The Nation Newspaper

Category: Feminique

  • ‘Excuse me sir, I don’t know what to do’

    1. Lecturer: Hey ! you girl tell me, what is your name?

    Student: My name is Bimbo.. Bimbo Owoyemi.

    Lecturer: You failed my test, you failed my exam.But if you want to

    pass you know what to do.

    Student: Excuse me sir, I don’t know what to do…

    Lecturer: I will tell your mummy and I will tell your daddy, you

    no wan give me pomo, I be Mr. Lecturer, I will fail your papers.

     

    REMEMBER the above song by sensational Nigerian Hip-hop singer, Eedris Abdulkareem? It was a song that hit the music waves, and if you ask me, it really sold well. The song was, in a nutshell, trying to conceptualise the goings-on on our campuses. In that particular track Eedris tried to portray that when it comes to sexual harassment on campuses, the lecturers are culpable. I don’t know the actual reactions to this song, but in a bid to balance the equation, I believe Eedris quickly did a follow-up to this song.This time  he portrayed the student as the sexual harasser.

    In my time in school it was the lecturers that were doing the chasing. They harassed the living daylight out of some of us. I recall vividly the experience of one of my very close friends, way back then. This particular lecturer that took us in photography  vowed that he must sleep with my friend, otherwise  he would fail not only his target  but even her close friends, yours truly included. Our endless pleas to him fell on his  deaf ear. He insisted on having his way even  if it meant  the last thing he would do.

    To make good his threat he started scoring my friend below her normal merits. And as if that was not bad enough his fellow lecturers joined him in this personal vendetta,dealing terribly with my friend. For every test of 20 marks, my friend would score two. Even the ones we spent endless nights preparing  for, it was the same outcome.

    Read Also: Sex for marks: Students hail sack of OAU Professor

     

    We had resigned to fate only to notice a dramatic change in Mr. Lecturer.He became friendly  with us. He smiled more and joked more with us even when we could not fathom what the change was all about. My friend was quick to put us out of our misery. She invited us all to lunch and opened up on what we all had dreaded over the years

    “You remember the weekend I told you, ladies,that I was going to Benin to see my parents?” she began,asking no one in particular.

    “Well, I lied. I spent the weekend with Mr. A.”

    For the first time in my adult life,  I felt speechless.

    Before any of us could pick up our dropped jaws, she continued  as if she wanted to get it all out of her.

    Summary of it all is that my friend decided to be the fall guy, or is it fall-lady now, for us all. She felt that since all he wanted was to sleep with her then he could have her. We felt terrible, we felt violated.

    Till date, the scar of that incident has refused to leave us.We feel like crying whenever we recall the harassment. My friend  has since moved on with her life.She has a good husband and a child, and I believe they are living happily.

    Anyway, that was then, and this is now. Things have changed drastically. It is the students that are now sexually harassing their lecturers. Indecent dressing, for now can be considered stale news. Female students are getting more daring .

    I heard of a recent occurrence  in a popular campus in Lagos  where a female student locked up her lecturer in his own office; pulled down her undies after neatly tucking the key into her brassiere! I will spare you the details of how that particular incident ended ,but sadly that is what we have today.

    Some students simply  refuse to study. They are pre-occupied with   looking  for shortcuts to success and that is why graduates today cannot even begin to defend their certificates. How can they? When they either bought their way out or slept their way through. There are cases of  ambitious students  who aspire to have the best grades, but also want to have a good time while on campus. Such students then begin to run after lecturers.The desperate ones decide to sleep their way through it that is what will get them  second class upper or even first class.

    There have also been cases of  pretty ladies  harassing  lecturers with their flirtatious and lecherous  glances. I heard that some even offer to give it to them right there on their office tables! How sad, condemnable and cheap. Why one earth would anybody want to get a certificate they don’t deserve?

    Do not, for any reason, be intimidated by this set of people. Just challenge them to a debate or discussion especially on  happenings around us, and watch how they expose their lack of education.

    My thesis is that there should be an anti-sexual harassment policy in place in all schools of higher learning. Offenders should be brought to book to  deter  others or would-be offenders; I feel also that this could restore  sanity in our tertiry  institutions.

    For the relentless predators, please be careful not to victimize the aging male lecturers who may be enticed by your escapades since you obviously want to have it both ways – good grades, little effort.

  • When men say, I love you (2)

     

    Love for so many people means different things and it is used in different ways just to get what we want and need. Love to me, means affection without tears and it does no harm to its receiver

     

    1. Sylvester Kwentua, a student with NIJ. Many reasons are bound; any woman in her right senses would look scornfully at a man who walks up to her asking for sex! It does not reflect the man as being responsible, decent or event sensible.

    In Africa, issues of sex are believed not to be discussed. It is an agreement between two lovers when they are within the confines of a room. An average woman needs a relationship based on love, trust and honesty, but the man, although not all of them, need a relationship based on sex.

    But how does a man go about telling a woman that he is all about sex and not love?  He won’t ever enjoy the company of any lady, if he goes talking to any about sex unless she is a prostitute.

    In advanced countries, for instance, Europe and America, sex could happen between a man and woman after the first meeting which could occur some minutes earlier. Sex is not a big issue over there, but in Africa, the reverse is the case.

    Any true son of the soil, who knows the cultural beliefs, will not just dabble into the issue of sex without building a relationship, and if he is lucky and the lady falls for it, monkey go go market and not return. (Sex could come up).

    Mr. Stephen Chukwuyemike, an undergraduate

    Love for so many people means different things and it is used in different ways just to get what we want and need. Love to me, means affection without tears and it does no harm to its receiver. But today, love has been abused and used unjustly, just to get our selfish desires met, no matter the consequences.

    Some men, in this present generation haven’t used this four lettered word to deceive a lot of women, simply because the word literally means genuity but it has been turned around. Some men say to ladies, I love when they actually mean I am lusting after you. Most men want sex not relationship and so to get their desires and they know that the only to get the woman’s affection is to propose love to her and by so doing, the woman will feel appreciated. Sometimes the men may be for real, but most times it does not turnout to be true.

    When the man has succeeded in getting her to bed, the so called ‘love’ begins to fade and the man will begin to withdraw and this will in the long run leave the woman bitter and heartbroken.

    My advice is that women who are smart should always try to study men and not fall for some cheap lies they tell.

     

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    Wale Balogun

    No doubt that experiences of ladies over time have made common, the opinion that most guys say ‘I love you’ when the real intent and desire is just to have a feel of the victim (the lady being wooed) in bed. But the reality is, most guys who spend weeks pursuing a lady, burning call credit to achieve entry into her heart, spending some hard earned money on dates and sometimes gifts, really would want much more than just love-making. However, the natural phenomenon that makes a guy see a lady as an angel prior ‘bed time’ and then as a devil incarnate post ‘bed time’ is a mystery that is yet to be unravelled, as this experience is as old as man itself.

    The truth is no right thinking lady would give in to a guy who bluntly asks for sex on first contact, except she is prostitute; rather it is modest to first establish some kind of relationship before biding for sex.

    Besides, we have come to learn that what an average lady appreciates is such beautiful and well-thought-out praises and psyches that would always end with the controversial statement ‘I love you’, though she knows it is just a regular statement that has been so abused, yet she appreciates it, at least, it makes her feel the intended fluke and fling is real.

    In fewer words, it words, it would be so ridiculing and immodest for a guy to tell a lady I want to sleep with you when he has not picked her on the street. Though the world the world has turned into such gorilla world where a guy and a lady would, as patrons of infidelity agree to be sexmate, and they keep sharing bed outside their legal or say matrimonial commitments and bonds.

    So Vera, it has become an experience we cant but live with, for a guy to walk his way into the heart of a lady under the guise of seeking true love when what he really craves for is emotional and sexual satisfaction.

    To the ladies, I advise that you make spiritual consultations to x-ray the sincerity on which the ‘I love you’ a guy says to you is built. But, a few of us are still around town with a hundred and ten percent sincerity when impressing what we feel for a lady. When it is likeness, we say it is likeness and when it grows into love we say it is love, though we could sometimes express our love for certain features and attitudes in those we admire. All na game!

  • 12 natural remedies for sore throat (2)

    1. MARSHMALLOW root

      Marshmallow root contains a mucus-like substance that coats and soothes a sore throat. Simply add some of the dried root to a cup of boiling water to make tea. Sipping the tea two to three times a day may help ease throat pain.

    People with diabetes should talk to a doctor before taking marshmallow root. Some animal research shows it may cause a drop in blood sugar level.

    1. Licorice root

    Licorice root has long been used to treat sore throats. Recent research shows it’s effective when mixed with water to create a solution for gargling. However, pregnant and breastfeeding women should avoid this remedy, according to the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health Trusted Source.

    1. Slippery elm

    Like marshmallow root, slippery elm has a mucus-like substance in it. When mixed with water, it forms a slick gel that coats and soothes the throat. To use, pour boiling water over powdered bark, stir, and drink. You may also find that slippery elm lozenges help.

    Slippery elm is a traditional remedy for sore throat, but more research is needed. According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine, it may decrease the absorption of other medication you take.

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    1. Apple cider vinegar

    Apple cider vinegar (ACV) has many natural antibacterial uses Trusted Source. Numerous studies show its antimicrobial effects Trusted Source in fighting infections. Because of its acidic nature, it can be used to help break down mucus in the throat and stop bacteria from spreading.

    If you sense a sore throat coming on, try diluting 1 to 2 tablespoons of ACV in one cup of water and gargle with it. Then take a small sip of the mixture, and repeat the whole process one to two times per hour. Make sure to drink lots of water in between the gargling sessions.

    There are many different ways of using ACV to treat sore throats, depending on the severity of the illness and also your body’s sensitivity to vinegar. It is best to first consult your doctor or healthcare practitioner.

    1. Garlic

    Garlic also has natural antibacterial properties. It contains allicin, an organosulfer compound known for its ability to fight off infections.

    StudiesTrusted source have shown that taking a garlic supplement on a regular basis can help prevent the common cold virus. Adding fresh garlic to your diet is also a way of gaining its antimicrobial properties. Your grandmother might have told you to suck on a clove of garlic to sooth a sore throat. Because garlic has many healing actions, you might try this, though you may want to brush your teeth afterward to protect your teeth from enzymes and improve your breath.

    1. Cayenne pepper or hot sauce

    Often used as a pain reliever, cayenne pepper contains capsaicin, a natural compound known for blocking pain receptors.

    Although not scientifically proven, ingesting cayenne mixed with warm water and honey can help with pain relief for sore throats. Remember that an initial burning sensation is common. Cayenne should not be taken if you have open sores in your mouth. Start with just a few drops of hot sauce or a light sprinkle of cayenne, as both can be very hot.

  • Can a woman be taller than she really is?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    People are taught before they can climb the ladder to the top. For women to get to the top, they have to be taught and only those who allow themselves to be taught will get to the  top and stay there.

    Teaching is crucial to obtaining. It makes one familiar with an otherwise strange terrain. It releases insight, equips and guides. People who are not taught cannot excel in the area where they lack the appropriate knowledge. However, teaching faces a serious problem if the prospective students are not teachable. There could be many reasons for this, but top of  the lot is low self-esteem; those that see themselves below what they really are. Before now, women were treated as those not worthy to be found in top positions and as a result, they were  ignored, resisted and by passed in anything that had to do with the top. You would not find women going the extra-mile to equip themselves for a higher position. A school of thought rightly pointed out that self-esteem is personal, whether high or low. It comes from within. And if it is low, it prevents and restrains her. Low self-esteem isolates. When a person has inferiority complex, he or she selects his or her needs from a wide range of inferior choices.

    The faith to aim higher is lacking and so flight upwards is impossible. Women were barred from the top mostly not by men but by their sense of self-worth. The messages, programmes, opportunities and schemes in society, though not verbalised, ‘chose’ secondary positions for  women. There were feminine courses in  the university, feminine vacancies in companies, feminine this and feminine that. The top was dominated by men. One also observed that not all women accepted this state. Some rejected and resisted it. These groups of women alienated themselves from whomever and whatever would keep them down. They sought information to empower themselves.

    They fought this cruel and artificial law of gravity. They went up. Most importantly, they dealt with self.

    Instead of measuring themselves low, they increased their worth. They excluded themselves from the legion of women that accepted and consented to inferiority. They noted that the top is not masculine; it is gender blind. The thing about the top is, nobody who doesn’t want it gets it. People that get to the  top prepare for it; they pay the price. Only those who are taught withstand the rigours and the sacrifice for the top. Teaching is what erodes inferiority complex. It arms one to forsake the lies one has been believing about oneself. Who said you can’t get to the top? Who said you are inefficient? Teaching in the long run affects, positively, the way we are. In turn, what we are determines where we are. The candle for the candle stick, the bird for the sky, the fish for the sea. What you are places you in your appropriate habitation. The more transformed you are, the more your ability to fly to the top. So, what’s the message? Change becomes new and different.

    Teaching enforces changes because we change with new information. When you yield to be taught, you are yielding to the power of elevation. It has got nothing to do with your gender. It is the stuff you are made of. It is about what you have equipped yourself for. There are so many vacant positions above your present level whether you see them advertised in the newspaper or not; they exist. Limiting yourself to only the positions available where you are is a great error. There is life beyond where you are and what you are doing now. It’s not only the top we know that we can mount. There’s also the top that can be created. Secondly, you cannot mount the top that you are not fit for and you can never stay too long on a seat you are too big for. To be fit, you have to become adequate. To move upwards from your present seat, you become more than adequate. If you find yourself on one seat for too long, it simply means that the seat is still your size. Become bigger and better and you can actually be ‘taller’ than you are.

  • Is good look enough to win a woman’s heart?

     Vera CHIDI-MAHA

    A man’s facial look is of great importance to some women. A handsome and good looking man is what a great percentage of us look out for. You know when that kind of guy steps into a room and temporarily takes your breath. The type that makes your knees go weak. He is that guy with this stunning grace that the woman keeps dreaming about even long after he has left your presence.

    Talk about black men, they are the greatest turn on for any woman. There is much to be desired in this kind of ‘mankind’. There’s always a point of attraction. In the good old days, men were separated from boys by their pot-bellies. As in, the bigger your tummy the more you were assumed to be loaded and successful. It was a sign of good living. In fact, it was a woman’s delight. Then, ladies would  flock around such men. As a matter of fact, a male friend of mine claimed he almost lost his life to alcohol, in a bid to win over the women, thinking that drinking heavily would enlarge his stomach.

    So our question is: if a man has only good looks (depending on our definition of good looks, it could be a fine face, pot belly, bald head etc) is it enough to win a woman’s heart?

    Some women look for specific features in a man. Some look for solidly built, macho looking, broad shouldered men.Some even prefer  good dentition. A good dress sense of course would not hurt.

    Another group of women actually go beyond a man’s facial or outward appearance. Princess Tosin, a respondent, believes that a man needs more than a good look to win a woman’s heart.

    She asked:’of what use are  a man’s looks if he does not have money?’

    She added: ‘What is a man without money? It is money that makes a man.’

    Studies have shown that some women, on sighting a man with lots of cash to play around with, throw their professional ambitions to the wind, abandon jobs, crash out of school and trample on former fiances (no matter how good looking) in a frenzied rush to where they think there is inexhaustible gold to be dug.

    There was a particular young lady who ordinarily would have made a good housewife for any man.

    She got  married to  a man she had apparently  overrated. Of course, the man made it all up, courting her with a new car he bought with the last of his savings and climaxed the drama with a carnival of a five-star hotel wedding, courtesy of an overdraft. A few weeks later there was nothing more to see. The show was over.

    Speaking objectively, it is imperative that one balances all aspects of life. Once the attraction between a man and a woman is mutual, every other thing will fall into place. Good looks or not, money or no money, the mutual feelings of both parties will naturally attract all these and more.

  • Do you know how to ‘worship’ a woman?

    By Vera CHIDI-MAHA

    NO, it is not blasphemy of any sort. It is just a line from a movie I recently watched on Africa Magic. It was said by Rita Dominic who acted the role of Ireti in the movie. I cannot easily recall the title of the movie, but the protagonists in the film were veteran actors like Olu Jacobs and Ramsey Noah who featured as the love-sick husband of Ireti; Ramsey Noah who acted the randy lover boy and, of course, Iretiola (Rita Dominic), who was the lady and wife at the centre of it all.

    Iretiola was a rich housewife who had a doting husband who would give her the moon if she asked for it. Her husband called her his moonbeam’. He loved her in every sense of the word, but sometimes love might just not be enough. He bought her everything money could buy.

    He employed maids, a driver and a cook who were all at her beck and call. Ironically, however, Ireti, unlike the typical woman, was fulfilled as a woman. She was very content, staying home all day and looking pretty and desirable to her husband. Out of the blues, her husband suddenly needed an inspiration to write a book, so he asked her to go out to ‘explore’ the world; come back with stories that would help him write his book.

    After much persuasion from her husband, Iretiola reluctantly enrolled in a dancing class for lessons. Her man further pushed her to try and get the young and handsome dancing instructors attention, get him to make love overtures towards her and she will in turn bring him back the stories for his book.

    Crazy requests, wouldn’t you say? Anyway, Iretiola, considering the fact that her man would do anything for her man did not say ‘no’ to her man’s request on the contrary she did as she was told. She seduced the poor unsuspecting instructor and brought home stories for her man. At some point, however, she began to fall for the guy. As a matter of fact they began to respond to the sudden chemistry that suddenly erupted between them. The consequences of these feelings they had for each other made her open up to the instructor, told him she was in fact married, she told him everything. After he recovered from the initial shock of falling in love with a married woman, things got out of hand. They both eloped. In all this, her poor, old and doting husband realised his mistake of sending out a hitherto content wife to the wolves. He sent threat letters trying to stop the happy-go lucky, younger lover to steer clear from his wife. It did not work; he employed the services of private investigators who could not track them down as they were already out of the country.

    He became very ill, he was love-sick, he could not bear the thought of living without his ‘moonbeam’. He tore up the almost finished book that he title ‘Loin in love’, he set the book ablaze blaming the concept of the book as the cause of his loss and misfortune. At the other side of the storyline, Iretiola had gotten over her initial sense of adventure and what and what she though was love for the younger man. She knew something huge was missing. She knew that compared to her husband, her new man was no match at all. Of course he was financially stable; but that was not it. All they did was make love and then he would leave her to do his personal businesses like jogging in the mornings, making business calls and so on.

    Ireti, thereafter, came to her senses. She made up her mind to go back to her man who loved, adored and even ‘worshipped’ the ground she walked on. So, with her things packed, one beautiful morning, just as lover boy was about to leave their makeshift home; she threw the question that had been burning on her mind to him ‘do you know how to worship a woman’. The man was so shocked all he could mutter was ‘worship’? After answering him right back in the affirmative she continued; yes, worship. My husband worships me. Naturally, her boyfriend tried to convince her that he could be better but pleaded for time to acclamatise to their new environment so that he could give her all the attention she required. For her, it was too late. She subsequently went back home to her husband. The scene of her comeback was so emotional that tears welled up in my eyes. Ireti’s husband was planning a vacation, according to his doctor’s instructions just to get over his wife and recover from the shock as it was affecting his health. It was at the point of his departure that he heard the knock on his gate. Ireti, his runaway wife, was back. Her first words to him were ‘curse me’ send me away’ I do not deserve your love; I have failed you’. Can you guess her husband’s response? I’m sure you can’t. He said ‘my moonbeam’ with his arms outstretched towards her; how can I send you away’ when I am the one that bla bla bla. I beg I don’t remember his exact words, but they both had tears screaming down their faces; even their maids, cook and driver were all in tears. I am sure you now understand why the tears also found their way to my face as well.

    Truth is: you can’t make another person feel more than what they already feel because their hearts and emotions are their own. That being said, it is possible to intrigue a man more and this can have positive effects on his behaviour. To get our men to treat us like goddesses can really happen when we try these tips; our men cannot help but worship us.

    Respect the partnership

    You have committed yourself to each other. Therefore a woman must remember that fact when taking a major decision. Give your man due respect as your other half and you are giving him a fine example that you deserve due respect, too.

     Work together as a team

    You must work together as a team but you also need to maintain individuality. You need to give each other some personal space to grow. You have to give him some freedom to be with his friends as he should give you yours. Let yourself be the person he has grown to love, only better each day.

    Know what he needs and wants

    Indulge him sometimes, adjust to what he likes. Exert some effort to give him things that make him happy. Provide him with little pleasures. He will adore you for understanding his needs. His needs to be with his friends, his needs to be alone, sometimes, his needs to be with you.

    But never be a pushover

    Be pleasant and pleasing but don’t try too hard to please. Giving him what he wants does not mean having to give up what you want. Men don’t worship women who can’t assert themselves.

    Take care of yourself.

    Pay attention to your health

    Be fit. Indulge yourself every once in a while. You can’t really expect him to worship someone who looks like slop, can you? Or admire someone who doesn’t-who doesn’t even make an effort to look good. But don’t be too vain or artificial either; he might not like it.

    And take care of him. Be his friend. Be there for him all the time and also earn his respect and admiration along the way. Be the one person he would choose to be with if he’s stuck on a scheduled. Be friends with his friends. Wear lingerie. Give him an unsolicited backrub after sex. Love his family and show him. Tell him how to kiss you. Worry about him. Talk serious stuff like the news. Kiss his shoulders while sleeping. Call him out if he is slacking off romance. Love him

    Strike a balance

    If you can strike a good balance and know when to speak or be silent, when to hold his hand or let him be alone, when to be sensual or be a sensual friend; then he will do more than worship you.

    He will treasure you.

     

  • If it’s love, how can it be forbidden?

    By Vera CHIDI-MAHA

    NKIRU, my childhood friend, recently informed me of her forthcoming wedding slated for the third week of December. To say I was elated to hear the news would be an understatement. Nkiru is getting married? I was ‘over the moon’. This was the best news I have heard since the beginning of this year! My friend is about seven years my senior, but the age difference between us had never affected our relationship in anyway. On the contrary, we have an almost perfect relationship.

    By all standards, Nkiru is somebody the society would consider a ‘big girl’. She has her Master’s degree, she has a good job, she is beautiful, as in well endowed. She is every man’s dream of a perfect beauty, if you ask me. Ironically, however, beneath these entire seemingly perfect exteriors, Nkiru is an unhappy lady. She has no man to call her own. As successful as she is, she has allowed this ‘little lack’ to bother her so much that she has begun to look a little older than her age.

    Both of us always have very busy schedules and we hardly have time to hang out and discuss the going-on in our lives, but we manage to squeeze out time to chat on the phone.

    It was during our last such chat on the phone that I noticed the excitement in her voice. I, thereafter, insisted on seeing her in person. Nkiru had never been this excited in a long time. I know her. So, I knew something was really up. Could it be that she had got another promotion at work place? A new car? A new house or perhaps a new collection of gold jewellery? (She is crazy about jewelleries). I tried to make a wild guess, but I just could not lay my hands on it.

    At the risk of sounding too eager to know what was going on, I insisted we hang out at an eatery close to her office. Right after we ordered our lunch, I rushed her with a million and one question. ‘What’s up my friend? Tell me please. I am dying to know,’ I said. After she let out a mischievous smile, she broke the news I had waited almost all my life to hear.

    ‘Vera’ she said, grabbing both my hands in hers and sounding like she had just won a lottery. ‘Vera, I am getting married! I am sure you can begin to imagine my joy and my reaction. We were so happy, we were oblivious of the scene we created,’ she added. After our celebration, the expected questions came from me to her. ‘Who is the lucky man? Someone we both know/ what does he do?’ the reaction I got from her was the type I anticipated. She immediately became uncomfortable and even became almost defensive. ‘Does it matter, Vera? What matters is that I love him and we are getting married and I do not care who is in support and who is not. To hell with everybody, should I die a spinster?’ she asked no one in particular.

    After her outburst of emotions, she burst into serious tears. It was at that point that I became aware that we were being started at by almost everybody at the eatery. I quickly gave her my handkerchief and ushered her into the car. I allowed her cry on my shoulders for some time. After she managed to calm down, I started crying too, I mean, I was confused. I cried and cried for no particular reason. Here was my dear, dear friend, so happy and yet sad at the same time. What could be responsible for this mixture of emotions? Obviously it must be bad. A little later, Nkiru decided to tell me all about it. With a glitter in her eyes, she looked straight at me, whispered my name and said: ‘I am in love, I am in love.’ ‘Okay,’ I said. I knew that part, but why the tears? She continued as if I had not interrupted her. ‘I am in love with my mechanic,’ she said. ‘Okay,’ I said, trying to digest what she said and listening to her at the same time. ‘My mechanic is the man of my dreams. He had worked on my cars for years, yet I had always taken him for granted. He left school with a National Diploma in Business Administration, but had no wherewithal to complete his education. So, in an act of desperation, he decided to learn to fix cars. I do not want to bore you with details because we both need to get back to work but the problem is; my parents are totally upset about it.

    ‘They believe I am too much for the guy, he could be a gold digger and so on. But the truth is that this guy has always been there for me. I could call him at odd times of the day and he has never said no to me.

    ‘He does not judge me. He does not query me. He has never cheated me in the years, he has worked for me nor has he ever asked me for a penny outside the services he renders to me. ‘We just discovered that we are meant for each other. Why can’t my parents see that? Must he be a lawyer or medical doctor to fit the blan? Should he start to meet society’s expectation of him? Instead of becoming a mechanic, would my parents have preferred him to become a fraudster of some sort? Tuned, (that was the first time, I had heard her say his name) loves me. That’s all that matters to me and I love him.

    ‘I have met his parents and they simply treat me like a queen. My mind is made up. She announced, suddenly regaining her confidence. ‘If my parents don’t give me their blessing, we will simply elope. We have planned to get married in a registry in Ikoyi, she said with finality. After a brief silence, I took a deep breath, looked her eyeball to eyeball, and said: ‘Nkiru, I am happy for you. If this guy makes you this happy, then go for it, girl! “

    As I drove back to the office, I began to wonder. So people are still this archaic, I thought, having waited this long for their daughter to get married, instead of them to be happy for her. I am not saying that any lady eligible for marriages should jump at the first man who asks for her hand in marriage. No, that’s not what I am saying I simply mean that ideally, love is where you find it. You cannot even choose who you love. I mean, true love. Love is not forced, it just happens. How do you explain the oddest of couples; you know, like, fine man, ugly wife, rich man, poor girl, elderly man, younger lady, the white man falling for the black girl, the very slim guy falling in love with a very fleshy lady?

    As a matter of fact, late last year, I recalled reading in one of the society magazines about an elderly medical doctor who fell in love with an ex-beauty queen who was old enough to be his daughter. A couple of days to his slated wedding with the ex-beauty queen, his children from his first marriage made frantic efforts to stop the wedding. They locked him up in his bedroom! Can you beat that? They, however, let him go when he burst into tears and vowed to kill himself if they stopped him from marrying the woman he was in love with. The children thereafter gave him their blessing, though, reluctantly.

    Do you also recall an ex-warlord who got married to an ex-beauty queen who was once his god-daughter and a daughter to his friend, an ex-governor? The father, his childhood friend, fought him ‘tooth and nail’ to stop their union. He had good plans for his daughter but it did not include allowing her getting married to his friend. He tried to fight love. He failed. Their love conquered. She did not marry the ex-warlord for his money, no, far from it. Of course, she had other better and younger suitors, but she chose him.

    Today, they are still happily married with kids to match. I am happy for them. But come to think of it, if it is love, how on earth can it be forbidden?

  • Domestic violence reaching epidemic proportions

    About a fortnight ago, Abibat, a sweet  dedicated Catholic and a practising nurse, not her  real name, is hospitalised in the same hospital she worked. Initially,  the concerned family members and friends were put in the dark as to why she was in the hospital battling for her life.

    It did not make sense. Some spoke to her days earlier and she sounded very healthy.

    The truth eventually came out when neighbours let the proverbial cat out of the bag when their were serious protests by their home. Youths were threatening to lynch her husband.  They told whoever cared to listen the our sweet Abibat drank bleach in a bid to escape her husband’s verbal and physical abuse.

    This information came as a horrible shock to all that heard, except the neighbours, ofcourse.

    Church members told how happy and close they always appeared in church.  They regularly wore same clothes.  They made all singles wish they were married.  They were always cited as examples of how a couple should appear.  How ironical!

    To think that their home was a living hell where on several occasions neighbours had been called upon to settle their differences and in most cases literally drag Abibat away from her abusive husband.

    Incidentally,  her husband, also a very active person in church,  did not in anyway appear to be an abuser.

    Okada riders told how her husband would oftentimes monitor her positions on the bike. Slapping or hitting her, alleging that she was sitting too close to the biker. He complained that her breasts were too close to the biker.

    We were also informed that whenever she came home from work,  how he would chase her out alleging that she had been sleeping around.

    Read Also: 10 Nigerian celebrities who suffered domestic violence

    Thankfully,  Abibat did not die from her suicide attempt.  Her husband is in custody as I write this piece and Abibat is recovering fast. She confided in me through the phone that she wanted to end her life because she did not want to witness the shame of facing her parents and siblings.  She further told me how she defied her wealthy family and married her husband because she felt she was in love.

    She said for the two years they had been married, he had continued to beat her almost on a daily basis.  She alleged that she was promiscuous.  She regrets her suicide attempt, prays to recover and return to her parents’ home.

    According to her, the reason she chose death initially was to avoid her parents knowing.  She said now that they had known,  the marriage was automatically over.

    All I could muster to her was a few words.  Marriage is not and has never been a  do-or-die affair.

    Staying in an abusive relationship is not worth it. On a very regular basis,  women in abusive relationships often opts to die in it rather than face the humiliation of living a single life and facing public scrutiny.  Well,  I would rather be single than die in an abusive relationship.

    Domestic violence is defined as a violent or aggressive behaviour within the home, typically involving the violent abuse of a spouse or partner.  It is also called Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).

    Intimate partner violence is a serious preventable public health problem that affects millions  globally.

    Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.

    It does not discriminate.  Anyone of any race , age , sexual orientation,  religion or gender can be a victim or a perpetrator of domestic violence.  It can happen to people who are married or living together or dating. It affects people of all socio-economic backgrounds.  If you find yourself in an abusive relationship remember the following:

    *You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.

    * You are not to blame for your partner’s abusive behaviour.

    *You deserve better.  You deserve to be treated with respect.

    * You deserve a safe and happy life.

    *Your children deserve a safe and better life.

    * You are not alone.  Please get help.

    It is only natural that you want to help your partner.  You may think you are the only one who understands him or that it is your responsibility to fix his problems.  The truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse,  you are reinforcing and enabling the behaviour.  Instead of helping your abuser , you are perpetrating the problem.

  • You win by playing by the rules

    Winning has different definitions for different people. To one, it could be recovering from an illness; it may be passing an examination. To others, it could be suddenly becoming rich and to some others it is having enough to meet one’s needs. For a woman, a win should be a must. What is a win to you may be a walk-over to me and vice versa.

    Winning is triumphing. It is having or being that which makes you fulfilled. Many set on the paths of triumphs but get weary along the way and return to defeat, depression and misery. Others think they should win because they have suffered for so long, forgetting that probably that they have not done what is needful to win.

    A top female physician, Mrs Rosemary Abuah, said: “You don’t win because you have a suffering experience; you win because you play by the rules”. She further explained that “one of the rules of winning is fighting. If there was no opposition, everyone would be a winner. It is the situation that calls for war. You don’t just fight, you fight lawfully. Some women can fight but they do so unlawfully.They fight the wrong people, using the wrong weapons. They fight for the wrong reasons. They fight for their enemies and not against them”.

    We asked how women can fight lawfully, she further explained. “You participate, you enlist, then go out and let people know you are competing. You demand for what you want. Crying or self-pity is definitely not participating.”

    She added: “Sitting idle is not fighting. Go where you are likely to get help for what you need. Do only those things that can change your situation. Negative thinking and taking wrong attitudes, desiring pessimism, emotional problems, wrong choices, keep people constantly out of the ring, you stand disqualified, no matter how hard you try”

    Mrs. Abuah further gave a few tips that women need to know to ginger them up to fight and win.

    Goal setting: You cannot win without a goal post. It is often said that the higher the goal post, the easier the chances of scoring. Losers, on the contrary, think that the lower the goal post (or desire) the higher the chances of winning. Those who don’t set goals at all, get tossed to and fro every year with nothing to aim at or fight for.

    Enthusiasm: Every woman that must win needs that inner fire to burn from within, otherwise there will be no reason to go on when things are bleak.

    Before you win, there could be many discouraging reports. A lot of excitement, enthusiasm and interest about something will keep you on the road for a win.

    Persistence: Continuing to try to do something in spite of difficulties, especially when other people are against you and thing that you can be stopped, then, you win. See it: If the naked can see her clothed, she will fight to have same. If the hungry can see a prepared table, she will fight to have same. If the homeless can see a beautiful home, she will fight to have same. People do not fight because they see nothing. It is what you keep seeing that keeps you fighting till you win. So, what do you see?

    Have it: If you must win, this is the path to take. Begin to live as if you already have it. You won’t have it when you have won. You have it before you win. It knows that you have it that will make you refuse a no for an answer.

    We have no idea when you will win, but we know that with the above tips, meaning, if you have set goals to aim at every day,every week, every month, every year, so many good things will start happening to you. You will become stronger everyday with growing self-esteem. When you look back, you will marvel at the changes that have taken place in your life.

    If you win in the real sense of the word, there will be other successes to celebrate. In like the non-fighters, you can count some blessings. Another fact is you will win if you don’t change your mind about winning. Women will win when they understand that there is a battle to fight before winning.

    Women will win when they stop waiting for trophies. There is something to do, to win. Don’t forget, it is always well done. There is a price to pay. We have to face the real opponents, our fears, our inhibitions, our mental weakness, our visionlessness, our painlessness, our slothfulness, our ignorance, our selfishness, our superficialness, our idleness, our solitude and fight to win.

    Pursue success: Be loyal to your success. Work at it. Work it out. Women are no failures. Art Williams says, “Somebody is going to win and the person who wins will be the person who is just a little bit tougher. The person who waits just a little bit more”.

    I challenge you to surprise everyone, including yourself. John Mason says, “One of the greatest pleasures you can find is doing what people say you cannot do”.

  • Would you settle for the good, the bad or the naughty girl?

    I grew up in Fadeyi, one of the rough and rowdy outskirts of Lagos. Fadeyi had everything and anything. We had the refined ones, the ghetto ones, and the carefree ones. I must not forget to mention that in our great Fadeyi, we had good girls, bad girls and the naughty ones.

    But generally speaking, we have different categories of girls all round the world, we have bad girls and whether we like it or not, we have the very naughty girls. I am eager to tell you a few things about good girls. They are very regular, well behaved and they show decorum in the way they talk and carry themselves. They don’t speak, unless they are spoken to. Their whereabouts at any given time are known by their parents and even siblings alike. You cannot date them to take them out of their homes unless you have their parents’ permissions. They are so well-mannered; they could wait for their wedding nights to get ‘deflower’. Their good girl status has nothing to do with their upbringing or the society; it is just the way they are.

    The bad girls are just for no reason in particular. They are the insatiable types, the types that would extort from a man without a second thought. They would date two to three friends at a go, with no apologies to anyone. They are capable of getting any man of their choice at their beck and call. If it is even remotely possible to steal their friend’s man. They would go right ahead without butting an eyelid.

    Lastly, the naughty girls. They are the ones that know how to make a man happy; both in bed and outside the bed. They are not in the reserved league at all. When a man is daring enough to date them, they meet up with the man’s expectations. This group of girls dates their men with no pretence whatsoever; most guys go with this group of girls because they like to cut straight to the chase. This brings me to the story of my childhood neighbours, Franca and Ijeoman. Franca and Ijeoma were age mates, but their differences were like night and day.

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    Franca, to everyone’s knowledge, was tagged a very naughty girls. She was notorious. Every man wanted her because she knew how to treat them right.

    In fairness to her, Franca never double dated at any time. She was always a one man’s woman. Ironically, her suitors could not have enough of her, but because people saw her as notorious, they refused to be seen in the public with her. Austin, on his part, was also a daring young man. He was bold enough to date Franca openly without any inhibitions. Two years into their relationship, they took a step further and tied the knot. Austin later won the US lottery and he relocated with his family to the United States of America.

    The stories that have been reaching us thereafter are that Franca later became a very industrious lady. She secured two different jobs and opted to also further her education. Austin was encouraged by Franca to send for his mother to come for a visit. In February, this year; they just completed their three-storey building in Delta State. They plan to visit in December to officially open their family home. Austin today attributes his success story to his once naughty girlfriend that has now become his very caring, industrious and loving wife.

    Ijeoma, on her part, was the regular girl next door. Very homely, reserved, decent (if you like the type that wears very long skirt and oversized shirt to match). Everybody felt Ijeoma was the ideal girl to marry. She was supposedly everyman’s dream of a good woman. Ijeoma lived a good life. She had a very clean slate. There was no man or boy that ever dated her. She was later married off to an eligible suitor based in England called Udoma.

    Ijeoma’s husband was ecstatic to meet his wife a virgin. Things were wonderful. The marriage was simply a dream come true or so everybody thought, Ijeoma’s true colour came into play when she started telling her husband who could come to their family house in England and who could not.

    Only those who could visit were ijeoma’s people. First, her immediate younger brother left for England, then her mum and soon, her elder sister.

    Whenever Udoma tried to suggest that one of his people should visit even for a month, hell would be let loose. Ijeoma just could not tolerate any of her in-laws. Udoma tolerated this for four years of their marriage. In those years, no money was sent to his people, even calls were drastically reduced. In the fourth year, Udoma could not take it anymore. He reacted by refusing to take meals at home. Ijeoma provoked him endlessly, and when he could not take it anymore, he slapped her.

    To cut a very long story short. Udoma has been deported to Nigereia. The court held that he could not remain in England because he was physically abusing his wife. We were all shocked to see him back in Nigeria after spending so many years abroad.We also knew that his predicament was as result of marrying a bad girl in a good girl’s skin.

    Till date, he is trying to find his feet. So, the question is what kind of girl would you settle for? Readers’ responses are welcome.