With Vera Chidi-Maha

Hi esteemed readers! Hope we are keeping safe? Please don’t forget our face masks, if we must go out. I must use this medium to appreciate you for your contributions to this column.

It has been overwhelming for me; it is also humbling. Know this please, you are appreciated. Like Tuface Idibia says, ”without you, there will be no me.”

Today’s piece is about who is more prone to stick to her man no matter what. The one that will be there for her man 24/7; you get? I ask, does it or should it have anything to do with a lady’s physical looks? You will recall that the Holy Bible tells us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, meaning that in an ideal situation, nobody, especially a woman is expected to be ugly.

You must also agree with me that a man’s beauty should not be measured by his physical appearance! I feel it should be measured by the beauty of his purse; oh sorry, his fat account; no, I mean his pocket.

Back to my female counterparts, in my opinion, I don’t feel there are ugly women. What I know is that there are women who have stubbornly refused to update their looks.

The white men call them “plain Janes” ugly Bettys’ and so forth. There are women who have refused to make heads turn in their direction. Comedian Basket Mouth once joked about “ugly girls, being more faithful to their men”.

He said if you want a long lasting relationship, you should ”stick to an ugly girl”! He added that when you date a pretty lady, that there is huge risk of her cheating on you and you will have very little control over her because if you query her outings she will be quick to opt out. But the ugly lady, ”for fear of being dumped by you, will do your every bidding”.

Dear Basket Mouth, I love you and your shows, your jokes but on this one, I completely disagree with you. I would like to remind the men that they  are wired by sight; having said that I feel it will be fool hardy for a man to want to settle for a lady based on her ‘’ugly look”.

Being loyal to your man is not measured only by your physical appearance. A lot goes into a relationship. A whole lot! Women, as I have consistently said on this page, are wired by thoughts and words.

Read Also: Can one maintain a civil relationship with an ex?

How well do you really touch your woman? Remember Dolly Parton’s ”Touch your woman; everything is gonna be okay”

Touch your woman,

Let me know oh oh,

Let me know oh oh,

Everything is alright.

A woman needs helping hands, needs somebody to understand her. Two things are basic to keep us women glued to you like white on rice, and that is the man’s touch and his words.  Know what to say and say the right things to her. Know where to touch, oh, let me sneak in this third one.

Women love men that listen. Yes, good listeners for that matter. Not the man that yawns, when you are telling him how horrible your day went.

Ugly ladies can cheat on a man as often as pretty babe does, especially when you make her feel like you are doing her a favour by dating her. Believe me; the moment another guy shows her little attention, she will be gone before you know it!

How do you explain a very pretty lady dating an ugly guy? It is because of the way he treats her. I once knew of Kate, (not real name).

She was always seen with this guy; a lot of people could not understand what Kate saw in him. Reason:  ”Kate was dropped dead gorgeous, while her man was ugly, to put it mildly. Was it money? Far from it! In fact it was Kate that was spending on him. But she confided that it was the way he made   love to her.

She claimed that he was thorough. She also claimed that he was so thorough that he would kiss her right from her forehead to her ears, eyes, nose, chin, neck. Take note that most women love it when kisses are planted on their necks, everywhere to even her toes.

Yes, he did all that for her. And that was why she dated no other fellow even when every other guy attempted to date her! She claimed back then that he was her bus stop!

Basket Mouth in his joke also said if you leave an ugly lady alone for months on end, you can be rest assured that you will come back and meet her the same way you left her.

Believe me Basket Mouth, if you don’t treat her well, whether ugly or beautiful, she will dump you so fast you won’t know what hit you.

So, my submission is, whether a lady is ugly or not, her been faithful lies a great deal with how her man treats her.

With VERA chidi-maha

Before I relocated to my present abode, I once lived in an area where a hospital was located. The hospital was the very ‘classy’ type if you get my drift. Never in my years of residing in that area did I see any patient trekking to the clinic. The calibre of patients who patronized the hospital was either chauffeur – driven or those who drove themselves to the hospital in porche cars, of course.

You can then begin to imagine the type of doctors working in the hospital. They were very polished, trendy and happy– go-lucky set of doctors.

I must not forget that majority of them were young and handsome, of course, especially when you see them in their white jackets and stethoscopes casually hanging on their shoulders.

Of all the doctors who worked there, the one that really caught my attention was Dr. Amos. The guy was stylish, handsome indeed, but he was randy.

Dr. (Randy) Amos practically slept with all the nurses and a handful of patients. People were not too quick to judge him because they reasoned he was still single, and that perhaps he was still searching for the ‘Miss Right’.

Well Dr. Amos had a joker for everyone who prayed for him to at least settle and perhaps to make a home with one of the nurses who he was being seen with.

He sampled and sampled and at the end of the day, when it was time for him to get himself a wife, he travelled to his hometown and got himself a wife! Everyone was dumbfounded when he introduced the lady we thought to be his sister or maid as his wife.

It is needless for me to state how heartbroken a lot of the nurses he used and dumped were. As a matter of fact, some of them left the employ of the hospital. They could not bear the shame. They said if he had chosen one of them, they would have accepted it as fate.

But to dump every city girl he had dated, and gone for a ‘bush meat’ (according to them) was simply unthinkable. For me, I still believe that love is where you find it, but just as a matter of curiosity, does it mean that ladies in the countryside are better than city dwellers?  I am also aware that majority of my eastern brothers still indulge in that act till tomorrow.

What is about the rural girls that urban girls don’t have? Do men feel the urban girls are too exposed or too independent? Does it have anything to do with prowess in bed? Do men of these days still prefer, ‘Yes sir’, ‘Yes sir’, ‘bags full’ kind of girls? Because Dr. Amos’s story is very recent one, are village girls prettier? Do they cook better? Are they better housekeepers? Do they make better housewives and others?

I am aware that urban girls of these days are not as timid as they seemingly were in the past. In fact, when most of the urban girls visit their country home, feeling cool, wearing their wares and hairdos, they will be shocked to find out that their so-called trendy clothes are already outdated as the ‘home girls’ are spotting trendier wares.

In fact, a friend recently travelled home to see her aged mother, it was during that visit that an old friend she accidentally ran into introduced to her a herbal soap that she can use to wash and tighten her ‘parts’ so that when a ma ‘meets’ her, she would feel like he is meeting a virgin.

In the villages these days, the type of girls that stare downwards or look away when a man makes a direct pass at them are fast gone. I also recall an old childhood friend of mine, who once dated a guy form the eastern part of the country for close to seven years of her life.

This guy went further to give her an engagement ring, which she wore conspicuously, scaring all prospective suitors away. She was very faithful to her until the day he travelled home to bring home the wife his mother had earlier arranged for him.

Her fiancée kept her in the dark for close to eight months after bringing the lady home to Lagos. He finally let the proverbial cat out of the bag when my friend persistently insisted on retrieving the spare key he had earlier taken back from her with no cogent reason.

He claimed that his mother had arranged the wife on his behalf years before he was even told of the lady’s existence. He also claimed that he could not afford to disobey or hurt his mother’s feelings. My friend’s broken heart is yet to be taken care of even two years after the eastern ‘bros’ dumped her for his ‘home girl’.

I really wonder why this is so.  It really beats my imaginations. Don’t get me twisted.  I am not in any way trying to downgrade my urban sisters by any chance, far from it.

I just feel that lady’s location is based on privileged and sheer geography, I do not think it is right to date and dump a city girl for whatever reason and run home to pick a wife. A lady is a lady. There should not be any basis for competition. If you date an urban girl, and it works for you, please marry her.

Same should go for a city girl. If an urban lady is good enough to dine, wine and sleep with, why can’t you just take her to the altar? Or what do you think?

With VERA chidi-maha

BE a role model for confident social behaviour. Children usually learn by imitating the people around them, so be sure to exhibit the characteristics that you want them to have. For instance, should you observe that your child is struggling in certain areas, like greeting people, make a point to model those behaviours in front of him.

• Teach your child social skills early

Good social skills need to be developed; some children may have greater aptitude for it than others, but practice makes perfect. The earlier you begin teaching your child, the better it is for him.

Allow your child to pick up social skills by letting him “practise” with people as much as possible. You could also encourage your shy child to speak up when you are with them. Utilise every opportunity you have – for instance, if the child wants to buy something, get him to take the money to the cashier at the counter.

• Teach tolerance and respect for others

Shy children are particularly judgemental of themselves and others, thus you will need to teach him or her to be tolerant and respectful of others.

If you are overly critical as a parent, your child will tend to follow and pick up a similar attitude. In the long run, he will believe that others are judging him. Be a good role model – tell him that no one is perfect, but they should be accepted in spite of their imperfections.

• Learning from experience

Help your children learn by making positive comments about how you felt as you accomplished certain tasks or things. Let them know it is all right to “explore” and try taking risks; though we may make mistakes at times and fail.

If you’ve tried all the tips listed and your child is still not showing any positive progress, be patient and give him or her some time. However, you must be alert to your child’s moods and behaviours.

If he or she shows signs of anxiety that is becoming very severe, or shows complex symptoms or suicidal thoughts or intentions, it is very important that you contact a mental health professional or a child psychologist for professional help.

• Source: https://www.thestar.com

With Vera Chidi-Maha

Shyness is a feeling of awkwardness, worry, or tension during social encounters, especially with unfamiliar people. Severely shy people may exhibit physical symptoms like blushing, sweating, a pounding heart or upset stomach.

They could also be filled with negative feelings about themselves and worry how others see them.

Feeling shy on occasion is perfectly normal. However, some people face intense feelings of shyness that may prevent them from interacting with others. This usually leads to problems in school, at work, and in relationships.

If this leads to significant impairment in social activities or relationships, then it is no longer shyness but a psychological problem called social phobia (fear of humiliation or possible scrutiny by others), and this requires professional help.

A person who is suffering from social phobia usually will find it easy to interact with his family or close friends. But, he will be under great pressure if he has to meet new faces, and he will tend to avoid such situations.

• Identifying shyness

In children, the most common observable symptom of shyness is “avoidance behaviour”, where the child tries to avoid all situations where he or she has to meet other people.

The child may exhibit anger, resort to crying, or keep silent (elective mutism) if he or she is forced into such a situation. If you have a child who struggles with shyness, it is advisable that you address and improve the issue while the child is still in his formative years.

Addressing the situation at an early stage ensures the child can enjoy a better and healthier school experience – which gradually leads to more confidence in later life.

Be observant of your child’s mannerisms and reactions in order to find out whether your child is shy. How you can help?

• Do not ridicule or make fun of your child in public

Shy children are afraid of peer rejection and worry whatever they say or do may be perceived as incompetent. Therefore, negative comments or labels are dangerous, as they will cause emotional distress to your child.

This may make him become even more withdrawn or reserved.

• Do not label your child as “shy”

Accepting your child for who he is is very important; labelling him as “a shy child” will make him more likely to be shy. Therefore, it is important to accept the child as he is – this can make him feel more confident and less inhibited.

• Build up your child’s self-esteem and confidence

Shy children tend to have doubts about their capabilities. They also have negative self-image and constantly think that they will not be accepted.

Nurture your child’s sense of self-esteem and confidence by allowing him to make decisions and take responsibility for them. Praise and acknowledge him when appropriate. This can help him feel good about himself.

Source: https://www.thestar.com

• To be continued next week

With Vera Chidi-Maha

Ever had phone sex with your spouse? Research has shown that phone sex does not only spice up marriages, it also saves long distance relationships, especially with this pandemic, some couples, due to no fault of theirs.

I watched a movie recently where the married couple due to their career demands had to relocate to two different geographical locations. The couple, no doubts they were still madly in love with each other, but duty called. A time came when they needed to make babies, but the long distance made it almost impossible to do so. But guess what, readers. Phone sex came to the rescue. The husband went to a lab where his sperm could be frozen. After the necessary documents were signed, a small can was given to him to fill up but by the time he got to his office, he had to be ”in the right mood” to be able to fill up the can. So, he can thereafter send to his wife and complete other medical requirement of putting the sperm into his wife and all that.

So, what did he do? He called up his wife; and they began to talk. Dirty talk, if you like, it worked. Till the end of the film, in which they were apart for years, what saved their marriage? Constant sex; very hot, passionate, phone sex! Have you tried it? Come on, there is no need to be so old fashioned about things like this; after all, he or she is your spouse, abi? Shame should be thrown aside when it comes to being intimate with your spouse. Don’t forget that your sex life can make or mar your union. It is the truth, studies have shown this.

If you have not tried it before now, it is time to start. It can start with calling up your spouse, (of course, you must ensure that they are completely done with the day’s job) with a question like: “What are you wearing? Other times, you can start a focus on breathing or a loving, but stern command like ”Take off your clothes” or Open your legs”. At other times, you can start with a simple “Hello baby” or whatever pet name you have for your spouse, like my heartbeat, my own, honey pie, honey bunch, sweetie etc, but whatever you do, your intention is to put your significant other, in the right mood, so your tone matters. Ensure you have enough airtime, because you never know how long it could take. No matter how you start, practice they say makes perfect.

As a wife there is nothing that should stop you from initiating a phone sex with your man. According to survey by an edition of Cosmopolitan magazine, it was found that 85 per cent of men would like it if their women give it to them good over the phone. The key thing to enjoying phone sex is not just your partner’s participation; it is your active participation that will determine how much you both will enjoy it. Enthusiasts say that after phone sex, his wife showers him with compliments. She tells me she is amazed at my ability to satisfy her.

Phone sex is popular for a myriad of reasons. It is healthy and safe. You literally talk your way to a place where you want to touch yourself. No protection is needed. Phone sex can also be intensely intimate and it can bring you and your partner together even when you are on separate coasts or in different countries. A lady can reach orgasm twice if the call is handled properly. Good phone sex requires trust as much as it requires good signal. Once you establish trust between both of you; you can enjoy sex with your most powerful organ – the brain.

Susie Bright, a sex expert and author of ap2: the erotic treasury, says ”it may seem ‘disconnected’ when you first pick up the phone, but the most interesting part of talking into someone’s ear and listening to their confidence will soon have you completely oblivious to your surroundings.

”Pretty soon you will be one of those people who say, with utter seriousness, that ‘phone sex’ is one of the best sex I’ve ever had.”

Even if what you talk about is in the realm of fantasy forever, connecting orally allows you a freedom you may not get at other times in your relationship. Yes, it really is possible to excite your partner with dirty talk phrases, without being in the same room. You might be familiar with it if you’ve ever been in a long distance relationship. It is phone sex if you can just take your time and get creative with your partner, phone sex can be so good; it almost feels like the real thing. When you are having a phone sex, please do go all the way with your partner, don’t hold anything back. Since he or she is not with you in person, you will both have to work harder to get things heated up. Vivid details and fantasies are a must when talking over the phone. Go wild and say things that you might deem to be too “out there”. Try using lighter dirty talk phrases to get him in the mood before you unleash your fantasies. Make sure to let him know what you are wearing, and if you have passed that stage (not wearing anything at all), tell him exactly what you are doing to yourself. Emphasis is on how much details you use. Each time you escalate into dirtier words, make sure he is ready for it before doing so. Once he says the word, you can say it as well.

Pay close attention to his breathing. If he is very aroused, his breathing will be that much heavier. Pay closer attention to where he is taking you with his words. Once he decides what he wants, he will lead you there subtly. You have got to enjoy it too! The point isn’t to reach orgasm with the dirty talk phrases – you want it to seem like you’re closer than you actually are.

• NB: Please stay safe.