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Category: Weekend Treat

  • How to cope with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband

    TRYING to cope with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband can be very difficult. Abusers create an unfair playing field so they can be in control. Tactics abusers use include intimidation, humiliation, coercion and isolation. Nearly one in seven American women have experienced this type of abuse by an intimate partner during the past 12 months, according to the 2010 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.” While there is nothing you can do to make your husband stop being abusive, you can regain some control over your life to make it better.

    Step 1: Living with emotional and verbal abuse can take its toll on your health and general well-being. Take care of yourself and find healthy ways to deal with the stress of an abusive marriage. Eat healthy foods and try to get enough rest. Remind yourself of your unique qualities and talents. Indulge in a hobby or interest you enjoy. Try starting an exercise routine or reading a good book to escape for a while.

    Step 2: Keep your support system strong. Try to maintain your relationships with friends and family as much as you can. Your husband may try to limit the amount of time you spend with others or sabotage your friendships. Tell them what is going on so they will understand if they don’t hear from you.

    Step 3: Learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Knowing more about the pattern of abuse will help you understand that the abuse is not your fault but is something your husband chooses to do. Speak to a domestic violence advocate in your community or call the Domestic Violence Hotline

    Step 4: Set some boundaries with your husband. When he starts a verbal tirade, do not engage and try match his abuse. Psychologist Marie Hartwell-Walker’s article “Signs You Are Verbally Abused: Part II,” published on the Psych Central website, suggests calmly letting him know that you are sorry he feels that way, but that you expect him to treat you with respect. If he continues, simply walk out of the room and give him time to cool off.

    Step 5: Prepare a safety plan. In its post “What Is Safety Planning?” The National Domestic Violence Hotline stresses the importance of developing a practical, personalized plan to stay safe while in an abusive relationship, when leaving an abuser or after the relationship is over. Even if your husband has never been physically violent, verbal and emotional abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse. Your plan should include identifying safe areas of your home and planning an escape route. You should keep a phone with you at all times and know who you can call for help. Create a code word or signal so trusted friends and neighbors know if you need emergency assistance.

    Tips: Keep your car filled with gas and back it into your driveway. Lock all doors except the driver’s in case you need to make a quick escape.

    Warnings

    Take extra precautions if you decide to leave your husband. Abuse can escalate when a victim tries to leave, or when the abuser fears you might. If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 911.

     

    Source: livestrong.com

  • How to stop arguing…solving relationship problems

    YOU’RE a couple in love. Naturally, you’re going to fight once in awhile. However, being frustrated or angry with your partner doesn’t have to be destructive, as long as you know how to approach the argument.

    For the purposes of this article, we’re going to talk about romantic relationships. Obviously, any argument with another person can benefit from some of these principles, but different relationship dynamics require different approaches. What’s appropriate for your boyfriend may not be the best solution for dealing with your boss or your crappy roommate. Romantic relationships have their own unique challenges and its best to deal with problems when they start.

    Recognize there are two problems: your emotions and the situation

    When you first get upset or angry with your significant other, there are almost always two problems: your emotions and the actual problem. For example, say you’re frustrated with your partner for not doing the dishes. You now have two problems to solve: the dishes need to be done and you need to no longer be upset with your partner for not doing them.

    In most other areas in life, we recognize that you need to prioritize your problems and deal with them separately. It only makes sense to do the same with your fights. Before you tell your loved one something along the lines of “For the love of crap, could you please do the dishes for once?!” you may want to make sure you’re not one of those irrational people that make productive discussions difficult.

    When you’re angry and aimed at your loved one, that’s the worst time to start airing your grievances (save that for Festivus):

    For instance, Dr. Lerner mentions that in order to address grievances or differing ideas of what to do about an up-coming dilemma, couples need to take a calming break from talking together if either or both are getting emotionally heated. As she says, “Anger is an important emotion” but “when tempers flare our capacity for clear thinking, empathy, and creative problem-solving go down the drain…” Discussions are far more likely to prove productive when both parties are calm enough to be open to hearing the other person’s perspective, and to be able to express their own concerns without finger-pointing.

    Of course, being frustrated and venting anger is all normal (though continually ruminating on your problems without doing anything can just make you angrier). Accepting that your emotions are a real thing that need to be dealt with and distinct from the subject of your actual argument sets the stage for resolution.

    Deal with your emotions first

    When it comes to anger management, everyone has their own way to chill out. If you find yourself on the verge of a fight with your loved one, take a moment to deal with your stress, and allow them to do the same. In most cases, it’s probably best for you to do so alone (though in some sensitive situations, simply taking a moment to breathe where you are can help, too). Do whatever brings your energy down. Go for a walk. Listen to loud music. Write an angry note and then destroy it.

    This will work best if you let your partner know ahead of time how you best handle stress. Stomping off, muttering under your breath without a word is a quick way to hurt someone. Before you find yourself in a fight, know how your loved one deals with anger and make sure they know what you need. Even saying “I need to go for a walk. Let’s talk in a few minutes,” is more beneficial than “Whatever.”

    Most importantly, once you’re done calming down, come back. As we mentioned earlier, when a fight erupts, you’re dealing with two problems. Calming down solves one problem and it’s easy to feel like everything is better. Sometimes it is, but if you’re having a persistent problem with your partner, it won’t disappear just because you rocked out to Bohemian Rhapsody for a bit.

    Deal with the situation when you come back

    Once you’ve calmed down, you can start approaching your problem rationally. For starters, you’re now in a better position to choose your battles. Fighting with your partner over not doing the dishes for the first time when he’s had a long day may not be worth it. On the other hand, if you’ve gone thirteen straight weeks without spending an evening together, a discussion is probably worth having.

    When you come back to have a discussion with your loved one, take a collaborative approach. If you engage a problem as you vs. your partner, you create barriers that only make a happy relationship harder. As Psychology Today puts it:

    Fighting of any sort indicates that partners have taken a stance against each other. Fighting pits me against you, with expectations that one of us will emerge as a winner and the other as the loser. Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win.

    Collaborative partnering, by contrast, involves side-by-side problem-solving. In collaborative discussions of even the most sensitive and difficult issues, both parties pursue mutual understanding. Both seek to understand the other’s point of view as well as to express their own concerns. Both presume that a broader and deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s concerns will open a pathway for moving forward that will be responsive to all of these concerns.

    Sometimes the problems will simply be how you feel. “When you won’t put your smartphone down at dinner, it makes me feel neglected” is just as legitimate of a problem as arguments over household chores. The important thing is to express the issue as something that the two of you can work together to resolve.

    Once the talk is done, be sure to take action. Your ability to communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond with your partner, but if nothing changes, you’ll be having the same conversations again in a week.

    Once the two of you have established what needs to change, follow the same tactics you would to form good habits. Remind yourself later about the things your partner wants to change. Don’t rely on memory alone.

    Make Up

    You’ve gotten angry. You’ve calmed down. You’ve talked it out. You’ve come up with a plan for what needs to change. Everything’s good, right? Well, probably. If you stop there and do nothing else, you’ll still be doing better than the average yelling match. However, if you want to be sure that this becomes a habit, reward yourselves.

    Cuddling, watching a movie, or having good old-fashioned makeup sex are all positive ways to end an argument on a happy note (though if you skip the conflict resolution steps, makeup sex can actually be a destructive habit on the level of cocaine). Ideally, you’ll enjoy your significant other’s company and make each other happy. If the two of you have had a healthy discussion about your issues, take a moment to reward yourself with each other’s company.

    It may sound cheesy, but rewarding constructive behavior is a basic tenet of manipulating ourselves and others into self-improvement. If that’s not enough, science shows that the old adage “Don’t go to bed angry” rings true. Instead of settling for just not being angry, do what you can to go to bed happy, content, and looking forward to a better relationship than you had yesterday.

     

    Source: lifehacker.com

  • Wahala of dating outside your social class -Nkem

    Wahala of dating outside your social class -Nkem

    We grew up watching classics like Cinderella, Coming to America, Pretty Woman, Nollywood’s Violated and a couple of other movies where love conquered the social class divide.
    Fast forward to 2017, the Internet rules; anyone can meet anyone, and nobody kicks up a fuss about cross-class relationships or marriages anymore. It is not considered overtly scandalous. We no longer factor it
    in when considering the root of our relationship problems, and we look to psychology or gender norms instead when trying to figure out why our partner is being an ass. We pretend that we live in a classless society where background does not matter as much as present compatibility.
    Things are changing and people’s classes are no longer inscribed in stone.
    Believe it or not though, social class or shall we say socio-economic differences, still pose a very difficult challenge in relationships today. Anyone who has dated someone outside their social class can affirm that there are strange tensions and inevitable speed bumps that come with these kinds of relationships. It can be fraught with complications.
    For instance, your boyfriend could be from a high-class, wealthy family while you come from a working-class family with less money. He travels a lot and has been to all these places around the world just for fun, while you have never crossed the borders of Nigeria. You start to think you cannot keep up with him because you have to be extremely careful with money. Also, you know that the only way both of you could travel together on a regular basis is if he pays for you, and that just seems wrong.
    Likewise, it could be the other way round and you are the girl from an upper-middle-class family, while your man has a working class background. Of course, financial equality does not mean cultural equality, so you wonder why he attaches too much importance to simple things like good food or designer labels. He, on the other hand, gets exasperated by your easy-come-easy-go spending attitude.
    A couple of days ago, while having drinks with some friends at Intercontinental hotel (which turned out to be a horrible experience, as the place is nothing like a 5 star hotel…or even a 4 star -the food is
    substandard and the roof of the bar leaks), a friend mentioned her recent experience on a date. She had gone out with a guy who, although was wealthy, obviously had a working-class background.
    Being a girl brought up in an upper-middle-class home, the first thing she noticed was the huge gap in their personalities. According to her, his mentality was very different from hers. While he had asked her to pick any venue -a way to let her know he could afford her tastes, he had hinted on the food being overpriced (although, he could clearly afford it) and exhibited terrible table manners. Also, he had felt the need to talkabout his achievements and how he had risen above all …as though she made him feel insecure, and he needed a form of validation from her.
    Again, there was the fact that his diction was flawed, and their experiences growing up were very different.
    Of course, her intention was not to ridicule the guy. She had shared her experience to find out if her declining a second date with the guy and refusing to speak to him again afterward portrayed her as being a snob.
    Another friend who was out with us, *Bisi, jumped in and assured her that she made the right call nipping it all in the bud – she was better off with someone in her class.
    Bisi spoke from experience, seeing as she had married into a super wealthy home despite being from a lower middle-class home. Prior to her marriage there had been endless disputes over her husband marrying down, and her family’s wealth being all too recently acquired. According to her, while cross-class pairings or relationships seemed egalitarian, it was complicated and required a lot of work. Bisi stated that stereotypical class prejudices are real – in any cross-social class relationship, both parties would have differing views, beliefs, attitudes, and practices on things such as child-rearing, money
    management, career advancement, how to spend leisure time e.t.c.
    This would go on to stir feelings of insecurity, resentment, usually in the partner on the “lower” side of this difference. And as a result, there will be a lot of negative pressure, tension, conflict as well as a
    sort of imbalance in the relationship, making it difficult for the couple to last long or even survive.
    Bisi went on to share some of her experiences in marriage which all seemed a little incredible, and in between laughs, it dawned on me that I’d never dated anyone outside of my socioeconomic strata, which I’d describe as middle class. I have never been with any one of the glitterati nor have I been with a blue collar. Obviously, I have nothing against it, but it certainly would be quite a chore building a relationship with someone from a dramatically different social background, wouldn’t it?
    Sure, all relationships take work, but with a combination maturity and a willingness to healthily compromise, you can overcome any relationship problem. However, it is better to opt for one which isn’t already threatened by the boundaries of class at the initial point…don’t you think?
    Have you ever dated someone with a richer or poorer background than yours? What were the issues? How did it work out?
    Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached
    for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting,
    ghost writing, copy proofreading and reviews. She has since worked with
    Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Check out her Instagram:
    @kem_dem, twitter: @ndemv and snapchat:@ndemv. Email:
  • Desperate cheating husband begs Instagram to delete angry girlfriend’s confession

    Desperate cheating husband begs Instagram to delete angry girlfriend’s confession

    A married man is currently on his knees, pleading with a social media relationship page to take down his girlfriend’s post.

    From the girlfriend’s post on Instagram page, Break or Makeup, the girlfriend had taunted the wife of her married boyfriend, insisting that she was the man’s lover before he met and married the other woman.

    Stating that she was at their wedding, the irate girlfriend revealed that while other guests were busy praying for the success of the new marriage, she was actually cursing, asking the gods to ensure that the marriage hit the rocks in record time.

    Her prayers seem to have been answered, as the newly married man/her former lover soon retraced his way back to her after a fight with his new bride.

    The girlfriend said she did not only cook bitter leaf soup for the man, she also had sex with him.

    However, the man, who seems to have regretted his action, has invaded the relationship site, begging the administrators to put down his girlfriend’s post.

    He claims to still love his wife, but the administrators would have none of that, and went ahead to further post his plea.

    Meanwhile, the girlfriend has started another round of prayers, asking the gods to make her conceive so that even if the man refuses to marry her, she would at least be a ‘baby mama.’

    See her post

    And the cheating husband’s plea:

    This is the wife’s rejoinder to the girlfriend’s post:

  • How to handle unwanted attention

    WHO doesn’t like to be the center of attention every now and then? But sometimes unwanted attention can ruin everything. Fortunately, Modern Manners Guy is here with 3 tips to make your life easier

    Whether you’re in extrovert who will do anything for attention or the quietest introvert ever, attention does have its price. And unwanted attention comes with a very steep price, since it’s usually more of a pain than flattery. Now, I’m not talking about celebrities who spend their entire lives stabbing people in the back to be on the cover of People Magazine, only to hide behind sunglasses once they get there. What I’m talking about is us regular folk who have to deal with unwanted attention at some point in our lives.

    Of course, it’s nice to have someone pay attention to you or give you a compliment, but sometimes it seems like that attention comes from the most annoying person on the planet who just doesn’t quite get the hint.

    So before you feel like running for the hills because “you know who” is walking your way, check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for how to properly handle unwanted attention:

    Tip 1: The delusional ex

    The point here is that when someone is no longer a part of your life romantically, but doesn’t get the hint, it can be awkward. Let me first say, you should never be rude or cruel to someone just because they’re annoying. However, if it’s clear they they’re just not getting the picture you have two options:

    (1`) Keep the charade going or (2) Ignore them.

    Number 1 seems pretty easy and painless, but I recommend number 2. Allow me to explain. Ignoring someone is not rude, it’s the polite way of making it understood that you are not interested in associating with them any longer. And that’s your prerogative. Granted, if you’re being immature about it and using the silent treatment as a weapon of contempt then that needs to end pronto. But the adult way to ignore someone is to simply stand your ground and choose not to associate with them. They may think it’s rude, but you have a life to live and it’s up to you to decide who gets to be a part of it. Don’t email them. Don’t call them back. Don’t invite them into your immediate circle. It may appear cold, but what’s worse: pretending to be their friend while mocking them behind their back or politely letting them know you’re not friends any longer?

    Tip 2: The coworker who isn’t working

    Annoying coworkers are about as common as annoying meetings. No matter where you work, there’s always going to be someone who could very well be the most annoying person that ever existed. And unfortunately, there’s always one person that this annoying coworker latches onto.

    This person will spend too much time at your cube or office. They will always ask you to lunch (and you’ll never ask them). They’ll call and email you pictures or funny articles that A) aren’t funny and B) have nothing to do with work. If you are the one who attracts said annoying coworker, then I’m very sorry for you. But have no fearthere is light at the end of the tunnel…just don’t turn around because chances are that annoying coworker followed you into that tunnel.

    Because this is your workplace, you have to be careful about how you deal with a coworker who gives you unwanted attention. You can’t be as stern as you may be with someone in your personal life. Since you see this person every day and honestly, may even end up working directly with or even for them at some point, you don’t want to burn any bridges. So flat-out telling this person to leave you alone is not an option. That leaves you with 2 possibilities:

    Reject their advances. If they ask you to lunch, always politely decline. Drinks after work? Nope, can’t make it. Carpool to the conference or meeting? No, I’m driving with someone already. This way, you’re making yourself very clear without being blunt. For this strategy to work you must be consistent. Do not accept lunch (even if they’re buying); do not follow your rejection of the carpool with “Would you like to join us?” Mixed messages will only prolong the attention.

    Talk to the boss, If a person is constantly smothering you at work and taking over your space, you can easily tell your boss. However, don’t say, “Bob is always around me and won’t leave me alone!” That’s just complaining. Try something like, “I’m sure Bob is a great guy, but he is spending way too much time by my desk and honestly it’s distracting me from my duties.” If you position the attention as something that reduces your productivity, your boss will jump to handle it. And you can even request that your name to be kept out of the conversation.

    Tip 3: The social media maven

    Social media makes us very brave. It turns ordinary people into comedians and the quietest person into the biggest loudmouth. And as much as I love Facebook and Twitter, it’s an easy way for people to constantly flood you with messages, photos, or invites. Don’t get me started on the invites. Maddening!

    Here’s an example: My friend Dave was besieged by an old camp mate of his from when he was nine. This guy constantly sent Dave photos of the good ol’ days, invited him to hang out, offered tickets to ballgames, and even suggested Dave come on vacation with his family. Really? This went on and on and got to a point where Dave was actually considering canceling his Facebook account altogether because he couldn’t take it anymore. Thankfully, he’s friends with Modern Manners Guy and I told him the alternative to such drastic measures.

    If someone is giving you unwanted attention on social media sites, you should simply block them from seeing your pages. On Twitter, blocking allows the annoying “friend” to look at your page as a standalone site, but not receive any updates. And on Facebook, blocking them pretty much erases them from your circle. The downside is that after a while they will catch on that they’re not quite as involved in your life as they used to be…or so they thought. Of course, you know that they never were a part of your world and you hated the attention from the start.

    Blocking is the quickest and most mannerly way to handle an unwanted social media maven. Yes, they may not like it (and may even badmouth you to their circle), but as I said in Tip #1, it’s your life and you should be able to choose who is a part of itno matter how great their football season tickets are.

     

    Annoying Ex, Annoying Coworker and Social Media Maven images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple(2)

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er… “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the cliché of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun… Now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we…” and “Do you remember…” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is… there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple

    ALL marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble”.  Raymond Hull

    So how do you make your marriage work? Or do you just blindly hope it’ll take care of itself?

    Think of a hot, successful date with someone you’re attracted to. You have fun, great conversation and more sexual chemistry than a warehouse full of pheromones. You don’t have to “work at” the date because it’s self sustaining. It runs as smoothly as the gliding hand of a classical guitar maestro and you can’t wait for another rendition.

    But marriage, or any long term relationship; well that’s a whole other caboodle.

    If we’re not careful, marriage can deteriorate into little more than a torturous assault course; littered with routine boredoms, frustrations and resentments. Couple all that with external pressures and sometimes marriage feels not worth the effort. But there are major benefits to being hitched or committed, other than just a beneficial tax regime.

    Healthy marriage; healthy people

    Being happily married bestows heaps of health benefits. You might be forgiven for thinking that if you’re married you don’t live longer it just seems like it but, no, a good marriage really can help you clock up more years (1) and married people are happier (2) even though they don’t always look it from the outside.

    But when marriage doesn’t work it can feel being manacled to a maniac, marooned with a misogynist or nailed to a nag. And I don’t care what the studies say, that’s not healthy. You may hear couples say stuff like: “We are making our marriage work!” but how do we do this?

    Making it work .

    We pay lip service to “working on the marriage” but what is the work we need to do? Marriage vows such as-“to love and to cherish” and “forsaking all others, for better or for worse” don’t really tell us how to make it work, although they give us a clue.

    Fortunately a ton of research has been done on what to do and not do to make your marriage, or any intimate relationship work. Follow the guidelines here to become “good at marriage”.

    Tip one: Be romantic but keep it real

    We are all (force?) fed romance in movies and novels. The handsome man gets the beautiful woman. But what I wonder is what happens after our romantic couple ride off into the sunset together? What do they do exactly? Bicker? Moan at one another? Start to ignore each other?

    After all that romance, our beautiful couple is bound to have massive expectations of their life together. But when rose tinted expectations clash with day to reality, watch out!

    Romance is vital in any relationship. Always seeing the best in your partner helps to keep things intimate and love should be expressed. But if you have been raised on Mills and Boon Romance novels or feel-good movies, then your own romantic expectations can work against the sustainability of your long term relationship.

    When day to day life fails to live up to the giddy, heady lust-filled days of the pre-settled down romance people can become angry, even blame one another: “This wasn’t what I signed up for”. They find it hard to take the rough with the smooth because they never really figured there would be any rough.

    Expectations not diluted with at least a dash of realism can be a royal road to relationship ruin. Your partner may be an angel, but they have feet of clay. You must learn to love those feet or at least accept them a bit!

    Tip two: Say sorry so you won’t be

    Some people don’t apologize, and can never admit they were wrong. Sorry isn’t a word they can say unless they are asking you to be. If such people drive you nuts, console yourself with the thought that they don’t keep relationships very long

    People who don’t say sorry to their partner are much less likely to ever become married, or if they do they are much less likely to stay married. Never or seldom apologizing is a relationship crusher because one partner ends up feeling always in the wrong.

    A survey conducted in San Francisco (3) found that people who stay happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to apologize to their partners as divorced or single people are. The survey found happily married people are 25% more likely to apologize first, even if they only feel partially to blame. The harder divorced and single people found it ever to apologize or make conciliatory gestures, the more likely they were to stay single.

    Romance, passion and good Italian food may bring couples together, but compromise and respect will keep them there. Say sorry sometimes.

    Tip Three:  Drive those relationship-ruining bandits out of town.

    The marriage psychologist John Gottman spent decades observing the interactions between married couples behind a one way mirror (legally!). He and his researchers found they could predict amazingly accurately which marriages would stay the course and which would crash and burn. They could tell with great accuracy which couples were destined for relationship break up after listening (and watching) just five minutes of discussion regarding a difficult issue.

    It wasn’t how often they argued it was how they argued that was key to relationship longevity or marriage.

    There are four ways of communicating which are toxic to marriage. What Gottman describes ‘The “Four riders of the Apocalypse’, any one of which, if it’s a repeating feature of couples communication, is a big predictor of a not so happy ever after  and soon!

    So what are the Four Apocalyptic Riders you need to steer clear of?

     

     

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er… “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the cliché of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun… now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we…” and “Do you remember…” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is… there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    The time you spend with your spouse right before you drift off to sleep is arguably the most important interaction you’ll have all day. Largely, it helps you overcome all day stress and the hectic workload at the office or place of business.

    Below, relationship experts share seven bedtime mistakes couples often make — and how to get back on track.

    1. Going to bed at different times.
    Sorry, night owl/early bird couples: Differing sleep schedules may seem like no big thing, but it’s more harmful than you realise, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and author ofMarriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

    “It’s a recipe for feeling lonely and emotionally (and physically) detached from each other,” she said. “One of the best things about being a couple is the warm, fuzzy time you share right before drifting off to sleep — why would anyone want to sacrifice that?”

    If you’re going to bed at separate times, there may be more to it than meets the eye, said Berger. “A conflict or grudge might exist that you need to talk about earlier in the day.”

    RELATED POST: Best sexual positions for first timers

    2. Being inconsiderate of your spouse’s schedule.
    If your late night TV or texting habits are getting in the way of your spouse’s rest, it may be time to move the flat screen or smartphone out of the bedroom, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist based in Little Rock, Arkansas. Whetstone called on a real life example to illustrate her point.

    One husband I counselled was a physician and had to be at the hospital by 6:00 a.m. every weekday. He pleaded with his wife, a stay-at-home mum, to not watch TV when he was trying to get a good night’s sleep but she wanted to keep it on all night as background noise

    Whetstone recalled. “Despite every effort ­– like suggesting she get headphones or he get earplugs and blinders for his eyes — nothing brought him peace and she would not budge. A few years later, they divorced.”

    3. Saying nothing — or very little — to each other before bed.
    After a long day of work and looking after the kids, who can blame you for wanting to jump into bed and call it a night? Still, it’s worth trying to carve out some time to emotionally reconnect with your spouse.
    “Take the time to talk about the highlights and low points of your day,” said LiYana Silver, a San Francisco-based relationship coach. “There’s no need to offer advice or therapy to each other — just keep it to a short share.”

    4. Spending time with your smartphone over quality time with your spouse.
    Do yourself a favour and escort your smartphone out of the room before you head to bed. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and texts should always take a backseat to your spouse, but especially before bed, Berger said.

    ALSO: Dealing with masturbation

    “Taking a tablet or phone to bed with you harms your relationship in two ways: First, it isolates you emotionally from each other,” she said. “Secondly, when we’re on electronic device shortly before sleep, the stimulation from the screen tends to keep you awake. With insufficient sleep, we’re likely to be less patient, kind and tolerant toward our partner the next day.”

    5. Self-grooming in bed.
    Save the grooming regimen for the bathroom. As Whetstone has heard from clients, nothing kills romance quite like an errant toenail flicking you in the face.A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed,” Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.”

    A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed. Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.

    6. Putting physical intimacy on the back burner.
    Starting to feel more like roommates than spouses? If one of you is avoiding coming to bed or is seemingly disinterested in sex, talk through your issues before you hit the sheets, said Whetstone.
    “When it comes to sex, quite a few clients have told me they suspect that their spouse won’t come to bed at the same time they do because they want to avoid sex — and quite a few don’t deny that,” she said.”I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    “I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    7. Going to bed angry.
    You shouldn’t abruptly end an argument just because it’s late and you’re both tired. But allowing unresolved conflicts or misunderstandings to fester time and time again isn’t good for your marriage, either.

    “There is a good reason for the saying, ‘Don’t go to bed angry,’” said Berger.

    “Instead, do your best to clear up issues well before bedtime, so when you’re ready to turn in for the night you’ll both want to communicate lovingly, in words, tone and actions.”

     

    First appeared on Huffington Post

  • ‘Why I’m in love with fruities’

    ‘Why I’m in love with fruities’

    Princess Oluwabukola Ogunmokun is a graduate of Business Studies, Kwara State Polytechnic. She worked briefly with some private organisations before trying out her passion. In this short encounter with Gbenga Aderanti, she tells the story about why she ventured into private business

    Tell me your line of business and how long have you been doing it?

    My line of business is simply pure fresh fruit juice. Extractor undiluted. I do musical video shoots …and get paid for it .and I also do studio musical recording or even a back up singer. My attitude to life is if one channel is not yielding result, I switch to another .I hate  being stagnant.

    Aside this, what other things do you do?

    Aside this I make beads .and I also do movies.

    What are the challenges of doing this kind of business?

    You face challenges trying to convince people to give you the opportunity to prove yourself, especially when there are no recommendations ,you test run on free jobs at first so that you could me known.

    Tell me the edge your brand has over your competitors.

    As per my brand having an edge, it is all about being classy in all your endeavours . By doing that with little or no effort, you stand out . I started the fruities by making some for myself &,friends at home that was how I got the inspiration. If you have passion for something you will do well. I put passion into this, and it is working well for me.

    Where do you see your business in the next ten years?

    In the next 10 years, Im sure I will grow big and I trust God for a massive achievement.

    What was the initial capital you invested in the business?

    The capital I invested was just a token. but the zeal has grown the business. Apart from that the hunger for a better life.in the midst of recession has really buoyed me on.

    Would you say you are satisfied with your achievement so far?

    I’m not satisfied..but I thank God for He always at my back. I’m double sure it can only get better for me.

    Where do you think government can help you?

    By making the environment condusive for small and private.

  • Reasons why you should travel with your partner

    Reasons why you should travel with your partner

    When it comes to travel escapades, nothing is more than romantic than a getaway for two. While traveling with a gang of buddies can be quite fun, it’s nothing compared to staying in a beautiful place with someone you adore and love

    TRAVELING is truly one of the coolest and most amazing things you can do together with your loved one. While solo travel can be empowering, inspiring and rewarding, a trip with your special someone can create blissfully sweet memories that you will cherish forever.

    What’s more, it is intrinsically stimulating and romantic in ways that your life at your apartment or home can never be. Trust me, a weekend on the road with your partner is a lot more enriching than a month’s worth of candle-lit dining and shopping.

     

    1. Improves intimacy

    Did you know that couples who travel often have better and more intimate sex lives than those who don’t? Yes folks, a survey conducted by the US Travel Association in 2013 suggested that traveling with your partner is more likely to create a spark of romance in your relationship than a gift.  And according to the survey, 77 percent of those who travel with their significant other have admitted that they have a good, happy and intimate sex life.

    1. Travel strengthens your relationship

    When you travel with your partner, you get to face a ton of challenges, experiences and obstacles that will help develop a bond that is much stronger than the bond built through Netflix watching movies or shopping. Whether you’re cage diving with the sharks in Cape Town or getting lost in a big city like New York, the experiences in your travel as a couple provide a lot of opportunities for relationship growth. Plus, travel can test the strength of your relationship.

    1. Create and share unforgettable moments

    You’ll be writing together history as well as create awesome adventures and moments to which you will always look back with affection and humor.

    1. Home is where the heart is

    No matter where you are, home will never feel too far away, when you have the person you care and love the most by your side.

    1. Some travel experiences are best when shared

    There are some travel experiences like sunset gazing in Bali or dining on an Italian cliff restaurant that feel more magical when you have a special someone to share those special moments with you.

    1. It’s more economical

    Traveling with someone is far more economical than traveling solo since you will be sharing the costs your meals, taxi cab fares, activities and accommodations.

    1. Someone to lighten you up in unpleasant times

    Let’s face it, horrible situations and unforeseen events are almost inevitable, when you are traveling.  Stolen bags, lost reservations, missed train rides and delayed flights are just some of the unpleasant things that can happen on the road. Fortunately, you have someone with you to lighten things up and ease the situation.

    1. It’s very romantic

    When it comes to travel escapades, nothing is more than romantic than a getaway for two. While traveling with a gang of buddies can be quite fun, it’s nothing compared to staying in a beautiful place with someone you adore and love.

    1. You won’t get bored

    Long bus rides and flights are more fun and entertaining when you have your favorite person sitting right next to you. Honestly, it is far better than reading a novel about vampires and werewolves, or playing your favorite game on your smartphone.

    1. It brings out your partner’s true character

    Heading towards a serious relationship? Then, make sure to have an adventurous travel escapade with him or her before committing. Traveling, in many ways, can push your partner away from his or her comfort zones, which will let you discover your partner’s positive and negative traits.

    Also, the combination of culture shock and exhausting globetrotting can somehow bring out some of the deeply hidden flaws of your partner’s character. That’s why you should keep an eye of how your loved one acts toward hotel staff, flight attendants and waiters during your time together on the road.

    1. Small surprising discoveries

    There are tons of fun and surprising discoveries that can happen when you travel abroad with your partner. Who knows? Your partner may be well-versed in Icelandic folklore, or could speak conversational Mandarin.

    1. New experiences together

    Can you remember the last time you, as a couple, did something new? As you travel with your special someone, you will have plenty of opportunities to experience something both of you have never tried before.

    1. Someone’s got your back

    It is just nice to have someone you trust to watch your bag and personal belongings, while you take a quick nap or go to a bathroom.

    1. Two thinking heads are better than one

    Traveling as a couple lets you share the burden of travel planning and decision making. More importantly, it improves your chances of making the right decisions.

    1. You’ll learn to trust and rely on each other

    Travel experiences with you partner, such as hiking and camping in the woods, will help turn you into a better team player.

    1. Gives you a peek into his/her preparation style

    Observing your partner as he or she packs, plans and saves money for your vacation together can give you an insight into the way he or she handles some of the most important undertakings in your relationship. If organizing a vacation to the Las Vegas or Grand Canyon is enough to make your partner irritable and frantic, do you think he or she can handle a wedding?

    1. Epic twofies

    Traveling with your loved one lets you take ultra cool and epic twofies.

    1. Lots of opportunities to ask the tough questions

    Ever wondered what happened to your partner’s previous relationship? Sailing excursions, hikes, train rides, airplane trips and long car drives are the best times to have deep and meaningful discussions with your significant other. Of course, you can ask your loved one about his past relationships, future goals and childhood during these lovely moments.

     

    Source: www.strekeffect.com