Category: Sister’s Only

  • 7 Things to look for in an amazing friendship

    I CAME across this article and I think we can learn a little something from it. But the truth really is that I’m under the weather and I’ve been off work so I can get well soon. However please do take your time and read this interesting piece.

    I have several friends who I’m proud to say that together we have an amazing friendship…The ones I can be as crazy as I want and they’d still be there to smile with me.

    Here are several ways to identify these amazing friendships so you can cherish them.

    1. You are always learning from their friendship and vice-versa

    You are learning from them in so many subtle ways that it’s mind blowing once you take a moment to step back and look. They improve you as a person, they give you valuable advice, and they provide honest feedback that makes you become the person you want to be. You also learn how to be yourself around them.

    This relationship works both ways; the truly amazing friendship are two-sided in which you reciprocate and provide value to your friend. Just as they are your teacher, you are theirs.

    2. You empathize on a whole different level

    Empathy is very important and it is necessary to maintain a solid framework for a working relationship (even platonic ones.) However, in this special sort of relationship, it’s just not just empathy that you feel but there is a whole new level of emotional investment on your part.

    You desperately wish for them to succeed in everything they do. It hurts you when they’re sad and you just want them to keep moving forward. It’s good to have these feelings for all of your friends and family, but this relationship is more. You invest in them without expecting anything in return.

    3. You look to emulate them

    Everything they do amazes you. It seems like they have this magnetic force among them when you are spending time together which just puts you in your most content mindset.

    There are things they do or say, or perhaps even how they act that makes you wonder if it is possible for you to follow in their footsteps. You notice subtle features no one else does and run it through your head for whether or not it suits you because you want to be just like them.

     

     

  • Should you please a man with your looks?

    WE’VE heard many times that “looking good is good business”. Whether or not you do a white-collar job, you owe it to yourself to look good. In fact, you should always look your best if possible. It’s abysmal to think trying to look presentable is vanity. Looking good becomes vanity when you have excessive pride in your appearance. So there is a difference between looking good and having pride in you. Looking good is an expression of confidence and self-worth and not the parade of pride.

    Though having a good dress sense is an asset for some. However, if it doesn’t come naturally, it can be learned. Failing to appear presentable is inexcusable because what is not inherent can be acquired. In fact, the beauty about life is the ability to create what was not there before. Remember, according a biblical account, we are a product of what was not there before. Indeed we are fashioned to create and that is the only time we are fulfilling God’s purpose in our life. God Himself is a creator, so life is about being creative.

    Sometime, people make tough times an excuse for not looking good. They forget that touch time never lasts, but touch people do. Challenges never last forever, so if you let them control your life, they will create a world too small for you. Also, the looks that you choose, the countenance that you wear during your trying time, will remain with you, even when the challenges have disappeared. You need to devise positive ways of dealing with challenges rather than just succumbing to depression. The reason is that prevention is better than cure.

    The skin problem that you create from poor maintenance is more expensive and takes long time to fix.  Some people you see around looking older than their real age is as a result of their attitude to life. Looking good is a total package; it is not about just appearing in nice clothing. When you have the right attitude, your beauty oozes from inside out. Apart from making effort to keep the physical body clean and wearing what fits. It is also important to cultivate the right attitude to dealing with unpleasant situations because the right attitude will take you farther than where looking good and stepping out in fine clothes can take you. Having said that, the right attitude will not produce result, if physically, you fail to attract people to yourself with your looks. You may have the best attitude, but people may never get to find out if you are not appealing. Someone needs to get attracted to you first, before they can get to find out how wonderful you are on the inside. In looking good, you have to consider these two things: The physical appearance as well as the positive mental attitude. If you are physically on point and your attitude is bad, truth is you will attract people no doubt, but the people you attract will not remain in your life. It is impossible to sustain a relationso>?

    hip without taking cognizance of these things.

    Gone are those days when you could tell a woman’s age from her looks. By simply looking at a lady in those years of our mother’s generation, you could tell the person’s age. But with advancement in beauty treatment, women and even men now look ten years younger than their real ages. It was a trend that started among entertainers globally and gradually spread cross because beauty is a virtue. But despite the evolution in beauty treatment and cosmetology, some people are still obstinate and refused to be motivated. If you have a bias for chemical based cosmetics, why not try the natural ones. There are loads of natural treatments for various skin purposes. So I’m not saying you have to use make-up. But just try and look good the natural way and people will still appreciate you.

    The motivation for writing this piece came from my close friend. We live together as a matter of fact. Last weekend happened to be my brother’s wedding. We had over four months to prepare for that unique day in the life of my brother and his beautiful wife. At  a first glance, the first thing that strikes you about Biola, my sister- in-law, is her pristine beauty and grace. Permit me to say that you want to have her as a sister-in-law, even before you’d truly met with her.

    Anyway, to go straight to the point, like I said, we had great plans for their wedding, including Lara, who is more like a family member than a friend. That fateful day came and we gathered in my mum’s room to take turns before her massive mirror one after the other. As we were putting together accessories for the wedding, my friend suddenly developed cold feet. Then, I began to hurry her up as we were already behind schedule, but I noticed she kept gazing at the mirror. After about 20 minutes, she broke down in tears. I guessed she felt that was a more effective way to inform us she’s staying back, that she would not be attending the wedding. She got our attention but little did we realise that the image she saw in the mirror was the reason she broke down in tears. When she found her voice, after much persuasion from us, she said, can’t you see my face? I’ve got eczema all over my face. I’m too shy to step out looking like this.

    We looked at her face; truly it was covered with eczema. Not quite a month, I called her attention to some eczema I saw on her face, but I had no idea that it has covered all her face because we agreed that she should attack it headlong. Lara being a single mum who I am aware looks forward to dating after her separation from her ex, I told her she had to look for a cure for the eczema, else it could work against her getting the kind of guy she desires. Lara my friend is naturally beautiful. She’s not into make-up, but her skin and dress sense made guys fall at her feet when they passed by her. But after her marriage crash, she started to pay less attention to herself. I warned her about it, but I recall her jokingly saying that she couldn’t even remember when last she looked at herself in a mirror.

    She was so nonchalant about looking good. It didn’t mean much to her anymore. The irony, however, is the fact that after five years of separating from her ex, she truly wants a man she can call her own, except that she’s lost the will to look good for herself. She’s properly waiting for the man to come and motivate her to look good for him, but I absolutely disagree. You shouldn’t look good for a man. Yes, you heard me. Don’t look for a man. Rather you should look good for yourself. Looking good should not be an option. When you look good for yourself, you will attract the kind of man that you desire. But when you need a man to motivate you to look good, the man you desire will not be attracted to you, simple.

    I am saying this because I know, and I heard this expression this week. “I want to look good for Tunde”. You shouldn’t live your life in such a way that, you need a particular person in your life to make you happy, to motivate you to be who you should be. It is wrong! It is a failure’s mentality. Man, being who we are, is bound to disappoint sometime deliberately and sometime unintentionally. When you leave your life independent of the other person, when they come into your life, it is to complement what is already there. But if a man doesn’t find something he can complement, he’s usually unwilling to stay.

    Life is about being productive; and if you need someone to be productive in life, you may never become productive. It is something you owe to God and yourself. God created man and man is expected to be creative.

    As I draw the curtain here on today’s topic, I ask again, should you look good for a man? Let me also use this medium to ask, if anyone knows what works for eczema. If you have an idea of what works for eczema please don’t hesitate to send me a text. Thank You!

    And as we prepare for the New Year Celebration, look your best and don’t forget to make those New Year resolutions that will cause the changes you hope to see in the coming year.

  • Are you a main chic or side babe?

    I CAME across these words main chic and side babe a couple of days ago. There will always be a main chic, just like there will always be a side babe. The choice is yours to make.

    For every relationship you have kept, you are either the main chic or the side babe. Sometime too, you could be a main chic somewhere and be the side babe somewhere else.

    How do you know when you are the main chic or the side babe? We need to figure these things out because of the naïve once among us. Being naïve is not the same thing as being stupid. Being naïve is being inexperienced and inexperience can make you walk into a relationship as the side babe, thinking you are the main chic.

    I recall an incident that happened in my church. When a babe who was very resourceful and earning well at her place of work fell for a guy who promised her marriage. She was so naïve that she believed she was the main chic, but unknowing to her she was the side babe.

    Experience will teach you to juxtapose someone’s words with his actions. If he says one thing and does something else, without providing explanation beyond reasonable doubt, then you might have to take your time more. Just by keeping to yourself at times and just watching how he reacts can tell you if he cares or not.

    You are in a relationship and you notice that if you don’t call him, you don’t get to talk for days on end, until you decide to call him again, you are a side babe. It’s as simple as that. If he calls you only when he needs sex or financial assistance, you are a side babe. If he doesn’t always pick your calls when you call him, but returns them much later that day or doesn’t even return them at all, you are a side babe.

    When you fight him repeatedly for not calling, and he keeps giving the excuse that he doesn’t have a good calling habit, you are a side babe. If you are the only one who goes to his house when he needs you, and not necessarily when you want to see him and he never comes to see you at your house, you are a side babe. It doesn’t take rocket science to know these things.

    There are many ways to know. It is not limited to these ones I have mentioned.

    When you are in love, the gloss over your eyes makes you make excuse for the one you love.

    But true love is a two-way thing. If you don’t do the calling alone, you are the main chic. If you see him when you want to see him and not when he feels like seeing you, you are definitely the main chic. If you can talk freely with him without the fear of him dumping you, you are the main chic. If he’s there for you when you need him, you are the main chic.

    Back to my church member, Chi, not the full name, met Sunday who was trading in auto spare parts in the popular Ladipo Market. When they met and Sunday realised that she was earning well at her place of work, he decided to play at love just to get material things from her.

    If he demands money from you all the time you are definitely a side babe. A man can be in need, but he should not always demand financially. It’s not in the place of man to do that. It’s a different thing if you offer to help.

    As the relationship progressed, he promised her marriage. Chi was so overjoyed that she decided to surprise him with a car gift. Their relationship revolved around money. Sunday was always in need of one thing or the other which she always fixed. She became Miss Fix It. All these she did in good faith because she wanted him to be comfortable. Beside, there was already an understanding between them to spend the rest of their lives together. So, Chi felt whatever favour she did him, she was doing for herself. She already started seeing them as an item. But a Christmas came and Sunday was planning to make a trip to the village as usual. Chi too wanted to travel so she insisted that they rode together which he agreed. He agreed because he had demanded a lot of money from her to shop for the season for his family back home. So he couldn’t deny her his company to the east that Christmas period. But when they got to the east, they went their separate ways against the will of Chi who was already looking forward to meeting with Sunday’s family. But Sunny, as he was fondly called, pleaded with her to go to her hometown, but promised to come and see her two days later and bring her to meet with his people.

    Wonders, they say, would never end. Sorry to digress a bit, a colleague of mine who said he enjoyed reading my column asked me to confess, if the things I write are true life stories. I told him yes. He was surprised. But truth is life is stranger than fiction. This is a true life story like others I have written in the past.

    On the day Sunny promised to pick Chi up at her hometown so she could meet his people was actually the day he was getting married to another lady. Chi, of course, didn’t know what was going on.

    She woke up that morning feeling on top of the world because her beau was coming. But instead of Sunny’s calls, it was a friend of his who felt he had been unfair to her despite all she did for him that called her on that fate day and informed her of Sunny’s wedding to someone else.

    In order for her to know he wasn’t lying to her, he sent her a text, stating the address of the wedding reception. Despite the clue, Chi couldn’t believe that Sunny could do a thing so cruel to her, not after all she had done for him and the affection she showed him. However, she decided to see things for herself. Chi still thought it was all a prank and was hoping to be surprised by Sunny in a good way.

    According to her, she thought he had to play that prank just because he couldn’t come and pick her up as promised, but didn’t know how to inform her of the change of plans. She thought he wanted her to come on that day all the same.

    While on her way, she began to think of the possibility of the whole thing being true.  She began to reminisce on how Sunday kept demanding for money during that period not knowing he was using the money to plan his marriage with someone else.

    Was Chi stupid? No, my personal opinion. I think she was just inexperienced. She felt there was nothing wrong in helping her man becoming financially independent. Of course, there is nothing wrong in a lady assisting her man to be financially independent. If she’s in the position, but she needs to be able to decipher if it’s only the money that binds them together. She needs to check and make sure those other things I listed above are not a regular occurrence in her relationship. She needs to be sure she’s not being taking for granted.

    Well, it turned out to be true. She saw for herself. Chi was so heartbroken after that incident. All along, she had been the side babe without knowing. She was so furious that she threatened to arrest him so he could return some of the things she had given to him like the car and some other things. But after much intervention, she decided let go. It wasn’t too long after then that she met someone else in church and they got married.

    You don’t have to be the side babe, if it’s not by choice. In her case, it was not her choice to be the side babe. She was just a victim of her own naivety. And Sunny took advantage of it.

    A lot of sisters end up been the side babes when they really want to be the main chic. It’s so easy to slide into that position. All it takes is for you to turn a blind eye to certain things in your relationship. When he tries to take you for granted and you don’t let him have his way, a guy who is not ready for a serious relationship will stylishly take a walk.

    Sometimes, I wonder how guys manage to get away with so much lies. You can afford to be naïve when you are in your teens, but as you get matured, you should learn to decipher someone’s action. If you are not clear on someone character or on how someone treats you that you don’t like, speak to someone who is better experienced. Ask questions. Don’t just turn a blind eye to it because you are afraid he will walk away if you raise the issue with him. When you feel like that, it’s a sign that you are not the main chic. A main chic is comfortable in her relationship and feels free to air her opinion. If he bullies, shots you down whenever you try to call his attention to something you don’t like, you are not the main chic.

    This is where I am going to stop on main chic or side babe. As usual, I want to hear your opinion on the topic. Apart from some of the things I have mentioned in this write- up, in your opinion, how do you know when you are the main chic or side babe?

    Please, let’s share our experiences with others, so they don’t waste their time in fruitless relationships when they actually desire a serious relationship that can lead to marriage.

     

  • She left me because I was poor; so what does she want now? (3)

    As you can imagine, my wife’s abrupt and unexpected departure from our home left me confused and sad. At first, I just sat staring blankly at the wall in the living room, unable to function. Later, when the twins began crying for food, I had to get up and prepare breakfast for them. That was the beginning. From that point, I became a father, mother and nurse maid to the boys. Initially, they asked for their mother. But after a while, they stopped pestering me about when ‘Mummy would return from the village to visit ‘Grandma’ as I had told them.

    God knows I made a lot of efforts to get her back but all yielded no fruit. I even travelled to her village to inform her mother and family about what was going on in my home. They told me they had neither seen nor heard from her for months and did not know where she was. The same with her friends when I contacted them; they denied knowing where she presently lived.

    It was only one, Brenda who probably took pity on me and confessed that my wife had warned her not to tell me where she had moved to.

    “Sherri’s staying with one man she calls her ‘husband’. I saw her once with the man while she was still living with you but she never told me she was having an affair with him. I thought they were just friends. Anyway, I don’t like what she has done and I told her so when I went to see her recently,” Brenda said.

    She then gave me the address of my wife’s new abode. One Saturday morning, my friend Larry drove me down to the place so we could cajole her to return home. For despite what she had done, the truth was that I still loved Sherri and I was ready to accept her back if she was willing to.

    But it was a wasted journey. Sherri, on sighting us at the door of the new-looking bungalow where she lived started shouting that if we did not leave at once, she would call the police and ‘have us locked up!’

    “Dan or whatever your name is, you have the guts to come to my new husband’s home! You are not even afraid! I think the poverty afflicting you has affected your brain! You better leave before I call the police!”

    “Please, why don’t you just listen to us, Sherri. Dan wants you back home. Just pack your things and let’s go,” said Larry.

    “Go where? This is my home now! This is where I belong. The earlier this stupid friend of yours realize our marriage is over, the better! You are lucky my husband is not home, or you people would have seen ‘fire’ today!”

    I spoke up then.

    “It hasn’t come to that, Sherri. You are still my wife and the mother of my children. The twins keep asking after you. Don’t you even miss them? Why don’t you come home and see them?”

    “You want me to come home! Alright, wait here let me get my bag,” she said, going into the house.

    A short while later, she returned with a bucket of water which she threw on us! Worse, the water was mixed with pepper; so we were not just soaked to the skin, we had itchy skin from the pepper.

    As we walked towards the gate looking like drenched cats, Sherri kept pouring curses and invectives on us.

    “So, you are leaving? Stay now! Useless, jobless idiots! You have nothing better to do than come here to harass another man’s wife so early in the day. The next time I see your ‘k leg’ in this compound, it’s acid I will pour on you, not just ‘pepper water’. Yeye people! You want to come and put ‘sand sand in my garri’, spoil all the fun I’m having in my new home. Nonsense!..

     

    Family meeting

    After that nasty experience, I did not see my wife again till some weeks later. It was at a family meeting that was convened to resolve the matter between us. At the gathering presided over by an elderly Uncle of hers who was the family head, my wife remained obdurate. The old man precisely told her that as far as the family was concerned, I was the only husband they knew; he even ordered her to move back to our home.

    “You have no excuse whatsoever for abandoning your matrimonial home and moving to another man’s house. So what if he is currently having difficulties because of his failed business ventures. So? Is he the first man to fail in business and go broke? If every wife abandons her home just because the husband is broke, do you know how many broken homes we will have in the society? What kind of irresponsible behaviour is that? If your father were alive today, he will be very angry with you! I don’t know where you got this bad character from because women in our family don’t behave in this manner. This young man was good to you and also the family when the going was good. It’s your duty as a wife to stand by him now that things are rough. That is what marriage is, full of ups and downs. It’s not rosy all the time! You don’t run away at the slightest hint of trouble and move into another man’s house!”

    “This your so-called new husband is unknown to us. We don’t know that man! It’s our son-in-law here, Dan we know. So, go and pack your things at once and go back to your home. Go and take care of your children and family. That is my final decision and that of this family!”

    I was very happy at the decision and was hopeful that it would put an end to Sherri and I’s estrangement. How wrong I was! Sherri defied her family’s order to return home and continued to stay with her new man. To make matters worse, she even threatened to get custody of the twins through the courts if I did not stop harassing her about returning. She already had Karen, our baby daughter and I did not want to lose my sons. It was tough bringing them up on my own but I would rather go through all that stress of raising the boys than allow them brought up in another man’s home.

    I decided to leave everything to fate and focus on my boys as well as resuscitating my business. With Larry’s support, things began to pick up for me gradually. A few jobs here and there enabled me acquire some capital with which I began doing business again. Then, to my joy, Larry’s business partner in China finally agreed to do business with me on a credit basis based on his recommendation. That turned out to be a major breakthrough for me. I sold the first consignment of goods he shipped to me and promptly remitted the money to him. He was so happy that I met up with the contractual agreement on time that he agreed to do business with me on a long term business.

    With that connection and a few others, I started making money again. I moved out of the house we were living into a bigger place in a nicer neighbourhood. I even got a maid to take care of the house and twins who were growing fast. Then, nearly two years after my wife left me, I started seeing another lady. Doreen was a member of our church. I used to see her around the church but we did not become close until we both became members of a committee set up for a building project in the church headquarters.

    All along, I had stayed away from women because of my experience with my wife. Besides, I always felt at the back of my mind that Sherri might return home one day and what would happen when that day came and another woman had taken her place. But when two years passed with no sign of her, I finally gave up especially when I heard she had had a baby for her new man. I decided to put the past behind me and forge on with my life.

    It was at this point that Doreen and I started seeing each other. We grew to love each other and best of all, she loved my boys and was always caring towards them. After I had studied her for a while, I made up my mind and decided to marry her. Larry and all my family members were all in support of the union. So, five months ago, they all accompanied me to her father’s house in Benin and we did the introduction and other traditional marriage rites.

    Since then, we have been living happily together as a couple. Her coming into my life has brought so much blessings, it’s like a new beginning for me. My business is doing so well that I’m nearly at the level I was three years before when my goods were seized at the ports.

    I’m at a good place now and I thank God for everything. The only problem now is my former wife Sherri. She suddenly resurfaced in my life after three years of absence begging me to take her back! Imagine that! This is a woman that caused me so much pain and heartache and just when things were going well for me again, she wants to return.

    It turned out that the man she was living with had a wife who was based abroad. The woman, who owned the house and all the other properties they had been enjoying, suddenly returned to Nigeria one morning. She threw Sherri and her children out, locked up the house and took her husband with her back to her base abroad.

    With no where to go, Sherri felt she had no option but to come back to me! Anyway, I told her when she came to see me in my new office that there was no ‘vacancy’ at home anymore, that her place had been taken by a woman who understood what real love and marriage meant.

    She has been going about telling all my friends and family members to plead with me to forgive her and take her back. I always tell them that can only happen when ‘pigs start flying’ meaning never!

    Why would I take a woman back who abandoned me at my hour of need? Who almost blinded me with the water and pepper concoction she poured on my friend and I? In fact, her misdeeds are too many to mention here.

    The only concession I have is to send her an allowance regularly at least for the upkeep of my daughter Karen so the little girl will not suffer because of her mother’s bad behaviour. With time, I plan getting custody of the child so she can be with her brothers.

    I’m writing this so the young guys out there who want to marry should learn to choose their partners carefully. Look for a lady who loves you enough to remain with you even when things are not going well, not the one that will run away like my ex-wife just because I lost all my money and became poor.

     

    Concluded

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator, his wife and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • She left me because I was poor; so what does she want now? (2)

    The twins were about two years old when the incident that nearly brought my life to an end occurred. It was a call from my clearing agent that started it all. I remember it was early in the morning as I was preparing to take my wife who was pregnant again to her antenatal and to see her doctor before heading to my office.

    Paddy, my agent called to break the terrible news that my goods which had arrived that week had been seized by Customs!

    “What happened?” I shouted, slumping heavily on the bed at his words.

    Sherri who was fixing her hair turned from the dressing mirror, looking at me worriedly. She dropped the hair brush and rushed to my side.

    “Honey, what is it?” she asked anxiously, placing her hand on my shoulder.

    I placed a finger on my lips to silence her as I listened intently to Paddy on the phone. The more he spoke, the more worried I became. This could not be happening to me, I thought suddenly feeling dizzy.

    The call ended and I jumped up from the bed. Picking up my car keys, I headed for the door.

    “Dear, I have to go! There is an emergency at the Port! Will explain later!” I said.

    “But Dan, what about my antenatal and the appointment with the doctor? We were supposed to see him today, remember?” she stated, coming after me to the living room.

    “Sorry, dear, it has to be rescheduled. Tony will drop you at the hospital before joining me at the Port. You can take a taxi back home when you are done. There’s some money in the drawer in the bedroom. I’ve to go!” I said, hurrying out.

    I still remember the events of that day like it just happened recently. I remember rushing to the Port to meet my agent who gave me the full details of what led to the seizure of my goods.

    The matter is a criminal offence so I can’t really give the full picture but just a brief sketch. It turned out that my business partner and friend, whom we often import goods together had added some ‘contraband’ items to his own consignment without my knowledge. When they were discovered during routine checks, my goods were seized along with his since they were shipped together. What saved me from being prosecuted was that my partner confessed he acted alone without my involvement. That however could not save my goods which were confiscated and auctioned off.

    The bottom line is I lost everything- my goods, my money even my house. I had used it as a collateral to get a loan from the bank which I added to my own funds to import the goods. It was a short term loan and when the time to pay came and I could not meet up, the bank took the house, cars and other properties to settle the amount I had borrowed.

    I was back to ‘zero’- no home, money, nothing! As you can imagine, it was a terrible time for me and my family. We were nearly homeless, so we had to squat with my younger brother Tony who had moved to a small apartment after my marriage for a while. It was while there that Sherri gave birth to our daughter Karen. With her arrival, things became tougher as there was an extra mouth to feed. Tony had a fiancée who made it clear we were not welcome in their home. To avoid further insults from her, I borrowed some money from my brother who still had some savings with which we moved to a one bedroom mini-flat in another part of town.

    At the beginning of our problems, my wife supported me and was understanding. But after sometime, her attitude began changing. Either she was always complaining about the cramped space we lived in a seedy environment or that I was not giving her enough money for baby food or to buy clothes for the children.

    “The twins’ clothes need changing as they have outgrown them. Karen’s food is finished. I need money,” she said one day.

    “But dear, you know I don’t have any money. The N5,000 I collected from Larry three days ago, I gave it all to you. Don’t tell me you have spent everything! You have to be more prudent with your spending now because of our situation!” I stated.

    “What? Are you now questioning me about how I spent 5k? What is N5,000? Is that money? Is that what your mates give their wives?” she stated in an angry tone.

    “How can you talk like that, Sherri? You know when we had money, I used to give you thousands of Naira for your clothes alone! So, why are you…?” I started saying before she cut me short.

    “That was then, this is now! Now, you are messing up big time. You are no longer living up to your responsibilities as a husband and father. Instead of going out to ‘hustle’ like other men, you sit here all day complaining about my spending habits and watching stupid football games. Nonsense!” she shouted before going into the bedroom to pick up the baby who had woken up and was crying.

    From the way she spoke, one would think I was simply lazying around all day long at home, doing nothing. It was not so. I went out nearly everyday to look for ways of restarting my ruined business but it was tough. There was simply no money and none of my friends were ready to give me loans to start again. Only very few like Larry were supportive and gave me some financial assistance with which we bought food and other necessities. I even thought about getting a job no matter how small at least to get money to feed my family. But jobs were scarce and all the places I had gone to for work informed me there were no vacancies.

     

    Broken family

    Sherri’s attitude worsened with each passing day. It got to a stage she stopped giving me food at home, stating that the food was meant for her as a nursing mother and the children and I had to go out and ‘sort myself out’ as she put it. I had to make arrangements with a woman who ran a local restaurant, a ‘buka’ near my house to be eating there at least once a day on credit or I would have starved. I would settle her whenever I got a little money from my friend, Larry.

    “Apart from not giving me food, do you know she doesn’t allow me to sleep with her anymore?” I said one day when I went to see Larry at his office in Ikeja.

    “Why? She is your wife! Why would she deny you sex?” he enquired.

    “I don’t understand Sherri anymore o! The woman has changed so much! Her excuse is that she doesn’t want to get pregnant again as we don’t even have money to feed the three we have already!” I replied.

    “That’s not a good excuse. Has she not heard of contraceptives? Anyway, I will advise you to take it easy with her. Some women are like that. They can’t cope with difficult situations; they expect things to be going smoothly all the time. Life is not like that. Life is like a road that is full of bends and bumps. You just have to learn to negotiate the rough parts when you get there,” Larry said philosophically.

    “You are right, my brother. And thanks so much for your support. I don’t know how I could have coped without you,” I stated.

    Larry smiled, stating that it was the least he could do for me considering how I had helped him in the past when I had money.

    “You did the same for me some years back when I had problems in my business. I have no choice but support you now,” he pointed out.

    “Not everyone remembers the good one had done them in the past. Afterall, you are not the only one I helped, but where are the others? No where! Some even hide when they hear that I’m in their offices or homes to see them. That’s life!” I said bitterly.

    Later, we discussed some business ideas. My mood brightened a bit when he told me about a good business partner of his in Asia who was considering sending goods to me on credit.

    “I told him you are a reliable person and you always pay your debts. We are still discussing; I hope it works out,” said Larry.

    I prayed this opportunity would work out as it could help a lot in my efforts to bounce back to reckoning.

    I got home that day feeling much better than I had done in a long while. At home, I met the twins sleeping in the bedroom and my wife was no where in sight.

    ‘Where could she have gone?’ I wondered as I went to get some water from the fridge.

    Shortly after, she returned with a large ‘Ghana-must-go’ bag in her hand.

    “Where did you go, Sherri? The boys were all alone in the house! That’s not good at all!” I said.

    She ignored me and went to the bedroom. Thinking she was in one of her bad moods, I left her alone and sat watching TV in the parlour.

    The sounds of the baby crying woke me up early the next morning. I looked at my watch to see it was just past six o’ clock. Sounds were coming from the parlour so I went there. There was a suitcase and some bags there which Sherri was about taking outside the house.

    “What’s going on here, Sherri? Where are you taking those bags to?” I asked.

    “Are you so daft? What does it look like? I’m leaving!” she announced abruptly.

    “Leaving? To where? You never told me you were travelling to see your family?” I said, thinking she was going to the village to visit her old mother, who was a widow.

    “I’m going away! I’m done with this marriage!” she said, grabbing one of the bags.

    It then dawned on me that this was no ordinary journey. She was abandoning me!

    “But dear, it hasn’t come to that! Things are not so bad that you will just walk away like that from our home, our marriage!” I said.

    “That’s what you think! As for me, I can’t take this anymore. I have to leave before I go crazy!” said Sherri.

    “Please, dear, don’t go! I need you now more than ever! Please stay! You are my life, my world! What will I do without you?” I said pleadingly, trying to take her hand which she shook off.

    “Stay to do what? Starve to death? I can’t o! Let me go and try my luck elsewhere since you can no longer take care of me,” she retorted.

    I tried to stop her but she pushed me aside and dragged all the bags outside. A strange man I had never seen before came and took the bags to a waiting car which my wife later entered with the baby in her arms and they drove away, leaving me all alone with the twins…

     

    To be continued

    What next? Join us next Saturday for the final episode of Dan’s story!

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator, his wife and other individuals in the story.

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Love: Different strokes…

    Love: Different strokes…

    EX- NTA girl Rose Peter-Graham speaks on her first pregnancy

    Wow! It all started like a joke, then days rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. My column, the once famous ‘For Sisters Only’, is back. Oh, how I so missed my readers together with whom we shared our personal lives, thoughts, fears and all shades of emotions… pain, joy and the likes. I sincerely apologise for my unavoidable absence.It feels good to be back. Many thanks to God.

    Daughters of Mother Nature ( I stole the axiom from my friend, Rose Peters-Graham), life is a stage. There comes a time in life when we are ripe to be plucked from the beautiful garden of mother earth. Sometimes though, our parents prepare us ahead for that time, but truthfully you are the first to know. How? That moment when you begin to spend more time in front of the mirror; when you are conscious of what you wear, how you wear it and all that…and then ‘boom’, you are there waiting for your knight in shining armour to come sweep you off your feet. And then ‘they come’. Oh yeah, ‘they’ because not one, not two, not three will come to ask for your hand in marriage. A few sincere ones and a truck load of ‘Mr. Wrong’ will be knocking at your door. That is something we can’t wish away, as much as we would have preferred that God should just drop that ‘Mr. Right’ before us, so that we don’t have to cross a few rivers before we arrive at our desired place. So, the confusion starts.  This takes us to what I want to share with you today.

    I still don’t know if there is anything more delightful to every girl than being ‘Mrs. Somebody’ when the time is right. Oh, no matter how many times we are told those words, ‘marriage is not easy’, it doesn’t deter us from desiring to share our life with that one person we so much love. That we are built to love and be loved, is not just a saying, it’s a fact we all know by now. For some, the road to being ‘Mrs. Somebody’ can be seemingly smooth, for others, it can be seemingly bumpy. For some, it sometimes starts off being bumpy and ends smoothly, and for others, it could start off smoothly and end up bumpy. I can hear someone say, “it’s not my portion”. I join in saying Amen to that!

    Why am I even saying all these? The night before I wrote this piece, my friend, Rose Peter Graham, who finally left the single girls’ league sometime last year and who was recently delivered of  a baby boy in the United Kingdom, called and shared her experience about pregnancy with me. It was indeed thoughtful of Rose to have spared a thought for those sisters who not by their making become victims of violent rape, get pregnant in the process and have to go through their pregnancy without someone being there for them.

    Her words: “Having life grow inside of you is one of the most beautiful experiences in the world! And I thank the Almighty God for the grace of the opportunity! I wouldn’t say it was a stress- free pregnancy, because from time to time, I cried out from one pain or the other, mostly in my hands, waist and legs. Each time I let out a shrill cry, my husband would suddenly jump up, rush to my side and attend to the pain. He helped in massaging, sometimes with hot water, ointments and soothing words…I always felt better afterwards.

    But my thoughts never stopped going to the women who are pregnant, but for one unfortunate reason or the other, their men are not by their sides for the very comfort of emotional support during this dire and blissful moment. What about those who became pregnant from violent rape? Women in war torn zones? …what about those heavily pregnant women who are battered by their husbands or partners? I just want to let you know that, there are people who feel your pains. This little piece is dedicated to you!”

    Instead of experiencing the joy of carrying a life within them, they are traumatised. The God- given opportunity to procreate becomes the darkest days of their lives. We really need to spare a thought for one another sometimes. It is called sisterhood. Sparing a thought for victims can actually go a long way to help them to heal fast. How? What they feel at that moment is psychological, and so the process to heal is psychological and that comes with knowing someone feels their pain. The same thing goes for someone who is lucky to have their partner go through pregnancy with them. All that tendering to her pain and the attendant ‘feels better’ experience is a psychological thing.  Her husband’s touch is not a pain killer but it goes a long way to soothe the pain.

    Typical of me, I thought deeply about another kind of victims, the ones I call victims of love. Rape or death of a partner is an unforeseen circumstance; but the choice of a spouse is entirely your decision, not undermining God’s factor.

    Rose brought back not too distant memory of how I watched my best friend, Gloria, go through her pregnancy without the slightest empathy from her man. That is what I call cruelty to womanhood. Unlike Rose whose husband jumped and rushed to her side to attend to the pain, Gloria cried so many nights. Even if I had massaged her with ointment and hot water, I doubt if she would have felt better afterwards because the circumstance here was different. He wasn’t dead but not alive to his responsibility.  Suffice to say that love is meant to be shared by two people of opposite sex. Well, I didn’t let that discourage me from playing my part. My impact was mostly felt in the area of encouraging her to be strong for herself and her unborn baby because at the end of the day, a man is meant to complement you and not complete you.

    She garnered a lot of strength from my words. The day she was delivered of her baby boy, we were overjoyed but Dayo was missing on this special and most remarkable day of Gloria’s life. Surprisingly, while we were making arrangement to leave the hospital, she sent him a text to inform him of their bundle of joy. I couldn’t hide my anger. To me, what does it matter now? But little did I know it was the beginning of a new phase in her life. The baby came and surprisingly, he showed up with his parents who also didn’t care about her condition. But guess what? They had a big party in their family house, invited family members and friends because they were well to do.

    After the naming ceremony, she became a regular visitor in Dayo’s house. I kept wondering what had changed? Dayo became a regular figure in Gloria’s house too. Wow! Shouldn’t I be happy for her? Yes, but I had my fears. Remember the popular saying ‘once beaten twice shy’. To me, he just couldn’t be trusted. But each passing day, they drew closer to each other. In fact, his fondness for their son, David, was enviable. He didn’t apologise for abandoning her when she needed him the most, but my dear Gloria is happy again. Her joy knows no bound. Hmm! To crown her joy, Dayo popped the question “will you marry me?” But unlike yours truly who has been enjoying the attention from Dayo, she told him to give her time to think.

    Don’t think I have a hand in this because I don’t. I had come to terms with her present state and I’ve decided to stick with my friend in whatever makes her happy. So when she told me she didn’t accept his proposal I was confused. I have also come to like them together. But what worries me still is the fact that he has never, I mean never, apologised for his wrong doing. And I honestly,  have a problem with that. And I think that’s why Gloria is turning down his marriage proposal. And of course I’m with her in whatever she decides to do. But this isn’t about me and I cannot trust my judgment because I’m still pissed off with Dayo for what he did to my friend when she was pregnant and more so he didn’t apologise. Just who does he think he is?

    I would honestly like to know what you readers think.  These, to me, are the issues here: Do you think Gloria should accept Dayo’s proposal? Is it right for him not to apologise for his wrong doing? What are the conditions for which she should accept his proposal?

    Back to Rose who inspired me to help Gloria enquire what she needs to do.  We spoke at length a couple days ago, like I said. I didn’t believe it myself; it was past 2am  when Rose and I surrendered to nature’s call. That actually used to be our style when she was a spinster. We would chat till the early hours of the day and I wouldn’t get enough sleep before rushing off to work.

  • From our mail box: Reactions to ‘She abandoned me as a baby. Now it’s payback time!’

    The response to Nora’s story from readers was overwhelming with over 1000 sms and emails received so far and counting. Unfortunately, due to space constraints, we cannot publish all but a select few. Many thanks to all those who took time to send in their thoughts and views on the story. Letters have been edited for clarity and brevity.)

    – Nora should go all the way and deal ruthlessly with the wicked mum who abandoned her and treated her like shit all these years. She should snatch the step dad from her. People like Nora’s mum, just like my boss in the office, who think of only themselves, should  be taught a bitter lesson. I have no pity for her at all.  (via email)

    – I love this story so much! Please how do I get the full story as I missed some episodes. Keep up the good work! (081646185**)

    – Hello there, after following your weekend series religiously to its conclusion, I must commend the felicity and literary depth of this writer. However, I refuse to see how “Nora” paid back her mum in the same coin. Fate simply brought Mr P into her life to fill the yawning gap of neglect she had. If her romance with Mr P had earned her mum a divorce, the conclusion would have been logical.

     

    From Ogar Pat (via email)

    – Honestly, my Saturday is not complete without my buying The Saturday Nation and the first section I go to is the romance page. The stories here are interesting, well crafted and they teach life lessons too. Kudos to the writers of this column! God bless you for enriching my weekend! From Luke (via email)

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    – Nora should just stop what she’s doing and forgive her mother so that God will forgive her her own sins. No one is perfect. (080326706**)

    – No, she’s not doing the right thing. Besides, she should forgive her Mum, not get revenge over her. (081890849**)

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    – It’s a pity Nora went through a lot- its a lovely story though. (080789325**)

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    – Nora, I know how painful it is for you to grow up without the love and care of a Mum but you are taking it too far. What will you gain if you succeed in destroying your Mum’s marriage? Will you be satisfied? Put an end to it now and make up with your Mum. Kamsiyochukwu from Enugu. (081134261**)

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    – Dear Aunt Nora, I don’t think what you are doing is right. I’m sure your Mum would soon regret it but remember you are not going to hurt her only; you will also hurt yourself, your granny, half siblings and stepdad. Stop it now before it’s too late! (080915808**)

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    – This is a very interesting column, please keep it up. We will see the end of the story. Thanks! (0700337313**)

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    – I think its a good thing Nora’s doing; afterall the woman never cared so why should

    she care? Opportunity they say comes but once and she didn’t go looking for the man, hecame so let her play along and enjoy her

    sweet, blissful REVENGE! Mwahahha from Laila (via email)

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    – I know it’s not easy to forget the pains she went through when she was abandoned, but Nora dating her stepdad is totally wrong. Sin is sin no matter how small it may look like. She just needs to forgive and forget all that she passed through; it’s all history now and she should move on with her life and reunite with her new found family. (080592121**)

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    – It is very interesting that Nora got Mr P miraculously but she should not go ahead to date or marry him to punish her Mum. She should consider the love her grandma has for her and should contact her for motherly advice on the way forward. Thanks, Adegebo F from Ibadan (080552162**)

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    – Yes, she’s doing the right thing but there’s always a price to pay for any action so she should be careful. (080655787**)

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    – Thumbs up jare! You really have good plans. She’s not a good mother and reall needs someone to teach her a lesson. (081029180**)

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    – I love today’s episode but I expected a fight (090997104**)

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    – Nora should take the N5m cheque, pursue a career, forget her mother and cling onto her grandmother who loves her so much. It is well. (070397234**)

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    – All the rejections started with the pride of the Clarkson family. They rejected their daughter in the first place to protect the so- called family name due to empty pride. A family that will be careless about the upbringing of their daughter and rejected her when she needed them most should not blame their daughter for replicating same foolish pride. Carol, shallow your pride and embrace your daughter please! (080397356**)

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    – Happy weekend, Ma. My advice to Nora is that she should find something to do with her life, maybe go to school and get a career. She should trust in God and become wayward. I have has that experience and I know how painful it is. (070652245**)

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    – Nice story. If I were Nora, I would have requested for at least N20 million from Carol because it’s obvious she hates her child, from Seye, Akure (080338944**)

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    – Nora’s mother is a wicked woman. She does not deserve to be called a mother. And she deserves whatever Nora does to her! (080655787**)

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    – Nora should still keep coming to the grandmother who accepted her with love and also trace her father. I’m sure he will accept her. (080344217**)

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    -No matter what, Carol should not have abandoned Nora and lied to her parents that the baby is dead. She deserves whatever happens to her. Wicked woman! (081318812**)

     

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    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Be more proactive: Mark,  Senate urge security agencies 

    Be more proactive: Mark, Senate urge security agencies 

    President of the Senate, David Mark, yesterday condemned the bombing that left scores of citizens dead. He urged the perpetrators to rethink “because this is a needless war,” adding that “It is hard to believe that this is happening to us. No matter the anger or grievances in anybody’s mind, this war on defenceless citizens is uncalled for. This is inhuman and unarguably ungodly.” In a statement, the Special Adviser on Media and Publicity to the Senate President, Kola Ologbondiyan, noted that Mark who was already at the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport, Abuja, enroute Ibadan, Oyo State, made a  u-turn in honor  of the victims on hearing of the sordid incident. It was gathered that Mark was on his way to attend the birthday of the Olubadan of Ibadan Oba Samuel Odulana  Odugade I  on his 100 years and receive a Chieftaincy from the revered monarch. The President of the Senate sympathised with the victims and reminded Nigerians of the need to be their brothers’ keeper at all times. He also called on security operatives to collaborate with others, even as he counseled them to be more proactive in order to end the menace.

    Also, the Senate decried the latest bomb blast, describing it as callous and wicked. Its spokesman, Senator Enyinnaya Abaribe, said the bomb blast, which claimed scores of lives, is one incident by the evil minds that should prick Nigeria’s collective consciousness. The Senate, he said, is worried at the dimension the orgy of terrorists attacks and its devilish activities is assuming. Abaribe said: “The Senate bleeds also on the very harrowing fact that innocent lives of Nigerians, whose only sin is to go out to look for their daily bread, would be so slaughtered in this manner. The Senate is still bemoaning the unending massacre of our people in some states in the Northeast, the latest being the killings in Borno state on Sunday and now this one,” he said.

    The Senate also called on the security agencies to step up their game and be more proactive. He said: “The blame game should be over, the security agencies must step up their game and be more proactive. The country is indeed bleeding of the blood of her innocent ones who are daily being cut down by the evil minds. The Senate therefore consoles with the families of the dead and wishes the wounded quick recovery, while also urging Nigerians to remain steadfast as the Government intensifies effort to tackle the ugly menace.”

  • Light plane crashes in eastern Indonesia, kills 2

    A small plane crashed while taking off in Indonesia’s Papua Province on Wednesday, killing two people and injuring five, a church group that operated the aircraft reported.

    An official at the local Seventh-Day Adventist Church, Sakul said that the plane was on a charity mission when it went down at an airstrip in the town of Sentani.

    Sakul, who like many Indonesians goes by one name, said the fatalities were the U.S. pilot and a passenger.

    Report says that jungle-clad Papua relies on air transport because accidents are very common.

  • 6 feared dead after consuming local beverage

    No fewer than six persons, aged between 20 years and 22 years, were feared dead after allegedly consuming a local beverage, Zakami, at a wedding reception at Unguwa Uku, in the Kano metropolis.

    An eye-witness told the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) on Monday in Kano that the incident happened at about 10.30 p.m. on Sunday.

    According to the witness, the deceased, all males, drank the substance at the party that was also attended by many youths including the bride and groom.

    NAN gathered that the deceased collapsed after consuming the intoxicating beverage and died on the way to the hospital.

    The Kano State Police Public Relations Officer, ASP Magaji Majiya, confirmed the incident.

    He said the police had since commenced investigation into the matter with a view to finding out the cause of the tragedy.

    “On receiving the report, we invited the groom; he is currently assisting us in our investigation.

    “I cannot confirm the number of deaths until we finish our investigation,’’ he said.