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  • HOW I SAVED MY MARRIAGE FROM CRASHING –NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS BOSE ALAO-OMOTOYOSI

    HOW I SAVED MY MARRIAGE FROM CRASHING –NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS BOSE ALAO-OMOTOYOSI

    As an actress, Bose Alao-Omotoyosi is known for pulling her weight in both the Yoruba and English segments of Nollywood. No stranger to controversy, she says she prefers to be called a dual actress. Married to a Nigerian-born Beninese footballer, Razak Omotoyosi, she speaks with OVWE MEDEME about earlier controversies surrounding her life, her career, marriage and future endeavours. Excerpts 

    CAREER-WISE, how would you say you have fared this year?

    This year has been a very great year because I started my year with my own personal movie production, The Chauffeur. The movie features heavy weights in the industry like Rita Dominic, myself, Yakub Mohammed, Ibinabo Fiberisima, Bobby Obodo and a host of others. I had a great start. I started at the first week of the year and since then, we’ve been at post-production. I’ve also been working in other people’s productions. I’ve done two other movies outside that

    Is The Chauffeur out yet?

    No, it’s not out. It will be in cinemas very soon and we will be doing the screenings, the premiere and all of that.

    How soon should we expect it?

    Let’s say a month from now.

    What is the movie about?

    The movie is actually about a lady’s past. She felt it was gone until she employed a chauffeur or what we will call a driver and her past comes knocking again. And that was the beginning of her problems.

    Is it your first production?

    No, this is my fourth English movie. I’ve done like five Yoruba movies also. I have others I’m yet to release. There is Blind Spot, featuring Mercy Johnson, Majid Michel, Rachel Oniga and others. Then there is also Rough Day. It is a new movie which I just shot. I played the lead role alongside Michael Godson, Denrele Edun and others.

    Do you regard yourself as a crossover actress?

    I’d rather say I’m a dual actress. I still act Yoruba movies but I’m not producing them for now, because of the marketing challenge and all that.

    Are you saying your mission in mainstream Nollywood is to make money?

    No. when I went into movie, the opportunity that was open to me was Yoruba movies. It wasn’t because I wanted to do only Yoruba movies. I had to start somewhere. And then, about a year after, I had the opportunity to work with Royal Roots Production.

    Which of these genres gives you the joy most?

    Let’s be realistic, it is the Yoruba industry. You know why? It is because I don’t have any problem speaking my language. I enjoy it so much; I express myself better when I speak Yoruba. But I’m a versatile person

    You once accused your fellow actress, Bidemi Kosoko, of interfering with your marriage. Although she has denied it, are you still sticking with your claim?

    I didn’t even claim that in the first place. I really don’t want to talk about it, but it wasn’t a claim. I don’t want to talk about it because I want it to die a natural death. It is dead already to me. In marriage, some things happen that is beyond our control.

    As women, we might not be able to handle them that period. I think that was what happened to me. I didn’t mean to hurt Bidemi. I didn’t mean to hurt my husband. You know men, there is nothing you will ask a man that he will give you a straight answer to. I received a message, so I asked the public what they would do if they were in my shoes. Because you sending that message and telling me you are Bidemi’s friend is funny. I don’t mix with people that much. I’m a reserved person.

    Did the incident cause a crack in your marriage?

    Definitely, it did.

    So how did you resolve it?

    We applied understanding at the end of the day. He felt I sent that message to accuse him. We didn’t talk for some time. If I tell the world nothing happened, I would be lying. For some days we were not talking to each other. He stopped talking to me. Then I told him my intentions. But with the help of our kids, we started talking again.

    What is your relationship with Bidemi today?

    (Laughs) Bidemi Kosoko! I’ve not even seen her.

    If you see her today, what would you say to her?

    I would say ‘Bidemi why did you block me on Instagram?’ (Laughs). Well, she’s a sister. So if I see her, maybe I will just tell her I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way.

    Aside the movies and all the glamour, what else are you into?

    I’m into ticketing. I do reservation. I’m not an embassy so I don’t give visas (laughs). I’m about to open an academy or a film school at Ogba (Lagos). And I’m a full-time mum too.

    Four kids in this era when people are going for smaller families. Why four?

    It’s not my fault. I started with twins. I didn’t do four times. This is my ninth year in marriage and I gave birth three times.

    How did you make it this far in marriage?

    The reasons marriages break is you journalists. Stop asking us questions about our marriage (laughs). It’s just been the grace of God. Then, I think what women are lacking now in marriage is the inability to talk to themselves. Don’t listen to people when it comes to your home. Listen to yourself. I think that’s what’s working for me. It’s not as if because I married a footballer, I swim in millions. It is not like a bed of roses, but I talk to myself and I put my kids first.

    But you do swim in millions!

    Amen to that.

    Footballers are always on tour and as an actress, you are always on set. How has it worked out for you?

    Maybe that’s one thing that is even making us still be together. Because I think there is something about distance. When you don’t see yourselves every day, and then you get to see, the love strikes hot. You don’t get tired of each other.

    The only problem that I was supposed to have but I fought was my kids; their foundation in school. I took it upon myself that I’m not going to stay with him wherever he is because he’s not stable. When I just had the girls, we used to travel around. But at some point, we stopped when I felt we needed that stability. I was asked to choose between staying abroad or staying here, but I chose to stay in Nigeria, if not for anything, for my career. Also, I didn’t want to live in a land where I cannot scold my child.

    In one of your past interviews, you said your husband saw you on TV and fell in love with you. What if he sees someone else and falls in love with them?

    That’s a question that has been bothering me, but something told me that when he saw me on TV, I wasn’t the first person he would be seeing. But because the bond is from heaven, because we are destined to be together, the love came. I have never heard that before our relationship that he has dated an actress before. That doesn’t mean he wasn’t watching movies.

    Something happened during the Bidemi scandal and I was so skeptical about the situation. When you call your man and ask questions, you believe what you want to believe. Not because you don’t trust him, but because it’s just like that. A lot of people sent their advice, a lot of people sent messages. But truth is, I picked the one I wanted to pick from my own heart, not from anything anybody says. I saw Bidemi’s messages; I looked at it and picked what I wanted to.

    What’s it like being married to a fan?

    There was a fear initially but at this point, any other person that is coming in now will come and do number five baby o. I know some women don’t mind actually but the truth is that, I don’t have any fear knowing the kind of man I’m married to. Honestly, Rasak is a godly person and I don’t think there is any other thing you want from a man apart from that. Of course, time and friends and people influence men, but seriously my man is a godly person. He doesn’t lust after women that much. So I don’t have any fear.

    There is a general perception that actresses are flirts. Is it that you people are sending the wrong signals?

    It’s because the job is like that. If you as a man want to marry an actor, I think what you should look out for is her background. There are things I can’t do. I’m not saying I’m a saint, but I can’t do some things, because if I look at my mother and my siblings and all the scolding I would get, I wouldn’t want to do what would upset my family. I’m not a born-by-mistake actor. I’ve been acting from primary five. I’ve been doing stage plays and all that. My dad insisted that I be a science student. If not, I would have studied Theatre Arts or something. It all depends on your background.

    So what did you study?

    I studied Biology, later I opted for Business Administration.

    Did it break his heart when you went into acting?

    He was late by then, but I remember I wrote a letter and I gave him my word, because his point was what you just said about flirting. So I told him I will not disappoint him.

    Do you intend to run for elective office?

    Yes, if I have the chance and privilege; and if God says yes.

    What are your plans for the remaining part of the year?

    Let God’s will be done, but my film academy is what I’m working on right now. I can’t wait to help people who want to be like me. I want more of scripts. I want to work. I don’t want to produce for now. I have about five movies that are still in the works. So for now, I want to work for people as an actor.

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple(2)

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er
 “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the clichĂ© of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun
 Now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we
” and “Do you remember
” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is
 there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • Five lessons from 25 years of marriage

    Last Tuesday, I marked the 25th anniversary of my marriage to my sweet heart, Aderonke Toluwanimi Otufodunrin (nee Bashiru). I can confirm that 25 years of being married takes a lot of efforts but more importantly the grace of God who knows the end from the beginning.

    Below are five of the major lessons I have learnt over the years.

    FAVOUR

    He who finds a wife, the Bible says, finds a good thing and has obtained favour from The Lord. Very true.

    But for favour, how do I explain meeting a young lady on a ‘blind date’ arranged by a friend, agree to be friends, married her few years later and have remained soul mates for the last 25 years? Our marriage has also been blessed with four wonderful children; two have already graduated from the University of Lagos, one about to graduate from the same institution and the one we call extra, seven years after the third born, Korede, has completed the Junior Secondary School.

    It’s indeed the Lord’s doing and it’s marvelous in our eyes.

    GRACE

    Someone once said marriage is like buying from a night market. Most times you are not sure how good what you bought is until you get home or the next day. I always joked with my Ronkusbaby that I had my eyes wide open while ‘buying’.

    The Grace of God has been sufficient to see me and my darling wife through the years.

    Two imperfect people, from different backgrounds, with varied positions on issues, remaining married for 25 years, Grace is it!

    Indeed, it is not of him that willeth or he that runneth, but of God that showeth mercy and grace.

    UNDERSTANDING

    A Church leader usually says he has not had the first quarrel with his wife. I can’t claim not to have had misunderstandings with my wife, but what has kept us going is what the Church leader says is the secret of his quarrel-free marriage.

    According to him, and I agree based on my experience, the kind of love and understanding you need with your wife, is the one that forgives before the offence is committed.

    There will be disagreements over, sometimes, very minor issues like pasting posters on the wall of the living room. But understanding each other by disagreeing to agree is crucial in resolving disputes.

    At some points in marriages, couples have to accept themselves for what and who they are.

    You can always have your say, but you can’t always have your way.

    COMMUNICATION

    Complete Communication is defined as sending of information from the sender to the receiver and getting the expected feedback. The communication channel must be noise-free for the message to be rightly communicated.

    In marriage, communication is key. Know how and when to communicate what you want. There is time to speak, there is time to shut up. Crack jokes when you have to and have laughter sessions.

    Don’t clutter your communication channel by your actions and inactions.

    RESOURCES

    What makes a man the head and not the headache of his family is, in addition to love, understanding and other factors, like the ability to meet his obligations.

    Even the Bible says he who is unable to provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Of course the wife is the helpmate, but the husband has a greater role to play financially and otherwise to justify being the head.

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple

    ALL marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble”.  Raymond Hull

    So how do you make your marriage work? Or do you just blindly hope it’ll take care of itself?

    Think of a hot, successful date with someone you’re attracted to. You have fun, great conversation and more sexual chemistry than a warehouse full of pheromones. You don’t have to “work at” the date because it’s self sustaining. It runs as smoothly as the gliding hand of a classical guitar maestro and you can’t wait for another rendition.

    But marriage, or any long term relationship; well that’s a whole other caboodle.

    If we’re not careful, marriage can deteriorate into little more than a torturous assault course; littered with routine boredoms, frustrations and resentments. Couple all that with external pressures and sometimes marriage feels not worth the effort. But there are major benefits to being hitched or committed, other than just a beneficial tax regime.

    Healthy marriage; healthy people

    Being happily married bestows heaps of health benefits. You might be forgiven for thinking that if you’re married you don’t live longer it just seems like it but, no, a good marriage really can help you clock up more years (1) and married people are happier (2) even though they don’t always look it from the outside.

    But when marriage doesn’t work it can feel being manacled to a maniac, marooned with a misogynist or nailed to a nag. And I don’t care what the studies say, that’s not healthy. You may hear couples say stuff like: “We are making our marriage work!” but how do we do this?

    Making it work .

    We pay lip service to “working on the marriage” but what is the work we need to do? Marriage vows such as-“to love and to cherish” and “forsaking all others, for better or for worse” don’t really tell us how to make it work, although they give us a clue.

    Fortunately a ton of research has been done on what to do and not do to make your marriage, or any intimate relationship work. Follow the guidelines here to become “good at marriage”.

    Tip one: Be romantic but keep it real

    We are all (force?) fed romance in movies and novels. The handsome man gets the beautiful woman. But what I wonder is what happens after our romantic couple ride off into the sunset together? What do they do exactly? Bicker? Moan at one another? Start to ignore each other?

    After all that romance, our beautiful couple is bound to have massive expectations of their life together. But when rose tinted expectations clash with day to reality, watch out!

    Romance is vital in any relationship. Always seeing the best in your partner helps to keep things intimate and love should be expressed. But if you have been raised on Mills and Boon Romance novels or feel-good movies, then your own romantic expectations can work against the sustainability of your long term relationship.

    When day to day life fails to live up to the giddy, heady lust-filled days of the pre-settled down romance people can become angry, even blame one another: “This wasn’t what I signed up for”. They find it hard to take the rough with the smooth because they never really figured there would be any rough.

    Expectations not diluted with at least a dash of realism can be a royal road to relationship ruin. Your partner may be an angel, but they have feet of clay. You must learn to love those feet or at least accept them a bit!

    Tip two: Say sorry so you won’t be

    Some people don’t apologize, and can never admit they were wrong. Sorry isn’t a word they can say unless they are asking you to be. If such people drive you nuts, console yourself with the thought that they don’t keep relationships very long

    People who don’t say sorry to their partner are much less likely to ever become married, or if they do they are much less likely to stay married. Never or seldom apologizing is a relationship crusher because one partner ends up feeling always in the wrong.

    A survey conducted in San Francisco (3) found that people who stay happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to apologize to their partners as divorced or single people are. The survey found happily married people are 25% more likely to apologize first, even if they only feel partially to blame. The harder divorced and single people found it ever to apologize or make conciliatory gestures, the more likely they were to stay single.

    Romance, passion and good Italian food may bring couples together, but compromise and respect will keep them there. Say sorry sometimes.

    Tip Three:  Drive those relationship-ruining bandits out of town.

    The marriage psychologist John Gottman spent decades observing the interactions between married couples behind a one way mirror (legally!). He and his researchers found they could predict amazingly accurately which marriages would stay the course and which would crash and burn. They could tell with great accuracy which couples were destined for relationship break up after listening (and watching) just five minutes of discussion regarding a difficult issue.

    It wasn’t how often they argued it was how they argued that was key to relationship longevity or marriage.

    There are four ways of communicating which are toxic to marriage. What Gottman describes ‘The “Four riders of the Apocalypse’, any one of which, if it’s a repeating feature of couples communication, is a big predictor of a not so happy ever after  and soon!

    So what are the Four Apocalyptic Riders you need to steer clear of?

     

     

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er
 “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the clichĂ© of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun
 now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we
” and “Do you remember
” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is
 there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • Femi Branch debunks marriage rumour

    Femi Branch debunks marriage rumour

    Contrary to reports circulating online, that Nollywood actor Femi Branch is set to get married the third time, the actor’s Spokesperson, Jonathan Daniel, told The Nation on Wednesday that the story is not true.

    “My client does not wish to speak on the matter at the moment,” said Daniel.

    “He is too busy please. But he is not remarrying.”

    On allegations by his second wife, Ibitola, who claimed she suffered domestic violence, leading to their separation, Daniel stated; “my client is also not saying anything on that. She can go ahead and say whatever she wants.”

    In a recent interview with a soft sell magazine, the estranged wife of the actor, and mother of his two kids, denegrated Branch as a sort of forewarning to the purported British woman, he is planning to get married to.

  • Niger warns against withdrawing girls from school for marriage

    The Niger State Government has warned parents against withdrawing female children from school, so as to give them out in marriage.

    Hajia Fatima Madugu, Commissioner for Education, gave the warning while speaking with the News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) on Saturday in Minna.

    “A major challenge we face in Niger is that of parents withdrawing their female children from school for early marriage‎.

    “We are not going to tolerate this anymore; we have had enough of that. There is an act specially designed for that purpose and we shall apply it.

    “Any person, who attempts to withdraw a child for early marriage, will have to face the wrath of the law,” she said‎.

    She said that the Ministry of ‎Education had begun a sensitisation through radio jingles, TV talk shows and other mediums targeted at exposing the dangers of early marriage.

    “The girl-child should be allowed to explore her potential; she should be allowed to achieve her dream ‎no matter her religion.

    “If the girl-child is withdrawn from school, she would have been cheated and this is not good for the country,” she said.

    ‎The commissioner cautioned parents against citing poverty as a reason for child abuse, saying that the state was poised to take stern measures against parents involved in that.

    “Poverty should not be an excuse for child labour. No one should force a child to to hawk instead of going to school.

    “Hawking is a molestation and an abuse of the child involved. In Niger, we will not tolerate that. A task force has been set up to fish out those engaged in that,” he said.

    She explained that children forced into the streets t0 hawk were prone to many risks like rape, kidnapping and trafficking. (NAN).

  • Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    The time you spend with your spouse right before you drift off to sleep is arguably the most important interaction you’ll have all day. Largely, it helps you overcome all day stress and the hectic workload at the office or place of business.

    Below, relationship experts share seven bedtime mistakes couples often make — and how to get back on track.

    1. Going to bed at different times.
    Sorry, night owl/early bird couples: Differing sleep schedules may seem like no big thing, but it’s more harmful than you realise, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and author ofMarriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

    “It’s a recipe for feeling lonely and emotionally (and physically) detached from each other,” she said. “One of the best things about being a couple is the warm, fuzzy time you share right before drifting off to sleep — why would anyone want to sacrifice that?”

    If you’re going to bed at separate times, there may be more to it than meets the eye, said Berger. “A conflict or grudge might exist that you need to talk about earlier in the day.”

    RELATED POST: Best sexual positions for first timers

    2. Being inconsiderate of your spouse’s schedule.
    If your late night TV or texting habits are getting in the way of your spouse’s rest, it may be time to move the flat screen or smartphone out of the bedroom, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist based in Little Rock, Arkansas. Whetstone called on a real life example to illustrate her point.

    One husband I counselled was a physician and had to be at the hospital by 6:00 a.m. every weekday. He pleaded with his wife, a stay-at-home mum, to not watch TV when he was trying to get a good night’s sleep but she wanted to keep it on all night as background noise

    Whetstone recalled. “Despite every effort ­– like suggesting she get headphones or he get earplugs and blinders for his eyes — nothing brought him peace and she would not budge. A few years later, they divorced.”

    3. Saying nothing — or very little — to each other before bed.
    After a long day of work and looking after the kids, who can blame you for wanting to jump into bed and call it a night? Still, it’s worth trying to carve out some time to emotionally reconnect with your spouse.
    “Take the time to talk about the highlights and low points of your day,” said LiYana Silver, a San Francisco-based relationship coach. “There’s no need to offer advice or therapy to each other — just keep it to a short share.”

    4. Spending time with your smartphone over quality time with your spouse.
    Do yourself a favour and escort your smartphone out of the room before you head to bed. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and texts should always take a backseat to your spouse, but especially before bed, Berger said.

    ALSO: Dealing with masturbation

    “Taking a tablet or phone to bed with you harms your relationship in two ways: First, it isolates you emotionally from each other,” she said. “Secondly, when we’re on electronic device shortly before sleep, the stimulation from the screen tends to keep you awake. With insufficient sleep, we’re likely to be less patient, kind and tolerant toward our partner the next day.”

    5. Self-grooming in bed.
    Save the grooming regimen for the bathroom. As Whetstone has heard from clients, nothing kills romance quite like an errant toenail flicking you in the face.A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed,” Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.”

    A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed. Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.

    6. Putting physical intimacy on the back burner.
    Starting to feel more like roommates than spouses? If one of you is avoiding coming to bed or is seemingly disinterested in sex, talk through your issues before you hit the sheets, said Whetstone.
    “When it comes to sex, quite a few clients have told me they suspect that their spouse won’t come to bed at the same time they do because they want to avoid sex — and quite a few don’t deny that,” she said.”I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    “I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    7. Going to bed angry.
    You shouldn’t abruptly end an argument just because it’s late and you’re both tired. But allowing unresolved conflicts or misunderstandings to fester time and time again isn’t good for your marriage, either.

    “There is a good reason for the saying, ‘Don’t go to bed angry,’” said Berger.

    “Instead, do your best to clear up issues well before bedtime, so when you’re ready to turn in for the night you’ll both want to communicate lovingly, in words, tone and actions.”

     

    First appeared on Huffington Post

  • Click to see What Finally Cured my husband’s premature ejaculation condition that made our marriage sexless for five years

    Click to see What Finally Cured my husband’s premature ejaculation condition that made our marriage sexless for five years

    My name is Mrs. Damilola, and before I married my husband, we used condoms to have sex, which made intercourse last between 2 – 5minutes.

    That was fine with me. I had read that this was average for most males. I also assumed that over time, things could even improve, and he kept telling me it was because I was so “tight” and sexy, etc.

    After six years of sex getting shorter and shorter, now, even with a condom, my husband now last about 15-30 seconds during sex with me. At first, it was very demeaning to me. I had been looking forward to a married sexual relationship, thinking my husband could perform better in bed.

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    Each time I would complain about the problem, my husband would read an article or two about premature ejaculation, then ignore the problem.

    Even worse, apart from my husband’s chronic premature ejaculation problem, I noticed that his manhood was getting smaller in size.

    His penis was really small like that of a baby and it could not penetrate me well enough. It was embarrassing.

    After years of my husband ignoring these 2 problems, I decided that I would have to end our marriage unless he finds immediate solution to the issue.

    So my husband started using drugs like viagra, cialis, vega-100, and even tried tramadol.

    Problem is this products work for a short time, and the issue continues. But these drugs also have side effects to his health.

    He even tried to use creams and spray that could make him last longer but it did not work for him… within 15seconds of penetrating me, he would release his semen all over the place.

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    He even tried using extenders and pumps to increase his small manhood size but most of them do not work and just cause him pain every single day he uses it.

    I felt really sad for him. It was really depressing for me.

    Because I did not want to cheat on my husband, I started looking for solution that would finally cure him. It was then I came in contact with a natural remedy from a men health specialist that recommended 2 powerful solutions for us.

    We order for the 2 solutions online, then it was delivered to my husband and he started using it.

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    The first product the men health specialist recommended for my husband is Japanese-made enlargement oil that helps men increase manhood size and also makes erection harder and stronger.

     

    My husband started using the enlargement oil and within 2 weeks I was seeing increase in my husband manhood. His small manhood have now increased in both length and girth… it is becoming bigger and fatter.

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    Apart from increase my husband’s manhood size, another thing I noticed his that my husband quick ejaculation issues was now a thing of the past.

    The enlargement oil makes you delay your ejaculation so you do not release too fast during sex with your woman.

    Also it helps to strengthen your manhood and cure your weak erections.

    So the enlargement oil helped my husband go up to 20minutes when having sex with me, and continuous application of the oil increased his manhood size to 5.3inches.

    What he simply does is to use the enlargement oil to massage his manhood and testicles in the evening before going to bed.

    The enlargement oil is safe, it has no side effects and its for external use only.

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    Truth is, I was surprised that my husband situation finally improved when he started using the MK enlargement oil.

    • No more 1 minute of sex and releasing too quick, instead we make love for 20minutes and he is still thrusting my vagina like a real man
    • His manhood was already increasing, he measured it and it has increased by 2.5inches within the first 2 weeks and 3 days
    • His manhood was now BIGGER and BETTER, so I love to give him blowjob before sex, and to play with his manhood

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    Secondly, the men health specialist also recommended a NAFDAC approved herbal supplement that helped my husband to restore his sexual stamina during sex, cure his premature ejaculation and weak erections.

    The supplement he recommended for my husband is Mascum Herbal Pride that helps men like you boost their libido, and get stronger, harder erections.

    You see, the truth about premature ejaculation and weak manhood is that it’s mostly caused by too much sugar in the body system, over masturbation and infections.

    Mascum Herbal Pride contains 50 capsules and within 2 weeks of my husband using it, his body system was renewed and his sexual performance improved. He started lasting 20minutes in bed and the problem of releasing during foreplay was gone for good.

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    The best part about Mascum Herbal Pride is that

    • it’s 100percent natural, it has no side effect on you even if you are a diabetic or hypertensive patients.
    • Also, it’s safe for Nigerian men no matter how old you are.
    • Even though you have been struggling with these problems of premature ejaculation and weak erections for years, it will surely help you permanently cure it.
    • Just 1 container of mascum herbal pride is enough to cure you of your sexual problems and end the miserable life of living with poor erections and quick ejaculation
    • Once you start using it, you no longer have to suffer from watery sperm, just use mascum herbal pride with natural honey to cure watery sperm

    Here’s How to order for your Mascum Herbal Pride and use it to finally get rid of weak erection and Quick Ejaculation

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    Right now, I and my husband are enjoying sex like we are young couples again. No more fights and quarrel anymore in our home because he satisfies me like a man should do.

    It’s not about being rich or being handsome
 it’s about how your manhood down there can perform during sex.

    If you can’t get good erections when you wake up in the morning, or you release within 2mins of making love to your woman, then you need the 2 solutions right away.

    If you ignore your problem, then get ready to face the consequences because your girlfriend will soon start complaining and she may run to another man that can satisfy her.

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    Listen, the main reason why I decided to share our true life story is because I know that millions of Nigerian men suffer from this poor erections and quick ejaculation problem.

    Most men keep it in silence or do nothing about it because they have tried several things in the past that did not work.

    But I recommend you use Mascum and MK enlargement oil so that you will finally be free from these big problems 
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    Do not procrastinate; ensure you get the 2 solutions now, because your woman will not tell you,

    • but one day she will start cheating on you with another man that can satisfy her better than you

     

    • or she will start picking quarrels and fights with you
 all because she is frustrated about your sexual performance
    • She will start denying you of having sex with her, after all you won’t last more than 2minutes in bed with her and your manhood is like that of baby
    • even worse, she will go for a man that has a bigger manhood that can fuck her very well

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    Bad news is that, the men health specialist will allow just the first 100 Nigerian men get access to these powerful solutions at a Discount, Reduced Price.

    So if you are interested in solving your erectile dysfunction problem, and finally want to end the shame of releasing too fast in bed, then get the Mascum Herbal pride and MK oil that has helped over 1,000 Nigerian men to improve their sexual performance and satisfy their women in bed.

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  • Chill for me on marriage – Wizkid

    Chill for me on marriage – Wizkid

    Following the buzz of Banky W and Adesua Etomi’s engagement, music superstar Wizkid has said he is not in a rush to get married.

    The Ojuelegba crooner who took to his Twitter account shortly after the engagement was announced to congratulate his ‘big brother’ Banky W.

    “Finally we can talk about this!!! My big bro @BankyW off the market!! Keep off ladies,” Wizkid, who has two sons, Boluwatife and Ayodeji,from two different relationships.

    However, when a fan asked when his wedding bells would ring, Wizkid said, “I’m still in the market o! I live in the market! Checking things and trying new products.”

    He replied another fan, saying, “Make una chill for me small!! Ahnahn… Me I just dey start my life o.”

  • BANKADESUA: FIRST NOLLYWOOD FAiRYTALE MARRIAGE

    BANKADESUA: FIRST NOLLYWOOD FAiRYTALE MARRIAGE

    Thank you for agreeing to be my wife – Banky W

    I’m sorry it took me so long to realise it was you –Adesua

    I’m not sure what the future will bring, but I’m completely sure that I am ready to face it with you by my side

    LIFE imitates Art far more than Art imitates Life” is an anti-mimesis philosophical position that has just played out in the love story of new celebrity couple; Nigerian singer, rapper, label owner and actor Oluwabankole Wellington, aka Banky W and award-winning actress Adesua Etomi whose marriage engagement was announced on May 3, 2017 – a surreal mix of fact and fantasy – earning the excitement of many.

    As the two entertainers become man and wife today, following a traditional marriage at the bride’s Lagos family house in Maryland, Ikeja, the reality of a relationship that, though planted sparingly, sprouted from the duo’s interpretation of a couple’s characters in the biggest Nollywood box office earner, The Wedding Party, will remain a reference point for a long while, and perhaps, a comparison to the usually controversial-eroding celebrity marriages in the entertainment industry.

    Just as many doubted the authenticity of the engagement, which had a suspicious timing, knowing that the couple were on the set of The Wedding Party’s sequel, veteran colleagues of the couple, including Richard Mofe-Damijo, Mo Abudu, Sola Sobowale and Kemi Adetiba among others were on hand to dismiss the possibility of a marketing stunt for the star-studded film.

    “For these top celebrities sending congratulatory messages, the news of the engagement must be real,” people say, assuring themselves that their intelligence is not being taunted with another marketing stunt.

    “It’s actually real guys,” said Obi Asika on a social media forum. Just as Richard Mofe-Damijo asserted; “Very real. 
Been working with the couple. Both are my peeps.”

    “It’s like the first real fairytale engagement in Nollywood that I can remember. Others before now were folk tales by moonlight,” quipped Charles Novia. He added: “Two ‘Ajebutter’ lovers in the entertainment industry getting engaged. That’s a Fairy Tale Engagement. Retro the past ones we know through the years; it’s either ‘Ajekpako’ meets ‘Ajebutter’.

    The groom could not convince anyone less, with his two-part social media epistle. Here is how he put it:

    “Dear Susu, 
I knew pretty early in the process that I wanted to spend forever with you. Prayed about it fervently. But it took you FOREVER (okay fine… maybe a year and a half or so) to see things my way. But I kinda knew all along… I was just waiting for you to catch up.

    “In that time, I got engaged to you in my “Made For You” music video
 and then by coincidence, we both got cast to get married in “The Wedding Party” movie… But all the while we were the very best of friends. I guess, in our case, real life will now imitate art.

    “I’m not sure what the future will bring, but I’m completely sure that I am ready to face it with you by my side. I pray that God continues to build me into the kind of man that you deserve. I love you Susu.. I feel safe and at peace with you. You mean the world to me. Thank you for agreeing to be my lover and best friend. Thank you for agreeing to be my wife.”

    Allaying all doubts, he said: “The timing of this may make some people think this is promo for another video, or a movie. It isn’t. Ironically, everyone who has seen us together in art, or in life, always insists that we have amazing chemistry. I guess you can say we have been hiding in plain sight. I fell in love with an Actress. Now my life is a movie. In February of 2017, I asked Adesua Tolulope Oluwaseun Etomi to be my wife. She said Yes.”

    Fans may not be privy to Adesua’s yah in the real sense of it; not that scripted line from ‘The Wedding Party”: Her actual expression, her state of ecstasy or if she betrayed her calmness by jumping at Banky W’s proposal, but one could read between the lines as published in her social media post.

    “Our friendship opened my eyes to a lot of things. Opened my eyes to the type of man Olubankole is and WHAT A MAN. WHAT A MIGHTY GOOD MAN. Olubankole, Your Heart is pure and good, to the very core. You are proof that God is real; you are proof that what’s on the inside is greater and so much more powerful than what we see on the outside and you are the evidence of what I hoped for. I bless God for entrusting my heart in your hands because I know it’s safe. You are everything I prayed for and so much more.

    Thank you for praying with me, fasting with me, always making time for me, laughing with me, and caring more about me than yourself. Thank you for being kind, loving and full of Integrity. And I’d like to say one more thing. I’m SO SORRY that it took me sooo long to realise that it was you. It has always been you. It couldn’t have been anyone else.

    In February 2017, you said you couldn’t be without me and asked me to be your wife and I said YES because I can’t be without you. It will be an absolute pleasure and one of the greatest blessings of my life to walk the path of life with you. Thank you for being who you are. My goodluck charm, my King, my lover, my bestfriend. I love you till eternity and beyond. No, This Is not a movie. Future Mrs. W.”

    At a time when holes in celebrity marriages are blamed on too much media exposure, some entertainers are a bit worried for the couple. “I just pray that the public display will eventually not end in shackles. With all the marriage drama happening on social media, one begins to wonder if it isn’t better to keep private love matters private,” one said.

    “We can only pray for them and hope for the best. There are exceptions to every rule,” replied another.

    “Yes o. Prayer must follow oh, because the devil walks around like a roaring lion seeking whom to devour. When we put our businesses out there, (private or otherwise) we should be ready for war; spiritually and otherwise. Devil dey fight marriages wella,” the former concurred.

    However, for ‘Editor in Chief and Publisher of Genevieve Magazine, Mrs. Betty Irabor, the present media hype is just a spur-of-the moment, as the couple have a history of keeping their private affair private.

    She said: “So happy about this new trend where celebs spring engagement and wedding surprises. I hope the trend catches fire. Less shared the better!”

    Indeed, Bank W’s best friend and husband of celebrity OAP, Tunde Demuren attested to their maturity with privacy. “He asked. …She said yes” Love you guys!!! Congrats Susu&Bubba. This was tough keeping coded for so long,” he said on Instagram.

    Corroborating this, Nigerian hip-hop recording artist and entrepreneur, Chukie Edozien, aka Lynxxx, described it as the biggest secret he has had to keep. “Officially the biggest secret I’ve ever had to keep in my entire life! Congratulations brother! It’s been a long time coming!”