The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Feelings would get ruffled from time to time

    Feelings would get ruffled from time to time

    THE first rule in a relationship is that you cannot give what you do not have. This naturally means that you have to develop your personality and self worth to get a heart that matches your dream.

    In addition to this, you must also love yourself before you can truly accept love from someone else. Unfortunately, a number of people do not work on themselves and expect that the heart they are falling in love with would walk in and fill in the emotional gaps. Developing a strong sense of self worth will help stabilise your relationship and you will experience greater peace and fewer conflicts. On a daily basis, hearts that are meant to be together fall apart never to be mended again. Others are actually sitting on an emotional bomb that may explode any time from now. Why is it easier to extinguish love flames instead of keeping the flames alive? Interestingly, experts believe that a happy relationship is made up of two good forgivers. Being imperfect and flawed human beings, there would always be a time when we deviate from the emotional plan and we offend or hurt our partner. Look around and you would find emotional plans and strategies that have been muddled up by one or both parties.

    The crux of the matter is that feelings will get ruffled from time to time and that is why it is better to have an open mind as well as forgive one another. It is wrong to go around looking for reasons to feel offended, and when it happens we don’t want to assume that it was intentional. Forgiveness builds peace. Holding a grudge and making someone feel guilty destroys that peace. To maintain peace in your relationship, master these two life skills and be the mature emotional candidate.

    One way to stay on top of the emotional game is to listen with your heart. For instance, hearing what someone says is not the same as really listening. When we listen to someone who is important to us we should do so with the intention of hearing what they really mean, even if the word choice isn’t perfect. Listening is vital to good communication, but this requires that our motives be sincere. Conversations can easily fall apart if we are looking for an excuse to take offence at what is said or start picking apart the word choices. Listening with your heart means being motivated by a desire to understand the thoughts and feelings of your partner for the good of the relationship. It also means respecting them enough to listen without being judgmental or reading meanings to simple gesticulations.

    People who are insecure when it comes to making friends are usually scared of what other people might be thinking. When you do that, you are making it all about you; but making friends is about a connection between two people. If someone doesn’t seem interested in making friends immediately, don’t take it personal because there could be any number of reasons for their response. Maybe their life is upside down right now. Since you don’t know, why take it personal?

    Always remember that in the beginning of a friendship, everyone is on his or her best behaviour. But making friends usually takes time. Sure, there are times when people seem to bond instantly, but that is the exception, not the norm. So, when making friends, don’t expect too much too soon. Give them some space and let things unfold in a natural way. One of the most important features of beginning a new friendship is to not be scared or overly self-conscious. When making friends, there is a tendency to make assumptions on what another person may be thinking. A guy may think: “I’d like to go over and talk to her, but she probably wouldn’t be interested in making friends with someone like me.”

    Meantime, she is thinking: “I wonder why he never talks to me, he’s probably just not interested.” When making friends, avoid making assumptions. How can you possibly know what the other person is thinking? Remember, you don’t know them. Why not take the initiative to start a conversation and see what happens?

    The path to forgiveness is easier to find when there is a sincere apology pointing the way. If you blew it, say I’m sorry. Don’t let your pride get in the way. A genuine, heartfelt apology can go a long way toward keeping peace in your relationship. Life is short and an apology costs you nothing. So, be willing to do the right thing for your relationship, instead of propping up your ego.

    People who are on the same team, who love and care about each other, don’t need to be defensive. Listen compassionately when your partner expresses their feelings. They are not trying to attack you; they are just trying to tell you how they feel. Don’t treat their expressions as criticism. Listen with acceptance and a genuine desire to understand their needs. This is not a power struggle, it is a conversation. When your partner expresses their feelings and needs, it’s about them not you. Accepting that you are both on the same team will help you resist the urge to be defensive.

  • Pursue your destiny

    Pursue your destiny

    Dear Temilolu Okeowo,

    Happy Sunday to you. You are fantastic in your write-ups. Though I’m 40 years old, you always seem to direct your thoughts towards me. I need more of your thought-provoking articles and I hope our ladies take delight in reading your column and deviate from their dangerous adventures.

    Israel

     

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    My parents have been mounting pressure on me to bring home my fiancé but I have no one to take home because every guy that comes my way wants me to get pregnant before they can get committed and meet my parents and I don’t want to engage in sexual intercourse anymore. Please advise me on what to do.

    Funke, 24

     

    Dear Funke,

    I really hope your parents don’t push you into making a mistake that may be fatal to your destiny which they would also later regret. Perhaps they want you to become the responsibility of another man to ease their burden. Well, maybe not. Most of the guys you meet may not be so sincere about you being pregnant before they can commit themselves to you and meet your parents. They may just want to have a taste of your body. And besides, what if your boy friend gets you pregnant and at the same time finds another girl he feels is more like the girl of his dreams? You are very likely to lose out because there are so many situations like that these days and his excuse would be “I can’t spend the rest of my life with a woman I don’t love.” Now, do you want to marry a guy who is reluctant to marry you even when his parents mount pressure on him to do so? That is “hell on earth.”  Besides, marriage is not just about settling down in life with any man of your choice that you fancy. Marriage is discovering and spending the rest of your life with the one God has specially designed to complement your life and help you fulfill God’s purpose on earth. I must also not fail to remind you that the scriptures expect our beds to be undefiled at marriage. That is, fornication, which is otherwise known as pre-marital sex, is forbidden by God. We all have a freedom to make the choices we believe suits us. However, going against God’s rules has dire consequences. And if I were you, I’d choose to follow God because He knew us before we were formed in our mother’s wombs and His fantastic plans never fail as long as we follow Him implicitly no matter what the devil does. Please, don’t devalue yourself. Age is on your side. Your age is ripe for marriage but there’s no need to rush. Have you fully discovered yourself? Are you where you always aspired to be in terms of education, career etc.? You have absolutely no reason to force yourself on any man. While evaluating your life, I suggest you pursue your destiny, prayerfully let your parents know your fiancé is on the way, concentrate on God and before you know it, the man God paired with you from heaven to catapult your destiny to greatness will locate you.

    “How do I pursue my destiny?” I hear you ask. You need to find out from God. No man of God can give you the precise answer. To start with, you have to align yourself with God and get Him to beam His light on your life. You align yourself by having a personal relationship with Him and living your life as though He’s the only one who exists. You have to constantly crave for his attention by living a holy life and be in His presence. Engage yourself in constantly studying the scriptures because it is our manual for living and by so doing you are reading God Himself and rubbing minds with Him. Before you know it, visions and dreams of your original destiny will start pouring in then you work on it to manifest.

    You see, I feel sorry for a lot of people who never discover themselves before they get married or better put, whose original destiny is not manifesting when they are ready to settle down in marriage. More often than not, their lives end up attracting the wrong partner because when your original destiny is not manifesting, you will certainly be at the wrong place, location, doing the wrong things, engaging in profitless hard work etc. I could go on and on. However, when your original begins to manifest, your life would be a beautiful picture and you’ll have all you are destined to have – with ease. Remember, this is Africa where satanic diversion and manipulation of destiny is rampant. Hmm…Sigh. Eniyan o fe ni f’oro, af’ori eni. I believe this Yoruba adage means “No one wants you to be prosperous but your inner man.” Elders, is my translation correct? (Please text me and let me know).

    Girls, you all need to sit tight and get a firm grip on your life so you can have the very best of life and advance gallantly to eternity. We all have a lot to learn and God will teach us. Here’s a hug from God to you.

  • ‘Gap between democracy and people is real’

    ‘Gap between democracy and people is real’

    Omowumi Gbadamosi is the country Director of the Centre for International Private Enterprise (CIPE). In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about the challenges females face in understanding the electoral process and how they can make a difference in the society. 

    WOULD linking the markets with democracy reduce corruption?

    Corruption is deeply rooted in the whole country, but the thing about corruption is that everybody gets shortchanged. While a lot people point fingers at the private sector, the truth of the matter is that there are two sides to corruption. You have the demand and the supply sides.

    Once the private sector begins to point fingers at the public sector, the other fingers indict that the supply side is the other sector. Usually, the private sector is in a hurry, they do not want delay; anything that constitutes barriers must be removed.

    However, advocacy works; dialogue and coming to the table with superior arguments can make a difference. Also bringing facts and figure to buttress your point can really make a change. If, for instance, you have a project and money that is supposed to be spent on the project is mismanaged or if it was meant to be used for infrastructure development like roads. So, as a public officer, you have to drive on that road, you do not have another road, so in real terms that individual is also short changed. So we live by it every day; the negative impact of corruption is there for everyone to suffer.

    Has it been easy for women to come out of their shell and be part of this process?

    CIPE started in Nigeria in 2008 and I remember that the first engagement started with national associations, which are apex organisations all over the country s like NACCIMA, NASME and the benefits from these programmes trickled down. Unlike what we had about eight years ago, there has been a change in the strategy and it is now a bottom up approach unlike what we had at that time when it was to top down. The whole idea was that the six geo political zones would benefit from the interventions. We found that the issues that affect the markets are cross cutting. It is as important as they are to the chamber of commerce as they are to the manufacturer’s association. They impact on market women and impact even professionals in the different sectors.

    For instance, a law firm, an engineering, pharmaceutical firm, an agricultural firm or an architectural firm is an operator in the same market. They would see eye to eye in the chamber of commerce   or in their meetings as members of the manufacturers association in issues like infrastructural deficits. The negative impact of infrastructural deficits is of concern to a lot of people and so it makes sense to bring them together.

    What that has also done is to raise their profile and make their voice audible and they have achieved more by bringing their resources together around the issues that affect them. So, that is how a network of business people and they are based on issues of infrastructural deficits and the negative impact on the people. We have such groups in seven states, all six states in the North central zone like Niger, Plateau, Nasarawa, Benue, Enugu, Kwara and Kogi states. Then the women, because women have issues in addition to the issues of the market that are gender based and we have a platform also for these women.

    Talking about female entrepreneurs, they are always faced with challenges like access to credit, multiple taxation and so many other issues. How can they make significant contributions to the democratic process?

    That is the good thing about democracy. Democracy promotes space for participation. The women have identified their major task and what advocacy does is to help them to negotiate for themselves. If they organise themselves and come together, occupy their space within democracy and negotiate. They don’t have to be in that condition forever. They should continue to search for it; they should continue to act on it and negotiate. For instance, we just had a project on access to credit and the recommendations showed what their challenges had been and where the shoe pinches. So, apart from identifying the problems, they also came with recommendations too.

    Is affirmative action working, or should women look for other tools in the political space?

    It is good, but it is also important for women not to play the weakling .Women have nurturing capacity and they are a great resource.

    Women are endowed, they are special and I really mean that. Look at the nurturing of women as mothers; they still take that into anything that they do in nation building or anything. So when women try to play second fiddle or draw up sentiments that they are weak, I try to put things in perspective. Of course, I know that physically they are weak but I think that women should come into politics from the position of strength.

    They should come to it with all the capabilities and resources that they have. That is something that we need to encourage women to do more. So, the affirmative action is good but in addition to that they should also display strength, capabilities and the other resources that they are bringing to the table.

    One other reason why women shy from politics is violence and insecurity threats, especially Boko haram at the moment.  What can be done about this?

    The security threat is not only for women. It is affecting everybody. Women should join the fight against insecurity and get back our country, make it a safe haven because we have no other place to go to.

     

    So, how can we change the trends positively?

    We just had a workshop and the focus was to strengthen private sector participation in election. You would agree with me that not everybody understands the electoral process, voter education, the entry point for civil society and the rest of it. That has affected advocacy platforms to fund in the country. The whole idea is to be able to get advocates to foster relationship with the political platforms for policy dialogue.

    Prior to this engagement, we have always had groups engaged with candidates only after they have emerged, post election. We are saying that relationships should be fostered or established pre-election, so that they can have the opportunity to add to the manifestoes of political parties and to have political parties focus on issues. When that happens, it makes dialogue, post election, easier because already they know the agenda.

    As I always say that the gap that exists between a stable democracy and the people is real. It is not just one of those things that the people say. The private sector stimulates economic growth; the private sector makes job creation happen. The private sector is the engine of the economy.

    It’s like a cliché but in real terms that is the truth. So, this particular programme that we just concluded is to put it in perspective for everyone.

    We are trying to educate the private sector in pre-election activities. Some have indicated interests to bring to the political parties the problems of the private sector.  They are interested in bringing to the attention of the politician an economic platform which they want to bring to the attention of the politicians. Another focus is to show them how to advocate their policy priorities to political parties.

    Hopefully, both the civil society and the political party platforms would take this further and deepen the relationship that we are trying to foster.

    You have had trainings and interactions with different parts of the country. What are some of your findings?

    A lot of those we have interacted with wanted to know why political parties mattered. We found this very interesting and this accounted for every other platform that we have worked with.

  • He likes fighting in public

    He likes fighting in public

    Is he a gold digger?

    I met my fiancée at a friend’s place about three years ago. He was jobless and while talking about his predicaments I decided to help him get a job. Things got better and he appeared to be very grateful. He called regularly and we got closer and started a relationship. I also linked him with some friends who are suspicious that he may be a gold digger. Should I trust him or believe what my friends are telling me. Hauwa

    Response

    You have to assess your fiancé yourself and do not judge him by the views of others. They may just be envious or have something up their sleeves. Good communication is one of the most important life skills for any relationship. Speak candidly and freely, but tactfully and kindly. Be willing to take responsibility for your words and always be respectful. Trust and honesty are the foundation of a happy relationship and good communication is the glue that holds everything together.

    Makes me really upset

    I have been in a relationship for about two years and the relationship has been very exciting. The only snag, however, is that my partner takes issues that are private to the public and it makes me really upset. There are times when I find myself getting really angry and in the process would do things I would not do ordinarily. Abiodun.

    Response

    This certainly is part of the learning process and you need to let her know what you like and what you do not like. It would take her some time to get used to this. So, if she continues and  you start to lose your composure, excuse yourself for a few minutes so you can calm down, gain some perspective, and clear those unwanted emotions. Self-control is one of those life skills that can take time to master, but making the effort will save you lots of grief over the long run.

    He likes fighting in public

    I am an introvert but the gentleman in my life is an extrovert. At the beginning of the relationship, I tried to opt out because of some of the differences that I noticed but he pleaded that we could work things out. After a while, I noticed that my boyfriend is always suspicious whenever he sees anyone around me and I don’t like the fact that he just could not trust me. One other trait that I noticed is that he likes fighting in public and I just do not like this at all.  Sherifat.

    Response

    The truth of the matter is that there are individual differences. It is important to learn how to build trust and calm your partner. Knowing what it takes to provide a calming influence when your mate becomes irrational and unreasonable is a life skill that promotes peace when things could easily go the other way. This is something that both partners can learn to do for each other. To accomplish this, you must be willing to sit down with your partner ahead of time and discuss it openly. Your goal is for both of you to discover the best way to help your partner feel better when one of you slips into that unreasonable state.

    My mother-in-law is always over reacting

    I have been married for about five years and my wife and I have a cordial relationship. Everything is in place and we try not to hurt one another. The only time when we have problems is when my mother-in-law come visiting. The woman reacts to almost everything I do or do not do and this brings a lot of tension.  What can I really do about this woman? Bernard.

    Response

    We all have times when our emotions get the best of us. When your partner slips into an over emotional state of mind, learning not to take what they say too personally can save you a lot of grief.  If you learn to stay calm and not get offended, it will help keep the problem from escalating. Of course, this means keeping your ego in check and focusing on what is good for the relationship. But remember, mastering this life skill means that you choose your response to any situation.

  • Group fetes 250 couples in love fiesta

    Group fetes 250 couples in love fiesta

    AN Ibadan-based non-governmental organisation, The Family Concept (TFC), has concluded plans to host 250 couples in Ibadan on November 29.

    According to the co-host of the one-day seminar, Mrs. Tina Fawole, the event, which will come up at the Civic Centre, Idi Ape, will feature Guest Lecture, Couples’ Roundtable, Hot Seat, Health Talk, Drama,

    Business Talk/Empowerment, Testimonies, as well as Free Medical Test,

    Love Feast and Dance, among others.

    Speakers at the seminar include Pastor and Pastor (Mrs.) Olubunmi Smith of One Heart Ministries, Dr. Bukola Fawole, a consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist with the University College Hospital, Ibadan, as well as popular drama and music ministers, Samuel and Ifeoluwa Durotolu of the Abundant Love and Grace Drama Ministries (ABLOGRAM).

    Fawole said the event, with the theme, “Re-Igniting the Sparks (of Love),” will attract 250 couples (500 participants), consisting of good quality people in the ancient city of Ibadan, the Oyo State capital.

    The Couples Fiesta will feature prominent family and marriage counsellors, as well as health insurance and medical professionals.

    This year’s edition of the Couples’ Fiesta is the fourth edition of the annual celebration of love by the organisation.

    The programme has been designed to help transform married people into being each other’s best friends, true confidants and true lovers. It is also designed to expose them to the abundant areas of financial empowerment which they had not noticed, as a way of making them more financially stable and exposing them to issues of health as they affect the well-being of the family.

  • Teenagers’ unwanted pregnancy nightmare

    Teenagers’ unwanted pregnancy nightmare

    Pregnancy is exciting when it is planned for. Unfortunately, a number of teenage girls do not belong to this category and they go through all kinds of trauma, complications and sometimes death. In this report, Blessing Ochiemen takes a look at the increase in unwanted pregnancy among teenage girls and ways to reduce the trend.

    COVER the years, unintended adolescent pregnancy has posed a public health challenge. At the same time, adolescent girls become pregnant for different reasons. However, an average female teenager, like every other person, wants to go to school, get a job, build a career and, someday, meet her dream man with whom to live a fulfilled life.

    Sadly, many of them get their dreams shattered when suddenly, they find themselves pregnant.

    Pregnant? Sighed a mother, Mrs. Dorcas Richards, who spoke with The Nation on Sunday reporter. Recounting her teenage daughter’s unwanted pregnancy ordeal, she continued: “What we found is that most of these girls get pregnant when they least expect it. And their lives get turned around for the worst. Teenage pregnancy is a significant problem in Nigerian society. What makes things worse is that it has gone a long way in destroying the lives of many young girls in our society. And of the factors we have found to be mainly responsible for the increase in the situation is poverty. Yes, it is mainly associated with increased rate of teenage pregnancy in the country.”

    Mrs. Richards further listed peer pressure, rape, lack of sex education by parents to their children and bad parenting as other causes of teenage pregnancy. “On the part of the girls themselves, many of them display loose behaviour and lack of focus on what they actually need to do and that, in the end, leads them to wrong association or relationships.”

    On bad parenting and lack of sex education, Mrs. Richards said emphatically that it is the responsibility of every mother to bond with her children and give them thorough knowledge on how to comport themselves and to, as well, avoid associating themselves with those that will mislead them in life.

    According to a close-up interaction with a young pregnant girl, she stated clearly that what led to her present condition is as a result of a ‘mistake’ she had with her male partner. She said: “The sexual intercourse I had with my male friend was as a result of ignorance and lack of sex education. If I knew better, I won’t do it.”

    Dr. Princess OlufemiKayode, Executive Director, Media Concern Initiative for Women and Children (MEDIACON), shedding more light on causes of unwanted pregnancy among teenage girls, said that sexual violence and experimentation among teenagers including peer pressure are some of the factors that could lead to an unplanned pregnancy.

    She noted that parents, therefore, need to play their roles effectively because “even when they think they are doing so right and that their children are quite safe in their homes, they must be alert about their children’s affairs as relating to sexual education. This is because sexual education cannot be felt by the children if there is no proper foundation for good communication relationship between the mother and child, because this is what will help to modify their relationship.”

    Speaking further, OlufemiKayode said researches on teenage pregnancy made by medical experts have shown that approximately 500,000 of 15 to 19 year olds become pregnant if they engage in unprotected sexual activity.

    She added that according to researches, during adolescence, teenagers often feel pressured to make friends and fit-in with their peers and many times, let their friends, who also are inexperienced about life, influence their decision to have sex even when they do not fully understand the consequence associated with the act. Adding that teenagers have sex as a way to appear cool and sophisticated, but in some cases the end result is an unplanned teen pregnancy which often leaves them devastated. And teen girls are more likely to get pregnant if they have limited or no guidance from their parents.

    OlufemiKayode said that “Many parents have busy lives that prevent them from providing the guidance and support that their young teenagers need to make good decision on issues such as sex. And when a teen does not feel that she can talk to her parents about sex either because they forbid sex talk or because they are not around, she will more likely turn to friends for direction on whether or not to have sex resulting in misinformation and possible teen pregnancy.”

    Reports also show that in some parts of Sub-Saharan Africa, unwanted or unplanned pregnancies amongst teenagers result in stigma, physical and mental abuse more young girls. Sadly, in some situations, young girls who resort to abortion for their unplanned or unwanted pregnancy, which is illegal and consequently dangerous, end up dying untimely and leaving their own parents in agony.

  • The world is there to conquer

    The world is there to conquer

    Tinuola Thompson Ajayi is a seasoned banker who has worked with a number of financial institutions for over two decades. She is also the national president of the Association of Professional Women Bankers. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about the achievements of women in the banking sector, some of their limitations as well as empowering such women and other women in the society.

    HOW has it been working with women?

    It is exciting because I am a woman and I like to see women grow. I have been mentored when I was growing up in my career and so I want to mentor other people. So far, it has been an exciting experience with those I have worked with.

    How would you describe the impact made by female entrepreneurs in Nigeria?

    They are doing really well and it is important to define who the female entrepreneurs are in this context: any woman that is involved in an economic activity, so long as you are not in paid employment and you are your own CEO and you are the one in charge. That is, notwithstanding the size of the business; it can be small, medium or mega

    What advice do you have for these women?

    I would say that there are always challenges, but if there is a will, there would always be a way. If they are focused, if they believe in themselves, have integrity, and then the world is there to conquer. Even though they have challenges, they would also have equal opportunities if they persevere.

    Why did you opt for a career in banking and how long have you been in the sector?

    I have been in the banking sector for more than 20 years. It has been a wonderful and exciting experience but I must also say that banking is also very challenging too. It is also an opportunity to touch lives because you meet different kinds of people on a daily basis.

    Can you share one or two memorable moments as a banker with us?

    There are so many memorable moments recorded on the job and they actually inspire me to do more. At a programme which I just attended, a woman came to me telling me something I did to her some years back. Interestingly, I didn’t even recognise her and when she told me her story I remembered her case. She had a facility and she asked us to help her, which we did and she paid back at the right time. Then she asked for more funds and we also obliged her. When we then wanted to know what she was doing and we were willing to give her more funds based on her integrity. We have a lot of people like that, whom we have helped and their stories are really motivating in spite of the challenges they face. There are challenges no doubt, but the most important thing is to be dedicated and stand out in whatever you are doing.

    Banking is also one of the careers that have favoured women. What would you say about this?

    From the beginning up till now, women have always been in the majority in any bank, be it financial or commercial bank. My team and I were in one of the mortgage banks recently and because we were females, the CEO brought the female executives and almost all the important departments were headed by females. He said it was a deliberate policy because they were more effective, more productive, very solid and more efficient.

    The former Central Bank Governor, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, gave women in banking a number of opportunities to excel, how would you assess his performance?

    He was also someone who believed in the female gender and he never hid that fact. He gave women and female bankers a number of platforms and opportunities to prove their mettle. One of the opportunities is the fund that we are all referring to today. It is a fund for women with friendly interest rates and all that. In addition, he also said that in banking employment, the board should have more women. I think that the statistics then, about nine positions were occupied by women and he then said that the figure should be raised to about 40 and he actually made it a policy and they would be enforcing it from next year.

    Mentoring is one way of reaching out to other women. How have you been doing this?

    We have a programme that is commensurate with the idea of mentoring and this takes care of women who need support and direction. This programme brought us in contact with Mama COWAN, the late Chief (Mrs.) Bisi Ogunleye, a great mentor. She had the knowledge and she gave a lot of women the opportunity to discover themselves as well as chart a wonderful future for themselves. In our association we take on young bankers, and last Thursday, a fresh set of associates were inducted. They will be assigned to seasoned and more experienced bankers to keep the flag flying.

    Tell us about the targets and beneficiaries of the empowerment projects that you are involved in

    We started the empowerment programme last year and it is in partnership with the Federal University in Akure. Our targets are from secondary to university level. The programme was unveiled by the five chancellors of Nigerian universities. They bought into it and we signed an MOU with them and the CIBN (Chartered Institute of Bankers of Nigeria). It is a national programme and we have consultants for the project. Right now, the focus is in Ondo State and that is why we got Mama COWAN involved. They identified potential and beneficiaries and then put a strategy in place. Some of the legislators in the state are also involved and they help to identify the targets. We also partner with organisations like the Dangote Foundation which give them products which they use to run their businesses and make profits. Some of the facilities they get include processing machines for cassava and other food stuff.

    When would you consider as the turning point in your life?

    The turning point was when I did a project that turned the highest number of people for good. It is an area that I hold dear to my heart. It enlarged my own network of people and it gave me the encouragement that in every area you can succeed. It is not about the fact that you are a female and so you must be inferior and all that.

  • Agree to disagree and move on

    IT was tough getting a boyfriend and later a fiancé because Morenike was deaf and dumb. For a long while, it looked like an impossible mission but somewhere along the line, Mr. Right crossed her path and he turned her life around positively. They got married and their love story sounded like those tales heard of only in romance tales.

    Just when Morenike thought that every fear associated with love and relationship was over, Biodun died. It was a very devastating period for her and she just did not know where to pick up the pieces. After mourning her beloved husband for the specified period, the reality of life dawned on her having been pampered by a man that loved her so much.

    Taking care of the bills and the upkeep of the three children produced by the union also became very tedious and she decided to go to the company her husband worked for to ask for his entitlements. To her utmost surprise, his sister and another woman who ‘claimed’ to be his wife had come earlier on and collected it. Shocked? Yes, she was, but the most painful part of it all was the fact that she did not know if it was her husband who had betrayed her or the family connived to deal with her this way. Could it be that she did not play her role well or was she very slow at interpreting her man’s body language?

    It is therefore important to start by developing more awareness of your own role in your relationship. The crux of the matter is that nobody is perfect and when a difference arises, you must try to become an observer of your thoughts, your emotions, your needs, and your ego.

    One way to develop this life skill is to ask yourself questions like:

    What do I really want at this moment?

    Is what I want coming from my heart or my ego?

    Will getting what I want help our relationship or hurt it?

    Will getting what I want strengthen our relationship or weaken it?

    If I keep insisting, what will that do to the peace of our relationship?

    If you consistently respond to these things in a predictable way, it becomes expected and your partner will develop a programmed response. All too often, that response pattern will trigger another programmed response that leads right into a downward spiral. Instead of letting the conversation slip into a familiar, but nonproductive exchange, it is better to interrupt that pattern by doing something totally unexpected.

    Your gesticulations and emotions also play a great role in all of this. Used correctly, eye contact is one of the most powerful life skills for maintaining peace in your relationship. Arguing can easily escalate to the point where we are willing to sacrifice the peace of our relationship so that we can win the argument. Arguing is not an effective way to communicate your point of view, but it is a good way to sabotage the peace of your relationship. We’ve already established that good communication is one of the most important life skills for any relationship. The lesson here is don’t argue. If you disagree, fine. Just respectfully disagree to agree and move on.

    Sometimes the tension may not be as important as you imagined. It may just be a reflection and all that is needed is a little adjustment here and there. Without realising it, we often project our own internal conflicts into our relationship. How can we tell if this is the case? Symptoms vary, but some clues to watch for include the tendency to jump to conclusions about someone else’s motives or judge them according to our own personal standards. Likewise, if we are overly defensive or assume that someone is attacking us, it would be a good idea to look inwardly for some unresolved emotional conflicts.  By observing our response to others, we can easily expose our own hidden insecurities and other sources of unresolved tension or stress.

    One other thing that we need to do to make our relationship work is to accept positive criticism and look at ways to improve on our personal relationship skills. This way you would be asking yourself pertinent questions and understand how your relationship would benefit if you could understand the ways that your thoughts and actions are being filtered by your partner’s perception. This is one of those life skills that require you to put aside your ego and accept the fact that others rarely see us the way we see ourselves. If you can do that, then start by mirroring your partner’s physiology as close as possible. Stand or sit the way they do, copy their facial expressions and body language, and breathe the way they do.  From this vantage point, attempting to experience the conversation the way they would help you build greater compassion and consideration for their point of view.

    When communicating your points of view, always speak in terms of how something made you feel. Example, “When I didn’t hear from you, it made me feel that I was not important.” Expressing how something made you feel instead of what you think they did wrong, reduces the likelihood of a defensive response. When explaining your feelings, be careful not to make your feelings their responsibility as in “This is how YOU made me feel.” By keeping the conversation neutral and objective you make it easier for your partner to sympathise with your feelings.

  • Developing patience in times of adversity

    Developing patience in times of adversity

    Years back, whenever I heard Chief Ebenezer Obey sing this song sounding melancholic I often wondered what he was going through and what he really meant. But now, I know damn too well. I dare say I now understand life and life not only understands me but salutes me and will always bow to me. All that can only come through having a large dose of patience in our spirit even while fighting our way through the wilderness called life and the wickedness of man. A lot of young girls may not understand the importance of patience now but I’m convinced the wonderful blessed spirit behind this column which in fact has patience as one of its fruits would enable this write up stick in their memory and help them some day.

    Life’s vicissitudes has a way of making us go through so much pain and disappointment which results in humiliation as well. Now, which human being would want to stay a minute longer in a humiliating situation? But then, patience is the only way out, otherwise we may find ourselves in greater trouble. What thrills me about it is the way it just opens our eyes to what we never even expected to know about the situation, how it gives us the ammunition we need to conquer our trouble, how it nurtures our spirit and gives us some joy in spite of the trauma and how it brings about super victory.

    Patience has been described in diverse ways. It is to embrace the right order of time. It is the ability to put our desires on hold for a time. It is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want and we want it now. It is a form of vital silence in times of adversity. Patience means accepting that which cannot be changed and facing it with courage, grace, and faith. It is exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is far more than simply waiting for something to happen; patience requires actively working toward getting out of that wilderness unscathed and thankful for having to be there and not getting discouraged when it seems you are staying too long. Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. It means resisting evil, even when it appears to be a short cut out of your predicament.

    In hard times, it is rather hard to possess. However, the following tips will help you perceive your predicament better and make you exercise some more patience.

    1.    Change your mindset

    In times of trials, our conscious mind is searching for an object or someone to blame for our discomfort, but this only makes matters worse, because it’s like “pouring kerosene on a fire to put it out.” It builds up a conundrum in our souls and this blocks our inner vision to see the golden opportunities we have even in the face of an ugly situation. Interpreting challenging circumstances as novel opportunities doesn’t always come naturally, of course. But with a good dose of patience, you would discover that your current challenge is what you need to attain a great height in life. Remember, nothing good comes easy. More so, the most beautiful things in life sometimes come in very ugly packages. It is left for you to embrace and unwrap!

    2.    Try meditation

    You can’t meditate in the middle of a frustrating situation, usually, but often meditation can help you to learn to find a centre of calm within yourself. Once you learn how to go to this calm place, you can go there when you begin to get frustrated. Meditation can also help you to be in the moment, instead of always wanting to get to the future, or instead of dwelling on the past and getting angry about it. Just be calm and believe this will soon pass.

    3.    Practice delaying gratification

    In times of trials, it is natural for us to welcome whatever we think can get us out of the situation or at least give us some relief. A lot of times it turns out not to be the best option. It may deny us that golden opportunity inherent in our travails such as having the very best we are naturally entitled to, learning from mistakes or growing up in “life.” If we don’t learn from our mistakes, they are bound to hunt us over and over again. Also, when life throws us wicked punches, I believe it just teaches us fighting skills to conquer it such that we are ever ready to deal with ugly situations and make a gold mine out of it.

    Rather than burn in pain and wallow in self-pity, why don’t you submerge your soul in thinking of the good reward that lies ahead? The more you believe in the rewards that are waiting for you, the easier it becomes to have patience. If it were not for the anticipation of the rewards, no goals or objectives pertaining to this life would have been achieved. Human nature loves instant gratification, but reason and maturity make us think of the long term outcome, which helps to strengthen our patience in enduring whatever faces us, whether there is no choice or otherwise; with patience you can navigate the volatile storms of life. For someone who has patiently endured a lot of hardship, who life has been cruel to, your super glorification will appear this week and the world will learn from your story in Jesus name. AMEN!

  • A keeper for the long haul

    YOU probably have a pretty good idea of the kind of person you like or want to be attracted to. That explains what we all look out for when we finally get a steady connection. Naturally, the emotional fish in our love net must have similar interest and the physical attraction must be there to balance the emotional equation.

    HOWEVER, there are times when you meet someone you fell for at first sight and thought that this was going to be the typical fairy tale affairs. But a few months down the line, you find a different picture entirely. At that point, it becomes tales of disappointment and frustration galore.

    Somehow, you just wish that you did not fall so deep into this murky emotional waters. If only you had worn the right spectacle to discern the character before it became so late! Now that emotional day is over, you just do not know how to forge ahead with this mischievous love cat, the cat that obviously has nine lives.

    This naturally brings us to some important questions like what exactly makes a person an ideal life partner? How do you know if the person sitting across from you on that special date can create with you the kind of relationship that you crave for?

    The crux of the matter is that you must move along the emotional corridor with someone you trust, someone you would be able to lean on during the good and bad times. It must also be someone who would always resolve to help you with the challenges any couple is likely to face as the relationship progresses.

    Women who soil their fragile fingers in matters of the heart usually get burnt because it is very rare to find a man with a forgiving heart when it comes to the subject of infidelity. Only a few would resort to the go-and-sin-no more option because the society’s belief that what-a-man-can do-a-woman-can-do better phrase can never work in this scenario.

    There is usually no smoke without an emotional fire somewhere. The truth of the matter is that there are some hidden actions, whether deliberate or not, that lead to other issues. It is therefore very important to study your emotional subject very well and takes the right steps to ensure that things work out perfectly.

    For instance, if it is a greedy personality, it is likely that such a person would be blackmailed for different reasons .On the other hand, if our candidate is a womanizer, the type who is fond of using and dumping, then you can be sure that the bunch of frustrated women can align together and work towards his ultimate fall.

    And if the victim is very intelligent, then he or she would look for ways to right this sin as soon as possible. On the other hand, if the sinner is not smart and intelligent, then you can be sure that the person would go down while the enemies on the other side of the emotional fence would be filled with laughter, chanting songs of congratulations for a job well done.

    For a lot of us, the best way to play the game is to be a balanced person. Play the game with the riles in mind, always strive to work towards being a cheerful giver as well as a jolly good emotional fellow. In addition to all of these, it is also wise to keep an emotional joker under wraps, it would come handy when the chips are down and you discover that your emotional fish is not exactly what you think it is. Unfortunately, many get stuck at this point because they never imagine that the heart that they so desperately crave for is filled with emotional thorns, needles and nails of affection. These ultimate discoveries can be very disturbing, nightmarish and oftentimes lead to depression and great frustration.