Category: Feminique

By Vera

THE basic responsibility of the man is to be the breadwinner of his immediate family. As such, he is expected to take care of the needs of his family members. Often times women do contribute their quota to the upkeep of the home, for instance, helping in settling the children’s school fees, NEPA bills or even buying food stuffs at home. But what happens when the woman earns more than her spouse?

Tunde Bello, a lecturer, says he would never pray for such a condition; but if it happens, it would inspire him to work harder to meet up as head of the family. As a responsible man whose duty it is to pay the family bills, he will endeavour to make more money than his wife by all legitimate means.

Phillip, a construction engineer, has this to say. “She should be ready to take up the responsibility of doing some things at home. That does not mean I’m taking advantage of her. This would be based on mutual understanding. If I pick up all the bills at home, what would she be doing with her own money? She should be ready to shoulder some of the responsibilities. As regards being domineering, it depends on the individual. Some women can take advantage of the situation to take over the control their husbands. While some were brought up to respect and honour people, such women, no matter the disparity in their earnings with their husbands’, they will still be submissive”.

Plus, a pastor says it is trust and understanding that matter. He does not see anything wrong in it because husband and wife are one in the lord. “There is need to support such a woman totally and give her all the encouragement and love she needs. I know and trust my wife very much and the fact that she is picking the bills does not make her arrogant”.

Reacting, Mrs Oduniyi, a baker, would want the husband to remain the breadwinner, as head of the family. Her prayer is that God should empower him so that he will be able to cater for the family. If it turns out that she’s earning more, she would try and give him all the support he needs.

“I would not want him to feel inferior. If God gives me the opportunity I would not allow it to affect me in any way I will be a supportive wife”.

Tope earns more than her husband on monthly basis and she has never allowed it be a source of rancour in the house. On a monthly basis, she hands over her salary to her husband to use as he deems fit.

“I don’t support the idea of not declaring my income to my spouse in as much as l know that he loves me sincerely and is not having extra marital affairs. I believe his time will come when he would spend so much on me even more than what I am doing for him at the moment”.

On her part, Mrs Isma, a journalist, says “I believe it does not really change anything. It depends a lot on the couple’s faith, just because I am the breadwinner of my home does not give me the right to be bossy or arrogant. Of course, I know the punishment that awaits me if I do that. So, what matters is the fear of God. These factors will prevent any act of disobedience, even if I pick all the bills at home and he does not appreciate my efforts. Instead of being angry, I’ll leave the matter for God to judge between us”.

Speaking realistically, Ben, a retired soldier, says: “When my wife becomes the breadwinner, there is nothing I can do. I can only pray that God should continue to bless her. We are expected to help each other.  But if she chooses to grow wings, there are ways to clip those wings”.

On the other hand, Mr. Mordi, a medical doctor, says he will not be threatened when the wife picks some bills at home. I will even go a step further to counsel her on how to manage her resources.

According to Emeka, a carpenter,  “it is a pleasure we are a couple; whatever belongs to her is mine too”.

Mrs. Nduka, an industrialist, believes “I have been married for over three years. Though my husband is a graduate, he has not worked for one day. I know most times he is worried but it doesn’t bother me much. After all, he is my husband, he chose me amongst other women. Though my parents and younger ones frown at it  because I love him dearly, I will go through him for every kobo I spend in my salary. Being breadwinner in my home is just a piece of cake since I can afford it, why not?’

My comment

As the fruits of hard work, commitment and enterprise begin to pour in, the pay packets of women these days will swell, and some will definitely earn more than their husbands. Only the discerning woman will be able to turn these financial gains into a blessing for herself and her loved ones.

DEAREST People of God, Please, please, please LET’S PAY ATTENTION TO THE YOUNG GIRLS AROUND US! As indicated above, my public line is a WhatsApp only line but a particular number kept calling and I couldn’t help but pick it. It turned out to be a 15-year-old calling from Edo State that she had no one to confide in and thought to call me to counsel her after reading my newspaper article!

She went on to tell me how her 38-yr-old neighbour had been telling her God said she’s his wife and has been wooing her with so much pressure. She sounded like she was already brainwashed and falling in love. After telling her to steer clear of him, I told her to report to her parents only for her to tell me her parents live in Benue State. I can’t quite remember her reasons for not living with her parents at the moment but we all know because of the economic hardship and other reasons, too many girls are not living with their parents and neither are they being closely monitored. In fact, an average girl not living with her parents is experiencing some form of abuse or the other! This girl was speaking quite incoherently, sounding exasperated and confused! I bet she lacks self-esteem and needs all the love in the world and that evil man could succeed in diverting the course of her destiny! Who knows if he’s been giving her gifts no one has ever given her or buying her better food than she could ever get from her guardian and telling her she’s the most beautiful girl in the world, promising her heaven and earth? How won’t she fall for him? Then God forbids her getting pregnant-her life suddenly takes a cataclysmic course!

Believe me, EVERY SINGLE YOUNG GIRL OUT THERE IS UNDER UNDUE PRESSURE AND CONFUSION OCCASIONED BY A DEPRAVED WORLD! YOU MAY BE SHOCKED TO DISCOVER THE GUY THAT’S BEEN HARASSING YOUR YOUNG DAUGHTER!

Girls…girls…girls, no matter what your youthful exuberance and Zeeworld may make you feel you know about love, IN YOUR TEENS YOU’RE 95%  UNLIKELY TO KNOW WHO YOU SHOULD END UP WITH IN MARRIAGE AS YOU’RE YET TO DISCOVER YOURSELF FULLY! STOP LOOKING FOR TROUBLE! BE PATIENT! BE PATIENT!! BE PATIENT!!! PLEASE! The world is getting crazier by the day and only the fittest can survive! I’ve often said your teens should be spent concentrating on laying a solid foundation for your future, academically, psychologically, spiritually, emotionally and so on! Don’t let any guy scatter your head with love! You’d always lose out! Time has proven that girls who don’t have romantic relationships in their teens usually turn out far better than those who fell under the crush of heavy heart-breaks and strings of boyfriends! The world is highly-competitive and if you don’t prepare well enough when you have all the energy, passion and vivid imagination, you will certainly end up on the lower rung of the ladder of life and get trampled by men! Yes!  Start guarding your future and destiny instead of a foolish and unnecessary love affair and let the world’s most honourable and finest men rush you in future!

Dear All,

Every girl is an institution and the bedrock of the future society. We don’t want more street urchins, prostitutes and layabouts. We, our children and grandchildren deserve a saner society in future although these are end times! Please chip in a word from time to time whenever you come across young girls, they need all the counsel they can get in a world where the female folk is victimised! May God send help to your children in Jesus mighty name and may God protect our girls from the stupid, bad devil itself!

• I invite you to follow me on Facebook –TEMILOLU OKEOWO Instagram @ Okeowo Temilolu.

Adeola ADEBIYI

AS I sat on my wheel chair in the front of a mirror, I realise how ugly I now look with half of my face melted away, and one of my arms which suddenly disappeared over night.

I looked at the wall and my eyes landed on my portrait, which was given to me by a friend on my twenty sixth birthday.

I looked so beautiful in it with the white set of my teeth dazzling like the moonlight. Comparing the lady in the portrait with the lady seated on the wheel chair, the difference is just too clear and I wonder if this is how one’s life changes.

I am Adesua Arowojobe and very beautiful lady back in those days. I am the first in a family of five; three girls and two boys.

I will regard my family as a poor one, we find it hard to eat twice in a day and my parents only strove hard to see me through the university.

During my university days, I had a boyfriend whom I tried all I could to be faithful to; even though I can’t point at anything he did or brought for me.

I’d call his type of relationship a parasitic one because he was the one getting from me even though I didn’t have much.

We lived together throughout my stay in school because my parents couldn’t raise enough money for me to get an apartment. This made me get pregnant for him several times which resulted in several abortions.

Type of friends I was keeping then was the big girls on campus. They advised me to leave my boyfriend (Tony) and join their aristos click.

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My boyfriend knew they wanted to win me to their side, so he tried his best to separate me from them. But I had to become close with them again when I needed money to write my project which my parents could not afford.

One of them, whose name was Toyin helped me with the money but not without reminding me of the benefit I would get if I join them.

I finished from school and went for my service, I was posted to the north while Tony did his own in Lagos. Towards the end of my service year, I noticed that my boyfriend’s attitude towards me has changed.

I questioned him but he gave his reasons. After the Youth Service, Tony didn’t stay long before getting a job and after two months he told me he had to quit the relationship because he needed someone that is very much younger than I was.

It wasn’t easy forgetting him, but I had to try because I desperately needed a job then and the frustration my mum was giving me then was unbearable, she lamented any time I went to her for transport; fare for me to go interviews.

My younger ones were also looking up to me, so I decided to forget about tony and tightened my belt so as to get a good job. After a year and four months I still could not get a job. I got fed up and was determined to go for whatever opportunity that came up.

One fateful day, while coming from a place where I went to check the result of an interview I went for, I ran into Toyin with whom I had lost contact since we graduated. She was so happy seeing me and I was too. She was in a jeep and was really looking okay.

She took me to an eatery where we talked. She told me one of our friends now lives in UK where she owns a boutique; another is happily marries to a senator while she (Toyin) is into importing and exporting of lace materials.

I told her my story and she blamed me for everything. She gave me her address and told me to come and her so that she could arrange something for me.

Two days later I went to see her and she told me that she has called one of her Alhaji’s and that the man was willing to meet and help me.

She gave me some money to get myself some clothes,. During that weekend we both travelled to Abuja, where I met the Alhaji; Taofeek a friend to her man-friend.

Alhaji was so nice to me, he provided all I needed and transformed me over night. I forgot all about getting a job and waited for Alhaji to fulfil his promise of setting up a business for me.

My family were so proud of me and my mum advised me to marry Alhaji if he proposed.

Things were going on smoothly until the day Alhaji Taofeek and Toyin’s Alhaji told us (Toyin and I) that they had a party they would want both of us to attend with them.

They went before us, but sent one of their drivers to come and pick us. The party was in the north, so we had to travel far. It was on our way going that we had a fatal accident that claimed the life of both Toyin and the driver.

I was just lucky to be alive. My parents had to spend all they had gained from Alhaji on me to be in the condition that I now am.

TWO common abnormalities are: Vesicoureteral Reflux. Urine normally flows from the kidney down the ureters and into the bladder. This one-way flow is usually maintained because of a “flap-valve” where the ureter joins the bladder. With vesicoureteral reflux, the urine flows backwards from the bladder up the ureters to the kidneys. This urine may carry bacteria from the bladder up to the kidneys and cause a more serious kidney infection (pyelonephritis).

Urinary Obstruction

Urine flow may get blocked at many places in the urinary tract. These blockages are mostly caused by abnormal narrow areas in the urinary tract that prevent normal flow of urine out of the body.

Can UTIs be prevented in Children?

If your child has a normal urinary tract, certain habits can help prevent UTIs. Draining the bladder often is one of the body’s best defenses against UTIs. Drinking more fluids will increase urine flow to flush infection out of the body. Some children are more prone to getting UTIs, and low dose antibiotics can help. Treatment of constipation also helps.

In babies and small children, changing diapers more often can help prevent UTIs. When children start toilet training, it is important to teach them good bathroom habits. After each bowel movement, girls should wipe from front to rear — not rear to front. This keeps germs from spreading from the anus to the urethra. Children should also avoid “holding it in” if they need to urinate and can reach a bathroom. Urine sitting in the bladder too long gives bacteria a good place to grow.

Diagnosis

If you think your child has a UTI, call your health care provider. The only way to diagnose a UTI is with a urine test. Your health care provider will collect a urine sample. The method your health care provider uses will depend on your child’s age and maturity. If your toddler is not toilet-trained, your health care provider may simply attach a plastic bag to your child’s skin to collect the sample. If your child is older, you may be asked to help catch the sample as your child urinates. It is important to keep bacteria from the skin from getting into the sample. Your health care provider may need to pass a small tube into the urethra or a needle into the lower belly to collect a good sample from inside the bladder.

The urine sample is examined under a microscope. If there is an infection, your health care provider may be able to see bacteria and pus (white blood cells). This test takes only a few minutes. The health care provider may also order a urine culture, where bacteria from the urine are grown in a lab incubator. The bacteria can then be identified and tested to see which drugs will work best. Many kinds of bacteria can infect the urine, and different types of bacteria may need different types of antibiotics. It takes many days to get the results from the urine culture.

Treatment

UTIs are treated with antibiotics. If your health care provider thinks your child has a UTI, he or she will choose a drug that treats the bacteria most likely to be causing the problem. Sometimes a few days later, after your health care provider has the urine culture results, the antibiotic might be changed to one that works better against the type of bacteria that was found in your child’s urine. You can also help your child fight the infection by encouraging him or her to drink plenty of fluids and urinate often.

The antibiotic drug, the way it is given, and the number of days it must be taken may depend on the type of infection. If your child is very sick and not able to drink, the antibiotic may need to be given as shots with your child in the hospital. Otherwise, the meds may be given by mouth. Depending on the type of antibiotic used, your child may take a single dose per day or up to 4 doses per day. You may be asked to give your child meds until further tests are finished.

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After a few doses of the antibiotic, your child may appear much better. Most UTIs are cured within a week if treated the right way, but often it may take weeks until all the symptoms are gone. It is important that your child take the antibiotic meds as ordered by your health care provider even if the symptoms have gone away. Unless UTIs are fully treated, they may return, or your child may get another infection.

If symptoms get worse or do not get better within 3 days, your child may need to go to the hospital.

After Treatment

Once the infection has cleared, your child’s health care provider may suggest more tests, particularly if your child has been treated for a kidney infection. The tests are to make sure there are no problems in the urinary tract that might keep your child’s body from fighting off infection, and to see whether there has been any damage to the kidney from the UTI. No single test can tell everything about the urinary tract that might be important to know after a UTI, so many tests are often ordered. If these tests show something abnormal in the urinary tract, your health care provider may want your child to see a pediatric urologist (a health care provider who specializes in problems of the urinary system in children).

The tests may include:

Kidney and/or Bladder Ultrasonography (Ultrasound)

This test gets pictures of the kidney and bladder using sound waves. This test may show shadows that point to some kinds of abnormalities, like blockages, but can’t show all important urinary tract abnormalities. It also can’t tell how well the kidney is working.

Voiding Cystourethrogram (VCUG)

This test can show abnormalities of the inside of the urethra and bladder, and if urine flow is normal when the bladder empties. It also shows if urine from the bladder is backing up into the ureters (vesicoureteral reflux) and whether it reaches the kidneys. For this test a small, soft tube (catheter) is placed into the urethra. A liquid that can be seen on x-rays is then put into the bladder through the tube until your child urinates.

Nuclear Scans

There are different kinds of scans of the bladder and kidneys, and each can give different kinds of information. These scans use liquids that have tiny amounts of a radioactive tracer in them. From these tests, a health care provider can sometimes tell how well the kidneys work, the shape of the kidneys, and if the urine empties from the kidneys or bladder in a normal way. Though the liquids used have radioactive matter in them, the amount is very small and will not hurt your child.

CT Scan or MRI

These tests look at the bladder and kidneys in 3-D. They are sometimes used in cases where other studies are not clear and more details of these organs may be needed.

SECRET. Everybody has a secret. You know that one or two things happened in your past that you’ d rather not talk about. It could even be business plans, investments that you don’t want another to know about. It could also be that shameful act that you were once involved in.And I tell you this, a lot happened to an individual when no one is looking.

So, now that we all get the gist of where I am going with this, what happens when you are married? Is it ideal to keep secrets secret? Are you meant to keep everything close to your chest, hoping your spouse will never know? I want to know if people tell their spouses everything. Do you have limits on what you will or won’t share? Should you tell your man if a man makes a pass at you? Should you tell your wife if another lady catches your fancy or flirts with you? If, as a lady, you are opportune to buy one or two plots of land and you can afford to put a structure or two; should you confide in and carry your man along or keep him in the dark? If, as a man, you are spending more money outside the home to support a friend or family members, should your wife be in the know? Or do you feel that, as a woman, it is really none of her business?

Speaking generally,  in most circumstances, it is good to be open and honest with your spouses. Honesty breeds trust and trust makes for a happy, healthy home life. Unfortunately, however, according to research, there are things you just cannot afford to tell your husband or wife. Some things are really better left unsaid. Reason is because, there are pieces of information that can destroy, rather than mend your homes. Things that are to be left unsaid are issues like saying ugly things about your in-laws. Saying ugly things about your spouse’s friends is one thing, doing so regarding in-laws is considered a cardinal sin, one which  you will pay for, for as many years as you and your spouse remain married.

Another no-go area is, when you begin to recount good memories of your ex. One thing that really makes a spouse boil  is hearing the mention of an ex in a good light. Even if everyone doesn’t admit it, every married person hopes deep down that all the ex’s your spouse might have had, should not be compared to them. This is especially true about things that go on in the bedroom. Just don’t go there. Details about your past relationships to your spouse will only end up destroying the home you have both laboured to build. Do not tell your spouse certain things about your sex life. A few things are trickier or more of a touchy topic between husband and wife  in a marriage than  sex. This is because everyone likes to think that he or she is great in bed, better than anyone else and that he or she is huge turn on for his or her spouse. If any of this is not true, pointing it out to your spouse is likely to cause not just a rift but capable of  ruining  your marital relations. A better approach will be to teach him or her how to please you in bed.

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A neighbour of mine once told me how she taught her spouse how to make love . She said at first, her man would just pounce on her and before you knew it, he was done. For months, she was dissatisfied but being newly wedded, she was not ready to puncture her husband’s ego. So, rather that verbalize her dissatisfaction, she decided to use actions, she taught him how and where to touch to make her happy and of course, you know that naturally, if you make a woman happy, it follows that everybody in the house will be happy. Do not discuss your fantasies with your spouse. Hmmm, fantasies. It is said that having fantasies is healthy. I will say that it is healthy if you keep them to yourself. Regardless of whether they are sexual fantasies or wishful thinking, keep it to yourself because your spouse will see them as dissatisfaction of the status quo or worse as a threat to them.

Esteemed readers, do you recall what was published recently about a messy divorce scandal between a gospel artiste and her producer / hobby? The cause of their divorce, according to her, was his sexual fantasies. Often times, he compelled her to have anal sex with her. Today, their marriage is history. Some have fantasies that cannot even begin to appear on the pages of newspapers. So, you see, some crazy fantasies should be kept within you, period.

Having said that, there are things, that I feel must be told to one’s spouse without hesitation. Things like when one buys a parcel of land or is involved in one form of an investment or the other, your spouse must be in the know. I assure you no man will settle for less; for all you know, his input might be a very positive one and even the builders or the workers on your site will reckon with you and respect you more when you visit your site with your husband.

Secondly, I have heard of women who will buy parcels of land and keep their husbands in the dark until after completion of the project. In my opinion, that is unacceptable. A particular case study is the secretary of a client of mine. She told me she had this land she bought over four years and that her husband knew nothing about it. I tried in my little way to dissuade her but it did not work.

Also, do not disparage your spouse’s friends, it could come back to haunt you.

In conclusion, there are kept secrets meant to keep harmony in the marriage, not as a first step towards lying. However, honesty and openness is still a better approach.