The Nation Newspaper

Category: Hearts

  • A tenant’s dilemma (2)

    Shortly after Vero left school, we got married. In fact, she took part in the mandatory NYSC programme as a married woman. By the time the service year ended, Vero was already pregnant with our first baby. Unfortunately, the baby, a boy died when he was three months old. It was a terrible time for us. I felt so devastated by the loss as I had so looked forward to seeing my son grow up into a strong healthy boy.

    I blamed my wife for what happened. I had left for work on the fateful day, leaving a fine, healthy baby behind only to see his corpse on my return.

    According to the house girl, she had been left with the baby all alone at home as Vero had gone out with her friend. Some time in the afternoon, my son had developed a fever. On calling my wife to inform her about the boy’s condition, Vero had told her to give him some baby syrup.

    A few hours later, my son was dead. For the first time since our marriage, I felt like hitting my wife. But I was restrained by my younger brother, Joe who lived with us.

    “Brother, calm down. Beating her won’t bring Junior back,” he cautioned as I made to beat Vero up for her actions. I believed it was her carelessness that caused our son’s death. How could a woman nursing a baby leave home in the morning and not return till late in the evening, leaving her baby in the care of an ignorant maid?

    My son’s untimely death caused a rift between Vero and I. We later made up though and before long, she conceived again.

    This time, she had a girl whom we named Oluchi. I didn’t want anything to happen to this baby so I brought my mother from the village to help take care of her.

    By then, two of my younger ones and a cousin of Vero were living with us. My apartment grew too small for all of us so I got a bigger three bedroom flat in a nice neighbourhood.

    We settled down in our new place and for a while, things went well for us. When the baby was six months old, my mother returned to the village as my father was beginning to complain about her long absence from home.

    “Others who went for omugwo at their daughters’ homes at the same time as your mother have long since returned. Or does she want to become a city dweller now, like all those city women who rub pancake and wear trousers like men? Doesn’t she know she is now an old woman? Agadi nwanyi!” my father said teasingly when I had gone home for a brief visit.

    ***

    Some months after, something terrible happened at my work place. The Chairman of the company, who had founded it several decades before died. Most of the staff expected the only son, who was already a director in the business, to take over the reins of the company. But to our shock, the irresponsible young man sold it to some foreign investors, took the money and relocated out of the country!

    All this was done without carrying the workers along or even considering their welfare. We resumed work one morning to see a notice at the locked gates that a new management had taken over and all the workers had been made redundant. It was a big blow to everyone. The vague promise that we could be recalled some time in the future did not reassure any of us.

    I stood with the rest of the workers at the gate, feeling dazed as if I was in a dream. The thoughts going through my mind were confusing ones; how was I now going to take care of my family, pay my bills and take care of other things as a responsible family man now I had no job? I had been in the company for about six years and enjoyed working there.

    So, I felt really bad at being tossed into the uncertain labour market without warning. Worse still, I had just bought a new car and a plot of land in the suburbs of the city. My plan was to start developing it so we could move there in a few years’ time. All those plans were now on hold.

    My wife was supportive at first of the situation. She kept reassuring me that something would turn up soon and I should not worry. But one year later and still no job, I began to worry. As an accountant, I had thought it would be easy enough to get another job. How wrong I was! While I still had a job, I never knew how saturated the market was with job seekers.

    I wrote many applications but none were successful. But I never gave up. I kept writing, hoping and praying that a good offer would come. A few professional colleagues I knew gave me a few private jobs to do on the side to make some money. This helped a lot at least in feeding the family.

    Things went this way for a while with me continuing my job search. At a point, my financial situation became so tough that paying the rent on my apartment when my rent expired became a problem. I went to my landlord to explain my situation to him, promising that once I secured another job, I would pay. I had had a good relationship with the man since I began living in his house and he was understanding at first. But when a year passed with no rent, he gave me quit notice.

    I didn’t know what to do. Where would I move my family to if the landlord enforced the quit notice, I kept thinking worriedly.

    Then one day, I returned home from my usual job search to meet my landlord, the caretaker and a few others standing by the door of our flat. My wife and other members of my family were there too and it looked as if they had been pleading with him. The man was holding court papers which he waved in my face.

    “You have till the end of the week to move out else I will throw your things out! Did you give me money to build my house? So, why do you want to live here for free?” he queried belligerently.

    My wife knelt down and began to beg for more time to pay. I joined in too. But the man was not ready to listen.

    Flinging the papers at me, he threatened:

    “You either pay me my money or don’t let me see you here when I return later in the week!”

    Since I didn’t have the money to pay him, I began making alternative arrangements. I had spoken to a very good friend of mine, Mike concerning my accommodation problems. He told me about his younger brother who had travelled abroad, leaving his small flat empty.

    “His rent has not expired. You can move in and even take it over if you like the place,” he stated.

    But my wife was against the idea.

    “A mini-flat with just two rooms?” she stated incredulously when I told her about the flat. “It’s too small for all of us. Besides, what will my friends say? They will laugh at me if we move from this big place to a tiny flat like that!”

    I tried to reason with her that because of the situation we were in, we did not have much choice.

    “It’s only for a while till I can get another job,” I stated reassuringly.

    But she was adamant, insisting that she was not going to live in that ‘match box’ as she called the flat.

    “I’m going no where! You are the man in this house! You go and get the money for the rent or look for a way to appease the landlord!” she declared.

    I shook my head, thinking how unreasonable she was being…

    Then a few days before the deadline given by the landlord for us to pack, Vero told me on my return home one evening that the landlord had changed his mind and that we could stay.

    “He said we should not move again. That we can stay till you have the money to pay,” she announced, looking excited.

    “How come? Did you go and beg him or what?” I asked. I felt relief, as if a big weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

    But if I had known the reason for my landlord’s change of mind, it would have been a different feeling indeed…

    •To be continued

     

    •What made the landlord change his mind on the quit notice? Details next week!

    •Names have been changed to protect the identities of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

    •Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • How can I tame my stubborn 5-year-old son?

    Please ma, how best can one tame stubborn children, my boy of five plus is too stubborn but brilliant.

    -Uche IB.

    Dear Uche, children are a handful but they are very special gifts we all desire from God. Yes, at certain ages – ages which I like to describe as ‘the discovery stage’ – kids are aware of what they want and what they don’t want. You may want to serve them custard for instance and they tell you they want corn-flakes. You call that stubbornness but they call it self-assertion. From the period they begin to crawl and move on their own, they start enjoying freedom of movement and trying to stop them will elicit some kind of protests. Then by ages 4 through 5 to 8, they  know by instinct that you cannot wield the stick and they still have some kind of immunity, so, they use their stubbornness to great advantage over you. Do you see 10 year olds arguing with their parents and being really stubborn? Below, I have helped you get some tips on how to deal with this young man trying his remote control on your superiority and trying to see how far he can get with you:

    Story-telling: Try story-time to help them wind down. This works especially well with strong-willed kids, who may have a hard time relaxing enough on their own especially at bed time.

    Play the “yes” game. Ask your child questions that will prompt him to answer “yes” at least three times in a row, such as “Wow, you’re having a great time playing with those toys, aren’t you?” (Yep!) “What eating this now and eating that other one next time? Would that be fun? “Do you have strength to move that bag from the floor? Can you show me?” The “yeses” help break down your child’s resistance, and he also feels like he’s been heard and understood.

    Offer options. Gently guide him toward the next step with two choices, such as “Do you want to dry yourself off with the towel or should I help you?” Don’t announce that bathtime is over; simply start the process. Move seamlessly through the getting-ready-for-bed routine, offering two options at a time along the way, such as “Which book should we read before bed—X or Y?” If your child balks at the choices—”Neither! I’m not going to bed!”—respond calmly, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Did you want this book or that one?” Repeat calmly as needed. Stubborn kids hate hearing parents sound like broken records, and they usually give in. If they don’t, simply say “Okay, I guess you’ve chosen not to have a book tonight. Good night, sweetie! We’ll try again tomorrow night!” Lights-out. And don’t give in, even if your kid puts up a fuss. Sticking to your word practically guarantees you won’t have a repeat episode tomorrow night.

    Establish a connection.  Before actually moving your kids toward the direction you want, use a technique psychotherapist Susan Stiffelman calls “Connect Before You Direct.” Take a few minutes to sit beside your child and show interest in the game he’s playing or TV show he’s watching. Ask a few well-placed questions or say something supportive like “I can see why you like this show—it’s really funny!” When kids feel connected to you, they’re much more likely to do what you ask next.

  • Will he be faithful to me since I am not …?

    He is a graduate and am in year one. He is 26 years and I am 17 years. He said he loves me and I believe him. I told him I don’t want sex until I am married and he said he won’t even touch me except I want him to. My problem is that I don’t know if he will be faithful to me since I am not offering him any sexual pleasure. I am ready to leave him at any moment he ask me for sex because I can’t just give my pride away and that was what broke- up the relationships I’ve ever had. I need your advice ma. You’re indeed like a mother to many teens like me. God bless you ma.

    Hi darling. I’m happy you’re holding on to your virginity till you get married. Actually, there’s no point in pleasing any guy against your will until you’re ready. Now, we’ve just talked about you. You’re just 17 and you’re  a young women. Women may stay off sex for years and may not feel like they’re missing anything. That’s the makeup of most women. But not men. Yes, this guy may love you enough to leave you till you’re ready, but this is a 26-year-old man we’re talking about here! If he’s already sexually active, he will wait until you (YOU with emphasis) are ready. More than that; he’ll wait until you’re married. But he may not wait that long for sex with other women. Too many girls are on offer and they won’t need to be asked before they give it to him, they knowingly settle for someone any guy willing to have sex without talking about marriage. So make up your mind here: it’s either you accept the fact that he won’t disturb you, but he night go after other girls while keeping you till the wedding night or you say goodbye to this relationship.

    On the other side however, if he’s a born-again Christian or a committed Muslim, he will wait body, mind and soul for you till you both consummate your beautiful rrlationship on your wedding night.

    From you to me

    Good afternoon madam, l enjoy reading your Saturday page ‘Hearts’. Well done. This last Saturday, l read about d woman who wrote ‘My husband has other women maybe because I’m not good in bed’. Please can I have her phone no just to share experiences. I work with women organization. Thanks. Mrs. Ehinmowo.08081456612.

    P.S: For certain reasons, I’m sorry I won’t be able to give you her telephone number, but I’m publishing this because I bet there are so many women out there who may benefit from your wealth of experience. Please make it a free service to them. Thanks.

  • Ways to spice up marriage

    Get busy anywhere but your bed: Using the dining room table for something other than dining adds variety, but there’s another reason to ditch the bedroom.

    Try spontaneous hugging: Try this hug hint: Sneak up behind your husband and wrap your arms around him. Men have breast receptors’ all over their bodies. Your chest feels great against his back – it’s a big turn-on.

    Use the past as an aphrodisiac: Not a fan of talking dirty? Take a stroll down your shared sexual memory lane with your husband instead. “All it has to be is, ‘Remember when you did X?’” says Paget. It’s likely to get you a repeat performance.

    Surprise him in the shower: Kids are unlikely to be suspicious of Mom and Dad being in the bathroom together in the

    Build anticipation: As your husband is walking out the door in the morning, tell him what you can’t wait to do with him that night. Use code words so your kids won’t understand. The two of you will feel excited all day.

    Recreate your first dates: Bring back the initial lust you felt by revisiting the spots you went to in the beginning of your relationship. Or if you’ve moved since then, at least bring back that level of creativity when you go out. The key is to pay that much attention to your mate.

    Ignore the clock: Stop viewing sex as a nighttime activity; you may be too tired to do it then anyway! Fooling around on a Saturday afternoon while your child takes a nap can be very steamy.

    Get him in a lip lock: Everyday intimate gestures are key to a sizzling sex life  and kissing is the number-one thing that turns women on. Pull him close and say, I adore kissing you.

  • My husband has other women maybe because I’m not good in bed

    I am a good cook and dress moderately, but i’m not good in bed. I have once told him to teach me any style he enjoys or to buy sex film we can see together. If my hubby is going to Oyo, he would tell me it is Ondo. Yes, he has many women. Deola, please tell me, is it right for me to fight any of the girls\women because there is this particular one I fought via SMS. He never appreciates me, my cooking or dressing. He never takes me out and the outings we attend together are his family parties not mine. He has never given any gift except the ones given to him which he doesn’t like or says it looks feminine. He never remembers my birthday. Please help me; I so much love my husband.  Please my sister, advise me now on what to do to make my marriage enjoyable.

    My dear sister, the most important of all you wrote is that you love your husband and you would really like to make your marriage enjoyable. God bless you. I haven’t met you, but speaking with you has given me a glimpse into your mind – the mind of a very good woman. I say God bless you again.

    I’m glad you know some of the areas where you may have missed it in your marriage. Good sex is very important, and most men will go out to seek for it if they think they cannot get it in the home front. The truth is that most men are polygamous in nature, so they rush out to other women under any excuse to seek for sweeter juices. Don’t worry, you won’t lose this marriage. You may wonder how I know. I’ll tell you. That he still tells you he’s going to Oyo when it’s Ondo means he still has respect for you and doesn’t want to hurt you with the blunt truth.

    During our telephone conversation, I told you that it was wrong of you to have contacted the other woman with abusive words. There’s no point fighting with a fellow woman over any man. You must play your part and leave the rest.

    Yes, it’s bad that he doesn’t remember your birthday. That can hurt. It’s bad that you don’t go out as couple and it’s unfair that he doesn’t appreciate your gifts. These are fundamental crisis in any marriage and I know how you must he aching. It’s okay. Since he still comes back home and you still talk and make love, all these would be addressed. I have promised you a personal session free of charge, so, we’ll go over all the grey arrears together and you will win back the love and bring back the smiles I’m sure you once had.

    Below are some tips from other people about how to make your marriage exciting:

    Telling it like it is: Whether it be married couples, or those in a long-term relationship with a significant other, it should be understood that happy and healthy relationships take a lot of work. The effort involved with deepening the connection between the couple can be enjoyed by both husband and wife (or significant other), thus developing a close intimate bond unlike any other.

    Begin each day with the question, “What can I do today to show my husband/wife how much I love him/her?”

    Grooming: You would be surprised how many people have mentioned basic grooming habits being a problem in their relationship. Brush or comb your hair, brush your teeth, take a bath or shower every day, put on some makeup, get rid of those old nasty sweats and put on an outfit that shows that you care about your appearance. You know that old, worn out “favorite” shirt you’ve been hanging onto for years? Get rid of it! There isn’t much that can diminish the romantic feelings between husband and wife than to see your spouse looking frumpy and disheveled.

    Ladies, put your hair up in a nice clip instead of a “scrunchy”, or take the time to curl your hair and make yourself look nice for your husband. Get rid of the granny panties and wear some underwear that is attractive and sexy for your man.

    Physical Touch: Begin each day by physically touching your spouse with hugs and kisses. Hold hands while sharing a cup of coffee or tea together; place your hand on your spouse’ leg while sitting together watching the morning news; gently caress your spouse’ face and say “You’re so beautiful, I love you”. Physical touch is very important in creating romantic atmosphere in the home, so when you arrive home from work be sure to hug and kiss your spouse, and continue physically touching each other throughout the evening.

    A common problem in many marriages is where there is virtually no physical touch throughout the day and evening, but as soon as the children are in bed and the couple retires to the bedroom, there is an expectation that hot, sizzling sex is going to miraculously heat up the bedroom. Not! Frequently offer foot massages, shoulder massages and full-body massages to your spouse.

    Listen: Pay close attention to subtle hints and comments about something your husband or wife wants to buy for themselves, and purchase it for them as a surprise. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, but if your wife sees a purse she likes or a set of earrings she wants, make note of it and stop by the store and pick it up for her. If your husband mentions wanting a new tool for his toolbox, or mentions wanting a new gadget of some kind, take the time to go buy it for him as a “just because” gift. Pay close attention to clues for birthday, holiday or anniversary gift ideas, making a point to write them down so you won’t forget and end up struggling to find a gift your spouse really wants.

    Communication: Make time during the day to call or text message your husband or wife to let them know you are thinking about them. Don’t use that time to complain about the kids, or the in-laws, or bills piling up. Text message your husband or wife with a little naughty message in the middle of the day, with a teaser of what you have planned for the two of you once the kids are asleep in bed. Brag to your friends, family and co-workers about how lucky you are to have found such a wonderful, loving and supportive husband or wife. Talking in front of your spouse about your partner’s good qualities is romantic; notice the way your partner’s face lights up when you speak well of them to others.

    Couples often complain that they don’t have much time to really communicate with each other, not with taking care of the kids, holding down one or more jobs, doing household chores and paying bills. If your children don’t have a normal bedtime routine, make one. Putting the kids to bed at a reasonable hour gives parents time to unwind from their day at work or other family responsibilities, allowing couples the needed time to focus attention on each other and the marriage.

    Romantic Atmosphere: Make the home atmosphere as peaceful and romantic as possible. Turn off the TV. Make the dinner time meal with the family a peaceful and calm one, rather than using that time to complain and gripe about how the kids upset you, or how the “honey-do list” is still untouched. Keep a ready supply of scented candles to make the home smell nice, turn on some soft romantic music and dim the lights. (I sell scented candles and oils o).

    Keep the home clean, toys picked up and put away, so your husband/wife doesn’t come home and wonder what you’ve been doing all day.

    Sex, Sex, Sex Baby!: Make sex and romance fun in your marriage. Buy some naughty adult sex games to play when the kids are asleep. There are many intimate games for couples available to spice up your sex life, regardless of whether you are married or not. Christian couples want and need sex in their marriage too, and by the way…, Adam and Eve had SEX, and SEX for married couples is talked about in the Bible too!

    Create your own private collection of sex toys and change up the routine of when or where you have sex, because your sexual health and wellness depends on finding creative ways to spice up your marriage and your sex life! Have a playful pillow fight, chase each other around the bedroom (if there’s enough room), turn the game of Scrabble into a striptease game.

  • Happy Eid el Kabir to Alhaji Aliyu Abubakar and to you all!

    Phew… I actually just sucked in a big breath and then I exhaled. It’s been 29 long days… My days in the last one month were so packed that I had to keep telling myself to take it easy. Thank God, we’ve all come to the end of the fasting period. During the Ramadan period, I was visited by personal grief, but I was able to handle the sadness as I held on to God in prayer. Yes, I cried many times and I held my pillow at nights asking ‘why’. I found it difficult to handle the fact that the friend I shared so many happy memories with in London and a die-hard fan of the Hearts page, Bola Gbadebo Adegbenro would die of malaria fever; just like that! And to think she died with a much-awaited pregnancy a few hours after she had a plate of hot amala. My head was still spinning when the news came that Tunde Ogundoju, a charming boy that grew into a fine young man that grew before my eyes had been gunned down in front of his house in Surulere, Lagos. Oh God, I cried. Yes, I cried.

    Then Sallah came and God in his way of making us know that He is watching over us brought so much joy through Alhaji Aliyu Abubakar popularly known as AA Oil.

    I had been inundated with demands here and there from known and unknown people and as the fasting period was coming to an end, the demands mounted. I watched helplessly as men and women bowed down to the financial crunches being felt everywhere in Nigeria at the moment. I woke up every morning to telephone calls I couldn’t ignore, but ones which I had no words of hope to offer. I waited for a miracle to know where to go to. Then help came in the form of Alhaji AA.

    It was a chance meeting at my place of worship. I was with my resource person, Bashiru Oyinlola (Arabambi Abuja), and we were in a corner, talking about how I was going to meet all the needs before me. I said aloud that I felt like running away. A friend whose wife just abandoned their children on him in his joblessness had called earlier that he was thinking of suicide. A friend whose daughter was dying was crying out that I should help. An old classmate and a dear friend became partially blind due to an illness and she needed help for her hospital visits. Songs of agony rebounded from all around me, but there I was, unable to help even myself. I conveyed my pains to my companion that I felt like flying to an unknown place to hide from all the demands I was unable to meet.

    And like it happens in films, somebody had heard me and the message reached Alhaji Aliyu Abubakar, who, unknown to me was also at the place of worship at that period in time. There and then, the cries of most of those who had been crying turned to joy. My friend’s daughter is getting the treatment she deserves as I type this. My jobless friend has enough food for his two kids now and they’re having a good celebration. Even my driver, Amisu went home with joy to his pregnant wife. My blind friend is yet to get any help and as for me, I do not have more than the laughter on my face for the beautiful deeds this man has done through me to those I could reach.

    As I consider the giant and out-of-the-world structures Alhaji AA is erecting in Abuja, I cannot but see why some people are so blessed. It is because they bless other people.

    To those I’ve not been able to reach, I say Happy Sallah with a heart filled with love. And to you, Alhaji AA, I say Happy Eid el Kabir with appreciation!

  • What can I do to have bigger breasts?

    Aunty, I’m in my 20s but I have small breasts and I have had to be using padded bras to hide my shame. What can I do to have bigger breasts?

    How to make small breasts look bigger

    By Ben Rubenstein Ideally, every woman should be happy and comfortable with the body she has. Unfortunately, many women are not. If you’re unhappy with your breasts and want to make them appear larger and firmer, read on for tips and tricks on how to achieve that without surgery, pills or the Boob Pop product.

    •Practice good posture. This is by far the least expensive and fastest way to make your breasts look bigger. Hold your head up, shoulders rolled back and down, chest forward and spine straight. This alone can make your breasts look bigger and perkier, as well as making you look slimmer and taller.

    Build up your upper pectoral muscles (working out lower pecs will actually decrease your bust size). Increasing the bulk of the muscles beneath your breasts will make them appear firmer and more rounded. Regular push-ups are one way to achieve this; build up slowly until you can manage to drop and do 15 push-ups all at once. There are also many weight training exercises you can do to build chest muscles.

    •Focus on your waist. Slimming and shaping your core (the muscles around your waist and ribs) will make your breasts appear larger by comparison, without actually adding any breast tissue. Try yoga and pilates exercises that can help you burn calories while simultaneously strengthening your core muscles.

    •Wear the right bra size. Sadly, most women wear incorrect bra sizes because they’ve never been appropriately measured. The right bra should sit snugly beneath your breasts and cup all of the tissue closely, as well as making it easier for you to stand up straight. Measure your bra size yourself, or go in for a free professional fitting at a department store. (Don’t feel shy about being professionally fitted––usually the ladies who do fittings are chosen for their warm and accepting demeanor. Remember, she’s probably seen it all.)

    •Know how to put on a bra correctly. Once you’ve been properly sized, check that you’re putting on your bra in a way that will achieve maximum lift and comfort. Slip the straps over your arms, facing forward, so that the unhooked clasps are at your back. Bend over so that all of your breast tissue falls forward, and maneuver the bra over your breasts. Still bent over, reach back and clasp the bra. Adjust the band and straps as necessary.

    •Wear bras that enhance your breasts. There are many options available, so the best way to work out what gives you your desired effect is to go and try lots of different types on. The following types of bras are the best for women wanting bigger breasts:

    Push-up bras are designed to push your breasts up (as the name implies), and move the breasts closer together, creating more cleavage. They push the breasts up using padding usually made of foam. The best known brand for making push-up bras is Wonderbra. However, most lingerie stores supply some variety of push-up bra.

    Padded bras, like push-up bras, contain foam padding in the cups. They are designed to give fuller-looking breasts to small-chested women, but don’t lift them or create extra cleavage.

    Gel, air or water padded bras are the same as padded bras but are designed to look and move more naturally, and to give a more noticeable enhancement. The only downside to these is that they often cost more money. Also, air padded bras often need the padding replaced as the air leaks out.

    •Wear clothes with a detailed neckline. Lace, ruffles and jewels, gathered material, pleats, ruching and twists are some examples of neckline details that enhance breast size appearance. These sorts of details provide a visual boost and help to make the breasts appear larger. When wearing ruffles, be careful that they are not so big that they overpower the size of your breasts; this risks going the other direction and making them look smaller!

    Stay away from low V or low scoop necklines, as give the appearance of shrinking the size of your breasts. Instead, wear moderately high, asymmetrical, crew or gathered necklines. These are the most flattering for women with smaller breasts as they enhance their shape and make them appear bigger.

    •Avoid wearing tight-fitting clothing. Obviously, such clothing reveals all––what is and what is not there. Loose, roomy tops and layers are a better choice when you don’t want to draw attention to smaller breasts.

    •Live with the reality. Small breasts aren’t the burden they may seem to you. For starters, not everyone loves large breasts. Indeed, it’s an exaggeration that men only like women with large breasts––everyone has their own preference. Moreover, small breasts tend to hold up best over time, and gravity tends to be lot kinder to the small-breasted woman as you age; you’ll sag a lot less than your big-breasted sister. As long as you are healthy, try to be happy with your body.

  • I want to leave him for a while, but for how long will I keep off?

    There was a write-up of yours I read about ‘ways someone can get his/her ex back.’

    One of d points is to stop calling for a while, but the time one needs to ignore him/her wasn’t specified, maybe it is weeks, months or years. What happened in my own case is that he refused to tell me it was over but his action tells me that the relationship has already ended because he doesn’t pick my number again with the excuse that he’s busy or not with his handset whenever I call with my line and I’m trying to control myself from asking him questions or telling him what to do because he says I complain and nag a lot which he caused.

    What really broke the camel’s back between us was that I added one of his Facebook friends who I’d teased him once maybe they were dating. But before this, we’ve had an issue on a female Facebook friend before then. I’d begged and even unfriended that lady. I’d said sorry more than  one billion times through text etc and I’ve even tried for us to see because we are not in the same state but he’s avoiding me. If I call with my line he will be busy (according to him), but if I use another line he will pick and respond to me very well as a casual friend. There was a day I said I’m sorry and asked that is there a second chance in his dictionary, but he said he didn’t tell me that we’ve ended the first one that so what am I talking about. Though, I don’t talk about the issue of that lady again but if I try to ask him what was my offence and that let by-gone be by-gone, he will say I didn’t offend him that he has told me several times to stop talking like that. Though he twice said I don’t know the kind of things/words I don’t suppose to use to play with somebody and I’m kind of person that like to tease people especially if we’re dating at times I can pick my phone and send a nasty text message to him just to say hi. He has refused to tell me my offence which makes the whole scenario annoying and painful to me.

    I do call and text to say hi once in a while, but since I read that write-up I want to leave him for a while, but for how long will I keep off? – KF.

    Dear KF, from the content of your mail to me, I could see that you have the penchant for saying too much at once. If you give any guy the impression that you want to say it all at once, you shouldn’t be surprised if they run away. It is obvious that this guy wants a big breathing space, so why would you be disturbing him with all those text messages and calls? When it is over in a relationship, the party making the move doesn’t want too much contact after moving on and they expect you to respect that.

    If you expect somebody to come back, give enough room for them to miss you. But when you’re always making yourself  too much available, they get angry and don’t even want to talk to you again.

    You give the impression of somebody who thinks nothing more than this guy. Common, occupy your mind with serious things. This relationship (or any at all) won’t get you anywhere in life. Face the most important things that will propel you to greater heights.  If you let this guy be today, you may look back in years to come and thank God you broke up in the first place. Stop sending his text messages and stop calling him. Just stop it!

  • Help! We’re on the verge of divorce due to gossips and financial stress

    I need a job as a lawyer and need counsel on my ex-marriage to Segun Awolowo. We are on the verge of a divorce due to gossips & financial stress. Help. Tejumade Babatola writes.

    Hello Mada Babatola, I know that there are many people by that name, Segun Awolowo in Nigeria, but only a few of them are popular, so I would have expected you to state clearly that the one you mentioned in your text is not any of the popular ones. Well, that is that, let’s get down to the reasons you contacted me – financial stress and gossips in marriage.

    You’re at this season when you don’t have a job and you’re struggling financially. It’s always hard when someone faces a job loss particularly at this time in Nigeria. The way we deal with handling money and spending is unconsciously wired in childhood. If your husband is the one spending now on the family, he’s also the one paying school fees if you have kids, and the one keeping the family car in top shape (if you have one), it is natural for him to be under a little stress and that is why you must be considerate and be prudent. He will expect you at this period to help him save a little of what is left and he also wants to see that you’re making efforts to find either a job or a business to help augment his income. Not being very understanding with what he is able to provide can cause great conflicts. If he is not a rich man, it is critical to understand your husband’s hardship about money, spending, and provision. You should understand that apart from you and the kids; he will have family members too who would expect something from him every now and then.

    If you don’t manage the issue of his family well, your in-laws and would jump to conclusions about why you’re not working and how you’re ‘chopping’ his money alone. It is your responsibility to let them know the true situation of things. Some may believe you and some may not, it really doesn’t matter, at least it would be said that you made some form of explanation. If they are the ones gossiping, that’s okay once you know you’re doing the right things and making efforts to get something doing. Once in a while, pretend to be confiding in them and have safe conversations about your experience, fears and seek advice from them about what they think you should do. That way, you’re making them your friends and the gossip should soon die down.

  • Is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?

    Laura: Good morning ma. I have a problem with my relationship.

    Adeola Agoro II:  Go on, let’s share it.

    Laura: There is a guy whom I love so much. He is in Sweden and we have dated for six months. I havn’t seen him before but he has seen me when I was small before he travelled.

    Adeola Agoro II: Yes… I’ reading, go on.

    Laura: I got to know him through my sister and we dated for six months

    Adeola Agoro II:  What is the problem with the relationship?

    Laura:  He asked me to go to his family for them to know me, which I did. He broke up with me for no good reason. He blocked me on FB and stopped my number from calling him.

    His family loves me so much they have talked to him but he gave them a deaf ear.

    The cause of the problem is we were chatting one day when he told me that he wanted us to be chatting once a month. I asked him why and he told me that’s the way he wants it.  But he used his brother’s name to chat with me on FB.

    I told him while I was chatting with him online that he said we should chat once a month and he was using his brother’s name to chat with.

    Adeola Agoro II: You want to hear the truth?

    Laura: Yes ma

    Adeola Agoro II: It is certain he could be married and doesn’t want this online relationship to spoil what he has. Why on earth would he be hiding you or hiding to chat with you under another name if not that he is trying to protect a more serious relationship?

    Laura: That’s true.

    He told me he has a son with a white woman but they are not married and they don’t live together.

    Adeola Agoro II:  You’re a very fine girl, so I will advise you not to waste your time chasing shadows. Most of these people abroad may not have valid residence papers except they marry citizens. At this point in his life, he is most likely to be trying to face the most important thing he’s abroad for – making a living. You may mean a lot to him emotionally, but he has to use his head in order to stay aboard poverty in a foreign land.

    Laura: I’m madly in love with him ma, I don’t know what to do. There was a time he told me that he would like his parents to go and pay my dowry, I said no, that I haven’t seen him, that we should wait till he comes back.

    Adeola Agoro II:  So many of our men abroad would really love to marry our girls, but I just explained to you the difficulties some of them experience to you. His intentions may be noble, but when reality comes knocking, they must follow it. On your part, yes, it is normal to fall in love with that man who professes love. For a young girl like you, it is even sweeter that he’s abroad and you may be thinking about the opportunities before you should he invite you to join him, but you have to face the reality on ground – he has constraints that may mar his chances abroad if he gives in to passion instead of proper reasoning and financial reality.

    Laura: Ok i just have to move on with my life.

    Adeola Agoro II: I guess so. Read me in The Nation this coming Saturday and get more hints for your concern. Please read some feedback below:

    1.      Yes it’s extremely possible to love someone you have never met. My boyfriend and I met online, and we did not meet for 5 months. I was totally in love with him long before we ever met. Now we have lived together over 3 years and we are extremely happy together. The heart knows no boundaries, no state lines, and no distance. You can love across the street or across the country it doesn’t make a difference. What you need to do is tell this person how you feel about them, so that they know how you feel, and find out if they feel the same way about you.

    2.      Don’t expect it to be easy though, relationships are harder than anything you see in the movies and long distance relationships are harder still. Your Mr. Right may not even be the one in Sweden, he could be living on the other side of town right now. But yes, it does happen, and it is entirely possible that it could happen to you.

    3.      Maybe one of you doesn’t want to feed the relationship with just skype and emails for years until maybe you can move. I’d say the chances are higher if you’re living in the same country with hi long term.

    4.      After you weigh up the logistics the expense and the sheer hassle you’ll soon find the notion of romance wears off. Ok…you fantasize about meeting and falling in love with someone from another country but why does he have to be Irish? It shouldn’t matter to you where the person is from and long distance relationships are hard and frustrating (especially when neither of you can move to live together).

    5.      Men in Sweden men are no better than men living in Nigerian. A lot of those abroad are disrespectful, sleazey, fat and ugly and very broke. Honestly I wouldn’t advise you to waste your life and time on him. Trust me.