The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Feelings would get ruffled from time to time

    Feelings would get ruffled from time to time

    THE first rule in a relationship is that you cannot give what you do not have. This naturally means that you have to develop your personality and self worth to get a heart that matches your dream.

    In addition to this, you must also love yourself before you can truly accept love from someone else. Unfortunately, a number of people do not work on themselves and expect that the heart they are falling in love with would walk in and fill in the emotional gaps. Developing a strong sense of self worth will help stabilise your relationship and you will experience greater peace and fewer conflicts. On a daily basis, hearts that are meant to be together fall apart never to be mended again. Others are actually sitting on an emotional bomb that may explode any time from now. Why is it easier to extinguish love flames instead of keeping the flames alive? Interestingly, experts believe that a happy relationship is made up of two good forgivers. Being imperfect and flawed human beings, there would always be a time when we deviate from the emotional plan and we offend or hurt our partner. Look around and you would find emotional plans and strategies that have been muddled up by one or both parties.

    The crux of the matter is that feelings will get ruffled from time to time and that is why it is better to have an open mind as well as forgive one another. It is wrong to go around looking for reasons to feel offended, and when it happens we don’t want to assume that it was intentional. Forgiveness builds peace. Holding a grudge and making someone feel guilty destroys that peace. To maintain peace in your relationship, master these two life skills and be the mature emotional candidate.

    One way to stay on top of the emotional game is to listen with your heart. For instance, hearing what someone says is not the same as really listening. When we listen to someone who is important to us we should do so with the intention of hearing what they really mean, even if the word choice isn’t perfect. Listening is vital to good communication, but this requires that our motives be sincere. Conversations can easily fall apart if we are looking for an excuse to take offence at what is said or start picking apart the word choices. Listening with your heart means being motivated by a desire to understand the thoughts and feelings of your partner for the good of the relationship. It also means respecting them enough to listen without being judgmental or reading meanings to simple gesticulations.

    People who are insecure when it comes to making friends are usually scared of what other people might be thinking. When you do that, you are making it all about you; but making friends is about a connection between two people. If someone doesn’t seem interested in making friends immediately, don’t take it personal because there could be any number of reasons for their response. Maybe their life is upside down right now. Since you don’t know, why take it personal?

    Always remember that in the beginning of a friendship, everyone is on his or her best behaviour. But making friends usually takes time. Sure, there are times when people seem to bond instantly, but that is the exception, not the norm. So, when making friends, don’t expect too much too soon. Give them some space and let things unfold in a natural way. One of the most important features of beginning a new friendship is to not be scared or overly self-conscious. When making friends, there is a tendency to make assumptions on what another person may be thinking. A guy may think: “I’d like to go over and talk to her, but she probably wouldn’t be interested in making friends with someone like me.”

    Meantime, she is thinking: “I wonder why he never talks to me, he’s probably just not interested.” When making friends, avoid making assumptions. How can you possibly know what the other person is thinking? Remember, you don’t know them. Why not take the initiative to start a conversation and see what happens?

    The path to forgiveness is easier to find when there is a sincere apology pointing the way. If you blew it, say I’m sorry. Don’t let your pride get in the way. A genuine, heartfelt apology can go a long way toward keeping peace in your relationship. Life is short and an apology costs you nothing. So, be willing to do the right thing for your relationship, instead of propping up your ego.

    People who are on the same team, who love and care about each other, don’t need to be defensive. Listen compassionately when your partner expresses their feelings. They are not trying to attack you; they are just trying to tell you how they feel. Don’t treat their expressions as criticism. Listen with acceptance and a genuine desire to understand their needs. This is not a power struggle, it is a conversation. When your partner expresses their feelings and needs, it’s about them not you. Accepting that you are both on the same team will help you resist the urge to be defensive.

  • Agree to disagree and move on

    IT was tough getting a boyfriend and later a fiancé because Morenike was deaf and dumb. For a long while, it looked like an impossible mission but somewhere along the line, Mr. Right crossed her path and he turned her life around positively. They got married and their love story sounded like those tales heard of only in romance tales.

    Just when Morenike thought that every fear associated with love and relationship was over, Biodun died. It was a very devastating period for her and she just did not know where to pick up the pieces. After mourning her beloved husband for the specified period, the reality of life dawned on her having been pampered by a man that loved her so much.

    Taking care of the bills and the upkeep of the three children produced by the union also became very tedious and she decided to go to the company her husband worked for to ask for his entitlements. To her utmost surprise, his sister and another woman who ‘claimed’ to be his wife had come earlier on and collected it. Shocked? Yes, she was, but the most painful part of it all was the fact that she did not know if it was her husband who had betrayed her or the family connived to deal with her this way. Could it be that she did not play her role well or was she very slow at interpreting her man’s body language?

    It is therefore important to start by developing more awareness of your own role in your relationship. The crux of the matter is that nobody is perfect and when a difference arises, you must try to become an observer of your thoughts, your emotions, your needs, and your ego.

    One way to develop this life skill is to ask yourself questions like:

    What do I really want at this moment?

    Is what I want coming from my heart or my ego?

    Will getting what I want help our relationship or hurt it?

    Will getting what I want strengthen our relationship or weaken it?

    If I keep insisting, what will that do to the peace of our relationship?

    If you consistently respond to these things in a predictable way, it becomes expected and your partner will develop a programmed response. All too often, that response pattern will trigger another programmed response that leads right into a downward spiral. Instead of letting the conversation slip into a familiar, but nonproductive exchange, it is better to interrupt that pattern by doing something totally unexpected.

    Your gesticulations and emotions also play a great role in all of this. Used correctly, eye contact is one of the most powerful life skills for maintaining peace in your relationship. Arguing can easily escalate to the point where we are willing to sacrifice the peace of our relationship so that we can win the argument. Arguing is not an effective way to communicate your point of view, but it is a good way to sabotage the peace of your relationship. We’ve already established that good communication is one of the most important life skills for any relationship. The lesson here is don’t argue. If you disagree, fine. Just respectfully disagree to agree and move on.

    Sometimes the tension may not be as important as you imagined. It may just be a reflection and all that is needed is a little adjustment here and there. Without realising it, we often project our own internal conflicts into our relationship. How can we tell if this is the case? Symptoms vary, but some clues to watch for include the tendency to jump to conclusions about someone else’s motives or judge them according to our own personal standards. Likewise, if we are overly defensive or assume that someone is attacking us, it would be a good idea to look inwardly for some unresolved emotional conflicts.  By observing our response to others, we can easily expose our own hidden insecurities and other sources of unresolved tension or stress.

    One other thing that we need to do to make our relationship work is to accept positive criticism and look at ways to improve on our personal relationship skills. This way you would be asking yourself pertinent questions and understand how your relationship would benefit if you could understand the ways that your thoughts and actions are being filtered by your partner’s perception. This is one of those life skills that require you to put aside your ego and accept the fact that others rarely see us the way we see ourselves. If you can do that, then start by mirroring your partner’s physiology as close as possible. Stand or sit the way they do, copy their facial expressions and body language, and breathe the way they do.  From this vantage point, attempting to experience the conversation the way they would help you build greater compassion and consideration for their point of view.

    When communicating your points of view, always speak in terms of how something made you feel. Example, “When I didn’t hear from you, it made me feel that I was not important.” Expressing how something made you feel instead of what you think they did wrong, reduces the likelihood of a defensive response. When explaining your feelings, be careful not to make your feelings their responsibility as in “This is how YOU made me feel.” By keeping the conversation neutral and objective you make it easier for your partner to sympathise with your feelings.

  • A keeper for the long haul

    YOU probably have a pretty good idea of the kind of person you like or want to be attracted to. That explains what we all look out for when we finally get a steady connection. Naturally, the emotional fish in our love net must have similar interest and the physical attraction must be there to balance the emotional equation.

    HOWEVER, there are times when you meet someone you fell for at first sight and thought that this was going to be the typical fairy tale affairs. But a few months down the line, you find a different picture entirely. At that point, it becomes tales of disappointment and frustration galore.

    Somehow, you just wish that you did not fall so deep into this murky emotional waters. If only you had worn the right spectacle to discern the character before it became so late! Now that emotional day is over, you just do not know how to forge ahead with this mischievous love cat, the cat that obviously has nine lives.

    This naturally brings us to some important questions like what exactly makes a person an ideal life partner? How do you know if the person sitting across from you on that special date can create with you the kind of relationship that you crave for?

    The crux of the matter is that you must move along the emotional corridor with someone you trust, someone you would be able to lean on during the good and bad times. It must also be someone who would always resolve to help you with the challenges any couple is likely to face as the relationship progresses.

    Women who soil their fragile fingers in matters of the heart usually get burnt because it is very rare to find a man with a forgiving heart when it comes to the subject of infidelity. Only a few would resort to the go-and-sin-no more option because the society’s belief that what-a-man-can do-a-woman-can-do better phrase can never work in this scenario.

    There is usually no smoke without an emotional fire somewhere. The truth of the matter is that there are some hidden actions, whether deliberate or not, that lead to other issues. It is therefore very important to study your emotional subject very well and takes the right steps to ensure that things work out perfectly.

    For instance, if it is a greedy personality, it is likely that such a person would be blackmailed for different reasons .On the other hand, if our candidate is a womanizer, the type who is fond of using and dumping, then you can be sure that the bunch of frustrated women can align together and work towards his ultimate fall.

    And if the victim is very intelligent, then he or she would look for ways to right this sin as soon as possible. On the other hand, if the sinner is not smart and intelligent, then you can be sure that the person would go down while the enemies on the other side of the emotional fence would be filled with laughter, chanting songs of congratulations for a job well done.

    For a lot of us, the best way to play the game is to be a balanced person. Play the game with the riles in mind, always strive to work towards being a cheerful giver as well as a jolly good emotional fellow. In addition to all of these, it is also wise to keep an emotional joker under wraps, it would come handy when the chips are down and you discover that your emotional fish is not exactly what you think it is. Unfortunately, many get stuck at this point because they never imagine that the heart that they so desperately crave for is filled with emotional thorns, needles and nails of affection. These ultimate discoveries can be very disturbing, nightmarish and oftentimes lead to depression and great frustration.

  • From sweet memories to anger and disgust

    Knocking on the emotional door can be exciting when the one who opens the door is a jolly good fellow. Here, you are likely to meet a heart that is loving and compassionate. The love process becomes sweet and filled with memories that you would definitely want to linger forever. Falling in love in this kind of atmosphere naturally gets better.

    Interestingly for some people in this category, love waxes stronger and stronger. That is why it’s such a shock when, once we finally find a partner and instead of basking in the euphoria you have dreamt about all this while you begin to discover sorts of the negative trends, characteristics and feeling.

    At this point, you just cannot fathom where this emotional nightmare is coming from at all. Could this be a new trend or it has always been there, unknown to our blind, emotional eyes? All we know is that our partner suddenly seems distant and inconsiderate, or we feel an undercurrent of anger and disgust with him or her.

    For a lot of us, this certainly sounds familiar. It should, because it happens in virtually every relationship – even the most loving. It’s how you handle this common occurrence that determines whether you’ll experience the heights of romantic love or you are doomed to feel unfulfilled in your relationships.

    Courtship actually helps to unravel all the emotional mysteries that we run into from time to time. It helps you detect who you are going to be entangled with for the rest of your life or for some years as the case may be. However, there are a number of relationships where the unusual still persists, no matter how long the courtship period lasts for. Some people are damn too secretive and they would only show you the parts of their lives that they want you to see.

    If you are the nosy type, then they would put up the magical garb and the more you look the less you are likely to see. In this arena, the emotional monster becomes a saint and the dullest brain pretends to be a superstar until the show is over. At such points, it is usually too late and there is almost nothing you can do or say to change the scenario that has played itself out.

    Getting the right partner, sometimes, means that the other person’s ego may have to fade away to rediscover the emotional potentials in the other person. Someone who has enough affection in store would definitely not worry if the one he or she is in love with does not have anything, if they are truly in love.

    The most important thing, here, would be to embrace the future and all its possibilities. Here, what is required is a positive emotional attitude.

    Unfortunately, this is usually a herculean task for many. So, what is popular are cases where lovebirds make a number of mistakes and then pass the buck to the other. Buck passing, however, does not solve any problem, instead it compounds the problem and it becomes more complex than we ever imagined at the beginning. The truth of the matter is that in every relationship there would always be dark patches and your ability to lighten up the emotional tunnel would turn things around.

    Also, whenever you find that reasoning has gone out of the emotional window, then it is better to allow maturity to take over. Don’t get carried away by your self esteem because it doesn’t work out this way. Pride and arrogance should be played down if you are serious about making a mountain out of your emotional molehill. As a woman, you need to constantly remind yourself that every man has a battle with his ego.

    So, it is better to protect his ego and not trample upon it. Once this is done, you can be sure of a gate pass into his emotional archives and library. The next stage, therefore, would be for you to find a replacement. If you are lucky, then you would find another good bargain in the emotional supermarket.

    However, if you fall on the other side of the divide, then what you are likely to run into may be the autocratic man. This type of man is fully in charge and all-knowing. He is unbending, unyielding and takes no contribution from the one he claims he loves. Well, why do you need to counsel a genius in the first place? Wasn’t that what you always dreamt about, to brag about the love of your life because he is intelligent and talented?

    You have always wanted a super hero and now that you have found him, why are you making a u-turn and complaining? If you are in this kind of relationship, then you would also find that your man has no mentor. He does not fear, honour and respect anybody and you must be in an emotional turmoil. Perhaps you need to get an adviser; someone who would talk some sense into his head.

  • ‘Affection’ on the Dead Sea

    The sea brings to mind lots of water, different species of fishes and other creatures. Naturally, the picture that comes to mind is an environment that is rich physically, depicting all kinds of emotional gestures. Its natural environment is bound to be a booster for affection, attraction, infatuation and fondness.

    However, if you affection is located on the Dead Sea, you are not likely to go far. No matter what you do and the efforts you put in, you are not likely to find any fish (heart) not to talk of locating your dream fish (heart).

    The Dead Sea, historically, has attracted visitors (hearts) from all over the world for thousands of years. It is known as the Salt Lake, famous for incredibly high levels of salt – the deepest hypersaline lake in the world. This salinity makes for a harsh environment in which animals of any kind cannot flourish.

    However, it has been the supplier of a wide variety of products like balms for Egyptian mummification, potash for fertilisers, cosmetics and herbal products.

    The scarcity of aquatic life in the Dead Sea can be compared with relationships that have no future from the outset. The question here is how do you get into dead relationships? How do you determine who or what to avoid in the search for a befitting heart? A heart that would bring joy and not tales of sorrow, tears and blood. A loving heart and not a cheap sadist masquerading to be sweet and nice just because he or she is planning to rip you off someday.

    32-year-old Josephine’s heart is sinking miserably on the affectionate Dead Sea. She has actually given up all hope of finding love again after three cases of misplaced affection. “The last relationship was the most painful. We had saved some resources together to rent a house and start a family. We also travelled to see his parents and family members about three months before everything crashed like a pack of cards. It was at that point that I realised that he had been deceiving me all along.”

    On his part, he did not wait to give this poor heart any explanation about the whole emotional mess. Instead, he got a ticket and travelled out of the country, far away from this dying or ‘dead’ heart.

    Now she thinks that she has found love again but sadly her affection is with the wrong heart. “I am in love with my sister’s husband and I don’t know that to do about the situation. The man keeps making flirtatious gestures towards me and I am so confused. Deep inside, something tells me to say yes because he is what I have been wishing for all my life.”

    That is not all! “I think that my sister is very ungrateful and she treats him badly. Each time you pay them a visit, he is always complaining about how tired he has become of her. It is sad that my sister does not appreciate him at all and she does not value what she has.”

    Emotional traitor! There are so many of them around looking for hearts to be stolen and hijacked for themselves. Sadly, a lot of people live, wine and dine with traitors. They entrust their lives and hearts to charlatans who end up plotting their betrayal in a very wicked way. Hearts that hide mischievously in the background, planning how to steal what belongs to others.

    How can you continue to smile sheepishly at somebody, seduce him or her and not expect a reaction? Whether the reaction is positive or negative is another matter entirely. “How can she smile cheaply at your man, claiming that you do not appreciate what you’ve got?”

    How on earth can someone stoop so low and lose her heart to a sister’s boyfriend, fiancé or husband?  Or even a friend’s husband for that matter? What kind of friend could that be? Here it would be better to hug the enemy instead of settling for this kind of friendship.

    Besides, who made you the judge of whether or not she appreciates him or not? Are you the emotional spy, the forerunner who must step into her emotional shoes? As a good and loyal sister or friend, your only duty is not just to be trusted, be loyal and stop looking for excuses to justify your lust for her man.

    She continued: “I have been in four different relationships in the past six years but I have not succeeded in having any stable relationship. The relationships all start on a very bright note, but when I think have gotten it right, things just begin to fall apart.”

    However, she noticed that men who have a soft spot for her are usually already engaged. “When my best friend got married a few years ago, I met the best man and I really liked him. Then I began to pray that she would throw the bouquet in my direction. There and then I began to propose to me and marry me later.”

    Was this a dream come true? No, it wasn’t! “When I made enquiries from my friend, I realised that he was already married. To my utmost surprise, he also liked me so much and he wanted us to be friends. Unfortunately, we both knew that we weren’t going to go far.”

  • Two sides of emotional coin

    We all like to talk about great emotional exploits, the forever-happy tales and tales of new hearts that have just been conquered. But this is just one side of the emotional coin. The other side which a lot of us like to sweep under the carpets features the intrigues, treachery and blackmail which are the strategies that help a greater number of people to survive in this highly competitive environment.

    While the exciting side of the emotional coin can be compared to that delicious and appetising menu, the other unsavoury side compares to the vomit. It is unpleasant in all ramifications of the word.

    So, the big question is why do people who should know better end up being victims of the emotional vomit? you ask. The truth of the matter is that to be a complete heart, you must taste the two sides of the emotional coin. Allison’s heart has been in and out of the emotional tunnel and, at a point, he felt he just needed a change of environment to get his sanity.

    “I relocated to a new neighbourhood about six months ago and I ran into an ex-girlfriend. I was so excited with the connection and in a short while old flames were re-ignited,” recalls Allison.

    He continued: “I thought she was the answer to all my emotional misfortunes and started to build a new future together again. Unfortunately for me, I did not know that she had another motive. One day, I went to work and left her at home. When I came back home about five hours later, I realised that she had moved out with not just her belongings but everything I had laboured for all my life.”

    Like Allison, Dotun is also a victim of an emotional vomit. For about two weeks, Dotun could not eat, drink or work properly. His body, soul and mind were in disarray because the girl he loved so much dumped his heart in the garbage. This made him a shadow of his former self and he is sick.

    Dotun is in bad shape and he keeps on vomiting. His younger sister gave him some medication and he felt better afterwards. By the time he got better, he realised that he was feeling very hungry, and to make matters worse, there was nothing to eat in the house. As he walked towards the bathroom, he saw the content he has vomited earlier on but sadly it had been polluted. This certainly cannot be consumed again, no matter how it is presented.

    Vomiting is the involuntary, forceful expulsion of the contents of one’s stomach through the mouth and sometimes the nose. This can be caused by a wide variety of conditions; it may present as a specific response to ailments like gastritis or poisoning, or some disorders ranging from brain tumours and elevated intracranial pressure to overexposure to ionising radiation.

    Interestingly, you can compare a failed relationship to these reactions. Going back to an ex, therefore, means going to an emotional vomit. It has become stale, offensive and unattractive. Why on earth would you want to go after emotion that should be flushed down the drain, why would you waste your time and energy pursuing something that once gave you nausea, why would you stuff your heart with something that stinks? Or why would you upset your stomach with an expired content?

    The truth of the matter is that emotional vomits, most times, are not worth going after. You can be sure that whoever or whatever situations that make them represent themselves have some ulterior motives.

    It is only a few relationships that enjoy a smooth experience and become a reference point for others. The normal process is to run into a few bumps on the emotional corridor, rediscover your potentials and see if you can still make it down the road.

    Usually you can be successful when you recognise the problems and challenges ahead of time. From this point, you get better when you have found lasting solutions to the problems threatening your emotional existence.

    You will definitely have a much better chance of getting past them once the answers have been found.

    Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love lives going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround.

    They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counselling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.

    After six years, Deborah’s heart began to melt for affection. She also became desperate to settle down and have children with the new guy who found his way stylishly into her heart.

    Good News! Again, she was in a one-sided show and this dude just wasn’t ready for any emotional trap. On his part, Soji was just not ready to settle down and it was obvious that she was wasting precious time and emotional energy. For the records, he had repeatedly put off the wedding plans twice and this was the third attempt at making this marital dream a reality.

    Age was also not on his side and she began to wonder why he was being elusive at this stage. The chic in question was also intelligent, beautiful and hardworking. Now, he has suddenly cancelled all the arrangements, saying that he is just not ready for a serious relationship.

  • Swapping the pill with supplements

    WE all crave love and belonging. As we look around, the truth is that we feel better when feel loved and are appreciated.

    New friendships, new romances often bring excitement and lovebirds get enthralled in newfound connections.

    In fact, these times feel so good and many often describe it as “the honeymoon period.” A time when we get carried away and see mostly the good in the other person. As time goes on, the honeymoon period comes to an end and real life settles in. From this point, stress increases, relationships hit bumps, arguments begin to surface and, if we’re not careful, people begin to grow apart.

    Cherishing can turn to complaint, love can turn to frustration and connection can turn into what feels like an eternal distance. That original sense of love and connection becomes lost in the abyss. The connection gets lost, not because we’re not meant to be together but because we forgot to nourish what we had.

    Maureen was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened in his life. But now their emotional story has changed to the proverbial eye-for-an-eye tactics. Even though it was all over, Nnamdi still cannot understand why his emotional queen descended so low to do the things that have been unravelled.

    How could Maureen do such a thing? That is the sad question on his mind as he recounts how the girl he wanted to marry travelled out of the country with another man for two weeks. Sadly, he is still in love with her and he is not sure if he should let go.

    “At a point, I have made up my mind to forgive her but I realised that she was not remorseful at all.” But again, that is a crap. How can you forgive someone who hasn’t really admitted her guilt? How can you forgive someone who takes a delight in hurting you and making you look like a fool all the time?

    The damage had already been done and like a bitter pill, he continued to swallow the revelations as they came in bits and pieces.

    For a number of people, there are times when things go so bad that it feels like you just cannot forge ahead anymore. At such moments, you are stuck with emotional pills that you must swallow to get stronger. It is at this emotional juncture that you continue to ask yourself if you would be able to deal with it or not.

    Like the phrase ‘bitter pill to swallow,’ you are faced with unpleasant emotional facts that have to be accepted. However, those who have survived the symptoms move further from just taking the pill with supplements (something sweet and natural).

    Here, it is important to make yourself happy, no matter what is happening around you. Happiness would make you radiate from inside and your world would go round and round.

    About six years ago, Moji moved from Abuja to Lagos and joined a multinational company. Interestingly, she actually started with a part-time contract and went onto a full-time arrangement barely two years later. Her dedication and determination saw her rising to the top of her department in such a short while and it looked like she had the world in her pocket.

    Unfortunately, she was in for a rude shock when an old flame she dumped about five year back for his unfaithful attitude was employed to be her immediate boss in the office. From that point, it became an enormously difficult journey to be able to feel comfortable as well as earn the respect from her subordinates who were reporting directly to the new lord of the manor.

    Hard work did not save her from this emotional villain. All her toil and labour ended up with awkward conversations about her non-performance. It was so obvious that he never recovered from the emotional red card and he was still very bitter about the rejection. So he did everything including blackmail to make life unbearable for our dear friend.

    “It was the most traumatic period in my life. Sometimes, I sit alone where no one can see me and cry for hours. Then I came to the realisation that my tears did not change anything, it did not bring any solution to the problem but actually affected my productivity at work. It was obvious that it was a situation that I could not change.”

    In her heart, she began to search for a lasting solution. Was it better to continue to swallow this bitter pill and accept it as a cross she must carry? Perhaps it was better to search for alternatives, something that would relieve her tension. The answer finally came and she decided to resign and look for a job in a more conducive environment. She called his bluff and sent in her resignation letter. It actually ushered in the new beginning she wanted and in a short while she got a stable relationship and a better job.

    The crux of the matter is that you can’t survive in an environment where conflicts, deception and betrayal thrive. It is therefore better to go back to the emotional drawing board to discover the supplements you need to forge ahead.

    Dietary supplements are vitamins, minerals, herbs, and many other products. They can come as pills, capsules, powders, drinks, and energy bars. Supplements do not have to go through the testing that drugs do.

    Some supplements can play an important role in health. For example, calcium and vitamin D are important for keeping bones strong. Pregnant women can take the vitamin folic acid to prevent certain birth defects in their babies.

    Even though you heart has been tainted with bitterness and confusion, the best candidates in the emotional candidates are those who are determined to forge ahead and not get bogged down with emotional pills, pills that would obviously come with a number of side effects.

  • Is it thriving or you are just surviving?

    IT was Abosede’s second year on campus and she was having a swell time, indeed. Two guys were in a keen competition over who was going to win this heart. To play safe, she maintained something casual and wasn’t really keen about something deeper.

    The following year, a friend came to see her with an older cousin who desperately wanted a life partner. “He looked very handsome and I wondered why she needed to match make us. Then she told me that he was a shy person and didn’t want to waste time beating about the bush.”

    “Should I say yes or should I say no?” Question and more questions, but the desire to be a good emotional Samaritan took over. Instead of pitching her emotional tent with love she became sympathetic to this shy guy. She also wanted to please her friend and imagined that the emotional gestures would be replicated by this heart.

    “The relationship lasted for about a year and half. Sadly, the two guys who were keen about me then had to move on with their lives and they found better partners. Faithfully, I put in all my energy, love and attention into the love process and I had great expectations.”

    Why not! After all, to whom much is given much should be expected. Unfortunately, she discovered that this shy guy wasn’t so shy after all. He had a number of girlfriends who were competing favourably with our dear friend. She also discovered that she was just not a major contender and she had to dwell on emotional crumbs to survive. For her love and dedication, she reaped sorrow, tears and pain. When she just could not bear it anymore, she packed her garbage and left the rotten heart for these set emotional scavengers.

    It can be frustrating when you are stuck with a partner who just doesn’t “get it” and doesn’t show up emotionally in relationships. So, how do you fall into this category? you ask. It can happen when you dream of dating a partner that is not available. Sadly, a lot of women fall into this emotional box because they are afraid of being alone and in the process then end up picking the same kind of men over and over.

    Related to this is the fact that if you are afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with all kinds of behaviour which you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

    The great news is that the only thing standing in the way of the love you want is you. The emotional ball is in your court and you have absolute power to change that. Once you identify your asset and how far you can go, then you would be in charge. This would definitely change your attitude the next time you are in front of an amazing, single, attractive dude who wants to get close to you.

    And when you get close, you need to be sure of sustaining his attention not just for months but for years.  How far you can go would definitely depend on the value you place on yourself. If you are sure of this new asset then you must make him see you as the confident and radiant woman who has nothing getting in the way of her freely and openly giving her love as well as exploring the connection to see where the adventure could lead.

    If you put everything in and still can’t forge ahead, then you must refocus. The truth of the matter is that you can’t keep running a race that takes you round in cycles. Here, you are likely to keep trying the same things over and over again.

    If you are not making emotional progress, then it is wiser to think of another way to evolve and reap your maximum benefits. This can be done effectively when you put yourself on the other side of the wall, the stagnant wall that you have been bumping into in the past.

    For some, if given the choice, they would prefer to jump past the wall instead of continually running into it, while for others, breaking away from the familiarity and patterns of “hitting the wall” may just be a step in the wrong direction or even be a threat to your entire relationship.

    One other reason why we get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship has to do with the fear of being single or alone. Interestingly, there are times when we want to move over to the next phase in a relationship but somehow we just cannot move on. Here, we find emotional walls and obstructions that make our dreams impossible or a whole or even forever. If it is a temporary wall, then you need to think of ways to break free of the patterns that have had you running into your wall.

    This way, it would be easy for you to replace those patterns with the things that will attract and bring love to you so you don’t have to keep fighting or begging for it when you deserve it to begin with. It would certainly take you to the other side of your wall where there are no obstacles and where love and connection flow freely.

  • Just like monkey business

    A weeping bride is certainly not a pleasant sight to behold. So, why is this beautiful gem in tears? She is crying because Mr. Right did not make it to the Church on their wedding day. After all the emotional and physical efforts that had been put in place, absconding with another babe is an unpardonable sin.

    “How can Femi do such a thing to me? Why did he allow me to go this far before running away? Where am I going to start from now? Questions and more questions. Listening to her side of the story was mind blogging and you are almost infected by her tears. Then as you probe further you discover the gentleman at the centre of this controversy walked into an emotional trap.

    “I met him at a party and it was a ‘love at first sight’ thing. We laughed, talked and had a great time together from the first day. He was always travelling, but each time we were together we had a swell time. Then I got pregnant and was scared he would ask me to go for an abortion, but he didn’t. We began to plan for the wedding and he showed great enthusiasm. I saw him the night before our wedding and he looked so excited.”

    Sadly, he left a note telling her that his heart was elsewhere. She just could not trap him with the pregnancy. A Yoruba proverb which says if you must catch a monkey, then you have to behave like a monkey, aptly captures the scenario. Characteristically, the monkey likes to be in charge, but once this is not the case, it would incite.

    If you, therefore, want a long-term relationship, desire tranquility, stability with the heart in your custody, please don’t get involved with an emotional monkey. However, if what you desire is fun, laughter, mingling and great sex, then you can jump into the love boat with the cheeky monkey.

    The monkey is not exactly in for the long haul when it comes to relationship. They are in one moment and gone the next. Its reputation is for being sprightly and quick-witted, always positive and entertaining as well as manipulative and cunning. They are independent, clever and wont freak out under pressure.

    Interestingly, they are the best type of hearts to have around when a situation puts you under pressure. They are often the life and soul of great connections; a great host one who is never at a loss for vibrant conversations (sugar-coated tongue). They would be there to lift your spirit, motivate you and create an aura of enthusiasm that could move you to the next level.

    Monkeys, like their emotional counterparts, wither under routine and regulations. They dislike being bored because they like their freedom. They hate having hearts that take a delight in looking over their shoulders or one who loves to breathe down their neck. This explains why a monkey’s imagination knows no boundaries and would never follow your reasoning pattern. As you journey romantically with your monkey, you would discover that he or she is filled with magnificent ideas but they would turn out to be impractical, lavish, ludicrous and outrageous.

    Whatever type or class of monkey that you run into would determine how far you can go. From the chattering chimpanzee, aggressive and destructive baboon, clever ape or the silent and strong gorilla.

    In the affectionate arena, the issue, obviously, is not control but having a dynamic connectedness. Love, like the universe, is in constant motion and change. You must, therefore, learn to adapt and move with it.

    Perhaps, it is better to identify your comfort zone and stick to it to avoid any emotional disaster. Food for thought, indeed. The truth of the matter is that the comfort zone for many is just an illusion. In your heart, you imagine that this is the place to be; the place that would make your world go round. But as you move further and take a bend you get a better picture of the zone. It is a zone without any comfort and as you desperately move on, you are likely to step on emotional stones, thorns, nails as well as serpents. Here, you just have to run for cover, running with your heart in your mouth.

    The phrase ‘win some, lose some’ makes us understand that love, like life, should not be a do or die affair. This probably explains why many would go to any length to win and conquer a heart, celebrate the conquest and then shortly afterwards dash only to the emotional lavatory to be purged of ‘love’ that has been recycled to waste.

    The best efforts in winning a heart are not a some-time thing. It should be an all-the-time thing. In matters of the heart, you don’t win once in a while, you don’t do things right all the time. Winning with a heart that you love and cherish should be a habit; something that comes naturally and nobody needs to be forced or coerced.

    Unfortunately, this same logic appears with losing. For all you know, the heart that you have been crying for, wasting precious time and energy on may not be as good as you think it is. It is indeed nothing but monkey business.

  • Duplicate the keys to his heart

    IT was a great reunion and it started on a bright note. Friends dressed to kill with makeup that had been replenished to make them look like angels. Food and drinks and then the usual girls’ talks. Lady A set the ball rolling about her man’s escapades and how she stopped the cross-carpeting after a good fight.

    Lady B is not so lucky and she exploded: “For me, it hasn’t been that easy but I have made up my mind to pay him back with all the filthy emotional coins doled out.”Everything has actually gone upside down and her heart is hanging in the balance. “Last week, my spouse changed all the keys of the house and I was locked out.”

    Luckily, the lover girl had the keys to the boys’ quarters in her clutch bag and that is where her heart, body and soul have been finding emotional solace. Lady C’s temperament just could not contain it all and she began to think of options out of the emotional woods. “Why don’t you break the door? I think it is better to duplicate the keys and get back into your comfort zone.”

    Great ideas! Sadly, this is no longer a comfort zone and breaking in means that the emotional battlefield would get hotter. Okay, what about duplicating his emotional keys? That sounds better, but the timing obviously is wrong. How do you go about duplicating a key(s) that you cannot fathom where the originals are? Even if you do, you have to be sure that it is not a broken key. If it is lost in transit then you can go for the master key.

    The key to a man’s heart is very important in any relationship. You either have it or do not have it. There are different types of keys and only the good key is functional, useful in unlocking a closed door as well as locking up to avoid the emotional intruder. The quality of your key would determine which doors you can open, take you to the nooks and crannies of a rusty heart as well as pave the way for heart that’s been sealed up.

    Even when his emotional keys are in your custody, you must ensure that what you are holding on to is the genuine copy and not a key that cannot open any door (s).

    If you must duplicate the emotional lock, then you must start early and be prepared. This master plan would produce the key to his brain (to modify how he thinks), the key to his legs (movement) , key to his stomach and taste bud (food), key to eyes (keep him from looking around) as well as the key to the bedroom. The key to the senses are vital in every relationship. For the ears, it must be something sonorous and something pleasant. Nagging must not be an option if you want to be in control. Like the musical keys, your emotions must be exciting and attractive. For emotional fortune, you must select tunes in the major key sound which is usually cheerful unlike those in minor key sounds that are gloomy. The patterns of the pitches in major keys mirror excitement, whereas the minor keys reflect the subdued speech.

    So when you want to fall in love, look out for a fast, loud, jumpy rhythmic sound. This reflects the way an excited person behaves and you can be sure to be infected by this jolly good emotional fellow.

    The fear of the emotional keys should be the beginning of wisdom for lovebirds.  Every woman must be in charge, be a perfect alternative for any intruder who wants to take over stylishly. You would be uppermost on this man’s emotional scale of preference and it won’t be so easy to push you out through the window or backdoor. If you fail to produce the right key (s) then you become a visitor, stranger or an unwanted guest in this romantic adventure.

    Interestingly, there are times when you have all the keys and yet you just cannot cross the emotional Rubicon.  Here, stern-looking emotional guards, armed to the teeth, won’t let you cross over. If you dare put up a resistance, then you can be sure that they would throw you into the streets far away from your emotional door (wooden or steel), door hole and keys.

    The guards are there to avoid a clash with the new ‘key holder’, the one who has captured your beholder with the computerised keys. Like a robot, the heart that once chanted , ‘yours sincerely’, the heart that could not sleep because of your smile , the heart that fell for your kisses , the one that swore to abide by the love vows would shift just by the touch of the emotional remote buttons.

    But if you are dealing with a local champion, then the set of keys required would be quite different. A sophisticated set of keys won’t get you anywhere. As a matter of fact, it is going to stall the process. Here, all that is required is a kick starter and the antics required here is pulling the right wires together. But remember that this heart can pack up anytime and anywhere. It certainly won’t be a reliable heart and it would most likely disappoint when you least expect.