The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • No matter how hard you try

    IT was a few minutes to five o’clock and she had to get ready for a date with her fiancé in the next one hour. A strange call came in at this point saying he was not feeling fine and she was asked to come over to give a helping hand. Sophia dashed to the place only to discover that it was a set up. The person had also called her man telling him that she was cheating on him and he could come over to see things for himself.

    It went as planned for those who tried to frame her up, but it was all a big lie. Makinde believed it all and told her it was all over. It was the first time she ever found herself completely speechless with a man because everything happened so fast.

    How was she going to defend herself when he had been fed fat with lies and she just did not know what to do? It was better to move on with the pieces, give him time to discover that what he saw was not the true picture or look for another opportunity with love. The emotional corridor is fraught with a number of challenges and inadequacies and sometimes no matter how hard you try, things can really get out of hand.

    There are times when you find that the heart you are keen about all of a sudden becomes “distant” and withdrawn, and you just can’t figure out why. Dotun is feeling this way at the moment and he just does not know what to do. Sadly, the twenty-nine year-old guy recalls how he began to develop strong feelings for a lady he wanted to be with, but she seemed ambivalent and “wishy-washy” about the situation.

    After spending lots of time and energy into the emotional process, she came out to tell our dear lover boy that what she was experiencing for him was not love. It drove him nuts and he began to wonder why she was afraid to commit to him and somehow he just could not understand what she was up to or what was wrong with her.

    Gradually, he came to the realisation that the relationship had been tilted in one direction for so long. All this while, he had been in a relationship with a woman who took him for granted, or just didn’t value him as a person.

    The music reminded her of the good old days; then she was in her late teens and it was the period when she met her first love, the heart that made hers skip as long as it lasted. Unfortunately for her, that relationship ended abruptly; she couldn’t even place her finger on what went wrong. She had three other relationships that turned out to be worse than the first and they all continued to shatter her heart in phases.

    Now, Sandra is at a stage where new relationships aren’t exciting anymore. She has gotten to a point where her heart has become very dull and she feels like all men are “the same”. This is very sad, indeed, but it is not wise to dwell too long here if you still want to have a great relationship.

    Of course, she may be right and it brings to the fore the harsh realities of the love process. If you continue to do this to yourself, you would ultimately get to the point where it makes you just want to give up.

    A number of people are actually feeling this way and for them it is difficult to move on positively into another relationship. They could also move on to another stage where they fear that they won’t be physically satisfying or attractive to their partner no matter the number or years in a relationship.

    Once you start to think that the person you love won’t be as attracted and in love the way you feel, then there would be a lot of mix feelings here and there. One thought that would keep on ringing a bell in your mind is the fear that the heart that you cherish so much might end up with someone else.

    Added to the trauma is another secret fear; the point where you begin to have the feeling that you may never experience the passionate life-long love you dream about, and that you might end up lonely and alone.

    A lot times, we think that every relationship should be like a smooth drive. Unfortunately, there are lots of bumps on the emotional avenue. As a matter of fact, relationships most often start off “hot and heavy”, but then quickly and unexpectedly turn ice-cold.

    Everyone who has had the experience of feeling like they have finally found something “real”, and sharing themselves both emotionally and physically, only to have them suddenly pull away.

    There are some keys you need to know about if you want your partner to grow more attracted and in love with you over time, instead of less. It is important to learn how to effortlessly create that intense attraction that your guy needs to feel with you if your relationship is going to last and grow.

  • PURSUE YOUR DESTINY (XII)

    Good day ma’am,

    I just read your piece on the “Mystery of Godliness” and I absolutely love it. Thank you for your inspirational and educative articles. May almighty God continue to bless and enrich you with knowledge.

    Adebola Adeyemi

    Dear Temilolu,

    I appreciate your spirituality, sense of dedication and commitment to our girls. Please keep the fire burning.

    Engr. Bayode

    Spiritual Intelligence (Contd.)

    Spirituality is a personal experience and it stems from a deep connection with a higher force which is our source. When we recognise and understand our source, we then develop a direct and dynamic relationship which would make life easier for us to live and in fact be our guide in the wilderness of life. You’d recall I gave an example of David who boasted of being more intelligent than his teachers because he constantly meditated on the word of God.  Now, I ask again – if you constantly feed on your source and rub minds with God, who or what can rule your world or drive your destiny? No one but you! Therefore, the first key to developing spiritual intelligence is meditation. Through this, you not only have knowledge of your source, you are able to understand it, comprehend it and apply it in your journey through life. In the meditative process you learn about yourself and the power you can harness. Meditation helps you control your thoughts and feelings, sharpens your ability to discern truth from illusion, and thereby make more intelligent choices. It is the torch light of your soul in a dark, dark world as this. Now tell me, how can darkness overshadow a life that is filled with light? A mind without God is the devil’s play ground. If you can master the lyrics of the latest hip-hop songs word for word and still have fantastic grades, then you should be able to memorise hundreds of verses in the scripture which will keep the devil away and catapult your destiny.

    Advantages of Spiritual Intelligence

    1.    The presence of God

    You’d recall I mentioned that constantly meditating on the word of God is one of the keys of spiritual intelligence. One single verse in the scripture is more powerful than the combined anointing of all the powerful men of God in the world. Reading the scriptures is reading God and rubbing minds with Him and when you get used to Him and you carry His spirit, you automatically carry His presence. His presence lights your path and guides you all the way, shields you from every evil, opens doors, shatters obstacles and grants you uncommon favour etc. Your words not only carry fire and power, as you speak, the heavens stamp and authorise it. What more? You imagine a thing and even without sweating it is established! Whoa!

    2.    Accurate dreams and visions

    When you get yourself acquainted with God through the scriptures, holiness becomes your lifestyle and you would love to communicate with Him by praying ceaselessly and fasting. This not only ignites your inner man, it daily increases your spiritual connectivity such that before long, by the time you wake up every morning, you already know what would happen to you in the course of the day. These revelations come naturally and if there’s any evil coming, you are quick to disperse it. Though the devil also manipulates through fake dreams and visions, with time, you can discern the real from the fake. You constantly get a lot of information not only about your future but about people around you, people far away from you, people you don’t even talk to, and in fact revelations of what would happen in the polity and expos of your exams-WITHOUT ASKING. Amazing!

    3.    Divine directives

    No matter the level of anointing the world’s greatest G.O. carries, the battle of your destiny is strictly between you and God. Of course, your pastor can support you with prayers; however, he may never be able to give you the key to unlock your greatness. The key is more often than not God’s divine directive. Also, one divine instruction can save you and your entire generation from ruin that would have been caused by an evil diversion caused by your carelessness and too much dependence on others. Concentrate more on God, learn to carry Him on your head and let Him constantly talk to you! You will turn out a wonderful wonder – even you will be dazed. I know what I’m talking about o!

    4.    Angelic assistance

    When you are saturated with the spirit of God, you will always be surrounded by angels. In fact, I dare say, they will love you to pieces especially when you love God with all your heart. They will be so protective of you, be your spies, arrange for your needs to be met, make a way for you where it seems impossible and even stretch their love and provision to those who make you happy! Now, can you imagine what they’d do to those who are poised to make a mess of your life? Please permit me to stop here (smiles).

    Do you have a star that must shine or a dream that must come true? Do you want to get back at life for kicking you in the teeth? Do you want to be right where you are destined to be? Acquaint yourself with God and let Him place you on the chariots of fire that will carry you to your promised land!

  • Fate of untrusting climber

    Imagine you are 20 ft. up in the air, climbing a wall with nothing keeping you from falling except a harness, rope and your climbing partner who is down there holding that rope. The first thing that comes to mind is how sturdy is this rope that is holding me up and the next thing that comes to mind is if your partner would prevent you from falling.

    It is, therefore, up to your partner to pay attention to what you are doing and to adjust the rope accordingly. It is also up to you, the climber, to trust that you will be eased gently down the wall to the ground when you have reached the top. The crux of the matter is that a distracted partner could mean not only a bumpy ride down the wall, but also your safety in jeopardy. At the same time, an untrusting climber could hang indefinitely on the wall, refusing to move.

    It is literally a leap of faith when you let go of the holds and allow yourself to be lowered down. Just like in the love relationship, the climber and partner must work together, stay present, and communicate clearly so that the climbing experience will be enjoyable, so that none of the parties concerned ends up in a casualty ward. So it goes with intimate relationships. It is not uncommon for one or both people to feel vulnerable and wonder whether or not the other person will be there when needed.

    Pamela had been in three different relations in three years and they all crumbled living bitter memories behind. At a point, she made up her mind not to entrust her heart with anyone again. However, her parents kept on bothering her about the need to settle down because they believed that age was no longer on her side. It got to a point when she just had to have a change of mind and give another heart a chance.

    Shortly afterwards, she found a heart that was as sober as hers and gradually they began the emotional journey and discovering the better sides of each other. It was great fun and she thanked God for giving her the opportunity to have a rethink about heart matters. Everything worked as planned and in a short while they got married. The first two years was like a miracle and everyone admired this lucky twosome.

    However by the third year, Pamela began to notice some gaps and the worse was that her Romeo thrived on lies. Almost everything he had told her in the past were lies; he continued to tell more lies and there were times when she could not tell what was true and fake in the things he did or say. This, she discovered, was a disaster. How do you continue to forge ahead in a relationship with a full time liar?

    The decision to opt out was also very tough. Where was she going to begin from and anything she said against him would be backed up with lies that would entangle and destroy everything she had built? Building trust in a relationship is the best thing to do but sometimes this can be very difficult. A lot of people think they know how to go about their relationships, but most times it doesn’t work as planned. Building trust is a very important part of a relationship, and without it relationships can be very stressful.

    Unfortunately, trust is often taken for granted when it comes to intimate relationships. After taking the emotional leap, lovebirds come to the realisation that things are not going the way they wanted or dreamt romantically about. We usually trust or don’t trust that the agreements we’ve made with one another will be kept. These may include staying faithful to one another, continuing to deepen your connection, or “being there” for each other no matter what, among other possible agreements.

    Interestingly, when we really look at the day to day lives we lead with our partner, the big question we need to ask ourselves is if there is really a strong sense of trust? Weaknesses in trust can range from intense to more subtle. Even when there is no real evidence to indicate it, many still worry about their partner cheating on them from time to time.

    Creating trust and intimacy with your partner is very important if you want it to be successful. Almost every one of us has had a past relationship that left us feeling wary of loving or trusting anyone again. Tune into your current situation and allow yourself to move on from those old hurts. This may require acknowledging the ways that the past comes up for you in the present.

    Sometimes we hide habits, tendencies, even desires that are important to us because we don’t trust that our partner will approve of them. We undercut intimacy by keeping this barrier up to hide what we think won’t be loved. In effect, we don’t feel lovable as our true selves. Make it a goal to appreciate yourself – “warts” and all – and then allow every part of you to be seen by your partner. Chances are your love will be more accepting than you think.

  • Going back to the drawing board

    BRIDGET is not the kind of gal that you find around these days. Even on campus when her friends painted the town in different colours, got wild with all kinds of escapades, her story was different. She actually kept her virginity till her final year on campus when she met the one she fell in love with. “I thought that I had found love. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and I trusted him with all my heart.”

    So, what happened? “One day I went to see my dear Gbolahan and he told me that he would be travelling for a training programme. I was excited because he told me that he would be away for only two months. I did almost all the shopping for him and went with him to the airport the night he travelled. I was happy and looked forward to seeing him soon. As soon as he left that night, I felt a vacuum in my heart. It looked very boring without him and I started counting the minutes, days and months.”

    On the eve of the day Gbolahan told her he was going to come back, he sent her a letter. A love letter? No, it wasn’t. It was a letter betraying her emotions. He simply told her not to wait for him anymore because he had found love elsewhere. He had travelled with this new found love and they had tied the knot already.

    Ha! Could this really be her Gbolahan? Had he always been like this or was something amiss somewhere? Well, the truth of the matter was that he never really loved her. It had been a journey of lust and when he found a younger babe, he decided to drop her for ‘good’. It’s been over eight years since Gbolahan left but Bridget is still stagnant, still in love with this emotional Judas. In the process, she appears to have lost everything. All the guys who would have done anything to have her by their sides then cannot look in her direction anymore. She is indeed a shadow of her former self just because someone trampled on her emotional side. But this shouldn’t be the case.

    She should have learnt the principle which says that when one emotional door closes, then you need to open another door. It could actually turn out to be better than what you want to die for if you give the love opportunity.  Bridget was like the rose flower, but that is no longer the story now.

    The rose flower is indeed very attractive. It is pretty and great to behold. Of course, that is why beautiful ladies are sometimes linked or described in this context. However, when a rose is trampled upon, it loses it value; it is no longer great to be admired or cherished anymore. Interestingly, this applies to some of our beauties who seem to have lost their identity and the things they placed a high premium on turned out to be a source of great disappointment.

    Just before they get hooked to their Prince Charming, they are like roses, beautiful, adored and admired by all. Now that they have found their dream man, Mr. Right, or is it Prince Charming? then you would expect them to blossom, fly higher to cloud seven.

    But to their dismay, the reverse is usually the case. Now, that they are faced with another version of the Beauty and the Beast tale, they go back to the drawing board. Unfortunately, it may just be too late. Their emotions like the rose have been trampled upon and sometimes they never really get out of this love woods again.

    It could be tough finding your bearing in a relationship where the guy is neither here nor there. The experience is what experts call an emotional roller coaster. The stress of living through an “on again and off again” relationship is better imagined than experienced.

    Unfortunately, if you are trapped in this kind of situation then you need to take a decision now. Naturally, it should be goodbye to the wishy-washy noncommittal man.

    It is indeed a tight emotional rope to walk on. Just when you think you have finally come to the end of the difficult part of the rope, it snaps off and you are back to square one. It therefore becomes very difficult for you to express yourself.

    At this stage, what you are going to have is a situation where you would always be wondering and withholding your love because you’re not sure if he’s really going to be there for you, or not.

    You are also going to be in a confused state; a state where you may not be able to predict what to do next and everything gets messy before you know it. Yes, the crux of the matter is that he is being reckless with your heart and your love. A man who loves playing the abracadabra game with your heart should not be taken serious at all.

    The truth is that if you go on like this, and don’t figure out what to tell him and how to handle his behaviour, you’re going to stay stuck in this situation. Interestingly, love can bring out the best in you and your partner. But this can only happen when your love is aligned. If you’re in an “on again, off again” relationship then you’re by definition not aligned with your partner in your love.

  • Getting a better bargain

    WE all like to talk about great emotional exploits, the forever happy tales and tales of new hearts that have just been conquered. But this is just one side of the emotional coin. The other side which a lot of us like to sweep under the carpet  features the intrigues, treachery and blackmail, which are the strategies that help a greater number of people to survive in this highly competitive environment.

    While the exciting side of the emotional coin can be compared to that delicious and appetising menu, the other unsavoury side compares to the vomit. It is unpleasant in all ramification of the word.

    So, the big question is why do people who should know better end up being victims of the emotional vomit? you ask. The truth of the matter is that to be a complete heart, you must taste the two sides of the emotional coin. Allison’s heart has been in and out of the emotional tunnel and at a point, he felt he just needed a change of environment to get his sanity.

    “I relocated to a new neighbourhood about six months ago and I ran into an ex girlfriend. I was so excited with the connection and in a short while the old flames were re-ignited,” recalls Allison.

    He continued: “I thought she was the answer to all my emotional misfortune and started to build a new future together again. Unfortunately for me, I did not know that she had another motive. One day, I went to work and left her at home. When I came back home about five hours later, I realised that she had moved out with not just her belongings but everything I had laboured for all my life.”

    Like Allison, Dotun is also a victim of an emotional vomit. For about two weeks, Dotun could not eat, drink or work properly. His body, soul and mind were in disarray because the girl he loved so much dumped his heart in the garbage. This made him a shadow of his former self and he was sick.

    Dotun was in bad shape and he kept on vomiting. His younger sister gave him some medication and he felt better afterwards. By the time he got better, he realised that he was feeling very hungry and to make matters worse there was nothing to eat in the house. As he walked towards the bathroom, he saw the content he had vomited earlier on but sadly it had been polluted. This certainly cannot be consumed again, no matter how it is presented.

    Vomiting is the involuntary, forceful expulsion of the contents of one’s stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. This can be caused by a wide variety of conditions; it may present as a specific response to ailments like gastritis or poisoning, or some disorders ranging from brain tumours and elevated intracranial pressure to overexposure to ionising radiation.

    Interestingly, you can compare a failed relationship to these reactions. Going back to an ex therefore means going to an emotional vomit. It has become stale, offensive and unattractive. Why on earth would you want to go after emotion that should be flushed down the drain? Why would you waste your time and energy pursuing something that once gave you nausea? Why would you stuff your heart with something that stinks? Or why would you upset your stomach with content that has expired?

    The truth of the matter is that emotional vomits, most times, are not worth going after. You can be sure that whoever or whatever situation that makes them represent themselves has some ulterior motives.

    It is only a few relationships that enjoy smooth experience and become a reference point for others. The normal process is to run into a few bumps on the emotional corridor, rediscover your potential and see if you can still make it down the road.

    Usually, you can be successful when you recognise the problems and challenges ahead of time. From this point, you get better when you have found lasting solutions to the problems threatening your emotional existence.

    You will definitely have a much better chance of getting past them once the answers have been found.

    Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love lives going, says marriage and family therapist, Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround.

    They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counselling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

    After six years, Deborah’s heart began to melt for affection. She also became desperate to settle down and have children with the new guy who found his way stylishly into her heart.

    Good news! Again, she was in a one-sided show and this dude just wasn’t ready for any emotional trap. On his part, Soji was just not ready to settle down and it was obvious that she was wasting precious time and emotional energy. For the records, he had repeatedly put off the wedding plans twice and this was the third attempt at making this marital dream a reality.

    Age was also not on his side and she began to wonder why he was being elusive at this stage. The chic in question was also intelligent, beautiful and hardworking. Now, he has suddenly cancelled all the arrangements, saying that he is just not ready for a serious relationship.

    Purposeful use of distraction techniques can actually be of benefit in coping with emotions that are strong, especially those that you are uncomfortable about.

    Fear, anger, sadness, and shame are emotions that are very difficult to deal with, and, as a result, they may lead people to using unhealthy coping strategies, such as alcohol or drug use. Although alcohol and drugs may initially work in taking away an intense feeling, this is only a temporary fix. In the long-run, alcohol and drug use often leads to more intense emotions and other problems.

    Given this, it is important to learn how to cope with very strong emotions by using skills that do not put you at risk for long-term negative consequences. One such skill is distraction and it helps to temporarily take your attention off of a strong emotion. Sometimes, focusing on a strong emotion can make it feel even stronger and more out of control. Therefore, by temporarily distracting yourself, you may give the emotion some time to decrease in intensity, making it easier to manage. Distraction is not about trying to escape or avoid a feeling. With distraction, it is implied that you eventually will return to the feeling you were having.

  • Sweetness after the storm

    FOR Cecilia, the past few months have been chaotic, indeed. The lady in her mid thirties has had to work on so many projects and family engagements that could not be shelved. Personally, her philosophy in life is that what must be done must be done well. So, she put all her resources and energy into the activities and made sure everything was in order.

    By the time she was sure that everything was okay, Cecilia realised that the stress had taken a toll on her health. She decided that it was better to take a break for two weeks. Naturally, travelling came to her mind and she made arrangements to go out of town for a while.

    It was fun and Cecilia met new friends. Fortunately or unfortunately two days before the end of this memorable holiday, Cecilia slipped and got a dislocation in the right arm. What a pity! The pain was simply unbearable and the trauma made her forget the sweet memories she had just experienced. She then had to ask for an extension of her leave to sort out this silly arm that now became the centre of attention.

    Her boss granted the leave extension and advised her to take things calmly. The first few days and weeks were very traumatic for her. The arm ached so badly and she wondered why it chose to happen at this point. As a matter of fact, the strain reminded her about the bitter memories from her last relationship. “Emeka was an ungrateful idiot. When I met him, he had no job, no house and was nothing except his degree. At that point, he looked very humble and appeared to be righteous.” She strongly believed in impacting people’s lives and she began to help him open doors that had been closed for so long. “I had some savings in the cooperative society of the organisation that I was working for and I was allowed to borrow twice as much. I gave the money to Emeka to start a business and he was very happy at that point.”

    Was that a smart thing to do? Well, we can’t really blame her because love is about giving and sharing. “He used the money to start a business and things went right. I also introduced him to a number of friends and acquaintances and he got a number of contracts in the process.”

    Two years down the lane, Emeka’s fortune changed and for his sweetheart this was the best time to show gratitude. She was wrong! Just before she realised that she had made a mistake, he began to tell her that she was not fit to be his better half. “Suddenly, he began to complain about my dress sense and a number of other things. I told him that I would change and he agreed to give me another chance.”

    Was this lover boy truly going to give our friend a second chance? “About six months after I got a letter from Emeka saying that he had travelled to the United States and that he had married someone else.” Poor Cecilia, she was devastated and her heart sank. She promised never to fall in love again. Thinking about this grand betrayal now made her health deteriorate. Interestingly, the doctor on duty took a keen interest in her. It turned out that he was another victim of love and somehow they got closer and closer. He turned out to be the man she had been waiting for all this while.

    The big question here, is how do you find your bearing when you are at an emotional crossroads? First it is important not to play the blame game. Assigning blame will cause the other person to either get defensive or feel worthless. Neither of those feelings promotes peace in a relationship. When blame enters into the conversation, then one person becomes the victim and the other becomes the reason why bad things are happening. Does that sound like a platform for a loving and peaceful relationship? You are in this relationship together and assigning blame just creates a separation in your partnership.  Resist the temptation to assign blame, band together, and work through the situation like partners.

    One other thing that you need to do is to remember why you fell in love with them in the first place. When we are upset with our partner, it is easy to focus on what we think they did wrong, or even what we think is wrong with them. How productive is that mindset? What we focus on expands and becomes more noticeable. Wouldn’t it be better to remind yourself what you love about this person and why you fell in love with them in the first place? If you want a happy and peaceful relationship, apply the life skills of positive thinking and positive focus.

    If you find yourself feeling moody and argumentative, focus on the blessings in your life. Focus on the deep value that your partner has added to your life. By shifting your focus, you shift your state away from the negative and toward the positive.

  • Tune to his frequency

    THEY have been together for about six years, but sadly Morenike’s man went from being the sweet and romantic gentleman she met and married to a lonely “roommate”. In a short while, all the fun and excitement faded. Did she do anything wrong? Nothing really. However, friends and associates began to justify his action saying that a husband or boyfriend will naturally start to lose his desire to be romantic as time goes by.

    Was she at the end of the emotional road? Something deep down urged her not to give up so easily but work at getting back the love, passion and romance she truly deserves from her man. This motivated her to get him back to being romantic, charming and fun again. It wasn’t so easy and it was impossible to get back on track, luckily she got connected once more tuning to his emotional frequency. During that depressing period, she learnt a lot and spent a fortune on books, seminars and counselling.

    When you get the right connections in emotions and radio frequency, communication certainly is smooth and you enjoy the message. The electric currents that oscillate at radio frequencies have special properties not shared by direct current or alternating current of lower frequencies.

    Experts also inform that radio frequency current does not penetrate deeply into electrical conductors but tends to flow along their surfaces; this is known as the skin effect. For this reason, when the human body comes in contact with high power RF currents, it can cause superficial but serious burns called RF burns.

    A lot of people are actually sitting somewhere thinking of how to save relationships whose frequencies have been lost. The truth is that such relationships have gone through turbulent and trying times and they definitely need something new and attractive to get them back on course.

    The best way to inspire the heart that you love is to let go of the fears, resentments, over-functioning and general negative feelings that got you to this point in your relationship. Once you get rid of the negative side, then it would become more interesting and exciting as you tilt towards the warm, feminine energy that drew this heart to you in the first place.

    The reality is that a lot of people find love, key into the emotional system only to discover that what they have is not what they actually anticipated. When they get to this emotional crossroads, they are confused and gradually begin to get out of touch with what makes them happy.

    In these moments of desperation, the emotional playing field gets dirty and from that point they begin to look for the gaps and shortcomings of their partners. Instead of building trust and consolidating on gain, these sets now prefer to chase emotional shadows which would subsequently take them two steps backwards and one step forward.

    If you do not want to find yourself sinking in the emotional terrain, then you must understand what you want as well as set realistic goals for yourself. It is better to learn specific techniques for getting more out of your relationship as well as doing and demanding less.

    Once you get this right, then you will learn and understand how to stay true to yourself and make your relationship better by getting back to what makes you happy and fulfilled at the core.

    Women are usually at the receiving end in a lot of relationships and it is therefore important to learn to “soften” and naturally inspire your man to adore you the way he used to do when you first met him.

    Getting back to the core of your most attractive and inspiring self means letting go of over-doing, over-worrying, over-analysing and just working too hard to keep things going. If you’ve been in a relationship that’s been troubled for a while, you know how the fights and disagreements can drag both of you down.

    Unfortunately, things do not usually go as planned sometimes. When you get to the critical junction in your emotional journey then you need to do a reappraisal of the situation. First, you may need to find out what went wrong , why did his or her feelings change towards you as well as what can be done to make the one you cherish bring back his or her love to you?

    It may just be that you may have committed a few emotional errors. This includes tying to “rationalise” the situation and tell your heartthrob how good you think your relationship is, and how he’s wrong for not wanting it or seeing all the amazing things about it.

    Unfortunately, this strategy did not work. So you went on trying to be sweeter and more affectionate, hoping your love would be reciprocated and open back up to you but all this did was annoy him further.

    The more hurt you felt, and the more he saw this, the less he seemed to pay attention to you and your feelings, or care. As a matter of fact, he may have become colder and more distant the more he saw that you were hurt. The crux of the matter is that the harder you try with a man, and the more you attempt to talk things out with him the less responsive and “emotionally available” he becomes with you.

  • A heart that never sleeps

    AKINSOLA sat in the reception waiting for his friend and schoolmate. His heart was in a state of turmoil and he had not slept for days. Suddenly, his attention shifted to the movie on the television screen and he became relaxed. He watched for a few minutes and fell asleep, slept like a baby and by the time he woke up, he felt better and different. Akinsola is about 29 years old and his heart had literally been to hell and back many times.

    Apart from the emotional tales, his personal story is also heartbreaking. At different point he had had to take a break from all kinds of loss. From the loss of his beloved mother to the loss of a promising career, loss from friends who were ever ready to exploit him as well as the loss of three promising relationships. Oh dear! Where did he really go wrong? What did he do or didn’t do right? Is there really hope for this endangered heart? Those were the questions that kept riveting in his mind when he escaped briefly to ‘slumber’ land.

    Sleep is an essential part of life. It is a phase no one can ever ignore and it is necessary to be fit, alert and healthy. It is obviously the end process for our daily activity and after the daily activity, it is essential to have a good night rest. This naturally ushers into a fresh day and the energy used up the previous day is replenished.

    You can, therefore, imagine what would happen to a heart that never sleeps. We also need to note that depriving yourself of sleep can be for positive reasons. Here, there may be something that you want to change and so you may need to work round the clock to meet your targets. This compares to a city that never sleeps. A place that is filled with activity, a place where social and economic life goes on round the clock with lots of fun in the air. Certainly, it must be a commercial nerve centre and a place where there would be something for everyone. Here it is possible to get attention, quick money as well as fame. The only sacrifice you may need to make from time to time is to deprive yourself of sleep.

    Of course, you can be sure that in this city, your goals would be met in a short while. You would also be smiling to the physical and emotional bank from time to time. Determination, dedication and perseverance obviously would help you drive through the city and conquer its assets as long as you can over stretch yourself.

    But the big question here is how far you can stretch yourself (heart). Life and love, interestingly, are elastic; ever willing to expand and allow you achieve your dreams. However, when you stretch it beyond the limits, it cuts off and that is when things fall apart. When you overstretch your emotional boundaries, what you run into may not be pleasant at all. Bad! And when you have the guts to take a closer look, you would be shocked to find a heart that is decaying.

    All efforts put in obviously were to fill in the gaps for others. You may have put in so much and obviously got so little in return. Those sleepless nights, nights of toiling, may have left nothing but worry, heartaches, a belly filled with animosity, despair and eye bags. On the surface, it looks like a dream come true, but deep down you know that it is all a mirage. There is a big hole in your emotional heart and it is getting deeper because you are the only one who can feel the emptiness within.

    Isn’t love about sharing? Perhaps, you thought that toiling for love would make things better and conquer the restless heart that caught your fancy. Now that things are not working according to the emotional plan, is it better to chicken out and tell the world that this isn’t love after all? In your mind, you may just come to the conviction that no one is ever going to understand what you feel or what you are going through. After all, experts would tell you that it is indeed a selfish world and only those who are stingy with their emotions appear to have the emotional world in their pockets. Determination to conquer against the many odds is therefore the reason for clinging to the ‘sleepless’ philosophy alone.

    This probably explains why many hearts prefer to toil round the emotional clock believing they would win the bold and the restless heart with time. Their desire usually is to change the mindset of the rebellious heart, to tame their emotional tigers and swing the emotional pendulum positively in their direction. Once in a while, your heart and body just cannot take it anymore and then you find yourself in the land of dreams. What a great relief! Unfortunately, that is not the feeling here and for a heart that has been deprived of sleep for a while, it revolts snoring angrily in return. This brings more provocation and this result is a nightmare. It would take you back to your sleepless state and if you are not careful, crash to emotional pieces.

  • Counterfeit as toast of the town

    A few years ago, Maureen was faced with a hard choice. Two gentlemen had asked for her hand in marriage and she had to make a selection. It wasn’t really an easy task but the vain part of her heart took over. One was very handsome while the other wasn’t so good looking at all. At a glance, Henry the handsome guy who was also the toast of the town should come uppermost on the emotional scale. Deep down, she had her reservations about this guy.

    Reason: “His heart was not as handsome as he looked. Even though he was really nice to her at that point, she observed from his interactions with others that he was shrewd and callous. On the other hand, Remi was a kind heart, very generous and had a wonderful personal relationship with almost everyone around him.”

    Then another voice painted images of a handsome husband on the wedding day and a good looking man by her side. Shouldn’t this be what she should aspire for?

    Is it better to wake up in the arms of Mr. handsome every day of her married life? Well, she voted emotionally for the handsome dude and a few months after they tied the knot.

    Now, it is barely a year and the emotional signs are not too good. Mr. handsome simply grew from bad to worse without any apologies. The writing on her emotional wall brings tears and somehow she wished she could change the hands of time as well as cancel this emotional arrangement that has become a torture. Too late, our dear friend is stuck and it feels worse stepping out of this incompatible circle.

    It is inevitable that in every relationship, there are going to be differences, and everyone has days when their emotions can get the better of them.

    The problem is not that we have differences in our relationship, the problem lies in the way we handle those differences. When our ego gets in the way, we can easily say or do things that threaten the peace of our relationship and increase the level of relationship stress.

    Instead of putting the peace of your relationship on the line when there’s a problem, it is better to develop the life skills needed to resolve problems with consideration, awareness and respect.

    One basic truth for lovebirds is that we need to chose wisely and not get carried away by the outward things that glitter. We must also resist the temptation to misrepresent ourselves when making friends, just to impress the other person. The objective of making friends is to get to know the other person, not to mislead them into liking you. Are friendships that aren’t based on honesty really worth having? If the other party cannot accept honest communication, then they are not much of a friend!

    Friendship should never require that you both agree on everything. So, when making friends, don’t be afraid to have your own views and opinions. Any friend worth having will respect you for being honest about how you feel, and what you like and don’t like. Of course, you need to be tactful and willing to respect their views and opinions also.

    Some friendships last a lifetime, some only for a little while. Some friendships are very close and personal; others are limited in their scope. People and situations change, that’s just how life works. Accepting these realities will put you at ease when making friends because you won’t form unrealistic expectations.

    Regardless of whether you have lots of really close friends, or just a few, the important thing is to value these special relationships.  Always be grateful for the special connection you’ve made with these special friends, and be willing to work at keeping the friendship strong, because a true friendship can bring so much value into the life of both people.

    Stress has an insidious way of undermining every aspect of our health and happiness. Nowhere is this more obvious then in our closest and most valued relationships. Have the anxieties and pressures of daily life or a constricting economy begun to seep into your home life?

    When we are feeling the effects of stress, we need to feel that our home is a safe haven where we can find relief and comfort. A happy relationship can make all the difference during challenging times. Sadly, more and more couples are experiencing the divisive influence of outside stress in their relationship with their mate.

    Are there steps we can take to protect the happiness of our relationship during times of stress? When the pressure rises, is there some way for couples to actually draw closer rather than allowing their relationship to be torn apart?

    Handled correctly, challenging experiences can actually bring couples closer together. This is not to say that they will be immune to the stress. What it means is that working together and facing their challenges as a unified partnership can deepen their bond and add new depth to their relationship.

  • A ripple on emotional waters

    A ripple on emotional waters

    PLANNING romantic outings, giving thoughtful gifts and maintaining a robust sex life, all help to make our love lives exciting. So, why do we have problems having the romantic fantasies that we all dream about? The crux of the matter is that most of us have limited funds and other demands on our time and money that make it hard to prioritise quality time with our significant others.

    There are things we can do to bring a renewed sense of vitality to our relationship that don’t involve spending large chunks of money or time. Experts are always ready to tell anyone who cares to listen that a healthy sex life is key, with good communication the hand that turns it.

    Interestingly, some people just do not know how to keep long-term relationships, no matter how hard they try. If you have an opportunity to speak with those in this bracket, you would obviously discover that they just can’t cut it when it comes to relationships.

    They’ll break your heart, no matter how great you are for them or how much better they are without you.

    The wise thing to do is avoid them if you can and save your heart. This you can do by spotting these emotional characters and avoid them before it is too late. If you are unfortunate to sail in the same emotional boat with such a person, you may just end up wasting your time. It is therefore better to work on a positive action plan to zero in on a lovebird that can create a lasting, amazing relationship with you.

    The next question here, therefore, would be how you attract love that has quality. Love, interestingly, is everywhere and we are surrounded by people with attitude that are good and positive. When we are truly open to recognising, giving, and receiving love, something incredible happens.

    It is therefore better to work at it and do your best to make things work. This is one of the best ways to turn your love life around.

    It starts with creating a small and simple “shift” inside you. And it’s this one small shift that radiates out like a ripple on the water to start having a dramatic effect on everything else.

    This would naturally take you away from feeling “stuck” and frustrated with the same kind of dead-end hurtful relationship to finally breaking the negative patterns and cycles. It could just be the answer to the kind of love that you have always imagined; the type that you knew was possible deep down but could never seem to arrive at with a man.

    Even when you finally find your emotional rib, you still have to continue to learn ways to maintain this relationship. Like every other thing in life, the maintenance of love is important than its acquisition. It is actually going to cost you more at this stage than what it cost you to acquire your lovebird.

    It would naturally take a toll on you because it can be energy sapping, lots of resources likely to go down the emotional drain; sacrifices that would hurt as well as consume lots of your physical and emotional time.

    To do this successfully, you must learn to talk about “why” you need to let go of certain things from time to time. Ridiculing or humiliating each other is not a good idea, or a good omen. But if you can both talk honestly about what irritates or upsets you and why, you are more likely to understand each other better. It can feel easier to avoid being honest if we feel that could be hurtful, but it is only with honesty that trust is built, and trust is the essence of a good relationship.

    As you stroll along on the different emotional pages in your love book, you would also find that there are different qualities to sex and that your feelings would change from to time. First, you would discover the passion; the urgency of reproductive sex or what is also dubbed as the snatched sex in the early years of parenthood. From this point, you move on to the slower intimacy of midlife onwards. But our culture presents only one type as being valid: youthful, vigorous, and usually penetrative. It is possible to maintain a happy sex-life for decades with the same person.

    It may not be as often, or the sort of sex that you think you should be having, or think others must be having, just relax and enjoy this special kind of intimacy together. Understanding all this would make you know how to deal with issues of lust and infidelity in your relationship. The great wonder of middle age is that we know our time is now limited. If you have managed to surf the ups and downs of bringing up children, work and making ends meet all within the same relationship, the rewards can be great. You have a wealth of shared memories to laugh over. You accept each other in your entirety. Rather than fearing getting older, remember that many couples in a long relationship find these to be their happiest years together.