The Nation Newspaper

Category: Feminique

  • Sex issues that can destroy your relationship

    Sex issues that can destroy your relationship

    By Vera Chidi Maha

    As far back as I started having relationships, from my experience, the issue of sex always causes crisis, from selecting a good boyfriend to a good husband, from a good girlfriend to a good wife.  Sometimes even when you select a good girlfriend, she may end up being a bad wife or vice versa. To be honest, not everything in life can be predicted as no one knows tomorrow only God.

    Sexual problems on any individual can put a damper on your sex life which means they can lead to some “not so pleasant” relationship issues, especially if they go unaddressed. Yepa!

    So, what can we consider to be “sexual problems?” Well, from my small girl’s knowledge, sexual problems, also referred to as sexual dysfunctions, are issues that arise before, during, or even after sexual activity. These problems can occur during any stage of the sexual response cycle, preventing you and your partner from receiving the “gim gim” sexual fulfilment you crave, during foreplay and/or sex that will make your eyes shine like electric bulb that doesn’t need NEPA.

    Unfortunately, however, most of us are reluctant to talk about these types of “issues” for fear of being judged or seen as sex addicts. Not surprising that even when you become an adult in our society saying the word sex is almost forbidden giving people the impression you are either loose, lack home training or sex-starved person.

    Well, good news is that most sexual problems can be successfully treated which explains why it is so important to discuss your concerns with your partner. Please, don’t keep quiet about it because that silence alone can cause damage, ignoring or pushing sexual issues aside can lead your relationship down a very rocky path and final destruction.

    If your partner is the type to “run away” from talking about sexual concerns with you, you can try to read these words below and talk to your partner if per chance they are experiencing one or more of them. I didn’t say ask every second, use sense, but still ensure you have the discussion to help your relationship grow.

    Sexual problems that could destroy your relationship

    1. Unable to have an orgasm

    I know some people would be hissing reading this by now, orgasm? How dare she talk about it?  Well unfortunately, we can’t keep running away from it.

    To some, orgasm does not even exist. They don’t even know what it means talk less of experiencing it. Being unable to orgasm can undoubtedly wreak havoc on your sex life and relationship. This condition can affect anyone, young or old. I read somewhere that it gradually decreases once women hit their 30s and 40s; however, it rises again when women hit their 50s due to hormonal changes.

    One of the possible causes of this condition is that women have more casual sex during their 20s, which may account for the lower incidences of orgasms.

    Other reasons you may not be orgasming include not being sexually attracted to your partner anymore, overthinking about orgasming during sex, feeling guilty for enjoying sex, and/or having other things on your mind during sex. This, I agree to and I have observed from my talks with other people.

    Or, it could be that your partner is “too aggressive,” during sex, in other words your partner likes to do gragra in bed too much. Regardless, an inability to orgasm can hurt your relationship because everyone wants their partners to feel sexually satisfied, so if that isn’t happening, it can create problems in your relationship. There are ways you can address this issue. You can discuss with your partner the possible options to use to make life easier for you both.  There are lots of options to explore. Feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment can arise, causing the couple to grow apart. So once you notice there is a problem, get up and fix it.

    1. Experiencing premature ejaculation

    Premature ejaculation refers to ejaculation (the release of semen from the body) that occurs before penetration or immediately after it – within one minute or less.

    The exact cause of premature ejaculation varies, but the good news is that in most cases, premature ejaculation can be fixed. Men report this as one of their top sexual performance issues. How is it even possible not to be aware of your partner’s problem with premature ejaculation? It is possible to miss the signs, primarily because men with this issue often enter into relationships with women who have little-to-no previous sexual experience.

    Why is that? Well, these men feel more comfortable with novice sexual partners who are unaware that they are experiencing premature ejaculation issues. Ironically, inexperienced women often find out their partners are suffering from it, not at the beginning of their relationships, but after dating for months or years or getting married.

    If you are curious if your partner is experiencing premature ejaculation, ask yourself the following questions: “Does my partner ‘last’ as long as I would like him to?” And, “How long does it take him to orgasm?”

    If the answer to the second question is “less than one minute,” then your partner may actually be suffering from premature ejaculation.

    1. Experiencing low libido

    Another common sex problem that affects both men and women is a low libido.

    What causes low libido?

    For a man, low testosterone, the hormone responsible for male traits (i.e. pubic, facial and body hair, deep voice and muscle tone) can cause a low sex drive. Testosterone also controls a man’s sexual desire and sperm production, so when it is low, it can not only negatively affect his libido but also prevent him from getting and staying hard.

    For women, low libido may stem from a hormonal imbalance, past sexual trauma, stress and so on.

    How can this affect your relationship? Well, it can cause your partner to avoid sex with you or you with him, which can lead to hurt feelings, low self-esteem, resentment, hostility and indifference towards your partner and the relationship.

    The end result: The end of your relationship. May God help us.

    1. Experiencing painful sex

    Painful sex can also damage a good relationship. How? Well, when sex is painful, you are more likely to avoid it.

    Women, who experience painful sex, tend to shy away from sexual activities with their partners. They may think it’s no big deal, but in reality, it can cause a myriad of relationship issues.

    If you withhold sex, for fear of pain, without talking to your partner about it, it can lead to hurt feelings and hostility from your partner. The truth is sex shouldn’t be painful, but it is a common issue.

    Having sex problems in relationships is normal. It occurs more often than you may think for many people. Keeping these issues to yourself only does more harm than good; therefore, it’s important to be open and honest with your partner about any sexual problems you are experiencing and check into a hospital or get a counsellor to help you sort things out. I wish you all the best.

  • Between love and lust

    Between love and lust

    With Vera Chidi-Maha

     

    KEEPING safe is no longer news. We all hopefully know what to do to avoid danger. So we sanitize our hands and observe personal hygiene.

    However, no one is talking about cleaning and sanitizing our dear hearts.

    No one is recommending any sanitizer to help protect our hearts from heartache and heartbreak.

    Okay, so, here is the thing. If the government is not putting that into consideration, I think we should do it ourselves.

    Thankfully, the physical lockdown of movement is gradually easing, but the initial total lockdown has left in its wake lots and lots of heartbreaks and aches.

    People saw so much of each other. People were forced to make more friends than they did when we were operating under a normal condition.

    Following closure of schools, sex has become a thing with available persons. No wonder the increase in reported rape cases! Sad but true.

    So many now mistake lust, infatuation for love.

    Ironically, many of us do not even know the difference.

    So many people have severally inboxed me asking to know the difference.

    The difference between love and lust is like night and day.

    Lust tends to be more shortlived and more about immediate gratification.  It is an intense feeling and it happens when you are attracted to a guy or girl’s appearance or attracted to them sexually.

    The duration, according to a psychologist, Dorothy Tennov, in her research found that the duration typically lasts at most “between approximately 18 months and 3 years”

    Now, there are signs we should look out for in order to clearly distinguish between lust and love.

    * You put him/her on a pedestal.

    *It is going too fast.

    *You always flirt.

    *You are not yourself.

    *Lust overpowers other emotions.

    * You become desperate.

    * You want everything to be perfect.

    Now, here is the real deal. Love.

    According to research findings, love is a deep feeling of affection that you have for the other person.  It is a lasting attraction that goes beyond the surface and turns emotional attachment.

    Lust on the other hand is basically a physical attraction that leads to an overwhelming feeling of sexual desire, thanks to a rush of hormones.

    Infatuation might not be so bad, right? After all, we only live once?

    I will give a very subtle reason why infatuation can be oh, so bad.

    When someone intoxicated you, it is like being drunk, and in so many ways, this is dangerous.  It is a feeling that totally blinds you to reality.  Trust me, when it comes to matters of the heart, you really will need your head.

    Your head alerts and allows you to see the proverbial red flags.

    Yes, go ahead, take chances but I will encourage you to “shine” your eyes.

    #staysafe

  • Are all men potential rapists?

    Are all men potential rapists?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    No doubt in my mind we all know that rape is the crime of forcing someone to have sex especially by using violence. Incredibly, the act of rape from a man to a woman is steadily on the increase, research has shown. It is not only a Nigerian thing but a global phenomenon. The British crime survey estimates that 47,000 rapes occur each year yet sadly, the numbers continue to rise. Back home here in Nigeria, the statistics might not be so accurate. The reason is not farfetched; in this part of the world, the society attaches stigma to a lady who is bold enough to go to court and report a case of rape. Though I am open for correction, but the worst part of the scenario is that some of our men folk often put the whole blame on women.

    Okay, take this;

    Act one, scene one, a man asks a lady out for a drink or two, she turns him down. He becomes persistent, she finally says “yes’ why not”? He takes her out; he asks her out again on a lunch date; she says to herself;” oh, he’s so sweet; and again why not a harmless lunch date. So they do lunch. Then he goes further, calls her up yet again, asks her out on a dinner date; she thinks to herself: “What’s a harmless dinner date; with this “ gentleman” “after all, he’s been so patient and sweet; then she does a dinner date with him. On her way home; he gets her a cab and gives her a few thousands of naira for her “recharge card”.

    Act one, scene two

    He thinks to himself (believe me, this is the thought of the typical average “Nigerian man”) ah; I have spent a lot on this babe, it is payback time! I have invested; it is time for me to reap from my investment. So he calls her up again and offers an encore of a lunch date. She thinks to herself, “this guy appears sweet and nice, but he is not really my type’ so, she turns him down. He sends her ceaseless and countless text messages professing his undying love for her. He meets a brickwall. He intensifies his effort; he vows to himself; I will not lose this babe, I must not lose this babe. (we all know his motive is certainly not love, it is not even obsession for her, it is simply that rejection of his overture will not be acceptable to him; not after spending…) so, he continues to woo her; sends her flowers and teddy bears. Her resistance begins to gradually crumble; and then she thinks to herself (this thought process is also typical of some average Nigerian ladies) “this guy has tried; I feel sorry for him, I don’t see why I can’t be friends with him on a platonic level.

    Act one, scene three

    He attempts again to ask her out on a dinner date; this time around he becomes more daring though in a subtle manner; he offers to cook her dinner at his apartment. “I have never cooked for a woman before” he says. So, after a brief thought; she feels; oh, he is so sweet and generous; I am sure a harmless dinner cannot go wrong. “So, she gets dressed up, arms herself with the address he sent to her in box and found her way to his doorstep, then presses the doorbell. He opens up the door, obviously delighted that tonight; will be the night that he takes his long awaited… (Please, readers do fill in the blanks). He ushers her in, the room is cozy, everything is in place, the light is dim and romantic; there was candle light on the table, soft music was coming from another corner of the room. He makes her comfortable; offers her a glass of red wine; while she is sipping, he dashes to the kitchen, gets the dinner ready. They have dinner; “Hmmm, this is really nice, she complements; and things for a couple of minutes goes as planned. After dinner, she offers to help with the dishes, he politely turns her down; deep down he is thinking “don’t worry, we are going on to bigger and better things”.

    He comes out from the kitchen, sits right next to her on the comfortable sofa. His sitting position becomes a little uncomfortable for her, so she moves slightly away; he moves closer, she moves further away, at his third attempt to move closer again she suddenly gets up and announces she is leaving. “Thank you very much, she says, I have had a wonderful time; you are indeed a fine cook; but I would like to take my leave now”. He says to her, “why would you want to leave now; the night is still young. At her insistence on leaving, he surprisingly drops his gentleman act; and forces her back to the sofa; she attempts to get up; she can’t because he is too strong for her, he forces a kiss on her lips; she moves her hands behind her. At this point she knows, this is the right time to panic. She manages to say “no” “no” to him, “no” means “yes”.

    He continues to fondle her; his hands and mouth begin to go everywhere, her clothes are up, she is scared, she tries to scream but all she could mutter is a quiet “no” she knows he is much stronger than she is; he reaches for her pants, she struggles, he gets angrier and more aggressive by the minutes, he tears her underpants…hot tears stream down her face, this is a nightmare she thinks. She prays, to wake up. He forcibly enters her deeper and deeper. It hurts her, she stops struggling knowing that this was a lost battle. It was a long agonizing and worst moment of her life. He gets up, tells her to clean herself up and leave! To him, the monstrous mission is accomplished. She gets into the still quiet night to the comfort of her apartment. She takes her bath, still feeling pains all over her body; she quietly climbs into her warm, waiting bed and cries herself to sleep. Days after the rape incident, she has refused to sue him, for fear of being stigmatized by the public and society at large. She still lives with the bitter experience till date.

    This is not the first evidence I have that suggests that rape might be a crime of opportunity as much as of impulse. According to research; back in the 1970’s and early 80’s, a number of highly controversial psychological projects sprang up at colleges in the United State, analysing male attitudes to rape. Half of a group of high school males, for instance, said they believed it is acceptable “for a guy to hold a girl down and force her to have sexual intercourse “if he found her sexually attractive. In a survey of 7,000 men, conducted by Shere Hite, 46 per cent responded in the affirmative to the question, “Have you ever wanted to rape a woman”

    Arguably, the most distressing statistics came from a study conducted at the University of California in 1980. A group of men was read a story in which a woman politely refuses a man’s offer of a lift home. Enraged by this perceived rejection, the man holds a knife to her throat and proceeds to full intercourse, the victim protesting wildly throughout the attack. Asked whether they might behave similarly, 17 per cent of respondents said yes, while 51 per cent agreed there was some likelihood that they would but only if they could be sure they would get away with it. The results of this study, and many others like it, are enough to make us ponder on our view on rape, even in this part of the world.

    What is both interesting and shocking is that the act of rape is not limited to single or people that are not officially a couple. I have recently been told in person that rape is even present in some marriages! Yes, it’s true.

    Act two, scene one

    Bolaji and Theresa have been married for eight years. They love each other. they have kids and live in a dream home. Theirs is what one would call the ideal home and the ideal family. That is when you look at them from the outside.

    The problem is things are not always what they seem. Unknown to many, their marriages have been sexless for over eight months.

    Act two, scene two

    Theresa for over eight months has been punishing Bolaji, her husband of eight years for cheating on her with their maid. Through the eight months, Bolaji will plead almost every night for sex, while the wife will turn the other way, and all were always in place. Then one night, Bolaji could not take it anymore; he had done all he could to get his wife to forgive him. He decided enough was enough. Before they had these issues; they were always inseparable in bed. This fateful night, Bolaji, at first, attempted to plead to his wife for sex, as she prepared to turn him down again, he did the worst. He forced himself on her, tore her underpants and the rest, as they say, is… yes, history.

    The good news is this, change is possible. There are a million and one way, to win us without using force. You know women need to be pampered, and loved. No matter how bad or resistant we might be; please remain yourself. Do not allow any woman bring out the worst in you, or turn you to a rapist.

  • Should working mothers feel guilty?

    Should working mothers feel guilty?

    Vera Chidi-Maha

     

    Sweet mother,
    I no go forget you;
    For dis suffer wey you
    Suffer for me eh
    If I no sleep, my
    Mother no go sleep;
    If I no chop, my
    Mother no go chop;
    She no dey tire eh;
    Sweet mother ah ah
    Sweet mother eeh

     

    AS this evergreen vintage song filtered through the radio into my tired ears as I drove home on Friday night, a colleague who was riding in the car with me made an off the cut but genuine comment. That comment upset me greatly. He said this song by Nico Mbaga only addressed yesterday’s mothers. He said today’s mothers are too business inclined to have time for their children. Women these days, he added, have no time for their children. Women these days, he added, have no conscience because they are too money conscious. Honestly, if not for the fear of God, I would have dropped him off right in the middle of nowhere so he would have had to trek home! To say I was angry is an understatement. I was livid. I mean, with the harsh economic conditions of these times; do we expect the income to come from only the man? It is not possible. The fact that most mothers of nowadays are more career minded is not for selfish reasons. Far from it.

    For me, the saying that after the love of God Almighty to mankind, the second greatest kind of love is the love of mother to her child subsists also today. In my opinion, nothing has changed. The mother’s love is constant. Nothing can change it. No mother is happy to stay hours away from her babies; but duty calls. The challenge working mothers face, unknown to many, is the feeling of guilt that sets in. no matter how fat a mother’s bank account is; it cannot be compared to the time she spends with her child or children.

    Guilt. It can come without warning; suddenly you feel as if you have been punched in the stomach. Most working mothers feel guilty at one time or another. They may be running late for a parents Teachers Association’s meeting and interprete the look on the faces of other parents as a condemnation for coming late because they feel the P. T. A meeting should be important enough to attract on time attendance. Guilt may also come after a comment from your child, ”But mummy, must you go to work today too? Other people’s mummies are already around! Or ”Mummy, why are you buying me meat pie to take to school when Jide’s mummy makes him Jollof rice or beans and fried plaintain”!

    As working mothers, it is important to feel comfortable with your decisions to be working. Too many times, however, working mothers feel they need to defend their choice. Working mother and the society have to address the ongoing debate. Some people feel that by working, mothers are taking something valuable away from their children’s time while others feel that working mothers really give more to children. They provide them a sense of pride and accomplishment in addition to being a role model. Each family situation is different, what may work for the family down the street, may not be the best for your family. And so, comparing your situation to theirs is like comparing apples to oranges.  Studies have shown that there is no developmental problems in children whose mother worked outside the home. The studies further show that though ”the mother is an important source of care then, but she does not have to be there 24 hours a day to build a strong relationship with her child.”

    Below are some of the key points the studies show:

    Development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home

    A mother’s personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting is more important than the amount of time spent with their children.

    Working mothers spend more time with their children on their days off work.

    Working mothers spend less time on household chores and leisure activities.

    There were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

    An earlier study also concludes that a ”mother’s employment outside the home has no significant negative effect on her children. According to this study:

    When mother’s worked long hours, there were small differences in testing for vocabulary and individual student achievement, however these differences disappear overtime.

    Children whose mothers returned to work when they were three to four years old, instead of as infants showed a high rate of compliance with authority. However, this too disappeared over time and later showed no differences.

    There was no significant negative impact on children when mothers worked outside the home.

    The result of these two studies can help relieve the guilt that many working mothers feel. Their children will thrive based not on how much time they spend together, but on the quality of time spent together. Mothers that are comfortable with their decisions, are confident in their abilities, and provide loving and nurturing homes have the best chance of raising well – adjusted children, whether they work outside the home or stay at home.

    If one balances out the exceptionally good mothers, the ordinary mothers and the exceptionally bad mothers; then probably on balance, having a working mother does not significantly impact children at a cognitive or behavioral level in general. Unfortunately, it is not just the time spent away from the children that is of significance, it is the quality of the energy drain from working that probably most impacts children. For most mothers today, working full time is not a choice, it is a requirement, as it is for fathers. And mothers who work full time or more will find that they have slaved away in order to provide a certain lifestyle and have produced children who feel little need to visit their mothers as they move on to adulthood because that closeness of connection is just not there. The summary of this piece is that there should be a balance in whatever we do.

  • Are you a bitter or better worker?

    Are you a bitter or better worker?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    The workplace today is filled with many dissatisfied and bitter workers; some feel that they deserve more in terms of financial remunerations for the hours they put in at work. True, every workman is worthy of his hire. But why would your employer think you don’t deserve more than you are getting? It has been said personal income does not exceed personal development. So, it might not be employer’s fault. You may simply be getting your state of development’s worth so says a theory. It therefore means that workers that lack development will keep on receiving a certain pay check each month or may even be asked to withdraw their services.

    According to Mrs. Kemi Olugade, an office assistant that rose to a managerial position in the same organisation. There is need for personal development, if a person desires more from life and even more from his or her employer. She went on to talk about steps she took before she rose to where she is now, and hopefully, she is still climbing all the way to the top. What is personal development, what has “Who I am” or “Who I must become” got to do with my work? What new things do I need to add to my person to increase my worth at work and consequently my pay? Let’s answer these questions one after the other.

    Personal development means to grow bigger, stronger and better, that is, to move from one good phase to another. To become better is to “start to have a skill, ability, quality, that become better and stronger. Is it not logical that when you advance as a person that your pay checks will be affected? To advance is to have forward movement. Those that are stagnant cannot experience new financial status. Personal and career developments go together, many companies are in search of skilled and advanced managers. If you can help your company declare huge profits, what makes you think they won’t let you have some of the profits? The million naira question is, are you developed enough to be capable for that big position that carries a BIG wage.

    Jim John in “Seven strategies for wealth and happiness, says, “The only way it gets better for you is when you get better. Better is not something you become”. Advancement comes through acquisition, that is, “to gain something by your own efforts, ability or behaviour or “to obtain something by buying or being given it”.

    John Mason says,  too many people literally unplug their clocks at a certain point in time and stay at that fixed moment the rest of their lives. We have to start reading and learning if we are not already doing so. Personal development is more or mental thing. The man or woman that is your boss is no more humane than you are. Your boss is only better than you mentally. Knowledge and skill make him better. The top is always for the better and not the bitter person.

    John Maxwell says, “The person who knows how will always have a job, but the person who knows why, will always be the boss”. Why should you remain the same and desire a new wage? Improve yourself, get more qualifications, become advanced. Don’t sleep your way to the top, grow your way to the top. If you must stop being bitter in your workplace, become better. The second question, what has got to do my work? You are the only one to readily say who you are based on your mental attitudes; who you are cannot be separated from what you are at work. There are some responsibilities that your employer will be scared to pass to you. Perhaps you appear two weak, fearful, timid or disorganised to be saddled with crucial duties at work. So, who you are can restrain you from being elevated for a pay rise.

    Many potentially gifted leaders have stopped short of the payment line and found out that short cuts don’t pay off in the long run. So, its not only your qualifications that help you get and keep a job, it is your attitude: who you are, what you are and how you work can either take you up or send you down and even out of the workplace. The third question, what new things do I need to add to my person to increase my worth at work and consequently my pay? John Mason answers by saying, “you cannot become what you are destined to be by remaining where you are. When you change yourself, opportunities will charge. Where do you want to reach on your job? This is the question that will determine your new additives. Slandering, gossiping, slothfulness and bitterness may profit you as a junior worker but if your desire is to be a boss with new challenges and pay rise you must change.

    Which group of workers are you in at the moment? The better or the bitter? Until you are better, you lack job security, change your mental attitudes so that your actions can change.

    New opportunities await a changed you. Get ready for a brighter rewarding future, especially with the relief of the lockdown.

    Stay safe.

  • Would you attend your ex-lover’s wedding?

    Would you attend your ex-lover’s wedding?

    VERA CHIDI-MAHA

     

    Just before the Covid-19 saga and subsequent lockdown, Priscillia got married to her sweetheart, Ben. The wedding was quite an elaborate one; this was expected considering Ben’s very wealthy background. People of class were in attendance.

    The car park was filled to the brim with choice cars, telling us in more ways than one the calibre of attendees at the wedding. Everyone was gaily dressed to suit the occasion.

    Assorted food and drinks were on offer. It was Priscilla’s and Ben’s day. It followed that everyone should rejoice with them, their parents, friends and naturally their relations.

    Of all the attendees, James was exceptional. He was in the midst of it all; in a world of his own. He felt empty. He blamed himself for attending Priscilla’s wedding.

    Never did he think she would be marrying another person. She was his love. They dated for seven years. It got to a point in their relationship when Priscilla began to feel her biological clock was beginning to tick. She wanted to settle down and have babies, build a home with James.

    James, of course, wanted marriage, but not just yet. He wanted all the good things of life. He wanted comfort for his would-be wife.

    He wanted to make enough money to send his would-be wife abroad to have their babies. He wanted to make enough money to send their kids to the best schools money can afford. He wanted the best.

    When it became obvious that James was not ready for marriage, Priscilla summoned up the courage to break their seven-year onion.

    Thereafter, she met Ben. Compared to James, Ben was a big boy by all standards. He was also good-looking; no sane girl could ask for more. To crown it all; in six months he was asking for Priscilla’s hand in marriage.

    “Yes! Priscilla replied, blushing at the same time.

    “Yes, I will be your wife; yes, I want to be the mother of your children.

    “Yes, I want to grow old with you,” she answered Ben, who at this point was on a bended knee. He got up, hugged her and quietly slipped the engagement ring on her finger.

    Priscilla in fairness to her; told James about Ben and reasons why she had to move on. When the wedding date was fixed, James was the first person she invited. He felt awkward at first. He did not see any reason why he had to be present at the wedding.

    But his ex talked him into attending. From the moment he stepped into the wedding ceremony, he felt pangs of regret flowing through him. He felt eyes on him.

    He was stared at by people who knew. He silently wondered what they were thinking about. Were they making jest of him? Were they sneering at him or were they feeling sorry for him? He looked up at Priscilla, glowing like never before; she was even prettier than he had ever seen her. She looked so happy and peaceful. He knew it was a wrong of him to have attended.

    He looked down, to his table; tear welling up in his eyes, he grabbed his car keys and dashed for the car park. For the first time in his adult life, he let off his emotions and allowed tears stream down his face.

    After listening to James’ experience, my other friends talked about how they would react if they found themselves in the same situation. Below is how I chronicled their reactions.

    Bolaji: “Oh yes! I would be the happiest guest! Why not? I always talk to my ex. It’s a good thing! I mean, my ex is still my best friend! If she is happy, I am happy. And I mean it. My ex and I had a good time because we still have the same friends”.

    Niyi: “Yes! I will attend as long as they were kind enough to invite me. “I’d definitely go. If we broke up on not so good terms, for whatever reason, I’d still go if invited. Just to see them get hitched would be great.

    Then, I wouldn’t have to worry about them thinking about the unrequited again. It is the right thing to do, as long as you’re invited, just attend it. I would also be happy for them, as long as they are happy for me”.

    Funmi: “If I were not married and I were so in love with my ex, I probably wouldn’t go. What for? I would only hurt myself more. It’s easy to say things than do it.

    And it is hard to pretend that you’re really happy when you are hurt deep inside. But if I were not deeply in love with my ex and he invites, then I would go.

    I wouldn’t come uninvited either. When I was getting wedded, my immediate ex attended. I didn’t invite him personally, but he was a choir member in my church so what could I do? I felt he was hurt. I could sense it, but men have pride.

    “I know that men are not too emotional. He congratulated me afterwards and told me he was happy for me and that we could still be friends.

    But guess what? The next time we met at a function, I greeted him but he never replied. Now, we are friends after eight years”.

     Samuel, on his part, has a contrary view.

    He said: “In fact, to turn the tables, I had about three ex-girlfriends at my wedding. And I have been to all theirs too. It’s no big deal; we are adults.

    If anyone is the jealous type, the issue could be a weird one. But again, it’s all good. If someone is getting married, all feelings should set aside.

    Marriage is the end game as far as relationships go. So when one of my exes gets married, that effectively puts a stop to any idea of getting back together.

  • What edge does sugar daddy have over a single man?

    What edge does sugar daddy have over a single man?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    Sugar daddies are everywhere. They are married men with a fat purse. They have enough to take care of Madam and the ladies or girls outside. In fact, for them, the younger a lady is, the better for them.

    Sugar daddies are owners of companies, they are public office holder, politicians, they are the sugar are so wealthy that they can afford to fly and keep their wives and kids abroad. So, they can be free to…

    They cater for girls, they cater for their parents and siblings, especially if such girls are very good in bed. In fact, if a girl continues to be generous with her body, then a sugar daddy can rent her an apartment, buy her a car, and keep her for a long time to come.

    But the problems are; though the sugar daddy picks all the bills, how long will it last? What happens to the girl’s future when he gets bored? Since he already has a wife at home, is it possible to walk down the aisle again with another woman? Will the girl be content playing the role of the second wife? If he is the really aged type, how would the girl introduce him in public? I have read stories about men collapsing in hotels while doing it, what would the girl do if she wears him out and he suddenly collapses due to exhaustion?

    On the other hand, a single man could be okay. He’s not afraid to take you to public places. On Valentine days, if you are the ‘main’ person in his life, you could have him to yourself all day. He could be good prospect for your future. He’s always at the same pace with you all time. He reasons with you and feels you, since he belongs to the same generation with you. You can call each other up as often as you like, even you can do midnight calls. Text messages could simply flow ceaselessly between you.

    But the problems are, he might not have enough cash to throw around.

    No big cars, meaning that you might have to trek to your love spots or take a bike. No doubt in my mind he could make it in future, but are you ready to wait? If you decide to wait for him till he makes it in

    life, are you sure you will be his choice of a future partner. If he opts for another woman, then you might have just wasted your time. From my experience, I have seen ladies who dated single men, and it worked for them. I have seen ladies who dated and eventually married their sugar daddies, and they appear to be very happy. I spoke to some of my female acquaintances, and this what they have to say…

    Deola Bhadmus

    ”I have dated both. My sugar daddy is a man I hold in a very high esteem. He paid my school fees throughout my years in the University.

    After God Almighty, he is the next person. He cares and loves me so much that there is nothing he cannot do for me.

    When I graduated from university, he bought me a Honda car which I still drive today. I know he has a wife and kids at home but I also know that he takes very good care of them. His eldest son just left

    Law School and he told me he also bought him a fine car as a graduation gift. So, as you can see, no one is hurt, everyone is happy. I am not saying it is a good thing to date sugar daddies, but if your parents are as broke as mine were; then you might be lfet with no choice.

    Also, briefly though, while in school, I dated a single guy. He was a medical student, handsome and about three years my senior. We dated for about six months, and I had to call it off because it just didn’t

    work for me. He was very clumsy in bed. Whenever he kissed me, there was always saliva everywhere; whenever he made love to me, there was never any emotion from me whatsoever.  My sugar daddy is the best option for me. He practically ‘worshipped’ me. I know he might not marry me in the end, but I might decide to have a baby for him, just to say thank you for being there for me.

    Mary Jane

    Some sugar daddies can be very bitter daddies. The ‘sugar daddy’ I once dated was not actually an old man. He had it all. Good looks, nice dress sense, enough money to throw around, and powerful command of English. Even in his business, he was quite on top of his game.

    Little wonder why I fell for him.

    Our affairs was a very loud one. We did not bother to keep it secret.

    At least, 80 per cent of his friends knew about it. And it seemed back then that I had their approval.

    He had been married for about five years without a child. Perhaps he was spending all the money and attention on me so I could give him a child. 14 months into the relationship, I became pregnant. To say he was thrilled would be an understatement; he was ‘over – the – moon’. He spent so much on me that you would think money was going out of fashion.

    I was thrilled to give him the child he had long waited for. Five months into the pregnancy, I observed a drastic change in my man. No doubt the money was still coming in but the attention had suddenly

    nosedived. First, he said it was work, then his lines became almost inaccessible. When I asked him why, he blamed it on his work. I accepted the lies he told me because I obviously had no choice. I was very heavy with his baby; I could not go to his house, so I just waited for the worst to come. I later found out that his wife had gotten pregnant soon after I did.

    She did not tell him earlier because she was not even aware she pregnant until she was three months into it.

    The shock of the news threw me into false labour. I was later delivered of a beautiful baby girl that looked just like her father. His wife had a baby boy, a few weeks after, I did. The point now is that he has severed all relationships with me and the baby. His friends say he is scared his wife might find out about us.

    On a monthly basis, my account is always credited with huge sum of money by a faceless person. I know he has been paying in the money.

    The society has labelled me a single mother.

    Ayisat

    Give me a single boy/man any day, I will never date a sugar daddy. Single men are those available for marriage. Which woman wouldn’t want a home of her own? Sugar daddies only use and dump one. No matter how appealing their offer might seem. I would rather date and marry the person I can build a home with. With single men, whether rich or poor, you are assure that your chances with him are 50 – 50.

    In fact, right now, I am in a relationship with a single man, and I feel on top of the world. Both of us are very much in love. For now, I don’t know if it could lead to marriage, but I am confident that our future together is very bright.

  • A nation, democracy and its women

    A nation, democracy and its women

    Roundtable with Nnedinso Ogaziechi

    There is a very intriguing bent to the definition of democracy as a government of the people by the people and for the people. It is intriguing because there is no delineation of the voting demographics or gender, age or status. The people are just the people – an all-inclusive word. A nation on the other hand is defined as a ‘large body of people united by common descent, history, culture, or language, inhabiting a particular country or territory’.

    So a nation chooses to practice democracy as a way of taking care of the people. By and large, democracy has been adjudged the best system of government when its best tenets are practiced because it gives each citizen a voice and to hold the leader to account.

    However, it is curious that a country like Nigeria that has oscillated between civilian democracies and military rule seems to be tottering between democracy and pseudo democracy. The Round Table conversation feels that the nation might just be better off interrogating the brand of Nigerian democracy that seems to have largely excluded women and the youth population. Is it an accident of history or a well-orchestrated plan for gender exclusion?

    Has the country fared better with the patriarchal dominance in politics? Why do we reference the legendary queens, Amina, Idia, Moremi, Ekpo, Ransome-Kuti etc.? Does it mean that leadership in the post-colonial Nigerian nation is gender-sensitive. Why is Nigeria lagging behind in gender parity in politics? Why are most women subtly and overtly discouraged from taking part in partisan politics and why are the very few women in politics often seen as threading in dangerous paths? Are most women waiting to be handed power or are there huddles too high for them to jump over?

    Oscar Onwudiwe, a lawyer and a public affairs analyst is of the opinion that the real definition of nationhood keeps eluding the

    Nigeria because the country is too neck deep in the struggle for tribal confidence. This can be seen in the struggle by the three major tribes to dominate since independence. Independence was equally gotten on a platter of tribal struggle for the leadership of the country.

    According to Mr. Onwudiwe, because of the flawed struggle for domination pre and post-independence, real nationhood seem to have eluded the country. The overt and covert wars of tribal supremacy ushered in a sense of divided loyalty as tribal sentiment seemed to drown out the quest for nation-building. When there is divided loyalty, merit dies, equity suffers, and careers suffer.

    In the milieu of tribal supremacy wars, women have no chance as wars are left to the men who assume the masculine role of political soldiers more or less. The country then got decorated on geographic bases of North East, South West, Middle-Belt, South East and South-South amongst others. There are undeclared territorial wars amongst the men of the geographic expressions. As they say, when elephants fight, the grass suffers. In this ‘political wars’, women suffer.

    In the political history of Nigeria therefore, it becomes evident why women are not as included as to make much political impact. Even fellow women do not support women because the psyche seems to be sending the wrong signals like men being the ones created to fight successfully for territorial dominance. Mr. Onwudiwe points out that from the federal to ward elections, there is an ingrained nepotistic struggle. That is why we hear of zoning, of Christian, Muslim, of Northern or Southern President instead of just the best candidate.

    Going back to history, he observed that Germany is flourishing under a woman, Angela Merkel, she dared not when Germany was at war.

    Today Rwanda has the highest percentage of women in its parliament, a global record. Today Rwanda is a business and tourism hob in Africa, a phoenix that arose from the ashes of 1994 genocide.

    Women in the country are flourishing because today Rwanda is a nation not segregated by tribal supremacy battles. He believes Nigerian women would bring in their technocratic, intellectual and business attributes ones the men see Nigeria as a nation. The people of Nigeria must first fight for a genuine nation before full development can be achieved with an all-inclusive female and youth population who are some of the best in the world.

    Rt. Hon. Adetoun Adediran holds the record of the first Nigerian woman to be elected Deputy Speaker of a house of Assembly in Lagos state at the return of democracy in 1999, her journey in politics has been as challenging as it has been rewarding. According to her, Nigeria had just emerged from a long period of military rule and it seemed strange that a woman like her and of her age would ‘dare’ to enter the political space. But she was coming from a political family that set examples she vowed to not only follow but to surpass.

    Her personal ambition of impacting on her community was the inspiration she needed to surmount all the barricades on her way. She recalled being told by some men to jettison her ambition and be nominated for a post latter. She refused and decided to fight it out with the men who hounded her endlessly for daring to thread the ‘male’ exclusive political path. She recalls having entered the political space at the time with about twelve other women and remembers that only two of them succeeded in winning their elections. She won to represent Surulere Constituency 1 made up then of six wards on the platform of the Alliance for Democracy (AD).

    She encountered many huddles like having to attend the deliberate nocturnal meeting that is a culture of Nigerian politicians. She was often threatened physically but she believed that leadership has never been gender sensitive. According to her she knew that in a free and fair election, she would win having campaigned extensively from door to door even selling her programmes to her opposition’s constituents.

    Hon. Toun as she is popularly called feels that women must not wait to be handed power as that is a mirage. They must learn the political strategies and dare the men. To her no man could beat her campaign strategies at the time. She beat them in their game and was able to endear herself to the electorate while swiftly maneuvering all the huddles placed by the men who felt that politics was their exclusive turf.

    Being elected the first female deputy speaker shot her into political reckoning as she grew to become the immediate past South West Women Leader of her political party the APC. She was not just a token at the assembly as the few bills she sponsored today stand in her name. Her impact on her constituency and beyond has encouraged her to mentor more women to participate actively in politics.

    In her words, “competent women must get out to take their rightful places in politics as I detest the idea of requesting the 35% affirmative action for women” . Women must be focused and pursue their ambitions without fear of male intimidation or financial constraints as the voters often support women who are qualified and ready without the financial muscle that men often flaunt. She advises women to start from their communities and rise to the top.

    Between Oscar and Hon. Toun’s realities, The Round Table believes that these conversations might provide a valid roadmap for a better nation with enduring leadership. The women might just meet the men at the barricades for the good of the nation for generations to come.

    The dialogue continues…

     

     

  • Is sex still a big deal amongst teenagers?

    Is sex still a big deal amongst teenagers?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    Sex is the world’s number one product, making it is the biggest and most profitable business. Everywhere one turns, it stares unblinking. Adverts are daily tailored in the way that messages are laced with sexual innuendoes to attract attention and patronage of the advertiser’s products.

    Films, clothes, music and books – all celebrate the mystery and power of sex. Women are often portrayed as sex objects to be used and dumped at will. No musical video is complete without a skimpily dressed girls flaunting, to the delight of men, their feminine attributes. The Makos revolution perhaps underscored this fact more than ever.

    Films with vivid sex scenes are aired these days without care that young minds may be present. Sex on the internet is as cheap and common as the air we breathe, so also are pornographic books and films. The result is the world that revels sex, especially teenagers who see it as a source of excitement. In the last couple of decades the African society, which treated the subject of sex as something sacred, has found itself grappling with the consequences of over exposure to sex. It has so permeated most societies that the subject has lost its aura of secrecy. It has evolved from being an adult thing to a child’s toy. Teenagers no longer see it has a big deal after all, the new technologies have elevated  it to an open thing.

    Unlike in the past when teenagers projected an angelic mien to disguise their premature knowledge of the subject, the teenagers of today have neglected such finesse. So blatant are they of their new found knowledge  and the power that comes with it, that they tell anybody who cares to know in words or action what they know. Ironically, many parents, especially  some mothers , pretend not to notice that their children have become sex addicts. While appreciating the fact that teenage years are usually traumatic for both children and parents, the truth reminds that today’s youths need assistance and support  if the country’s tomorrow is to be safe – guarded. One of such ways is for parents to take advantage of the amount of information on sex by telling their children, especially the girls, about the fact of life. Assigning the role to another person is not the best.  It is the joint responsibility of both parents to educate their children on sexuality. It is high time parents appreciated the fact that whether they acknowledge it or not, powerful chemicals called harmonies are causing havocs in the bodies of this young minds that makes them stray into the adult world.

    No amount of pretence alter these facts. Many youths, out of ignorance and curiosity, have become premature adults because they lack information on what sex is all about. The consequence of this on the girls is more devastating as she becomes the exhibitor of the action of two ill – prepared persons. She not only jeopardize her chances of getting proper education but also calls to question the integrity of her parents particularly her mother who is then perceived by the society as a failure.

    Studies have shown that most of these girls not only get pregnant on first attempt but go into it out of curiosity because of the image of something dirty and forbidden which parents wrap the subject of sex in, whereas, the generality of the society portray’s it on the ultimate in enjoyment.

    Most mothers who are too shy to discuss sex as a natural concomitant of adulthood, paid the picture of dirt around it, a thing only indecent and depraved people do. Yet the children know better, they are fully aware that they are product of this supposedly dirty act. This is certainly a paradox difficult to reconcile. It should be appreciated that methods that worked for kids of yester – years will certainly not work for today’s kids who come from the moment they open their eyes in the maternity wards, come complete with hi – tech information on sex.

    The best way to beat them at their game is to acknowledge their knowledge of the game. But being friends with them and earning their trust maybe panacea to the problem because they will tell you what they know and listen to your advice.

  • Must all kids look like their parents?

    Must all kids look like their parents?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    Our Father in heaven,  I thank you for giving us the knowledge of scientific research. I thank you because these days, there are ways to ascertain whether a child belongs to the parents; I thank you because there are ways daddies can now know whether a child is theirs or not.

    Dearest  Father ; I thank you for DNA and Lord; I must not forget to thank you for helping women to find their voices in their homes and the society at large.

    I thank you that concerning the ‘Oyibo’ child  that  was once delivered to a  Nigerian couple, the lady will not be put to shame; I believe you Lord that you will have  a good explanation for any child that has no physical resemblance,  whether light skinned or dark  so that at the end, most women will be vindicated and you will take the glory and honour.

    A few years back,  a lovely white baby was  born to the family of Ben and Angela Ihegboro a Nigerian couple based in United Kingdom. Of course it is rare; in fact it is unusual; and I am aware that as we continue to debate it, scientific researchers  are at work.

    Unusual it is; but is it unfortunate? I do not think so. I have followed the ceaseless debates  some men have put up; heaping the entire blame on the women.

    “It is only a woman that knows who the father of a child is,  the men will say.” “Really?” I asked. “So, a man sows a seed into a woman, she gets pregnant, why won’t you know you have sown a seed; eh? Why?” You guys sometimes get me really upset by this” the child must look like the father thing.”

    I recall a cousin in-law of mine; who dumped his three-year old child     because a friend visited him and commented that his son did  not look like him. Eventually a DNA showed that the child was without doubt his son. Light skinned men want to have light skinned babies why dark guys wants to have same .

    what happens when child look like paternal uncle, aunty, or even grandparents? Of course I know it is wrong for a child to look like her father’s friend or neighbour or worst still the landlord! No; that will indeed be criminal and the lady will have to explain.

    But seriously, I have seen very short couple give birth to very tall children. I have equally seen tall parents that  have kids of average height. How does one explain that? Gene? Please think about it. I recall another  ugly incident that occurred in the home of an uncle.

    His job required regular travels. So, when his pretty wife became pregnant with their fourth baby; his reaction was odd. He told all who cared to listen that he was not responsible for the pregnancy.

    Naturally, his wife became really upset; in fact to further express her annoyance, she picked up the other three kids and moved straight to her parents’ home. It was shocking to the father because the baby was a replica of its father.

    You can then imagine how embarrassed the father felt after he had persistently denied the pregnancy claiming that due to his busy schedule he touched his wife only once. Please, tell me; is once not more than enough to impregnate a woman?

    In fact “touching” a woman once can even result in a set of triplets! So, figure it out for yourself. Anyway, the most painful part of this child-parents look alike thing is that women are the guiltiest.

    Check this out, a woman gives birth to a healthy baby and you pay her a visit; you pick the baby up and make a comment like ‘the child looks exactly like his father and immediately her face lightens up; she smiles and very quickly  agrees  with you.

    The other comment you could make that will sink her morale is when you say something like “eh, this child looks just like you and not the father. For what it’s worth; comments like that would not only make her face drop but could ruin her mood.

    Worse still, if she is the rude type, she could make you eat your words by saying, “really, that’s strange you are the only person that thinks like that; every other person says the baby looks like my husband”.

    So here is the thing; when you visit a new mummy; be sure to say the baby looks just like the father even when it might not be so.

    As for Nmachi, the miraculous white baby; she is no doubt a blessing that has come in a white package. And until the DNA result is released let us try to stop putting the blame of a child’s  look on the women except you want me to sing you guys Akon’s song,

     

    Even though the blame is on you

    I will take the blame from you;

    So you can put the blame on me’

    Yes, if it makes you feel better; go right ahead, put the blame on us!

    #takeresponsibility