The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • A different kettle of fish

    Tayo is a woman with a bleeding heart. She was in a relationship for three years and had so many expectations about it. Just when she was thinking of how their lives would be together, the man walked away with a lady who lived adjacent to her house. Heartbroken, she decided not to fish for another heart again. Five months after, a brand new heart came along and the chemistry was just right. They worked in the building and they saw one another on a regular basis. They got engaged the following year and marriage plans were in top gear. Now that she had found love, she looked more radiant and attractive. Two weeks to her wedding day, she got a call from her fiancé’s cousin that he died in a car crash. She was devastated and her world came crashing like a pack of cards.

    During the week, yours truly read about the story of a woman with a similar experience. This heart just could not bear the loss and so she killed herself. It was obvious that she loved him so much and just could not imagine what life would be like without the love of her life. Can you imagine a woman jumping to her death barely an hour after her man dies? Well, that was exactly what she did.

    This 36-year-old woman committed suicide by jumping from the eighth floor of her Noida flat on Tuesday. According to Noida police and residents of Prateek Laurel in Sector 119 where the couple lived, her husband, Anurag Aggarwal (39), was rushed to Fortis Hospital following complaints of chest pain Tuesday afternoon.

    “He died in the hospital after a cardiac arrest at 2 pm. His wife, Monica Aggarwal (36), jumped from the balcony at around 3 pm. She was rushed to a hospital where she was declared brought dead. The couple have a six-year-old daughter,” said Deputy Superintendent of Police (Noida City) Anoop Kumar.

    Interestingly, Monica is not alone. In a similar incident that happened about a week earlier, Assistant Commissioner of Police Amit Singh allegedly shot himself with his service revolver. Upset over his death, his wife also jumped from the balcony of their fourth floor residence in Noida’s Sector 100, minutes later. Two days after the incident, she succumbed to injuries. They are survived by an 18-month-old daughter.

    Modern day Romeo and Juliet! That is what comes to mind here. Most hearts in this position do not last a day apart. Even old couples who have lived with one another for decades have shown that they are irrelevant without the heart they promised to love till death do them apart. They just cannot afford to stay on when the heart that they cherish passes away. For this group of people, it is nothing but total love.

    The first thing that comes to mind here would be how you get the best from a relationship. How do you connect with a heart that is sincere and really loves you? The crux of the matter is that there are no straight answers to these emotional questions. A lot of times, it is a game of luck, chance as well as winning the right heart.

    Experts inform that in true love, the development of self is the most important ingredient for success. In this case, what you observe is that in the relationship both parties should want the best for one another. Conversely, what you get in toxic love is quite different. Here the primary focus is on the relationship itself, sometimes the parties involved would obsess over how the two people involved interface in the relationship.

    For hearts that are liberal and genuine, the best thing you crave for is true love. Here you can be sure of comfort in separate interests. The experience would be great; you also have your own friends and meaningful relationships outside of such romantic relationships. In addition to all this, you also discover that there is excitement because you can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand.

    It is a different kettle of fish with love that is toxic. Even though there is total involvement in one another’s lives, one can’t go anywhere without the other. This is codependency that brings no result. Here, there is an obsession with trying to change your partner into someone you’d rather be with instead of loving them for who they are. Sadly, the conversations in this type of relationship are intended to blame, defend, or manipulate your partner.

    As you explore their world, you find a lot of strains and pressure. For instance, sex for the couple would be something they feel pressured over due to fear, insecurity. The feeling therefore would be as though they have to conform to the sexual desires of their partner.

    However, if what you are experiencing is true love, there would be no struggle in embracing the individuality of the other person. You are dealing with hearts that are matured, intimacy is a free choice that grows from love and trust, caring and friendship. In true love, every conversation is constructive, the hearts concerned are trying to understand and help, or convey affection to the hearts that they treasure.

  • Stuck with post dated cheques

    BANKRUPT! Yes, that aptly describes the state that Veronica was in at the moment. She owes some of her creditors and they have given her deadlines to repay the debts .The only assets she could boast of are three post dated cheques in her drawer but they just wouldn’t be useful now.

    Like her financial status, her emotions are also tottering on the brink. “I was abandoned by men that I really loved. They all ran away when I needed them most. Now, some of them are back just to tell me that they are sorry and that I am the bride they wished they had. They are all married and I am still single, left with emotional promissory notes in the ‘dream’ bank.”

    In banking, a post dated cheque is a cheque written by the drawer (payer) for a date in the future. It just can’t be cashed or deposited before the date written on it. Of course it is filled with material (emotional) promises, suggestive of a better future but you just cannot make use of it.

    So who needs a post dated cheque that’s gathering dust in the drawer? These cheques are frequently used by customers (lovebirds) who take out payday loans. You buy (love) now and pay later. Sometimes, it could be a guarantee that the loan (love invested) would be paid back. The big question here is when would it be paid back? A matter of time though.

    Sometimes, this can also be uncertain too. What if the account that you want to draw from goes red? Sadly, if this should be the case, no matter the number of emotional cheques in your custody, you just can’t draw from them and it can be really frustrating. There is a deliberate payment delay that is synonymous with uncertainty.

    A recent study by researchers found that the more a couple fights about money, the more likely they are to split. In fact, couples who disagree about finances once a week are more than 30% more likely to divorce than couples who disagree about money a few times each month. Even couples who do not end up in divorce courts cite their finances as a source of relationship strife. Conversely, the way you and your spouse save, spend, earn and invest can actually be points of bonding and affection if approached in the right way.

    It is therefore important to manage your money as a team to ensure that you have a stronger, more fulfilling relationship. Understanding your partner’s spending habits will also help you get to know one another better? Think that the eyes are a mirror to one’s soul? Finances may be an even better bet. “Each of our saving and spending habits is a reflection of who we are, how we grew up and our general perception of life.”

    Delegating money tasks is another way to build trust and improve communication. While it is common for money to be a source of suspicion and resentment in relationships, it can also be a tool cementing the bonds of your relationship.

    This reminds you of the song, ‘Aint Nothing Goin but the rent’ by Gwen Guthrie, the American singer, songwriter and pianist who stole the show in the mid 80s. Naturally, the song took lovebirds to reality zone, talking about the materialistic side of love. “You’ve got to have a j-o-b if you want to be with me/No romance without finance.” The song which was also sampled by numerous dance and hip hop artists is referenced in Eddy Murphy’s monologue, “No Romance without finance’.

    An example of emotions gone blank, lost in the affectionate vault happened a few weeks back with Madonna and her ex-husband, Guy Ritchie.

    Interestingly, Guy Ritchie just had a lavish wedding ceremony and you would have expected that he wouldn’t want to ‘upset’ his new bride scrolling back to the emotional events of the past.

    Obviously he had a post dated cheque that needed to be cashed and so Rocco’s 15th birthday could not be ignored. It was a low-key affair but you wonder how low-key an affair it can be when Madonna was there.

    A short video clip showed Madonna, her former husband, their other son David presenting Rocco with a huge cake as they sing ‘Happy Birthday’

    together in love.

    Madonna also posted a cute picture of herself and Rocco as a baby, captioning it “15 years have gone by too quickly!! Happy birthday, son!”

    That was not all. They were actually reunited for one night only.

    Divorced seven years ago – and there’s been a few digs from both sides since they separated in 2008 –  but Guy Ritchie and Madonna put their differences behind them to celebrate their son Rocco’s 15th birthday as a one big happy-ish family.

    Sadly, neither Madonna nor Guy has had many good things to say about their eight years together. Earlier this year the queen of pop spoke candidly about how she felt trapped in her marriage. She told The Sun: “There were times when I felt incarcerated. I wasn’t really allowed to be myself.”

    However, the positive side of the emotional story is that they managed to bury the hatchet for this big occasion.

  • Stretch the limit

    A good house (heart) to or for let? Yes, that is exactly what Ada needs right now. Her rent (love) expired about five months ago and ever since she has been having nightmares about eviction. In the past few weeks, she has been combing the neighborhood in search for a new house (heart). The old one was really clumsy, bogus and unattractive. Now, what she desires is a real house or better still a home. In the process of searching for this dream house, our dear friend came across all kinds of apartments. The good, the bad, as well as the ugly.

    While some did not fit into her choice, others were exciting, cost a fortune and were actually too good to be real. The most interesting find was a bungalow with lawns and gardens. It looked cute, cosy and charming. Something you may describe as the best bargain because the price was also right. It didn’t take her time to settle for the haven, but somehow just while she was about to sign the agreement (dotted lines), something told her to have a second visit.

    Unlike the first time she visited the place, it was a rainy day. Everywhere and everything was wet. To her utmost surprise, the house looked different. Perhaps, she was in the wrong place. No, she wasn’t. Here she realised that the house was not what the agent (matchmaker) presented to her. Oh my God! This is a wrong bargain, how could she have fallen in love with this trash at first sight?

    Luckily, there was no guide and she got the opportunity to scrutinise the house herself. Her findings broke the heart. Everything was upset down. The roof was leaking seriously; the walls she saw earlier on had changed. It was wallpaper and it was now drenched with the rain and looking horrible. The door handle, she fell in love with, had been removed and there were so many other gaps.

    It was all a ruse. Now, she must begin the search all over again. This isn’t a house not to talk of a home. Like the house search, getting a heart that you like is not as easy as a lot of people think it is. It is better to double check to be sure that what you are clutching, clinging onto or desiring is not emotional garbage. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you may still get trapped in the emotional web of falsehood. When you get to this emotional crossroads, there is no point pretending that you do not feel the pain.

    The truth of the matter is that the pain is real. To move on, it is therefore better to address it, look for alternatives and refocus. Not so fast though. You also need to be very careful at this point because you may end up running with another wolf. Wolves hanging round for desperate minds and hearts. The best therapy, however, is to take a step at a time, no need to rush. Running from the emotional pillar to post reminds you of the book ‘Waiting for Godot’ by Samuel Beckett.  The journey to nowhere is more painful and worse than the first pain. Even if all you desire at the hurting stage is about ending the pain, you must look before leaping. If you are careless, there is tendency to leap from the emotional frying pan into fire.

    A better emotional bargain is likely to happen when you have come through the process, seen and analysed the odds and you are ready to conquer a better heart. Tears? Yes, they are an essential part of the process; it doesn’t matter if it is the crocodile’s or dove’s variety. It purges the heart and the soul searching process gives you new directions. Getting on a steady platform is better when you allow yourself to express all of the feelings instead of suppressing and denying the fact that it is all over.

    It is important to appreciate the fact that pain that cannot be cured or changed must be endured. If you take this to other levels and compare notes with other leaking hearts, you would discover that you are not alone. A lot of hearts have been broken, yet what matters most is how you rate yourself as well as the extent of the damage. You can take it to another level and compare your heart with a broken mug. The mug can be a beautiful souvenir (heart), a gift that is precious and now it has been broken to pieces like the typical chinaware. Like humpty dumpty, you are never going to fix the pieces together again.

    Conversely, if the mug (heart) in question cracks a little, then you can still salvage the treasure and grudgingly take a sip (love) or two from it once in a while. Consolation here is that it is not totally lost. Sadly, it is only a matter of time. That crack is going to get bigger and nobody is going to keep it in your possession when the time comes. At that point, yawning hearts (the dustbin) would gladly accept. A new mug? No, not another mug. What you need is a cup made with steel; something that you would be sure would stand the test of the emotional time.

  • Better to be the emotional thermostat

    Looking for a partner? Yes, that is the feeling for many out there. The desire at this point is to magnetise that dream man or woman. The expectation is also usually very high. First of all, we look for the perfect image; someone who looks good and has a good carriage. For lovebirds that are lucky, they find the kind of soul mate that they desire but unfortunately for them, they later discover that the emotional search has only just begun. This is because a great face and good physical attributes do not necessarily translate into a great heart.

    Relationship problems are hardly anything that we want to experience in our relationships, but they are an inevitable part of spending time with another person. The crux of the matter here is that nobody is really perfect and it’s impossible for anyone to actually be perfect. And, realistically, why would you want to be with someone who is or appears to be? There’s no growth and learning that comes out of that. Life like love is indeed a learning curve; a combination of the good, the bad and the ugly. You try, try and try again.

    Patiently, you can get the other person to see the bad spots and together make a difference. When we tend to have the desire to want to “change” our partner forcefully, then there would be some resentments or confusion. Our action here stems from this inner desire to control the other person. It’s rooted in the thinking that “they” are the ones who need to change and not ourselves.

    This is a distorted belief that stems from our ego (fear-based mind), which blocks us from truly experiencing real genuine love. So it is important for us to be willing to recognise our own desires to control or change your partner and set the intention to let it go whenever it comes up.

    Even when your heart is not in control, you just have to be smart and not become a desperado. Solomon loved Aderinola so much and like the thermometer, all he did was to monitor the emotional temperature from time to time. Unfortunately, the lover boy was not in control. In a relationship, it is better to function like the thermostat and not the thermometer (mugu) if you must be in control.

    The thermostat senses the temperature so that the system’s temperature is maintained near a desired set point. The thermostat does this by switching heating or cooling devices on or off, or regulating the flow of a heat transfer fluid as needed, to maintain the correct temperature. Modern thermostats interestingly are almost exclusively digital, but in the past what we had were non-digital thermostat.

    To love someone means to accept the other person for who they truly are – flaws and all. Even the heart that you so desperately crave forgets to say happy birthday, waste money or things you do not like or talks too much in public, you just have to love him or her. Unfortunately, a lot of people find it so hard to accept the other heart this way. They argue and argue over the same things all the time. Instead of getting the change they desire, the other heart gets hardened and gradually they begin to fall apart.

    A school of thought actually describes love as a battlefield, but anyone with emotional wisdom and skill would know how to maneuvre the emotional process without stress. Once you master the ‘tricks’, you would also be able to help others get through their emotional challenges. On your finger tips would be skills of how to cure a broken heart, make someone jealous, or just ease your own loneliness,

    If you want to be successful in your relationship, it is better to always look at the pros and cons of every decision you take or intend to take. If the outcome is good, then we all smile but if it is the other way round, then it is important to think of alternatives that you give that soft landing desired.

    For instance, when you choose to date or marry someone, you’re not necessarily choosing the person. Rather, you’re choosing the problems that you want to deal with that emerge in your relationship with that person.

    Let’s face it: When we’re in a relationship problems are inevitable. No matter how hard we try we simply just can’t avoid them. When we’re with one person the problems may be much more challenging and difficult than with another person – but it doesn’t meant that there aren’t any. It’s simply the bye-product of being in a relationship.

    Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, states that 69% of the problems that we deal with in our relationships are never solved. What determines whether the couple stays together or not relies on whether both people are able to accommodate and accept the traits and characteristics of their partner that irritate them.

    Seeing that statistic can be pretty disheartening, but it can also be empowering, because it shows the importance of taking personal responsibility. We have the power to control our own behaviour, actions and reactions. And we have a choice as to how we want to behave and even if we want to be in a relationship with a person with that one trait that drives you crazy.

  • Scratching old wounds

    THE sore on her left arm was healing already but it was itching. A little scratch here and there appears to be soothing. Just while she was feeling relieved, it got painful and she was bleeding profusely. For a lot of people, if the wound itches, the tendency is to scratch. Unfortunately, scratching is bad for the healing process. The pain from that old wound reminds her of the emotional wound that she was nursing at the moment.

    For a long time, Nkiru’s desire was to have a good relationship and have the best from the emotional world. That proved abortive and right from school it was tough getting a heart that would melt naturally into hers. Disappointed with the emotional trial and errors that came her way; she finally left school and went for her national service in Enugu.

    Service year was sweet, filled with passionate memories and it was at the peak of it all that she met Chidi. Everything fell in place and it looked like nothing was ever going to change her love for him. “We went everywhere together, laughed around and played like little children. We just could not hide anything from each oother and it looked like this was romance made in heaven. As the days went by, I also discovered that we shared so many things in common and never quarrelled for a day.”

    Then they got to the point where it was important to seal the emotional deal and get things done formally. Nkiru had also chosen a bridal gown design and a number of other plans were in the pipeline. That naturally should have been the best moment in her life but somehow the unexpected happened. Chidi gave her a call and told her that they could not continue with plans for the marriage. Reason: “My father has insisted that I must not marry a Yoruba girl. My mother tried her best to convince him but he remains adamant. Unfortunately, I respect my father so much and I cannot go against his wish. I actually need his blessings for the marriage to be a success.”

    The news hit her like a hammer. It left her dazed for days and even weeks. During this period, she kept hoping that things would change and her dear Chidi would come back to her and says it was all a dream. He didn’t. In the midst of that emotional confusion, she fell ill and went to the hospital. Here, the doctor revealed that Nkiru was expecting a baby for Chidi. She called to tell him about the news and the response was even more devastating than the first experience.

    “You must be dreaming. Your plan is to tie me down against my wish. I am sorry, it won’t work. It is over and you can do whatever you like with the baby.” Nkiru decided to keep the baby while Chidi vanished into thin air. It was tough but luckily her mother and friend, Dorcas, stood by her. After that experience, she became very hard on all the guys that came her way. She went back to school and had two masters and went on to pursue her PhD. On the job, she was flying really high and she had many suitors on her trail. As far as she was concerned, they were all inconsequential. Her son, Donald, was doing very well in school and he was the apple of her eyes. She loved him so much while the boy adored her.

    Life for Nkiru was complete but somehow friends and family would not let her be. The song on their lips was “Nkiru, you need a man in your life.” She finally found Tade, an accountant who attended church with her. To her utmost surprise, he had never been married too. He had a good family pedigree and was very simple. His two sisters were also very wonderful and in a short while the wedding bell rang.

    The two of them had been emotional victims with wounds inflicted by hearts they once loved. It was therefore a turning point and the emotional wounds of the past began to heal. About two years after the marriage, Nkiru had a daughter for Tade but somehow she began to notice something strange about her man. He had mood swings and there are times he gets so agitated and violent. He managed to cope but the major casualty was her son, Donald. Her husband and her son just did not get along and it made her really sad.

    One morning, they argued over something and Tade smashed the windscreen of the car the boy was going to take out. Nkiru quickly got out of bed to intervene and he smashed her head with a big stick. It was after this experience that one of Tade’s sisters opened up, telling her that he suffered from depression when his former girlfriend deserted him. At this point, he was sad and remorseful. This was really dangerous but she just cannot abandon her Tade now. He needs her more than ever, after all the agreement was till death do them part. Donald would go and stay with her mum so that Tade can have more attention.

  • Climbing to a sky lit with diamonds

    WHAT a day! First she had to argue with that naughty girl in the office, then she discovered that one of the files on her table was missing and the last straw was having to deal with the shouting match with Mobola, her childhood friend, over prized jewellery that was lost over the weekend. Bridget was just a few minutes away from home, yet she was bugged down with the day’s activities and much more. The last hurdle was climbing the pedestrian bridge to the other side of the road. It’s longer but safer; the shorter option of dashing across is nothing but suicidal.

    One leg at a time, no need to rush, after all she was heading to bed and there is no deadline for bedtime. Each step made her gasp for breath, could this be because she hadn’t been consistent (faithful) with her exercise regimen? Almost out of breath, she finally made it to the top of the bridge with cramps.

    The pain vanished almost immediately. The scenery up here was simply marvellous. The sky is so beautiful and stars are shinning like diamonds. Memorable, because diamonds should be forever. It got her thinking of about the risk to people who are used to jettisoning  bridges (physical and emotional), cutting down safety barricades only to become causalities.

    For her, climbing the emotional skies with her dearest wasn’t a child’s play at all. It was rough and tough but she was determined to make it against the odds.

    It is not over yet but it looked like she had conquered the first part of the hurdle. As she continued the remaining part of the journey home, she began to interpret the crisis, the close shaves and scandals in the pipeline. Though all seemed to be ending well, the script did not go as planned. Like some of her friends, she got carried away with those romantic tales; tales that you read about in story books and wish for. Dreamers! That was what her smart friends (defiant pedestrians) called them. This group ran around with guys on campus, cutting the barricades and painting everywhere in emotional colours. She was reserved and different. Temptations? Yes, there were a couple of smart guys around but she was in charge and on top of the game.

    It was in her final year that she met Solape and he was a great compensation indeed. A great heart, he promised to wait and he did just that. That made Bridget to love him even more, rare to find a real gentleman in this time and age.

    Exams were over and the only thing left was her project. She had worked on it half way and needed to see her supervisor for some clarifications. The issues were discussed the following day in his office and he made the necessary corrections. Then something unusual happened – he raped her and she was devastated. It was too sad to be true. How can an emotional thief (stealing from the pedestrians on the bridge) take what she had been saving for her dear Solape?  She couldn’t tell anyone but almost everybody knew that something was wrong with her.

    It got worse when she discovered that she was pregnant two months after. It was just too much to bear. How does she go about telling everyone that she was pregnant for her supervisor? How do you keep a baby for a man who already has three wives (wolves), women who would be ready to tear her to pieces? How do you live with a man you detest so much? No, this cannot be an option at all. She got depressed keeping it all to herself.

    The only viable option was to get rid of it. What if it goes wrong? What if she dies in the process? She had so many questions riveting on her mind with no answers. She finally got some money to sort out the unwanted pregnancy. A few days before the act was done, she had a nightmare. To be or not to be! Keeping the bastard was worse and so she walked into the theatre and it was done. A few weeks after, she noticed that the bleeding was severe and she went back to see the doctor. He promised to rectify the problem. How much? “No, don’t worry, I would take care of that,” he volunteered. The treatment commenced for about three weeks and on one of those days whilst he was carrying out the routine checks, he tried to take advantage of her.

    Not again! Once bitten twice shy! Bridget quickly jumped out of the bed and struggled with the doctor turned emotional lunatic. Luckily, she escaped from this one. You can’t take meat near a dog and expect it (dog) to look the other way. He was obviously fascinated by her body from the outset. She never went back there again. Was she okay now? That was not the issue anymore; she can’t afford to complicate her life further. As it is, there is so much that she would be keeping away from her dear Solape. He actually proposed to her last night and the plan is to get married this Christmas. Should she tell him all that has happened or remain silent forever?

  • From French kiss to French leave

    A peck on the cheek? Not quite, it certainly is much more than that. Muah! Welcome to the emotional clouds, the best example of the sound of a kiss. The French kiss which gives the sound of your lips when you kiss in a very passionate process. This is the interjection or what literary minds would refer to as the onomatopoeia for a kiss.

    A compassionate kisser is confident and can easily interpret the affectionate notes. French kissing almost always leads to more intimate behaviour,’ kisses’  that stir up feelings in your partner. However, it is better done with someone you care about and it’s really not fair to get someone all worked up just to send him or her away wanting. It is not about dreaming but being in it for the long haul.

    The French kiss is therefore a timeless expression of romantic passion, something we have all seen or experienced at one time or the other. An exciting and intimate moment between two people who are attracted to one another, and a symbol of that passion. Experts would readily tell you that the French kiss is not a science; it is an art that is open to the interpretation of all who partake.

    About two years ago, Ronke got entangled with Biodun and he literarily swept her off her feet. It was a season for deep kisses; a very passionate experience which she thought was going to last forever. Sadly, the kissing spree lasted for about fifteen months only. It took her up the emotional hill, panting and asking for more like Oliver Twist. Just while she was savouring the bliss, he discovered another kissing partner. Time to say goodbye? No, there wouldn’t be an opportunity to say goodbye. All she can remember now is that their love had gone cold. What she thought was love wasn’t really love.

    “I got into a relationship with my cousin’s (Soji) best friend. They were both classmates and best of pals. Each time they came home together, Soji marketed his friend’s love for me and gradually I fell for Biodun.” The matchmaker worked on her and she fell for the cheap lies.  She staggered around, drunk in love and thanking her stars for conquering such a heart.

    “He was such a wonderful person to be with and we went almost everywhere together. It was a wonderful experience, but somehow Mr. Right was slow in making any concrete commitment and he just wasn’t ready to settle down. We talked about it a couple of times but Biodun kept on saying that he needed to take care of his financial needs so that we do not get in trouble in future.”

    Tired of complaining, she switched over to the proverbial side of the emotional bone as the patient dog. One afternoon, she stopped at a restaurant to have lunch. As she walked into the place, she saw her sweetheart wrapped in the arms of another woman. “Biodun, please what’s happening here?” she queried. Guilty?

    No, not really. “Do you think that you are going to achieve so much by trailing me or monitoring my movement? You can’t force me to marry you against my wish. Hope you understand that.” His voice changed and that voice did not sound like someone that was in love with her at all. All this meant was that she had been wasting precious time with emotional lip service.

    Better to abandon this heart for the new heart keeper. She tried to make an emotional U-turn. Not so fast! Her rival who had been staring at her with green eye envy moved towards her, charging like a wounded lioness. “So you are the one that has been causing me nightmares? I would deal with you now.”

    It turned out to be a real nightmare, worse because all her life, she had never fought over a man. In a short while they became the cynosure of all eyes; she found herself in an emotional brawl with a wild cat. You can’t afford to play the fool here. Panting and swearing, her rival fought with everything, her nails, teeth and legs inclusive. By the time the bloody fight was over, her clothes were in shreds and her body was sore. Luckily, some kind folks intervened and rescued her from this desperate ‘Dracula’.

    End of the road. Now her heart is emotional sabbatical. That chapter was not just closed but it left her crying and crying for a lost heart. Where exactly did she go wrong? How come she did not know that she was just a spare? Why did she get carried away with the kiss? The emotional theatre had moved on and she was the only cast that did not have a role to play.

    Life and love, like Shakespeare said, are, indeed, stages. Emotional actors should be on standby, ready to play their role at the right time. That, interestingly, is the only way you can make the best of the emotional stage. Once you are missing in action, not in control, another character may just take over your role. Could this be a better cast? The crux of the matter here is that nobody is truly indispensable.

  • Awesome cobbler and his jinx

    IT was one of those parties that you were given a long notice. Ordinarily, you expect that preparations would be very smooth. Yes, Doris actually got everything right. The only snag was the pair of shoes for the combination that she finally settled for. The best bet would be to get something new, and two days before the d-day, she went searching for something exciting. Somehow, she discovered that the kind of shoe she desired was elusive.

     Each time she saw something that matched her taste, it was either too big or too small. Just when she thought of giving up, Doris finally found a red (hot) pair in gloss. It was really cute but as she tried it on, it was a bit tight in front.  Are we having problems walking in this pair? Certainly! The best thing to do would have been to drop it and continue the search. No way, she could make some adjustments here and there and mange it. It was just too good to let go. It has a nice ribbon in front and the heel was well structured for the swag intended.

    All that was required was the creativity of the cobbler two streets away from home. He would do some expansion here and there and that settled it. All the way home, her mind was on the ‘expansion’ plan. Luckily, the cobbler was still in his shack and he promised to handle the shoe nicely. Surprisingly, he delivered the shoe and it looked really good on her. Smiling like a queen, she felt good at the party cat-walking to show that she actually had the world at her beck and call.

    Compliments galore. Everybody loved what she had on. ‘You sure have an eye for good things, dear.’ ‘Where did you get this fantastic pair of shoes?’ ‘I am coming to take the pair after the party.’ Sadly, it was at this point that the shoe on the right leg gave way. What an embarrassment. It opened in front revealing all the patchwork done by her cobbler. The red hot pair messed up big time and she tried to find a way to hide her legs. However, two naughty kids just would not let her be.

    Worse still, two kids pointed in her direction chanting: ‘patch, patch, tear, tear omo babe shoemaker.’ Oh dear! This is a great miscalculation, indeed. Everything around was not looking good, not smelling nice or tasting right. The red pair wasn’t hot anymore and she hid her legs under the table looking for a substitute. The cobbler had added an old leather to her glossy read and the combination was faulty. You can’t combine the original with a counterfeit and expect everything to be alright.

    Like the shoe cobbler, a lot of times hearts get stuck with emotional cobblers. Unfortunately, there is no point stretching a heart that has already been overstretched. Here, the crux of the matter is that some things in our relationships have always been there. We saw the signs and symptoms from the outset but somehow we get carried away with the fanciful side; the looks, gesticulations, the things that do not really sustain the relationship in the long run. So you move on consoling yourself that things would ultimately get better, everything would fall in place and the other heart would melt into yours. Humh! Didn’t we almost have it all? Yes, that comes when you get exasperated. Here, you are confronted with the patches, the differences and the fact that it had been an emotional watercolour all along.

    The death of E’Dena Hines, the 33-year-old step-granddaughter of actor Morgan Freeman,  killed in a horrifying attack in New York last Sunday comes to mind.

    Her live-in boyfriend, Lamar Davenport, 30, was arrested by police at the scene and taken to New York Presbyterian Hospital for psychological evaluation after eyewitnesses reported seeing him stabbing her repeatedly in the chest with a hunting knife on a Manhattan pavement.

    Local resident, George Hudacko, described the scene as “an exorcism.” Davenport could be heard shouting, “Get out, devils! I cast you out, devils! In the name of Jesus Christ, I cast you out!” as he viciously attacked her at 3am. Law enforcement officers told the paper Davenport “may have been high on cocaine at the time.”

    Hines, whose grandmother Jeanette Adair Bradshaw was Morgan Freeman’s first wife, was pronounced dead at Harlem Hospital shortly after the stabbing.

    She became very close to the Oscar-winning actor and a regular on the red carpet with her dear step grandpa. Controversy about this very close relationship was rife with tabloids making so much noise about them having an affair and planning to get married. At last, Freeman was once forced to deny a romantic relationship with Hines and she moved on. Love can be really silly. How can she fall in love with her grandma’s pal (oversize shoes)? Could she have stepped into grandma’s oversized love shoes for love or just for the fun of it?

    It was better to dump the emotional ‘loot’. This took her to another loot that was a potential time bomb. All she needed was some time and space. Sadly, just when you thought she had walked out of this emotional jinx, she strolled into another. A younger heart (undersized shoe), too energetic and volatile (no thanks to drugs), instead of celebrating the love opportunity, chopped her to pieces.

  • Recycle your emotional waste

    Garbage in, garbage out. This naturally means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This perhaps talks about the ideal situation in love; the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’s song: ‘When somebody loves you back.’ He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors, as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal, but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

    Yet no reply and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here, for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this. She had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead, and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that; all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts, but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river, you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • No strings attached

    THE chicken moved around looking for something to peck at. It was young, beautiful and restless. The first move was to hang around Mr. A, but, somehow, there was not chemistry here. Instead, Mr. A looked for a big stick, indicating that pretty Chickens (chics) are not welcomed here. Of course, that signal meant that the chic should look for someone who would appreciate the gestures. So it walked towards Mr. B and he poured some of the biscuit crumbs on the ground and it swooped on it.

     Like Oliver Twist, our pretty young chic waited, asking for more. And like a cheerful giver, Mr. B gave more biscuits. Two can play? Just before the answer came, he noticed that a tiny piece of rag had been tied around the right leg. Oh no! This rope means something that won’t make it easy tagging along with his impulse. That was not the only sign of ownership. A red paint was visible on the left leg too.

    Haba! All this for identification? Why not! You go all the way to give a tag to something you love, cherish and adore. Even if it strays, the message here is ‘don’t touch, don’t trespass and don’t take away’. Unfortunately, a number of chics are roaming aimlessly around without any form of identification. The crux of the matter here is that if you allow your chic to roam about and you cannot identify it, then it may be missing for a while or gone forever.

    This is exactly what happened to two lovebirds recently. Hardest hit by the emotional miscalculations is our dear Shewa and she is feeling bad because everyone thought she was too slow in the emotional process. Though she has come to terms with the break up, she is still finding it difficult to create space for a new romance.

    The damsel met Kunle on campus and they had a wonderful relationship. He assisted her with her studies and they complemented each other in different ways. They were very close, but somehow Kunle made no promises. It was a very cordial relationship and Shewa did not allow him more than a nuzzle in public. On his part, Kunle played the role of the good guy and never attempted to take advantage of his adorable chic.

    They graduated and both passed out in flying colours. Barely two years after, Kunle got a scholarship and he had to travel out of the country for the proverbial greener pastures. When he broke the news to Shewa, she was devastated. Her friend, Morenike, was also afraid for her: “You know all these guys, the way they behave once you are out of sight. I hope you are not going to lose this guy after all you have done for him.”

    No way! Her dear Kunle won’t do that, she consoled herself. Time certainly would tell. On the day he was travelling out, Kunle stopped by at Shewa’s place to say goodbye and he asked her to see him off to the airport. That was a great reassurance, indeed. Looks like she was the queen of the emotional Manor, after all. There was no other girl in sight, or so it seemed. She began to imagine that their love letters and phone calls would crisscross the globe. She also imagined how she was going to stash these memorable love notes in her dresser drawer. The last set of imaginations that ran riot was when she would finally be reunited with him in Nigeria or having to travel over to join him where he was.

    Dreaming? Why not? It is better to dream sometimes. She got back home late that night. Her love was airborne and possibly thinking about her too. This distant relationship was just for a while, ‘everything was going to be alright’, she consoled herself and smiled. Her smile lit up the room and her eyes creased with joy. Sleep finally came and she saw her sweetheart in dreamland. Good omen? Sadly, the days ran into weeks, months and years but there were no calls, nor letters.

    From friends, she got the ‘didn’t I warn you?’ signal. The only information that sipped in came from Kunle’s mother. “Hello, my dear. How are you doing? Please take good care of yourself, mix and have new friends. I don’t want you to get too worried. We haven’t also heard from him directly, he just sent a friend to us recently. Please don’t wait for kunle o. You know all these men can be very funny, you cannot vouch for them. When I was about your age, I escorted my boyfriend to the airport and I knew it was over. I married the next guy that came my way. That was how Kunle’s father came into the picture, so be sharp my dear.”

    The old woman was just playing smart; she knew her son had put someone in the family way. There would be no letters, no calls and their romance was history. After all there were no strings attached from the outset. She simply did not read in between the lines.