The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • The healing process

    THE sore on her left arm was healing already but it was itching. A little scratch here and there appears to be soothing. Just while she was feeling relieved, it got painful and was bleeding profusely. For a lot of people, if the wound itches the tendency is to scratch. Unfortunately, scratching is bad for the healing process. The pain from that old wound reminds her of the emotional wound that she was nursing at the moment.

    For a long time, Nkiru’s desire was to have a good relationship and have the best from the emotional world. That proved abortive and right from school it was tough getting a heart that would melt naturally into hers. Disappointed with the emotional trial and error that came her way, she finally left school and went for her national service in Enugu.

    Service year was sweet, filled with passionate memories and it was at the peak of it all that she met Chidi. Everything fell into place and it looked like nothing was ever going to change her love for him. “We went everywhere together, laughed around and played like little children. We just could not hide anything from each other and it looked like this was romance made in heaven. As the days went by, I also discovered that we shared so many things in common and never quarrelled for a day.”

    Then they got to the point where it was important to seal the emotional deal and get things done formally. Nkiru had also chosen a bridal gown design and a number of other plans were in the pipeline. That naturally should have been the best moment in her life but somehow the unexpected happened. Chidi gave her a call and told her that they could not continue with plans for the marriage. Reason: “My father has insisted that I must not marry a Yoruba girl. My mother tried her best to convince him but he remains adamant. Unfortunately, I respect my father so much and I cannot go against his wish. I actually need his blessings for the marriage to be a success.”

    The news hit her like a hammer. It left her dazed for days and even weeks. During this period, she kept hoping that things would change and her dear Chidi would come back to her and say it was all a dream. He didn’t. In the midst of that emotional confusion, she fell ill and went to the hospital. Here the doctor revealed that Nkiru was expecting a baby for Chidi. She called him to tell him about the news and the response was even more devastating than the first experience.

    “You must be dreaming! Your plan is to tie me down against my wish. I am sorry, it won’t work. It is over and you can do whatever you like with the baby.” Nkiru decided to keep the baby while Chidi vanished into thin air. It was tough but luckily her mother and friend, Dorcas, stood by her. After that experience, she became very hard on all the guys that came her way. She went back to school and had two masters and went on to pursue her PhD. On the job, she was flying really high and she had many suitors on her trail. As far as she was concerned, they were all inconsequential. He son, Donald, was doing very well in school and he was the apple of her eyes. She loved him so much while the boy adored his mum.

    Life for Nkiru was complete but somehow friends and family would not let her be. The song on their lips was, “Nkiru you need a man in your life.” She finally found Tade, an Accountant who attended the same church with her. To her utmost surprise, he had never been married too. He had a good family pedigree and was very simple. His two sisters were also very wonderful and in a short while the wedding bell rang.

    The two of them had been emotional victims with wounds inflicted by hearts they once loved. It was therefore a turning point and the emotional wounds of the past began to heal. About two years after the marriage, Nkiru had a daughter for Tade, but somehow she began to notice something strange about her man. He had mood swings and there are times that he gets so agitated and violent. He managed to cope but the major casualty was her son, Donald. Her husband and her son just did not get along and it made her really sad.

    One morning they argued over something, and Tade smashed the windscreen of the car the boy was going to take out. Nkiru quickly got out of bed to intervene and he smashed her head with a big stick. It was after this experience that one of Tade’s sisters opened up telling her that he suffered from depression when his former girlfriend deserted him. At this point he was sad and remorseful. This was really dangerous but she just cannot abandon her Tade now. He needs her more than ever, after all the agreement was till death do them apart. Donald would go and stay with her mum so that Tade can have more attention.

  • Different strokes for different folks

    TALL, dark and handsome. Those were the qualities she had always wanted in a man. Somehow, she ran into a gentleman who almost fit into her dreams but it just didn’t work out. At a point, Debbie thought it was better to change her emotional criteria and give others a chance. It was at this point that Afolabi walked majestically into her life. Was it a dream come true?

    Well, for about 18 months it looked like it was a dream come true. Midway through the love adventure, this lily-livered lover began to make a U-turn. Was it going to hit the rocks and crumble or was it something she could still salvage. At the crossroads, he struck with a wedding invitation with another lady. Shattered, the reality of the game hit her and she is stranded. It took her another two years to stand on her emotional feet again.

    Now, she’s dreaming about a man who would be committed; someone who would be ready to keep a long-term relationship. You have to work for it and make sure that the emotional ground has been properly prepared. What you actually need is a ‘mature man’. Maturity does not have to do with age or anything physical.

    It’s actually a thing of the mind. An emotionally mature man is a man who would never shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life. He would always be willing to share his feelings no matter what he is going through.

    Here we are talking about a man who would allow the woman in his life to ‘see’ what he is passing through no matter what. If you invested energy in a man only to painfully discover that the apple of your eyes is deceiving you or simply could not sustain the relationship, then it can be really sad.

    In those good old days, Tayo was actually the best thing in her life and Labake just could not find her bearing without his dose of affection. But to her utmost surprise, the relationship took a deep emotional nosedive. What went wrong? Was it her fault or his fault? Well, she just could not place a finger on what really went wrong.

    Interestingly, a lot of women often wonder why the men who once swore to die for love suddenly chickened out of the race.

    Naturally, it isn’t going to be for the same reasons because it is usually different love strokes for different love folks. Indeed, there are a number of reasons whether emotional or not that can make a man stick in, no matter the odds, or fall out, even at the slightest provocation.

    Growth and moving to a deeper level of commitment in a relationship depends on your determination. You must be convinced about making it work as well as understand that things work differently for a man than they do for a woman.

     If you don’t understand why they should think in a different manner, then you’re likely to have some problems relating with him. Once that special bond is lost then you can be sure that things would begin to fall apart and your ‘love centre’ would never hold again.

    Knowing the basic skills and how to make use of these skills can be very helpful indeed. You also need to understand the personality and the crucial role gender plays in the total input and output.

    The truth of the matter is that women find it easier to move on to the commitment stage in relationships once they’ve found what they are looking for. It is not so easy with men; first they have to contend with the many ‘love voices’ they are hearing in the background. Sorting the voices can be really difficult for some and even when this is sorted out they move into the next stage.

    Here the man in question wants to be sure that he is not being boxed into an emotional corner. He wants to be certain that this ‘love mine’ is for real, that there is something to treasure as he gets deeper and deeper in this love train.

    The woman is also at a critical stage too. If there is one nagging question that women love to ask, then it must be what’s inside the mind of the men they love and admire.

    If only they had a clue to these burning love questions, then their relationships would not have crashed in the first place. The best thing to do is to try your best to make it work out. You also need to constantly look out for new ways to make it more interesting. Once you have discovered this love tricks then you can start thinking of gaining incredible new insights as you move on.

    And when you are moving on, you also need to ask some basic questions like: Is your man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate?

    If the answer to these questions is in the negative, then he is likely to be spiteful.

    The kind of man who talks about solutions and not problems. Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity  and sensitivity.

    In addition, the type of people he spends his time with also matters a lot. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world.Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled? You need to ask yourself these questions about the man you are considering investing your heart in.

  • Mingling without tears

    GOOD romance can be compared to that haute couture design that you cherish so much and you feel like wearing all the time. It is personal, attractive and something that makes you the cynosure of eyes each time you step out in it. You love to flirt around in it, show off and proud to say it is yours. Conversely, an outfit that is so common and found on almost everyone feels cheap and you would definitely want to have it tucked away in the corner.

    The latter obviously depicts romance that has gone sour and brings bitter memories each time it flashes in your mind. Looking down memory lane, you almost wish you never had anything to do with it because it is not worth the while. A wonderful experience is all about creating a mood, touching the senses, cradling the heart, and mingling with each other’s souls; so, be creative.

    Romance and intimacy are important spices that are necessary to produce a lasting impression on the person you love and admire. To enjoy a relationship, whatever you are giving must be reciprocated by the other party.

    Here we are talking about the quality of the portion of love that is being doled out which must be matched with trust, mutual respect and appreciation of the good deeds. You can therefore be sure that all is well when you add all the parts together and you have a wonderful outcome.

    There are times when the affectionate lane is dull and unattractive. When you get to this emotional juncture, you sure need to fashion out ways to cross over without tears. Tears? Yes, they are a necessary part of the emotional itinerary but there is no point crying for the sake of it.

    How far you go at this point depends on your partner. You definitely need to be there for one another no matter the odds. If it is the woman who feels like walking then it means that she needs more attention to find her emotional bearing. Here, her better half needs to do more than cuddling just a little bit. Well, if you are the type that is not used to showing off this way, then you may just have to fake it.

    The crux of the matter is that women need to feel loved and cared for all the time. Some people believe that with age things should be different. No, it has nothing to do with age at all. From time to time, you need to give her a little pat on the back, compliment her when she’s doing some task or give her a wonderful kiss before you walk out the door.

    This certainly would help to sustain the emotional circle and renew the sparks from time to time. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not understand this when things begin to fall apart. Of course, there are a number of signs to look out for and once you come to the realisation that all is not well, then it is better to mend the emotional fence before it comes crumbling down.

    The big question here is what you watch out for at this stage. Naturally, there are different phases in every relationship. You need to be on the alert when the love of your life starts to appear more interested in his friends and relatives than in you. Sometimes, there may just be no cause for alarm because it may just be that your partner needs some space.

    At that point, all he or she needs is some time to rediscover themselves, especially after a period of intense intimacy. It would surely be a time to take stock and reassess the love process. It is something done to recharge and they are likely to come back better and brighter in the relationship.

    It could also be that there is an uncertainty that needs to be cleared. This could be because the person is feeling that he or she is not in the right place and is probably thinking of exploring another relationship option.

    Here it is obvious that the person is not getting fulfillment and there is an emotional vacuum that needs to be filled. The truth of the matter is that almost every relationship hits bumps and rough patches at one point or the other.

    However, if you spend quality time building special moments and memories, you will have these times to reflect back upon and those moments will certainly help carry you two over the hurdles and obstacles.

    Experts advise that keeping the romance alive is an important aspect of a relationship. You need to constantly make time for each other. You have to be willing to set aside special time for each other. The problem, however, is that couples become too busy with their everyday activities and it becomes easier to sacrifice the romance as opposed to finding and making the time for each other.

    There is no straight jacket answer to relationship and the many puzzles we encounter from time to time. Problems in relationships are inevitable, yet it is possible to remain satisfied in your relationship in spite of differences.

    Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences. The key is to continually work it out and be matured when the uncertainties come your way. It can also get better when you acknowledge that there is a

  • A learning curve

    LOOKING for a partner? Yes, that is the feeling for many out there. The desire at this point is to magnetise that dream man or woman. The expectation is also usually very high. First of all, we look for the perfect image; someone who looks good and has a good carriage. For lovebirds that are lucky, they find the kind of soul mates that they desire but unfortunately for them, they later discover that the emotional search has only just begun. This is because a great face and good physical attributes do not necessarily translate into a great heart.

    Relationship problems are hardly anything that we want to experience in our relationships, but they are an inevitable part of spending time with another person. The crux of the matter here is that nobody is really perfect and it’s impossible for anyone to actually be perfect. And, realistically, why would you want to be with someone who is or appears to be? There’s no growth and learning that comes out of that. Life like love is indeed a learning curve. A combination of the good, the bad and the ugly. You try, try and try again.

    Patiently, you can get the other person to see the bad spots and together make a difference. When we tend to have the desire to want to “change” our partner forcefully, then there would be some resentments or confusion. Our action here stems from this inner desire to control the other person. It’s rooted in the thinking that “they” are the ones who need to change and not ourselves.

    This is a distorted belief that stems from our ego (fear-based mind), which blocks us from truly experiencing real genuine love. So it is important for us to be willing to recognise our own desires to control or change your partner and set the intention to let it go whenever it comes up.

    Even when your heart is not in control, you just have to be smart and not become a desperado. Solomon loved Aderinola so much, and like the thermometer, all he did was to monitor the emotional temperature from time to time. Unfortunately, the lover boy was not in control. In a relationship, it is better to function like the thermostat and not the thermometer (mugu), if you must be in control.

    The thermostat senses the temperature of a system so that the system’s temperature is maintained near a desired set point. The thermostat does this by switching heating or cooling devices on or off, or regulating the flow of a heat transfer fluid as needed, to maintain the correct temperature. Modern thermostats interestingly are almost exclusively digital, but in the past what we had were non-digital thermostat.

    To love someone means to accept the other person for who they truly are – flaws and all. Even the heart that you so desperately crave forgets to say happy birthday, wastes money or things you do not like or talks too much in public, you just have to love him or her. Unfortunately, a lot of people find it so hard to accept the other heart this way. They argue and argue over the same things all the time. Instead of getting the change desired, the other heart gets hardened and gradually they begin to fall apart.

    A school of thought actually describes love as a battlefield, but anyone with emotional wisdom and skill would know how to manoeuver the emotional process without stress. Once you master the ‘tricks’, you would also be able to help others get through their emotional challenges. On your fingertips would be skills of how to cure a broken heart, make someone jealous, or just ease your own loneliness,

    If you want to be successful in your relationship, it is better to always look at the pros and cons of every decision you take or intend to take. If the outcome is good, then we all smile but if it is the other way round, then it is important to think of alternatives that will give that soft landing desired.

    For instance, when you choose to date or marry someone, you’re not necessarily choosing the person. Rather, you’re choosing the problems that you want to deal with that emerge in your relationship with that person.

    Let’s face it: When we’re in a relationship, problems are inevitable. No matter how hard we try, we simply just can’t avoid them. When we’re with one person, the problems may be much more challenging and difficult than with another person – but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any. It’s simply the by-product of being in a relationship.

    Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, states that 69% of the problems that we deal with in our relationships are never solved. What determines whether the couple stays together or not relies on whether both people are able to accommodate and accept the traits and characteristics of their partner that irritate them.

    Seeing that statistics can be pretty disheartening, but it can also be empowering, because it shows the importance of taking personal responsibility. We have the power to control our own behaviour, actions and reactions. And we have a choice as to how we want to behave and even if we want to be in a relationship with a person with that one trait that drives you crazy.

  • Dissipating energy on the wrong medal

    A lot of people love to run because they enjoy the challenge, want to burn calories, desire optimal fitness or just want to support a cause. While it comes with some advantages, it also has a number of disadvantages too. It could put you at the risk of a number of injuries (heartbreaks), especially when you fail to get the right gear (confusion), flagrant violation of the rules or fail to follow a progressive training plan.

    A Marathon runner, Barbara Tatge, made headline news after sharing a kiss with a mystery male spectator. Lonely and desiring a heart, her imaginations ran riot on the tracks. While sleep walking (running), she thought she had found the miracle man, the type she had been dreaming about all this while. Interestingly, Tatge was running in her first-ever Boston Marathon when she was dared by her daughter, Paige (the emotional referee), to kiss a random man as she passed through the town of Wellesley, Mass.

    “I accepted my daughter’s good-hearted dare of reversing the Wellesley tradition,” Tatge said, referring to a town tradition where women give kisses instead to male runners. Unfortunately, reversing the rules around the emotional corridor always turns out to be a jinx. So how did it go for our dear Tatge?

    “And a good natured man accepted my request for a photo.” Tatge then kissed a male spectator on the sidelines wearing a hat, jacket and plaid shirt. The kiss was photographed and quickly went viral.  It was just too good to be true. Paige then began a quest to locate her mom’s lip-locked fan by reaching out to the Wellesley Townsman newspaper a few weeks ago.

    The emotional bubble burst suddenly. This time around it wasn’t the mystery man who ended up replying to Paige and the newspaper’s request. Rather, it was his wife, the real owner of the desired heart. The wife, who wished to remain anonymous, verified her claims by submitting photos of the clothing her husband was wearing during the kiss.

    “When this story aired on the news, we were pretty surprised,” the mystery man’s wife told the Wellesley Townsman. “For me, I’m not mad. Believe me, our friends have gotten a lot of mileage out of this story and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them give my husband grief!

    “I greatly admire your spunk and courage and wish you many happy races in the future. Congratulations on your Boston finish!” Heartbroken Tatge says she has been overwhelmed by the positive support following the kiss, and plans to change up her running and lip-locking strategies in future races.”I won’t be kissing random strangers along the route,” she said. “I suspect he will stand further back in the crowd of spectators at future races. Right now my plan is to try to qualify for 2017. I want to come back to Boston most definitely,” Tatge told the Townsman. “Moving forward I will revert to only kissing single men.”

    The crux of the matter here is that the affectionate race is highly competitive. So many other hearts are competing for the heart(s) you desire. It is a test of your ability and you need to prove that you are fit for the race. Winner takes all? Yes, that unfortunately is the fad along the emotional corridor. You either make it or do not make it. There is nothing like falling along the way or being almost there.

    A marathon covers a long distance, has different phases and you must prepare well, as well as hand over the baton to someone who shares the overall vision. Running, sweating and panting are all part of the process, but there is no point dissipating energy on the wrong medal (someone else’s guy). Salivating for the wrong medal automatically takes you back to the start and not the finishing line. Just finishing a marathon is a goal itself and a worthy goal at that. Others could just be time goals, pace goals and qualifying goals.

    If you are hesitant to make the move at the right time, you may just lose your treasure (s) to emotional champions. Those who understand the value of teamwork, sharing, and proper training as well as a cheering crowd also master the route.

    To avoid getting stuck in an emotional rat race, you must get your act together from the onset. Once the whistle blows, your best bet is to keep running ahead; there is no looking back to ensure that you are successful. It is only when you have your eyes on the medal and come tops that you get the emotional standing ovation. Always strive for gold (the best hearts around) because this would also guarantee your ratings with emotional coaches and referees.

    The essence here is to agree, share ideas with fellow athletes and run with it as fast as you can. Those who have mastered the tracks (hearts) succeed by setting records which ultimately set them apart from others.  Unfortunately, lots of hearts have slowed down on the tracks and they are bugged down with arguments, frustrations, defeat and tales of betrayals.

  • Left in the lurch

    WATER, water everywhere and none to drink. This comes to mind when you compare what’s going on with the fuel scarcity at the moment. A car (heart) without fuel (love) is useless. It can’t go far. Even if it is a brand new car, with gadgets that are fantastic, you are not going to go far if you can move it (heart) at the pace you want.

    Fueling (loving) a car (heart) sounds easy but when it comes to the nitty gritty of it all, you discover that it is a very complex (whims and caprices) process. The routine of washing the car, servicing it at the right time would determine if you are in charge or not. In addition, choosing the appropriate fuel is important because this can also mar the process. Adulterated fuel, like adulterated love, takes you to the ‘End of the Road”.

    Timing is crucial. It is wrong to do the last things first. Experts actually advise that it is better to fuel the car in the morning and not in the middle of the day because heat creates vapour, which leaves space in the tank. Some people can also be miserly with the way they dole out their affection. Interestingly, fuel experts warns that doing the refueling (loving) once in a while may damage the fuel pump (heart) or wear out the filters (emotion).

    The driver of the car should be in charge and know when to fuel and refuel the tank without stress. Sadly, there are times, when those in the emotional saddle discover that their emotional tank has been emptied and they are stuck. That is what ought to have happened to a bride recently. Unfortunately, things just did not go as planned. She dreamt of love, imagined it during the day and looked forward to the physical actualisation of the forever happy-ending kind of tale she had read so much about.

    Unfortunately, this was not to be. Just when she thought that she had the emotional world in her pocket, the emotional thief and pickpocket strolled in and had the last laugh. It is worse when you are cruising on the emotional highway with a heart that does not know what he wants. That was exactly the scenario that she found herself.

     Her dream man changed his mind and walked away. He chickened out at the last moment and she was back to square one. That is a bad dream and nobody looks forward to this in a relationship. Sadly, it is the reality for many. Just imagine how you would feel like as a bride being left at the altar under dramatic circumstances.

    An empty aisle. It should have been love, but it is over. Emptiness, bitterness and frustration. Tears and more tears. The emotional turning-point can be explosive. It starts with a small spark that spontaneously combusts and starts a wild fire that just can’t be controlled. Poor dreamer, you still wish that it wasn’t true. Sometimes, you wish that the flames will die down. But when it ignites just before the most daunting commitment of your life, the blaze seems to blind you from seeing the forest for the trees. All the truth of the matter is that many of us just cannot imagine living a lifetime in that kind of heat.

    A bride recently fell into this category and no matter how hard she tried; it was difficult putting this emotional miscalculation behind her. “All this left me with a wedding and no groom.”

    The harm had been done but she decided to make the emotional exit memorable in her own way. So she called her photographer in tears and decided to have a photo-session without the groom. Instead of canceling photography coverage, the heartbroken lovebird decided to use the photos to help the healing process.

    She was really strong and came to the realisation that she could have a wedding if she turned her mind to it.”What I learned is that a wedding is something entirely different from a marriage,” said Jones. “A wedding is about all the people and things that come together to witness two people get married. A marriage is just about the bride and groom. So when my entire family decided to come to New Orleans anyway and see me through the aftermath, it became evident that all the same people and things that made up my wedding still existed. There just wasn’t going to be a marriage. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything optimistic at first. I was just grateful I wasn’t alone.”

    Interestingly, the source of her inspiration was the photographer. “It wasn’t until my photographer suggested doing a photo-shoot anyway that I realised something truly beautiful happened out of all the ugliness. It was the first time my entire family was together in one place, just for the sake of being together, for over a decade or more. And they all came together to hold me up. Somehow, the solidarity and seeing and feeling unconditional, forgiving love radiate from them made the pain of my ex-fiancé’s decision almost irrelevant. In the armor of my family’s strength and support, I could face the battle of heartbreak without fear or humiliation. I cried. I laughed. I sang. I danced. And somehow, in an indescribable way, I won. Did I get married? No. Do I still have a lot grieving and healing yet to do? Yes. But all of that will be okay in time because, in t

  • She loves him, but he hurts her

    It was the happiest day in Shade’s life because she had a date with her Romeo. But deep down, she didn’t really know how to handle this relationship that was one-sided. She loves Biodun so much but he was always telling her lies, he was always elusive, always getting angry at the slightest provocation, as well as doing a number of things that hurt and make her sad.

    A lot of times, it is difficult to rationalise the things that go on in some relationships. Most times, the heart that should make her heart happy turns out to be the one causing her pain, the blackmailer and the one who sees nothing good in all she does. He actually goes to town painting the love of his life black and you wonder if there was love in the relationship in the first place.

    Nobody loves to be unloved. What a woman desires is love, attention, as well as appreciation. She puts in her best and waiting for her Romeo to go to town to tell everyone who cares to listen that he has found a priceless jewel in words and deed. Surprisingly, what she gets is shock and not a pleasant surprise. First, tales of a number of escapades with characters, known and unknown, hit her like shockwaves.

    Just while she is recovering from this, he confides in some of her friends that she bewitched him and lured him into a relationship. Now that he is wiser, he desperately needs his freedom, freedom to be with hearts that are more loving, hearts that know where the mumu buttons are located.

    Tears? No need for that! It probably won’t change anything. The truth about the emotional terrain is that the rules are flexible, personal and sometimes, you just do not have any control over it. You can even compare it with making sense of something that doesn’t make sense. After all, how else do you explain loving someone who doesn’t treat you lovingly?

    There are times when the heart you cherish goes a step further to justify the unfair treatment that you are getting. Unfortunately, being with someone who doesn’t love you the way we need or deserve can be a great source of frustration. Just because you love such a person, you continue with the hope that, one day, he or she would change. Sadly, they never really change and they may actually make you do the things you never planned to do.

    Interestingly, it is usually better to look at the mind of the abuser rather than the victim. This makes it easy to recognise what the problem is, as well as the signs of abuse. As you take a deep look at relationships in this category, you would discover that the abuser is also a victim of some sort. A personality that probably has a complex; has been abused or feels bad about something. You would also discover how those who abuse the people they claim they love and tend to brainwash their victims by taking over their personalities.

    Research has shown one of the main reasons why people put up with abuse in their relationships is pity. The person who is being abused often feels sorry for the person who is abusing them and this can be hard for others to understand.

    They surround, or attempt to surround, that person with themselves and they try to keep everyone and everything else away from their “core” for fear of losing it. Abusive partners often hide the fact that they are weak and vulnerable. They replace their “core” self with the “core” of their partner.

    The problem with a relationship like this is that the person will feel threatened by anything they do not feel in control of. If their “core” tries to have a life of “its” own, they feel threatened.

    Abusive people inspire pity because, when they are at the risk of losing their partner, their panic and pain is massive. This is because, for them, they are literally in danger of losing themselves and their whole world starts to fall apart.

    Abusive people hurt the people they love the most because in their effort to try to control, they attempt to stop the person with whom they are enmeshed from being an individual separate from them. So they try to control every aspect of their life, including who they talk to, what they do in their free time, who their friends are, and what they believe and think.

    The more entrenched an abusive person’s partner becomes in their “core” the more control they need over that person. They begin trying to control every part of the other person’s life up to, and including, their mind. They often try to replace the thoughts and feelings of their partner by, in a sense, brainwashing them.

    One of the most important skills in life to create harmonious relationships, reduce stress and enhance emotional awareness is empathy. Being empathetic requires skill and can be tricky at times. When you relate to another person’s feelings and needs, you build connections.

    It is also important to note that the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. You also know that the best way to avoid getting what you don’t want is to say “NO”.

    What happens frequently is that the selfish partner dominates the relationship with their needs and wants and burdens their partner with loads of expectations.

  • Falling helplessly in love

    GARBAGE in, garbage out. This naturally means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This perhaps talks about the ideal situation in love, the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’ song ‘When somebody loves you back.’ He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response was even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

     Yet no reply and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here, for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions, with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this; she had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic, and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that; all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river, you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Time to move on

    IT’S over and done but the heartache lives on inside. This lyric from Mariah Carey’s song, Destiny child, captures Desola’s mood at the moment. The events of the last two weeks woke her up from emotional slumber and she is now in the realm of reality.

     Tears, tears and more tears. Would the tears stop running, would she find love again or what can she do to get out of this emotional mess ?The first two months was a disaster but gradually she began to pick up the pieces again. On the surface, it looked like all was well but, deep down, our dear friend knew that she needed a break to get over the emotional ordeal. She decided that it was better to take a break for six weeks.

    Her half sister lived in South Africa and she thought this was the best time to pay her a visit. It was something that she had always wanted to do but, somehow, she found it difficult to make out the time.

    It was fun and in a short while Desola met new friends and it helped the healing process. She attended a number of parties and social events . Unfortunately, a week before the end of this memorable holiday, Desola had a car accident.

     What a pity! The pain was simply unbearable and the trauma made her forget the sweet memories she had just experienced.

    The first few days and weeks were very traumatic for her. The head and arm ached so badly and she wondered why it chose to happen at this point. As a matter of fact, the strain reminded her about the bitter memories from her last relationship.

    Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings that you can experience. First, it catapults you to the sky, making you soar as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky. Conversely, when love ends, it feels as if you have been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something, just anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering in ways you never imagined.

    Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

    Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship.

    When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognise the beauty that’s already within us.

    Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can  at last  keep this heightened feeling forever.

    One other thing that we need to understand is that everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change  not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

    Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on. To make a relationship work, no matter the odds, it is better to always trust and try to forgive. You must also remember to focus on the things your partner does right, not only what he or she does wrong.Positive reinforcement is an age-old concept used with children and even the training of animals. But it’s still important for fully grown adults too.

    Assigning blame will cause the other person to either get defensive or feel worthless. Neither of those feelings promotes peace in a relationship. When blame enters into the conversation then one person becomes the victim and the other becomes the reason why bad things are happening. Does that sound like a platform for a loving and peaceful relationship? You are in this relationship together and assigning blame just creates a separation in your partnership.  Resist the temptation to assign blame, band together, and work through the situation like partners.

  • A bird willing to fly with you

    CAN two broken hearts melt into one? Yes, sometimes two ‘cracking’ hearts can be resuscitated and you could have something that would last forever. A lot of people who have suffered heartaches can still find their missing ribs, if only they look around carefully. Naturally, their emotions have been blown with the winds and they are just managing to hang on. But from this emotional valley, it is still possible to move out and rediscover something new and adorable.

    This can only happen when the new bird is sincere and willing to flow with you. Interestingly, this is the situation Noami is experiencing at the moment and she is happing that she allows her heart to step out of the ‘box’. At a distance, Naomi seemed to have the world in her pocket. Friends and neighbours admired and held her in high esteem because of her rare qualities. She was beautiful in and out. A pretty face, great physique and a large heart. Yet, there was just one snag: there was no Romeo in sight. And so everyone made it his or her business to be a great matchmaker just to find our dear friend a Mr. Right.

    “It wasn’t as if I never really found a guy I loved or admired. Unfortunately, he died three months to our wedding. That was a fatal emotional blow, one that I never really recovered from. It actually took me a long while before I started picking the bits and pieces together because my world crumbled at that point.”

    He must have been a wonderful guy, the type that you wish to spend a lifetime with. “Yes, he was a rare personality and he transformed my life while we were together. When I got the news from his younger sister, I was shocked.”

    She kept on wishing it was all a dream and that someone was going to wake her up from this emotional slumber. “Most times, I kept on talking to myself and tell me that it wasn’t true.” Sadly, that never happened and the poor lady’s heart kept on sinking. “By the time I woke up, it was almost too late. All the guys I ran into and admired were all married. I was stuck and the one that desperately wanted my hand were not the kind of guy that I desired.”

     From that point, yours truly was on the receiving end and hung on to life as an emotional beggar with little or no choice at all. Just when she thought that her emotional gates had been padlocked for life, another heart came passing by. “We met at a friend’s wedding anniversary. I knew that all our friends would be at the event and they would all be popping the same question at yours truly. But again, I was lonely and I needed something to fill up this vacuum. To make things easy for me, I had told myself not to take any question seriously and just make myself happy.”

    Like she imagined, almost everyone turned out for the event. Two great minds locked together as one sure deserves everyone’s time and attention. I sat in a corner and tried to tuck myself away from familiar faces. Unfortunately, one of the busy bodies finally caught up with yours truly. She was clutching a male hand bag and because I hadn’t seen her in a long while, I imagined he was her ‘property’.

    Well, it turned out that my assumptions were wrong. This was actually another matchmaking episode and yours truly was at the centre of the script. “Hello, Dearie! How are we today? I just saw that you don’t have any company and I thought I should introduce my cousin, Ajibade, to you.”

    Nonsense! Can’t these people realise that life is not all about having a partner. Who says that I am lonely without a busy body around me? Trust Shade, she zoomed off almost immediately and didn’t wait for my opinion on the matter. What am I going to do with this emotional garbage that she dumped on me? We kept starring at one another liked Dundees and I felt like running away.

    Wait a minute! It is not fair to sit on the fence and assume that you are better than the other person. So, I had this desire to help. Poor heart, only God knows who has wounded him this badly. But can two broken hearts melt into one? Then suddenly, he opened his mouth and started talking. Well, he wasn’t as bad as I thought and in a short while this familiar stranger wormed his way into my heart.

    The truth of the matter is that a man can be just as afraid or even more afraid of rejection than you are? In order for a man to overcome “shyness” or even his fear of rejection, he has to feel pretty confident in himself or in the idea that if he were to ask you out, you’d respond with a “yes.” Secondly, if you’re always surrounded by a group of people, he may not have the opportunity to be free with you.

    If he’s never had a one-on-one conversation with you, where you’re leading with attraction and flirting back, he may not feel too sure of the situation. This is why it’s important that if you want to maximise the chances that a man will follow-up with his attraction for you, you may just have to find a way to engage him. This way, he would definitely discover that you are both interested and available.