The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • Dealing with social status in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am a great fan of yours. I thank you for your counsel on life issues which I find very educative.

    I am in a relationship with a lady I love dearly who feels the same as well. She is humble and nice. I intend proposing to her soon because I see her as somebody I will like to spend the rest of my life with.

    My challenge is that I recently discovered that she is from a wealthy family, while I am a hard-working young man with great potential because I know where I am striving to be in future.

    My fear is that this might be an obstacle. I am confused. Please, I need your advice.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    The early stage of a new relationship can be mind-blowing with all the excitement that might seem forever, but as the relationship progresses, the reality of life then comes to play, which is the explanation of what you are experiencing at this stage based on the fact that you are starting to have more affection for the lady as a result you are expecting more from dating.

    Your feeling is what most people in your situation experience and there is always the fear of acceptance, especially from your partner’s family. Every family as we know has its expectations when it comes to the issue of marriage.

    Where some see certain aspects as must have or belong, others might not use such as criteria.  The bottom line is that there are no same family approaches  in such matters, different strokes for different folks, so what one family might regard as a hindrance can be less important to another family.

    We must commend you for sharing and seeking counsel on how to approach the situation. Moving on, nursing the feelings without speaking out can be devastating. Suppose her family is different from all what you think, keeping silence or getting yourself work up can only aggravate your fears and worries.

    Such thoughts running through your mind constantly, if not tackled, will start affecting other aspects of your relationship.  Create room for an open conversation. In order to have a clear picture of what you want to go into, it will be a good step to have an open discussion with your partner.

    Bring to table everything about you and what you do currently and what you intend achieving in time to come. You might not be where you want to be at the moment, but this is where you are working hard to be by the special grace of God.

    You must be sincere with her. Once you are able to establish this fact, who knows it might just be the right information she needs to confront her family in case your status becomes an issue in time to come.

    On your part, it will make you feel better because you have actually made your identity cleared.  Starting with yourself in all honesty will now give room for her to be open with you in order to put your fears to rest.

    Next is to ask her about her family background and how they will feel about their daughter in a relationship with a hard-working young man of a different social status.

    Tell her your fears, worries and how they are affecting you.  Express your feelings to her. Don’t hold back anything. Most times, people see this aspect of expression of feelings during conversation as a form of weakness, forgetting that effective communication in a relationship is the key for a successful one, and once it is established properly from the onset, half of the problems that might crop up are solved.

    Speaking out freely with your partner about everything takes away assumptions, hurts, fears and worries. It helps them to understand each other’s likes and dislikes.  It is observed that effective communication in a relationship promotes closeness.

    Allow her to respond to all your questions. While that is going on, listen attentively and watch her body language as well because some answers can be traced by attitude.

    On the other hand, to save yourself from the unexpected, learn to keep an open mind in case the situation does not go your way. One thing for sure is this: what is yours can never be taken away from you, no matter the circumstances.

    It might be difficult at the beginning no doubt, but if it is truly yours, all things will work for good. If the reverse is the case, well take heart and see it as life lesson to make you a better person. Never give up on yourself, but learn and improve yourself by making sure that you work harder to be who you want to be.

    Note that the blessings of God rest on those who have faith and action. That it did not work out with her does not mean that you will not find your dream wife when the time comes.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Why we gave out brand new car to journalist – VON MD

    Why we gave out brand new car to journalist – VON MD

    MD, VON Automobile,Tokunbo Aromolaran  speaks on the gesture of giving out a brand new Made in Nigeria Hyundai i10 to a journalist recently in Lagos. The presentation which was part of the company’s ‘Buy made in Nigeria’ vehicles campaign, was witnessed by dignitaries including Senator Ben Murray Bruce, his wife, Evelyn and Chairman CMC Connect, Yomi Badejo-Okusanya.

    ARE you still in doubt of the ability of Nigerians to produce top quality made in Nigeria automobiles? Look no further, as VON Automobile Limited, a division of the Stallion Group, is already leading the way with top of the range automobiles. This much the Managing Director, Mr. Tokunbo Aromolaran set out to prove recently, when the company gave out a brand new Hyundai i10 to a journalist, Gboyega Alaka of The Nation Newspapers.

    According to Aromolaran, the gesture, which was a fulfillment of a raffle draw held for journalists at the VON Estate, Ojo last November 28, is to create an awareness amongst Nigerians that top quality automobiles are being locally assembled in Nigeria, and get Nigerians to patronise and have pride in the products.

    The motive, he said, is to encourage patronage and expand the factories and production capacity to serve the nation better. He said, “If you’re driving locally made cars, you create an avenue for additional production, additional employment, with value added and  increase our GDP….”

    Despite bearing a first name like Tokunbo, Aromolaran said he is unwavering in the fight against tokunbo (imported fairly used vehicles). As a nation, he said, Nigeria needs to go through the pain of developing its automobile industry in order to enjoy a viable industry. He noted that of the top one hundred countries in the world, Nigeria and Bangladesh are the only two that do not have viable automobile manufacturing industries, which he said is no longer acceptable.

    He said bringing in cars through the borders does not do the country any good, as ‘importers’ don’t pay duties. By allowing those vehicles come in, he said Nigeria is only allowing the Republic of Benin, which does not have a vehicle assembly plant, to collect duties on what it has not earned.

    He stressed that “If Nigerians start patronising locally assembled cars, our auto industry would grow and in the next three years, our second-hand auto market will also grow, which will not be tokunbo cars but cars deriving from our own market here, not cars that have been used for eight years.”

    The VON Automobile premises along the Lagos-Badagry Expressway in Lagos, is a massive auto assembly plant with installed manufacturing capacity for 45,000 units in one shift. The company set out in 2012, with a target of manufacturing affordable vehicles for Nigerians. The overall vision is to turn Nigeria into a cornerstone of auto-manufacturing in Africa. The company boasts of the expertise and facility and a conviction that it can create a world-class automobile behemoth, which will in turn create a huge multiplier effects on the Nigerian economy and society.

    Vehicles assembled there include Ashok Leyland Falcon/Hawk mass transit bus, AL Garbage Compactor, AL 1718, AL Troop Carrier and IVECO trucks. The company is also creating substantial direct and indirect employment, conditioned upon the market environment. To start with, all the safety materials it uses in buses assembled in the factory are locally sourced, to the extent that it has attained 30% local content. Some of these items include windshield, window frames, sealants, paints and labour.

    VON also assembles different models of Nissan passenger vehicles such as Almera, Patrol, NP300 and Urvan bus and Hyundai models, including Hyundai i10, Grand, Civic Bus, County Bus, HD 65, HD 78 and HD 120.

    Aromolaran assured on strong quality control in the OAN, which he said are like partners. He said “Nissan will not allow any vehicle leave this plant unless it has passed their test.”

    He also said the Nissan Patrol produced at the VON plant can compete favourably with any brand in the world.

    In terms of labour, Aromolaran said “We have recruited mechanics, trained them formally and turned them into super auto engineers and auto mechanics. They work on an automated conveyor system and know that the result of their work is important to the next stage, and dare not mess up.”

    In his remarks, Senator Ben Murray Bruce reiterated his support for made in Nigeria products, promising to do whatever it takes in the National Assembly and in government to influence positive changes towards locally assembled made in Nigeria automobiles. He again advocated long-term payment pattern based on single digit interest rate, saying Nigeria “cannot move forward if all we do is for a young graduate to drive a 30-year old car from Belgium. People forget something. A modern day car can drive 40, 50 miles per gallon; that car from Belgium gives you 5 miles per gallon.”

    He also called on President Buhari to, by law, compel all his ministers and government officials to drive made in Nigeria cars, as this would enhance trust in the products.

    He however disagreed with the VON MD on the call to shut the borders, saying such actions would paralyse business activities in the border towns. Rather, he suggested that inefficient customs officers

     

  • 4 Reasons why you should choose your friends wisely

    4 Reasons why you should choose your friends wisely

    Only this morning, I was chatting with a close relative and she mentioned in passing how a lady snatched her friend’s husband. Such stories have become commonplace, but the truth is that for a friend to do such a thing, it is quite likely that she had shown the traits, no matter how faintly, but the betrayed friend failed to take heed. She might have done it to other people, or been notorious for being promiscuous. A women’s reputation is of utmost importance, and the friends one keeps can make or mar one’s reputation. Why is it important to be selective in choosing your friends?

    1. You will be judged by the type of friends you keep. Have you noticed that our friends are people like ourselves? Why do bankers have many banker friends? Or musicians have many friends in the entertainment industry and such? A popular saying goes, “Show me your friend and I will tell you who you are.” This old saying is still apt today for the simple fact that most people make value judgments about a person’s character based on the friends they keep. If you are fun loving, party/club loving individual, you will most likely have many friends who share such a life style. And if a single girl keeps friends who are into “runs”, it is assumed that she is a “runs babe” whether or not she actually does so. This might be the reason many married men do not let their wives keep single, or divorced women as friends, fearing that they might be corrupted by such friends.

     

    1. If you want a friend, be a friend. Many people complain that they do not have friends, or that they have no sincere friends. However, the good book says “He who seeks a friend must first be a friend.” Be a (good) friend; loyal, true, sincere, kind, loving, honest, not a betrayer, or backstabber. These qualities will attract people of like minds to you, and give you the skills to manage/maintain the relationship. Bear in mind the fact that habits can be learnt, unlearnt, and relearned. As such, the absence of desired positive habits is no excuse to continue to live without them, as good habits can be learnt, and bad habits done away with. However, if you choose to do the opposite, rest assured, you might never enjoy the beauty of true friendship.

     

    1. Your friends determine where you are going. Your friends can make you or break you, as peer pressure has been identified as a strong influence in human life, and experience, as many can testify. Many homes have been broken, if not destroyed by the evil counsel of friends, as the popular saying goes, “Friends of a feather flock together”. However, keeping good company will give you a strong frame work for success, why? Because good friends provide positive counsel that will help you succeed. Everyone knows that a student who keeps studious friends is more likely to succeed than one who keeps unserious ones, for the simple reason that iron sharpens iron.

     

    1. To attract the right kind of friends, be a person of value. Oftentimes, people waste their time running after people, in the hope of making them their friends, only to be rebuffed. They fail to realize that you can only offer a person your friendship, the choice to accept or decline your gesture is theirs. However, making yourself a person of value will make you a person people want to be friends with. How? Have you noticed that popular, successful people do not lack for friends? You do not need to be rich, but you must occupy yourself with something you enjoy doing, puts food on your table, meets your basic needs at the least, and takes you off the street. No serious minded person wants to be friends with a person who does nothing but visit friends all day, go looking for charity, gist, or socialize all day.

     

     

  • Four qualities of a Player

    Four qualities of a Player

    A couple of years ago, Trisha met Donald in on her way to work, and they exchanged numbers, at first Donald would call Trisha and they would chat, later on he would pick her up from her  office after work and drop her off at home. He claimed that he lived at Epe, but always dropped her at her Surulere apartment every evening, before retiring to his sister’s apartment at Ojuelegba. And never introduced Trisha to his sister. When he started asking her to loan him money, she stopped taking his calls, and asked her staff not to allow him into her office. Years later, they ran into each other, and he admitted that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was living with at the time he met her, but claimed that the relationship was over. Trisha was lucky enough to have avoided a player, and is now happily married to a wonderful husband- a real man. So how do you recognize a player? Enjoy;

    1. Lies a lot – A player’s stories never add up. As I have mentioned times without number, when dealing with a man, never listen to what he says, rather look at his actions, actions don’t lie. So you are dating a guy who says one thing and does something else, please watch out, he might have something under his sleeves. If he says he will call, and never does, claiming to be too busy, or says he is in one place and you discover that he is elsewhere, the list goes on.
    2. Won’t invite you to his house or office– The most natural thing to do when you are getting to know someone is to be invited to their homes or/and office. When a regular date becomes a serious relationship, and you still don’t know his office or house, it might be that he has something to hide. Like Donald, who was living with a woman whom he claimed was his sister, and never introduced to Trisha, how many ladies are wise enough to smell a rat? If he won’t show you his house, friends, or relatives; there is a reason. Please investigate.
    3. Attempts to turn you to his ATM with his hard luck stories – I can’t count the number of times I have come across the hard luck stories of ladies who gave their love and money to guys, and the guys took off. It never seems to end well, even when the men marry them, the likelihood of them becoming the breadwinners to the women who fended for them in the past remains low. Only this week, a relative of mine was beaten black and blue by her husband; a rich man she married when he had no job. She was actually feeding and clothing the guy. Unbelievably, today, she is responsible for feeding, school fees, and welfare of their four kids, even though he is now very rich, and owns Petrol stations today, can you believe that? Oh, and he also acquired a new wife.
    4. Almost always wants to rush you to have sex with him – The decision to have sex with a man you are not married to is a personal decision for the female to make. The player is always in a hurry to get you in his bed, promising you the world for it. Only, afterwards you might find that he is making the same promises to any number of ladies out there. My take on the issue of pre-marital sex? Never give in just because you want to please him. If you want to become the village mattress, it is okay if that is what you want, but remember, the risk is that you might just be another one of the babes he uses and dumps. I like the way the Americans put it, “If he likes it, he should put a ring on it.” Enough said.
  • QUEEN URE OKEZIE – I love writing love songs

    QUEEN URE OKEZIE – I love writing love songs

    Queen Ure is a singer, life coach and owner of the Porpori brand that helps bring out her creative part, as well as touch lives. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talks about how it all started with Panam Percy Paul in Jos, moving to banking and coming back to music, her charity work and more. 

    How did you get into music?

    I have always been a singer. It is just that I didn’t make it professional initially. I started writing songs and singing, I would say, practically from childhood. Music has always been a passion for me and through school; I was one person that whenever there was a music competition I would be called to represent my school to rehearse and do solos. I started writing songs from secondary school. I schooled at the Federal Government Girls College in Owerri. I used to handle the school church choir at that young age, as a teenager. Haven gotten into the University of Jos, I started to sing with Panam Percy Paul. I was in Jos and we were in the same church. That was how we started to sing together and travel to places.

    What were some of the things that you admired about Panam Percy Paul then?

    He was just one of the few people that made gospel music at the time to be embraced and he was quite deep. So my singing started from way back but after school I started working immediately in the bank. That was where the singing just took a back seat but I kept writing songs and I knew that it was something that I would go back to. Even as a banker I was still recording songs, my colleagues knew that.

    Which bank was this?

    I worked with several banks. I started with Diamond Bank, then I moved to Zenith. From Zenith, I moved to Bank PHB and the last commercial bank that I worked in was First Inland; then it was First Atlantic then First Inland and Fin Bank. The mergers and all that. So, all through my banking years, I didn’t forget music, not at all.

    What was the banking experience like?

    I worked in the bank for almost 15 years. By 21 years, I had done my youth service and I got into the banking industry immediately. It was a wonderful experience; there was discipline, the exposure to all kinds of businesses. You were dealing with different conglomerates and entrepreneurs and somehow you get to know something about everything. It opened my eyes to a lot of things and I believe that it is good to work in a disciplined corporate environment before starting something on your own. It would give you the foundation to do anything after that properly. Here you inculcate all of those values and virtues that would make you succeed in whatever you are doing. Here you start from a subordinate and grow to supervisor and manager. So you know how to be a follower and later a leader. It’s a world that prepares you properly; that is what it did for me. It disciplined me and gave me that target-oriented approach to things and made me want to surpass the target.

    When you left the bank, what did you do?

    I left the banking industry so that I could start off my coaching career. I am a life coach and I got my coaching certification in the academy in the UK, both as a personal coach and a corporate coach. I do trainings and coaching at both levels. My core areas are service excellence, marketing skills, team building and customer satisfaction. Of course, it is not limited to that. Whatever topic that a company needs to train their staff on, I can do. It was a fallout of my experience in the bank. I do that and also sing. Singing, for me, was not something I wanted to do to make money. It was just a passion that I can’t hide under the carpet, I write songs all the time. So, would I just write all the songs and keep it to myself?

    Were you singing just gospel songs?

    Not at all. I didn’t get into the industry to be a gospel artiste. I came in to be an artiste, to give it my best. I write gospel songs, I write love songs, I write songs about intimacy in relationships, Nigeria and everything about life. As a singer, as things happen, songs come to you. My songs are inspired by life, my own personal experience and the experience of others.

    Let’s talk about your personal experience in love. How has it been?

    Love is beautiful but I have had the beautiful experience of loving and being loved. I have also had the experience of leaving people and they leaving me. Life goes on. I am quite conservative, even though I don’t look it. I don’t get into relationships to get them broken… you know what I mean. I go in with all my heart and I am a love person. I love Love, totally, completely but I also know how to move on if things don’t work out the way I thought they would. So, I have had my own share of the bad times, I have had my own share of the happy times.

    Would you say that Nigerian men are romantic?

    No, they are very unromantic. Boring and dry. I think that women should begin to understand men more, they are not like us. They too need to understand us, we are not like them. Most times, they relate with us as if we think like them. We also relate with them as though they were like us. We kind of relate differently; we need to calm down and understand how they reason – why they do things, so that we can all just be together happily.

    What exactly do you do with your songs?

    I did an album launch in December 2012. It’s called Porpori; that is the name of my brand. At the moment, I have got two albums – Porpori one and two. There are ten songs in each album and, of course, each album has a Porpori song. Since then, I have been coming out with new works, I have shot a couple of videos and you have the Porpori video mix; twelve videos in all. This May, I am going to be doing an album launch of Porpori three; it is a totally gospel work. The first two were a mixture but more of love songs. There is a Porpori King, that is Jesus, and there is Porpori for Jesus and then there is Pop the Porpori. Pop the Porpori is a rap song that has to do with the charity work that I do. What I have done is to express Porpori in different ways. That was the original plan when I began; that each album would have Porpori expressed in different ways. You can express it as sweetness, body dey do me Porpori when I see you. You can also express it as shakara. Pop the Porpori, however, is about opening up your sweetness, unleash your goodness, more or less. I also have the local and the western version and I have kind of just gone very creative with the word and that is what I use for the other initiatives that I have. Apart from the music, we also have Porpori hair. I got into my own brand of hair in 2015. We have the Porpori curls and Porpori waves. Of course, we also have the Porpori charity platform which I have been concentrating on since 2015.I am a singer, life coach, charity worker and entrepreneur. Every quarter, we go out and give out lots of items to different homes and organisations. Then I also mobilise people to become charity workers and they join me to mobilise other people and more resources.

    What inspired you to go into charity?

    I have always been a charity person. I used to do it on my own. When I saw that the need was enormous, there are so many people out there who just need a little bit of help. So, they have to depend on the general public. So, I decided to take it upon myself and support them. We have done about nine outings and the tenth would be done this month. In addition to visiting the home, we would be reaching out to the Dorcas Widows in Abia State. It is ongoing, it’s continuous and it is very fulfilling. Every outing has their own unique impact on me. Sometimes, we go out with the mind to reach out to these ones but they end up reaching out to us. Like when we went to the Bethsaida Home for the Blind, by the time the choir sang, played instruments and danced Atilogu dance, we were surprised. These people can’t even see us. When you go there and come back, you would begin to appreciate life more and appreciate the little that you have. Rather than complain that you don’t have much, appreciate the little that you have, seeing that there are some people who don’t have what you have but they still have a life.

    How did you get into the hair brand?

    All of the things that I do are things that I love. I am a hair person, that is why I got into it and we are still looking at expanding that platform. In May, when we are launching the next album, we are equally going to be launching the Porpori Clothing line. It is called the Porpori House of Royalty. It’s a clothing line that I am designing. It is basically going to be a mixture of ankara and western fabric; gowns, long gowns, short gowns, tops and some wonderful stuffs. I believe in building things from the scratch, staying focused and consistent until we are ready. The Porpori brand is an expanding brand but the major phase of this is the charity, it is hinged on the music.

  • How to sustain healthy sexual intimacy in marriage

    DEAR Harriet,  I love my husband very much, but my challenge is that I am really not getting enough sexual satisfaction. He comes so quickly. It is beginning to affect me, and I don’t know how to address the issue.  Help me.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos.

     

    Sexual intimacy and satisfaction are issues not discussed openly in marriage due to certain reasons, but they are very important in keeping a healthy relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Interestingly, sex is one major aspect that should be talked about freely. However, some people don’t see it proper to verbalize their sexual needs to their spouse for fear of hurting the other party, fear of what might be the response or the fear of their spouse not been able to fulfil these needs.

    Some marriages today are suffering because of this unknown fundamental problem that is not addressed. Before detailed explanation is given, allow me to say that this topic is only for adults because quite a good number of youths read my page.

    Sex in marriage is a beautiful thing to be cherished and enjoyed by couples. It is not for children, so for my young readers, concentrate on your vision in life and don’t lose focus of who you are and what you want to achieve. Suspend every form of distraction, bearing in mind that there is time for everything.

    Therefore, at the right time with the right person, you will surely get to the stage of such intimacy. Moving on, let us understand the role of sex in marriage and relationship. In marriage, a woman should understand that she is entitled to educate her husband on her personal sexual needs.

    Every couple enjoys something differently about sex. Most times, couples assume that their spouses should know what they like. Well, to a certain extent, yes, but not all the times. Sex, therefore, is for bonding and procreation. In relationship, for example, sex is advised to be put on hold in order to have a clearer understanding and better sense of reasoning instead of allowing you to be ruled by pleasure or emotion.

    While sex in marriage is the icing on the cake, truth is told, a satisfying sex life keeps couples happier, closer and intimate. Marriage, as we know, is the only legal platform that gives you the full go-ahead sexually with your spouse.

    In a situation like the above case, whereby the woman feels she is not getting enough satisfaction from her husband sexually is a problem that must be tackled immediately in order not to give room to other problems.

    Some people might ask what is the big idea about sex when as couples, they have other pressing issues to deal with. Well, if that’s their view, they are actually entitled to their opinion any way.

    However, it will be nice for us to list out some of the causes for such situation which are: lack of sexual maturity. If you are his first, he might find it difficult to control his excitement, as such, his rate of keeping up cannot be as long as you might wish, but with time, he will grow to know what to do.

    Low sex drive: Just as we are of different personalities, so also is our sex drive. Some people have slow sex drive, while their spouses might have a very high sex drive. They crave for more sex than a person with a low sex drive.

    Another reason for such might be regarded as a self-centered attitude. When a spouse is solely concerned about his own satisfaction, not putting the other person’s feeling into consideration intentionally or not. Next might be a medical issue that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

    Another factor is age. The level of sexual urge reduces with age. If you are married to a younger woman with a high sex drive, you will notice that her demand will be high, while an older woman might not be so demanding, especially those in their menopause, likewise men.

    An old man is not as sexually driven compared to when he was in his youthful age. Trust me, age has a way of slowing things down. Stress is another aspect that might affect sexual performance in marriage.

    The mindset must be right and free of worries for a person to flow freely during sex, although some people feel at that point when they are stressed out. It is when they need sex to ease their mind. Others, while stress might be doing it just to fulfil all righteousness.

    In addition is  lack of creativity in bed. When sex is same pattern and style all the time, your spouse might find it a bit boring and uninteresting. The way forward now that we have listed what might be the cause is to find a conducive time in a relaxed atmosphere to discuss the issue with your spouse.

    Communication of sexual needs is a healthy part of an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Which does not imply inadequacy, although your spouse might view it in such form, if you reassure him that you also want to know how he can also be satisfied in the process.

    Through this approach, he may feel comfortable, free and less inadequate in addressing the matter. This is because some men feel that sexual intimacy techniques are something that they should know instinctually, so to such men any discussion simply means that their spouse is being too demanding or critical.

    In approaching the issue first and foremost, find out if there is any problem at work affecting him or her. Allow him/her to respond and listen attentively to his explanation.

    Next step is to acknowledge and re-examine your sex life and ask him what he feels about it. Based on his reply, calmly explain to him how you feel and what you will like improvement on. For some people, it is not an easy task to talk about sex with their spouse as aforementioned because to them it is a” no” go area for fear of  sending the wrong message.

    You should be able to discuss everything, including their sexual intimacy. Bring back the spark in your love life by discussing freely each other’s interest. Suggest creativity and analyse issues together as couple. Being spontaneous in your actions will help.  Admire each other’s nakedness.

    More so, always set the mood right from the start of the day. For example, you cannot be nasty to your spouse, either by verbal or physical abusing him/her and expecting to have a great sex at night.

    It simply does not work like that.  If for any reason, it happens to be on medical grounds, then try to encourage your spouse to seek the help of a doctor. A counsellor might also be of help, if you find it difficult to handle the situation together.

    In addition, here are some tips on what to avoid in the process: don’t cheat on your spouse to fulfil your needs. This is a very bad and deceptive approach which will destroy your marriage. Don’t quarrel over the issue.

    Avoid making your spouse feel inferior. Explain to him your needs, not his weaknesses. Avoid comparison and don’t start keeping malice with him. He may not know your needs, if you don’t tell him.

    Finally, when you love someone, you have to love everything about him. Not just the good ones, but also the things you don’t find lovable. So, seeking solutions to your sex life with your spouse together for the good of your marriage is a step in the right direction. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • 3 Reasons you should not fund him.

    Today we will be discussing a very contentious topic, “To fund or not fund”. It might seem like a tricky question but it is never a good idea to buy love, especially if you are a woman. Why on earth should a woman give a man (who is not even her husband) her money? Not a good idea at all! Back in the day, men took care of their wives and families, and ruled their households like mini fiefdoms. Times have changed, and women now make their own money, but men still expect us to submit, so what do we do? We submit, if only for the sake of peace. However, if a woman has to foot the bill, she has become the boss, not just a helpmate. So why do I think so?

     

    The man was designed to be the head in every marital/amorous relationship, and if he is the leader, he should foot the bills (or at least a large part of it). Why? Because money is power, whoever has it controls the power dynamics of the relationship. In all my years, I am yet to come across a man who is happy to be fed or funded by a woman, they might date (or even marry) a woman for her money, but trust me more often than not they will find a less financially buoyant woman to spend their change on, so as to feel like men.

     

    Giving a man your money puts you at risk of attracting gold diggers/gigolos. Only yesterday, I read the story of a divorced silver spoon celebrity chick. She said, “I really loved him, but when I had a financial challenge, he took off. Apparently, that was all he wanted.” Guess what, the guy in question is remarried to a younger woman today. Speaking further, she said, “I have never dated a man for money, however in another relationship; a man took my hard earned money, and ran.” Guess what? Her story is nothing new, I am yet to see an instance where the woman funded the relationship and it worked out. The only female relative I know who tried it put a man through university, clothed, housed and fed him, his mom, and siblings for years, while he was unemployed. When he finally got a job, she never set eyes again on him; after three kids.

     

    You can never really tell if it is you he loves or your money. Modern females are educated and independent, but marriage demands that we submit to our man. How does a person submit to a man one is feeding? More often than not, such women become / are accused of being shrewish, and the men feel justified in taking off. What about an old friend of mine who dated a guy while she was putting herself through the university. She would feed him, and spend her heard earned savings on him, guess the first thing he did after he graduated? That’s right, he dumped her. Obviously he never loved her, only her money. My advice? Do yourself a favour, and find yourself a man who has a job. Oh, and just in case he attempts to turn you to his ATM; dump him.

     

  • Actually, not all men are swine, 4 ways to know he’s not

    Actually, not all men are swine, 4 ways to know he’s not

    A while ago a colleague mentioned in passing that men are only useful for having kids, and not much more I beg to differ, although there are a lot of not so acceptable guys out there, there are quite a number of good ones around. It is as the Yoruba saying goes, “If you decide to close your eyes to let a bad person pass, you might not see the good person when he/she does pass by.” So rather than continuing to think that all men are tarred with the same brush, it makes sense to be armed with tools to make the right choice. Here are four tips to help you decide whether or not he is a good catch;

    He really does love you

    When I say love, I don’t mean it only in the romantic/erotic sense, but in the sense that the Latin language calls agape- unconditional, selfless love. A man who really loves you wants what is best for you; almost like the way a parent wants only the best for their kids. This kind of man will make sacrifices for you, simply because he wants what is best for you. Like Ada, whose husband allows her to pursue a career she loves, even though it took her away from home on holidays and Sundays at the start. Furthermore he supported her with tools and advice, even though the pay wasn’t all that great. At the end of the day her career took off, and she attributes her success to the support of a wonderful man.

    He is interested in your happiness

    A loving man wants his woman to be happy, even if it might cost him some discomfort, such a man does this simply wants you to be happy. Someone once told a another lady, let us call her Yemisi, “you will never be happy being only a housewife, your talents and gifts are such that you would never feel fulfilled until you pursue your dreams.” Fortunately, she was married to a man who recognized her gifts and allowed her to somehow juggle her marriage, home, and career. Fortunately for her, her man recognized that as well and gave her the opportunity to use her god given gifts and talents. Even though he had a successful and demanding career of his own, he gave her all the support she needed. This rare man often helped with the shopping, and the kids, made dinner for the family when he returned from work, as she often got him later than he did. She credits him for being ‘a real rock’.

    He treats you nicely

    Women are moved by what they hear, while men are moved by what they see. A woman’s self-image can be made or marred by the way her man views, and treats her. If he treats her well, she will most likely have a positive self-image, if not, she will have a negative one. It’s the reason why women in abusive relationships have a poor self-image. They feel unhappy and unloved.  A man who disrespects you with his speech and attitude is an accident waiting to happen. Do yourself a favour and end the relationship for your own.

    He makes you better

    No human being has the power to change another, but finding a good man is like wind to a kite. Just as the kite will definitely fly, the woman will. A good man will pick you up when you are down, push you when you are discouraged, and celebrate with you when you succeed. He never feels threatened by your success, in fact, when you succeed, it’s his success as well because he backed you all the way. Such guys help you write or rewrite your resume, help you find a job,and encourage you to write that exam or certification. When you a look at your life, it’s easy to say that your life is better because he is in it, whether or not he footed the bills.

     

  • Straighten velvet outfits with this

    Straighten velvet outfits with this

    You had intended to wear a lovely velvet outfit to an event, but it’s rumpled, and ironing can’t get out the wrinkles. What do you do?

    Simply hold the outfit over a pot of boiling water, or leave in your sauna for five minutes, and it will be as good as new. Why? The steam raises the pile of the fabric, making it look as smooth and lustrous as it was when you bought it.

  • So what exactly is love?

    So what exactly is love?

     

    Its St Valentine’s Day today, a day set aside to celebrate love and lovers the entire world over, but as we celebrate, what exactly is this thing called love? Is it sex, giving of gifts, feeling butterflies or what? Unlike the English language which has only one definition for love, Latin which has five words, and explains the different types of love.  We’ll take a look at some things that love is not, and end with the essence of love.

    Is it sex? Not at all. In a strongly sensual age, sex has become commonplace, and many confuse sex with love.  It is possible to have one without the other, but the greatest lover is one who chooses to love without consummating the relationship, especially if they are not married. Waiting until the right time to do that is the best way to say I love you. However in a committed relationship like marriage, sex is the most beautiful gift given by the creator to mankind. It has the power to cement two hearts together, even as it can destroy a couple who choose to profane this wonderful gift.

    Can it be bought with gifts? True love can never be for sale, even though a lover will always give something. So as you give flowers, cards, chocolates, and all during this valentine remember that giving gifts should never be the foundation of a relationship. Never be with someone simply because of what you can get from that person, but for what you can give to them, and add to their lives. You see humans are meant to be loved, not used.

    Love is a caring about that special someone in your life so much that you think always of them, and do what is best for them. As Beverly Haye once put it, “The most difficult person in the world to love is a selfish person, who thinks only and always of himself, and no one else.” Conversely, it means that the easiest person in the world is a selfless love is a selfless person. A person in love is selfless, thinking more of the beloved that himself. The way a mother thinks nothing of going hungry just so her kids can eat and get an education. Michael Bolton captured this desire inherent in the female folk for love in his remake of the song “When a man loves a woman.”