine by it without knowing that the experience is only a temporary feeling of peace, a momentary taste of satisfaction and contentment for a while to prove your supposed strength and ability to forge on with life, leaving the offender behind.

    As a matter of fact, forgiveness is a choice, conscious decision. Note it is a personal decision to let go off the pain, bitterness that the action has caused. Forgiveness makes you feel relief; it’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off your heart.

    Don’t forget when you bear grudges, you are actually the person that is putting his/her health in danger, therefore, when you forgive, you are helping yourself; it makes way for kindness and compassion.  It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility. It also helps to reduce the intake of alcohol and abusive substances to ease off the painful situation.

    Forgiving the person does not make the offence right or that you accept the wrong action, instead it is a way of peace with yourself and the person.

    The choice a person makes can affect the rest of his or her life. There are so many people who have been burdened with an unforgiving heart, a heart that feels the same way you feel at the moment because of the magnitude of the offence this will  affect other aspects of their lives because they did not deal with the issue properly.

    In addition, some people view forgiveness as an agreement or settlement, forgetting that genuine forgiveness is not a truce but a pardon. Aforementioned, the person is not agreeing rather he or she is releasing; forgiveness benefits the offended person more than the offender.

    That is to say once forgiveness is offered, it means the problem is totally handed over to God Almighty and the person offering forgiveness is released to freedom. You might feel, why are we sounding religious, yes we are of different beliefs or religions, but one thing is certain God created us and put us in the world we live in, having to deal with people with different character. It is only wise for us to live, according to the way He instructed us, knowing that forgiveness is a major aspect we are asked to practise.

    Moreover, another important fact to understand is that forgiveness releases a person from the role of being a victim. There is no way to hold an offender hostage in your mind because the only one being held captive is the one who is unwilling to offer forgiveness. He or she is kept there by his or her emotions.

    Furthermore, the common perception about forgiveness is that some people feel that a person must go to them personally and declare their forgiveness.

    Pronouncing our forgiveness to someone who has not first solicited it sometimes causes more problems than it solves. Therefore, forgiveness is a much more involved issue than just putting time between us and the event. It is actually a process that involves understanding our own forgiveness and how it applies to those people who have caused us pain.

    To be continued.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • How to cope with sudden change of attitude in relationship

    Good day ma, I am a big fan of yours. I sincerely appreciate your useful counsel. Please, I need your advice.

    I am emotionally down. My girlfriend for some years has now changed. I really don’t understand her attitude any more.

    Ever since she relocated to a different state for work, she is not the same person.

    Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

     

    Thanks for your text message; I must commend you for sharing your story. As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security.

    These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt. It is natural, but the ability to evaluate your situation and be truthful to yourself is very important.

    Based on your message, it is difficult to know why your girlfriend has changed because I have so few details about the relationship, but here are some useful tips that might be of help to you in a time like this.

    Try not to jump to conclusions about issues. People behave in different ways for different reasons, so it will be a good idea to have a conversation with her first.

    Find out from her why the sudden change of attitude and in the process, tell her all your observations and how the change is affecting you.

    Learn to keep an open mind. More so, listen attentively, removing every assumption. In situation like this, it is very important to talk with the person involved directly. The reason is that it will help you understand the reason behind the action.

    Remember, you are no mind reader, so the only way for you to know the intension of a person is actually by talking with the person. However, if you have difficulty communicating, then seek a professional counselling together before you propose to her. It is easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends.

    During talking therapy, the trained counsellor will listen to you and help you find your own answers to problems, without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry, shout, or think. It is an opportunity to look at your problems in a different way with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and the decision you make.

    This would help you to gain some clarity and give you an idea of where the relationship is, your feelings about it, then the things you could do yourself to make some changes. You can only work on changing yourself not another person. Many couples undergo premarital counselling. You need to be certain that getting married is the right choice for the right reason with the right person.

    In addition, it is important that couples correct all problems in the relationship before they get married. Marriage will not automatically fix the problems in a relationship. The same problem that exists before marriage will exist after marriage if not handle properly.

    It is a very wise idea and I would highly recommend it in this situation, but if she refuses to go with you, then she wouldn’t benefit from therapy. A person needs first to admit that there’s something wrong and be willing to work on it, for therapy to stand a chance.

    Next is self-evaluation. On your part, it is necessary you check yourself because sometimes we just don’t realize how our words or actions are perceived. Note, often times, the people around us, including our loved ones won’t even tell us. In some cases, they don’t know how to articulate it, and other times, they give us passive, aggressive or silent treatment just to make us uncomfortable and to punish us for being insensitive.

    Furthermore, acceptance in matters that affect the heart is vital. Whatever explanation she gives should be accepted. It might not be what you want to hear. If she tells you in the process of conversation or you trying to make things work that she doesn’t feel the same way, listen, respect her decision and move on.

    It might not be easy. You will be emotionally traumatize, but you will definitely heal naturally,  because it is better for you to have a broken heart that can be amended with time than for you to have a broken marriage since you intend proposing to her soon. It takes two people who are in love to have a successful marriage defeating every odd together. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • How to handle an unfriendly partner

    Dear Harriet, I am 33 years old with a job and in a relationship. Please, I need your help on how to handle a boyfriend that is not affectionate? Thanks.

    Tessy O.,

    Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message. Your question is one major challenge that a good number of people in relationships are experiencing.  It is something that from the very time we are born, we seek from others.

    As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security. These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt.

    However, the truth of life is as we get older, some people are very comfortable with giving and receiving affection, while for others, affection poses as a great challenge. They feel uncomfortable because they don’t know how to show or receive affection.

    Bear in mind, you can only give what you have, so in relationships, affection is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not meeting your affection needs, it can create great strain on your relationship which might affect other aspects.

    Affection is not centered on sex as some people term it to be. It is more of care, friendship, kindness, regards, love, good will and so on. I need to make this clear because the way and manner people regard affection this day, especially the youth call for concern.

    Moving on, in a situation like this, the reason for the action must not be neglected so the question that comes to mind is “why”. What is the cause of lack of affection? For some people, it might be as a result of the followings; upbringing, for example, may be, he was raised in a home where his father or mother was not affectionate and he never learned how to show or receive affection, like I mentioned earlier you don’t give what you don’t have. You can only give what you have.

    Next, he or she may be insecure about himself or herself or could be that your friend is self-centred and actually believes that showing affection serves no purpose. Some men take expressing their feelings to their partners for granted. They go with the attitude of she knows, forgetting that every woman appreciates affection.

    On the other hand, maybe he is one of those men who simply believe that expressing affection is a sign of weakness. The solution to the issue is to have a discussion with your partner, pour your heart to him and make him understand how the situation is affecting you.

    Don’t pretend to be happy when you are not. Note, people are different so the way we receive information differs. For some, they will be able to open up easily while some might find it very difficult, depending on the personality type. In such situation, you might need to take it easy on the person and help him or her.

    In the process of your discussion, if you observe that it is more than what you bargain for, may be you suggest a talk to a professional about it to him or her so that help can be rendered.  Show concern and don’t forget to mention his or her great qualities. This will help a lot.

    More so, there are certain things you must avoid when dealing with the issue of not showing affection in relationships; don’t compare his affection behaviour to other men or women in your life. This will definitely get the person angry. Don’t make your partner feel inadequate- you need to show compassion.

    Do not try to belittle him or her. Avoid threatening your partner on the issue because threats will never work. Remember, affection comes from the heart. Don’t hold back mentioning the problem and how it bothers you, if you need more affection.

    Let him know and be specific, never keep this bottled up inside. Also don’t let him minimize the seriousness of the problem. Some people have the tendency to joke around such issue.  So don’t let your girlfriend or boyfriend try to make this like it doesn’t matter or say that you are being ridiculous.

    Finally, men, for instance, will say, ‘I do a lot for you; don’t you know how I feel?’ Why do I have to say it? This is a fair point, but the fact is she needs to hear how much you care, love and appreciate her. And for the ladies, if you are the one who finds it difficult to be affectionate, you need to understand that your partner needs to be cared for, loved and regarded.

    Explain to your partner in a caring and compassionate manner with a concerned tone why being affectionate matters to you. Hopefully he will understand where you are coming from and will be happy to discuss the issue or accept the idea to seek help to make the relationship better.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt messages only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng,