Category: Feminique

4. TELL your child that body secrets are not okay. Most perpetrators will tell the child to keep the abuse a secret. This can be done in a friendly way, such as, “I love playing with you, but if you tell anyone else what we played they won’t let me come over again.” Or it can be a threat: “This is our secret. If you tell anyone I will tell them it was your idea and you will get in big trouble!” Tell your kids that no matter what anyone tells them, body secrets are not okay and they should always tell you if someone tries to make them keep a body secret.
5. Tell your child that no one should take pictures of their private parts.

This one is often missed by parents. There is a whole sick world out there of pedophiles who love to take and trade pictures of naked children online. This is an epidemic and it puts your child at risk. Tell your kids that no one should ever take pictures of their private parts.

6. Teach your child how to get out of scary or uncomfortable situations.

Some childrena are uncomfortable with telling people “no”— especially older peers or adults. Tell them that it’s okay to tell an adult they have to leave, if something that feels wrong is happening, and help give them words to get out of uncomfortable situations. Tell your child that if someone wants to see or touch private parts they can tell them that they need to leave to go potty.

7. Have a code word your children can use when they feel unsafe or want to be picked up.

As children get a little bit older, you can give them a code word that they can use when they are feeling unsafe. This can be used at home, when there are guests in the house or when they are on a play date or a sleepover.

8. Tell your children they will never be in trouble if they tell you a body secret.

Children often tell me that they didn’t say anything because they thought they would get in trouble, too. This fear is often used by the perpetrator. Tell your child that no matter what happens, when they tell you anything about body safety or body secrets they will NEVER get in trouble.

9. Tell your child that a body touch might tickle or feel good.

Many parents and books talk about “good touch and bad touch,” but this can be confusing because often these touches do not hurt or feel bad. I prefer the term “secret touch,” as it is a more accurate depiction of what might happen.

10. Tell your child that these rules apply even with people they know and even with another child.

This is an important point to discuss with your child. When you ask a young child what a “bad guy” looks like they will most likely describe a cartoonish villain. You can say something like, “Mommy and daddy might touch your private parts when we are cleaning you or if you need cream — but no one else should touch you there. Not friends, not aunts or uncles, not teachers or coaches. Even if you like them or think they are in charge, they should still not touch your private parts.”

I am not naïve enough to believe that these discussions will absolutely prevent sexual abuse, but knowledge is a powerful deterrent, especially with young children who are targeted due to their innocence and ignorance in this area.

And one discussion is not enough. Find natural times to reiterate these messages, such as bath time or when they are running around naked. And please share this article with those you love and care about and help me spread the message of body safety!

I RECALL with nostalgia the extra effort my man put in, just to get my attention during the period he was wooing me. I also recall with nostalgia, the flowers and cards he sent me. Oh, and the text messages? Those were countless. It poured in until my phone will say no space for new messages’ I would delete and delete his ceaseless messages. He would call me up like fifteen times a day, to say ‘sweet nothing’ to me.

I must not forget to mention how he would call up , friends to let them know how much he loved me.

Hmm, those were the days. Most interesting part of that stage was when he called and I was not picking; he would simply lose it. As in, he would worry himself sick, wondering if something bad had happened to me or the phone. And if I didn’t return his calls? His heart, he claimed ‘is completely shattered’.

Those were the days he would recharge my friends’ phones just to worm his way into their hearts. And, oh, I must not forget to mention that at that time, my friends who were beneficiaries of his generosity would call me up no matter how late to say; oh girl’ that guy send you dies!’ ‘the guy day kolo for you’ ‘Omo girl consider yourself a lucky girl’ ‘Guy like yours are rare’. The calls were endless.

At that time, I really glowed you know? I was on top of the world. I felt loved and adored. It is not really that I feel less loved now; it is just that those days are fast gone. About eight months into our courtship, the fifteen calls per day, dropped to teen calls, and then to five and then to two to three calls and now sometimes to ‘Network is bad’ ‘Baby, I really tried to reach you, but your line was not going through. Or worse still, he was too busy he forgot to call! Haba. Mallam! Is this fair? Why are men like this? Or is there something the guys know that the ladies don’t know? Are there rules saying choke her when you first meet her and then relax when you have won her over?.

It beats me. I have observed however that it is not really that the man has stopped loving the lady concerned; it is just that the initial passion level (if you like) has dramatically dropped. I also put it to you, readers; that all men are like that. A friend of mine’s man almost lost his leg in an accident in an attempt to attend her graduation ceremony just to prove his love for her. Regardless of his very busy schedule, he drove all the way to Edo State without his driver.

Of course, that singular act on his part melted my friend’s heart and she fell for him, hook, line and sinker. But guess what, four months into their courtship, her bobo, suddenly became too busy, even to attend little functions became a problem and his usually ceaseless calls to her became a huge issue. Naturally, my friend became troubled, she thought her guy, had fallen out of love with her. When she told me of her worries, I laughed uncontrollably and welcomed her to the club.

I said to her: “My sister, he does not love you less, he just feels comfortable that he has won you. So the act of impressing you is over, but with my experience, he is still in love with you. Another friend told me how she spent thousand naira on her hair-do just to impress and get her man’s attention, you know what happened? He did not even notice! This killed her morale and when she tried to bring it up; his sms to her was more discouraging, he sent her a text message saying: ‘Baby you know I am a busy man’ and even though I am madly in love with you; I still need to put food on our table’ with an agitated breadth my friend read and re-read the sms sent to her by her heartthrob. She called me soon after to express her concern. After I calmly listened to her, I tried my best to cajole and reassure her that her man is probably getting comfortable. Before, he had to impress her to make her want him and try to convince her that he is the guy that is worth her while and now that the trophy is won, there is little need’.

Is it right to treat us this way? We are designed to be wooed, pampered and loved. You will agree with me that we are the weaker sex; you are not in any way spoiling us, if that is why you are relaxing in your efforts to impress us. Truth is, little efforts go a long way with us, it may not be flowers but is might be something as simple as bringing us a drink when you come back from the kitchen (without needing to be asked to), may be putting our towel in the dryer while we are in the shower. Pulling up chairs for us to sit. Holding doors open for us to enter before you. Helping out with little house chores here and there rather than leaving us to do them alone.

Go ahead, impress us, even twenty years into the union. Remember our birthdays, Valentine Days and most importantly our anniversaries. Who says you can’t mark one-month anniversary. It is as important as 20th anniversary. Call us as often as possibly or if you feel ceaseless calls are far too expensive to continue with, do send us text messages, they melt our hearts. Clothes, choice of earrings, it really works. Tell us how beautiful we are (this is the joker. I tell you). Every woman loves to be told she is beautiful. An no disrespect to the men, but the truth is if you spend time to appreciate a lady, you will get the best from her, but if you don’t, your guess is as good as mine.

CONSIDER putting computers only in areas of your home where the whole family congregates together. “You don’t want your kids surfing the Web on a computer in their bedroom where you can’t see what they’re looking at,” Dr. Hill warns. If your children do have computers in their bedrooms, install parental controls so that they’re not going to sites you don’t want them to see.

Televisions, too, should be placed only in areas in your home where the family is together—not in kids’ bedrooms.

Barb of Lake Villa, Illinois, has just one television for her family of five, and that’s in her den. “When we watch TV, we all watch it together, and we make sure it’s a show that’s not promoting bad values,” she says. “If my husband or I see something on TV we don’t like, we bring it up with our kids right then and there, while we’re watching the show.”

“Co-viewing,” as this is often referred to, can be a very effective way to filter what kind of ideas are coming into your home and to be aware of what values your kids are being exposed to. If something questionable comes up on a program, don’t be shy about offering your comments during the show or even turning the show off if necessary.

Read Also: 10 practical ways to teach your children right values (4)

After you’ve watched a television show, talk to your children about what you just saw. Were there any moral lessons to be gleaned? What kind of character qualities or weaknesses did these people have? Did the characters’ actions reflect good values?

10. Applaud good behavior

When you observe your children doing something good, let them know you are pleased with their actions.

Thank your children when they clean their rooms without being asked or they do their homework without grumbling. Acknowledge what a good job they did when they finished a seemingly grueling school assignment. If you walk into the living room and notice your children playing nicely together, tell them how wonderful it makes you feel to see them getting along so well.

“Sincere praise goes a long way in reinforcing behaviors you’d like to see more of,” Dr. Hill says. Point out specific actions your children did that were good, so they know exactly what behaviors they should keep doing. “It was nice to see you smiling and talking so politely with Mrs. McDonald at church,” communicates more to your son about what he did right than simply saying, “You were a good boy at church today.”

Communication is the key

The bottom line is that you need to communicate with your children. Talk about what they did right, what they did wrong, how to make better moral decisions, what character traits God wants to see in us, and why you’ve made certain choices in your own life. Granted, it takes time to have these kinds of conversations, but you’ll find the results worth the investment.

Read Also: 10 practical ways to teach your children right values (3)

“Don’t let yourself get so busy that you stop having ‘real’ conversations with your kids,” urges Dr. Hill. It sounds cliché, but children do grow up very fast. Depending on their age, you may have them living in your home for just five or 10 more years. “You need to use the time you have with your kids very wisely,” concludes Dr. Hill. “Make sure you build time into your schedule for consistent, quality, face time with your kids—while they’re still kids.”

• Source:www.ucg.org
• Concluded

MRS. Effedua (not her real name) suspected her husband was having an affair with a particular lady. Her story: My husband was close to a particular tall, fair complexioned, pretty lady at the earlier part of our marriage. He swore they were not having an affair and I really wanted so much to believe him.

His ‘closeness’ to this lady almost wrecked our home. Problem was that this lady, (then) was everything I was not. She was fair, I was dark, she was tall, I was short, she had plenty of money to play around with, I was just a hustler. I realised that the thought of her near my man, drove me nuts. The worst happened when they both had an admission to run a master’s degree programme.

They had to go to school together, she would call him at odd times and no matter how busy he was, she would attend to her. Before I knew it she had moved into our neighbourhood. When he got home from work and parks his car, before he will come up stairs to our flat, he would first of all, check on her. It was a nightmare, I tell you. Yes, he would tell me they needed to compare notes and so on.

Of course, I did not believe him. I mean, why should I? When the first time her mother visited Lagos, she ran to press our door bell, to let him know of her mother’s visit. What for? I asked hm. Without so much as an excuse, he dashed out of house to welcome her mum. (Talk about in-law). Counsel here and there from friends of mine, made me resort to violence I would scream, break things at home. Instead of getting better, he responded by violence too. He would beat me up and scream at the top of his voice that nothing could or would ever separate him from Fidelia (not real name).

Read Also: Would you date or marry an older woman?

In a desperate bid to save my marriage, I cornered the lady on her way back from work one cool evening. (My husband was not back from work). I tried to let her know that her closeness to my husband was causing hell in my home. Her response shocked me to my bones.

After listening to me calmly for a few minutes she said ‘Madam, l love your husband like the brother, I never had. He means a lot to me. He has being telling me of the trouble you have being causing to separate us, but I tell you, it will not work. We love each other like a brother and sister’. After saying her piece, she walked away, without waiting for me to even catch my breadth.

Because of the fake love they claimed to have for each other, my home was on fire for two solid years. Every other day, neighbours, friends, relatives will come to our home to settle our differences. Our kids were just confused as they were too young to understand why daddy and mummy were always at each other throat. How one can claim to love a married man for whatever reason? Can’t she look for a single man to love? Thankfully, today, we are back together again (I say back together because at one point, he even packed his things and left the house. I will spare you the details).

He has started loving me again and the best part of the whole story is that she is married! In fact, on the day of her wedding my head gear was the loudest. I am sure you can imagine my joy. My prayer for her is that no woman should cause her the kind of heartache and pain she caused me and my children, all in the name of love.

Mrs Galady’s Ibe

Unfortunately, I did fall in love with a married man once. He was so generous and loving that it was difficult for me to remember his marital status. He promised to leave his wife and marry me and I prayed and waited to see that day.

Seriously, I was crazy about him. Hey!  What’s not to love? He was so romantic, good looking, very rich. My parents and younger ones simply adored him. He relocated parents to a three bedroom apartment from a face me I face you house. He sponsored my younger ones through school; he got me a good job with a bank.

He spoilt my friend’s silly, a year before we ended our affair, he brought me a mini-jeep. I really loved this man. The only worry was that I observed he was reluctant to leave his wife. He kept promising me. This month, he would say the next until our affair ran into months and then years.

The more I asked him when he was coming to ask for my hand in marriage, the more things he brought for me. He once took for a shopping spree in Dubai. (The experience was heavenly). Well, like the saying goes ‘nothing good lasts forever’ it finally dawned on me that I was in love with the wrong guy. This happened on my 35th birthday. As usual, he bought me a gift I could not refuse, a landed property in my name of course I took it.

After we had made wild, passionate love, I asked him again about his marriage plans for me. After taking a deep breath, he said he could not leave his wife because she was nursing a three-month old baby! I almost died of a heart attack. In fact I was on admission in a hospital for more than a week.

If I had to relive my life again, I would never fall in love with a married man ever again. They promise you things that are impossible. They use you and then dump you. They make love to you and they still sleep with their wives at home. I really learnt the hard way. I live with his lies and empty promises for years. Now I know better. No married man in his right frame of mind would leave his wife for any lady outside, no matter how pretty or how good in bed she is.

Mrs Phil Odogwu

My husband had an affair two years ago. I think all of your readers who are interested in married men should know a few things before they pursue these men. Married men do not tell their wives they are having an affair they might not even admit to themselves that they are.They are still having sex with their wives even if they are telling you that they aren’t.

They are still telling their wives that they love them, probably because they do. They have no intention of leaving their wives and family, they just like the extra attention that they are getting from these other women. They may feel bad about themselves for one reason or the other and they need an ego boost that these women are giving them. In their heart, they know who and what they really are, but it’s nice to have someone telling them what a great guy they are anyways.

When the affair is all over, they tell their wives that it didn’t mean anything and that they had no feeling towards this other woman, they may even blame her for the whole affair. There is nothing good that can come from dating or spending time with a married man.

Any moment of pleasure you may have with a married man could not possibly be worth the damage you are doing to yourself and a wife & family somewhere. Instead of having an affair with them, do everyone a favour and recommend that they go home to their wives. Encourage them to go for counselling and work on saving their marriage and saving everyone unnecessary pain and heartache.

Send all married men home to their wives and kids where they belong and go out and find  nice single men.

THE concept of female (and male) circumcision, as with many traditions, can be invisible until people are forced to examine it. This may explain why nearly half of Nigerians in one study gave as their reason for the practice, ‘it is the custom of our people’. A 36-year-old Ethiopian woman explained, ‘I had the foreskin of my clitoris removed as a baby, just like my brother…why does everyone say it is so terrible and that I should have problems from it?’ Circumcised female genitalia are considered normal to some Africans, just circumcised male genitalia are normal to Americans. As a 30 year –old Infibulated Somali woman explained, ‘ I want doctors to know that the way I look is normal for me’ a woman may desire circumcision to be marriageable, or chaste, for aesthetics, or to conform to tradition. Reasons for deeply rooted traditions are often difficult to articulate and therefore are easily discounted. Although many treat ritual female genital surgery as a singular process affecting millions of women, it is not a homogenous practice.

I am very sure you have heard so much about female circumcision. I am also very sure that you know the efforts individual corporate bodies, government agencies have fought to stop it. It is believed to be barbaric and unnecessary. What just comes to my mind as I write this piece is the fact that though female circumcision has been put to a ‘near-stop’ but what has been the fate of those that were initially victims of this act? How are they faring? Is it in any way affected their sexuality? If it has, as we are about to find out, are there corrective measures that could solve this uncomfortable situation these ladies find themselves in?

‘I know of some women that before you get them ‘in the mood you will need to touch and caress and kiss and fondle everywhere before they are ‘ready’ for you, you get? I also know of women who you don’t need much touch or caress before they are right in the mood. The white man has labelled the first set of women’ frigid’ while the second category of women is labelled sexually active’.

Have you ever wondered why lady A is frigid and lady B is active? Think you should. My late mum of blessed memory once told me that the reason female circumcision was ‘healthy’ or highly recommended in their time was because it was meant to curb promiscuity in women.

It was believed that when a female was not circumcised, she was bound to be wayward. I forgot to ask mama if there were researches conducted to back up such findings. A junior colleague of mine has once told me that if a man so much as touches her breast, that she will be ‘gone (don’t ask me where she will go to). Another colleague also told me how he had been married for about five years. ‘In those five years, he said, ‘my wife has never once initiated sex’. If I don’t make the move, she will just lie down there like a log of wood in bed.’ ‘Though I hate to admit it, I am almost regretting choosing her as my wife. The girl I dated before her was more romantic. ‘She initiates it when she is in the mood.’ This really got me thinking. Can it be remotely possible that his present wife may have been circumcised and as a result cannot really feel her sexuality due to her circumcision?

Ironically, however, studies show that circumcised women experience sexual arousal and orgasm as frequently as uncircumcised women. The researchers also find no difference in the frequency of intercourse or age of first sexual experience between the two groups of women. During the operation (circumcision), all or part of the clitoris and the labia are removed. Proponents of female circumcision claim it makes virginity at marriage and marital fidelity more likely. Those against it, condemn it as dangerous and painful.

Concerning circumcision and sexuality in women, the research findings of BJOG: an international journal of Obstetrics and Gynaecology shows that ‘female genital cutting cannot be justified by arguments that suggest, it reduces sexual activity in women. Well, I am not a researcher neither am I an expert on this, but I know one thing, I know women then can go months and years without a man’s touch and be very comfortable with it, because they don’t miss anything. I also know women that cannot stay three days with a man on the same bed without initiating ‘it’. The practice of female genital surgery is simultaneously complex and controversial. Circumcised women have an increased risk of infertility, in part due to chronic pelvic infections and obstruction to intercourse.

Although there are no controlled studies of the effect of female circumcision on sexual functioning, but a large percentage of clinicians assume that a woman will have diminished sexual sensation if her clitoris is removed. Someone argued that a woman circumcised before puberty learns her erotic response with whatever erogenous tissues she has left, such as her nipples. It may be true that most sexual activity happens in the brain, but the response of the brain depends on the quality of the instruments as well as the performance. So, it follows therefore that if for one reason or the other, you have a woman that is not easily stimulated, you need to do extra. Some are highly active, so there might be no need to do much, but, for the other group of women who are not easily…. There is to show some prowess, that way, you will be ensure that both of you will end up happy. With a good effort your woman can reach her ‘peak’ again and again.

THE cost of a new monitor was $140, and Chas didn’t have that much money. His parents’ solution was to come up with $140 worth of extra chores for Chas to do around the house to pay them back for the monitor.

“We know Chas broke the monitor accidentally, but he still needs to learn that in life, you can make some costly mistakes when you’re being careless,” Melodie says. She didn’t want to just “fix the problem” for Chas, as he wouldn’t have learned from his mistake. She figures that the next time Chas is with his friends, he’ll exert more self-discipline and not get into trouble. But most kids won’t learn to do that if they never have to “own up” to their mistakes.

7. Don’t let your children take the easy way out of challenges

Along the same line, you should require your children to finish projects they start, even if their endeavors get tough, tiring or mundane.

Suppose your son begs to sign up for football and then wants to quit after two weeks of practices. Perhaps your daughter signed up for French class but a week later she wants to drop it when she discovers how much the teacher expects students to work and achieve. For the most part, you should not let your children get out of these kinds of commitments (there are exceptions, of course).

If your kids committed to doing something, they need to follow through on that. You don’t want them to become quitters. Encourage them to finish the projects they start. In the process, they’ll develop perseverance and responsibility.

8. Involve your children in encouraging and helping others

Encourage your children to help others whenever they can. It’s amazing how helpful they can be to others just through simple acts of kindness, such as making get-well cards for people who are sick, befriending shy or new kids at school, opening the grocery store door for a mom pushing a stroller or making some small talk with the elderly lady sitting by herself at the park.

Try to motivate your children to do these kinds of things. Be on the lookout for people who might need help and lead your kids to reach out to them.

You might also want to get your children involved in a more formal type of service project. That might include visiting nursing homes, helping the local food bank with collecting donations of canned goods or getting involved in a community service organization.

This is not only a great way to serve others, but your children have the opportunity to develop and practice virtues such as generosity, kindness, compassion and respect. “They’re getting to experience first-hand what it’s like to help others,” Dr. Hill says, “and that’s very satisfying.”

9. Monitor television viewing and Internet use

When it comes to teaching your children values, there will be a lot less “unlearning” that needs to be done if you minimize their exposure to wrong ideas in the first place. Granted, you can’t shelter them from everything, but you can and should limit their exposure to television and the Internet.

Consider putting computers only in areas of your home where the whole family congregates together. “You don’t want your kids surfing the Web on a computer in their bedroom where you can’t see what they’re looking at,” Dr. Hill warns. If your children do have computers in their bedrooms, install parental controls so that they’re not going to sites you don’t want them to see.

•Source:www.ucg.org

•Continued Next Week