The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • The torn veil (2)

    Dennis arrived my home that evening shortly before we were to have dinner. I was in my room still dressing up when Harry, one of my younger brothers called out to me that he had just driven into our compound. I quickly finished up and rushed out of the room.

    I met him outside in the courtyard where he was standing talking with Harry.

    He gave me a peck on the cheek and rubbing his hands together declared:

    “I can’t wait to taste those delicious dishes you’ve been preparing which you told me about on

    the phone.”

    Harry butted in.

    “It’s Mum that did most of the cooking o! All Sister Meg did was to taste them and…”

    “Shut up your mouth! Silly boy! What do you know about cooking?” I said sternly.

    Dennis laughed then said:

    “Then I will have to thank your Mum specially for all her effort.”

    “Don’t mind him. Let’s go jo!” and taking his hand, led him inside the house.

    My parents were sitting in our large parlour, waiting for us.

    As I did the introductions, I noticed a strange look appear on my Mum’s face. It was as if she had seen a ghost or something worse. It happened fleetingly for the next moment, she was all smiles and conviviality. I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I didn’t think much about it.

    That first meeting with my family went extremely well. My dad especially was really taken with Dennis and he spoke glowingly about him.

    “I like that young man. You’ve picked the right one this time. At least he’s better than all those ‘waz up’ boys with their strange dress styles you used to hang around with when you were in school,” he said sometime later. I had just seen Dennis off and had returned to meet both of them talking about him. At least, my dad was for my Mum was surprisingly quiet.

    “That was years ago, Dad. I was much younger then,” I stated as I flopped down on the couch next to my Mum.

    “I know. But I used to be worried that you might do something foolish. Like getting pregnant and ending up marrying one of those rascals. Imagine having a son-in-law who plaits his hair and wears earrings like a woman!” he said in a jocular tone. Harry, who was hovering around whooped with laughter. I picked up a cushion and threw it at him…

    ***

    After that first day, Dennis became a regular visitor to my home. He got along well with all my family. Even my immediate younger brothers Joe and Paul who were often away from home, liked him when they eventually met him. Paul had just graduated from the Uni and was doing his service year in Cross Rivers State, while Joe, an engineer worked on an oil-rig offshore. He only came home once in a while when he was off-duty.

    One Saturday, I arrived home from a shopping trip with my best friend, Pat when I saw Dennis’ car parked in the courtyard. Though I wasn’t expecting him, I was glad he had come to visit.

    There was nobody in the sitting room and when I peeped into the kitchen, my Mum was not there. I heard voices in the balcony at the back of the house so I climbed up.

    My Mum was with Dennis. They were talking earnestly together, a bit of their conversation drifting to me.

    “It’s only proper that we tell her.”

    “No, we can’t. The shock will be too much for her. Why bring up the past?” my Mum was saying. I wondered what it was all about as I stepped up to join them.

    “My dear, you are back,” my mother stated, looking a bit startled.

    I went up to Dennis and linked hands with him.

    “Honey, when did you arrive? And what were you both talking about so seriously? Hope there’s no problem?” I asked my Mum.

    “None, dear. Why don’t you get Dennis a drink while I start dinner,” she said.

    “So, how was your day?” Dennis asked after my Mum had left and we were alone.

    “Fine. Pat sends greetings. Guess who I saw today at the mall?” I said.

    “Who?” he asked with some interest as we headed towards the stairs on our way downstairs.

     

    Opposition

    About two months later, I announced to my family that Dennis and I had fixed a date for our wedding.

    “It’s in six months time so we can have enough time to prepare,” I stated.

    My dad, who looked very pleased at the news, offered to contribute substantially to the ceremony.

  • How to overcome trauma of infidelity

    Hello Harriet, your last week article came at the right time, and after reading it, I must confess that in spite of my feeling of betrayal and pain it gave me, it gave me a better understanding of infidelity. Please, advise me on the way forward. Thanks.

    Mrs. Ndidi, Lagos.

     

    There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. It could also relate to something in your spouse’s past. You may never truly know why it happened.

    Knowing the type of infidelity we mentioned in our previous edition makes understanding it easier. You must ask questions like: Was it a one-night stand due to a mid-life or life crisis or sexual addiction? Could it be an act of retaliation or entangled affair? What is the motive behind the act? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

    Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

    The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened because it can. But it will be different.

    You just realise that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like bricks. As a counsellor, I am to treat both spouses with respect in order to give honest positive and negative feedback  to enable the spouse align effectively.

    I cannot say giving him or her flowers or gifts at this stage is not proper because this stage is like slapping a bandage on a fresh, infected wound. Although some will say as a woman, this is the time for you to make your demands. It might feel like help in the short term, but in reality, it is just covering over deeper problems that will only get worse.

    You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here is what you can do to get beyond the hurt.

    You need to understand the type of affair your spouse is involved in. Questions like is it a one-night stand, an entangled affair, or an addiction? Note the solutions to these affairs are different.

    Sexual addiction: There are some steps to be taken. The person  involved in this act of infidelity must admit to himself or herself that there is a problem and  that  there is need to help. Self-realization is a great thing.

    Change of mind set: To guard his or her mind, avoid books, pictures, magazines and videos. Avoid fantasies that stimulate wrong desires.

    Keep away from friends or companies that can lead to this desire.

    Think not of the moment, but rather focus on the future.

    Forgive your unfaithful spouse to save your marriage.

    Difficulty: Time, they say, heals all wounds. The spouse involved will have to work extra hard to gain back the lost trust.

    What has happened has happened. Let’s face it. Give a second chance. Not that the act is right, but if the person is really sorry, forgive, so that you can have a sound mind as well.

    Time Required: It’s going to take a long time for the wound to heal. It is natural to go through the healing process slowly.

    Here’s how: Men and women should understand that they took a vow before God and man to be faithful when getting married, so there is no justification for infidelity. It is wrong and cannot be right, no matter how common it is in the society.

    Polygamy is a different issue. We are addressing those who took a vow before God and man to be one till death do them part.

    Don’t make any major decision about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues, other than infidelity, need to be recognized and dealt with. If you move out of the house, you are giving room for the person to move in. You have swapped places.

    You are now the one out, while the other person is now the one in.

    Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.

  • The torn veil (1)

    The first day I took my fiancé, Denis home to meet my parents, was supposed to be a happy occasion for the family. My parents had known about my relationship with him for sometime and had always wanted me to bring him home. But I had delayed their meeting him until I was really sure he was the right man for me.

    A few months ago, I finally took Dennis to meet them. As things turned out, it was one meeting that should never have taken place. Why? You might ask. Well, read my story and you will get the answer.

    ***

    Meeting Dennis

    I first met my fiancé at work. In fact, he was my supervisor and boss at the company I worked with when I newly joined. Initially, I was wary about him because of my experience with my former boss at the last place I worked. That man gave me a tough time all because I turned down his advances to date him. And this was a man that was married with seven children!

    Anyway, I should not have worried about Dennis. He treated me fairly, more like a younger sister than a boss. He was always giving advice both on the job and even in personal matters too like relationships. Maybe because I was the new girl in the office, a lot of the guys there wanted to date me. They kept pestering me for dates and would not give up even when I had no interest in them.

    “Don’t take them too seriously, Meg. That’s what they do whenever a new female staff comes. Especially a pretty one like you,” my boss advised me one day after observing one of my co-workers, a notorious womaniser giving me his ‘manifesto.’

    With time, I got to know more about my ‘oga’. Though of mature age, he was about 35, he was not married and seemed to have no fiancé. It was a colleague of mine who told me his story one afternoon during our lunch break.

    “He was engaged to be married about three years ago. But unfortunately, his fiancé died before the wedding,” Esther, my colleague revealed.

    “What happened?” I asked with interest.

    “Well, I heard she was sick. They said she had cancer, something to do with her blood or so,” she added.

    “What a pity,” I said shaking my head. I felt sorry for my boss for losing his woman so young.

    “Yes. He must have really loved her for since then, he has never been close to any woman again, whether in the office or outside,” she noted.

    She could be right. In the one year or so that I had known my boss, I had never seen any female visitor coming to see him at work.

    Sometime later, my boss was transferred to another department of the company. And that was when our relationship changed. From being just my boss, we became friends and grew closer than we were before.

    He started inviting me out for drinks and even took me out to dinner. It was while we were eating that he made a confession to me. He told me how he had been attracted to me while we were working together but could not do much about it back then.

    “Why?” I asked, feeling curiously thrilled at his words. The truth was that, I had had feelings for him for sometime too but had kept mum about the way I felt.

    He took a sip of water before he said:

    “I didn’t want anything to affect our working relationship. But you are no longer under me now. So…”

    From that day, we grew closer. With time, he took me to his home and I met some of his relations. Dennis and I were very compatible, despite the eight year age gap between us. We seemed to like the same things and had the same goals and dreams about life. As our relationship blossomed, I fell more deeply in love with him. He was my ideal man and in him I saw the man I wanted to be with always.

    He seemed to feel the same way too. About seven months after our relationship started, Dennis proposed to me. That day, we had gone to the cinema to watch a movie. It was on the way back that he stopped the car and asked me to marry him. I was so happy that I had flung my arms around him and said a loud, ‘Yes!’

    Before then, Dennis had been asking to meet my parents, to get to know my family members. But I had always told him to be patient, that when the time was right, he would get to meet them.

    A few days after we got engaged, I told my mum that I would be bringing him home.

    “Really? That’s good. I can’t wait to see the young man that has made my daughter look so happy!” she enthused.

    “Ah! Mum! I always look happy!” I stated.

    “But not like this. There’s a glow about you that was not there before. You must really love him,” she said.

    I nodded.

    “A lot, Mum. I can’t imagine what my life will be without him,” I said.

    “He must be really special. What does he look like? Is he handsome?” and she began bombarding me with questions about my fiancé.

    “Ah! Mum! Take it easy! You will get to meet him soon so don’t be so anxious!” I stated laughing.

    My Mum and I were very close. Maybe because I am the first child and only girl out of four children. Sometimes we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Often, when we went out together, people often mistook us for siblings. We looked so much alike and my mum looked so young for her age. You see, she married quite early and had me when she was still very young, as a teenager in fact.

    I loved her so much and because of our closeness, there was nothing I didn’t tell her including details about my love life.

    The weekend that Dennis was to visit, was spent by my mum and I cooking and cleaning our home.

    “I want him to know he’s getting a wife who can cook, that he’s not getting a Mr Biggs wife!” she remarked as she stirred a sizzling pot of soup with an enticing aroma that pervaded the whole house.

    I laughed, full of joy and anticipation at the meeting of my beloved with my family…

     

    To be continued

     

    What happened when Dennis met Meg’s parents? Keep a date with us next Saturday!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to  psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Orekoya and wife relive ordeal

    Orekoya and wife relive ordeal

    A day after they reunited with their children, the parents of three children kidnapped by a nanny in Lagos, Mr Adeleke Orekoya and his wife, Adebisi, relive their experience in a chat with journalists. TAJUDEEN ADEBANJO was there, 

    How has it been with the family in the last one week?

    It has not been easy over the past seven, eight days. At some point, things got out of hands that we did not even know which direction to turn to. But I thank God because the impact of the prayers was richly felt via the direction that He gave us. We want to thank everybody, friends and family members, even those we did not know that called in to say one thing or the other. They advised us on how to go about things and to even pray on our behalf. We want to thank everybody, including the media.

    Any regrets with the way things turned out?

    I do not have any regrets getting her (the nanny, Funmilayo) from OLX because I have been using OLX for more than three years now. As a matter of fact, I have had three different nannies over the past two to three years, and I got them from OLX. In fact, I must say that two nannies before this, I got them through OLX. One stayed with us for two years without any issue. The agent contacted us, we recruited her and she stayed with us for two years. When it was time for her to leave, she gave us one month and left thereafter.

    After that, we got another one who absconded without any information whatsoever. We gave her Easter break; she went and didn’t come back. She did not even call. And then we ran into this one. It can happen to anyone with a nanny, whether she has been with you for three years or one day or even 25 years. The most important thing is that prayer is the only way that can safeguard one from what we went through.

    Indeed, we had our wrong, which is that we prioritised work to a large extent over our assets, including our children. As a result, we paid dearly for it. The trauma we went through cannot be described because there were some other things that came up that we didn’t discuss with anybody. We had four instances of scammers calling us and pretending to be the kidnappers. One even called last (Wednesday) night after we have recovered our children, telling us that the kids were with him and demanding for money. You can imagine how evil some people can be.

    Are you considering instituting court action against OLX?

    There is no reason on earth for us to institute a court action against OLX. We requested for a nanny and somebody applied. That the person that applied had other motives other than that doesn’t mean that the platform on which we placed the advert is at fault. It wasn’t OLX that sent the person to us. They only allow us to place an advert for what we need. Somebody else can apply. It is our responsibility to be vigilant while recruiting the person.

    But the point I am making now is that the nanny could have been with us for three months and still do what she did.

    It didn’t make us think OLX is not a good site to use. Like I said earlier, we learnt our lesson. We made a mistake but it doesn’t mean someone that doesn’t make mistake cannot be subjected to what we went through. The people that can hit you the most are the people that are closest to you. Someone that is far away from you cannot know when you would not be at home. And whenever you have a nanny, nobody can tell me that if he has a nanny, he or she has never left home with the nanny and kids alone, except we are deceiving ourselves.

    There is no fault on OLX in what has happened. OLX provided a platform for people to advertise and to make a request for whatever they want. It is the primary responsibility of whoever has advertised or is buying anything to put all the necessary checks and balances in place.

    How do you feel reuniting with your kids?

    You know when your joy hits the roof and goes beyond the roof, that kind of feeling where you jump up for joy. We already had the information earlier in the day. It wasn’t as if it was new to us that night. We knew we were going to get the children back that day (Wednesday). The day we got the children back, we knew we were going to get them back. The only thing was that because of what we were doing, we could not let anybody know.

    Would you go for another nanny?

    In respect to that, our focus now is that our children should live safely. That there would be another nanny to be recruited later is not something I want to think about right now. The most important thing is that the one week the children have been away, I have had some differences here and there. My focus right now is to erase any psychological issue they may have had by bonding with them and making them remember the things we used to do.

     

    Mrs Adebisi Orekoya on the nanny

    She was just here for one day. I don’t know what motive she might have had but money is the root of all evils as people say. The desire for money can make anybody to do anything.

    What happened to me can happen to anyone. I believe human beings come in different forms. They can be good and they can be bad. Even this nanny can be an angel to some people, but she is an evil person in another direction. If someone does something wrong to me, I want to understand what made the person do it. I understand now that Mary is a kidnapper. That is her job and she is a professional.

    But she was like an angel when she resumed. The lady that spent one month here could not do what she did in one day. She is a very clean person and well-trained. We cannot because of that say we should be careful with everyone that acts like an angel. I don’t want to join in what everyone else has said about her. If she had continued with what she was doing and stayed on till the second day and a year, nobody would say anything bad about her. The mistake I made is that I left her with my kids.

    Seeing your kids naked at Egbeda…

    On seeing my kids, I know that they had not been taking good care of them. They left them naked. One of them said, ‘Mummy, imagine. They put us inside nylon and the heat was too much. Look at my body. They put us inside nylon and locked us in a car.’ I was thinking they even put them inside the boot. I would like to see Mary and somebody should help me do the same to her so that she would know how the children felt. It is like I am still dreaming.

    Did your children say if they were in one place or moved about?

    They only told me “our new house” whenever they referred to where they were taken to. I asked how many people were there and they said, “One guy like that like our brother’s face.” So I guess there are still some kids in their custody. They said they were only given noodles and rice. A kidnapper that is asking for money is doing business. I would have expected them to take good care of my children.

    How has it been for you?

    You’ve been here. I’ve heard some people saying I was going crazy, and it is true because if I sit, I would still be imagining, “three children”.

    What do you have to say about women who are full housewives?

    They love their children. My husband is not a politician so he cannot be pumping me with money.

    What advice do you have for fellow women?

    Prayer is the only thing that helps anyone. Looking at all that has happened and the possibilities that could have taken place, we believe it is only God’s help and prayer that can save anyone from going through what we have been through. It is not because we were not being diligent. What I can say in all this is that God’s favour and prayer is the only safeguard.

  • Tanya’s dilemma (3)

    I FELT worried about my mother’s condition, so I kept trying her number until I finally got through. It was my aunt who picked the call. She told me she was about to call me and informed me that my mother was in the hospital and wanted to see me.

    “She had an okada accident. She’s getting treatment at the hospital some good samaritans had taken her to. You need to come right away as she has been asking after you,” she said.

    Diane offered to accompany me so we took a cab and headed immediately to the hospital. I felt reassured after seeing she was alright apart. Apart from the injuries on her legs and other parts of her body, there was no major damage.

    Diane and I stayed with her for sometime before leaving. Teddy was waiting at the house when we got home. I told him we had gone to see a friend when he asked me where I had been.

    “I was about to come and look for you when your number was not going through,” he said as he hugged me on my arrival.

    “Sorry, darling. We were held up at our friend’s place. That girl loves to talk,” I stated before going into the kitchen to get him a drink.

    Later, we sat chatting in the parlour especially the plans for the coming weekend which included the wedding of a cousin of his.

    “I hope you are coming for Abe’s wedding this weekend. I want you to look really good as I will be introducing you to my parents and other family members at the occasion,” he said.

    “Sure I’ll be there. My friends too if your cousin won’t mind,” I told him. After Teddy had left, Diane said to me:

    “This your Teddy guy really likes you. Imagine, he’s already planning to introduce you to his parents. That means he could have serious plans for you, like marriage.”

    “Well, I don’t know about that. All I know is that Teddy loves me very much. He told me his last relationship ended badly over two years ago and he had sworn to stay off dating until he met me.”

    “So, you made him change his mind. Great! But Tanya, don’t you think it’s time you told him the truth about yourself?” she asked.

    I gave her a quizzical look.

    “What are you talking about?” I demanded.

    “Girl, you know now. The fake lifestyle, trying to be what we are not. He thinks you are from a rich home and your uncles are in possession of your late Dad’s money and properties. But you and I know it’s all lies,” she responded.

    “Why would I do such a stupid thing? Do you want me to lose him?” I queried sharply.

    “That won’t happen. If he really loves you, he will accept you the way you are, whether your father is a poor man or not. Poverty is not a crime afterall,” she noted.

    I shook my head.

    “You and I know that in this country, being poor means you are a nobody. And you know who Teddy’s parents are. His Dad was a former ambassador and a big time business man with lots of money. How will it look like if he brings home someone from my type of background as a fiancé? They will throw me out!” I said.

    “I think Diane is right,”put in Stephanie who had just stepped into the room. “What happens if you two get married and he finds out the truth later? Do you think he will be happy at being deceived by you?”

    “Well, when or if I get to that bridge, I will cross it,” I rejoined.

     

    ***

    Later, I thought deeply about my friends suggestion in regards to confessing to Teddy about my background. What if he no longer liked me after knowing the truth about me, I wondered. The thought of losing him filled me with dread. I just could not afford to let go of a guy like Teddy who is one in a million. On the other hand, what if Diane and Stephanie were right that it was better I was more open with him about my family situation than giving him a false image of myself? So, one one evening when he came to visit me at home, I said:

    “Teddy, there’s something I want to discuss with you.”

    “What is it, honey?” he stated.

    “The thing is, I…” I began to say.

     

    To be continued

     

    What next? Find out next Saturday!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Tanya and other individuals in the story

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 0802320183, (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

     

    I FELT worried about my mother’s condition, so I kept trying her number until I finally got through. It was my aunt who picked the call. She told me she was about to call me and informed me that my mother was in the hospital and wanted to see me.

    “She had an okada accident. She’s getting treatment at the hospital some good samaritans had taken her to. You need to come right away as she has been asking after you,” she said.

    Diane offered to accompany me so we took a cab and headed immediately to the hospital. I felt reassured after seeing she was alright apart. Apart from the injuries on her legs and other parts of her body, there was no major damage.

    Diane and I stayed with her for sometime before leaving. Teddy was waiting at the house when we got home. I told him we had gone to see a friend when he asked me where I had been.

    “I was about to come and look for you when your number was not going through,” he said as he hugged me on my arrival.

    “Sorry, darling. We were held up at our friend’s place. That girl loves to talk,” I stated before going into the kitchen to get him a drink.

    Later, we sat chatting in the parlour especially the plans for the coming weekend which included the wedding of a cousin of his.

    “I hope you are coming for Abe’s wedding this weekend. I want you to look really good as I will be introducing you to my parents and other family members at the occasion,” he said.

    “Sure I’ll be there. My friends too if your cousin won’t mind,” I told him. After Teddy had left, Diane said to me:

    “This your Teddy guy really likes you. Imagine, he’s already planning to introduce you to his parents. That means he could have serious plans for you, like marriage.”

    “Well, I don’t know about that. All I know is that Teddy loves me very much. He told me his last relationship ended badly over two years ago and he had sworn to stay off dating until he met me.”

    “So, you made him change his mind. Great! But Tanya, don’t you think it’s time you told him the truth about yourself?” she asked.

    I gave her a quizzical look.

    “What are you talking about?” I demanded.

    “Girl, you know now. The fake lifestyle, trying to be what we are not. He thinks you are from a rich home and your uncles are in possession of your late Dad’s money and properties. But you and I know it’s all lies,” she responded.

    “Why would I do such a stupid thing? Do you want me to lose him?” I queried sharply.

    “That won’t happen. If he really loves you, he will accept you the way you are, whether your father is a poor man or not. Poverty is not a crime afterall,” she noted.

    I shook my head.

    “You and I know that in this country, being poor means you are a nobody. And you know who Teddy’s parents are. His Dad was a former ambassador and a big time business man with lots of money. How will it look like if he brings home someone from my type of background as a fiancé? They will throw me out!” I said.

     

  • Infidelity in marriage

    I FEEL betrayed: I just discovered that my spouse is unfaithful, and I feel really angry. I keep asking myself, why? Please Harriet, kindly explain my situation to me.

    Name withheld,

    Lekki, Lagos

     

    Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a huge feeling of betrayal. As painful as it may look, it will be nice to understand that infidelity is in various forms. Therefore, it will be nice to know the type of infidelity that your spouse committed. The solutions are different as well, depending on the type of infidelity. For easy understanding, infidelity has been classified into three groups. The first is the One Night Stand. It is just a one-off, no strain attached, no contact exchange, no intention of keeping a relationship with the person.

    The second is Sexual Addiction. It is like an illness. It is a situation where the person lacks self-control.

    The third is Entangled Affair. It is more emotional, intimate and long-lasting. As a matter of fact, knowing the type that your spouse is involved makes it easy to deal with. A person in your situation will like to know what led to the act of infidelity. Therefore, our next step is to provide you with all the necessary information for you to have a clear picture and again to understand that your feeling and reaction are expected.

     

    The big question is WHY? What are the reasons for this act of infidelity.

    An affair can happen in a good marriage as well as in a marriage with existing problems, although there is no justification for infidelity in marriage? In situation when spouse gives excuses for having an affair, it is simply a way to personally justify the behaviour and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Mind you, it is a decision. Some, on the other hand, may not understand why they are unfaithful. It is very important to note that you are not to blame for your spouse’s decision to stray.

    We are human beings with free will to take decision on our own. Dealing with the issue of infidelity is incomplete, if we don’t mention some reasons or excuses people give for being unfaithful to their spouses.

    They are as follows: Lack of affection in both the husband and the wife: Some spouses claim that they feel neglected with little or no attention.

    Another reason is low self-esteem as a result of their spouses’ attitude towards them, for example, cursing and abusing.  Some claim lack of satisfaction physically or emotionally. An addiction to sex or romance is another reason. This is the need for more sex or sexual variety. Some feel that it is a better way to end an unhappy marriage or relationship, most especially in situation where they are living like roommates.

    Other reasons are fear of commitment, need for excitement, lack of stable role-model relationship when growing up, inability to resist advances from the opposite sex, making spouses jealous, deception, emotional intimacy and flirtation.

    Even though the Internet correspondents may not see face to face, some use it as a reason to be unfaithful to their spouses. Internet sex has become a great concern for many families. Lack of communication, peer pressure or home or office pressure and family expansion can also be responsible.

    Moreover, statements like : Men are polygamous by nature; variety is the spices of life; if my wife catches me she goes and if I catch her she goes; I need some space; you don’t listen to me; I can’t help myself; he/she doesn’t mean anything to me; it’s not the way you feel; I was charmed; she/he seduced me; I didn’t mean it;

    I was tempted; or it’s the work of the devil; I feel sorry for her/him because of his or her  situation; and it was just once are also causes.

     

    Reactions to infidelity in marriage:

    Reactions to different types of infidelity differ. The reaction to Entangled Affair is different from One Night Stand or Sexual Addiction. There are several situations: caught in the act with a close friend or relative attracts a reaction that is different from caught in the act with a stranger on the internet.

    If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably will mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and you might feel that you are losing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to ever rebuild trust.

    Here are some of the emotions one feels when faced with the knowledge that one’s spouse has cheated.  If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, these emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again.

     

    Denial:

    This is a very normal first reaction, and most people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this.

     

    Anger:

    You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of. An affair attacks the very foundation of your day-to- day life, robbing you of your security, violating the vows you took when you got married and stripping away all the peace of mind you got from being married.

    It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the other person who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the most destructive emotions you’ll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control.

     

    Rejection:

    It’s impossible not to feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all-time low at some point before you recover. Turn to your experienced good friends and family for strength.

     

    Other reactions are: shock, heart-broken, hatred, used and violated, shattered, hurt, humiliated, depressed, homicidal,  blameworthy, helpless, vengeful,  undesirable,  sexually aroused,  some are happy (especially those that are suspicious of their spouse, and have been looking for proof) and some feel relieved, alarmed,

    lose their temper, some weep, bitterness set in, low self-esteem leads to spouse feeling unimportant, inferior, worthless and spiteful.

    Everyone will experience emotions differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

  • Keeping the fire burning in a relationship

    RELATIONSHIPS take work and to keep it fresh, requires finding ways to keep the love flame burning between the two of you. Without that fire, the relationship will grow cold and distant and will die a slow but sure death.

    With a few small steps, you can keep the love fire burning as bright as the day you first realized you were made for each other.

    Don’t sweat the small stuff. Find three qualities about your partner that you love and just remain focused on these three qualities all day long. If you need to, write it down somewhere to remind yourself about them as you go about your day. No matter what happens, ignore all of those little irritating moments or habits that drive you crazy.

    Let your partner know you are there for them no matter what.

    Set aside time to really listen to your partner. In today’s busy life and between children and work, this might be more difficult than you think. And I don’t mean listen to him while you are preparing dinner. I mean really listen, sitting so you can look into each other’s eyes and have no other interference. You should do this for at least a few minutes every day but if you have to, make a listening date.

    Buy him/her something special. Buying gifts for Christmas or birthdays or other anniversaries are great but if you want to keep the love fire burning between you, you need to go a bit further. Sometimes when things are not going so well, we need to be reminded of better times.   Find a picture of the two of you smiling happily, frame it or put it up on the fridge with a note that says: “I love to see us happy.”

    Make your partner’s load a little lighter. If you have assigned chores at home, surprise him or her and just do it. There is nothing sexier to a woman than not having to do the dishes or cook dinner for one whole evening. And if you wash his car in your shorts and white t-shirt, he is sure to show you his appreciation.

    Play the wishes-and-dreams game. As we grow and get older, our dreams change. Set aside a night when the two of you can express your wishes and dreams to each other. At the end of your evening, keep love burning by choosing a wish and let it come true.

    To keep love burning in a relationship isn’t difficult. If you follow even just a few of these suggestions, your love fire will burn high and you will be the two old lovers the young people ooh and ah about.

  • Protecting kids from evils of internet

    HELLO Harriet, I am worried about my children and their use of the internet. Please, give us tips on ways to protect our children from the evils of the internet. Thanks.  Mrs. Akinola, Lagos.

    Children this day live their lives on the internet, especially the youths, through mobile phones, laptops, desktops, ipads and game consoles.  Don’t get me wrong. The use of the internet has its advantage and disadvantages. Homework and research in schools today are internet based. The use of  the internet has helped a lot in the communication, education and entertainment areas. But it can also pose as a dangerous zone for children because it exposes children to disturbing images and information, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and cyber bulling. Cyber bulling is a form of bulling that occurs, using electronic devices whether on gaming sites ( children playing internet games with other people who are connected) or on  mobile phones, social network sites,  text messages and chats. It could be a mean text message or e-mail, rumours posted on social networking sites and embarrassing pictures or videos. The effect can be devastating for children and youths. The sad part is that in most cases, it can be very difficult to trace the bully. If it is a picture that has been sent, it is always very difficult to delete.   The internet is such a big and open world that anybody can input anything in it. As a result, a lot of children have been hurt. Some are experiencing cyber bulling, sexual abuse and verbal abuse at present. Trust me, the motive of parents in providing these gadgets is to aid children and not to harm them. So, it is our responsibility to know how to keep them safe on line. Some parents feel they don’t really understand how the internet works and that their children know more than them, forgetting that technology changes on a day-to-day basis and the best way to stay informed is to get involved (understand the internet and how it works). Sometimes sit with your children, tell them to show you what they are doing and how it works.

    There are some safety guides that parents should discuss with their children on the use of internet. Home boundaries on the use of internet must be put in place. State it in clear terms to the children the sites they can visit and the ones that they are not allowed to visit when they are online. The cyber bulling should be talked about seriously because the best way to avoid or stop bullying on line is actually working together with your children by encouraging them to tell you once somebody starts bulling them. Encourage your children to block the bullies, or delete their contacts, but not to destroy the evidence, if it is a text message, in case they have to trace the identity of the bully. If the bully is from a school, it will be easy for the authority to take action.  For younger children, the internet should not be installed in their phones until they are older. The home desktop or lap top should be place in an open place in the house for easy checks, while occasionally parents should ask for their children’s laptops and ipads to see the sites their children have been visiting.  Assure and support your children, show them love, so they don’t start seeking love on the internet, especially the ones who go on the internet to socialise. Explain to them that there are many who pretend to be what they are not. Tell them they are in chat rooms and online games. As a result, they should be very careful of the people they add as friends and be mindful of the information they share out there.  Educate them about friends online; they should not accept a friend’s friend as their friend online. Remind your children to think before putting out their pictures, videos, or comments on the internet because anyone can have access to it. All their activities are put out there for everyone to read and this is dangerous. The way forward is for parents to keep talking to their children about the danger out there on the internet, so a collaborating conversation will help to keep children safe on the internet.

    Furthermore, make sure that your children understand that they should never arrange to see any one they only know on the internet. Discourage them from chatting with strangers. Parents should talk to their children about relationship, so that when they stumble on pornographic images on the internet, they will understand that it is not applicable in the real world. In spite of the above, parents can also install child protection/ parental control devices on their children’s computers in order to block certain sites that are inappropriate. These sites can be downloaded on the internet for free:

    Norton online family: This is free software that allows parents monitor the websites their children visit, as well as what they search for online and who they chat with. Parents can have a time set for children on how long they can be on line, and even see all their children’s activities and e-mails.

    Windows live family safety: This is Microsoft’s free parental control software; it is part of windows live essentials package that includes MSM messenger and Microsoft’s webmail client. Users can block specific sites and applications, as well as controlling how long their children can use the computers.

    AVG family safety: This software allows parents to create profiles for each child; it can also be adjusted as the child gets older. The software blocks inappropriate content like pornographic sites and so on.  Others are K9 Web Protection 4.0.296, PG Surfer.

    Finally, as parents, we should work close with the school because it is important that we know the policy they have in place on the use of technology in school. The safety of our children on the internet must be emphasised both at home and in school.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.

  • Tanya’s dilemma (2)

    Narrow escape,’ I thought with relief as we got in the car and drove away. I could not imagine what would have happened if the injured woman had looked up and seen me. All my carefully laid out plans would have been ruined and what would have happened to me then?

    “Is our date this weekend still on?” asked Teddy when we got to my house.

    “Of course, darling! Or do you have something else lined up?” I asked, turning to him in the car. We were parked in front of the gate of the house where I lived with two friends of mine, Diane and Stephanie.

    He shook his head before stating: “Nothing I can’t give up just to be with you, sweetheart.”

    Just then, Stephanie came through the open gate towards where we were parked.

    After greeting Teddy, she turned to me.

    “Are you not getting down from the car or you want to go back home with him?” she queried. I made a face at her before both of us came down and made for the booth of the car.

    She got really excited on seeing all the stuff I had bought at the boutique.

    “So, you went shopping and you didn’t invite me? You’re so selfish!” With her help, I packed all the shopping bags and after giving Teddy a peck, went up to our apartment.

     

    ***

    “What? You mean it was your mother that you saw? She was the one involved in the okada accident?” Diane asked me some time later. We were alone in our two bedroom flat. Stephanie, after taking some of the clothes and shoes I had bought, had left to see a friend down our street.

    “Yes o! It was terrible, Diane. I was really confused, unsure of what to do. My first instinct was to rush to her aid. But what could I do? Teddy was with me! There was no way I could tell him who the woman was. Remember I had already told him my parents were dead,” I said.

    “Hmm. I can imagine the look on his face if he had found out the truth. But what was she doing there anyway? She’s supposed to be in the village. Did she tell you she was coming to town?”Diane enquired.

    “No. We spoke some days ago and she didn’t tell me she was coming.”

    “So, what do you want to do now? I think the first thing is find out where she is,” she suggested.

    I had an idea of where my mother must have been heading to before the accident. She had a younger sister Aunty Florence who lived with her husband and children at Egbeda, a suburb of the city; that was where my mother often stayed on the rare occasions she was in town.

    Picking up my phone, I decided to call the woman to make some subtle enquiries. But her number was not going through after several times of trying. Even my mother’s number, when I tried it, was switched off.

    Later, I sat in the living room to watch a movie on the cable channel. But I could not concentrate. Continuously going through my mind was the picture of my mother lying there by the roadside, in a pool of her own blood. And due to certain circumstances, I was unable to come to her aid when she needed me most.

    What kind of situation would justify my action, you might wonder. What child would see a parent in such distress and not run to assist? It’s only a wicked and evil child who would do that, you might be tempted to say. Ok. You can call me any name you like but I had to do what I did for self-preservation and survival. This world is a very bad and terrible place and one needs all kinds of survival tactics just to cope. Especially for young ladies like us who don’t have wealthy parents, godfathers and others to make our way through life easier. We have to hustle to survive in this hard country and that means using every means available to us including living a false life…

     

    Creating a facade

    My name as you can see is Tanya and I’m in my twenties. That is not the name my parents gave me at birth. I have a traditional name which my family, childhood friends and former school mates know me with. When I moved to the city about four years ago, I discovered it was not posh and high class enough. So, I adopted the name Tanya which I had seen in a book and the name has stuck ever since.

    To go with the new name, I also changed my family history. To most of new friends in the city- besides Diane and Stephanie who know my background- I come from a wealthy family. When asked where my parents were, I always stated they had died tragically in a plane crash when I was a little girl. It was all to create a facade, a fake life just to belong to the posh set in the city.

    It was also to enable me get into the class of the rich and well-to-do men in the society who are our main ‘targets’ in our line of work. The work my friends and I do is not the type where you dress up in the morning and go to an office or other workplaces to put in an honest day’s job. Ours is hustling for men especially rich ones who can take care of our numerous needs.

    I have been doing this ‘job’ since my arrival in the city and I have made a lot of money from it. Part of the money, I send home to my parents for their upkeep and that of my siblings while

    I spend the rest on taking good care of myself so I can always look good to my ‘clients’. However, despite all the money and other perks we get from this ‘job’, I’ve always intended to make enough so I could ‘retire’ and do something more legitimate.

    Another desire of mine is also meeting a decent guy one day, preferably a well-to-do one whom I can marry and settle down with. So, when Teddy came into my life some months ago, I knew I had found the one. He was everything I wanted in a man- and to top it all, he was very rich from a wealthy background. Teddy, from what I told him about myself, believes I’m the only child of my parents who died leaving me at the mercy of my wicked uncles who stole my inheritance.

    He felt very bad for me the first day I told him the story and even vowed to do all he can to help me retrieve what was rightfully mine.

    “Those your uncles are very heartless people! How could they do that to their own niece?” he had fumed then.

    What will he say when he found out it was all lies, that my parents were both alive and well and lived in my home town. That instead of being rich, they are very poor and survival is a daily struggle especially after my father’s accident. You see, he was a palmwine tapper, whose wine was much sought after in our community and even outside it. One day, he had gone to check on his trees and had fallen down and broken his spine. He had been bedridden since then and had to be taken care of by my poor mother…

     

    To be continued

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Tanya and other individuals in the story

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 0802320183, (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Why you must communicate with your partner

    Communication is very important in any relationship. It is the fuel on which the engine of a relationship runs. In our homes, communication is the building block of intimacy in marriage because through it, spouses convey their thoughts and feelings to each other.

    For two people from different backgrounds to come to live together as one is not easy at all. Effective communication is really the only way they can understand themselves and also be able to tolerate each other’s strength and shortcomings.

    Therefore, for better interaction, the sender who conveys the message must make sure that the information is clear, while the receiver must also be sure that the message is clear, heard and understood. The big question that comes to mind while dealing with this major aspect of relationship is how do we communicate?

    We communicate in different ways, verbal and non-verbal.

    Verbal communication is simply the use of wordswhat we say, how we say it and when we say it. Spoken words are very powerful. They can make or destroy a marriage or relationship. Words we speak to our spouses or friends register more in their minds, whether harsh or kind. As we know, in our society, spoken words are compared to a broken egg that cannot be put together again. The truth is that your body language or attitude can be misinterpreted, but spoken words are usually difficult or nearly impossible to deny. Some homes today are suffering from spoken words said carelessly. Relationships have turned sour because of harsh words and so on.

    However, non-verbal communication is a process through which we interact without talking. Instances include attitude, eye contact and body language during conversation. Physical expression like hugs, handshakes, kisses and a pat on the back are also kinds of non-verbal communication.

    We cannot overlook the three important elements of good communication. They are WHAT WE SAY, HOW   WE SAY IT AND WHEN WE SAY IT.

    What we say: Our choice of words is very important in order for us to have an effective communication with our spouses or friends. The words we use to express ourselves matter a lot because if not said properly, they might pass a wrong message.

    Take for example, a woman who is worried about her husband, working late for the fear of the danger of the night might express her concerns wrongly. Instead of choosing her words in order to relate the right message to her husband, she may say it in a way that her husband would think she is accusing him of self-centeredness or unfaithfulness. Reactions to situations like this might vary, depending on the temperament of the man or his perception of the message. Some would become aggressive, especially if they are wrongly accused; some would go completely silent and others might complain to their friends and relatives, or decide to stay so late in order to avoid  nagging or false accusation. Therefore, our message must be clear for easy understanding.

    What we say: Instead of complaining, ask questions. Then, express your concern, while being mindful of your choice of words, so that you don’t miss the point. Understand your spouse’s  or friend’s personality type and talk accordingly. Be specific and simple, while interacting with your spouse or friend. Always think before you say anything.

    How we say it: How do we present our message? How do we make our point clear without missing the main issue? Understanding your spouse and knowing the approach that is suitable for her or him are very important. How we convey our message, either through word or action, must be clearly understood to avoid misinterpretation.

    When we say it: The timing or rather, when we choose to speak is also an important aspect of communication with our spouses. Talking at the right time is an aspect that must not be neglected. Understanding your spouse’s or partner’s mood tells you if he or she will be ready to listen to your conversation at that given time. Timing is very vital in communication- know when to talk so that you can get a good response.

    Ability to listen attentively during communication is crucial as well. You must listen to each other in the process of interacting. Most of the times, we hear our spouse or partner talking without us listening.

    Moreover, couples, for instance, that communicate effectively tend to understand each other better. They smoothen out their differences easily as communication takes away barriers and obstacles. In addition, a relationship or bond is created between them and this gets stronger by the day.

    They work as a team for the good of their family. Marriage is an institute and we learn every day. Couples that communicate are constantly learning from each other at all times. Conversation really takes care of many needs. As a matter of fact, good communication in marriage solves most problems. It helps spouses to have their feelings and thoughts heard and respected.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.