The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Re: Three children, three fathers at 22

    Life, oh life, oh life! How it loves to torment us and at the same time train us to become its master, yet a lot of us don’t even know the fiery warrior and unbeatable conqueror we’ve become. We sometimes fail to see how much life after trampling on us throws us far into the sky to behold the earth from our lofty heights and commandeer the best of things to ourselves. Such is the case of Motunde who had a pitiful childhood, a traumatic adolescence and ended up having 3 children for 3 fathers by age 22. Life which was hitherto cruel to her pushing her around black pits of despair suddenly turned around to give her what her pedigree could never get her. However, as she shines like the sun out of a clear azure sky, gathering are the dark clouds of her past threatening to cast a dark shadow over her beautiful life. After having her life completely over-hauled, making her an adorable and a world-class lady, a fine gentleman has asked for her hand in marriage. Trouble is he doesn’t have the faintest idea that she’s ever had a child, least of all three children for three different men. He has no idea of her grievously-oppressive years of abuse and neglect. She’s been worried of his ignorance and too terrified to go on with the marriage without letting him into her past. A few readers sent in their suggestions.

     

    Dear Temilolu,

    I just read your very touching piece and I dare say, there are many thousands out there with similar stories. If all that is written is the whole truth, Motunde should have no fears. She is not flirty, loose or currying unnecessary male attention but pushed by circumstances beyond her. It’s better to say the truth and be FREE or she’ll end up living in perpetual FEAR, frustration, guilt and deceit. What if for whatever reason, she cannot conceive again (maybe even due to the man) will she be happy? She should tell Siji and allow him the option to walk away, break for a while or call off the relationship out rightly.

    If Siji truly is the man from God for her, he’ll stand by her. He may or may not tell his family because except they have the mind of TRUE children of God, they may pressure their son to call off the wedding. Best wishes to Motunde as she takes the path of honour of full disclosure if she wants to have a lasting marriage!

    Ayo

     

    Dear Motunde,

    Please tell him about your past. You can’t build lasting happiness on a foundation of deceit and dark secrets. Better to lose him now than later when much more will be at stake. If you can’t trust him with your history, you don’t trust him. Why marry one you don’t trust?

    Jesse Unoh

     

    Such a sad beginning, but thank God for his faithfulness. My darling sister, please tell your husband to be. If not, the juice that will be added will definitely change his heart towards you.

    Mosun Odunsi

     

    Dear Motunde,

    I must congratulate you on your great victory- one which I consider very rare. Has anyone ever told you that you are a champion? How could you go through all that and still have your brain intact enough to possess a degree in software engineering? Amazing! Most times, the devil attacks shinning stars and distracts them in every possible way just to stop them from fulfilling their divine destinies. However, have you ever considered the fact that were it not for your horrible circumstance, you would never have gotten to that restaurant where you worked and got picked up by the lady who turned your life around? Judging from your childhood, if you had remained with your grand mum, you’d probably still be hawking one thing or the other as your family could hardly feed. Indeed, you must be thankful (though, it wasn’t funny) and stop feeling like a casualty. I imagine the bad memories still make you flinch and the thought of your fiancé’s reaction sends a chill down your spine. However, you MUST tell him. True, it’s not a palatable discovery for any man and his family but I am assured there’s a very special man out there God has programmed for you. If He could allow life to treat you this way and still give you the very best you didn’t bargain for, then relax because He is still working and about to daze you with a super-man. The super-man could be Siji your fiancé, if he decides to go on with the wedding. If he doesn’t, I assure you there’s a mind-blowing surprise around the corner. As from now on, I want you to realise the super-girl you are and stop feeling like a victim. Whether you believe me or not, you’ve been passed through fire and came out wondrous and that makes you a goldmine for any man and a star in any man’s sky. You strike me as a woman who could go as far as getting the water from the moon for a man who truly loves her. Do the needful and enjoy the rest of your glorious life. A round of applause for you!

     

    Love always,

    Temilolu Girls Club

  • Recycle your emotional waste

    Garbage in, garbage out. This naturally means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This perhaps talks about the ideal situation in love; the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’s song: ‘When somebody loves you back.’ He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors, as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal, but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

    Yet no reply and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here, for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this. She had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead, and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that; all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts, but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river, you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • ‘Lucky Dube inspired my philanthropy’

    ‘Lucky Dube inspired my philanthropy’

    For Dr Merit Obua, conquering youth restlessness is a passion. To do this effectively, she has been hunting for talents in fashion and modelling with the red carpet reception. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about some of the achievements recorded, challenges, and potential in the sector, as well as women in leadership position.

    WHAT is new? This is exactly one year that I did one of my major events in Bayelsa State. The programme is a yearly event and last year’s event gave birth to another young one because of the way we handled it. This year, we may likely have two major programmes before the end of the year. One is the African Fashion Reception in Nigeria. The last edition took place in Bayelsa State and the opening event was done on the third of July, it was a three-day event. The objective of the event is using the creative industry to fight poverty.

    Recently, when you check, you see that the level of insecurity is getting high and this insurgency is mainly within the youth because they are not engaged. So we are including this aspect to engage them. Secondly, this other programme would enlighten our local consumption and production of fashion to launch them into the big market. When you check very well, you find that Nigeria produces more for local consumption.

    The world body of fashion, however, has given us a platform to build and showcase in the big market. We also sought for talented youths that want to take modelling as a way of life. After the talent hunt, we would also have the fashion show. One would be in Abuja, being organised by the World Fashion Week. Then another would be either in Lagos or Bayelsa that hosted last year’s.  After discovering them, we train them just the way we train our footballers and then launch them into the market for international designers.

    What was the turn out like last year?

    Last year, we proposed to exhibit in Abuja but the Governor of Bayelsa said that we should take it to Bayelsa and it was done in collaboration with the federal government. The turnout was very high and about twenty Nigerian youths benefitted from it. These youths were launched, they are doing well and being sponsored by the private sector. Government only launched it and the private sector took over. They were launched into the international market and some of them are in UK, India, Asia and the US. Last year, the pageant accommodated the union of Nigerian tailors. FADAN was represented and those who desired to use fashion as a career. The turnout was very high; even within that short period of change, the hall did not even contain people.

    What are some of the highpoints of this year’s event?

    The highpoint is that we are expecting about five super top models, to be led by Kate Moore (Moss). We are expecting over 50 international designers. We are also expecting other top movie actors and celebrities. They are all coming on humanitarian ground. A day would be chosen where they would visit the less-privileged schools to sing for children within the age of six and 13 years. At the close of the event, we would also use the opportunity to launch the 2016 grand finale that we are preparing for in Paris, where the World Fashion Week International is hosting 190 countries, where Nigeria has been given one hour to execute on the runway. Nigeria has also been given a pavilion to exhibit for one week to display made in Nigeria attires for 190 countries to view. Then we are also going to do a talent hunt for models because we are getting them from the scratch, not the self made. We have a number of designers whose names are not heard. We are also going to have fashion photographers, makeup artists, choreographers. After doing that in 2016, these are the people that we would present in Paris.

    What inspired you to go into the fashion line?

    At the age of three months, I started living with my grandmother. It was when I was nine that my grandmother died. As a growing child, when you do something, they would say this was how she was doing when she was small. They said that I was very finicky about my looks. That explains that it started in me, even when I didn’t know what was happening. I just like looking good and appreciate people that dress well.

    How do you combine all this with family life?

    First, we started with prayers. Prayers that the people who would come, let God direct them. Secondly, when people come, we ask them what exactly they want to do.

    You mean that there are no challenges?

    Of course, there are financial challenges but we know that we have the experts and Nigerians are talented. We need sponsors, people who have the heart for fashion as well as those who want our youths to be gainfully engaged through fashion. It is all about sanitising the minds of our youths. In spite of the challenges, I am happy that our designers are doing well. Last year, Beyonce used our fabric to celebrate her wedding anniversary. It is all over on Instagram, Facebook and internet. Also the famous American first lady uses ankara once in a while. They have started appreciating and on the other hand the Nigerian government should bring in garment-manufacturing plants. All the top designers that we are crazy about are producing in China, they have moved to Indonesia and interestingly all of them are clamouring to come to Africa.

    What was it like growing up?

    I grew up in our little palace from the age of nine when my grand mum died. I lived with the King of Imiringi, in Ogvia Local Government of Bayelsa State. There, I did my primary, secondary education before leaving for the university and then I came back again. Those early days, my dreams were not stable. My first dream was to be a lawyer. Throughout that period, I dreamt and lived for that career, so I always wore black suits. Then suddenly, I found a nurse posted to our community. She was very humble and took care of the kids and then I wanted to be a nurse. When I left our community, I desired to join the Navy because of that white. My final desire was to be a soldier and whenever I see a female solider well dressed in full regalia I was impressed. I studied Business Management from the University of Port Harcourt. The first place I worked was the biggest car stand in Port Harcourt; the owner is like a father to me. I also worked with Valin Chemicals, Headnail and now I work with Niger Delta University, I am the Liaison Officer in Abuja. The programme for fashion is non -governmental and it is a way of giving back to the society.

    Your organisation is also bringing the World Fashion University to Nigeria. Tell us more about this.

    That is the highpoint of the programme and World Fashion Week has a plan of building the World Fashion University; that is one of the projects. They desire to build six across the world, one per continent and the one for Africa is the one we are bringing to Nigeria.

    Where is the university going to be located?

    We are using fashion to fight poverty and so it is better for the location to be in a very poor state and that is how we arrived at Bayelsa. Bayelsa has over 56 oil wells but when you go to Bayelsa, it is only one way in and one way out. There is need for international bodies to invest, so that it would attract tourists. It is not only the university; it is coming with the World Fashion Tower, a five star hotel with different halls for runways. It would also have different shops that international designers would use as their warehouse. They are also coming with garment manufacturing plant and all these cannot be in one place.

    What about your passion for women and leadership?

    I am a life patron of the African Women in Leadership. This was a programme that brought talented women and upcoming women together to discuss how to balance home and career. Here we had women that had broken the glass ceiling to share experiences. I first led women to Uyo in 2013 and in 2014 I led them to Atlanta in the United States. This year, the train is moving to the US again. Last year’s event was wonderful and I got a surprise that I was not expecting. They gave me an honorary citizenship from US Senate in Georgia. It was given to me by the first lady of Mozambique, the founder of the organisation. I felt honoured and last year again, the black caucus also came down to Nigeria and endorsed me into their system.

    Let’s talk about life as a philanthropist?

    It started from school. My dad was a retired TV director, he is late and I named my foundation, Branzuk Ikuli Foundation, after him. As a young girl, I love Lucky Dube’s songs; the track I loved most says blessed is the hand that giveth, than the hand that taketh. I was motivated by that music and I found myself doing same. Also, my father motivated me and always told me stories when he comes back, because we did not live together. My dad wasn’t the king but he kept cautioning me to direct my energy positively.

    Tell us about some memorable moments in your life…

    Like every young lady, the day I got married is one. Secondly, was the day I gave birth to my set of triplets, I wasn’t expecting it; two boys and one girl. Then anytime God uses me to assist someone in need is memorable.

  • No strings attached

    THE chicken moved around looking for something to peck at. It was young, beautiful and restless. The first move was to hang around Mr. A, but, somehow, there was not chemistry here. Instead, Mr. A looked for a big stick, indicating that pretty Chickens (chics) are not welcomed here. Of course, that signal meant that the chic should look for someone who would appreciate the gestures. So it walked towards Mr. B and he poured some of the biscuit crumbs on the ground and it swooped on it.

     Like Oliver Twist, our pretty young chic waited, asking for more. And like a cheerful giver, Mr. B gave more biscuits. Two can play? Just before the answer came, he noticed that a tiny piece of rag had been tied around the right leg. Oh no! This rope means something that won’t make it easy tagging along with his impulse. That was not the only sign of ownership. A red paint was visible on the left leg too.

    Haba! All this for identification? Why not! You go all the way to give a tag to something you love, cherish and adore. Even if it strays, the message here is ‘don’t touch, don’t trespass and don’t take away’. Unfortunately, a number of chics are roaming aimlessly around without any form of identification. The crux of the matter here is that if you allow your chic to roam about and you cannot identify it, then it may be missing for a while or gone forever.

    This is exactly what happened to two lovebirds recently. Hardest hit by the emotional miscalculations is our dear Shewa and she is feeling bad because everyone thought she was too slow in the emotional process. Though she has come to terms with the break up, she is still finding it difficult to create space for a new romance.

    The damsel met Kunle on campus and they had a wonderful relationship. He assisted her with her studies and they complemented each other in different ways. They were very close, but somehow Kunle made no promises. It was a very cordial relationship and Shewa did not allow him more than a nuzzle in public. On his part, Kunle played the role of the good guy and never attempted to take advantage of his adorable chic.

    They graduated and both passed out in flying colours. Barely two years after, Kunle got a scholarship and he had to travel out of the country for the proverbial greener pastures. When he broke the news to Shewa, she was devastated. Her friend, Morenike, was also afraid for her: “You know all these guys, the way they behave once you are out of sight. I hope you are not going to lose this guy after all you have done for him.”

    No way! Her dear Kunle won’t do that, she consoled herself. Time certainly would tell. On the day he was travelling out, Kunle stopped by at Shewa’s place to say goodbye and he asked her to see him off to the airport. That was a great reassurance, indeed. Looks like she was the queen of the emotional Manor, after all. There was no other girl in sight, or so it seemed. She began to imagine that their love letters and phone calls would crisscross the globe. She also imagined how she was going to stash these memorable love notes in her dresser drawer. The last set of imaginations that ran riot was when she would finally be reunited with him in Nigeria or having to travel over to join him where he was.

    Dreaming? Why not? It is better to dream sometimes. She got back home late that night. Her love was airborne and possibly thinking about her too. This distant relationship was just for a while, ‘everything was going to be alright’, she consoled herself and smiled. Her smile lit up the room and her eyes creased with joy. Sleep finally came and she saw her sweetheart in dreamland. Good omen? Sadly, the days ran into weeks, months and years but there were no calls, nor letters.

    From friends, she got the ‘didn’t I warn you?’ signal. The only information that sipped in came from Kunle’s mother. “Hello, my dear. How are you doing? Please take good care of yourself, mix and have new friends. I don’t want you to get too worried. We haven’t also heard from him directly, he just sent a friend to us recently. Please don’t wait for kunle o. You know all these men can be very funny, you cannot vouch for them. When I was about your age, I escorted my boyfriend to the airport and I knew it was over. I married the next guy that came my way. That was how Kunle’s father came into the picture, so be sharp my dear.”

    The old woman was just playing smart; she knew her son had put someone in the family way. There would be no letters, no calls and their romance was history. After all there were no strings attached from the outset. She simply did not read in between the lines.

  • Three children, three fathers at 22

    MY name is Motunde and I grew up with my parents and siblings in a one-room apartment. My dad was a carpenter while my mum worked as a cleaner in a school. My dad was a wicked man and he gave me the impression that all men were like that. I remember he would come home in a drunken state, demand his food and beat the hell out of my mum if she wasted time. Adding salt to my mum’s injury, he would make love to her violently in the middle of the night not caring whether we were awake, watching or not. My mother was over-worked, so love-making, well… sex in their case was unwelcome most of the time. My dad never showed her love and instead blamed her for his misfortunes. Yet, he hardly gave her enough money for our upkeep and feeding which is why she over-worked to get more money. Looking back, at 32 years, she looked 50. It was very unfortunate. Luck, however, smiled on my dad when his popularity in our slum fetched him the councillorship position. We moved out of our one-room to a three-room where a fresh babe was waiting for us – heavily pregnant for my dad. And he announced that whoever was not happy about it could excuse him and leave the house. My mother didn’t say a word and instead asked him which room we could occupy. He shoved us all in one room which served as a store for our few belongings as well. My dad constantly read the riot act and it was like a prison yard. In spite of his growing wealth, he never gave us enough and we had to depend on my mum who had accepted her fate.

    When my father’s wife put to bed and was delivered of her baby, all hell was let loose as the centre could no longer hold in the house.  As timid as we were, my father couldn’t stand our presence. One day, a scuffle ensued between my step-mother and my mum who obviously couldn’t take the humiliation anymore and in his wife’s defence, my dad hit my mother on the head with a pestle. She suffered a dementia and her family suggested she left my dad for safety. My dad wasted no time in sending us all away. We moved to my grandparent’s house at Ikorodu. Life was hard. We were just surrounded by poverty. I had to start hawking pap which my grandmother made and in the process I got deflowered at 15+ by one of my customers. I was eight weeks pregnant before I realised it. The young man denied me outrightly much to the chagrin of those who were aware of our dalliance. We all accepted my fate. My grandmother who insisted I continued schooling sent me to her an aunt in Ogbomosho to study and sit for my school leaving certificate while I left my baby with her.

    At Ogbomosho, life was even harder. My aunt reluctantly took me in. I was very unhappy because she rarely showed me love and instead enslaved me and never failed to call me a little whore who had become a liability to her. She loved to use the word-a’kosibero (an abusive Yoruba term for anyone who inconveniences others with his unfortunate circumstance). While I concentrated on my coaching classes, very determined to pass my exams, I found solace in Dipo. He was my first real love as he nurtured me like an egg. He boosted my ego and made me feel like a champion. I would say his love for me spurred me on and enabled me pass my exams in flying colours. One day, on his way back from Lagos, he died in a fatal accident. I also died that day. I’d be correct to say I ran mad and was insane for the next three months. By the time his parents discovered their late son had a child on his way to the world, I was four months pregnant. My disgruntled and childless aunt had abandoned me to the care of the church we attended. At 19, I brought Dipo back into the world much to the delight of his parents. I didn’t mind giving them their grandson as he only caused me pain and made me cry every single day. It was painful but I had to move on. I was living in one of the rooms in the church compound and had to depend on the pastor-in-charge for my upkeep. The lecherous man took advantage of my vulnerability and was always coming to my room when everyone had gone to sleep to have carnal knowledge of me. He would just pounce on me mercilessly. At 21, I got pregnant again. The “man of God” insisted I aborted the pregnancy but I refused as I still feared terminating a pregnancy as my aunt’s history put so much fear into my heart. Before long, a junior pastor who had been monitoring his boss exposed him to his wife only for the evil man to accuse me of being sent by the devil to seduce him. No one except the junior pastor who left the church immediately would believe my side of the story. I gave birth to the child while I worked at a restaurant, and posted him to my grandma as I didn’t even have an accommodation. A young woman, who didn’t like cooking and would rather buy stews from us, took interest in me, asked me to be her cook and I gladly accepted. A year after, they had to relocate abroad. To my surprise, I was invited along so I could double as her children’s nanny. They were very generous to me and sent me to college. Their affluence rubbed off on me easily, you could never trace me to my horrible past/background.

    While studying Software Engineering, I met Siji, a committed child of God in church where we worked in the same department. We’ve been courting in the Christian way for the past 18months. On my 28th birthday, he proposed to me in the presence of his parents and my foster parents at a surprise dinner he organised for me. He got a yes. Wedding plans are in top gear. I have been discussing with my family members who are over the moon with joy. However, I am sick with worry because Siji doesn’t know about my past. I am too scared to open up and terrified not to. What do you suggest please?

  • Going against the emotional traffic

    THE distinctive feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that lovebirds really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings, and use that privileged knowledge, thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. It is that safe and comforting feeling you get basking in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you.

    Ironically for many, things fell apart when they thought they had conquered all. This experience compares to what happened to Patricia recently. It started like the usual boy-meets-girl story and she wasn’t really satisfied with her Romeo’s status. He didn’t have much, but because she was a fan of the ‘not all that glitters’ phrase, she decided to give him a chance. To make it work, she gave him all the love, support and attention required for a ‘learner’ on the emotional wheels. In a short while, they made it to the top and became the toast of the town.

    Three and half decades down the line, the union produced six wonderful children and everyone thought our dear Patricia had solved all the mathematical equations in the emotional terrain. Suddenly, the emotional pendulum shifted backwards and a new beauty about the same age with their first son stole the heart of the beau in question. Just like that? Well, you can’t afford to be careless along this corridor. On his part, the Romeo claimed that he had been hoodwinked all this while by an emotional witch (his wife).

    Anyway, now that we have found love, what are we gonna do with it?  Patricia accepted this as her lot and moved into an emotional coma. On his part, the excited Romeo was in the clouds and he just did not want distractions. First, he gave her a quit notice, and when she refused to comply, he beat her to pulp, removing a tooth in the process. When the children from the union got wind of the happening, things fell apart.

    All hell was let loose; they moved to the family house, beat up the princess who was distracting their father and built a new apartment for Patricia in the same compound. Love or no love, they transformed her world, bought a car and had a steward and driver on standby. Remorseful, the Romeo apologised and they reverted back to the emotional status quo.

    That old man was simply going against the emotional traffic. He broke all the rules, damaged a reliable car (heart) and had to pay the penalty. Luckily, he realised his mistakes before it was too late and went back to the right way using the reverse gear.

    He was driving his emotional vehicle in the wrong direction. The big question here would be why would someone want to go against the traffic? Interestingly, people do this for so many reasons. The first is to get to the desired destination (new heart) on time because the normal direction (old heart) has some traffic and you just do not want to be part of the stress.

    On the emotional corridor, this amounts to cheating and breaking the rules of consistency. A cheating heart can be compared with a reckless driver, moving around in the wrong direction and crashing (breaking) hearts in the process. It is worse when the heart knows that the game is up and the next option would be to speed faster on the wrong lane crashing more hearts in the process. Sanity comes in when the law finally catches up with this reckless heart.

    People can also drive in the wrong direction because they missed an exit (confusion), for thrill-seeking (distraction), as a suicide attempt (end of the road), or as a shortcut (the restless). Emotional penalties at this juncture can include a fight, quarrel or a break-up or a combination of all of these.

    Sometimes, it may be a mistake and not a deliberate action. For example, this happens when the driver is from a right-hand traffic country being unaccustomed to driving in a left-hand traffic country, and vice versa. It is therefore important to understand the routes and be in charge of the wheels.

    While driving on the road, you also need to factor the interest of other people into whatever you do. It is therefore very important to behave yourself and not be a reckless driver on the physical or emotional terrain. Of course, we all know that it can be tiring sitting in traffic, sweating, hooting and shouting at those who want to cut corners but somehow you would have satisfied your conscience that you did what was right. Life simply must go on and it is not every time that the traffic is smooth. At such point, our responsibility is to comply, manage traffic and manage congestion.

    When it comes to breaking the rules of the emotional traffic, there should be zero-tolerance for lawlessness. Why not! If there is zero-tolerance for breach of our traffic rules and regulations because of the consequence, then the same should apply to the emotional traffic. Sadly like the traffic, a lot of people like to find their way out of emotional ‘congestion’ without giving a hoot about the consequences.

  • Sex: A wife’s weapon

    From time immemorial, women have been said to be weaker than men in many ways; this reason makes some men treat their wives badly. Ironically, researches show that in sexual intercourse, men are weaker than women. Could wives have found a way to punish their husbands? Medinat Kanabe finds out in this report.

    A recent research by professors of psychology, Kathleen Catanese, and Roy F. Baumeister, concluded that men masturbate more than women; they take more risks and incur more costs for sex. They want sex more often than women, whether one is talking about young couples or people who have been married to the same person for forty years. Men also want more different partners than women want, and men like a greater variety of sex acts than women do.

    Men initiate sex often and refuse it rarely. Women initiate it much more rarely and refuse it much more often than men. Given an opportunity for sex, men leap at it, while women say no.

    Women find it easier than men to go without sex. An adult woman who is between relationships can easily go for months, sometimes even years, hardly thinking of sex and not minding if she doesn’t have it. Men go nuts without sex (or at least some do). A man who loses his girlfriend will often start masturbating by the next day or two.

    Even when both men and women make a heartfelt, sacred vow of chastity, the men find it much harder to keep than women.

    Because of the above reason, women now believe that the easiest way to punish their husbands is starving them of sex when they feel offended by the men.

    This is why an Orile Customary Court in Lagos, Nigeria was thrown into bewilderment as a 45-year-old woman confessed to having starved her husband of sex for 18 years to punish him for his wrong doings.

    “I did this because my husband refused to financially care for my children and I. He also abuses me verbally and physically abuse and demands for sex in harsh ways. He beats me up whenever I ask for the children’s school fees and feeding allowance.”

     She filed for divorce in court and her husband who happens to be a pastor denied the allegations his wife levelled against him. He described her as a well known street fighter whose regular fracas with people caused the landlord to eject them from their house.

    Another woman, a trader, told a court last week that she will continue to deny her husband of 12 years sex until he pays her the money he owes her.

    “I have been denying my husband sex because he borrowed N690,000 from me and has refused to pay. I will continue to starve him of sex until he pays the money,” she said.

    She, like the other woman, accused her husband, Akeem, of always swearing and cursing her with a charm, which, according to her, is affecting her life negatively.

    She, however, urged the court not to grant her husband’s wish for the dissolution of their marriage, saying that she was still in love with him.

    In his defence, her businessman husband said: “My wife does not want me to touch her nor make love to her, I am tired of the marriage because I am neither a stick nor a stone.”

    He pleaded with the court to dissolve the union since he was no longer interested and did not love her any more.

    The above cases are clear examples that women can actually use sex as a weapon to fight their wives. But the question is: with the conclusion of the research, did the men stay away from sex because their wives denied them?

    Men speak

    Mr George Okagbare, a health safety and environmentalist, asked what he would do if his wife denies him of sex, he says if that is what she wants, “I will not do anything but to stay. I will try to dialogue though, because, according to the scripture, both of us should not deny each other our body because one belongs to the other.

    “The woman should not believe that denying her husband sex will make her achieve her goal because I believe there are three schools of thoughts to that. There is the school of thought that will say, if she doesn’t want to give her body, she should leave his house. Another will say if she doesn’t want, she should stay because there are other women outside who will gladly give him sex; while the third which I belong to will try to dialogue.

    “She should be careful because if a man is pushed to the wall too much, especially when it has to do with sex, he will go outside to get it.”

    Mr Okoro Frank, a journalist, does not agree with Okagbare. He says he will not dialogue but go and revive all his former relationships which he had kept in the past.

    “I will not beg her until she is ready to come back to her senses. How can a woman I married, housed and clothed deny me of sex? She will beg me at the end of the day because I will go and wake up all my past relationships. Did her mother do that to her father? It cannot even happen to me. The bible too says submit all yourself to your husband and husband love your wife.”

    For Mr Emmanuel Etim, a programmer, sex is something that is emotionally attached, so one shouldn’t force somebody that is not interested into it. “If I need sex from my wife, I need to make sure she is in that mood, if not I cannot force her. If she says she won’t give me sex because I cannot meet her demands, I will explain to her why I cannot meet her demands and as a Christian I will talk to her about it, but if she continues, I will hold on until she comes to her senses.”

    Mr Muda Ganiyu didn’t mince words, he just told this reporter that he will marry another woman or get himself a sexy girlfriend.

    A procurement specialist, Emeka Nsolube, says a wife should not starve her husband of sex but if it happens to him, he will first call a marriage counsellor to talk to both of them so they can know where the problem is from.

    “It may be emotional pains or any other problem that we can work together to amend, but if it continues after all these, then I will decide on what do to.”

    On whether a woman should deny her husband of sex because he owes her money, he said, “I don’t believe that a woman should deny her husband sex because he owes her money. Any woman that does that needs counselling. She needs to understand that it is not all about money.”

    Mr Samuel Kenneth, an instrumentalist, says although it cannot happen to him, he knows of someone who it has happened to. “He is a church member whose wife denied him of sex. He ended up raping her. When she reported to my pastor, he told her that she caused it.”

    Mr Adeshina Orowale, an accountant, believes that for every action, there must be a reaction. “Before she will starve me of sex, I must have done something that caused the reaction, so what I will do is to try as much as possible to find out what caused it. If after I have done that, she still insists without any genuine excuse, I will try about three times, then threaten her that I will go out and marry another woman or meet the women waiting for me.

    “I know my wife very well; she will not want to hear that. I am very sure she cannot continue because she knows the danger in it. But if she insists that I should go out, I will stay like that because I cannot really go out. Before I married her, I wasn’t doing it, so I can stay without doing it; it will even make me stronger.”

    Kelechi Eze who is about two years old in his marriage says there must be a reason for the action, but that particular action requires a serious and urgent dialogue.

    “After the hearty dialogue, I will consult our marriage counsellor, then follow it from there. I don’t know what I will do, but I will do the needful.”

    Steven Adeola, a lecturer, says he will first plead with her because if he doesn’t do that and she continues, he will be tempted to commit adultery, which is against his faith and belief. “If she still insists, I will invite someone she respects and listens to. But, again, if she insists and it is clear that I have not offended her to deserve it, then God has to intervene because the truth is that man is sex-driven and if denied for too long, something bad will happen.”

    Yomi Afe says he will try to know why she is denying him, and if it is his fault, he will make amends and try to settle it, but if she insists, “I will go for pay-as-you-go.”

  • Pursue your destiny (XXXVII)

    DEAR Temilolu, Your weekly column in Sunday Nation is always full of inspiration. More grace upon you and your family.

    Anonymous

    Dear Temilolu,

    You are impacting greatly into a lot of lives. May the Lord continue to help and sustain you in Jesus name.

    Anonymous

    Dear Sis. Temi,

    I am 50 years old and a graduate. I had a flourishing business till 2013 when all crashed. I woke up this morning in tears, praying to God. Shortly after, I saw your article on the adverse effects of Fear and getting rid of it and I got some relief. Thanks.

    Aderonke

    Hello Nigerians,

    It’s nice to be with you again this 19th day of the month. I pray with all my heart that God shall visit you and throw you into the skies above every mountain standing before you in Jesus name. Last week, I began discussing Talkativeness which unknown to a lot of people shuts out the spirit of God which is what we need to coast through life successfully. I welcome you all to school on Sunday.

    Talkativeness (Contd.)

    “Whoever guards his mouth and tongue keeps his soul from troubles.” Proverbs.21:23

    Our soul is the seat of our spirituality i.e. our deep connection/relationship with God without which we’ll be groping in darkness and life will be a dark abyss full of unending trouble. Our soul is also the source of our intelligence and knowledge and out of it comes everything we do with our life. Now, what the bible means by the above scripture is that our mouth and tongue can destroy our entire existence on earth. The amazing thing though is that we have enormous power over it if only we would develop our spirituality. The devil takes advantage of those whose mouths are undisciplined, uncontrolled and used wickedly. Some people sin by simply overusing their tongue. Ecclesiastes 5:3 says that “a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words.” The devil also enforces his evil works in people by authorising the negative words they confess. We must always note that God never exists where the devil is wanted or unconsciously invited. Please shout this prayer point loud and clear-

    “Every evil door my tongue has opened for the devil to gain entry into my life, be closed forever with the blood of Jesus. (Pray aggressively for the next 2 minutes)

    “Shun profane and idle babblings, for they will increase to more ungodliness. And their message will spread like cancer.” 2 Timothy 2:16 NIV

    Also, Jesus warned that our words are so important that it will actually determine our condemnation or validation, for we will be responsible for all our words, even our careless, idle words.

    “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it in the Day of Judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”Mathew12:36-37 NIV

    Amazingly, too many Christians and even pastors don’t take this warning seriously. We’ll find out on judgment day. I pray we shall all be daily loaded with the spirit of God and only speak when we should.

    “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”   James 1:19 NIV

    I dare say too many destinies have been wasted because of an impatient and proud spirit which just wants to speak and lord its opinion or defence over the other. The devil is the king of strife and is very smart. We must learn to be quiet when we find ourselves in the middle of an argument or a quarrel which may lead into what could cause us spiritual or physical harm. A lot of youth have had their lives turned upside down by adults who refused to understand that they were talking out of youthful exuberance. In human beings, one spirit reigns in us, either the spirit of God or that of the devil and that is what pushes us to react to what people do to us. The more we allow the in-dwelling of the spirit of God, the quieter we become because the more we are connected to God/the supernatural and the wondrous blessings ahead of us, the less our  interest in the people around us and the world generally. Remember, you came to this world alone and you are responsible for 75% of what becomes of your destiny.

    “This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength….”  Isaiah 30:15 NIV

    A quiet person naturally magnetises the spirit of God because God loves to have our attention. And anyone who is quiet has the opportunity to carry enormous power. So if you learn to be quiet and carry the presence of God, you become a power generator and therefore untouchable!

    What is the way to being set free completely? First we must find the root of talkativeness. Often it is our desire for attention. We want to make ourselves important. We think we have to give our opinion about everything. How quickly these unprofitable words lead us to speak in a disparaging way about others, gossip and spread rumours, etc. It also leads us to reveal God’s plans for us to the enemy who would do everything possible to scuttle it backed up by the devil. What if that plan is all our original destiny requires to manifest? Hmm…sigh!  Shut your mouth in God’s name.

  • ‘I dreamt of shoe line as teenager’

    ‘I dreamt of shoe line as teenager’

    Gbemi Olateru-Olagbegi has managed to climb up the ladder to be the one calling the shots as an on-air personality since she returned home in 2004 having studied Communication at Oakland University, Rochester, Michigan, United States. Gbemi returned to find good fortune in an industry that seemed it was just waiting for her. The Ondo State-born OAP who recently marked her 10 years on air has also unveiled her shoe line. She shares her journey to the top with Adetutu Audu and how she has remained scandal-free. 

    YOU recently unveiled your shoe line. At what point did you figure out “I want to design shoes?”

    I decided when I was a teenager that one day, I would own my own shoe line. I really love shoes and it was so difficult to find my size. My mom would hold my hand tight and we would go from store to store looking for nice shoes. I did not like the process at all. The market was rowdy, noisy and the shoe seller would always push my feet into the shiny, patent (and almost always tight) shoes and say “it’s your size! Fine girl, Fine shoe!”

    Meanwhile, my poor toes would be crying. I also had lovely aunties who lived abroad and they would send me beautiful shoes but they never fit! I guess they just never asked what my shoe size was; they would buy the shoes thinking I would “grow into them” not knowing that my feet were “already grown”.

    When I turned 12, I refused to go shopping with mom for clothes or shoes. There were lots of pretty shoes but they never had my size or they would have a size smaller.

    Can you tell me about a pair of shoes you will never forget?

     I will never forget my first pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. I still have them but I don’t wear them anymore. They were really, really high and I could barely walk in them.

    Recently, there have been a lot of collaborations between designers and celebrities with mass retailers. What’s your take on this?

     I think designers and celebrities collaborating with mass retailers is a good initiative. The fans of the celebs get to purchase clothes designed by people they admire.

    Do you have a motto when it comes to shoes?

     I don’t have a specific motto. As long as the shoes look good and the wearer enjoys them.

    How would you describe your style of shoes versus other brands?

    Gbemisoke shoes were created for women who wear from a UK size 8 and up (US size 10 and up). It’s quite tough for women with bigger feet to find their size.

    If you had to impart a bit of shoe wisdom, what would that be?

    Try to buy classic styles when buying shoes. Classic styles are always in vogue.

    You cut your teeth as a radio presenter and instantly became one listeners love to listen to.  How did your journey to broadcasting world start?

    My journey into broadcasting started in school. I interned at the school radio station in university (Oakland University, Rochester, Michigan). I moved back to Nigeria for NYSC. I was a junior reporter at NTA in VI and I got a part-time job at CoolFM at the same time as a news editor. I met Dan Foster and he thought I was interesting and that’s how I got on radio.

    You won the Future Awards in 2008 for “On Air Personality of the Year”, The ‘Dynamix award’ for Radio Presenter of the Year in 2008, The “Exquisite Lady of the Year” award for “Best Female Radio Presenter” in 2010. With all these in your kitty, what keeps you going?

    I am grateful to God for all these accolades. I just won On Air Personality of the Year again at the Nigerian Broadcasters Awards. What keeps me going is the love for the job. It’s a great job. I get to play good music every weekday, interact with listeners, stars and important people. Radio has also opened so many doors for me. I’m currently in the middle of production for my TV show. I also run a media company called Speakerboxx.

    What were your initial challenges?

    It has been quite a journey. In March 2015, I marked 10 years on air. I have seen artistes and OAS that have come and gone. Trends in the entertainment industry come and go. It has been a pleasant journey for me. What I constantly do is challenge myself to be better, to build my brand and continue to do things others have not done. The industry has changed. I have remained myself but I keep evolving and getting better at my craft.

    Would you say your career has influenced your fashion sense?

    A few years ago, radio OAPs were rarely seen, but these days, you have to be seen. Being seen means paying more attention to your clothes, hair, make-up and accessories. I now have a team of stylists responsible for my make-up, hair, and wardrobe to take care of my general appearance.

    Most people who get big doing radio usually make a swift transition to television. You recently launched your show on TV too. What is the attraction?

    I have actually done some TV. I did the ‘win your dream’ promo with Celtel back in 2007. I’ve done a few TV projects here and there, albeit more of freelance. My own television show titled Gbemi is where we will be discussing everything that affects us as human beings  human interest stories, entertainment, everything. It’s not just going to be me seated with a celebrity every week. There are serious stories I think we can talk about and explore and that’s what I’m looking to do. I’ve always wanted to do the TV Thing. I greatly admire Oprah, Funmi Iyanda, Adesuwa Onyenokwe and Mo Abudu.

    When you are on air you seem to gist a lot, is that deliberate?

    It is quite deliberate. People should be interested when they listen to you. I just be myself and act like I’m talking to my friends and we are just gisting. The only difference is that I have a mic in front of me. It helps in bringing the listener closer to you. They feel like they can relate with you, they feel like they know you and that was my strategy.

    Growing up, who influenced you early in life – the good, the bad and the ugly?

     My parents definitely influenced me. They taught me how to work hard and work smart.

    How has your family name helped in shaping you into who you are?

    My family name is very popular. My grandfather (who was the Olowo of Owo) is responsible for the popularity. Apart from having many children, he was influential in the political arena. His life and work taught me to make a difference and to stand up for my beliefs. He was a very confident man. That’s where I get it from. I didn’t choose the family into which I was born. It just happened that my surname is Olateru-Olagbegi. I just take it as it is, but if I don’t have reasons to mention my last name for maybe recognition, I don’t. When I say recognition, I mean, when you go to a place and they ask for your last name, then I will have to tell them.

    How would you describe your style?

    My style is very simple. I don’t like fuss.

    Of all the shoes that you’ve designed, which has given you the most satisfaction?

     I am most satisfied by my mules. They will be out later in the year. I just received the samples and I’m very excited.

    What criteria do you use when designing new shoes?

     I think of the shape, the colours, and if the style will be in vogue for a long time.

    You are into broadcasting and shoe-designing and other things, what drives you?

    I’m always looking for new opportunities as well. It’s another way to let people know you can do other things, whether you are a radio or TV personality. You can do so many other things. I have done some endorsements here and there. I did some things with Close-up and so many others. I think it’s a good thing, because you get to meet so many different people creating new opportunities. I am working on a lot more. I am always thinking and exploring on new ventures.

    You studied abroad; can you share your experience with us as a student?

    Being a foreign student is both exciting and terrifying at the same time. There were less than 10 Nigerians in my school at the time and the student population was 16,000 plus. I made friends with people from all over the world. That experience taught me not to judge people based on where they are from. I’m still good friends with people I met in school and we try to meet up once a year at least.

  • Lust frequencies and distractions

    LOST and stranded, Ifedayo just cannot understand the alternating emotional current that she is experiencing at the moment. As much as she tries to decode the tune from the radio for better signals, the tunes are discordant.  Perhaps it is better to shift the emotional antenna in another direction for connection. Sadly, it is still the same old story.  It is obviously an outpour of emotion but the message is vague and confusing; how is she ever going to understand these alternating emotional currents?

    To be or not to be! That is the emotional question on her lips now. She met her true love, Bayo, at the hospital when her father had an accident. It was a very traumatic period in her life and she was a great comforter. It was a wonderful relationship after a few nasty experiences with men. Bayo literarily swept her off her feet and the word resistance vanished from her emotional lexicon.

    Was this sacrifice worth the while? Well, the Romeo was glued to her emotional frequency for a while. It was very alluring and listening to these love vibes consistently, our dear friend was certain that the frequency was just right. Those sweet emotional lyrics and lullabies brought tears of joy. Just when she thought she couldn’t do without the dude in question, the source of the emotional current was tampered with and there was an emotional blackout.

    Can we really blame the Romeo in question? He became bored with the package and began to tune to other emotional frequencies that had a variety of options to offer. Reality zone! Should she fight for control of the emotional station? The truth of the matter was that she had never fought over a guy in her life and so there was no need to fight for this one. If he was truly hers, he would certainly come back. Time and distance bring lots of distractions. The vacuum also brought new frequencies to a heart that was distorted and disorganised. Instead of struggling with melancholic vibrations, she tuned to a lust frequency. A mistake? To her utmost surprise, the selections on the turn table were melodious. It turned out to have vibes that were scintillating.

    Meanwhile, Bayo is tired of the lust frequency and was trying to reconnect. The feeling did not match the expectations. No, this was not the kind of music (love) that he craved for. Back with a bang? He was on but Ifedayo was no longer operating on that frequency. She was actually operating on something higher and more adventurous. End of the story? This time around Bayo had learnt his lessons and he knew he needed to give her time. Time to know and understand that what she was feeling was nothing but distraction. He was right, twelve weeks after, it was all over and she was back in his arms.

    They almost missed it. Interestingly, they are not alone. A number of lovebirds have been distracted along the lust frequency. It is therefore wise to make sure you understand the heart that you are cruising with if you really love the person. Also make sure that you are operating on the same frequency and make room for adjustments. Failure to do this can take your treasure from one point of distraction to the other.

    Did I just hear you say that your heart can never be distracted? A big joke! Love and lust are like Siamese twins; where you find one, you find the other. If you are still in doubt, then you must listen to what Tim Hunt, a biochemist, says about distraction and the laboratory

    “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls,” Mr. Hunt told an audience at the World Conference of Science Journalists in South Korea. “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticise them they cry.”

    His summation here is that women are a romantic distraction in the laboratory. Truth here is that men get carried away most of the time and it doesn’t matter who you are, temptations abound. The Nobel laureate had to resign as honourary professor at University College London after saying this because there was an uproar about women being a romantic distraction in the laboratory.

    The truth of the matter is that the emotional frequency fluctuates and you need to be prepared to handle the currents without tears.

    True connection is one of love’s bedrock prerequisites; a prime reason that love is not unconditional, but instead requires a particular stance. Neither abstract nor mediated, true connection is physical and unfolds in real time. It requires sensory and temporal co-presence of bodies. The main mode of sensory connection, scientists contend, is eye contact. Other forms of real-time sensory contact  through touch, voice, or mirrored body postures and gestures  no doubt connect people as well and at times can substitute for eye contact. Nevertheless, eye contact, expert informs, is the most potent trigger for connection and oneness.