The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Making the wrong choice

    A number of times, we like to be nice to the other person. At such moments, we believe that our silence would be golden. Unfortunately, this is not always the case because the other person continues to take you for granted.

    Too bad, how come what you have been avoiding is happening to you? Could it have been better if you had had the confrontations earlier on? Is it a fallout of the words you aren’t saying, the red flags you’re ignoring or those eggshells you’re tiptoeing around? If our happiness is chronic and unending, then maybe we aren’t addressing something that needs to be seen.

    He had put in so much in a relationship that turned out to be the worst experience in his life. He got blamed for things he knew nothing about and just when he thought it was better to tell his own side of the story, he got reprimanded again and again. His heart certainly had been raked over the coals and he just does not know where to start from.

    Friends and foes all think he must travel that route again and they begin to give him tips and likely options. His heart was still blank. Naturally, an old flame came to mind. Great idea, they had some unfinished business that was interrupted by a rude heart. It was a sad experience because the intruder did not fill the vacuum that he left behind. Instead, he created a bigger hole in the heart of the girl he really loved and abandoned her in a lonely emotional corridor.

    Yes, he was still in love with that babe but again so many ‘stinking’ waters have passed through these emotional waters. The truth of the matter is that Cynthia is not likely to be the same again. Her heart has been battered so badly and then she may also be feeling guilty about making the wrong choice. Those who have seen her recently also say that she has become a shadow of her former self and it won’t be easy rediscovering love in this battered terrain.

    So, he concluded that it was better to move on and allow this sleeping ’emotional ‘dog to find love elsewhere or rest in emotional peace.

    To survive on the emotional terrain, you just have to keep the flame burning nicely. Two wonderful hearts at the beginning have warmth, but as time goes on the warmth within may just not be enough to keep you going and soaring to your dream heights.

    You must replenish with coals that would make you glow and burn nicely. You can only do this when the heart that you are cruising with is compatible and when the charcoal of affection is of good quality. The heat from such this emotional tangle must be mild, warm and soothing. However, if the heat is harsh and wild, then you are in for trouble. You are not likely to find emotional peace except you get a fire extinguisher to set you free.

    Now, it was obvious that he had been chasing shadows and that earned him so much criticism and frustration. A new emotional flame certainly sounds better, fresh, as well as untainted. This sounds better and he just cannot afford to go though the experience he had been through in the past. Falling in love with Cynthia had actually cost him so much and at a point he almost thought it would be impossible to move on with the pieces.

    When you rake someone over the coals, you criticise them severely for something that they have done. You reprimand them for some wrongdoing.

    Raking people over the coals was something that was practiced in Europe a few centuries ago. If people suspected that you were practicing witchcraft, or that you didn’t believe in things that the church said, then you were accused of being a heretic and dragged over red-hot coals of a slow fire. If you survived the ordeal, then you were declared innocent. If you didn’t, well it was just too bad.

    It is therefore important to understand the issues as well as how to handle it properly. If you’re keeping score in your relationship, then there will always be a loser. You’ll never have a 50/50 split, right down the middle, through each and every season. And if your scorecard is full of markings and deductions from the past  like that time he stormed out and you felt abandoned, then you’re sowing the seeds of resentment. It’s better to let go, and let it be.

    One important fact is that every relationship requires sacrifice and compromise. It also includes taking care of yourself, enforcing your boundaries, making time for the things and people who bring you joy, and prioritising your needs.

  • A different kettle of fish

    DAYO is a woman with a bleeding heart. She was in a relationship for three years and had so many expectations about it. Just when she was thinking of how life would be together, the man walked away with a lady who lived adjacent to her house. Heartbroken, she decided not to fish for another heart again. Five months after, a brand new heart came along and the chemistry was just right. They worked in the same building and they saw each other on a regular basis. They got engaged the following year and marriage plans were in top gear. Now that she had found love, she looked more radiant and attractive. Two weeks to her wedding day, she got a call from her fiancé’s cousin that he died in a car crash. She was devastated and her world came crashing like a pack of cards.

    During the week, yours truly read about the story of a woman with a similar experience. This heart just could not bear the loss and so she killed herself. It was obvious that she loved him so much and just could not imagine what life would be like without the love of her life. Can you imagine a woman jumping to her death barely an hour after her man dies? Well, that was exactly what she did.

    This 36-year-old woman committed suicide by jumping from the eighth floor of her Noida flat on Tuesday. According to Noida police and residents of Prateek Laurel in Sector 119 where the couple lived, her husband Anurag Aggarwal (39) was rushed to Fortis Hospital following complaints of chest pain Tuesday afternoon.

    “He died in the hospital after a cardiac arrest at 2 pm. His wife, Monica Aggarwal (36), jumped from the balcony at around 3 pm. She was rushed to a hospital where she was declared brought in dead. The couple have a six-year-old daughter,” said Deputy Superintendent of Police (Noida City) Anoop Kumar.

    Interestingly, Monica is not alone. In a similar incident that happened about a week earlier, Assistant Commissioner of Police Amit Singh allegedly shot himself with his service revolver. Upset over his death, his wife also jumped from the balcony of their fourth floor residence in Noida’s Sector 100, minutes later. Two days after the incident, she succumbed to injuries. They are survived by an 18-month-old daughter.

    Modern day Romeo and Juliet! That is what comes to mind here. Most hearts in this position do not last a day apart. Even old couples who have lived with one another for decades have shown that they are irrelevant without the heart they promised to love till death do them apart. They just cannot afford to stay on when the heart that they cherish pass away. For this group of people, it is nothing but total love.

    The first thing that comes to mind here would be how you get the best from a relationship. How do you connect with a heart that is sincere and really loves you? The crux of the matter is that there are no straight answers to these emotional questions. A lot of times, it is a game of luck, chance as well as winning the right heart.

    Experts inform that in true love, the development of self is the most important ingredient for success. In this case, what you observe is that in the relationship both parties should want the best for one another. Conversely, what you get in toxic love is quite different. Here, the primary focus is on the relationship itself, sometimes the parties involved would obsess over how the two people involved interface in the relationship.

    For hearts that are liberal and genuine, the best thing you crave for is true love. Here you can be sure of comfort in separate interests. The experience would be great; you also have your own friends and meaningful relationships outside of such romantic relationships. In addition to all this, you also discover that there is excitement because you can pursue interests and ideas without fear of reprimand.

    It is different kettle of fish with love that is toxic. Even though there is total involvement in one another’s lives, one can’t go anywhere without the other. This is codependency that brings no result. Here, there is an obsession with trying to change your partner into someone you’d rather be with instead of loving them for who they are. Sadly, the conversations in this type of relationship are intended to blame, defend, or manipulate your partner.

    As you explore their world, you find a lot of strains and pressure. For instance, sex for the couple would be something they feel pressured over due to fear, insecurity. The feeling therefore would be as though they have to conform to the sexual desires of their partner.

    However, if what you are experiencing is true love, there would be no struggle in embracing the individuality of the other person. You are dealing with hearts that are matured, intimacy is a free choice that grows from love and trust, caring and friendship. In true love, every conversation is constructive, the hearts concerned are trying to understand and help, or convey affection to the hearts that they treasure.

  • Memorable love notes

    THE chicken moved around looking for something to peck at. It was young, beautiful and restless. The first move was to hang around Mr. A, but somehow there was no chemistry here. Instead, Mr. A looked for a big stick indicating that pretty chickens (chics) are not welcomed here. Of course, that signal meant that the chic should look for someone who would appreciate the gestures. So, it walked towards Mr. B and he poured some of the biscuit crumbs on the ground and it swooped on it.

     Like Oliver Twist, our pretty young chic waited, asking for more, and like a cheerful giver, Mr. B gave more biscuits. Two can play? Just before the answer came, he noticed that a tiny piece of rag had been tied around the right leg. Oh no! This rope means something that won’t make it easy tagging along with his impulse. That was not the only sign of ownership. A red paint was visible on the left leg too.

    Haba! All this for identification? Why not! You go all the way to give a tag to something you love, cherish and adore. Even if it strays, the message here is don’t touch, don’t trespass and don’t take away. Unfortunately, a number of chics are roaming aimlessly around without any form of identification. The crux of the matter here is that if you allow your chic to roam about and you cannot identify it, then it may be missing for a while or gone forever.

    This is exactly what happened to two lovebirds recently. Hardest hit by the emotional miscalculations is our dear Shewa and she is feeling bad because everyone thought she was too slow in the emotional process. Though she has come to terms with the break up, she is still finding it difficult to create space for a new romance.

    The damsel met Kunle on campus and they had a wonderful relationship. He assisted her with her studies and they complemented each other in different ways. They were very close, but somehow Kunle made no promises. It was a very cordial relationship and Shewa did not allow him more than a nuzzle in public. On his part, Kunle played the role of the good guy and never attempted to take advantage of his adorable chic.

    They graduated and both passed in flying colours. Barely two years after, Kunle got a scholarship and he had to travel out of the country for the proverbial greener pastures. When he broke the news to Shewa, she was devastated. Her friend, Morenike, was also afraid for her: “You know all these guys, the way they behave once you are out of sight. I hope you are not going to lose this guy after all you have done for him.”

    No way! Her dear Kunle won’t do that, she consoled herself. Time certainly will tell. On the day he was travelling out, Kunle stopped by at Shewa’s place to say goodbye and he asked her to see him off to the airport. That was a great reassurance indeed. Looks like she was the queen of the emotional manor after all. There was no other girl in sight or so it seemed. She began to imagine that their love letters and phone calls would crisscross the globe. She also imagined how she was going to stash these memorable love notes in her dresser drawer.The last set of imaginations that ran riot was when she would finally be reunited with him in Nigeria or having to travel over to join him where he was.

    Dreaming? Why not? it is better to dream sometimes. She got back home late that night. Her love was airborne and possibly thinking about her too. This distance relationship was just for a while, ‘everything, I’m going to be alright’, she consoled herself and smiled. Her smile lit up the room and her eyes creased with joy. Sleep finally came and she saw her sweetheart in dreamland. Good omen? Sadly, the days ran into weeks, months and years but there was no call and no letters.

    From friends, she got the ‘didn’t I warn you’ signal. The only information that sipped in came from Kunle’s mother. “Hello, my dear. How are you doing? Please take good care of yourself, mix and have new friends. I don’t want you to get too worried. We haven’t also heard from him directly, he just sent a friend to us recently. Please don’t wait for Kunle o. You know all these men can be very funny, you cannot vouch for them. When I was about your age, I escorted my boyfriend to the airport and I knew it was over. I married the next guy that came my way. That was how Kunle’s father came into the picture, so be sharp my dear.”

    The old woman was just playing smart, she knew her son had put someone in the family way.There would be no letters, no calls and their romance was history. After all, there were no strings attached from the outset. She simply did not read in between the lines.

  • Can of worms

    RHODA was his dream girl. For Aderinola, she fit into the picture nicely and he did his best to make it work. On her part, Rhoda became too arrogant and she did a lot of things without thinking about his feelings. The last straw happened at a friend’s party where she did some unimaginable things with an old flame she ran into at the venue.

    It was disgusting and he made up his mind to initiate the breakup. Looking back now, he realised that in the love process, he was actually on the receiving end. Now, six weeks after the break up, it has been emotionally taxing to end the relationship which had taken so long to build.

    His heart was on fire and he has made up his mind not to allow any woman to do this to him again.  Sadly, the letters, gifts and souvenirs they shared in the past still brought bitter memories. He kept on looking and holding on to them in tears. So he decided to set them all ablaze. In a few seconds, it was all gone, nothing left but the charred remains.

    As he starred at the flames and the charred remains, he felt hot all over and his imaginations ran riot. He slept off shortly afterwards and he was in dreamland. Here, the things he saw were nightmarish. Gut wrenching screams fill the air, the smell of burning hair, putrid stench of flesh and a voice screaming in excruciating pain. Yes, it tells the story about his feelings right now. The heart that he cherished so much has just been burnt, was turning black and the sweet memories that should have lingered were fading.

    Twisting and writhing as the heart burns away, he woke up sweating profusely. Burning is a complex process involving many reactions (physical or chemical) along with complicated air flows. Usually, the rising of hotter air (convection) that drives these air flows makes controlling and following burning patterns difficult.

    One item that comes out refined with fire is gold. Sadly, the signs of the emotional times are different from the emotional gold. It passes through the fire but comes out better and refined. A recent experience between two lovebirds captures the burnt affection that is common now. Banke has been missing for about two weeks. Her parents, relatives and friends combed the neighbourhood for the 25-year-old lady but no one seems to know where she’s gone to.

     How can this young and energetic lady who was on vacation, vanish into thin air? They all wondered.

    Suddenly, the clue everyone had been waiting for came up. Banke’s cousin who travelled a few days before she got missing told her parents a piece of information that became very useful. “While I was travelling that morning, I was Banke with Muyiwa, her boyfriend, at the bus stop. They were going somewhere together but I didn’t have time to talk to them because I was in a hurry. Please let’s call him and find out what happened,” she said.

    The search party continued and all eyes turned in the direction of the lover boy.  Was he in love with her or he was just a gold digger? At the end of the emotional puzzle, a can of worms was revealed. Banke was right; he was the one who actually delivered his babe to a killer gang. Why? All he wanted was the proverbial golden fleece and he was ready to sacrifice love (or was it lust) for personal gains.

    A thorough investigation was carried out and Banke’s body was found the following day. This loving heart had been destroyed, torn to shreds. Parts of her body had been removed and all hell was let loose. Sadly, Muyiwa did not know that his babe was going to be used for ritual. He hadn’t even collected a dime from the old man and his gang.

    “I met this elderly man who said he could help me with my financial state. All I needed to do was to bring someone but he didn’t tell me what they were going to do with the person. I tried looking for someone to take to the old man but I just couldn’t find anyone. That morning Banke called me and something told me that I could go with her. The intention was to hear what they had to say and see if it was something that we could be part of or not.”

    Muyiwa continued his version of the story: “He looked like a good man and I didn’t suspect any foul thing. When I got there, they asked me to leave and that she would join me later. Unfortunately, I didn’t hear from her and that was when I knew that something had gone wrong.”

    On the other hand, you could see that desperation for material gains made him sign off the love of his life like a contract, all because he wanted to make ends meet at all cost. Even if Banke was not killed, so many other things could have happened to her.

    Interestingly, that is the sign of the emotional times. Here, two, and not three, has become a crowd. Everyone is actually after their own, searching for emotional greener pastures but not ready to pay the affectionate price.

  • Once bitten, twice shy

    What a day! First she had to argue with that naughty girl in the office, then she discovered that one of the files on her table was missing and the last straw was having to deal with the shouting match with Mobola, her childhood friend, over prized jewellery that was lost over the weekend. Bridget was just a few minutes away from home, yet she was bugged down with the day’s activities and much more. The last hurdle was climbing the pedestrian bridge to the other side of the road. It’s longer but safer, the shorter option of dashing across is nothing but suicidal.

    One leg at a time, no need to rush, after all she was heading to bed and there is no deadline for bedtime. Each step made her gasp for breath, could this be because she hadn’t been consistent (faithful) with her exercise regimen. Almost out of breath, she finally made it to the top of the bridge with cramps.

    The pain vanished almost immediately. The scenery up here was simply marvellous. The sky is so beautiful and stars are shinning like diamonds. Memorable because diamonds should be forever. It got her thinking of her emotional journey and the torture and turmoil of climbing the emotional skies with her dear Solape. It wasn’t a child’s play at all. Rough and dusty, but she was determined to make it work against the odds.

    It is not over yet, but it looked like she had conquered the first part of the challenge. As she continued the remaining part of the journey home, she began to interpret the emotional circles that she had been in and out. Like some of her friend’s, she got carried away with those romantic tales, tales that you read about in story books and wish for. Dreamer! That was what the other friends, the realists, called them. This group ran around with guys on campus, painting everywhere in emotional colours. She was reserved and her mantra was, ‘please, no messing around here.” Temptations? Yes, there were a couple of smart guys around but she was in charge and on top of the game.

    It was in her final year that she met Solape and he looked like what she dreamt about. He looked good and his attitude to life was great. However, you never can tell with guys. If he really wanted her, then he must wait till the D-day. A great heart, he promised to wait and he did just that. That made Bridget to love him even more; rare to find a real gentleman in this time and age.

    Exams were over and the only thing left was her project. She had worked on it half way and needed to see her supervisor for some clarifications. The issues were discussed the following day in his office and he made the necessary corrections. Then something unsual happened, he raped her and she was devastated. It was too sad to be true. How can an emotional thief cum parasite take what she had been saving for her dear Solape?  She couldn’t tell anyone, but almost everybody knew that something was wrong with her.

    It got worse when she discovered that she was pregnant, two months after. It was just too much to bear. How does she go about telling everyone that she was pregnant for her supervisor? How do you keep a baby for a man who already has three wives (wolves), women who would be ready to tear her to pieces? How do you live with a man you detest so much? No, this cannot be an option at all. She got depressed keeping it all to herself.

    The only viable option was to get rid of it. What if it goes wrong? What if she dies in the process? She had so many questions riveting on her mind with no answers. She finally got some money to sort out the unwanted pregnancy. A few days before the act was done, she had a nightmare. To be or not to be! Keeping the bastard was worse and so she walked into the theatre and it was done. A few weeks after she noticed that the bleeding was severe and she went back to see the doctor. He promised to rectify the problem. How much? “No, don’t worry, I would take care of that’, he volunteered. The treatment commenced for about three weeks and on one of those days whilst he was carrying out the routine checks, he tried to take advantage of her.

    Not again! Once bitten twice shy! Bridget quickly jumped out of the bed and struggled with the doctor turned emotional lunatic. Luckily, she escaped from this one. You can’t take meat near a dog and expect it to look the other way. He was obviously fascinated by her body from the onset. She never went back there again. Was she okay now? That was not the issue anymore; she can’t afford to complicate her life further. As it is, there is so much that she would be keeping away from her dear Solape. He actually proposed to her last night and the plan is to get married this Christmas. Should she tell him all that has happened or remain silent forever?

  • Loving without stress

    How can you really conquer love without stress? For those who have gone through the emotional lawn without stress, have a green affair is as simple as ABC. For Ronke it has not been easy . When it comes to matters of the heart ,she actually preferred to thread with caution.A few months ago, she ran into this charming gentleman in the neighbourhood and ever since he had been all over her.

    Should she say yes or no because of her antecedents with other guys with such disposition. Well, there was no harm in trying and so she opened the window of her heart for the emotional exploration. It was wonderful and he became ‘syrupy’ sweet and somehow she fell into the emotional trap.

    As time went on she began to enjoy his attentions and even began to feel special. Then suddenly , she began to notice that it was all deception and she chickened out of the race. Now that it was over, she wondered if things would have been better if she had not doubt the process.Maybe things would have been better, if she had put more efforts into the process ?

    Like the saying grass greener where you water, things get better in a relationship where you play your part well. A lot of people admired hearts that have been watered by others thinking that it all happened by chance. That is not usually the case.

    The saying interestingly comes from the idea of looking at a neighbors lawn and seeing it as better looking, healthier and overall greener than your own.  It actually shows that a lot of hard work had been put in place and the outcome of the dedication and perseverance by the owner of the emotional lawn has indeed paid off.

    On the other, the reality in many relationships is the fact that partners expects so much and get disappointed when their expectations are not met. Great hearts on the other hand are people who give in so much and yet have expectations that are reasonable, things that their partner can do and have the capacity to do. This way their emotional investments get greener and by the time they turn around to take stock, everything falls in place beautifully. Those who do not ‘water’ their emotional tree end up having withered affection. All they ever did was to argue, complain and see nothing good in the hearts they were meant to love, cherish and adore. In confusion and frustration their sweethearts cannot flourish, they also get hostile and thing would certainly fall apart.

    Here the hearts concerned would keep on ignoring anything negative the new hearts  that the now desire as well as  downplaying everything positive about the relationship they are already in.

    Gbenga has been in and out of four relationships, in less than a year. He kept on admiring his best friend’s girlfriend wishing he could get someone as smart and trendy as she was. “When I told my friend the reasons I broke up with the girl’s, he smiled and told me that his girl wasn’t as perfect as I thought she was. He was actually the one that had been making up for her inadequacies.

    Are you serious? No, you just can’t be true. I have always envied you and wished that I had a girlfriend as smart and beautiful as yours.”The crux of the matter here is that a lot of people expect so much in a relationship without playing their own part. “These explain why some people go out of their way to please the other person even when they are not happy with the decisions they have had to make.

    Gbenga honestly never looked at it that way and now he understands that the emotional grass is always greener on the other side of the fence”.

    David has just ended his four year old relationship with Jessica. He gave that relationship everything he had but somehow the heart in question did not appreciate and value the efforts that he was putting into the relationship. Initially, he didn’t mind because, he imagined that the babe in question was just playing hard to get. However things got to a point where, he just couldn’t take it anymore. He discovered that his sweetheart was hanging out with another buddy and always arrived at her doorstep around midnight.  “She just did not know that I was monitoring her and I waited for the right time to tell her the stuff that she was made up.”

    Remorseful? No she wasn’t. Instead, she threw the garbage back in my court? “What exactly is the matter with you? You go out with your friends and nobody says anything about it? You refuse to pick my calls on a number of occasion and you expect me to sit and wait for you, Mr. Prince charming”.

    Wasn’t it better to iron out the emotional difference at this point? “For God’s sake, when will these double standard stop. No, I don’t think that you are the type of guy that I am looking for. I do not want a man that would give me heartaches, please just go away. I am sick and tired of this relationship?

  • In each other’s corner

    TOLU and Aramide were often more fun and playful in the early stages of their relationship. It looked like a union made in heaven and they were a source of envy to friends and family members.  However, this playful attitude faded gradually as life’s challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Just when they thought they had it all, it melted away.

    The idea of a great relationship is something a lot of people look forward to. Interestingly, it doesn’t always work out this way. In some cases, the lovebirds start a process and things just fall into place nicely. Here, the truth is that a lot of work goes into the process and life is just smooth and exciting.

    If it isn’t, then the emotional war begins and the centre may just never hold again.  One basic thing that we need to understand is the fact that there are different phases in a relationship. Here you go from the good, the bad and then to the ugly sides. Conversely, the relationship (s) may start from the bad side, something you didn’t plan for and did not have high hopes about.

    However, as you move on, you just discover that this is what you have been craving for all along and the relationship metamorphoses into something interesting and splendid. The crux of the matter, however, is that relationships are usually not so predictable but the most important thing is to put in your best to make it work.

    So, the big question would be what it takes to have a successful relationship. The truth, however, is that it takes a lot of dedication, focus, and work. Finding the right person to settle down with can often feel like a very frustrating game of chance. And even when you do find the right one, you’ll still have your work cut out for you as you make an effort to maintain your relationship.

    The best relationship advice, according to experts, is “easy does it.” Too often we get caught up in fear-based needs to control our partner. This pull becomes a destructive compulsion that corrodes the integrity of the relationship. It replaces respect and compassion with anger and resentment. It destroys the quality of our lives and, over time, the relationship.

    This advice has impacted the way many approach romantic relationships, creating a new world or space which later allows for less reactivity, more peace, happiness, and respect.  The classic struggle of all relationships is finding the right calculus in the togetherness-and-autonomy equation. Typically, when a relationship is under stress, one of the partners asks for physical space to break the tension.

    This would naturally reduce the tension and help to bring back lost affection and a process of rediscovery begins.

    The best way to incorporate space is by being proactive and providing emotional rather than physical space. To do this, lovebirds need to give each other the space to be themselves and to have their experiences without trying to control the outcome.

    It calls for a lot of hard work but the rewards are well worth the effort.

    A school of thought believes that things get better when

    “both of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.” What this means is that it is always important to think about how your partner is feeling, try to stand in their shoes and be emotionally generous. The other 10%, they argue, is for the understanding that sometimes it’s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made it clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%”

    A couple that has had a terrific experience shares their success story this way: “I just celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. I definitely think about my spouse’s needs and feelings the majority of the time and try to be compromising. In return, I feel he is 90% thinking of me and how to consider my feelings and be supportive and loving. Sometimes, this means giving something up, but actually most times this means we both get what we want and we both feel very loved, supported, and that we are in each other’s corner. I don’t feel afraid to be giving, because he really has my best interests at heart. We are a terrific team and often we agree on what we want. And when we don’t, we tend to take turns supporting the other’s wants.”

    Conversely, some people think it is better to be selfish to avoid having a broken heart. “It’s not my partner’s job to make me happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Of course it’s easy to feel good when my partner is acting in a way that I want but needing them to be a certain way in order for me to feel good that’s bondage. Thinking that they’re always going to be in a good mood and directing their affectionate attention towards me  while that may be possible during the initial stage of a relationship, is impossible to sustain long-term. I’m responsible for my happiness. My partner is responsible for her happiness. We deliberately focus on things to feel good in our lives and for things to appreciate in each other.”

  • What would be, would be

    GARBAGE in, garbage out. This, naturally, means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This, perhaps, talks about the ideal situation in love; the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’ song: ‘When somebody loves you back’. He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response is even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

     Yet no reply, and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over!” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions, with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this; she had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy, he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part.  He did that just in time, and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that, all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over, and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river; you cannot force anyone to love you. If Love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Swinging like the chandelier

    Hearts, like everything else, come in different categories. Some are large, others are small and ordinary. Like a lamp, your heart would ultimately create an atmosphere that is as unique as your personality. A small heart would definitely not have enough space to attract or accommodate others. However, if you have a heart that is very large, creative, accommodating and reliable, then you can brighten your world as well as the lives of those around you.

    Imagine what you could do in darkness with a torch, a lamp as well as a chandelier! The last option is obviously the most effective as well as the most attractive. Chandeliers are often ornate, and normally use lamps. Crystal chandeliers have more or less complex arrays of crystal prisms to illuminate a room with refracted light. However, you cannot go far with a chandelier whose lamps are faulty and do not refract light.

    This also reminds you of the love song called ‘Chandelier’ by Sia, the Australian singer. The song is the lead single from her sixth album and it offers a different point of view about party girls. The group of jolly good fellows doesn’t get hurt, can’t feel anything and are as mesmerising as the chandelier. Swinging from the chandelier, this heart lives like tomorrow doesn’t exist.

    Chandelier is a song laced with self-reflecting vocals, a haunting melody and tribal escalations that give a solemn feel. What’s more, its lyrics tell us the exact thoughts going on inside a girl with an alcoholism problem. Time and again, she tries to tell herself that she shouldn’t do it anymore, but peer pressure, lust, need for love always brings her back, convincing her that she can handle anything, that she should live life while the moment is there. In one word, addiction.

    Escaping from reality, that is what many think of and that is what takes them to do things that are unrealistic and as well as lead to suicidal tendencies. Hearts in dreamland is what comes to mind at this point as you ponder on hearts and relationships that fit into this description. A romantic experience that takes you to your dreams is everybody’s wish but most times what you see isn’t what you get. Just when you think you’ve found love, it slips away again and then the search begins once more. If you are lucky, you run into the right heart and you begin to experience the forever happy ending kind of experience. Not so lucky, you try, try and try again. Even after finding a perfect soul mate, maintaining the relationship comes with a lot of challenges and you need to work hard to protect it forever.

    Interestingly, relationship or marital problems come in all shapes and sizes. So, if you are feeling distraught, worn out or desperate for help, it is important to look for help in the right quarters. Don’t ever give up because you are not alone.

    Interestingly, there are a number of common relationship problems that we all come across on a daily basis. The first one that comes to mind is infidelity. There are usually a number of signs to see when the love boat is sailing in this direction. Once you notice this on time then you would be able to save the relationship before it crashes.

    Some of the other issues that you have to contend with include sexual problems, particularly loss of libido ( male and female). If this does not occur in your situation, then you may just be faced with the significant differences in the individual’s core values and beliefs. Here, what is required is to understand what the other person likes or dislikes and then try to adjust as well as accommodate the other person.

    As you go through these adjustments , you should also be in tune with the different t life stages, what it means to you and your partner, as well as how to make the best out of it all. You also need to be aware of certain traumatic and life-changing events in the way that shows sympathy and empathy for the heart that you cherish so much.

    Experts inform that there are significant personal disappointments and traumas in relationships these days. This unfortunately has led to a change in relationship dynamics. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you can be very frustrating and challenging.  This gets worse when there is manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with family or friends. Sadly, a lot of people get depressed because they just have a feeling that the relationship is one-sided and the other party is uncaring.

    Lack of communication about important matters like this usually leads to separation .Unfortunately, there are times when this is just nothing but perceived lack of concern, care and consideration, financial problems, dealing with a jealous partner, unrealistic expectations as well as poor division of or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks.

  • Refuelling your tank

    Water, water, everywhere and none to drink. This comes to mind when you compare what’s going on with the fuel scarcity at the moment. A car (heart) without fuel (love) is useless. It can’t go far. Even if it is a brand new car, with gadgets that are fantastic, you are not going to go far if you can move it (heart) at the pace you want.

    Fuelling (loving) a car (heart) sounds easy but when it comes to the nitty-gritty of it all, you discover that it is a very complex (whims and caprices) process. The routine of washing the car, servicing it at the right time would determine if you are in charge or not. In addition, choosing the appropriate fuel is important because this can also mar the process. Adulterated fuel, like adulterated love, takes you to the ‘End of the Road”.

    Timing is crucial. It is wrong to do the last things first. Experts actually advise that it is better to fuel the car in the morning and not in the middle of the day because heat creates vapour, which leaves space in the tank. Some people can also be miserly with the way they dole out their affection. Interestingly, fuel experts warn that doing the refuelling (loving) once in a while may damage the fuel pump (heart) or wear out the filters (emotion).

    The driver of the car should be in charge and know when to fuel and refuel the tank without stress. Sadly, there are times when those in the emotional saddle discover that their emotional tank has been emptied and they are stuck. That is what ought to have happened to a bride recently. Unfortunately, things just did not go as planned. She dreamt of love, imagined it during the day and looked forward to the physical actualisation of the forever happy-ending kind of tale she had read so much about.

    Unfortunately, this was not to be. Just when she thought that she had the emotional world in her pocket, the emotional thief and pickpocket strolled in and had the last laugh. It is worse when you are cruising on the emotional highway with a heart that does not know what he wants. That was exactly the scenario that she found herself.

    Her dream man changed his mind and walked away. He chickened out at the last moment and she was back to square one. That is a bad dream and nobody looks forward to this in a relationship. Sadly, it is the reality for many. Just imagine how you would feel like as a bride being left at the altar under dramatic circumstances.

    An empty aisle. It should have been love, but it is over. Emptiness, bitterness and frustration. Tears and more tears. The emotional turning-point can be explosive. It starts with a small spark that spontaneously combusts and starts a wild fire that just can’t be controlled. Poor dreamer, you still wish that it wasn’t true. Sometimes, you wish that the flames will die down. But when it ignites just before the most daunting commitment of your life, the blaze seems to blind you from seeing the forest for the trees. All the truth of the matter is that many of us just cannot imagine living a lifetime in that kind of heat.

    A bride recently fell into this category and no matter how hard she tried; it was difficult putting this emotional miscalculation behind her. “All this left me with a wedding and no groom.”

    The harm had been done but she decided to make the emotional exit memorable in her own way. So she called her photographer in tears and decided to have a photo-session without the groom. Instead of cancelling the photography coverage, the heartbroken lovebird decided to use the photos to help the healing process.

    She was really strong and came to the realisation that she could have a wedding if she turned her mind to it.”What I learned is that a wedding is something entirely different from a marriage,” said Jones. “A wedding is about all the people and things that come together to witness two people get married. A marriage is just about the bride and groom. So when my entire family decided to come to New Orleans anyway and see me through the aftermath, it became evident that all the same people and things that made up my wedding still existed. There just wasn’t going to be a marriage. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything optimistic at first. I was just grateful I wasn’t alone.”

    Interestingly, the source of her inspiration was the photographer. “It wasn’t until my photographer suggested doing a photo-shoot anyway that I realised something truly beautiful happened out of all the ugliness. It was the first time my entire family was together in one place, just for the sake of being together, for over a decade or more. And they all came together to hold me up. Somehow, the solidarity and seeing and feeling unconditional, forgiving love radiate from them made the pain of my ex-fiancé’s decision almost irrelevant. In the armour of my family’s strength and support, I could face the battle of heartbreak without fear or humiliation. I cried. I laughed. I sang. I danced. And somehow, in an indescribable way, I won. Did I get married? No. Do I still have a lot grieving and healing yet to do? Yes. But all of that will be okay in time because, in the end, I got so much more than a wedding.”