The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • A nagging wife? What to do

    Hello Harriet, I am told that I nag a lot, though I don’t entirely agree. I think the issue here is that I am a very principled person. I cannot see something wrong and remain silent. I believe it is my duty as a wife and mother to correct my family.  As a matter of fact, my husband and children are complaining about me, even my youngest child who is 8 years, has joined the complainants. I am beginning to realize that I have a real problem, and I do not know how to stop the attitude.

    – Name withheld, Benue

     

    Thanks for sharing your challenge with us and hopefully you will be able to gain one or two from our solutions. I have never heard anyone say it better than the Good Book does: “It is better to live on a corner of your roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”-Proverbs, Chapter 21,Verse 9. The same adage could be applied to the nagging mother, husband, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, friend and, in fact, anyone. No one can stand a nagger. There is just something about that resounding whine that itches the back in spots that cannot be reached. Who will want to stay close to someone who has little or nothing uplifting to say? Just imagine having a boss at work who complains at the top of his voice about every single thing you do or say. At least, with a nagging boss, you could put in your notice and leave. Your poor family has no choice, but to put up with you forever. Their only chance of peace is unfortunately to avoid you like a plague. Have I nagged you enough?  I only wanted to give you a little taste of your own medicine. At this point, your question might be: So what can I do?

    The way forward is to STOP, take a deep breath, try to relax and then ask yourself candidly what the real problem is? Or are you dissatisfied with the state of your own life and now transferring anger to those closest to you? Is it that you are such a control freak going out of control, trying to take charge of what everyone is doing? Incessant nagging is often precipitated by emotional factors: feelings of helplessness, depression and frustration are common culprits. If deep-seated depression is  the problem, you will need to get professional help or better still (depending on your level of faith) help from above. However, if it is more of control issue (doing it because you want things to go right for everyone), that as well can be taken care of.

    In situations like this, the initial step is to come to terms that no one can be in control of every facet of his or her life. Trying to achieve that will only stress you up and make you age quickly. Our imperfection is what makes us beautifully human. You have got to learn to let go and accept life with its ups and downs. Things will not always work out your way, but if you do what you can and leave the rest in God’s capable hands, they will always work themselves out. This is the truth you must accept and learn to live by it in order to derive happiness and peace of mind.

    Next, you must develop a culture of listening. Constant nagging is more effective than wearing headphones in preventing you from hearing what everyone around you is saying. Communication is very important in every home, knowing that it is a two-way street and is as much listening as it is speaking. You should take a cue from this. Listen more because when you listen, you get a chance to discover where the other party is coming from. This helps you strategize your own input better, so you don’t have to say so much before you arrive at an understanding.

    Moreover, if you are riding on a high horse, please come down. You mentioned being a highly principled person in your e-mail. This is all well and good for you, but it could be that your expectations of other  people are unreasonably high. Of course, as a mother, it is expected that you should seek to ensure that members of your family maintain good standards of behaviour. Remember we are not all clones of each other; your husband is a different individual from you. The same goes for your children. Everyone has his or her own special buttons. You have got to learn which one to press to get the desired results. Dealing with each person at his or her own level is not necessarily compromising on your standards or being a coward. It is simply being pragmatic and resultoriented.

    In addition, once there is an agreed standard of behaviour in place in your home, you can utilize ground rules, rather than nagging, to enforce discipline in your children. If your children know, for example, that if their rooms are not tidied by a certain time, there will be no television (or whatever it is you know they cherish the most) for that day, the need to nag about it is then reduced. Note that this will require consistency on your part.

    Finally, you need to change your language. Any good human resource person will tell you that motivation is crucial to getting the best out of people. Therefore, learn to see the good in those around you and make more noise about their efforts than about their failures. As a leader (and that’s what you are as a mother), you must train yourself to be an encourager. Pretty soon, you will then find your whole family always flocking around you because you make them feel so good about themselves. You will also find them slowly acquiring at least some of those high principles of yours. We know it would not be easy. These changes will not just happen magically, but if you really set your mind to it, you can do it.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • Tanya’s dilemma (1)

    WHY don’t you try the blue shoes. I think they will go well with the dress,” said Teddy.

    “You think so? Alright,” I said. I slipped on the pair of high heeled shoes and stood in front of him.

    “What do you think? You like?” I asked as I turned round so he could see the back of the dress.

    ] “Beautiful,” he stated admiringly. The dress, a cap sleeve, bodycon style was one of the many outfits I had tried on in the top end boutique in the shopping centre in town. Teddy, who had a good eye for style, had selected most of them including the accessories. “Lovely. The colour of the dress suits your skin,” he noted.

    “Thanks, darling. You are really spoiling me. Look at all the stuff we’ve bought so far,” I stated glancing at the pile of clothes, shoes and bags at my side. They were enough to fill a large suitcase and I was not done yet. The bill already looked big but I was not worried as I knew that Teddy, my boyfriend of a few months was capable of paying whatever amount I had incurred.

    “You are my baby, Tanya. Who else will I spoil but you?” Teddy said squeezing my shoulder.

    Later, after picking some other items including a few pieces of jewellery, a shop assistant packed all my purchases into bags and took them to the car in the parking lot. I followed her outside while Teddy took care of the bill.

    We were arranging the bags in the boot of the SUV when a loud bang followed by a scream like that of someone in great pain, drew our attention.

    Just a few meters away by the roadside, we could see a woman sprawled on the ground with a motorcycle half lying on top of her. A short distance away, the okada rider, who appeared dazed, sat on the sidewalk, rubbing his leg. We watched as a few passersby gathered round the accident scene, talking and gesticulating.

    “What’s going on?” asked Teddy when he came out and saw the small crowd by the roadside.

    “Looks like an accident,” I said.

    “These okada riders can be so reckless. Hope no one got hurt,” he said as he walked to the scene. I closed the car booth, gave the shop assistant a tip and joined Teddy and the other spectators.

    Apart from bruises on her legs and hands, the woman appeared to be alright. A plump lady in the orange shirt and trousers of road traffic wardens, was helping her to sit up. She sat by the curb groaning and inspecting her body, especially a deep gash on her right leg that was dripping blood.

    There was something familiar about the woman, so I moved nearer for a closer look. On seeing the woman’s face, I gasped and quickly drew back to stand at the edge of the group.

    “What is it Tanya? You look as if you have seen a ghost!” Teddy observed, looking worriedly at me.

    Quickly gathering myself together, I stated:

    “Its nothing. Maybe it’s the sight of all that blood that’s freaking me out. I think we should leave. Remember you have an appointment in an hour’s time.”

    ‘Narrow escape,’ I thought with relief as we got in the car and drove away. I could not imagine what would have happened if the injured woman had looked up and seen me. All my carefully laid out plans would have been ruined and what would have happened to me then?

     

    To be continued

     

    Who is the mystery woman and why was Tanya so upset at seeing her? Keep a date with us next Saturday for the sizzling details!

     

    Names have been changed to protect Tanya’s identity and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

  • Finding Rosie (5)

     

    Then one day about two days before Chief and I were to travel to see my parents for the introduction, he came to my office one evening.

    “JB, what are you doing here?” I asked on seeing him at the reception.

    “I had to see you. Look, Rosie, we really need to talk. Can we go somewhere quiet, away from distractions? Please?” he pleaded. I was almost closing for the day anyway so I told him to wait while I went to get my bag and other stuff from my office.

    He drove to an eatery a short distance away from my office. The place was quiet as there were not many customers at that time of the day.

    “What will you like to drink? Or will you like to eat something?” he asked when we sat down. I was not in the mood for drinking or eating for that matter. I simply wanted to hear whatever he had to say and go home.

    I shook my head.

    “I’m ok. I ate at the office not too long ago,” I replied. As he walked towards the counter to get some drinks, my phone rang.

    It was Chief. He wanted to know when I would be closing from work and if I could come over to his house later.

    “We need to see to finalize the plans for our visit to your family in a few days’ time,” he said.

    I told him it was not possible as I was working late.

    “Let’s see tomorrow, Chief. I’ll try to close early and come over to your place,” I said. He agreed and we chatted for a while before hanging up.

    “Who was that?” JB asked on his return to our table. When I told him it was Chief, he grumbled:

    “What does he want now? Can’t he allow you rest for ten minutes?”

    “In case you have forgotten, we are getting married and we have wedding plans to make,” I retorted.

    “Not if I have anything to do with it,” he said as he offered me one of the drinks he had brought.

    Then taking my hand across the table, JB said softly:

    “Rosie dear, you and I know this marriage between you and my Uncle is a sham. You don’t love him; you admitted yourself that you are just fond of him. How can you go into marriage with a man you don’t have feelings for?”

    “How I feel about him is my business not yours,” I stated shortly.

    “That’s where you get it wrong. Whatever happens to you is my business. Why? Because I love you Rosie! And I’m ready to do anything to get you back!” he declared.

    “What makes you so sure I want to get back with you?” I asked.

    “I’m sure because I know you still feel something for me. Look into my eyes and say you don’t love me and I will walk away right now and not bother you again,” he said.

    I averted my eyes and looked anywhere else but at him. I should have walked away then and things would have stayed as they were. But my errant heart betrayed me that night. I just could not lie to myself that I no longer felt anything for him. Being so close to him brought back all the old emotions and feelings and I just could not help myself.

    We sat talking for some time before leaving the restaurant. On getting home JB said he was hungry so I prepared some rice for him. As he ate and I sat watching him, I realized then that this was what I really wanted: being together with JB, sharing our lives and loving each other again…

     

    A fresh start

    “Rosie, you can’t be serious! You can’t just break up with Chief like that! It’s not right!” my friend Helena stated vehemently the following day. I had just told her what had transpired between JB and I the night before, how we had resolved our differences and decided to start afresh.

    “Why not?” I retorted. “It’s my life and I have the right to decide who I want to be with! Right now, it’s JB I want.”

    “And what about Chief? What are you going to tell him? That you have dumped him for some one else? And his own nephew for that matter? Rosie, that’s really wicked of you!” Helena stated hotly.

    The fact is I did not really care how Chief would feel. Afterall, I reasoned, he was the one who was more keen on this marriage than I. I did not love him, I only liked him. JB was my one true love and now that he had come back into my life, it would be foolish of me not to grab at a chance at happiness.

    “I feel bad about Chief. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him that the wedding is off, a day before our introduction. He will be devastated. But there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to follow my heart; that means JB,” I stated convincingly.

    “I hope you know what you are doing. And as for JB, can you really trust him? I hope you haven’t forgotten what he did to you in the past,” she pointed out.

    “He has begged for forgiveness and it’s been sorted out. He’s a changed man now. He’s more mature and caring than the JB of our school days,”I replied.

    Later, I left Helena and made my way to Chief’s house to break the news to him, that I could no longer marry him because of my love for JB. I don’t know how he will react- he will definitely be upset. But I feel I took the right decision. Would it not have been worse if I had gone ahead and married Chief and be pining and longing for JB, his blood relative? Or even worse, be having an affair with him on the side?

    Or what do you think? Should I have gone ahead and married Chief and let my one true love, JB go? Readers’ views are welcome!

    Concluded

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Rosie and the other individuals in the story.

  • Dealing with masturbation

    Ma,

    I am a boy who just clocked18. I thank God for it. Well you can wish me a happy birthday. Madam, I am facing a serious challenge which I have been with for almost 10 years. It is the issue of masturbation. It all started the moment I was raped by one of my cousins. Since then, I cannot control my sexual urges and masturbation. I have this feeling of opening up to you as a counsellor to help me out. This issue has been a secret in my life. I am ashamed to confide in anybody for fear of being condemned. I really don’t know how to deal with my situation. Please, I need your help. You have my permission to publish my message, but please, don’t disclose my identity. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

    I must commend you for the courage you showed by sending in your mail about your situation. It takes a lot to do so. You have done great. Sending this mail is one step to your healing because when you open up on issues like this, it gives a clear picture of what you are going through. Now, we have two issues to tackle. First is the case of rape and the second is masturbation. Rape is a serious issue and must be reported. It doesn’t matter who is involved, whether family member or not. The rapist must face the law for such an act. On the other hand, the victim must be protected and reassured of a bright future. He or she must see a trained counsellor who will take the victim through a healing process.  The reason for all this explanation about rape is because it is one of the major causes masturbation.  Come to think of it, most of the rape issues are done by family members who take advantage of the innocent. That is the reason why parents must protect their children all the way. Discuss with them, telling them everything they need to know about sex education. Listen to them when they complain about certain people. Trust them; don’t intimidate them. Build their confidence, show them love and answer all their questions. Correct your children with love when they are wrong.  Masturbation is one common act that a large number of teenagers are involved in mostly when the above are missing and when there is lack of information or wrong information given to them as they are confused about the natural changes that are taking place in their bodies, both physical and emotional. Apart from the issue of rape, some get answers from their friends on what to do when their sexual feeling comes to play. Others get these answers from books and media. Masturbation becomes an addiction and can actually affect other aspects of their lives, if all the necessary steps are not taken to put an end to it. Some of the effects are as follows: obsession, guilt, lack of concentration, absentmindedness, memory loss, depression, solitariness, low self-esteem and so on.  However, stopping masturbation addiction requires a lot of self-discipline and total commitment. It is achievable once you set your mind on it. There are some useful tips on how to deal with the issue of masturbation.  My first advice on this case is that you see a trained counsellor, so that his rape issue will be treated properly. He needs to open up to a professional who is not going to judge or condemn him, but reassure him of confidentiality and assist him through the healing process which comes in sections. Since his unspoken rape incident is what led him into masturbating and uncontrollable sexual urges. The next step is to learn to divert your free time and energy into active areas like sport. Take up an activity that you enjoy instead of staying idle. You can start daily exercise, if you like, but once you start, make sure you stick to it. If you can’t keep to it on your own, then go and register with a gym and be consistent.  Getting really busy with yourself in a useful and productive way is also another way to end this practice. Take up courses to acquire skills, if you like. This will occupy your mind and help you improve yourself. As a matter of fact, the truth is that you need to seriously work on your mind set because all this started from the mind. So dealing with it means that the mind must be occupied with right thoughts- positive thinking, nothing more. You must be determined to make it work. Above all, don’t forget to surrender yourself to God. He is your creator,  the only one who will make all this action work, if you take it to Him in prayers. Therefore, whatever your religion, take your situation to Him, while you follow all the tips that are given to you. Trust Him and He will deliver you.   Avoid being idle because the idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Read inspirational books that will help. Fill your mind with thoughts on how you can improve yourself for good. Be creative, for example, learn how to play a musical instrument.   Furthermore, avoid every situation that might trigger the urge of masturbation. Keep away from anything that turns you on sexually. They could be films, books, magazines, bad friends and so on. You have to take absolute control of yourself at all times by avoiding tempting situations, if you want to end it.  In short, start something new that will keep you busy and excited. In addition, you need to take this process step by step to avoid making  mistakes along the line. Don’t forget it took time to get into this habit and it will take time to get out. So, if you fall, do not remain there. Dust yourself up and continue because it takes a willing heart to achieve change.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • I’m educated, he’s not, but I love him

    SOMEONE once asked me if what I write about are true life stories or just mere fiction. When I thought about it, I realise that it is easy to assume that certain things do not exist just because we are blessed not to experience those situations. Anyway, Christy wrote in last week. I have given her my candid advice, but I know my opinion is not enough for her to make up her mind on the issue.

    In her words: “I have this guy. He has every quality I need, but the problem is he is not educated and the kind of job he does is seasonal. Should I go on with the relationship?” she asked. It was just as simple as that. She went straight to the point.

    To start with, I asked Christy what her level of education is. I was told she just finished at a college of education and she intends to further. To me, that is where the problem is. For your information, her man did not finish secondary school.

    Well, it is obvious she’s in love with him from the tone of her voice, and he is probably head-over-heels in love with her. But you cannot afford to sweep certain sentiments under the carpet. Some of the common sentiments that confront relationship/marriage are religious and tribal sentiments, but there are also other sentiments such as status that is capable of putting weight on a relationship. It takes a man who is secured to deal with a woman who is more educated than him, especially if he’s not a successful artisan. More so, Christy intends to further her education.

    I believe that no matter how successful a woman is, she really wants to look up her man. He must make her admire him in status. What the man in question has is character which is the bedrock of every good relationship, but then character may not be enough, especially when the woman is better off in status.

    What do you think really? I want to know you candid opinion. Is it okay for Christy to go for him? Is it okay for an educated lady to marry an illiterate man, especially when he’s got everything she wants? Please, please do advise. This isn’t about Christy alone. It happens every now and then. When it comes to matters of the heart, we tend to make emotional decisions. So, it important to advise appropriately to avoid future pain.

     

    RE: Kissing my boyfriend is difficult. What do I do?

    Mouth odour can be properly managed by oral hygiene. Oral health goes beyond brushing of teeth and chewing stick in the morning. He will need to get some medicated mouth wash to be rinsing and gargling in his mouth at regular intervals throughout the day. He should carry around with him oral spray and mints to use as when needed during the day. The mouth wash will kill the germs that produce the offensive odour. She has to use tact and tender loving care to get him to start the curative new regime. She too must do the same so as to deflect the resentment he might want to show.

    Yinka Alakija

     

    Hi, I’m Joel. I am texting in response to your column about the girl who can’t kiss her boyfriend due to mouth odour. Tell her this, I don’t really see it as a problem I.e. telling him about his situation when you’re in a relationship. You’re not just lovers but friends, meaning you know each other well, strengths and weaknesses. So believe me, no one knows the best way to approach her boyfriend better than her because if someone knows how to approach him better than her, then she’s not qualified to be his girl. So, let me make it straight and simple. Let her talk to him about it. I know her fears, but as I said, she should know him.  Have a lovely weekend, Mercy.

     

    I would advise Dapo to forward his blood group- O, A, B, AB. The type of food consumed greatly contributes to this problem. It’s not enough for the lady to abandon the relationship. It can be eradicated.

    Humphrey

     

    ‘HOOK UP’

    Are you single and searching? Look no further, send in your profile and give a description of the kind of girl/lady/woman you want and your request will be published here. Please sms only to 08023630001 or 0703472211, Email: forsistersonly@yahoo.com.

    And if you have ever been ‘hooked up’ on this column, please I need feedback. Thank you.

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Shade. I’m from Kwara State. I’m 29, a graduate, tall and fair. I’m a Christian. I need a God-fearing man for a relationship that will lead to marriage.

    08053377964

     

    Hi Mercy,I am Olakunle, a biochemistry graduate.I am 40 years old. I need an educated lady between the ages of 29 and 34 for marriage. She can be from any tribe. Thanks.

    08068494768

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m Usman, from Idah-Kogi State. I need a pretty, beautiful, sexy, generous and charming Igala Muslim girl for marriage. Call me on

    08140892443

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m Abdul, 30 years. I need a real lady to get engaged with. She should be between 24 and 27. Only interested lady should call me please.

    08136388896

  • Kissing my boyfriend is difficult; what do I do?

    Kissing my boyfriend is difficult; what do I do?

    WHAT I’m supposed to do? “ I love him. “How do I tell him he’s got bad breath?” Asked Dorothy.

    Dorothy is one of my ardent readers. She loves her man no doubt because of the way she went on and on about him when she called me. “But, why this? She asked. And I said why what?

    “Aunty, Dapo is a good man, I know. Like the saying that it takes a bad relationship to appreciate a good one, that saying often times is very true. Before I met Dapo, I was in an abusive relationship. That’s a topic for another day sha. After I managed to get out of it, I met Dapo who showered me all the love in the world. Well, I think I deserve the very opposite of what I had gone through in my previous relationship.

    “But just when I was settling into my new glorious liberty, the devil struck, this time, I had to deal with bad breath or risk losing a good man. I don’t want to walk into another abusive relationship, not in this life, not in the one to come. But it’s a tough choice to stay with Dapo because I have to constantly deal with his bad breath. I really do not know how long I can carry on because what’s romance really without kissing your man? Aunty, please advise me”.

    Dear esteemed readers, please let’s not shift focus from what the column is all about, which is to proffer solutions to some of the challenges we face in our relationship. Dorothy is one of us, please kindly advise appropriately. Thank you.

    Also, if there are steps to take to eradicate mouth odour, please do text those suggestions to me.

     

    ‘HOOK UP’

    Are you single and searching? Look no further, send in your profile and give a description of the kind of girl/lady/woman you want and your request will be published here. Please sms only to 08023630001 or 0703472211, Email: forsistersonly@yahoo.com.

    And, if you have ever been ‘hooked up’ on this column, please I need feedback. Thank you.

     

    Hi Mercy, please link me up with a sugar lady in Abuja between the ages of 29 and 45. I’m Dave, 33 years. I’m handsome and good looking. Thanks. 07051025767.

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Sola. I’m 38 years old, 5ft and dark in complexion. I live in Ado-Ekiti. I want a sugar mummy that is sexually active for a good relationship. She could be from between 35 and 50. 08059598400.

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m 39. Please hook me up with a clean, mature, God- fearing, working class professional female (lady/single mum) nurse, doctor, banker, health worker, civil servant from Ondo, Osun or Ekiti for a serious relationship. Age is no problem.

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m Gabriel, please link me up with a good looking military lady that is slim, tall, fair and big booty between the age of 25 and 35 for a relationship that will lead to marriage.

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m Pat Oka from Enugu. I need a sugar mummy between 50 and 60 years for a relationship. 08165336346.

    Hi Mercy, my name is Nwokeji Joseph. I’m 6ft 1inch tall, a graduate of marketing working and living in Lagos State. I’m fair in complexion, gentle, handsome, sincere, caring and open minded to people. I need a working class lady from Ekiti, Ondo or Calabar residing in Lagos State. She must be well educated, tall, beautiful, light in complexion, caring,  homily, God-fearing, patient and very romantic who is between 20 and 25 years of age and willing to go into a relationship that can lead to marriage, any interested lady should contact me on this numbers. 08120384619, 09092110643.

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Victor and I reside in Lagos. I need a sweet lady between the ages of 23 and 29 for a serious relationship that can lead to marriage. 08073780203

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Adex. I’m 38. I need a very decent, mature, beautiful, simple and open-minded, clean and ageless, God fearing, single mum or lady that work as a nurse/doctor with government or a banker. Age is no problem. 09030834951

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Bamgbose. I am 30 years. I live in Lagos State. I need a Muslim lady between 28 and 29 for relationship that will lead to marriage. 08090518824.

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Adesina, 40 years. I’m Yoruba and live in Suleja, Niger State. I need my age group or older woman for a serious relationship. 08099186951.

     

    Hi Mercy, I’m Ola, a banker. I’m 38. I need a lady from western part for marriage. She should be between 28 and 34. 0909658519.

     

    Hi Mercy, my name is Tunde, 32 years. I’m dark, good looking. I stay in Ondo, civil servant. I need a sugar mummy or working class lady for serious relationship.  08160119602.

    Hi Mercy, my name is Abraham. I’m 30 years, a graduate. I need a sincere and caring lady for a serious relationship that will lead to marriage.

    07065965077

     

  • Finding Rosie (4)

    DUE to an unspoken agreement, JB and I kept our past relationship from Chief that day. His unexpected arrival on the scene got me really confused. Why did this have to happen now after things had been settled between Chief and I, I kept wondering.

     “What are you going to do now?” asked Helena when I discussed the new development with her later that evening.

     “Nothing. I will just go ahead with the plans,” I replied.

     “And what about Chief? Don’t you think he deserves the right to know? That his fiancé had been in a relationship with his nephew before?” she said.

     “Look, I don’t really see the need for that. What happened between JB and I belongs in the past. He means nothing to me now,” I stated.

     She did not look convinced though but she said nothing.

     I was at home the following day- Sunday when JB came to see me. I was expecting him as he had told me at Chief’s place the previous day that he would be visiting.

     “In all my years on earth, I had never been so shocked as I was yesterday at my Uncle’s place. Rosie, what’s going on? How did you end up with my Uncle?” he queried as soon as he entered the house.

     “First of all, JB, it’s my private life- I don’t think you have any right to question me about who I date or marry. Afterall, we broke up years ago in case you have forgotten!” I pointed out.

     “Ok. Agreed. But my Uncle? Why him of all the men in town? No way, Rosie, you can’t marry him. In fact, you have to break off this engagement,” he said firmly.

     “And why should I do that? Chief loves me very much and…” I started to say when he cut in:

     “And you? What do you feel for him? Don’t tell me you are in love with that old man?”

     “What’s wrong with that? Chief is a good man, he treats very well. More than can be said for some people,” I stated, giving him a sly look.

     He sighed.

     “Look, Rosie. I know I was not fair to you back in school. There were some things I did back in the day that I regret; the way I treated you is top among them. But I wrote to you apologizing after I had left school. You got the letter, didn’t you?” he said.

     It was some months after JB graduated that I had received the said letter. At that time, I was still heartbroken after we broke and I had not bothered to reply.

     “So? What has that got to do with this matter?” I enquired.

     “A lot, Rosie. You remember I stated in the letter that I was leaving for further studies outside the country and that I would come and see you whenever I was in the country. I returned three years later but you had graduated and gone for the youth service programme. I didn’t know where you were serving so I could not reach you. Since then, I have been coming in and out of the country but I have been unable to reach you,” he said.

     “Wait a minute, JB. Are you saying you have been looking for me all this while, all these years?” I asked in a wondering tone.

     He nodded.

     “It’s the truth. I’ve been searching for you for years now, Rosie, hoping to see you again one of these days. So, you can imagine my shock when I saw you at my Uncle’s house and him proudly showing you off as his fiancé!”

     “I don’t understand this. Why would you be looking for me? Our relationship ended years ago!” I reminded him.

     “Truth is, Rosie, I have not been able to forget you. I’ve had affairs and even relationship since we parted but it’s not been the same with the others. There’s something missing, a vacuum I believe only you can fill,” he said.

     “Well, you might have to go elsewhere to find that elusive thing you claim you are missing. For as you can see, I’m engaged,” I said, proudly flaunting my ring in his face.

     “You have to break it off. Can’t you get it Rosie, I still love you!” he declared.

     “JB, that’s your problem not mine. I’m engaged to Chief and there’s nothing I can do about it,” I told him.

     “You can’t be serious about marrying my Uncle. I know you don’t love him. And I know you used to be crazy about me,” he stated.

     “That was then. I was a young girl full of foolish dreams,” I said.

     “But it’s that all? Can you honestly say you no longer feel anything for me? Can you?” he said, coming closer to me.

     I stepped back, my hands raised in front of me, not wanting him close to me.

      Seeing my reaction, he smiled, a knowing look on his face.

     “I think you should leave, JB. I don’t think your Uncle will be happy to see you and I together like this. Please go,”I told him.

     He left then, with the promise to return some other time.

      ***

     JB’s return to my life at this period put me in a state of confusion. I had met him in school in my first year as a student. He had been two years ahead of me and was one of the ‘big’ boys on campus. He had a lot of admirers among the female students and was often seen in the company of different ladies.

     We met at one of the shows on campus and that’s how we became friends before we began dating. I was madly in love with him and he said he loved me too. We were together for nearly two years when we had a big fight over his relationship with some other girls on campus. He kept denying he was not dating them until I caught him in his room, in bed with a student who lived on the same block with me. A girl I was not on good terms with and whom I disliked.

     I had forgiven him in the past over his infidelities but that was the last straw. I had called off the relationship and vowed not to have anything to do with him again. I was heartbroken then as I had loved JB so much. It took me a long time to recover from my broken heart. Now he was back again afterall all these years, saying he still loved me and wanted me back. What was I supposed to do?

     Much as I tried to deny it to myself, seeing JB again rekindled all the old emotions and brought back memories of what it was like when we were together all those years ago. I knew it would be dangerous to be alone together with him. So whenever he wanted to see me to talk, I always gave one excuse or the other.

     I wanted to keep avoiding him as much as possible until I had married Chief and there was nothing he could do then.

     Then one day, about two days before Chief and I were to travel to see my parents for the introduction, he came to my office one evening…

     Will Rosie rekindle her relationship with JB or will she marry Chief? Watch out for the concluding part of Rosie’s story next Saturday!

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Rosie and the other individuals in the story.

  • I want to reduce my weight to save my marriage

    Hello Harriet, I am really impressed with your column in The Nation. Please, I need you to counsel me on what to do. I am 45 years old and married with children. Here is my case: My relationship with my husband is deteriorating by the day  because of my weight which he makes clear to me. I have been for a very long time consoling myself with one excuse or the other. Now, I really want to do something about my weight. Honesty ,I love my marriage and I want to keep it. Kindly advise me. Thanks. Uju, Lekki,Lagos.

    The issue of weight can be very sensitive. Some people take it and do something about it. Others do not want it mention at all.  The fact that you are aware of it and you have made up your mind to do something about your weight is a good step. I must commend you on that. You are very lucky to   have a husband who is sincere about what he wants in his wife because some men will not discuss it. Instead, they will start acting in different ways. Others go as far as picking up quarrels, even when there is nothing to quarrel about. Don’t forget one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Some men like their wives big, while some like theirs slim.

    However, healthy living is the solution to the problem. Henceforth, your diet has to change not for a period of time, but for life. You need to see this process as a change of lifestyle. Healthy diet doesn’t seem to make as much impact on us as the habits we’ve grown up with. For example, how many of us ate yoghurt when we were children? Probably the only spaghetti most of us ate in the past tends to come out of a tin. A meal wasn’t a meal, if it didn’t have a piece of meat followed by chilled drinks. We have broadened our taste buds in the last few years. The next step should be to make further changes to our eating habit in order to change the proportions of different nutrients, giving us healthier balance. Healthy eating should not be difficult to achieve, especially as there are now varieties of nutritious meals to choose from. There are some helpful guidelines you can follow with confidence:

    Set realistic targets. Let your targets be what you can achieve at the end of the day. Remember you did not gain the weight in one day, so it’s going to take a while for you to shed off the weight.

    Major overhauls to your meals which involve drastic cutbacks or punishing regimes don’t work. You are more likely to stick to smaller, gradual changes.  Frankly, highly restricted diets which involve going without certain groups of foods can even be harmful, unless you do so under the supervision of a professional.

    Moreover, stick to two or three moderately sized meals each day, rather than semi-starving yourself for much of the day and having one mega-sized meal to compensate. This is because your digestive system works better on a regular supply of food.

    Snacking in between meals is fine, provided you do in a healthy way. For example, a piece of fruit or raw vegetable which provides proportionate vitamins, minerals and fibre will do.

    Furthermore, increase your intake of unrefined cereals (whole meal bread, pasta and rice).

    Don’t forget to reduce your intake of saturated fats (the fats mainly found in animal-origin products).

    Aim to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day.

    Your programme is incomplete, if you don’t add exercise to it. One of the best ways to keep healthy and keep your weight down is to get regular exercise. You need activity to make it work. Remember, you don’t have to do anything too difficult. A lot of things you do for fun are great exercise, like dancing, swimming or going for brisk walks.  Short periods of exercise several times a week will do you better than a fortnight’s inactivity punctuated by a single exhausting afternoon. Aim to get to the stage where you miss exercising, if you’re prevented from doing it for more than a few days. You can actually exercise on your own or register with a gym. If it helps, have a fix time and date mark in your diary. Good luck, as you turn to a healthy lifestyle for yourself and for your marriage.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • We can defeat violence with education – Obaji

    We can defeat violence with education – Obaji

    Philip Obaji Jr. is the founder of the 1 GAME Campaigns advocating basic primary education for the over 10.5 million out-of-school children in Nigeria. Obaji, who is also a Global Youth Ambassador, spoke to David Lawal on Boko Haram and it political undertone, Chibok girls and government’s role in education. 

    Kindly give a brief insight into your background?

    I was born on August 8, 1985 in a town called Ogoja in Northern Cross River State. I am the founder of the 1 GAME Campaign, which promotes basic primary education for vulnerable kids in Nigeria. I am widely known for my activism for rights to education for Children, especially in Northeastern Nigeria. I’m a graduate of Marine Biology from the University of Calabar; a Global Youth Ambassador for United Nations critical education partner, A World at School; a member of International Network for Education in Emergencies; and a champion of Global Partnership for Education. Back home, I am an Executive Committee member of the Cross River State Football Association. I am soft spoken, a Roman Catholic and a man of peace. I believe in Nigeria and in every citizen of this country. And I want to play a role in making it a better place for all of us.

    How long have you been into education advocacy?

    I’ve been working for close to five (5) years now in education advocacy. It all started in 2010 when 1 GAME Campaign was founded.

    What informed your decision to start education advocacy?

    In 2009, I travelled to Ogoja where I was born. I had not visited the town since my family moved in 1988 when I was just three years old. I wanted to learn more about the place I first lived as a child.

    I have had numerous conversations with my father about Ogoja, and he would often speak about its people, and how he missed them and their culture. Once arriving in Ogoja after a six-hour journey from Calabar, where I live, I was greeted by a group of young boys and girls at the bus stop, who rushed to me, begging for money.

    The children were between six and fourteen years. When I asked them where they came from, they confessed that they were ‘Almajiris’ from Northern Nigeria.

    They had followed a lorry transporting goods from Maiduguri in Borno State to Ogoja. They said they jumped into the lorry without knowing the driver and had no idea of where the vehicle was heading.

    I was overwhelmed by the presence of so many out-of-school children and could not stop thinking about their plight and how to solve this crisis.

    Thereafter I found 1 GAME Campaign aiming specifically at Almajiris helping them to enrol and complete their basic education. The name ‘1 GAME’ means that anyone involved in the campaign is asked to defeat violence, illiteracy and poverty – using education as a tool.

    What is your disposition to the target on children across the world?

    There is absolutely no justification for the target on children. Terrorists all over the world target children in order to strike fear and gain publicity.

    Boko Haram for instance, gained global acclaim after the Chibok abductions. They got exactly what they were looking for. There are lots of similarities between Boko Haram which operates here in Nigeria, and the Taliban which operates in Pakistan.

    While they both want to enforce full Sharia Law all over Nigeria and Pakistan respectively, they also wanObajit to ensure that there is no place for western education in the areas they operate.

    But let’s not also forget that beyond these things, there is a political undertone to their existence.

    About a year since the abduction of school girls from Chibok, what are the chances of seeing the return of these girls?

    Honestly, no one is sure about the where about or wellbeing of the Chibok girls except their captors. There have been lots of rumours about them.

    In fact, as we speak, there’s a video circulating around Maiduguri purportedly showing Boko Haram militants raping young girls and shooting those who refused to get laid.

    Many people who have seen this video say the girls in the footage are the abducted Chibok girls, but I haven’t been able to get anyone to confirm if that’s true.

    I can’t really say for sure if the Chibok girls are alive or dead or if they are safe where they are. Since there hasn’t been a word for some months from Boko Haram about the girls, no one can be sure about their wellbeing, and whether or not they’ll return.

    Considering the present state of education in Nigeria, where do you think we got it wrong?

    It started from the attitude of the government, and the trend is still continuing. The problem with Nigeria’s education has to do with poor planning, poor funding, and in some quarters, corruption. Take primary education, for instance, the Universal Basic Education Scheme was designed to provide compulsory, free education up to Junior Secondary levels, to be funded by both the Federal and State Governments. The Federal Government keeps 2 percent of the Consolidated Revenue Fund into the scheme and allocates money to the states when the states contribute its matching amounts.

    However, we’ve found out that most of the states never made their matching grants, denying themselves access to the funds; and in states where they had been given the grants, the education sector there is still pathetic. That tells you that these governments are not making education their priority.

    The population of out-of-school children in Nigeria according to UNESCO is equal to the total population of the entire Czech Republic (10.5 million), who do you think is responsible for this?

    The government has the biggest role to play in ensuring Education for All. In 2000, at the World Education Forum in Dakar, Senegal, 180 countries including Nigeria signed up to make the six goals of Education For All happen, committing to putting legal frameworks, policies and finance in place so that everyone, no matter what their circumstances, could have an education – one that is available, accessible, acceptable and adaptable.

    The richest countries pledged to help make Education for All a reality by committing to principles of international cooperation towards those countries with fewer financial resources.

    Commitment towards the right to education was also reflected in the United Nations Millennium Development Goals, set in 2000 with a deadline for achievement by 2015.

    Out of the eight Millennium Development Goals, two focus on education. Both the EFA and MDG goals are all centred on what governments should do, and not what parents or children should do to create access to education.

    But as much as the government has a huge role to play, we as citizens must encourage and drive our children to education. Teachers must inspire. Principals must lead. Parents must instil a thirst for learning. And students have got to do the work in school. And if we can all do this together, I assure you we will build great ideas and push this nation away from the stronghold of extremists.

    What’s your advice to government on providing education for all?

    The government must show more seriousness in achieving the goals of Education for All. Education is achievable if government mobilises the political will and available resources. The government must recognise that education is a universal human right; that it is the key to poverty alleviation and sustainable human development; and of course, education is its core responsibility. In doing so, it must ensure increased provision of quality early childhood education and care; the eradication of adult illiteracy and a second chance to learn for youth and adults who miss out on formal schooling; an end to child labour; democratic participation of, and accountability to, civil society, including teachers and their unions, in education decision-making at all levels; fair and regular salaries for teachers; properly equipped classrooms and a supply of quality textbooks; inclusive and non-discriminatory provision of services for all; the mobilization of political will and new resources in support of National Education plans to realize the EFA Goals, including adequate public expenditure of at least 6 percent of GNP. Without this in place, it would be difficult to achieve Education for All.

    In doing so, it must ensure increased provision of quality early childhood education and care; the eradication of adult illiteracy and a second chance to learn for youth and adults who miss out on formal schooling; an end to child labour; democratic participation of, and accountability to, civil society, including teachers and their unions, in education decision-making at all levels; fair and regular salaries for teachers; properly equipped classrooms and a supply of quality textbooks; inclusive and non-discriminatory provision of services for all; the mobilization of political will and new resources in support of National Education plans to realize the EFA Goals, including adequate public expenditure of at least 6 percent of GNP. Without this in place, it would be difficult to achieve Education for All.

  • How do I cope with my wife?

    Hello Madam Harriet,

    Thanks for your good work. I enjoy reading your page because there is always something to learn. Please madam; I want your advice on my relationship. I met my woman 13 years ago. We got our first child after some years and we recently had our third child last year. We only started living together recently, although our marriage is unofficial. I found out I’m the only one that truly loves, showing love and care about everything. She’s someone with quiet and sluggish attitude even in thoughts. She believes in expressing her love and care inside of her without actions which she lacks. I’ve talked with her a lot, but she won’t listen and every discussion turns to grudges, even after morning prayers. I’m a year older than her and I guess she does things wrongly with this advantage of age barrier. I’m a very playful person and I hate dull moments, but she never welcomes any expression of feelings. She makes our home to be so boring for me and this makes me sad most times. Only God and my kids are just the source of my happiness at home. She has never requested for sex since I met her and I have to force her before having sex with her. Her sexual stress pushed me out to start having affairs which I want to stop.  I always get too nice with ladies that if care is not taken with these affairs, I might end up with a mistress which I see as a disaster.  My woman has never respected me when we are alone, but in the sight of people, she’s the best. She talks anyhow to me with no respect. She does things at her convenient time. She has responses to everything I say and have silly chuckles. She makes me hit her when I can’t bear her foul actions. She’s my first love and  always makes me regret getting hooked to her. She once said she regretted getting married to me. Imagine! Every time I go to her for advice, her responses are discouraging. We just moved to our house a few months which she rarely visited during construction, but all she could do was to complain about how everything was wrongly place in the house. I’ve reported her to her parents, her only friend and even our church pastor, but still there is no change. The worst part is that she doesn’t know how to apologize. We’ve agreed on getting married officially by August this year, but my fear is can I continue with this bad-mannered and moody woman that never shows me love at home? Ma, I’m forcing her to love me and trying all my best to make her smile. The way she approaches me is always disrespectful. I’ve always planned to leave home, but I can’t leave my kids for just one day without missing them. I never get appreciated by my wife. I get satisfaction outside than my home by all love standards. Just a few days ago, I was hungry since she is never up early. I decided to make something for myself. Just as I was eating, she came out to nag me. I later slapped her.  I hardly get angry, but she always pushes me to the wall which I don’t like. Ma, I want a break and before then, I need your marital advice because I need true love and happiness in my home. Please, help with your advice.

     

    God Bless you.

    Akin O., Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us. We are really very grateful. In many varied circumstances, man and woman counter complain against each other when it comes to leaving together. Bearing in mind that these are different persons from different backgrounds with different personalities, coming together to live as one. It is the greatest challenge ever. The only way out is actually understanding each other’s strengthes and weaknesses. Our differences are what make us unique. However, the question that comes to mind is: what was the initial attraction because you have known her for years now. There must be some kind of love that existed between you and your partner, so what went wrong is the big question that we should try and find out because people express their worries or problems in different ways. In your case, you might feel that you are doing everything to make her happy. That’s your story What is her story? In every relationship, each partner has expectations. It is always important to make these expectations explicit. The best way is through communication. I am happy to know that you have talked a lot to your partner about how her action is affecting you, but on her own, she will not listen. For communication to be effective, the following must be put into consideration: What is being communicated. How is it being communicated. When is it being communicated. Through good communication, initial problems will be discovered and resolved before growing into  bigger problems because through interaction, a bond is created between partners and it gets stronger by the day. Through this process, partners will know each other’s needs. It gives the sense of team work, removes barriers and obstacles. Furthermore, when there is problem at home, having extramarital affair with someone else is never the solution to the problem. Instead, it destroys the situation completely. For example, to the lady out there, she will do everything for you to see her as the best thing that happens to you. She will try to avoid all the wrongs that you must have told her about your partner. Come to think of it, how much time do you spend with her to claim that you know her well enough. You might feel she makes you happy and has everything you need in a woman. Infidelity destroys a home. Relationship has its ups and downs. The way forward is to tackle the issues as they come. A lot must be put into consideration in decision-making, especially when children are involved. The effect of separation on children is a tough one, so before taking any action, partners should try and resolve their problems, seek professional help, if need be  who will take you and your partner through the process in confidentiality. However, you might ask the question why me, why not her changing her ways to make it work. Well, it takes one person to make a change. Remember you can only change yourself and through the new you, the other person will learn to change as well. Again, there’s no excuse for domestic violence no matter what she said or how she pushed you to it. Don’t hit her because once you start, there will be no end to it. A man should learn to control himself when it comes to dealing with women.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.