Category: Weekend Treat

  • Are all men potential rapists?

    Are all men potential rapists?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    No doubt in my mind we all know that rape is the crime of forcing someone to have sex especially by using violence. Incredibly, the act of rape from a man to a woman is steadily on the increase, research has shown. It is not only a Nigerian thing but a global phenomenon. The British crime survey estimates that 47,000 rapes occur each year yet sadly, the numbers continue to rise. Back home here in Nigeria, the statistics might not be so accurate. The reason is not farfetched; in this part of the world, the society attaches stigma to a lady who is bold enough to go to court and report a case of rape. Though I am open for correction, but the worst part of the scenario is that some of our men folk often put the whole blame on women.

    Okay, take this;

    Act one, scene one, a man asks a lady out for a drink or two, she turns him down. He becomes persistent, she finally says “yes’ why not”? He takes her out; he asks her out again on a lunch date; she says to herself;” oh, he’s so sweet; and again why not a harmless lunch date. So they do lunch. Then he goes further, calls her up yet again, asks her out on a dinner date; she thinks to herself: “What’s a harmless dinner date; with this “ gentleman” “after all, he’s been so patient and sweet; then she does a dinner date with him. On her way home; he gets her a cab and gives her a few thousands of naira for her “recharge card”.

    Act one, scene two

    He thinks to himself (believe me, this is the thought of the typical average “Nigerian man”) ah; I have spent a lot on this babe, it is payback time! I have invested; it is time for me to reap from my investment. So he calls her up again and offers an encore of a lunch date. She thinks to herself, “this guy appears sweet and nice, but he is not really my type’ so, she turns him down. He sends her ceaseless and countless text messages professing his undying love for her. He meets a brickwall. He intensifies his effort; he vows to himself; I will not lose this babe, I must not lose this babe. (we all know his motive is certainly not love, it is not even obsession for her, it is simply that rejection of his overture will not be acceptable to him; not after spending…) so, he continues to woo her; sends her flowers and teddy bears. Her resistance begins to gradually crumble; and then she thinks to herself (this thought process is also typical of some average Nigerian ladies) “this guy has tried; I feel sorry for him, I don’t see why I can’t be friends with him on a platonic level.

    Act one, scene three

    He attempts again to ask her out on a dinner date; this time around he becomes more daring though in a subtle manner; he offers to cook her dinner at his apartment. “I have never cooked for a woman before” he says. So, after a brief thought; she feels; oh, he is so sweet and generous; I am sure a harmless dinner cannot go wrong. “So, she gets dressed up, arms herself with the address he sent to her in box and found her way to his doorstep, then presses the doorbell. He opens up the door, obviously delighted that tonight; will be the night that he takes his long awaited… (Please, readers do fill in the blanks). He ushers her in, the room is cozy, everything is in place, the light is dim and romantic; there was candle light on the table, soft music was coming from another corner of the room. He makes her comfortable; offers her a glass of red wine; while she is sipping, he dashes to the kitchen, gets the dinner ready. They have dinner; “Hmmm, this is really nice, she complements; and things for a couple of minutes goes as planned. After dinner, she offers to help with the dishes, he politely turns her down; deep down he is thinking “don’t worry, we are going on to bigger and better things”.

    He comes out from the kitchen, sits right next to her on the comfortable sofa. His sitting position becomes a little uncomfortable for her, so she moves slightly away; he moves closer, she moves further away, at his third attempt to move closer again she suddenly gets up and announces she is leaving. “Thank you very much, she says, I have had a wonderful time; you are indeed a fine cook; but I would like to take my leave now”. He says to her, “why would you want to leave now; the night is still young. At her insistence on leaving, he surprisingly drops his gentleman act; and forces her back to the sofa; she attempts to get up; she can’t because he is too strong for her, he forces a kiss on her lips; she moves her hands behind her. At this point she knows, this is the right time to panic. She manages to say “no” “no” to him, “no” means “yes”.

    He continues to fondle her; his hands and mouth begin to go everywhere, her clothes are up, she is scared, she tries to scream but all she could mutter is a quiet “no” she knows he is much stronger than she is; he reaches for her pants, she struggles, he gets angrier and more aggressive by the minutes, he tears her underpants…hot tears stream down her face, this is a nightmare she thinks. She prays, to wake up. He forcibly enters her deeper and deeper. It hurts her, she stops struggling knowing that this was a lost battle. It was a long agonizing and worst moment of her life. He gets up, tells her to clean herself up and leave! To him, the monstrous mission is accomplished. She gets into the still quiet night to the comfort of her apartment. She takes her bath, still feeling pains all over her body; she quietly climbs into her warm, waiting bed and cries herself to sleep. Days after the rape incident, she has refused to sue him, for fear of being stigmatized by the public and society at large. She still lives with the bitter experience till date.

    This is not the first evidence I have that suggests that rape might be a crime of opportunity as much as of impulse. According to research; back in the 1970’s and early 80’s, a number of highly controversial psychological projects sprang up at colleges in the United State, analysing male attitudes to rape. Half of a group of high school males, for instance, said they believed it is acceptable “for a guy to hold a girl down and force her to have sexual intercourse “if he found her sexually attractive. In a survey of 7,000 men, conducted by Shere Hite, 46 per cent responded in the affirmative to the question, “Have you ever wanted to rape a woman”

    Arguably, the most distressing statistics came from a study conducted at the University of California in 1980. A group of men was read a story in which a woman politely refuses a man’s offer of a lift home. Enraged by this perceived rejection, the man holds a knife to her throat and proceeds to full intercourse, the victim protesting wildly throughout the attack. Asked whether they might behave similarly, 17 per cent of respondents said yes, while 51 per cent agreed there was some likelihood that they would but only if they could be sure they would get away with it. The results of this study, and many others like it, are enough to make us ponder on our view on rape, even in this part of the world.

    What is both interesting and shocking is that the act of rape is not limited to single or people that are not officially a couple. I have recently been told in person that rape is even present in some marriages! Yes, it’s true.

    Act two, scene one

    Bolaji and Theresa have been married for eight years. They love each other. they have kids and live in a dream home. Theirs is what one would call the ideal home and the ideal family. That is when you look at them from the outside.

    The problem is things are not always what they seem. Unknown to many, their marriages have been sexless for over eight months.

    Act two, scene two

    Theresa for over eight months has been punishing Bolaji, her husband of eight years for cheating on her with their maid. Through the eight months, Bolaji will plead almost every night for sex, while the wife will turn the other way, and all were always in place. Then one night, Bolaji could not take it anymore; he had done all he could to get his wife to forgive him. He decided enough was enough. Before they had these issues; they were always inseparable in bed. This fateful night, Bolaji, at first, attempted to plead to his wife for sex, as she prepared to turn him down again, he did the worst. He forced himself on her, tore her underpants and the rest, as they say, is… yes, history.

    The good news is this, change is possible. There are a million and one way, to win us without using force. You know women need to be pampered, and loved. No matter how bad or resistant we might be; please remain yourself. Do not allow any woman bring out the worst in you, or turn you to a rapist.

  • A 33-year-old virgin is the rarest of gems!

    A 33-year-old virgin is the rarest of gems!

    By Temilolu Okeowo

    Dear Ma, I am a 33-year-old virgin and I must confess to you I’m not happy with the state of my life! In fact, I’m becoming more convinced by the day that I committed myself to a life of singlehood by refusing the advances of all the men that came my way because I vowed to keep my virginity till my wedding night! Truth is, I’m the most beautiful of my sisters and the eldest.

    My two younger sisters are married with children and my mum has almost frustrated me to the point of settling with just any one! She keeps telling me how rich or accomplished I’d have become if I had dated and married one person or the other however these men wanted to sleep with me even before 2 weeks of settling in a relationship with them. Now, I feel so terrible like I made a grave mistake by choosing to preserve my virginity and to worsen matters, there’s no good spouse to settle with in sight! Am I going to remain like this? Am I condemned or what? I’m so depressed! P lease help ma!

    Miss P.

    My darling, golden, precious, super-duper, uncommon miss p,

    Awww…my sweet, how I wish I could see you and give you a bear hug and squeeze that pain and regret out of your heart and your whole being!

    If only you knew what you’re carrying!!! In fact, I owe you a gift! Wow! Not only are you a glory/virtue container, you are a mobile altar and the power house of god!

    I can’t really say how much of a committed Christian you are but anyone who can ignore the pleasures of the world and refuse to satisfy the cravings of the flesh certainly has a great measure of God resident in her! Well done my dearest!

    I can just imagine how superb you are in the eyes of God! I can imagine how easy it was for you in school and the fantastic grades you had as a result of concentrating on studying instead of guys!

    I can imagine the extra-ordinary grace of God upon your life! I certainly won’t be able to count the numerous open doors before you because you have not opened up the gates of your life to be polluted or contaminated by strange spirits!

    I can imagine the enormous power of God that has welled up in you and which would empower you to live life on your own terms and have the world at your feet!

    Did you even know you have a continuous assessment before God who has been watching you with keen interest and processing you to become a wonderful wonder and flaunt you in the eyes of your mockers?

    Haaa…in case you don’t know, the time of your glorification is near and I tell you this very year and the stupid, bad devil wants to deprive you of your diadem! But you already conquered it by sharing your experience with me.  Heartiest congratulations my love!

    I rejoice with you! The world is certainly your oyster. Your imagination must be so vivid and I see your wonderful dreams manifesting with great speed!

    You shall turn out a roaring success and the fear of God you’ve had all these years would make God do the uncommon for you and stand you out forever in Jesus mighty name!

    Now, I plead with you to forget about the pressures of having a spouse! You have all it takes to silence your mum and every other person putting pressure on you!

    PURSUE YOUR DESTINY! Tell God to take absolute control and not put you to shame – talk to Him every now and then and begin to imagine the type of man and home you want to end up in!

    You have the enormous power to magnetise it! I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! In fact, increase the level of wealth, good looks, fantastic qualities and all you desire in a man- you deserve it and the power of God in you would magnetise him before you know it!

    You will end up with a better home than your family members and friends can ever imagine. God will make you an envy of everyone around you!

    Stop wallowing in despair and don’t sell yourself cheap! Bury yourself in your job- let the power of God in you make you carry out your tasks with excellence.

    Don’t be surprised you may even be promoted this year! Nurture your spiritual beauty, develop yourself spiritually until you become a fiery furnace and a city set on a hill that the whole world would salute till eternity! Expect the very best of God this year! God bless you!

    • I invite you to follow me on Facebook – TEMILOLU OKEOWO Instagram @ Okeowo Temilolu.
  • BENUE’S WEEK OF SORROW:  How capsized boat killed set of triplets, 23 other youths

    BENUE’S WEEK OF SORROW: How capsized boat killed set of triplets, 23 other youths

    Uja Emmanuel, Makurdi

     

    It was a week the people and government of Benue State would not forget in a hurry. The ravaging coronavirus conspired with a boat mishap to cast a pall on the North-Central state.  The people were still smarting from the news of the new grounds broken by the deadly Covid-19 pandemic when a boat capsized and killed no fewer than 26 young men and women.

    Signs of an unpleasant week emerged on Saturday, July 4, as the media team of Governor Samuel Ortom invited journalists for an emergency press conference with the governor in Government House Makurdi.

    At the press conference, Governor Samuel Ortom revealed that his wife had tested positive to Covid-19 alongside his domestic staff and the entire household, and had consequently been kept in isolation.

    Governor Ortom had disclosed that apart from his wife, key appointees of his administration, including the Secretary to the State Government (SSG), the Head of Service (HOS) and the Chief Of staff (COS) had tested positive for the deadly virus.

    Yet the most shocking aspect of the sad news was the governor’s disclosure that the Vice Chairman of the COVID 19 Emergency Committee in Benue State, Prof. Godwin Achinge, had also tested positive for the virus.

    Achinge, a Professor of Medicine and Deputy Vice Chancellor of Benue State University (BSU) Makurdi, had been appointed into state’s COVID 19 committee on the basis of his vast experience. He had worked diligently with the chairman of the committee, Engr. Benson Abound, who is also the deputy governor of Benue State.

    Achinge’s infection by the deadly virus was seen by many as a big blow to the battle against the pandemic and a source of worry to the Benue State Government, members of the committee and the entire university community where he was also very active in the senate and council meetings.

    Worse still, less than 24 after the governor governor broke the sad news of Achinge’s infection by Coronavirus, he gave up the ghost in the hospital where he was undergoing treatment.

    As it would be expected, his death sent shock waves down the spines of many residents of the state, particularly as many other key appointees of the administration were already down with the virus.

    Unfortunately, the dust raised by the sudden death of Prof. Achinge had not settled when another tragedy struck:  a boat carrying 28 youths of the Evangelical Church Winning All (ECWA) in Adeke, Makurdi capsized on River Benue, killing no fewer than 26 of them, including a set of triplets.

    The Nation investigation revealed that the youths were going on an evangelism mission to a neighbouring community when tragedy struck.

    The Secretary of the English Section of the ECWA church, Miss Favour Simeon, said she was with the 26 youths who died in the accident at Sunday service earlier in the day.

    Speaking with our correspondent amid tears, Simeon recalled that shortly after the Sunday service, the youths had come together and decided to embark on evangelism in another community across the River Benue.

    She said among those who drowned in the river when the boat capsized were a set of triplets by name Peter, Paul and Paulina, who are children of a mobile policeman identified simply as Inspector Bulus. Inspector Bulus was said to be away on Special duty at the time the incident occurred.

    Simeon, an acquaintance of the 16-year-old triplets who were supposed to celebrate their 17th birthday in September, “their mother actually warned them against going to River Benue because the volume of its water had increased, but one of them (Paulina) accused her of trying to weaken her faith.

    “It was on that basis that their mother allowed them to travelled for evangelism,” Simeon said.

    She described the incident as unfortunate, saying that the deceased triplets were devout Christians who had strong faith in God and loved to worship Him.

    Asked how she received the news of the death of his church members, she said: “My elder brother called me on the phone and asked if I went to evening service and I said no. He requested for Shadrach, one of the victims’ number.

    •Residents at the river bank where the boat capsized

    “I was trying to call my brother again when a neighbour ran to me and said a canoe had capsized with our church members on board and all of them had died.

    “I ran straight to the house of the triplets at Mobile Barracks and saw people gathered and the mother was crying.

    “I ran to the bank of River Benue where the incident occurred and saw a body recovered on the bank of the river. I wept profusely.”

    She blamed the police for what she described as a poor rescue operation, saying it took the intervention of the Benue State Commissioner of Police before the Marine police move to the scene for a search-and-rescue operation.

    “By then, it was too late as most of them had drowned,” she said.

    Grief seized the atmosphere at Squadron MOPOL 13 Mobile Barracks when our correspondent visited.  Some residents of the barracks were seen in front of their houses weeping as relations and friends trooped in to console them.

    The grief was, however, more pronounced in the home of Inspector Bulus because apart from his triplets, two other members of his household, Miss Sadutu Kabina and her sister Precious, were said to have died in the boat mishap.

    Inspector Bulus was yet to return from the special duty when The Nation visited. Only his wife and second son were seen struggling to contend with tears.

  • How to build forgiveness in a relationship

    How to build forgiveness in a relationship

    Rois Ola

     

    A lot of times we all believe saying good bye is a true end to everything of bad relationships but Goodbye is not always the answer and this is the case for both old and new relationships. No matter the level of mistakes you are currently facing in your relationship, it’s always worth it to try again as long as you know that both of you are willing to still make it work, emphasis on BOTH, because one person cannot achieve it alone. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a very important aspect in relationships .It helps to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically.

    For a fact there are some things that cannot easily be forgiven, they can be forgiven but not as quickly as some other things, not only because of the hurt that they have caused but also because of how it already tainted your trust in your partner and in your relationship. If you are stuck in this cycle of constantly failing to forgive no matter how much your partner has changed, this article will help you understand in clearer times the reason(S) why you need to forgive.

    One of the most important things I have experienced and learnt is that, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you strong and sane. Some transgressions are so harmful and disastrous that a relationship may not be able to survive, but forgiveness can still play a role to healing and making things better, but of course time heals all wounds.

    The Importance to your health 

    Holding onto hurts, disappointments, annoyances,  even betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you  will discover in no time that you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing your hurt (whether real or perceived) for too long can eventually make it turn into something more hate and extreme bitterness. And living a bitter life with who you supposedly love or care for only causes more damage than good.

    Not being able to forgive can also wear you down. It takes both a physical and mental toll on you causing depression and sometimes suicide. Resentment gains momentum and chips away at the foundation of your well-being and your relationship. The magic is in being able to share your feelings.

    The importance of forgiving your partner

    Betrayal of trust is a hard pill to swallow. I have been there and still doing what I can to heal, there are a number of ways one can use to find a place of forgiveness when you have experienced betrayal. Look at each method and find the combination that works best for you.

    • Be open to give and receive forgiveness.
    • Make an intentional decision to forgive your partner.
    • Think of a constructive and positive thing to do to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts, when images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind,
    • Refrain from throwing an error or mistake back in your spouse’s face at a later date, yes I know this is difficult, but try; don’t use it as ammunition in an argument, it takes practice but try not to.
    • Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression, behavior, or mistake, confession may be very difficult to give or listen to, so accept you may never get the full story and move on.
    • Try not to seek revenge or retribution; trying to get even will only extend the pain and chances are good that this won’t really make you feel better anyway.
    • Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior.
    • Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your partner takes time. Don’t try to hurry the process.

    Get professional counseling to help you let go and forgive if you are still unable to forgive, or you find yourself thinking on the betrayal or hurt regularly, it won’t be easy but better to make an attempt than nothing at all.

    1. Put a stop to remembering the pain and hurt.

    If you want the wound of a mistake to fully heal, you should stop touching it – because what comes after healing is forgiveness, especially if it was done by someone you truly love. Stop thinking about what happened in the past and how it made you feel – as long as the lessons have been learned, you should do your best to stop reliving the pain and hurt. Move on and everything will follow.

    1. Try Give your partner a second chance, if they want it and are willing to work for it.

    People make mistakes and you, yourself, had your own share of regrets in the past. If you did something hurtful to someone you love like your partner, wouldn’t you want to be given a second chance? Just like how you think you deserve that chance, you should also give the same thought about your partner.

    As long as you know that they know what they did, how it affected your relationship, and the things that they should do to avoid repeating the same mistakes, then they deserve that second chance.

    1. Appreciate the changes they’ve made or trying to make.

    It can be hard for someone to change but do you wonder why they still try? Because they know that it’s the only way for them not to lose you – they want to stay and they’ll do everything for your relationship to be what it once was before, or better.

    1. Try to Make an effort to reach out.

    Perhaps your partner doesn’t feel like talking about the mistakes that they have done in the past that they tend to be quiet about how they truly feel. Their need to be forgiven sometimes makes them scared that they might say the wrong words again, and it might make things worse. What you can do is to assure them that your relationship is their safe place – they should not stop being who they are or stop expressing their thoughts just because they’re afraid to offend their partner again.

    1. Tell yourself why you fell in love.

    If all else fails, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your relationship is to remember why you are in this relationship in the first place. How did you fall in love? What are the things that you like about this person? What are the happiest memories you have together? Are those qualities still there?

    1. Pray for help and healing from God

    Let your faith and spiritual strength show you the way to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, when you are hurting and in pain, you lose the courage to forgive someone who had caused you pain. What you can do is to pray for enlightenment and guidance, for wisdom and for healing, so that you will be able to have the strength to give your love another chance.

    1. Together, start over with a new love story if they are willing to.

    Let your road to forgiveness open a bigger door to a new stage in your relationship. Start over, start anew – and do this together. In order to build forgiveness in your relationship, you have to make an effort to take the first step. The road may look narrow and daunting, but never let this fear weaken your faith in the promise that you have made together.

    How to Ask you partner for Forgiveness

    If you are the one who has caused hurt and pain for your partner, you can ask for forgiveness in in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember to give yourself and your partner time when working through the process. Time heals wounds if you allow it to.

    • Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you’ve caused, let them see that you are sorry for what you have done.
    • Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your partner again by repeating the hurtful behavior, any promise you make, you must fulfill.
    • Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt, face them, deal with them directly and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
    • Be open to making amends and settling for peace.
    • Make a heartfelt and verbal apology; this includes a plan of action to make things right, sometimes words may not be enough.
    • Be patient with your partner. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don’t dismiss your spouse’s feelings of betrayal by telling them to “get over it.” That will only make things worse.

    Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. No healthy relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. But remember that forgiveness isn’t absolution.

    Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul to so many things like your health, state of mind and general wellbeing, existing in an unforgiving state will destroy a lot of things for you. For you to succeed in living a fulfilled life, and enjoying relationships with others, you must learn to forgive. If it’s not working, then I pray God gives you the strength to make the necessary decisions and move. I wish you all the best!!!

  • Should working mothers feel guilty?

    Should working mothers feel guilty?

    Vera Chidi-Maha

     

    Sweet mother,
    I no go forget you;
    For dis suffer wey you
    Suffer for me eh
    If I no sleep, my
    Mother no go sleep;
    If I no chop, my
    Mother no go chop;
    She no dey tire eh;
    Sweet mother ah ah
    Sweet mother eeh

     

    AS this evergreen vintage song filtered through the radio into my tired ears as I drove home on Friday night, a colleague who was riding in the car with me made an off the cut but genuine comment. That comment upset me greatly. He said this song by Nico Mbaga only addressed yesterday’s mothers. He said today’s mothers are too business inclined to have time for their children. Women these days, he added, have no time for their children. Women these days, he added, have no conscience because they are too money conscious. Honestly, if not for the fear of God, I would have dropped him off right in the middle of nowhere so he would have had to trek home! To say I was angry is an understatement. I was livid. I mean, with the harsh economic conditions of these times; do we expect the income to come from only the man? It is not possible. The fact that most mothers of nowadays are more career minded is not for selfish reasons. Far from it.

    For me, the saying that after the love of God Almighty to mankind, the second greatest kind of love is the love of mother to her child subsists also today. In my opinion, nothing has changed. The mother’s love is constant. Nothing can change it. No mother is happy to stay hours away from her babies; but duty calls. The challenge working mothers face, unknown to many, is the feeling of guilt that sets in. no matter how fat a mother’s bank account is; it cannot be compared to the time she spends with her child or children.

    Guilt. It can come without warning; suddenly you feel as if you have been punched in the stomach. Most working mothers feel guilty at one time or another. They may be running late for a parents Teachers Association’s meeting and interprete the look on the faces of other parents as a condemnation for coming late because they feel the P. T. A meeting should be important enough to attract on time attendance. Guilt may also come after a comment from your child, ”But mummy, must you go to work today too? Other people’s mummies are already around! Or ”Mummy, why are you buying me meat pie to take to school when Jide’s mummy makes him Jollof rice or beans and fried plaintain”!

    As working mothers, it is important to feel comfortable with your decisions to be working. Too many times, however, working mothers feel they need to defend their choice. Working mother and the society have to address the ongoing debate. Some people feel that by working, mothers are taking something valuable away from their children’s time while others feel that working mothers really give more to children. They provide them a sense of pride and accomplishment in addition to being a role model. Each family situation is different, what may work for the family down the street, may not be the best for your family. And so, comparing your situation to theirs is like comparing apples to oranges.  Studies have shown that there is no developmental problems in children whose mother worked outside the home. The studies further show that though ”the mother is an important source of care then, but she does not have to be there 24 hours a day to build a strong relationship with her child.”

    Below are some of the key points the studies show:

    Development is not delayed when a mother works outside the home

    A mother’s personality, including their beliefs and the quality of their parenting is more important than the amount of time spent with their children.

    Working mothers spend more time with their children on their days off work.

    Working mothers spend less time on household chores and leisure activities.

    There were no differences in social behavior, cognitive ability and language development whether mothers stayed at home or worked.

    An earlier study also concludes that a ”mother’s employment outside the home has no significant negative effect on her children. According to this study:

    When mother’s worked long hours, there were small differences in testing for vocabulary and individual student achievement, however these differences disappear overtime.

    Children whose mothers returned to work when they were three to four years old, instead of as infants showed a high rate of compliance with authority. However, this too disappeared over time and later showed no differences.

    There was no significant negative impact on children when mothers worked outside the home.

    The result of these two studies can help relieve the guilt that many working mothers feel. Their children will thrive based not on how much time they spend together, but on the quality of time spent together. Mothers that are comfortable with their decisions, are confident in their abilities, and provide loving and nurturing homes have the best chance of raising well – adjusted children, whether they work outside the home or stay at home.

    If one balances out the exceptionally good mothers, the ordinary mothers and the exceptionally bad mothers; then probably on balance, having a working mother does not significantly impact children at a cognitive or behavioral level in general. Unfortunately, it is not just the time spent away from the children that is of significance, it is the quality of the energy drain from working that probably most impacts children. For most mothers today, working full time is not a choice, it is a requirement, as it is for fathers. And mothers who work full time or more will find that they have slaved away in order to provide a certain lifestyle and have produced children who feel little need to visit their mothers as they move on to adulthood because that closeness of connection is just not there. The summary of this piece is that there should be a balance in whatever we do.

  • Justice stares at policemen over auto mechanic tortured, killed in custody

    Justice stares at policemen over auto mechanic tortured, killed in custody

    Mike ODIEGWU, Port Harcourt

     

    THE Ikoku Five was a notorious case that attracted opprobrium to the police in Rivers State. Chima Ikwunado, Victor Ogbonna, Osaze Friday, Ifeanyi Osuji and Ifeanyi Onyekewere were arrested in December 2019 by operatives of Eagle Crack, a special police squad under the Rivers State police command.

    Chima was an automobile repairer, popularly called mechanic while the four others arrested with him were his apprentices.

    They were driving against traffic while testing a car owned by one of their customers when the police operatives arrested them, hence they thought they were held for committing a traffic offence. But when they were taken to the Mile 1 Police Station in Port Harcourt, they were shocked when the police slammed allegations of cultism and robbery on them.

    The policemen who whisked them away reportedly took all their valuables, including cash worth over N90,000. In fact, before Chima and his boys could utter a word, they found themselves in a police cell.

    The police claimed that they were cultists and that they stole the car they were driving against traffic at the point of their arrest. They denied the allegations and invited the owner of the car identified as Phil, who corroborated their narratives that he gave them the car for repairs. But the policemen were not satisfied.

    The policemen identified as Ayogu Fidelis, Rose Georgewill, Eke Chibuzor and Egbunefu Felix allegedly subjected Chima and his colleagues to inhuman treatment. In fact, Chima was said to have been subjected to unimaginable torture by the policemen. His legs were broken, his hands twisted and even his genitals were allegedly violently attacked by the female cop among the accused policemen.

    Chima, whose wife was said to be heavily pregnant at the time they were arrested, could not walk or even sit down because of the injuries he sustained from the torure.

    All efforts by the police to implicate Chima and his colleagues were abortive as the magistrate Court sitting in Port Harcourt asked the police to release them.

    Unfortunately, Chima’s travails culminated in his death as he could no longer cope with the police brutality. His death sparked a national outrage. Civil society organisations, human rights activists, concerned individuals and the general public rose in unison against the police authorities. They held various protests, marched the streets and demanded that the policemen behind the killing should be fished out and made to face the wrath of the law.

    But the police authorities were not forthcoming as they dragged their feet. Indeed, the former leadership of the state police command could not muster the needed courage to deal with the issues.

    But the late Chima’s pregnant wife, Adaugo, who was later delivered of a baby boy, and the other automobile repairers sustained their protests.

    Respite, however, came the way of the bereaved family following the new Commissioner of Police, Joseph Mukan’s zero tolerance for human rights abuse. The indicted policemen were dismissed from the force and were recently arraigned before a Magistrate’s Court.

    The Magistrate’s Court sitting in Port Harcourt remanded four of the policemen in the correctional centre for allegedly torturing Chima Ikwunado to death. They were arraigned on a seven-count charge of murder, conspiracy to commit murder and unlawful assault.

    They, however, pleaded not guilty when the charges were read to them. The Chief Magistrate, Promise Iruanya, who declined to grant the suspects bail, remanded them in the correctional centre and ordered that the case file be transferred to the Directorate of Public Prosecution for legal advice.

    Iroanya added that the court lacked the jurisdiction to hear the matter and adjourned the case to  September 19 for legal advice. The Magistrate explained that while the court lacked jurisdiction to entertain count one to three of the charges, count four to seven could be handled by it.

    The prosecutor, R. Queensoap, told the court that the offences committed by the accused persons were punishable under sections 324, 319(1), 320, 335 and 351 of the Criminal Code, Cap 37, Vol. II, Laws of Rivers State of Nigeria 1999.

    Speaking outside the courtroom, the lawyer to the deceased’s family, Chinyere Lawrence, confirmed that only four of the eight indicted policemen were brought to court.

    He said: “From the time we were briefed, we wrote to the Police on the 7th of January 2020 and complained that several police officers were involved in torturing Chima Ikwunado to death.

    “When those who were tortured together with Chima, came out of prison, they told us that the police officers that tortured them were more than eight. So, we are surprised and the complainants are not happy that today, only four defendants were brought to court, and we brought this to the notice of the court.”

    But David Abuo, the lawyer to Ayogu Fidelis and Rose Georgewill, accused the media of preempting the court against his clients.

    He said: “What has been happening, especially on the radio, the fourth defendant (Rose Georgewill) is accused of fondling with the private part of the deceased and she has not had the opportunity to explain herself.

    “Media trial is a situation where the media continue to take one-sided information against a defendant who has not been found guilty. Only the court has the power to hear from both sides and draw a conclusion. Hence the media should be more circumspect and careful in accepting certain information about someone accused of committing a crime.”

  • How Lagos upbringing aided my career — Ex-UN bigwig Amadi-Njoku

    How Lagos upbringing aided my career — Ex-UN bigwig Amadi-Njoku

    Former United Nations Organisation (UN) chief, Regina Amadi-Njoku, made history in Year 2000 with her appointment as the first female Assistant Director-General of the International Labour Organisation, a very important arm of the UN. In this interview with PAUL UKPABIO, she recalls her success secrets as a woman leader in a male-dominated institution and the challenges that came with being the ILO and Regional Director in charge of 53 African countries. Among other issues, the retired diplomat and former university lecturer also speaks about her growing up days in Lagos and how her cosmopolitan upbringing in the Campos neighbourhood of the city influenced her career and world view.

     

     

    IT is quite interesting seeing a woman climb to the top like you did in the United Nations and other institutions where you have worked. What has been your success secret?

    My life is simultaneously forged in the city and the village! My childhood was quite colorful. I was born in Lagos, then the capital city of Nigeria, in the Campos neighbourhood, which is famous for its multi-national and multi-cultural dwellers. The unique place of my birth, my family intergenerational living arrangement, my formal western education and the combination of my living in the city and spending long holidays in my parents’ rural communities in Southern Nigeria shaped my hybrid cultural upbringing and prepared me to easily straddle a dual cultural lane of traditional and modern lifestyles.

    Campos and its upscale environs of Onikan and Ikoyi were home to European expatriates and many Nigerian professionals, male and female. Lagos, where I grew up, was a real melting pot of cultures. It was inhabited by peoples from various cultures: Nigerians, Brazilians, Sierra-Leoneans, Togolese, Ghanaians, Cameroonians, Lebanese, Chinese, West Indians and Europeans. It was a mini United Nations enclave. Children in my neighborhood benefited from traditional African collective childrearing from parents of the community. We were taught that education, community service, excellent social manners, good character, honesty and compassion were the hallmarks of a good upbringing.

    I grew up seeing different people confidently going about their businesses, and living out their culture from norms, food, clothes, festivals, religions and so on. I saw women being homemakers and also professionals such as teachers, nurses, secretaries, accountants, doctors and lawyers. I never felt that my gender could bar me from achieving my life dream. I naturally assumed that I was going to be a homemaker and a professional.

    At that tender age, what were you curious about?

    I was curious about the abundance of amenities in Lagos and the scarcity of the same amenities in the rural villages we visited during the holidays, especially since my grandmother made me go to fetch water in the stream and pick up firewood. I think that the village experiences subconsciously guided my choice in profession. I just knew that whatever profession I would choose, it would have to be modelled after the ones exercised by the women around me in Lagos and the development work my grandmother and her rural women groups were doing to improve lives in their communities. My career path might have been influenced by my growing up in the city and the villages, but my leadership and management qualities were forged through an adjustment to my mother’s premature death. As the first child of my father who was an only child, I had to take up leadership and management duties very early in life. I benefited from inter-generational mentorship and coaching from women and even men in our extended family.

    My father was the most important role model of disciplined, yet nurturing leadership for me and my siblings’ lives. He believed I could achieve great things and gave me an extraordinary dose of confidence, pushed me to get the best education and to aspire to the highest position possible. I am ever grateful for his support and contributions to my life achievements. He used to discipline us with many sayings and proverbs.

    Notable among them are “Survival is seized in the midst of tragedy”, “Leadership is acquired in the trenches of crisis” and “Management is learnt in the midst of scarcity.” The wisdom in these sayings I hold dear to my heart and have tried to pass it on to my children.

    As Regional Director for Africa at the International Labour Organisation (ILO) with the grade of UN Assistant Secretary-General, we understand you were directing ILO programmes in the then 53 countries of the Africa continent and you were also ILO’s Special Rep to the African Union, the Regional Economic Communities, the United Nations Economic Community for Africa and the African Development Bank. How did you feel wearing all these hats at the same time and what were the challenges involved? 

    To comprehend my challenges as the first women Assistant Director-General of the ILO and Regional Director for Africa, it is important to describe the uniqueness of the ILO.  It was created in 1919, after a destructive world war, with the aim to pursue a universal and lasting peace that must be based on social justice. After the UN was created in 1945, the ILO became its first specialised agency in 1946. Incidentally, the ILO established its first field office in Nigeria in 1959, before the nation’s independence in 1960. ILO is a unique UN agency with normative and developmental objectives. It has a tripartite structure of three stakeholders: the governments (regulators of labour), the workers (suppliers of labour) and the employers (the demanders of labour). ILO is highly political as it aggressively advocates labour standards, employment and job creation as effective instruments for economic and social justices for all peoples.

    This was the world I entered in 2000 to take charge of all ILO programmes in the whole continent of Africa. I was prepared to a certain extent for this daunting job as I had worked at the World Bank and UNIFEM, now UN Women. I had also lectured at universities and had been a civil servant and a diplomat. The skills acquired through these positions prepared me, to a large extent, to perform and excel at the job. But they did not prepare me for the kind of the tough tripartite negotiations required to broker industrial peace between unions, employers and the governments in a continent of different language blocs which included Anglophone, Francophone, Arabophone, Lusophone. I had to learn fast!

    The great confidence my boss had in me, his coaching, the well of support from my country’s government and some colleagues, especially the women, helped me to perform well and achieve the objectives of not only the ILO office but also those of the tripartite partners. I was one of the few regional directors recruited from outside the ILO who stayed for a long time: a term of eight years.

    What were the challenges that you faced?

    Yes, there were several challenges of which the greatest was leading as a woman in a male-dominated institution while managing some major events which occurred during my tenure. First, the transition of OAU to AU with the primary responsibility of my office to support the reform of the role of the Labour and Social Affairs Commission in AU. Secondly, the occurrence of some national conflicts on the continent which required intensive hands-on attention of the ILO in mitigating their negative impacts on job creation and labour relations. Thirdly, finding a balance between a high-level job that demanded constant travel and family life was extremely challenging.

    Nevertheless, I immensely enjoyed the experiences and achievements the job offered me and I remain ever appreciative of the experiences, expertise and networks acquired through the job, which I have been sharing with African young professionals and leaders of today.

    As an expert on labour issues on the global stage, would you say the average Nigerian worker has fared well over the years, compared to global standards?

    I will be very cautious in answering this question as I have been out of the loop of active labour sector management for a long time. However, from what I learn from the media, from the Covid-19 reporting and personal observations, life is becoming increasingly untenable for workers in most countries, including Nigeria. Most of the gains made in MDGs are fast evaporating and hopes of effectively implementing SDGs are threatened. Poverty is on the rise among workers and families. The Nigerian workers’ situation is exacerbated by the devastating health and economic impacts of Covid-19 which have made a bad situation worse, in that it has triggered high inflation, a steep fall in the value of the naira, and high rise in the cost of living, all in the contextual climate of an existing high unemployment rate and cessation of non-essential work due to Covid-19 lockdown.

    The most painful fallout of this is that any prior discussions on minimum wage becomes impossible now since the minimum wage must be recalibrated based on the newly increased cost of living and the depreciating value of the naira.  Furthermore, the criteria of access to social protection and security that favors the workers in the formal sector and excludes those in the informal sector heightens insecurity for majority of the population who operate in the informal sector while fueling some sense of insecurity.

    These create a conundrum of challenges exacerbated by COVID-19 and its attendant health and economic costs. The challenges are also worse in the informal sector where income for daily bread is also sourced on a daily basis and the majority of the populations, workers and families are disproportionately affected by limited access to utilities like water and light, needed for implementing the Covid-19 protocols. The availability of sufficient palliatives and access to them may prove difficult as the determination of beneficiaries will be challenging especially in cities and even in villages.

    So, is there any hope for the Nigerian worker?

    Curiously a protective solution adopted to stem the spread of Covid-19 which constituted in total lockdown and mandatory working from home for non-essential workers may offer a unique opportunity to start addressing the dichotomy of attention given to workers in the formal and informal sectors. We can take advantage of how the big companies are re-imagining work, workplace in the home spaces; and worker rights and conditions, including emoluments and benefits packages, to start thinking out of the box regarding the employment reform needed to enhance and harmonize the treatment of all workers in the formal and informal sectors of the economy.

    You have worked in Nigeria, Switzerland and the USA. From your experience, which of these countries has the best work culture and environment?

    For every professional, each country offers some advantages and disadvantages. The most important advantage is the peace and support in the workplace that helps professionals achieve the institutional objectives. The next advantage is measured by the facilities the city of work offers the professional and family, like housing, proximity to the office, transportation and security. Of course, low cost of living is a big plus in a city of work. The greatest advantage is a city that enhances a professional’s ability to enjoy quality work, life and family balance. Geneva offered most of these advantages while Nigeria offered me the work-life and family balance. Washington was very advantageous in offering phenomenal access to enormous networks of learning from peers and institutions. Accessing supplementary education is very easy in the US. As I said, each city of work offers different comparative advantages for the professional or worker.

    What is your message for the girl-child in Nigeria?

    In my view, we the adults are failing the girl child as well as the boy child. Both are dangerously exposed to negative development events and technologies of the 21st Century. Of course, the girl child bears, as her mother, the brunt of most of the negative cultural and technological driven disadvantages of development.

    The only advice I can give a girl child is to create awareness in her regarding her precarious state, which could even start before her birth, ‘femicide’, and provide her with strategies, skills and networks to enable her to fight off the numerous abuses she will be subjected to before her teenage years and adulthood. The girl child is a legitimate heiress of her mother in all respects, made to accept and cope with her preordained and pre-birth lower status, the paucity of her rights and the presumed ownership of her body by the boys and men in her life.

    The boy too is a real heir of his father; proudly modelled after him even before birth, with high status, numerous rights and limitless access to leadership, ownership and power over man, woman and nature. The stage for suffering abuses related to women inequality is set for a girl baby and a girl child. The rest moves into action, like a movie. The irony is that we adults marvel at how and why the girl-child should suffer so much abuse. We conveniently ignore that we wrote the script and we direct the movie of her abuses. I have tried to address this and other inequality issues suffered at all ages through an NGO, “Other Half Empowerment Initiative”, which I founded several years ago.

    Would you say that the lockdown contributed to the numerous rape cases that have occurred in Nigeria lately?

    The phenomenon of rape and other forms of violence against women and girls (VAW & G) had been rampant before COVID-19 in almost all countries, including Nigeria. Actually, VAW & G, including rape and domestic violence constituted a global pandemic long before the COVID-19 outbreak. However, there has surely been a significant spike in rape and gender-based violence cases in Nigeria since March, which incidentally was the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown. The high frequency of rapes and gruesome rape-related murders exacerbated by COVID-19 lockdown has shaken the entire nation to its roots. These heinous acts were quickly denounced with a nationwide outrage and swift action taken by Nigerians, especially by women who took to the streets to demand urgent action on rape and justice for its victims. This necessitated an urgent response from President Muhammadu Buhari who declared that ‘violence against women is a national crisis’ and reiterated his government’s commitment to fighting gender-based violence.

    I really appreciate the governors of Nigeria’s 36 states who quickly followed suit by declaring, for the first time in history, a state of emergency on rape. The serious mobilization of national consciousness, mostly by women organisations on the horrific nature of rape and rape instigated murders of young women, girls, and even elderly women fast-tracked the adoption of concrete actions to fight all forms of VAW & G. Most important among them is the proposal to establish a registry of sex offenders and rapists for the first time in this nation’s history. This is a very big step in the right direction as Nigerians are mobilized and ready to take concerted actions to address rape, which is one of the most contemptible acts of VAW & G.

    Having had the experience of coordinating the first generation of UN global VAW & G campaigns in 2000 as the Regional Programme Director of UNFEM (now UN Women) for West Africa, I greatly admire and commend the Hon. Ministers of Women Affairs and Humanitarian Affairs. Their highly coordinated and rapid-response advocacy and campaign against VAW & G yielded unprecedented, prompt and concrete results. Additionally, their strategic collaboration with women and human rights CSOs, and the clear terms of engagement and partnership with the federal and state governments, and community leaders also aided greatly in this endeavor.

  • Gaining respect in your relationship

    Gaining respect in your relationship

    By Rois Ola

    Being respected by your partner doesn’t just come to you like a free recharge card, you have to earn it and earn I mean work for it. It is everyone’s desire to be respected and not taken for granted by the one they love. Lack of respect kills intimacy; it destroys so many things and can crash all the precious things you have built with your partner.

    Respect is a powerful tool in every relationship. It is one of the major things that keep people happy together. Sometimes, people confuse respect and love as the same thing.

    In fact, they are two different things. Love and respect are two key ingredients of a healthy relationship. The following tips will help you to gain respect from your partner; In some relationships there is an equal amount of power and respect, and in others, one partner holds most of the power. To make things even more complicated, the power can shift at different points in your relationship. Maybe in the beginning you two never thought of power and respect because it felt equally distributed. But then, as time went on, you noticed things shifting and you felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend somehow had more power. Wait a second, weren’t you the Beyoncé of this couple? Or the Angelina Jolie? Power tussle sometimes can be complicated. Pride too causes power tussles and respect easily can be undermined making the other person feeling used and foolish.

    It’s normal for the power dynamic to shift in a relationship. Many things could have made the partnership structure change. But once it has swayed into a new direction (one that you may not love), how do you get on equal footing?

    Below are some ways you can gain some respect in your relationship, it may not address all, but it will address some aspects. I hope you gain some things from it to do better in your relationship

    1. Learn to speak up

    One way to become more powerful is to use your voice. Be clear about your wants and needs. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who else will? Remember, your partner ain’t no Syliva Browne, he or she can’t read your mind. Therefore, you need to use your words and tell him/her what you want and need in your partnership. One very good way to gain your partner’s respect is to speak up. People that are vocal always find it easy to gain respect everywhere. You can also apply this to your relationship. Use your voice. Your partner can’t read your mind. Therefore, you have to speak for yourself. When you are offended, let them know. And it’s very important to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. As this will improve your relationship and help you gain respect from your partner drastically.

    1. Learn to be more independent

    It should not be mistaken that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you don’t need your partner in any way, it just shows that you are capable of doing things on your own, as a powerful individual. Being able to be self-sufficient while in a relationship is very important. Your partner will admire you for this strength which in turn will favor you.

    1. Learn to have boundaries

    Having boundaries is important Everyone has their own set of rules and boundaries that they are comfortable with. You will have boundaries in your relationship and it’s vital you keep them. There are some things that will cross the line for you and you need to be able to draw that line firmly.

    1. Learn to treat yourself the way you want others too

    Instead of following the yellow brick road, how about you follow the golden rule. An easy way of gaining respect is to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect and consideration you have to give it to your partner as well. If you don’t respect yourself, then who else will? It starts with yourself. You have to show how you want to be treated. This will come through with how you treat yourself. How do you talk about yourself? Do you give yourself any power? How do you view yourself? Take a moment to truly think about how you respect yourself. Remember, confidence is contagious.

    1. Learn to keep your word

    Saying something and doing the opposite is one way to quickly lose respect. Actions speak louder than words, this is not a new phrase to you I believe.  especially in relationships. So, if you tell your partner that there will be certain repercussions for something and you don’t follow through, he or she won’t take you seriously, ever again. So follow through all the time. Or even if you make a small promise to your lover, you must keep it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

    1. Learn to not settle for less

    There’s nothing more confident and attractive as somebody who knows what he or she deserves. If you’re in a relationship where your partner knows he or she can get away with anything, well then, your power and respect have already gone out the window. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.

    No one wants an indolent partner. A hard-working partner is always respected. Ensure that you do well at work and gain more accomplishment. Give your partner a reason to be proud of you. Give them the opportunity to show you off. You can’t gain your partner’s respect if you are indolent. The hard truth is that no one likes to be associated with a loser. Your partner wants to look at you and be proud. This will boost your confidence and respect with your partner. I wish you all the best

  • Are you a bitter or better worker?

    Are you a bitter or better worker?

    By Vera Chidi-Maha

    The workplace today is filled with many dissatisfied and bitter workers; some feel that they deserve more in terms of financial remunerations for the hours they put in at work. True, every workman is worthy of his hire. But why would your employer think you don’t deserve more than you are getting? It has been said personal income does not exceed personal development. So, it might not be employer’s fault. You may simply be getting your state of development’s worth so says a theory. It therefore means that workers that lack development will keep on receiving a certain pay check each month or may even be asked to withdraw their services.

    According to Mrs. Kemi Olugade, an office assistant that rose to a managerial position in the same organisation. There is need for personal development, if a person desires more from life and even more from his or her employer. She went on to talk about steps she took before she rose to where she is now, and hopefully, she is still climbing all the way to the top. What is personal development, what has “Who I am” or “Who I must become” got to do with my work? What new things do I need to add to my person to increase my worth at work and consequently my pay? Let’s answer these questions one after the other.

    Personal development means to grow bigger, stronger and better, that is, to move from one good phase to another. To become better is to “start to have a skill, ability, quality, that become better and stronger. Is it not logical that when you advance as a person that your pay checks will be affected? To advance is to have forward movement. Those that are stagnant cannot experience new financial status. Personal and career developments go together, many companies are in search of skilled and advanced managers. If you can help your company declare huge profits, what makes you think they won’t let you have some of the profits? The million naira question is, are you developed enough to be capable for that big position that carries a BIG wage.

    Jim John in “Seven strategies for wealth and happiness, says, “The only way it gets better for you is when you get better. Better is not something you become”. Advancement comes through acquisition, that is, “to gain something by your own efforts, ability or behaviour or “to obtain something by buying or being given it”.

    John Mason says,  too many people literally unplug their clocks at a certain point in time and stay at that fixed moment the rest of their lives. We have to start reading and learning if we are not already doing so. Personal development is more or mental thing. The man or woman that is your boss is no more humane than you are. Your boss is only better than you mentally. Knowledge and skill make him better. The top is always for the better and not the bitter person.

    John Maxwell says, “The person who knows how will always have a job, but the person who knows why, will always be the boss”. Why should you remain the same and desire a new wage? Improve yourself, get more qualifications, become advanced. Don’t sleep your way to the top, grow your way to the top. If you must stop being bitter in your workplace, become better. The second question, what has got to do my work? You are the only one to readily say who you are based on your mental attitudes; who you are cannot be separated from what you are at work. There are some responsibilities that your employer will be scared to pass to you. Perhaps you appear two weak, fearful, timid or disorganised to be saddled with crucial duties at work. So, who you are can restrain you from being elevated for a pay rise.

    Many potentially gifted leaders have stopped short of the payment line and found out that short cuts don’t pay off in the long run. So, its not only your qualifications that help you get and keep a job, it is your attitude: who you are, what you are and how you work can either take you up or send you down and even out of the workplace. The third question, what new things do I need to add to my person to increase my worth at work and consequently my pay? John Mason answers by saying, “you cannot become what you are destined to be by remaining where you are. When you change yourself, opportunities will charge. Where do you want to reach on your job? This is the question that will determine your new additives. Slandering, gossiping, slothfulness and bitterness may profit you as a junior worker but if your desire is to be a boss with new challenges and pay rise you must change.

    Which group of workers are you in at the moment? The better or the bitter? Until you are better, you lack job security, change your mental attitudes so that your actions can change.

    New opportunities await a changed you. Get ready for a brighter rewarding future, especially with the relief of the lockdown.

    Stay safe.

  • ‘How police commissioner impregnated, abandoned me with baby’

    ‘How police commissioner impregnated, abandoned me with baby’

    For 42-year-old Ms Wanger Eunice Iortile, a romance that commenced on a sweet note about 17 years ago has turned into a nightmare. Fatai Shittu, then a Commissioner of Police in Nasarawa State, allegedly abandoned her with a pregnancy and returned to his home town in Ogun State upon retirement while Eunice is left all alone to fend for herself and their now eight-year-old boy David, LINUS OOTA reports.

     

    In the company of her only son, Ms Wanger Eunice Iortile, 42, sat quietly under the tattered roof of her austere beer palour at Mammy Market, opposite Nasarawa State Polytechnic, Lafia.

    She was completely oblivious of the usually gay atmosphere around her shop as she cuddled his one and only eight-year-old son.

    The baby boy, according to her, is a product of the years of intimate relationship he had with a now retired Commissioner of Police named Fatai Shittu while the latter was serving in Nasarawa State.

    On his part, David, the eight-year-old product of the ill-fated affair, munched away on sweets in childhood innocence as if there was nothing in life to worry about.

    But the reality, according to his distraught mother, is that his father had abandoned him from cradle and refused to be part of his life.

    The situation has virtually turned Eunice into a recluse, such that not even the reporter had an inkling of the hell she was going through until she began to narrate her ordeal.

    According to her, her hot romance with Shittu was the envy of many when they hit it off in Abuja about 17 years ago. But she recalled in an emotive voice that the past 11 years can be summed up as the worst of her life.

    If she knew, she said, she would have heeded the retired police officer’s insistence that she should abort the pregnancy.

    She said: “He (Shittu) is the father of my only son, but he left me even before the boy was born.

    “My son and I have been through a very rough patch.

    “It got to a point that I asked myself if Fatai Shittu is still the man I so much loved and we had the best of time together.”

    Wiping tears off her eyes with the back of her hand as she spoke, she continued: “He was my best friend and we had a beautiful love affair. I met Fatai Shittu in Abuja (Wuse 11) in 2003. He was staying in the Kwara State Government Lodge, and we dated for nine years before I got pregnant for him.

    “He used to patronise my elder sister’s drinking joint in Wuse II. That was where I met him and we started the relationship.

    “When he was later transferred to the Ebonyi State Police Command in 2006, we went together and spent about a year there before he was transferred back to Abuja.

    “I was like a wife to him because his family stays in Ogun State where he comes from.

    “We were so close, and within this period, I never dated any other man until in 2010 when I took in for him.

    “He threatened me and tried to force me to have an abortion but I refused.

    “He insisted that I should abort the pregnancy because he was about to retire from the service to meet his family in Ogun State.

    “When I refused to abort the pregnancy, he told me that if I was delivered of a baby girl, he would take it because he didn’t have a girl among his children. But if it was a baby boy, he would not take it.

    “After a heated argument, he agreed to take responsibility for the baby.

    “Before then, he had given me N30,000 to abort the pregnancy, but I refused.

    “He eventually retired in 2010 as a Commissioner of Police at the Force Headquarters in Abuja.

    “When he was relocating to his village in Ogun State, he gave me N150,000 to take care of myself and start a business, promising to take care of the baby when delivered. We were in constant touch on the phone.

    “On July 3, 2011, I was delivered of a baby boy through CS (Caesarian Section) at the National

    hospital Abuja. My hospital bill was N467,000, but he only sent N125,000 for me to settle the bill.

    “Since then, he stopped picking my calls until in April 2018 when he picked it and told me not to disturb him again as he was enjoying his retirement with his family in Ogun State.

    “Since then, I have shut myself within me. It has been an immense emotional damage and I have been carrying all the stress of life by myself.

    “He has refused to hear me out. I wanted him to hear me out, to show that he cares about how I feel and to notice what I am going through.”

    David
    David

    Eunice recalled that life became so difficult for her in Abuja that taking care of herself and her little boy became difficult.

    She said: “I decided to relocate to Lafia in January 2017 to start a beer parlour. But it is not moving, and I can’t afford the little boy’s school fees and take care of his needs.

    “I’m going through a very rough patch.

    “If he denies that he is not my son’s father, let him come so that we can go for DNA test. Where does he want me to take his son to?

    “He is the biological father of my son, and it is better he comes out and take responsibility.”

    I want to see daddy, says little David

    Lending his voice to his mother’s cry that his father should have a rethink, eight-year-old David said in an emotion laden voice: “My father left us even before I was born. My mother was rejected and was alone when she delivered me.

    “My father rejected the pregnancy but my mother refused to abort it. As a single parent, my mum summoned courage to bring me up.

    “How I wish I knew my father! How I wish I met him! I was still in my mother’s womb when he fled and refused to take responsibility.

    “Imagine the trauma of growing up without a father!

    “But I thank God for the gift of a good mother. She sold her clothes and did all sorts of menial Jobs to take care of me.

    “She has had to borrow money from people which resulted in so many insults and humiliation, just for her to see me through school.

    She is doing her best to fill the vacuum left by my father who is enjoying his retirement in Ogun State and has refused to set his eyes on me or hear my voice.”

     

    ‘I want to become a lawyer’

    David, a Primary 3 pupil, says his ambition is to become a lawyer or a reverend father when he grows up. He appealed to CP Shittu (rtd) to temper justice with mercy if his mother offended him and pick him up so that he would know his place of origin.

    “I’m so much missing my daddy. I don’t know why he rejected me. My future is bright,” he said, bursting into tears.

    Eunice said her dilemma now is that her son is very keen on meeting his father.

    “He (Shittu) has not seen him since he was born, and he is being harassed in school because he cannot tell his school mates who his father is.

    “He is nagging and I don’t think he is going to let go of this until he gets to the bottom of the matter.

    “Even as little as he is, he is very intelligent and doing very well in school.

    “I don’t just know what to do now as his father has refused to see him or hear from him.

    “Initially, he was schooling at New Age Academy School in Lafia. The school fee was N12,000 but I cannot afford it now, so I transferred him to Eunice Christian Academy, Lafia where the school fee is N7,000 per term.

    “Yet it is not easy to pay and still take care of his other needs.

    “He constantly tells me he wants to be a lawyer or a reverend father.”

    CP Shittu’s reaction

    Contacted on his mobile phone by our correspondent, CP Shittu (rtd) admitted knowing Eunice.

    He, however, said he was not in the mode to respond to the reporter’s enquiries because he was busy.

    “I know the woman you are talking about. I also know about the pregnancy,” he said. “But I’m very

    busy now. Let us talk later.”

    However, subsequent calls made to his phone went unanswered.