By Vera Chidi-Maha

There is a general misconception that for a woman to get to the top of her career, she must use what God has endowed her with or what people call bottom power. This is so wrong. The truth is you can take everything away from a woman, but never underestimate a woman’s determination.

When a woman wants to succeed, nobody can stop her. Have you ever seen a desperate woman looking for the fruit of the womb? I tell you, she will move God to give her the baby even if it is not His will! A woman can get to any length she desires to achieve what she is determined to get.

Below is a true life story of a woman that decided and actually succeeded against all odds: After I left my last place of work, I promised myself two things. First, I will not to be a small fish in a big ocean and second fiddle again. I decided that neither my gender nor the erroneous but common perception of career women will ever deter me.

So, when the opportunity came for me to occupy the position of Managing Director in Adreality Limited, I saw it as a chance to prove myself as a first-class career woman. Of course, I don’t expect you to believe that it was easy getting my husband’s consent, though he eventually succumbed.

What I did not expect was the total opposition of the management and staff to a female MD. Not that they cared much about my capabilities, their problem was my gender: the fact that I am a woman. My greatest support came from the Board of Directors, which was actually worried about the survival of the company, and whose members were very pleased to find in me a trustworthy and seemingly capable hand to manage the affairs of the company.

The chairman’s wife was another potential opposition, but I just refused to get personal with her, no room for anything else but business. The dissidents, as I call them, are my management team, the staff and the male chauvinists among us. Because I was fully aware that people generally resist change, I did not allow any distraction to make me lose focus. So, I decided to take all of them in my strove, the more they strife with me, the more I went about doing what I was employed to do. I am of the view that I can achieve what I put my mind to achieve. Gender, to me, has never and will never be a barrier. I practically moved the staff to work because I know it is the price for success.

The women in my office were not left out of this group. As a matter of fact, they were the leaders of the dissident group. We have only three of them, but they were enough to cause chaos if given the chance. My secretary, the chief protagonist, refused totally to understand and accept that a woman like here, in Africa, should be at the helm, other than in the ministry or somewhere else but in Adreality.

What does such a woman know? To her, it is not right, something is wrong somewhere. The present persistent rumour is that my humble self, the Managing Director of Adreality, is having an affair delves with my chairman. Why me? How did it come to this? Have they forgotten so soon that I am a married woman with kids? What is my sin? I can answer this question in one sentence, simple; I am a woman that is trying to succeed in a world where men failed.

How dare I attempt to aspire? There is no room to consider excellence, academic qualifications, not brilliance nor could success be deducted for making a woman an MD. She can only be seen as a harlot who got the job because of her wayward lifestyle. Of course, it is only men that have all the outstanding qualities of an MD.

You see, the absurd raffle draw that apportioned the destinies of Africa women: two people (male and female) starting off even as identical twins in the morning will quite easily find themselves in the evening, one as president dishing out instructions to the people and the other, the female, a house warmer or maid, jumping at the whims and caprices of the President.

I know I am not in the first list of women to be so achieved. As a matter of fact, I have read severally, of how women at the helm both young and old have been ceaselessly accused of sleeping their way to the top. Especially in show business, no one is believed to have gotten up there without one godfather or the other.

Sometime ago, there was a paid advert by a former top Nigerian official refuting allegations of the rumour of having affairs with somebody inside Aso Rock Villa. At that time, she was in her fifties. But for goodness sake, was the rumour intended to smear her reputation because she took the bold step of aspiring to an elite position? This is a woman that went through trials before the senators and successfully justified her position.

Ironically, women oftentimes are the reason for most of these attacks. We are very unfair to ourselves. Take my secretary for instance. To appreciate her role in all this, let me give you an insight into how we work. My chairman has closed for the day. As a matter of fact, my employment interview took place long after working hours, 7:30pm, to be precise so it has been the usual practice for me to stay behind after others had closed. And to make the job easier, I usually ask my secretary to wait behind also. Now, because my secretary is from the old school, I am planning to review their salaries upward, of course, and it will need a little bit of arm-twisting to get my chairman to approve it.

So, if it means sitting up with the chairman all night to defend this budget proposal, I will do it. And guess what? The secretary will not be staying behind with me; the last thing I need is a nosy secretary who would tip toe into the boardroom halfway through my presentation.

By Vera Chidi-Maha

Marriage is a very sensitive institution. In marriage, every little thing matters. From the way spouses welcome each other back home after a hard day’s job to the way they say good night. From the way wives and husbands address each other; to an issue as minute as thanking each other after a meal.

A man ought to shower his spouse with compliments, making her feel like a queen at times. In return, a woman should always treat her man as if he is the only man in the room; treating him like; ‘oh king! Live forever! Those little gestures go a long way to spicing a marriage. But the focus of this piece is on the deal way for couples to sleep; whether it is desirable for them to share the same bedroom.

Sharing the marital bedroom and sleeping on the conjugal bed is usually an important part of my idea for a perfect marriage. Ironically, however, things are fast changing because, according to a research finding, some couples who have healthy and loving marriages do not even share the same bedroom, yet they are happy.

A particular claim that the reason why they sleep better is because they share separate bedrooms, sharing a bed with someone who snores, has restless legs, brings work or food to bed and watches the TV till the early hours is difficult. To have a good night sleep is not only essential for a person’s well-being, but it can also reduce the daily tensions that a couple could find themselves enveloped in.

A person who has had a refreshing night sleep is ready to face the day in a good mood and cope easily with the everyday’s vicissitudes.

Another reason why couples sleep in separate bedrooms is that it affords them the privilege of breaking the routine. Having separate rooms allows the couple to be in need of each other, making the time together more enjoyable.

The scenario painted is that it should not just be a matter of a wife going to her spouse’s room for a ‘quickie’. No, it means the wife would start thinking about how to go about it; how to lure her partner to her room.

You prepare yourself for the encounter; you bathe, shave, cream, perfume; it becomes like a date where you want to look your best to leave a long-lasting impression.

Another surprising reason given by couples sleeping in separate bedrooms, according to the research finding, is that it gives them the opportunity to recover some of the freedom of being single.

They claim that having your own private space can make you recover your own self since you don’t need to think about the other person when you are there. (But is this not risky?) They also claim that having a private space at home could be very relaxing. Respecting each other’s taste and having the opportunity to decorate their own rooms to taste is also a form of love.  They also claim that having separate bedrooms makes them love each other the more. Staying in separate rooms has become to them a pleasure, not an obligation. You sleep with your partner because you want to.

However, sleeping in separate rooms leads to the disappearance of spontaneous sexual encounters. You should sleep in the same room with your partner whether he or she snores or not; that is why it is called marriage; it is a union, be reminded that it is ‘for better for worse’, besides, physical connection is very key in marriage.

Cuddles, touches, companionship etc. should come naturally and not only when one of the spouses feels for such. Sometimes, sleeping, separately could lead to problems in marriage. This can be the case when partners are avoiding spending time together or having different expectations.

According to Weiner-Davis, a marriage and family therapist and author of ‘The Sex Starved Marriage’, “if couples are sleeping apart all the time; it can create problems, if one person thinks that isn’t how a marriage should be, it’s a problem”.

Clinical psychologist, Dr. Joy Browne, says “Sleeping together is important because it is about being together as a couple, it is a statement of compromise and also gives one the chance to at least cuddle, and there is that closeness. Pepper Schwartz agrees that couples who find each other moving apart may have ‘a troubled relationship’. Generally speaking, married couples may find sleeping in separate beds or separate rooms an effective way to handle different sleep patterns, snoring or tending to young children. Partners must ensure that communication lines and intimacy are not negatively impacted by the separate sleeping arrangements. I encourage married couples to sleep together on same bed in same room. As a matter of fact, many marriage experts believe that sleeping together could keep a marriage healthy.

Couples should do whatever makes their relationships work. Some people like to sleep with the lights on wile some like to sleep with the lights off or at least a little dim, this is where the issue of compromise comes in.

For most couples who sleep apart; it is practical decision. They know they will never get to sleep with their partners in the bed due to snoring, restless legs or opposing schedules, many couples have submitted that rather than suffer through the effects of sleep deprivation, separate bedrooms allow them the opportunity to rest well.

In my growing up years, I saw my parents share the same bed all through. We lived in a three bedroom apartment; I never saw them or heard them suggest sleeping separately, no matter what. I concluded by asking again; is separate bedrooms for a husband and wife a good thing?

By Vera Chidi-Maha

When it comes to the issue concerning a man and a woman, the intrigues involved cannot be overemphasized. Especially when they are both romantically inclined a lot is really involved. They try to impress each other with everything within their reach. They try to look and act good just to get the other party to fall deeper and deeper in love. Then comes a time in the relationship when the man needs or wants to know how old the lady he is involves is really is. So he summons up the courage and asks ‘Baby@, how old are you? She hesitates a little thinking in her head” how old would be appropriate to tell this guy; or she thinks: “How old would he want me to be”; so she quickly responds oh; I am 30 or less depending on how old the guy is. I once read somewhere that. “a lady that can tell her age, can tell anything come to think of it, what has age got to do with anything. To me, you are as old as you feel!

It is because of the emphasis our men folk attach to our age that makes ladies to lie about their age every lady wants to win an ideal man depending on her taste. And if reducing the age will make some women win the men of their dreams, well…. Why not? Once upon a time, I read somewhere that Nancy Reagan, the former first lady of United States, once celebrated her 60th birthday when in actual fact she was 62 years old. I have a mischievous female friend who has celebrated her 35th birthday for the third time. Another female colleague of mine come September will be celebrating her 40th birthday when in fact she will be 44.

Well, guess why she reduced her age? She met and fell in love with a 45 year old divorcee who is proposing marriage to her. In order to keep him hooked she had to slice off four years from her age. Fortunately or unfortunately, it is working, for some reasons it is considered rude to ask a woman her age. Why should this be? I sometimes wonder. Surely age should not be such a big deal or should it? Clearly, for some women it is particularly for those who have reached their forties and fifties, and if they look younger than their years why would they want to admit to being older in a society which is obsessed with youthfulness? Women face a hard enough time as it is, since they are more likely to be discriminated against because of their gender, once you throw in age as well, then they could also be subject to ageism. This is a common problem faced by older women; studies have shown. So, it is hardly surprising that some will lie about their real age to make themselves appear younger than they are. In a situation where they are unable to get away with such a lie since they actually look their age, or may be even older, there are those who are prepared to take significant step to change their appearance so that they can look younger than they are. There are those women who were born with good genes according to Michelle Wilkinson, so that wrinkles and other tell-tale signs of age are not as much of a problem for them as for women who weren’t as lucky with genes they were given. Ultimately, however, limiting the signs of ageing depends on the kind of lifestyle a person leads. If you eat well, exercise regularly, avoid siting in the sun for too long, have never smoked and only drink alcohol in moderation, chances are you will look younger than a hardworking chain smoker. Women these days are prepared to spend a lot of money on cosmetic’s and anti-ageing products more out of hope that they will have an effect rather than actual belief they will work. Older women want to be as attractive as when they were younger so that they can still turn men’s head, particularly if they find themselves single as older women or lady. They dye their hair, shed some weight. If they can and apply various products to their face in an attempt to disguise their age and will even lie if necessary.

The isn’t enough for some women and there are those who spend money undergoing plastic surgery, from breast implantations to nose lifts, cheeks filled out, their lips pumped up and their wrinkles obliterated with the help of minimally invasive cosmetic procedures.

In a youth-obsessed world, older women are having to compete with their female counterparts; in terms of jobs and relationships; and some are prepared to use rather underhand measures to stay on top, which means hiding their real age.

The truth remains that it is a youth obsessed world here and our females are definitely playing their part.

By Vera Chidi-Maha

It is no secret that physical love is a primary need for men. If wives can contribute to their husbands’ happiness in the areas most dear to their hearts, they will have greater success in other areas that are crucial to their wellbeing.

It has been observed that more often than not, sexual relationship is a low priority in the minds of some women.

This, of course, has not been a deliberate thing. It is just that there are so many other things screaming for her attention, such as raising children, work, finances, home-keeping, emotional stress, exhaustion, sickness and so on.

In the wife’s juggling of her priorities, sex can end up at the bottom of her list. I sought to know from some wives the degrees they place their husbands’ needs for sex in marriage.

Joan Mordi (marriage counsellor)

For a wife, sex comes out of affection. She does not want to be affectionate with a man who makes her feel unsupported, overworked, hurt, lonely, angry and so on.

But for a husband, sex is purely a need. His eyes, brain and emotions get clouded if he doesn’t have that release. He has trouble bearing anything his wife says or seeing what she needs when that area of his being is neglected.

Wives sometimes have it backwards. They think they can have sex after they get other issues settled. But actually there is a far greater chance of settling the other issues if sex comes first.

In my eight years of counselling of couples, I have come to appreciate that sex should be given a very top priority in marriage; else, the marriage might be on its way down, God forbid.

Yetunde Osemiha (a grandma)

It is important to make sex  a matter of priority in one’s marriage. I have been married for over 30 years and I can authoritatively tell you this.

Whether all conditions are perfect or whether you feel like it or not, does not matter. The point is meeting the needs of your husband and keeping communications lines open.

A man can easily be made to feel insignificant, beaten down, discouraged, or worse still, tempted in this area of his being.

There is probably no better means of fulfilment for a man than this, and no area where he is more vulnerable than this also.

The truth of the matter is when you starve your husband of sex all the time, it will take the very special grace of God for him to remain faithful to you.

Most men tend to look for sexual satisfaction elsewhere. A wife should give to her husband whenever he wants it. It is wicked for a woman to hold back from her man.

There is no excuse to deny your husband sex, except in rare cases of monthly periods or illnesses, but any other excuse does not hold water at all.

Read Also: Is sex still a big deal amongst teenagers?

Bridget Osadeba

Sex should not be a top priority in marriage at all. Why should it be? There are more important issues in marriage than sex. The couple should plan for the future. They should consider ways of making extra income to make the family more comfortable instead of thinking about sex all the time.

The earlier part of our marriage was a bit about sex, sex and more sex, but two years later, the realities began to set in and we knew that all hands needed to be on deck or else, the family will go broke.

There should be time for everything. Time for sex, time for the kids, time for work, in what order they should be? I leave that to the couple concerned.

Oby Ifeanyi

Sex between a husband and his wife is God’s idea. Unless we are fasting and praying for weeks at a time, or are experiencing physical infirmity or separation, there is no excuse not to engage in it regularly.

The moment we are married, our bodies are not our own. We owe each other physical attention and we are not to deprive one another.

The frequency of sex depends on the other person’s needs not ours alone. When a husband is sexually satisfied, something is built up in the man and the marriage. When he is not sexually satisfied, something in him and the marriage diminishes.

You leave each other open for temptation and far more destruction than you can imagine. If your husband desires sex more frequently, pray to God to give you the grace to meet up with his demands.

Charity Nwaogalanya

As a wife, I would agree that sex is important in marriage. However, when children begin to come, it becomes the most difficult time to deal with the issue of sex.

Kids can hardly do anything for themselves, so by the time you give them their bath, feed and clothe them, at the end of the day, naturally, the only thing that will be in your mind is getting to sleep as soon as possible.

I want to say here that a good husband should appreciate and respect his wife when she is truly exhausted. Asking her to do anything else for that day, I will say is selfish.

Kiki Olopade

The importance of sex in marriage cannot be overemphasized. Bad things develop when the sexual part of a marriage is neglected. No husband or wife should let that happen.

Couples should not allow much time to go by without coming together physically.

It is important for wives to note that an important part of their ministry to their husbands is sexual. It should not be used as a weapon or a means of manipulation by giving and withholding it for selfish reason.

OYO State Governor, Seyi Makinde, and his siblings are presently morning the loss of their mother, Madam Abigail Makinde, who died on Thursday, October 15, at 81.

Although she lived a fulfilled life as she was caring to everyone around her, no child wishes to lose a mother, especially when the father had died years ago.

Read Also: Youths minister, Makinde meet over unrest

 

People who know the governor well always say he learnt giving and helping people from his mother. Although Madam Abigail was said to be a disciplinarian and a no-nonsense woman, she was a cheerful giver and was always ready to help.

Makinde’s mother, who retired as a telephone operator at the Oyo State Schools Board, Iyaganku, will be buried first week in December.

She was born and bred in Akure, though her father was from the defunct Bendel State while her mother was an indigene of Akure. She later relocated to Ibadan after her Modern School education.