The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Going against the emotional traffic

    THE distinctive feature of intimacy is mutual responsiveness, that reassuring sense that lovebirds really ‘get’ each other. This means that you come to your interactions with a well-developed understanding of each other’s inner workings, and use that privileged knowledge, thoughtfully, for each other’s benefit. It is that safe and comforting feeling you get basking in the knowledge that this other person truly understands and appreciates you.

    Ironically for many, things fell apart when they thought they had conquered all. This experience compares to what happened to Patricia recently. It started like the usual boy-meets-girl story and she wasn’t really satisfied with her Romeo’s status. He didn’t have much, but because she was a fan of the ‘not all that glitters’ phrase, she decided to give him a chance. To make it work, she gave him all the love, support and attention required for a ‘learner’ on the emotional wheels. In a short while, they made it to the top and became the toast of the town.

    Three and half decades down the line, the union produced six wonderful children and everyone thought our dear Patricia had solved all the mathematical equations in the emotional terrain. Suddenly, the emotional pendulum shifted backwards and a new beauty about the same age with their first son stole the heart of the beau in question. Just like that? Well, you can’t afford to be careless along this corridor. On his part, the Romeo claimed that he had been hoodwinked all this while by an emotional witch (his wife).

    Anyway, now that we have found love, what are we gonna do with it?  Patricia accepted this as her lot and moved into an emotional coma. On his part, the excited Romeo was in the clouds and he just did not want distractions. First, he gave her a quit notice, and when she refused to comply, he beat her to pulp, removing a tooth in the process. When the children from the union got wind of the happening, things fell apart.

    All hell was let loose; they moved to the family house, beat up the princess who was distracting their father and built a new apartment for Patricia in the same compound. Love or no love, they transformed her world, bought a car and had a steward and driver on standby. Remorseful, the Romeo apologised and they reverted back to the emotional status quo.

    That old man was simply going against the emotional traffic. He broke all the rules, damaged a reliable car (heart) and had to pay the penalty. Luckily, he realised his mistakes before it was too late and went back to the right way using the reverse gear.

    He was driving his emotional vehicle in the wrong direction. The big question here would be why would someone want to go against the traffic? Interestingly, people do this for so many reasons. The first is to get to the desired destination (new heart) on time because the normal direction (old heart) has some traffic and you just do not want to be part of the stress.

    On the emotional corridor, this amounts to cheating and breaking the rules of consistency. A cheating heart can be compared with a reckless driver, moving around in the wrong direction and crashing (breaking) hearts in the process. It is worse when the heart knows that the game is up and the next option would be to speed faster on the wrong lane crashing more hearts in the process. Sanity comes in when the law finally catches up with this reckless heart.

    People can also drive in the wrong direction because they missed an exit (confusion), for thrill-seeking (distraction), as a suicide attempt (end of the road), or as a shortcut (the restless). Emotional penalties at this juncture can include a fight, quarrel or a break-up or a combination of all of these.

    Sometimes, it may be a mistake and not a deliberate action. For example, this happens when the driver is from a right-hand traffic country being unaccustomed to driving in a left-hand traffic country, and vice versa. It is therefore important to understand the routes and be in charge of the wheels.

    While driving on the road, you also need to factor the interest of other people into whatever you do. It is therefore very important to behave yourself and not be a reckless driver on the physical or emotional terrain. Of course, we all know that it can be tiring sitting in traffic, sweating, hooting and shouting at those who want to cut corners but somehow you would have satisfied your conscience that you did what was right. Life simply must go on and it is not every time that the traffic is smooth. At such point, our responsibility is to comply, manage traffic and manage congestion.

    When it comes to breaking the rules of the emotional traffic, there should be zero-tolerance for lawlessness. Why not! If there is zero-tolerance for breach of our traffic rules and regulations because of the consequence, then the same should apply to the emotional traffic. Sadly like the traffic, a lot of people like to find their way out of emotional ‘congestion’ without giving a hoot about the consequences.

  • Lust frequencies and distractions

    LOST and stranded, Ifedayo just cannot understand the alternating emotional current that she is experiencing at the moment. As much as she tries to decode the tune from the radio for better signals, the tunes are discordant.  Perhaps it is better to shift the emotional antenna in another direction for connection. Sadly, it is still the same old story.  It is obviously an outpour of emotion but the message is vague and confusing; how is she ever going to understand these alternating emotional currents?

    To be or not to be! That is the emotional question on her lips now. She met her true love, Bayo, at the hospital when her father had an accident. It was a very traumatic period in her life and she was a great comforter. It was a wonderful relationship after a few nasty experiences with men. Bayo literarily swept her off her feet and the word resistance vanished from her emotional lexicon.

    Was this sacrifice worth the while? Well, the Romeo was glued to her emotional frequency for a while. It was very alluring and listening to these love vibes consistently, our dear friend was certain that the frequency was just right. Those sweet emotional lyrics and lullabies brought tears of joy. Just when she thought she couldn’t do without the dude in question, the source of the emotional current was tampered with and there was an emotional blackout.

    Can we really blame the Romeo in question? He became bored with the package and began to tune to other emotional frequencies that had a variety of options to offer. Reality zone! Should she fight for control of the emotional station? The truth of the matter was that she had never fought over a guy in her life and so there was no need to fight for this one. If he was truly hers, he would certainly come back. Time and distance bring lots of distractions. The vacuum also brought new frequencies to a heart that was distorted and disorganised. Instead of struggling with melancholic vibrations, she tuned to a lust frequency. A mistake? To her utmost surprise, the selections on the turn table were melodious. It turned out to have vibes that were scintillating.

    Meanwhile, Bayo is tired of the lust frequency and was trying to reconnect. The feeling did not match the expectations. No, this was not the kind of music (love) that he craved for. Back with a bang? He was on but Ifedayo was no longer operating on that frequency. She was actually operating on something higher and more adventurous. End of the story? This time around Bayo had learnt his lessons and he knew he needed to give her time. Time to know and understand that what she was feeling was nothing but distraction. He was right, twelve weeks after, it was all over and she was back in his arms.

    They almost missed it. Interestingly, they are not alone. A number of lovebirds have been distracted along the lust frequency. It is therefore wise to make sure you understand the heart that you are cruising with if you really love the person. Also make sure that you are operating on the same frequency and make room for adjustments. Failure to do this can take your treasure from one point of distraction to the other.

    Did I just hear you say that your heart can never be distracted? A big joke! Love and lust are like Siamese twins; where you find one, you find the other. If you are still in doubt, then you must listen to what Tim Hunt, a biochemist, says about distraction and the laboratory

    “Let me tell you about my trouble with girls,” Mr. Hunt told an audience at the World Conference of Science Journalists in South Korea. “Three things happen when they are in the lab: You fall in love with them, they fall in love with you, and when you criticise them they cry.”

    His summation here is that women are a romantic distraction in the laboratory. Truth here is that men get carried away most of the time and it doesn’t matter who you are, temptations abound. The Nobel laureate had to resign as honourary professor at University College London after saying this because there was an uproar about women being a romantic distraction in the laboratory.

    The truth of the matter is that the emotional frequency fluctuates and you need to be prepared to handle the currents without tears.

    True connection is one of love’s bedrock prerequisites; a prime reason that love is not unconditional, but instead requires a particular stance. Neither abstract nor mediated, true connection is physical and unfolds in real time. It requires sensory and temporal co-presence of bodies. The main mode of sensory connection, scientists contend, is eye contact. Other forms of real-time sensory contact  through touch, voice, or mirrored body postures and gestures  no doubt connect people as well and at times can substitute for eye contact. Nevertheless, eye contact, expert informs, is the most potent trigger for connection and oneness.

  • Stowaway on your emotional flight

    KAINE was in the departure hall at the airport when a jolly good fellow walked up to her with a smile. The dude in question looked great at first sight but somehow he did not fit into her picture of an ideal guy. As if he was reading her mind, he simply introduced himself as Terry. Did he make any impression at this point? No, he didn’t! Reason: Her heart had been flung out of emotional flights, from heights that you just cannot imagine and there was no space for love.

    The last straw was actually unbearable and her heart was battered beyond recognition by the pilot. Interestingly, our dear Stanley is not the type who takes no for an answer. Babes hardly say no because the dude in question looks good, has sugar-coated tongue and the figure of love. What exactly is going on in her emotional black box? He wonders. She is bleeding terribly on the inside; memories of crashed relationships, memories of cheaters as confidants and emotional hijackers are vivid.

    Not again, this heart is certainly not ready to fly. The Romeo also discovered that she was lost in her thoughts and decided to repeat his name. Somehow, it got her thinking. Two can fly? Not yet! It is a fifty-fifty chance and she naturally began to explore the possibilities. Why not! You can fly to places with a guy whose name sounds like ‘terrific’. But again, wait a minute, this same name sounds like ‘terrible’, you know. Confusion galore. Handsome dudes like this type often go around with lots of extra luggage.

    Should she give it a try? Why is she wasting so much time making up her mind? The truth is that you can’t really blame her, she is still haunted by the past. For Kaine, romance is always good only in storybooks and novels. Almost every romantic adventure has shown that the love flight is not her strongest point. After a few crashes, she changed directions and played the fool in order to fly lovingly to chosen emotional destinations.

    Sadly, the last adventure was stalled by her beautiful half sister, Amanda, a few months ago. So, how did she get into the emotional mess? You ask. Amanda came home after Youth Service and needed a place to stay. Having a large heart, Kaine took her in and they literally shared everything together. Amanda, unlike her sister, was very sociable and had a number of hearts in her kitty. This naturally makes her no threat, but, unfortunately, Kaine was wrong. Secretly, she fell for her sister’s heartthrob and co-piloted the emotional jet.

     Haba! Isn’t she an emotional sadist? Couldn’t she have looked elsewhere instead of playing around with someone else’s feelings? The harm has been done and the emotional flight has been grounded by this desperate half sister (stowaway). The plane (the guy) has been abandoned and was remorseful for being an accomplice. He pleaded for a second chance. Unfortunately, the motivation to fly (love) was gone. Dealing with betrayal, blackmail or anger can be terrible for hearts that love totally. However, it is very important to move on to avoid carrying around a belly filled with animosity (stranded).

    Interestingly, some lovebirds have actually learnt to fly and perch in the right place to avoid being causalities in an emotional crash.

    The big question is why would anybody think of suicide or murder just because you’ve lost a heart? Of course, it is a sad loss but it does not mean the end of the world. What should naturally come to mind is to move on and look for positive filler (s) for the vacuum created.

    A stoaway is obviously running from something, running to somewhere or just wants to get back at something. One of such cases was a woman who plotted with her boyfriend to gun down the man’s wife as the couple was walking with their toddler son on the street. That sad incidence happened about four years ago, but instead of achieving her emotional goals, it earned her a 30-year sentence in prison.

    Even if you love someone so much, there should be ways of winning that heart over. You don’t have to kill someone to get what you want, getting too desperate about someone you love would make you do something that would actually make that heart to detest being with you and this way your desperation would work against you.

     If you have found yourself at the emotional departure hall, please cheer up, make yourself happy and be consoled that it was meant to be that way. Don’t get worked up over what you cannot change or have control over.

    If you are the one who has broken emotional protocols, then it is better to search your soul, try and figure out what you have done wrong, apologise if you can and then get back to the emotional tarmac. Conversely, if you do not forgive those who hurt you, or those you think have hurt your emotions, then you are likely to get into more trouble. Here you would be dragging the emotional suitcase of ancient history, looking for flights that have been cancelled or crashed.

  • Drinking away lost affection

    IT is a few minutes to 10 pm. The traffic has been really bad and tiring. All you want to do is get home and crash in bed. Somehow, you remember that there a few things on your to-do list that has to be sorted out before crossing over to the next day. The image of a drunken young lady struggling to walk ahead catches your fancy. Her hair, outfits and accessories spell class, almost everything comes with shades of green (natural) and when you move closer you find that she is reeking of alcohol.

    “What kind of nonsense is this? How can a pretty young lady be drinking like a fish and getting into trouble,” says a middle aged woman. Yes, she must have been drinking like a fish, indeed. This goldfish is likely to have fallen out of the emotional aquarium, out of comfort and she is feeling out of place and confused. A fish (heart) out of water (love) is as good as dead.  “I just cannot believe that this lady drank to this state. I suspect that she may have been drugged by a man (desperate heart) who must have taken advantage of her and now abandoned her,” says one of the judges on the emotional bench. He goes on to paint another likely scenario this way: “Sometimes, I think our girls need to be caned properly. They have become so greedy and follow all kinds of characters, especially the old fool’s labelled aristos, all for money. See where this one has landed herself now. This ‘monkey tail’ treatment is usually a result of our girl’s greed for fried snails, cow tail pepper soup and others.

    A falling and fading beauty on the streets. Who or what the hell is this? Could this drunk chic be on a suicide mission? Is she crying over emotional split milk? How did this pretty damsel get into this state? you wonder. You are not alone, a few other busy bodies like yours truly get inquisitive like the cat and everyone begins to imagine what could have happened.

    The babe in question has gone blank; it’s so difficult to get any information about where she is coming from or where she is heading to. Sadly, it is getting pretty late and it’s time to vanish to our ‘tents’. Volunteers?  Luckily (or is it unluckily), a volunteer emerges from the small crowd. It’s the king of boys himself (an area boy clad in jeans and singlet), grinning mischievously. Two of his set of teeth are missing and the others are coloured from smoking and probably eating kolanut. “No worry, I go help her jare. Na she go first drink, abeg if trouble too much na to shak and forget your sorrow oo. Me sef don drink but me I dey see, no be today, welcome to our club.”  Laughter and some comments about her unladylike action. Nicely, he offers a hand to assist her get up on her feet and as she struggles to get her balance, she falls into his arms, leaning, clinging and cuddling this God-sent for support. They move on like a pair in love, but we all know that they are strange bedfellows.

    Goodbye, the mischievous volunteers wave to us all, and the crowd disperses finally.  As you move on, the image of the lady tethering on the brink of alcohol poisoning is more than hilarious. Rather than laughing at her, you just cannot help but pity her. Then your mind begins to imagine what would happen next. Would this Good Samaritan deliver her at her doorstep intact or would he divert the emotional traffic elsewhere? Worse still, you begin to imagine the indignity of her staggering into the thug’s colony  and becoming a ‘feast’ for the thug and  his other gang members, who are probably high on something at that moment of the night.

    In the lyrics of ‘Drunk in Love’ by Beyoncee, the heart gets filthy when liquor gets in. The thinking cap faculty would certainly be on sabbatical and just cannot function properly.

    Flashing lights at this point are just meaningless. Everything fades and while you try to unravel this emotional mystery, the web is likely to get thicker and thicker. Sadly, it is only when your head clears, possibly after midnight (when the harm must have been done).

    Falling in love takes you to a state of mind that you just cannot define at that point. It is, however, worse when you get drunk or resort to drugs to escape from the sad reality that dawns on the victim of a heartbreak. Sipping and getting into an emotional fire can be a disaster. So what you eat, drink and the quantity you drink (feelings) really matters.

    This takes us to the fruits and fruit salad conspiracy along the emotional corridors. Here, some men claim that women are like fruits and taste better when they are fresh (young). Interestingly, many prefer to have a little bit of everything (fruit salad). Like love ‘salad’, the trick has to do with presentation. It just has to be something enticing to the eyes and pleasing to the palate. Good looks should taste good, but over time taste buds have discovered that it is not what you see that you get.

  • Prey in the emotional jungle

    WHAT happens when you step on emotional toes? Well, that unfortunately is Moyo’s predicament at the moment. Slim, tall, with a flawless skin and curves in the right places, she has succeeded in stealing hearts from dusty emotional shelves. Why not! An eye (heart) for an eye (heart). Scroll down memory lane and you also find that our dear friend was once a victim; valuable hearts had vanished courtesy of some emotional shoplifters.

    Recently she ran out of luck and was declared ‘wanted.’ She took to her heels and tried to find solace in the emotional jungle. The rugged owner of a missing heart did not give up; she staked everything to have her pound of flesh from this hawk – the one that had caused her so much pain. Strategically, she combed the nooks and crannies carefully and finally found the queen of hearts looking remorseful. This was not time for sermons, and so she was beaten to a state of coma, with memorable scars. Jungle justice! It’s the norm and so it is best to thread with caution.

    If you do not want to be an emotional prey, then you must be in charge of the terrain. Don’t also bite more than you can chew. Always make sure that Cupid’s arrow is on target and if you miss the target, there is no harm trying again and again. Arrows? Yes, they are symbols that we see all the time. From the street signs, road markings and markings on doors indicating direction to a choice location.

     This also reminds you of Jeffrey Archer’s book, a Quiver full of Arrows. Fortunes are made and squandered, honor betrayed and redeemed and love lost and rediscovered. In this collection of short stories, you find the passions that drive men and women to love and to hate.

    A good hunter must have a quiver filled with sharp emotional arrows (strategies). Love birds need different arrows for the different phase (s) in their relationships. Arrows also have their different functions and you must understand the terrain. When you use a wrong arrow for the wrong target, it is not likely to work.

    What you are ‘chasing’ would determine the type of arrow required to achieve your emotional aims and objectives. In the emotional jungle, you run into all kinds of hearts. Hearts that are as gentle as a dove, hearts that are alluring as well as romantic. On the other side of the emotional divide are Lion’s, crocodiles, antelopes, hyenas and antelopes.

    Sadly, the emotional wilderness can be a death trap if you are not careful. You are likely to run into trouble when you list expect it to happen. On the prowl are hearts that are as cunning as a fox or hearts that are as wild as the tiger.

    If you are unlucky to fall hopelessly and helplessly with hearts in this category, then you must have your quiver filled with deadly emotional arrows. The arrows you chose would ultimately determine who becomes the prey in the emotional jungle.

    Without the required arrow in your custody, you are likely to be lily-livered and abandon the heart that you have be longing for , lusting after and wishing you had for keeps. Winners are usually wild with emotions and aware of all the tricks (arrows) in the quiver during the emotional hunting expedition.

    Learn the ropes, improvise, as well as update yourself with skills that would give you the sobriquet as hunter of hearts like lions and not just hunting for the emotional ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches or rats. The crux of the matter is that hearts in this category are not worth dying for.

    Surprisingly, in the emotional terrain, women are better hunters. They have mastered the skills and ultimately used it to capture and get what they want. In the woman’s emotional quiver are tears, smiles, patience, endurance, nagging as well as intrigues.

    Having the right arrows without making use of them is as good as not having them at all. In addition, a good heart hunter must know how to put the emotional arrow on the bow and draw it back to meet its target. The further you draw the bow (love), the more distance it goes or covers.

    You therefore cover more distance by showing love consistently, sharing your affection and substance dutifully. It is very important to talk nicely to the person you think you love, claim you love or that just makes your heart skip a bit all the time.

    Interestingly, the best emotional arrows aim at  trust. It is the arrow that controls all the other arrows in your quiver. You can be sure that once this affectionate arrow is missing in your quiver, then you would miss the target. Love without trust isn’t love. Like a doubting Thomas, you are going to see a dove in the emotional woods and imagine that what you are looking at is a tiger.

    When you also see a rabbit whispering sweet nothings into your ears , instead of turning around to caress  this cupid-sent angel , all you see is  a heart luring you to the rabbit hole, to be strangled, cleaned up and adorned with condiments before ending in the pepper soup pot as ‘ bush

  • Just window shopping…

    BUY one, get one free. That’s a familiar phrase. We all like to get things free and when the bargain is right, then purchase is as good as done. Using one stone to kill two birds, interestingly, is not a bad idea.

    That precisely was what an Indonesian woman did recently. She desperately needed money and decided to sell her house. However she was still very attached to the house and so she also offered her hand to a suitable buyer of her house.

    Interestingly, she has found a man willing to both buy the property and marry her.”His name is Redi Eko,” Wina Lia, 40, told her happy story. “He is also looking for a wife.”

    Like her, Redi is also a single parent. When he heard about Wina’s financial difficulties, the 46-year-old state-owned company employee offered his assistance. “He will sell his house in Lampung [in Sumatra] and will use the money to help me,” she said.

    Wina put her two-bedroom, two-bathroom house, which comes with a fish pond and spacious backyard, in Sleman, in Yogyakarta province, up for sale two months ago. The asking price was around $76,500. Her online ad went viral, thanks to the tagline: ‘Buy the house and marry the owner at the same time.’

    I wish, I wish, I wish. This reminds one of the popular song by R. Kelly. A song about a heart that’s missing in action. It takes you from fantasy land where your imaginations run riot and you begin to imagine that you have the heart that you’ve always dreamt about in your kitty. Next you just want to hold, touch, talk to and be with this treasure forever.

    Criss-crossing your fragile mind are memories of the good old days together but just when you think you found what you are looking for, it slips away again and you are back to square zero.

    This interestingly is what happens to a lot of us when we go window shopping. You do this at the state when your purse (heart) is empty and you feel like purchasing a new heart. The search for a replacement takes you sometimes on a wild goose chase. Conversely, it could be shopping for something fresh and something that may ultimately give you joy. Look until you commit ‘lookery’. When you finally find what you think your heart desires, the next thing would be to pay and have it for keeps.

    This interestingly is where you hit the bump. The price tag is not realistic. Still determined to give it your all, you do some emotional assessments, juxtaposing the alternative forgone with your scale of preference. If it is exactly what your emotions crave for, you may just not mind emptying your pocket or bank account. When this does not measure up, then you may become more daring and sell off one of your prized possession just to have this heart.

    To purchase a heart in the emotional market, you must know what you are looking for. Random Sampling (kisses) isn’t likely to get you far at all. You must also have the capacity (experience) to buy what you want at the right time, in the right shop, as well as at the right market.

    If you want a trendy heart, then the best buy would be in the emotional boutique – glitz and glam. But again you must not be colour blind here. Don’t go for grey (dull heart) when what you truly desire is a red (hot variety).

    The crux of the matter however is that some people don’t really know what they want to buy. If you fall into this category, the emotional supermarket is waiting for you. You would surely be mesmerized because everything is here in duplicates. Big and small, fat and slim, fresh and frozen, dark and lovely or fair and white.

    Oh dear! It’s quite expensive. Why not! You are likely to buy more than you actually bargained for here. It is actually temptation galore and by the time you step out, you would find that you have actually bought the things you do not like or need.

    Too late! If you are the type that is miserly, then you would end up with hearts from the local market.

    It is cheap and you do not need receipts for hearts purchased. Quality control is also not guaranteed.  Everything is at your own risk. The worst place to be is the emotional black market; it is a place for desperate hearts. Everything here is shrouded in misery, mystery and secrecy. No direct sales, the transactions are done by middlemen that you may never see again.

    Flings? Yes and also the fact that you just can’t tell what you are buying and who is selling what. Yet, sometimes what you get may just meet up with your standard but if it does not, then you run into trouble big time. Like adulterated fuel from the typical black market, your heart would definitely grind to a halt.

  • Playing to the emotional gallery

    THE emotional terrain is very complex; just when you think you have your finger on the issue, it slips away like the proverbial golden fish. That is why it is important to keep, nurture and treasure what you have before it slips away. You must have a strong bond, something that can pass the test of the emotional time.

    Interestingly, this is a field that thrives on frivolities, things you think do not matter actually matter a lot. Whether it’s your first kiss or your last kiss; whether it’s with someone new or with your longtime partner; kissing certainly leaves an impression; one that lingers long after your lips have disengaged.

    Sadly, it is not every ‘kisser’ (lips) that gets this lifetime opportunity. Who wants to kiss a nobody? Who wants to kiss a mouth that has been infested with cancer? You probably would understand this better if you witnessed something yours truly experienced recently.

    A small crowd recently gathered in front of a Lagos restaurant. It is the typical Lagos crowd, inquisitive as the cat or just being the usual busy body, minding other people’s business just for the fun of it. Can’t really blame anyone, there is so much tension around and this perhaps is one of the best ways to easing tension and being their brother’s or is it sister’s keeper?

    Like the rest of the pack, your eyes finally rest on the subject matter. Oh no! It’s awful, a young man having seizures, rolling all over the place. He struggles to get up and then falls into the gutter. Like a man drunk with alcohol, (love) he struggles to come back again, hoping to conquer his state (heart) but this time around, he falls back hopelessly and helplessly again.

    What he has within is not sufficient to tackle the harsh realities out there. In a short while, the onlookers go into the archives to fish out his physical, financial and emotional history. So, if they are used to seeing him this way, why are they making a mountain out his molehill.

    Bruised, battered and confused, he continues to do his thing oblivious of the noise and attention that his condition has created. What he needs now is support (counseling) and attention (love). Well, he is not likely to get this from this maddening crowd.

    Then someone remembered that he once had a beautiful girlfriend, a heart that once made his world go round. “So where is the idiot’, retorts another. “Who wants to stick with a liability? Trust women, they are only there when everything is rosy,” ends the character who played up the emotional agenda.

    The crux of the matter is that the chief judge and the other judges, on the emotional bench are right. Everybody loves a winner; we just don’t have the patience for losers at all. The rosy side is greener anyway and it is usually difficult to get the emotional horse to a river that is polluted with sickness, disappointments or poverty. Hearts are satisfied when the dude or babe is clean, good-looking and financially buoyant.

    Do you really blame them? How many hearts would fall for someone whose bank accounts are in red, someone who has just gone blind, lame, reached menopause or convicted? Poor guy! That unfortunately is the way love deals with a lot of us. You fall, fall and fall again. Hopelessly and helplessly, sometimes never finding your bearing again.

    The only memories that you are left with are the scars, pain and frustration of never finding love again. At this point, what our friend needs is love and understanding. However, you can be sure that the reverse would be the case. Tales of condemnation from emotional convicts, those who ironically had trampled on the emotions of others without understanding the gravity of the emotional crime committed.

     They usually have the audacity to condemn another heart because they were not brought to book for their emotional shenanigans.

    Emotional seizures occur when we are confused and are not in control of the situation. At that point, you find out that so many things would be running riot in our brains and you are bound to make lots of mistakes. Making mistakes means that your rating would fall and you are bound to be castigated for the actions you took or did not take.

    For a heart in this state, everyone around you seems to understand the issues that you are confused about. They would all proffer solutions that are poles apart and expect you to run around in emotional circles trying to fill the yawning gaps.

    Once you fail to meet up with the great expectations, you would be mocked, laughed at and ultimately become an object of emotional ridicule. In order to live up to expectations, you may begin to do certain things that you would not do ordinarily. Instead of getting out of the woods, this may also get you more depressed while you play to the emotional gallery.

    Your emotional disorders have a tendency to bring recurrent seizures and you would just not be able to fathom how to stop or reverse the state in which you have found yourself.

    Epilepsy like the emotional corridor is a bundle of confusion. While a school of thought believes that drug and alcohol misuse has been the cause for many, you find another group preferring solution from what many think could be the problem. The second school of thought actually advises that liquid medical marijuana shows promise against severe epilepsy.

  • Refuelling your emotional tank

    WATER, water everywhere and none to drink. This comes to mind when you compare what’s going on with the fuel scarcity at the moment. A car (heart) without fuel (love) is useless. It can’t go far. Even if it is a brand new car, with gadgets that are fantastic, you are not going to go far if you can move it (heart) at the pace you want.

    Fueling (loving) a car (heart) sounds easy but when it comes to the nitty gritty of it all, you discover that it is a very complex (whims and caprices) process. The routine of washing the car, servicing it at the right time would determine if you are in charge or not. In addition, choosing the appropriate fuel is important because this can also mar the process. Adulterated fuel, like adulterated love, takes you to the ‘End of the Road”.

    Timing is crucial. It is wrong to do the last things first. Experts actually advise that it is better to fuel the car in the morning and not in the middle of the day because heat creates vapour, which leaves space in the tank. Some people can also be miserly with the way they dole out their affection. Interestingly, fuel experts warns that doing the refueling (loving) once in a while may damage the fuel pump (heart) or wear out the filters (emotion).

    The driver of the car should be in charge and know when to fuel and refuel the tank without stress. Sadly, there are times, when those in the emotional saddle discover that their emotional tank has been emptied and they are stuck. That is what ought to have happened to a bride recently. Unfortunately, things just did not go as planned. She dreamt of love, imagined it during the day and looked forward to the physical actualisation of the forever happy-ending kind of tale she had read so much about.

    Unfortunately, this was not to be. Just when she thought that she had the emotional world in her pocket, the emotional thief and pickpocket strolled in and had the last laugh. It is worse when you are cruising on the emotional highway with a heart that does not know what he wants. That was exactly the scenario that she found herself.

     Her dream man changed his mind and walked away. He chickened out at the last moment and she was back to square one. That is a bad dream and nobody looks forward to this in a relationship. Sadly, it is the reality for many. Just imagine how you would feel like as a bride being left at the altar under dramatic circumstances.

    An empty aisle. It should have been love, but it is over. Emptiness, bitterness and frustration. Tears and more tears. The emotional turning-point can be explosive. It starts with a small spark that spontaneously combusts and starts a wild fire that just can’t be controlled. Poor dreamer, you still wish that it wasn’t true. Sometimes, you wish that the flames will die down. But when it ignites just before the most daunting commitment of your life, the blaze seems to blind you from seeing the forest for the trees. All the truth of the matter is that many of us just cannot imagine living a lifetime in that kind of heat.

    A bride recently fell into this category and no matter how hard she tried; it was difficult putting this emotional miscalculation behind her. “All this left me with a wedding and no groom.”

    The harm had been done but she decided to make the emotional exit memorable in her own way. So she called her photographer in tears and decided to have a photo-session without the groom. Instead of canceling photography coverage, the heartbroken lovebird decided to use the photos to help the healing process.

    She was really strong and came to the realisation that she could have a wedding if she turned her mind to it.”What I learned is that a wedding is something entirely different from a marriage,” said Jones. “A wedding is about all the people and things that come together to witness two people get married. A marriage is just about the bride and groom. So when my entire family decided to come to New Orleans anyway and see me through the aftermath, it became evident that all the same people and things that made up my wedding still existed. There just wasn’t going to be a marriage. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything optimistic at first. I was just grateful I wasn’t alone.”

    Interestingly, the source of her inspiration was the photographer. “It wasn’t until my photographer suggested doing a photo-shoot anyway that I realised something truly beautiful happened out of all the ugliness. It was the first time my entire family was together in one place, just for the sake of being together, for over a decade or more. And they all came together to hold me up. Somehow, the solidarity and seeing and feeling unconditional, forgiving love radiate from them made the pain of my ex-fiancé’s decision almost irrelevant. In the armor of my family’s strength and support, I could face the battle of heartbreak without fear or humiliation. I cried. I laughed. I sang. I danced. And somehow, in an indescribable way, I won. Did I get married? No. Do I still have a lot grieving and healing yet to do? Yes. But all of that will be okay in time because, in the end, I got so much more than a wedding.”

  • It’s a thing of the mind

    ALL, dark and handsome. Those were the qualities she had always wanted in a man. Somehow, she ran into a gentleman who almost fit into her dreams but it just didn’t work out. At a point, Debbie thought it was better to change her emotional criteria and give others a chance. It was at this point that Afolabi walked majestically into her life. Was it a dream come true?

    Well, for about 18 months it looked like it was a dream come true. Midway through the love adventure, this lily-livered lover began to make a u-turn. Was it going to hit the rocks and crumble or was it something she could still salvage? At the crossroads, he struck with a wedding invitation with another lady. Shattered, the reality of the game hit her and she was stranded. It took her another two years to stand on her emotional feet again.

    Now, she’s dreaming about a man who would be committed; someone who would be ready to keep a long-term relationship. You have to work for it and make sure that the emotional ground has been properly prepared. What you actually need is a ‘mature man’. Maturity does not have to do with age or anything physical.

    It’s actually a thing of the mind. An emotionally mature man is a man who would never shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life. He would always be willing to share his feelings, no matter what he is going through.

    Here, we are talking about a man who would allow the woman in his life to ‘see’ what he is passing through, no matter what. If you invested energy in a man only to painfully discover that the apple of your eyes is deceiving you or simply could not sustain the relationship, then it can be really sad.

    In those good old days, Tayo was actually the best thing in her life and Labake just could not find her bearing without his dose of affection. But to her utmost surprise, the relationship took a deep emotional nosedive. What went wrong? Was it her fault or his fault? Well, she just could not place a finger on what really went wrong.

    Interestingly, a lot of women often wonder why the men who once swore to die for love suddenly chicken out of the race.

    Naturally, it isn’t going to be for the same reasons because it is usually different love strokes for different love folks. Indeed, there are a number of reasons, whether emotional or not, that can make a man stick in no matter the odds or fall out, even at the slightest provocation.

    Growth and moving to a deeper level of commitment in a relationship depends on your determination. You must be convinced about making it work as well as understand that things work differently for a man than they do for a woman.

    If you don’t understand why they should think in a different manner, then you’re likely to have some problems relating with him. Once that special bond is lost, then you can be sure that things would begin to fall apart and your ‘love centre’ would never hold again.

    Knowing the basic skills and how to make use of these skills can be very helpful indeed. You also need to understand the personality and the crucial role gender plays in the total input and output.

    The truth of the matter is that women find it easier to move on to the commitment stage in relationship once they’ve found what they are looking for. It is not so easy with men; first they have to contend with the many ‘love voices’ they are hearing in the background. Sorting the voices can be really difficult for some and even when this is sorted out they move into the next stage.

    Here, the man in question wants to be sure that he is not being boxed into an emotional corner. He wants to be certain that this ‘love mine’ is for real, that there is something to treasure as he gets deeper and deeper in this love train.

    The woman is at a critical stage too. If there is one nagging question that women love to ask, then it must be what’s inside the mind of the men they love and admire?

    If only they had a clue to these burning love questions, then their relationships would not have crashed in the first place. The best thing to do is to try your best to make it work out. You also need to constantly look out for new ways to make it more interesting. Once you have discovered these love tricks, then you can start thinking of gaining incredible new insights as you move on.

    And when you are moving on, you also need to ask some basic questions like: Is your man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate?

    If the answer to these questions is in the negative, then he is likely to be spiteful.

    The kind of man who talks about solutions and not problems, is compassionate and possesses the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity and sensitivity.

    In addition, the type of people he spends his time with also matters a lot. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world. Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled? You need to ask yourself these questions about the man you are considering investing your heart in.

  • Raking over the coals

    A number of times, we like to be nice to the other person. At such moments, we believe that our silence would be golden. Unfortunately, this is not always the case because the other person continues to take you for granted and why you failed to address explodes and gets back to you.

    Too bad, how come what you have been avoiding is happening to you? Could it have been better if you had had the confrontations earlier on? Is it a fallout of the words you aren’t saying, the red flags you’re ignoring or those eggshells you’re tiptoeing around? If our happiness is chronic and unending, then maybe we aren’t addressing something that needs to be seen.

    He had put in so much in a relationship that turned out to be the worst experience in his life. He got blamed for things he knew nothing about and just when he thought it was better to tell his own side of the story, he got reprimanded again and again. His heart certainly had been raked over the coals and he just does not know where to start from.

    Friends and foes, all think he must travel that route again and they begin to give him tips and likely options. His heart was still blank. Naturally, an old flame came to mind. Great idea, they had some unfinished business that was interrupted by a rude heart. It was a sad experience because the intruder did not fill the vacuum that he left behind. Instead, he created a bigger hole in the heart of the girl he really loved and abandoned her in a lonely emotional corridor.

    Yes, he was still in love with that babe, but again so many ‘stinking’ waters have passed through these emotional waters. The truth of the matter is that Cynthia is not likely to be the same again. Her heart has been battered so badly and then she may also be feeling guilty about making the wrong choice. Those who have seen he recently also say that she has become a shadow of her former self and it won’t be easy rediscovering love in this battered terrain.

    So, he concluded that it was better to move on and allow this sleeping ’emotional ‘dog to find love elsewhere or rest in emotional peace.

    To survive on the emotional terrain, you just have to keep the flame burning nicely. Two wonderful hearts at the beginning have warmth but as time goes on, the warmth within may just not be enough to keep you going and soaring to your dream heights.

    You must replenish with coals that would make you glow and burn nicely. You can only do this when the heart that you are cruising with is compatible and the when the charcoal of affection is of good quality. The heat from such emotional tangle must be mild, warm and soothing. However, if the heat is harsh and wild, then you are in for trouble. You are not likely to find emotional peace except you get a fire extinguisher to set you free.

    Now, it was obvious that he had been chasing shadows and that earned him so much criticism and frustration. A new emotional flame certainly sounds better, fresh, as well as untainted. This sounds better and he just cannot afford to go though the experience he had been through in the past. Falling in love with Cynthia had actually cost him so much and at a point he almost thought it would be impossible to move on with the pieces.

    When you rake someone over the coals, you criticise them severely for something that they have done. You reprimand them for some wrongdoing.

    Raking people over the coals was something that was practiced in Europe a few centuries ago. If people suspected that you were practicing witchcraft, or that you didn’t believe in things that the church said, then you were accused of being a heretic and dragged over red-hot coals of a slow fire. If you survived the ordeal, then you were declared innocent. If you didn’t, well it was just too bad.

    It is therefore important to understand the issues as well as how to handle it properly. If you’re keeping score in your relationship, then there will always be a loser. You’ll never have a 50/50 split, right down the middle, through each and every season. And if your scorecard is full of markings and deductions from the past – like that time he stormed out and you felt abandoned – then you’re sowing the seeds of resentment. Better to let go, let it be.

     One important fact is that every relationship requires sacrifice and compromise. It also includes taking care of yourself, enforcing your boundaries, making time for the things and people who bring you joy, and prioritising your needs.