The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Starting on a clean slate

    WHAT do you do with love that has gone sour? Usually, it is better to throw it in the trashcan before it runs the tummy. That is exactly the way Teju is feeling at the moment. She had just survived an emotional hurricane and just could not fathom where and how she was going to move on. The feeling at this point can be compared to jumping off a moving train; the disaster that would follow is better imagined than experienced.

    Flashback down emotional memory lane and it looks like the best love story. But along the line, she came to the realisation that the relationship which lasted for two years and four months was filled with ’emotional errors’. The guy she wanted to donate her heart to was a serial cheater.

     Sadly, Teju just had to move on, hoping to find a better heart, one that would not contaminate whatever was left. On her heart, she felt it may just be too hard to start over on a clean slate. The other option therefore was to avoid any emotional entanglements for now.

    The emotional pressure she was going through started to affect her work and so she thought of different ways to recover herself.

    A few weeks after, she just could not take her mind off and there was also tension at work. Teju decided to take a break from work and the restaurant in the neighbourhood looked like a great arrangement. A few minutes’ walk down the road and she was in the right place, relaxed in the serene environment, feeling different. The meal was also great and she waited a little just to get refreshed before going back to work.

    Two jolly good fellows walked in looking as famished as she was and they also had lunch. Once the stomach was sorted out, they talked about some of their recent conquests and escapades. Midway into the conversations, they remembered a third friend, Lanre, and the exploits he made when he was part of this team of emotional ‘musketeers’.

    Unfortunately for them, Lanre recently found love and amended his ways. “I just don’t know what is wrong with that guy. How can he lose all his head for one woman? I thought he was stronger than this but he has really disappointed me. Sometimes, when I remember his matter I get really upset. That is why I have stopped thinking about him,” Adamu lamented.

    The bone of contention is the fact that their good friend has repented. Old things and ’emotions have simply passed away’. “One other thing that he does is that he actually keeps all the money he makes into a joint account with this woman. To make matters worse is the fact that the alert actually goes to the woman’s phone number. He just cannot do anything without her. Is that really what they call love? Humh….. I am sure that something fishy is going on.”

    The question here is what is wrong with being faithful a hundred per cent? Our friends, however, feel differently and believe that it is better to have a Plan B in every arrangement. “That is not how to be faithful at all. I think he is just being a mugu (dunce) and I am very sorry for him. I just hope that it won’t be too late before he realises what’s going on.”

    Humorously, Mr. B talked about a similar experience and how a smarter Alec survived the emotional struggle. “Muyiwa had always been smart from our schooldays. Then about three years ago he met this lady and he became very cool and calm. The first time I met the lady in question, I just did not like her at all. She was very rude and domineering and I told him that he was not likely to go far with that kind of lady.”

    He continued: “For the first time, Muyiwa was visibly angry with me and he told me not to interfere with the relationship because he was in charge. So I left him with his emotional cross and thought this was another lost case. We met at a friend’s party about six months after and we reconciled. It was there that he made me realise that he was not as foolish as I thought. ‘We have a joint account and we use this account to service whatever we need to run the home. I pretend to put all my resources in the account but I have a secret account where all the extras that I make is kept. The strategy, however, is to look and feel helpless financially, so that I can continually draw from the joint account. This way, I have a robust savings account that she doesn’t know exists.’

    Can you beat that? Well, a lot of women actually get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship, and most times it has to do with a fear of the unknown.

    Lots of women who are afraid of being alone also end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it”.

    So you need to identify what you want and if it isn’t there, then there is no point hanging on. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with behaviour you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

  • Girls, you need power not pouts and poses

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    I am a regular reader of your articles. I cherish those write-ups so much and it makes me have a good relationship with God. Bless you ma.

    Temitope Lateef

    Dear Temilolu,

    Thank you for this great job you are doing. May God bless you. I make my 14-year-old daughter read your column. When she is in school, I keep them for her to read when she returns home for holidays. The girls need to be told to keep their treasure but we need to also educate the boys too. Let the boys understand when a girl says NO, she means NO and her NO should be respected. Please work on Boys Club.

    Ngozi Chima

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    It seems like my problem is one of a kind. I am 23-year- old lady who has vowed to keep her virginity till her wedding night but I don’t think that can happen again because my parents have planned to have me raped because they were told by some wicked man (a herbalist) whose son has been lusting over me that I am possessed. I was told I usually scream in my sleep like I’m having sex and that the only solution to it is to be raped and beaten. Please I need your advice urgently because I am already considering running away and giving myself to a guy I met some months back rather than be raped.

    Anonymous

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    A Fight to the Finish

    “ And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we’ll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

    Be prepared. You’re up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it’s all over but the shouting you’ll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You’ll need them throughout your life. God’s Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other’s spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.” Ephesians 6:10-18 MSG

    How I wish the average female would apply the above in their daily life alas, focus on physical beauty has taken over and has been badly abused as most ladies now go out of their way to look like Barbie dolls such that when some ladies step out with their aesthetically done make-up, you wonder if they are a piece of artwork. If they could spend as much time on growing daily in the spiritual, the world would be a much better place and evil would find it real hard to thrive and we would have more fulfilled, accomplished and dignified women with stable homes.

    The above lady’s battle can only be fought by her very self. It is obvious she is being tormented by some spirit which is defiling her and opening up her destiny to a demonic invasion which is exactly what her father’s friend wants to cash in on. However, what power has she got over them? None! How can she over-power them? We’ll find out next week.

    To be continued.

  • Girls, early affection for studying makes you a star

    Girls, early affection for studying makes you a star

    MEET Dr. Omolara Oyadotun my darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    I thought to deviate from my usual campaign about chastity and holiness and discuss intellectual pursuits today! Sadly, the value placed on academic pursuits and excellence has been whittled down in our society and a lot of you are not interested in studying hard or exploiting your God-given potential and sharp intellect! Girls are naturally blessed with highly-cognitive skills but, unfortunately, inanities have taken over a lot of bright brains and the social media as good as it is has only worsened the situation. Google has made life so easy and readily gives an answer to just about everything we need to know within the twinkle of an eye! This generation of youth ought to be the most intelligent in history because through technology we have an instant answer to our quest for knowledge. However, it’s sad that the average Nigerian girl is not interested in intellectual pursuits or anything that serious but would rather have everything on fleek except her brain/intellectuality, daydreaming on instagram. I then begin to wonder how many female professors or scientists we would have in future. Who are those who will step into the shoes of the likes of Prof. Grace Alele-Williams, Sarah Oloko, Bolanle Awe, Sophie Oluwole and co.? These grandmas were not exposed to Google; in fact there was no internet in their days but they are saturated with knowledge and have built human institutions. Don’t we have a better opportunity now?

    Today, I’ll be celebrating a lady whose affection for studying right from her kindergarten was rather disturbing! Her hobby was and remains studying! I can tell you that her results were excellent right from nursery school and every year she came home with loads of awards and prizes. She was always 1st in class. It’s as though she had an inkling that what would make her heard on earth and what would make her leave her footprints in the sands of time is studying hard! Her fantastic grades paved way for her to study medicine and surgery. She not only graduated with honours, even though she’s married with kids, she hasn’t stopped studying and piling more and more qualifications. She’s one of 2017’s Mandela Washington Fellows. Meet my immediate younger sister- Omolara Oyadotun.

    Omolara Oyadotun is currently a Senior Resident Doctor at the Department of Community Health, Lagos University Teaching Hospital, where she teams up with other health workers to raise awareness on children and women’s health, and conduct community development projects, health policy advocacy, and research. She has also teamed up with local non-governmental organisations, community development associations and faith-based organisations to implement several community outreach programmes, thereby bringing to light the health and health-related challenges of under-served communities. She is driven by her passion for preventive medicine and commitment to helping indigent patients get comfort and affordable health care, thus helping to improve the health indices of her country. She believes that the conceptualisation of health by religious leaders has a great effect on their followers’ health seeking behaviour. This has led her to strengthening ties with faith based organisations, to create awareness for healthy lifestyles and early presentation in the hospitals. Through this, she has touched at least 5,000 lives. Believing that education provides answers to most issues and that every child is a health worker, she’s currently working on a global health education app targeted at children with the hope that it will have a great positive multiplier effect. Isn’t this just awesome!

    Girls, what do you plan to be known for? Do you know you are designed to be an environmental transformer? No matter the odds, an imagination incubated in the Holy Spirit is a miraculous time bomb waiting to explode! There’s so much that you can make out of life with your brain! What’s incubating your imagination at the moment? Romance or the social media? Time waits for no man! What was designed to make you shine in your youth cannot make you shine in your middle age. Use your brain, God-given talents and study hard. God will always create uncommon opportunities for you to stand out and shine! Congratulations Dr. Oyadotun! May all your lofty dreams come true in Jesus name! Amen!

    I invite you to follow me on facebook –TEMILOLU OKEOWO (not Temilolu okeowo girls club or TEMILOLU OKEOWO Girls Club group).

    Scam Alert: Temilolu okeowo girls club page and group as well as Temilolu cares for you are fake facebook accounts.

    Are you still engaging in pre-marital sex? Each act devalues you! Your wonders are waiting to start. God is waiting for you to become a Secondary virgin!

  • Just the two of us…we can make it if we try

    THE emotional space is as competitive as any business environment you can imagine. Faced with that reality, it is always better to make sure that the one that you are attracted to get value for the emotions that they would be giving to you. You just have to put yourself constantly in your partner’s shoes to appreciate what you do or have left undone.

    Conversely, accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want in a relationship will not only make you unhappy, it will also keep you tied to someone who is not right for you. So really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.

    Adunni and Tolu had courted for about seven months and they got along pretty well. During this period, the two lovebirds discovered some of the things they shared in common and hoped that the relationship was going to lead them to the altar. Just when Adunni thought she had found the man of her dream, the dream was aborted.

    How did things fall apart? you ask.  A few weeks before the discovery, Adunni paid Tolu a surprise visit in the office. That was in order; it sometimes gives you direction and you would find out if you are on the right emotional track or not.

    How did the bubble burst? Our dear friend who was still day dreaming an emotional adventure ran into another ‘competitor’ who surprisingly had won the emotional crown. “I found them together in a very uncompromising way and I began to ask some questions.”

    So did she get answers to these questions? Not really. “Tolu simply introduced the lady as his fiancée.” No apologies! For a few seconds, she felt as if her heart had stopped. This relationship had caused her so much harm in the past and this certainly was the last straw. Gradually, she gained composure, got her car keys, ran out of the office and sat inside the car for a few minutes.

    It was very cold and she was lonely and alone. All kinds of things started riveting on her mind. Cars were revving as everyone was in a hurry to get out of the car park and then she finally found her way out of the mess (physical and emotional).

    Like Adunni, Nnamdi is in a deep emotional mess. He was supposed to meet his fiancée, Matilda, in the restaurant at 5 pm. The traffic was really bad and somehow he was a little late. He finally found his way into the restaurant panting and almost breathless. A few seconds after, he felt better and looked for her in their usual corner.

    To his surprise, she wasn’t around. That was quite unlike her and he decided to call her on phone. The line was dead and so he decided to wait for his sweetheart.

    With his laptop opened in front of him, he happily slipped into a happy reverie of all their moments. The things they had shared. The words she had said; he had turned out to be quite the poet.

    In that few minutes, he tried to work on some of the pending mails in his inbox. Here he found a note from his beloved Matilda. “I can’t make it as promised. I am a bit confused about this relationship. Please I need some time to think about it all. Sorry for whatever inconveniences this might cause you.”

    At this point, he knew that something new must have happened; after all they spoke about an hour ago. So, where do we go from here? Should he really give her another chance or start thinking of a plan B?

    It is important to know how to interpret your partner’s mood from time to time. Usually, when a man or woman acts withdrawn, that is a signal that the person is undergoing an emotional process and needs time to recharge.

    Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.

    Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears; she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.

    The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.

    When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that it can be very devastating to handle. So the next question is how you survive during the hurting period. The crux of the matter is that it can be really tough but you just have to be determined to move on and create a better emotional space for the future.

  • My father wants to “sleep” with me!

    My father wants to “sleep” with me!

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu, Last December, I was advised by my poor mother to move out of the house because my father twice attempted to rape me. I grew up in a loveless home where my parents fight every day. My mother has been living a very frustrated life but has nowhere to go; neither does she have any money of hers so she has to endure my father. To be truthful, I moved in with my boyfriend in December. I wash his clothes, cook for him and we engage in sexual intercourse every day. I’m tired of this! My body is tired, my heart aches, I cry every day. Please help!

    Itunu, 19

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    Though, Itunu’s mother called me and also narrated her daughter’s experience, I wouldn’t know her background or if she had the opportunity to have some sound education which could avail her a good source of income. Now, you see why I keep hammering on you all prioritising your lives, laying a solid foundation for your future and engaging in what is right per every season of your life. If Itunu’s mother had a good and steady source of income, will she be at the whims and caprices of a wicked, confused man who wants to sleep with his daughter?

    Excuse me world, gone are the days when a woman should be asking her husband for N1,000. I know there’s an economic recession and even before that came, unemployment and all of that but p-u-r-l-e-a-s-e, good education or not if only women concentrated on their virtues right form their younger years, they’ll discover that they are gold mines. There must be something you can do or sell asides your body. You might not even need any capital. You girls know what I’m talking about! However, when you fall in love and instead of concentrating on your innate skills and abilities to live a good life and you start fantasising about your boyfriend day and night then to tear your destiny apart, you start sleeping with him, believe me, your original is gone! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER! And I won’t stop talking about it! Your teenage years should be spent laying a solid foundation academically, spiritually and even emotionally. We are in a crazy world where dreams could be shattered too soon and you may end up having to depend on your own strength to pursue a life that’s worth living. The female folk do themselves more harm than good; they sell themselves too cheap to the male folk who in turn debase them! I pray you all will learn and chart a better course for your lives!

    My darling Itunu and every girl living with her boyfriend,

    I’m with you on this matter, looking for a way out but to start with, you have to move out of your boyfriend’s house. Engaging in sex with him is compounding your problems. You are loaded with intuition, intelligence, wisdom, insight and extra-ordinary power which you really need now since your parents can’t help you. All of these can only be activated by the power of God. Alas, the ungodly sex you daily engage in paralyses the power which should be working in you and firing-up your virtues. Also, do you know how many other girls he’s sleeping with or the evil baggage he’s transferring into your life through sex? Yes, I’m talking about ill-luck, stagnation, generational curses etc. All of these add up to a frustrated life and pushes one around the depths of despair. Also, when your flesh has dimmed your spiritual connectivity, how can you discover new vistas or God’s wonderful plans for your life or that which is designed to make you shine? The painful thing is some opportunities come just once! I can tell you for a fact that what was arranged to make you succeed or shine in your teens or 20s may never make you shine in your 30s and that is if you ever discover it! There’s a time-table for every life – the more reason you must connect to your spirituality now, now. You are more than you can ever imagine – a wonder waiting to start!

    Believe me, no matter what anyone thinks, God is still faithful to those who are faithful to Him. The word of God will never change. The word of God supercedes every theory or thought about your body and sexuality propounded by any human being. It is time-tested and proven to work wonders, puts lives right and delivers all it promises! The one who can sort you out and make your life worth living is the word Himself! Do not let the world’s sexual permissiveness becloud your sense of reasoning. If sleeping with men for money works for others, who says it would work for you? Do you know what your destiny/star requires to manifest? Be patient my love! Be of good courage! I perfectly understand how you feel but the earlier you surrender your soul to God, the better for you! Help is on the way!

  • Pretender to her emotional throne

    Dotun wasn’t even her type of guy but somehow Lauretta put all her affection in his emotional basket. “Till date I just cannot pinpoint when and how I fell in love with him. The only vivid detail I remember about our emotional beginning was that we met at a shopping mall. That day, I had a lot of things to carry and he volunteered to help me take the shopping bags to the car. We met once again at the mall two weeks after and that was how we became friends. For me, he was just like any other guy and I did not plan to have a relationship with him.”

    Perhaps, he wasn’t good looking? “No, that was not the reason at all. When it comes to physical attraction, he was very handsome. Personally, I do not get attracted to men because of their looks. In fact, I try to avoid good looking guys because of the many distractions (from ladies) that they are faced with.

    “When he first broached the idea of a relationship, I turned it down. Then what I felt for him was just friendship, something you feel for a brother. Unfortunately, for me, he just did not give me any breathing space. While I was evasive, he persisted.”

    Her friends actually described him as a ladies’ man and he was. When they met about five years ago, he dated a lot of women and most of the relationship, he confessed, was fairly shallow. But along the line, he realised that what he felt for her was quite different and gradually they became almost inseparable. So what brought about this emotional transformation? you wonder. “There was a day he came to look for me in the office and I was not around. He waited for about two hours and dropped a note for me. Every line was moving and I treasured the note so much. I remember pinning the note to my diary and I read it over and over again.”

    That was the turning point for Lauretta. “I began to notice some of the things I did not see in the past and decided to give him a chance in my life. It was an exciting experience and we had a number of memorable activities together. We had a good life and his company was cherished on a daily basis.”

    He swept her off her feet and just when she thought she had found what she desired, he cross carpeted. “From my emotional hero, he turned out to be a disaster. I began to see that the relationship was all about him and I wanted it to be about me too.”

    The only option was to pull out of this emotional race to save her aching heart. “It was quite painful but the break gave me some direction. I also realised that I had been wasting my time all along. It turned out to be a fruitless emotional journey.”

    Going into the next phase of her life was turbulent.

     

    She poured herself into her career but it was hard forgetting him. “Even though I realised that I had been taken for a ride, I still missed him.  I dated two other guys but I kept comparing what they did with the things I learnt from the one I still loved. My best friend, Ada, noticed what was going on and said I wasn’t satisfied with the other guys because I was still in love with the wrong guy. When she said that, I realised it was the truth and I started crying. In anger, she shouted at me, saying “Why are you crying like a baby, if you do not love that traitor? You need to wake up and move on with your life. There is really no point crying over split milk.”

    Her friend’s words also freed her from the emotional turmoil that she was going through. It also opened her eyes to the fact that she was still in love with Dotun. A couple of weeks back, he had called and apologised, saying he had learnt from his mistake. Perhaps, it was better to look at the possibility of getting back together. So she put a call through to Dotun and happily they were reunited. The two of them realised that they still have areas of disagreements as the months rolled by. Yes, they have come to the realisation that they were always going to have some bumps here and there but there was nobody that they would rather be with. It was therefore better to hang together and make it work, no matter the obstacle in the way.

    Yes, everyone dreams of something good and wonderful. We all have standards and it’s great if we find what we want or something close to the original.

    Like Lauretta, Moyo has been going through some dark patches in her love life.

    Even when she puts in her best, she keeps criss crossing the emotional zone without getting to the proverbial promised land. “I often wonder what is always happening to me. I have discovered that I do not love the people who fall in love with me.” All you need to do is to focus on the good sides of the person who cares about you and make the love idea reciprocal. If you do not move on and make the best of your emotional situation, then you are going to be caught in an emotional cobweb that may lead to depression.

    While some can stick to a particular relationship for so long and do things that would make it look new as the years roll by, there are others who prefer to be adventurous when it comes to matters of the heart.

  • Jumping off the emotional train

    WHAT do you do with love that has gone sour? Usually, it is better to throw it in the trash can before it runs the tummy. That is exactly the way Teju is feeling at the moment. She had just survived an emotional hurricane and just could not fathom where and how she was going to move on. The feeling at this point can be compared to jumping off a moving train, the disaster that would follow is better imagined than experienced.

    Flashback down the emotional memory lane and it looks like the best love story. But along the line, she came to the realisation that the relationship which lasted for two years and four months was filled with ’emotional errors’. The guy she wanted to donate her heart to was a serial cheater.

    Sadly, Teju just had to move on, hoping to find a better heart; one that would not contaminate whatever was left. On her heart, she felt it may just be too hard to start over on a clean slate. The other option, therefore, was to avoid any emotional entanglements for now.

    The emotional pressure she was going through started to affect her work and so she thought of different ways to recover herself.

    A few weeks after, she just could not take her mind off and there was also tension at work. Teju decided to take a break from work and the restaurant in the neighbourhood looked like a great arrangement. A few minutes’ walk down the road, and she was in the right place, relaxed in the serene environment, feeling different. The meal was also great and she waited a little just to get refreshed before going back to work.

    Two jolly good fellows walked in looking as famished as she was and they also had lunch. Once the stomach was sorted out, they talked about some of their recent conquests and escapades. Midway into the conversations, they remember a third friend, Lanre, and the exploits he made when he was part of this team of emotional ‘musketeers’.

    Unfortunately for them, Lanre recently found love and amended his ways. “I just don’t know what is wrong with that guy. How can he lose all his head for one woman? I thought he was stronger than this but he has really disappointed me. Sometimes, when I remember his matter I get really upset. That is why I have stopped thinking about him,” Adamu lamented.

    The bone of contention is the fact that their good friend has ‘repented’. Old things and emotions have simply passed away. “One other thing that he does is that he actually keeps all the money he makes into a joint account with this woman. To make matters worse, is the fact that the alert actually goes to the woman’s phone number. He just cannot do anything without her. Is that really what they call love? Humh….. I am sure that something fishy is going on.”

    The question here is what is wrong with being faithful a hundred per cent. Our friends, however, feel differently and believe that it is better to have a plan B in every arrangement. “That is not how to be faithful at all. I think he is just being a Mugu and I am very sorry for him. I just hope that it won’t be too late before he realises what’s going on.”

    Humorously, Mr. B goes on to talk about a similar experience and how a smarter Alec survived the emotional struggle. “Muyiwa had always been smart from our schooldays. Then about three years ago he met this lady and he became very cool and calm. The first time I met the lady in question, I just did not like her at all. She was very rude and domineering and I told him that he was not likely to go far with that kind of lady.”

    He continued: “For the first time, Muyiwa was visibly angry with me and he told me not to interfere with the relationship because he was in charge. So I left him with this emotional cross and thought this was another lost case. We met at a friend’s party about six months after and we reconciled. It was there that he made me realise that he was not as foolish as I thought. We have a joint account and we use this account to service whatever we need to run the home. I pretend to put all my resources in the account but I have a secret account where all the extras that I make are kept. The strategy, however, is to look and feel helpless financially, so that I can continually to draw from the joint account. This way, I have a robust savings account that she doesn’t know exists.”

    Can you beat that? Well, a lot of women actually get stuck on the road to an amazing relationship, and most times it has to do with a fear of the unknown.

    Lots of women who are afraid of being alone also end up picking the same kind of men over and over who just don’t “get it”.

    So you need to identify what you want and if it isn’t there, then there is no point hanging on. If you’re afraid of being alone, you’re likely to put up with behaviour you aren’t comfortable with just for the sake of being in a relationship.

  • How to stop masturbating!

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu, Your column is helping a lot of people out there. May God bless you ma. I’m a 300L student. I have been out of touch with God for some time now. My spiritual life is dead. I feel helpless; I don’t have anyone to talk to. I engage in all manner of sexual activities though I never let it get to sexual intercourse. It is so bad now that when I try to pray, I just feel weak. Please help me, I really need help!

    Oyindamola

    Dear Madam,

    You are doing a wonderful work on the female folk. May God strengthen you to do more. It is very rare to have people counsel their loved ones and target groups from biblical point of view these days. Because they do not want to be ascribed with names that suggest that they are spiritually-minded. May God bless you extravagantly.

    David Nwadimuya

    Hello Aunty Temilolu,

    I am a regular reader of your articles. I am a boy of 16 years and my problem is that I masturbate every day. Please help me.

    Kiit, 16

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

     

    Before I go into today’s topic, I’d like to share a poem composed by one of our male fans.

    DEAREST GIRL,

    Hide your bright eyes

    from bitter cries

    Wooing you so sly

    as bait of lie

    to plunge and drown,

    that sweet fee l down.

     

    Close your ear gate

    to that mourn state

    wearing words sweet

    of sensuous heat

    to savour that feel

    ‘burning’ to kill.

    Guard hard your heart

    ‘gainst fires that start

    so fondest melt

    of pleasure spelt

    as deep regret

    for being so wet.

     

    Your womanhood,

    a pride so good,

    just for that one;

    not anyone;

    keep it dear girl,

    protect it well.

    Tanimonure Richards Adewale

     

    Over the years, I have got messages from victims of masturbation asking how to subdue their flesh and stop masturbating. I keep emphasising that we are all spiritual beings and everything we do stems from the spiritual. However, too many people the world over do not realise this and this is why the devil-our common enemy turns them to morons and controls their lives. Do you realise in the first instance that you are a spiritual house?

    “And you are living stones that God is building into his spiritual temple. What’s more, you are his holy priests. Through the meditation of Jesus Christ, you offer spiritual sacrifices that please God.

    1 Peter 2:5

     

    Perhaps, you’ve never read that verse in the bible. Perhaps it’s because you are not aware and conscious of this is the reason why you have become a slave to your flesh. Asides other psycho-anal effects of masturbation, it strongly contends with your soul the seat of your spirituality which is what will determine how you will fare in life. Why then allow your flesh to wage war against your glorious life? Why allow what you have the power to subdue to control you. I really don’t know what your pastors teach you but if you don’t have a firm grip of your spirituality, a lot of good things you are naturally entitled to may be very far from you. And mind you it doesn’t matter that your friends are doing worse things and getting away with it.

    I keep telling you, you never know the type of star you carry/how great you are until you are practically plugged to the Holy Spirit and begin to see things clearly.

    “Dear Friends, I urge you, as foreigners and exiles, to abstain from fleshly lust, which war against your soul.”

    1 Peter 2:11

     

    Masturbation is clearly a lust of the flesh and a weapon of the devil from seeing what you should see and knowing what you should know per time in the race of your life. And you have power to fight it and completely get rid of it before it denies you of the best God has kept for you. You’ll recall I always insist what is designed to make you shine in your youth would not make you shine in your middle age. So, why be the architect of your misfortune? I’ll give you some tips on how I’m sure you can stop masturbating and getting consumed by ungodly/lustful thoughts.

    1. Purify your heart

    Once the Holy Bible-our manual for life tells us the issues of our life arise from our hearts then that heart should be dealt with to start with.

    “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do, flows from it.”

    Proverbs 4:23

    The heart can only be dealt with by consulting what controls it which is our spirituality! May the fire of God purify your heart before we meet again!

    • To be continued.

  • Hearts would continue to break

    What type of heart are you searching for ? A heart made of stone or a kind and loving heart? How do you discern the first from the latter? Interestingly, love looks like one of the cheapest commodities in town.  It comes in different garbs. No two experiences are ever the same. Like music, every heart swings to love and the most important thing is to be able to discern genuine love, when you see one.

    While some hearts travel from one village, city and continents to find true love, others simply find hearts that are magnetic and romantic in the neighbourhood.

    Are you still in doubt? Well, if you take a good look around, you are likely to find all kinds of heart telling their romantic stories via Love avenue. You can actually find love anywhere and everywhere. Interestingly, in places that you least expect to find one. The love race can be interesting, easy, exciting or tortuous.

    Does it have anything to do with those involved? Not really! Truth is that it makes our world go round and round. Feeling tipsy? Yes, that is what it does. When you get to these dizzying heights two things happen to you; the first is that your sweet heart, the one who has put you in this state comes to your rescue and you are taken to another realm in the love process. Conversely, when the heart you are getting tipsy for is a pretender to your emotional throne, then you have a grand slam, the type you see in wrestling. Knock out!

    A dear friend is in this state and she had a close shave recently. She almost lost her life but somehow the driver (heart) was able to manoeuvre the car. That saved her from having a broken arm, limbs and perhaps a battered face.

    Confused! So confused!  Over what? you wonder. A heart?  Is it really worth the stress? Yes, sometimes it is.  The crux of the matter sometimes is that this is part of the process. Hearts have been broken, hearts would continue to break and hearts would certainly be afraid of being broken from time to time.

    The best thing to do when you are stranded on the emotional tarmac is to take a break and wait for a better plane if you do not want to crash land.

    So how did our dear friend get to this state? you wonder. Her first emotional disaster was in the university; the Romeo that she banked her emotions on was only fooling around with her. By the time, she came to this realisation, things had fallen apart. The experience was not very good and she made up her mind to step aside from the emotional terrain for a while.

    It worked! The poor heart regained her emotional sanity and was able to offer emotional advise to friends who got bashed along the line. However, her friends and family would not allow her to be. They kept talking about her single state and it was at this point that Banji strolled into her life.

    To be or not to be? The temptation was just too much and before she knew it, she fell helplessly in love with another emotional criminal. Just when she thought she had found what she wanted, the table turned.

    “I kept on receiving all kinds of threats from other ladies warning me to leave their man alone. Somehow, he had captured my heart and I just didn’t want to let go. I trusted him so much in spite of all the negative information I was getting about him.”

    If she trusted him so much, he didn’t. “About two weeks ago, I fell ill and was hospitalised. As soon as I heard that I was going to be on admission, I sent him a message. Banji came five days after and when he came to see me, my neighbour, Patrick, also came visiting. As soon as he saw Patrick, he told me it was over. I tried to tell him that there was nothing between Patrick and I but he just walked out.”

    End of the road! The gambler had been looking for ways to end the relationship all this while but she refused to read in between the lines. What is the point hanging on to someone that does not trust you? What is the point hanging on to a heart that is preoccupied with emotional distractions? Truth is that you aren’t going to go far together and the more you try to make it work, the more pitfalls and disasters.

    Finding love again can be easy for some but not everybody gets it right. For the latter, love is fraught with pitfalls and mishaps.

    Luckily, it ended well because Patrick was genuinely in love with her. All the love that she was travelling many distance to find was in her neighbourhood. Now, she has to make up mind about the dude, the one who genuinely loves her. But somehow she is still wondering if she should give love a try again. Could this be the heart that she has been searching for all this while? Is this the heart that would bring back her emotional sanity?

  • When mothers fail to protect their daughters!

    When mothers fail to protect their daughters!

    Biologically, mothers have been given the super privilege to bear children and usher in the next generation. Because they nurture the developing child in their own bodies, they almost always feel a compelling drive to protect the new, entirely dependent life they’ve given birth to. These many hours of care each day make mothers most often the person closest to their children and the person with greatest influence. Experiences with mom powerfully shape a child’s perspective, attitudes, and sense of self. Now what happens when in a world as hostile as this, a mother cannot be relied upon for emotional, physical and mental support?

     

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    Kudos to you. Your write-ups have changed so many things in my life most especially my mindset but now I am facing a problem. A month ago, I was raped by my mum’s closest friend’s son. He has threatened me in so many ways not to tell. I am scared. I am just 16 and in S.S.3. I’m even scared of telling my mum and causing a family feud. I am depressed and confused with life. Please help me.

    Anonymous

     

    Dear Mum,

    I am 20 and was recently raped by my brother’s friend. I have always wanted to remain a virgin till my wedding night. Now that I’ve been forcefully deflowered, I’m so incredibly hurt and ashamed. Can I still be a virgin again? Please help, I don’t know who else to confide in but you.

     

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

     

    I am a 17-year-old girl. A few months ago, I was raped by a guy who walks freely on the street while my heart breaks anytime I see him. The guy who raped me lives down our street and we exchanged pleasantries whenever we see. He invited me for a birthday party in his house and I obliged him. When I got there, he told me he wanted to show me something in his room. Believe me, in my stupidity or do I say naivety, I followed him not suspecting any foul play since his friends were in the living room. He left me on the bedroom and told me he wanted to get me something, I later discovered he went back to the living room to send his friends away. When he returned to the bedroom, he pushed me on the bed. I tried to escape but he held me tight and even when I screamed no one came to my help. Then, after forcing his way inside me, he began apologising, saying he didn’t know I was still a virgin. I cried a lot knowing that my pride was gone and I was scared of getting pregnant. He assured me that he would accept the pregnancy. Eventually, I took in and he bought a small drug and gave it to me to drink. After drinking it, I bled for a week before he finally told me that it was an abortion drug he gave me. I don’t know if God would forgive me for unconsciously killing an innocent soul and if my future partner would ever forgive me. I’m so ashamed to tell anyone this, not even my mum because she could call me a whore which I am not.

     

    Dear Nigerians,

    I thought mothers always knew when something went wrong with a child? I grew up hearing “orisa bi iya kosi” (there’s no god like a mother) which honours the bond between a mother and a child and that special support which guides us through life. I also hear “iya l’alabaro omo” meaning a mother is a child’s confidant. So, what’s the problem here? A non-chalant attitude, lack of real presence in a child’s life due to work and social activities or just lack of empathy?

     

    My darling sisters,

    In the first instance, I just wish you had some pieces of evidence so we can nail these guys. As for the 16-year-old who was raped by her mum’s closest friend’s son, she must tell her mum without delay! Those threats are empty. You cannot die in trauma. You are too young for this.

    On the other hand, you are encouraged to remain chaste not to please man but to follow God’s principles and live a good, unpolluted life. Stop moaning or groaning about what any man has done to you. God sees your heart, He knows your thoughts, He knew even before you were raped and deflowered. Little do you know that if you stay glued to Him and remain chaste, there’s a super-duper compensation waiting for you around the corner. He has the final say. He has the power to restore you, to make you greater than you would have been in your former state. This is the time for you to cry out to Him and make heavy demands for a beautiful life that would make you forget your pain. Stop bowing your spirit low, stop hanging your head low….

    “This is but a light thing in the eyes of the lord…” 2 Kings 3:18

    To be continued.