Category: Weekend Treat

  • Must know facts about sex

    Unless you want to get pregnant, and you shouldn’t want this if you are a teen, birth control is a must.

    The only protection against STIs for sexually active people is a barrier method lik2e a condom. This is a safe sex must even if you are using something else for birth control.

    Oral sex is still sex and some STIs, including HIV and AIDS, can be transmitted orally. A barrier method, like a condom or dental dam, must be used for this type of sex as well.

    If your partner is under the age of consent, intoxicated or under the influence of drugs, pressured or threatened in any way, or asks you to stop at any point, you CAN NOT legally engage in sex. Any or all of these scenarios could result in your being charged with rape.

    You can get pregnant or catch an STI the very first time you have sex, even if you use protection. It is always a risk.

    Birth control and STI protection must be used properly to be effective.

  • East-West Road: suffering without end

    A friend of mine who travelled recently on the East-West road came back with nothing but tales of woe. “That road is terrible! That such a vital road is in such bad state is a shame!” she had declared, with a hiss.

    Her experience mirrors that of many other travelers on that road. Last year, a colleague, who was unlucky enough to travel on the road during the flooding that swept through many states in that part of the country, narrowly escaped drowning on the road. She stated that the water level was so high, it nearly reached up to her neck. “Many vehicles were stuck and passengers had to resort to wading through the water while others continued their journey by canoe,” she narrated.

    The East-West road, which links the key oil-producing states of Delta, Rivers and Bayelsa, is of vital economic and social importance in that region. Before the road was constructed sometime in the 80s, travelers to Edo and Delta states had to go through Owerri, Onitsha and on to Asaba, Benin, Warri and other parts of the region. It was a long, tedious journey that could take a whole day but the East-West highway shortened the journey by many hours.

    Indeed, when the road was still in a motorable state, a man could travel from Port-Harcourt to Warri, do his business and return home the same day and still have time to attend to other things. The unfortunate inter-tribal crises between the Itsekiri, Urhobo and Ijaw tribes that erupted in Warri in the late 1990s caused a large number of residents to migrate from the oil city to Port-Harcourt which was deemed safer. Many have not returned till date. What happens is that they work in Port-Harcourt during the week and travel to Warri to visit family and friends at weekends, something made possible by the road.

    From all this, one can see how vital that road is to the region and it’s one highway in the country that should be well-maintained at all times. But that has not been the case. For years, the poor state of the road has been of major concern to motorists. In the past, before the dualisation of the road began, many portions regularly failed. This was attributed by experts to the terrain of the area rather than poor construction or traffic volume. They could be right. The road lies mostly in swampy, water logged terrain especially the portion between Sagbama (in Bayelsa) and Patani (in Delta). Besides, it runs through thick, primordial jungle that looks untouched by man since creation and looks filled with all kinds of wild animals.

    A few years ago, when the newly created Ministry for the Niger-Delta took over the road and began dualising it, many Niger-Deltans and others who ply the road, were happy that their suffering would soon be over. As things turned out, their joy was short lived. Now the road is nearly impassable and making a journey on it is like being on the highway to hell. It’s that bad. And it keeps getting worse yet the government remains indifferent to the plight of the people. As someone pointed out the other day, they don’t care because many top government officials and their cronies don’t travel by road but fly around in helicopters and private jets.

    All we keep hearing is that multi-billion naira contracts have been awarded to contractors to work on the road. Well, from all indications, they must be ghost contractors because nobody seems to see them on site doing any work. I passed that road in December last year and there was no single workman on site. So, what is really going on? That is a question the ministry under the watch of Elder Godsday Orubebe, who incidentally is from the region, need

    to answer.

    Nigerians are tired of bad, unmotorable roads everywhere. Infact, the state of our roads, highways and other infrastructure, has been likened to that of a country just emerging from the ravages of war. We might not have fought any war since 1970 when the civil war ended but not every war involves guns, bombs, scud missiles and other weapons of mass destruction. A different kind of ‘war’ which has claimed the lives of thousands if not millions of the nation’s citizens and impoverished a large majority, is going on in the country. It’s called corruption, which has been declared on the people of this country by its leaders. Corruption has turned our roads to death traps, made our hospitals hostile places, schools that are unsuitable for learning, made millions live in decrepit houses and unhealthy environments and others go to bed hungry, created a vast army of jobless youths who roam the streets daily in search of non-existent jobs with no hope in sight…

    While the civil war ended after six years of hostilities, this present war is one that has no end in sight. Will it ever end so that Nigerians can live well and enjoy their God-given resources without most of it being stolen? Only time will tell…

  • Why not to fall in love at 18 years old

    Falling in love just happens. No one really means it to, but it does. When you are 18 years old, you still have a lot of life ahead of you. There are many reasons why you should not fall in love at such a young age. You may think you are in love, but love is much more than we know about at that age.

    Love involves more than the butterflies in your stomach. It isn’t the feeling of not wanting to be apart from the person for five minutes and it is not the feeling of sitting on the edge of the seat waiting for a phone call. Love is far from those things and you don’t learn about those things until you are older.

    People are consistently learning about what the word love is. When you are 18, it isn’t likely that you have dealt with half of what love means. Love means being there through everything. Loves is the willingness to stick with the person you are with through your disagreements. It means that you will be understanding when they make an error that seems impossible to forgive. Love is about being there when the other person gets so sick they can’t walk. Love is about accepting every part of that person for who they are and what they are. The butterflies in your stomach won’t survive that type of love.

    Long after the butterflies have flown away, you will be left with a different feeling. The feeling will let you know that this person matters to you through anything that is thrown your way. When you fall in love, you can’t just walk away from it because you don’t feel the butterflies anymore.

    When you are 18 years old, you are more selfish. That isn’t meant in a bad way. It simply means that you are more focused on you than you are on other people and their needs. That isn’t love and you have to be able to distinguish between love and that other feeling that only lasts for a fleeting moment.

    You have an entire life in front of you to meet the right person. You will fall in love at some point. Maybe you think that you have already been in love. You may have been disappointed by some of those loves. However, it isn’t likely that you will continue to love your first love in the same way you love the person you actually end up spending your life with.

    The meaning of love changes as you grow older. You become more mature and you know more about what you want. Don’t rush into a relationship that will probably end up fading away in a short time. Go for the relationships that will have long lasting meaning. It is more important to give love than it is to receive it. Giving love means that you have put your whole self into it.

    Don’t fall in love at age 18. You have a long time to worry about such things. There are things for you do to like going to college. There are adventures to enjoy and a life to live. Live your life now and worry about love later on. Love doesn’t go anywhere if it is really love.

  • The contract (2)

    After my boss had talked for a while about the terms of the proposed marriage between us, I remained silent, too stunned to say anything. ‘What kind of bizarre proposal is this?’ I thought, watching him as he continued to eat and drink as if everything was normal.

    But what was normal about a man asking you to marry him yet with so many strange terms attached to it, in a so- called contract? Back in my hotel room later that night, my mind mulled over his words.

    “After our wedding, we’ll live together like a normal couple, except for one thing: there will be no intimacy between us. We will stay in separate bedrooms. Also, we can’t have children. We can always adopt if you care so much about having children, but we can’t have kids of our own.” He paused for a while before continuing. “This arrangement will initially last for seven years. If at the end of that period, you choose to end the marriage, you will be paid a substantial amount of money that will set you up for life. If you choose to stay with me for life, then you will be my sole heir. You will inherit all my money, properties and other assets.” Then looking keenly at me, he added: “Another thing, though we can’t sleep together, that doesn’t mean you can keep lovers outside our marriage. If I find out you are having affairs, I will immediately terminate the contract, throw you out and you will be left with nothing.”

    My initial reaction was to say; “Hell, no! No way will I marry you on those terms!” But as if reading my mind, he quickly stated:

    “I won’t blame you if you run away now and never want to see me again. But, Amanda, think of the bright side of things. If you accept this proposal, you will benefit immensely. All my wealth and resources will be at your disposal. You will live a life of immense luxury beyond your dreams and never lack for anything. Designer clothes, expensive jewelry, holidays anywhere in the world, just name it. All these and more will be yours. I will also take very good care of your family and they will never lack for anything. Think about it…”

    So, that night, I sat for a long time thinking. In all my 28 years on earth, I had heard a lot of strange things but this must be the weirdest of all. What kind of union would that be if the couple involved can’t sleep together, have children and other things that come with marriage? Besides, what kind of man was my boss that he would make such a proposal? Was he in a cult or what? There were tales of some men who join cults or some societies who had to abstain from certain things. Was my boss involved in a cult? Was that the source of his wealth at such a relatively young age?

    And why me? With all the ladies out there, many of whom threw themselves at him, why did he pick me? He couldn’t be in love with me as he said he did not believe in such things. And how did I feel about him? I liked my boss and if circumstances had been different, he was the kind of man I could love and cherish. But he did not want my love. All he needed was a wife in name only. It was as simple as that. Was I ready to commit myself to such a cold-blooded arrangement? How would I cope in a marriage without love and affection from my husband?

    It took me all of two weeks to reach a decision. It was solely made by me as I did not confide in any one including my mother. I knew she would not approve of such a marriage despite all the perks that came with it.

    But watching her one evening at home as she struggled to get up from her bed, to use the bathroom, I knew I had to do something. The sickness had made my mother become lean and weak. The once vibrant woman who was so hardworking and full of life was gone. In its place was a weak, pitiable figure I could barely recognize. It was obvious she needed very good medical care which I could not provide with my wages alone. My beloved mother who had sacrificed so much for me and my younger brother was fading away before my eyes. I couldn’t just watch her die.

    “You’ve made the right decision, Amanda. You will not regret the step you have taken today,” my boss stated when I told him later that week I would marry him.

    “I will take good care of you and ensure you lack nothing,” he assured me. It was closing time and most of the workers had left. We were alone in his office.

    “If you say so, sir,” I stated quietly.

    “Just call me Bennie. We will soon be husband and wife so don’t you think it sounds silly for you to be calling me, sir?” he said in a teasing tone.

    I smiled and called his name for the first time…

     

    Meeting Max

    After our wedding, Bennie kept to his promise about taking care of me. It was like he could not do enough for me. He showered me with all sorts of expensive gifts and ensured I lacked nothing. He also took care of my mother’s health. When the doctors he consulted advised she should be taken abroad for treatment, Bennie made all the arrangements and had her flown to the U.S. My younger brother, Johnnie went with her so she could have a familiar face around her.

    I had to resign from my job after we got married as my husband didn’t want me to continue working.

    “I don’t like the idea of my wife working in the same office with me,” he stated.

    I needed something to do to keep busy as I hated staying idle. So I told him about having a boutique where I could sell top quality clothing items for women. He agreed and gave me the money to start off the project. Everything went well and in a few months, I was the proud owner of a classy boutique and store in a choice part of town. It quickly became popular among the chic, sophisticated ladies in town due to the kinds of goods I stocked. Money rolled in and I couldn’t be happier. Though Bennie provided well for me and gave me lots of money even without my asking, I felt a certain satisfaction in having my own income.

    Life was good and at this stage, I had no regrets about marrying Bennie. Okay, there were certain things lacking in our marriage. There was no romance, passion or sex. But I convinced myself that there was more to life than all that. Afterall, I had gained so much from the union so if not having a love life was the sacrifice I had to make for all the material blessings that had come my way, then so be it. I bet you must be thinking at this stage that I was one cold-hearted woman.

    Don’t get me wrong. As a young, healthy lady, I had normal desires and needs but I was also a pragmatist who liked to face the realities of life. Having struggled so much in life, it would have been stupid of me to give everything up for the sake of love and romance. At this stage, I had convinced myself I could live like a nun as long as my mother was well and alive and I had all the comfort I needed.

    That was what I told myself and things would have continued this way if fate had not intervened in the form of Max. He had come to the store one afternoon. Some of my shop assistants had gone out to eat as it was their break time. I was standing at the shoe section, taking stock of the items there when a voice spoke behind me.

    “Please, could you tell me the colour of shoe that will match this bag?” He held up a brown leather bag. It was an expensive designer one, the type I usually reserved for my well-heeled customers.

    I studied the bag for a minute then glanced at the stack of shoes on the racks.

    Picking up a high-heeled pair in the size he wanted, I gave themr5r5r5r5r5r5r5 to him.

    “I think this will go well with the bag,” I stated.

    He thanked me and left. After he had paid at the cashier, he came over to where I was arranging some clothes on a rack. He thanked me again for helping him make the right choice.

    “It’s a birthday gift for my younger sister. You women can be so fussy over the right colors that match and so on.”

    “I’m sure she will like the gift,” I stated, smiling at him.

    Then he asked:

    “Are you a sales girl here?”

    I looked at him coolly for a while before telling him I owned the place.

    “Is that so? You look rather young to have such a big, classy place like this. Your parents must be rich,” he noted. I laughed at that.

    “Actually, it’s my husband who is rich,” I told him.

    “Husband?” he stated, a look of disappointment in his eyes…

    •To be continued

     

    •Don’t miss the rest of Amanda’s story next Saturday!

    •Send comments/advice to 08023201831(sms only) or psaduwa@yahoo.com

  • Oh teen love and sex!

    I was busy checking out some important products for the office last week when this text below came in:

    ‘Good day. I saw your column and I felt I should say something. Gone are the days when 16-year -olds are meant to carry Bibles on their heads. These days, 16-year-olds now think differently and they are very emotional. I was once at that age and it wasn’t easy at all because people like you refused to see that grown part of the young ones. Fine, their priority should be their books; most times it is just that part of them refuses to die especially when they are already in the university. So since you are given the opportunity to talk to those young ones, try to put yourself in their minds and condition, not just as a senior but as a friend because they must have mothers before asking you, so don’t act as a mum.’ -07036561623.

    I called the caller immediately and we chatted for a while. I tried to make her see things from my own perspective. First of all, I wouldn’t put myself in the position of a friend to youths who may go astray when they are not guided correctly. If they consider me their mother, then I must play that part.

    Your friends are people you share all manner of secrets with and they are expected to laugh with you and encourage you, while your mother’s role is to point the dangers out to you.

    Yes, the days are past gone when teenagers knew very little about stolen sex. But we all can see the negative result of too much freedom for youths. The same way we cannot say that because people are taking drugs anyway, so it should be legalized is the same way we cannot say because some youths are toying with love and sex, so it should be tolerated.

    As usual with handling most issues on this page, I went in search of what I always call superior reasoning to see if I may have been too old-fashioned in some of the things I say to our modern youths. I found out that even in more advanced climes, issues of teenage love and sex is still a source of concern. I came back with the pieces below, which would make us see the minds of reasonable people on our subject matter.

    I’m sorry, the questions and answers would be back next week. Have a wonderful weekend as you read through.

    Teen dating: A mom’s guide

    Everything has changed. What you must know and do to protect your child.

    Remember sitting by the phone, waiting for a boy to call and ask for a date? Then waiting for him to come to the house to pick you up? Well, get over it – dating is different now. “Even the concept of dating is outdated,” says Beth-Marie Jelsma, a psychotherapist in Rochester, New York.

    Kids still start pairing off around the same age (between 12 and 14, with more serious relationships usually reserved for the later teen years), and parents still worry about them experimenting with sex. But these days, there’s even more reason for concern. “Kids almost seem to be running the bases backward,” says Marisa Nightingale, of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, referring to the new sexuality. How do you help your child navigate this complicated world? The first step is to understand it.

    Teens go out in groups

    The groups themselves aren’t necessarily a problem-they give teens the opportunity to develop friendships with lots of people, and they take away the strangeness that kids might feel when they’re alone on a date. But peer pressure can be much stronger in a group. If a lot of kids are doing something questionable, the few who feel it’s wrong may have trouble speaking up. That’s where you come in: Be sure to talk to your child often about what your expectations are, whether they concern sex or drinking or relationships. And ask your teen to think about what she would do if she weren’t in a group, says Sabrina Weill, author of The Real Truth About Teens and Sex. “Say to her, ‘If nobody was drinking a beer, would you? If nobody your age was having sex, would you?’”

    Kids have sex in the afternoon

    Teens aren’t pairing off just in the evening; they’re also hanging out together right after school. The hours between 3:00 and 6:00 p.m., when many parents are still at work, are prime time for trouble. Researchers at the RAND Corporation have found that teens are more likely to have sex when there is less after-school supervision. So if your daughter is home when you’re not, show up unexpectedly on occasion or ask a friendly neighbor to check up on her.

    Kids make dates by cell phone

    Chances are you won’t hear the phone ring-and you won’t get to chat (even briefly!) with your kids’ friends when they call. Tami Beck, a mother of two in Shawnee, Kansas, remembers when a boy came to pick up her 15-year-old daughter and called from the driveway.

    “He pulls in and gets on his cell phone and says, ‘I’m here,’” Beck recalls. “I said to my daughter, ‘Tell him he needs to come in. Your parents want to meet him.’” And to make sure their kids end up where they say they’re going to be, some parents insist their kids call home by landline to confirm their whereabouts using caller ID.

    Kids also use their cell phones to spread the news about parties. Beck demands that her daughter turn off her cell at 10:30 on weeknights and at midnight on weekends (before this, calls were coming in as late as 5:00 a.m.!). If you’re concerned about calls your kid is making, another strategy is to use shared minutes on family plans; that way, you can scrutinize the phone bills. (Also, be sure you know the numbers of your child’s friends.)

  • The most important things teens should know about sex

    For teens, the mere thought of sex can be overwhelming. There is so much to think about, so much to worry about, and so much that can go wrong. Whether you are sexually active or not, knowing the facts about what sex is, and what it is not, is very important.

    Sex is…

    •Both physical and emotional in nature

    •Risky; you can get pregnant, catch a sexually transmitted infection, have your heart broken or your ego bruised, or feel let down and disappointed when it is over

    •A milestone; you only get one chance to lose your virginity

    •Sensitive; be sure that the timing is right for you and your partner

    • not to be taken lightly or treated as recreation

    • best when it is a personal expression of caring between two people

    • messy and full of strange, sometimes embarrassing noise

    Sex is not…

    • a way to make somebody love you or make a commitment to you

    • a test of your love for your partner

    • a measure of how mature or grown up you are

    • a good way to get back at your parents or assert your independence

    •a leisure activity

    •always fun or enjoyable, sometimes you will wonder if it was really worth it

    Remember, when you have sex for the wrong reasons you hurt yourself!

    Being sexually active

    If you are sexually active there are some important things you should know about the sex act itself. There is so much more to think about than whether or not you are doing it right but this is the thing people tend to worry about the most. Rest assured that there really is no right or wrong way to have sex.

    When it comes to se one thing that people should think about but rarely do is the law. There are age of consent laws surrounding how old you have to be in order to have sex and what constitutes consensual sex. There are even laws about the kind of sex acts you can engage in.

  • ‘Drugs, not religion, is Nigeria’s problem’

    ‘Drugs, not religion, is Nigeria’s problem’

    Professor Ishaq Oloyede is the Coordinator and Executive Secretary of Nigerian Inter-Religious Council (NIREC). In this interview with Kazeem Ibrhaym, the former Vice Chancellor of  the University of Ilorin insists that Nigeria’s problem is not Christianity or Islam. For him, what is necessary for the adherent of the religions is to tolerate each other and fight drug addiction, violence, bombings and killings.

    What is NIREC set up to achieve?

    The Nigerian Inter-Religious Council (NREC) is a non-governmental organisation (NGO) established by the Nigerian Supreme Council of Islamic Affairs (NSCIA) and the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) with the support of the federal government. We have as co-chairmen the Sultan of Sokoto, Alhaji Sa’ad Abubakar and the President, Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor.

    The meeting of the Council from 1999 when it was established up to 2004 were normally held in Abuja. However, in the last three years, the present leadership took the decision of moving the meeting from one geopolitical zone to the other to impact positively on the adherents of our two principal religions and to further sustain religious understanding, peaceful co-existence and promotion of ethical values and good governance. Meetings have been held in Enugu in February 2008, Maiduguri (May 2008), Kano (November 2008). The first and second quarters were hosted by Plateau State (May 2009), the third one was hosted Rivers State (August 2009) while the last quarter was hosted by the FCT (December 2009). We have also been to Bauchi, Sokoto, Oyo and last year in Kwara State.

    The meeting is aimed at addressing among other things the security situation in the country. But I must also let you know that NIREC has as its objectives to honestly and sincerely create fellowship between Moslems and Christians, create a sustainable channel of communication and interaction across religious lines, to promote moral, ethical and social values of our respective religious traditions, provide a forum for mutual cooperation and promotion of the welfare of citizens, to serve as an avenue for articulating cordial relationship among the various religious groups and between the religious communities and the political leadership.

    Why Christians, Moslems must tolerate one another

    We have found ourselves in the same boat; even if you don’t like the other religion what can you do? You start to fight that you don’t want that religion, either Islam or Christianity; then you become the poorer.

    This is exactly what some people are doing that we say is not good., So if you find yourself in the house, the least you can do; if one is responsible and sensible is to tolerate each other. Tolerance is not good but it is better than intolerance. I believe none of you is tolerating money because you like money and when a person says I am tolerating my spouse that marriage is at the verge of collapse. I think what we want is not even tolerance which is the least, it is understanding, you understand why this is this and therefore, you can say I am a Moslem. You should know why I am a Moslem. You are a Christian, I should know why you are a Christian; and when you take an action, I will know that because my friend is a Christian, he must go to church on Sunday. Oh my friend, who is a Christian must pay one tenth of his salary to his church and therefore I don’t need to ask him to account for one hundred percent of his salary. So for a Moslem he must account for 99 percent of his money. You know in Islam, adherents pay 1/40 of net income as Zakat. So understanding requires we know Christians pay 10 percent as tithe while Moslems pay 1/40 as Zakat. We must realise that 90 percent of us are what we are because of the training and where we are born. If you are from Akwa Ibom and you go there to deliver a baby and one woman from Jigawa also goes there to put to bed and the nurse makes a mistake to swap the babies; what would happen? The Jigawa woman will go home with an Akwa Ibom child while the Akwa Ibom woman would go home with the Jigawa child, then as the children grow up they will be thinking they are from where they are told they come from. So, the Akwa Ibom child taken to Jigawa will become a Moslem and the Jigawa child in Akwa Ibom will become a Christian. And when people here begin to fight Hausa, he will be also say we don’t want Hausa; not knowing Hausa blood flows in him. So, the point we are making is that some of these things we now capitalise on are mere accidents and you can become anything by anything .

    If just a nurse makes the mistakes, then you from Akwa Ibom becomes an Alhaji, when you could have become a Bishop. You become a Hausa when you could have become an Igbo or Akwa Ibom person. But we lay undue emphasis on things that are primordial. Now if this country is in trouble today, the pastor and the imam will meet at a point that they will be sitting together, not only in the same house but in the same room.

    In any case, if God had wanted all of us to be Christians we would have been. If He had wanted all of to be Moslems, we would have been.

    On how NIREC has nipped many crises in the bud

    Somebody asked whether NIREC has any value at all with the spate of insecurity in the country, but I think the question we should ask ourselves is if there had been no NIREC, where would we have been? There are so many crises that NIREC has solved that you do not know about. It is the few crises you know about that you believe are too many and that is why you are asking what NIREC is doing. It is like asking us what the security agencies are doing; what are the courts doing when there are still crimes. When people are still committing crime should we abrogate the police, courts judiciary and the prisons service? But if you abrogate those departments, it is then you will know that they have been providing us with succour. I believe it is a challenge to NIREC to do more.

    What is NIREC doing to curb insecurity in the country?

    I think because you have not taken pains to look at the other side; to say if there had been no NIREC, if Christians are left on their own in this country, Moslems are left on their own and there is no way of their coming together to discuss, even if to disagree, then things would have been worse than it is. In any case, when you talk of insecurity, Boko Haram and all other crises you have related to religion as destructive as they are; even without them we still have insecurity. Insecurity is a global issue and it rears its head under any excuse. It might be religion; it might be economic. To me, if you ask me, we are only treating the symptom. We are not treating the real issue. I believe the real problem with us in this country, whatever might have been the reason, is drugs. Most of our youths across the country are acting under the influence of drugs and it is a problem we have to face but we are shying away from calling a spade a spade. When somebody is addicted to drug, that is when he can become an armed robber, or any evil doer. When you see armed robbers being arrested, and you ask them how much were you given, they say N20,000 or N30,000. They talk about money that will make you ask why should somebody decide to kill himself in the process of carrying out such dastardly act. More often than not, he or she is not in his right sense and this is the product of drug.

    In some southern American countries, you know what’s happening; how drug cartels have formed themselves and they are waging war against their society. I believe NDLEA/NAFDAC and other agencies would have a lot to do to solve this issue. My own position is that we must find our youth doing drugs and try to re-orientate and rehabilitate them. Today if you tell somebody you are going to a particular part of this country, they would say you would be kidnapped or armed robbers will attack you; while in another part they will say some religious fanatics can attack you. We are just having different shades of a problem and unfortunately for us, rather than collectively facing the problem we are pursuing shadows, and that is why we now say this one is from this zone, this one is from that zone, and politicians bring this up. As far as insecurity is concerned, NIREC is doing what is can and will continue to do more.

    On the polio crisis in the North

    It is very sad that people who are engaged in rescuing our future, like those nurses were killed in Kano. It is very unfortunate but if you ask us what we are doing on polio, I will tell you that NIREC members are on the National Committee Against Polio. The Emir of Bama in Borno State and one other person are on the committee. And last month they held a meeting in Abuja where they decided on the next phase; just as the governors were meeting to do this. We are doing our best but we are not Ministry of Health; so we are just an NGO. But for your information, before you start asking questions on what NIREC should do that is has not done, NIREC is not a government agency, NIREC is an NGO. We do not control the police, to say go and arrest Mr. ‘A’ or leave Mr. ‘B’. We are just like an NGO making our contributions to peaceful co-existence. So it is unfortunate that what happened in Kano happened but anybody who knows the history of polio vaccination in the North would know that it is a struggle that has been on. A lot of information is going out, re-orientation is taking place. It is, in fact, getting better but it is not good enough and that is why we are having this unfortunate incidents.

    On alleged denial of Certificate of Occupancies to Churches in the North

    We have heard of such cases and we have intervened. Unfortunately, for us in Nigeria, we have this persecution syndrome. If you take a Yoruba man to tell the history of Nigeria, he will just start the story from when Awolowo was imprisoned, that Hausa and some people connived together and Awolowo was jailed. If you asked a Hausa to tell you the problem of Nigeria, he will start with the assassination of Tafawa Balewa and Co. He will say that one day they just woke up to discover the Igbo eliminated them.

    If you ask an Igbo man to tell you the story, he is going to tell you about the killing of Aguiyi Ironsi and how they wanted to send the Igbo away from the North. Everybody picks what is suitable for him to anchor on; not giving the whole picture. He just gives what is convenient for him.

    I do not know of any major town in the North where you do not have up to 500 churches. I do not know of any town in the North where you can travel for one kilometre before you get to a church. It is unfortunate that in Nigeria we emphasise only the negative. For everyone man in the North that is denied C of O there will be 50 that have been granted. It is not good to deny but what we are saying is that it is not as if you cannot build churches in the North or you cannot build mosque in the South. Please when there are cases of aberration, let’s treat them as aberrations and collectively fight them.

    We have more than 250 ethnic groups in this country and they have been fighting one another before Islam and Christianity came and they are still fighting, but religion has reduced it to two or three. It is human to have differences and when you have differences you solve them.

    On how drug encourages crime

    Government knows who the Boko Haram people are; they can’t tell us that they don’t know them. They are in their custody; they should make them available to us to interact with them. We want to interact with them so that we can make sense out of their nonsense. So I want to say that as terrible as the Boko Haram episode is, I don’t see it as the major issue. I see the major issue that we are not attacking as drugs. What leads somebody to Boko Haram or kidnapping is drugs.

    Some people say poverty is the problem, yes, that may be part of the problems but I think the issue is madness induced by drugs. Majority of our youth across the country are now involved in drugs. Let me give you an example, in the North where you say they are Almajiri, go and see the amount of cough syrup that are being sold in the North, they are being used as drugs. The truth is that we are in for a serious problem of drugs. Our people are getting addicted by the day, some unconsciously. Go to the North, the people you claim are poor, you see them going to get excreta of certain reptiles in the house wrap it and use as drugs. They use gum, rubber from vulcaniser as drug. They are very cheap to get.

    Rather than facing those problems, we are now facing the externalities of the problem by saying it is Boko Haram, kidnapping and so on. Go and interview those people and you will find that they are not themselves, they are acting under certain influences and certainly that influence is drugs.

    Terrorism is a worldwide phenomenon, people look for any reason to terrorise. If here those who are attacking us across religions are using platform of Islam to say Boko Haram, Moslems have told you clearly that they are not Moslems. Islam does not teach or send anybody to go and kill. We also have cases of people using the name of Christianity to do what is unchristian. So I think we must collectively fight those who are bastardising the names of our religions.

    Major success of NIREC

    I must tell you that since 1999 till date, NIREC has been a major success of providing a platform for communication at the highest level of these religious bodies.

    If any problem is linked to religion today, the Sultan will not start looking for the CAN’s president number to call him. They interact almost on a daily basis. We are meeting here now and part of what we are going to discuss is how to rescue the two religions from the problem of the secularists who are daily attacking religion as if religion is the problem. It is when religion survives that there will be Christianity and Islam. But today what we are having is that people think religion is the problem. And that is why when 419 people were buying aircrafts and jets there was no problem but immediately religious people started buying jets, they started attacking and saying even they are buying jets, as if they are born to suffer. So the point we are making is that religious people as religious people have problem internally and externally but NIREC has provided a platform for us and we have been using that platform effectively. There are a few cases which we were unable to manage properly, then you see the effect, you now say what is NIREC doing. If you know what we settle at the level of NIREC you will be amazed.

    At ABU Zaria, in the last two years there has been the conflict on providing land for a church. They said a new land was given at Kongo but the Christian community wanted another one and Moslems said no, it is close to the mosque. We have been on it and we are trying to settle and when we settle that and it does not become a national problem you won’t know. But if it goes out of hand it is that one you will know. Please know that there are so many problems we are solving. One of our success stories is unity, you may not know; because you think we are disunited.

    How NIREC is fighting corruption

    You asked why we are talking only to poor people to stop corruption and wondered why we are not talking to rich people. The truth is that we talk to the big people as we talk to the so-called ordinary citizens. The truth of the matter is that NIREC, almost every year makes position paper available to the big people. Recently one of the co-chairmen said we have told the president what to do about X or Y. We keep on talking and we continue to talk. Just as most of the parents talk to their children, yet some of them go astray, we continue to talk, preach and appeal to them but their non-compliance is not a proof of our inactivity.

    The challenge of NIREC

    I think the greatest challenge we face is how to bring down prejudice. People have fixed positions. Many people believe that in some parts of this country you are not safe because they slaughter human beings and eat them. It is something that has been passed from one generation to the other. Some people say that some groups in this country are homosexuals. Some people believe so many funny things. The primacy of the individual is what is important. Until you live with the person, don’t make up your mind against the person. My own take is that Lagos created some of these prejudices we carry along because it is in Lagos you have all kinds of people. They are just beer parlour jokes that people have now developed into monsters and unless we work very hard, we will continue to have the problem. But let me say here that whether you are a Christian or Moslem and if there is a fine girl you are running after, you won’t ask her religion. When you go to Corporate Affairs Commission and you want to register your business, go and see that Alhaji and Bishops co-own companies at that time they don’t care whether you are a Christian or Moslem. But when it comes to issue of welfare, people start segregating among themselves. In Ilorin where I live, there are sections where they say they are the real indigenes; you have some that are second class indigenes. In Lagos, not all Yoruba can beat their chest and say they are from Lagos; they will stone them.

    If you go to the East, they have free -born and slaves. So the point I am making is that we have so many reasons to be different but let us work together for the sake of the country.

  • Society and its obsession with paper qualification (2)

    For a well educated citizenry is of great advantage to any nation particularly a developing one like ours. Besides the skills acquired, formal education broadens the mind, opening it to a world full of new possibilities and vistas. It also emboldens, as it gives one the confidence to face life boldly and the ability to cope with the challenges of a modern world. Perhaps it’s for all these reasons that there’s the saying, ‘An educated mind is difficult to enslave’.

    But the reality is that not every one can have a university degree. And this has nothing to do with class or elitism but the issue of ability. Academic work is for serious minds with the intellectual and mental capacity to cope with the rigors of academia. Not everyone has that capacity and it’s not because they are not intelligent. Perhaps, their talent lie in other areas, such as in creating things with their hands or inventing stuff that can be of benefit to society. Bill Gates, one of the richest men in the world was a university drop out. He left Harvard to pursue his dream of making computers that would have a profound impact on the world in the field of info tech and communication.

    What his story shows is that a degree is not the only road to success in life. There are other routes to achieving something with one’s allotted time on earth. But in our society, most people have been brainwashed to believe that the only way to a successful life is by getting a degree from a higher institution. It doesn’t matter how you acquire the degree; just get it and your way through life will be paved with gold.

    That is why many do all sorts including cheating, buying exam questions, paying invigilators to look the other way and all kinds of exam malpractices and scams to get admission into the university. Sadly, some misguided parents even aid their children in this cheating game. The JAMB exams is a case in point. Yearly, we hear of candidates who scored very high marks in the exam but fail woefully in the post-UME that some universities organise to as a lecturer friend put it, ‘separate the wheat from the chaff.’ Despite that, some academically deficient candidates still manage to smuggle their way in and the result of this is that our campuses all over the country are filled with all sorts of students, many of whom have no business being there in the first place. Unable to cope with tough academic work, they pay their way through school by settling some crooked lecturers in ‘cash or kind’.

    And by the time they graduate and enter the real world, it’s the society that now bears the brunt of this mess. Most are largely unemployable and barely literate like the ‘graduate’ of Electrical Engineering posted to a bakery for his primary assignment for the NYSC programme. And there are many like him out there. What this means is that the piece of paper that the degree is written on is worthless if it cannot be defended by whoever owns it. It’s what is in the brain that matters, not some paper.

    Many observers have thrown up their hands in frustration, stating that the situation, like many things that have gone wrong in our society, is beyond redemption. I still believe that something can be done. First, this fixation or obsession with degree acquisition needs to change. Those without university qualifications shouldn’t be made to feel inferior or lesser human beings, that there’s something wrong with them or they are not good enough. Every child came into this world with a skill or talent which can be nurtured in different ways and not by the four walls of a Uni alone. That is why there used be technical or vocational and skills training centres in the past. But many of these are no longer functioning because everyone now wants to be a university graduate even if they have to ‘buy’ the degree and cannot defend it if called upon to do so.

    Our educational policy needs an overhaul with less emphasis placed on paper qualification and more on skills acquisition.

    And in the long run, is it not better to acquire a skill that will be useful to one throughout his life time rather than ‘getting’ a degree through dubious means that one can’t even use to get a job? There are so many unemployed and unemployable graduates these days some of whom have spent as long as ten years or more seeking non-existent jobs. Some, out of frustration and to meet up with their peers take to criminal activities like armed robbery, kidnapping, drug trafficking and others.

    Perhaps, it might be late for those who have already graduated with their dubious degrees but for the young ones still at the foundation school level and the future generations, something can still be done so we don’t keep producing too many deficient ‘graduates’ with degrees that are useless to them and the society at large.

    •Concluded

     

  • The contract (1)

    The first time I saw Max, he had come to do some shopping in my boutique. Back then, I never knew that that chance meeting would have a profound effect on my life. With time, we would grow very close, something that should not have happened as I was a married woman and infidelity is something frowned upon by society.

    Before you start casting stones at me for cheating on my husband, you need to hear my story first to understand the circumstances that made me stray outside my marriage.

    I got married to my husband, Bennie about three years ago. I still remember the ceremony which was held in our local church. It was a grand one, as my husband, who is very rich, spared no expense in ensuring that it was an event that would be the talk of the town for a long time. All my friends had been so envious of me back then.

    “Amanda, aren’t you lucky! I envy you o!” Dorothy, a good friend and one of my bridesmaids had said as I got ready on the morning of my wedding day.

    “Bennie’s such a great catch! I wish I could get someone like him!” said another. They all went on and on about Bennie’s good qualities and what a great husband he will be. If only they knew. For as I sat that morning staring at my reflection in the mirror while the make-up artist worked on my face, my mind was churning with different thoughts. Uppermost was the nagging thought, ‘Was I doing the right thing or was I making a big mistake that would haunt me later?’

    Even as I stood before the pastor at the altar and exchanged vows with Bennie, that thought kept popping up. But I pushed it aside and put on a brave face, smiling and trying to look like a typical happy and radiant bride on her big day.

    You might be wondering why I still went ahead to marry Bennie with all my misgivings. Well, there’s a plausible reason behind my decision. You see, I met Bennie at a very low point in my life. It was at a time when nothing was working and it was as if the whole world was about to collapse on my shoulders. I had finished school but had been unable to get a job after several years of job-hunting. Worse still, my mother who had been my sole support after my father abandoned us years ago, had fallen ill with a sickness that defied solution. There was also a younger brother who was still in secondary school. They both looked up to me for support but how could I play my role in the family without a job?

    At that point, I was ready to do any job as long as it paid some money. So, when I heard a manufacturing company was looking for some factory workers, I went to apply. But to my shock, I was rejected for the job because of my qualification.

    “You have a degree so you are overqualified for the job. It’s school certificate holders we are looking for,” the supervisor in charge of the recruitment told me brusquely. I pleaded with him, telling him I was ready to do the job even with my degree but he refused and ordered me to leave.

    I was walking dejectedly towards the front gate of the company when someone called out to me.

    “Excuse me, young lady,” the voice said. I turned round. It was a man in his thirties, I had never seen before.

    “Sorry to butt in this way but I heard you talking with the supervisor concerning a job back in the office. What exactly are you looking for?” he asked. I studied him for a moment. He was dressed in a dark suit and blue tie and he looked quite respectable like a top executive.

    “And why do you want to know?” I countered, wondering if he was an official in the company.

    “I can see you need a job badly. Maybe I can help you,” he stated. He brought out a complimentary card and gave it to me.

    “I run my own company. There’s an opening there now. So, why don’t you come and see me and we can talk,” he stated.

    I gazed at him warily, not sure if he was serious or not, then looked at the card again.

    “Mr Bernard or whatever your name is. As you can see, I’m in no mood right now for silly games. So, if you will excuse me, I will be on my way,” and I turned and made for the gate once more.

    “What makes you think I’m not serious about this?” he said behind me.

    I turned round again.

    “Because I’m a total stranger to you and people don’t just offer jobs to strangers they don’t know. At least, not in this country,” I said.

    “We’ve been talking for some minutes now so you can’t say we are still strangers,” he noted, smiling a little. He had this sincere look in his eyes that made me relax a little.

    “Look, I understand why you are being wary. You can’t trust people these days. But try and come to my office and I will see what I can do for you,” he said.

    Based on that invitation, I went to his office the following week and he gave me a job right there. It was like a miracle. I was so happy, I felt as if I was walking on air as I went home that day to break the good news to my mother.

    I resumed work not long after and I couldn’t be happier. My boss, Mr Bernard was a hard-working man who drove his workers hard so they could achieve maximum results for the company. He also treated us well and was not mean to the staff.

     

    The proposal

    I noticed he travelled a lot, mostly business trips. On one of such visits to Abuja, he invited me to accompany him.

    “You will need to check the sales records at our office there. So, get ready,” he ordered.

    We were in the city for about a week and we worked most of the time. After that trip, we travelled together to some other cities and even outside the country. It was on our return from one of such trips to Kenya when the office gossips started to circulate the story about my affair with my boss. I laughed when I heard it as it was all lies. Though we had travelled to different places and stayed in the same hotels, he had never shown any romantic interest in me. He was friendly and treated me well but he always acted like a boss to a subordinate to me.

    I knew he was still single and I often wondered why a successful man like him, with money and such good looks was still unattached.

    Some time later, on another of our trips, I told him about the gossip in the office concerning us. It was evening and we were having dinner in the restaurant of the hotel.

    He laughed at my story.

    “People love to talk. So don’t let it bother you,” he stated.

    I smiled at him.

    “Of course it doesn’t bug me since I know it’s not true,” I rejoined.

    He was silent for a while then he looked at me with a serious look on his face.

    “Perhaps we can make it real, give those gossips something to really talk about,” he stated.

    I looked at him warily.

    “What are you talking about?” I asked.

    Then reaching across the table, he took my hand and said:

    “Marry me, Amanda. Be my wife so I can take care of you.”

    His proposal was so unexpected that I sat for a while, just staring dazedly at him.

    “You’ve not been drinking sir, so you can’t be drunk…” I started to say when he interrupted me.

    “I know this must be a surprise to you. But I’ve thought about it and I believe it’s the sensible thing to do. I need a wife, you need a man to look after you. We both get what we want and it’s that not what matters?” he noted.

    When I pointed out to him that there was more to marriage than that, he said:

    “I see where you are going. All that Hollywood stuff like love, romance, desire, passion. I don’t believe in all that. Maybe because I’m a realist who doesn’t believe in fairytales…”

    As if his proposal was not strange enough, there was more to come. Something to do with a contract which stipulated clearly the terms of the ‘union’…

    •To be continued

     

    •Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator and other individuals

    •What is the contract all about? Don’t miss the exciting details next Saturday!

    •Send comments/advice to 08023201831(sms only) or psaduwa@yahoo.com

  • My husband is double dating, what should I do?

    Please my husband is double dating; what should I do? AA, Ogbomosho.

    My dear sister, I won’t deceive you and help you break your home. The truth is that most men have other women apart from their wives in their lives. It is not in my position to condemn your husband because if you ask him, he would have his reasons for having an affair.

    We should be asking some important questions:

    Hope he has not stopped carrying out his duties as a father and a husband?

    Does he still respect and gives you his love and attention?

    Is he now a visiting husband or he still comes back home?

    We spend too much time worrying when our husbands stray and in some cases, we even fight and throw tantrums. All these won’t solve the problem. And if the man has gone really far as to have actually established another home and has even started raising kids in that other home, there’s very little can do except to try to do your own best to be a good wife and leave the rest for fate to determine.

    While you may be moping, brooding and wondering why he is sharing your love with another woman, I think it is best to ask yourself where you might have gone wrong. If you’re found wanting in any way, please adjust and see if he can begin to see the good in you and you alone.

    Although, sometimes there are just not any particular reasons why men stray, but below are some of the common reasons why men seek the company of another woman, despite taking care of their wife.

    •Boredom– Men tend to get bored of their married life. Life, at times, become monotonous. The wife may be too involved with household chores and children and may not have the time for him. He is in search of excitement and finds it in another woman.

    •A roving eye – Men are supposed to have a roving eye. They like looking and admiring other women. They like to taste something “new” and “different.”

    •A nagging wife – Many husbands get fed up with a nagging wife at home and prefer the loving and caring company of another woman.

    •A neglected wife – Many women do not take care of themselves. They go out of shape. They lose out on their figure. At home, they do not take care of their appearance or dress up properly. Naturally, a man gets fed up with his wife and prefers a better looking woman.

    •Sexual incompatibility is also a reason why men go in for another woman. A few years down the line the husband may feel his emotional and physical needs are not being met and tends to seek the company of another woman. The husband often finds an outlet for his physical and emotional needs by having an affair with another woman.

    •To try out something new is often a reason given by the husband for indulging in an extra-marital affair. He often feels he needs a change of scene and would like to spend time with someone who is “different” and perhaps “more exciting”.

    •Easy access to female companionship is another factor which provides an opportunity for a husband to have an extra-marital affair. Often on business trips, he tends to take advantage of being with another female colleague and enters into a relationship with her.

    •Male ego is also another factor for men to cheat upon their wives. Husbands often feel superior about being a man and like to focus on their “macho” qualities of being able to attract another woman.

    •Peer pressure also encourages a man to cheat upon his wife. Some friends may cajole him into trying out something “new”. They often introduce him to other females with whom he can spend more time.

    •A wife paying too much attention to children and household chores often forces a man to go in for relationships outside marriage. He feels neglected. He wants more attention and since he is not getting it at home he prefers to get it from an outsider.