The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Playboys hard to keep

    It”s a sunny day and the heat just won’t let you be. Stepping out on the verandah for some fresh air did some magic and you begin to get calm again? A few metres away, your eyes stray to a twosome. Two little buddies wrapped in their world. One has a pretty Barbie doll which she adores and clings to affectionately.

    The other grabs the dull and runs away. Perhaps, she is also in love with this mesmerising doll and they run around while yours truly monitor to find out who it finally ends up with. Surprised, the girl who took the dull is exhausted running around and finally throws the doll into the gutter and that is the end of the battle to win the doll (heart).Why did the person who didn’t care about the fragile doll take it only to discard shortly afterwards?

    The owner of the doll cries and cries while the hijacker could not be bothered. So why grab it only to throw it away? you wonder. That is exactly what happens in the emotional space, a place you just cannot understand or appreciate the intention of the face (heart) smiling in your direction at a glance. Is it for real, could it be some distraction or just revenge?

    The truth of the matter sometimes is that some don’t even know what they want. For Kemi, this is precisely what is happening to her at the moment. She has been in a relationship for about three years now and just cannot decode where it is heading to. The guy in question has so many other admirers and it looks like they have no future together. Playboys are hard to keep; often for everybody and nobody in particular.

    Then one day the bone of her bones emerged and fell head over heels for her.

    “I met Dauda at the bank and since we saw each other that day, we just liked each other. He is always talking to me on phone and there is always a date or a party to attend. I have never dated a guy like that in my life, and, somehow, I kept wondering where this Romeo had been all this while.”

    Her world changed dramatically and everyone could feel the love thing around our dear friend. “I began to give myself more attention unlike in the past. I changed my wardrobe, became more adventurous with my hairstyles and started attending a gym to keep fit.”

    Our babe continued to glow and then a few weeks ago, the jilted lover boy emerged from the blues. Unknown to her, he had taken some of her naked photos whilst they dated. The photos were uploaded online and everyone feasted on it. What a shame! Could this also be the end of the road for her relationship with Dauda? Yes, it was. He gave her a call 24 hours later telling her that he had something he wanted them to discuss.

    “I couldn’t sleep all night and I began to imagine the things he wanted to tell me. Of course, the likely option is that he wanted to talk about the photographs that have become a nightmare.”

    They had lunch and then it was time to talk. The words took so long in coming and when they finally came, he started with, ‘I am sorry, been trying to summon the courage to tell you all this while. Guess this is the best time to do this. I was engaged before I met you but we had some issues and decided to give ourselves some time.

    ‘Now, we are back together and I have come to the realisation that she is the one that I love, not you. What I feel for you is quite different. Once again, I am sorry.’

    Just like that! No, it must be the photographs that have upset him. He never behaved as if there was a substitute somewhere. In all of it, she was the loser in the game. A game she played carelessly, winning nothing and gaining nothing. She was the fool in the whole arrangement but somehow she made up her mind not to remain a victim forever. Love must be somewhere; the solution, of course, would be to try, try and try again.

    Wait a minute. Isn’t love supposed to be for better and for worse? Couldn’t he have forgiven her and forgotten the mess.

    Now, she is back to the emotional classroom, learning the romantic alphabets all over again. Not so easy, the words aren’t flowing properly at all, stammering all the way.

    The principle that kept our dear friend going was her determination, clinging onto the wild world of imaginations, allowing her imaginations to take her where she wants her heart to be and wishing for a better heart. Happiness finally came from that self-conscious awareness that brought Sina, the heart who loved her unconditionally.

  • A missing heart

    Missing person! The words on the poster drew your truly closer. The photograph of the lady is simply breathtaking, a missing beauty; would certainly make any heart skip a bit. The words and the face conjure all kinds of images and you are in wonderland. What could have happened to this beauty?  Was she kidnapped by a beast(s)? How could she just vanish into thin air without imagining the pain her disappearing act would cause.

    Dead or alive, the truth of the matter here is that she is deeply missed. This reminds yours truly of a missing heart, like people hearts can be missing. So what kind of heart are we likely to miss? you ask. A sweet heart is a jolly good fellow, someone who brings sunshine (love) into your world, a heart that radiates joy and one who spreads love in megadoses and there certainly is never a dull moment.

    A missing heart is a lost heart. It is over but somehow you just cannot let go. The more you want to forget and move on, it keeps creeping back but there is a lot of uncertainty here. Searching for the missing comes with tales of frustration. The missing person who ran away must have escaped from something or someone, a partner who is aggressive, selfish or non-challant about your feelings.

    Well, somehow you cannot be judgmental on the emotional corridor; for many it’s the gambling arena. Sometimes you put in an emotional coin and sweep the stakes. As a winner, your smile is everywhere and you are likely to attract more hearts. Everybody loves a winner and you may just be overwhelmed by the level of attention you are getting here and there. You are in the season of love and the best thing to do is to put on your thinking cap and not the emotional cap. If you do not make the best of the emotional coupons, you may just waste them

    Unfortunately, there are times when you put in all your savings and walk out without a dime.

    As you think about the possibilities, you heart continues to sink.

    Two close pals who knew her story came to the rescue. That babe ran away. No, this can’t be. How can anyone run away from an environment where the hearts around ‘appear’ to be so loving? Imagine the cost of producing those bright-coloured posters; imagine the number of people to be contacted if our dear friend is found. They really care, don’t they?

    Forget about the bright-coloured poster and the effect created about a heart that is being missed.

    What actually happened was the case of a missing heart. Her heart left a long time ago. Whatever you are feeling comes from a cumulative effect of your feelings and how you feel for the other person. The vibes from your emotions cannot be compared to the effects you get from a solo instrument; instead you get better like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. So at every phase in your relationship, you have got to ask yourself pertinent questions about what your mind is saying, what your heart is saying as well as what your gut is saying.

    This is very interesting because there are times when your heart says you have found love but somewhere along the line your mind is warning you about the consequence and more.

    The crux of the matter here is that we must learn how to build the right kind of relationship. We must strive to make those who think we love happy and have memories that linger. The big question, however, is how many of us have learnt how to build loving relationships? If we have done this, then it is important to make use of the essentials and allow others to appreciate what we are enjoying in our relationships.

    As you take a look around, you find that there is an art and science to building strong relationships. The first type is to create a safe environment, a place where trust is key and lovebirds are free to share ideas and not allow one person’s interests to dominate the other. No, it isn’t always a smooth ride and there would certainly be days when you need to shout and get angry. Yes, there are days when the emotional battle line is drawn, but, again, when you get to this emotional crossroads, it is better to fight fairly. Of course, for many it is almost impossible to get to anger zone and still maintain some level of sanity.

    Interestingly, you can do this by making your points and addressing the areas that you want to see changes. To do this effectively, there should be no name calling, don’t make threats and it is also very important to apologise when you know you should.

    However, if things get really bad and out of hand, then you are likely to get too angry to really listen. If your emotions have really gone down the drain, then it is better to take a break, give yourself some space and calm down.

  • Back to zero

    Sink, sinking and sunk. That aptly describes the state in which Tony’s heart is at the moment. At a glance, it looks like he has lost practically everything sown along the emotional corridor. What a mess! He had put in all his energy into a good job (heart); something that he was so passionate about. Flashback to 2012, the whole idea consumed his being and it was something that was on his mind 24 hours a day.

    Kudos everywhere ! A job well done and the passion for this job (love) got better. Then it was time to take stock, count the blessings and his heart was on the plaque (marriage). Instead of recognising a great performance, he got a sack (jilted) letter.

    Oh dear! What really is the problem here? Nobody was willing to tell him the truth, and then a co-worker (rival) ‘bell the cat’. “You have worked (loved too much) too hard.” Doing this, he hinted, made him look too desperate for the job (heart).

    In the emotional space, you cannot afford to be slow, too fast or just an Island. It’s about understanding the vibes and keeping in at the right time. Of course, you also have got to abide by the rules and be considerate about the emotions of the other players. Not nice to take the other party for granted at all.

    If you are giving 80 and they are giving 20, then you may just have been taken for granted with a heart that is likely to suffer from emotional ‘constipation’. The resident of Love Avenue can be highly critical and irrational and it is important to understand how to relate with the heart that you treasure. If you do not learn to interpret the moods, actions and inactions, then you would continue to step on emotional toes instead of reaping from the sweet-nothings whispered, the type every woman wants to hear.

    Smart? No, it has nothing to do with having a critical mind to survive. There are times you put in so much, expecting an overdose in terms of affections. Great expectations, and you anticipate a bountiful harvest. Yet all you get is a stingy heart, a heart that doesn’t match your expectations.

    Life goes on and now that this Buddie has learnt one or two lessons from life (love), it dawns on him that he is bankrupt (no emotions). Emptied! Yes, that is the stark reality and a quick search for leftovers here and there; there is really nothing worth the while. His emotional account was simply in red.

    The crux of the matter here is that a sinking heart drains. A broken heart is blind. You just cannot see anything clearly. No matter how hard you try, the tears simply take over. No matter how hard you try to conceal the pain, reality hits you like a sharp knife thrust into your heart and you are back to zero.

    What is he going to do without the right resources to do it right? Unfortunately, if you do not have what it takes, then you may just have to turn to the other alternative, the type that is very common; a bag of tricks (lies). Time to put on his thinking (lovecraft) cap and luckily a bright idea comes to mind. Instead of suffering in silence and bothering about emotional ethics, isn’t it better to just go window shopping.

    It was fun moving from one window to the other. Delicate pieces, colourful and bright combinations, all beckoning for attention. Somewhere simply breathtaking and almost irresistible. Once in a while, the sad reality hits our dear; you can only look but cannot take away. It got worse because the items (hearts) staring at him were communicating, ‘take me, please take me with you’.

    They weren’t the only accomplices in the process. As soon as the shop owner and attendants sighted this lovebird, they invited (lured) him within to try a shirt, a pair of shoes and more. They were excited about the fact that he was likely to buy (fall in love), they ran in and out in desperation trying to find his choice. Stylishly, he pretended that he did not like any of the options presented. The truth was that the options were all good but the timing was just wrong.

    There was a lot of excitement in the air and it worsened everything. Why would he raise their hopes, knowing fully well that he wasn’t prepared to buy anything? As he watched the ladies (hearts) scrambling for his attention to buy at least a pair of shoes, he smiled and walked away.

    Wait a minute! The only option here would be to shoplift (rape)! After all, the attendants here were so carried away with him and he could just get away with this, if he chose to do just this. No, that is not a good idea. It is not good to take what (love forcefully) does not belong to you. It comes with a lot of consequences.  He discovered that in the process of trying to make himself happy, he had dashed hopes and complicated the process.

  • Investing in the wrong heart

    The battle line has been drawn and now it is going to be fight to finish. How can anyone take her silence for stupidity? How can this common intruder take over her emotional space while she continues to suffer in silence? Wait a minute! What has she done to merit this kind of rash treatment? Why does love crash when you least expect it to do so? Now, she is not just stunned but handicapped because she just does not know where to pick the pieces together again.

    Let’s scroll down memory lane and see how this love story took off. “We met at an interview and he looked really dull. For her it was love at first sight. She just liked him and found a way to start a conversation with him. He had this nice baritone voice and he was intelligent. When they got talking later that day, she discovered that he had been out of job for about a year. That obviously had affected him and she made up her mind to get him back on track. The only person she confided in about the relationship was her friend Lizzy. For Lizzy, it was important to tread with caution: “My dear, it is good to fall in love, but sometimes, it is better to look before you leap. A lot of the guys you have out there are gentle only when they want something from you. Once they get what they want, you can be sure that you will begin to see the other side. Please don’t fall in love, take your time and be sure that your heart is worth investing here. You know that you have been through so much already, you do not need another distraction again.”

    Luckily, he was one of the lucky few who got employed and she was so happy for him. The relationship took off almost immediately because they shared so many things in common. The two jolly good fellows loved themselves so much and they were always in each other’s company. They had been in the relationship for about three years and many thought they had everything going for them. The first two years was wonderful and it was a roller coaster of emotions.

    Love made in heaven? Maybe! It was a great experience for her because this was the first time that she was having a relationship with someone who was simple, easy going and down to earth. Bode just wasn’t like the other guys she had dated in the past. He was very emotional and didn’t appear to be too adventurous with the ladies. Tall and handsome, he was someone any lady would want to be associated with. The only snag was that she wished he could improve on his dress sense and look more attractive.

    They discussed it and he agreed to be the man she wanted her darling to be. This handsome bobo was, however, too plain, too ordinary and somehow her desire to brush him up and make him match her taste engulfed her. Passionately, she put all her energy into it and gradually the transformation began. First, they went on a shopping spree, all expenses on the initiator of the idea to look good and she was happy doing this for her man. She bought new clothes and accessories and the transformation was simply amazing. A look at the magnetic mirror for the most handsome dude in town and you find him in the picture. He looked really good and his level of self confidence also improved. Feeling fresh and exciting, he began to make heads turn. Now that we have changed this plain guy and moved him to the level of the most sought after, fresh trouble began. A number of emotional rats began to run to and fro the emotional corridor. This new look was exciting but it brought threats, big and small.

    “I knew from the first two weeks that I had lost my guy. He just could not handle this new look and he was mesmerised by the compliments and emotional partnerships that unfolded as the days went by. Can’t really blame him! They simply suffocated him with love, or was it lust? For someone who had been ‘dehydrated’ and longing for affection, this was time to indulge. He drank and drank from the affection stream and became confused. For the lover boy, it was indeed a season for flings, strange phone calls and threats to the heart that showed him real love. This just wasn’t fear; you don’t abandon a generous and caring heart just like this. Unfortunately, the word fair has vanished from the emotional lexicon, hearts do not reason this way.

    Unfortunately, our dear friend did not know that she was looking for emotional trouble. When you make someone or something you like very attractive, then you are bringing others to be partakers and they would go for it at all cost. Sadly, our dear friend was not thinking along this line and the Romeo was whisked away along the emotional corridor before she knew what was going on.

  • In the heart of the philosopher

    It’s a Sunday afternoon and you are in a quiet neighbourhood restaurant. The food and the ambience were great, and as you take a look around something grips your attention. It is a quote by Socrates and advises whoever finds a good wife to marry her, because she would make him happy. Conversely, the great philosopher informs that the man who finds a bad wife would become a philosopher.

    Humh! Was he talking from experience? Yes, he was. Scroll down memory lane and you find that Socrates did not have a happy marriage.  Simply put, if you get something (heart) right from the outset, they you take it for granted, assume that it is a very simple or easy task. However, if you had to try, try and try again, you are definitely going to be better, wiser and more experienced from the lessons learnt.

     Those who find love at first sight are calm and think they were the best in the pack. They were lucky having been spared of worries, deep emotional thoughts that subsequently led to nightmares, soliloquies and getting to the philosophical states of propounding emotional theories and fallacies.

    Interestingly, Socrates is not alone. When it comes to the issue of relationships, some of our great philosophers are very sceptical. In their opinions, true love is unattainable and marriage is simply settling down with someone who might not be the best. Plato describes love as a serious mental disease and in another quote says, ‘At the touch of love every man becomes a poet’. On his part, Aristotle informs that happiness depends upon us and to love someone is to identify with them.

    As you probe further, you discover that for the philosopher, the question “what is love?”continues to generate a host of issues. Love is an abstract noun, which means, for some, it’s unattached to anything real or sensible. That, interestingly, is all. For others, it is a means by which our being – our self and its world are irrevocably affected once we are ‘touched by love’. While some have sought to analyse it, others have preferred to leave it in the realm of the ineffable.

    Love is often portrayed as a powerful force; something that can inspire greatness in the lover. Alternatively, it is something that can make the lover act like a fool. Love can be the greatest feeling in the world, but it can also be utterly devastating when it doesn’t work out.

    Given these observations, we might be inclined to think that there’s a significant element of irrationality to love. But we should be careful here, as perhaps love can have reasons too. For example, if you have a significant other, you could probably list off a bunch of reasons for your love: your partner is kind, intelligent, funny, and so on. If you loved someone who was mean, stupid, and boring, that would be irrational. But, presumably, many of us have great reasons for loving who we love, which shows that sometimes love is actually quite rational.

    It would be wise to pause, though, to consider whether or not we ever actually love for the reasons we give. Perhaps the truth is that we first find ourselves in love, and then come up with reasons to justify our feelings. Just because we can provide reasons for feeling the way we do about a particular person, it doesn’t follow that we see reasons for loving first, and then develop feelings based on those reasons.

    While the philosophers have learnt great emotional lessons and taken a stand, a lot of people get stuck on the surface. They are therefore caught in the emotional web and often overact when things go sour. This often results in violence in relationships and recently you have lovebirds killing themselves, setting the people the claim to love ablaze and much more. The truth of the matter is that not all love can survive the test of the emotional times.

    Every love script has two sides. The first side is the part that we all love to experience and talk about. Unfortunately, when we get to the flipside of love, it’s not always pleasant for many. Here the sweet aroma of love that they once savoured goes sour, and the bitter aftertaste just won’t go away.

    The sad part of the emotional bargain is that many often allow the feelings of devastation, anger and betrayal to fester and they find themselves spiralling into hate.

    Experts interestingly inform that this hate is not the opposite of the love that you once felt for each other. Hate is an intense emotion that illustrates a very alive and well connection to another person. You are still bonded to this person, care what happens to him, good or bad, and you are preoccupied with things that are beyond your control.

    The opposite of love at this stage here can be compared with indifference. Interestingly, you also have a group who are still physically together, patching things up, even though their hearts have fallen apart. Here, you find cases of emotional abuse. Though emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical scars, it can have a huge impact on your confidence and self-esteem.

  • Back to reality

    Dotun got home tired that Friday evening and he went straight to bed. He woke up about three houses later recalling a sweet dream about Foluke, his ex girlfriend. They had a wonderful time together for two years before it ended abruptly a few months ago. She was a girl that he cherished totally and had never had a relationship that was that good.  Now, this is no longer the emotional story. Things have really fallen apart and they are never likely to go through this romantic experience again.

    Now, as he looks back at the sweet memories and the events that transpired in the past few months, he realises that it was all deception. That warmth that he held on to so much was never meant to last. It was a fleeting, temporary (hormone-driven) season, as they all are.

    The beginning of every relationship can be exciting and full of great expectations. There is charm, high hopes and warmth that you imagine would linger for years or ever, forever. Just while you are getting so used to this fantasyland experience, something jostles you back to reality.

    Now, you are in a session where almost every dream melts into tears, fights and bitterness that change your definition of love. Expert naturally blames it on the mental floss, coursing through our love-struck brains, or chalk it up to hindsight nostalgia and a well-edited memory.

     Regardless of whatever you are going though in the relationship that you have found yourself, it is better to dwell on the positive side of the emotional bargain. This is what is required to take you through the specific season in your emotional life.

    It can be traumatic falling into the shadowy parts of a relationship; things can even get so bad that you think it is all over and still survive the emotional odds in style. This is the point where you emerge victorious on the emotional edge and still conquer the heart that you imagined had slipped away.

    It is quite difficult to know all of the intricate, deeply-seeded reasons for failures and unhappiness even when you have put in so much into the relationship basket. The crux of the matter is that happiness is wildly inconsistent and subjective. That, naturally, may be the reason why a lot of people wish that there are some grand happiness formulas they pick and apply to their relationships.

    Sadly, chronic unhappiness can be devastating in the long run. It starts like a joke and gradually simmers under the surface of our lives, building up pressure, and each heavy sigh becomes an emotional relief valve.

    From experience and talking with people around you, there are

    some consistent habits among the chronically unhappy. This includes trying to get back old feelings.

    One big problem for many is that they usually have a lot of expectations that are unrealistic. Most of our happily-ever-after expectations are shattered within a year or two, but what about the high expectations we have of our loved ones? The things they should do and say and think, and how we expect them to be at any given time.

    Of course, we all know that some expectations are good and appropriate. They actually keep us accountable and striving for growth. But what about the expectations that our partners are consistently falling short of? We think things like, “He should be more romantic,” and “If he loved me, he would want to help with the laundry,” and, to varying degrees, “He should do and think exactly as I do and do it how I want it done, the minute I want it done.”

    However, we need to sit down and think about the other person. In the process of doing this, we would find that many of our expectations are a quite unreasonable.

    At some point in every relationship, we have to evaluate our expectations and recognise when they’re making us chronically disappointed. We have to define what absolutely cannot be tolerated, clearly communicate that, and then accept our partners for who they are right now, not who we think they should be.

    While we’re at it, what about the expectations we place on ourselves? This is also very important and it would help us to shape things better and get the best of the emotional opportunity.

    Some people also have the belief that they can only be happy once the other person changes. If only he would make more money or stop spending money or work on his rage issues, then we would be happy together. If only he didn’t have so many problems, then things would be easier. As much as this feels true, it’s not. Our partners were never meant to complete us, to fill our holes, to make us happy. We’re responsible for our own emotions and well-being. It is therefore very important to stop fixating on all of the things we can’t change.

  • The pains of betrayal

    It was supposed to be the last emotional card. Miraculously, thing moved on well and the first six months looked like a union made in heaven. Just when she thought she had captured Bosun’s heart, his old flame came back to the picture. The fair weather lover ditched him when he was nobody. The natural thing to do was to move on and forget the runaway ‘bride to be’. Sadly, Bosun could not resist this ‘prodigal ‘lover’. First, he kept it a secret but it got to a point where they just could not continue as secret lovers anymore.

    Three certainly is a crowd. So, who do we send out of the emotional garden? Sadly, it was our dear Teniola that lost out.

    The crux of the matter is that relationships are not based on logic; they are actually influenced by our emotions. This therefore makes cheating difficult to define. Whether you consider cheating as sex or simply a kiss, the truth here is that a betrayal is a betrayal.

    We all love to have a smooth emotional ride. A journey that is filled with fun, sweet memories and time shared with someone real and caring. Unfortunately, the fun times are usually too short for many.

    They are part of the reality of living; life and love is not perfect. The lovebirds are responsible for the outcome and it is better to spice a dull space with affection and when it becomes messy, then you make your skills and mop up the mess before it gets out of hand.

    Sadly, many of us are dreamers and we love to hide under the illusion of dating a sweet ‘Barbie’ doll or the Prince charming that would never hurt a fly.

    So, when our emotional flight crashes on the tarmac, we are jolted back to reality. The emotional hangover of being cheated is actually the worst. What would you do if you found out that precious heart that you cherish is nothing but a two-timing fool? What would you do if you open the door of your bedroom and catch your fiancé and your best friend in bed? How would you feel when you walk into a restaurant and your girl is in hot passionate kiss with another man? Question, questions and more questions. Sadly that is the reality of the love zone. Hearts have crashed and somersaulted along the emotional corridors and it can be so painful.

    If you ask anymore who has lost a dear heart, they would tell you that being cheated on is the worst thing that ever happened to them.First you feel sad,rejected, as well as also pissed off. Betrayal through cheating can come from the babe or the dude; however we all know that it is more common with the guys.

    Interestingly, scientific studies have narrowed down some traits that are statistically more common in guys who cheat. Money is important and it has a lot to do with this and so many other issues that affect any relationship.

    The research also showed that partners were less likely to cheat if they were in the same (or similar) income brackets. Men were more likely to cheat if they made a lot more money than their partner, and they were most likely to cheat if they made a lot less.

    Next, it was discovered that people are more likely to cheat if their friends are also cheaters. Conversely, if his friends are trustworthy, it’s likely he’s trustworthy too.

    Oh dear! That is certainly a tough one; you can get rid of friends in this category easily. So what do you do? Perhaps the way out would be to be at your best and satisfy your man in bed. Not so easy! Experts also explain that most men don’t cheat because they’re not satisfied sexually. They actually join the cheating game because they are seeking emotional satisfaction.

    Ordinarily, you would think that extroverts, our jolly good fellows, are the ones to be avoided if you don’t want your heart to crash like humpty dumpty. The research goes on to reveal that introverts are actually more likely to cheat because they’re more likely to agree to someone propositioning them. If you are hooked with an extrovert, then surely there is no real cause for alarm. Even if he’s always out there meeting new people, you actually might be safer. Reason: “There is no big deal’.

    That is not all. The emotional researchers also found out that you can trust your gut when it comes to identifying guys who look like they would cheat and finally break your heart. So, if your gut is telling you “no,” then it’s a good idea to listen to that gut.

    Here, it is the end of the road for some relationships. Those who have a large heart may just forgive but not totally forget the act. Infidelity can either destroy their sex lives or just be a powerful way to heal and discover the gaps.

  • Escaping from a dead heart

    THE sea brings to mind lots of water, different species of fishes and other creatures. Naturally, the picture that comes to mind is an environment that is rich physically depicting all kinds of emotional gestures. Its natural environment is bound to be a booster for affection, attraction, infatuation and fondness.

    However, if you affection is located on the Dead Sea you are not likely to go far. No matter what you do and the efforts you put in, you are not likely to find any fish (heart) or even locating your dream fish (heart).

    The Dead Sea historically has attracted visitors (hearts) from all over the world for thousands of years. It is known as the salt lake famous for incredibly high levels of salt. The deepest hypersaline lake in the world. This salinity makes for a harsh environment in which animals of any kind cannot flourish.

    However, it has been the supplier of a wide variety of products like balms for Egyptian mummification, potash for fertilizers, cosmetics and herbal products.

    The scarcity of aquatic life in the Dead Sea can be compared with relationships that have no future from the outset. The question here is how do you get into dead relationships? How do you determine who or what to avoid in the search for a befitting heart?A heart that would bring joy and not tales of sorrow, tears and blood.A loving heart and not a cheap sadist masquerading to be sweet and nice just because he or she is planning to rip you off someday.

    32-year-old Josephine’s heart is sinking miserably on the affectionate Dead Sea. She has actually given up all hope of finding love again after three cases of misplaced affection. “The last relationship was the most painful. We had saved some resources together to rent a house and start a family. We also travelled to see him parents and family members about three months before everything crashed like a pack of cards. It was at that point that I realised that he had been deceiving me all along.”

    On his part, he did not wait to give this poor heart any explanation about the whole emotional mess. Instead, he got a ticket and travelled out of the country, far away from this dying or ‘dead’ heart.

    Now, she thinks that she has found love again but sadly her affection sadly is with the wrong heart.  “I am in love with my sister’s husband and I don’t know that to do about the situation. The man keeps making flirtatious gestures towards me and I am so confused. Deep inside, something tells me to say yes because he is what I have been wishing for all my life.”

    That is not all! “I think that my sister is very ungrateful and she treats him badly. Each time you pay them a visit, he is always complaining about how tired he has become of her. It is sad that my sister does not appreciate him at all and she does not value what she has.”

    Emotional traitor! There are so many of them around looking for hearts to be stolen and hijacked for themselves. Sadly, a lot of people live, wine and dine with traitors. They entrust their lives and hearts to charlatans who end up plotting their betrayal in a very wicked way. Hearts that hide mischievously in the background planning how to steal what belongs to the other.

    How can you continue to smile sheepishly at somebody, seduce him or her and not expect a reaction? Whether the reaction is positive or negative is another matter entirely. “How can she smile cheaply at your man claiming that you do not appreciate what you’ve got?”

    How on earth can someone stoop so low and lose her heart to a sister’s boyfriend, fiancé or husband?  Or even a friend’s husband for that matter? What kind of friend could that be? Here it would be better to hug the enemy instead of settling for this kind of friendship.

    Besides, who made you the judge of whether or not she appreciates him or not. Are you the emotional spy, the forerunner who must step into her emotional shoes? As a good and loyal sister or friend, your only duty is not to be trusted, be loyal and stop looking for excuses to justify your lust for her man.

    She continued: “I have been in four different relationships in the past six years but I have not succeeded in having any stable relationship. The relationships all start on a very bright note, but when I think have gotten it right, things just begin to fall apart.”

    However, she noticed that men who have a soft spot for her are usually already engaged. “When my best friend got married a few years ago, I met the best man and I really liked him. Then I began to pray that she would throw the bouquet in my direction. There and then I began to propose to me and marry me later.”

    Was this a dream come true? No, it wasn’t! “When I made enquiries from my friend, I realised that he was already married. To my utmost surprise, he also liked me so much and he wanted us to be friends. Unfortunately, we both knew that we weren’t going to go far.”

  • Just before it crumbled

    CAN two broken hearts melt into one? Yes, sometimes two ‘cracking’ hearts can be resuscitated and you could have something that would last forever. A lot of people who have suffered heartaches can still find their missing ribs, if only they look around carefully. Naturally, their emotions have been blown with the winds and they are just managing to hang on. But from this emotional valley, it is still possible to move out and rediscover something new and adorable.

     This can only happen when the new bird is sincere and willing to flow with you. Interestingly, this is the situation Noami is experiencing at the moment and she is happy that she allowed her heart to step out of the ‘box’. At a distance, Naomi seemed to have the worlds in her pocket. Friends and neighbours admired and held her in high esteem because of her rare qualities. She was beautiful in and out. A pretty face, great physique and a large heart. Yet, there was just one snag: there was no Romeo in sight. And so everyone made it his or her business to be a great matchmaker just to find our dear friend a Mr. Right.

    “It wasn’t as if I never really found a guy I loved or admired. Unfortunately, he died three months to our wedding. That was a fatal emotional blow, one that I never really recovered from. It actually took me a long while before I started picking the bits and pieces together because my world crumbled at that point.”

    He must have been a wonderful guy, the type that you wish to spend a lifetime with. “Yes, he was a rare personality and he transformed my life while we were together. When I got the news from his younger sister I was shocked.”

    Naomikept on wishing it was all a dream and that someone was going to wake her up from this emotional slumber. “Most times I kept on talking to myself and tell me that it wasn’t true.” Sadly, that never happened and the poor lady’s heart kept on sinking. “By the time I woke up, it was almost too late. All the guys I ran into and admired were all married. I was stuck and the ones who desperately wanted my hand were not the kind of guys that I desired.”

     From that point, yours truly was on the receiving end and hung on to life as an emotional beggar with little or no choice at all. Just when she thought that her emotional gates had been padlocked for life, another heart came passing by. “We met at a friend’s wedding anniversary. I knew that all our friends would be at the event and they would all be popping the same question at yours truly. But again, I was lonely and I needed something to fill up this vacuum. To make things easy for me, I had told myself not to take any question seriously and just make myself happy.”

    Like she imagined, almost everyone turned out for the event. Two great minds locked together as one sure deserves everyone’s time and attention. “I sat in a corner and tried to tuck myself away from familiar faces. Unfortunately, one of the busy bodies finally caught up with yours truly. Shewas clutching a male hand bag and because I hadn’t seen her in a long while, I imagined he was her ‘property’.

    “Well, it turned out that my assumptions were wrong. This was actually another matchmaking episode and yours truly was at the centre of the script. ‘Hello dearie! How are we today? I just saw that you don’t have any company and I thought I should introduce my cousin, Ajibade to you.’

    “Nonsense! Can’t these people realise that life is not all about have a partner. Who says that I am lonely without a busy body around me? Trust Shade, she zoomed off almost immediately and didn’t wait for my opinion on the matter. What am I going to do with this emotional garbage that she dumped on me? We kept staring at one another liked dundies and I felt like running away.

    “Wait a minute! It is not fair to sit on the fence and assume that you are better than the other person. So, I had this desire to help. Poor heart, only God knows who has wounded him this badly. But can two broken hearts melt into one.Then suddenly he opens his mouth and started talking. Well, he wasn’t as bad as I thought and in a short while this familiar stranger wormed his way into my heart.”

    The truth of the matter is that a man can be just as afraid or even more afraid of rejection than you are. In order for a man to overcome “shyness” or even his fear of rejection, he has to feel pretty confident in himself or in the idea that if he were to ask you out, you’d respond with a “yes.” Secondly, if you’re always surrounded by a group of people, he may not have the opportunity to be free with you.

    If he’s never had a one-on-one conversation with you, where you’re leading with attraction and flirting back, he may not feel too sure of the situation. This is why it’s important that if you want to maximise the chances that a man will follow-up with his attraction for you, you may just have to find a way to engage him. This way he would definitely discover that you are both interested and available

  • On the right track or not

    The emotional space is as competitive as any business environment you can imagine. Faced with that reality, it is always better to make sure that the one that you are attracted to gets value for the emotions that they would be given to you. You just have to put yourself constantly in your partner’s shoes to appreciate what you do or have left undone.

    Conversely, accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want in a relationship will not only make you unhappy, it will also keep you tied to someone who is not right for you. So really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.

    Adunni and Tolu had courted for about seven months and they got along pretty well. During this period, the two lovebirds discovered some of the things they shared in common and hoped that the relationship was going to lead them to the altar. Just when Adunnithought she had found the man of her dream man, the dream was aborted.

    How did things fall apart? you ask. A few weeks before the discovery, Adunnipaid Tolu a surprise visit in the office. That was in order, it’s sometimes gives you direction and you would find out if you are on the right emotional track or not.

    How did the bubble burst? Our dear friend who was still day dreaming emotional adventure ran into another competitor who surprisingly had won the emotional crown.”I found them together in a very uncompromising way and I began to ask some questions.”

    So, did she get answers to these questions? Not really. “Tolu simply introduced the lady as his fiancée.” No apologies! For a few seconds she felt as if her heart had stopped. This relationship had caused her so much harm in the past and this certainly was the last straw. Gradually, she gained composure, got her car keys, ran out of the office and sat inside the car for a few minutes.

    It was very cold and she was lonely and alone. All kinds of things started riveting on her mind. Cars were revving as everyone was in a hurry to get out of the car park and then she finally found her way out of the mess (physical and emotional.)

    Like Adunni, Nnamdi is in a deep emotional mess. He was supposed to meet his fiancée, Matilda, in the restaurant at 5 pm. The traffic was really bad and somehow he was a little late.He finally found his way into the restaurant panting and almost breathless. A few seconds after,he felt better and looked for her in their usual corner.

    To his surprise, she wasn’t around. That was quite unlike her and he decided to call her on phone. The line was dead and so he decided to wait for his sweetheart.

    With his laptop opened in front of him, he happily slipped into a happy reverie of all their moments. The things they had shared. The words she had said; he had turned out to be quite the poet.

    In that few minutes, he tried to work on some of the pending mails in his inbox. Here he found a note from his beloved Matilda. “I can’t make it as promised. I am a bit confused about this relationship. Please I need some time to think about it all. Sorry for whatever inconveniences this might cause you.”

    At this point, he knew that something new must have happened; after all they spoke about an hour ago. So, where do we go from here? Should he really give her another chance or start thinking of a plan B?

    It is important to know how to interpret your partner’s mood from time to time. Usually, when a man or woman acts withdrawn, that is a signal that the person is undergoing an emotional process and needs time to recharge.

    Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.

    Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears, she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.

    The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.

    When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that it can be very devastating to handle. So the next question is how you survive during the hurting period. The crux of the matter is that it can be really tough but you just have to be determined to move on and create a better emotional space for the future.