While courting my wife she confessed by mistake she had a baby, I didn’t care then but now I feel
different. I am finding it difficult to cope with the thought especially whenever the child comes visiting. I wish I had not gone into it, though our marriage is blessed with two children. – Disturbed Abbey
Dear Abbey, I understand how you feel but it’s an unwholesome feeling, I must tell you. Yes, you may feel bad that your wife has a child who is older than your own children and who may even be old enough to pass as your wife’s brother or sister. It may make you feel that your wife is old. Another emotion you may also be passing through is the fact that your wife would certainly be having private time with this child because as you’re feeling the way you are feeling right now, she may not want to get you involved in the child’s life, which would make you feel worse because you may be jealous of the time they spend together laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Wake up my dear brother, there’s nothing you can do about it if she’s a good mother. A mother will love all her children irrespective of how many fathers she got them for.
If you like what I do, then you must know that I became what I am today partly because of the love my late stepfather, Mr. Jimi Allen gave me from a child of three years old till I became a young woman. My love for spirituality, for people, for music, for beauty and for service to mankind all came from his practical teachings. Be a good stepdad to your additional child and learn to love him or her. No matter how you look at it, he/she is a part of you. If he/she does not get real love and goes into crime or other bad things, your children are going to be stained because that is their blood brother or sister who is involved. For the sake of God and those children who share the same blood with this person you feel uncomfortable about, accommodate him/her and borrow something from the tips below.
•Be patient when waiting for your new stepchild to respond to your caring, affection, and love. Often, the child is deeply wounded by circumstances involving their biological father and the breakdown of their primary, original family unit. For many, building a new relationship is threatening to them. Time is the best healer but so is keeping actively positive and supporting yourself whenever you’re around the child.
•Spend time with the stepchild in his or her activities. Helping with schoolwork, projects, and attending sporting events or clubs like scouting they’re involved with will show them you’re willing to support their efforts. The more involved you are, the sooner the child will accept you in your role of alternative dad and be grateful that you’re a part of his or her life too.
•Balance the time and gifts you give your own children with the stepchild. Both your own children and your stepchild are a part of your family now. Avoid playing favourites under any circumstances; each child is to be treated as equal, and no child deserves to be treated as an outcast.
Keep a watchful eye on how your stepchild interacts with your own children, if you have any. Jealousy is toxic to any relationship. If this appears to be occurring, try to head it off immediately. To maintain a happy family atmosphere, step-sibling anger must be dealt with fairly and prudently.
Never treat your stepchild like he or she is not worthy of your time or affection just because he or she is not your biological child.
Never make your step child feel like you don’t care or like them, or that they are in the way of your relationship with their mother.
•Invite the stepchild to participate in your own activities. If you fish, golf, or do other hobby activities, where it is appropriate, take your stepchild along. Not only does this give the child a chance to see what you enjoy, but it gives his or her mother a break. On the other hand, never force the child to do what you’ve asked––if he or she shows a disinclination toward fishing or rewiring the house, don’t force it. Given time and your enthusiasm, the child might come around to trying it. But if he or she is never interested, then that’s just a reflection of his or her interests, not a reflection on you. Pushing the child to do things he or she hates just to try and prove you’re buddies will backfire. Instead, keep looking for common ground until you do find an activity the child would like to share with you.
Spend time with your stepchild and teach him or her ways to become a responsible adult.
Show the child you’re willing to help out in housework. It is important for children to understand that keeping a household is a family job, a shared household responsibility, and not just the mother’s. Don’t be old-fashioned, even if the child’s real father is.
•Communicate clearly and calmly. Let your stepchild know that you are available to talk whenever needed and be a good listener when your stepchild does come to you for a chat. Be open-minded and accepting of difference, as the child has had different experiences before you came along. Make your own preferences known without being harsh or intimidating––always explain your actions and preferences with sound reasons.
Never let the only interaction you have with your stepchild that day be yelling and screaming. You should always try to focus on the positive things they do and not always the things they are doing wrong.
Keep your negative opinions of the child’s biological father to yourself. Unless you’re asked directly, don’t bring up your opinions of him in front of the children or anyone else. If you are asked directly, be circumspect and tactful, as there is often a risk of an emotional overflow. Each parent’s parenting style is different and unless the father is not taking part in parenting at all or is abusive in any way, you don’t need to pass judgment.
Never argue with the child’s mother in front of the child. Be especially careful about making derogatory remarks about her where the child may hear. The child will be highly alert to any disharmony, mostly due to a sense of protectiveness toward the mother and holding a strong hope that this new relationship will result in creating a happy family arrangement.
•Respect the child’s private space. Any child, from preteen through their teen years deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and private space, and unless there is serious concern about the child’s behavior or activity, the more space they are given, the more trusted they will feel.
•Raise the child in alignment with the child’s mother’s wishes, not contrary to them. This means having open lines of communication with the mother about her expectations and intentions for raising your stepchild, and having clarity on the direction both of you will take. As much as possible, defer to her preferences unless they are dangerous or threaten to destabilize the family or relationship the two of you have.
Respect the child’s mother’s disciplinary and homework regimens. Even if you think they may be out of line, don’t raise this in front of the child or make passing remarks that undermine her. Instead, talk to her privately about your concerns and try to reach a compromise that benefits the child.
Discuss decisions which affect your stepchild directly or indirectly with his or her mother. Don’t sign the child up for a summer at a military academy or sports camp without talking it over with her. Don’t buy the child firearms, fireworks or even seemingly harmless ones like paintball guns or BB guns without her knowledge and consent. Never take the child out on an ATV, snowmobile, micro-light or other potentially dangerous recreational vehicle without her express permission.
Talk about computer games, video games, and other cultural influences with the child’s mother. Social pressure will often press on mom to let the child do it, whatever “it” is, because everyone else is doing “it”.