The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Can of worms

    RHODA was his dream girl. For Aderinola, she fit into the picture nicely and he did his best to make it work. On her part, Rhoda became too arrogant and she did a lot of things without thinking about his feelings. The last straw happened at a friend’s party where she did some unimaginable things with an old flame she ran into at the venue.

    It was disgusting and he made up his mind to initiate the breakup. Looking back now, he realised that in the love process, he was actually on the receiving end. Now, six weeks after the break up, it has been emotionally taxing to end the relationship which had taken so long to build.

    His heart was on fire and he has made up his mind not to allow any woman to do this to him again.  Sadly, the letters, gifts and souvenirs they shared in the past still brought bitter memories. He kept on looking and holding on to them in tears. So he decided to set them all ablaze. In a few seconds, it was all gone, nothing left but the charred remains.

    As he starred at the flames and the charred remains, he felt hot all over and his imaginations ran riot. He slept off shortly afterwards and he was in dreamland. Here, the things he saw were nightmarish. Gut wrenching screams fill the air, the smell of burning hair, putrid stench of flesh and a voice screaming in excruciating pain. Yes, it tells the story about his feelings right now. The heart that he cherished so much has just been burnt, was turning black and the sweet memories that should have lingered were fading.

    Twisting and writhing as the heart burns away, he woke up sweating profusely. Burning is a complex process involving many reactions (physical or chemical) along with complicated air flows. Usually, the rising of hotter air (convection) that drives these air flows makes controlling and following burning patterns difficult.

    One item that comes out refined with fire is gold. Sadly, the signs of the emotional times are different from the emotional gold. It passes through the fire but comes out better and refined. A recent experience between two lovebirds captures the burnt affection that is common now. Banke has been missing for about two weeks. Her parents, relatives and friends combed the neighbourhood for the 25-year-old lady but no one seems to know where she’s gone to.

     How can this young and energetic lady who was on vacation, vanish into thin air? They all wondered.

    Suddenly, the clue everyone had been waiting for came up. Banke’s cousin who travelled a few days before she got missing told her parents a piece of information that became very useful. “While I was travelling that morning, I was Banke with Muyiwa, her boyfriend, at the bus stop. They were going somewhere together but I didn’t have time to talk to them because I was in a hurry. Please let’s call him and find out what happened,” she said.

    The search party continued and all eyes turned in the direction of the lover boy.  Was he in love with her or he was just a gold digger? At the end of the emotional puzzle, a can of worms was revealed. Banke was right; he was the one who actually delivered his babe to a killer gang. Why? All he wanted was the proverbial golden fleece and he was ready to sacrifice love (or was it lust) for personal gains.

    A thorough investigation was carried out and Banke’s body was found the following day. This loving heart had been destroyed, torn to shreds. Parts of her body had been removed and all hell was let loose. Sadly, Muyiwa did not know that his babe was going to be used for ritual. He hadn’t even collected a dime from the old man and his gang.

    “I met this elderly man who said he could help me with my financial state. All I needed to do was to bring someone but he didn’t tell me what they were going to do with the person. I tried looking for someone to take to the old man but I just couldn’t find anyone. That morning Banke called me and something told me that I could go with her. The intention was to hear what they had to say and see if it was something that we could be part of or not.”

    Muyiwa continued his version of the story: “He looked like a good man and I didn’t suspect any foul thing. When I got there, they asked me to leave and that she would join me later. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear from her and that was when I knew that something had gone wrong.”

    On the other hand, you could see that desperation for material gains made him sign off the love of his life like a contract, all because he wanted to make ends meet at all cost. Even if Banke was not killed, so many other things could have happened to her.

    Interestingly, that is the sign of the emotional times. Here, two, and not three, has become a crowd. Everyone is actually after their own, searching for emotional greener pastures but not ready to pay the affectionate price.

  • When mothers fail to protect their daughters!

    BIOLOGICALLY, mothers have been given the super privilege to bear children and usher in the next generation. Because they nurture the developing child in their own bodies, they almost always feel a compelling drive to protect the new, entirely dependent life they’ve given birth to. These many hours of care each day make mothers most often the person closest to their children and the person with greatest influence. Experiences with mom powerfully shape a child’s perspective, attitudes, and sense of self. Now what happens when in a world as hostile as this, a mother cannot be relied upon for emotional, physical and mental support?

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    Kudos to you. Your write-ups have changed so many things in my life most especially my mindset but now I am facing a problem. A month ago, I was raped by my mum’s closest friend’s son. He has threatened me in so many ways not to tell. I am scared. I am just 16 and in S.S.3. I’m even scared of telling my mum and causing a family feud. I am depressed and confused with life. Please help me.

    Anonymous

    Dear Mum,

    I am 20 and was recently raped by my brother’s friend. I have always wanted to remain a virgin till my wedding night. Now that I’ve been forcefully deflowered, I’m so incredibly hurt and ashamed. Can I still be a virgin again? Please help, I don’t know who else to confide in but you.

    Anonymous

     Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    I am a 17-year-old girl and a few months back, I was raped by a guy who walks freely on the street while my heart breaks anytime I come across him. The guy who raped me lives down our street and we exchange pleasantries whenever we see. He invited me for a birthday party in his house and I obliged him. When I got there, he told me he wanted to show me something in his room. Believe me, in my stupidity or do I say naivety, I followed him not suspecting any foul play since his friends were in the living room. He left me on the bedroom and told me he wanted to get me something, I later discovered he went back to the living room to send his friends away. When he returned to the bedroom, he pushed me on the bed. I tried to escape but he held me tight and even when I screamed no one came to my help. Then, after forcing his way inside me, he began apologizing saying he didn’t know I was still a virgin. I cried a lot knowing that my pride was gone and I was scared of getting pregnant. He assured me that he would accept the pregnancy. Eventually, I took in and he bought a small drug and gave it to me to drink. After drinking it, I bled for a week before he finally told me that it was an abortion drug he gave me. I don’t know if God would forgive me for unconsciously killing an innocent soul and if my future partner would ever forgive me. I’m so ashamed to tell anyone this, not even my mum because she could call me a whore which I am not.

    Cynthia

    Dear Nigerians,

    I thought mothers always knew when something goes wrong with a child? I grew up hearing “orisa bi iya kosi” (there’s no god like a mother) which honours the bond between a mother and a child and that special support which guides us through life. I also hear “iya l’alabaro omo” meaning a mother is a child’s confidant. So, what’s the problem here? A non-chalant attitude, lack of real presence in a child’s life due to work and social activities, lack of empathy?

    My darling sisters,

    In the first instance, I just wish you had some piece of evidence so we can nail these guys. As for the 16-years-old who was raped by her mum’s closest friend’s son, she must tell her mum without delay! Those threats are empty. You cannot die in trauma. You are too young for this.

    On the other hand, you are encouraged to remain chaste not to please man but to follow God’s principles and live a good, unpolluted life. Stop moaning or groaning about what any man has done to you. God sees your heart, He knows your thoughts, He knew even before you were raped and deflowered. Little do you know that if you stay glued to Him and remain chaste, there’s a super-duper compensation waiting for you around the corner. He has the final say. He has the power to restore you, to make you greater than you would have been in your former state. This is the time for you to cry out to Him and make heavy demands for a beautiful life that would make you forget your pain. Stop bowing your spirit low, stop hanging your head low….

    “This is but a light thing in the eyes of the lord…” 2 Kings 3:18

  • Every female’s greatest nightmare (II)

    Every female’s greatest nightmare (II)

    Last week, I began discussing tips on how to avoid being raped. Parents are encouraged to check their daughters’ bodies everyday for signs of violation and also embolden them to speak out when someone plays with them in the wrong places and assure them that no form of threat made to them can manifest. It is also very important for these kids to be thoroughly lectured about their body parts and let them know it’s a taboo for anyone to play with them. Today’s kids are very smart and have the capability to give us more information than we may ever need about everything they see happening around them but they also have the tendency to be terrified and silenced by threats or gifts and other forms of reward. All these are in the hands of the parents and the way they groom their children. Also, children should know a safe, well-travelled route to take to and from school. Isolated areas should be avoided. Now, the following tips would be helpful for every female.

     

    Safety at home

    • Ensure there’s a door eye-viewer in your door.
    • Never automatically open your door without knowing who is on the other side-talk through the door.
    • Ask for identification from service people and verify that the visit is a legitimate one.
    • Have someone present whenever a man is going to be performing a service in your home.

     

    Safety on the street

    • Be alert when walking.
    • Avoid walking alone.
    • Stay in well-lit areas, away from alleys and entryways.
    • Walk confidently, directly, and at a steady pace.
    • Walk on the side of the street facing traffic.
    • If a stranger stops to ask directions, avoid getting near the vehicle.
    • Do not hitchhike and only accept rides from people you know well.
    • If a car appears to be following you, turn and walk in the opposite direction.
    • If you are in trouble, attract help in any way you can. Yell, call for help, shout ‘fire’, or break a window.
    • Be aware of your surroundings and the people around you, even those you know.
    • If possible, walk in pairs.
    • Plan your route ahead of time.
    • Know your neighbourhood – be aware of nearby businesses, their hours of operation and their locations.
    • If you sense you are being followed, immediately cross to the other side of the street and head for the nearest business or occupied dwelling.
    • When seeking help from the occupant of a residence, yell ‘fire’ as opposed to ‘help’, ‘rape’, or ‘murder’ and use any means necessary to draw attention to the situation.

     

    My darling sisters,

    So many of you are very vulnerable to rape because you have the tendency to get carried away when guys are all over you especially when you are new on campus having anticipated so much fun and freedom at last and this is why you need to be properly lectured by decent adults around you before setting out. On campus, never totally let your guard down until someone has earned your trust because you can’t avoid associating with guys especially in class. But assuming people you’ve just met will look out for your best interests can have dangerous consequences. Don’t be naïve. That seemingly-sweet and innocent-looking, mummy’s boy might not be as nice as he appears. The majority of sexual assaults these days are committed by someone the victim knows.

    Always trust your instincts. If you attend a social gathering and feel unsafe or uncomfortable, even when your friends are there, leave the gathering not caring what others would think or whose feelings would be hurt. Your safety matters most. Except you thoroughly screen your friends, there will always be a friend in your circle who could end up getting you into serious trouble. So, you need to be careful while choosing your friends. Also, don’t forget to have your cell phone with you always fully charged so you can make a quick call or send a text when you begin to sense you are in danger. Please stay away from alcohol and ensure your drink is opened in your presence because it could be spiked or tainted with drugs.

    Be mysterious online. Posting your whereabouts exposes details that are accessible to everyone, and allows people to track your movements. If you wouldn’t reveal the info to a stranger, then don’t put it on your profile.

    There’s more to discuss on rape. Let me leave you with this for now – no longer shall the sun be your light by day; or the moon by night, but the Lord shall be your everlasting light and beam His light on your path; thus says the Lord of Hosts. God shall send you help from His sanctuary and strengthen you out of Zion in Jesus mighty name. God loves you, so do I.

  • ‘How African girls are trafficked across Europe’

    ‘How African girls are trafficked across Europe’

    Trafficking in women and girls is an insult to human dignity and an assault to freedom. In this report, YETUNDE OLADEINDE looks at the reasons why trafficking continues and the experiences of social workers and missionaries who work on the field.

    Over the years, the issue of trafficking in women and girls for the purpose of commercial exploitation has generated a lot of controversy, yet the trend continues unabated. According to the United Nations statistics on trafficking, about 2.5 million people around the world are ensnared in the web of human trafficking at any given time.

    While men and children are trafficked for hard labour, women and girls are typically trafficked into the commercial sex industry. While some sex trafficking activities are highly visible, such as street prostitution, other victims remain unseen, operating out of unmarked brothels in unsuspectingand sometimes suburban neighbourhoods. Sex traffickers may also operate out of a variety of public and private locations, such as massage parlours, spas and strip clubs.

    Recently, this reporter ran into a group of people who have been working to reduce the trafficking of young girls across the world. The conversation was kicked off with a documentary on the plight of trafficked girls and the fact that the number of girls from Nigeria is on the increase.

    A recent documentary of the experience of a lady in Greece where it was reported that a lady had 80 men a day was mind blowing. “She was locked in a room and unconscious half of the time. She is back in Nigeria and being rehabilitated. She also said that at a point, some animals were let loose on her. The family often times submits land documents and property that they have as collateral and when the girls get there, they tell them they would work for a fee and it is when they get there that they realise that the fee is in the region of 60,000 Euros considering that the girls get between 5 and 20 Euros per client for a lot of fees. So they work seven days a week,” states Blessing, a volunteer from Youths with a Mission.

    Next, Beth Harrell and Janet Weiner, who are missionaries, add their voices to the discussion. Interestingly, this is one area that Weiner is very passionate about and she paints vivid pictures of some of her experiences. At the beginning, the mother of four had a number of options of the things that she wanted to do and then she prayed about it. “I was later moved to do things about girls and women that were being trafficked. I saw the girls like my daughters; I saw them in Thailand and Cambodia. The first time I saw them in Thailand, I was with two of my daughters and they connected with the girls as if they were friends. It made me know that they were ordinary girls in extraordinary circumstances.”

    Weiner continues: “A lot of reasons were given for doing this and I found that people can end up in prostitution by choice of being trafficked. Choice is a relative term, because I don’t think anyone will willingly go into prostitution.”

    Passionate about what she does, Ellen who has been working with a number of Nigerian girls trafficked to France takes you into their world.  “I discovered that about 95 per cent of the girls I come across are Nigerian girls. We go out on the streets to them and talk to them. The network is very huge and it takes everyone in a society to stop this. Interestingly, most of the girls that we come across have a church background and they can sing a number of beautiful songs, songs that they learnt in the choir. One girl actually told me that she was the leader in the choir. Then we kept wondering how she got there, somebody who was in the church and in the choir singing to the world,” Weiner continues

    Usually for Weiner and her team, every encounter they had with the girls was memorable as well as heart breaking. “Their voices echoed as we walked away but we would keep loving and helping them. Once there, a lot of damage is done. So it would be better to prevent it from happening and that is why we are involved.”

    Now you want to know if there was anything she could have done to prevent the girls from doing this and she replies this way: “I don’t think we can prevent the girls over there but I think it is better to prevent them in Nigeria first. We go out every other week. If we do it more often, their bosses get mad. A team goes out during the day and another in the night. We build relationships with them and take gifts to them. We try to bless them in little ways, read the Bible with them and sing songs which they find touching. More than anything else, they want us to pray for them. Their faith is very strong, they know that what they are doing is very wrong but they are trapped.”

    She pauses and remembers the case of a lady who was murdered a few weeks back. “That day, I was going to read the Bible and I had my phone in my hand. This sweet lady then quickly said to me: ‘Take my picture’ and we took a shot together,” she says, showing you a lady beaming with smiles on her desktop. She continues the sad story: “She died just before the last Christmas. It must have been a violent death because she was found with no clothes on in that river. It was good that I had the photos; we saw a beautiful girl, a girl with lots of potential. They are all very intelligent, some are literate and some are not. I do have a number of other stories that I got from a colleague who works in a social agency. Here you find details of how they got into the business, but we try to respect their privacy.”

    At Christmas, Valentine and other special seasons, the group tries to reach out to the girls in different ways. “Every time we go out, we tell them that they are valuable and God loves them and they are under so much pressure, so much shame and condemnation. So every time we go out, we convey how much God loves them.”

    Weiner then goes on to tell you that she has also visited NAPTIP to see how she can provide a link for the girls over there. “We do not have this kind of agency in France and we are still thinking of how to go about it. The hard thing is that the network is so big and dangerous. Two girls have run away and they came to stay at our Mission house. While one had a good ending to her story, she was able to be flown to London with the help of the French police.”

    She adds that “The second girl went to the church and she was taken to social worker but somehow they didn’t have a secure place. They put her in a hotel and locked her in there for weeks. Along the line, she got scared and ran away and now she is back on the streets. These girls usually would be with about 10 to 30 men a day and she is supposed to earn about 300 Euros a day. The money is used to pay the Madam, some for feeding, lodging and other needs. Most of the stories we hear is that the monies sent to Nigeria is used to build houses and to buy cars.”

    Pastor Peace Alabi of the Redeemed Christian Church of God, Kings Court, who has also worked with a number of trafficked girls talked about her experience in Paris. “In year 2006, while I was worshipping in one of our churches in Dening area, I found that the area was populated by this people but I disagree a bit that they are mostly Nigerians. I had a close contact with most of them and had a case of a Mauritanian lady who claimed she was a Nigerian. Most of them claim to come from Edo State and when we speak the dialect to them, they do not understand and cannot respond. Most times, you find that she is an Aisha from Mauritania or Mali. There we took care of them and we had over 300 girls aged 13years and above. They usually cross from London, Belgium, Paris and Germany.”

    On her part, Peace believes that those who should be monitored are the men who bring the girls to Europe. “It is a huge cartel and we manage to speak to one of the madams who lived in Gardena, they made them go through rituals to deter them from talking. You find all kinds of incisions on their faces, their chests and they do these to secure protection. The money the girls were paying to the madams never got reduced. It became worse because the French guards treated them badly, maybe because they were blacks and sometimes used cigarette butts to burn their breasts and some sensitive parts before dumping them.”

    One of the strategies used by the girls for survival is to get married to some French nationals from places like Mali, Angola, Cameroun and Togo. “They reside in that side and those guys can marry two or three girls. So, I think that the Nigerian government should address the men that do this to our young girls. We know that there are some areas in Lagos where they keep the girls in a camp and they keep them there for two to three weeks or even months. Then they go through Togo and Ghana to export them because the Nigerian airport is very tight. Even when they deport some, they still find their way back.”

  • Once bitten, twice shy

    What a day! First she had to argue with that naughty girl in the office, then she discovered that one of the files on her table was missing and the last straw was having to deal with the shouting match with Mobola, her childhood friend, over prized jewellery that was lost over the weekend. Bridget was just a few minutes away from home, yet she was bugged down with the day’s activities and much more. The last hurdle was climbing the pedestrian bridge to the other side of the road. It’s longer but safer, the shorter option of dashing across is nothing but suicidal.

    One leg at a time, no need to rush, after all she was heading to bed and there is no deadline for bedtime. Each step made her gasp for breath, could this be because she hadn’t been consistent (faithful) with her exercise regimen. Almost out of breath, she finally made it to the top of the bridge with cramps.

    The pain vanished almost immediately. The scenery up here was simply marvellous. The sky is so beautiful and stars are shinning like diamonds. Memorable because diamonds should be forever. It got her thinking of her emotional journey and the torture and turmoil of climbing the emotional skies with her dear Solape. It wasn’t a child’s play at all. Rough and dusty, but she was determined to make it work against the odds.

    It is not over yet, but it looked like she had conquered the first part of the challenge. As she continued the remaining part of the journey home, she began to interpret the emotional circles that she had been in and out. Like some of her friend’s, she got carried away with those romantic tales, tales that you read about in story books and wish for. Dreamer! That was what the other friends, the realists, called them. This group ran around with guys on campus, painting everywhere in emotional colours. She was reserved and her mantra was, ‘please, no messing around here.” Temptations? Yes, there were a couple of smart guys around but she was in charge and on top of the game.

    It was in her final year that she met Solape and he looked like what she dreamt about. He looked good and his attitude to life was great. However, you never can tell with guys. If he really wanted her, then he must wait till the D-day. A great heart, he promised to wait and he did just that. That made Bridget to love him even more; rare to find a real gentleman in this time and age.

    Exams were over and the only thing left was her project. She had worked on it half way and needed to see her supervisor for some clarifications. The issues were discussed the following day in his office and he made the necessary corrections. Then something unsual happened, he raped her and she was devastated. It was too sad to be true. How can an emotional thief cum parasite take what she had been saving for her dear Solape?  She couldn’t tell anyone, but almost everybody knew that something was wrong with her.

    It got worse when she discovered that she was pregnant, two months after. It was just too much to bear. How does she go about telling everyone that she was pregnant for her supervisor? How do you keep a baby for a man who already has three wives (wolves), women who would be ready to tear her to pieces? How do you live with a man you detest so much? No, this cannot be an option at all. She got depressed keeping it all to herself.

    The only viable option was to get rid of it. What if it goes wrong? What if she dies in the process? She had so many questions riveting on her mind with no answers. She finally got some money to sort out the unwanted pregnancy. A few days before the act was done, she had a nightmare. To be or not to be! Keeping the bastard was worse and so she walked into the theatre and it was done. A few weeks after she noticed that the bleeding was severe and she went back to see the doctor. He promised to rectify the problem. How much? “No, don’t worry, I would take care of that’, he volunteered. The treatment commenced for about three weeks and on one of those days whilst he was carrying out the routine checks, he tried to take advantage of her.

    Not again! Once bitten twice shy! Bridget quickly jumped out of the bed and struggled with the doctor turned emotional lunatic. Luckily, she escaped from this one. You can’t take meat near a dog and expect it to look the other way. He was obviously fascinated by her body from the onset. She never went back there again. Was she okay now? That was not the issue anymore; she can’t afford to complicate her life further. As it is, there is so much that she would be keeping away from her dear Solape. He actually proposed to her last night and the plan is to get married this Christmas. Should she tell him all that has happened or remain silent forever?

  • ‘How women can avoid depression’

    ‘How women can avoid depression’

    Ngozi Okafor is an entrepreneur, motivational speaker and TV presenter. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about women switching roles, how to cope with challenges and more. 

    Why are you passionate about women? It is an organisation that has compassion on women and the youths.

    Over the years, we have been helping to create awareness about the different opportunities available for our women, how they can maximise their potential as well as be efficient at home by nurturing children that are healthy and intelligent.

    If you look around now, you would find that there is a lot of tension in our society today. People are aggressive at the slightest provocation and you find more cases of violence. So women need to understand their environment as well as how they can thrive in a difficult society by learning a couple of ways to survive unemployment.

    Developing entrepreneurial skills in women and young people is very important because unemployment rates are on the increase. You can actually do something apart from working for somebody. First, you must know what you have a passion for, then we let them know that they must work for it to be successful. Also for a woman you must know how to carry yourself.

    All this has to do with your mindset. So, we work with our women and help them to transform their mindset. We help them to unlearn the things that they have been taught through the environment that they lived in while growing up. We tell them that they can make it and that they can reach their goal as a women.

    What is the essence of the connect programme?

    The essence of the connect programme is to bring women together. I want to say that so many people and so many women are already doing a lot. However, I would say that the effort is still not enough and we need to do much more. Most times, I looked at my own environment and found out that so many things and so many women are really being depressed because of the challenges that they are passing through in their marriages. I also looked at myself and asked what I should do.

    I have got to a stage where, spiritually, I have received messages concerning the kind of things that we pass through. Personally, when I am passing through certain stages, I advise myself and I often hear voices that would tell me the next step to take. Each time I take the next step and I am able to overcome, I see that the voice tells me, “you were able to overcome, I took you through this path because some other people are passing through same and that someone needs to talk to them.” You might not be able to hear the voice, everybody may not hear the voice but someone needs to reach them.

    So the essence of the connection is to bring women together, speak with them. I hope that the women who need to connect would therefore make use of the opportunities available. Interestingly, I have found that most women usually don’t connect with such people. They worry about so many things, especially things that border on self esteem.

    Instead of connecting with someone that can help, they would say: “She is a big woman, who knows she would not answer me when I greet her.” No matter your level in life, you must have it in your mind that you were created by God and He has a purpose for you. I also say that someone needs you and the person who needs you is someone who needs a cleaner. So no matter where you find yourself as a woman, you are very important. God cannot make all of us the same.

    Apart from the dialogue, how else do you interact with them?

    We have a website and a magazine online where we have people contribute to issues and certain things that are going on in the society. We want people to tell us what they are passing through and we are also planning to have a counselling session where we can meet people physically and talk to us. We want to encourage ourselves; I think it is not good to just sit and suffer when God has deposited your solution in someone, not just your pastor. Most times, what the pastor does is the spiritual thing but there are so many other things that need to be done. Here you can find solutions from those who have passed through some of the physical things and they can also help you.

    They have passed through it physically because God is trying to raise that person to be able to raise other people. I want us to always look at the physical and spiritual aspect. It is important to work on the physical, spiritual, psychological and emotional life. For instance, some women go to church from Monday to Sunday and say ‘God bless me’, what do you want him to bless, when you are not doing anything? Is He going to throw money from heaven or look for business for you to do? The bottom line is, don’t give up.

    What inspired the project?

    I have this concern for women and I have always had this concern. Maybe because I grew up in a good family where everything is organised, but when I heard people say certain things I used to wonder. It was later in life that I knew that every family is not as organised as I used to know it. I discovered that some people came from broken homes and some lost their parents early in life. Their life is not always wonderful and they pass through a lot. I also realised that sometimes, it is those other things that make them think the other way.

    I have great concerns for womanhood. Whenever I see a woman up there, it makes me happy. Conversely, when I see women down or depressed I am sad. I look at some people and I know that they have some gifts in them but they do not know. Someone actually needs to tell them, encourage them and make them rediscover themselves.

    For us, the most important thing is to open your eyes to opportunities, learn about how to develop themselves as well as be friends with people that can open doors for them. There is no point hanging around people who would take away from you instead of adding value to your life. I also believe that everything is possible and that there is always a way out of every problem. We need to be connected, we need to help ourselves and stand out in whatever we are doing. In addition, I would also want to stress that integrity is very crucial in whatever we do. For instance, if someone helps us and we do the wrong thing, then we may just close the door for someone else.

    If you had to advise Nigerian women, what would you tell them?

    As Nigerian women, I believe that we have a great role to play in the nation’s development. We have a lot of women who are talented and those who should mentor others. We don’t have to sit on the fence because there is so much to do. We just have to come out of our shell because God has given us potentialities and we are expected to use them to develop this nation. If you do not talk to your sister next door, if you do not help to build and develop her potentialities, then you have failed in your life’s journey.

  • Loving without stress

    How can you really conquer love without stress? For those who have gone through the emotional lawn without stress, have a green affair is as simple as ABC. For Ronke it has not been easy . When it comes to matters of the heart ,she actually preferred to thread with caution.A few months ago, she ran into this charming gentleman in the neighbourhood and ever since he had been all over her.

    Should she say yes or no because of her antecedents with other guys with such disposition. Well, there was no harm in trying and so she opened the window of her heart for the emotional exploration. It was wonderful and he became ‘syrupy’ sweet and somehow she fell into the emotional trap.

    As time went on she began to enjoy his attentions and even began to feel special. Then suddenly , she began to notice that it was all deception and she chickened out of the race. Now that it was over, she wondered if things would have been better if she had not doubt the process.Maybe things would have been better, if she had put more efforts into the process ?

    Like the saying grass greener where you water, things get better in a relationship where you play your part well. A lot of people admired hearts that have been watered by others thinking that it all happened by chance. That is not usually the case.

    The saying interestingly comes from the idea of looking at a neighbors lawn and seeing it as better looking, healthier and overall greener than your own.  It actually shows that a lot of hard work had been put in place and the outcome of the dedication and perseverance by the owner of the emotional lawn has indeed paid off.

    On the other, the reality in many relationships is the fact that partners expects so much and get disappointed when their expectations are not met. Great hearts on the other hand are people who give in so much and yet have expectations that are reasonable, things that their partner can do and have the capacity to do. This way their emotional investments get greener and by the time they turn around to take stock, everything falls in place beautifully. Those who do not ‘water’ their emotional tree end up having withered affection. All they ever did was to argue, complain and see nothing good in the hearts they were meant to love, cherish and adore. In confusion and frustration their sweethearts cannot flourish, they also get hostile and thing would certainly fall apart.

    Here the hearts concerned would keep on ignoring anything negative the new hearts  that the now desire as well as  downplaying everything positive about the relationship they are already in.

    Gbenga has been in and out of four relationships, in less than a year. He kept on admiring his best friend’s girlfriend wishing he could get someone as smart and trendy as she was. “When I told my friend the reasons I broke up with the girl’s, he smiled and told me that his girl wasn’t as perfect as I thought she was. He was actually the one that had been making up for her inadequacies.

    Are you serious? No, you just can’t be true. I have always envied you and wished that I had a girlfriend as smart and beautiful as yours.”The crux of the matter here is that a lot of people expect so much in a relationship without playing their own part. “These explain why some people go out of their way to please the other person even when they are not happy with the decisions they have had to make.

    Gbenga honestly never looked at it that way and now he understands that the emotional grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.

    David has just ended his four year old relationship with Jessica. He gave that relationship everything he had but somehow the heart in question did not appreciate and value the efforts that he was putting into the relationship. Initially, he didn’t mind because, he imagined that the babe in question was just playing hard to get. However things got to a point where, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He discovered that his sweetheart was hanging out with another buddy and always arrived at her doorstep around midnight.  “She just did not know that I was monitoring her and I waited for the right time to tell her the stuff that she was made up.”

    Remorseful? No she wasn’t. Instead, she threw the garbage back in my court? “What exactly is the matter with you? You go out with your friends and nobody says anything about it? You refuse to pick my calls on a number of occasion and you expect me to sit and wait for you, Mr. Prince charming”.

    Wasn’t it better to iron out the emotional difference at this point? “For God’s sake, when will these double standard stop. No, I don’t think that you are the type of guy that I am looking for. I do not want a man that would give me heartaches, please just go away. I am sick and tired of this relationship?

  • Re: Yewande’s story

    FOLABI raped innocent Yewande in her teens and deflowered her in the process. That act got her in the family way and Folabi wickedly refused to acknowledge the pregnancy as his. You can imagine the shame and disgrace Yewande went through. Eighteen years after, when Yewande wanted to finally settle down with a good man, Folabi appeared to claim his daughter and ask for Yewande’s hand in marriage.

    Dear Temilolu,

    Folabi indeed took advantage of Yewande’s naivety but thank God she remained a mentally stable person who could pick up her life and move on. Spiking and date rape is a very serious offense which in other climes would have landed him in jail!!! That was dastardly and wicked. She could have been injured or even died.

    Folabi and his family and especially his sister do not deserve a second chance. But to err is human but to forgive is divine. She should forgive him if she hasn’t. However, it’ll be interesting to know the real reason why Folabi and his family have finally come to their right senses! Is it because Folabi is having relationship issues or he’s been rejected by all women, or he’s been asked to go and “mend” his ways? Or is he being tormented for his callous act?

    If Yewande was selling pepper and her daughter hawking gala…would they have come back to them? What if Yewande was already legally married, would they have come back? Yewande shouldn’t be under any pressure to marry him because she was never in love with him and she shouldn’t be sentimental because she had vowed to God that her husband would deflower her. Folabi was not married to her then.

    Yewande should commit all into God’s hands for peace of mind on any decision she finally takes. She also may not know whether God is trying to warn/save her from “unknown” issues she may end up having with the nice French person she’s considering for marriage and that’s why he’s showing up. It may also be a ploy by the wicked one to derail her with Folabi so she needs to seek inner peace and guidance.

    Ayo

    Madam Okeowo,

    Yewande is simply trying to mix ignorance with spirituality. She made a vow to give her virginity to her husband, but unfortunately a rapist ended up with it without her permission. Now she is struggling with the thought of either going back to the rapist or moving ahead with her life? How many times do we Christians need to remind ourselves, Jesus did not bring us religion but life. He even told us not to cast our pearls before swines because they will trample on it. I even like the way Yoruba’s put in an adage, “eni to moiyiwura la n ta fun” meaning you only offer gold to someone who values it. Folabi is a rapist and he should be in jail. The only thing Yewande owes Folabi is genuine forgiveness while she leaves the vengeance to God. I can’t even ask her to forget, it’s like asking a mother to forget her labour room experience. I also need to remind Yewande, she is breaking no vow by marrying the white guy or any other person. She lost her virginity to a rapist not her husband. Methinks Folabi has wrecked enough havoc in that family; he should therefore let the sleeping dog lie, his presence in fact re-echoes bad memories. They should go their separate ways. As for the daughter, providence has settled her own case because, she is eighteen which makes her an adult not in need of too much explanation from her mum on the issue. Finally I want us Christians to be careful of the vows we make before God without proper understanding and foresight.  May God’s mercy never depart from our lives. I rest my case!

    Kola O.

    Dear Yewande,

    You are not gullible but it seems you are too trusting; this aspect of you needs to improve otherwise the situation could repeat itself in your life. After saying this I would deal with the issues in your letter –

    A writer says, “Betrayal is a symptom, not the be-all-and-end; sometime it is a wake-up call that something has to change.” This refers to your relationships.

    By holding a grudge or nursing resentments you are placing painful limits on your capacity to love. Forgiveness frees you from such limits and gives you courage to love others. This is not saying that you should ignore your sad experience, but you should learn from it to empower you to move on in life. I can imagine how you felt when you were sexually abused; and each time you think of it you feel cheated.

    Folabi has got nothing that could make anyone recommend him as a husband for you. He has the tendency to repeat his disregard for your feelings; and he has no respect for who you are. What he did to you gives you pains, and if you marry him you shall always have the pains. And this would not make you love him as a husband in case you marry him. And please, when deciding on whom to marry, think of cultural differences; language, and a lot of things not only at the present but future also. Listen to the script in your head, and don’t ignore how you are feeling about your new-found love.

    Rev. Chris

    Dear Yewande,

    The above responses to your story aptly describe my submission. I’d only further add that you exercise some patience before deciding on your French suitor. True, you had a revelation that your husband would find you this year. However, I think it’s too early. You are very confused and might be emotionally imbalanced right now such that the devil can seem like an angel to you. Please talk to God more and be absolutely sure before you go into any marriage. You can’t afford to make any mistake that would further crush you or wear you out again emotionally and spiritually. Wait on God and victory will surely be yours. God bless you.

    Love always,

    Pastor Temilolu

  • ‘Caring for autistic children can be daunting’

    ‘Caring for autistic children can be daunting’

    What does it take to live and care for a child that has autism? Yetunde Oladeinde was with some parents at an interactive session recently and she reports.

    IT was a bright morning and parents strolled in with their children who all had something in common. They were children, teenagers and adolescents who had the Autism Spectrum Disorder. Though they tried to smile, you could see tension vividly etched on their faces. The children shouted, ran around and did the wrong things consistently. Fed up? No! For this set of parents, this was the norm, something they had gotten used to.

    Just when you think all is calm, a middle aged woman walks in sobbing like a baby. What happened? Upon investigation you discover that she missed her way and she had been roaming around just to find the direction to the venue. Of course, that was not the only reason for the outburst, for the tears that flowed uncontrollably, it was the emotions that had been bottled up, the trauma of having to nurture a child that has refused to grow like her peers and much more.

    While she was trying to get over the attention she had created, the child played and laughed around oblivious of the trauma her poor mother was passing through. Then suddenly she started exhibiting disruptive and uncontrollable behaviours.

     Mrs. Aluko Olokun who has had to care for her son in this condition for over three decades tells her story this way: ‘I am happy to see parents here this morning. It is important to encourage one another. Sometimes, I would say it is the enemy in the family that has done this to me. I didn’t know it was a health challenge at the beginning. I am also delighted this morning to see men in our midst, things have really improved. Unfortunately, I didn’t have that opportunity when the problem started with my son. My husband is no longer alive, he has gone to the great beyond and my son is 36 years now. God has been supporting me and I have other children.”

    She paused for a few minutes and moved to tears, she continued her story. “I was stigmatised. My husband’s family members said all kinds of things about me and called me all kinds of names.  I come from a royal family and had a father who was faithful to Christianity but when the devil wants to strike, he doesn’t look at all that. I went through a lot of challenges. Even as educated as I was, I carried my son on my back, went to the beach, ringing the bell and did all kinds of things to save my son. When I look back now, I know that God knows why it all happened to me. Then I thought I was alone but after talking to some people, I discovered that I was not alone.”

    Olokun ran everywhere for help, but instead of getting solutions to her son’s problem, things went from bad to worse. “Nobody knew about autism 36 years ago. Then I went to the hospital to see the paediatrician and I went to the pathological department but none of them knew about autism. What they wrote in my file was that my son, Seun, had mental abnormality. We had so many mothers going about with children suffering from Autism, Down syndrome, and Dxylesia, not knowing what to do.”

    Help finally came one day and she was referred to a place with capable hands. “They took us in without thinking about my short coming. Even though my son is old, I still have hope,” Olokun said, ending her story with prayers for the care givers, teachers and parents who wear the shoe and know where it pinches.

    Unfortunately, children in this category are demonised, taken to churches to ‘exorcise their demons’ or being killed by parents to avoid public shame. Next, Mrs. Ajoke Akinfeleye steps out and her story of pain and trauma experienced over the years also elicits tears. “I have a son who had problems after delivery. Initially, we did not know what was happening and it was when we were referred to the hospital that we discovered that he couldn’t talk or hear anything.  So the question at that point was what could be wrong with the boy?   We went from one hospital to the other, at one of the hospitals they used a machine to test him and there they told us that he wasn’t deaf.”

    Sadly, Ajoke continues: “Then, one day, someone came to our church to talk about demons and then we took him to their place.” Relief? Yes, but it was a temporary relief. “They kept on beating him trying to bring out the demons. We took him to different schools but they rejected him.”

    Confusion galore! Just while the frustration was getting unbearable, someone brought a ray of hope. “It was at that point that my sister read a story about a centre in a magazine and we traced the place. Here we got the required help and his condition began to improve. Unlike the experience in the past, he can now talk and do other things. Today, I am proud of my son, a lot of people had insulted us in the past because of his situation.”

    Apart from the trauma parents go through, Ajoke notes that the society is usually unfriendly and hostile to these children. “There is a lot of stigmatisation and people call them all kinds of names like ode, orobo or extra large hole. In the midst of the challenge, I did not care what anybody called me or my son because I knew that God would do for me. One day, I took the problem to Jesus and cried all day. I told God that I did not believe that there was no cure and that there was nothing impossible for Him.”

    To buttress her point, Ajoke goes into the Holy book citing instances of people with cases that looked hopeless but who got healed. “In the bible, there was a boy that was born blind but he later regained his sight. I believed that if Jesus could heal that boy, he would heal my son. As parents, we should be hopeful; being hopeful in Christ does not mean that you would not take your child for therapy.”

    Like Ajoke, Adekunmbi takes you through the trauma of caring for her child. “I ran helter-skelter; I just didn’t know where to go or where to start from. It is tough for mothers in my shoes in Nigeria because most times there is little or no information. I went to some other places but what I got was not quite satisfying. Then I met Dotun Akande and what kept coming to my mind was the same old story. When they handled my son, his story changed and that was the first major turning point for us. Akande’s personal story was a motivation for me and I knew that if her son can do it, mine also can. Her son is in the university and God used her and everyone associated with my son to change his story.”

    Dotun Akande was a banker who had everything going for her, until she had a son, Patrick, in whom she noticed something peculiar. The child was not as active as other children. She consulted different doctors and later discovered the boy was autistic. Lack of adequate care for the child made her set up Patrick Speech and Languages Centre, which today deals with problem of autism.

    “My story is a different story. My responsibility is to love my son unconditionally and to present him everywhere I go. I loved him and went everywhere with him and did not lock him up,” she recounts.

    She found out when he was around two years old. “That was when he started showing odd behaviour; he was drawing a particular thing all the time. He would also run from one room to the other. I knew something was wrong. I took him to various doctors and they all told me that he was all right and that I was just worried for nothing. It was someone who called me and told me that he might be having autism. That was when I knew what was really wrong with him.”

    It was a tough experience but gradually things began to change positively. “When he started to speak and had improved, I thought there must be a lot of children out there with the same ailment and there was nobody doing anything about it. That was when I took it upon myself to create a home where children who had the condition could be brought to, for recovery.”

    Akande informs that when she started the Patrick Speech Centre, “we had only two people free of charge. Then we grew to four people and then the number began to increase. I believe that if you have a child in this condition, God wants to use you for something. It is important to bring such children to the church because they would get support here. The ones that are older can work, play instruments or take the offering basket around. Let the other children in the family care and support the child.”

     The community, Akande stresses, is important because these children need love, care and compassion. “There is so much you can do in your home before even going for therapy. What this means is that you must teach the child certain things and make them independent. Don’t let the situation overwhelm you. Don’t leave your responsibilities to therapists alone.”

    At this point, Akande goes down memory lane with the case of a girl at the centre to buttress her point. “There was a little girl who when we started found it difficult to feed herself. I told my staff that if you placed the food in front of her, just turn your back and go. They did this for two days and on the third day, the child fed herself. No matter how bad the condition is, training helps. For me, the parents are the experts, not the doctors. They feel the pain and see what goes on every day. It took us four months to get him to brush his teeth but I didn’t give up.”

  • In it for the long haul

    A peck on the cheek? Not quite, it certainly is much more than that. Muah! Welcome to the emotional clouds, the best example of the sound of a kiss. The French kiss which gives the sound of your lips when you kiss in a very passionate process. This is the interjection or what literary minds would refer to as the onomatopoeia for a kiss.

    A compassionate kisser is confident and can easily interpret the affectionate notes. French kissing almost always leads to more intimate behaviour,’ kisses’  that stir up feelings in your partner. However, it is better done with someone you care about and it’s really not fair to get someone all worked up just to send him or her away wanting. It is not about dreaming but being in it for the long haul.

    The French kiss is therefore a timeless expression of romantic passion, something we have all seen or experienced at one time or the other. An exciting and intimate moment between two people who are attracted to one another, and a symbol of that passion. Experts would readily tell you that the French kiss is not a science; it is an art that is open to the interpretation of all who partake.

    About two years ago, Ronke got entangled with Biodun and he literarily swept her off her feet. It was a season for deep kisses; a very passionate experience which she thought was going to last forever. Sadly, the kissing spree lasted for about fifteen months only. It took her up the emotional hill, panting and asking for more, like Oliver Twist. Just while she was savouring the bliss, he discovered another kissing partner. Time to say Goodbye? No, there wouldn’t be an opportunity to say goodbye. All she can remember now is that their love had gone cold. What she thought was love wasn’t really love.

    “I got into a relationship with my cousin’s (Soji) best friend. They were both classmates and best of pals. Each time they came home together, Soji marketed his friend’s love for me and gradually I fell for Biodun.” The matchmaker worked on her and she fell for the cheap lies.  She staggered around, drunk in love and thanking her stars for conquering such a heart.

    He was such a wonderful person to be with and we went almost everywhere together. It was a wonderful experience but somehow Mr. Right was slow in making any concrete commitment and he just wasn’t ready to settle down. “We talked about it a couple of times but Biodun kept on saying that he needed to take care of his financial needs so that we do not get in trouble in future.”

    Tired of complaining, she switched over to the proverbial side of the emotional bone as the patient dog. One afternoon, she stopped at a restaurant to have lunch. As she walked into the place she saw her sweetheart wrapped in the arms of another woman. “Biodun, please what’s happening here?” she queried. Guilty?

    No, not really. “Do you think that you are going to achieve so much by trailing me or monitoring my movement? You can’t force me to marry you against my wish. Hope you understand that.” His voice changed and that voice did not sound like someone that was in love with her at all. All what this meant was that she had been wasting precious time with emotional lip service.

    Better to abandon this heart for the new heart keeper. She tried to make an emotional U-turn. Not so fast! Her rival who had been starring at her with green eye envy moved towards her charging like a wounded lioness. “So you are the one that has been causing me nightmares. I would deal with you now.”

    It turned out to be a real nightmare, worse because all her life, she had never fought over a man. In a short while, they became the cynosure of all eyes, she found herself in an emotional brawl with a wild cat. You can’t afford to play the fool here. Panting and swearing, her rival fought with everything, her nails, teeth and legs inclusive. By the time the bloody fight was over, her clothes were in shreds and her body was sore. Luckily, some kind folks intervened and rescued her from this desperate ‘Dracula’.

    End of the road. Now her heart is on emotional sabbatical. That chapter was not just closed but it left her crying and crying for a lost heart. Where exactly did she go wrong? How come she did not know that she was just a spare? Why did she get carried away with the kiss? The emotional theatre had moved on and she was the only cast that did not have a role to play.

    Life and love, like Shakespeare says, is indeed a stage. Emotional actors should be on standby, ready to play their roles at the right time. That, interestingly, is the only way you can make the best of the emotional stage. Once you are missing in action, not in control, another character may just take over your role. Could this be a better cast? The crux of the matter here is that nobody is truly indispensable.