The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • Ways to kill boredom

    Ways to kill boredom

    And if you’re so bored stiff that you can’t help it, here are things you can do when staring boredom in the face, and none of them involve checking the internet.

    Cook a nice meal. You won’t know how much fun it is to cook something you’ve never tried before. Check out cook books or try out something you see on TV. It’ll take up so much of your time that boredom will fly away.

    Watch your favourite movie. Nothing breaks the monotony for most people better than kicking back and popping in their favourite movies. For me, it’s Tyler Perry. I get a good laugh watching his (her) antics.

    Read a book. There’s probably one you’ve been meaning to pick up for the last few months. Or one you’d like to read again. So open up a good book and get lost in another world.

    Make a to-do list of short-term goals. It often feels like there’s not enough time to look past right now, or later today. But if you’re bored, you clearly have time, so why not make a list of things you’d like to accomplish in the near future?

    Clean out your closet and drawers. This may not sound like fun, but it actually is kind of refreshing once you get into it, and the feeling you have at the end is worth it. Throw away all your clutter, get organized, and throw away or donate those things you haven’t worn in six years to charity.

    Load music onto your i-Pod or MP3 player. Pretty self-explanatory, but it’s a good way to spend your time that doesn’t involve reading up on Britney Spears’ latest mishap.

    Call or write that person you’ve been meaning to call or write.

    There’s always that one person you know you need to get in touch with but never seem to get around to contacting. “I’m so busy,” you say. “I don’t have time.” Well now that you have time, get in touch. They’ll be glad you did, and you’ll thank yourself afterwards.

    Work Out. Always a good choice when you’re feeling a little sluggish.

    Pass the time and perfect your physique in one swift motion.

    Take a Walk: As for me personally, taking a walk or doing some minutes on my mini-stepper boosts my mood and makes me happy. By the time I’m through with walking, I take time out in the bathroom and feel really

    good afterwards. Try it.

  • My only regret —100-yr-old relives life as a colonial police officer

    My only regret —100-yr-old relives life as a colonial police officer

    Alhaji Tijani Adamson is one of the very few people who are privileged to have lived for a century on the planet earth and still looking very good to live for many more years to come. He would be 100 years on May 29, 2013. During his hey days, he served the police force under the British Colonial masters for 33 years. He retired as an Assistant Superintendent of Police (ASP). In this brief but exciting encounter with INNOCENT DURU, he tearfully recalls the ugly circumstance that led to his mother’s death. He also speaks about his early life and other interesting issues. Excerpts: 

    SIR, can you let us more about your background?

    I was born in May 29, 1913 into the family of Adamo Mohammed Gborigi. My father was from Kogi State while my mother was from Lagos State. I went to St. Peter’s Primary School, Lagos. I passed my Common Entrance Examination into Christian Missionary Society (SMS) Grammar School, Lagos but there was a snag: I was denied admission on the grounds that I was a Muslim. I felt bad but I devised a means to secure admission into the school the following year. So, I changed my name to Festus Adamson the following year, so I was admitted into the school.

    After my secondary school I was with Habour Works briefly before I joined the Police Force in January 1936.

    Tell us the circumstances that made you to join police because I understand that people didn’t like joining the police then?

    I simply loved the police, there was no circumstance that prompted me to join it. It was basically the love I had for it and my burning desire to help my country under the British rule that made me to join it. In the course of my service, I attended so many courses abroad. I served the police for 33 years before I was retired in 1969 under the Inspector General of Police, Kam Salem. I joined as a recruit and I passed through the ranks until I retired as an Assistant Superintendent of Police.

    When I was in the police, there were hardly cases of armed robbery the way we have them nowadays, but there were cases of burglary but murder was very rare. Then government was able to control arms importation and smuggling of arms was almost impossible. The government was very tough with this.

    Can you recall some of your defining moments in the force?

    Yes, that was when I was deployed to the Criminal Investigation Department (CID) of the Police Force. There, I proved myself as a worthy officer, a dogged fighter officer so much so that I won the plaudits of my superior officers. I was assigned to investigate some criminal cases. I investigated the suspects and they were convicted. I was given a commendation letter duly signed by Mr. Hodge, a European officer, and an award in recognition of my courageous effort.

    I remember when I was assigned to investigate a case of treasury breaking in Ughelli, Warri. I was assigned with a police vehicle, a driver and four other members of the CID. When we got to Asaba, we went on ferry across to the other side of the road, where we entered our car. Eventually, we got to Onitsha in Awomana where the stolen money from Ugheli treasury was recovered. It was God who protected us.

    Also, I remember when I was transferred to Gboko Division of the Police Force in Benue State. Then, I was assigned to an area leading to Nsukka, where many saw an escape route. It was at the height of the political crisis involving the Sardauna of Sokoto, the late Alhaji Ahmadu Bello and Takar. During the period, the area was seen as the Middle Belt. They were not Hausa, so they wanted to break away from the Northern hegemony. But the Northern leaders didn’t take kindly to it and they wanted to prevent them from pitching their tent with the late Chief Obafemi Awolowo’s Action Group. So, that led to a riot. I was sent with my team called Riot Team to disarm the natives who were fighting with bows and arrows in 1951.

    I was also the head of the team that was sent to Badagry when the British government introduced the payment of tax in the area. The indigenes kicked against it and there was heavy riot. One of our members was killed and we dealt with the indigenes seriously. We were able to subdue them, seized their guns and arms. When you paid your tax, you would be issued a receipt, which you must always carry with you always.

    You joined the police when Nigeria was still under the British rule and after the independence, can you tell us the difference that was introduced to the force then and the transformation?

    There was great change and transformation. We were trained to be very disciplined .But after the British left, we were not allowed to remain actively in the force, so we were posted out. I was the Chief Security Officer in Boston, an Indian textile company in Lagos. So also were many of my colleagues.

    At your age, there is no doubt that you have lived through many bitter-sweet experiences in life. Therefore, can you tell us your happiest moment in life?

    Ah! That was when I performed the holy pilgrimage to Mecca in 1961. It was when I travelled to Mecca for Hajj in 1961. I am a strong believer in Allah and He always answers my prayers. The more I call Him, the more He answers my prayers.

    As a man who has gone through so many things in life and as a staunch Muslim, is there anything you would have got that you never get?

    No, there is nothing I asked for that God has not granted me. If I ask for anything and He doesn’t grant me, it may be there is an evil or danger in it. I wake up in the middle of the night to say my prayer (Ta’jud). Every Sunday morning and Thursday night, I do it. It is a special prayer. When you stick to it, you will know and respect God and human beings.

    What about your greatest regret in life?

    My greatest regret, this is something I don’t like talking about, but all the same I will tell you. It was the circumstance surrounding the death of my mum. I had a brother, Abdul-Lateef, who was very stubborn and arrogant. He had misbehaved on a certain day and my father was trying to scold him. So, I intervened and chastised him. But he soon engaged me in a fight. In the process, my mum was summoned. But while she was rushing to separate us, she hit her feet against an object, fell down and then died. I don’t always like to talk about it because it makes me cry (Wiping welling tears from his face).

    As a young man then, full of life, can you tell us some of the antics you engaged in then maybe as a result of your youthful exuberance?

    As a young man, I had my own fair share of youthful exuberance . I remember this incident very well. As a police officer in charge of the Ebute Metta Division, Lagos, I was assigned to provide security to the Awori people who were celebrating the Elegba festival. While the ceremony lasted, the participants and guests were served assorted drinks, which they drank to their satisfaction. I first drank a bottle of stout beer. Then, they also served brands of whisky and brandy, which I also drank. Later, I left the venue and went back to the police barracks where I was living. When I got to the barracks, I started feeling dizzy and my steps were wobbly, so I fell down. I then began to vomit till the following morning. Could you believe I slept in that vomit? From that moment, I resolved never to drink again and my prayer was answered.

    It is very amazing that even at your old age you still have good memory, what is you secret?

    There is not secret behind it. This gift from Almighty Allah, I still do lots of things people consider as unique. I still bathe myself. I walk without the aid of walking stick and I see, read without eye glasses. Well, maybe I will consider myself lucky. I thank God for this gift He gives me.

    As a Muslim, how many wives did you marry?

    I married three, but two have died and I have 16 children. My first born, who is doctor, is now 73 years old. As an appreciation of the grace of God in my life, my children, friends and well-wishers will celebrate 100th birthday soon.

  • Should I accept his request or endure my boredom?

    Hi Mrs. Deola, I am 19. I am in love with a guy who already has a baby from another lady (now his ex). Though I love him but I am afraid he might dump me because he is in his final year in the university and I am yet to gain admission. Should I accept his request or endure my boredom?

    I know a lot of girls/women make the mistake of dating out of pity and sometimes boredom, but in the long run, it won’t do you any good. If you’re not too sure about this guy, remain friends with him and I think being friends is enough to kill boredom. For the love of yourself, always remember that this guy is still in school and so, unable to plan for a future with you, if that is what you’re hopingf or. He has a baby to plan for and for him to have told you about his child means he loves the baby and would put him/her first. Whatever he does with any lady now may be a game because even his parents would frown at him starting something with someone new which might result in another unplanned baby. Think well and make up your mind on the consequences.

  • Uba and I, by Maduka

    Uba and I, by Maduka

    Cosmas  Maduka, chairman of Coscharis Group, was the archetypal conservative businessman until he hit the headlines over his entanglements with another businessman, Ifeanyi Uba. In this interview with Rita Ohai he touches on their unresolved dispute, his business philosophy, attitude to politics and sundry matters.

    During the (former President Olusegun) Obasanjo administration you received some major waivers. As a result, speculation arose that you played the role of financier for political activities from the background?

    People are entitled to their opinions. The truth is that an industrialist like me cannot be completely neglected in the economy. You can get your voice to count by the things you do. Mother Teresa was not the greatest business woman in the world but she influenced politics. Nelson Mandela is not the richest man but he is an icon because of the things he has contributed to humanity.

    I play my own role as an industrialist and philanthropist. It is my own way of running a non-governmental organisation (NGO).

    There was this controversy that generated a lot of news on the relationship between Ifeanyi Uba and you. Cases of fraud and political manipulations were cited. What really happened?

    The case of Capital Oil and Coscharis is a very painful one that frankly, I do not like to discuss. It is like talking about having children with a woman that is barren. People from my area do apprenticeship and build from there; it is part of our social welfare, almost like slavery. We have always been our brother’s keeper and profit is usually not the driving motive.

    So this kid brother of mine (Uba) approached me in 2011. I was sitting in my office when my phone rang, and he told me about how some people were trying to take over his business. He said things that were related to me and invited me to see his structures. Of course, I could not turn him down. I went there and I was impressed with what I saw.

    Many of the boys from my state mismatch funds. They take short-term funds and put in a long term project by borrowing heavily. That is a way to commit suicide because interest rates can kill you. This was what Uba did and the first advice I gave him was to sell his facility to pay down his loan so that he can start all over again. I took him to different banks trying to get support for him because I could not let his business go down. If you go to Capital Oil’s jetty, you will not believe it is a structure created by a Nigerian but he had borrowed so much. In the process, I got what I did not expect because he did not keep to the commitment that he made to me.

    I think he (Uba) has a problem and only he knows what led him to do what he did. My concern is that he let me down and messed things up between me and my bankers. We are still on the matter. Talks are going on and he made a public apology at the Senate hearing. We are negotiating with AMCON to take over his business so that he can pay the money back to me.

    All the youthful exuberance he displayed were bad ideas people gave to him and he realised later that it was not the right thing to do because you do not hurt people who go beyond reasoning to help you. It creates pain in my heart but the matter will hopefully be resolved. What is important is that I have learnt my lesson.

    He has been saying that your motives are politically related such that you seek to stop his political ambition, what is your stance on this?

    Ifeanyi as a person is a boy with too many ideas and I think he needs somebody like me to play a role in his life in order to remodel him. Most of the things he does are not obtainable. He has some very weird and crazy ideas and I have told him to his face. We have an adage in Igbo that literally means that if you have not been able to cultivate the small portion of land in front of your house, you cannot be called ‘the king everyone is afraid of’. It will be wrong for anybody to advice Ifeanyi to go into politics with so much debt hanging over his head. He is a brilliant boy that started a business but he has mismanaged his funds. He needs to sort that out first and foremost. He has political connections and I do not care about that. Can you say that because you have political connections, you no longer owe a person you borrowed from? Will any law court say you do not owe when there is “clear evidence that you did not pay? It is not sustainable.

    Somebody needs to talk to you directly and say, ‘hey guy, clean your mouth, it is smelling’, and it is only the person who loves you that will say that to you. All the other people will see you carrying shit on your cloth and be calling you a king and saying that you are looking good. That is how some people deceived one king in the Bible and he started dancing naked.

    When Ifeanyi told me he wanted to enter politics, I asked him why he would want to do such a thing. I have no ambition whatsoever of going into politics. I am a businessman with no interest in it at all. In fact, you will never see me in any political gathering. I want to be known as a businessman and stay focused there. I want to be respected as an entrepreneur who is much focused. One thing I have always feared is distraction and I do not have a television in my house.

    Has there been any move by leaders and village elders to reconcile you both and is there some progress in this direction?

    The village elders tried initially but Ifeanyi was not interested because as far as he is concerned, does the village chief know what N10 billion is all about? It is something they cannot conceptualise. The idea is that he is going to pay, that is what he has always said. We talk and his position is that he will keep his promise and that is all.

    Coscharis as a conglomerate is not a quoted company on the Nigerian Stock Exchange, what is the reason for the hesitation?

    It is all a matter of choice by the owners of the business. It is a model we have chosen to adopt. If you go to the United States of America, I can show you many family businesses that are not publicly quoted. The owners of the business may decide to hold their stock and get family members to manage the business.

    Of course, the right thing to do would be to go to the stock market and invite other Nigerians to share from the wealth you have created by buying into the company. We thought about it four years ago and by the time we were preparing to go to the market, it crashed. And we felt it was not appropriate to go at that time because we did not want to throw away the value we have created for nothing.

    There are many things that drive people to go to the stock market. The first is security. You can run a business where you think that there will be some political risk for you to run the company and hold the stock on a private equity basis. If you get the company quoted, it becomes Nigeria’s company and if your political opponent or whoever decides to destroy the company, he will be undoing the country. That is why people like us stay away from politics due to the enmity it causes.

    The other thing that can drive you to go public is to safeguard your equity because sometimes you need additional money to expand your business. Coscharis has no such problem and we are not desperate. We saw a lot of people packaging emptiness, companies with no history and just speculations to sell on the stock market between 2008 and 2009 and they ripped people off.

    A lot of people lost a lot of money and confidence in the Nigerian stock market. So we think it is not the right time to go but ultimately that is what we are going to do. When it will happen is something we do not know yet. Sometimes it is also good to manage things the way we do in a very conservative manner. When you go public, it gives a sense of confidence but sometimes you may have professionals who may not view things the way an owner would.

    You cited Coscharis as being a strong company, how are you able to source for funds to run such a large organisation without public input?

    We retain a lot of our earnings in the business and looking at our antecedent, we have been able to build unprecedented credit rating within the banking industry. I do not think there are many organisations on our scale that borrows internationally and locally under a negative pledge like we do. No bank led to asks us for collateral to us. Shumitomo Bank of Japan, for example, funds us with $40 to $50 million without collateral.

    We are an owner-driven business that retains a lot of our profit and we pay our bills. For us, these are areas we pride ourselves in and because we have unlimited credit, it does not make us crazy enough to spend money like a child in a candy shop.

    So, frankly, liquidity is not a problem for us, our challenge is finding profitable businesses that we can nurture. We believe in slow and steady growth and we are not in a hurry to impress any man. We want to play in the first five of any area of business you find us in.

    As a pioneer in the automobile industry, why have you not pushed for the local manufacturing of cars?

    Locally manufacturing a car is a concept people have but they do not understand what it entails. It is a policy that should be driven by the state. The government must be prepared to industrialise Nigeria by providing power. God, when He decided to create this world, started by saying ‘Let there be light.’ Everything we need to empower this country is available but we need energy because it is an indispensible element of success.

    But with major players like you in this sector, can you not push government to promote industrialisation?

    Yes, we are approaching them and we have been singing this music. I am not involved in politics, so the leaders of this country must provide the enabling environment for industrial development and growth. Eighteen years ago, we went into Ghana to make investments and till today I have never bought a generator there. Their government did not push us to do it but we saw an opportunity, a service gap and as an entrepreneur, I chose to fill the gap. Money follows service.

    In Nigeria today, we have a 160 million workforce that do not have good jobs. In other words, there is a clear competitive economic labour cost. If they provide power, many companies that are running factories in other countries would want to come and take advantage of the competitive manpower so that they can beat their opponent in other climes. This is something we are not taking advantage of.

    Lagos State today asks us to provide capital contribution as what they call ‘thirty percent for infrastructural development’. Sometimes, it could be as much as N400 million. I just built an office in Lekki and we paid over N120 million to Lagos for ‘infrastructural development but I am putting the road in that place today. Lagos did not build any road there and we have sunk boreholes.

    If you want to do business in Nigeria today, you would have spent 40 percent of your capital that should have gone into production in providing infrastructure. These are hurdles that make businesses not to thrive.

    Why should we be focusing on building automobiles and airplane when we have climatic conditions that make farming profitable? We have very fertile ground that we are not developing. Calculate the amount of money we have spent importing rice and wheat. Why can we not grow these things here when nature and everything is in our favour and we have the competitive advantage?

    Go to Abuja and you will see banana that is imported from Cameroun. That is madness! The leaders do not see clearly what they need to do. They have mismatched priorities and we need to stop this idea of calling for the manufacture of cars. Let’s manufacture food first.

    I set up a motorcycle-roller-chain manufacturing industry in Maza-Maza that we shut down because I had to import power and import the diesel that would run the generator. When we finished, a guys who is going to buy this product is getting it from an importer at 40 percent cheaper than your cost price.

    Manufacturing is not a status symbol, it is an economic advantage. My machines are still there and they are not running anymore. I would have gone down to the village if I had continued with that manufacturing. You do not do things to make people happy and we are saying we should start automobile industry.

    With your constant reference to the food industry, are you planning to get involved in agriculture?

    Yes, we just acquired about 2,700 hectares of land in Anambra State. We plan to cultivate raw materials for the factory we want to set up. It is an agro-allied industry that should create about 3000 jobs when carried out successfully.

    People are importing palm oil in this country and it is a shame. Malaysia came to us to take the seedling for palm kernel and today contributes over 25 percent of their gross domestic earnings. In Nigeria, all of us are wearing white shirt and coming to Lagos to look for car manufacturing industry. We are not serious-minded people.

    Your business relationship with the Japanese is well, known but we have noticed your recent affinity for the Chinese, why the shift?

    I saw clearly that China is a sleeping giant that has woken up. I was a kid when the Japanese started their economic revolution and we used to laugh at them.

    I saw the Honda Civic for the first time and we used to mock it because it looked like a box but today they have taken the world by storm. However, the Japanese could not find their confidence as they would produce something and write ‘Made in England’ on their label. Over time, they have become known as the original while Taiwan serve as the fake version of the product, the same thing with China. But give China another 10 years and you will be amazed. China saw an advantage in Africa very early and the next world economic miracle is going to happen in Africa obviously.

    The West has reached their climax and their economy is not growing by anything more than two percent but the African economy is growing at about seven percent. Imagine this happening for the next ten years. Everybody is having Africa’s strategic programme in mind.

    If Nigeria’s economy keeps growing the way it is, by 2020 our economy will be bigger than South Africa and by 2050, if we maintain the same growth, we would have the twelfth richest country in the world.

    Once electric power is put in place, you will see unprecedented economic revolution taking place in this country. Look at what happened in the telecommunications sector. The capacity is there. Other countries are not giving birth to children the way we are. Africa is still producing babies like dogs.

    If we fix this country, people like me would be multi-billionaires because I have sachet water to sell to 300 million people. Even if I sell at N10, multiply it by 300 million people and you will know what I am sitting on. This is a goldmine, the Chinese know this and are planning for it.

    It will happen in your generation. I am sixty-four and in another six years, I will be seventy. If I am asking for 100 years that would be like asking for third-term but people like you can still get to benefit from it in your sixties or seventies.

    We have seen the gradual dominance of China in the African economic space, are they better allies than the United States and Europe?

    It all depends. You cannot say they are better allies because the biggest minus the Chinese have is the one of trust. No matter how big you are, you cannot access credit from China. They believe in cash transactions. As at today, whenever you want to do business with them, the Chinese want you to pay a deposit before the product is produced after which they will demand a cash balance. It is a policy that over a period of time, they will mature and change.

    Their government can give you some lease with stiff conditions but fellow business partners will not. China’s government may grant you some concession as long as you allow their citizen to come and work on the project. That is not even wrong because they are struggling to provide jobs for more than one billion people and these are things we do not do in Nigeria. We are busy trying to be our neighbours’ big brother.

    We are fighting up and down for Rwanda, Botswana and South Africa and we will never ask for anything in return. It is not how to live! Our leaders have not done well in those areas. We should not reach out without having a foothold in those economies because we help to liberate them and we spend our taxpayers’ money and sacrifice our lives for ‘good brother thing’ and come back. This is wrong and the Americans will tell you that there is no free lunch because they have interests to protect.

    You just talked about our issue with security; do you think Boko Haram should be granted amnesty?

    Their actions are illegal. Why are they asking for amnesty? If they drop their guns and stop killing people, government will stop going after them. Their leaders who are doing these things should leave the country because they have not done well. If you kill people with impunity, you should be brought to justice.

    Boko Haram is a man-made problem that is not different from the former militants in the Niger Delta. It is a political tool for some people. It is a problem for politicians and they will solve it because they are destroying the northern economy.

  • My married boyfriend told me that he can’t leave me for any other man

    Dear Sister Deola, good evening ma. You don’t know me but I have been a regular reader of your column for long. Please advise. I have a boyfriend that looks after me. I just found out he’s married and I wanted to leave him but he told me that he can’t leave me for any other man; that he’s going to marry me dandan (by force). I love him and he loves me but can I marry a married man?

    The fear of all women is the other woman and in this case, you’re the other woman. I have attended many ‘second-wife’ marriages and so, I cannot say if or not your man is lying that he wants to marry you. I know for sure that girlfriends eventually become second wives in some cases. Time will tell in your own case.

    I cannot stay here and say do not do it. You obviously are settled in this relationship and it is certain the man is carrying out duties towards you, which I cannot do for you if I ask you to leave him.

    If your religion is in life with polygamy, then, go for it if he is truthful about his intentions. If your parents are in support, then I have no say. But before I sign off your case, below are some articles I came across which you may learn one or two things from:

  • Affair survival: Tips for dating a married man by Kristen Houghton

    Affair survival: Tips for dating a married man by Kristen Houghton

    Perhaps the best advice you can give someone about having a relationship with a married man is telling her not to even start. However, that may not be practical for all women. As my friend Jenna* told me, “You can’t help who you fall in love with. The love of your life just might be a married man.”

    Being part of any couple can be challenging and unpredictable, as we all know. But when the man with whom you’re involved is part of another couple, someone else’s husband, then the challenge and unpredictability can make your life a messy, unhappy waiting game that you will rarely win.

    The woman who is in love with a married man lives a life that, for the most part, is shrouded in secrecy. Her close circle of friends might know about her affair, but she really cannot let anyone else, such as colleagues or her family, know. She is alone most of the time and spends it waiting: waiting for her married lover to call, to come meet her, to share some precious time together. She is not his wife, she is not mother to his children, she is not his parents’ daughter-in-law. Her chance for happiness hinges on a future that is highly uncertain, to say the least.

    Your own survival is crucial, and if you do happen to fall in love with a married man, there are several hard truths you need to know.

    1. The needs of the many (namely, his family) will always outweigh your needs.

    His family will always come first, and that includes his wife. Simply because he talks in a negative way about his marriage doesn’t mean that his obligations to his wife are any less important to him. Whether or not they have children is a moot point; he will always feel as if he has to be a husband to her and take care of the marriage, whether he truly loves her or not. Their life together includes friendships and a social network that is shared and comfortable for him. He won’t risk losing that.

    2. His life with you is secret and always will be.

    No matter how much you may want to walk in the sunshine with him and have him openly acknowledge his love for you, it won’t happen. While he is more than willing to be your lover and to bring you gifts, he is not about to have you meet his friends and risk having his family find out about you.

    3. No matter how nice a guy he is, you are a temporary diversion for him.

    This is not an easy statement to comprehend. It’s emotionally painful. Unfortunately it is true. The beginning of an affair is romantic and naughty at the same time. Planning to be together becomes a fascinating game and is thrilling to say the least. Stealing hours from work or home to have sex is exciting, and you may mistake his libido-driven passion for undying love. Don’t. The game soon becomes a chore for him, and romantic interludes are just one more thing he “has to do.”

    4. He will not leave his wife.

    Less than 5 percent of men leave their wives for the woman with whom they are having an affair. Whether it is because of all the legal and financial problems attached to divorce, religious beliefs or the fact that they have become comfortable with their marriage the way it is — or even because they still have a certain affection for their wives, men rarely end up with the other woman. Even Katharine Hepburn knew, and accepted, this fact during her long affair with Spencer Tracy. And don’t ever kid yourself on this important point: He is still having sex with his wife, no matter what you may want to believe.

    5. Legally, financially and emotionally, you have no claim.

    You may realize that you have no claim legally or financially, but you would think there’d be an emotional attachment or bond between you and your lover. In fact there usually isn’t after the affair is over. Here’s why. Even though he has a deep feeling of love for you, he is able to process it in an unemotional way. He’s not a bad guy, he may be a wonderfully kind person, but he is also a practical one. He knows that holding on to emotions that can only cause problems for his family is something he cannot and will not do. When it’s over, he will move on.

    To safeguard yourself from too much emotional pain, you need to understand that he can only be a small part of your life and will never be more than that no matter how many promises are made. You need to have a life that works and that is full enough to withstand the pain of the eventual breakup. He has one and you need one, too.

    A solid circle of friends and a social life separate from your hidden life with him is a necessity. Let your friends know that you still want to go out with them regularly. Don’t always be so ready to cancel plans you have made with others to accommodate him. Casual dating with male friends helps, too. It allows you to see yourself through the eyes of another man who finds you interesting and attractive. It is up to you where it might lead. It helps to remember that the man with whom you are intimately involved in “your other life” is not living as a monk with his wife.

    Being involved in an affair with someone else’s husband is an almost surefire trip from ecstatic highs at the beginning to a depressing abyss at the end. Understand the basics of exactly what you are getting into, and what your status is.

    You need to step back and identify the priorities — your priorities — in a relationship with a married man. Think with your head and not with your heart. Ensuring you have a life distinct from his that is your safe haven can make being the other woman, if not a secure, permanent position, at least one that is a bit more tolerable.

    Kristen Houghton is the author of the hilarious new book, No Woman Diets Alone – There’s Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut

     

  • My boyfriend releases inside me but am I still a virgin and can I get pregnant?

    My boyfriend and I make love but we do it on the surface of my vagina. I have never seen blood flow and when he releases inside, I take drugs to flush it out. Am I still a virgin and can I get pregnant? Mara from Delta.

    Dear Mara, are you the one fooling yourself that you’re still a virgin or is it your boyfriend that is deceiving you? You have taken play-play sex beyond the vagina and he comes with full force right inside you and you’re still asking if you’re still a virgin! Haba! You may soon become a virgin in the labour room o, if you don’t see a physician soon for the right contraceptives.

    By blood, I’m sure you think that because you haven’t seen any blood stain after sex, then it must mean you’re still intact. Na lie!

    Let me explain to you why women may or may not have blood stain after the first sexual intercourse.  The hymen is a piece of tissue that, during development, blocks some or all of the entrance to the vagina. It exists in many species, and scientists have no real understanding of its purpose in humans.

    Not every woman has the same type of hymen. In some women, the entrance to the vagina is mostly, or completely, unobstructed; in others, a condition called imperforate hymen can block the entire entrance so that not even menstrual blood can escape. There are, of course, variations in between.

     

  • How do I cope with my two boyfriends, each asking me to dump the other?

    How do I cope with my two boyfriends, each asking me to dump the other?

    Hi Mrs. Adeola, I am 17 and an undergraduate and I have two love partners. The first guy I met him since my primary school through my childhood friend and we started dating since 2007. He loves me very much but at times he will tell me that it is over between me and him and I’ll forget everything about him. If it passes; sometimes 2 or 3 months, he’ll still come back to apologise and I’ll accept him because I love him, but we broke up since June 16 2011.

    The second guy, I just met him last year July 29. He is based in Benin but my village is his maternal home. He said if I would be able to stay without another guy for 3 years that he will marry me. He is not much caring but I accepted him.

    My first date came back again to apologise and I accepted him again because he is caring, understanding and well-mannered. My first date is older than me with 4 years and the second date with six years. My first date is based in Umuahia with his parents and he is a student of Nnamdi Okpara. He is from the same community with me.

    My second date is based in Benin with his parents and also a student of National Open University of Benin but he is a jealous lover.

    As for me, I’m based in Port Harcourt and schooling there with my uncle and aunty. I am the last born of my family. Please I need help. My first date asked me to tell the other guy that it is over between me and him and my second date also asked me tell my long time date that it is over. Please I don’t know what to do. I need an advice to cope up with them. I reconciled with my first date on December 27 last year, but according my second date, he said he loves me very much but I don’t trust hm.

     

    Dear Girl, if you started playing love games with a boy at age 11, I expect that by now, you should have become a guru in the game of love. To my old-fashioned mind, you are wasting too much time with these guys. These are boys who probably just see you as a form of distraction while their parents ensure they get a get a good degree for a good future. Tell me, what do you expect from boys who still live under their parents, depend on them for food and pocket money and have everything mapped out for them? After their degrees, they still have to think of where to start from in this present day Nigeria, so wake up because you’re not even in the picture at all.

    You see, if at 17, you had told me you were just having your first boyfriend and having problems, I would know I was dealing with an innocent girl who truly needs guidance and I would have risen to the occasion. Instead, you’re that girl who spends too much time thinking about boyfriends and other unimportant things.

    Ask yourself, what profit have you gained from going from one of these boys to the other? Have you received any award so far? To make it worse, they have both turned you into their freebie game – tossing you here and there – and you probably think you’re really hot for two boys to be fighting over you. Forget it! These boys are just having fun at your expense.

    Be the good girl your uncle and aunty would expect you to be and face your studies. If you could give your studies the same amount of time you’re giving to these boys, you will have credits and awards worth celebrating.

  • ‘Open University not for distribution of degrees’

    ‘Open University not for distribution of degrees’

    Prof. Vincent Ado Tenebe is the second Vice Chancellor of the National Open University of Nigeria (NOUN). The professor of agronomy is saddled with the responsibility of changing the perception of Nigerians about the institution. It was during his tenure that the institution organised its first convocation ceremony and most of the courses offered by it accredited by the National Universities Commission (NUC). In this interview with Tony Akowe, Tenebe speaks about the challenges facing the institution and the plans to make it compete with its counterparts across the globe.

    You have been in office for about two years now as the Vice Chancellor of the National Open University of Nigeria. What have been the challenges of managing the institution?

    When I came into office, I met a lot of challenges and I knew from the very beginning that it would not be possible to solve all the problems. But I decided to focus on the key problems to ensure that the university gains the confidence of the people. Before I came in, even getting admission into the university was a big problem. We were faced with complaints from people buying forms and not getting admission, including people trying to indulge in some scam to get people admitted. So the first thing I did was to make sure that the admission was electronic. As I speak to you, you can walk into any of our four banks and purchase NOUN form. You will be given a pin code and then you can go on the internet and fill in your data and get your admission. That solves a lot of problems. There was also the problem of students who said they had been in the system for long without writing any examination, some people spend two to three years without writing any examination. When I came in, I made sure that we put a system in place, to the extent that we are now writing examinations regularly and the results are released without delay. We introduced the e-exam, whereby you can write your exam online and get the result immediately. The system will ask you whether you want to retake the paper if you couldn’t make it. We had the challenges of perception from some people who were saying that our programmes were not accredited and not recognised. Some didn’t even believe that we are an existing university. That was because for the almost eight years that the university was in existence before I came in, there was no any accreditation by the National University Commission (NUC). I made sure I prepared the university for accreditation. Last year, 30 out of our 31 programmes were accredited. We are working towards ensuring that the one programme that was not accredited is accredited. With the accreditation of our programmes, nobody should doubt whether we are doing the real thing or not.

    Many Nigerians are not conversant with the operations of the institution. What are you doing in this regard?

    I agree with you on that. We have the problem of advocacy and that is why there are still millions of Nigerians who don’t know that NOUN exists. That is why I have been trying my best to partner with the media to enlighten Nigerians. Nigeria is blessed with high population and there is no how we can educate the whole of this population using conventional system. We don’t have the materials and human resources to do that, but using the Open and Distant Learning which is the mode through which we operate, Nigeria would be able to accomplish this. This is because it has been proven in countries like China, India, United Kingdom and Indonesia that are highly populated that this system is working. So if we do it well, it will work. So I can say that within these few years, I have been able to bring the university to the confidence of Nigerians. I have been able to take the university to the international world. I have been able to prove that we can perform as any other conventional university or even better. We have even beaten conventional universities in this country in some programmes, So, I can say that even though we have not arrived yet, we are now on track.

    You have just enumerated some of your challenges and how you have been able to address some of them, how do you get funds to operate?

    Bringing finance as one of the challenges to problems is now old fashioned in the sense that I can tell you that finance is not the problem of Nigeria. Whether we like it or not, we have a lot of money in this country. Whether we like it or not, this country is rich compared to our neighbours. The problem with us is the management. How do we allocate this finance? How do we prioritise the use of this finance? So definitely I have the problem of finance, but I did not go singing the problem of finance as the first problem because even if the federal government gives half of its budget to NOUN and we do not plan how to use it, we will still be in problem just like the whole country is in problem because we have not prioritised our finances. You know that the education sector in this country is underfunded. It is not a hidden thing. It is something that the academia has been fighting for the past 25 years. No government has adequately financed education, but then we have to utilise what we have to get what we want. We don’t just sit down and say we don’t have enough finances; the question is what do you do with the meagre one you have? But honestly, if the government is able to finance education generally, we will have fewer problems because unless we solve the educational problems of this country, then all other problems will just follow.

    Most parents and even the younger people find NOUN unattractive and prefer to go to conventional universities where admission is often very difficult. Why is this so?

    It is because of ignorance. You know to accept change is difficult. This is a new system that is coming and you don’t expect the younger generation and even the older ones who are not used to Open and Distant Learning to grab it. To them, unless a student gets admission, goes to live in the hostel, goes to the classroom and all those routine, they will not believe they are students. But very soon, this will be the reversed just like it is in India and China. This is a system that will allow the young ones to come to the university full time like any other conventional university. Because we are flexible, we enable them to go out there and look for some means of sustaining themselves. More than half of Nigeria’s population is not in school, not because they don’t have the qualification, but because they don’t have the financial support. We have a lot of brilliant people whose parents are poor and cannot sponsor them to the university. So even if you have the admission and you don’t have sponsorship, you will sit at home. But the Open University system gives admission to you and we allow you to keep working and we even teach you how to work better without losing the quality in education. That is why in the UK, China and India, you will see young men and women go for Open University. Even if you give them admission into the conventional university, they will reject it because nobody can sustain them there as they have to be studying and fending for themselves.

    The law in conventional universities is that every student attains 75 percent class attendance before being allowed to write examination. What is the position in NOUN?

    In our system, there is nothing like 75 per cent of class attendance before you sit for exams. That is the requirement in the conventional system whether you are in the polytechnic or university or college of education. The system with these institutions is that if you don’t have 75 per cent class attendant, you cannot write exams. Here is a system that even if you have zero per cent attendance, you can write your examination. In the international world, the young men and women are after freedom, they don’t want anything that can affect their decision. This is the new thing that the Open University is bringing in and that is the change. This is a system that is democratising education, giving freedom and the world is going democratic now. So we democratise and demystify education. That is why with time, Nigerian youths will prefer the Open University system to the conventional system.

    Every Nigerian graduate within a specified age is expected to go for the mandatory National Youth Service Corp (NYSC). Have those you have graduated been mobilised for the NYSC?

    That is another challenge that we are fighting now. The NYSC Act and the laws that governs it, prescribes that if you are 30 and below, you go for NYSC. If you are above 30, you get an exemption letter. We are a special university, our case is peculiar. We are not just dealing with youths; this is a university for everybody – both the old and the young. There are people who are reading courses in NOUN, even though they are reading first degree, they are already graduates. In this university, I have seven Vice Chancellors of other universities including myself who are students. So you are already a graduate and you enrol into Open University to study Law, after you graduate from Law, you are not going to do NYSC again because NYSC is once.

    But we are also mindful of the youths who are coming fresh and that is why we have now reached an agreement with the Joint Admission and Matriculation Board (JAMB). The board has made it mandatory for us to pay for every graduate that is in the age of participating in NYSC so that they can send to NYSC. We have just done that, so all our graduates who are below the age of 30 will key into the NYSC system. I will also use this forum to tell the federal government that you do not deprive any graduate of Open University who is supposed to go for NYSC because if you do that you will be discouraging the youths from coming into the system. If you discourage them from coming to the Open University, you don’t have space for them in the conventional universities. If you don’t allow them to go to the conventional universities, you are building up a population of illiterates. When you build a population of illiterates, you build up crises in your society and then you have a time bomb.

    What is the carrying capacity of the Open University at the moment?

    That is another interesting aspect of our university. We are limitless, that is why we are called Open. Our capacity is at infinity. Open universities today can accommodate five million, 10 million students. As much as many are interested in acquiring education, we have the room for them. We are opened as wide as the capacity of this country. As I speak to you, the Open University of India has a student population of 3.8 million students. At the moment we are already at the capacity of 132,000 students. I want to assure you that in the next two sessions, we want to hit 500,000 students. My dream for the Open University is that in the next five years, we should have at least 1.5 million students. So there is no carrying capacity. This is the only university that has the mandate to admit as many students as possible because we have the technology to accommodate the academic need of these students. Open University is a peculiar and special university, designed to do this without undermining quality.

    Apart from former President Olusegun Obasanjo, how many prominent Nigerians have graduated from the institution?

    In our last convocation, we convoked 7, 222 students. I don’t have the statistics of earlier graduates before now. We don’t want to focus on prominent Nigerians alone because people may think it is a political university. We are more concerned about those in the rural areas. We are more concerned about those boys and girls in the streets. I have just told you that I have seven vice chancellors from other universities including myself as students of NOUN. I am a student of post graduate diploma in education. I have the Vice Chancellor of Berita University who is a student of Law; I have the Vice Chancellor of Nnamdi Azikiwe University, Awka, who is also a student of Law. I can tell you so many prominent Nigerians who are students of our university. The Awujale of Ijebu land, somebody who is 78 years old and has been on the throne for 52 years, is a student of 100 level Law in NOUN. The more than 22 Obas under his domain have also enrolled in NOUN just because the Awujale, the paramount ruler of Ijebu land, enrolled. The Emir of Bauchi has just filled in his form for admission; the Commissioner of Finance, Nasarawa State. Some people thought that NOUN came on board to distribute degrees or sell certificates. Until you come in, you discover that it is more difficult for you to pass exams in Open University than the conventional universities.

    We learnt that a group is kicking against the admission of your law graduates at the Nigerian Law School. How do you react to that?

    I am a man who wants to do things step by step. Because I am a scientist, I like convincing people practically by showing you. I do appreciate and respect the school of thought which said Open University Law graduates should not be admitted into the Law School. It is because they are not aware, so it is my duty to educate them and enlighten them because the beauty of Law is the fact that when you are arguing cases, you make reference to what has happened before. That is what gives a lawyer an advantage over the others in court. As I speak to you, the Open University of UK produces the best lawyers in the UK. This year we have 400 level Law students. Every year, the faculties of law of all universities in Nigeria have what they call “Moot Court Competition” where they argue cases and so on. The university that emerges winner at the end of the competition goes abroad to represent the country. This year they were about to do it and I asked my students to key in, but they said Open University is not recognised. I virtually lobbied for my students to participate. As I speak to you NOUN is the winner of that competition this year. Our students defeated all other Law students of conventional universities to emerge winner. So our Law students are going to the United States of America in April to compete among 80 other countries of the world. So when the time comes for the Council on Legal Education to admit our students to the Law School, the situation will speak for itself. We are using the same curriculum as given by NUC to all universities. I tell you that our students are far better than students of other universities because Law is studied based on experience.

  • The book that encourages women to use condom in sex outside marriage is causing problems between a wife and her husband

    The book that encourages women to use condom in sex outside marriage is causing problems between a wife and her husband

    We want you to help us resolve a matter. A wife told me that the husband doesn’t trust her. She said there was a book she had about marital ethics written by a pastor. In a portion of the book, the pastor supposedly advised married women to use condom in case they want to have affairs outside. And when the husband read it, he told her he hope she uses it (condom). She said she was shocked by the husband’s comment. She said that since then she has changed her attitude to him and they’ve been living like cat and rat. What is your take on that? – Victor.

    Dear Victor, if indeed there is a book like that, then it has the potential of surpassing the notoriety Salman Rushdie’s book, Satanic Verses. Really, I wouldn’t have wanted to waste time addressing this issue because I still find it difficult to believe that a pastor would publish a book encouraging sex outside marriage by advising that if it should be done, a condom must be used. But on a second thought, I’m going ahead to address it because so many things are happening now in the world of religion. Many heads of the different religions are losing it daily and so much sex is taking place in the secret. A friend told me just like week that the married head of her religious denomination gave her an appointment to meet him at a luxury hotel for the weekend. His wife has travelled for business and since he had been trying through gifts to get my friend’s attention (and she too had been accepting with joy), he felt it was time to cement the relationship. She didn’t find the invitation funny and wanted to embarrass him by informing other members. She came to me to see if I could help publish the drama if she carried out her plan. I advised her against embarrassing the man, and instead put a call to him man to desist from practicing his fantasies on members whom he was supposed to lead to God. So such religious leaders are everywhere, but writing a book and trying to put a stamp on adultery is crazy!

    On your friend’s issue, I guess the husband is just being too reactive in this matter. Yes, it might have shocked him that his wife could be reading a book like that. Maybe things would have been different if she had called his attention to that controversial portion of the book and they had discussed it together. Maybe the husband is acting the way he is doing she didn’t show much disdain for that portion and in any given relationship, an I-don’t-care attitude to issues of cheating, even in a joking way, gives a wrong impression.

    Your friend has to have a talk with her husband and let him know where she stands on the issue of sex outside marriage. She has to make him know that she doesn’t support extra-marital affairs condom or no condom and if there are things she’s doing to make the husband suspicious, she should stop them. She was the one who brought the book; she should be the one to tear all forms of suspicions from the man’s mind. As for the book, can I have its title and probably a copy?

    I may be able to see if or not the pastor is being quoted out of context or not.