Category: New Woman

  • ZAINAB JAJI Dismantling the  odds for women

    ZAINAB JAJI Dismantling the odds for women

    Zainab Jaji is an entrepreneur who has tested many waters. From trading to drum-making and poultry, she knows where it hurts and where to turn to for the mega bucks. In this interview with YETUNDE OLADEINDE, Jaji, who is the current National President of The African Women Entrepreneur Programme (AWEP), an initiative of Hilary Clinton, talks about her passion, helping women to achieve their goals and more. 

    HOW did you get into AWEP? I was invited to come and join AWEP as an entrepreneur who had a past experience in the export market and it is a US government imitative that started in order to help build the African woman, in order to make sure that her business grows. The initiative came up under AGOA (African Growth and Opportunity Act) because women were not participating enough. It started under Hilary Clinton; she wanted African women who had at least certain level of education to be able to have access to finance without lots of collateral.

    She believed Africa had a large number of educated women, who should be brought forward to help their communities. If you have exposure, naturally your community would grow. You would have access to better healthcare and your quality of life would definitely improve. It was a way of dismantling the odds and giving women the opportunities available. There was also the need to get rid of the view that poverty is a woman’s thing.

    It is aimed to develop businesses owned by women and make sure that your business meets best practices and standards. This is the Nigerian chapter of AWEP and it is an outreach, an educational initiative that targets African women to promote their business growth, whether we are doing it locally, regionally or internationally.

    Our relationship with the US State Department in Abuja gives women the opportunity to be called up for a programme called the IVLP. It’s quite an honour to be an IVLP and you meet people that are relevant to your sector.

     We find out that when they come back, the feedback they give to AWEP is quite outstanding to help other ladies. As a body, we are no longer looking at only agriculture and we are bringing everything together to make a difference. So we do three things basically, and these include trying to build partnerships, increasing the number of women gaining access to finance, as well as helping to drive the markets. By building capacity, we are working with a lot of agencies. We would be doing a lot of training and a lot of exhibitions.

    How did the passion to empower women begin?

    I joined AWEP in 2012. The experience has been very good and the networking is second to none. In the past four years that I have been involved with AWEP, I have seen quite a landmark of growth, our first president, Yemisi Iranloye, was one of the first set that visited Washington. AWEP was then borne out of that visit. She is one of the biggest starch manufacturers in Nigeria and AWEP is part of the capacity building for women.

    The trainings you get and capacity building is added to this and the access to knowledge. You see some of the participants today are doing well; the information is there and there is funding if you know what to do. Again, we reemphasise that your business must have a structure, you must have good documentation. Even if you are running a very small business, make sure that you are registered. In addition, do not go and register the business in a name and then you are using your personal bank account for your transactions. These are the things that we are trying to make women avoid. When you want funding and you go a microfinance bank with your document, the bank would support you. The board of AWEP stood as guarantors for some of our members and so far everything is going well.

    In terms of structure, we have the national president and the national executive and six zonal vice presidents and state coordinators who work hand in hand with the grassroots. I used to be the vice president for the North East.

    Personally, how has AWEP helped your business?

    You know, it has helped me grow as a person. It has helped me to have better contacts, it has helped me to know that there is help out there for me and I have tapped into contacts. It makes it easy, you have something available and you know that you can reach out to someone out there.

    How easy were these lines of business?

    Not easy! Poultry farming is very difficult but it really depends on what you make of it and how good your staff are. The truth of the matter is that you ought to do a business that you understand and you are passionate about. I used to be a manufacturer in Lagos. I was manufacturing drums, candle making and was running a poultry farm in Oko-Oba in Lagos.

    What would you say made it easy for you?

    I come from a business background. My father was a businessman and we grew up with him doing business. So, it was natural for me and easy to manage.

    Did you study Agriculture?

    No, I didn’t study Agriculture. I am from the sciences, I studied in the UK.

    How has it been juggling family life with business?

    It’s not easy. As a woman, you have a lot of challenge and its tough balancing all. You always have to give up something for something. As a woman, you have your work, children, husband and other family obligations. But by the grace of God, everybody is managing. There is no point complaining about this, just do what you can for that day and continue when you wake up the next day.

    Is there something or someone that inspired you to do the things that you do?

    Oh yes! My husband inspires me every day, he encourages me. He never says don’t do it, he tells me to try. In addition, my father is an incredible support to me. I am lucky.

    If you had to advise Nigerian women, especially those at the grassroots, what would you tell them?

    At the grassroots, I would earnestly tell them to be dedicated and determined. A lot of women at the grassroots have small businesses, I would tell them to continue with the business and come together to grow. That is the only way to survive; you can’t do it alone. They should come together to form stronger cooperatives and once they do these things, it would get better.

    Is there something you consider as a memorable moment in your business?

    Yes, especially when you have worked so hard and you win a large contract and it benefits your community. It is things like that which inspire and motivate me.

  • Can I be a Secondary Virgin?

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu, Why should a girl keep her virginity till she’s married?

    Ibukun, 14

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    Since I stumbled on your column a few months ago, I’ve been addicted to reading you and my life has never been the same. I now have a change of heart about sex, amongst other things. However, it saddens my heart that I’m no longer a virgin and I keep wishing I could become a virgin again.  Can I become a secondary virgin?

    Nkechi, 17

    My great and wonderful Nigerian sisters,

    I am most delighted to be with you again today and filled with great joy in my heart to know that a good number of you want to remain chaste till you are married no matter what you’ve done in the past. Over time, I’ve gotten many text messages and calls from young girls and ladies who the devil has deceived into losing their salt. However, sometimes I don’t blame them but blame parents, guardians and spiritual leaders who ought to guide their children and sheep aright. However, I want you to know that no matter what you’ve done with yourself in the past, we are like clay in the hands of God and He is ever ready to re-mould us into that which would make us world-famous and heavenly-celebrated. So, get ready for the beginning of the best days of your life as you follow the principles handed down by God. Congratulations in advance!

    When I read Ibukun’s text, what came to my mind is the following scripture:

    “Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? It is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men.

    Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.”

    Matt.5:13-14

    Sweeties, have you forgotten so soon how after you lost your greatest treasure (your virginity) the guys you slept with suddenly broke your heart and spat you out of their mouths like gall? Do you enjoy being passed around while searching for love in the wrong places and having your emotions and body severely abused? God says you are the light of the world, a city which the whole world must acknowledge, respect and salute till eternity. Can you imagine all that accrues to you? Why should you waste it? Hmm…we are going somewhere!

    To start with, virginity means a state of being untouched, unexplored or unspoiled. It is your original uncontaminated self which carries your virtues which is the goodness which encompasses your potential, talents and every good quality that can make you productive and stand you out. And your first sexual intercourse has heavy spiritual significance. It could pollute your life and divert the course of your destiny. Every sexual intercourse creates a strong bond between you and everyone you sleep with and they can introduce all sorts into your destiny as well as drain you of virtues God has given you to live a beautiful life. It could make life so difficult for you and may render you very useless. It could lead you to a life of ill-luck, trouble, struggle, failure, non-achievement, late marriage or wrong marriage, poverty, a life of frustration etc. Such a life is open to demonic invasion; polluted, contaminated with every bad thing in the life of the sexual partner. And with every partner, comes a covenant. It doesn’t matter that your aunties or friends have had strings of boyfriends all their lives and they are having a ball. The ugly consequence will always rear its head. Also, we all have different destinies and whether you believe this or not, there are some destinies the devil (who in the first instance is against God’s wish for our life) is poised to destroy completely because he knows they could threaten his kingdom if they are allowed to manifest. Also, there are some girls whose glory, star, shinning and core mission on earth is tied to their virginity. Esther the slave girl would never have become a queen if she had lost her virginity before the contest neither would Mary have had the super privilege to conceive Jesus Christ.

    Now, what happens when a girl has been deflowered since high school by someone whose life is bereft of any form of goodness? Hmm….girls….girls…girls, I hope you are following me? There’s so much to your life and your destiny which your parents probably don’t even know. And you have to be extremely careful because life is a mystery and the whole world lies in wickedness. It would only take the grace of God for most women to live a fulfilled life. And in this generation of youth, painfully, the devil seems to be having a field day. Sad! Very sad! I’ll deal with this issue extensively soon.

    Now, too many girls have ignorantly gone on a ruinous path and have become so polluted such that their “original” no longer exists and what should make them wonderful wonders have been stolen. But you know what? God wants to showcase the lives of Nigerian girls in the world for many generations to come, make us champions of chastity and is starting with you today! Yes, you can be a secondary virgin and recover your super-duper original. I’ll tell you how next week, God willing. God loves you, so do I!

  • ‘How Kora Awards changed my life’

    ‘How Kora Awards changed my life’

    As an entertainment consultant, CEO of Qtaby Events and Entertainment, Victoria Nkong, has been around the world practising her craft. However, she says life’s turns eventually led her to showing her humane side by setting up the Jegede Paul Foundation and an orphanage home, all by the age of 25. The former Personal Assistant to President of KORA Mr. Ernest Adjovi, speaks with Ovwe Medeme on her journey so far.

    HOW did you get here? I started out with a degree in Modern Languages, so I speak French and Spanish. That linked me to my first major job which was with KORA Africa Music Awards as a PA to the KORA President. From there, I became a bilingual presenter for KORA Awards. Then, eventually, I got trained as a line producer. I produced for the main KORA Awards and a couple of other events that ran under KORA for a while. At some point, I had to come back home. There was an event in my life that was a turning point for me. I lost an elder sister. It sort of turned my family around and my parents were no longer comfortable with the idea of having me jump off and on a plane every day, heading to several destinations for events. I also lost a bit of interest in life generally, so I decided to come back home and start a charity, something that I felt had a humane side that would give me a better meaning to life. So I got back to Nigeria and went into Human Resources Consulting. But on the other hand, I decided to set up life fountain orphanage home and the Jegede Paul Foundation. One or two years after the charity was running, I got the drive to get back to business because even to run a charity, you need funds. So I went back to what I know how to do best, which is entertainment. We just finished producing the last controversial Headies 2015. We were able to also ensure that while we were running that huge production, the orphanage home did not suffer. The foundation activities as well did not suffer.

    How were you able to fit into the Nigerian scene, given obvious differences?

    In sincerity, I won’t mince words, it was difficult. It was difficult because it was like going through a different school entirely. The first major project we did was for a dinner for the Italian Navy on their aircraft carrier ship that berthed in Nigeria. They did a tour of like 24 countries, so when they were coming to Nigeria, our South African partners immediately referred us to them because they worked with us outside Nigeria and they know how we work. But then, when we had to hire technical hands locally. We had to make people understand what they meant. For us, it’s always been important for the clients to get more than they pay you for. But then, when you are working with a team locally and you’re trying to marshal things the way you are used to, it was a different ball game. There’s lateness to contend with. There’s trying to make people see the vision of excellence of delivery around here; trying to make people understand that as a client, your word is supposed to be law. It was quite hectic. In the end, I needed like nine lives to pull that event through and it wasn’t an event you want to also mess with because referrals came all the way from Cape Town South Africa. Also, it was like a diplomatic event. We had the Italian ambassador; we had a couple of ambassadors from the Italian embassies. That’s also difficult because we come from a place where we give you exact figures for what we need to deliver and we deliver it.

    When did you take the decision to return back to the entertainment scene?

    I made that call sometime in 2013, towards the end of the year when I felt that I had finished setting up the orphanage and it could run itself. I then needed to go out there and continue making money to assist with funding the place.

    How would you appraise the Nigerian entertainment scene?

    It’s big business in Nigeria, if you ask me. Aside the oil boom, the next thing that has had a serious boom in Nigeria is the entertainment, whether it is music or acting. But then again, we have people who have been in this industry for quite a while, who have not seen the need to professionalise it. So, we have people still seeing entertainers as unserious people. It’s not true; we work really hard in this industry. We work twice as hard as the people in the bank, but again, we haven’t done ourselves the right service. We don’t have proper insurance, though a couple of people are trying to start that now. We have artistes whose talents have proven that they should be at an international level. They are earning money but they don’t have the right team to take them to that next level, to give them that kind of respect. They don’t have the right team to ensure that even the brands they are affiliated with get the desired privileges attached to getting an artiste and as an ambassador. There’s still a lot we need to put in place for the Nigerian entertainment industry.

    As a lady, how would you describe life behind the scene?

    I think it’s a decision. My life is actually in two aspects. As an event producer, you really need to learn to stay behind the scene. If you do not learn to discipline yourself, you will get carried away and the job will not be done. So, I tell everyone on my team never try to struggle the stardom with the stars. We are supposed to be the star makers, so I try to keep it at that. You can’t come to an event and see me glamorously dressed. I do that on purpose. As an artiste manager, at times, it is also inevitable to get seen but that’s a different angle entirely. I now know how to balance keeping the star makers. It was something I learnt when I was producing KORA, suddenly I had to deal with celebrities I had seen on TV.

    What pushed you to setting up a foundation?

    The first rule of my life is to be different. I’ve always been different from the norm. From the charity angle, I see it as an assignment I had from childhood. I grew up happy putting a smile on other people’s faces. I grew up giving my elder sister my lunch money in school and staying hungry just to ensure she’s happy. I grew up finding out that I cannot sing to save my life. I hardly have any other aspect I can handle well in church so I went on a soul searching at some point in my life to know what I could also do and it was clear to me that it was charity. So I gave myself an age deadline. I told myself that by the time I’m 25, I would love to have started something in that direction. I didn’t know how I was going to achieve that, but each day I went out on the streets and I saw a child begging or a child hawking, I bled. I came from a background where I was lucky to have my bills paid for all through my growing up age but I didn’t choose that. I might as well have been that child on the road hawking bananas or plantain. And then something remarkable changed my life when I was leaving secondary school. We went on an excursion to an orphanage home. There were these pretty little children all in their cots and seemingly at peace. Now I made the move to pick up one of the babies and she wouldn’t let me put her down again. She kept crying. So my heart reached out to that girl and then I told myself that the only way to go would be to have an orphanage home where I can try to set up something as close as possible to a family setting for children. When I lost my sister eventually, I knew that was the halting time. Luckily, for me, I met with the CEO of Jabo Oil. I had some savings but not enough to put up the dream I had. And he, with a very large heart, keyed into the vision immediately and has always kept his part of the bargain to do 85% financing and also be a father to the kids at the home. We also embark on a lot of projects for the foundation, empowerment projects for slums and for widows and he has always gone the nine mile with me.

    So you had a soft landing?

    Almost, but finance is still not everything because when you are planning, it looks easier than when you get into it actually. When I had my first five children, I realised what challenges could be; both emotional challenges, financial challenges. Right now, we have 17 children. We’ve had up to 25 kids in the past but some of them got adopted, some found their parents.

    How do you get the kids for your homes?

    For regulatory reasons, we are registered with the Lagos State Government Ministry of Youth and Social Development. So every child we get comes from the government. Even when we see a child in a vulnerable situation, we alert the person in charge in Alausa. They go and do the rescue and then hand the child over to us. We do that to protect ourselves as well as the child. We don’t want a situation where they come and accuse us of being a baby-making factory. If we ever go to rescue a child ourselves, it would have been that we received a call from the government to pick the child up.

    What has been your most emotional moment running the foundation?

    There are several of them. There is a particular child who came in a very critical condition. I was called at about 11:30 at night that the child was almost dying at the orphanage. I was in my house in Lekki. I drove down by midnight alone through the Third Mainland Bridge to pick up the child, took him to the hospital. Within the same night, we did four trips to the hospital and back. The doctor kept trying but he didn’t tell me it was beyond him. He suggested that we should go see a consultant at LASUTH. Now, my driver wasn’t available at that time of the night. I had to drive myself and the child to LASUTH. We were kept for about two hours and we were eventually told that the hospital was full and we needed to go somewhere else. They referred us to LUTH. This was about 2:30am. Long story short, we found a private paediatrician who finally stabilised the child at about 5pm the next day. So between 2am and 5pm we were battling with the child. I missed my MBA exam trying to get the child stable. After that time, I had to nurture that child for a full year. He came to us at three years old and when he was getting to a year and five months, we found his biological father. I had become so attached to the child, so when the father took him back, I had to lock myself up and I cried throughout the night. I felt like I was losing my own baby.

  • ‘Course in marriage  should be compulsory’

    ‘Course in marriage should be compulsory’

    Jacqueline Ogoh is a broadcaster who is passionate about issues affecting women, the girl-child and child rights. In this interview with YETUNDE OLADEINDE, she talks about life while working on documentaries, with Channels Television, Voice of America, amongst other issues.

    THE senate rejected the Gender Equality Bill recently, what does this portend for women?

    The equality bill is not a useless bill. I would want the Nigerian male to come up with the consciousness that the nation cannot develop without women. The country that does not move forward would stagnate and things would be slow. Development is like a metamorphosis; we cannot develop without the women’s participation and inputs.

    For instance, you cannot be talking about maternal mortality bill without the women. The rate is on the high side. We are losing about 60 per cent of our women to this. So, making women have equal role, have equal space should not be an issue. America is called America because women are allowed to play their roles. Look at the way Hilary Clinton is being celebrated and I know that a lot of men will vote for her.

    How do you combine media work with gender rights?

    I am a media consultant and a Gender Rights advocate whose news reports have permeated the walls of the world, so will my voice of advocacy permeate the wall of Africa and beyond; to institute the change that will make the world more interesting.

    I did my Youth Service with Imo Broadcasting Service as a radio presenter, where I caught the flame for broadcasting. I later joined Edo Broadcasting Service, Benin City where I worked for four years as a junior editor, before joining Channels Television as news production editor, programme presenter, senior reporter and editor, for eight years, before leaving in 2005.

    From there, I hooked up with the Voice of America, where I reported for seven years, both on VOA Radio and T.V, between 2007 and 2014. Even while I was doing this, I was also doing media consultancy because I have a registered outfit.

    In the process, I handled several documentaries and special reports on women, domestic violence and child issues. For example, I did two documentaries and documentary for Project Alert.  I also did another documentary for Media Concern Initiative for Women and it had to do with child sexual abuse. I also handled the documentary for the first anniversary of CLEEN Foundation.

    Let’s talk about some of the interesting cases that you have handled

    I did the report of Titi Arowolo, the Skye Bank lady banker who was killed by her husband.  I followed up that story and did it for Voice of America. I also did the court judgment when it was granted for Voice of America. That story is actually one that is touching and I did have some interest in that story for some specific reasons that I would mention now. That lady was going through violence and obviously because when project alert did a rally, we met some of her friends and colleagues who really felt so bad about her death. They said she used to come to the office, cover her face with dark glasses and each time they saw this, she would tell them she fell and try to cover up. A lot of women go through the same thing but because of social stigmatisation, they do not want to open up. It doesn’t work out this way because at the end of the day, it is a circle of violence.

    Some of the fine cars on the streets are bought by men who beat their wives. Some of the fine dresses they wear to parties come out of beating. They usually say, he would change one day, maybe he beats me because he loves me so much. Women should not be afraid to come out to say this is what is happening to me.

    I also did a documentary on a woman that came from Congo, it was a mini documentary. This woman ran all the way from Congo to Nigeria because her husband was abusing her violently and sexually abusing her children. She came back from the market one day and saw her four-year daughter sucking the penis of her husband.  She ran for her life with two of her kids to Nigeria. That was one of the things that inspired me to work on gender advocacy.

    What inspired the report you just did on mainstreaming gender reporting on Affirmative Action of Women and Girls Rights?

    Journalists for Christ collaborated with the West African Association of Christian Journalists (WAAC), worked on a report to find out how the media was reporting issues affecting women and girls. At the end of the day, six newspapers were monitored and the findings are what we have in this report. The findings showed that some women had become media stereotypes and there is need to make use of other women who know so much in their fields.

    There is this excuse that women would want to take excuses from their husbands but the truth is that there are other women who are well educated and well grounded. Women are already marginalised but the media should not further marginalise them. Also, there are women in the rural areas that grassroots reporters should not shut their eyes against. We should seek out women who are doing unique things in the grassroots. Women who have cassava mills that they have used to send children to the university, those children are well placed today and the efforts of such women should not be swept under the carpet.

    What do you think is responsible for the slow progress on the campaign?

    I strongly think our law enforcement agents should be adequately trained on the handling of domestic violence. Domestic violence involves physical battery, which is assault. Assault is a crime under the Nigerian constitution; we also know very clearly that anything criminal is not a matter to be handled with kids’ gloves. If armed robbery is handled seriously, then assault should be handled seriously as the criminal offence that it is. A physically and emotionally battered woman cannot contribute meaningfully to national development. For development to be rapid and complete, all meaningful players must be involved. When a women who has been battered goes to the police station to report a case of assault, a law enforcer should not be asking these very questions that cause double trauma, ”Madam what did you do?” ”Go back to your husband. It’s a family issue”. The law has been broken and a woman is bleeding and a law-enforcement agent is asking, ‘what did you do?’ When an armed robber is robbing, does a policeman stop to ask him, ”Why are you robbing?” Is he not supposed to swing into action immediately to combat the crime?

    What can be done to curb the rising trend of violence in our society?

    Now, I also think that a home ridden with domestic violence should not be where parents take sides. If your son or daughter is an abuser, correct him or her. Don’t validate violence. If your child ends up committing murder, your super kid will simply end up with death by hanging or life imprisonment. Tell me, how does such a crime upgrade any parent’s portfolio?

    The church needs to also ensure that an abused woman is not being sent back to a very dangerous abuser because the bible says God hates divorce. If God hates divorce, please someone answer me, does he like murder? The same bible says, ”wisdom is profitable to direct”.

    Parents should not force daughters, especially, to marry, because they want to wear aso-ebi and sit on the high table, call a big musician and have a monumental party.

    A lot of parents don’t investigate the background of a potential son-in-law to know if he has a history of abuse. They just imagine how he will look on the wedding day with their daughter and the pretty clothes!

    What should be done when a person is abused?

    When reporters handle such reports, details should be sought after and during investigations. Check if neighbours have ignored the existence of abuse around them. Check if the abuser is a serial abuser. Check if fear of social stigmatisation kept the woman or man in a bad marriage, so that the society will know how they are contributing to crimes by gossiping and not being sympathetic towards the abuse. The duration of abuse matters, the handling of the situation by law enforcers also matters. If there are physical wounds, reports from medical examination matter. These help the courts too and the role of the journalist is important and deep when it comes to investigation on sexual violence or child molestation, to in-depth reporting.

    How can the government help to reduce this trend?

    At this point, I think our government should start thinking of making, at least, a course in marriage compulsory in our higher institutions, just like some compulsory electives, before undergraduates leave school. The reality usually is that they rush out of school into the hands of parents, who push many into marriages without research findings. By research, l am clearly not talking about herbalist findings. You can do the physical leg work yourself for your child as well as pray and fast. God still reveals. In my advocacy, I’m making myself a sacrifice to help others, because of my experience. Jesus laid his life down. He gained it. I will gain mine again.

  • Falling helplessly in love

    GARBAGE in, garbage out. This, naturally, means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This, perhaps, talks about the ideal situation in love, the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’ song ‘When somebody loves you back’. He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many getting the fifty- fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors, as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her a prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

     Yet no reply, and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this. She had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs, could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that, all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts, but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river; you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Re: In love with my son’s fiancee

    LIFE brings with it all sorts of emotional hardships, many of which are inflicted by others. Things rarely go our way, except we make an effort to work hard at them and human beings are continually developing psychologically and emotionally. We can be very difficult to put up with at different times throughout our lives. We do life-threatening things to others either unconsciously or out of one form of exuberance or the other without sparing a single thought about the damning effect on the victim. And this has not only ruined lives but diverted some lives from the right path they should have followed. We are often the cause of great sorrow to others, and others to us. Some of our actions have turned others to emotional wrecks. Emotional hardships lead to sorrow, and sorrow in turn can become a way of life if you allow it to develop and make you live in the past.

    Such is the case of the story of the man published last week. Four years into his marriage, his wife disappeared with his kids and most of the money he had. He decided not to love any woman again and remain unmarried. Many years after, he meets a girl 30 years younger than him whose angelic qualities make him change his mind. He invests his entire heart on her and her for three years she appears to be what matters most to him on earth until her father separates them. He refuses to let her out of his heart and soul even when she is out of sight for years. Nine years later, he discovers her again just about the time he reunites with his children, but now as his son’s fiancée. Surprisingly, he still loves her with a passion and is troubled. A few readers sent their candid advice.

    Dear Temilolu,

    I am short of words and sincere apologies to the father. I feel he should build a strong relationship with his son because I believe that’s the most important thing. Anna Maria will complicate the relationship between father and son. It would be selfish of the father to rekindle his love with Anna at the expense of his son. I feel the lady should not be with either of the men. The father has to compromise and forget the lady and his heart will heal again by the grace of God even though it’s going to be difficult considering his experience with love. And as for the son, if he really doesn’t want to strain the relationship between him and his dad, he should leave the lady. It’s not easy but for the family’s sake. May peace of God surround that family and whatever decision is made.

    Anonymous

    Dear Temilolu,

    The man should have held his peace knowing fully well the girl is now the fiancée of his reunited son. The boy could damn him and abscond with his girl without looking back, after all he was never part of his growing life. The man should have concealed his romantic affection so as not to bedevil his heritage with the erotic fate that has become his lot. Something of this nature almost happened between me and my friend’s daughter. I was quick to curtail her to avert a scandal that would have assumed a humongous scale.

    Frank

    Dear ma,

    As difficult and turbulent as life could be, you are entitled to all the happiness in the world, however you have deprived yourself of it over the years. Since you decided not to love another woman or remarry after Onome gave you the shock of your life and disappeared with your kids, you unconsciously trained your mind to live in the past which is why you find it difficult to let go of Anna Maria. You must understand that what is done happened in the past and the past cannot be undone but you have the power to erase it from your heart. By looking to the past, we are perpetuating our mental pain. It’s perfectly alright to learn from the past but it is certainly not so to be obsessed by events in the past. We continue to be a helpless victim if we allow someone or something that took place in the past to be the main thought in our mind, as it becomes a clog in the wheel of our progress. And if you are not careful, you may die a miserable old man.

    It is absolutely acceptable for you to want and deserve everything in your life and there is entirely no reason that your dreams can’t come true. You are worthy of achieving anything and everything that you put your mind to and that is exactly what is going to happen. How? You are going to forget about your relationship with Anna Maria and crush your deep love for her. Befriend the Holy Spirit and it will empower you and release you from pain. Just the way you convinced yourself that your children will find you some day, you will begin to magnetise your dream woman – a better Anna Maria. You will make a conscious effort to picture her in your heart every day, fantasise about the sort of life you would love to live with her and one day, in fact sooner than you expect, you’ll find her.

    I can’t tell your son not to marry Anna Maria in spite the fact that you deflowered her because she may have resolved her past with God and aligned her ways with Him. You should just play the role of a father that you are and allow God into this situation. I assure you, things would go as God wants. And I pray for you with all my heart that your latter days on earth would be full of joy in Jesus mighty name!

    Sincerely,

    Pastor Temilolu

  • In love with my son’s fiancee

    DEAR Temilolu, I am a Geologist and I worked for a multi-national oil company before my retirement. I don’t know how I fell in love with Onome, all I know is that we had a relationship and before I knew what was happening, she was pregnant for me. Eventually, I paid her dowry. She wanted a legal marriage but I told her point-blank that I didn’t believe in it. After she moved in with me, she started living a life of affluence she could only dream of. I bought her a brand new car and also sponsored her university education. Not long after, she had another child. She had never flown in an aircraft before. I took her to a good number of countries and spoilt her silly. She told me she would rather go into business after her university education and I got her the franchise to sell one of the world’s leading body cream brands. Also, she wanted to run a spa/hair salon which I set up for her and in fact it was one of the first few spas in Nigeria at that time. At this time, she was 27, while I was 33.

    Onome never showed any signs of promiscuity but my 4-year-old daughter would always whisper into my ears that her mother always left her at the spa and went away with one uncle or the other. I never believed my child until I got back home one day and found out that Onome had broken into my safe, taken my children’s passports, 100,000 dollars and travelled with my children. Also, I got to know she had sold the spa and her franchise. Eventually, I found out that she had been a “street girl” before she met me and all she wanted was a rich guy she could milk. I was dazed and in great sorrow as her action shook my world. I loved my children with all my heart but they were nowhere to be found. Even her family claimed ignorance of her action. She made me detest women and I stayed away from them.

    I was determined not to marry again because my heart was mangled and I could not withstand any more pain. I consoled myself from time to time and believed my children would find me some day. As for my sexual desires, I was able to suppress them but had a fling once in a while with white women whenever I travelled abroad.

    Several years later, while on official transfer in Port-Harcourt, I met Anna Maria, a beautiful half-caste. She was 19, and I was 49. She was an angel and I fell hopelessly in love with her and decided to wait till she completed her university education, then marry her. Her mother – my very good friend and colleague at work who had to go for a course abroad – insisted I played the role of her father and let her live with me. She knew I was not a way-ward man and could better the lot of her daughter and discipline her whenever the need arose. Those were the best days of my life as I had joy, peace, a beautiful dream living under my roof. I constantly battled with my sexual desires for her. I almost lost my mind because I desperately wanted her to be a part of me and share even the tiniest bit of my life with her but I had to wait, wait, and wait. She knew I was in love with her and so she respected my feelings for her. I spoilt her silly as she was the only person that mattered to me in the world asides my children who were nowhere to be found.

    One day, her father who had been estranged from her mother barged into my house with the police and accused me of kidnapping his daughter. Without much ado, the very essence of my being was whisked abroad and my dreams shattered in my face. I wept like a baby. For some months, it affected my concentration at work. I looked at her picture everyday wishing she would appear at my door-step. I never heard from her mother but heard much later that she died. I completely lost interest in women. My heart had become a mess and I was hypertensive.

    Last year on my way back from a vacation in Paris, as I waited at Charles De Gaulle Airport for my departure to Lagos, a young man who had been sitting beside me all the while had just bought a book which caught my interest and I asked to flip through it after he wrote his name in the book. As I opened the book, I saw my son’s name boldly written. I asked him about his father, he said he died in a plane crash when he was two years old. I asked for his mother’s first name and he said Onome. You can imagine what happened thereafter. I reunited with my children 28 years after their mother wickedly took them away. The following week, I accompanied my son to the airport to pick his fiancée who was returning from the U.S. Lo and behold, my son’s fiancée turns out to be my angel- Anna Maria. Before she fainted out of shock, we stared at each other for a long time and I know what went through her mind at that point. The night before her father took her away from me, we could not resist each other anymore. She willingly gave herself to me; I deflowered her and promised to be with her for the rest of my life. I even told her I would like to die in her arms in my old age. Now, my angel is back. I told my son about our relationship. My son is crazy about her. I still love her with a passion and I have a feeling she does too. I am in great pain. What shall I do?

    • Readers, please feel fre
  • A different kettle of fish

    DAYO is a woman with a bleeding heart. She was in a relationship for three years and had so many expectations about it. Just when she was thinking of how life would be together, the man walked away with a lady who lived adjacent to her house. Heartbroken, she decided not to fish for another heart again. Five months after, a brand new heart came along and the chemistry was just right. They worked in the same building and they saw each other on a regular basis. They got engaged the following year and marriage plans were in top gear. Now that she had found love, she looked more radiant and attractive. Two weeks to her wedding day, she got a call from her fiancé’s cousin that he died in a car crash. She was devastated and her world came crashing like a pack of cards.

    During the week, yours truly read about the story of a woman with a similar experience. This heart just could not bear the loss and so she killed herself. It was obvious that she loved him so much and just could not imagine what life would be like without the love of her life. Can you imagine a woman jumping to her death barely an hour after her man dies? Well, that was exactly what she did.

    This 36-year-old woman committed suicide by jumping from the eighth floor of her Noida flat on Tuesday. According to Noida police and residents of Prateek Laurel in Sector 119 where the couple lived, her husband Anurag Aggarwal (39) was rushed to Fortis Hospital following complaints of chest pain Tuesday afternoon.

    “He died in the hospital after a cardiac arrest at 2 pm. His wife, Monica Aggarwal (36), jumped from the balcony at around 3 pm. She was rushed to a hospital where she was declared brought in dead. The couple have a six-year-old daughter,” said Deputy Superintendent of Police (Noida City) Anoop Kumar.

    Interestingly, Monica is not alone. In a similar incident that happened about a week earlier, Assistant Commissioner of Police Amit Singh allegedly shot himself with his service revolver. Upset over his death, his wife also jumped from the balcony of their fourth floor residence in Noida’s Sector 100, minutes later. Two days after the incident, she succumbed to injuries. They are survived by an 18-month-old daughter.

    Modern day Romeo and Juliet! That is what comes to mind here. Most hearts in this position do not last a day apart. Even old couples who have lived with one another for decades have shown that they are irrelevant without the heart they promised to love till death do them apart. They just cannot afford to stay on when the heart that they cherish pass away. For this group of people, it is nothing but total love.

    The first thing that comes to mind here would be how you get the best from a relationship. How do you connect with a heart that is sincere and really loves you? The crux of the matter is that there are no straight answers to these emotional questions. A lot of times, it is a game of luck, chance as well as winning the right heart.

    Experts inform that in true love, the development of self is the most important ingredient for success. In this case, what you observe is that in the relationship both parties should want the best for one another. Conversely, what you get in toxic love is quite different. Here, the primary focus is on the relationship itself, sometimes the parties involved would obsess over how the two people involved interface in the relationship.

    For hearts that are liberal and genuine, the best thing you crave for is true love. Here you can be sure of comfort in separate interests. The experience would be great; you also have your own friends and meaningful relationships outside of such romantic relationships. In addition to all this, you also discover that there is excitement because you can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand.

    It is different kettle of fish with love that is toxic. Even though there is total involvement in one another’s lives, one can’t go anywhere without the other. This is codependency that brings no result. Here, there is an obsession with trying to change your partner into someone you’d rather be with instead of loving them for who they are. Sadly, the conversations in this type of relationship are intended to blame, defend, or manipulate your partner.

    As you explore their world, you find a lot of strains and pressure. For instance, sex for the couple would be something they feel pressured over due to fear, insecurity. The feeling therefore would be as though they have to conform to the sexual desires of their partner.

    However, if what you are experiencing is true love, there would be no struggle in embracing the individuality of the other person. You are dealing with hearts that are matured, intimacy is a free choice that grows from love and trust, caring and friendship. In true love, every conversation is constructive, the hearts concerned are trying to understand and help, or convey affection to the hearts that they treasure.

  • Nigerian amazons  in the Diaspora

    Nigerian amazons in the Diaspora

    For women all over the world, it is celebration galore. It’s women’s history month and this Tuesday, women groups are marking the International Women’s Day. It is time to clink glasses for the gains recorded, identify the potentialities, as well as chart a way forward.  In this report, Yetunde Oladeinde takes a look at Nigerian women making waves in the Diaspora.

    AS you scroll the pages of newspaper, blogs and other social media, you come across all kinds of stories of fraud and other vices linked with those you think should be role models and good ambassadors. Interestingly, there are also some Nigerians who have written and continue to write their names in gold serving as role models to the younger generation.

    One of such people is Patti Boulaye. She became a recipient of one of Britain’s highest honours – Officer of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire (OBE) – a few weeks back. The celebrity who gained international recognition after starring in Lux (a toilet soap) commercials in the 1980s received her medal at the Buckingham Palace.

    Apart from Boulaye who has been around for a while, there are a number of Nigerian women who have proved their mettle.

    In the pack, you also find Banke Kuku, an award-winning textile designer who fuses traditional west-African and Western-eclectic inspiration to create intricate, unique and luxurious fabrics for interiors, soft furnishings and fashion.

    Born in Lagos, Banke moved to the United Kingdom at the age of eight. This cultural fusion heavily influences her bold patterns, resulting in statement prints with captivating impact. Nicknamed the ‘Queen of Colour’, Banke’s prints have been described as ‘exquisite pieces of art’ by one of the world’s most influential trend forecasters, Lidewij Edelkoort.

    Kuku recollects: “I have been fascinated with textiles as far back as I can remember. I was knitting at age five. I would always pick the floral dresses and draw patterns on everything with a felt tip pen! So it was a very natural and easy decision for me.

    “I chose to study textiles design after school, and I went from Central St Martins to Chelsea College of Art and Design, specialising in woven textiles, and published a book: ‘The Unwoven Threads of Nigeria’, which was an assessment of the state of the Nigerian textiles industry.”

    So how did she earn the name Queen of Colour? “I was given the name Queen of Colour whilst working for a fashion house called Jasmine Di Milo, which was a UK-based brand owned by Jasmine Alfayed, who is the daughter of Mohammed Alfayed, former owner of Harrods. The creative director named me the Queen of Colour as I was able to dye fabrics to the exact colour specification.”

    In 2014, she was selected from thousands of applicants to win Triumph’s ‘Women in Making’ competition for female creatives. She was selected by a judging panel which included such fashion stalwarts as Roksanda Ilincic and Sophia Webster.

    To date, her key inspiration has been the explosion of life and colour in her native west-African tropical rainforest (the Niger Delta), and she has weaved these designs into luxury fabrics and textures to create a unique, striking aesthetic. Her pieces are intense, quirky and elegant. The resultant intrepid designs, through collaborations with fashion houses including Duro Olowu, Jewel by Lisa, Virgos Lounge and Lot78, have been worn by the likes of Michelle Obama, singer Kelis and Catt Sadler.

    In the political sphere, Nigerian-born Spanish politician, legal adviser and writer, Helen Mukoro, comes to mind. Last year, the amazon shook the world when she became the first Afro-European to contest for European Presidency in Spain. Interestingly, she launched herself to limelight when she contested as the Mayor of Denia earlier last year on the platform of Union De Todos, a party she founded. She lost the seat by a narrow margin but remained unbowed, as she takes her political ambition to a higher level. “I’m a political icon here in Spain and Europe to the Nigeria/African and Latin American countries. I made history as the first Nigerian-European to run for the seat of Mayor in Spain and Europe and the first African-European immigrant to found and float a political party UNION DE TODOS here in Spain and Europe.”

    Mukoro, a writer, legal consultant and forensic expert, was born in Delta State, Nigeria to Mr Anthony Mukoro (the late Director General of the defunct Bendel State Government Treasury’s Cash Office, and Mrs Mary Mukoro & Apkomudjere). Young Mukoro attended Saint Ita’s Girls College, Sapele, Delta State, and as she acquired education and training became a woman of many parts.

     “I hold a degree in Social Education, Masters degree in Criminology, Certificate in Criminal Law, Postgraduate Certificate in Tax and Labour Management, a Postgraduate Certificate in Forensic Psychology, a Postgraduate Certificate in Immigration and Domestic Violence, as well as a Diploma Certificate in Agriculture from the College of Agriculture, Anwai, Delta State, Nigeria.”

    Mukoro became a naturalised Spanish citizen in September 16, 2013 and gradually gained acceptance in the Spanish society. “I live accordingly here in Spain. I do everything a citizen ought to do, and I thank God for what this country made me become. I grew up here. I learned the ways. I went to school here. And I would absolutely never take security and the defence of this country lightly. I feel a sense of pride in contributing to the national growth of Spain and Nigeria.”

    She adds: “I also went to school in Nigeria and worked as a civil servant at the Governor’s Office in Benin City and Asaba when Delta State was created, deployed by the Ministry of Agriculture, before I came to Spain in 1992. To Nigeria and Spain, I say thank you. The heart of the Spanish government and the Spanish community desire to seek among all, the end of social injustice, the Spanish Constitution (article 14), does not tolerate any form of discrimination. I affirm and recognise that immigrants are well treated by the institutions and the country at large, in the same political voice and manner as citizens.”

    Mukoro discloses some of the lessons learnt when she contested for the Mayor of Denia last year. “Yes, I contested for the Mayor of Denia on May 24, 2015. The party was less than three months old when I contested. It was a wild ride and I like a challenging experience, I give endless thanks to GOD for giving me the unique opportunity to experience it. Yes, I formed and floated a political party UNION DE TODOS, but members of our political party come from a variety of political traditions internally democratic with different experiences on the strategy and tactics of political action.”

    Cat walking and strutting the runway is a skill that our models have perfected over the years. Oluchi Onweagba Orlandi continues to thrill Nigerians and mesmerise her fans. From nothing, she was discovered as a teenager in the M-Net Face of Africa competition in 1998. Her qualification to fame was her talent, beauty, height, physique and a smile that was irresistible.

    These opened other doors for her and she got a $159,000 three-year modelling contract with Elite Model Management.

    From there, the sky would not be her limit. She made her entrance on the runway in 1998 for designer Marc Bouwer, and then was chosen for cover girl of ‘Nars Cosmetics.’ She did print work for Lancome in 2004, and also catalogue work for Bergdorf Goodman and famous Victoria’s Secret; she also became a member of the elite Victoria’s Secret angels.

    Oluchi, relocating to New York City, pursued her career relentlessly and rose to supermodel status in 2002. She was featured in several fashion magazines, to include spotting the covers of Italian Vogue, Marie Claire, ELLE, Nylon, Untold, Surface, Allure and so on. She has also been featured in Forbes Africa, one of the world’s most influential magazines, and also Arise, Destiny, Mania, New African Woman, Flair and so on.

    Oluchi did not stop there, she became the face of campaigns for clothing lines such as Gap, Banana Republic, Gianfranco Ferre, Express, and Ann Taylor. She has worked with prominent photographers such as David LaChapelle, Steven Meisel who photographed her for covers of Italian Vogue, Patrick Demarchelier and Nick Knight.

    Highlights of her career include her seven straight years work for Victoria’s Secret, a great achievement.

    Her catwalk runway experience has been with famous designers such as Giorgio Armani, Chanel, Christian Dior, Gucci, John Galliano, Kenneth Cole, and Tommy Hilfiger, among others.

    Oluchi is not just a beauty but a beauty with brains. Asides her modelling career, she volunteers her time working with NGOs such as LEAP Africa and NIPRO. She graduated from New York University with a Bachelor’s degree in Management. Her work takes her across world capitals such as London, Paris, Milan and Tokyo. Oluchi is married to an Italian fashion designer, Luca Orlandi. The couple live in the US with their sons, Ugo and Marco.

  • Memorable love notes

    THE chicken moved around looking for something to peck at. It was young, beautiful and restless. The first move was to hang around Mr. A, but somehow there was no chemistry here. Instead, Mr. A looked for a big stick indicating that pretty chickens (chics) are not welcomed here. Of course, that signal meant that the chic should look for someone who would appreciate the gestures. So, it walked towards Mr. B and he poured some of the biscuit crumbs on the ground and it swooped on it.

     Like Oliver Twist, our pretty young chic waited, asking for more, and like a cheerful giver, Mr. B gave more biscuits. Two can play? Just before the answer came, he noticed that a tiny piece of rag had been tied around the right leg. Oh no! This rope means something that won’t make it easy tagging along with his impulse. That was not the only sign of ownership. A red paint was visible on the left leg too.

    Haba! All this for identification? Why not! You go all the way to give a tag to something you love, cherish and adore. Even if it strays, the message here is don’t touch, don’t trespass and don’t take away. Unfortunately, a number of chics are roaming aimlessly around without any form of identification. The crux of the matter here is that if you allow your chic to roam about and you cannot identify it, then it may be missing for a while or gone forever.

    This is exactly what happened to two lovebirds recently. Hardest hit by the emotional miscalculations is our dear Shewa and she is feeling bad because everyone thought she was too slow in the emotional process. Though she has come to terms with the break up, she is still finding it difficult to create space for a new romance.

    The damsel met Kunle on campus and they had a wonderful relationship. He assisted her with her studies and they complemented each other in different ways. They were very close, but somehow Kunle made no promises. It was a very cordial relationship and Shewa did not allow him more than a nuzzle in public. On his part, Kunle played the role of the good guy and never attempted to take advantage of his adorable chic.

    They graduated and both passed in flying colours. Barely two years after, Kunle got a scholarship and he had to travel out of the country for the proverbial greener pastures. When he broke the news to Shewa, she was devastated. Her friend, Morenike, was also afraid for her: “You know all these guys, the way they behave once you are out of sight. I hope you are not going to lose this guy after all you have done for him.”

    No way! Her dear Kunle won’t do that, she consoled herself. Time certainly will tell. On the day he was travelling out, Kunle stopped by at Shewa’s place to say goodbye and he asked her to see him off to the airport. That was a great reassurance indeed. Looks like she was the queen of the emotional manor after all. There was no other girl in sight or so it seemed. She began to imagine that their love letters and phone calls would crisscross the globe. She also imagined how she was going to stash these memorable love notes in her dresser drawer.The last set of imaginations that ran riot was when she would finally be reunited with him in Nigeria or having to travel over to join him where he was.

    Dreaming? Why not? it is better to dream sometimes. She got back home late that night. Her love was airborne and possibly thinking about her too. This distance relationship was just for a while, ‘everything, I’m going to be alright’, she consoled herself and smiled. Her smile lit up the room and her eyes creased with joy. Sleep finally came and she saw her sweetheart in dreamland. Good omen? Sadly, the days ran into weeks, months and years but there was no call and no letters.

    From friends, she got the ‘didn’t I warn you’ signal. The only information that sipped in came from Kunle’s mother. “Hello, my dear. How are you doing? Please take good care of yourself, mix and have new friends. I don’t want you to get too worried. We haven’t also heard from him directly, he just sent a friend to us recently. Please don’t wait for Kunle o. You know all these men can be very funny, you cannot vouch for them. When I was about your age, I escorted my boyfriend to the airport and I knew it was over. I married the next guy that came my way. That was how Kunle’s father came into the picture, so be sharp my dear.”

    The old woman was just playing smart, she knew her son had put someone in the family way.There would be no letters, no calls and their romance was history. After all, there were no strings attached from the outset. She simply did not read in between the lines.