Category: Weekend Treat

  • How to avoid mistakes in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I want to go into a relationship after a long break. Please, counsel me on the mistakes to avoid in relationship. Thanks.

    Mr. David,  Akwa.

     

    Making up your mind to date again after a long break simply shows that you have actually overcome your past situation and that you are now prepared to open a new chapter.

    It is always good to be ready before going into a relationship because it helps you to avoid repeated occurrences of your previous experience. Relationships have their ups and downs just like every other aspect of life. Don’t forget that it has to do with humans and by nature we are not perfect even with our strength.

    Everybody has its challenges, but the ability to understand this fully puts us in a better position to learn to be tolerant and not neglecting the golden rule which is “do unto others what you want them to do to you”.

    Great relationships don’t happen overnight. Just like your daily chores, they need time, effort and dedication. Therefore, relationship is an investment like a bank account. What you put is what you get. Before I proceed, permit me to state that the counsel is not for children and teenagers.

    This clarification is important because I have young readers. For my young ones, there is time for everything. Concentrate on your goals and visions. Avoid every distraction because the sky is not just your limit, rather it is your starting point.

    Moving on, as you work towards building a successful relationship, it is very important to note that there are some common mistakes that should be avoided. Hopefully, this might be of great benefit for you who have been off relationship for a long time and for those who are of age and feel that it is time for them to start a relationship.

    Firstly, as you are on a first date with your friend, try to be yourself. Avoid putting up appearance to suit the person. Since it’s your first time of having a conversion with the person, don’t volunteer too much information upfront because when you share too much at the beginning, it’s as if you are verbally pouring out too much words on the person and most times it puts people off. Instead, make your first date short and causal.

    Most people make the most ridiculous mistake on their first outing. They get really intense, so as a result, they start asking deep questions and staying up late trying to know everything in one day. Allow things to progress gradually. Give yourself a curfew, if the date is in the evening. It shows a sense of responsibility and respect.

    Most times, people bring their pervious baggage to their present relationships, and this affects the way and manner they handle their relationships. Whatever you might have gone through is in the past now. Leave it in the past, learn from it and move on. Beside, this person is different with his or her unique qualities. Avoid comparing notes and assumptions, rather give the person the opportunity to prove him or herself. Keep an open mind.

    Next is personal space. No matter how excited and in love you are, it is very important for everyone to have their space.  Accepted that at the beginning of a relationship, all you want is to spend most of your time with the person, countless visits, constant text messages and endless phone calls and so on.  Enjoying each other’s company is not a bad idea, but with caution because as the relationship advances someone will start feeling choked by the whole scene and might need his or her space to be left alone to do things on their own. Most people, no matter what, just love their space sometimes. Understanding this factor will be of great help in sustaining relationships.

    Another point is that you must get a life. For some people, once they are involved in a relationship, they put their lives on hold. They have become so consumed with finding someone to meet their needs and give them a sense of significance. As a result, they have lost their identity. Things that matter to them become irrelevant as long as it is not in line with their partners’ or friends’ wish all in the name of being in a relationship.

    While you are going into a relationship or you are in a relationship, get grounded. It is the foundation for getting a life. It is all about having a solid identity and sense of self. Know who you are, appreciate the fact that you are complete and whole. What makes relationships thrive is when both parties have a life. When you have a life of your own, you are attractive to others.

    In addition, avoid unnecessary jealousy, the feeling of wanting to know the happenings in your partner’s life. Checking his or her phone or getting worked up over every move (insecurity) can put off someone.  Take the relationship one day at a time and allow it to grow naturally.  Don’t force it.

    To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Moving on after painful experience

    HELLO Ma, I was dating a young man who is six years older than me. He approached me for marriage at the beginning. Along the line, I became pregnant.

    He asked me to remove it, but I refused. He started quarrelling with me as a result of my refusal. The man did not take care of me during my pregnancy.

    Our child is one year old now and everything is still the same. My problem now is  how to move on. Though I know that I might not be able to love again, I find it difficult to forget him. I need your advice.

    Name withheld,

    Aba.

     

    Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be open in such a situation. I must commend you. To be in a relationship is one thing, but to have a clear knowledge of the purpose for the relationship is an important aspect that must be defined from the start.

    A clear definition of the relationship is very necessary because it gives you a better understanding of what your partner wants and what you expect bearing in mind that different people go into relationships for different reasons.

    In your situation, there is really no point for self-blame or regret because at the time of your action, you did what you felt was the right thing. After all, he was to be your prospective husband, according to your story.

    So, if he was actually coming for marriage like he claimed, why then was he so keen on you terminating the pregnancy. His motive might be totally different from what he appeared to be, or that he was not ready to take the responsibility.

    No doubt, letting go can be tough due to the emotions that comes with it, for instance, mood swings, anger, bitterness, disappointments, fears, worries, low self-esteem, self-pity, blame, regrets and so on. If your situation is not addressed, it can affect your wellbeing.

    Listen! The way forward is to try and put the past behind you as painful as it is, so that you can be in a proper position to embrace what the future has in store for you.

    Thank God , you kept the pregnancy. Today, you have the most precious gift from God and for this fact, He will provide for you and your child. However, here is more useful counsel to help you move on: Your state of mind must not be neglected. With passing time, some wounds heal, while others get worse. This is true also of broken relationships.

    One has to take an active interest and positive steps to heal such pain. It may not always be easy to forgive and forget such a person who disappointed and abandoned you at a time you needed him most, but it is even harder to live with an unforgiving heart.

    To refuse to forgive is to refuse oneself peace and joy. Therefore, for healing to take place, there must be forgiveness after grieving the lost relationship. Next step is to be empowered; you need to start working in order to have the resources to take care of yourself and your child since he is not ready to take up the responsibility.

    Being a single parent is not easy, but with hard work and a focused mind, you will be able to pull through. In addition, learn to love yourself; only when you start appreciating yourself will you be free from insecurity and fear.

    Besides, you have a child who needs all your attention and care, so always tell yourself that you are special with outstanding qualities destined for great things. Don’t let the situation weigh you down or make you feel less important. It is only a phase that will be over soon.

    You must never feel that you need someone to complete you; love yourself and avoid going into a relationship at the moment. Take time to heal and concentrate on how to improve yourself because going into another relationship immediate might be for the wrong reason or a way of you trying to fill the void that your pervious relationship created. And if care is not taken, it might lead to another heartbreak.

    If, for some reasons, you observe that you cannot deal with the situation on your own, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a counsellor for proper guidance.  At time like this, you will need all the support you can get to be able to get over it.

    Surround yourself with family members and good friends who understand your situation.  Keep busy by engaging yourself at all times; avoid being idle, so that you don’t keep thinking about the situation.

    Find activities that make you happy; don’t allow one nasty experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. Instead, learn from it and move on. Life is full of challenges. The way and manner you deal with them either make you or break you.

    Finally, have no fear about loving again. At the right time, you will fine true love, a person who will love and cherish you, no matter what. So never give up. Only learn to keep an open mind and remember to make your intension clear from the beginning with set boundaries. Take care of yourself.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Dealing with cheating and lies in relationships

    GOOD morning Harriet, Please, I need your advice. I am in a relationship with a guy. Before I accepted him as my boyfriend, I asked him if he was in any relationship and his answer was no.

    But as time went on, l discovered that he was going out with a certain girl who added me on Facebook and she left the explanation that she decided to include me as her friend when she saw my picture on her fiancé page.

    I was surprised at her statement. I immediately confronted my boyfriend. He admitted that they were dating, but the relationship was not working out. He then pleaded with me to give him time to break up with her.

    I feel angry, jealous and upset. I want to call it off because I really cannot allow my heart to be broken.

    Please, what should I do?

    Thanks

    Ewere, Delta State.

     

    We must commend your courage; it is really not easy to share your experience. I hope that people experiencing the same situation will draw strength from it. Thanks a lot.

    To be in a relationship at the right time with the right person is an amazing feeling that words most times cannot express. Therefore, when the reverse is the case, it can be frustrating, especially when it has to do with cheating and lies.

    Trust and honesty are the crucial foundation upon which all other qualities in a relationship are built. You took the right step by confronting the issue the minute you observed that he was in a relationship with another girl just as if you knew when you asked him the question at the beginning of the relationship.

    It is very good to be open with whoever you want to date; you stand to gain a lot.  Speaking out freely from the start of a relationship gives an easy understanding of the person’s likes and dislikes.

    To be lied to and cheated upon can be very devastating, so what you are feeling now is highly expected because he is your boyfriend that has treated you in such a manner, not a stranger. Of course, you feel betrayed and deceived. Your emotions will be playing up and anger will set in after a while, all these will happen naturally for healing to take place.

    At the moment, learn not to be too hard on yourself, but instead see him as a person that has issues and needs help because a man who finds it difficult to know exactly what he wants and how to go about it tells you that such a person might have challenges in decision making.

    He wants to have his cake and eat it. So the question is, can you put up with such a character and how are you sure that he is telling you the truth of the whole situation. Cheating and lies in a relationship are major signs of an unhealthy relationship and should not be taken for granted.

    If you feel that you cannot cope with your emotions, do not hesitate to seek the help of a counsellor. The way forward is to see your situation as an experience with a lesson, not a time for self-pity, blame or regret, but rather to be happy that it was revealed early enough for you to know the type of person you are in a relationship with.

    Think through your situation and ask yourself honest questions about what you want in a relationship. If you choose to stay with your boyfriend after knowing full well the dangers and problems inherent in his personality, it becomes your problem.

    In continuing such relationship, the following steps to take might be of help. Make sure that you have a conversation with him about the situation of things and its effect on your person and the relationship. Bring to his notice that he will have to work hard to gain back your trust.

    Let him know that you will always cross check whatever he says to you about the other girl in order to be sure. Make your boundaries clear and ask him to define your relationship.

    In case you decide to end it after a proper review, go ahead and follow your heart. Never start out looking for approach in which no one gets hurt. It doesn’t exist. Go into a discussion with him, knowing where you want to end up. Your boyfriend may try all sorts of promises about changing in behaviour.

    Don’t accept it if you are ready to close the chapter and move on with your life. Here are ways to help you move on: The first step is to try and channel your emotion to doing activity or improving yourself in order to think less of the situation. It helps to ease worries.

    Take your time and do not rush into a relationship immediately, so that you don’t go into it simply because you feel there is a gap that you need to fill.  Relationship takes two to make it work, so keep an open mind whenever you are in a relationship. Don’t expect too much, always define your relationship, that is, be specific about what you want and ask your partner what he or she wants from the relationship, so that from the onset, you both know what you are going into.

    Time, they say, heals wound. As the day goes by, you feel better and stronger.  Most people dwell on a situation like this it and shut down. Try to keep a free heart, so that you don’t shut love out because of your bitter encounter. Trust me, true love will definitely find you.

    Take care of yourself and note that any relationship based on lies and deceit is not worth holding on to.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine

  • How to manage relationships during recession

    DEAR Harriet, Your column is very practical and real to life. Thanks for the good work. I am married with children.

    The situation of things at the moment in my home is not well due to the economic situation in the country. This is affecting our relationships. Please, I need your counsel on what to do.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Uyo.

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation. There is no better time to give counsel on the effects of recession on families and ways for families to cope at this crucial period.  You are not alone. The situation of things in the country is not limited to a particular sect, or family. Every home, rich or poor, is affected.

    The high rate at which bread winners are losing their jobs is alarming. As a result, families are faced with a lot of challenges. The high level of pressure everywhere is affecting the general wellbeing of individuals.

    For instance, a man who lost his job is likely to be stressed out with worries, not knowing where and how he is going to cater for his family, even the one with a job is not certain about his tomorrow. Such a person at home may start exhibiting  attitude that is never shown and in most cases they vent their frustration or anger on their spouses and children, which ideally is not proper.

    If this situation is not managed very well, it might lead to  increase in alcohol intake, drugs, verbal or physical abuse, mood swing, depression, sleepless nights, fears, anxiety, high blood pressure, mental health and suicide attempts.

    Suicide attempt is one aspect that is getting ground in our society today because a lot of people are not turning to the right channel in dealing with challenges, actually visiting a counsellor or a therapist when faced with challenges to pour out your heart (an outlet) is yet an aspect that is not really embraced by a good number of people.

    The thought of committing suicide is considered an abomination, but today we hear and read of people taking their lives and the question is why? God, our creator, is the owner of life. Therefore, nobody has the right to take his or her life.

    One thing we must understand is that whenever God plants a challenge in one’s life, He gives us the right tools to use in order to overcome the challenge. Remember, as humans on earth, there will always be one problem or  another, but only with the right attitude and patience, victory is sure.

    However, in a time like this, understanding problems that can hinder or prevent people from achieving effective personal functioning is very important. When people visit counsellors most times, they are aware of a number of problems that are causing them difficulty. These are described as presenting problems, but due to the complexity of human nature, frequently there are more problems, deeper issues that make a person’s life a bit complicated.

    So situation like recession strain might actually trigger violence or abuse. Some people are very aggressive these days.

    In addition, the way men and women deal with crisis are different. Men regard job loss or no income as a major effect on their identity. This takes a great toll on their personality, while the attitude of women is totally different. They seek alternative immediately.

    The family relationships suffer a great blow once situations are not manged properly. Parents or guardians who are worried about their financial stability often don’t have the patience to reason with children or respond to misbehaviour appropriately.

    The feeling of frustration can lead to unnecessary nagging, absent-mindedness, harshness to loved ones, making a person unapproachable for discussion. Every responsible man wants to provide for his family no matter the circumstance. So the feeling of not been able to take up his responsibility effectively can stir up inconsistent behaviour.

    Recession is a phase that will not last forever, but the effect on family relationships afterward is of great concern that must not be neglected. More tips that might be of help to the family in a time like this are: Families must learn to cut down on their expenses and make necessary changes in certain aspects. Work with affordable budgets.

    Give adequate information to members of your family about the real situation of things. Call for a family meeting and explain to all the clear situation of things and changes that will be taking place so that there will be a clear understanding.

    Search for alternative sources to generate income no matter how little. Learn not to worry about what you cannot change. Instead, try to manage the situation. Avoid stress for a sound mind and body.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Dealing with feeling of inferiority

    DEAR Madam Harriet, I am a 16-year-old student. I have this feeling that I don’t have talents like my mates, and this is affecting me a lot. Please, help me.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    I must commend you for sharing your situation with us. Thanks a lot. Most teenagers have similar experiences. Some feel not loved, some don’t see themselves attractive, some regard themselves as not intelligent or rather not good enough, so what you are feeling is highly expected and it is normal.

    The way forward is having a clear understanding for the reasons why you are feeling like that and the necessary steps to take so that it doesn’t affect you in future.

    Here are a few useful tips that might be of help in dealing with your situation. There are three major issues that teenagers feel that they must have in order to feel good about themselves and for their peers to accept them.

    First is physical attractiveness: A large number of teenagers, if sincere, would tell you that their greatest source of dissatisfaction is about their looks. Their major concern is to look in a certain way, so some will try everything just to get that good look, forgetting that what they are experiencing is natural and that it will fade with time.

    To some, they feel unattractive with the belief that the opposite sex doesn’t like them. These feelings are made worse when they are being teased by friends and family members.

    The second aspect that teenagers don’t like about themselves is the feeling of not being smart or intelligent enough. In a situation where a teenager is facing difficulty in a certain subject in school and all he or she gets from the teachers, parents and classmates are discouraging words , instead of encouragement.

    These can cause the teenager to lose interest in school or certain subjects. It might destroy his or her self-esteem. Therefore, most of the blame for these feelings can be put on teachers who are professionals and should know better on how sensitive issues like this can affect a teenager. Parents who lack to give their moral support are equally not left out as well.

    Third, teenagers use money and background to measure their worth. Most of them think that a rich family is more important and better, so to be accepted and popular, they have to dress in a certain way with expensive stuff. For example, they feel that they have to wear the right shoes or clothes, have parents who own  certain cars and so on.

    The pressure in the society today is not even making it any easy. Every youngster wants to make it big, forgetting there is no short cut to success, so the way forward in dealing with your situation is to recognize that a lot of teenagers are going through the same challenge that you are experiencing.

    You are really not alone. Observe and you will notice that others are shy, quiet, angry, stuck-up, proud, signs of feeling inferior. In addition, learn to face up to your problems; one major thing you must bear in mind is that none of us is perfect, every one lacks one thing or the other.

    Admit your weakness and appreciate your strength. Everyone is created special by God with a precious gift to be successful with the right attitude. As a matter of fact, embrace your look, try to change that behaviour you feel is not good that you are involved in and learn to accept things that you cannot change, for example, the shapes of your nose or ears.

    Moreover, pay more attention on the positive qualities you pose, engage in developing yourself. Self-improvement is very important for the growth of an individual, so instead of feeling bad or pity about yourself, read motivational books, take up sports , offer volunteering service in an establishment that interests you at your spare time. Not only will you be occupied, but also gain experience.

    Next, be mindful of the people you call your friends, keep good friends who like you for who you are and not what they want you to be. The best way to have a friend is to be a good friend to others. Remember you are unique in this world. God loves you as the unique person that you are. In all the earth, there is nobody like you, so you are special. Nobody has your smile, your voice, your character. Beside money is not all.

    Self-appreciation, contentment and the zeal to strive for great height bearing in mind that there is time for everything on earth is a better approach to dealing with life issues.

    Parents or guardians with teenagers on the other hand should learn to be close to their teens, be their best friends no matter what. Let them be free to approach you with their problems and guide them, so that they will go the right path because teenagers are faced with a lot of peer pressure.

    Encourage your teenagers when they are faced with any form of setback, avoid talking down on them. Reward them when they do something good. That way, you are helping them see that they have potential. It builds their self-esteem. Show them love, so that they don’t go seeking it elsewhere and listen to them because most times, parents or guardians talk without actually listening to their teenagers.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • TFL: Young people say no to child marriage

    TFL: Young people say no to child marriage

    Young people from public secondary schools across Lagos State will showcase the realities of child marriage in Nigeria using songs, poetry and drama to advocate for the elimination of Child marriage in the country on November 12th, 2016 at the 23rd Annual Teenage Festival of Life (TFL).

    TFL was initiated by Action Health Incorporated (AHI) in 1993 with the aim of bridging communication gap between young people and adults and also to serve as an enabling forum where young people and relevant stakeholders meet to both identify the plights faced by them. This year, the event is focused on creating awareness on the issue of child marriage, its prevalence in Nigeria, impact – effects on the child bride, community and national development.

    Child marriage is recognized internationally as a violation of the human rights of girls and despite laws against it, the practice still remains widespread. In Nigeria, 43% of girls are married before their 18th birthday and 17% are married before they turn 15. The prevalence of child marriage varies widely from one region to another, with figures as high as 76% in the North West region and 10% in the South East.

    These child brides are burdened with responsibilities as wives and mothers with little support, resources, or life experience to meet these challenges. Furthermore, girls’ rights, health and development are undermined by the impact of early marriage, including pregnancy and early childbearing which impacts on their mortality and morbidity. There are also outcomes of early termination of their schooling which limits human capital and their future productivity which of course affects the lives of their children and families.

    This year theme “Ending Child Marriage”; is one of the priority areas under “Ending Gender Inequality” Goal 5 of the 17 Global Goals for Sustainable Development. Ending Child Marriage not only achieves gender equality but translates to the fulfilment of other priority areas such as Ending Poverty, Achieving Education for All, and other goals. This, therefore, calls for urgent steps to eradicate the practice in Nigeria through policies and innovative ideas that must be implemented.

    This event will have in attendance as the special guest government officials from Lagos State Ministry of Women Affairs and Poverty Alleviation, Ministry of Education, Ministry of Health, UNFPA, the Tutor General/Permanent secretaries of all the Education districts in Lagos state, teachers and students of secondary schools in Lagos as well as the Executive Director of Action Health Incorporated Mrs. Adenike Esiet. Also in attendance as the celebrity artist of the day is Aramide, winner of best female artist Afrima 2016.

  • Govs, private sector will make ‘Made-in-Nigeria’ successful – Accenture

    Govs, private sector will make ‘Made-in-Nigeria’ successful – Accenture

    The Managing Director, Accenture Nigeria, Mr. Niyi Yusuf, in an interview at the recently concluded NESG, spoke on how Nigeria can achieve self-sufficiency and promote the Made-in-Nigeria initiative.

     

    Do you think what NESG pulled out from this gathering will contribute in repositioning the country towards the path of sustainable economic growth and development?

    We must know that the choice of the theme of the summit ‘Made-in-Nigeria’ is deliberate bearing in mind the crisis the country is going through today which is largely caused by high import volume, Nigeria is almost importing everything either as direct input or secondary inputs without substantive export strength. And so, my own thinking is the NESG is doing this for a number of reasons.

    One, is to communicate to all of us the urgency of the situation and why it is important that we take a critical and almost immediate action or actions; considering that we don’t have the latitude of time to say that we will do this next year or the next two years.

    This is because we cannot predict when the price of crude oil will go up.  Most people say the price of crude oil will not go back to one hundred dollar anytime soon. This means, we need to wake up and begin to take proactive actions, acknowledging that there is need to evolve a sustainable long run solution to this problem.

    So I think that NESG is propelled by the crucial need for us to reduce the level of imports and improve our local production particularly in the non-oil sector, the real sectors, such that it takes over from oil as our foreign exchange earner, increase our export volume, solve our balance of payment problem and promote Nigeria to the place of self-sustainability.

    One key thing therefore is that we come out of our dependence on imports and as we can see the president’s speech during the summit alluded to the fact that he also understands that ‘Made-in-Nigeria’ drive is very important.

    The second thing I believe the summit will help us achieve is about setting priorities. We need to achieve certain targets in every sector but we have limited resources in terms of time, men and material, so we need to prioritize our efforts, so the NESG provided opportunity for various stakeholders to agree on what the immediate priorities are across sectors, so that we know that those priorities are where we should focus our energy, resources and investments; such that when we achieve one target, we can then move on then move on to the next set of priorities.

    The third thing is communication; letting people be aware of what the challenges are, what the potential solutions are and in which area/areas and more importantly what each person needs to do as well as to understand how can each person contribute to ensuring that we achieve the ultimate goal of making this country to be self-sufficient in certain things since we know that we will always continue to import. At least we have achieved self-sufficiency with cement; we also need to achieve it with the petroleum sector. As we know, Nigeria is the only member of OPEC that still imports refined crude.

    So if all we do is achieving self-sufficiency in some of these critical areas and then push our government to provide the enabling environment and infrastructure to ensure that these things work; be it electricity, good road networks and intermodal transportation, then we can say that the NESG summit 2016 is a very successful one.

     

    We can see from the political side that the president has the political will but are the policies coherent enough to drive the needed change?

    As you just stated, the political is now available but I think the policy environment has to be reviewed, updated and fine-tuned to reflect the ever changing dynamics. For instance there are issues about multiple of regulators with overlapping functions. What we find is that we have so many regulators. So you ask yourself; we have those regulating the doing of things but we do not have those promoting the doing of things.

    NAFDAC for example will tell you that its role is to regulating the manufacturing of drugs and food etc.; you equally have Standards Organization of Nigeria whose role is regulate and ensure that production conforms to certain standards, but which agency is promoting the doing of things? Who is that regulator that is working with the manufacturers and SMEs to ensure that they survive harsh economic situations or policies, to produce items and remain in business?

    In the course of the summit, the MD of the Nigerian breweries said that if you want to register a company you have 14 regulating institutions, if you want to place adverts you have four regulators. So it will be nice if we have four regulators that will be pushing and promoting agriculture and agribusiness, local production by providing appropriate intervention that stimulates production.

    We talk about increasing the ease of doing business and it is quite commendable that government has set up a commission on that, so we pray things will eventually improve. Look at the Nigeria Customs Service (NCS), customs have four core functions including: collection of revenue; anti-smuggling activities, border protection and trade facilitation. In other countries like in the US, customs focus primarily on trade facilitation but in Nigeria they focus primarily on revenue generation and then secondarily on border protection and lastly trade facilitation.

    These are some of the policy issues we need to review. Government set up the export expansion grant in 1999 to encourage non-oil exports but for the last three years it has been suspended because of abuse. I don’t support the abuse but you cannot throw away the baby with the bad water; you cannot because of abuse by some persons suspend an incentive programme that can deliver the country from its economic perils by increasing the level of non-oil export for the country.

     

    What is Accenture doing to help the government in area of job creation and also in driving the ‘Made-in-Nigeria’ idea?

    As part of our corporate citizenship initiative, we have what we call Skills to Succeed (S2S) which focuses on two major things; training young people to become employable and the second focus is on training business people to be able to upscale their business and begin to do well in their business through training in business planning, book keeping, packaging etc.

    Accenture also mobilises people, partners, clients and others and strive to make a measurable and sustainable difference in the economic vitality and resilience of individuals, families and communities.

    For instance, every year for the last three years, we supported Lagos Chamber of Commerce and Industry (LCCI) to mentor and train 50 SMEs every year, acting as a mentor for young SMEs.

    Accenture provides capacity building to young SMEs to allow them do their business better while helping the job seeking ones gain requisite employable skills.

     

    Nigeria is passing through hard times that could be related to commodity price shocks and exchange rate volatility; what do you think are quick-quick policy options that the government can employ to get the naira back to better values in relation to the dollar?

    I think the exchange rate issue is a problem of supply and demand. Because we do not earn enough forex supply, the supply is lower than its demand. So government needs to find means of increasing supply and also reducing the demand for foreign exchange.

    The CBN is already working on a number of initiatives such as diversification and listing of certain items that are not eligible for forex; those are all means of reducing demand for foreign exchange.

    Another means of reducing demand is by promoting the consumption of made-in-Nigeria goods and services. For instance, a US official on official trips will only fly the US airlines, if that ticket will be purchased by the US government; this reduces their import volume and strengthens the US dollar. So we need to promote patronage for our own products and services as a way of reducing demand for foreign exchange.

    As we all know, government is everywhere a big spender; in the US, there is what we call Small Business Administration (SBA) which basically function towards increasing the viability of small businesses by ensuring that 23 per cent of prime federal contracts are given to small businesses.  Nigeria can domesticate this policy as a way of encouraging operation of indigenous local industries and promoting buy Nigeria.

    Structurally, it about increasing our level of self-sufficiency in some critical sectors and in effect lower our demand for foreign exchange.

    For instance, rice when I was growing up, used to be a weekend delicacy but now rice is almost taken as a three square meal seven days of the week with this consumption heavily dependent on imported rice. If we can become self-sufficient in rice, it will reduce demand for forex and as this demand falls, prices will fall.

    Talking about increasing the supply of forex, we suppose to make the position of the CBN clear that you can bring in forex to invest in Nigeria and you will not have any problem taking it out when you want to repatriate your dividends to your home country. Also government can take low interest multilateral loans. These strategies could be seen as immediate first aid before we start talking about attracting long term foreign direct investment because as we know, FDI looks for an area of high returns and acceptable risks and so that may take a while to come.

    Another easy way of getting these funds is assets sale but we need to look at what should be sold, how it should be sold and who these assets should be sold to. These are the key issues that would ensure that we achieve desired result. But fundamentally, selling what you have to get what you want is an old principle.

    Next is by addressing the problem we have in the Niger Delta. Part of our major problem today is largely caused by fall in foreign exchange earnings accruing to the Nigerian oil sector. We are talking about fall in price in the international market which is a global issue but then we still have the problem about reduction in production due to Niger-Delta militancy. So if we address the issue about militancy such that production goes back to 2.2 billion barrels a day, we can have more forex, selling a higher quantity even at a reduced price.

  • Taking a second wife 2

    IN continuation of last week’s article regarding the question asked by a reader whose wife, for some reasons after the birth of their first child, advised her husband to take a second wife because may not be able to conceive again. Her husband is seeking advice on what to do.

    In this edition, we will try to throw more light into the woman’s problem (secondary infertility). This will give us a better understanding of the problem before taking any decision.

    Secondary infertility, as it is known, can happen to anyone. And the fact that you are going through it does not mean that you are alone. The experience can be emotionally painful and stressful for both husband and wife. And it can put strain a relationship if not managed properly.

    Therefore, the way forward is to avoid being irrational, but think through every option and educate yourself on them. You may feel that your situation is a bad one with no remedy. After all, the doctor’s report says there is no way your wife can give you more children. But, have you thought of turning to God for answers? What have you got to lose by doing that?, nothing really, but a lot to gain. Have you pulsed to ask yourself why He allowed this to happen? Listen, God does not give us things or challenges because he wants to teach us a lesson. Rather, things that happen to us are situations that we can handle when we look up to Him and trust Him to see us through, bearing in mind that God’s thought for us are of good, not evil.

    When a situation is beyond you, it is wise to turn to the maker who has the manual to all His creations. This may be a test for your family to have a testimony at the end. Some will say, why bring religion into it, but my question is who gives children? If your answer is God, what is wrong with taking your situation to Him? Moreover, if you are considering your wife’s suggestion of taking a second wife, it will be nice for you to know a few things that come with such decision.

    The coming of a second wife, no matter how you try, even if you have enough resources to take care of them, will affect your relationship with your wife, who you claimed you still love. Attention and affection, whether you like it or not, will shift to the new wife. It is only natural; despite the fact that your first wife has had you for the past 36 years.

    A second woman, of course will come with her own expectations, which you must try to meet. She deserves all the attention and care, especially since she is a new wife and because you are human. No matter how much you try, there are going to be instances where you will unconsciously be hurting your first wife without even knowing it.

    The love you profess may begin to fade because there is someone else who also needs your love and attention. Remember that you cannot to forget your daughter. Her interest must also be put into consideration, because any decision you make will affect her.

    Another option you may want to consider is adoption. The days when such issues are not discussed are long gone. These days, a lot of homes, with or without biological children, are helping humanity and putting smiles and joy into to the lives of children by taking them into their homes as their own children. Many homes have been blessed through this means. You must know that it does not necessary follow that you have to be the biological parents to a child for the child to be yours.

    Adoption connects people through love; and love is one of the strongest emotions known to man. Try and get information on the issue of adoption. You can read and ask questions, because it will be nice to be well-informed in case you decide to do so. Knowledge is power.

    In addition, couples are advised to undergo private counseling with a professional, in order to help them understand the transition and be able to deal with infertility related issues. All these will be effective when discussed as a couple. So, therefore it will be nice to talk with your wife, and together, both of you can reach a conclusion on what will be most suitable for your family.

    Marriage is a work in progress.

    Finally, when difficulties come our way, we must learn not to focus on the problem, but instead seek help on how to deal with it.

    Take care of each other

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog; www.liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  instagram harrietogbobine

  • Taking a second wife

    Dear Harriet, we have been married for 36 years now and blessed with a daughter. Medical report confirms that my wife is infertile. As a result of this, she asked me to marry a second wife. I love my wife, but the question is,  should I marry a second wife?  I need your counsel. Please help me.

    Name  witheld, Abuja.

    36 years of marriage is not a piece of cake.  Congratulations to you and your wife for keeping it together and thanks for sharing your story. In our world today, a great number of our young couples spend a lot to have glamorous weddings, but it will amaze you to know that, only a few understand or are willing to accept the fact that marriage is not a bed of roses. Marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities and challenges which only those who are working together as a team and trusting God towards the progress of their union can handle.

    However, some marriages are faced with myriads of challenges  that push  some couples to contemplate going their separate ways.  Some actually quit  the moment they are faced with  challenges, forgetting that marriage is not man’s invention but a divine institute ordained by God. It is a union of a man and a woman in total mutual self-giving and commitment for life.

    Your situation deserves proper analysis for a clearer understanding of the gravity of the case at hand before taking any decision. It’s unfortunate that I don’t have a detailed information about the whole issue because your wife’s aspect is not stated and the doctor’s finding or report about the cause of the infertility after a first child was not mentioned as well.  Anyway, a situation like this does occur, therefore, you are not alone in it.

    There are a number of factors that can contribute to secondary infertility; that is inability to conceive or carry a child to term after having a first child. Perhaps,  the most common problem is age.  The older a person is,  the more challenging it is to become pregnant. As a woman approaches 30 years of age in some cases for instance, her hormone level begins  to decline and her fertility will also start to gradually decline. This happens at  a higher rate after 35 years of age. Added to the age factor is the aspect of menopause which is a stage every  woman must experience when the time comes.

    Nature often takes its natural course. Some women start experiencing premenopausal very early before the actual issue, while some get to the stage later.  Menopause marks the end of a woman natural ability to bear children. The age varies from 40 years to mid 50s. Other causes are hormonal imbalances, structural abnormalities, and unexplained infertility.

    As difficult as it may be to accept, the reality is that a woman having such medical report together with her husband will experience the same emotional trauma like couples who are waiting for a first child.  Comments like they should be grateful that they are blessed with a daughter and many are out there praying for a child,  in a situation like this, doesn’t take away their longing for another child.

    For a woman to suggest that her husband should marry a second wife because of her situation speaks volume and must not be taken for granted. May be she couldn’t  take the internal/ external pressures that come with it any more.  It could also be that she has resigned  herself to fate or she could feel that, that  could make her husband happy. This happens mostly if the husband  is always talking about the issue and how he wishes they could have more children.

    The pain and frustration will simply overwhelm her sense of reasoning. She might be experiencing emotional isolation; the feeling of being in it  alone since she is the one with the problem.  The feeling of blame and guilt will set in and if not handled properly, can lead to anger, jealousy and resentment not to forget low self esteem that comes with the feeling of not being good enough.

    This can take a serious toll on the marriage. Your type of marriage is a importance here. For example, if it is a Christian marriage the thought of a second wife is not acceptable at all because on your wedding day you vowed to remain loyal and faithful to each other still death puts you apart. Taking a second wife under in this circumstance can be a huge challenge. It is only in few situations that you would have two women living amicable.  No woman who is very intimate with her husband in a good relationship will want to share him  with another woman no matter the situation. Although,  some might see it as not being fair but what if the situation was the other way round? In life, no matter how tough a situation is,  we should learn to always picture ourselves  in the other person’s position before we pass judgment.  To be continued

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog; www.liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj instagram harrietogbobine

  • Role of friends in relationships

    Dear Harriet, my partner is highly influenced by his friend, who is living with him, in terms of taking decisions. For example, I told him that it would be nice for him to start saving for the future, which he agreed to initially, and he was grateful for the idea but a few days later, after talking to his friend about it, his attitude changed. Please, I need your advice on what to do. Help me.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Relationships are one aspect of life that everybody cherishes, be it at work, home or elsewhere. We relate with different people for different purposes but, at the same time, we take to heart relationships that are personal to us. To be in a relationship where there is an influential third party, whether male or female, can be very frustrating, especially when you discover that your partner or spouse cannot take decisions without consulting the person. Such situation will give room to other issues in your relationship if not handled properly.

    Don’t get me wrong, everybody deserves to have good friends that they can open up to from time to time; friends who wish you well, friends who have your interest at heart, friends who will tell it as it is no matter the circumstances. But it becomes unhealthy when decisions are based on suggestions from friends. It exposes the relationship to all sorts of challenges.

    It can be very bad when a man who is supposed to be the head of a family cannot take decisions on his own, for example. The way you feel at the moment is understandable, so the way forward should not be taken for granted.

    Here are useful tips in dealing with the situation: effective communication is highly required in your case; arrange a meeting with your partner or spouse to discuss how his friend’s involvement in your relationship is affecting you as a person and your relationship with him or her; feel free to state instances, if possible, because it will help your partner/spouse to understand the implication of his/her actions.

    However, if he falls under the category of those who find it very difficult to take up responsibilities and always blame someone instead for talking them into action, this simply indicates that  there is a problem which he or she will need to work on. Sometimes, in situations like yours (although we have not heard your partner’s version), it could be that he is afraid of commitment. So, while you are addressing the issue with him in a calm and sincere manner, a proper review of your relationship is very important so that you know your place because you don’t want to suddenly realise that all the while that you made him a priority, you were only an option.

    Avoid anger and threat in the course of discussion so that you can get accurate answers to your questions. What you don’t want is to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person. Relationship is not one-sided. It takes two people who share the same feelings to make it work.

    You can actually call it an investment like money in a bank account. What you put in is what you get. While you are trying to make sure that the situation is resolved, it will be nice if he is on the same page with you. Respecting your partner’s or spouse’s views or opinions promotes a healthy relationship. To be in an unhealthy relationship is the worst thing that can happen to anyone because of the emotional trauma that comes with it, for instance.

    Therefore, it will be wise to understand the kind of friends you have and the role they play in your life. The fact of life is that, as we go along in the course of life, we are bound to make friends for different reasons and purpose. They either influence us positively or negatively. In seeking counsel, not everybody is qualified to speak in your situation.

    A friend who cannot maintain a healthy relationship is definitely not going to give good advice. You can only give what you have. Besides, be mindful of where and who you take your problems to so that you don’t get what you never bargained for. A mirror reflects a man’s face but his true personality is the kind of friends he keeps.

    Relationship issues are better resolved together by a couple or partners without involving a third party except in situations where the help of a professional is required. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng  or bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj