The Nation Newspaper

Category: Feminique

  • Why do men prefer fair-skinned ladies to the dark-skinned?

    Omo pupa o, omo pupa lemi n fe, omo pupa o, jowo mo feran re o. Ti n ba de London, maa wa fowo oko ranse, omo pupa o, jowo mo feran re o (Oh! Fair-skinned lady, I am in love with fair-skinned lady and when I travel to London, I will send flight fare to the fair-skinned lady I love).

    History has shown that black people with lighter skin were treated better. The above popular number from the highlife maestro, Victor Olaiya, gives credence to this fact.

    In the days of slavery, the dark-skinned blacks worked on the fields while light-skinned blacks worked in the houses. Hence, the terms, field Negroes and house Negroes. It got so bad that not only did the slave owners, who were often responsible for the higher shade of brown slaves give lighter-skinned blacks more respect, but so did the dark-skinned blacks. This evolved into generations of blacks both consciously and subconsciously teaching themselves that one is better than the other which eventually led to billions of naira being made in fake or artificial hair industry.

    Obviously this, by every standard, is a very sensitive subject, but I need to get it off my mind because I have secretly nursed this thought in my head for long. I have always wondered why men prefer fair-skinned ladies to us, the dark-skinned. Just to buttress my view, I have met and known ladies who were once dark-skinned and suddenly became fair-skinned. They would spend fortune just to lighten their skins. Some even go overboard and become too light for their own good.

    From toning a bit, they graduate to full-blown bleaching; and when this cannot be maintained due to the huge financial implications attached, their skins become damaged and they end up with rashes different coloured skins all in an individual. Do the men even know the trouble some women take just to meet up with their expectations?

    Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against my fair-skinned sisters and friends. As a matter of fact, my childhood friends, Ayisat and Helen Egume, now in Abuja are all fair-skinned and we have been friends like for ever. We are closer than ever. At the risk of sounding a little jealous, even way back when we were in school, they had all the toasters in the world. For every 10 men that made passes at them, I had only one. Haba! Is it a crime to be dark-skinned? Must all of us be fair-skinned at all cost?

    After I had managed to put my school experiences behind me, I met and fell in love with my man. My man is dark-skinned like me, and we were just fine with each other. Until their office recruited a tall and fair-skinned lady to work directly with him, it is was fine by me because I knew that my man needed an experienced assistant who would help reduce his workload. Before his chairman recruited the lady in question, we actually discussed it over lunch one day and I was like, why not?

    When I ran into this lady, her beauty struck me. You know, for a lady, she was on the tall side, light-skinned, I am sorry, did I say she was light-skinned? No! I mean, she was dangerously fair-skinned! O’boy, I became uneasy with the realisation that they had to work and tour almost half of the country together, alone for that matter. It, therefore, came as little or no surprise to me when it filtered into my ears that they were having an… no I mean they were becoming too close for comfort. Without wasting much time, I did a quick check with my pastor and after ceaseless praying and fasting sessions, my bobo is safe back into my hands. But I tell you the truth, I almost lost him to that African oyibo.

    Anyway, the bitter truth is that research has shown that 70 percent of men would rather go for fair-skinned ladies rather than dark-skinned ones. Perhaps, it is because they are more notifiable or perhaps it is because the men want their kids to also be fair-skinned. I don’t know, I am not a man, but I do know that they go for them before they come for us. I once worked for a boss who swore never to date a skinny or slim lady. He said to me that no matter how pretty a lady is, he would never approach her for anything unless she is on the fleshy side.

    Jokingly, we asked him to consider a situation where he was trapped with a slim lady on an isolated island. Again, he said never, he would not go for her. For him, to win his heart, a lady must have lots and lots of flesh on those bones. Thereafter, we had a client we had to handle a brief for, and the client had a very slim, very pretty and yes, very fair-skinned daughter. Before we could say Alhaji! Our boss found himself spending hours conversing with this lady.

    I don’t know how his fiancé then now his wife, got wind of it and to prove to his finace that he had nothing to do with our clients daughter, he brought her to formally introduce to the lady. After the introductions and exchange of pleasantries, they decided to call it a day and drove home. What jolted my boss to reality was when he asked his finacee what she thought of his platonic friendship with the lady, the finacee said: “Alhaji forget this lady, I know say she dey lim side, but this one yellow o”.

    Need I say more?

  • When you’re the other woman

    Life as a mistress or the other woman generally is not fun all the way. Some ladies become secret lovers to their men not really by choice, but by chance. For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress, please  wait until you know what the situation is before you judge.

    Speaking on this,  a friend who I will simply call Agatha had  this to say: “I am not a home breaker or a seductress. The man I am dating now has been married for 18 years. We have been in this relationship for two years. He has an extreme case of obligation to his wife. I know he loves her and our relationship does not in any way distort or threaten his marriage.

    “At my age, it is difficult to get a single man to date and keep myself happy. I have continued with this guy. He and I were best of friends before we became intimate. Sometimes, he is there for me. Most of my nights are cold and lonely because of his obligation to his family. He only sees me when he likes or when he has a misunderstanding with ‘madam.’ He would be at my place to cool off. For now, it is okay by me.”

    Another lady, Funmi, spoke in a similar vein. “I am a lady who has been having an affair with a married man who is deeply in love with me. We met many years ago as good friends when I was 23. Then I was married. I later broke up with my violent and abusive partner. I  moved away and tried to rebuild my life. Years later, I heard through our mutual friend that this man still adores me. He married his wife because his family put pressure on him because she got pregnant in the course of dating.

    “He always told anyone that cared to listen that I am the woman he would have loved to marry. He is very handsome and women loved to flock around him. Now that we are back together, that deep attraction is still there. My life as a mistress is lonely and very unfulfilling. Love making is great and that is the only benefit of the relationship I enjoy.

    “I know he listens to me. He has promised that we might have a future together. I told him in the beginning that I would rather walk away than to hurt his family, and I mean it because his happiness is important to me. I am sure that soon, it will all be over.”

    For Helen, the story is not much different. “Yes, I am dating a married man and I know the society does not agree with it, but I know why I’m doing it. I truly believe we are meant for each other and I would stay in the relationship for as fate permits. He is my best friend, but fate has not designed us to be  husband and wife and sometimes life can be really unfair. I still have single male admirers and who knows may be one day I will find someone else. But it has really been a bitter sweet relationship and I hope we can remain friends for life”.

    Kate said: “There is no big deal about being the other woman. Sometimes, it is heaven on earth and sometimes it could really be hell. My man friend is every lady’s dream. The most memorable thing he did for me was when he brought me a detachable bungalow in the heart of Surulere and guess what. He bought it in my name! The nightmare, however, started when his wife got to know about our relationship. She has since been threatening fire and brimstone.

    “When her threats became unbearable, I had to put the house up for rent and I have since relocated to Ikeja. We still see from time to time. It is  not the best thing but I have decided to stay on because half bread is better than none”.

    Although  Chi acknowledges the fact of her relationship, to her, it does not necessarily have to end in marriage. “I would never compromise the children of a marriage nor would I convince a straying husband into deserting his family. We mistresses don’t get the best part of the deal. We get the lies and false promises and in most cases, insecurity”.

    Uche dated a man for more than six years before she eventually got married. “I was a mistress for well over six years, but thank God today, I am somebody’s wife. I have many reasons to thank God. I am grateful to God because though the six years were fulfilling, my guy’s marriage was threatened. But God saved it, else I would have lived to regret it.  So many times, I tried to call it off but to no avail.

    “He paid my fees throughout my university years. He was really nice to me and my family, but he was really possessive. He would not see me with any male friend or course mate. In my quiet moments, I used to pray that one day, an end must come to the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I really had a wonderful time; but as a woman, with conscience, I became worried about his wife. In my sober reflection, I used to wonder what she was going through since her husband spent practically all his spare time with me.

    “Well, finally, God answered my prayers. His young nephew from US visited the country on a wife hunting mission and he consulted my sugar daddy and my man recommended me to his nephew. Thankfully, today we are married with a baby on the way. I say thankfully because my guy almost ruined the whole show. During my wedding, he could barely take his eyes off me and when he gave us a car gift, he personally ensured he gave me the keys with a hug and a seductive wink at me which unfortunately my husband noticed. We argued about it for weeks before I was able to talk  my way out of it. I have since kept my distance from my former guy because I don’t trust that we will be innocent when left alone”.

    Kenny is now a born-again Christian and believes her past should stay that way. “I am a born-again Christian. Whatever I did in the past belongs to the past. It is over. My affair with my married lover was not originally planned. You see, he did not tell me he was married initially. I was in a higher institution, while he was a senior lecturer in the school. Let me spare you the details of how we met, but it was really love at first sight. Unknown to me, his family was based in far way Warri.

    “Our affair became so deep that we became live-in-lovers. It was on one of my usual home-keeping chores that I stumbled on his wedding album. Again I will spare you the details of how he explained it away with tears streaming down his eyes.

    “What finally brought me to my senses was when I attended a vigil with some friends. As if the pastor was talking to me directly, he started preaching on the consequences of adultery. He went further to say that if you are a woman and you are living with a man that is not your husband you should leave. Well, the rest as they say is history”.

    Christy said she had been in both situations. “The wife and the mistress as  adults  are responsible for your actions. As a wife, it was very easy for me to become over emotional and be filled with hatred for the mistress to justify staying with my ex-husband who hurt me deeply.

    “It is always easier to stay when someone else is to blame. Mistresses are the hidden ones. We are not treated the way men treat their wives. Since we have accepted to be mistresses, and always stay in the shadows, it can be really lonely and frustrating”.

    For Folake, being mistresses is such an easy role to play if you understand the rules. “You get all the sweet, flirty romantic part. You have great sex, then they go away and you don’t have to deal with their bad moods or wash dirty socks and so on. Being a mistress is really fun for me.

    My comment

    Ladies, as difficult as it is to keep that other woman away completely, there are things you can do. If you don’t want your man to cheat, never let him get bored. Always make yourself attractive. The minute he realizes that you are always putting effort into looking attractive, that alone will keep him on his toes and his mind always on you. It’s about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but it’s what needs to be done, if you want to keep him from straying from home.

  • How to reduce divorce rate in our society

    I want to re-emphasise that I get very sentimental when it comes to witnessing weddings. It becomes more emotional when the couple gets to the part of exchanging marital vows. In fact, I will advise esteemed readers not to invite me to their weddings, if they cannot stand waterworks. Me? I know how to shed those entire ‘funny’ tears .

    I love fairy tales. I love happy endings. All my life, I grew up reading Mills and Boons, popularly known as M&B, way back then. In all those novels, there were never divorces. Never. Forgive me; but I am an  incurable romantic; in fact I have spent the major parts  of my life matchmaking couples ,  hoping that they would all end up married. When Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston found happiness and eventually got married, oh boy! I was ecstatic. Do you know that the late Princess Diara and Prince Charles’ fairy tale wedding has refused to leave my head.

    Though I was practically a child then, but I can still recall it so vividly as if it happened yesterday. Do you recall her very long wedding gown? Hmm, looking back, I remember praying that I will also find a Prince charming that will sweep me off my feet; the way ‘ I thought’ Prince Charles swept Princess Diana off her feet.

    I recall vividly Rihanna’s and Chris Brown’s affair, ( before it crumbled) no wedding but they were close. I never knew these romances could ever end. Sometimes, I tell myself that this is not fair. I believe that people that find love should nurture it till death do them part. But then again, I also recall sadly, how Bill Gates was once quote that ‘life is not fair, get used to it.’  Hmmm, what an unfair but true statement of fact.

    When people first fall in love; they glow. It radiates so much from the inside of them that people can tell just by looking at them. When people find love they can’t get enough of each other. Oh, the phone suffers; because they will call up each other countless times. Video calls… They will send ceaseless text messages to each other. If the love between the duo is strong enough, they get married. Trusting that nothing will come in between them.

    However, during marriages , trials will definitely set in. One’s true character will definitely be put to test. These could be traced to some factors like finances, childlessness, the society itself; families, love that cannot stand the test of time etc.

    I chose to write on these strange bedfellows; divorces and marriages because recently I attended the wedding ceremony of a dear reader. The couple wanted a quiet wedding with very few friends and family members, so they chose to legalise their union at a registry. It was at the venue of the wedding that I witnessed something rather odd. I observed that there were two entrances to the registry.

    So, I naturally assumed that everybody there were  attending the wedding solemnization of their loved ones. I was wrong. Like I said there were two entrances; but the strange difference between the two entrances was the fact that we queued up waiting for the couple’s name to be called as there quite a few other couples waiting to get married. The other entrance however, had a longer queue. I became curious as to why more people should be on the other queue instead of joining ours to balance it up. So, I asked questions. It was then I found out to my utmost  dismay that those on the longer queue were couples waiting to be divorced! So, I asked myself, does this mean that divorce rates are higher than marriages.

    According to Sherry Holetzy, a relationship expert, no one has a one-size- fit-all answer to this question, but there are various issues that all work together to make divorce the easy way out when it comes to struggling marriages. One of the biggest reasons so many couples divorce is because they begin marriage with unrealistic expectations. What this means is that there are no fairy tales. Happily ever after is not the stuff that real world marriages are made of.

    This is not to say that happy marriages don’t exist. It is simply to point out that no marriage is perfectly blissful every day, week, month and year. Happy marriages take extra work and commitment. Unfortunately, many people don’t want to do the work.

    For a relationship to succeed, teamwork is required and both persons need to deny many of their personal wishes. Self-sacrifice must replace selfishness. Sometimes one person in the marriage can do this reasonable well, but eventually patience runs out. Self-sacrifice is not natural, selfishness is. Selfishness is when an individual insists on an I-want-my-needs-met attitude, this breaks down a necessary spirit of co-operation.

    The negative cycle begins and continues until intimacy is lost and a marriage begins to crumble. There are, however, legitimate reasons why some marriages fail. Abuse is one, whether that means abuse of a spouse or of children. Nobody I know is going to stay married to someone who abuses his or her children and more people are beginning to see that they don’t deserve or have to put up with personal abuse either.

    Infidelity is another legitimate reason I know that can cause a couple to grossly disagree. The vows of marriage have been broken, although in this part of the world, studies have shown that couples have overcome this particular error through counselling and extended family interventions.

    Too many times people claim that they simply cannot live together. They have the erroneous impression that finding a new mate will make everything take their problems, their bogus expectations and all their other baggage with them into the next relationship. The sad fact is that more remarriages fail than first marriages and it’s because many people don’t resolve issues and work through problems, they simply restart the cycle.

    In all these, I am happy to state that our family values here in this part  are better than it is in the western world. I know that divorce for us here must be a last resort. One must have exhausted all possible avenues of reconciliation before they head for the court.

    Looking at the lives of our fathers and mothers that have celebrated decades of wedding anniversaries, it must not have come so cheap. They must have certainly gone through a lot of trials and overcome them. One certainly requires some level of tolerance to live in the same house with someone from a completely different background.

    It takes patience; above all it takes true love. I beg you, let us reduce that long divorce queue and work hard to keep our homes; I tell you, in the long run, it would yield good fruits. There is no guarantee that the man or woman outside will make a better mate or spouse. Apart from sexual attraction that may endear us to another, there is more to a marriage institution; there is a fervent desire to be known and appreciated by our partners. But then, we must exercise mutual respect for each other.

    Happy marriages require consistent efforts on the part of both spouses. Bad attitudes coupled with unrealistic expectations are two huge elements in the downfall of marriages. On a lighter note, they do provide a lucrative source of income for divorce lawyers.

  • Civil way to say it’s over

    RELATIONSHIP building takes a lot of factors to set it in motion; sustain the motion and thereafter ensure that the motion never becomes motionless. Everyday, the parties involved must make compromising sacrifices; have mutual respect for each other’s feelings. Ideally, relationships should be for keeps, it should be nurtured. Couples should learn the act of tolerance not endurance; couples should make deliberate efforts to remain friends. In other words, couples should ensure that the laughter, the fun of being in each other’s company must remain evergreen.

    Building a relationship can take so much passion, effort, energy, but what happens after you must have done everything written in the books? What happens when the proverbial ‘song’ stops playing? What happens after you have done all in your power to make it work, yet it fails? What if the love and the passion you once felt for the other person suddenly dies? Or what if the other party simply stops loving you and suddenly decides to move on in life without you? Should you continue flogging the proverbial ‘dead horse’?

    Are there nice ways to end it all? Do you simply tell the other party, it’s over or apply a more severe approach? A very close friend of mine, Yinka recently told me a story that simply put broke my heart. As I quietly drove home; after paying him a visit over the weekend; I simply could not bring myself to even begin to understand why some people would take the love of a spouse for granted. I could not understand why a spouse would talk a love so dear, so rare and throw it right in the other partner’s face and still live with themselves. It is unfortunate. This could cost the couple a lot and God forbid; it could end a relationship or worse still, a marriage. The reason why my dear heart is bleeding over this issue, is because it take a lot for a man to call up a female friend and simply open up his heart. Men seldom discuss their emotions but then they do; I listen, I listen because it takes a lot of courage on their part to get in touch with their feminine side and open up. So many women are guilty of breakups in relationships. I have not said that men are completely blameless in that regard, I am just saying that a lot depends on women to make it work. That a man is crazily or madly in love with us does not make him a fool, neither should he or his feelings be taken for granted. If you have opted from your adult mind to marry or date a guy, please make efforts to make it work. No matter the number of times you hit the sack ensure that it does not in anyway stop you from having a mutual respect for each other.

    Back to Yinka’s story. He told me how he got involved with a lady I will call Miss X. The feelings they had for each other was very passionate. They found love and they mutually chose to nurture it. Things were wonderful between them until Yinka’s mother had a little accommodation problem and had to temporarily move into her son’s apartment. Miss X became uncomfortable with this arrangement and would not have it. For her, their home was made for herself, her man, her own relations. To her, Yinka’s mum was an unwelcome guest. Contrary to the animosity she felt towards her mother in-law; Yinka’s mum on her part did everything womanly, no, humanly possible to make her daughter in-law happy. She cooked, cleaned, shopped, in a nutshell; she ensured she did virtually all the house chores before Miss X would get home from work. Just to ease the pressure for Miss X when she got home.

    But, according to Yinka, every hand of friendship his mum extended to Miss X was either misunderstood or simply thrown back to her face. In order for peace to reign, Yinka took it all; he tolerated it all; he even endured it all; even though the longer he stayed in the relationship, the more hostility his woman continued to throw in his mother’s direction. His mother was treated like a maid or even worse than a maid, yet Yinka stayed committed to the relationship.

    The ‘scale’ began to gradually fall off his eyes according to him, when suddenly Miss X as if feeling her hostility towards her mother in-law was not severe enough came up with sudden dos and don’ts. Yinka watched the girl he once loved and cherished turn from an angel to a monster. First she stopped her mother in-law from ever entering the kitchen and then she began to starve her. She would give her man food at 10 p.m. (that is when she gets back from work) and then pretend to forget to serve his mother. She made his five-year-old daughter from his first marriage wash her clothes and bed sheets if she wet the bed. The list of her atrocities was endless. Initially her man was not initially aware of this new development. But the day he got to know was the day he told himself some bitter home-truth. He knew this union was definitely over. How to end it thereafter became the issue. To cut a very long story short, he waited one fateful morning for her to leave for work; he called up a few friends, hired a truck and then moved his belongings and of course his mother’s out of the apartment. It has been three years and he has not looked back. He also got his mother a separate and more comfortable apartment with two maids to a match. He said to me that Miss X till now has since sought and is still seeking a reconciliation, but Vera, ‘over my dead body will I go back to that monster that calls herself a woman’

    A top female pastor I admire so much, based in the United States of America, was suddenly called up on the phone by her husband’s lawyers, suing her for a divorce. It was devastating for her.

    She was devastated because the one that cheated all through their married life even though they were both pastors was her husband. According to her, he had virtually slept with all the female members of the church and yet she continued to overlook and tolerate just to ensure that the marriage did not hit the rocks. That the marriage was ending was not what grieved her, it was the selfless efforts she had put in just to make it work that shattered her. She felt used and dumped.

    She has been trying to find her feet since he left her and the kids, but I am happy to say that she is back to the big screen, looking better than have ever. I am sure she has simply decided to move on.

    Relationships are meant to last for ever. But this is life. Things happen. People change. I am sure you can tell that I am incurably romantic and I love happy endings. But I am no fool. I know that relationships differ from person to person. I am fully aware that some unions are meant to last forever. In fact, I advocate that people must make their relationships work at all cost

    To the two categories of people, I wish you well in whatever position you find yourself today, whether you were dumped or you dumped someone. My worry is not whether you end it or when you end it or if you should even end it in the first place. My worry is how you end it. Are you civil with the way you end it? Like Jerry Springer would say: ‘Take care of yourselves and each other’.

  • What has age got to do with it?

    I have said it before and I will say it again, love is where you find it. You see, when it comes to matters of the heart, you cannot choose who you fall in love with. I have seen and read it all. I have seen and read about men falling in love with girls two times younger than they are. I have seen and read about women falling for men much older or even very much younger than they are. You think it is news? I don’t think so.

    Love is a natural phenomenon that will happen to an individual, when it will happen. As humans, we have very little contributions as to whom we fall in love with. Age-gap relationships need to be flexible, and who ever said or why do so many people believe that true love can only exist between people of the same age. On the average, women are attracted to the personality and the level of intelligence of a man while on the other hand the men are attracted to the looks.

    If one is in love with an individual, it is on a very rare occasion that the age of the partner will became an object of discourse. Age should not be a factor when in a relationship, what should matter is the joy you derive from being in each other’s company; how much fun you have together, everything you have in common, and how you feel when you are in each other’s arms. Having read and written on relationships, I have had one reason or the others to speak with different individuals on what they would look out for in a relationship.

    I have heard ladies say they would fall for a tall, dark and handsome guy only to end up with the opposite. I have also listened to men who would say ‘I’d die for a slim, tall babe and end up with the opposite. What do you think happened? I can boldly tell you that ‘love’ happened! When it does, it simply sweeps one off their feet and you can even begin to explain it. Little wonder why it is said that ‘love is blind’.

    The truth is, when it comes to love; anything can happen. You might think it’s not possible to fall in love with a man or woman younger or older than you but as it is with most things you might think it is impossible to fly an airplane or even walk on the moon; but these things are very possible. Recently, I was watching a ‘red carpet’ moment on one of my favourite TV stations, Channel ‘E’ while the stars took their turns in being captured by the camera; even as they flaunted their dresses and suits alike. Something else caught my attention.

    What caught my attention on that particular award event was a once-upon a favourite actress of mine Demi Moore. Demi Moore, was the lead actress in films like ‘Ghost’ we are no Angels and so many best-selling movies. She is a celebrity and star in every sense of the word. But, it is not her acting panache and finesse that caught my fancy on that day. It was her date. Her date was a fine young man almost half her age.

    So, I got thinking, has our great Demi Moore, found love in the arms of a younger man? I bet you she is not alone in this, the Madonas, Mariah Careys, have also found love in the arms of men young enough to be their younger ones. And they seem very happy.

    Of course, the men are not left out in this. In fact in the case of the men a greater percentage of them meet and fall in love with much, much younger ladies. Take for instance. Dr. Duro Soleye who met and fell in love with an ex-beauty queen Nike Oshinowo and today they are happily married. I have also observed that our society has still not come to the point where love affairs between couples with huge age differences are appreciated.

    It is wrong. It is unfair. People do not choose love, people find love. Why is it that when an older man for instance starts falling in love to a much younger woman, tongues start wagging? As far as society is concerned no young woman falls in love with a man old enough to be her daddy without the bait of money.

    Things are fast changing; the world is becoming more globalised as the years progress. Today, a lot of women take care of themselves so that even at 40, they always look younger. And the young men who now hold mostly executive jobs are so mature they could add five or ten years to their ages without a raised-eye brow. When these two sets of people come together, the age difference is hardly noticeable.

    When the experiences of an older lover clash with the younger lover’s energy and vitality, the result can be quite astonishing.

    When two people with huge age-gap fall in love, the older lover is more caring and more loving. You wouldn’t ask for more. Love is a unique and beautiful thing. According to Dolly Parton, the songstress, ‘love is like a butterfly, a rare and gentle thing’. Please, I beg you; if you find it, with that special person, do not allow age difference, language barrier, financial matters, or  physical looks deter you.

  • Does being submissive make you a doormat?

    CALL me “welcome”. I’m a doormat! But being submissive is not being a whining “martyr”. The woman, who “works her fingers to the bone” and constantly reminds her family of the sacrifice, is really self-centred and expects to be honoured for everything she does. Submission is not being opinionless.

    Most husbands welcome the thoughts and opinions of their wives whether they relate to problems at the office or which bicycle to get junior for his birthday. Wives who are oriented to seeking God’s will can bring another dimension to the logic of their husband- the helpfulness of simply looking at things from a woman’s point of view. God has given women a different nature to round out and complement that of their husbands.

    The husband who loves his wife will welcome her suggestions and not feel threatened by them. Submission is not refusing to accept responsibility or make decisions when necessary. The woman has a responsibility –a part to play –that is entirely her own. In matters when a decision must be made, even though she disagrees and she says so, she must let her husband make the final decision. However, in a case where the husband is absent, the wife then has the authority to make the decision.

    She can seek the counsel of others; but she should not be afraid to do what she feels is best in her judgement. Submission is not fear of taking a job that might be your husband’s if he were present. Being useful as well as ‘ornamental’ is more than just a cute saying.

    A wife who greets her husband at the door with the sink’s leaking and Junior skinned his knee and is screaming his head off’ may have time to ponder why her husband was irritated at dinner and gave her those questioning looks. She could have called a plumber, comforted Junior and bandaged his knee and cleaned up the backyard.

    The wife who can’t cope with her end of running the home should ask for divine help to avoid being a ‘clinging vine’ to her husband and family. When you clear a drawer, you don’t just rearrange the mess inside. You dump out the contents, throw away the things that are no longer usable. In this area of submission, we need to remove what is not good in our lives and keep only those that will build and strengthen our marriage. You may think you’ve always been submissive. You are a naturally obedient wife, and you have a strong husband who has taken the lead, so, you say “what’s this gotta do with me?” Submission is more than mechanical obedience. It is a positive inner attitude. You can do anything your husband asks of you, but if it is not done with a willing and loving heart, it is not a true submission.

    Becky was one of those wives who did what her husband asked her to do but with wrong attitude. Her facial expression reflected that she wasn’t really submissive, and she doesn’t ever realize it. She later confessed to her husband that she wasn’t submissive, even though she’d been outwardly obedient, and asked for his forgiveness. He said he knew it all these while.(this was a real shock to her). The husband said that he could tell by the expression on her face that she didn’t like doing whatever he ordered. So, if you think you are fooling your husband by ‘outward’ submission, there is a very good chance you are not!

    Do you really know that man you married – the father of your children? Remember this important fact: You have about the same number of years along with your husband after your children are grown as you have together while they are being raised. A normal life span will give you about 25 years of raising children to college age and about 25 years together without family. Unfortunately, many couples don’t build a marriage but simply make a home in which to raise their family. That is why so many marriages break up after 20-25years. The husband and wife can’t face the prospect of living out their years with a stranger whom they have never taken the trouble to get to know. A wife always set the mood or atmosphere of the home, and if you will follow the principles and concepts we are giving from above, your home will be a heaven on earth. Remember: marriage doesn’t fail, people do.

    • With materials from The fulfilled woman.

  • Is it possible to have platonic relationship with an ex?

    Yinka and Tunde have been married for more than three years. They have a two-year-old lovely baby to show for the marriage. Married life has been a dream comes true for the young couple. They loved each other to a fault. With the way they felt about each other, nothing could possible go wrong, so they thought. Three years into the marriage, Yinka ran into her old flame, Kingsley. A guy she had dated for over seven years of her life. In fact, Kingsley was her first love. Nothing prepared them for what the future was about to unfold. Kingsley started by inviting Yinka out on an innocent lunch date. Yinka, on her part, felt the lunch would be perfectly harmless.

    Perhaps, she thought, it was an opportunity to catch up on old times. After all, her ring was conspicuously placed on her fourth finger for all to see. Just as she had earlier thought, the lunch went well as planned. They talked on so many issues, old friends and schools they had attended after they parted ways. In the course their discussion, she discovered that Kingsley was still single. After a brief hug, they both exchanged their GSM numbers and bade each other well.

    Fortunately or unfortunately for both of them, the chemistry that existed between them in the past was still there. They continued to see each other, then one thing led to the other and before she could say, ‘ I am married’ they had resumed their once cherished romantic affair.

    Read Also: Nurturing your relationship (1)

    Yinka was ridden with guilt. When she got home that night, she scrubbed and scrubbed her body in the bath as if she could erase the memory of the hot passionate….. that had transpired between Kingsley and her. She prayed, fasted and even stopped answering Kingsley’s phone calls. She hated herself for her lack of self-control. She thought to herself that she should not have accepted Kingsley’s invitation to lunch in the first place.

    Now she would live with the guilt fort hr rest of her days. Yinka shared this secret with me as a ‘relationship expert’ (as she addressed me) expecting a wise counsel from me. But I decided to make it public that others out there who find themselves in a similar condition may benefit from the wisdom of our readers who will offer guilt-lifting solution.

    The question is: is it possible to have a platonic relationship with a ex-lover.

    Mr. Taiwo O: My sister anything is possible with ex-lover. If she is someone I had loved in the past and maybe we did not break up on a sour note. It is very possible to rekindle the romance. It can only take the grace of God for me to resist her. It is better we do not have the opportunity to tempt ourselves.

    Mr. Victor Udh: Yes, it is very possible considering the following reasons:

    • If one can’t let go of the old feelings they previously had for each other.
    • If one has failed to experience or have fulfilment in other relationship
    • Disappointment from present lover could drive one into going to have love refuge from an ex-lover
    • Love is a strong feeling and if the ex-lover was really loved, the spirit cannot be easily killed.
    • If the people involved are very good at keeping secrets, they could continue as secret lovers depending on their marital status.
    • On the issue of sex, if the couple involved find themselves sexually compatible, they will want to come back for their satisfaction: especially if they are not fulfilled elsewhere.
    • Character wise, if the ex-lover has peculiar character that cannot be found in anyone else, they are likely to want to be closer to themselves.
    • Monetarily, if the ex-lover has been picking the bills no one else can pick it could be a factor to reuniting them.

    Mr. Matthew Kwentue: It is very possible to have a platonic relationship with an ex-lover although not in all cases. It really depends on the particular girl. For instance, I once dated a girl, we broke up due to the long distance that came in between us and coupled with the fact that we were quite young then.

    We met again several years later and we tried to work things out but the attempt met a brick wall. Since then, we have been nothing but platonic friends.  I believe it is possible for me to make friends with my ex-lover because I might have moved on to building another one. In conclusion, I think it is ideal to keep a safe distance in order to avoid temptation.

    Mrs. Buhari Juliet: Platonic relationship is very possible with an ex-love. In a case where one of the ex-couple is married, it becomes difficult to rekindle the old flame. On the other hand, if neither of the couple is engaged, they could pick up where they left off. In fact, they could become much closer that it could lead to a lifetime union, i.e. marriage. But when one or both of the ex-couple is married or engaged, they could maintain a platonic relationship. For instance, they could be each other’s confidant. However, it is imperative that one limits the environment or atmosphere that could remind them of old times. This is in order to avoid temptations. To maintain one’s integrity, one could even get introduced to the other’s spouse.

  • How to protect kids from kidnappers (1)

    ALL parents want to keep their children safe. In the wake of the death of a seven-year-old girl who vanished on her mile-long walk home from school, many mums and dads are feeling more anxious than ever about how to protect their kids.

    Clint Van Zandt, a former FBI profiler and hostage negotiator, has prepared these tips to help parents train their children to avoid dangerous situations and escape a kidnapper. Van Zandt also makes a free DVD, “Protecting Children from Predators,”

    10 safety tips every child should know

    1. Do not get into any car unless your parents personally tell you to do so. Also, stay away from anyone who follows you on foot or in a car. You do not need and should not go near a car to talk to the people inside.
    2. Adults and other people who need help should not be asking a child for help; they should be asking other adults. Adults should not be asking you for directions or to look for a “lost puppy,” or telling you that your mother or father is in trouble and that they will take you to them.
    3. Quickly get away from anyone who tries to take you somewhere. Yell or scream, “This person is not my father (or mother).”
    4. You should use the “buddy system” and never go places alone. Always ask your parents’ permission to leave the yard/play area or to go over to someone’s home, and especially always ask permission before you go into someone’s home.
    5. Never, never hitchhike! Do not try to get a ride with people unless your parents have told you it’s OK to do so.
    6. People should not ask you to keep a special secret. If they do, tell your parents or teacher. Also, tell anyone who wants to take your picture, “No,” and quickly tell your parents or teacher.
    7. No one should touch you on the parts of the body covered by your bathing suit, nor should you touch anyone else in those areas. Your body is special and private.
    8. You can be assertive and you have the right to say “No” to someone, including adults and even relatives or friends who try to take you somewhere against your will, touch you or make you feel uncomfortable in ANY WAY.
    9. NOTE: Many parents use a special code word that only the child knows to convey a message should someone other than a parent ask a child to accompany them anywhere.
    10. THE YELL: Practise a “special” yell. It is low, loud and long. It tells the person trying to hurt the child, “I know what to do! I’m not an easy victim!” It tells everyone within the sound of the child’s voice, “I need help!” It gets the child going, it breaks the “spell.” A child should not panic and freeze, thereby becoming immobile in an emergency. When you yell you take a deep breath, thereby getting oxygen and energy to your brain and muscles. Your own yell can give you courage and get your feet moving when you need to run away.

    School bus stop safety issues

    1. Parents should ensure that if possible, an adult waits with children at school bus stops (not always possible with one-parent families or where both parents work), but something could be worked out with all parents of children at the bus stop to be there on a rotating basis.
    2. Know the path your child takes to and from home to the school bus stop.
    3. Tell your children to avoid short cuts through woods, alleys, parks, or other areas where they could be alone.
    4. Identify safe houses along the way that your child could run to or into for help if needed.
    5. Insure your child does not have his or her name on a backpack, etc., as this would enable a potential abductor to call out to the child by name.
    • Continued next week
    • Source: https://www.today.com

  • Is jealousy an act of love?

    WE are told that love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; love is not puffed up; love does not behave rudely; love bears all things; love believes all things.

    Jealousy, according to Steven Vaughn, is simply insecurity. In the on-line dictionary, jealousy is defined as resentment against a rival, a person or enjoying success and advantage, or against another’s success or advantages itself. That is, jealousy in the working place area.

    The second type of jealousy relating to relationship is mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness and so on as in love. Jealousy is a true sign of insecurity, not an act of love, only doubt on yourself and the significant other. No one can really define jealousy by its true meaning because it is different from one individual to the other giving their insight opinions on jealousy.

    When two people really care for or love each other, there should be no doubt. They truly love each other and if they leave you, then it wasn’t love in the first place and not worth the time spent. Jealousy is no sign of love but everything related to insecurity. Many people get jealous but no one can have the perfect relationship. You must love and know yourself before you can consider loving someone else. Jealousy is one of a human’s weaknesses, no one is perfect.

    Merriam Webster defines jealousy as ‘disposition, attitude or feeling’. Where the word ‘jealousy’ means intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness disposed to suspend rivalry of unfaithfulness, hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage, and vigilance in guarding a possession’.

    Jealousy people are unhappy, bitter and angry people who believe that someone is trying to take or has taken something or someone they love away from them. We all at one time or the other experience jealousy to one extent or another. It is human to feel possessive about the one you love or guard what you’ve worked so hard to attain, but it becomes a problem when it becomes a problem the motivating factor for how we respond to situations.

    There is need to pause and take a close look at ourselves. Jealousy, like a lot of other human emotions, is noted in fear, mostly in the fear of losing something or someone you love. So if you’re letting that fear rule you to the point that you are obsessed and paralyzed , there is a huge problem.

    I have witnessed throw of tantrums when a lover discovers that his or her partner is in anyway cheating on him or her. I have read about men pouring acid on a female just because she has decided to end the relationship. I have heard and seen women vow that over their dead bodies would they allow their lover go or leave them without a fight. I have listened to phrases like ‘if I can’t have him or her, nobody else will. A good acquaintance of mine had once sent me a text message, claiming that her husband locked her out of her matrimonial home just because she got home later that 9:30pm which was supposed to be her ‘deadline’ for getting home. This friend of mine even after five kids into the marriage can still be mistaken for a young spinster. Her colleagues, friends and bosses in her office look at her each morning she gets to work looking all cute and they say to her. Your husband must be a lucky man. People thought to themselves this paragon of beauty must surely be an asset to her man and her kids. My acquaintance was not only beautiful on the exterior but she also had a good heart. She was willing to help at every slight opportunity she had.

    People simply loved and adored her a hardworking lady, with five kids, a good job and does other businesses on the side, just to keep body and soul together. When she sent me the text message, my first reaction was why on earth would any sane man lock his wife out of their matrimonial home at such an hour? I was puzzled. In a bid to get to the root of what was up, I quickly rushed out of the house to recharge my phone. Thereafter, I put a call through to her. The reason she gave for her husband’s act was that he suspected her of cheating on him!

    The reason he gave for his obvious show of jealousy was that the wife closes for work by 6:30pm. He opined that two or three hours was enough to get her home. He had earlier vowed that anytime she got home later than 9:30pm, it would mean trouble for her. Can you beat that?

    I also have a married male friend of mine, who will call you as often as he finds the time to do so but as soon as he is closed for the day’s work and is headed home, right before he gets home, he would put a call through to all his female friends and plead and plead, did I say plead? He would warn that nobody should call him for whatever reason because the wife hates to hear him receiving calls from any female friend. Some women at whatever levels of their lives have been seen to fight furiously over the man or a man they claim to love. Ironical, isn’t it? I feel it ironical to beat up, threaten or fight or even attempt to blackmail someone you profess to love.

    Is love not supposed to be a beautiful thing? Do love and jealousy actually go hand-in-hand? Shouldn’t love be nurtured, cherished and valued? And if a partner decides to stop loving us or decides to move on, must we die for that individual?

    From my experience, it is okay to fall in love, love is not forced, it happens naturally. it is also okay to fall out of love. Yes, it is true people do fall out of love, but not for the married ones. For married ones, the love must last till the end of time. Remember, you have signed. Anyway, back to earlier question, when you exhibit jealousy, is it your way of showing your love for your spouse?

  • How to prevent common childhood accidents (1)

    KEEP your little one safe by knowing what hazards and accidents to look out for and the baby proofing measures you can take to make your baby’s environment safer

    When you have a small person running – or crawling – round the house, it opens up the possibility of a range of accidents. Of course, it’s something that’s hard to avoid when you have a curious toddler desperate to explore the world, but you can take steps to prevent accidents and be prepared if something happens. But what should you look out for?

    Where do accidents happen?

    The largest number of accidents happen in the living or dining room, but the most serious accidents happen in the kitchen and on the stairs. ‘Every year more than 67,000 children experience an accident in the kitchen and 43,000 of these are aged under four,’ says Sheila Merrill, public health adviser at the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA).

    Who’s most at risk?

    Children under the age of four years old have the most accidents at home and boys are more likely to have accidents than girls. Older children are more likely to sustain fractures than younger counterparts. Younger children have a higher percentage of burns and scalds as well as poisoning and ingestion accidents.

    Why do children have accidents?

    Often, children are absorbed in their own immediate interests and can be oblivious to their surroundings. ‘They only have a limited perception of the environment because of their lack of experience or development,’ says Sheila. ‘They are not aware of the consequences of the many new situations that they encounter. Plus, being small, inquisitive and having a tendency to show off or over-reach their abilities can mean they’re more likely to put themselves at risk.’

    Falls

    Falls are by far the most common causes of accidents in the home and account for 44 per cent of all children’s accidents. ‘Most falls involve tripping over on the same level but the most serious consequences result from falls between two levels, such as falling out of a pram or highchair or falling from a bed or down the stairs,’ says Sheila.

    Make sure you fit a safety gate at the top and bottom of stairs and ensure any damaged or worn carpet is repaired or removed to avoid tripping hazards. Likewise, don’t leave items on the stairs as they could be stepped on, resulting in a fall for anyone. ‘To avoid dangers near open windows, avoid putting anything under the windowsill that can provide a step up for children,’ says Sheila.

    Scalds and burns

    Hot drinks cause most scalds to children under the age of five. ‘A child’s skin is much more sensitive than an adult’s and a hot drink can still scald a child 15 minutes after being made,’ says Sheila. ‘Never hold a hot drink and a child at the same time and put hot drinks out of reach and away from the edges of tables and worktops.’

    “A hot drink can still scald a child 15 minutes after being made”

    Hot bath water is responsible for the highest number of fatal and severe scalding injuries among young children, so when running a bath, turn the cold water on first and always test the water temperature with your elbow before letting a child get into the bath or shower.

    • Continued next week
    • Source: https://www.motherandbaby.co.uk