The Nation Newspaper

Tag: sexual

  • Sexual HARASSMENT: WE ASK FOR IT– NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS OPEYEMI AYEOLA

    Sexual HARASSMENT: WE ASK FOR IT– NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS OPEYEMI AYEOLA

    Although she has not featured in movies lately, beautiful actress, Opeyemi Ayeola Owolomose says that she’s still relevant in the industry. The screen diva who shares a different view about poverty in the sector of Nollywood speaks with ADEWOYIN ADENIYI about her upcoming projects, family, career and some other issues. Excerpts…

    YOU’VE been off the scene for a while now; your fans must have missed you on their television screen…

    I want to sincerely thank my fans and every lovely supporter who never stopped showing love and undying support for the Opeyemi Aiyeola Owolomonse brand. You all, through the grace of God, made me the success I am today. And yes, I realized and appreciate the fact that they all missed me, as the calls, messages, SMS and consistent communication on my social media handles shows that indeed am loved and still very much accepted.

    But I wouldn’t say I was ever out or that I quit acting. I’m very much an actor and still a major stakeholder in the movie making profession. But sometimes, some matters require your attention which will automatically disturb your initial movement.  And to God be the glory, it’s all been a success story so far.

    Are you working on any project presently?

    Yes of course. I’m at the concluding stages of my various projects, which are not only about movies. Any moment from now, my fans will once again have a feel of me they have always known.  And like I did say, I never left the movie making world, as my movies and the coming ones will always prove that indeed, I’m a born entertainer.

    But don’t you think a comeback wouldn’t be so easy because fresh talents have taken over the industry since you left?

    Interestingly, I’m this very loving soul who derives pleasure and happiness each time I see growing talents around me, and in the circumstance that I spot any, I nurture and encourage them as well. So, I don’t feel threatened or sad about it. Opeyemi Aiyeola has never been in contention with anyone and never will I be. Why should I be bothered about fresh talents taking over?

    Remember, I told you I never quit, neither did I leave the stage. I’m not on anyone’s lane, but I’m thankful to God that as at today I’m globally regarded as one of Nigeria’s pace setting entertainment role model and that’s fulfillment.

    What is your reaction whenever you watch any movie you starred

    in?

    Seeing or watching myself in any movie just makes me smile and fulfilled. It gives me a sense that I have been blessed to do what I’m gifted at; acting.

    What is the most memorable role you have played?

    Actually I don’t even have any precise role as favourite. I’m a humble actor, and a complete role/script interpreter. I fit in perfectly and deliver anywhere. Check my previous works, and you will agree with me on that.

    How true is the allegation that actresses suffer sexual harassment?

    I wouldn’t totally agree that it’s true as much as I wouldn’t deny it. Because it’s not happened where I am doesn’t mean it does not exist. From day one it’s always the case when men get attracted to women and vice versa. When you claim men harasses women, are you saying women too don’t torment or grease the male even with their sexy moves? So, for me, it’s a matter of choice. It becomes an issue when the two of them don’t agree before anything is done.

    How were you able to turn down sexual advances from producers/ directors while starting your acting career?

    I’m a woman, and a beautiful one at that. But I will never position myself at that corner where you will have the courage or momentum to even offer me such desire. I grew up as a very nurtured and disciplined woman and I’m never desperate at getting to the top. A man will only have the desire to sexually molest you if and when he sees you as just too loose and desperate. Once you don’t place yourself in such corners, I believe such would be convincingly avoided.

    How has family life been since you got married?

    It has been a wonderful experience sustaining a home. Though it is sometimes challenging, but I’m thankful and loving it every day. Just like every woman who has made up her mind to make it work, so am I, through the grace of God and with the ever loving support of my darling husband, my marriage has been more of a home, a peaceful family and a very healthy one at that.

    How did you meet your husband?

    No comment, but like a destined lucky woman I met him, and it’s been wonderful all the way.

    Has marriage affected your acting career in anyway?

    Marriage has not in any way affected my career as an actor, neither has it affected my personality as a celebrity. Because it’s been God all the way, and to the glory of God Almighty, I have a husband who believes in me, and has always been supportive of my journey in life. My kids as well, have been darlings in this too.

    How have you been able to keep your family issues away from

    the public eye?

    I don’t think that can be done. Remember we are celebrities? And the spotlight is always on us. You can’t claim to be a public figure and more so, a role model to so many, and expect that people won’t talk about you. All I have tried to do as a person is to live a good life and stay away from trouble and controversies. And I thank God that so far so good; it’s been a good one.

    Will you encourage your kids to go into acting?

    Choosing a career for them is something I actually don’t encourage. But as a parent, one should just help and guide their decisions and as well help to nurture them to make the right one. If they chose to do acting, all well and good, and if otherwise, still I will always be there for them. Mind you, acting made me the Opeyemi Aiyeola Owolomonse you all know today, and despite the exposure, I’m still a good wife to my husband and a perfect mother to my kids.

    Some actors recently said that there is poverty in the Yoruba sector of Nollywood; do you think that is true?

    The word poverty, to me is just a mind set, and No, I won’t agree there is poverty ravaging the Yoruba sector of Nollywood. It’s all a matter of orientation and belief, and basically how you see it. Who says the rich too don’t cry? Of course they do. Maybe what you don’t know is that, the English actors have only packaged themselves. We all are rich, and we all have our challenges. Let’s just respect that, and be more standard in what we do.

    In what way do you think poverty can be eradicated in the industry?

    Answering that means admitting truly it does exist. The world economy itself has suffered one challenge or another, and these challenges are not only limited to the entertainment sector alone. My advice to the government is just to support the industry with policies that would help sustain the actors, to boost them financially, give them a sense of belonging, protect their today and the future, and most importantly help eradicate piracy. With all these, definitely the future will be brighter.

    What is your educational background?

    I studied accountancy at Ogun State Polytechnic, before proceeding to Lagos State University to pursue the same course.

    What is your favourite memory schooling?

    My most memorable school time would be when I graduated from university. But before then I had a memorable, though challenging experience. But of course, it was a lovely ideal school days.

    In your opinion, why do celebrity marriages crash?

    Not all celebrity marriages crash. But the truth remains that we are celebrities, and the spotlight is always on us. It becomes an issue when attention on celebrities are not properly managed and most times controlled.

    What do you think of the present state of the Nigerian movie industry ?

    The Nollywood industry as of today has really matured, and has grown up from what it used to be. No doubt there is still much to be done, but yes I can confidently say we are getting there.

    Some clerics recently rejected the Federal Government’s proposal to build a film village in Kano state. What advice will you give the government concerning that?

    That wouldn’t be the first of such cases. I’m sure you still remember the Miss World beauty pageant of some years back which was slated to be hosted in Nigeria, but was widely rejected. Well, everyone is entitled to their religious belief and personal orientations. Much as we may say, it shouldn’t have been so, but every action is with at least a reason. If the intention of the government is for the greater good of everyone, they can as well pick a different location and get it done. It doesn’t have to be at the initial proposed site. But like I said, let’s us always try to respect ourselves.

    Like some of your colleagues, will you also own an NGO to support the less privileged some day?

    I will plead not to comment much on that, but wish my friends, fans including you to just keep your fingers crossed. Soon you will find out.

    Is there any of your movies you are not proud watching with your kids?

    Every movie I have both acted and starred in are projects I am proud of. I will never be part of unhealthy contents that don’t preach value, ideals, wisdom and good virtue. I take my time to read the scripts, and in my own self projects, I ensure the content are proper. So, on that, there is none of my movies I can’t watch with my kids.

  • The sexual harassment bill

    Apart from the Constitution Amendment Bill, the yearly Appropriation Bill and Petroleum Industry Bill, I do not immediately recall any other bill that is fundamental to the future of this country as the Sexual Harassment Bill, sponsored by Sen. OvieOmo-Agege and 46 others.

    The Bill prohibits any form of sexual relationship between lecturers and their students and prescribes jail term of up to five years but not less than two years with no option of fine for lecturers who engage in sexual relationship with students.

    According to Senator Omo-Agege, the bill, among others,”makes it a criminal offence for any educator in a university, polytechnic or any other tertiary educational institution to violate or exploit the student-lecturer fiduciary relationship for sexual pleasures;  vice chancellors of universities, rectors of polytechnics and other chief executives of institutions of higher learning will go to jail for two years if they fail to act within a week on complaints of sexual harassment made by students; the Bill expressly allows sexually harassed students, their parents or guardians to seek civil remedies in damages against sexual predator lecturers before or after their successful criminal prosecution by the state.”

    A respected colleague of mine told me of an experience in 2014 when he went to visit a friendat one of the federal universities. As he walked along the corridor, a young female student emerged from a lecturer’s office and he reportedly overheard her complaining (in Yoruba) to her female colleagues waiting by the door of the don: “This lecturer is fond of pressing /fondling one’s breasts!” It is that bad. Nigerians should therefore not be stunned by the ‘confrontation’ between the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) and National Female Students Association of Nigeria during the Senate Public Hearing on Monday, June 20, and the dire picture in the submission of the female union.

    The National President of the female student association, Comrade Idongesit Micah, said: “Let me be very clear on our position on this bill. This is a bill that must be passed into law. It is either we enact this law to send sexual predator lecturers to prison for correction according to law under the fine democratic tenets of the rule of law or we provoke helpless parents, husbands, or guardians to, some day, pick a loaded gun and deal with this problem in a barbaric manner. Therefore, we passionately urge the Senate to ensure that it does not by inaction impose the Hobbesian state of nature of a banana republic on victims of sexual harassment in our tertiary institutions and their relatives by provoking them to fight for themselves by all means possible, including outside the law!”

    No warning could be more foreboding; a stitch in time saves nine!

    In every chance discussion since the current bill became public knowledge, almost everyone has one sorry story to tell, either about themselves, their friends, family members or acquaintances across the nation’s campuses. We are here not talking about some bad eggs, the usual escapist argument. All the eggs are bad except a few! And it is our responsibility to encourage those few dons that are nurturing a great future for Nigeria. This bill, in a way, should boost the morale of such conscientious teachers.

    Although things degenerate everyday, the situation in our higher institutions of learning today is not substantially different from what it was in 2009:

    Lecturers in Nigeria have turned our campuses into individual fiefdoms where they reign and rule; they have become gods that must be appeased by our youths. Lecturers enjoy near absolute freedom which you don’t find in other workplaces.

    I have a friend at the University of Ibadan. She’s chaste, hardworking and cerebrally endowed. She’s been on her Master’s programme for over three years now. The supervisor is always on the road or in the air and always too busy.

    “What does the professor supervisor want? Money, gift or what?” I asked.

    “Friendship!”

    “But she knows you’re married?”

    “Marriage! If you’re a spinster, they say that’s good, if you’re married, they say that’s better, and if you’re pregnant, then you are in the best condition!”

    “So the situation has sunk such deep?”

    “Some of them even tell female students to meet them in hotels, which the students must pay for… but it happens on all campuses.”

    “But why don’t you report or get another supervisor?”

    “You can’t be sure my brother; these people have a clique… And if you report, who are the people to sit in judgement? Their colleagues! So, I’m not bothered again because my hands are engaged anyway…”

    I have heard ASUU members argue, again and again, that no good student can be successfully victimized. It’s the most infantile argument I’ve even heard(in the same mould as the current argument by ASUU that the Sexual Harassment Bill violates university autonomy – as if the police require any sanction of a varsity to investigate a crime or arrest a criminalwithin that university system!); in fact, scandalous because this is coming from university dons. Students are not equally endowed. There are A students as well as B, C and Ds. While it may, theoretically, be difficult to successfully victimize an A or B candidate, it is pretty easier to victimize a C or D student. Are the average students therefore not at the mercy of prurient lecturers? And what percentage of our varsity’s students are in A or B category? Certainly, a tiny percentage. But the reality on our campuses is that no student is immune from victimization. We’ve had cases where sadistic lecturers removed some pages of answer booklets and later blamed the candidates for the offence. Even an A student may be weak in a particular course and hence could only get a D. Can such a student not be victimized easily in the said course? The dissolute teachers have however become wiser; they fail you through their proxies so you may not lay any blame at their doorsteps. The conditions on campuses are clearly weighed against the (female) students.

    The argument by ASUU that the bill is discriminatory because sexual harassment is not peculiar to tertiary institutions is equally not sustainable. In those other instances or places where you have this crime committed, they are generally among adults and fiduciary relationship is virtually non-existent. But on our campuses, our children are ranged against marauding fathers who hold the power to determine who or who does not graduate and when. The government puts these students in your care and pays you to teach them to become great asset to the country but you abuse them and turn them into liabilities to the society.

    Of course, I am very much aware of provocative dressing by some students. But if students lose their common sense, must their lecturers also lose their sense of value? Indecent dressing or not, once these randy dons set their eyes on certain students, they don’t take ‘No’ for an answer and if you dare them, they or their licentious colleagues fire you with Ds, Es and Fs. That is the cult system higher education has been reduced to in the country. Having hit a stonewall, the students succumb and go in with their fathers’ mates in order to graduate at the right time.

    I recall the authorities of the University of Lagos approved a dress code for their students over a decade ago… I was once told of a disciplinarian lecturer at UI who would not condone indecent dressing.  Students (male and female) dressed well for his classes. Such a code could be revived in all tertiary institutions of learning because we are concerned with “learning” and “character”. Students must dress responsibly. They should conduct themselves as the pride of the nation, the reason for our hope in the future.

    I have no doubt the bill will be passed by the National Assembly and President Muhammadu Buhari, the change agent, will sign it into law.

     

    • Soyombo, a public affairs commentator, sent this piece via densityshow@yahoo.com
  • House probes U.S. sexual misconduct allegation against Reps

    House probes U.S. sexual misconduct allegation against Reps

    The House of Representatives yesterday said it is probing allegation of sexual misconduct levelled against by some lawmakers during an official trip to Cleveland, Ohio, United States.

    United States Ambassador James Entwistle, last week wrote  House of Representatives Speaker  Yakubu Dogara, alleging improper conduct, attempted rape and soliciting for prostitutes, against some lawmakers on official trip to the U.S.

    The ambassador alleged in the June 9 letter that three members of the House – Hon. Mohammed Garba Gololo (APC, Bauchi); Hon. Samuel Ikon (PDP, Akwa Ibom) and Hon. Mark Gbillah (APC, Benue) — while participating in the International Visitor Leadership Programme in the U.S.,  brought disrepute to the parliament by soliciting for sex from prostitutes. He alleged that Hon. Gololo grabbed a hotel housekeeper while requesting for sex.

    However, the lawmakers denied it all and threatened to sue the ambassador and the U.S. government for “character defamation and a calculated attempt to ridicule the National Assembly.”

    One of the affected members, Hon. Samuel Ikon, said: “My attention has been drawn to the publication alleging an act of impropriety against me by the U.S. mission in Nigeria. I wish to state unequivocally that this is false and definitely not me.

    “This to me, is a case of mistaken identity and I have already instituted measures both legally and diplomatically to clear my name and the institution I represent. I call for patience and God’s abiding wisdom at this time.”

    Spokesman of the House, Hon Abdulrazak Namdas, told reporters yesterday that it remains an accusation until proven otherwise.

    But he said the House had commenced investigation to ascertain the true state of things.

     “Ten members went to Ohio in USA on a leadership programme and returned successfully. We recently received a letter from the U.S. ambassador that there was misconduct by some of the members on the trip.

    “While we investigate the matter, it remains an allegation”, he said.

  • Lagos sensitise youths on sexual rights

    Lagos State government hasorganized a seminar to sensitise youths on sexual and reproductive health and rights.

    About 600 youths from six local government areas participated in the seminar held in collaboration with the United Nation Population Fund (UNFPA) at the Lafiaji Youth Centre, Lagos Island.

     Speaking at the seminar with the theme, “Behavioural Change Communication,” the Commissioner for Youth and Social Development, PrincessUzamatAkinbile-Yussuf, who was represented by the ministry’s Director of Administration and Human Resources, Mr Lanre Rufai, noted “that youths are quite sexually active, hence, the need to empower them with basic information that can ensure they make informed choices.”

    Akinbile-Yussuf condemned increase in cases of child abuse and rape.

     She urged the participants to apply the knowledge gained at the seminar and spread the news in their neighbourhoods.

     The seminar will also be held next week in Surulere, Alimosho, Agege and Epelocal government areas.

  • Sexual problems your husband may have

    “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it, and have dominion….upon the earth” says the biblical story.  This five-in-one commission of mankind is inscribed in our being and characterizes our strivings from birth till death.  The terminal dominion is expressed well in human ego, especially the male ego.  With our common knowledge of good and evil, the ego too often leads us into catastrophes such as strife and war, but tamed and tempered, it can lead us to complete fulfilment in our lives.

    To have a place in society (a business, a profession, a career, a duty post, a function, a service, a role, etc.); to have a home where one is the master or mistress; to have property that give comfort, pleasure, and upliftment; to have a family; to have friends and supporters; to have achievements, contributions, honors; to  have money and the capacity to pay for what we desire, – all these are aspirations of the human ego, especially the male ego. Summarily, the male ego delights in primordial sex and powerplus, within the establishment of civil society, money.

    Not in vain have we known good and evil.  Thankfully, the five-in-one commission is now superseded by an ultimate and supreme mission: love.  The lack of love is always the greatest problem in relationship, any relationship, all relationships.  Love is the greatest preserver of spiritual health, mental health, and bodily health.  Love is an unfailing generator of spiritual health, mental health, and bodily health.  And what of social health?  It does not exist without love, whether within the nuclear family, extended family, institutions, corporations, societies, or nations, etc.

    A man does not enjoy sex at home possibly because he does not enjoy love at home.  His wife is not into his life.  A woman does not bother giving her husband good sex probably because she is not experiencing love.  She may be feeling like a slave or a propertyand wanting to punish her husband’s ego.

    Money, sex, and power are the things men chase and the woman that does not recognize that may find it difficult keeping her man, or impossible to manage the bents towards good or evil.The first sexual problem or the most important sexual problem a man may have is probably his wife.

    It is true that at least one out of forty men have erectile dysfunction and just cannot display manhood; three in ten men have premature ejaculation and can frustrate a woman; about 3% have sex addiction and the wife is never enough; our capitalist world is ever using sexual fantasy as a hook and one’s husband may consequently engage himself in non-marital sex: pornography, masturbation, consensual sex, cybersex, telephone sex, strip clubs, etc. In fact, after the first few years of marriage, sexual matters can constitute a nightmare for a regular couple in today’s world.A woman thus needs to be mentally savvy, spiritually wise, and physically capable of engendering her husband’s loyalty.

    A man may have been having good sexual relationships with his wife up to a point in their marriage.  Factors that can change their sexual relationship include: lack of connection, superseding cares (children, finance, career, etc.), Stress, poor sleeping habits, drugs and consumables, alcoholism, and physical and mental changes.

    As the world gets smaller and cultures merge, we get to appreciate life in its vastness and develop our own conscientious capability of choice.  The difference between sexual choices and sexual problems are not always black and white.  Moral conscience, religious upbringing, the media, and other influences may tug a person in different directions. A human being is a sexual being, married or single, and normally will always express sexuality physically, mentally, and spiritually and will have to relate well with other persons’ sexuality.  For a man and wife to enjoy a sound and healthy relationship, they do need to have some mutual understanding about life, sex, and family.

    Dr. ‘Bola John is a biomedical scientist based in Nigeria and in the USA.   For any comments or questions on this column, please email bolajohnwritings@yahoo.com or call 08160944635

  • Sexual Abstinence: A fast dying value

    Sexual Abstinence: A fast dying value

    Dorcas Egede takes a look at the running standoff between advocates of abstinence from sex before marriage and a morally bankrupt world that glamorises sex beyond limits.

    Then on her wedding day last October, American lady, Brelyn Bowman, presented a “certificate of purity” to her father; it was an overwhelming surprise, both to her father and to the over six hundred guests in attendance. As a proof of its authenticity, the certificate was signed by her doctor. The old man, her father grinned from ear to ear with pride, as his daughter presented the certificate. While as a pastor, he had taught his three children the importance of keeping themselves till marriage, as a way of honouring God, Brelyn’s declaration that beautiful day nevertheless came as a surprise, a pleasant one.

    Shortly after, a post of Brelyn presenting the certificate to her father, which a guest at the wedding had put up on her Facebook page, went viral. A barrage of comments ensued. While some of the comments applauded her action and encouraged young folks to follow in her footsteps, majority of the comments were however critical, to say the least. One aggrieved facebook user wrote, “What is with this religion-nut obsession with virginity?”Another commented, “This is sick and only brainwashed religitards are applauding this sick mess.” Yet another user said, “This reminds me of how women are still treated like property in many underdeveloped countries. If they are found “unacceptable,” they suffer terrible consequences. I would hate to see that here in the USA, a woman is not a business dealing that comes with a contract or proof of quality certificate like a cattle.”

    Those were just few of the negative comments that trailed the facebook post. While a few people were thrilled by the very fact that there are still a few people who can make a decision to abstain from sex until marriage and make it good, the greater majority were outraged and threw all sorts of hate words at Brelyn and her likes.

    A sex-driven world

    Indeed, that such news of uncommon courage would rather bring about a barrage of insults is a pointer to the perception of morality in our present world.

    What would have been applauded by the majority some years ago is now considered an anomaly, a taboo.

    In fact, the predominant mantra in the 21st century society seems to be “sex is everything”. Wherever you turn, sex, in all forms, is endorsed and glorified. Movies, both foreign and local, preach sex. Advertising billboards, musical videos and chartbusting lyrics all compete to evoke sexual imaginations in an unguarded mind.

    Recently, a five-year-old girl who was asked to define love said “Love is when a boy and a girl look at each other, smile, hold hands and go into a room.” Without doubt, the scenes from movies she has been exposed to informed her perception.

    Further proofs abound. These days, it is not strange to find adults who used to be advocates of good moral values, being the very ones luring youngsters into premarital sex. An older man was overheard telling a young virgin that: “I’m actually offering to take away your virginity for free. Men aren’t marrying virgins anymore o…Your husband will thank me…We men don’t have the energy for you women’s disvirgining drama. See, if you die now without “doing” it, it’s ants that’ll eat it in the grave o!”

    Swimming against the Tide

    It is however cheering to know that despite the current sex-obsession, there are a few people who have decided to stand apart from the crowd, by putting sex in its right perspective. These are the ones who are deciding to maintain their virginity, or innocence as some will say, until they are married.

    Even in the western world that is perceived as highly morally depraved, a number of people have made public their decision to practice abstinence. One of them is famous American football quarterback, Tim Tebow, who was reportedly dumped by his girlfriend, former Miss USA, Olivia Culpo, because of his refusal to have sex with her, owing to his decision to maintain abstinence.

    Famous sportsman, Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite, popularly known as Kaka, also recently remarked that he was a virgin until he got married at the age of 23. He said in an interview, “The majority of people say that after marriage, they don’t like jumping into bed with their partner because there is no desire. However, this is not true, my wife is the person I love and it was worth waiting. …I think people need to prevent themselves from making love before marriage. Of course, everyone has their own opinions, but I think it was worth the wait.”

    Back home in Nigeria, owing to a facebook campaign tagged, the #icanwait campaign initiated by one Stella Eyuruntela Ashe, a significant number of people have been proudly declaring their virginity status and their decision to wait for sex till the right time, despite pressures. One of the facebook users told a compelling story of how she began facing pressures to give up her virginity at a very young age. She said, “When I was 13, four of my mates got together and decided to have sex as their birthday presents to themselves. When they did, they began to act like they were superior to me. But I paid them no mind.”

    Stella Eyuruntela who champions the #icanwait campaign admits that choosing to abstain, not just from sex, but all forms of sexual impurities has been the best decision she has made for herself. Fortunately for her, her fiancé also upholds the same belief -a negation of the ideology that abstinence is not for men.

    Why Choose Abstinence?

    Abstinence means different things to different people. While some consider abstinence to mean going without vaginal intercourse, others regard it as staying away from all forms of sexual behaviours, including kissing, cuddling and any posture capable of arousing the emotion.

    From surveys and interviews, several reasons have been given by advocates of abstinence. These include: safeguard against sexually transmitted diseases, not going against the laws of God, avoidance of unwanted pregnancy and unplanned responsibilities, as well as precaution against the emotional rollercoaster that comes with heartbreak resulting from breakups. There are others still, who simply believe that one of the best ways to show love and respect for their future spouse is to keep themselves solely for them.

    One lady, Eketi, said she chose abstinence not just because her mother taught her so to do, but because she wanted to do it for her God. In her words, “Along the line, I grew up and decided I wasn’t going to be chaste because of what Mum said or for a man. I was going to do it for me, and because I love Jesus. I would wait till marriage. ”

    The Price of Abstinence

    Truth be told, abstinence, from all indications, is not an easy choice. Whatever the reason for abstinence, those who practice it testify that it does come with a price. Do they have struggles? Yes. They struggle with their own emotional needs. Asked how she copes with her emotional needs, Stella said, “The decision to wait is not one that comes easy. The needs are constantly gnawing at you, but I have learnt to allow myself be led in a walk with the Spirit of God. I have come to the realization that it’s not a walk I can take on in my own strides, except through the help of God, and so I ask His help through prayers, while constantly renewing my mind through His Word.”

    Eketi, who was also very honest about her emotional needs, admitted that there are times she feels horny and in need for male companionship. At those times, she finds a way to busy her mind either by praying, playing or working herself to stupor.

    Do they suffer ridicule? They most certainly do. People who choose abstinence suffer untold ridicule from their peers. They are garbed in many nomenclatures. While some of them are called hypocrites, others are referred to as religious bigots and archaic. Some are called stupid and dumb, while some are even regarded as devoid of emotions or engaging in self-deception. Eketi, in her facebook post told how she had been ridiculed by friends. “When the world went crazy and being a virgin became very unfashionable, to the point where some people verbally abused me for being one, and tried to shame me into having sex, I held on. ‘Sufferhead. The last Nigerian virgin,’ they’d say. ‘You don’t know what you’re missing!’ ‘If you start having sex early, you won’t have pains during childbirth.’ Through the lies, I held on.”

    Have you ever felt in the wrong even when you are certain you are in the right? That is exactly how people who have chosen abstinence are made to feel. One facebook user who also lent his voice to the #icanwait campaign put it rather succinctly when he said, “Having been subjected to vigorous peer pressure, or due to the hammering forces from the internet and social media, many gave it up…. Shying away from being called a virgin, or due to the embarrassment of being called a nerd, amateur or inexperienced, many gave it up….

    Because the world preaches it as norm, or describe it as the lack of opportunity, most gave it up….”

    Profits of Abstinence

    Just as abstinence comes with a price, it certainly has its benefits. One blogger said that abstinence affords, among other things, security in a relationship and the satisfaction that your partner loves you for you, not just for the sex.

    Relationship experts are of the opinion that abstinence saves you the trouble of comparing your partner with one of your old lovers. There is no room for such comparison because you are each other’s first experience at lovemaking. Moreover, it reduces the risk of unfaithfulness in marriage, as neither you nor your partner had had any experience in lovemaking before yourselves.

    Above all, you will agree that abstinence is the most effective way of saving yourself from unwanted pregnancy and the risk of miscarrying your destiny. Abstinence is still the surest and only way of preventing sexually transmitted diseases and the eventual loss of life. You will face challenges alright, but the waiting is worth it. And if you are out there and you have lost your virginity, either by chance or at your will, you can decide to start waiting from this moment on. It is better late than never.

  • How to overcome common sexual problems I

    What is Sex? Sex is perceived as taking place between one individual, not being a child that carries XY and another individual, not being a child that carries XX genes. That is to say, sex is deemed to take place between two consenting adults of opposite genders. Sex occurs when the male penis enter the female vagina. Sexual problems in men can be and usually is different from the sexual problems in women. In some occasions, these problems are similar. We will attempt to look at common problems in both genders. Common Sexual Problem in Men: Erectile dysfunction otherwise known as impotence by the public is a persistent inability of the man to get and maintain a penile erection that is sufficient for a sexual intercourse. What makes for an erection and what causes erection to occur? In individual, an erection would normally occur:

    Stage 1:

    1) At the thought of sex, via fresh imagination or a recall from memory/past experience of sexual encounters.

    2) Seeing the actual image of sex. This can be in form of video, pictures or real life sexual scene. The crucial issue is that, the person must receive some data and information into the brain, about sex. With these, a quick succession of events is activated. The hormones, testosterone and others are activated in the blood and other hormones are released to effect the erection.

    3) Talk of sex or discussion about sex.

    4) Feeling of sex: hearing of sex scenes, smelling, touching-feeling of sex. Note that, the above-mentioned set of events takes place at the level of the brain and mind. With the mind involved, the person imagines having sex as the mental picture of sex is formed in the mind of the individual. This is called conditioning and often occurs in readiness for sex. Then and thereafter the “conditioning”, the organ of penis is “instructed” by the brain to more or less get “ready” and the blood flow is activated to flow and fill those organs designed for sex.

    Stage 2:

    5) Following the above, the blood flow to the penis will increase considerably in a way similar to filling your garden rubber pipe used for watering the flowers, with the open end of the pipe tied or closed. The penis becomes turgid.

    6) With these, the muscles of the penis become firm and pointed in readiness for penetration of vagina. Erection may therefore fail if:

    • There is problem or blockade with your imagination.
    • There is problem with sensation of sight, smell, tough and hearing. •There is an abnormality with the production of hormones especially testosterones which can occur in diseases of the pituitary/brain or poor function or absent of the testes (“balls”). The hormone testosterone may also not function properly to hit the appropriate sex target even if the hormones are present as in some other situations. Testosterone along with other hormones controls the stages of sex.
    • When there is a disease that affects the blood flow to the penis such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure and stroke, erection may fail.
    • You cannot get erection if you don’t have a penis.
    • Your erection may fail due to some medications that act on the brain and nerve supply to your penis. 7) You may not have erection if bad words, discouraging words and non-encouraging circumstances are present within.

    These words and circumstances can be a bad memory of sex. Any previous education that says sex is bad may hinder erection. Your erection may fail if you receive bad and discouraging words from your spouse or sex partner. 8) You may not have erection if you suffer as a result of bad words and physical experience and painful memory. Anxiety and depression (both affecting the brain) may also cause impotence. Erection may fail if you are suffering from other painful or diseases that limit your freedom. 9) You may fail in getting erection if you feel guilty as in some religious guilt and criminal guilt especially if you have committed previous sexual crimes and you are now truly remorseful and feeling guilty. 10) Misuse of substances such as alcohol that depresses the brain activity may also lead to impotence. Impact of erectile failure (impotence) 1) Clearly, the first thing is that you cannot have a normal enjoyable sexual intercourse. 2) Your ability to reproduce/have children biologically by your own effort is much diminished except you use other artificial methods. 3) It may cause a lot of strain/conflict between you and your spouse. 4) It may result in more anxiety and or depression because you have a sense of failure. 5) It may cause you to spend huge amount of money looking for solutions even bizarre and worthless solutions.

    Solutions

    1. It would appear logical that the best approach would be for individuals to look at the above causes and address those issues that he (including the spouse) can deal with such as encouraging words even by yourself and from the sex partner. Other means are, pursuing the path of treating existing diseases such as blood pressure and diabetes. Using appropriate and legitimate sexual images may also help to stimulate erection. Seeing suitable and appropriate sexual images may help to trigger the brain into action.
    2. If you have tried and you failed, the next stage would be to seek professional input and investigation as to the cause of the impotence. Medical professionals would then apply or recommend appropriate remedy including artificial remedies if appropriate. Medications may also be used if necessary. Note should be taken, that erectile failure is the forerunner, in some people, of failure to ejaculate (release of semen). Erection, it seems, is necessary for semen release. Failure to ejaculate may also be due to other causes such as the simple fact that there is actually nothing to ejaculate as in diseases of the organs that produce the semen.

  • How to overcome common sexual problems Part 1

    What is Sex? Sex is perceived as taking place between one individual, not being a child that carries XY and another individual, not being a child that carries XX genes. That is to say, sex is deemed to take place between two consenting adults of opposite genders. Sex occurs when the male penis enter the female vagina. Sexual problems Sexual problems in men can be and usually is different from the sexual problems in women. In some occasions, these problems are similar. We will attempt to look at common problems in both genders. Common Sexual Problem in Men Erectile Dysfunction Erectile dysfunction otherwise known as impotence by the public is a persistent inability of the man to get and maintain a penile erection that is sufficient for a sexual intercourse. What makes for an erection and what causes erection to occur? In individual, an erection would normally occur:

    Stage 1:

    1) At the thought of sex, via fresh imagination or a recall from memory/past experience of sexual encounters.

    2) Seeing the actual image of sex. This can be in form of video, pictures or real life sexual scene. The crucial issue is that, the person must receive some data and information into the brain, about sex. With these, a quick succession of events is activated. The hormones, testosterone and others are activated in the blood and other hormones are released to effect the erection.

    3) Talk of sex or discussion about sex.

    4) Feeling of sex: hearing of sex scenes, smelling, touching-feeling of sex. Note that, the above-mentioned set of events takes place at the level of the brain and mind. With the mind involved, the person imagines having sex as the mental picture of sex is formed in the mind of the individual. This is called conditioning and often occurs in readiness for sex. Then and thereafter the “conditioning”, the organ of penis is “instructed” by the brain to more or less get “ready” and the blood flow is activated to flow and fill those organs designed for sex.

    Stage 2:

    5) Following the above, the blood flow to the penis will increase considerably in a way similar to filling your garden rubber pipe used for watering the flowers, with the open end of the pipe tied or closed. The penis becomes turgid.

    6) With these, the muscles of the penis become firm and pointed in readiness for penetration of vagina. Erection may therefore fail if:

    • There is problem or blockade with your imagination.
    • There is problem with sensation of sight, smell, tough and hearing. •There is an abnormality with the production of hormones especially testosterones which can occur in diseases of the pituitary/brain or poor function or absent of the testes (“balls”). The hormone testosterone may also not function properly to hit the appropriate sex target even if the hormones are present as in some other situations. Testosterone along with other hormones controls the stages of sex.
    • When there is a disease that affects the blood flow to the penis such as diabetes mellitus, high blood pressure and stroke, erection may fail.
    • You cannot get erection if you don’t have a penis.
  • Agency seeks end to sexual violence

    Agency seeks end to sexual violence

    Activities to mark the International Domestic Violence Awareness Month kicked off last Thursday in Lagos State, with a call by Hon. Adedamola Kasunmu of the Lagos State House of Assembly, for increased effort to combat sexual and domestic violence in the state.

    Kasunmu, a member representing Ikeja II Constituency, made the call during a Domestic Walk and Street Campaign organised by the Lagos State Domestic and Sexual Violence Response Team (DSVRT) in partnership with the Lagos State House of Assembly and Ikeja Local Government, to commemorate the month.

    He told The Nation that the Lagos State House of Assembly and Ikeja Local Government are interested in the Domestic Walk and Street Campaign because “it’s a campaign against violence, against rape and all forms of sexual abuse, and it affects everyone; women, men, and children.”

    Kasunmu, who studied law at the University of Wolverhampton in the United Kingdom (UK), added: “Personally, I also feel that the protection of life is the constitutional duty of a legislator, as well as a public office holder, and, as stipulated in the 1999 constitution as amended, we must make sure that the rights of the Nigerian person are protected.”

    The commemoration was flagged off by street campaigns on Thursday morning that took place simultaneously in Ikeja, Lagos Island, Mushin and Alimosho. It featured participants from the Lagos State Ministry of Justice, Nigerian Union of Teachers, Civil Society Groups, and members of the public.

    The lawmaker also commended the office of the Lagos State Attorney-General on the issue of domestic violence.

    He said: “Since September 2014, we acknowledge that through this prestigious ministry, the facilitation of the ratifying of the executive order that established the sex offenders’ register and mandated reports policy came into existence.

    “Furthermore, over 2000 school students have been trained on rape prevention, self-defense and preserving evidence attached to this issue. Also trained are mandated reporters ranging from health officials to teachers, school administrators and social counselors dealing with child abuse and violence complaints.”

    Other events for the commemoration include training of Divisional Police Officers (DPO), which will hold on Friday, and will be facilitated by experts on the field on how to make use of the relevant laws and assist in improving capacity, as well as a visit to Shelter and Transit homes to interact with survivors.

    The training of the DPOs will be focused on increasing the level of awareness among users of the Prevention Against Domestic Violence Law, 2007, the Administration of Criminal Justice Law (ACJL), as well as the Criminal Law of Lagos State, 2011.

    It will also seek to prepare users of the relevant laws for the full implementation of the Laws by the Lagos State Judiciary and Ministry of Justice, while assistance will also be provided in improving the capacity of users of the Laws to implement the Law.

    Resource persons at the workshop are Mr. Akingbolahan Adeniran, Senior Special Assistant to the Vice President on Rule of Law, Professor Ayo Atsenuwa, Professor of Law, University of Lagos and Dr. Princess Oluyede.

    They will focus on topics such as, Process of obtaining Protection Orders under the Prevention Against Domestic Violence Law and Corroboration and Best practices for investigating Sexual and Gender Based Violence Cases.

    The commemoration of the International Domestic Violence Awareness Month will be rounded off with a Dinner/Endorsement to be hosted by Governor Akinwunmi Ambode of Lagos State, with members of the DSVRT and relevant stakeholders including traditional rulers, Judges of the Family Court, the Police, the media and market women in attendance.

    Stakeholders that have distinguished themselves in the fight against Domestic Violence will also be recognised.

     

  • Curbing sexual harassment on campuses

    I once asked a female student of a higher institution a question I knew the answer to assure myself my views on the issue is right.

    The question was whether it is true that lecturers sexually harass female students in exchange of marks?.

    Not only did she confirm that the allegations are true, she cited personal experiences and that of others she knew about.

    Contrary to denials, sexual harassment and rape cases are common in virtually all educational institutions, including the primary schools.

    Some lecturers are so notorious that female students have to device all manners of tactics to ward off advances or outright demand for what they think is part of their benefits for being lecturers.

    I remember a case of a Post Graduate student who was advised to meet her project supervisor in company of her husband who should offer generous financial gift to the lecturer to prevent him from asking the lady for sex.

    Those who don’t give in to the demands  and can’t pay in cash sometimes pay dearly for their refusal by being deliberately scored low. There are cases of students who have had to repeat a session just because they refused to subject themselves to the ‘evil ‘ demands of randy lecturers old enough to be their fathers.

    The recent case of a part-time lecturer in University of Lagos who raped an admission seeker which is being investigated by the institution is indicative of what some lecturers can do to satisfy their lust.

    A lecturer raped the daughter of his neighbour who was entrusted to him to assist in securing admission and shamelessly claims that he had the consent of the girl to sleep with her.

    There is another case being investigated in University of Calabar where a Professor of Law raped a student after offering her an opportunity to recopy a class text in his office.

    Like in the first case, some friends of the notorious lecturer are not denying that the lecturer had carnal knowledge of the student in his office, their defense is that the lady is morally loose. The Professor also claimed the act was consensual.

    What a shame that lecturers have turned their offices to ‘slaughter slabs’ on the excuse that the students offered themselves to them which is not the case in this two instances.

    Even if the students offered themselves, the question for the lecturers is whether  it is right for them to have sexual relationships with students? Is it morally justifiable to engage in such unethical conduct when they are married and have their own children.

    Thankfully, past students have come out in both cases to confirm that the two lecturers have an history of sexually harassing students.

    A top newspaper editor recently wrote put a lie to denial of allegations of sexual harassment by lecturers when she recalled how her project supervisor while she was an undergraduate was interested in sleeping with her and she declined.

    Those she sought  help from to appeal to the lecturer her to give the lecturer what he wanted told her to give the lecturer what she wanted . Her punishment for refusal was lack of the necessary supervision by the lecturer.

    If incidents of sexual harassment are to be curtailed in institutions, cases like the ones  above should be thoroughly investigated and the lecturers severely penalised to serve as a deterrent to others.