The Nation Newspaper

Category: Weekend Treat

  • What to know before you say I do

    Marriage, as we know, is a beautiful institution ordained by God, a life time commitment. To me, it is  a learning institution. The difference is that there is no graduation day. Picture this with me, two persons from different backgrounds with different values and ideology coming together to live as one bringing a truck load of relatives with different character. In our society, for instance, you are not just married to your spouse, but to his/her entire family. That is why before you go into marriage, you have to be very sure, to some extent, of the person and all there is to know. Marriages are suffering today because people went into marriage for the wrong reasons. To some,  it a mere social contract that is for better for stay, for worse for leave. They walk out of marriage,  if and when it is not profitable. Others see it as an organized forum for child bearing and rearing. Only a few are actually in it for love.  In dealing with this issue of what to know before marriage, I will like to share a question that I was asked on my blog.

    “I am in a relationship with a lady I love so much and I will like to spend the rest of my life with, but from the look of things, I am confused. I got to know some basic things in the cause of asking questions since I have the plan of proposing to her in no time. I prayed about it.  She is just my ideal woman, but for a few days, from her attitude, I have this bad feeling in my heart, something is telling me that there is more for me to know before I take the marriage step, more so, I have suspicion that she is seeing someone as well.  What should I do? “

    We do admit that finding out unexpected information about someone you love dearly and want to spend the rest of your life with can be devastating. The feeling of heaviness that you are experiencing is actually common with situation like this, likewise the suspicion that she might be seeing someone else (assumption). Information is very powerful. It makes or destroys a relationship. The source of your information must be verified before taking action.

    However, it is very important to note that marriage is a serious affair and must be treated with all seriousness in order to avoid complaints and regrets which can lead to other marital problems, including divorce.   As a result, duration of courtship should not be neglected. To some, short period is appropriate, while to others, it is not. The importance of a proper courtship in a relationship is that it provides a great level of openness which will lead to authentic knowledge of each other base on love, trust and faith.  The questions that come to mind are: how long can you claim to know your girl well enough within this period to propose to her? Are the hours you spend with each other sufficient for a clear understanding of one another? How often do you visit each other?  Base on the situation at hand, the first step is confrontation in a nice and calm manner. You need answers to the worries of your heart and the only way you can be at peace is actually getting clarification from your girlfriend.So arrange an outing with her. Without discussion or rather talking about the issue on ground, you will keep hurting yourself and this can affect other area of your relationship with her. Things that never use to count will now be seen as a big issue. There will be no genuine reasons for her action henceforth. Bearing this in mind, we will like to share few guides on what to consider before proposing. Hope you will find them useful.

    Personality check: how well do you know yourself (self-evaluation).  Knowing you and making yourself right for the right person. Honesty is the key to personality check, so before you start searching for the right person, spend time to work on your challenges. Trust me, some of us are always in denials about issues that affect us, for example, you know there is a problem with certain areas concerning you. Why pretending as if it is not an issue.Aaccept it and work on it.

    For every action there is a reason behind it, so what is your “WHY”. As a matter of fact, for you to want to propose to someone you must have your reason, so what is your reason. This question is very important. The numbers of divorces, separations and domestic violent occurrences are as a result of people getting married for the wrong reasons. People get into marriage for different reasons just as we mentioned earlier and this colour their expectations and fuel their fears. You must be able to know your purpose because a clear understanding of your ‘WHY’ for the marriage will determine the success of the union. More on the reasons; some propose due to pressure; it can be personal, friends and family. Pressure can actually lead to a wrong choice.  Another reason may be to satisfy a particular need, could be financial, emotional, sexual or self-esteem (feeling worthwhile).Other reasons may be trying to feel an emotional vacuum after a break-up, looking for an escape because of a bad home lifestyle or crisis pregnancy.  Moving on, there are also practical and basic issues for you to consider as well, before marriage.

    What is your relationship with this person? How well can you say you know this person. Is the person your best friend? Are you free about everything with this person? Do you want to see this person regularly. Are you really happy with this person? If you have been physically involved with this person, it will be nice if you can step back a bit to evaluate the relationship because physical intimacy clouds our judgment.

    Are you on the same page with your friend? Do you have a common ground with this person. What are your differences about raising a family, monetary aspect, extended families, careers and friends? This is the time to be honest about it.

    Habits: Are there traces of destructive habits to marriage and family, such as excessive drinking, anger, violence, drugs, self-centeredness, infidelity and so on. Other aspects to be considered are personality type, family background, cultural and religious aspects.

    Finally, taking the bold step of marriage is not an easy task.  It requires a lot of homework. You will need to weigh a lot of things, pray about them and then make a decision because once you make the right choice, you will learn to tolerate each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com.   You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt message only to 08023058805. Blog; liwh.com.ng

  • He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (2)

    THAT weekend, Kel took me to a fun spot on the Island. It was an open air restaurant in a secluded area by the lagoon front, popular for its spicy, barbecued chicken and other delicacies. After placing our order, we sat taking in the cool breeze from the lagoon and admiring the view.

    “Nice place,” I said as I watched some speed boats racing on the choppy waters of the lagoon.

    “Yes. My friends and I hang out here once in a while. Since you like it, we will be coming here more often,” Kel stated.

    Soon, the food arrived and we concentrated on eating and chatting.

    “The chicken is so delicious! Soft and succulent too,” I enthused as I bit into a chicken wing.

    “I was told its a secret recipe only known to the owner of this place,” disclosed Kel.

    “He had better guard it well or he will lose a lot of business if someone else gets to know the recipe,” I remarked.

    Just then an acquaintance of Kel came over to say hello. Soon after he left, we finished the meal and were preparing to leave when a lady came over with a small gift bag. She handed it to me stating:

    “Someone said I should give this to you.”

    I looked at her and the parcel.

    “What is it? Who gave it to you?” I queried. I did not know anyone there and wondered who could be sending gifts to me.

    “Why don’t you open it and let’s see what’s inside,” Kel said encouragingly.

    Inside the bag was a small wrapped gift which I brought out and opened. A diamond- encrusted sparkling ring nestled inside the small jewel case; besides it was a small note with the words: ‘Baby, will you marry me?”

    I looked up quickly at Kel who was smiling broadly at me.

    “Kel!” I said excitedly, jumping up. He rose, took my hand and repeated the words in the note.

    I nodded my head, saying: “Yes, darling! I’ll marry you!” he hugged and kissed me briefly then, unmindful of the other customers around who were looking at us in an amused manner…

    ***

    “Wow, lovely ring! Jessy, you are so lucky. Congrats o!” said Trina as she admired the ring on my return home that night.

    “Thanks, my sister. I just can’t believe I’m engaged to be married. Kel really surprised me,” I said happily.

    “It’s not a surprise to me. That man really loves you. As I said, you are a lucky lady. I wish I could get someone like Kel,” stated Trina. She had been engaged about a year before but things had not worked out between her and her fiancé.

    “Don’t worry; God will bring your man, specially made for you,” I reassured her.

    “Amen o! Better guy o! Not all these ‘chop and clean mouth’ types that are all over the place now who are just looking for who to use and dump!” she said.

    As I gazed at the ring in admiration, I knew Trina was right: I was lucky to have a man like Kel who cared about me and cherished me so much.

    “I love you, Jessica. I promise to always be there for you, to be your shield and to protect you. As long as we are together, I will make sure you never lack. I’ll take care of you and love you forever,” Kel had stated earlier that evening after his surprising proposal.

    I believed and trusted him and gave all my heart and soul to him. But who can tell what lurks deep in a man’s mind? Or fathom what he will be like tomorrow? Only time can unravel that mystery and time did just that to me.

    ***

    Our engagement was a short one. Within five months of Kel’s proposal, we got married in a very classy ceremony at my family church. My father had remarried three years before; though my step mum and I did not get along that well, she stood in and played the role of my late mother during the marriage proceedings.

    It was a very happy period for Kel and I. In the early days of our marriage, he lived up to his promises and was very caring and loving. About six months after the wedding, I found out I was pregnant. Kel was over the moon when I broke the news to him.

    “So, I’m going to be a father again,” he said with a wide grin when he arrived home from work that evening.

    “Yes, dear. I got the result of the test this afternoon at the hospital. I have an appointment with the doctor next week,” I told him.

    “Ok. I will go with you. You know I will do anything for you, dear,” he said hugging me tightly.

    I nodded, at that instant feeling very happy and contented. My joy however was not to last. The pregnancy was about six months old when I woke up one morning in a pool of blood. Kel, who left home very early for work, had already gone out and I was alone in the house. With the assistance of a neighbour, I was able to get to the hospital where I was admitted.

    I felt terrible losing my baby. I had so looked forward to the birth and becoming a mother. I wept bitterly, wondering why such a thing could happen to me. I had been attending antenatal classes regularly and there had been no sign of a problem. So, why this, I wondered. Or was it something I had done?

    “These things happen. Anything can go wrong with a pregnancy even with the best care,” the doctor had stated when he came to check up on me.

    To be fair to him, Kel, my husband was very supportive at this trying time. He was at the hospital regularly throughout the period of my admission and even when I had returned home. I took some time off from work to recuperate and Trina often came to spend time with me.

    “You look so pale. Are you eating well at all?” she asked one day when she had come visiting.

    “You better talk to her. I’ve been telling her to eat all day but she says she doesn’t have any appetite,” said Kel.

    “You need to eat to recover. What has happened can’t be undone. Life has to go on. You are still young and will have more babies in the future,” Trina stated. She then went to the kitchen and prepared some noodles for me which she forced me to eat.

    With their care and support, I was able to recover and was back at work a few weeks later. My husband and I put the incident behind us and got on with our lives. Then, five months later, I got pregnant again. Though, I was happy at the good news, it also marked a turning point in our lives that brought unexpected occurrences I never envisaged…

    To be continued

     

    Join us next Saturday for more of Jessica’s story. Don’t miss the sizzling details!

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Jessica and other individuals in the story.

  • Beauty of tradition on display as Igboho monarch hosts Alaafin

    Beauty of tradition on display as Igboho monarch hosts Alaafin

    Igboho, a town in Oyo State, was the host of many traditional rulers in the state when the ruler of the town, Oba Rasheed Adetoyese Anikulapo Jayeola 111, marked the fifth anniversary of his ascension to the throne.

    As a former abode of the Alaafin of Oyo, Igboho occupies a very important place in the history of Oyo people. In fact, three of the most powerful past Alaafins were said to have been buried in the town. Naturally, therefore, many predicted a grand ceremony when Oba Jayeola decided to mark his fifth anniversary.

    As early as 7 am, the indigenes of the town had started trooping into the venue of the event in order to secure seats at vantage positions. They came in their different ceremonial uniforms, known in local parlance as aso ebi.

    Hours before the event commenced, the guests were entertained by traditional drummers, who had come from different quarters of the town to celebrate with their king, popularly known by the title Ona Onibode. The event assumed a new tempo with the arrival of the Alaafin of Oyo, Oba Lamidi Adeyemi 111, with his entourage. A thunderous shout of Kabiyesi! Kabiyesi! Erupted as he alighted from his black SUV. Both the low and the high hailed the royal father. The women went down on their knees, the men prostrated while the other traditional rulers joined in welcoming him.

    Billed to commission the palace of the Ona Onibode, he walked with majestic splendour into the place, clutching his walking stick as he trod softly with his white walking stick.

    While the Ona Onibode was the host, the Alaafin was the a cynosure of all eyes. He was sandwiched by his two beautiful wives, Ayaba Jelilat Oluwabunmi Adeyemi and Ayaba Memunat Omowumi Adeyemi, as he was ushered into his seat. Clad in white iro and buba with red headgear, red shoes, red beads and red hand bag to match, they walked majestically under the royal umbrella with the Alaafin to their seat.

    The Alaafin, reputed for his powerful dress sense, did not disappoint. His white agbada was immaculate and its sparkling nature was reinforced by the unique embroidery befitting a king of his class.

    The host, Ona Onibode, also did not fail to make an impression. His uniquely designed blue aso oke, were complimented by his wives’ blue lace matched with red beads.

    Aside the popular Yoruba poet and panegyrics expert, Ajobiewe, who added colour to the event by going down memory lane to tell the history of the past Alaafins, Olori, Alaafin’s wife was an instant star when for more than 10 minutes she recited the traditional ruler’s panegyrics without pausing. Even the Alaafin could not hide his admiration while fulfillment was evident on the woman’s face.

    It was the day the President of Nigeria Union of Local Government Employees (NULGE) in Oyo State, Comrade Bayo Titilola-Sodo and his wife were honoured with the traditional title of Mayegun and Yeye Mayegun of Igboholand.

    Ona Onibode, who described his ascension to the throne of his forefathers as divine, said during the selection process, out of the 11 votes cast, he polled nine while the person that emerged second polled two votes.

    While preaching continued peace in the town, the monarch said he was happy with the peace the town has been enjoying since he ascended the throne.

    According to him, it was the first time the people of the town would be coming together to celebrate their king.

    Praising the Ona Onibode for building a palace befitting a traditional ruler of his status with his private money, the Alaafin noted that things had changed in the town and there is peace.

    “You have to support him. The palace is not for him only but will be left for those coming after him,” he said.

  • 7 Things to look for in an amazing friendship

    I CAME across this article and I think we can learn a little something from it. But the truth really is that I’m under the weather and I’ve been off work so I can get well soon. However please do take your time and read this interesting piece.

    I have several friends who I’m proud to say that together we have an amazing friendship…The ones I can be as crazy as I want and they’d still be there to smile with me.

    Here are several ways to identify these amazing friendships so you can cherish them.

    1. You are always learning from their friendship and vice-versa

    You are learning from them in so many subtle ways that it’s mind blowing once you take a moment to step back and look. They improve you as a person, they give you valuable advice, and they provide honest feedback that makes you become the person you want to be. You also learn how to be yourself around them.

    This relationship works both ways; the truly amazing friendship are two-sided in which you reciprocate and provide value to your friend. Just as they are your teacher, you are theirs.

    2. You empathize on a whole different level

    Empathy is very important and it is necessary to maintain a solid framework for a working relationship (even platonic ones.) However, in this special sort of relationship, it’s just not just empathy that you feel but there is a whole new level of emotional investment on your part.

    You desperately wish for them to succeed in everything they do. It hurts you when they’re sad and you just want them to keep moving forward. It’s good to have these feelings for all of your friends and family, but this relationship is more. You invest in them without expecting anything in return.

    3. You look to emulate them

    Everything they do amazes you. It seems like they have this magnetic force among them when you are spending time together which just puts you in your most content mindset.

    There are things they do or say, or perhaps even how they act that makes you wonder if it is possible for you to follow in their footsteps. You notice subtle features no one else does and run it through your head for whether or not it suits you because you want to be just like them.

     

     

  • Are you ready for a relationship?

    May be you are tired of the dating scene, or that you are tired of pouring time, energy and money into relationships that start off so well with all the excitement, but end with heartache. Could be that you are just frustrated because you don’t know when is the right time to start. May be you’ve been in many serious relationships, but for some unknown reasons, you can’t seem to close the deal, perhaps you are single again and you are afraid of making the same mistake that resulted in so much pain and disillusionment in previous relationships. If you can relate with the above, then you will find this edition of great use.

    Are you ready for a relationship? This is an important question for those who want to start a dating? Only you can answer this question? Friends and relatives might be pressurizing you to start dating, mostly when they feel that age is not on your side as they claim, forgetting that you are the one going into the relationship not them. However, sometimes they meant well. But on the long run, the choice is yours. It is also very important to know that making the decision to start a relationship and be committed to a person based emotion, lust, or physical desire can be a costly mistake. Don’t get us wrong. Of course, we know that there must be that initial attraction. The question is: Now, what is your attraction based on. Remember the purpose of dating is to get to know someone, not to have sex or fulfil lustful desires.

    The first way to know if you are ready for a relationship is to be sincere with yourself. Here are some tips you might find useful:

    Ability to define your reason: In a common language, you need to ask yourself: Why? What is your reason. People go into relationship for different reasons, so you need to be clear on it. Trust me, it is very vital to know your ‘why’ because when you are faced with the ups and downs, only your ‘why’ will keep you going.

    Your exes: Forget about your exes, and everything that they did whether you liked it or not. Your new partner or date is not going to be exactly like them, and that will be both good and bad. Accept this as quickly as possible and be ready for something fun and completely new.

    Be absolutely prepared to be patient and wait for the right person to come along to spend the rest of your life with. This won’t happen right away, but most people find the persons when they least expect.

    Nobody at all wants to be with an intensely negative person, and for this fact, you need to be as positive and upbeat as possible. Being ready for a relationship means that you are ready for everything else that comes with it.

    If you are embarrassed or self-conscious of your looks, then do everything you can to change them first. A person with low self-esteem based on looks isn’t ready for a relationship, and you don’t want to go changing right away, if that person likes the way you look.

    Another area to check is your job. What about my job? You may ask. After all, I need a good job to keep a woman, that is, if you are a man with a very demanding job.  If this is you, you need to think it through because no sooner or later, you will have to create time for your partner. If not, he/she will start complaining and that might affect your relationship, but if you are simply trying to get a foot in the door of a possible career, then you are not ready for a relationship because only a few can understand your situation without making a big deal out of it.

    Do an intense self-evaluation before giving complete approval to the idea of being ready for a relationship. Take a good hard look at yourself and pay attention to your habits because your significant other will tell you about them soon enough, and that will only make you angry.

    Remember what it is from previous relationships that doomed your chances of a long-term situation, from both sides. What are the habits that you have that turned him/her off and what are his/her that you could not stand. Now the question that comes to mind is: are you ready to change because the chances are that it might come up again, so are you ready to deal with it now or later?

    Please remember that regardless of if you agree or not, there is another person at play in your decision of if you are ready for a relationship. That other person should be respected and treated as good as you want to be. Don’t doom this relationship and others by disrespecting your other half.

    Furthermore, financial independence must be put into consideration; everyone should have some financial freedom before going into a relationship because if you don’t have something doing, you won’t be happy, even if you date, fall in love and get married. Why you may ask, the truth of the matter is that you will have nothing to offer to the relationship, and you will drain your spouse/ partner completely dry. Inevitably, you will be putting extraordinary expectations on the other person to fulfil you, complete you and also make you happy. A regular source of income must be put into consideration. This is not being materialistic. It is reality. Money has caused a lot of problem in relationships, therefore, it is wise for you to at least have a source of income.

    Finally, as you reflect on the above tips, note that when you rush into dating, you might miss the opportunity to develop solid friendship and really get to know the person because being friends first allows you to start identifying core characteristics of the person you want to go out with. You never know he/she might just be the one you will have to spend the rest of your life with.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com.   You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt message only to 08023058805. Blog; liwh.com.ng

    A problem shared is a problem half solved. Take care of yourself and each other.

  • He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (1)

    EVERYONE is inside having fun and you are here, just staring at  the garden. What’s so fascinating about those plants?” I had been so engrossed in my thoughts, I had not noticed the man who had come up quietly to stand besides me on the verandah. He was of average height, not much taller than me with a quiet confidence about him.

    “Just taking in some fresh air. It was getting too hot in there,” I told him. It was a birthday party of a friend of my flatmate Trina and as the night progressed, the party was getting more raucous by the minute.

    “Yeah, I get you. All that loud music, cigarrette smoke and chatter of the guests can give one a migraine. I’m Kel by the way. And you are?”

    “Jessica,” I introduced myself.

    We got talking after that. He was a friend of the boyfriend of the celebrant, he told me and had been practically dragged to the bash.

    “I have a very important presentation to make at the office on Monday and I need a lot of time to work on it. But Jerry said all work and no play will make me develop premature grey hair. So here I am!” he said with a grin.

    “Same here. Today is the fifth anniversary of my mother’s death. I wanted to have a quiet time

    for remembrance but Trina, my friend, would not hear of it, stating that my Mum would not be happy wherever she is to see me so sad,” I said.

    “I think your friend is right. Life is for the living; the best way to honour her memory is to live well. And talking about living, I think it’s time we hit the dance floor. So, lady, can I have this dance?” he said. And taking my hand, he led me inside the house where the Kokomaster D’Banj’s hit tune was blasting from the speakers…

    That was how I met Kel. After that evening of the party, we became friends and began seeing each other regularly. Kel was the first man in three years I had become close to and it surprised my friend, Trina. In the past, she had set me up on dates with guys she knew but I had simply not been interested. That was until Kel came on the scene.

     

    A dark past

    At the beginning, she seemed to like him too, stating that I must have been waiting for someone ‘like him’ that’s why I turned down the other men who were interested in me. Then, about four months when Kel and I began dating, she told me things she said she had heard about his past that nearly ended our growing romance.

    “I know you will say it’s none of my business, Jessy but you are my friend and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. Kel is a nice guy and he’s loving too but there’s something you need to know about him,” she said one night at home. I had just returned from work and I was having a late dinner.

    “What are you talking about?” I asked her as I took a sip of fruit juice.

    She gazed at me for a while before speaking.

    “I heard he was married in the U.S when he lived there and even has a child.”

    “I know. He has told me about it. The boy is about seven years old and he lives with the mother- they are divorced. So, what about it?” I queried.

    “Did he tell you why they got divorced?” she said.

    I shook my head.

    “He only told me they were having problems and he left and returned to Nigeria when he could not cope with the situation anymore,” I told her.

    “That’s not the whole story,” she noted. She then went on to give me the full gist of what happened to Kel while he was abroad, how he used to regularly abuse his wife physically to the extent that the police became involved.

    “I learnt he served a short time in prison for wife battery, domestic violence and other offences,” she added.

    I was shocked at her words. While Kel had told me a lot about his time in the States, first as a student, then as a staff in an IT firm, he never mentioned his going to prison for domestic violence. My Kel, a wife beater? I found it difficult to believe that the gentle looking man I had been seeing these past months was capable of beating a woman, much less his wife.

    Trina assured me she had got the story from an authoritative source, ‘someone who knew him from his days in the U.S,’ as she stated.

    That he had spent time in prison was bad enough but keeping it from me was worse. How could he do that, I fumed.

    “He should have told me about it,” I murmured to myself feeling upset.

    “I think it’s best you ask him. I can see you like him a lot and he is obviously smitten with you. I see the way he looks at you; it’s the look of a man in love. But before you guys go further in the relationship, you need to be more open with one another. Keeping secrets can ruin a good relationship,” Trina advised.

    The following day, a Saturday, Kel came in the evening to pick me up for an outing we had. I sat him down in the living room and confronted him with Trina’s story. Initially, I thought he would deny it and call it the handiwork of ‘idle gossips’ but to my surprise, he readily admitted to serving time in prison.

    “I know I should have told you about it, but it’s in the past, and it’s a time of my life I want to forget. Some bad things went down while I was abroad; I used to drink and smoke a lot and I did some things I’m not proud of today. But I have put it all behind me. And I want you to do the same, Jessy. I’m a changed person and have put behind me my rough past. I’m sorry for keeping it from you but I felt it might affect the way you feel about me. And I don’t want to lose you now that I have found you,” he stated.

    “No matter what my reaction might be, you should have still told me about it. I don’t feel good hearing about it from someone else,” I grumbled.

    “I know, dear. It was bad of me. Please forgive me,” he pleaded earnestly. He sounded really contrite and my resolve to take a break from the relationship, to cool things a bit, died at that moment.

    At that point, I realized I was in love with him and the thought of leaving him at that stage was unthinkable. He had become an important part of my life and I just could not leave him then. Besides, as he had pointed out, it was all in the past and he was a changed person. So, who was I to judge him based on things in his life that happened years before I met him, I reasoned.

    ***

    Instead of breaking us up, the issue of his past brought Kel and I closer. Though very busy because of his job, Kel nonetheless created time to be with me. Most times, we would go on some outings like parties or visiting friends or just stay at home chilling. At a point, I was spending more time at his apartment than in my own place and Trina began to complain about my long absence from home.

    “I never knew when you started seeing Kel that he was going to snatch my best friend away from me,” she said one Saturday morning at our flat.

    “What did you say? Who is snatching who?” I asked, looking at her wonderingly.

    “Is that not what he has done? I hardly see you these days! I’m practically living alone in this house because you are never around,” she stated.

    “Ha, ha ha! You are funny Trina! Nobody snatched me from you. You will remain my friend till eternity,” I assured her.

    “It’s easy for you to say. I don’t even see much of you now. What will happen when you two get married?” she queried.

    “Who’s talking about marriage? Anyway, wait till that time comes. Stop stressing yourself now over that,” I told her.

    “I have to. You are my best friend. Until your Kel came and has taken over your life. Now we hardly see,” she said in a grumbling tone.

    “I know your problem. You are just jealous!”

    “Jealous ke? I’m just saying the truth. And the truth is that he’s nothing but a best friend snatcher!” she declared.

    I laughed and went to my room to get my dirty clothes for washing. I wanted to finish all my chores that morning as Kel was coming round in the afternoon to take me out to some where ‘special’ as he had put it…

     

    To be continued

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Jessica and other individuals in the story

     

     

  • Should you please a man with your looks?

    WE’VE heard many times that “looking good is good business”. Whether or not you do a white-collar job, you owe it to yourself to look good. In fact, you should always look your best if possible. It’s abysmal to think trying to look presentable is vanity. Looking good becomes vanity when you have excessive pride in your appearance. So there is a difference between looking good and having pride in you. Looking good is an expression of confidence and self-worth and not the parade of pride.

    Though having a good dress sense is an asset for some. However, if it doesn’t come naturally, it can be learned. Failing to appear presentable is inexcusable because what is not inherent can be acquired. In fact, the beauty about life is the ability to create what was not there before. Remember, according a biblical account, we are a product of what was not there before. Indeed we are fashioned to create and that is the only time we are fulfilling God’s purpose in our life. God Himself is a creator, so life is about being creative.

    Sometime, people make tough times an excuse for not looking good. They forget that touch time never lasts, but touch people do. Challenges never last forever, so if you let them control your life, they will create a world too small for you. Also, the looks that you choose, the countenance that you wear during your trying time, will remain with you, even when the challenges have disappeared. You need to devise positive ways of dealing with challenges rather than just succumbing to depression. The reason is that prevention is better than cure.

    The skin problem that you create from poor maintenance is more expensive and takes long time to fix.  Some people you see around looking older than their real age is as a result of their attitude to life. Looking good is a total package; it is not about just appearing in nice clothing. When you have the right attitude, your beauty oozes from inside out. Apart from making effort to keep the physical body clean and wearing what fits. It is also important to cultivate the right attitude to dealing with unpleasant situations because the right attitude will take you farther than where looking good and stepping out in fine clothes can take you. Having said that, the right attitude will not produce result, if physically, you fail to attract people to yourself with your looks. You may have the best attitude, but people may never get to find out if you are not appealing. Someone needs to get attracted to you first, before they can get to find out how wonderful you are on the inside. In looking good, you have to consider these two things: The physical appearance as well as the positive mental attitude. If you are physically on point and your attitude is bad, truth is you will attract people no doubt, but the people you attract will not remain in your life. It is impossible to sustain a relationso>?

    hip without taking cognizance of these things.

    Gone are those days when you could tell a woman’s age from her looks. By simply looking at a lady in those years of our mother’s generation, you could tell the person’s age. But with advancement in beauty treatment, women and even men now look ten years younger than their real ages. It was a trend that started among entertainers globally and gradually spread cross because beauty is a virtue. But despite the evolution in beauty treatment and cosmetology, some people are still obstinate and refused to be motivated. If you have a bias for chemical based cosmetics, why not try the natural ones. There are loads of natural treatments for various skin purposes. So I’m not saying you have to use make-up. But just try and look good the natural way and people will still appreciate you.

    The motivation for writing this piece came from my close friend. We live together as a matter of fact. Last weekend happened to be my brother’s wedding. We had over four months to prepare for that unique day in the life of my brother and his beautiful wife. At  a first glance, the first thing that strikes you about Biola, my sister- in-law, is her pristine beauty and grace. Permit me to say that you want to have her as a sister-in-law, even before you’d truly met with her.

    Anyway, to go straight to the point, like I said, we had great plans for their wedding, including Lara, who is more like a family member than a friend. That fateful day came and we gathered in my mum’s room to take turns before her massive mirror one after the other. As we were putting together accessories for the wedding, my friend suddenly developed cold feet. Then, I began to hurry her up as we were already behind schedule, but I noticed she kept gazing at the mirror. After about 20 minutes, she broke down in tears. I guessed she felt that was a more effective way to inform us she’s staying back, that she would not be attending the wedding. She got our attention but little did we realise that the image she saw in the mirror was the reason she broke down in tears. When she found her voice, after much persuasion from us, she said, can’t you see my face? I’ve got eczema all over my face. I’m too shy to step out looking like this.

    We looked at her face; truly it was covered with eczema. Not quite a month, I called her attention to some eczema I saw on her face, but I had no idea that it has covered all her face because we agreed that she should attack it headlong. Lara being a single mum who I am aware looks forward to dating after her separation from her ex, I told her she had to look for a cure for the eczema, else it could work against her getting the kind of guy she desires. Lara my friend is naturally beautiful. She’s not into make-up, but her skin and dress sense made guys fall at her feet when they passed by her. But after her marriage crash, she started to pay less attention to herself. I warned her about it, but I recall her jokingly saying that she couldn’t even remember when last she looked at herself in a mirror.

    She was so nonchalant about looking good. It didn’t mean much to her anymore. The irony, however, is the fact that after five years of separating from her ex, she truly wants a man she can call her own, except that she’s lost the will to look good for herself. She’s properly waiting for the man to come and motivate her to look good for him, but I absolutely disagree. You shouldn’t look good for a man. Yes, you heard me. Don’t look for a man. Rather you should look good for yourself. Looking good should not be an option. When you look good for yourself, you will attract the kind of man that you desire. But when you need a man to motivate you to look good, the man you desire will not be attracted to you, simple.

    I am saying this because I know, and I heard this expression this week. “I want to look good for Tunde”. You shouldn’t live your life in such a way that, you need a particular person in your life to make you happy, to motivate you to be who you should be. It is wrong! It is a failure’s mentality. Man, being who we are, is bound to disappoint sometime deliberately and sometime unintentionally. When you leave your life independent of the other person, when they come into your life, it is to complement what is already there. But if a man doesn’t find something he can complement, he’s usually unwilling to stay.

    Life is about being productive; and if you need someone to be productive in life, you may never become productive. It is something you owe to God and yourself. God created man and man is expected to be creative.

    As I draw the curtain here on today’s topic, I ask again, should you look good for a man? Let me also use this medium to ask, if anyone knows what works for eczema. If you have an idea of what works for eczema please don’t hesitate to send me a text. Thank You!

    And as we prepare for the New Year Celebration, look your best and don’t forget to make those New Year resolutions that will cause the changes you hope to see in the coming year.

  • How I resisted marriage offers after my husband died —Nollywood star Lanre Hassan

    How I resisted marriage offers after my husband died —Nollywood star Lanre Hassan

    Popular actress, Lanre Hassan, is a veteran of the Yoruba genre of Nollywood. She ranks among the few of the older generation who are still vibrant in an industry that is fast being taken over by younger talents. In this interview with SEGUN AJIBOYE (Assitant Editor), she tells the story of her journey in the make-believe industry, marriage, style and other sundry issues. Excerpts:

    You have been around as an actress for a long time. How has it been?

    To start with, my name is Lanre Hassan, popularly known as Mama Awero or Maami. But to answer your question, the journey has been good. God has been very kind and good to me and I thank Him for all His goodness in my life.

    You talked about God’s goodness. But how tough was it starting a career in acting?

    There is no point denying the fact that it has been tough. To be in an industry for 51 years is no joke at all. When we started, parents didn’t allow their children to act. They regarded the job as a job for no-do-wells. So, anybody who showed interest in the job was regarded as either lazy or irresponsible. Nobody gave us any recognition.

    So how did you cope with the perception?

    I will tell you that most of us who were around then went into the industry because of the love for the job. We did not make any money and people around did not show us any respect, but we were determined to prove them wrong. We never thought that a time like this would ever come. But God has been wonderful.

    And you are reaping the fruits of your dedication today.

    Exactly! After all the sufferings of those days, I am enjoying the fruits of my labour. There is hardly any country that I have not been to around the world. In Nigeria, I don’t think there is any place that I don’t know. All these are because of the job I do. I cannot walk on the street without people recognizing me and shouting my name.

    I know you are popular among your fans. How rich are you?

    You see, our people measure success with money. But that is wrong. Your acceptance by a large crowd of people, who most times you don’t even know, is a sign of how successful you are. I thank God for His blessings. Though I may not be rich in terms of counting the millions, but God has made me to be comfortable. And that, to me, is a measure of my success.

    Looking at the industry today, the fad is for the practitioners, especially the young ladies, to start movie productions, even before fully learning the arts of the trade. What is your view on this trend?

    Things were not like this during our time. Back then, all of us were dedicated to the job because of the love that we have for it. So, there was no rush among us to make money. As I speak with you, I will call a certified movie director to direct movie, even though I can direct. But unfortunately, what you find among young actors and actresses is to start production, even before they know how to act well. It is like a child trying to run before he could walk. They want to act, direct and produce at the same time. We have been telling them about this shortcoming and I pray that they will understand what we are trying to tell them.

    I am sure you must have been very charming in your younger days. How were you able to cope with harassment from the men?

    It is all about discipline. You need to be disciplined and to know the child of whom you are. For me, a lot of credit should go to my guardian. She is late now, but she trained us on how to relate with the men. So, from that early age, we knew how to relate with the men and what to expect from them.

    But looking at the industry today, it seems the fears of the parents during your time are being confirmed. Very few of the young women are married. And even those who are married soon quit the marriage. Why are these happening?

    The difference is that during our time, we knew one another very well. Most of the marriages during our time were based on the love for each. But these days, things are no longer the same. If you live in Nigeria and you are married to a man who lives in the UK or US, you should be asked when and how you met. They just go into marriages without knowing anything about each other. So, even before you can blink, you hear that the marriage had packed up.

    Is your husband an actor?

    My husband was not an actor. As a matter of fact, he wanted me to quit the job soon after we got married, but we found a way to resolve it. All this was because we understood each other. If we didn’t understand each other, there was no way the marriage would stand.

    You are saying that the job is not responsible for the crashed marriages…

    You cannot blame the job for the crashed marriages. It is the fault of the individual woman. Look at all those old women in the industry. Why didn’t they suffer the same fate with their marriages? So, the marriages crash not because they are actresses or actors. It is part of the traits that we are witnessing today.

    Which can you describe as the happiest day since you started acting?

    For me, everyday is a happy day. Don’t forget that we are trained to make people happy. So, for you to do that, you have to be happy yourself.

    So there was no  incident that has discouraged you so far?

    Well, I can point to one particular incident. It was the day I lost my child. It was the day that one of us, that popular actor, Ojo Ladipo, popularly called Baba Mero died. We went to his house and came back home. In the morning, my child was dead. It was really tough. I simply lost all. And shortly before then, I had lost another child. He died while I was on the stage acting.

    So you felt like quitting?

    Yes. I was scared and asked myself several questions. What could be responsible? Was it because of my job? I just could not stand it. But thank God, there were several elderly people around us. They came and consoled me. They told me that the deaths were just coincidental. That was what saved me. It learnt a lot on how to relate with other people. And that you should be nice to people on your way up because you might need them on your way down.

    You sure have a very bright sense of fashion. Do you have any fashion routine?

    The truth is that I don’t have any particular style. Whatever you see me wear or step out in is the grace of God. However, I know that there is the need for you to step out neat because you need to dress the way that you want people to address you.

    Your husband died a long time ago. Why have you refused to try another marriage?

    Me, another marriage? No, I don’t want it.

    Are the men not pestering you?

    You should know that they would come. But it is up to you to politely reject whatever offer they are bringing. You need to stand on your feet and maintain your stand.

    So, how did you maintain your stand?

    By simply making them understand that I am not interested in marriage; and that my kids are my companions. It is that simple. Moreover, how would any man want to marry me when I am always on the road travelling for one job or the other.

    You were a member of the Ojo Ladipo Theatre Group. How many were you at the time?

    We were about four at the beginning. The group included me, Ojo Ladipo, Iya Mero and Oga Bello. But later on, others came to join. Some could not stay because it was tough. But we persevered and remained with the group. Today we are reaping the fruits of our perseverance. And that is what I want the younger generation of artistes to imbibe. There is no need for them be in haste to be rich. All those will come with time._

     

     

    ‘Marriage? I’m fulfilled the way I am’  • Continued from Page 37

     

    • Continued from Page 37

     

    Abuja have started to raise their own families. There is nothing that gives me joy than seeing people who went through my tutelage aspire, perspire and acquire.

    Does that mean you won’t ever give marriage a second chance?

    Never say never because limitations, like fears, are often illusions. It is only God that can decide that. Maybe if God reconciles me with my ex, but what do I even want again? Honestly, ask me, what do I want again? I have my God, I worship Him in happiness. I have a lovely team of excellent staff. I have a successful son. God has done enough for me and no man can equate God’s stand in my life. I am fulfilled.

    We have observed that you are also a show-stopper when it comes to parties.

    I sell what I wear, I wear what I sell. I don’t do cheap fashion. I go for quality and people know that if they have me at their events, they have quality and what I wear from my jewelries down to clothes and shoes are all original from the source. We have just launched the new Honey Bee branded Gele and Honey Bee shoe series; that is why people are presently trooping into my place to buy. We are proud of our business heritage.

    How does your day look like?

    My day starts with God. I pray and offer Him praises for His kindness and mercy upon my life. I also appreciate Him for the role He is playing upon my businesses and family. That done, I try to meditate, and read the news on CNN and BBC. I am a news person, I like to be abreast with what goes around in my environment and other parts of the world. I take my breakfast after my first client comes around.

    The day is often busy and interesting, at times they come down and sometimes we send our sale representatives to go and drop for them. If I am not travelling or attending to other issues, I do my business and count my blessings for the day. Beyond everything, it is good to pay tithe to God and that is one secret of God’s blessing in my life.

    Do you have a role model?

    Yes I do, her name is Madam Hedy Bush of Abba Bush Intercontinental; she is my prime producer and supplier in Austria, very humble, intelligent woman with good diction of English language. I love her calmness and Godliness despite her wealth. She is one woman I look up to and I will like to be like her someday because she is an astute business woman with a heart of gold.

    What does style mean to you?

    It means comfort, confidence, expression and strategy. Style is what you sell and what you sell is what you learn and what you learn is what you earn and what you earn is what permits your social security. I am a sociologist, I studied sociology and that is why I am sounding like this (laughs). So, style to me is comfort, confidence, expression and strategy. I mean you cannot expect me to go and see Mrs. Dieziani Madueke or Mrs Dame Patience Jonathan now and I take Abuja taxi cab to their office.

    It is like somebody that wants to go and see Governor Babatunde Fashola in Lagos and you go there in a Danfo bus, I am sure you will spend hours at the reception room. That is if they will even allow the person in. But step in there with a top notch SUV or Mercedes Benz Car and before you even alight from your car, the message that you are around would have already reached your host. I believe in style, I believe in quality fabrics and accessories, I believe in standards and that is why I am Honey Bee.

  • Are you a main chic or side babe?

    I CAME across these words main chic and side babe a couple of days ago. There will always be a main chic, just like there will always be a side babe. The choice is yours to make.

    For every relationship you have kept, you are either the main chic or the side babe. Sometime too, you could be a main chic somewhere and be the side babe somewhere else.

    How do you know when you are the main chic or the side babe? We need to figure these things out because of the naïve once among us. Being naïve is not the same thing as being stupid. Being naïve is being inexperienced and inexperience can make you walk into a relationship as the side babe, thinking you are the main chic.

    I recall an incident that happened in my church. When a babe who was very resourceful and earning well at her place of work fell for a guy who promised her marriage. She was so naïve that she believed she was the main chic, but unknowing to her she was the side babe.

    Experience will teach you to juxtapose someone’s words with his actions. If he says one thing and does something else, without providing explanation beyond reasonable doubt, then you might have to take your time more. Just by keeping to yourself at times and just watching how he reacts can tell you if he cares or not.

    You are in a relationship and you notice that if you don’t call him, you don’t get to talk for days on end, until you decide to call him again, you are a side babe. It’s as simple as that. If he calls you only when he needs sex or financial assistance, you are a side babe. If he doesn’t always pick your calls when you call him, but returns them much later that day or doesn’t even return them at all, you are a side babe.

    When you fight him repeatedly for not calling, and he keeps giving the excuse that he doesn’t have a good calling habit, you are a side babe. If you are the only one who goes to his house when he needs you, and not necessarily when you want to see him and he never comes to see you at your house, you are a side babe. It doesn’t take rocket science to know these things.

    There are many ways to know. It is not limited to these ones I have mentioned.

    When you are in love, the gloss over your eyes makes you make excuse for the one you love.

    But true love is a two-way thing. If you don’t do the calling alone, you are the main chic. If you see him when you want to see him and not when he feels like seeing you, you are definitely the main chic. If you can talk freely with him without the fear of him dumping you, you are the main chic. If he’s there for you when you need him, you are the main chic.

    Back to my church member, Chi, not the full name, met Sunday who was trading in auto spare parts in the popular Ladipo Market. When they met and Sunday realised that she was earning well at her place of work, he decided to play at love just to get material things from her.

    If he demands money from you all the time you are definitely a side babe. A man can be in need, but he should not always demand financially. It’s not in the place of man to do that. It’s a different thing if you offer to help.

    As the relationship progressed, he promised her marriage. Chi was so overjoyed that she decided to surprise him with a car gift. Their relationship revolved around money. Sunday was always in need of one thing or the other which she always fixed. She became Miss Fix It. All these she did in good faith because she wanted him to be comfortable. Beside, there was already an understanding between them to spend the rest of their lives together. So, Chi felt whatever favour she did him, she was doing for herself. She already started seeing them as an item. But a Christmas came and Sunday was planning to make a trip to the village as usual. Chi too wanted to travel so she insisted that they rode together which he agreed. He agreed because he had demanded a lot of money from her to shop for the season for his family back home. So he couldn’t deny her his company to the east that Christmas period. But when they got to the east, they went their separate ways against the will of Chi who was already looking forward to meeting with Sunday’s family. But Sunny, as he was fondly called, pleaded with her to go to her hometown, but promised to come and see her two days later and bring her to meet with his people.

    Wonders, they say, would never end. Sorry to digress a bit, a colleague of mine who said he enjoyed reading my column asked me to confess, if the things I write are true life stories. I told him yes. He was surprised. But truth is life is stranger than fiction. This is a true life story like others I have written in the past.

    On the day Sunny promised to pick Chi up at her hometown so she could meet his people was actually the day he was getting married to another lady. Chi, of course, didn’t know what was going on.

    She woke up that morning feeling on top of the world because her beau was coming. But instead of Sunny’s calls, it was a friend of his who felt he had been unfair to her despite all she did for him that called her on that fate day and informed her of Sunny’s wedding to someone else.

    In order for her to know he wasn’t lying to her, he sent her a text, stating the address of the wedding reception. Despite the clue, Chi couldn’t believe that Sunny could do a thing so cruel to her, not after all she had done for him and the affection she showed him. However, she decided to see things for herself. Chi still thought it was all a prank and was hoping to be surprised by Sunny in a good way.

    According to her, she thought he had to play that prank just because he couldn’t come and pick her up as promised, but didn’t know how to inform her of the change of plans. She thought he wanted her to come on that day all the same.

    While on her way, she began to think of the possibility of the whole thing being true.  She began to reminisce on how Sunday kept demanding for money during that period not knowing he was using the money to plan his marriage with someone else.

    Was Chi stupid? No, my personal opinion. I think she was just inexperienced. She felt there was nothing wrong in helping her man becoming financially independent. Of course, there is nothing wrong in a lady assisting her man to be financially independent. If she’s in the position, but she needs to be able to decipher if it’s only the money that binds them together. She needs to check and make sure those other things I listed above are not a regular occurrence in her relationship. She needs to be sure she’s not being taking for granted.

    Well, it turned out to be true. She saw for herself. Chi was so heartbroken after that incident. All along, she had been the side babe without knowing. She was so furious that she threatened to arrest him so he could return some of the things she had given to him like the car and some other things. But after much intervention, she decided let go. It wasn’t too long after then that she met someone else in church and they got married.

    You don’t have to be the side babe, if it’s not by choice. In her case, it was not her choice to be the side babe. She was just a victim of her own naivety. And Sunny took advantage of it.

    A lot of sisters end up been the side babes when they really want to be the main chic. It’s so easy to slide into that position. All it takes is for you to turn a blind eye to certain things in your relationship. When he tries to take you for granted and you don’t let him have his way, a guy who is not ready for a serious relationship will stylishly take a walk.

    Sometimes, I wonder how guys manage to get away with so much lies. You can afford to be naïve when you are in your teens, but as you get matured, you should learn to decipher someone’s action. If you are not clear on someone character or on how someone treats you that you don’t like, speak to someone who is better experienced. Ask questions. Don’t just turn a blind eye to it because you are afraid he will walk away if you raise the issue with him. When you feel like that, it’s a sign that you are not the main chic. A main chic is comfortable in her relationship and feels free to air her opinion. If he bullies, shots you down whenever you try to call his attention to something you don’t like, you are not the main chic.

    This is where I am going to stop on main chic or side babe. As usual, I want to hear your opinion on the topic. Apart from some of the things I have mentioned in this write- up, in your opinion, how do you know when you are the main chic or side babe?

    Please, let’s share our experiences with others, so they don’t waste their time in fruitless relationships when they actually desire a serious relationship that can lead to marriage.

     

  • She left me because I was poor; so what does she want now? (3)

    As you can imagine, my wife’s abrupt and unexpected departure from our home left me confused and sad. At first, I just sat staring blankly at the wall in the living room, unable to function. Later, when the twins began crying for food, I had to get up and prepare breakfast for them. That was the beginning. From that point, I became a father, mother and nurse maid to the boys. Initially, they asked for their mother. But after a while, they stopped pestering me about when ‘Mummy would return from the village to visit ‘Grandma’ as I had told them.

    God knows I made a lot of efforts to get her back but all yielded no fruit. I even travelled to her village to inform her mother and family about what was going on in my home. They told me they had neither seen nor heard from her for months and did not know where she was. The same with her friends when I contacted them; they denied knowing where she presently lived.

    It was only one, Brenda who probably took pity on me and confessed that my wife had warned her not to tell me where she had moved to.

    “Sherri’s staying with one man she calls her ‘husband’. I saw her once with the man while she was still living with you but she never told me she was having an affair with him. I thought they were just friends. Anyway, I don’t like what she has done and I told her so when I went to see her recently,” Brenda said.

    She then gave me the address of my wife’s new abode. One Saturday morning, my friend Larry drove me down to the place so we could cajole her to return home. For despite what she had done, the truth was that I still loved Sherri and I was ready to accept her back if she was willing to.

    But it was a wasted journey. Sherri, on sighting us at the door of the new-looking bungalow where she lived started shouting that if we did not leave at once, she would call the police and ‘have us locked up!’

    “Dan or whatever your name is, you have the guts to come to my new husband’s home! You are not even afraid! I think the poverty afflicting you has affected your brain! You better leave before I call the police!”

    “Please, why don’t you just listen to us, Sherri. Dan wants you back home. Just pack your things and let’s go,” said Larry.

    “Go where? This is my home now! This is where I belong. The earlier this stupid friend of yours realize our marriage is over, the better! You are lucky my husband is not home, or you people would have seen ‘fire’ today!”

    I spoke up then.

    “It hasn’t come to that, Sherri. You are still my wife and the mother of my children. The twins keep asking after you. Don’t you even miss them? Why don’t you come home and see them?”

    “You want me to come home! Alright, wait here let me get my bag,” she said, going into the house.

    A short while later, she returned with a bucket of water which she threw on us! Worse, the water was mixed with pepper; so we were not just soaked to the skin, we had itchy skin from the pepper.

    As we walked towards the gate looking like drenched cats, Sherri kept pouring curses and invectives on us.

    “So, you are leaving? Stay now! Useless, jobless idiots! You have nothing better to do than come here to harass another man’s wife so early in the day. The next time I see your ‘k leg’ in this compound, it’s acid I will pour on you, not just ‘pepper water’. Yeye people! You want to come and put ‘sand sand in my garri’, spoil all the fun I’m having in my new home. Nonsense!..

     

    Family meeting

    After that nasty experience, I did not see my wife again till some weeks later. It was at a family meeting that was convened to resolve the matter between us. At the gathering presided over by an elderly Uncle of hers who was the family head, my wife remained obdurate. The old man precisely told her that as far as the family was concerned, I was the only husband they knew; he even ordered her to move back to our home.

    “You have no excuse whatsoever for abandoning your matrimonial home and moving to another man’s house. So what if he is currently having difficulties because of his failed business ventures. So? Is he the first man to fail in business and go broke? If every wife abandons her home just because the husband is broke, do you know how many broken homes we will have in the society? What kind of irresponsible behaviour is that? If your father were alive today, he will be very angry with you! I don’t know where you got this bad character from because women in our family don’t behave in this manner. This young man was good to you and also the family when the going was good. It’s your duty as a wife to stand by him now that things are rough. That is what marriage is, full of ups and downs. It’s not rosy all the time! You don’t run away at the slightest hint of trouble and move into another man’s house!”

    “This your so-called new husband is unknown to us. We don’t know that man! It’s our son-in-law here, Dan we know. So, go and pack your things at once and go back to your home. Go and take care of your children and family. That is my final decision and that of this family!”

    I was very happy at the decision and was hopeful that it would put an end to Sherri and I’s estrangement. How wrong I was! Sherri defied her family’s order to return home and continued to stay with her new man. To make matters worse, she even threatened to get custody of the twins through the courts if I did not stop harassing her about returning. She already had Karen, our baby daughter and I did not want to lose my sons. It was tough bringing them up on my own but I would rather go through all that stress of raising the boys than allow them brought up in another man’s home.

    I decided to leave everything to fate and focus on my boys as well as resuscitating my business. With Larry’s support, things began to pick up for me gradually. A few jobs here and there enabled me acquire some capital with which I began doing business again. Then, to my joy, Larry’s business partner in China finally agreed to do business with me on a credit basis based on his recommendation. That turned out to be a major breakthrough for me. I sold the first consignment of goods he shipped to me and promptly remitted the money to him. He was so happy that I met up with the contractual agreement on time that he agreed to do business with me on a long term business.

    With that connection and a few others, I started making money again. I moved out of the house we were living into a bigger place in a nicer neighbourhood. I even got a maid to take care of the house and twins who were growing fast. Then, nearly two years after my wife left me, I started seeing another lady. Doreen was a member of our church. I used to see her around the church but we did not become close until we both became members of a committee set up for a building project in the church headquarters.

    All along, I had stayed away from women because of my experience with my wife. Besides, I always felt at the back of my mind that Sherri might return home one day and what would happen when that day came and another woman had taken her place. But when two years passed with no sign of her, I finally gave up especially when I heard she had had a baby for her new man. I decided to put the past behind me and forge on with my life.

    It was at this point that Doreen and I started seeing each other. We grew to love each other and best of all, she loved my boys and was always caring towards them. After I had studied her for a while, I made up my mind and decided to marry her. Larry and all my family members were all in support of the union. So, five months ago, they all accompanied me to her father’s house in Benin and we did the introduction and other traditional marriage rites.

    Since then, we have been living happily together as a couple. Her coming into my life has brought so much blessings, it’s like a new beginning for me. My business is doing so well that I’m nearly at the level I was three years before when my goods were seized at the ports.

    I’m at a good place now and I thank God for everything. The only problem now is my former wife Sherri. She suddenly resurfaced in my life after three years of absence begging me to take her back! Imagine that! This is a woman that caused me so much pain and heartache and just when things were going well for me again, she wants to return.

    It turned out that the man she was living with had a wife who was based abroad. The woman, who owned the house and all the other properties they had been enjoying, suddenly returned to Nigeria one morning. She threw Sherri and her children out, locked up the house and took her husband with her back to her base abroad.

    With no where to go, Sherri felt she had no option but to come back to me! Anyway, I told her when she came to see me in my new office that there was no ‘vacancy’ at home anymore, that her place had been taken by a woman who understood what real love and marriage meant.

    She has been going about telling all my friends and family members to plead with me to forgive her and take her back. I always tell them that can only happen when ‘pigs start flying’ meaning never!

    Why would I take a woman back who abandoned me at my hour of need? Who almost blinded me with the water and pepper concoction she poured on my friend and I? In fact, her misdeeds are too many to mention here.

    The only concession I have is to send her an allowance regularly at least for the upkeep of my daughter Karen so the little girl will not suffer because of her mother’s bad behaviour. With time, I plan getting custody of the child so she can be with her brothers.

    I’m writing this so the young guys out there who want to marry should learn to choose their partners carefully. Look for a lady who loves you enough to remain with you even when things are not going well, not the one that will run away like my ex-wife just because I lost all my money and became poor.

     

    Concluded

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator, his wife and other individuals in the story.

     

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