The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • The sad cost of making babies

    Nigeria is one of the leading countries in terms of maternal deaths. YETUNDE OLADEINDE takes a look at the causes, challenges experienced by women and how it can be reduced.

    RAISING a family is usually the major priority for young people. The cost of making babies, interestingly, is alarming in a depressed economy where there is high unemployment rate, underemployment, as well as living with a wage that actually does not take one home.

    Babies, however, are a great treasure in this part of the world and so provision must be made to usher them into our world. The hospital list and the list of baby things are a nightmare for many. That is not all. A number of our pregnant women are malnourished, cannot afford to register at hospitals especially during the first trimester when the child is going through a very vital stage. Worse still are the problems associated with poor facilities, inadequate and inexperienced personnel.

    In the process, lives are lost while others simply live with consequences that haunt them for life. For thirty-two-year-old Uche Onuoha, the worst day in his life was the day his wife fell into labour a few minutes after midnight.  “I was already sleeping in bed when she woke me up and told me how she was feeling. First, it took me time to find the vigilante man to open the gate for us. After that, I also had to go and bang the gates in the neighbourhood to take us to the hospital. By the time the okadaman arrived, my wife was in great pains.”

    Luckily, the hospital was not too far away and the medical team attended to her as soon we got there. “You can imagine what would have happened if the hospital was far away or if they didn’t have capable hands to attend to us.”

    Sadly, Sani Kazeem takes you into his wife’s experience in labour and how they survived what would have been a catastrophe. “My first son is the best thing in my life. Each time I look at him, I remember the ordeal that my wife went through during labour. Then we were living in a village in Nasarawa and I had to take her to a traditional birth attendant because the public health centre there was very far away.”

    Kazeem continues his story: “She was in labour for over four hours and I kept on walking up and down as I heard her screaming. At a point, I heard that the baby’s head was already coming out.” Relief! Kazeem then thought that the trauma was over, but, sadly, that was not to be. “Unfortunately, the woman came out and said that there were some complications and I saw the baby’s head hanging in between her legs. The only option was to take her to the public health centre which was quite far away.”

    Devastated! Kazeem ran helter-skelter looking for help in the community. “There was no vehicle in sight and the only option was to carry her to the place with a wheel barrow. She cried and screamed all the way and I became very confused myself. Luckily, the mother and child survived the ordeal because Allah was with us.”

    However, Remilekun Ariyo was not so lucky. The school teacher had gone to a private hospital where she was wrongly diagnosed as having fibroid. Expectedly, her condition worsened and she was referred to Ayinke House at the Lagos State University Teaching Hospital where it was discovered that a dead baby had been in her womb for about a week. Unfortunately, the woman died.

    Just when you think women in this state are fragile and should be treated like eggs, you hear tales of women beaten to a state of coma. Comfort Bassey tells you her experience and the trauma she had to cope with in the process. “He used to beat me in my pregnant state. On a particular day, he broke a bottle and inflicted an injury on me. He also removed a lantern glass, threw it at me and it got broken all over me. His stepbrother who was living with us at that time left the house in anger. The man never came back to our house again,” she recalls in tears.

    She adds that “When the pregnancy was seven months, he started again and I ran to his cousin’s place. They warned him but he didn’t listen to them. The baby girl finally came through caesarean section. In spite of all this, my husband was always kicking me at the very spot where I had the stitches. “Immediately after the operation, I started coughing and my legs were swelling up. So they had to do blood transfusion for me at St. Luke’s General Hospital in Uyo.”

    Sadly,  recent statistics  on maternal mortality by the World Health Organisation (WHO) reveal that at least 330,000 women died during child birth worldwide in 2015.

    The figure released by Global Health Observatory (GHO) of the WHO lamented that every day in 2015, at least 830 women died due to complications of pregnancy and child birth.

    “Almost all of these deaths occurred in low-resource settings, and most could have been prevented. The primary causes of death are haemorrhage, hypertension, infections, and indirect causes, mostly due to interaction between pre-existing medical conditions and pregnancy.

    It adds: “Of the 830 daily maternal deaths, 550 occurred in sub-Saharan Africa and 180 in Southern Asia, compared to five in developed countries. The risk of a woman in a developing country dying from a maternal-related cause during her lifetime is about 33 times higher compared to a woman living in a developed country”.

    Maternal mortality is a health indicator that shows very wide gaps between rich and poor, urban and rural areas, both between countries and within them.

    The maternal mortality trend, according to the report, however, shows that the number of women dying due to complications during pregnancy and childbirth has decreased by 43% from an estimated 532,000 in 1990 to 303,000 in 2015.

    “The progress is notable, but the annual rate of decline is less than half of what is needed to achieve the Millennium Development Goal (MDG) target of reducing the maternal mortality ratio by 75% between 1990 and 2015, which would require an annual decline of 5.5%.

    “The 44% decline since 1990 translates into an average annual decline of just 2.3%. Between 1990 and 2000, the global maternal mortality ratio decreased by 1.2% per year, while from 2000 to 2015 progress accelerated to a 3.0% decline per year,” the report revealed.

    The report indicated that Sierra Leone had the highest maternal mortality rate in the world in 2015 with 1,360 women dying, while Central Africa Republic came second with 882 dying during child birth and Chad coming third with 856 maternal deaths.

    So where does Nigeria stand in all this? The revelation here showed that Nigerian came fourth in the world with 814 maternal deaths, with South Sudan ranking fifth with 789 maternal deaths. Others are Somalia, 732, Liberia, 725, Burundi, 712, Gambia, 706, among others.

    Finland, Greece and Iceland have the least maternal death worldwide in 2015 with just three women dying in each of the countries during child birth. Belarus, Austria, Czech Republic, Kuwait, Italy and Sweden all had four cases of maternal death in 2015.

  • In each other’s corner

    TOLU and Aramide were often more fun and playful in the early stages of their relationship. It looked like a union made in heaven and they were a source of envy to friends and family members.  However, this playful attitude faded gradually as life’s challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Just when they thought they had it all, it melted away.

    The idea of a great relationship is something a lot of people look forward to. Interestingly, it doesn’t always work out this way. In some cases, the lovebirds start a process and things just fall into place nicely. Here, the truth is that a lot of work goes into the process and life is just smooth and exciting.

    If it isn’t, then the emotional war begins and the centre may just never hold again.  One basic thing that we need to understand is the fact that there are different phases in a relationship. Here you go from the good, the bad and then to the ugly sides. Conversely, the relationship (s) may start from the bad side, something you didn’t plan for and did not have high hopes about.

    However, as you move on, you just discover that this is what you have been craving for all along and the relationship metamorphoses into something interesting and splendid. The crux of the matter, however, is that relationships are usually not so predictable but the most important thing is to put in your best to make it work.

    So, the big question would be what it takes to have a successful relationship. The truth, however, is that it takes a lot of dedication, focus, and work. Finding the right person to settle down with can often feel like a very frustrating game of chance. And even when you do find the right one, you’ll still have your work cut out for you as you make an effort to maintain your relationship.

    The best relationship advice, according to experts, is “easy does it.” Too often we get caught up in fear-based needs to control our partner. This pull becomes a destructive compulsion that corrodes the integrity of the relationship. It replaces respect and compassion with anger and resentment. It destroys the quality of our lives and, over time, the relationship.

    This advice has impacted the way many approach romantic relationships, creating a new world or space which later allows for less reactivity, more peace, happiness, and respect.  The classic struggle of all relationships is finding the right calculus in the togetherness-and-autonomy equation. Typically, when a relationship is under stress, one of the partners asks for physical space to break the tension.

    This would naturally reduce the tension and help to bring back lost affection and a process of rediscovery begins.

    The best way to incorporate space is by being proactive and providing emotional rather than physical space. To do this, lovebirds need to give each other the space to be themselves and to have their experiences without trying to control the outcome.

    It calls for a lot of hard work but the rewards are well worth the effort.

    A school of thought believes that things get better when

    “both of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.” What this means is that it is always important to think about how your partner is feeling, try to stand in their shoes and be emotionally generous. The other 10%, they argue, is for the understanding that sometimes it’s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made it clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%”

    A couple that has had a terrific experience shares their success story this way: “I just celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. I definitely think about my spouse’s needs and feelings the majority of the time and try to be compromising. In return, I feel he is 90% thinking of me and how to consider my feelings and be supportive and loving. Sometimes, this means giving something up, but actually most times this means we both get what we want and we both feel very loved, supported, and that we are in each other’s corner. I don’t feel afraid to be giving, because he really has my best interests at heart. We are a terrific team and often we agree on what we want. And when we don’t, we tend to take turns supporting the other’s wants.”

    Conversely, some people think it is better to be selfish to avoid having a broken heart. “It’s not my partner’s job to make me happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Of course it’s easy to feel good when my partner is acting in a way that I want but needing them to be a certain way in order for me to feel good that’s bondage. Thinking that they’re always going to be in a good mood and directing their affectionate attention towards me  while that may be possible during the initial stage of a relationship, is impossible to sustain long-term. I’m responsible for my happiness. My partner is responsible for her happiness. We deliberately focus on things to feel good in our lives and for things to appreciate in each other.”

  • Re: Solape’s story

    SOLAPE who was brutally raped by an acquaintance at 26 while “keeping herself” and waiting for her husband found love so soon and was catapulted from the depths of despair to the greatest heights of ecstasy by the doctor who treated her after the horrible rape incident. He not only turned her life around within a few months, he also married her and ushered her into what she describes as “heaven on earth.” However, in the last two years, her heart has been with another gentleman and after 11 years of marriage, she can’t bear to live with a man she claims she doesn’t love anymore. Now, Solape’s mother never enjoyed a single day of marriage because she was rejected by her boy friend (Solape’s father) who got her into the family way and never acknowledged Solape as his child till she was age seven. Could it be that Solape is following an evil pattern which could also make her lose out of being truly loved and happily married?

    Dear Solape,

    It is a pity that you are not contented with what God has given you- comfort, satisfaction and protection. These are what women always pray for but you got yours on a platter of gold. Stick to your husband and enjoy his affection. A bird at hand is better than a lover you hardly know. Be wise please.

    Mr. Oladipo, Ondo State

    Dear Solape,

    My advice for you is to stay with your husband. Although you may not love him, he loves you. Remember, a friend in need is a friend indeed. Just consider the man you claim you love as devil-sent to destroy your marriage. The first man you loved disappointed you so love is not everything. You are better off in a happy home!

    Augustin, Port-Harcourt

    Dear Solape,

    If you get into an affair with the guy you claim to love, you will end up very miserable because your conscience will torment you and if you marry him the love will fade away and you’ll be left high and dry. The answer is to go to God to help you love your husband with His love which is unconditional, pure and eternal. Human love is deceptive and unreliable. Don’t do what will make your children despise and end you in great regret.

    Helen

    Dear Solape,

    Any elderly, experienced and professional counsellor that goes through your letter would inquire more about your background which seems to reveal itself in your attitude to relationship. One important thing for you to understand is that parents are role models for their children; you should therefore be able to understand the way you now relate and feel towards your marriage. The age at which you were raped was enough for you to understand the difference between love and infatuation; your experience in the hand of the rapist was due to your disobedience to the divine warning you received. I sympathise with you because as I said, your growth has something to do with your role models. Role models could also mean the elderly women you socialised with or emulate, and it could be due to the environment where you grew up.

    You said your mother influenced you in marrying your husband, but she wasn’t the one that encouraged you to accept the British visa and the return ticket to London. Do you want to say you could not understand the motive and the underlining aim of the doctor who gave you the free trip to London? It is hard for anyone to believe that you were blind to the motive behind the gifts.

    I can gather from what you have said that you would need deliverance from promiscuous spirit, which tends to have taken over your life from the rape experience. I am convinced that you fell in love with the doctor because of the support and love he showered on you, but more than that you were a victim of ‘rejection syndrome’ at the period. And in the situation that you were at the time you would have fallen in love with anyone that could show you love. Your rapist made you feel like a rag, and the first person that changed your perception was the kind doctor. He also was perhaps in a similar situation when he found you. But all said and done, now that you are married to him and he is doing all his best to make you feel loved and comfortable, you should not repay with desertion.  What I am driving at is that you are making yourself a victim of infatuation, which in all cases usually results into desertion. Therefore, there is no guarantee that you would not repeat the same experience if and after you’ve crossed over to the man in your dream.

    My advice is this; don’t make yourself an abandoned woman, therefore stay with the present man to whom you have given two kids. I wish you the best of luck.

    Rev. Lekan Alawode

    Dear Solape,

    I see you as a beloved child of God who doesn’t know her worth before God. You said you disobeyed God after He warned you from what He knew the devil had planned for you and even after the devil had his way; God had mercy on you without you asking and eased your pain. What a good God! However, you chose to follow your mother’s advice and instincts to marry your husband. Who knows, your husband could be God’s arrangement for your destiny. Whatever it is, I’m afraid your heart is very far from God and if you don’t retrace your steps, you will end up like your mother whom you said gave up on love and never married after being rejected by your father. Please ask God for the fullness of His spirit and you will be pleasantly amazed at how wonderful life would be with the man you vowed to spend the rest of your life with. Happy new life!

    Love always,

    Temilolu

  • ‘My challenges running building construction firm’

    ‘My challenges running building construction firm’

    You run into Bukunola Gadzama, CEO Buildcon, a real estate and construction company at the Bay Lounge, Lekki Lagos. Looking radiant in a black dinner gown, she takes Yetunde Oladeinde into her world, the challenges in the sector and plans for the new year.

    WHY are you interested in the housing sector?

    I am into real estate, interior decoration and the CEO of Buildcon Global Service. The event that we just had now is the company’s end of year party. What we decided to do was that we needed to take some steps next year to improve business. The most important task ahead is improving our customer’s satisfaction and we have put a number of measures in place to ensure this.

    I used to work with CMB Building, a maintenance and investment company, as AGM Marketing and Business Development, Integrated MicroFinance Bank Nigeria Limited, British American Tobacco Nigeria Limited and also worked as a senior banking analyst with National Bank of Nigeria. As Managing Director and CEO of Buildcon, I am involved in overseeing the development and preparation of company’s plan, operational and financial budget and approval of same in conjunction with the board in line with the company’s vision.

    In addition, I am involved in supporting the operations and administration of the board by advising and informing board members, interfacing between board and staff, and supporting the board’s evaluation and decisions.

    I am also involved in overseeing the building preliminaries, approval of the architectural designs and overseeing the preparation of the bill of quantities, analysing all projects to ensure profitability as well as overseeing the construction of the projects to ensure adherence to timelines and specifications while ensuring quality is maintained.

    Apart from all this, I am involved in ensuring construction timelines are met and exceeded while maintaining strict adherence to budget with emphasis and focus on construction below the bill of quantities. My duties also include providing off takers for the project to ensure immediate sales before the completion of the project, employing project-specific artisans and construction workers for the execution of specific building projects. Others include overseeing and approving all marketing materials, sourcing for viable projects in good locations and overseeing the market research and survey analysis and interpreting same for informed decision making.

    What are some of the changes that you hope to see?

    Next year, our desire is to try to satisfy as many customers as possible. Your customers dictate your products and so we are going to listen to them, improve on what we are doing and try as much as possible to give them what they want.

    How would you describe the sector in 2015?

    For me, 2015 was a turning point in the business. It was a year when a lot of things started to go right for the company. We got things right and we were able to sell most of what we had currently. The real estate industry has gone through a lot of changes. A lot of people when they buy their houses spend almost half of what they would have used to build the house to redo the house. We help our customers to build their houses from scratch to finish taking care of details like tiling and décor. Basically, we are building for them and they need to have something that they can live with and we are happy with that. In addition to that, we also give our clients a grace of six months once they move in and we fix anything that is not working properly without collecting any money from them.

    What are some of the challenges that you experience on the job?

    Yes, there are challenges like every other sector. It is tough when you have to go back and forth to get things from some customers. Apart from this, you also have the issue of costing, this happens when some clients want products that are more expensive and others want something that is slightly cheaper. So, the difference in cost can be an issue but usually we work round this.

    How is the sector doing at the moment?

    The sector has a few challenges. Unfortunately, one of the problems is that you have the money but you cannot keep the product with you. You have to keep it with those selling until you really need it. Also, the mortgage system in the country is a big issue and then when you look at it, you find that everybody wants to have their own houses but again the question is how many people can afford it? For instance, someone with a salary of N100,000 per month cannot afford a standard house. We are trying to get as many people to be able to afford their own houses.

    What are the things that you would like to see in the sector?

    We would like the National Housing Scheme (NHS) to be accessible. This gives each contributor 15million naira and partial contributors get N13 million. Also, the interest rate on the NHS is quite minimal when you compare this to the 35 per cent that the banks are asking for.

    What is the secret of your good looks?

    You just have to be you, be natural, there is no other secret. What I am not, I am not.

    Secondly, I eat right. The most wonderful place to be in the world is Nigeria. We have all kinds of foods that we do not appreciate. I eat so much vegetables and I am happy. There are times you find me laughing on my own. It makes me look younger. It is also important to have a good relationship with your client, staff and the people around you.

    It’s quite interesting and it’s humbling too. The greatest experience one can have. What other people see as challenges are things that I see as opportunities and they propel me to do better.

    We believe that the capacity we are building would make our clientele grow, as well as make us better and look at things from the positive angle. Being a woman is a positive thing, what you are going through is an opportunity to be better and excel.

  • Solape’s story

    DEAR Temilolu,  My name is Solape and I am 38 years old. Though I grew up with my single mother as she and my late father never married each other, I was well-brought up. My mother who ensured I never lacked basic necessities guarded me jealously and protected me with all her heart. I can comfortably say she lived for me; spent all her earnings on me and would always assert that fact in almost all our conversations such that it imprinted on my soul right from my impressionable years and I carried it through my early teens to my adolescence. When I got to the university, even though I lived in the hostel most of the time, I didn’t require the need to be lectured by my mother on being morally-upright. In my teens, I had made up my mind to keep myself till my wedding night and not make the mistake my mother made which ended her up in shame and regret for so many years. As you can imagine, she got pregnant for her boy friend (my late father) while she was in the university and it was a tug of war before he eventually acknowledged me as his daughter when I was seven years old. My mother was in great shock and traumatised for years. She never fell in love with any man again and instead concentrated on me with so much love. I attended a campus fellowship of a spirit-filled church which groomed me spiritually and after graduation continued worshipping in one of the branches in town. I was so sure I would never fall into wrong hands as I also guarded myself physically and emotionally. I was very deep in God and could hear from him.

    When I was 26 years old and working in a bank, God constantly warned me to desist from paying attention to a particular guy who was all over me but for reasons I couldn’t quite understand, I still allowed him to visit me occasionally. By these visits, I eventually felt comfortable in his company and so it wasn’t difficult for him to get me to accept an invitation for an outing.  Unfortunately, on one of these invitations to his family house which happened to be a day we were both home alone, he pounced on me and raped me. I couldn’t even struggle with him. Asides from the shock that weakened me, even with all my strength, my bones were no match with his. He raped me in such a wicked and brutal manner and as I tried to get up and clean the blood that had stained my body after lying numb on the bed for close to two hours, I was struck with a thunderous slap that gave me a black eye. After the slap, came blows in quick successions. Even after 12 years, a chill runs down my spine when I remember that horrible experience! A lot happened as a result of that but let’s save that.

    The doctor who treated me fell in love with me. I remember spending about a week in his hospital and the comfort and love I was showered with in those seven days still linger on in my memory. The doctor practically lived in the hospital that week and only went home briefly. Most nights when I woke up, I always saw him by my side though I was dazed from sedation. On the day I was discharged, he drove me home and by that time, he had become friends with my mum who had become so appreciative of him. Within a short while, he got me a passport and a visa to travel to the U.K. during my leave period. About five weeks after I returned to work, he got me a better job in another bank. God used him to wipe my tears and make me forget all my troubles to a large extent. Exactly four months after the brutal attack on my life, he proposed marriage to me. I inquired about his wife because I felt he should have been married and he told me he was divorced with no children. I didn’t want a divorcee but my mum practically pushed me to him and our marriage was contracted. And today, we have two beautiful kids.

    Honestly, my marriage has been one you can call heaven on earth. I have never experienced all the trouble women talk about in marriage. I have had so much peace, comfort and every good thing a woman could want out of her marriage. But you know what? I don’t love this man. I could say, I have been fond of him out of appreciation but I don’t love him. Someone else has captured my heart in the last two years and I love him with all my heart. I desperately want to be with him all the time and always imagine him making love to me even when my husband is at it. These days, I get so cranky and snap at my husband just for no reason. He’s been very patient with me probably because he’s 10 years older but I think I might just walk out on him some day. I know it would be wrong of me, but what do you advise I do, please?

    • Dear readers, please send your advice and suggestions to the above email address or phone no.

  • What would be, would be

    GARBAGE in, garbage out. This, naturally, means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This, perhaps, talks about the ideal situation in love; the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’ song: ‘When somebody loves you back’. He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

     Yet no reply, and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over!” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions, with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this; she had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part.  He did that just in time, and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that, all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over, and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river; you cannot force anyone to love you. If Love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Looking for fair deal

    Seun had been in a relationship with Bidemi for about two years. It was fun all the way. She was actually his type of girl and the courtship period has been very interesting. She had a great heart, a smiling face as well as a promising future. Everything fell in place for them pleasantly and his desire was to settle down with her as soon as possible.

    The babe in question was younger and she still wanted to play around a little. “Each time I tried to get a commitment from her, she diverted the discussion telling me about her plans to go back to school for her masters.”

    Would she say yes or no? It was at this point that he ran into Kikelomo in a restaurant and, somehow, she also fits into the picture of a dream girl. However, the first choice was Bidemi dearest but it was better to have an alternative. So, he kept Kikelomo by the side; this was going to be the emotional joke, just in case Bidemi messes up.

    On her part, Kike had a swell time along the emotional corridor. It was as if she had never fallen in love before and Seun swept her off her feet in a short while. Dreamer! She did not know that she was just a spare part, useful only when option A (Bidemi) fails. Unfortunately for her, Bidemi got wind of the emotional duplicate and she quickly closed the affectionate gaps. It must have been love but it was over and Kikelomo was left in the lurch. She had actually been on the back burner all this while and she just had to move on with the pieces.

     Romantically speaking, however, you need to ask yourself some pertinent questions to be sure that your emotions are directed in the right direction. You need to be sure about the part of the hook that you are hanging on. Are you having a firm grip on the heart you desire or are you just on the edge clinging desperately for attention from someone whose heart is firmly rooted elsewhere?

    Interestingly, there are signs and symptoms to show that you are on the back burner in a relationship.  “I can’t be with you … right now” is a phrase that elusive hearts keep using to string hearts together just in case they run into emotional trouble elsewhere.

    Here you get phrases like you shouldn’t keep all your eggs in one basket. So, smart hearts try to leave the emotional door cracked open for a willing or desperate heart to explore. Of course, there is the vague possibility of a relationship someday.

    Could this be a fair emotional deal? Not really! However, the crux of the matter is that the emotional terrain sometimes is not fair to all. So, some just manage to play along, hoping to win by the sides or from the back. This naturally does not make the heart look very good. This adventurous zone is about the survival of the fittest and the hearts concerned are busy keeping track of and keeping in touch with alternative romantic prospects synonymous with a lot of humans.

    A science article published in Computers in Human Behaviour dubs these interactions “backburner relationships.” A backburner, as defined by the study, is “a person to whom one is not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication, in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement.”

    The lead study author, Jayson Dibble, an assistant professor of communication, informs that: “What originally inspired me to think about this is when you meet somebody at a club and trade numbers, you might go through your contacts [later] and say ‘Oh I remember that guy. I might zing him a note and see how he’s doing … It was inspired by my old days in grad school.”

    The communication is key here. A backburner is not just someone who wanders into your thoughts every once in a whilethe college sweetheart whose Facebook photos you occasionally browse, or the cute friend-of-a-friend you met on vacation and have always thought you’d really click with, if you lived in the same city. These “what-ifs” only become backburners if you actually reach out to them.

    Dibble notes that sometimes backburners know they’re backburners and sometimes they don’t. I suppose it depends on whether the communication in question is more artful than a “hey, what’s up?” text sent at 1 a.m.

    There are a couple of competing evolutionary imperatives at play when it comes to keeping people on the backburner. On the one hand, it makes a certain primal sense to explore all the potential mates available, to be sure to get the best deal. But having one long-term partner helps offspring survive, in the rough-and-tumble caveman world often invoked by evolutionary psychology.

     So, commitment provides benefits, in exchange for letting go of other possibilitiesthe would-have-been, the could-have-been or the should-have-been. According to the investment model of relationships, people who have invested more resourcestime, energy, moneyinto a relationship should be more committed to it, and alternative partners should seem less attractive.

  • ‘A man’s greatest need is respect, not sex or food’

    ‘A man’s greatest need is respect, not sex or food’

    Rev (Mrs.) Funke Felix-Adejumo, wife of the President of Agape Ministries, is a woman of many parts. The farmer, preacher, motivational speaker and female empowerment has written about 70 books with others in the works. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, the amazon talks about her passion for women, their challenges, how to get the best from your man and life being married for over three decades.

    Coping with family and career has been a challenge for women.  What was your experience like and how did you cope?

    God has blessed me with one of the most responsible family men on earth. When our marriage was young and we were raising our kids, my husband was involved committedly.  We raised the kids together. He is a family man par excellence. He helped with school runs and works.

    He put the children and me before church work and ministry. His principle is: God first, family next, God’s work/career third!  This disposition simplified my life extensively.

    There were times when my husband would tell me to rest while he rocked the baby to sleep. I’m grateful to the Lord and to him for this. It helped a great deal in the pursuit of my career and ministry

    How can women get the best from their husbands?

    The greatest need of a man is not sex; he can get that from a prostitute if he’s not born again and, of course, contract veneral diseases!  It’s not food; he can get that from any good restaurant. A man’s greatest need is RESPECT, particularly public respect from his wife.

     Some women disrespect their husbands. It’s a man you treat like a king that will treat you like a queen.  Give your husband the highest level of respect and honour in your culture and watch him bloom in his love for you.

    There’s no honour I will give to any human being on earth, including my spiritual mentors anybody at that if I have not given it to my husband.  After the Lord Jesus Christ, Felix Remi Adejumo is the only king in my kingdom and the only emperor in my empire!

     What has kept you going in your marriage?

    My husband and I have actually been married for 31years. Our marriage will be 32 on September 8. The major and greatest force in our marriage is God. And that’s not to sound religious.  It is what God keeps that is kept. John 3:27 is my favourite scripture: “A man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven.”

    God did not create a world in which He will not be needed. He instituted marriage in the first instance. So He is the greatest marriage expert and consultant.

    Both of us are born again Christians, so we don’t joke with our relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. This reflects in the way we love and honour each other. It reflects in the way we handle misunderstandings. It reflects in everything we do.

    In 31 years, my husband and I pray together every day!  When we are not together, we pray on the phone. Remember, we did not start travelling separately until a few years ago. That was before technology came into the picture.

    Also, we agreed on transparency and honesty. We agreed that this will be the trade mark of our relationship. There’s nothing we don’t discuss. And I mean absolutely nothing, including the minutest details of life.

    We tell ourselves the absolute truth; what nobody on earth can tell us.  We confront our selves. And our bedroom has remained our ‘court room’ for years.

    Also, we are committed to making the marriage work. Divorce is not an option for us. That has been our cliché from the beginning. No matter how threatened our relationship is, we agreed that divorce will never be an option. We believe in ourselves and we collaborate on everything.

    Then, my husband is my only and best friend and I am his.  I always encourage singles to marry their friends.  Don’t marry someone you don’t like or you struggle to like. It won’t last. A true friend is somebody that knows where you stink but still remains faithful and loyal. We are our “Besties”, unconditional love is the secret. I love you for who you and not what you have. This is the love my precious husband and I share.

    You speak to thousands of women globally. What are their greatest fears?

    It is the same with women everywhere and the greatest concern is security. Women worry a lot about the future. We are all bothered with what does it hold for them and children? We are concerned with whether our children will turn out well. Will their husbands remain faithful?

    Many men have agonised they cannot seem to understand their women. What really do women want from their men?

    Women want men they can look up to. We want affirmation, validation, someone who will speak highly of us in the public. We want a role model to our children, a friend not a boss; a decent man, not a flirt; someone who speaks our love language, who is responsible enough to take good care of our financial and emotional needs.

    We want God-fearing men who can defend and stand up to defend us.

    Conflict resolution is a major marital issue for women. Do you have thoughts of how best to get it done?

    I will say it all boils down to the tongue and temper. If these two are properly managed by husband and wife, there will be less stress in marriage. Some men don’t treat their wives well. To them a woman is a necessary evil, a baby-manufacturing machine and a glorified slave. This mentality is absolutely wrong. Your wife is an integral part of your life and should be treated with dignity.

    Also the wife should honour her husband. Don’t prove to your husband that you are in competition with him. Just complement him. Even when you are hurting or angry, don’t be rude. Relate well with your in-laws. Don’t be mean to people. Anybody can become great. No one knows tomorrow.

    What is your concept of total submission as it relates to modern women?

    Biblically speaking, submission is neither subjugation nor slavery. Only insecure men oppress their wives! And I say that with every sense of responsibility. When you see a man that does not allow his wife to shine or give expression to God’s grace on her life, he is a coward!

    He may look bold and loud, but he’s definitely struggling with serious complex issues!

    Ephesians 5:21 says:  “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. People quote from verse 22 but the instruction actually starts from verse 21!

    In my opinion, submission is “STRENGTH PUT UNDER CONTROL”. God expects the woman to equally prosper and be blessed. Genesis 1:26-28 says ‘God blessed THEM’, not him only! But once you are in the institution of marriage, you don’t flaunt your blessing in such a way that you disrespect your spouse.

    Anything that has more than one head is a monster. As a woman, you allow your husband to be the leader and you prayerfully and graciously assist him.

    Do you believe in the concept of full housewife?

    Yes and no.  Yes, because there may be a season when a woman needs to be a full time house wife for the sake of her children but it should not be the norm. Full time house wife is full time suffering PLC! (laughter).

    What is the vision behind the Winning Edge Conference?

    Out of a constant thirst for God and his mandate on the earth, the vision of women on the Winning Edge Conference was born.

    This is a Godly calling to all women to pump self-confidence into them; to raise Godly women who will build good homes, raise Godly children, be wealthy and stand toe to toe with other women of various cadres without denying the faith.

    It’s an international conference, aimed at ministering to women of all ages and strata with the hopes of prayerfully and biblically discussing key issues as they affect the woman, her purpose, her future and her dignity. It is for the woman; it is a large umbrella which includes the single parent, married, divorced, career woman, politician, matured single, widow, etc. Whatever category she falls, as long as she is a woman, the Winning Edge family will be there for her.

    It’s also our opportunity to lead the unsaved to the Lord and equally strengthen women in particular as we prayerfully and biblically discuss women issues like relationship with the Lord, career, singleness, marriage, leadership, abuse, divorce, widowhood, infidelity, violence, parenting and others in a relaxed atmosphere where God’s presence is consciously honoured.

    What marks out the conference from several others in town?

    It’s majorly a discussion conference. There are panel sessions where questions from women that have been collated before and during the course of the programme will be answered. We also have the pay zero shop, which is an avenue to give back to the woman in need and empower widows. There is also the African Praise Night, which is a time to return praises to God.

    The African woman owes the continent the kind of revolution she desires at every level of continental development. We are capable. We have the potential. God has started to heal our wounds.

     We are learning to forgive the people that hurt us. We are moving forward. We are determined to cooperate with our fathers, brothers, husbands and sons to bring a change that we believe in.

  • Idle in the market place (III)

    My great Nigerian sisters and every wonderful fan of this page-God’s page,
    I welcome you all to 2016, our year of greater glory and phenomenal achievement. This is the year that your star will shine and announce you to the world. Your long-term dreams will manifest and showcase you to the world in Jesus name. AMEN!

    IN THE last two editions, I discussed the unfortunate circumstance a lot of people find themselves -how those who have all it takes to live glorious lives and impact on the lives of others are stopped on their tracks by one thing or the other. In any case, every single human being has a giant in him which could either be tied down or burst forth to manifestation. Hmm…sigh! Today, I’ll be discussing how you can guard against being robbed of your great destiny. If you are age 13 and you are reading this article, I thank God for your life because after reading this, no matter how the devil has planned to thwart your efforts to shine now and in future, he will never succeed.

    • Be strong in the Lord

    “Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might.”

    Ephesians 6:10

    God who created us knows we all have a common enemy who will always fight our shinning and well-being in life and that is why He encourages us to be strong in Him. To have a personal relationship with Him and get Him on our side. He certainly would not defend anyone who is a friend to His enemy. And the devil himself knows that there are some human beings whose destinies are untouchable. He may try but when he sees they are sold-out to God and they constantly resist and fight him, he stays away. Those destinies become too hot to handle and only get him into trouble when he tries to attack them. That type of destiny could be yours. However, you need to get deeply acquainted with God and the best time is now. You’d recall I mentioned last week that choices made during adolescent years can influence later life. Spirituality and deep acquaintance with God during mid-adolescence will arm you for your journey through life.

    Everything about our existence on earth is spiritual so is good and evil. The state of one’s mind controls one’s life and if it is corrupted by darkness, one can’t live a normal life. If your spirit is connected to God, you will have a strong grip on your destiny and become exactly what God created you to be. This is not just about going to the place of worship but you must be filled with the spirit of God and in fact exude Godliness. A lot of people go to the place of worship but are full of darkness. It is the wisest thing to ensure your emotions, motions, walk and entire life is scripture-controlled. Life is pivoted on laws, rules and regulations. God’s kingdom operates on spiritual principles and to have the best of Him, these principles must be strictly adhered to.

    Discover the gift of God in your life

    If you develop a deep relationship with God and you begin to carry His presence, it won’t be difficult for you to discover your gift/talent because His light in you would magnify it. In fact, you don’t need to search for it; it will manifest with ease and all you will need do is work on it and make its impact felt. And the more you grow in God, the more it grows. Wow! Doesn’t that mean your star will never struggle to shine? How nice!

    Pay less attention to inanities

    Our adolescence is a time we enjoy spending so much time on unproductive things. We are easily moved by what excites our friends, the latest fad and trends. And in this present age there’s so much slammed on our faces via the social media which could easily derail even the fully-grown adults. Now can you imagine the effect on an adolescent girl? This is why it is so important to get deeply involved with God at a young age because once His spirit dwells inside of you; your mind won’t be easily polluted and you’ll spend less time on inanities!

    Abstain from lust of the flesh

    “Dearly beloved, I beseech you as strangers and pilgrims abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul;

    1 Peter 2:11

    Sweeties, take it or leave it, if you want your original destiny to shine and be free from oppression, you will never have anything to do with ungodly sex. By that I mean any sex outside marriage. Also, it is important to let you know this includes masturbation. Our manual for living clearly states it wars against our soul which is what connects us to God. Now if we allow our flesh conflict with the spirit of God which is the force behind our journey in life, can we make any good out of life? Sisters, beware be wise!

    Be strong in the lord; not in make-up, fashion, sexy dance-steps, lewd lyrics, sexting, sexy lingerie, sex styles etc. Your star is waiting to shine and every other good thing you’ve ever wished for has no choice but to fall on your laps. Even if you cannot afford to eat a 3-square meal today, you have a beautiful destiny which must be celebrated and which will make you a wonder in the world. Start pursuing it today! If I were you, I’d surrender to Jesus today and let him lead me to my throne of glory this year. Happy New Life!

  • ‘The good side of my popularity’

    ‘The good side of my popularity’

    Princess Oluwatoyin Kolade is one woman who has remained resilient in business and rocked the social scene over the years. The CEO of Fisolak Global Group which comprises Fisolak Royal Furniture and Arikay Oil and Gas, fondly called the Iyalaje of Apapa in the social circuit, shares with Adetutu Audu what makes her tick in the industry dominated by men.

    You are a popular face in social circles; does this not affect your lifestyle?

    There is the good side of it, and then the bad side of it. The good side is that I am likeable. Friends come around me and a lot of people also want to do one business with me or another. Being popular is actually also good for business. But the bad side is that one has to be wary of the people you meet or do business with. There are also people who feel bad about one’s popularity and really go out to try to hurt people. So when you are popular, you still have to be careful.

    You have your hands in many pies, what keeps you going?

    God. .I thank God that my business has grown a lot from the trading that I used to do. These days, I am into maritime business. We are involved in import and export businesses, clearing and forwarding, consultancy, interior furnishings and supply business. I have a group of companies; one part is involved in importation and another part is into sales of electronics.

    I am also a contractor to some state and federal government. I have franchise for Samsung products and we import too. We started Arikay Oil & Gas Company ten years ago.

    Many people say that women cannot be successful, except they pay with their bodies. Have you ever been harassed?

    Some people can do that. Men will only use and dump you. It is better to start small. It is because people want to be like others. There are women who are successful; so, why should mine be different?

    Why do most successful women not have successful marriages?

    Some of them have bad friends. So, when they are making money, their friends will tell them, don’t mind that man, and don’t honour your husband. My husband is my boyfriend; he is my everything. I still cook for my husband and my children. I don’t have a cook. Anything I want to do, I will first get his blessing. God is my Alpha and Omega, but my second alpha and omega is my husband and I love him so much.

    What attracted you to your husband?

    He is my God-given husband. You know when God gives you a husband, you will never have a problem. The first time I saw him, I knew that would be my husband. It was, indeed, love at first sight. I loved his countenance immediately. I noticed he is a calm person and I fell in love with his patience. He is actually a nice man. He is also honest.

    Does he feel intimidated by your success?

     He is a hardworking man. So when such a man has a wife who is equally hard working, who is also a good wife, he will not have any excuse but to support such a wife. He knows that our lives are better because he gives me the opportunity to assist him.

    So what will you say has been the secret of your marriage?

    The secret has been that we do not keep any secret from each other. We tell each other everything. We share everything. We handle our family matters between us. No matter how successful a woman is, she should be submissive to her husband. Part of my success is actually the fact that I am submissive to my husband. I respect him a lot and you know in such a situation, respect also begets respect.

    Describe your style

    I love to look good, I like to dress well and be neat. I love it when there is a rhythm in the colours that I wear, and one colour matches another. You know that Nigerian ladies dress fashionably well. I can say that Nigerian ladies are number one in fashion. Without Nigerian ladies, most shops in Korea, Austria, Switzerland and other such places will suffer a recession.

    You have been identified with philanthropy in recent times, are you considering going into politics?

    Everybody cannot go into politics. I will rather continue to spend and support people in politics. And I want to commend the democratic process that has led to the hope for change that has just taken place. It is commendable to know that, as a nation, we are finally developing principles. I am happy with the political change in the country.

    Aso-ebi has become a fad to the detriment of taking care of one’s family. What is your view?

    Some people want to belong. I don’t do that. I have seen people borrowing clothes, shoes and bags to go to parties.

    You seem to love partying

    I don’t go to all parties. But I love to be in the midst of good people. Attending parties and social functions, for me, are basically out of obligation to my colleagues and customers.

    Many one-man businesses have collapsed after the demise of their owners. How do you think this can be forestalled?

    Try to allow your family to know about your business. Bring in your children, even if they want to do the business. Don’t keep secret about your business from your family.