VERA CHIDI-MAHA

 

LIFE as a mistress or the other woman generally is not fun all the way. Some ladies become secret lovers to their men not really by choice, but by chance.

For all you women out there that always have something negative to say about the mistress, please, don’t wait until you know what the situation is before you judge.

Speaking on this, a friend, who I will simply call Agatha, has this to say, “I am not a home breaker or a seductress. The man I am dating now has been married for 18 years. We have been in this relationship for two years. He fulfils a lot of obligations to his wife.

“I know he loves her and our relationship does not in any way distort or threaten his marriage. At my age, it is difficult to get a single man to date, and to keep myself happy, I have continued with this guy. He and I were best of friends before we became intimate. He is there for me.

“Most of my nights are cold and lonely because of his obligations to his family. He only sees me when he likes or when he has a misunderstanding with ‘madam.’ He would be at my place to cool off. For now, it is okay by me”.

Another lady, Funmi, spoke in a similar vein. “I am a lady who has been having an affair with a married man who is deeply in love with me. We met many years ago as good friends when I was 23. Then, I was married. I later broke up with my violent and abusive partner.

“I moved away and tried to rebuild my life. Years later, I heard through our mutual friend that this man still adored me. He married his wife because his family put pressure on him because she got pregnant in the course of dating.

“He always told anyone that cared to listen that I was the woman he would have loved to marry. He is very handsome and women loved to flock around him. Now that we are back together, that deep attraction is still there. My life as a mistress is lonely and very unfulfilling. Love making is great and that is the only benefit of the relationship I enjoy.

“I know he listens to me. He has promised that we might have a future together. I told him in the beginning that I would rather walk away than to hurt his family; and I mean it because his happiness is important to me. I am sure that soon, it will all be over.”

For Helen, the story is not much different. “Yes, I am dating a married man and I know the society does not agree with it, but I know why I’m doing it. I truly believe we are meant for each other, and I would stay in the relationship for as long as fate permits.

“He is my best friend, but fate does not want us to be husband and wife and life can be really unfair. I still have single male admirers and who knows. Maybe one day I will find someone else. But it has really been a bitter sweet relationship and I hope we can remain friends for life”.

Kate said: “There is no big deal about being the other woman. ‘Sometimes, it is heaven on earth and sometimes, it could really be hell. My man friend is every lady’s dream.

“The most memorable thing he did for me was when he bought me a detachable bungalow in the heart of Surulere and guesses what. He bought it in my name. The nightmare, however, started when his wife got to know about our relationship. She has since been threatening fire and brimstone.

“When her threats became unbearable, I had to put the house up for rent and I have since relocated to Ikeja. We still see from time to time. It’s not the best thing, but I have decided to stay on because half bread is better than none”.

Though Chi acknowledges the fact of her relationship to him, it does not necessarily have to end in marriage. “I would never compromise the children of a marriage, nor would I convince a straying husband into deserting his family. We mistresses don’t get the best part of the deal. We get the lies and false promises and in most cases, insecurity”.

Uche dated a man for more than six years before she eventually got married. “I was a mistress for well over six years, but thank God, today, I am somebody’s wife. I have many reasons to thank God. I am grateful to God because though the six years were fulfilling, but my guy’s marriage was threatened. God saved it.

“I would have lived to regret it. So, many times, I tried to call it off, but to no avail. He paid my fees throughout my university years. He was really nice to me and my family, but he was really possessive. He would not see me with any male friend or course mate.

“In my quiet moment, I used to pray that one day, an end must come to the affair. Don’t get me wrong. I really had a wonderful time, but as a woman with conscience, I became worried about his wife in my sober reflection. I used to wonder what she was going through since her husband spent practically all his spare time with me. Country, on a wife-hunting mission, and he consulted my sugar daddy who recommended me to his nephew.

“Thankfully, today we are married with a baby on the way. I say thankfully because my guy almost ruined the whole show. During my wedding, he could barely take his eyes off me, and when he gave us a car gift, he personally ensured he gave me the keys with a hug and a seductive wink at me which unfortunately my husband noticed. We argued about it for weeks before I was able to argue my way out of it. I have since kept my distance from my former guy because I don’t trust that we will be innocent when left alone”.

Kenny is now a born-again Christian and believes her past should stay that way. “I am now a born-again Christian. Whatever I did in the past belongs to the past. It is over. My affair with my married lover was not originally planned. You see, he did not tell me he was married initially. I was in a higher institution, while he was a senior lecturer in the school. Let me spare you the details of how we met, but it was really love at first sight.

“Unknown to me, his family was based in faraway Warri. It was on one of my usual home keeping chores that I stumbled on his wedding album. Again, I will spare you the details of how he explained it away with tears streaming down his eyes.

“What finally brought me to my senses was when I attended a vigil with some friends. As if the pastor was talking to me directly, he started preaching on the consequences of adultery. He went further to say that if you are a woman and you are living with a man that is not your husband, you should leave. Well the rest as they is history”.

Christy said she had been in both situations–the wife and the mistress. “As an adult, you are responsible for your actions. As a wife, it was very easy for me to become over emotional and be filled with hatred for the mistress to justify staying with my ex-husband who hurt me deeply. It is always easier to stay when someone else is to blame.

“Mistresses are the hidden ones. We are not treated the way men treat their wives. Since we have accepted to be mistresses and always staying in the shadows, it can be really lonely and frustrating”.

For Folake, being a mistress is such an easy role to play, if you understand the rules. “You get all the sweet, flirty romantic part. You have great sex, then they go away and you don’t have to deal with their bad moods or wash dirty socks and so on. Being a mistress is really fun for me”.

 

My comment

Ladies, as difficult as it is to keep that other woman away completely, there are things you can do. If you don’t want your man to cheat, never let him get bored. Always make yourself attractive.

The minute he realizes that you are putting effort into looking attractive all the time, that alone will keep him on his toes and his mind always on you.

It’s about a mental challenge. It may be a game, but it’s what needs to be done if you want to keep him from straying from home.

By Vera Chidi-Maha

According to research findings, many domestic violence victims refuse to speak up because they fear being judged and pressured by others.

Years back, a video of domestic violence by Ray Rice and NFL linebacker dragging his fiancee, Janay Palmer, out of an elevator went viral and subsequently, he was accused of domestic violence.

He was formerly charged. In a twisted turn of events, he and his fiancee got married. The very next day, the waves of outrage that followed caused NFL to scramble, interestingly to increase their punishment of Ray Rice and conduct an internal review of other domestic violence policies.

The wife organised a press conference in defence of her now husband, apologising for her role in the abuse. People in general questioned her sanity, wondering why she would stay with a man that knocked her unconscious and even dared to defend him.

O.J. Simpson, who had a legal history of physically abusing, stalking and making death threats towards Nicole Brown, his estranged wife, was arrested and charged with murder. He was acquitted of all charges, but was found liable for both the deaths of his late estranged wife and her boyfriend in a civil lawsuit in 1997.

In the letter that later surfaced after her death, Nicole Brown Simpson narrated the abuse and torment she faced in her husband’s hands. Yet, she stayed for so long until she could no longer bear it. Eventually, when she got the courage to live, he stalked, hunted and killed her in cold blood. Monster in a human skin, he thought his expensive lawyers could get him out so easily because of his juicy career. He eventually lost it all just because he couldn’t control his temper.

The very recent incident which inspired this piece is the story of Sylvester Ofori, the Ghanaian pastor who shot his wife to death after five years of covered domestic violence.

Ofori shot Tommey many times and immediately fled the scene. He was later arrested by detectives of the Orlando Police Department. Police said a warrant was served at the suspect’s apartment and Ofori taken into custody. “You can tell that she’s trying to get inside (the credit union). Unfortunately, he killed her,” Police Chief Orlando Rolon said.

Read Also: Role of trust in relationship?

 

The two survivors of domestic violence I know are Mrs E and Mrs O. One is my aunt and the other is my friend. The story of Mrs E is a case of inferiority complex on the part of her husband. He beat her up at the slightest provocation. He beat her for not cooking on time. He beat her for children making noise. He beat her for not opening the door on time whenever she got back from work. He beat her for any and every reason until she left the marriage and never looked back. He pleaded to get her back in tears on his knees. He brought his family members to beg too, but she never looked back. Today, she is a happy woman living with her children and grandchildren.

Mrs O’s husband began to beat her the moment he discovered she could not give him a male child after she had their third daughter. The beating continued until his female children began to graduate one after the other.

The first graduated and became a doctor, the second daughter became a lawyer and the third daughter is still in her 300 Level.

On the day of the doctor’s wedding, her father was very proud of her.

Today, my dear friend is happy being a single mother. She had chosen life over death. Problem is sometimes the society adds to the problems the victims are facing, especially in Nigeria. Victims are stigmatised and labelled prostitutes when women decide to leave their abusive partners and opt for single life.

There are so many other reasons victims remain in abusive relationships.

Distorted thoughts

Being controlled is traumatising and this leads to confusion, doubts and even self- blame. Perpetrators harass and accuse victims.  Some women even believe they deserve it. Some don’t believe verbal abuse is domestic violence because there are no scars.

Waiting to be a saviour

Some victims believe they can change perpetrators. Some stay on and die.

Fear

Some are just too scared to walk away. Too afraid to move on and leave the known for the unknown.

Children

So many victims stay because of their children. What happens to the kids?

Family expectations and experiences

People will make fun of you. My sister, run!

In conclusion, my counsel is stop trying to fix an abuser. Most of them will not stop once they start.

If you are in an abusive relationship, please run!

By Vera Chidi-Maha

Ideally marriages are for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, forsaking all other women or men. When I attend weddings and the reverend father or pastor as the case maybe gets to this part, tears have a way of streaming down my face for reasons I don’t even know. I don’t know if they are tears of joy, or pity because I know that if not for God’s grace, many break this vow even sooner than they know it.

But even at that, I still love weddings. Weddings bring people from diverse backgrounds and they suddenly become one big family. It is a unique thing, and I do encourage guys to “put a ring on it” (song by Beyonce Knowles), if you do find the one after your heart.

For the purpose of today’s piece, I will want to dwell on what happens after a wedding.

Of course, we know that there will be bills and more bills to be picked during and long after the wedding bells had stopped ringing.

The cat I am letting out of the bag today is about my colleague’s dear uncle.

Kate’s uncle, Remi (not real name), is a serving customs officer. He got married to his girlfriend of many years, Aunty Shade, who incidentally is also a serving customs official, although hers was at a more senior level than her husband’s. As a result of her status, she was given a tastefully furnished four-bedroom bungalow at Bode Thomas in the heart of Surulere, Lagos.

Uncle Remi, according to Kate, was in no way intimidated by his wife’s financial superiority. In fact, all he did was to try and complement her effort. They were quite happy living in the husband’s apartment of many years still in the outskirts of Surulere until the Nigerian Customs allocated a house to Aunty Shade.

Of course, the elevation at her place of work brought them happiness. It then came to the time when the key of her new home was officially handed over to her.

She thereafter took the keys straight to her husband and she said: “Honey, we are moving to our new home”. It was at that point that Uncle Remi became worried. Call it male chauvinism. Call it ego, if you like or even pride, but Uncle Remi was and always has been a typical African man and he never considered it a good thing to move into his wife’s apartment.

To him, the thought was simply ridiculous, in fact almost laughable, and he told his wife so without mincing words. Aunty Shade’s reaction was even worse after hearing her beloved husband. She took a very deep breath and burst into tears. But for the privacy of Uncle Remi’s office, she would cause a big scare that would have led to an office gossip for weeks.

When they got home, Uncle Remi tried to let her see things from his own perspective. He let her know that he was the man in this union and that it would make him feel dependent, if he was to vacate his home.

Aunty Shade would have none of it. She reasoned that the official accommodation was free and that the rent paid for their home could be used for other things. She saw no need for them as a couple to continue to pay rent when the government had made life better for them.

Trust women, when her husband continued to resist, she ran to family members to convince her husband to move in with her. After much pressure from family members, Uncle Remi finally swallowed his pride and moved into his wife’s new home.

A few years after moving in, things were very rosy. The wife was very sweet and became even more loving than she was when they first got married. Her true colour was shown when suddenly she started deciding when he came back from work, who visited and who should call before visiting.

The list of her atrocities was endless and when Uncle Remi could no longer tolerate her excesses, they resorted to verbal fights and then it degenerated to physical fights and then the worst happened.

Yes, she kicked him out of the house.  She kicked her dear husband of eight years out of her official quarters by 2am.

Although I am a woman and we do mess up sometimes, but I can’t even begin to think of kicking my maid out of the house by 8pm. It is not only wrong, but I feel it is criminal.  I am not generalising. We do have good women out there who will do more than accommodate their husbands and yet no one will even know about it.

I know of women who buy cars for their men.  They appear happy and love each other genuinely, regardless of who is picking whose bills.

I have read of men who tell anybody that cares to listen that their wives help them. It might not necessarily be financially. The support from the wives could even be moral like Obama’s wife, Michelle, did during her husband’s political campaign. She was always seen by his side, always smiling, her hand always in his. Whether we like it or not, her support and love contributed immensely to his being in the White House today.

So, what part are you playing in your man’s life?

Vera Chid-Maha

It happened on board an international flight. A man was flying abroad with his wife on vacation. It was time for refreshment, so an air hostess pulled up her trolley to where the couple were seated. Just as she was about to take their order, the male passenger quickly whispered to her ‘ssshh, my wife is sleeping’ Can anyone beat that? How many men in this day and age will pamper their wives that much? How many men will be that considerate? It is rare. The striking thing about the couple was that the hubby was much older than the wife. But I know in my heart that there are some men that fall into this category. Older men! Yes, older men. When I say this; I mean men that are older than their wives.

They are more caring; more attentive. These men pamper their wives more; reason is because their wives, to them, continue to be ever- young before their eyes. Don’t forget that beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholder. I have observed generally; I stand to be corrected though, most women feel safer in the hands of husbands that are older than them. The age gap could be two years or more. Generally speaking, the average woman craves for security.

According to research findings; younger women often enjoy the company of older men for a variety of reasons. A very common reason that many women turn to older men is that these men are more mature than the men of their own age. The truth is that women mature faster than the men of their age.

Women do not want to date a man who would rather spend time with her. This is not a problem with older men. As they have eyes for their women only; that is, when they are not too engrossed with their job. An older man waits up for his wife. They hold doors open for their women. She is considered a jewel for life. So, would you blame any woman for wanting them?

Apart from showering their wives with endless attention, men who are mature also tend to be more self-confident as they know themselves better, which is something that attracts younger women. Sexually speaking, older men are more experienced though they tend to have less  sex drive, but many women find that the lovemaking with an older man is completely fulfilling to them, as older men are better at listening to the needs of a younger woman than a man of their own age tends to be. Not being  driven by testosterone often makes older men better in bed than younger men, older men often view pleasure in a different light than younger men and are more concerned with the woman’s pleasure as opposed to their own. This makes them very appealing to younger women.

Older men tend to be more steadfast and stable and are generally more established and settled in their chosen careers than younger men. The security that comes from being financially viable and well established tends to draw younger women to older husbands. An older husband is no longer in college or struggling away at a low paying job but is secured and generally doing well at his profession, ideally. Women adore the chivalry that older men often show and they like the fact that older men have more respect for them and they are polite and have manners. Women like men who know how to be men. In today’s society, many young people are delaying growing. Some men want to be young permanently. You know, the ‘happy-go-lucky’ types?.

Most women want to be with men who are responsible and can stand on their own to feed and are able to support themselves and take care of themselves without their mother’s help. These and other reasons are why most women prefer to marry older men. This is not to say that younger men are out of the question. I feel it is also a thing of the mind. I know that out there, there are younger men that are mature in mind.

According to Marina Smiley, a relationship expert, she looked at other reasons why there is huge chemistry between younger women and older men. The reality is that sexual desire does not stop once a man reaches the age of fifty. There is a percentage of these men, who are looking for a life partner who is much younger than them; especially men that are trying to meet, then date, through the internet.

There is no doubt that the younger woman, on her part, always makes her partner feel younger. However, the reality check is this; with age a variety of physical and emotional changes happen to the human body. A fact of nature that has nothing to do with our wishes. Unfortunately, we cannot cheat nature, but that does not mean the sex drive disappears. What it does mean is that the approach to sex will often change.

The successful sex life of these couples is enhanced by the manner of approach. Successful couples have taken the time to learn the secrets and tricks that allows them to survive the difficult moments. If both partners really love each other, they will develop ways to please each other.

In doing so, they have to trust each other and share their problems and sexual desires, openly. ‘Older men tend to be more steadfast and stable and are generally more established and settled in their chosen careers than younger men. The security that comes from being financially viable and well established is traits then tend to draw younger women to older husbands’

Older  men need to understand that although they probably cannot maintain the same fast and furious pace as they did in their twenties, their life experiences should more than make up for the physical aspect of love making. Older men usually have more control over the physical and mental state of their being and a much greater knowledge of what elicits pleasure for a woman.

This ‘experience factor’ grants them the ability of understanding the female body to stimulate and satisfy a woman which in turn should culminate in prolonged sexual stimulation prior to orgasm. Like I always say on this column, ‘love is where you find it. If you find it in either a younger or an older man, then so be it.

Vera Chidi-Maha

 

A childhood friend of mine, Taiwo, is currently having huge accommodation issues. Not because she cannot afford to get any place of her choice, but because the selfish, self-conceited, self-centered landlords we have in this part of the world are giving her a particular condition that she must meet before becoming their tenant.

The condition she has been giving is not financial. Taiwo, being a big girl in her own rights, can financially afford any apartment of her choice. The condition is that she must produce a husband.

What on earth is the meaning of that? That a lady must be married before she can have a decent accommodation of her choice? Oh; so if there is no man or stable man in her life because we still have very unstable men around. The type that will date you for years, yet refuse to the knots with you. She should remain homeless? Or worse still, she should become a squatter in some friend’s apartment even though she can afford to have her own place?

Inasmuch as landlords should have the sole decision who their tenants should be, it is important that there should be laws checking things like this. The reason is that Taiwo is not alone in this. There are thousands of ladies out there who find themselves imaginary husbands. Some present their elder brothers, friends or even co-workers to act as their husbands just to enable them get accommodation.

The reason, according to a landlord I had a chat with, is that single ladies are dangerous to accommodate. They bring into the compound all sorts of men and there is the danger of bringing in armed robbers to the house.

A married woman, according to him, is more responsible. Her husband is there to keep a tab on her, but the single ladies are not held liable by anybody. She can leave the house when she likes and even take off for days on end without having to explain her movement to anybody which is not good. What if, God forbid, anything bad happens to her?

“What if she is kidnapped or something terrible happens, the police will naturally choose to harass the landlord. These and many more reasons are why I cannot give my apartment to any single lady, rich or poor”, he concluded.

In my opinion, the reasons given above are petty. How come houses are rented to our male counterparts without conditions? Is it a crime even in this computer age for one to be a woman? Or worse still, a single woman? Should woman now begin to force marriages on themselves in order to get a decent apartment?

I recall a recent incident that occurred in one of the outskirts of Lagos, when a lady was relocated by her office to resume at their Lagos office with immediate effect. Lagos, for her, was a new terrain, so she needed a chaperone to show her around the metropolis. Top on her to-do list was getting a decent accommodation for herself at least that would enable her find feet before looking at other factors.

Fine, the finance was made available by her company. So, it was not a problem of how much the rent was going to be, it was rather a question of where she chose to reside.

Unfortunately for her, the agents she contacted to help out with the accommodation told her conditions that she might face with the landlord. She was told that she had to look for a man at all costs and present him as her husband. It was only on those terms that she would be listened.

Another landlord gave an instance of when he gave accommodation to a single lady, recalling that time with bitterness. He said the lady on a number of occasions invited more than one man at a time and they ended up fighting each other. It did not stop there. It went further to become a police case and the scandal that followed was worse than imagined.

Initially, she ignored the counsel of the agents until she continually met brickwall with the landlords. When she got tired of squatting from one friend’s place to the other, she had no choice but to present her chaperone as her husband. She now has a decent place she lives in under the guise that she is a married woman.

I feel it is criminally wrong for things like this to still be happening. I feel that there should be a law in place to guide against things like this.

I know of so many single ladies today in Lagos who have come up with imaginary husbands, just so that the landlord will see them as ‘responsible’.

VERA CHIDI-MAHA

OH, weddings, weddings, weddings. I dare say I love weddings. No.

Saying I love weddings would be an understatement. I simply adore weddings. When I get wedding invitations, I just melt. You know, the thought of two very different people from very different backgrounds coming together to become one body is one union I have a lot of respect for.

On wedding days, I have made some observations. However, I have noticed over time that during the couple dance, the bride in most cases appears to be happier. She dances more and smiles more. She is oftentimes more relaxed than the groom. I really wonder why it is like that in most cases. Does it mean that women are happier that they are getting married than the men?

An example will suffice here. When Mr. and Mrs. Adefemi put off all existing and prospective suitors the moment she set her eyes on Adefemi. According to them, it was love at first sight. Their story was not like the regular. ‘Boy meets girl’ kind of love, it was more like ‘boy was made to meet girl’.

They met through a mutual friend who ‘match-made’ them. When a blind date was arranged for them at a restaurant, the chemistry between them was so thick; they were love struck and they simply could not get enough of each other’s company. Believe it or not for the eight months they dated, they saw and called each other every day for about eight months. So, it came as little or no surprise to their families and friends when they announced their wedding date. People were, of course, happy for them. It seemed the right thing to do considering how inseparable they had been for the months they dated. The only slight hitch they had was during the preparation for the traditional engagement ceremony. The bride price was so exorbitant that the prospective hubby almost had a change of heart.

According to him, the bride price was enough to buy him a choice property at Aja, a choice area of Lagos State. But hey, guess what, love conquered all, including the bride price. He managed to cough up the needed amount for the bride to become his wife. Initially, he had thought that since they had done a very loud traditional marriage by all standards, he felt that the wedding proper had to be low keyed. But his in-laws would have none of that. They had to maintain the same tempo or even a higher tempo to prove to their family members and neighbours that their son-in-law was a big catch. This did not go down well with him as he was fast running out of 40s. As the wedding plans progressed, the bills kept mounting, but again love conquered all. The bills were all eventually taken care of. And the wedding went as planned.

Since love is supposed to conquer all, then why was the groom not too enthusiastic on the dance floor when it was time to dance for joy? I am just curious.

The reverse was the case when Ethel, a top executive in an IT firm, took Tunde, a graphic artist as husband.

Yours truly was also fortunate to be invited to their wedding. When it got to my favourite part of the couple dance, I noticed Tunde, the groom, seemed more enthusiastic than Ethel, the bride. Tunde danced his heart out. In fact, he not only danced ‘legwalk’ and ‘shaku shaku’, but not minding the expensive suit and shoes he had on, he also danced ‘alanta’. Ethel, on the other hand, barely managed to move her body. She seemed lost in thought. I later found out from a close friend of Ethel that the bride had sponsored the whole wedding! From her bride price , the wedding hall and sponsoring Tunde’s parents and other family members to the venue of the wedding, and even down to Tunde’s wedding suit and his best man’s. She bought them all. You want to know why? I am so glad you asked. Ethel, by the standards of our society, has hitherto being labelled the proverbial ‘big girl’. She is a successful IT top executive like I earlier said and trust the men in our society, I mean the ones who are easily intimidated by successful and independent women, and they did not have the courage to make passes at her due to Ethel’s financial status. As a result she is in her early 40s but had no man to call her own.

According to her friend, the only man that had the courage to come her way were the married ones who wanted nothing but a fling with her. Not Ethel. She wanted more. She wanted a man that would be a hundred per cent hers.

As the years went by and she became more and more successful in her career, desperation to finding her own man set in. The eligible ones did not have the courage to make love overtures to her; they were not men enough for her. They were afraid that her successes could make her a controlling female and trust our men, they couldn’t handle it. Tunde, financially, was not too okay but he had balls, sorry, I mean he had guts. Yes, he had guts enough to walk up to Ethel with a bouquet of roses and asked her out on a date.

Ethel was too dazed and overwhelmed by his courage that she did not even hesitate to accept his offer. Tunde naturally chose the venue of their first date and guess what. He paid for everything and even mange to give her a thousand or two to fuel her car. To say that Ethel fell in love with Tunde would be putting it mildly. She was hooked. Anyway sha, one date led to another and then phone calls followed suit, sms and then the wedding.

In all fairness to Tunde, he never wanted to exploit Ethel in anyway by insisting on an expensive wedding. The entire thing was planned and executed by Ethel. They were both madly in love with each other and that was all that mattered. Or what do you think? Ethel as a big girl also had her image to protect. Perhaps, the reason why she was a little deep in thought when it was time to dance was the fact that the wedding preparations were taking its toll on her? Well, maybe, maybe not. But I wish both of them a blissful marriage.

Weddings are very special and divine. It should not be jumped into nor rushed. Weddings should take place based on the platform of love. It is the key. It does not matter who spends on what.

The reason is because the bride might sponsor the wedding today, who knows what the groom might sponsor tomorrow?

As for the couple dance, my belief is that wedding should ideally happen once in a lifetime, so when it is time to hit the dance floor, forget everything else and simply dance like never before.

By Vera Chidi-Maha

Oh, weddings, weddings, weddings. I dare say I love weddings. No.

Saying I love weddings would be an understatement. I simply adore weddings. When I get wedding invitations, I just melt. You know, the thought of two very different people from very different backgrounds coming together to become one body is one union I have a lot of respect for.

On wedding days, I have made some observations. However, I have noticed over time that during the couple dance, the bride in most cases appears to be happier. She dances more and smiles more. She is oftentimes more relaxed than the groom. I really wonder why it is like that in most cases. Does it mean that women are happier that they are getting married than the men?

An example will suffice here. When Mr. and Mrs. Adefemi put off all existing and prospective suitors the moment she set her eyes on Adefemi. According to them, it was love at first sight. Their story was not like the regular. ‘Boy meets girl’ kind of love, it was more like ‘boy was made to meet girl’.

They met through a mutual friend who ‘match-made’ them. When a blind date was arranged for them at a restaurant, the chemistry between them was so thick; they were love struck and they simply could not get enough of each other’s company. Believe it or not for the eight months they dated, they saw and called each other every day for about eight months. So, it came as little or no surprise to their families and friends when they announced their wedding date. People were, of course, happy for them. It seemed the right thing to do considering how inseparable they had been for the months they dated. The only slight hitch they had was during the preparation for the traditional engagement ceremony. The bride price was so exorbitant that the prospective hubby almost had a change of heart.

According to him, the bride price was enough to buy him a choice property at Aja, a choice area of Lagos State. But hey, guess what, love conquered all, including the bride price. He managed to cough up the needed amount for the bride to become his wife. Initially, he had thought that since they had done a very loud traditional marriage by all standards, he felt that the wedding proper had to be low keyed. But his in-laws would have none of that. They had to maintain the same tempo or even a higher tempo to prove to their family members and neighbours that their son-in-law was a big catch. This did not go down well with him as he was fast running out of 40s. As the wedding plans progressed, the bills kept mounting, but again love conquered all. The bills were all eventually taken care of. And the wedding went as planned.

Since love is supposed to conquer all, then why was the groom not too enthusiastic on the dance floor when it was time to dance for joy? I am just curious.

The reverse was the case when Ethel, a top executive in an IT firm, took Tunde, a graphic artist as husband.

Yours truly was also fortunate to be invited to their wedding. When it got to my favourite part of the couple dance, I noticed Tunde, the groom, seemed more enthusiastic than Ethel, the bride. Tunde danced his heart out. In fact, he not only danced ‘legwalk’ and ‘shaku shaku’, but not minding the expensive suit and shoes he had on, he also danced ‘alanta’. Ethel, on the other hand, barely managed to move her body. She seemed lost in thought. I later found out from a close friend of Ethel that the bride had sponsored the whole wedding! From her bride price , the wedding hall and sponsoring Tunde’s parents and other family members to the venue of the wedding, and even down to Tunde’s wedding suit and his best man’s. She bought them all. You want to know why? I am so glad you asked. Ethel, by the standards of our society, has hitherto being labelled the proverbial ‘big girl’. She is a successful IT top executive like I earlier said and trust the men in our society, I mean the ones who are easily intimidated by successful and independent women, and they did not have the courage to make passes at her due to Ethel’s financial status. As a result she is in her early 40s but had no man to call her own.

According to her friend, the only man that had the courage to come her way were the married ones who wanted nothing but a fling with her. Not Ethel. She wanted more. She wanted a man that would be a hundred per cent hers.

As the years went by and she became more and more successful in her career, desperation to finding her own man set in. The eligible ones did not have the courage to make love overtures to her; they were not men enough for her. They were afraid that her successes could make her a controlling female and trust our men, they couldn’t handle it. Tunde, financially, was not too okay but he had balls, sorry, I mean he had guts. Yes, he had guts enough to walk up to Ethel with a bouquet of roses and asked her out on a date.

Ethel was too dazed and overwhelmed by his courage that she did not even hesitate to accept his offer. Tunde naturally chose the venue of their first date and guess what. He paid for everything and even mange to give her a thousand or two to fuel her car. To say that Ethel fell in love with Tunde would be putting it mildly. She was hooked. Anyway sha, one date led to another and then phone calls followed suit, sms and then the wedding.

In all fairness to Tunde, he never wanted to exploit Ethel in anyway by insisting on an expensive wedding. The entire thing was planned and executed by Ethel. They were both madly in love with each other and that was all that mattered. Or what do you think? Ethel as a big girl also had her image to protect. Perhaps, the reason why she was a little deep in thought when it was time to dance was the fact that the wedding preparations were taking its toll on her? Well, maybe, maybe not. But I wish both of them a blissful marriage.

Weddings are very special and divine. It should not be jumped into nor rushed. Weddings should take place based on the platform of love. It is the key. It does not matter who spends on what.

The reason is because the bride might sponsor the wedding today, who knows what the groom might sponsor tomorrow?

As for the couple dance, my belief is that wedding should ideally happen once in a lifetime, so when it is time to hit the dance floor, forget everything else and simply dance like never before.

With Vera Chidi-Maha

 

 

BEFORE now, we grew up believing that love was blind.

You know, I still wonder where that phrase came from. Times are criminally changing. Things are not what they used to be anymore. We are told that in the good old days, two people fell in love with each other as long as the chemistry was right between them.

They met their parents and made their intentions known regardless of whether the man owned a car, a house or fat bank account.

I am afraid to say that those days are fast gone with the wind now. They are tales in the annals of history.

Using my country home as a case study (apologies to my kinsmen), people become so materialistic that when you ask for a girl’s hand in marriage, your would-be in-laws would want to know where your car is parked. Shameful! Isn’t it?

Some ladies have started to measure their fiancés’ success with that of those big boys who are said to have ‘arrived’. It becomes so bad that some of our eligible bachelors develop cold feet in coming for our girls’ hands in marriage. Because of the huge expectations, some of our guys are either looking for ways of making money at all costs or looking elsewhere and settle for non-indigenes. The consequences and impacts on our girls are disastrous.

Our place now has ladies in their late 20s and 30s still stuck in their fathers’ homes.

The question is this: Is it right to attach finance to romance?

When you find a partner you fancy, should your falling in love and establishing a good relationship with such an individual be determined by how much he has and the kind of car he drives? Or do you just love him for love’s sake?

I have met people who met their partners while they were still trying to find their feet, and years into their marriage, they stumbled into massive wealth. I am sure we have all read some rags-to-riches stories at one point of our lives or the other?

The saying, “No romance without finance,” has greatly tainted love. Most men with money are finding it difficult to really trust girls. These days, love has really become elusive and it is really hard to recognize the real thing.

Relationship is a serious business and it shows how a man can be when you are together in marriage. It is imperative to look at yourself as an individual and focus on what matters most to you. You need to be judged according to what your heart holds dear. If you truly meet and fall in love with the man of your dreams, you know, the man that makes your heart skip a bit each time he walks into the room, will you dump him for money? “No romance without finance” is s phrase that is so popular. It shows how materialistic today’s society has become. Love is being measured in terms of money and material things. Love and money have a very close association. In fact, romance, these days, is being sold by some people.

However, this will depend on how we see romance. Do we see it as a good time leading to sexual pleasure, or do we see it as a means of exchanging our bodies for money?

Unfortunately, this is very common with some of us ladies of today. If a man is not financially able to pick a few bills, there will be no love to speak about. Has society become misguided or are we just being realistic? These are questions we must answer as individuals.

Come to think of it, have we even wondered why ladies have suddenly started to attach finance to romance? Some have argued that if you take the pains to labour with a man till he becomes financially stable, chances are that he will look for another woman thereafter. Some believe that even when the man is responsible enough to remain with you, he naturally becomes wayward simply because he feels he can afford to.

‘Romance without finance’ emanates from the need to insist on responsibility. Many young men today have put the issue of responsibility in the back seat. For some ladies to feel secure, the man must appear to take up the role of being a man and pick a few bills.

When a man does this, he will be qualified to be labelled promising with regard to life in a fair setting.

On the other hand, there are still women out there who will help put a man when he is down. Some of these women have their careers and are not looking for a man to look after them financially. What they simply want from a man is respect, trust, honesty and above all, companionship.

As millennium ladies, I think we all should strive to reach some level of independence in our lives because, really, a woman that relies heavily on a man to take care of her is not only unattractive but outright ridiculous.

Mind you, there is nothing wrong with guys pampering us a bit, as often as they can afford it, but it becomes a little crazy when the emphasis is on me, it sets the stage for a disastrous relationship.

Although I am a lady, I would never encourage any guy to stay in a relationship with a gold digger. Instead of placing too much emphasis on materialistic things to the point where they lose sight of their true identity and potential as an individual, we should focus on getting to know a guy for whom he really is.

The best thing is to look for the real thing not just the finances. However, if your goal is to be stable financially, you might have to go for what you are looking for.

Having sex for money is prostitution. If a woman is with a man on the sole basis of money, then I am sorry, she is a whore. Women should be independent; they should not depend on men for money. The days when men picked all the bills, went out hunting while the woman stayed at home, are long over.

Listen to me ladies, focus on your education, get a good job or learn a good trade. There are many options open to you. If your man chooses to pick your bills, it is fine, but it is not right to be a liability. Some men prefer us if we meet them halfway,  you get?

In conclusion, here is a food for thought: Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it.