The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • You don’t need a pity party

    ON a daily basis people run into hearts that they fall in love with. Yet, you find a number of people who appear to be at the crossroads over this emotional matter. So how do you go about falling in love? you ask. That’s hard to say because people find love in different ways and there is no hard or fast rule to follow. However, there are some things you can do to let yourself open up to all the possibilities love has to offer.

    The first key to falling in love is finding someone to fall in love with. The person you love will most likely be your best friend or someone that you have known for a while. Even though some experience “love at first sight”, and it sounds romantic, the truth of the matter is that it isn’t very smart.

    The use of the term “fall” implies that the process is in some way inevitable, uncontrollable, risky, irreversible, and that it puts the lover in a state of vulnerability. This you would find in the love story between Ayomide and Mojisola.

    By the second date with Mojisola, things were going really well. First, they had a lunch date in a restaurant and it was great fun. This second outing was at the beach and like two love birds who had known themselves for eternity they were laughing and having a great conversation.

    Surprisingly, they shared a lot of things in common. For Mojisola, it was too good to be real and for a while the prospects were almost scary. Could this really be a union made in heaven?

    “I noticed that we had this intense “chemistry” between us and we were almost inseparable.” At this point, it looked like there was no stopping them.

    Happily, she started thinking of places they would go to in future and was so certain that this was the beginning of something meaningful with this guy. They departed and she was lost on the Love Island for days, dreaming and daydreaming about this Romeo.

    But somehow Ayomide did not bother to call her. Could she have done something wrong? Maybe he just needed space to think clearly. Two, three days go by after the date, and she just didn’t hear from him. Then a week, then two weeks.

    Mojisola then summoned the courage to send him a message, “What’s up sweetheart? Haven’t heard from you? Hope all is well?” Still no response and she never heard from him again.

    Confused and heartbroken, she later discovered that Ayomide was just playing around. During that same period, he was busy dating another woman.

    Well, that is just one out of many relationships. The emotional pendulum can swing in any direction and you don’t need to bother yourself about where it is swinging to at the initial stage. All you need to do is to play your part and see how it goes.

    Of course, almost everyone loves to have a happy ending but there are times that you just cannot help the turn of events. So if you have been in bad relationship(s) it does not mean the end of the world. You can still make it if you try. You may even discover a better experience after a nasty encounter and so it is better not to give up on love.

    So what makes the difference? you ask. Personally, I would say that it’s about your attitude. When you know how to relate with your partner very well, then you would be able to make use of the magic attitude. This way you would be able to get the love of your life to reveal a lot more than he or she would ever reveal without prompting.

    That is not the only benefit from the arrangement. As a matter of fact, the other person is going to feel more “connected” with you and would surely be ever ready to tell you everything. In this scenario you can be sure that this person will feel more attracted to you because he’ll feel more understood and appreciated by you.

    Like the foundation of a building, it is very important to pay attention to the building blocks of your relationship. Ask the right questions at the beginning and be sure that it is the kind of emotional structure that you really want to build on. So if you are single and dating you need to look out for certain attribute and work along carefully to make it a success.

    Even when you have ascertained that you like what you see, believe that you can make it together, you still have to have the right attitude. Talking about attitude, you must be ready to make a lot of sacrifices as well as be ready to understand the other person as you go though the different phases of the relationship.

    A number of experts also inform that this mindset or attitude can actually help you qualify the right man and avoid Mr. Wrong as early in the dating process as possible.

    Also if you’re already in an existing relationship, it can help you get to the bottom of what he’s thinking and feeling, so you can know why he’s withdrawing, if he’s open to taking things to the “next level,” or what’s holding him back from fully committing to you.

  • Bouquets for Adam and St (eve)

    ADAM and Eve according to the Abrahamic religions were the first man and woman. Here we are told that all humans descended from Adam and Eve. In the Book of Genesis, chapter one through five, there are two creation narratives with two distinct perspectives on woman. In the first, Adam and Eve were created together in God’s image and jointly given instructions to multiply and to be stewards over everything else that God had made.

    In the second narrative, which is much more detailed, God fashions Adam from dust and places him in the Garden of Eden where he is to have dominion over the plants and animals. God places a tree in the garden which he prohibits Adam from eating. Eve is later created to be Adam’s companion.

    During the week, two men were celebrated as France’s same-sex married couple. Vincent Autin and Bruno Boileau went to town to talk about their love story. The pair exchanged vows at a ceremony in the Town Hall in the southern city of Montpellier in front of hundreds of specially invited guests as well as world media.

    Interestingly, the event came a few days after the controversial same-sex bill was signed into law. The mayor of Montpellier, Hélène Mandroux, officiated in what was dubbed as the marriage of the century.

    The big question, however, is if these lovebirds would be able to sleep on their honeymoon bed with both eyes closed. Well from the signs here, it may be Herculean. There was a tight security presence inside the Town Hall and on the streets outside, after fierce opponents, involved in recent violence protests against gay marriage, could target the event.

    The couple, Autin, 40, and Boileau, 30, had to be escorted by the police from their hotel into the Town Hall where they were greeted by well wishers but were also jeered by some opponents of same-sex unions.

    For many year and centuries the old arrangement (male and female) was adhered to. Unfortunately, we have a number of emotional rebels around and they have redesigned the love idea to involve ‘two dry bones’ mingling together?

    Benefits? Well, yours truly cannot really see one; it takes a participant observer to confirm the benefits. But from a distance, you could almost say that it’s likely to be borne out of frustration, rebellion and the dire need to prove to the rest of us that one group can do without the other. Kissing with kissers that are dry and unattractive. Nobody is blushing in the arrangement and nothing soft to touch.

    For many, there is indeed a moral question hanging in the balance. It actually goes further down the emotional lane with no clues on how they are going to dot their emotional i’s as well as cross the t’s.

    Oh dear! What is also going to happen to the injunction to go into the world and multiply? Won’t the humans go into extinction if everybody decides to toe this line? Or could this be their way of phasing the next and subsequent generations out. Questions and more questions.

    The bottom line, however, is that it is a matter of choice. Is the marriage institution on the verge of collapse? No, it isn’t. People are just reorganising their emotional scale of preference and putting things of value in boxes. The truth, therefore, is that some trends and fads are likely to fade out.

    Once you find the bone of your bones, marriage experts say it’s good for your health. Married people live longer, enjoy a more satisfying sex life, experience less stress, live a healthier lifestyle, and have lower rates of heart diseases, diabetes and depression compared to their single counterparts.

    Revelations explain that a man’s sex life is likely to improve more than a woman’s after getting married, for instance, while a woman’s risk for depression tends to decrease more than her partner’s when she’s in a long-term relationship.

    Women and men can reap some health benefits just by living together, or even by being in a stable long-term relationship, research suggests. Experts believe that same-sex couples, many of whom don’t even have the option to get married, also score health gains, though almost all research so far has focused only on heterosexual relationships.

    Research has also gone to prove that marriage offers the ultimate health benefit: a longer life. Compared to their unwed counterparts, married people have longer average life spans and are drastically less likely to die at an early age. The link between marriage and longevity is much stronger among husbands than wives, however.

    Although people love to complain that their significant others are driving them crazy, companionship actually tends to be good for mental health especially for women. This is particularly true when it comes to depression, which is roughly twice as common in women.

    They also argue that being in a solid relationship actually tends to be good for your sex life (at least for the first decade or two). Married and cohabiting couples both have more sex than people who are single or dating, and married people in particular report more satisfying sex lives than their counterparts who are dating or shacking up.

  • ‘I’m not afraid of politics’

    ‘I’m not afraid of politics’

    Rinsola Abiola is one of the daughters of the acclaimed winner of June 12 I993 presidential election, the late Chief MKO Abiola. The energetic lady is also the interim Public Relations Officer of the All Progressive Youths Forum (APYF). In a chat with ADETUTU AUDU, she disclosed that unless qualified youths take up the challenge, the country will continue to be represented by those who have absolutely no idea of what leadership entails.

     

    COULD you kindly brief us about the All Progressive Youths Forum?

    Basically, what we are is a group of youths belonging to the parties which make up the merger. Our structure consists of the Central

    Networking Committee, Zonal Support Groups, State Caucuses, and Local Mobilisers.

    What sets the APYF apart from every other youth groups out there?

    The one thing that makes us unique is the passion and the drive to not just complain about how things are, but to actually get involved in the process and do what really needs to be done to restore sanity to our society. We at the APYF realise that this democracy must be sustained in order for young people like us to have a chance at occupying leadership positions in future, and that if we continue to avoid politics, then that chance may never come. What makes us unique is the will and ardent desire to establish democracy as a system, and not just something that has to do with only elections and nothing more.

    Is your group an open one? Would it be easy for youths to join even if they do not currently belong to any of the merging parties?

    Yes, the APYF is indeed a very open group. Youths who are interested in being a part of this movement may do so by liaising with state coordinators. They could also engage us directly via social media platforms.

    What are you doing apart from the APC Youth Wing?

    I’m into media consultancy and event packaging. I am also what I like to call a social worker. I deal mainly with teens and counsel them on issues pertaining to skill acquisition, sexuality, and social vice.

    Are you not scared of politics, considering what your late father went through?

    The Prophet Muhammad, may peace be upon him, said that if the whole world should come together to harm you, they can’t do that except that which has already been ordained for you. Same as if they come together to help you.

    I don’t see politics as something to be scared of, and I don’t think dad’s experience should deter me from politics. I see his life as a big lesson – a source of inspiration, and something I should learn from. Fear, as far as I’m concerned, is not something that any child born of such a great, courageous man should entertain. And fear is not an emotion that a believer should even remotely feel, except when one thinks of the greatness of God.

    Also, as a Muslim, I believe that whatever he went through was pre-ordained by God, so why stay away from politics due to fear of a destiny that is beyond my control?

    Ultimately, God decides what the end of this road is going to be like, so whether or not I shy away from politics, what will be will be.

    What inspires your interest in politics?

    I’ve been a social worker for long enough to know that occupying a position in government still remains one of the most effective ways of bringing about positive change. There’s a lot that being empowered by the constitution can help one achieve. I do not like the idea of sitting at home, or tweeting about how inept a particular politician is, or complaining about how things are, but not being willing to get involved in the process. It is through democracy that I and others like me can become leaders tomorrow, and it is therefore a duty inherent upon each and every one of us to do all that we can to sustain it. You don’t have to like politics, but you do have to acknowledge that it is a vehicle through which those solutions and bright ideas that you have can be used to better the lives of more people than you could ever reach through individual effort or even an NGO. Also, unless qualified youths take up the challenge, we will all

    continue to be represented by those who have absolutely no idea of what leadership entails.

    In what way has being MKO’s daughter affected you?

    Well, firstly, his story is reason enough for me to strive hard in order to make something good of myself. My father was from a poor home, yet he worked hard and succeeded. My upbringing, compared to his, was very privileged; so if someone from such a humble background could gain global recognition, what excuse could I possibly have not to be successful too? Also, I meet very many people who benefitted from his philanthropy in one way or the other, and they’re usually very nice to me.

    I feel overwhelmed, really, that he touched so many lives. He was rich, he had the wives, the children, he had basically escaped poverty and could have chosen not to care about others, but he did care. He dedicated his time to helping others escape poverty too.

    The negative aspect would be the erroneous opinion that some might hold – people tend to assume that I have a huge stash of hard currency somewhere, and that is not true. I work hard like every other young Nigerian out there.

    How do you go about your programme on teens?

    I don’t have a rigid schedule; I could encounter a group of teens, or even just one somewhere and we could begin a discussion. I’ve also visited a couple of schools. What we do is to enlighten them, and encourage them to learn skills. The enlightenment could be about religion, other cultures, sexuality and the benefits of abstaining, and of course skill acquisition. We also talk to them about Nigerians – and other famous people – who made it through honest labour, and share stories of wealthy people from especially disadvantaged backgrounds who grew to become successful. We urge them to remain steadfast and hold on to education because it is extremely important in the fight against poverty.

    You studied statistics; how come you’re a media consultant, and have you abandoned statistics?

    You know, I think this is a rather common phenomenon in Nigeria – where we study one course and end up making a career in another. I’ll be honest with you – initially, I had dreams of becoming a math professor. I got into the university, was offered statistics, and along the line, I just got frustrated with the system. This was a school where a bad lecturer was one who permitted too many students to pass. This was a school where a lecturer took great joy in seeing students come back year after year, and even having an extra year or two.

    This was a system where everything seemed needlessly complicated and protracted. As God would have it, I had my IT at a magazine in Ibadan, and although I was in the accounts department, I wrote from time to time. The editor took interest in me, and told me that I had even more talent than many people in his employ. He began to send me to cover events and write more stories, then to edit in his absence, or proofread on the occasions that he did the editing. He mentored me, taught me the basics, and even now, he still lends his help when I need it. That was how my foray into the media world started, and so far, so good. No, I haven’t abandoned statistics because I believe that no knowledge is wasted. Statistics is an especially important field of study because of its universal appeal.

    Did you choose not to work for anybody?

    I don’t have a boss, if that’s what you’re asking, but I do render services. So, yes, I work for my clients from time to time. I like what I do because it gives me the freedom to engage in other activities.

    What is your academic background.

    I have a BSc. in Statistics from the Federal University of Agriculture, Abeokuta. I’m currently working on a degree in Islamic Studies, and another in Mass Communication.

  • We must be adventurous and creative

    THE cool ambience of the Golden Gate Restaurant, Ikoyi, did well in setting guests at ease at an event that was to become an expose of knowledge and celebration of women who have displayed extraordinary courage in the Nigerian society. The occasion was the launching of the Women of Substance Magazine by Ms. Ify Onyegbule, a broadcaster-turned-women’s rights advocate. On-air personality, Cordelia Okpei, hosted the event to the delight of all.

    Veteran broadcaster, Mrs. Bimbo Oloyede, who gave the key note address, took the audience on a voyage of discovery when she gave an insightful lecture on “Mentoring and Nurturing: a path to positive development”. In her address, she corrected the impression of many who tend to associate the word mentor and role model to mean the same thing. “A mentor is an experienced person who advises a less experienced person, while a role model is someone one admires even though one may not have had personal contact with them,” she said. Describing mentorship as a huge responsibility, she advised that mentors must create opportunities for protégées to connect with them. This they can do by creating specific opportunities that would help nurture them. She quoted the words of Mark Twain; “to get the full value of joy, you must have someone to share it with,” to illustrate her points.

    For the protégées, they also must recognise that mentorship is not a right but a service, hence the need to appreciate the opportunity by being submissive and understanding. She also advised that protégées should be adventurous and creative. “All the advice in the world would not take you anywhere if you are not a risk taker, she stressed.” She urged protégées to be available on demand and also take to criticism.

    Other guests who graced the event included Chief Mrs. Opral Mason Benson, former Lagos State deputy governor, Princess Sarah Sosan, who was represented by Dr. (Mrs.) Ayo Sobowale from LASU, Dr Quincy Ayodele of Quincy Herbal Slimmers, Dr Joe Okei-Odumakin, founder of Women Arise, Mrs. Yemisi Ransome-Kuti, Mrs. Betty Ubeku, Regional Chair, West Africa Women Association(WAWA), and Mrs Toyin Onanuga who represented the deputy governor of Lagos State, Mrs. Adejoke Orelope-Adefulire, Dr Samuel Pimpim, a Ghanaian-American who is into youth advocacy, and a host of other personalities.

    The event which also coincided with the 40th birthday of the convener, Ms. Onyegbule also featured a presentation of awards to deserving individuals such as Dr Joe Okei-Odumakin, a recent recipient of the International Women of Courage award. Others who also received awards were Dr. Keziah Awosika and Oluwatoyin Adesola, a sickle cell victim who also runs an NGO.

    The highlight of the event was the launching and public presentation of the Women of Substance Magazine, which according to the editor, Ms Onyegbule, came to be as a result of her adventure with risk-taking. She further added that her experience with the Women of Substance TV programme which ran for over three years on TV Continental has reinforced in her the need to go the extra mile to get extra ordinary results. The vision of the magazine, she said, is to celebrate women achievers and also raise a generation of women who are goal-oriented and also create a society where women are bold enough to come out and contest elections and not just get compensated with political appointments.

  • Crying in the rain

    ONE way to discover and rediscover yourself is by learning from others. Everybody certainly has a love story to tell you and you can be sure that no two stories can ever be the same. You can also learn from others by reading love stories or watching such movies at home or the cinemas. Lovebirds love to dine out and watch movies and this certainly is one of the best places to learn and appreciate those you fall in love with, what goes on in their hearts as well as how to live happily together forever.

    For many, this certainly looks like a dream. That was what yours truly discovered at a cinema lately. Lots of lonely buddies and happy folks are literarily crying in the rain. In this kind of scenario, nobody is likely to see your tears because the raindrops would be stronger than your teardrops. The only difference, however, is that you are going to purge yourself from the bitter memories, the uncertainty and the frustrations of running after an elusive heart.

    Interestingly, yours truly discovered this phrase from the movie ‘Journey to self’ written by Ashionye and produced by Fressia Entertainment during the week.

    Would it be interesting to watch? You also wonder if it was going to bring fresh revelations to an old-timer like yours truly. Doubting Thomas? No need for that. The best way to tap from your environment is to have an open mind, this way you can get water out of any stone.

    So, yours truly got set and it was time to learn from five yawning hearts, hearts that either fell in love or allowed love to get the better of their lives at some point. It was the story of five friends who went through different emotional phases to rediscover themselves. Unfortunately, the fifth lady (Uche) did not have the opportunity to get a second chance on the affectionate timetable. She committed suicide when she discovered that she meant nothing to the man she was married to. Instead of being loved, she was a mere property whose worth had been reduced to nothing when she could not bear children.

    In the movie, you follow the story of five childhood friends, Regina, Nse, Rume, Alex and Uche, who was a victim sacrificed on the altar of love. Interestingly, she was the one who pulled her friends together over the years with a seemingly happy disposition. She gave others a shoulder to cry on while she bottled up all the tears in heart. Sadly, she left with a series of letters, letters which later provoked her friends to open up on secrets that had become almost ‘stale’.

    Luckily, it made them do the things they feared to do and it ushered them into another interesting phase in their lives. Alex threw away her toy boy and got a real man. Nse got the courage to tell her husband about a baby she had way back in school and to her surprise he forgave and accepted her. Regina opted for divorce while Rume’s relationship had also broken and could not be mended.

    As they poured their hearts out, it brought vivid images of the deception, blackmail and bitterness from people they loved or thought loved them. It made you laugh and cry a little. The things women go through all for love! Can they really do without the heartaches which have actually become part and parcel of almost every relationship?

    Humour from Rume and good production made it a delight. It also brought to the fore issues about women and relationships as well as how to find a way out of the emotional woods if you ever get to this point. It featured Nse Ikpe Etim, Dakore Akande , Tosin Sido, Katherine Obiang and the writer of the script, Ashionye Michelle Raccah.In it you find tips on how to make good use of friendship as well as how to be a friend indeed. Lies, secrets and self discovery are the other things that you discover as you allow your mind to explore the many possibilities encountered in the love arena.

    It is only natural to want to keep and treasure something that good. If you are lucky to have a very special connection, then you would do everything to make it last. And because it’s so good, you start to think that maybe you’ve finally found your Mr. Right. It is at this point that you find a lot of ladies getting anxious about something going wrong, or about him suddenly “changing his mind” about her. Unfortunately, this is precisely the moment where a lot of women make a lot of mistakes. You can and should communicate what you want to a man and set certain standards.

    But you have to do it from the beginning… not keep things bottled up, “hoping” he’s thinking and intending the same things from the relationship that you are, and then feel upset and confused when months later you find out that he doesn’t. If you let a man know what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship early on, then he won’t feel cornered or “hassled.” He’s going to suddenly be wildly open, affectionate and want more with you. Don’t let it scare you when you see such a big sudden shift.

  • ‘Burning desire for mentoring drives me’

    ‘Burning desire for mentoring drives me’

    It’s Children’s Day tomorrow and a number of people have sown seeds to make the day memorable. One of such people is Femi George who has been reaching out to children and young people with a passion called Egbon Aburo. Yetunde Oladeinde spoke with the lady who holds a bachelor’s degree in Accounting Finance and Economics from the University of Kent, Canterbury England.

     

    THE mother of two wonderful boys has over 15 years’ experience, starting with a career in the oil sector in the United Kingdom before relocating to work in KPMG, Washington as an auditor. The amiable lady moved back to Nigeria about ten years ago and she has worked in a couple of multinationals and had a career in finance in organisations that include Dangote Industries.

    What inspired you to go into this?

    I have always warmed to people in need and speaking to a friend I made in my son’s school would share frustrations and plans, only to discover she had a similar desire to help young boys and girls. As we discussed the essence of what we wanted to achieve, I remember saying younger/older and she blurted out Egbon Aburo

    When did it all begin?

    Egbon Aburo was started in 2011. It was borne out of a burning desire to mentor and assist younger boys and girls in our society based on the positive influences received growing up from our older siblings, aunties, uncles and their network of friends.

    The name Egbon Aburo is a Yoruba word meaning older sibling younger sibling. We chose this name as it embodies what we are hoping to achieve with our organisation, which is the older generation reaching out to the younger generation. Our belief is that as a society, if we imbibe this attitude we can truly make a positive impact on the younger generation and leading to a brighter future as a nation.

    We are a group of individuals whose aims and objectives are to inspire, motivate and steer young boys and girls in secondary school education to be the best they can be. We have chosen the secondary schools as our primary focus. This is because we believe our formative years happen during this stage and if we can catch them young then we are much more likely to succeed in equipping our younger ones for the future.

    In any society, education is key to empowerment. A society that does not educate its young ones is in effect storing up problems for the future. Once upon a time in Nigeria, access to good education for all was more or less guaranteed and the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child” was enshrined in our parents. Today, access to good education is losing their moral values and is generally disillusioned about the future.

    How do you help to transform lives?

    We aim to identify schools that have a positive outlook and support them in selected areas of development of the school like the library, ICT department and laboratories. We go to our adopted schools periodically to speak to the students and encourage them in identified areas of weaknesses that we perhaps see in the students.

    These include weak presentation skills, personal hygiene and low moral values. In addition, we also introduce reward systems so that each student can strive to be the best they can be as well as encourage and recognise their hard work and personal effort. The organisation also targets and supports vulnerable and struggling students that are in need of financial aid.

    Let’s talk about some of the cases you have handled?

    In October 2011, we visited and adopted Ijero Girls High School, Ebutemetta, Lagos. Here we were shown the school library which was yet to be utilised, as there were no books in the library. We decided at the time to equip the library for the girls. A book drive was organised and successfully received 300 books in donations. We presented over 200 books to the school on February 15th 2012.

    We supported their 2012 sports day and also presented identified students and class prefects with prizes for academic and non-academic excellence during the school year. We were pleased to see when we went back for a visit in June that the library was up and running and the kids were actively borrowing books and hopefully discovering the love of reading.

    Next we went to Lanre Awolokun Senior Secondary School, Gbagadam, where we donated book to their library. We also offered financial aid to four students identified to be in need of financial support, including a student with a medical condition, whom we continue to support. We also went to Igbobi Junior Secondary School. Our first visit to the school was in October 2012. Prior to our visit to the school we made contact with the vice principal for academics to give us the names of students that had excelled at their end of year exams in July 2012.

    We then used the opportunity during our visit to reward these students and gave them encouragement for the new academic year. In all, 12 awards were handed out for both academic- and non-academic-related performances. Financial aid was also given to four students identified by the school counsellor to be in need of basic necessities. This year, we supported Igbobi Junior Secondary School. The latest addition is Ogudu Grammar School annual prize giving, where we gave out gifts, cash award as well as treats to teachers and students.

    What are some of the challenges that you have encountered?

    Well, I would say that the first challenge is in identifying schools to partner with. Secondly, it is also tough meeting the needs of the schools and students with very limited resources. We also try to find creative non financial ways to meet the needs of the schools, book drives as well as getting volunteers to commit to scheduled activities like mentoring talks.

    What are some of the achievements recorded?

    We have given financial aid to over 5 students, donated over 300 books to school libraries, equipped a sick bay and encouraged over 100 students in sports and academic achievements with prizes and cash gifts.

    How can mentoring help to develop the individual?

    I believe in mentoring, and our primary focus is to give talks and encourage boys and girls in secondary education within our community. Everyone needs guidance, encouragement, appreciation and love and we hope that every time we meet with any student, either individually or collectively as a class or school, we positively impact their lives.

    Many people have played a positive role in my life and interestingly enough, I have met a lot more egbons in my adult life that continue to play a very pivotal role in my social, spiritual and work life.

    Who are your targets?

    Other achievements have been reaching out to people in hospitals and also getting more involved in church. Our targets are young boys and girls in secondary education as well as secondary schools in need of amenities. When I am not doing all of this, I look after my young boys or get involved with church activities.

    Can you tell us about the women you admire?

    I admire the strong women in my life, my mum, mother-in-law, my sister, Mother Theresa, Hillary Clinton.

    Who is the greatest person in your life?

    One of the greatest influences has been my dad who is the most generous person I know and my husband who is the kindest.

    If you had to advise young women, what would you tell them?

    The advice I would give to young women would be to always believe in themselves, work hard and aim for the heavens.

    Imagine that you were the President of Nigeria for one week, what would you like to change?

    As the President for a week, I will encourage any child of school age to be in school and introduce free meals. I will also cut all public spending and plough funds into education and healthcare.

    How do you spend your leisure?

    I enjoy boat rides and reading.

  • Calcium cuts death risk in women

    GETTING more calcium, either from dietary sources or supplements, reduced women’s risk of death in women during the study period, Canadian researchers found.

    In a prospective study, higher total calcium intake was associated with a slightly decreased risk of death that was of borderline significance, but supplementation was significantly associated with reduced mortality risk over a 10-year period (HR 0.78, 95% CI 0.66-0.92), David Goltzman, MD, of Royal Victoria Hospital in Montreal, and colleagues reported online in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism.

    There was no relationship, however, between vitamin D intake and mortality among women.

    “Higher amounts of calcium were potentially linked to longer lifespans in women, regardless of the source of the calcium,” Goltzman said in a statement. “That is, the same benefits were seen when the calcium came from dairy foods, nondairy foods, or supplements.”

    With regard to supplements, Goltzman noted that the benefit was “seen for women who took doses of up to 1,000 mg per day, regardless of whether the supplement contained vitamin D.”

    Calcium and vitamin D are strongly recommended by clinicians for several indications, particularly bone health, but the full risks and benefits of these nutrients are unclear. Some studies have shown that calcium may be cardio-protective, while others have shown an increased heart risk with the mineral, and both high and low serum vitamin D have been associated with increased mortality.

    To clarify the association between total calcium and vitamin D intake and mortality, the researchers conducted the longitudinal Canadian Multicenter Osteoporosis Study (CaMos) from 1995 to 2007. They assessed a total of 9,033 patients who had full data on calcium and vitamin D intake.

    Overall, 7.3% of men in the study were using calcium supplements alone, 4.4% were using vitamin D supplements alone, and 15.4% were taking both together. For women, 15.2% were using calcium supplements alone, 3.7% were using vitamin D supplements alone, and 29% were using both together.

    There were 1,160 deaths over the course of the study.

    Overall, there was no clear relationship between calcium intake and mortality for men and women, the researchers reported.

    However, they found a possible benefit for higher total calcium intake in women, although it was of borderline significance (HR 0.95, 95% CI 0.89-.01).

    Women did, however, have a significantly lower risk of death specifically with use of calcium supplements compared with women who didn’t take them (HR 0.78, 95% CI 0.66-0.92).There was no dose-response, however, and the association was eventually attenuated as the dosage increased, with lower mortality only for supplement users with a daily dose of less than 1,000 mg.

    There were no definitive associations between calcium intake and mortality for men, and overall associations between vitamin D intake and mortality were inconclusive for both men and women.

    “Our analysis showed that total calcium intake among women was more likely to be beneficial than harmful, and that the same was true of calcium intake from dairy sources, nondairy sources, and supplements,” they wrote.

    Mechanisms for the protective association in women could include the fact that calcium is associated with a better lipid profile and a lower risk of hypertension. Supplemental calcium also protects against potential adverse effects of low calcium intake such as hyperparathyroidism, high serum parathyroid hormone, accelerated bone turnover and bone loss, and cardiovascular effects.

    The researchers cautioned that the study was limited by a low response rate, which could result in selection bias. Also, cohort size and mortality rates may have limited the ability to detect significant relationships between calcium or vitamin D intake and death.

    Still, they recommended that clinicians “assess dietary intake to meet calcium and vitamin D requirements for bone health and to consider supplementation as necessary to meet the requirements.”

  • Internet addiction, a mental health condition

    Internet addiction, a mental health condition

    Helen Obiageli Oshikoya read Law, Politics and Economics at St Mary’s Hall in Oxford. She came back to Nigeria and did Law conversion, LLB at the Lagos State University (LASU) and worked with Mobil and Bristol Helicopters before going into mental health and psycho educational learning. Yetunde Oladeinde speaks with Oshikoya, who is the initiator of Nobelova Gradiani, about her passion and more.

     

    WHY did you opt for Law?

    I read Law because I wanted to please my parents. I wanted to be a teacher, an actress or anything that would let me express myself and have people around me. I was the only child for about 7 years. There was a time that I used to buy friends; I did everything possible just to have friends. At the end of the day, I realised that this was not what I needed.

    Tell us about your parents and how they influenced your life?

    My father, Col. P.A Aniekwe, went to Sandhurst. He was in the Biafran army and he later joined the Nigerian army after the civil war. My mother is half Irish (mum) while her father is from the ruling family of the Obong of Calabar. She worked with the Ministry of Agriculture where she was in control of the presidential livestock. She has retired now but she still does things in this area.

    Which was your first job?

    I went to work in Mobil and I was in the legal department for about 18 months. From there I went to Bristol helicopters in the United States where my step father is the chairman. I later did my masters in social science specialising in core social science subject which is a Child Development Mental Healthcare, Juvenile Delinquency, Probational Services, Educational Learning Assessment in the Open University, Milton Keys in the United Kingdom and I graduated in 2005.

    I am a member of the Nigerian Psychological Association, British Psychological Society and the American Psychological Association and certified to perform both clinical and educational assessments. I have provided hospitals, schools and establishments with the best in developmental, educational and psychometric tests; also provided interventions and workforce engage programmes that really work.

    At what point did you go into psycho-educational services?

    It started off as a tutorial service thing called SIM (Success is Mind). What I had in mind was to help children overcome challenges in learning. After a while, I noted that there was no amount of techniques that could help, they weren’t helped developmentally. So I plotted a team that would watch children from the hospital up to the end of their education.

    Basically track them developmentally and surveying the child. What happened was that I needed to construct a team. So I looked at the system and the way it was done in the UK. From the pediatrician to a development therapist like myself. If there is a challenge with development, then a psychiatrist is required but if it’s educational then it is a therapist.

    So I sourced around for the best in those areas and pulled them together. I first went into a partnership called Success is Mind (SIM) psycho-educational services. Along the line, the vision became more diversified and I created another called Nobelova Gradani that has more areas. Here I pulled expertise from the United Kingdom and America.

    What was the focus here?

    We actually focused on three needs in the society and the first is development surveillance. This is the process where we check children in hospitals to see that children are developing well, through developmental screening to check development delays and disorders. The most severe case is the autism stage. Autism is a group of development brain disorders collectively called autism spectrum disorders.

    There are five of them and they are termed pervasive disorders. These include classified Autism, Aserger, Pervasive Developmental Disorder PDNO, Retts Disorder and the Childhood Disintegrative Disorder. It depends on which area the child falls on. Initially, they start off as a delay and it takes a while before the child is declared Autistic.

    What’s the difference between Autism and Cerebral Palsy?

    Cerebral palsy arises as a result of some brain trauma either during pregnancy or after the child has been born. It results in the way that some parts of the body are not coordinating well. The child has learning disability or inability to speak too.

    So what are some of the challenges you face doing this?

    The challenges I face include awareness about the screening and a lot of parents have not been told the dangers of not screening their children. Five in every 100 kids are on the Autism spectrum and the numbers are increasing. The attitude here is if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. We are not into preventive but we need to reduce the impact of the outcome. It’s a lifelong thing and it renders the child to be totally dependent on others. There is also the ignorance between mental health and mental illness.

    Do you restrict your coverage to children?

    We extend beyond children and we graduate to schools where we have school health units. We make sure that the children are healthy. Unfortunately, many think that because a child does not have physical impairment, then he is okay. For instance, a child that has autism may not look it but the child is not well enough for learning.

    The UBE initiative of 2004 says that every child has the right to health in spite of the child’s health. We do eye, ear, scoliosis, dental and screening for learning disabilities. We also moved in from psychological well being to mental health that includes adolescents and adults.

    We have a lot of traffic here; a lot of adolescents and adults who have mid-life crisis, matrimonial issues, suppressed memories of sexual abuse and domestic violence. There are some conditions that need treatment, going to church alone can’t do it. For Autism, there are some supervised medications that must be taken. Parents should stop seeking counselling from people who are not qualified.

    Can you tell us about one or two cases that you handled?

    There was an instance of a child who could not talk properly and it was misdiagnosed as autism. We did screening and discovered that he had a speech and language disorder. Interventions were put into place and today he can talk. I also worked with a child who had Down syndrome and it was so profound that she was not meant to walk till she was 10 years old. She was about three years at that point and after working with her, she walked six months after. We have the inclusion unit at Leaves Green, Magodo and King’s School, Gbagada. The learning support units are normal education unit in mainstream schools. Here they get normal education with their therapy.

    Do you have current figures?

    Well, for Autism, one in a hundred kids is affected while you have 5 in 100 for adolescence. While the mental conditions are as a result of environmental factors like peer pressure, sexual abuse, drug addiction, as well as internet addiction and addiction to pornography. The 2013 mental health act now has included addiction to internet as a mental health condition. In China they have centres that deal with this and you have children where no matter what they cannot detach themselves from cartoon, chatting and browsing without destinations. It is a growing concern and it should be taken seriously. It creates anti-social behaviour and when a child does this they are fertile ground for people sourcing for children to be used as sleeping cells for terrorism.

    The internet is designed to pull in children that are anti-social, captivate them, keep them intrigued and make them believe that they can’t do without it. That is how terrorists capture them. For instance, Facebook says you must be over 15 years to open an account but a lot of parents open accounts for their kids. These days when children go to parties and are faced with peers on the same table they can chat with, they ping instead and you have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a mental health problem. The criteria for mental health are very wide and in Nigeria, almost everyone is at risk.

    How would you describe the Boko Haram crisis in this context?

    For someone to sit down and plot to kill is something else. I don’t believe that such a person is well. It still comes to the issue of anti-social behaviour as seeds for mental health. You need to have predisposing conditions or factors. There are some behaviours that are not normal like being eccentric, violence, suppression, hatred and segregation.

    They all create fertile ground for people with violent ideologies to penetrate. We need to protect our children. Drugs and alcohol are known to kids but they cannot see the psycho damage and mental health. You need to have predisposing conditions or factors.

    I am working on a book titled, “My personal childhood development surveillance records”. It is a book which monitors children’s development and it has the development screening in it. When the baby is born, the book is given to mother to write vital information about the baby. Most times, you find that mothers of children who have brain damage can’t tell you if the baby cried or not. If the baby didn’t cry, it means that the child may have lost oxygen. When I had my daughter, her lungs weren’t working and some emergency measures were used. I was hemorrhaging and she had to be resuscitated. Time is of essence. Mothers must be knowledgeable and ask about the birth process. You have the right to ask. Unfortunately, when you ask parents whose kids have problems fundamental questions they usually have no answers.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Question: Princess I am confused. I met a guy about 6 months ago at a party. 4 week s into our friendship, I agreed to fully date him. Meanwhile, I have been noticing some differences in him. If I call or text him, he will not respond. I call or text him about 10 times before he responds with only one word or two. I have that feeling that if I don’t communicate with him, he might forget about me, or that he is not thinking about me.

    He also appears to be a workaholic because he does not like to talk, he tells me that he loves to be by himself, listens to music, and reads most of the time. He hardly socializes but if he noticed that I am upset, he will tell me its work that he is very busy. I’ve tried to break up with him more than 20 times without any luck. Please advise me! Folake, Victoria Island

    Answer: Folake, you’re boyfriend appears to be a workaholic and a loner. Normal men need 30% extra space in a relationship (Married in faithful relationship). Semi-normal men need 60 % space in a relationship (Married but cheats on their spouse). A loner especially men need 80% space in a relationship (May be married or not if married may need 90% space). Two difficult issues to deal with unless cautioned with extreme patience. Since you have tried to break-up with him more than 20 times without any luck, it means there is love or care from the both of you. I am sure you adore your boyfriend, but you are like most women in love, you can’t get enough of him. Whenever time you are not spending with him in person or on the phone, you are actually longing for him. Sounds like you right? You would give anything to spend the rest of your life with this man, but you have recently come to the realization that he is not feeling the same way about you. Your idea of a relationship is different from his idea of a relationship. He may have told you that he needs some space or room to think.

    If your boyfriend wants time alone, it’s imperative that you do certain very specific things to ensure that his temporary need for some space does not turn into a long break up. When your boyfriend wants time alone the worst possible thing you can do is to push him to change his mind. A man who is feeling distant will only become more so if the woman he is with won’t let him go. He’ll view your behavior as a sign of pure desperation. He’ll run in the opposite direction as fast as he can and he won’t look back although in your mind you might think what you’ve been doing might bring him closer to you or that he does not think that there is someone else if you don’t make that effort. Instead what he is getting or reading from your behavior or through your behavior is that you don’t value him enough to give him what he needs. You are essentially demonstrating to him that your needs matters much more than his, he might even think that you are trying to control him through your actions. No man wants to be with a woman who is that selfish. If your boyfriend wants time to think or he expresses a need for space, give it to him.

    You certainly don’t have to have a huge smile on your face as you push him out the door. Be understanding and cooperate if you do really love or care about him. Also you said he is a workaholic, aside from being a loner, pressure from his work might be an added pressure on him. Someone like that needs pure understanding from his or her partner. This will help him see why you are the perfect partner for him.

    Communication with people like this is also extremely difficult. Chances are that if your boyfriend is one of those people who need a lot of space, he also won’t respond well to emotional arguments involving a lot of tears and yelling. More likely than not, loud emotional confrontation will only succeed in getting him to clamp up behind his wall so fast both of you won’t know what hit you. So if you start feeling like your hurt feelings are turning into anger which is very possible, and the rage is boiling up your throat stop! Take time to calm down, construct an honest argument that includes the possibility for misinterpretation and misunderstanding on both sides, and present what you feel to him calmly.

    If he is reasonable, he will listen. Also, most loners don’t conform to the normal morals, beliefs, and lifestyle of any groups, he stays off on the sidelines, this to them feels great. It is difficult to know how they feel about you but I believe with patience he is also human you will get to know how he really feels about you. They enjoy being free and independent, they do best with people who are more self-sufficient and independent too.

    That way you’re too busy yourself to bother them. It is a good idea to leave him alone for a bit once you two are separate. Absence can be a powerful force during the most tumultuous times for a couple. You need your boyfriend to experience his life without you in it. If he is given the opportunity to really miss you, it will help him understand why you are the partner he needs. You can’t accomplish that if you are waiting around every corner for him with hope that he will change his mind and jump back into a relationship with you.I wish you all the best.

     

    You can also send to our P.O. Box: 3419, Ikeja, Lagos Nigeia

  • Race against the emotional time

    RUNNING a race implies that you are strong and fit. You have a goal and there is a time frame in mind. It is usually short and the ability to get to the terminating point victories makes it worthwhile. This is what usually happens in a lot of relationships. There are different things contesting for a particular heart and the ‘swiftest’ takes it all. But in trying to be swift, you must be sure that you don’t crash or crash the heart (s) in the process.

    Let’s run the emotional race and see how it really works. Tope had to attend to three emergencies and she feels really happy that she had the energy to tackle the stress. Now it was time to go home to rest her head and aching heart. The consolation was that life and love were bright.

    About twenty minutes from home, she noticed that there was disaster ahead. A tanker was burning and it was loaded with fuel. Two other tankers were ahead of her and it was a close shave indeed. In her real elements, she would not have dared the flames but everyone in front of her decided to take the risk, move on and she joined the bandwagon. Yes, time was far spent and the thought of running into a bunch of hoodlums was equally scary.

    Anything could have happened; they could all have been burnt to death but somehow they escaped. The fire worsened and the other motorists behind were not so daring. Instead of rushing ahead, they made a u-turn, at least it was better late than never. The reality of what had just happened dawned on her when she saw the driver of the tanker running and running away for his dear life. She moved faster too, trying to get far away from the fury of the fire and the vicinity.

    What if the tanker (s) exploded and consumed everyone? Wasn’t it better to have taken a longer route and be sure that the danger you exposed yourself to be this bad? Interestingly, this scenario can be applied to our relationships. A lot of times, we discover that the relationships that we are hurriedly getting into are ‘disaster prone’. Sometimes, we assume that time is no longer on our side and just anybody or anything would do.

    We are so eager to make sacrifices that may not be understood or appreciated. In the heat of passion, we also fall prey to emotional predators that never planned for emotional bliss in the first place.

    They actually planned to have a very memorable and eventful outing. But somewhere along the line, the arrangement did not work out as planned. Instead of fixing the many holes their hearts had been subjected to they were forced to help others find their emotional feet, build new relationships as well as encourage those who were treading peaceful on the affectionate lawn.

    Unfortunately for these two lovebirds, their love ship anchored before taking off. Instead of fixing their affectionate holes and building emotional bridges for themselves, some curious busy bodies ‘hacked into their emotional bags and everything was almost in tatters. Somewhere along the line, they both derailed and these two hearts began to move on different lines.

    Mr. Right thought it was possible to mend the broken emotional fence but the more he tried the more difficult it was to bring them back again. Arguments and counter arguments ruled their world and it was obvious they could not continue to patch things up anymore.

    The truth of the matter is that many who would have enjoyed the relationship in which they are in get things messed up at some point. Just when they thought it was all worked out, a distraction pops up and they move on to a point where everything they do looks like they have been chasing shadows, emotional shadows .

    When you are in control, then you are likely to glide up the emotional ladder in style. But this unfortunately is the point a lot of women get to and they allow fear and insecurity to take over their emotional space.

    Instead of being secure because the relationship is going well and the guy seems like a good guy, you can be afraid and think that it won’t be forever. It doesn’t matter that he’s being affectionate and attentive and that there’s really no reason to feel anxious. So you begin wondering and worrying about what’s going on now, even though it’s a completely different guy and a completely different situation.

    You start to look for clues about his level of “seriousness” in the things he says and does, but nothing seems obvious to you, and you’re still not satisfied. Catching up and getting back on track can be a delight. But of course, it is more exciting if you are sure that this time around it is for real. It is better to know where the relationship is going.

    Nobody really wants to be “strung along” for months and months, only to have his or her heart broken. You don’t want to be wasting your time. Nor do you want to be seen as pushy or needy, so you may even rehearsed what you’re going to say in your mind. However, it is important to always remember that things don’t go exactly the way you planned or imagined. Men and women have different timelines when it comes to commitment.